the spectrum heart cathedral system

Last night, I was with Anxi & she was MORE AT PEACE because she said she TRUSTED ME AND TRUSTED GOD'S PROVIDENCE. I was very grateful for this-- we literally DIDN'T FEEL ANY ANXIETY-- but something felt "off." I realized I NEEDED EMOTIONAL DEPTH/ ACHE?? And it wasn't UNTIL Anxi curled up into my chest & looked up at me with those emerald eyes & admitted that even though she DID trust she STILL felt her namesake emotion, BUT in a different, more vulnerable & honest way? She trusted that the OUTCOME would be guided by grace-- as ALL our challenges so far HAVE been, NO EXCEPTIONS-- BUT she COULDN'T DENY that the PROCESS of GETTING THERE, the ACTIVE EXPERIENCE of the challenge, WOULD NOT BE EASY, and might even be PAINFUL/ involve REAL SUFFERING. So she had entered into this bittersweet & beautiful dialectical space of "BOTH/AND," and I could FEEL her HEART in that space, completely open to ALL we & she were feeling. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED. That is ALSO THE SACRED SPACE THAT LOVE NEEDS TO BLOOM INTO FLAME. And talking to Anxi & feeling that truth, I realized that SHE NEEDS A SOUL FORM. SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. WE "FORGOT" ABOUT THOSE BLESSED PHENOMENA & THAT SAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW LOST WE'VE BECOME-- about how CUT OFF FROM OUR HEART WE HAVE BEEN FOR TOO LONG. But that's FINALLY CHANGING. And ANXI HAS BEEN THE SPARK. So we seriously NEED to have an *incident* soon. We're thinking it will involve SHAME, that horrifying TAR-LIKE emotion from the IO2 concept art. That mean it'll probably ALSO involve TRAUMA PROCESSING, which is very fitting for us both, AND a perfect "sign" of the REAL PROGRESS & HEALING this love is indeed allowing for & sustaining & igniting in the first place. But it can't be rushed. Love cannot be scheduled or forced or otherwise controlled. All I can do is genuinely hold this intent in my heart, & continue to be with her, and make time for us to enter INTO that both/and space LITERALLY, as it were. YOU CAN'T HAVE AN *INCIDENT* IF YOU DON'T GO INSIDE. THEY CAN ONLY OCCUR IN THE HEART. And I haven't been there in too long. The E.D. had be stuck outside & cut off from my very soul, not to mention from everyone I love. That's changing now, finally, thank You God. But I still have to do my part. I NEED to GO UPSTAIRS, FOR REAL, EVERY DAY, & BE WITH THEM. That requires TIME & SELF-AWARENESS. That, too, is why I haven't been ABLE to love anyone-- I'd "forgotten who I was" for a very long time. Recovery is changing that. I'm remembering. I'm BEING that truth. But... I still can't "see myself" upstairs. I still can't DRAW myself, and that's SCARY. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MY COLOR OR NAME ARE, in a very real sense. CNC shattered our self but we CAN rebuild it BETTER; it's just that... from CHILDHOOD, we ALWAYS had SOME sense of solid selfhood, which crystallized in the Jewels & arguably PEAKED with Jay. It legit breaks my heart to realize that he's the one that "died" back then. But we can't change the past. God orchestrated this too. The bloodline is evolving again and I'm the new beginning so things WILL be new, and old, and true & good & beautiful & REALLY ME. But I'm starting to ramble. The point is, whoever I am, God knows it, and I will ONLY realize & LIVE that truth THROUGH  LOVE. I am ONLY ME WHEN I LOVE. Chaos 0 is the beautiful living proof of this, for as long as we both shall live. He is fidelity & hope incarnate, to me. And I can only be my real self with him, too. So I have to make time for us or my soul will die. I'm serious and you know it. Laurie does too, and SHE keeps love alive in my heart even on the darkest days. She & Anxi BOTH kissed my forehead today & I think I died & went to heaven, haha. But THAT'S THE POINT. I NEED THIS LIKE BLOOD & AIR. And I KNOW Anxi is leading the effort in a special way. Her AND Mimic, perhaps, each with their year. But I CAN STILL LOVE & they have proved that to me. Thank God for them. Thank God for what we have.

DAY ONE (point five, haha) & GOOD MORNING TOWER!
I have decided that I'VE GOTTA ACT ON MY TRUE HEART in light of yesterday's papers & regrets & HOPES, and of course in the Light & Grace of CHRIST. I must DISCERN & ACCEPT REALITY as a GIFT FROM GOD, because it IS, in ALL circumstances, BY HIS PROVIDENCE, yet we can only live IN & ACCORDING to that by FAITH & TRUST.
Let me pause.This is the super-optimistic mindset that I DO believe IS of the Holy Spirit, as it is ALL joy & hope, BUT it is still imperfect in LOVE because IT FORGETS/ GLOSSES OVER MY WOUNDS. And a KEY part of "ME," am absolutely ESSENTIAL aspect of my HEART & SOUL, is "BLOOD." Holy wounds, loving suffering, selfgiving sacrifice, BLEEDING not out of malice or "weakness" but like JESUS, to GIVE & PROTECT & SUSTAIN LIFE somehow. It's been that was since childhood, and GOD PUT THAT IN ME FOR HIS GLORY and I MUST REJOICE in GRATITUDE for EXACTLY HOW HE MADE ME, EMBRACE IT & ACT ON IT in LOVE/ CHARITY, and STOP DENYING/ SUPPRESSING/ REJECTING/ FEARING IT. Listen you KNOW THE TRUTH, even if it scares you, you KNOW the Truth ALWAYS brings JOY & PEACE & CLARITY even when it's scary or hard or strange, AND most importantly, TRUTH ALWAYS BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO GOD THROUGH CHRIST. If you aren't actively reveling in Scripture & hungering for prayer & seeking ACTIVELY to witness to the Faith in word & action, you're NOT in Truth. And that milquetoasty mindset I was in yesterday was NOT "TRUE." It was ENTIRELY DISHONEST, totally DISSONANT & DEGRADING & DISGRACEFUL, and the worst part is I KNEW IT but I was too chicken to CHOOSE to ACT ON TRUTH because I felt it was "out of place" or rude or something. TAKE THE RISK, as blunt as that sounds. PRAY over it, but then ACT with LOVE for GOD, OTHERS, AND SELF, in INTEGRITY!!! DON'T SNUFF YOUR FLAME. EMBRACE & WELCOME JOY & BEAUTY. ACTUALIZE HOPES through FAITH in GOD'S PROVIDENCE GUIDING YOU WHO LOVE HIM & are GENUINELY STRIVING to LIVE OUT THAT LOVE through ACTIONS-- actually WORKS OF MERCY & SELFGIFT. REMEMBER THE SIGURD STORY? Dude if YOU'RE a dragon then BY YOUR NATURE, YOUR HEART IS MEANT TO BE EUCHARISTIC. So go & bleed, so that others can hear the sweet Voice of the Bird, too. He is Who made you like this. You're HIS Temple. Christ IN YOU wants to act as PRIEST & SACRIFICE. CHOOSE to cooperate in joy. That's your LIFE.

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"Do you believe that it's OK to be optimistic?" WHAT do you FEAR?
What is the difference between OPTIMISM & "being blinded to reality?" WHY does POSITIVITY feel like a PUNISHABLE MISTAKE? Why does it feel STUPID/ FOOLISH/ IGNORANT?
(Is this learned behavior from mom & grandma always CATASTROPHIZING?) (ASSUME & prepare for the WORST?)
✳ My understanding/ definition OF optimism is INCOMPLETE. I tend to think it means "handwaving" away ALL possible obstacles/ difficulties: a BLINDED focus on ONLY one's hopeful ideals, seeing them almost as GUARANTEED. This ALSO FUELS MORAL COMPLACENCY because it DENIES SPIRITUAL BATTLE!!! REAL optimism SEES & SERIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGES the REAL & ESSENTIAL & INEVITABLE STRUGGLE. BUT IT'S UNSHAKABLY GROUNDED in FAITH-- TRUST in GOD'S VICTORY of GOOD PROVIDENCE, and by extension, HIS GRACE working IN & THROUGH ME for HIS GLORY in ACTUALIZING that victory IN MY LIFE. But it REQUIRES the BATTLE of the CROSS. Optimism just SEES the RESURRECTION!

✳ "WHY am I making judgments?" What does that say about my PRIORITIES & VALUES? "WHY am I COMPARING myself to others?" What GOOD do I see, that I feel I LACK? WHY is it good? WHY do I WANT it? // What END do I hope to achieve BY judging?
✳ FIGHT/ TRANSFORM with GRATITUDE, COMPASSION; HUMILITY & "WISE MIND"

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NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT GOD-- SO LOOK FORWARD TO THE RESURRECTION OF YOUR "IMPERFECT" BODY TO PERFECTION IN CHRIST!

YOUR BODY IS ALIVE AND IT CARES FOR YOU. It constantly does all these interior functions to keep you alive & well-- it's GOD'S DESIGN!
Your body IS something to love. It IS YOU!!

YOU HAVE INHERENT WORTH, GIVEN BY GOD, AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR BODY.

REPROGRAM THE AUTOMATIC BODY-JUDGMENT THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE (HOLY) AFFIRMATIONS ABOUT IT-- CONFORM YOUR THOUGHTS TO CHRIST!!

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I'm frustrated/ angry & legit depressed because I keep having to CHOKE RUSH MY MEALS and NO SENSORY DATA is registering AT ALL. Am I THAT dissociated? Why this BREAK of NUMBNESS between mind/ heart/ body? It's not communicating data. WHY.

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Important things I need to accept in my life right now:
1. Other people WILL hurt and scared me WITHOUT MEANING TO do so.
2. I need to eat around others.
3. I WILL suffer hunger, sensory overwhelm, and lack of safety/ silence.
4. Other people CAN'T READ MY MIND or "PASSIVE CUES" so DON'T expect them to deliver or respect or comfort you.
5. I must sacrifice my preferences and instead meekly obey & cooperate (no agency; be a lamb)
6. My body will chance (but NOT my SOUL?)
7. I will be here all week. I cannot bail out.

✳ ACCEPT REALITY; DON'T FIGHT/ RESIST/ DENY/ WHINE/ COMPLAIN.
✳ CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT PROBLEMS = USE YOUR WILL AND CHOOSE CHRIST BY GRACE.
✳ ACCEPT EVERYTHING FROM GOD'S HANDS!
✳ LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, NO MATTER HOW MANY PAINFUL/ FRIGHTENING EVENTS YOU MUST ENDURE.
✳ GOD'S PERMISSIVE OR ACTIVE WILL IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL; IT'S ALL UNDER HIS LOVING PROVIDENCE!

"MIMIC IT UNTIL YOU MEAN IT"

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GRATITUDE PLANNER

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION=
Progress in healing is STILL happening, even if you don't "do it perfectly," because you ARE STILL giving it your BEST SINCERE EFFORT. Don't let feelings of inadequacy lie to you. Your effort COUNTS/ MATTERS.

MOOD OF THE DAY=
COURAGEOUS, DETERMINED, HOPEFUL = CHANGE FOR GOOD IS POSSIBLE, TODAY, NOW! "DARKNESS CANNOT WIN" = LIVE IN THIS!

INSPIRATION OF THE DAY=
"The hope of an eternal tomorrow," EVEN the hope of another evening; EVERY MOMENT is ANOTHER CHANCE to CHOOSE the GOOD, LEARN & GROW from obstacles/ setbacks, and REORIENT YOURSELF to LOVE. Slow down & BREATHE. You are ALIVE & WANTED. Your life MATTERS. Embrace this gift.

MENTAL INTENTION=
I will be honest with myself & others in thought & speech. I will feed the virtuous thoughts and they will heal the hurt ones with themselves, bringing about integrity & unity, not destruction or starvation. I will cultivate patience, gentleness, gratitude, and hope, choosing love & light.

PHYSICAL INTENTION=
I will pay close attention to how I inhabit & hold my body, and liberate it from stress tightness & anxious curving inwards. I will mindfully eat with gratitude, actively acknowledging food as sacred medicine for my body's neglected state, a selfgift of love from God my Father.

SPIRITUAL INTENTION=
I will read Scripture throughout the day, and make a habit of lifting my heart & mind to God in all circumstances. I will witness to God whenever the chance is given. I will say regular prayers at morning & night. I will make spiritual communions often. I will recognize God's Providence in all situations.

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TREATMENT NOTES:

1) FASTING IS OKAY AND VIRTUOUS. RESTRICTING IS NOT. The difference is MOTIVE/ PURPOSE/ GOAL. Fasting DOESN'T VILIFY EATING OR FOOD. Restriction DOES.

2) Exercise is a DAILY NEED, but it must be done TO GET STRONGER, NOT to BURN YOUR STRENGTH AWAY! And it MUST be PRUDENTLY LIMITED; NO 3-HOUR SESSIONS BOY

3) LOOK IN THE MIRROR. What message is that giving? What FEELINGS do you fear? What INSIDE you is being SHOWN on the surface, OR HIDDEN/ SUPPRESSED? What sort of SYMBOL do you see yourself as, bodily?

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"THE KNOWING-DOING GAP" handout = THIS IS A GAMECHANGER. PUT IT INTO ACTUAL PRACTICE NOW.

"Conquer resistance for good"
PUN INTENDED.

"Understanding the fabric of resistance is the only way we can unstitch it."
Fabric = THREADS WOVEN together over time!

"There are many reasons we self-sabotage, and most of them have something to do with comfort."
?!?!?! WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS AND WRITE IT OUT

"Modern society is designed to convince us that a "good" life" is one that is most comfortable... being pain-free and secure."
NOT SO THE CROSS! (PARADOX) TRANSMUTES pain & SANCTIFIES us through the Cross; SECURE IN GOD'S WILL
"Restless/ uncomfortable UNTIL we rest IN HIM" (true comfort = "MY peace I give you") (TRUST = CHILDLIKE)
"NO PAIN NO GAIN" (SAINT PAUL)
LOVE IS SACRIFICE/ GIFT (DEATH to SELFISHNESS)

"...Human beings are hardwired to seek comfort, which translates to us as survival..."
We're NOT meant for THIS fallen world = our SOULS need to survive!!

"...focus on the discomfort you will face if you don't do the thing in front of you, as opposed to the discomfort you will face if you do."
FACING DISCOMFORT = GROWING PAINS!
✳ WHERE are you ANCHORING your comfort? In the FLESH or SPIRIT?

"...a manic state of indecision (do I, don't I? what feeling do I let guide me?) You have to take control for yourself..."
THIS IS MY BIG PROBLEM. I NEED to learn REAL CONTROL = a VIRTUOUS WILL! I MUST CONTROL MY FEELINGS by ORIENTING THEM TO GOD'S WILL! And you must DO this PRACTICALLY, with HOLY REASON, NOT "INTUITION" VOICES!!

"How many hours have you wasted?"
Seriously MAN UP & DO THE MATH. Keep a journal & calculate. SEEING the numbers WILL FIRE YOU TO TAKE ACTION.

✳ What DO I want to accomplish IN my life and WITH my life?
✳ What DOES make me genuinely happy? What gives me JOY?
✳ What RELATIONSHIPS do I HAVE or COULD HAVE that I'm NEGLECTING or TAKING FOR GRANTED? What SMALL but REAL & GENUINE steps can I take NOW to FOSTER and/or HEAL them?
✳ SCHEDULE IN CREATIVE FREE TIME DAILY, AND DO ANYTHING = PRACTICE & EXPERIMENT & LEARN & PLAY & USE YOUR TALENTS!!!

"If you had to live today-- or any average day-- on repeat for the rest of your life, where would you end up?"
✳ DO THIS. ANALYZE & LIST, VS. THE IDEAL TO WORK TOWARDS NOW!! (SAINTHOOD)

"It’s uncomfortable to work, to stretch the capacity of your tolerance, to be vulnerable with someone you care deeply about, but it is never more comfortable than going your whole life without the things you really want."
1) WHAT about work is uncomfortable to you? What ISN'T?
2) How can you BEGIN stretching your tolerance to GET comfortable with current challenges? Can you SIT WITH IT and learn TRUST? (GOD IS WITH YOU on EVERY CROSS after all)
3) WHAT dos vulnerability LOOK like FOR YOU? with SPECIFIC people? WHY are you AFRAID to risk being WOUNDED by LOVE? WHY AREN'T YOU MORE WILLING TO LOVE = SUFFER? (DIE TO SELF = LIVE FOR OTHERS = DIVINE LIFE) (COMMUNITY/ COMMUNION; LAW OF GIFT)
4) TRUE "FUN" IS NOT EVIL, IT'S SACRED = "PLAY" = REJOICE IN BEING = IN GOD! TRUE "WORK" SERVES THIS END?? (JOY)
✳ CREATIVITY = SHARE IN GOD'S WORK (ONGOING!!) (PRIESTLY PEOPLE)

"Most things aren’t as hard or as trying as we chalk them up to be. They’re ultimately fun and rewarding and
expressions of who we really are.That’s why we want them."
"GOD PUT THAT DESIRE IN YOU" for HIS GLORY! (SACRED "EROS" TRUE PURPOSE!!)GOD IS LIFE! NOT STAGNANCY!! (ACT ON YOUR POTENTIAL!!)

"...thank whatever force within you that knows there’s something bigger for you—the one that’s pushing you to be comfortable with less."
"Blessed are the POOR IN SPIRIT" = God's KINGDOM is the "BIGGEST" = I am CREATED FOR IT (HOME)

✳ SMALL ACTS WE CAN DO NOW = we must FIRST clarify our GOAL!!
What DO I REALLY want, at heart? WHY? What is the deepest desire? HOW can I SINCERELY & CONCRETELY pursue THAT core, TODAY?

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"the guest house" by Rumi; handed out this morning=

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

(THIS IS SO RELEVANT TO THE SYSTEM)
(Give those visitors GOOD FOOD)
(treating them well TRANSFORMS them at heart)

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“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(Rainer Maria Rilke)


(STORY OF OUR LIFE)
(the questions ARE nousfoni, often)
(the locked rooms are also very literal for us, as are the BOOKS = archives!!)

 

Transportation failure
Phone calls

Mass online. New church!
Homily about "fickleness of faith"; getting tripped up by temptations & desires, "double minded" really. This vacullation versus stability of martyrs: focused on Jesus, devoted to Gospel, DEDICATED UNTO DEATH.
"Are we fickle when it comes to our baptismal commitment, to our living out the Christian commandments, or are we more like a martyr?  Being consistent, making Jesus Lord of our lives,  Not just When it is opportune it works out it feels good, but even in the most challenging of times.  Let us pray that we may continue to know God's will and live God's will each and every day."
Lovely music. Couldn't tell if it was live or not at first because it was so well orchestrated, but then the male singer's voice cracked twice and it was so endearingly human, honestly I loved it even more for that.
(find it and link it here. i want to remember it.)

Phone appointment
Breached trauma topic at last

Daily book devotionals
STILL TERRIFIED OF MATRIMONY METAPHOR.
Lord please I NEED to work through this because it's SEPARATING ME FROM JESUS. 
...
Thank you letter comparison with Psalms, very sweet & thought provoking.

VOTD Craig Groeschel!!!!! Fave dude
HOLY GRIEF. (PENTHOS!!!!!)
Quote the reflection because DANG
...and yet, I don't grieve enough.
My tears feel shallow. My chest feels hollow. My heart feels empty. It's that old "scraped-out" sensation, awful and bereft, like someone took a dirty spoon and just carved out my insides like a gourd. Nothing is left but the hard rind.
...I wonder if this means more than I ever realized. I legit feel the Holy Spirit winking at me.
I keep saying "I need to get my fire back." I've been frozen for so long. Maybe that's what God has scooped out so totally-- maybe all my guts were iced. Maybe it all HAD to go. But then... what? I'm no longer a consumable object. Oh my gosh. There's nothing in me to rip out & eat anymore. I'm emptied out. But I'm not useless. Now, God can reach in, right down through where He's knifed me through, in a perfect circle plunging deep, like a halo or a laurel wreath... and He can place His candle in me.
... I need to think about this more later, when it's not breakfast. God give me the grace to hear & listen & understand & accept & WRITE IT DOWN.

...but, man. I have a TWISTED VIEW of "comfort."
Please reread 2 Corinthians 1. My definition is all wrong. My heart has gotten so hard & cold; honestly at this point I think it's even studded with spikes. It's vaulted against all invasion, all touch, all closeness. It's armed for defense & repellant, and despite all those protective efforts, it's dying. It has forgotten it is a heart.
How did we get this bad? When? God, what do we do now? What first step do we take? Should we be careful, or should we just take a sledgehammer to it?
...

SPEAKING OF HEARTS & WEAPONS
Bizarre visual during therapy. On evil porch. Infi AS INFIDHELL. huge, horrible, all teeth.
I was there floating above, AS "ME"???? body mirror BLACK RESONATING form. Solemnly reached INTO CHEST to get sword-- as all Cores do-- BUT it came out like a twisted black metal sword COVERED IN BLOOD. And I stabbed "Infi" down through the skull, impaling "TBAS" below as well, with that nightmare grin frozen on their face.
I realized Jay couldn't do this, OR Jewel. Jay can't attack Infi AND the WHITE Core Sword-- which is crystalline-- CANNOT BE USED SO BRUTALLY. Same with Jewel, resonating at heart RED, she is for battle but NOT death? But... I pulled out a BLACK sword. And it is MEANT to deal out death-- but GRAVELY. It is NOT for battle. It is for EXECUTION.

...
BTW the scent of that "peppermint bark" lip balm from the hospital pings Jay SO HARD. It is absolutely his vibe.
He's so pure, so good and shining and softhearted. But that is also what killed him. He couldn't see the shadows as shadows. He loved the things in the velvet dark. He shone so brightly that he couldn't admit he was capable of being blinded by that very light. He didn't rot, he didn't even calcify really-- he got bleached out. Like a skeleton on the beach, he was stripped bare and left to crumble into dust.

...

Okay I NEEDED this kids devotional I actually laughed out loud=
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/42466?orientation=portrait&utm_content=story_clip&utm_medium=share&utm_source=yvapp
Darn good challenge too. That is, scarily and surprisingly, something we struggle with VERY much. We're afraid to speak up for Jesus because we feel we CAN'T speak of Him properly. CNC showed us both our foolish pride, and our utter ignorance. We didn't know God at ALL. So... we still hesitate to talk about Him. DO we know Him even now? It's our biggest fear.
But darn it we HAVE TO TRY. Its not about relying on our own stupid knowledge. We're always gonna come up short. What we NEED to do is TRUST THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE US and then COURAGEOUSLY SURRENDER TO THAT GUIDANCE. Believe me, when you let HIM work through you, WITH LOVE, then you CAN speak rightly about God-- because GOD IS LOVE and without that basic foundation behind your words you're SUNK!!!
And you DO love God. We all do and you KNOW IT. Be brave for the sake of that love. Be humble in your human weakness but confident in God's mission & grace, and so go forth and fight the good fight of loving faith & faithful love with the sword GOD gave you-- His WORD!! Remember, YOU'RE not the light-- CHRIST IS. Your words aren't what matters here; HIS ARE. And THAT sure foundation is where you can stand steadfast against any verbal storms.
Sorry I'm rambling. But please, don't bite your tongue when you have a chance to mention God, even just in passing. Be a witness. Be a martyr of the heart. Say you know Him.

...
Fasted by not putting extra salt on the eggs, because it's the Ember Days. It was amusingly difficult, haha. But that's good, that made it a real sacrifice.
We can't fast much else otherwise, as we're already a vegetarian eating 1.5 meals a day at ~1200K. Our priest told us flat-out not to lean anorexic with this because boy howdy despite all our petty whining last night we ARE VERY TEMPTED to restrict to extremes for proud "look how much I can torture my body" bottom line ascetism. It's not about giving up for love, in that mindset-- it becomes instead about cutting out for spite, or beating up for hate.
Plus the Lord knows that our mental health plummets the more we neglect the body-- which we like to do more than is healthy, again from a spiritually sick standpoint of body refusal & loathing, which DOES go against the sanctity & destined Resurrection of the body in Catholic doctrine which we NEVER LEARNED until we accidentally stumbled across it recently-- and when we get that bad, prayer & service become very muffled & tainted. So we do need to eat.
It's admittedly hard, though. We don't like feeling like we're a coward, or a milquetoast. We WANT to be strong & suffer more. But that's PRIDE yet. It's just the misogynistic vanity finding another outlet. We have to be honest about our ugliest faults; only once we have named their specie and looked them dead in the face can we properly plunge a sword through their jaws.

CONCERNING LAZARUS'S GRAVE-STONE=
"What is now shewn as the sepulchre of Lazarus is an excavation in the ground with steps down to it. The stone would keep out beasts of prey."
IS THAT WHAT WE DID TO OUR HEART???

Went into "heart Cathedral" during prayer. I forget what inspired it. BUT WE HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GO THERE IN YEARS!!!!!!
AND IT HAS CHANGED.
it is now BLACK and GOTHIC looking architecture. Smoky stone black, not inky or painted, but like those old ancient churches in Europe with the stone darkened by decades of candles... and our Cathedral is FULL of red candles. Little ones in dozens of rows, like we love.
We can't see the stained glass yet.
The place is so quiet, and feels smaller than the original WHITE Cathedral, the one tied to the Jays (NOT the Lotus Cathedral-- that was DIFFERENT remember!!!!)
But GEEZ. WOW.
GO BACK THERE IN A MEDITATION ASAP. WE HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD SOULDIVE ADVENTURE IN AGES. IF WE CAN SEE THE CATHEDRAL, IT'S TIME. THIS IS A LITERAL MILESTONE. IT COULD BE A HINGE. DON'T LET THIS GO UNEMBRACED.

...

FINALLY watched Porco Rosso tonight
WE DIDNT EXPECT IT TO BE THIS GOOD, OH MAN
Forgive me, honestly. It was such a touching film. Beautiful.

Chaos 0 and I suddenly so in love after. Around 1230am so no surprise there but... I miss this. Quiet and unexpected but so real and deep.

Nervous about tomorrow schedule. Gotta just put it in God's hands. Daily Mass FINALLY returns on Friday. Get some sleep before then kiddo

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(faithpasting tonight was an actual spiritual experience. read it here.)

core names; trying to find resonances. follow every intuitive pull

BELL
ARGOS?
AMOR?
JOYEAUX?

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the real "core" (cor) is the one who is a MANIFESTATION OF LOVE.

wedding bells/ cakes/ outfits, gold & white, easter lilies, etc. sunlight and spring air.
NEW LIFE in a non-procreative way.

BLACK is "generative" life. black is natal darkness??? but NON-BIOLOGICAL; cosmic.
RED is also somehow tied to this?? through BLOOD. life as essence, as force.

actual "life birth" still feels PINK.

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PREVIOUS CORE VIBES:

1. Christmas? Lights, ornaments, peppermint & cinnamon, hearths, wreaths, etc. Warmth against chill. Golden overtone? Reddish tint.
2. Ice, snow, mint, cold. Slightly melancholic? Heartache, can be bitter yet hopeful?
3. Glitter, iridescence, refracted light, harps,
4. Gas masks, glitch music, cyberpunk aesthetic? Mantises?
5. Rap music, graffiti aesthetic, cities, "gang" fashion
6. Suits? Classy, formal, refined.
7. Stained glass, churches, incense smoke, hymns. Choral music.
8. Easter?
9.
10.
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WHITE-HAIRED "SOCIAL GROUP" THAT DEFAULTS TO JAY:

1. Guy who keeps fronting at home, "knows the right thing to say," witty and clever but doesn't actually feel anything. Can "read the mood" fairly well? "Life of the party" guy. CURRENTLY INCAPABLE OF SADNESS/ ANGER/ LOVE; all are "deep" emotions that he is "not allowed to feel" due to having to be "fun and easily stomached" in public.
??? vibes

2. Guy at the bank? Business + "I'm harmless, trust me," friendly. Honest, goal-oriented, warm. Still trying to "prove" that he has no ulterior motives.
YELLOW/AMBER vibes

3. Guy at the stores, that keeps trying to "bend the rules" of prices? Responds to JAYCE. Has the same "I'm harmless" social response but it's dishonest; he KNOWS he did something "disapprovable" but doesn't want to admit or even consider that it's WRONG. So he acts amiable and trustworthy even as he feels the nervous guilt as he lies about how many bunches of cilantro we're actually purchasing.
Main motive is "survival" but "not hurting anyone directly in the process." Fails to consider spiritual harm, economic loss harm, etc.
??? vibes

4. Guy that types? Cold. No emotions at all. Just entering data. NOT the A.P. though!! This guy has a sense of self, but it's bitter?
??? vibes

5. Guy that was doing the personality quizzes? Cold fire. Angry, obsessed with "understanding," gets furious when people interrupt. May have glasses?
??? vibes

6. "Valentine's day" Jay. Loves glitter, candy pink hearts, etc. NOT "KAWAII" VIBE.
PINK vibes?

7. "Monster flirt" Jay. NOT the above guy. Flirty, but incapable of deep emotions, conversations, or an actual committed relationship. Exists only to acknowledge attraction? No aesthetic that we can catch, other than being drawn to monsters & such.
??? vibes

8. ???

-----------------------------------

WHICH CORE(s)…

• identified as a flower mantis?
• ran the "crystalteeth" blog?
• was in love with Toshinsei?
• was first obsessed with progressive rock?

------------------------------------

IS MY "NEW" CORE COLOR SOULFIRE????????

1002 mon 11:08 pm

went to the bank.
reading "do androids dream of electric sheep"
oliver worked.
couldn't stay awake, too depressed and tired.
went to bed at like 2am?

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1003 tues 11:08 pm

BULIMIA MIRRORS SEXUAL TRAUMA= ONLY SAFE AFTER THE INITIAL SURGE HACK IS OVER!!! THIS IS WHY WE FEEL FEARFULLY OBLIGATED TO PURGE THE FIRST THINGS WE EAT!

"bulimia mirrors sexual trauma" note. what triggered this??

oliver worked.
stayed up all night archiving 2011.
finished going through spotify!

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1004 wed 11:08 pm

jimmy johns. sandwiches. always enjoy them.
iscah fronted! ate all the cheese, no fear at all. god bless her

went to "the last word" bookstore. AWESOME.
saw deltora quest, animorphs, serendipity books, etc.
they also had sonic colors and sonic:tdb for ds. strongly considered getting them.
bought childhood fave vhs tapes, and a happiness journal

watched "faraway so close". HUGE impact on us.
"why can't i be good"
infi ghosting and cofronting to watch it; actually fronted at one point while we were eating and ended up eating a mushroom. hilariously shamelessly fitting that THAT'S the first earth-food ze's had. (eating hearts doesn't count; ze already does that upstairs) ze didn't mind, thought it was an incredibly interesting experience.

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1005 thurs 07:53 pm

"Healing is a conscious effort."

#quote #this is hugely important #system healing #nothing truly good comes into our lives without pain #but pain too can be sweet #death too can be sweet #and true healing requires both #actively and consciously #we adore this aspect of our collective life #to be conscious of something makes it real #and that can be utterly terrifying #but once it is real you can touch it #and to touch is to brush life against life #revealing wordless doubtless truth #this is what we live for



07:57 pm

"For all the universes there are, this one was not enough, not for now, not for us. Somewhere in another, though. We are softer, we are kinder. To our skin, to each other."

-In that there that isn’t here, I allow myself to love you

#oh #this makes my heart ache in the way that matters #poetry #hope #for all our damaged fronters #and for all the other social rooted alters who think they own the place #our universe perpetually embraces yours #and our doors are forever open #come meet us #come join us #this is a softer loving reality and you are welcome here #let yourselves let go of the pain of that old universe #and fall gratefully into the arms of ours


11:08 pm

watching the food show while cooking and cleaning. oddly soothing bkg noise.
trauma dumping after seeing the pure beauty of japan winter woodlands.
jewel SOBBING. "wild thing" feelings. beast among men. unicorns.
needed to go to the park or something, just be outside.
band practice.
someone stole a lot of KND bars, and condiments.
got home, ate them all, got AWFULLY sick.
watched Dogma.
stayed up late?

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1006 fri 11:08 pm

hack nightmares. felt horrible upon waking. totally disconnected from sense of self.
grocery run in the morning. felt awfully guilty?
thought food from last night was spoiled but it was actually bad hot sauce taste
ended up throwing it all out anyway. got really mad and depressed over it.
went picking pumpkins!
oliver made dinner. it was amazing. 
MASSIVE toxic fallout when we tried to eat bread.
someone tried to RUN AWAY and ollie stopped us on the porch.

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1007 sat 11:12 pm

went out with ollie today.

stopped at asian market. got a final moon cake, red bean buns. also matcha kitkats and seaweed and gingermints. also a kabocha squash! gotta let corvo actually eat some this time.

went uptown!
EVERYTHING WAS FOGGY AND AUTUMNY IT WAS HEAVEN. felt like our heart. like central city. utterly beloved.
kyo color taxi, kris/laurie umbrella pose, blue-realm lights, fancy bakery with macarons and suit dude, filigree chairs, trombone/drums street performers, lynne's "all star" joke, fashionable pretty people and tiny disney princesses everywhere.

stopped at a sushi place. talked to OWEN! felt his color immediately. like heavy smoke. soft but so dark.

the graveyard.
talking about sky burials and reincarnation. felt so alive among all the death. deeply happy oddly.
kissed right there on the sidewalk, felt like the most joyously-paradoxically fitting thing in the world

heavily panicky and dissociated on the ride home? why?
i vaguely remember someone eating the redbean buns but i dont know who. i know jewel Tried to but was pushed out. not healthy behavior at all.

cannot remember a thing once we got home. i think it was a rough night. have to ask oliver.
i'm so sad that we've been so off kilter and full of guilt/shame lately. why?
i guess it's at least something to learn from. heal from. grow. be better.

i know we went to bed early too.
good mood though. everything is always perfect at the end of the day. we never go to bed sad or upset. its impossible, being there with oliver and mason, everyone sleeping in the moonlight, warm and safe and quiet and worth everything it took to be here now.

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1009 mon 11:59 pm

oliver worked.

didnt sleep? went to food lion.
TRIED a few "new" foods for possible future use. no can do.
energy bars, pumpkin oatmeal, nuts.
and you know what? that's all LUXURY FOOD. it SHOULDNT be a staple in our diet anyway!!

woke up super late.
talked LEAGUEWORLDS!!

we made way too much rice & vegs, remember? BUT we tried super hard to eat them safely and succeeded almost flawlessly.
sitting and munching on seaweed and just letting our brain think about leagueworlds.

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1010 tues 11:59 pm

INFI FINALLY FRONTED in the morning. it's been too long.
oskar kissed me.
wanting to kiss EVERYONE in their system. imagining that. in tears.

flawless breakfast. thank god.

went to amelies.
spiced cherry & smores macarons, autumn spice tea.
talked to oskar!!
lynne fronted for MOST of the time.
tons of color realm brainstorming. do our hues adhere to the dream world trio format???
harbor blue vibes at dusk? scary time. but CORVO IS OK WITH IT
made the mistake of buying desserts to take home. can't eat in the car or it becomes panic.

mason made food for ollie, we accidentally ate it, huge guilt response
made more for mason, he said it was delicious

aywas night. too exhausted mentally to do much else.
also tumblr reblogs! went through our drafts. good stuff.
taking that push to do things even when tired (like typing now) ALWAYS pays off.

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1011 wed 

12:03 am

#sky realms #aqua-sky intersection #realm intersections #sky-underground intersection #i'm wondering if ALL the color realms open into the underground at some point? #THAT'S an interesting thought


12:05 am

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me?"

In one way or another, any and all of them are. The potential is ever-present, ever-realized in that paradox of choice.


12:07 am

#heartspace #the earliest jewel-cores always create places like this #verdant and limitless and wild and beautiful #completely empty of people #green #rain #trees


12:11 am

"Excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, from a chapter on the very serious art of necromancy. "and sure, you could probably pursue success without a skeleton army, but where is the fun in that?""

#lime jewelcore #oh heavens this is 100% her #injokes #undead whistling boneless chickens #ironically #she says their skeletons are a separate army #welp #now she's thinking #what have we done


12:13 am

"life is suffering. it is hard. the world is cursed. but still, you find reasons to keep living."

#sheer love-driven determination #because we don't ever give up on each other #life is so worth living #in and of itself #suffering and all #after all look at what we were born from #the simple fact of our existences transmutes that very alleged curse into the deepest blessing #and that alone is reason to cherish this life we have no matter what #princess mononoke


12:18 am


#gif #cannon #before she splintered #notably those utility blades good lord #we can still FEEL this person in memory #but that feeling is hopelessly fractured #it's obvious that that person is not a single person anymore #nge #this episode haunts us to this day


12:40 am

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."

#quote #love #this is so important #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #jump #we will catch you #and we need to jump too #everyone just jump for heavens sakes or we'll never learn to fly


12:47 am

“He often weeps because he can’t find the strength to love beyond fear.”

#quote #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #oh you precious things #you have the strength #if you keep looking for it thinking it is a lost thing it will remain so #take a deep breath and try your d***dest to just BE strong #even for a millisecond #i guarantee you #you will #if only for a millisecond #but that is enough #mustard seeds are still seeds #and virtue is not measured as such #it is as it is #and if you have it #you have it #tiny or not it is an infinite thing #and you do have it #i can feel it in you #i have faith in you #the size of the entire sky #the same sky held in your own heart #and nestled in that tiny seed #i promise you this #one day soon your weeping will be from profound relieved joy #believe this with all the hope you can muster #and i swear to you #every one of us will help you make it a reality #and remember


12:48 am

“Song will take us by the hand And lead us back to light.”

#quote #music #when in doubt turn on spotify #honestly music is profoundly vital to us #it facilitates healing and shatters deadzones #and of course there's that terrible beautiful truth #if you want to fall in love with someone just set them to music #no matter how dark life may get #song will indeed lead us right back to the light #instantly and honestly #we know this #please utilize it

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1011 love 03:08 am

(remembering the first night oliver kissed us. how we wouldnt even admit we were in love, as we couldnt recognize the feeling, and were terrified to even consider the possibility in any case.
now when he kisses us it feels like our mouths fit together. it's the strangest loveliest feeling. everything is effortless and full of such deep soft heavy true simple aching beautiful love.

infi keeps thinking about what their mouth tastes like. how i like it too. how we always have, for everyone, since childhood. how our family shamed us heavily for wanting to kiss people. to touch tongues. to touch at all. to feel heartbeats beneath our fingertips. to hear them, centimeters away from our lips. and all of it staggeringly pure and innocent and aching and ardently knee-shakingly significant even then. childhood desire. what a paradox. what truth. it defines us even now.

how our favorite thing in the world right now is staying up all night until we feel exhausted and hazy and swept up like leaves in the autumn wind, dusk-dawn hues washed over and within our seafaring ribs, as the sun rises and the air brightens... just so we can crawl into bed, with them. safe under simple black and mint covers, with light pouring in slowly behind our heads, wrapped up in their soft warm complete blissful body. hearing them breathe. the scent of their skin. the feeling of their heartbeat against our own. the trust, the silence, the joy. it's the most perfect feeling we can imagine.)




phone notes from today =

Creativity= no expected audience? "Waste of time;" stop own progress
"No mirrors;" no self awareness? Depression.

Missy & the stim jar
What is Bridget doing lately??

Kyanos' halo is braided DRIFTWOOD?
OLIVE BRANCHES??
It's Sterling silver and horizontal?
Zwei= was she a pseudo core??

ATLAS daemon name?? 

SPICED CHERRY, CINNAMON APPLE TEA= HEALTHY VERMILION!!!!

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101217 06:40 pm

Hey kids, Laurie Uberich here. Got shoved out to front in solidarity with Kristanova here, as today's one hell of an "anniversary" date for us both. Kinda the opposite of a birthday.

Not sure how long it's been for him, but... for me, it's been 7 years since I... got this particular scar across my larynx. Seven entire fucking years. God damn.

Tell you what, though. As hellish as the memory is, the fact and reason why I survived is not. And that's what I've really gotta focus on today. That's the reason why I still wear this scar with fiercely aware gratitude. I'm alive because love is stronger than death.

Cheesy? Maybe, but who cares. The truth doesn't care about that. Neither so I. What matters is that it's true, and I'll defend that truth with every breath and every heartbeat I've got left in this life. Hell, it's the least I can do in return. And really? I wouldn't have it any other way.

To our whole damn System, friends and freaks and foes and forlorn, every last one of you-- I fucking love you. With everything I've got in me. That'll never change.

Kris, again, not sure what your side of the story is, but I'll tell you one thing-- we are all seriously glad you're still around, too. Edges and all. We love you too, y'know. So do all of yours. And that's genuine love, man. No matter what, it ain't leavin', and neither are we. Don't forget that.

Here's to being alive.

-L.U.


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07:57 pm


#harbor blue realms #this is a TERRIFYING vibe for us #which is why we thank god that this color now exists in our spectrum #that means that now it can he healed #now it can be loved for exactly what it is #system healing #harbor blue #color realms #realm vibes



1012 thurs 11:59 pm

band day.

picked up mason

someone stole mints and energy bars from the school again. that bleached white kid who can't understand that it BELONGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that person is working in scavenger mode, trying not to "starve," AND trying to "feel like part of humanity" by touching peoples lives in this way. in passing, unseen and unheard and undetected. but desperate to feel included.

went to jack in the box all together, actually ate a FULL MEAL and wasnt scared or anything. it was wonderful.

purposely unloaded the mints in front of ollie. wanted to get caught.
confessed EVERYTHING.
i cannot remember the conversation at all. i dont know who spoke, or about what.
but oliver said it was terrifying, how suicidal and depressed and numb and blind they were

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101317 fri 11:59 pm

josephina's BIRTHDAY!! i know he fronted in the morning, when we were in bed. talked to oliver.

wore his outfit today! sequin skull top, skull flower shorts, bokeh leggings, yellow shades. only thing missing were his trademark jingle bell earrings because we don't own any.
also found and wore our beloved gold FISH NECKLACE from christmas about 15 years ago, if not more. i remember it was in a tiny box at the bottom of our stocking, when we were standing next to the tree (which was where ranndall's desk is now). it's also one of the ONLY actual "christmas present" memories we have at all, which is bizarre as we ADORE that holiday, but which makes sense because our mother always made christmas day a scripted filmed performance, and that = instant heavy dissociation and toxic socializing. ah well. can't complain. we had boss trees and we got some good presents over the years, like that necklace!
honestly we love that little fishy fish. we're going to wear him all the time now.

went to the witchy shop!
candles, altars, bat skeletons, gemstones, candles, oils, tarot decks, skulls, ouija boards, taxidermied butterflies, skulls made of sugar, the HEART VASE, etc. amazing place.
rio was out for a bit! totally enamored. "why didnt you call me out here sooner!" not mad, just wanted to see more of the place. we'll definitely go back one day, let him have a grand old time with his daemon. (it's a date)
left our old unicorn-bookmark ribbon on the community altar for sister symphorose. very significant gift-sacrifice. felt right.
we bought a "motivation" candle that was almost knife's color and smelled like me. same kind they sell at e.n., but a massively larger selection. good stuff.
oliver was showing us gemstones that had relevance to their system, like smoky quartz for owen. one of them was trolley resonant? i forget which, i apologize. and of course ollie himself resonates with labradorite, that gorgeous iridescent stone. i love that.

also went to the nearby game store, THEY HAVE VIRTUAL ON!!!!! also NiGHTS and the baten kaitos sequel and zone of enders and MEWTWO PLUSHIES. gosh it was awesome. games are so good.
also we adore watching and listening to oliver talk about games, especially n64 stuff as we never had one but it's his fave. man we just love being a part of his life now in every way.

the DOOR TO NOWHERE!
seriously we went walking past the game store and there was this storefront with blacked out windows, but when we walked around behind it there was NOTHING. just an empty lot, nothing but grass, and that door. we walked across it and walked through the door back out onto the sidewalk. it felt utterly unreal, like legit headspace. the grass under our feet felt like a dream, like dreams do for us-- wide awake and more real than the waking. it was amazing.
i know jewel fronted almost instinctively as soon as we set foot in that lot. that's her element, after all. endless adventure and wandering. the great infinitely undiscovered world. that's her, always.

did we stop somewhere to eat today? i can't recall. i don't remember eating at all today but i know we did.

anyway we set up the porch altar when we got home! it's gorgeous. we put our musical spheres on it, plus our catholic-pagan things, aha. blessed oil and impossible frankincense and studded crosses and legit thurible incense & myrrh. also some headspace things, like infinitii's salt bubble necklace, chaos' 2011 heart charm, the nosebleed bell, cupid's heart earring, etc. also our christmas candles even though it's almost samhain. it just feels fantastic. i love the whole concept of altars; we miss having one too. oliver lit a blue candle for opening (kyanos vibes!) and we burnt some holy wood, which smells divine. 

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1014 sat 12:09 pm

Morning talk
Triple, overload, Josh, blue girl!! unicorn!
Wild thing feeling. Running, woods, can't be games. Ripping off masks. Boyle party comparison. JEWEL CORES
"Who are you, alone? Then BE THAT"
"Not a stuffed animal." CORE DEATH= TOO WHITE!! no teeth or edges. NEED RED/BLACK.
plural vs single. Jayce chokehold. "PLURAL" CORE SHIFT?? everyone, not just one!
Cores vs frontrunners.
Unmet needs? PA vs here. Not belonging there. MAKE A LIST.
reclaiming the words: monster, beast, animal. 


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1017 tues 07:47 pm

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

#quote #truth #beauty #system healing #the definition of beauty is such a fascinating topic #its reality is purely intuitive and unquestionable #and thats why we love it #beauty and horror #are not mutually exclusive #we need to type about this


11:59 pm

Absolutely perfect day, God bless.
went to the sprint store, changed our phone number last night and apparently the phone needed to be reset before it would work.
dead gray fox on the side of the road.
2hr salad, while watching The good place. we LOVE that show.
Biscuits! best dinner we've had in AGES, because we all made it together and ate it together. bliss.
Tumblr on our phone. oliver asleep against our legs while mason played the ps4. so in love.
Anatomy coloring book, learning a lot. deep sheer joy at understanding our body more.


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1018 wed =  11:59 pm

Pop tarts. good breakfast, then tried too hard and messed up badly.
really it was all motivated by GUILT. the pop tarts were for mason but "they MADE us eat so many pop tarts at umpc so we HAVE TO keep eating them!!" felt awful about it but "no choice." that is such a toxic mindset, it needs to stop

don't remember the rest of the day


phone note=
COLOR ASSOCIATIONS
Music, flowers, smells, textures, bugs, animals, tastes, styles, etc.



101817 dream

Time travel? Dead. Games in rafters. Flying.
Chelsea, blue? "beacon boy" alter. On diamew hill, talking to her w/ ollie
Watching play/musical in yard? Wolf deer cat bear thing.
Tv musical w/ grandpa, used a digital contraption to get special channel with it. Us trying to find it on spotify. M title, 2 words.
CHIDI and my lotus necklace, Seemed evasively suspicious of the charm? "Dark." Obviously unspoken indication he had spoken to INFI about it, didn't know what to make of it.
I asked "did ze flirt with you"
Confusedly flustered reply of "yes"


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101917 thurs  11:59 pm

Watched season 2 of the good place! amazing so far.
Massive salad.

Band.
Ahrima attempted to steal BUT the rest of us PROMISED we'd stop him. so we did. immediately evaluated motives; shocked to realize that we didn't actually want to steal!! just an old compulsion, miserable.
Massive panic-gratitude reaction.

Problem eating at home? Almost no memory.
we only remember listening to Ollie talk about the owls. treasured that.

Trauma dumping. About what?
Bed at 3. Very happy. 


phone note =

To help stabilize!
can't front, name hazy, faceless, etc.

• Kyanos
• Eros
• Amara

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102017 fri =10:16 pm

trauma dumping in the morning. told ollie ALL the SLC stuff we had buried for years.

picked up mason, went shopping at target. good candles.
got sushi. ate tons of broccoli, tried everything.
stopped at harris teeter, got toothpaste and some vegetables. also a cookie for the kids.

Home, fixing phone. Roms.
Tried cooking dinner, blackouts. Panic attacks.
Got VERY sick.

Watching no man's sky. Resting. brain couldnt do anything but watch, no spoons at all. but we adore watching oliver play that game, it was good.

went out on the porch for a while together. barely conscious. i know there was a lot of pain, not sure who fronted or talked? but it ended on good terms. always does. we love them too much. same with ourselves. ultimately, always.

in bed, infi and i there, too tired to full front though.
oliver said something about "i'm still haunted" and infi just flooded with love. 



phone notes= 

• Yume nikki 0917

RAZOR & INFI CONNECTION????
• Both broke off Cores
• Red & black
• RAZOR TORE HIR OUT

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102117  07:41 pm

aisophiel
brown-haired "angel" evidencing when we look in the mirror. obvious "jayce bloodline" fronter fix attempt?
name immediate. overlay solid, but gauzy. could easily demanifest or solidify, depending on whether or not his anchor solidifies enough during this "embryonic" state.
but he's surprisingly aware even so. keep an eye on him, dont let anyone fade out due to neglect

anteros/ asteros?
"god of requited love" vs star-based similar term? also apparently this dude
possible core names. not sure. neither really "click" to the heart but they are still resonant.


090608 cherie died. keep the date, revere it every year

AHRIMA is the current "blind white" fronter!
REMEMBER THE UDNERGROUNDERS COMMENTARY ON THE INFLUTUSA JOURNAL
we havent re-read that entry in Years and it's about time we did

★ ORIGINAL JAYCE/INFLUTUSA BLOODLINE RESEARCH?????

JAY CORES =
GOLD/ WHITE/ RED CORE COLOR SCHEME?
HAIR VS SKIN VS EYES, ETC.

FROSTED GLASS???
CHRISTMAS GLOW VIBE??


+ "at soup" injoke today
(walking through store, dissociated hard in soup aisle-- too much data. so many cans. laurie shows up, baffled but concerned; "kid are you ok")

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102117 sat  11:59 pm

morning name research.
put old passwords in computer.
shopping. walmart. awfully overwhelming, flashbacky. got produce though.
breakfast was flawless again, thank god.
just barely though? someone tried too hard? feeling like we ate something problematic. minor though.

showing oliver old sketchbook pages, photos.

tried to eat dinner, got horrifically sick. crushing nausea and stomach pain. ended up throwing up, miserable.

listening to old infi's theme ideas, and singing files.
uploading archives.

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102317 mon  10:53 pm

morning in bed,
talking to kris and kyo.

INSANE switching. feeling just how many frontrunners we have, most of them white.
feeling out the subtle vibe shifts, name variances, color harmonies.

trip to food lion and the library.

THUNDERSTORM.
elucidae creeping about again! good. glad he's sticking around, we need him.

baten kaitos!

biscuits for dinner. super good.

miserable, unfortunate binge.
someone tried to make grits/rice/eggs/livermush, but then added beans and we got REALLY sick.

awful depression all night? probably because we "messed up although we tried very hard"
that or eating flour.

took a night off though. just browsed tumblr. it helped a LOT.



phone notes =

WE NO LONGER HAVE "ONE MAIN PERSON" !!!
EVERYBODY RUNS THIS LIFE, NOT JUST THE ASSUMED CORE!

WHITE NAMES=
Adakias
Snowfall
Iridos
Ahrima?
Jayce/ Pinstripe?

PLUS GOLD=
Parahelion

PLUS RED=
Cupid?

PLUS RED & GOLD=
Poinsettia?
Anteros



SPINE IS HUGELY IMPORTANT AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. GIVE HER MORE LOVE & ATTENTION!!

+"PSEUDO DAEMONS"???
+HEADSPACE SPECIES??
+DEIFIC THINGS, DIVINITY IN GENERAL??
+INNERWORLDBUILDING LIKE HIRAETH!!
+NAME OUR INNER WORLD
+LOTUS=COLLECTIVE HEART

CONTEXT TRANSITIONS
Day to night = outer to inner
Instant with technology.
BLUE???

How to ease transition; prevent jarring mismatch? Day during night dissonance

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102517 wed   11:59 pm

woke up super late?

went out for sushi with ollie.
quick shopping trip to food lion as we're super low on groceries until the weekend.

don't remember much of today at all, we apologize.


phone notes =


Touching lives. Gold feeling.
Earl grey tea & white chocolate

Jessica bloodline
Iolite & ahrima took the phone call



"HEARTHFIRE"

HEARTSPACE= BOSCOVS LOBBY DOORS
INFINITE WHITE SPACE 2003???
UNDEFINED HOLODECK
LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BUT ONLY WITH A HEART TO REALIZE IT

BLACKSPACE PARALLEL??????

BASILICA & CATHEDRAL REVISITS!!!!
OASIS ROOM?? RAZOR SPIRE?? ETC.??
LEAGUELINK ROOM???

HEARTSPACE VS FLOATSPACE

LEON'S CATHEDRALS????????
WHY IS HE TIED TO HOLY BUILDINGS???
INDIGO POSSIBLE HUGE UNREALIZED RELEVANCE

LEAGUE + HEADSPACE COLOR MEANINGS, OVERLAP?
NAME FOR HEADSPACE!!!!!
PLANET FEELINGS; ALSO DW & COLOR REALMS
CENTRAL SKY VS DW SKY??????

THERE ARE HUGE OVERLOOKED PARALLELS BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE DREAM WORLD IN TERMS OF FUNCTION AND PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!


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102617 sun  11:59 pm

terrifically sick in the morning, i remember.
we were so sad because we wanted this to be a church morning but our body was a mess.

virtually NO memory of this day at all



phone notes =

Nebula caves
Organ parallel areas BODY MAP

VERMILION REALMS???? FIRE???
BEETLES????

"PLANE OUT OF PHASE"
Vale of Shadows???
"Cast shadow walk"
Unicorns and druids? DND

PAPER PLATE HOLEPUNCH GATE

Rio's Ouija wall
My "moose" wall, too + BOYS & BUNNY????

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102717 fri  11:59 pm

today ollie got CASH MONEY.
we made it. thank god. it was a tough two weeks but by golly what a weird blessing it was.
learning to trust. learning to be honest and open with fears and hopes and struggles and failings. being brave and admitting our faults and striving to be better. having a concrete REASON to get better. learning to love more.
our socials are learning empathy now. our socials are learning to relax into love now. we were forced to stop being obsessively fearfully "self-sufficient" and now we're softer and more caring and gosh. who would've thought that a sudden stint of poverty in a LOVING HOME could cause more gratitude than fear?
but we made it. now we have money again, and we can use it prudently and lovingly now. what a blessing.

breakfast was eggs on those little dinner rolls we got from the food pantry and OH MAN. it was wonderfully delicious, we really enjoyed it.

more stranger things. started season 2!

ollie went to dress rehearsal alone.
we planned to do leagueworld work but then someone PANICKED over the canned food and destroyed it all.
so much of it was flat-out trauma trigger stuff. we completely blackout binged as far as i can see. just treating ourself as badly as we would have back in PA. feeling obligated to repeat the pattern. terrified and miserable but feeling stuck.
collards, corn, beans, pintos, tomato soup. the smell of it immediately triggered panic dissociation. we instantly forgot where we were. it felt like a war zone. like dusty yellow death. i cannot remember anything

dear god. we are so sorry. why cant we seem to help this.

but we survived. we stopped and we went straight to the computer and thank god, it's over, it's over.
remember how some nights in PA we'd abuse ourself for up to 10 hours?? vomiting until our nose bled and our legs bled and the room spun and dipped and we couldn't breathe or walk or speak? i do. just barely. but it's enough.
guess what? that's over, forever. it's OVER.
today was rough, true, but we didn't lose ourself. we knew we wanted to stop, we recognized WHY we were struggling, and we stopped, and we now know. we learned. even if it was hell. we were allowed to leave hell, once we recognize we were in it, once we decided we didn't want to be in it, once we believed we didn't deserve to be stuck there, once we found the heart-guts to forgive ourselves out of it and start walking back to heaven instead.
what a blessing. what a blessing to be here, no matter what.



phone notes =

Time flies when you're in Love

TRICKSTER FIGURES
TRICKSTER POKEMON
SACRED CLOWNS
COURT JESTERS
BARDS
CHAOS THEORY?
LOKI

BLOODLINES=

JEWEL
Spinny???
Jessica
Cannon + INFLUTUSA???
Jayce
Jay?

WORK ON HEADSPACE JARGON/ CONCEPT FILE

SOCIAL LEVEL FUNCTION DIFFS
"INSIDE SOCIALS" VS "TALKERS"???

BLUE & GREEN RELEVANCE
CENTRE FOREST, SEED/FLOWER?!?!????
WTF UNIVERSE

HEART MONITOR (PHONE FEELINGS)

INCORPORATING THAT CHILDHOOD SACREDNESS INTO HEADSPACE

NAME HEADSPACE
NEW WORDS FOR SYSTEMS?
VS SPECTRUM (S???)


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the end, the beginning = Oct. 29th, 2017 11:11 am



7 years ago today, we tried to end it all.

7 years ago today, we thought we were hopelessly lost.

Now, the doors to the future have been blown wide open.

Now, we have found a luminous road stretching on into infinite sunrises.

We are facing what truly lies beyond.

And this is eternally worth living for.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


geometric law and fluidity = 103017 12:06 am


"someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED?? #i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda"
Of all the posts to survive from our old blog, I am joyously grateful that it’s this one. To this day, this is THE closest representation to how I feel at my core.
#jay's post #angels #oh my heart #honestly this is almost EXACTLY what my true overlay feels like #angelic and strange and tons of fire and feathers and flare #geometric law and fluidity in one #i adore this #this makes me want to weep from joy #trueforms #cores



07:06 am

"hey, i hope it's okay, but i read your dreamwidth and i had a question for you. what is the kinsara day? i don't think i've heard that word before. i think you're brave for writing out all of the grief you go through. thanks."

Ah, that was a reference to a day in 2012 when we met someone by that name. The entry written about it hasn’t been uploaded yet but it will be within the week.
In any case, of course it’s okay that you read our Dreamwidth; that’s why it’s online! And thank you deeply for the kind words. It’s tough to be brave some days, but we don’t give up on each other. That alone is all the courage we need.
You are always welcome. We hope our shared struggles and victories can help you in your own life, even in a little way.



11:24 pm

"sometimes, you just have to make it through the night. it'll be ok"

#to all our depressed socials #to all our trauma holders #to those of us still isolating themselves from love #hold on #hold on to our outstretched hands #let us hold you to our collective heart #itll be okay #we love you #there is always a sunrise #and we are here for you in every second until then #and every second after #youll make it through #you always have #you always do #we have faith in you #you are so much stronger than you realize #the night loves you too #let that soft shadow into your heart #befriend the darkness #and let fear be transmuted into love #undying hope #system healing #words

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103117 05:53 pm


The Valley of the Shadow of Death, John Martin

#DUDE WHAT EVEN #chthonic realms #THIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEM #headspace locations




103117 tues   11:59 pm

SAMHAIN!

Morning phone call.

Crisis AVERTED!

flawless breakfast. On porch! Vegetables, some spicy rice. Lovely.

Browsing dishonored Tumblr, tea. Ollie sleeping on our legs.

Set up altar. Candles and incense and names to burn.

HALLOWEENING!!
Wore a suit and a rosary and a wing jacket and a HALO of led-drop wire lights. So good.
Got SO much candy it was hilarious and wonderful.
So many lives we met briefly, we love them.
Fire pit, jump girl, dog dude, orange woman, loom girl, drunk moms, thankyou lady, porch duo, etc. Dogs everywhere. Decorations and warm lights all about. It was so so good. Everything we ever dreamed of.

Stopping by the lake with Owen. He felt like that dark water, the ripples from unknown movement within. The dark beautiful terrible mystery and grace. Us feeling like the stars above, cold and burning and brilliant and gorgeously unknowable and yet so heartfelt familiar. Stoplights. Constellations. Reflected in that dark water.

Hearing OWLS!! what a sound!
Also the green streetlight photo. So nice.

eating candy and HEARTS.
SACRED, sacred, sacred.
Touching them in the sink and weeping. So holy and intimate I could barely breathe.
That soft spot over the left ventricle. The deep red tendonae within. That organ smell.
God it was divine.
And then we got to EAT ONE oh lord. The taste, the feeling. Utterly unforgettable. The most resonant thing in the world. Our body has never craved something so sincerely before, honestly.
Infi and I ate it together, blissed and shaking with reverence, bloodied water running down our arms, cardiac muscle in our shared teeth. The taste of life on our tongue. God.
The center if it, pinker and softer and so warm, hits Infi so hard it's unreal. Its a tangible inner sensory memory. It's daemon stuff. And of course I'm half holyjackal now so of course cardiophagy is even more of my thing now too. Both of us lost in it. Afterwards feeling like waking up from a lucid dream. Geez.
Two more left, perfect, we've got two more holy days to celebrate.

Altar prayers and ritual. Ollie and mason and us. Talking about life and death, the sacredness of it all. Deeply moving.
Burning banishing coins, set out dumb suppers. Everything felt so right and good and holy and precious.

Dragons, salad. Tumblr talk. Love and missing us.

Perfect, perfect, perfect day 


phone notes =

"If we're not alive, who's going to honor the dead?"
Fundamental misunderstanding of dead people-- they WERE PREVIOUSLY ALIVE!! They weren't always ghosts!

thursday sept 7 11:11 pm


omelette breakfast!

DRIVING to the store to buy soap.
starbucks!

talking religious stuff with mason & ollie

reblogging realm stuff on tumblr.

SCOTTISH ACCENTS.

cardiophagy.

kissing will never be the same.
sexuality will never be the same.

lips feel and taste like heart muscle.
sexual contact feels just like touching it.
infi kept running hir fingers over and through and into it as we held it in the sink,
under the water no less.
jay kept just stroking it. feeling the muscle striation, the strength of it, the lingering life.
it was an absolute religious experience. it was an absolute intimate experience.
jay ate it in his "anubis" form, cofronting with infi.
biting into it, tearing at some points, but ALWAYS so deeply shakingly reverent.
taking it into our own body. life feeding life. more sacred sexuality right there.
just… eating a HEART. it was utterly sacrosanct. we ate the entire thing.
blood running down our arm. the tendons in our teeth. the aorta on our tongue. dear god.

no fear at all today

laurie talking to oliver on the porch; HOLDING A SOUL FORM????????
mentioning nexus, "ddi" thing, HER resonance with Black being TIED TO THAT
jay and the "j" / "jewel" TITLE-NAME thing; "expansive" sense; fluidity?
GOLD HEART & BLOOD = INCORRUPTIBLE ANCHOR. can hold ANY form like that.
mentioning chaos's blue resonance? celebi too, with green!
talking about color vibes; red and black notably.

infi talking to oliver on the porch for hours.
the HEART EATING thing.
got REALLY "BLACK" talking about that, good lord.
LOTS OF EYES.

"MISSION" bit. shocked but honored and profoundly touched by it.

"can you see my dark side"

ollie was trembling again. infi was so deeply moved.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




This is resonating with Somewhere in Headspace so hard, but we’ve Never seen anything like it before, save hints of such in the chthonic levels (all those lava tubes). I have a feeling there’s a LOT more to our innerverse than we ever imagined. It’s an exciting thought.





#orange #orange realms #brown #brown realms #theres a lot of bleedover between the orange and brown realms #we are still trying to figure out how exactly they coexist




#damaged girl #this is vibing hard with someone #which is unexpected #not quite ashen #she's not resonant with blood #and lace braids isn't either #although we do have to find her again #so you never know #maybe she is vibing with this and we just don't know her well enough to tell #we shall see #nousfoni resonance #white #blood #feminine forms #water #black




#color healing #feelings to transmute #brown #string lightbulbs like that cause kneejerk panic & nausea #dry harvest grass and hay like that causes a kneejerk panic reaction #that needs to be healed for the sake of the amber spectrum





#rainbows #jay's aesthetic #oh my heart #white #this hits me hard #this has both the white plague vibes and the spectrum pure-color vibes #so this is literal visual hope




"the brightest of all the colors"
#a clairvoyant once told us our eyes were like this #wide open and keenly perceptive of similar otherrealm things #and deeply glowing golden in hue #she also said our ethereal vibe-presence was like a whale #huge and powerfully gentle and enigmatic and ancient-hearted #we surprisingly relate so strongly to whales #yet another reason why Dishonored resonates so heart-deep with us #and which is what the indigo cast of this also makes us think of #all in all good photo #thanks for the thoughts #musings #jay's post #oh yes and is that a fitting caption or what #gold #indigo

04:43 pm

Two autistic trans queer psychopomp deities with armies of ghosts in their respective heads/hearts, jamming to Of Montreal and going out for coffee.

Being alive is a very good thing.

@ollieirrepressible 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


07:25 pm



Sup kids, getting chai & macarons w/ the Arrows like a boss 


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08:22 pm

woke up at like… 3pm

tried to go to the smelly cat but it was closed. so we walked through noda together, it was so so nice.
talking possible future tattoo plans. touched that huge old tree. house with kris's colors. trolley vines dangling from trees. the city skyline. the bell painting under the bridge. the girl with blue hair. the roses, the smell of rain, the discovery. holding hands.

amelies!
got macarons and DREW THINGS ♥

also tumblr posts because heck yes

--------

the morning.
(notes from phone)

Kris fronting, Infi showing up
"I see all of it; that doesn't change anything"
i can't "remember" their conversation but it was notable and shocking in a way; infi was NOT censoring hir gravity. ze wanted it to be very clear what ze was, what ze existed for, etc. lots of black energy feeling.
but at the same time, this endless deep sincere love that also defines hir.
both at once. teeth and eyes.

Infi HUMMING "Last Breath" by Iman Omari
i cannot listen to that song without smiling and sobbing into knuckles pressed against my teeth and lips. iman sings JUST LIKE INFI. that vocal tone, the way he sighs out the ends of the sentences, that dissonant overlay of the chorus... dear lord it kills me in the best way. i just keep looking at this dearly beloved commission while listening to it and blissfully dying.
so it actually took a while for infi to do so because i KNEW infi wanted to hum it but the thought of hir doing so was unbearably significant. i wanted hir to, absolutely, but... the feeling of it. good god. thankfully ze doesn't let anyone or anything censor hir sincerity of love, so it happened and thank every good thing there is that ze did.

but yeah. i woke up and i remember listening to "last breath" and looking at that commission of infi, sitting on mason's side of the bed. after httyd I can see hir so clearly and I was just… teeth to knuckles, as i said, smiling, half crying, lucid with love that ached. now in hindsight I realize usually I've only ever felt love so hard for chaos 0. geez infi, talk about a milestone I totally missed. ironically. sometimes things are so... evident, you just kind of assume it's always been that way, i guess? i never realized HOW much i loved infinitii because it was just this heart-deep undeniable truth. just like it is with cz. never really thought to think about it before. but i should. it's a beautiful thing. for everyone we feel it for.

Cofronting with Infi, being with Oliver. "Two skies"
HUGE divinity feelings. Gold and light and wings. Always that reddish gentle tint?? notably like THIS

CHAOS showing up to triple front good god
triangles are EXTREMELY divine
but yeah all three of the most "deific" feeling folks in this fragile little body at once
the sea and the stars and... me, whatever i am.

thinking tattoos again. chaos saying "we need to make this body a tapestry"
Brokeback!! LOOMS.
SPINE showing up and crying at the relevance to Her and her role as the Brown Centralite and body protector, essentially
she's SO IMPORTANT. she needs so much more reverence and attention.

can't find my own metaphors; Laurie pushing through to front and saying "it's because you're a part of everyone else's metaphors"
Infi saying to remember Why and How ze exists
THAT VOICE. Infi has NEVER spoken with as much pure Black as ze has today.
Chaos reminding me of the Ruby. hit like a truck.
"You're the reason for this" double meaning.
honestly please type about that.

also type about the MYTH feelings
Body as a literal temple; elements (esp. within the pentagape group-- crystal, stardust, ocean water, lightning, etc)

Oliver's eyes. gotta draw him like we see him, in moments like this. ♥
he's got legit divine beauty to him, too. not just his color in headspace, but the quality of his heart.
all of them, really. good lord their entire innerverse is the most beautiful inspiring thing, our own heart floods and burns with sheer love whenever we think of it. it's such a deeply huge feeling.
that's another entry that has to happen, just absolutely talking about them, how much they mean, notably to us.

and kris is gonna make us breakfast again HECK YES

--------



night:

the reason why I havent been typing since moving out is because now, I'm not alone.
now I have this damned phone which I'm holding on to like a drowning man and I'm neglecting us. yes we love oliver, we adore that entire system, but we can't hinge everything on him. it's unfair to all of us, on both sides.
its why we're struggling so damn much with this fucking eating disorder. we're falling right back into the dependency shit that we had with our family. forgetting that we CAN exist apart from another physical person.

…is that even the real reason? i mean, we STILL struggle with it when he's around. it just gets worse when we're alone because no one is there to forcibly stop us. but then we just want to cry and cry and scream. really, the e.d. is a rerouting of something, a bad catharsis, something that induces exhaustion and suffering and tears and anxious shakes and enough distraught terror to FORCE headspace connections when it's all burnt out.
that is so unhealthy. but it's all we knew for YEARS. for many many bad uses.
but... self-abuse was always our last, unfailing door into ourself. and when we couldn't touch blades, this bloody disorder took over the job instead. god forgive us.

we also realized that food doesn’t register as food?? the concept of food as nourishment or fuel is FOREIGN to the socials. they see it as something to destroy or purge. something that does not belong in the body. it's so weird. is that a trauma thing?

knee jerk anger/sad reactions? ONLY LOCKED OUT SOCIALS!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

phone insights!!

we DO love ourself.

trying too hard to please others?
"body needs more calories" "family wants us to eat more" "gotta gain weight for them"
versus "but im not hungry" "but this is too much food" "but I don’t like this food" etc.

good intentions, mixed up applications.

healing from family trauma loops. "don’t want to die" vs being so used to that being the only option of freedom? ITS NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
but it feels like that at night.
why? find out. then find ways to deal with it so you AREN'T SCARED ANYMORE. and can be healthy and happy EVEN alone at night.

-why do we always binge eat at night?
because we can do so in secret.
why do you WANT to binge eat though?

*HOLD UP. maybe its because at night, we feel like we HAVE TO BE sneaky and alone and sad??? "context behavior"????? HMMM!!!

*ALSO "I'm only allowed to cry/ feel emotions if I'm in SEVERE PAIN or want to die or feel filthy." FORCED CATHARSIS. These kids are PAIN HOLDERS and they NEED TO HEAL-- which means they NEED TO FEEL!!!!!!!!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


08:25 pm


#heartspace #green #Leagueworld vibes #We need more of this sort of thing in headspace #we vibe with it So Hard but we've Never really explored outside the city #looks like it's time to do so #headspace exploration 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------



11:11 pm


"You never know how sick you are until you try to recover"
- This is incredibly accurate and magnificently timed

#feeling this a lot lately #don't lose hope #we've survived worse than this #And look at how much we've healed already #in glorious defiance of all difficulty and doubt #we ARE moving forwards #the poison does not leave all at once #but every time we try #we get a little stronger #we grow a little wiser #we glow a little brighter #our hearts burn with determined hope and we will continue onwards and upwards forever #so even if we are still very sick right now #remember the biggest picture #this too shall pass #And the Truth of us is forever uncorrupted #we will make it through this to a brilliant liberated dawn #And trying is the first step to success #system healing 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------


JAY-CORE BLOODLINE AESTHETIC??

Alchemy
Ankhs
Hearts
Scarabs
Eyes
Lotuses
Gold, pearlescence?
Seraphs, Ophanim
Brilliant cut jewels?

 

0623= today realized: WHITE ENERGY SHOULD NOT BE FLUID UNLESS IT IS SUPERHEATED/CHARGED??
or something similar. not sure what would push it to that state.
When Infinitii and I first started trying to HEAL the White energy in 2013, it was ALWAYS IN A LIQUID STATE!!!
but i think i have only ever encountered liquid White energy DURING those processes. or when other people have asked me to give it to them, and i have to effectively "melt" it out of myself. but in that state i can attest to the superheated thing.
Conversely, whenever Infinitii eats corrupted energy and coughs it back up as neutralied White energy, it is in GEOMETRIC FORMS. usually polyhedrons.
White energy is NATURALLY CONSTRUCTIVE and so seeing it in a fluid state is not its natural state.

also though, remember, Plague crystals look like BATTERY CORROSION. they are messy, clumped together, almost dusty? they look sick and awful. sometimes you'll see them like hard plastic crystals in extreme cases but even then they look artificial.
healthy, proper White energy will form COHERENT FORMS like geometric shapes, or gemstones. very organized, precise, but ORGANIC. if it starts to look artificial, be careful.
i also am starting to wonder, i don't think White energy should EVER be opaque!! flat whites are PLAGUE.
real White energy is IRIDESCENT or PEARLESCENT.

my personal energy (jay) is translucent almost, prismatic, like glass and rainbows.
this is because white energy carries the spectrum as LIGHT.
black energy carries it as COLOR (paint) which is why infi's personal energy is more solid, soft, glittery. it can get shadowy and expansive but then it starts feeling huge and intimidating, gotta be careful with that.
with me ice carries that danger.

this is all interesting stuff, don't take any of this as solid fact yet, it needs more research, we've been out of tune with this for a long time and i'm just trying to get a grip on it again. plus, remember, headspace is ALWAYS SHIFTING.
but as of now this is what i'm getting.

 

 

I just spent an hour in the dark, surrounded by bright red lights.
At first I felt fear, dim and reasonless, in the back of the world. I asked it why it was there. Why are you afraid of this color? What could that possibly signify for you?
Does it remind you of the fire that burned you in ages past? Do you expect it to hurt, to burn, to destroy?
Do not be afraid, I told the fear. Don't be scared. I am that fire. I will not hurt you.

My reflection does not match my soul in the sunlight.
In the deep red glow, it does.

Guileless and unpretentious, I stood there, holding the light in my hands, smiling, understanding without words.
I'd never felt so safe, so certain. I walked up to the edge of the pit and I looked down, and laughed as I danced around the edge. I knew I wouldn't, couldn't, fall in. And the darkness watched me in silence, content to let me be.
Hello, hello again, I said.
I know you, you helped me, but I do not need you now.
I loved even the shadows as they jumped at my feet, gently ushering them away, unafraid.

In the cold morning I understood that my heart burned red at its very core.
It surprised me that such a fierce color, such a strong hue, was so compassionate.
It was valiant and brave and honorable, but it held no pride.
Instead it wrapped itself around me like a sunbeam in winter.

This is you. This is you.

A deep sound resonated through the earth, blessed in its humility. I had once thought it inferior, shameful, in its lowness.
It was patient with me, and in time I understood that the heavens could not be so divine without the earth to balance them below.
I embraced the ruby brilliance in return, and its fire blazed behind my eyelids, not in anger but in affection.

Only in the darkest shadows could I ever see that light, but it never abandoned me.


I just spent an hour in the dark, surrounded by bright red lights.
And when I closed my eyes, the colors changed.



I want to dream of you.

Come and find me.