the spectrum heart cathedral system

Last night, I was with Anxi & she was MORE AT PEACE because she said she TRUSTED ME AND TRUSTED GOD'S PROVIDENCE. I was very grateful for this-- we literally DIDN'T FEEL ANY ANXIETY-- but something felt "off." I realized I NEEDED EMOTIONAL DEPTH/ ACHE?? And it wasn't UNTIL Anxi curled up into my chest & looked up at me with those emerald eyes & admitted that even though she DID trust she STILL felt her namesake emotion, BUT in a different, more vulnerable & honest way? She trusted that the OUTCOME would be guided by grace-- as ALL our challenges so far HAVE been, NO EXCEPTIONS-- BUT she COULDN'T DENY that the PROCESS of GETTING THERE, the ACTIVE EXPERIENCE of the challenge, WOULD NOT BE EASY, and might even be PAINFUL/ involve REAL SUFFERING. So she had entered into this bittersweet & beautiful dialectical space of "BOTH/AND," and I could FEEL her HEART in that space, completely open to ALL we & she were feeling. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED. That is ALSO THE SACRED SPACE THAT LOVE NEEDS TO BLOOM INTO FLAME. And talking to Anxi & feeling that truth, I realized that SHE NEEDS A SOUL FORM. SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. WE "FORGOT" ABOUT THOSE BLESSED PHENOMENA & THAT SAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW LOST WE'VE BECOME-- about how CUT OFF FROM OUR HEART WE HAVE BEEN FOR TOO LONG. But that's FINALLY CHANGING. And ANXI HAS BEEN THE SPARK. So we seriously NEED to have an *incident* soon. We're thinking it will involve SHAME, that horrifying TAR-LIKE emotion from the IO2 concept art. That mean it'll probably ALSO involve TRAUMA PROCESSING, which is very fitting for us both, AND a perfect "sign" of the REAL PROGRESS & HEALING this love is indeed allowing for & sustaining & igniting in the first place. But it can't be rushed. Love cannot be scheduled or forced or otherwise controlled. All I can do is genuinely hold this intent in my heart, & continue to be with her, and make time for us to enter INTO that both/and space LITERALLY, as it were. YOU CAN'T HAVE AN *INCIDENT* IF YOU DON'T GO INSIDE. THEY CAN ONLY OCCUR IN THE HEART. And I haven't been there in too long. The E.D. had be stuck outside & cut off from my very soul, not to mention from everyone I love. That's changing now, finally, thank You God. But I still have to do my part. I NEED to GO UPSTAIRS, FOR REAL, EVERY DAY, & BE WITH THEM. That requires TIME & SELF-AWARENESS. That, too, is why I haven't been ABLE to love anyone-- I'd "forgotten who I was" for a very long time. Recovery is changing that. I'm remembering. I'm BEING that truth. But... I still can't "see myself" upstairs. I still can't DRAW myself, and that's SCARY. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MY COLOR OR NAME ARE, in a very real sense. CNC shattered our self but we CAN rebuild it BETTER; it's just that... from CHILDHOOD, we ALWAYS had SOME sense of solid selfhood, which crystallized in the Jewels & arguably PEAKED with Jay. It legit breaks my heart to realize that he's the one that "died" back then. But we can't change the past. God orchestrated this too. The bloodline is evolving again and I'm the new beginning so things WILL be new, and old, and true & good & beautiful & REALLY ME. But I'm starting to ramble. The point is, whoever I am, God knows it, and I will ONLY realize & LIVE that truth THROUGH  LOVE. I am ONLY ME WHEN I LOVE. Chaos 0 is the beautiful living proof of this, for as long as we both shall live. He is fidelity & hope incarnate, to me. And I can only be my real self with him, too. So I have to make time for us or my soul will die. I'm serious and you know it. Laurie does too, and SHE keeps love alive in my heart even on the darkest days. She & Anxi BOTH kissed my forehead today & I think I died & went to heaven, haha. But THAT'S THE POINT. I NEED THIS LIKE BLOOD & AIR. And I KNOW Anxi is leading the effort in a special way. Her AND Mimic, perhaps, each with their year. But I CAN STILL LOVE & they have proved that to me. Thank God for them. Thank God for what we have.

DAY ONE (point five, haha) & GOOD MORNING TOWER!
I have decided that I'VE GOTTA ACT ON MY TRUE HEART in light of yesterday's papers & regrets & HOPES, and of course in the Light & Grace of CHRIST. I must DISCERN & ACCEPT REALITY as a GIFT FROM GOD, because it IS, in ALL circumstances, BY HIS PROVIDENCE, yet we can only live IN & ACCORDING to that by FAITH & TRUST.
Let me pause.This is the super-optimistic mindset that I DO believe IS of the Holy Spirit, as it is ALL joy & hope, BUT it is still imperfect in LOVE because IT FORGETS/ GLOSSES OVER MY WOUNDS. And a KEY part of "ME," am absolutely ESSENTIAL aspect of my HEART & SOUL, is "BLOOD." Holy wounds, loving suffering, selfgiving sacrifice, BLEEDING not out of malice or "weakness" but like JESUS, to GIVE & PROTECT & SUSTAIN LIFE somehow. It's been that was since childhood, and GOD PUT THAT IN ME FOR HIS GLORY and I MUST REJOICE in GRATITUDE for EXACTLY HOW HE MADE ME, EMBRACE IT & ACT ON IT in LOVE/ CHARITY, and STOP DENYING/ SUPPRESSING/ REJECTING/ FEARING IT. Listen you KNOW THE TRUTH, even if it scares you, you KNOW the Truth ALWAYS brings JOY & PEACE & CLARITY even when it's scary or hard or strange, AND most importantly, TRUTH ALWAYS BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO GOD THROUGH CHRIST. If you aren't actively reveling in Scripture & hungering for prayer & seeking ACTIVELY to witness to the Faith in word & action, you're NOT in Truth. And that milquetoasty mindset I was in yesterday was NOT "TRUE." It was ENTIRELY DISHONEST, totally DISSONANT & DEGRADING & DISGRACEFUL, and the worst part is I KNEW IT but I was too chicken to CHOOSE to ACT ON TRUTH because I felt it was "out of place" or rude or something. TAKE THE RISK, as blunt as that sounds. PRAY over it, but then ACT with LOVE for GOD, OTHERS, AND SELF, in INTEGRITY!!! DON'T SNUFF YOUR FLAME. EMBRACE & WELCOME JOY & BEAUTY. ACTUALIZE HOPES through FAITH in GOD'S PROVIDENCE GUIDING YOU WHO LOVE HIM & are GENUINELY STRIVING to LIVE OUT THAT LOVE through ACTIONS-- actually WORKS OF MERCY & SELFGIFT. REMEMBER THE SIGURD STORY? Dude if YOU'RE a dragon then BY YOUR NATURE, YOUR HEART IS MEANT TO BE EUCHARISTIC. So go & bleed, so that others can hear the sweet Voice of the Bird, too. He is Who made you like this. You're HIS Temple. Christ IN YOU wants to act as PRIEST & SACRIFICE. CHOOSE to cooperate in joy. That's your LIFE.

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"Do you believe that it's OK to be optimistic?" WHAT do you FEAR?
What is the difference between OPTIMISM & "being blinded to reality?" WHY does POSITIVITY feel like a PUNISHABLE MISTAKE? Why does it feel STUPID/ FOOLISH/ IGNORANT?
(Is this learned behavior from mom & grandma always CATASTROPHIZING?) (ASSUME & prepare for the WORST?)
✳ My understanding/ definition OF optimism is INCOMPLETE. I tend to think it means "handwaving" away ALL possible obstacles/ difficulties: a BLINDED focus on ONLY one's hopeful ideals, seeing them almost as GUARANTEED. This ALSO FUELS MORAL COMPLACENCY because it DENIES SPIRITUAL BATTLE!!! REAL optimism SEES & SERIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGES the REAL & ESSENTIAL & INEVITABLE STRUGGLE. BUT IT'S UNSHAKABLY GROUNDED in FAITH-- TRUST in GOD'S VICTORY of GOOD PROVIDENCE, and by extension, HIS GRACE working IN & THROUGH ME for HIS GLORY in ACTUALIZING that victory IN MY LIFE. But it REQUIRES the BATTLE of the CROSS. Optimism just SEES the RESURRECTION!

✳ "WHY am I making judgments?" What does that say about my PRIORITIES & VALUES? "WHY am I COMPARING myself to others?" What GOOD do I see, that I feel I LACK? WHY is it good? WHY do I WANT it? // What END do I hope to achieve BY judging?
✳ FIGHT/ TRANSFORM with GRATITUDE, COMPASSION; HUMILITY & "WISE MIND"

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NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT GOD-- SO LOOK FORWARD TO THE RESURRECTION OF YOUR "IMPERFECT" BODY TO PERFECTION IN CHRIST!

YOUR BODY IS ALIVE AND IT CARES FOR YOU. It constantly does all these interior functions to keep you alive & well-- it's GOD'S DESIGN!
Your body IS something to love. It IS YOU!!

YOU HAVE INHERENT WORTH, GIVEN BY GOD, AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR BODY.

REPROGRAM THE AUTOMATIC BODY-JUDGMENT THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE (HOLY) AFFIRMATIONS ABOUT IT-- CONFORM YOUR THOUGHTS TO CHRIST!!

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I'm frustrated/ angry & legit depressed because I keep having to CHOKE RUSH MY MEALS and NO SENSORY DATA is registering AT ALL. Am I THAT dissociated? Why this BREAK of NUMBNESS between mind/ heart/ body? It's not communicating data. WHY.

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Important things I need to accept in my life right now:
1. Other people WILL hurt and scared me WITHOUT MEANING TO do so.
2. I need to eat around others.
3. I WILL suffer hunger, sensory overwhelm, and lack of safety/ silence.
4. Other people CAN'T READ MY MIND or "PASSIVE CUES" so DON'T expect them to deliver or respect or comfort you.
5. I must sacrifice my preferences and instead meekly obey & cooperate (no agency; be a lamb)
6. My body will chance (but NOT my SOUL?)
7. I will be here all week. I cannot bail out.

✳ ACCEPT REALITY; DON'T FIGHT/ RESIST/ DENY/ WHINE/ COMPLAIN.
✳ CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT PROBLEMS = USE YOUR WILL AND CHOOSE CHRIST BY GRACE.
✳ ACCEPT EVERYTHING FROM GOD'S HANDS!
✳ LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, NO MATTER HOW MANY PAINFUL/ FRIGHTENING EVENTS YOU MUST ENDURE.
✳ GOD'S PERMISSIVE OR ACTIVE WILL IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL; IT'S ALL UNDER HIS LOVING PROVIDENCE!

"MIMIC IT UNTIL YOU MEAN IT"

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GRATITUDE PLANNER

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION=
Progress in healing is STILL happening, even if you don't "do it perfectly," because you ARE STILL giving it your BEST SINCERE EFFORT. Don't let feelings of inadequacy lie to you. Your effort COUNTS/ MATTERS.

MOOD OF THE DAY=
COURAGEOUS, DETERMINED, HOPEFUL = CHANGE FOR GOOD IS POSSIBLE, TODAY, NOW! "DARKNESS CANNOT WIN" = LIVE IN THIS!

INSPIRATION OF THE DAY=
"The hope of an eternal tomorrow," EVEN the hope of another evening; EVERY MOMENT is ANOTHER CHANCE to CHOOSE the GOOD, LEARN & GROW from obstacles/ setbacks, and REORIENT YOURSELF to LOVE. Slow down & BREATHE. You are ALIVE & WANTED. Your life MATTERS. Embrace this gift.

MENTAL INTENTION=
I will be honest with myself & others in thought & speech. I will feed the virtuous thoughts and they will heal the hurt ones with themselves, bringing about integrity & unity, not destruction or starvation. I will cultivate patience, gentleness, gratitude, and hope, choosing love & light.

PHYSICAL INTENTION=
I will pay close attention to how I inhabit & hold my body, and liberate it from stress tightness & anxious curving inwards. I will mindfully eat with gratitude, actively acknowledging food as sacred medicine for my body's neglected state, a selfgift of love from God my Father.

SPIRITUAL INTENTION=
I will read Scripture throughout the day, and make a habit of lifting my heart & mind to God in all circumstances. I will witness to God whenever the chance is given. I will say regular prayers at morning & night. I will make spiritual communions often. I will recognize God's Providence in all situations.

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TREATMENT NOTES:

1) FASTING IS OKAY AND VIRTUOUS. RESTRICTING IS NOT. The difference is MOTIVE/ PURPOSE/ GOAL. Fasting DOESN'T VILIFY EATING OR FOOD. Restriction DOES.

2) Exercise is a DAILY NEED, but it must be done TO GET STRONGER, NOT to BURN YOUR STRENGTH AWAY! And it MUST be PRUDENTLY LIMITED; NO 3-HOUR SESSIONS BOY

3) LOOK IN THE MIRROR. What message is that giving? What FEELINGS do you fear? What INSIDE you is being SHOWN on the surface, OR HIDDEN/ SUPPRESSED? What sort of SYMBOL do you see yourself as, bodily?

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"THE KNOWING-DOING GAP" handout = THIS IS A GAMECHANGER. PUT IT INTO ACTUAL PRACTICE NOW.

"Conquer resistance for good"
PUN INTENDED.

"Understanding the fabric of resistance is the only way we can unstitch it."
Fabric = THREADS WOVEN together over time!

"There are many reasons we self-sabotage, and most of them have something to do with comfort."
?!?!?! WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS AND WRITE IT OUT

"Modern society is designed to convince us that a "good" life" is one that is most comfortable... being pain-free and secure."
NOT SO THE CROSS! (PARADOX) TRANSMUTES pain & SANCTIFIES us through the Cross; SECURE IN GOD'S WILL
"Restless/ uncomfortable UNTIL we rest IN HIM" (true comfort = "MY peace I give you") (TRUST = CHILDLIKE)
"NO PAIN NO GAIN" (SAINT PAUL)
LOVE IS SACRIFICE/ GIFT (DEATH to SELFISHNESS)

"...Human beings are hardwired to seek comfort, which translates to us as survival..."
We're NOT meant for THIS fallen world = our SOULS need to survive!!

"...focus on the discomfort you will face if you don't do the thing in front of you, as opposed to the discomfort you will face if you do."
FACING DISCOMFORT = GROWING PAINS!
✳ WHERE are you ANCHORING your comfort? In the FLESH or SPIRIT?

"...a manic state of indecision (do I, don't I? what feeling do I let guide me?) You have to take control for yourself..."
THIS IS MY BIG PROBLEM. I NEED to learn REAL CONTROL = a VIRTUOUS WILL! I MUST CONTROL MY FEELINGS by ORIENTING THEM TO GOD'S WILL! And you must DO this PRACTICALLY, with HOLY REASON, NOT "INTUITION" VOICES!!

"How many hours have you wasted?"
Seriously MAN UP & DO THE MATH. Keep a journal & calculate. SEEING the numbers WILL FIRE YOU TO TAKE ACTION.

✳ What DO I want to accomplish IN my life and WITH my life?
✳ What DOES make me genuinely happy? What gives me JOY?
✳ What RELATIONSHIPS do I HAVE or COULD HAVE that I'm NEGLECTING or TAKING FOR GRANTED? What SMALL but REAL & GENUINE steps can I take NOW to FOSTER and/or HEAL them?
✳ SCHEDULE IN CREATIVE FREE TIME DAILY, AND DO ANYTHING = PRACTICE & EXPERIMENT & LEARN & PLAY & USE YOUR TALENTS!!!

"If you had to live today-- or any average day-- on repeat for the rest of your life, where would you end up?"
✳ DO THIS. ANALYZE & LIST, VS. THE IDEAL TO WORK TOWARDS NOW!! (SAINTHOOD)

"It’s uncomfortable to work, to stretch the capacity of your tolerance, to be vulnerable with someone you care deeply about, but it is never more comfortable than going your whole life without the things you really want."
1) WHAT about work is uncomfortable to you? What ISN'T?
2) How can you BEGIN stretching your tolerance to GET comfortable with current challenges? Can you SIT WITH IT and learn TRUST? (GOD IS WITH YOU on EVERY CROSS after all)
3) WHAT dos vulnerability LOOK like FOR YOU? with SPECIFIC people? WHY are you AFRAID to risk being WOUNDED by LOVE? WHY AREN'T YOU MORE WILLING TO LOVE = SUFFER? (DIE TO SELF = LIVE FOR OTHERS = DIVINE LIFE) (COMMUNITY/ COMMUNION; LAW OF GIFT)
4) TRUE "FUN" IS NOT EVIL, IT'S SACRED = "PLAY" = REJOICE IN BEING = IN GOD! TRUE "WORK" SERVES THIS END?? (JOY)
✳ CREATIVITY = SHARE IN GOD'S WORK (ONGOING!!) (PRIESTLY PEOPLE)

"Most things aren’t as hard or as trying as we chalk them up to be. They’re ultimately fun and rewarding and
expressions of who we really are.That’s why we want them."
"GOD PUT THAT DESIRE IN YOU" for HIS GLORY! (SACRED "EROS" TRUE PURPOSE!!)GOD IS LIFE! NOT STAGNANCY!! (ACT ON YOUR POTENTIAL!!)

"...thank whatever force within you that knows there’s something bigger for you—the one that’s pushing you to be comfortable with less."
"Blessed are the POOR IN SPIRIT" = God's KINGDOM is the "BIGGEST" = I am CREATED FOR IT (HOME)

✳ SMALL ACTS WE CAN DO NOW = we must FIRST clarify our GOAL!!
What DO I REALLY want, at heart? WHY? What is the deepest desire? HOW can I SINCERELY & CONCRETELY pursue THAT core, TODAY?

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"the guest house" by Rumi; handed out this morning=

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

(THIS IS SO RELEVANT TO THE SYSTEM)
(Give those visitors GOOD FOOD)
(treating them well TRANSFORMS them at heart)

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“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(Rainer Maria Rilke)


(STORY OF OUR LIFE)
(the questions ARE nousfoni, often)
(the locked rooms are also very literal for us, as are the BOOKS = archives!!)

 

Transportation failure
Phone calls

Mass online. New church!
Homily about "fickleness of faith"; getting tripped up by temptations & desires, "double minded" really. This vacullation versus stability of martyrs: focused on Jesus, devoted to Gospel, DEDICATED UNTO DEATH.
"Are we fickle when it comes to our baptismal commitment, to our living out the Christian commandments, or are we more like a martyr?  Being consistent, making Jesus Lord of our lives,  Not just When it is opportune it works out it feels good, but even in the most challenging of times.  Let us pray that we may continue to know God's will and live God's will each and every day."
Lovely music. Couldn't tell if it was live or not at first because it was so well orchestrated, but then the male singer's voice cracked twice and it was so endearingly human, honestly I loved it even more for that.
(find it and link it here. i want to remember it.)

Phone appointment
Breached trauma topic at last

Daily book devotionals
STILL TERRIFIED OF MATRIMONY METAPHOR.
Lord please I NEED to work through this because it's SEPARATING ME FROM JESUS. 
...
Thank you letter comparison with Psalms, very sweet & thought provoking.

VOTD Craig Groeschel!!!!! Fave dude
HOLY GRIEF. (PENTHOS!!!!!)
Quote the reflection because DANG
...and yet, I don't grieve enough.
My tears feel shallow. My chest feels hollow. My heart feels empty. It's that old "scraped-out" sensation, awful and bereft, like someone took a dirty spoon and just carved out my insides like a gourd. Nothing is left but the hard rind.
...I wonder if this means more than I ever realized. I legit feel the Holy Spirit winking at me.
I keep saying "I need to get my fire back." I've been frozen for so long. Maybe that's what God has scooped out so totally-- maybe all my guts were iced. Maybe it all HAD to go. But then... what? I'm no longer a consumable object. Oh my gosh. There's nothing in me to rip out & eat anymore. I'm emptied out. But I'm not useless. Now, God can reach in, right down through where He's knifed me through, in a perfect circle plunging deep, like a halo or a laurel wreath... and He can place His candle in me.
... I need to think about this more later, when it's not breakfast. God give me the grace to hear & listen & understand & accept & WRITE IT DOWN.

...but, man. I have a TWISTED VIEW of "comfort."
Please reread 2 Corinthians 1. My definition is all wrong. My heart has gotten so hard & cold; honestly at this point I think it's even studded with spikes. It's vaulted against all invasion, all touch, all closeness. It's armed for defense & repellant, and despite all those protective efforts, it's dying. It has forgotten it is a heart.
How did we get this bad? When? God, what do we do now? What first step do we take? Should we be careful, or should we just take a sledgehammer to it?
...

SPEAKING OF HEARTS & WEAPONS
Bizarre visual during therapy. On evil porch. Infi AS INFIDHELL. huge, horrible, all teeth.
I was there floating above, AS "ME"???? body mirror BLACK RESONATING form. Solemnly reached INTO CHEST to get sword-- as all Cores do-- BUT it came out like a twisted black metal sword COVERED IN BLOOD. And I stabbed "Infi" down through the skull, impaling "TBAS" below as well, with that nightmare grin frozen on their face.
I realized Jay couldn't do this, OR Jewel. Jay can't attack Infi AND the WHITE Core Sword-- which is crystalline-- CANNOT BE USED SO BRUTALLY. Same with Jewel, resonating at heart RED, she is for battle but NOT death? But... I pulled out a BLACK sword. And it is MEANT to deal out death-- but GRAVELY. It is NOT for battle. It is for EXECUTION.

...
BTW the scent of that "peppermint bark" lip balm from the hospital pings Jay SO HARD. It is absolutely his vibe.
He's so pure, so good and shining and softhearted. But that is also what killed him. He couldn't see the shadows as shadows. He loved the things in the velvet dark. He shone so brightly that he couldn't admit he was capable of being blinded by that very light. He didn't rot, he didn't even calcify really-- he got bleached out. Like a skeleton on the beach, he was stripped bare and left to crumble into dust.

...

Okay I NEEDED this kids devotional I actually laughed out loud=
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/42466?orientation=portrait&utm_content=story_clip&utm_medium=share&utm_source=yvapp
Darn good challenge too. That is, scarily and surprisingly, something we struggle with VERY much. We're afraid to speak up for Jesus because we feel we CAN'T speak of Him properly. CNC showed us both our foolish pride, and our utter ignorance. We didn't know God at ALL. So... we still hesitate to talk about Him. DO we know Him even now? It's our biggest fear.
But darn it we HAVE TO TRY. Its not about relying on our own stupid knowledge. We're always gonna come up short. What we NEED to do is TRUST THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE US and then COURAGEOUSLY SURRENDER TO THAT GUIDANCE. Believe me, when you let HIM work through you, WITH LOVE, then you CAN speak rightly about God-- because GOD IS LOVE and without that basic foundation behind your words you're SUNK!!!
And you DO love God. We all do and you KNOW IT. Be brave for the sake of that love. Be humble in your human weakness but confident in God's mission & grace, and so go forth and fight the good fight of loving faith & faithful love with the sword GOD gave you-- His WORD!! Remember, YOU'RE not the light-- CHRIST IS. Your words aren't what matters here; HIS ARE. And THAT sure foundation is where you can stand steadfast against any verbal storms.
Sorry I'm rambling. But please, don't bite your tongue when you have a chance to mention God, even just in passing. Be a witness. Be a martyr of the heart. Say you know Him.

...
Fasted by not putting extra salt on the eggs, because it's the Ember Days. It was amusingly difficult, haha. But that's good, that made it a real sacrifice.
We can't fast much else otherwise, as we're already a vegetarian eating 1.5 meals a day at ~1200K. Our priest told us flat-out not to lean anorexic with this because boy howdy despite all our petty whining last night we ARE VERY TEMPTED to restrict to extremes for proud "look how much I can torture my body" bottom line ascetism. It's not about giving up for love, in that mindset-- it becomes instead about cutting out for spite, or beating up for hate.
Plus the Lord knows that our mental health plummets the more we neglect the body-- which we like to do more than is healthy, again from a spiritually sick standpoint of body refusal & loathing, which DOES go against the sanctity & destined Resurrection of the body in Catholic doctrine which we NEVER LEARNED until we accidentally stumbled across it recently-- and when we get that bad, prayer & service become very muffled & tainted. So we do need to eat.
It's admittedly hard, though. We don't like feeling like we're a coward, or a milquetoast. We WANT to be strong & suffer more. But that's PRIDE yet. It's just the misogynistic vanity finding another outlet. We have to be honest about our ugliest faults; only once we have named their specie and looked them dead in the face can we properly plunge a sword through their jaws.

CONCERNING LAZARUS'S GRAVE-STONE=
"What is now shewn as the sepulchre of Lazarus is an excavation in the ground with steps down to it. The stone would keep out beasts of prey."
IS THAT WHAT WE DID TO OUR HEART???

Went into "heart Cathedral" during prayer. I forget what inspired it. BUT WE HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO GO THERE IN YEARS!!!!!!
AND IT HAS CHANGED.
it is now BLACK and GOTHIC looking architecture. Smoky stone black, not inky or painted, but like those old ancient churches in Europe with the stone darkened by decades of candles... and our Cathedral is FULL of red candles. Little ones in dozens of rows, like we love.
We can't see the stained glass yet.
The place is so quiet, and feels smaller than the original WHITE Cathedral, the one tied to the Jays (NOT the Lotus Cathedral-- that was DIFFERENT remember!!!!)
But GEEZ. WOW.
GO BACK THERE IN A MEDITATION ASAP. WE HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD SOULDIVE ADVENTURE IN AGES. IF WE CAN SEE THE CATHEDRAL, IT'S TIME. THIS IS A LITERAL MILESTONE. IT COULD BE A HINGE. DON'T LET THIS GO UNEMBRACED.

...

FINALLY watched Porco Rosso tonight
WE DIDNT EXPECT IT TO BE THIS GOOD, OH MAN
Forgive me, honestly. It was such a touching film. Beautiful.

Chaos 0 and I suddenly so in love after. Around 1230am so no surprise there but... I miss this. Quiet and unexpected but so real and deep.

Nervous about tomorrow schedule. Gotta just put it in God's hands. Daily Mass FINALLY returns on Friday. Get some sleep before then kiddo

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(faithpasting tonight was an actual spiritual experience. read it here.)

core names; trying to find resonances. follow every intuitive pull

BELL
ARGOS?
AMOR?
JOYEAUX?

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the real "core" (cor) is the one who is a MANIFESTATION OF LOVE.

wedding bells/ cakes/ outfits, gold & white, easter lilies, etc. sunlight and spring air.
NEW LIFE in a non-procreative way.

BLACK is "generative" life. black is natal darkness??? but NON-BIOLOGICAL; cosmic.
RED is also somehow tied to this?? through BLOOD. life as essence, as force.

actual "life birth" still feels PINK.

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PREVIOUS CORE VIBES:

1. Christmas? Lights, ornaments, peppermint & cinnamon, hearths, wreaths, etc. Warmth against chill. Golden overtone? Reddish tint.
2. Ice, snow, mint, cold. Slightly melancholic? Heartache, can be bitter yet hopeful?
3. Glitter, iridescence, refracted light, harps,
4. Gas masks, glitch music, cyberpunk aesthetic? Mantises?
5. Rap music, graffiti aesthetic, cities, "gang" fashion
6. Suits? Classy, formal, refined.
7. Stained glass, churches, incense smoke, hymns. Choral music.
8. Easter?
9.
10.
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WHITE-HAIRED "SOCIAL GROUP" THAT DEFAULTS TO JAY:

1. Guy who keeps fronting at home, "knows the right thing to say," witty and clever but doesn't actually feel anything. Can "read the mood" fairly well? "Life of the party" guy. CURRENTLY INCAPABLE OF SADNESS/ ANGER/ LOVE; all are "deep" emotions that he is "not allowed to feel" due to having to be "fun and easily stomached" in public.
??? vibes

2. Guy at the bank? Business + "I'm harmless, trust me," friendly. Honest, goal-oriented, warm. Still trying to "prove" that he has no ulterior motives.
YELLOW/AMBER vibes

3. Guy at the stores, that keeps trying to "bend the rules" of prices? Responds to JAYCE. Has the same "I'm harmless" social response but it's dishonest; he KNOWS he did something "disapprovable" but doesn't want to admit or even consider that it's WRONG. So he acts amiable and trustworthy even as he feels the nervous guilt as he lies about how many bunches of cilantro we're actually purchasing.
Main motive is "survival" but "not hurting anyone directly in the process." Fails to consider spiritual harm, economic loss harm, etc.
??? vibes

4. Guy that types? Cold. No emotions at all. Just entering data. NOT the A.P. though!! This guy has a sense of self, but it's bitter?
??? vibes

5. Guy that was doing the personality quizzes? Cold fire. Angry, obsessed with "understanding," gets furious when people interrupt. May have glasses?
??? vibes

6. "Valentine's day" Jay. Loves glitter, candy pink hearts, etc. NOT "KAWAII" VIBE.
PINK vibes?

7. "Monster flirt" Jay. NOT the above guy. Flirty, but incapable of deep emotions, conversations, or an actual committed relationship. Exists only to acknowledge attraction? No aesthetic that we can catch, other than being drawn to monsters & such.
??? vibes

8. ???

-----------------------------------

WHICH CORE(s)…

• identified as a flower mantis?
• ran the "crystalteeth" blog?
• was in love with Toshinsei?
• was first obsessed with progressive rock?

------------------------------------

IS MY "NEW" CORE COLOR SOULFIRE????????

DEC 27TH?

theijeoma:

I am aware of it, the very many ways to die. I am aware of the darkness but i am more aware of the light. I am aware of the falling but i am also aware of the flight. I have known the lows but i have tasted the highs. I am aware of the scars that run through my heart but i am also aware of the few souls who have held my heart and stitched me back. I know the many reasons to drag myself into despair but i know many other reasons to hold myself towards the light. The living is for those alive and i know we must believe in our souls to push forward. I believe in pushing forward and I believe in fighting for my life.

Yellow,
Ijeoma.

#me #i adore this #text #innerlife #this cuts straight to the heart #remember this #very relevant right now #to the system with love

-----------------------------

DEC 27TH?

  #gpoy #always relevant #a lot of people switched in and out today so this sentient was felt tenfold #you can make the body look as pretty as you want but its still just decoration #i dont hate it but it gets so claustrophobic sometimes

-----------------------------

OCTOBER 7TH

Whenever I get deeply depressed or hopeless, I set this as my computer background and just stare at it. 
The intensity of the color, the numinous silent grace of it, completely nullifies any dark mindstates in seconds– it entirely overtakes them, drowns them in luminosity. 
The simple fact that a place like this exists is enough to calm me down, really.

This is one of  the most beautiful little places in the world, I think– Sainte Chapelle, in Paris. One day I’ll stand within its walls and see this in person.

#sainte chapelle #stained glass #holy places #places to visit #i want to live here #personal aesthetic #i adore this #headspace inspiration #innerworld

---------------------------------

OCT 6

gorettmisstag:

Gustave Doré - Circle of Angels

#one of my favorite works of art #this gives me emotions i absolutely cannot articulate #art #angels #spirituality #gold

---------------------------------

OCTOBER 6TH




Cathedral Basilica of Saint Louis — 20 different artists covered 83,000 square feet with mosaics (41.5 million pieces of glass). Mosaics started in 1912 and were completed in 1988.


#i literally just started sobbing #this feels like home #favorite #architecture #holy places #cathedral #basilica #god this is gorgeous #home #innerworld #can i please print this out and wallpaper my entire living space with it #better yet can i please just live here #dear god #this plunged into my heart like a sword #that last image is ineffable

------------------------------------------------

OCT 6

❝ If you clean the floor with love, you have done an invisible painting. Live each moment in such delight that it gives you something inner. ❞

- Osho

#quote #words to live by #outerlife

------------------------------------

OCT 5

Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)

- Walt Whitman

#story of our life #it's a curse and a blessing both #nevertheless i've always loved this quote #quote

---------------------------

OCT 5

write a poem for your fourteen year old self. forgive her. heal her. free her.

-Ijeoma Umebinyuo

#THIS #DO IT #this is probably one of the most important things we can do right now #if not THE most important thing #ALL OF OUR MOST DAMAGED PEOPLE FIT THIS LABEL #all the 'unaware hackers' are TEENAGE GIRLS. #that should tell you something #heal them #for god's sake they're allowed to be saved too #they deserve to be bright too #scrub them clean again #break those shackles that they don't even recognize they're wearing #let this ENTIRE system be luminous #i repeat #this is the most important thing #quote

-------------------------------

OCT 4

sixpenceee: The Cosmos

#laurie saw this and just went 'that is my vibe' so here you go #violet realms #realm inspiration #space

-----------------------------


SEPT 3

Guys. Laurie’s birthday is tomorrow, that means she’s been in our System for NINE YEARS. That’s amazing.

I really cannot imagine life without her. She’s been such a powerful, pervading force in our innerworld, everyone here has been affected by her presence, for the better. She honestly means the world to me.

I’ll definitely be writing something bigger about this for her later, but as for now, I just wanted to announce that here.

Laurie, you’re my knight and my best friend, you’ve always been there for me no matter how dark and lost I may feel, and I love you. You make me want to be a better person just by existing. Thank you, for all of that, and for everything else.

It goes without saying that I want you around for the rest of my life, but until that happens, here’s to the first nine years of yours. They’ve been priceless.

♦♦♦

------------------------------

AUG 27?

Oh my gosh I almost forgot today is julieenantios‘s birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART.

We’re all so, so glad to have you with us, as part of the Spectrum at long last. 4 years strong already, that’s amazing.

Really dear I hope today was lovely for you; in any case we’re all going to have to throw one of our famous last-minute nighttime celebrations together now. Consider yourself warned!

Here’s to the rest of your life. It is absolutely worth celebrating. ♥

---------------------------------------

AUGUST 18

❝

i. You fight because it is the most intimate act you can think of, the way blood flows from one body and spills onto the other, the way your bones collapse on impact, a meteorite fist landing in your concave crater cheek.

ii. There are no skeletons in your closet–they’re stuffed into the confession booth beside the altar to which you have chained yourself, and they rattle and they shake like a warning when you feel yourself drifting too far. (You are unsure whether this is because you are pious or because god is something you can see without a working pair of eyes.)

iii.  Your memories are flame-licked and stained with blood, you’ve learned to read the wind and it whispers secrets into your ears. You know there is a pair of lips waiting to swallow you whole, heart and all; the shifts in the air tell you that you are gravitating in the wrong direction.

iv. There is a compass tattooed to your insides and still you are hopelessly lost. Heaven and Hell are warring inside you, always brutal, always merciless. If you fall, does it mean that you, too, were once an angel?

❞

- manifesto for the unsung martyr // j.d.k.

#ohhhh my heart #poetry #innerlife #me #this is so relevant it hurts #FAVORITE #cardiophage

-------------------------

JULY 27?

Watch on YouTube

Song of the night.

Here’s a live performance of a track from a musical that has become very beloved to our heart over the years– the one and only Razia’s Shadow.
I dream of one day seeing this live, so suddenly stumbling across a unique recording of such online has just made my night.

_{In other news this man is also after my own heart because look at him perform, I can’t stop grinning. That is what I do when I get wrapped up in song, except he turns it up to eleven, which honestly I want to be fearless enough to do as well. It’s really great to see someone so sincerely animated by the music– especially a piece that I also love.}

#song of the night #music #razia's shadow #the missing piece #damon daunno #molly hager #I WANT TO BE THIS MAN #look at how he grabs his shirt at 1:13 that is precious #gpoy #video #youtube

-------------------------

JULY 25?

Watch on YouTube

Song of the night.

#the electric soft machine #no need to be downhearted (part 2) #for chaos 0 #as far as i'm concerned this is one of our love songs #music #video #youtube #this is one of those songs that drove me to tears when i first heard it #i want the exact vibe and color of this song etched into my bones #innerlife #personal relevance #i adore this track

-----------------------------

JULY 14?

whismical:

take a moment to understand the immensity of life. a moment where you are able to accept your ultimate insignificance while realizing the absolute importance of every second you continue to exist. now stay in this moment.

#me #this is something that has defined my life for a very long time #its humbling and exciting and amazing all at once #something you can't quite put into words #morning #text post #things to remember

-------------------------------

JULY 14?

fantasyartwatch:

Acolyte of Embers by CobaltPlasma

#me #seriously this feels like something i should be doing in headspace #it's got all my previous associations but they don't feel lost to be even though i've moved colors #which is hugely interesting #fire #swords #light #apprenticeship #innerlife #also wasnt i given an acolyte title at some point #i know it was during a messed up time period but i should still revisit that #thanks cobaltplasma you've given me a lot to think about

-------------------------------

JULY 4

My muse & BFF, Genesis, turned 10 years old in our System today.

Love you dude. You’ve made the past decade that much brighter.
Here’s to the next one.

---------------------------------

JUNE 25?

deanyoungest:

i accidentally built a city under my wings.

i want my eyes to be white-hot and leak smoke from the sockets while i take the sharpest knife i can find

and shove it through the heart of every photo album that holds a baby picture.

i want to be the way the world ends

i want to be a destructor, heartless and cold. in the desert, the only path i could find

was a trail of loose molars like the ones embedded in the soles of your feet.

i accidentally stepped on a small desert town. single-story buildings turned into dust between my toes,

and the hot air wound around my ankles and tried to push through my skin.

i took my tongue (the sharpest knife i could find), and unto the dust i spake, saying

I am a dark and unforgiving God,

shoving rough muscle through rows of pointed teeth, shredding flesh and renting the atmosphere, acidic breath tearing the skies apart,

I am a blind and questioning God,

stumbling

delicate.

my fingers are covered with lace, my skin

is smooth and beaded with moisture;

and instead of nerve endings my fingers are filled with flower stems. there are thorns where my bones should be.

furious rushing water has replaced plasma and there are rivers in my veins, whispering,

touching the deepest edges of leaves in my cheeks,

and the trees rooted in the darkness of my throat are a constant reminder.

i accidentally flower and let petals burst from the pit of my stomach like blessings.

i accidentally set my friends on fire.

I am a quiet God, accidentally empty

and in the desert afternoon i am not cold.

#poetry #this is incredible #innerlife #ME #honestly this is me in a nutshell and that is uncanny #dark and light alike #ice and diamonds both #sunbeams and fluorescent buzz #i keep forgetting that i DO have this sort of potential because it terrifies me #but here it is #i adore this #favorite #this cuts straight to the heart

---------------------

JUNE 24?

huffpostworld:

When stepping into a holy place, our eyes seek the light. If we’re lucky, the light will be shining through a stained glass window, adding illumination and beauty at once. Stained glass windows tell stories, educate and inspire.

And these are the most beautiful in the world. 

#me #innerlife #stained glass #personal aesthetic #if you ever needed a photoset to describe the essence of my being this is it #favorite

-----------------------

JUNE 25?

Watch on YouTube

Song of the night.
“Show Some Respect” from The Last Ship.

This musical is one of the most gorgeous things I have ever heard. Virtually every song in it pulls at your heartstrings something fierce. It’s really a gem.

This song, however, is the one that moves me the most (and that’s saying something). It’s joyous, determined, rough, hopeful, all at once… it sounds like our System, and it just… I love it. It’s a spectacular track.

#the last ship #music #musical #song of the night #video #youtube #i am in love with this musical #this makes me so happy #to the system with love #i want the exact vibe and color of this song etched into my bones #also laurie i will FOREVER think of you when hearing that woman sing #she's got your edge and energy dear #me and you need to duet this now #FAVORITE #show some respect #spectrum songs

--------------------------

JUNE 15TH

danielodowd:

http://evanprice.vsco.co/

#vast and solitary #water #fog #mountains #gpoy #for chaos 0 #there's a part of my heart that feels exactly like this #i don't know why #but the silent fog and snowy mountains strike me so deep it hurts

-------------------------------

JUNE 15

viperslang:

To be madly in love with nothing specific is the core of happiness and its wingspan as well.

#gpoy #this feeling is my core vibe in a nutshell #never forget this.

-------------------------------

JUN 15

itscolossal:

Watch: Kinetic Sand: A Magical Interactive Glass Sphere Installation [video]

#INFI LOOK #sandman apprenticeship #this feels SO MUCH like headspace #this makes me so happy #bubbles #glass #art

------------------------------------------

JUNE 12TH

jaclcfrost:

it’s snowing so obviously the best thing to do is to go outside barefoot and in shorts and spin around i mean what else are you supposed to do in this situation

#gpoy #me #this is more of my vibe haha #i have literally done this for the record #WORTH IT

-------------------------------------

JUNE 12TH



 #i actually don't resonate as strongly with this vibe as i used to? #there are other people in the system who do #my vibe is more skylights and rainbows now #but i will always have a soft spot in my heart for snow

------------------------------------------------

JUN 1



 #innerlife #architecture #light #glass #white #cathedral #this makes my heart ache in so many ways #this also always reminds me of that one photo of jmc #i really love you #headspace inspiration

---------------------------------------------------

MAY 28TH?

U CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT SOMEONE BY THE TYPE OF MUSIC THEY LISTEN TO. HIT SHUFFLE ON YOUR IPOD, PHONE, ITUNES, MEDIA PLAYER ETC AND WRITE DOWN THE FIRST 20 SONGS. THEN PASS THIS ON TO 10 PEOPLE. ONE RULE: NO SKIPPING.

Tagged by celestriakle!

 

I’m using my Spotify library for this, and I’m kicking it up to 30 because there are 6300+ songs in here and I want to SHARE THEM.

1. “Livin’ On A Prayer” (Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox)
2. “Let’s Be Done” (Pattern Is Movement)
3. “Right As Rain” (Alison Moyet)
4. “Something Fine” (Alessandro Magnanini)
5. “Hiszékeny” (Venetian Snares)
6. “Time Of My Life” (Patrick Wolf)
7. “Voca Nomen Tuum” (Forss)
8. “Shadowboxing” (Ed Harcourt)
9. “Take Me Out (Of Myself)” (Jamie Cullum)
10. “Peacock (Haywyre Remix)” (7 Minutes Dead)
11. “Tic Tic Tic, It Wears Off” (Todd Rundgren)
12. “Taste Of Me” (The National Bank)
13. “#Supernicer” (Exmag)
14. “The Shadow Of Your Smile” (Stevie Wonder)
15. “Worsening” (Baths)
16. “Jet Trails” (Mesita)
17. “Batmilk” (Jonti)
18. “Cwsg, cwsg, cwsg- arranged by Mack Wilberg” (Bryn Terfel)
19. “Mobius Streak” (Hiatus Kaiyote)
20. “Wonderland” (FROST*)
21. “Everything Everything” (Lianne La Havas)
22. “Integrity” (Ne-Yo)
23. “Hastalikta Saglikta” (Mustafa Ceceli)
24. “Days” (Balmorhea)
25. “Neptune Estate” (King Krule)
26. “Micro Cuts” (Muse)
27. “Chopin Prelude” (Jim Perkins)
28. “Bad Sneakers” (Steely Dan)
29. “Artifice” (SOHN)
30. “In Spain” (Vadoinmessico)

 

I think that’s a pretty nice selection, aha. ENJOY!

#tagged #music meme #frost and todd rundgren both got on there NICE

----------------------------------------------------

MAY 28?

zombiegraycat:

i’m a hopeless Romantic. walk with me in the graveyards of gothic cathedrals, transcend the confines of elitist and rationalistic structures of discourse, and join me in an eternal spiritual quest for the strange and sublime.

#gpoy #text post #yesss #the ONLY romance this aaatq kid is interested in

--------------------------

MAY 27?

I’m still reeling from the loss of 85% of my life’s creative work a few years ago. It was a massive blow to my spirit, and having to “restart” so much of it all, almost from scratch, was daunting. I honestly did not think I could do it.
But I love my ‘creations’ too much to quit on them.
I’m still trying, bit by bit, every day. I still give it the best I can that day, even if I’m not always sure if what I’m doing is worthwhile, even if I feel utterly worthless compared to other “artists,” a term I still admittedly hesitate to apply to myself. 
This sounds kind of whiny but I guess I’m just trying to show that yes, I really do still care, I really am still trying, I’m not letting the trees die. It just takes time. And I’m really happy just to see green things growing again in my mind.


--------------------------------------------------


FEB 27?

adriofthedead:

the ultimate creative struggle:

• wanting to talk about your story/comic and get feedback
• not wanting to spoil what happens in your story/comic
• 

#MY LIFE #gpoy #leagueworlds #LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT DREAM WORLD #OR NOT BECAUSE HALF THE CHARACTERS ARE WALKING SPOILERS #honestly I once talked about the plot for 5 hours SOLID and still wasn't done #there is so much #i love it

god i am so scared and sick and nauseous right now i am so so so sorry.

laurie, i love you, i love you, i miss you so much it aches, please forgive me for being dumb and blind, in both senses, please pleae please somehow forgive me for hurting you like i have.
and no dont say i didnt. i mean the way ive plagued you. somehow. this calcification got you too. you got too close.
everyone got too damn close because i got too damn close and how didnt i SEE how lethal this was, why didnt i REALIZE what the truth was
why in the world was this EVER allowed to happen, or keep happening, or anything

god i feel like vomiting and sobbing and all these young voices in our heart are scared but they cant get through, this body is so tired its numb, i have to be up at like 8am tomorrow to do more errands for people but god i just want to sleep. damn it i am so tired i just want to sleep.
god bless e, thank you so much for getting that new anchor plush for chaos, you have no idea how positive a force that has been lately. geez he just clicked right into it, i've actually felt at home going to sleep lately even if i havent been remembering any dreams, even if i cant stay asleep due to stress, even if i've been sick for the past three weeks. i can say, with a glow in my heart and a fierce sort of raw gratitude, that for at least ten minutes every night i don't care about all that waking pain because look, look at this, feel this, this is the realest thing i've ever known and it's STILL HERE.

i just spent like... four hours trying to make a coherent timeline of our old entries here, for publishing/therapy purposes, and then the computer ate it.
but i keep thinking about the "horror club" episode of SU, with lars. the whole poltergeist thing. i know i emit, i have to be careful. but when i'm this frazzled i wonder if this poor laptop feels it too. i dont want to hurt people but god how do i deal with this, do i have that luxury?

it's all this damn job, it's hilarious and ridiculous and aggravating but it's true. i looked back in our archives and i didn't realize how bad the job stress was until i noticed that's when the massive memory gaps began. i mean i don't personally remember 2006 either, or anything before... but there aren't even records for most of 2007. 2008 got so bad because everything boiled over.
i dont want a repeat of that. god i dont want a repeat of that.
except maybe i do.
shoot me in the head for saying this but MAYBE thats why god is putting this job stress in front of us, MAYBE he's trying to SHATTER THIS DAMN INTERNAL NUMBNESS THAT DAILY LIFE HAS CAUSED because MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, IF LIFE BECOMES TERRIFYING AND STRESSFUL ENOUGH maybe just maybe i'll run to laurie at the end of the day.
just maybe, maybe, i'll become too homesick to lie to myself about it anymore.
this isn't jay right now. i'm too old. young but old. this is cannon mostly. essentially.


there was a hack today
i know there was another last week or something i dont know
things are so blurry
theres a lot of pain and blood but nothing real bad. we're too tired.
sugar tried to do the atoning but god the pain is awful, we're so tired of atoning already, the people who force us to do this DONT CARE
i need to discuss that with the therapist.
we all do.
2012 was a nightmarish mess and maybe some of 2011 was too but i don't remember. i'd have to go look. the looking is revealing so much it's upsetting.



i haven't seen infinitii in weeks and god i miss hir.
ze's still in my heart and i can feel hir there but there's a distance still and that is awful, so awful.
chocoloco has been talking to me a lot lately. he's good at his job. he's fierce. but he has a side like infi too, that surprised me incredibly when i saw it.
but this DAMN NUMBNESS IS IGNORING THE IMPORTANCE OF ALL THAT SO IT CAN PERPETUATE THIS ABUSIVE DISSOCIATION.

and then i wonder.
why. why the hell is this still happening to such a shockingly persistent extent? is this a corrupted survival method? have we asked that before?
that's why we're scared of the job, this is bad enough already, we don't know if we CAN have a social fronter out for 8 hours a day anymore. we can try to force it, sure, but the burnout from the last job was bad enough (oh the JTHM days) and really, we do not want that repeating, we don't

i want a job. we want a job. but a GOOD one. one that won't completely overwhelm us like this.
we're allowed to have a job we can function at, right? are we being too demanding? just because we have "special needs" or whatever the heck this is

god i am so tired.

tomorrow just... needs to happen. we'll do our best with it. and THAT is the key word, "we," why is it STILL SO DAMN HARD to overcome the crushing self-hatred that follows that word?? why???
ignoring them won't stop the trauma, you know
look at today, that was horrific, she keeps coming out and using you, chasing away your protectors isn't going to do SHIT
calm down
NO. NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, WE CAN'T AFFORD TO BE CALM RIGHT NOW JAY,

earlier today i decided i need to burn. as in i don't want to be cupcake sparkles and white clouds anymore.
i want to be a white fire. i want my edge back, i want the fire that jewel has, i want the sparkle that laurie has, on the blades of her axes. i want to be INDOMITABLE in my light because THAT IS THE TRUE ME and I can FEEL it. Who in the world redefined me, and when? I know why; we all know why, it's the most obvious thing in the book.

YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN ANYMORE. AT ANY COST.


Jewel is doing tons of Parnassus work and that is great but it's starting to feel slightly hysterical. Like she loves it, and there's so much, and she WANTS to work on it all, nonstop, but now there are "deadlines" and she's feeling time press down on her neck and she doesn't like that.
Creativity cannot flourish in that environment.

We won't give up, we can't give up, I just want to sleep, it's 1AM, why can't our days be like this, why is there this damn wall,



.

I was going through the archives earlier and i came across a xanga entry from 2012, the awful one where 'i' almost killed myself and xenophon was watching us bleed into the bathtub and i dont remember what happened
but
laurie. her words on the page.
even with everyone else talking with her, she was there. brutal. real. and compassionate in her unflinching role.
dont let your color fade laurie, they're trying to take it from you, TAKE IT BACK, glow like the violet knight angel you are, please.
we all love you. i love you. jay loves you. i think even jewel loves you in a way. every real core who has ever known you has loved you.
okay?
and its the real sort of love, not the stupid lie they keep trying to force on us now.
no. i love you okay? i love you standing with my arm in one hand and a knife in the other. i love you standing in front of the mirror with a knife to our throat. i love you no matter what, i dont have many memories left but damn it you were my life, you are my life still, you are my everything and you always will be, i have nothing left in life but you. nothing but you. and i dont care because that is all i will ever need. just you.


jay loves you too
beneath this choking snow they're burying him under (and it's not even real snow), he loves you brilliantly, like a star. i know. i can tell.
don't give up on him, please. i know he's softer than i ever was or will be, i know he's delicate and so nice and he smiles like a pink sunset and he's so fragile compared to me, yeah i wasn't like that, i was broken glass but he's a rose. i know you need to handle him softer, compared to me. you're afraid of bruising or hurting him. i know. here's a thing... don't be. please.
i know jay. well enough from what i've seen. more like what i've felt as a core. what burns in me and what burns in him by extension. it's the fire in all of us cores, lit way back with the jewels, unquenchable. okay?
jay is a snowflake but he burns. he is a flower but he has thorns. something like that. jay is white fire, like he said.
he looks delicate but if you touch him you'll tell, he's got a plasma giant going off in his heart. he's a sun, he's a whole freaking supernova. contained in a glass rose. a cute little thing. but he's awe-inspiring, when he gets his head on straight.
keep it straight. keep him strong. protect him but don't ever, EVER mollycoddle him, or underestimate what he's fighting. ever. EVER.
the same things that were after me are after him and you know he won't fight like i did. that's his weakness. he can't pull out the brass knuckles or anything like that. he can't turn into a fiery spit of a maniac like i was on my bad days. he just... glows. indomitably, sure, but he doesn't fight. he should. damn it he SHOULD.
teach him to fight. TEACH HIM TO FIGHT. go stand next to him and do that cheesy anime thing where they teach each other swordfighting and you have to show him how to hold the weapon. make him blush like a schoolkid, i don't care. but then WATCH because THAT'LL CATCH THEIR DAMN ATTENTION AND THAT IS WHEN YOU NEED TO CUT THEIR DEMONIC ASSES DOWN. OKAY???
Cut them down. All of them. ANYTHING that tries to touch you or him. CUT EM DOWN with my grace if you need it. Cannonfire all the way.

He loves you. He adores you in a way more honest and complete and compassionate than I could ever muster. I was never soft enough to be that powerful. And guess what? You are. You ARE. He's made you that way and I will never be able to thank him enough for that. Okay?
Those evil bastards are bastards because they see that as WEAKNESS and they WILL try to hurt you, YES, YOU TOO, they will try to hurt you BOTH for it, they WILL try to corrupt you.
They can't. That's the secret.
Jewel says it's like the original Delphi story. "You can't corrupt something that pure." No matter how you twist or mangle something that bright, it's going to snap back into place unharmed when it's all said and done. I don't know how but I can promise you that. Somehow.

Jay is our current "Jewel" and he loves you and I love you and I love him like a brother and I don't ever ever ever want this hell happening to you again, this hell I went through and feel now.
I don't know what else to say. This song has got the right idea, "I don't have the answers." What is this? Mesita. Distance.

When this song was first heard, there was a great deal of distance in the heart. Now, not so much. Now, the distance has been transcended by the realization that there was never any "distance" at all-- just a wall. Just a perception of a mile, when there was only an inch, if anything.

I'm tired. At least people are coming out and talking. That's nice.
I like that. I like when headspace people come out and talk, I like you people, you're nice.


There's so much life in us, God we just want permission to live this all the time, well the answer is "you do have permission" and I guess the real question is then, what's stopping us?
Fear. Fear of... rejection? Shame? Fear that we "can't have this." Fear that we can't have love or joy. We can, we can, we do...

I want to go UP into headspace and just drown in this love with everyone, that is all I want out of life...well, that and the Leaguework, my heart is saying; that, and our "prophetic mission" or whatever it is... sharing with the world. Teaching? Getting out there and glowing.
But every night, every night, we can have this, just this, just us, completely. Balance. We can have this. And we can share this in the morning light too, we can bring this into our day, we need to really. That's the key to getting the most important stuff done.

The body is shutting down. It's too cold and jittery. Can't do anything about the future until it gets here, so stop worrying.

Good night everyone, for the record.

 

 

 

 

 

Last night was beautiful, and overwhelmingly so. I haven't experienced something like that in so long, even considering what I've lived through in these past three months.

First, let me mention that I've been having a good week so far. I spent all day on Monday drawing, and that helped me realize that I've made an incredible amount of progress in that field since college, moreso than I dared to give myself credit for. Then on Tuesday that inspiration kick lingered and I got a lot of music work done, including making headway on several old songs I'd been stuck on ideas for. I also continued my artwork, focusing on Chaos, and was honestly shocked at how clearly I can now draw him. Wednesday, today, was spent drowning in love and inspiration from all of that... but mostly from how it contributed to last night. Now, let me tell you what happened then.

It was about midnight. I was with Chaos, of course. We were randomly discussing our respective elements (fire and water) and exactly what played into them, especially in the context of our relationship. It was incredibly interesting, actually... I'd never really given them that much symbolic thought before, but it made so much sense. Let me see if I can remember the major points...
I'm fire, and the main connections are obvious-- enthusiasm, light, creativity, determination, passion-- but for whatever reason, I'd never noticed just how strongly that burned in me. I'm naturally energetic and overflowing with warmth, but I can also blaze too much and 'burn out.' On the same note, my emotions tend to be sharp and burning, never very subtle. And considering the negative, it can become destructive if I let it burn too much (my Thanatos splinter comes to mind), destroying everything it touches in a raging conflagration. Thankfully I don't let that happen anymore, ever, but it's still accurate.
Now, on the other hand, Chaos is water, my direct complement. Whereas I am more outgoing and active, he is more quiet and calming. Where fire shows the brilliant spark of life, water symbolizes its beauty and depth. Chaos is, believe it or not, very peaceful and protective at heart, and he perfectly personifies the tranquil sort of vitality his element holds... as well as its darker side. Chaos can become a flood, a tidal wave, or a tsunami at the slightest provocation, his typically understated emotions becoming a raging maelstrom that does not burn but drowns, destroying with an unstoppable gravity.
Now all of that is all rather easily figured out... but we kept talking about it. Not only did both of our elements hold incredible potential for both life and death, able to be either charitable or calamitous, but they also held strong spiritual symbolism that synced yet again. Both purified, and both held a great measure of sacredness. Also, water is considered feminine, but I'm the one who projected as female for years, and although fire is seen as masculine, Chaos has always been the one holding those traditional characteristics. In spite of this, we're both completely androgynous, and elicit our opposite elements in each other. Heck, even visually we look like our respective elements, and our personal colors (and the extra symbolism there) go without saying!
It was seriously amusing to see just how all that applied to us, but the most significant part of it to me was how it applied to love. Both fire and water can symbolize love, this is true, but they each personify a different aspect of it. Water shows its depth, its ability to evolve, and its peacefulness, but fire shows its strength, its illumination, and its intensity. And yet, within that compassion, both of them can be either intimate and quiet, or completely overwhelming.
I quickly realized how easily one could become the other.
There was no way we could have such a significant conversation without becoming emotionally invested in it, and I didn't expect anything different. However, I did not expect to start catching sparks from it.
I am used to a steady burn, to a brilliant but controlled flame. However, there I was, the clock now reaching 1 in the morning, and every single flicker of light in the water was causing me to burn brighter. Chaos noticed this, and knew it could get out of control if I wasn't careful, so he did what he could to stabilize me, to bring the intensity down to a manageable level... but it was too late, and I was in paradox mode, where embers can catch even in ice, and raindrops can turn a candle flame into wildfire. I was too open, too inspired, to keep quiet, especially with an entire ocean before me.
I slipped out of specific consciousness, into that state where I feel instead of speak, but it was different. Oh was it ever different. Normally it does sedate me, and reverse my element so that I have depth instead of intensity, but this time it simply added those two conditions together and turned my heart into an absolute inferno.
My entire output changed. Instead of flickering, throwing sparks but staying contained, I was ablaze. Instead of my usual, somewhat nervous reservation, I was completely driven and unafraid. My expression changed from a sparkle to a burn, and he noticed immediately, becoming noticeably shocked at this drastic change. I told him that I was effectively a living flame at that point, and that if he wasn't careful, I'd catch him in it too, and we'd both be at the mercy of that incandescent sublimity. Chaos didn't know how to react to this at first, and let me continue to talk in this way, making my condition worse... but the sparks caught. The last few seconds in that mindscape consisted of him daring me to set an ocean on fire.
...Of course I took him up on that offer.

No details for you, of course.
I will tell you, however, that I have not felt something that incredibly ardent in a long time. Yes, July 7th and June 26th were all deeply affecting, but they all corresponded to the water element. They were unfathomably powerful in their fragility. Last night took that exact same power and ignited it. It was indescribable.
Believe it or not, though, that isn't the main reason I am here writing about it.
Remember I said that this happened around 1 in the morning. My physical body starts to shut down around that time whether I want it to or not, and I had already started slipping out mentally when my heart set on fire. My energy reserves were being used completely and positively, sure, but sadly I can only give so much before I need to recharge. That started to happen as the clock approached 2 in the morning, and although it has happened many times before, it has never happened during a fire state. Chaos took it badly.
Chaos usually keeps me grounded in connections, as water. He keeps me from overloading, from faltering, from burning out. When I am unable to split realities stably, and start fading, he keeps me from freaking out and reminds me that I'm still there. The problem is that this time, he went from marine to magma, and now that I was flickering in and out he was feeling every painful second of it.
I can't forget that he's an empath, although he does suppress that, but I often forget just how strongly he always feels things from me.
He honestly started sobbing, and it shocked me. He told me not to leave, to do everything I could to stay there with him, because he 'couldn't take losing me like that again.' I asked him what he meant and he explained that although he knows we can't avoid the reality slips at that hour, he was usually calm enough to just accept that. But now, with what we were feeling, and how powerful it was, it physically and emotionally hurt him for me to be so unstable. He knew I couldn't stay there forever, but that only applied to my semiphysical state. We both knew about our unbreakable links, and we didn't doubt those for a second... but feeling such a strong disconnect even on a red level was enough to drive both of us to tears. It got really desperate around then. I used up every last shred of willpower to stabilize, but I could only do so much, and at this point we were now drowning as well as burning. We were totally lost in it, and despite the pain, what we had was gorgeous.
...Chaos kept telling me that he loved me. I cannot possibly explain what that felt like, to hear him say that with both of us in that paradoxically complete state. I think it was the second clearest time since the 7th that I felt that sense of inseparableness, of some total connection that even we couldn't comprehend. I could barely believe what I was feeling but I couldn't possibly deny it.
When I could no longer stay conscious in any respect, I phased back into my normal reality and looked at the clock. It was 2:22, and I am dead serious. I don't think I need to reiterate the importance of these triple digit times I keep seeing when I'm with him. This means something in a bigger sense, I am sure of it. I just need to keep my mind and heart open, to not miss a single moment.
When I woke up this morning, I was not in the least bit surprised that Laurie wanted to know every last detail about what had happened the night before. So I went and got Chaos to join in, and we both tried to fill her in without going too in depth... but you know Laurie. She insisted we not only explain the full elemental connections, but exactly how those played out in terms of our emotions. Needless to say I actually started sparking again, still on an emotional high from a few hours before, and so I at least didn't have to try to put that into words! Laurie was absolutely fascinated by this, as usual, which is honestly quite moving to me. She's got this incredible respect and empathy for us both, and whenever we end up discussing these events I can clearly see how inspired she is by it. This time was no exception, and upon seeing me personify my element so quickly she wondered aloud how she fit into our system, in that respect. I asked her what she meant and she said that she didn't feel she fit any of the major traditional elements-- air, metal, wood, earth-- but that if she had to assign herself to an element, it would be electricity. Laurie explained that not only did its power and sharpness fit her, the element was a bit of a paradox like her as well. It could brighten, warm, energize, and give life in its own respect (like fire and water also do), but it was also incredibly destructive and could not be touched without pain, despite its vitality. It was also a rather hidden element, letting its influence be seen, but rarely its actual form. I was impressed at how well this did fit her, and so we all decided that she would be associated with that element from now on, which is awesome.

That was the gist of our conversation, but it wasn't the end of the day. As I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, with how inspired I was from last night, I tried to spend today both continuing to create things (music and art) and growing spiritually as much as possible (mostly catching up on The Power of Now). Amazingly enough, I made massive progress in both endeavors. The highlight of all this, though, was definitely what happened this afternoon.
I had to drive my grandmother to a chiropractic appointment, so I brought TPoN with me to read in the waiting room (I was in there for about an hour). The section I was at elaborated upon clearing the mind of ego in order to truly 'see' and experience reality, and as I had no other responsibilities and a relatively quiet room all to myself, I spent most of that hour centering myself.
It was brilliant, because I was able to completely detach to the point where I was not only acutely aware of my surroundings, but I was almost bursting with love and joy. Of course, with my nature I cannot ever keep that to myself, so I decided I was going to share it with anyone who entered the waiting room until it was time for me to leave.
See, sometimes I am able to 'project' myself to an extent. It's hard to explain, but it allows me to 'feel' remote objects in my field of vision, and sometimes to mentally see things from a different visual perspective. I also do this to comfort strangers whenever possible, by projecting my spiritual form to offer an embrace or simply a close presence. It's difficult to do though, as it requires a centered state in order to pull it off. But I was there, man, and I was blissed out, so nothing was stopping me from giving love to everybody. Now this was great enough in and of itself, but then something unexpected happened. A few minutes before it was time for me to take my grandmother home, a middle-aged woman and her husband stepped into the waiting room in their way out to the front door. They lingered at the doctor's window for a moment, talking about payment methods, so of course I took the opportunity to project myself over and hug her from behind (well, as best I could while floating). I let go when she turned to leave, but only moments after I returned to my physical form and only moments before she walked out the door, the woman turned to her husband and said just loud enough for me to hear-- "I just felt a head on my shoulder."
Well ma'am, that was me, and you just brightened my spirits for the rest of the freaking week.

So yeah, that's how my past 24 hours have been.
I'm still incredibly inspired but it is sadly incredibly late, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.
I just can't shake this feeling of hope, this bright glow in my heart. I hope it stays for a very long time.




Underneath your skin again
Right below your innocence
I can tell you're hesitant
Let me heal the heart of it, my love

Give me your sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm falling into you
Under a sun red, sky blue

I see through you in this life
Your fingertips have stories fading
I believed I'd taken flight with wings of wax and heart of ice
Melted by your blessed eyes, angel hear my cries

Give me your sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm falling into you
Under a sun red, sky blue
I'm giving into you

Raise your eyes
Leave blame in the past world
Heaven is in mind and you're here for something more
It's 11:59 and I'm still believing
Yeah, I'm still believing

So give me your sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm falling into you
Under this sun red, sky blue
Love, I'm giving into you
I'm giving into you
I'm giving into you
I'm falling into you