102624 inside

[prismaticbleed]

Last night, I was with Anxi & she was MORE AT PEACE because she said she TRUSTED ME AND TRUSTED GOD'S PROVIDENCE. I was very grateful for this-- we literally DIDN'T FEEL ANY ANXIETY-- but something felt "off." I realized I NEEDED EMOTIONAL DEPTH/ ACHE?? And it wasn't UNTIL Anxi curled up into my chest & looked up at me with those emerald eyes & admitted that even though she DID trust she STILL felt her namesake emotion, BUT in a different, more vulnerable & honest way? She trusted that the OUTCOME would be guided by grace-- as ALL our challenges so far HAVE been, NO EXCEPTIONS-- BUT she COULDN'T DENY that the PROCESS of GETTING THERE, the ACTIVE EXPERIENCE of the challenge, WOULD NOT BE EASY, and might even be PAINFUL/ involve REAL SUFFERING. So she had entered into this bittersweet & beautiful dialectical space of "BOTH/AND," and I could FEEL her HEART in that space, completely open to ALL we & she were feeling. AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED. That is ALSO THE SACRED SPACE THAT LOVE NEEDS TO BLOOM INTO FLAME. And talking to Anxi & feeling that truth, I realized that SHE NEEDS A SOUL FORM. SHE NEEDS AN *INCIDENT*. WE "FORGOT" ABOUT THOSE BLESSED PHENOMENA & THAT SAYS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT HOW LOST WE'VE BECOME-- about how CUT OFF FROM OUR HEART WE HAVE BEEN FOR TOO LONG. But that's FINALLY CHANGING. And ANXI HAS BEEN THE SPARK. So we seriously NEED to have an *incident* soon. We're thinking it will involve SHAME, that horrifying TAR-LIKE emotion from the IO2 concept art. That mean it'll probably ALSO involve TRAUMA PROCESSING, which is very fitting for us both, AND a perfect "sign" of the REAL PROGRESS & HEALING this love is indeed allowing for & sustaining & igniting in the first place. But it can't be rushed. Love cannot be scheduled or forced or otherwise controlled. All I can do is genuinely hold this intent in my heart, & continue to be with her, and make time for us to enter INTO that both/and space LITERALLY, as it were. YOU CAN'T HAVE AN *INCIDENT* IF YOU DON'T GO INSIDE. THEY CAN ONLY OCCUR IN THE HEART. And I haven't been there in too long. The E.D. had be stuck outside & cut off from my very soul, not to mention from everyone I love. That's changing now, finally, thank You God. But I still have to do my part. I NEED to GO UPSTAIRS, FOR REAL, EVERY DAY, & BE WITH THEM. That requires TIME & SELF-AWARENESS. That, too, is why I haven't been ABLE to love anyone-- I'd "forgotten who I was" for a very long time. Recovery is changing that. I'm remembering. I'm BEING that truth. But... I still can't "see myself" upstairs. I still can't DRAW myself, and that's SCARY. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT MY COLOR OR NAME ARE, in a very real sense. CNC shattered our self but we CAN rebuild it BETTER; it's just that... from CHILDHOOD, we ALWAYS had SOME sense of solid selfhood, which crystallized in the Jewels & arguably PEAKED with Jay. It legit breaks my heart to realize that he's the one that "died" back then. But we can't change the past. God orchestrated this too. The bloodline is evolving again and I'm the new beginning so things WILL be new, and old, and true & good & beautiful & REALLY ME. But I'm starting to ramble. The point is, whoever I am, God knows it, and I will ONLY realize & LIVE that truth THROUGH  LOVE. I am ONLY ME WHEN I LOVE. Chaos 0 is the beautiful living proof of this, for as long as we both shall live. He is fidelity & hope incarnate, to me. And I can only be my real self with him, too. So I have to make time for us or my soul will die. I'm serious and you know it. Laurie does too, and SHE keeps love alive in my heart even on the darkest days. She & Anxi BOTH kissed my forehead today & I think I died & went to heaven, haha. But THAT'S THE POINT. I NEED THIS LIKE BLOOD & AIR. And I KNOW Anxi is leading the effort in a special way. Her AND Mimic, perhaps, each with their year. But I CAN STILL LOVE & they have proved that to me. Thank God for them. Thank God for what we have.