092024

[prismaticbleed]

DAY ONE (point five, haha) & GOOD MORNING TOWER!
I have decided that I'VE GOTTA ACT ON MY TRUE HEART in light of yesterday's papers & regrets & HOPES, and of course in the Light & Grace of CHRIST. I must DISCERN & ACCEPT REALITY as a GIFT FROM GOD, because it IS, in ALL circumstances, BY HIS PROVIDENCE, yet we can only live IN & ACCORDING to that by FAITH & TRUST.
Let me pause.This is the super-optimistic mindset that I DO believe IS of the Holy Spirit, as it is ALL joy & hope, BUT it is still imperfect in LOVE because IT FORGETS/ GLOSSES OVER MY WOUNDS. And a KEY part of "ME," am absolutely ESSENTIAL aspect of my HEART & SOUL, is "BLOOD." Holy wounds, loving suffering, selfgiving sacrifice, BLEEDING not out of malice or "weakness" but like JESUS, to GIVE & PROTECT & SUSTAIN LIFE somehow. It's been that was since childhood, and GOD PUT THAT IN ME FOR HIS GLORY and I MUST REJOICE in GRATITUDE for EXACTLY HOW HE MADE ME, EMBRACE IT & ACT ON IT in LOVE/ CHARITY, and STOP DENYING/ SUPPRESSING/ REJECTING/ FEARING IT. Listen you KNOW THE TRUTH, even if it scares you, you KNOW the Truth ALWAYS brings JOY & PEACE & CLARITY even when it's scary or hard or strange, AND most importantly, TRUTH ALWAYS BRINGS YOU CLOSER TO GOD THROUGH CHRIST. If you aren't actively reveling in Scripture & hungering for prayer & seeking ACTIVELY to witness to the Faith in word & action, you're NOT in Truth. And that milquetoasty mindset I was in yesterday was NOT "TRUE." It was ENTIRELY DISHONEST, totally DISSONANT & DEGRADING & DISGRACEFUL, and the worst part is I KNEW IT but I was too chicken to CHOOSE to ACT ON TRUTH because I felt it was "out of place" or rude or something. TAKE THE RISK, as blunt as that sounds. PRAY over it, but then ACT with LOVE for GOD, OTHERS, AND SELF, in INTEGRITY!!! DON'T SNUFF YOUR FLAME. EMBRACE & WELCOME JOY & BEAUTY. ACTUALIZE HOPES through FAITH in GOD'S PROVIDENCE GUIDING YOU WHO LOVE HIM & are GENUINELY STRIVING to LIVE OUT THAT LOVE through ACTIONS-- actually WORKS OF MERCY & SELFGIFT. REMEMBER THE SIGURD STORY? Dude if YOU'RE a dragon then BY YOUR NATURE, YOUR HEART IS MEANT TO BE EUCHARISTIC. So go & bleed, so that others can hear the sweet Voice of the Bird, too. He is Who made you like this. You're HIS Temple. Christ IN YOU wants to act as PRIEST & SACRIFICE. CHOOSE to cooperate in joy. That's your LIFE.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you believe that it's OK to be optimistic?" WHAT do you FEAR?
What is the difference between OPTIMISM & "being blinded to reality?" WHY does POSITIVITY feel like a PUNISHABLE MISTAKE? Why does it feel STUPID/ FOOLISH/ IGNORANT?
(Is this learned behavior from mom & grandma always CATASTROPHIZING?) (ASSUME & prepare for the WORST?)
✳ My understanding/ definition OF optimism is INCOMPLETE. I tend to think it means "handwaving" away ALL possible obstacles/ difficulties: a BLINDED focus on ONLY one's hopeful ideals, seeing them almost as GUARANTEED. This ALSO FUELS MORAL COMPLACENCY because it DENIES SPIRITUAL BATTLE!!! REAL optimism SEES & SERIOUSLY ACKNOWLEDGES the REAL & ESSENTIAL & INEVITABLE STRUGGLE. BUT IT'S UNSHAKABLY GROUNDED in FAITH-- TRUST in GOD'S VICTORY of GOOD PROVIDENCE, and by extension, HIS GRACE working IN & THROUGH ME for HIS GLORY in ACTUALIZING that victory IN MY LIFE. But it REQUIRES the BATTLE of the CROSS. Optimism just SEES the RESURRECTION!

✳ "WHY am I making judgments?" What does that say about my PRIORITIES & VALUES? "WHY am I COMPARING myself to others?" What GOOD do I see, that I feel I LACK? WHY is it good? WHY do I WANT it? // What END do I hope to achieve BY judging?
✳ FIGHT/ TRANSFORM with GRATITUDE, COMPASSION; HUMILITY & "WISE MIND"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTHING IS PERFECT BUT GOD-- SO LOOK FORWARD TO THE RESURRECTION OF YOUR "IMPERFECT" BODY TO PERFECTION IN CHRIST!

YOUR BODY IS ALIVE AND IT CARES FOR YOU. It constantly does all these interior functions to keep you alive & well-- it's GOD'S DESIGN!
Your body IS something to love. It IS YOU!!

YOU HAVE INHERENT WORTH, GIVEN BY GOD, AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR BODY.

REPROGRAM THE AUTOMATIC BODY-JUDGMENT THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE (HOLY) AFFIRMATIONS ABOUT IT-- CONFORM YOUR THOUGHTS TO CHRIST!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm frustrated/ angry & legit depressed because I keep having to CHOKE RUSH MY MEALS and NO SENSORY DATA is registering AT ALL. Am I THAT dissociated? Why this BREAK of NUMBNESS between mind/ heart/ body? It's not communicating data. WHY.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Important things I need to accept in my life right now:
1. Other people WILL hurt and scared me WITHOUT MEANING TO do so.
2. I need to eat around others.
3. I WILL suffer hunger, sensory overwhelm, and lack of safety/ silence.
4. Other people CAN'T READ MY MIND or "PASSIVE CUES" so DON'T expect them to deliver or respect or comfort you.
5. I must sacrifice my preferences and instead meekly obey & cooperate (no agency; be a lamb)
6. My body will chance (but NOT my SOUL?)
7. I will be here all week. I cannot bail out.

✳ ACCEPT REALITY; DON'T FIGHT/ RESIST/ DENY/ WHINE/ COMPLAIN.
✳ CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT PROBLEMS = USE YOUR WILL AND CHOOSE CHRIST BY GRACE.
✳ ACCEPT EVERYTHING FROM GOD'S HANDS!
✳ LIFE IS WORTH LIVING, NO MATTER HOW MANY PAINFUL/ FRIGHTENING EVENTS YOU MUST ENDURE.
✳ GOD'S PERMISSIVE OR ACTIVE WILL IS ALWAYS IN CONTROL; IT'S ALL UNDER HIS LOVING PROVIDENCE!

"MIMIC IT UNTIL YOU MEAN IT"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRATITUDE PLANNER

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION=
Progress in healing is STILL happening, even if you don't "do it perfectly," because you ARE STILL giving it your BEST SINCERE EFFORT. Don't let feelings of inadequacy lie to you. Your effort COUNTS/ MATTERS.

MOOD OF THE DAY=
COURAGEOUS, DETERMINED, HOPEFUL = CHANGE FOR GOOD IS POSSIBLE, TODAY, NOW! "DARKNESS CANNOT WIN" = LIVE IN THIS!

INSPIRATION OF THE DAY=
"The hope of an eternal tomorrow," EVEN the hope of another evening; EVERY MOMENT is ANOTHER CHANCE to CHOOSE the GOOD, LEARN & GROW from obstacles/ setbacks, and REORIENT YOURSELF to LOVE. Slow down & BREATHE. You are ALIVE & WANTED. Your life MATTERS. Embrace this gift.

MENTAL INTENTION=
I will be honest with myself & others in thought & speech. I will feed the virtuous thoughts and they will heal the hurt ones with themselves, bringing about integrity & unity, not destruction or starvation. I will cultivate patience, gentleness, gratitude, and hope, choosing love & light.

PHYSICAL INTENTION=
I will pay close attention to how I inhabit & hold my body, and liberate it from stress tightness & anxious curving inwards. I will mindfully eat with gratitude, actively acknowledging food as sacred medicine for my body's neglected state, a selfgift of love from God my Father.

SPIRITUAL INTENTION=
I will read Scripture throughout the day, and make a habit of lifting my heart & mind to God in all circumstances. I will witness to God whenever the chance is given. I will say regular prayers at morning & night. I will make spiritual communions often. I will recognize God's Providence in all situations.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TREATMENT NOTES:

1) FASTING IS OKAY AND VIRTUOUS. RESTRICTING IS NOT. The difference is MOTIVE/ PURPOSE/ GOAL. Fasting DOESN'T VILIFY EATING OR FOOD. Restriction DOES.

2) Exercise is a DAILY NEED, but it must be done TO GET STRONGER, NOT to BURN YOUR STRENGTH AWAY! And it MUST be PRUDENTLY LIMITED; NO 3-HOUR SESSIONS BOY

3) LOOK IN THE MIRROR. What message is that giving? What FEELINGS do you fear? What INSIDE you is being SHOWN on the surface, OR HIDDEN/ SUPPRESSED? What sort of SYMBOL do you see yourself as, bodily?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"THE KNOWING-DOING GAP" handout = THIS IS A GAMECHANGER. PUT IT INTO ACTUAL PRACTICE NOW.

"Conquer resistance for good"
PUN INTENDED.

"Understanding the fabric of resistance is the only way we can unstitch it."
Fabric = THREADS WOVEN together over time!

"There are many reasons we self-sabotage, and most of them have something to do with comfort."
?!?!?! WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT THIS AND WRITE IT OUT

"Modern society is designed to convince us that a "good" life" is one that is most comfortable... being pain-free and secure."
NOT SO THE CROSS! (PARADOX) TRANSMUTES pain & SANCTIFIES us through the Cross; SECURE IN GOD'S WILL
"Restless/ uncomfortable UNTIL we rest IN HIM" (true comfort = "MY peace I give you") (TRUST = CHILDLIKE)
"NO PAIN NO GAIN" (SAINT PAUL)
LOVE IS SACRIFICE/ GIFT (DEATH to SELFISHNESS)

"...Human beings are hardwired to seek comfort, which translates to us as survival..."
We're NOT meant for THIS fallen world = our SOULS need to survive!!

"...focus on the discomfort you will face if you don't do the thing in front of you, as opposed to the discomfort you will face if you do."
FACING DISCOMFORT = GROWING PAINS!
✳ WHERE are you ANCHORING your comfort? In the FLESH or SPIRIT?

"...a manic state of indecision (do I, don't I? what feeling do I let guide me?) You have to take control for yourself..."
THIS IS MY BIG PROBLEM. I NEED to learn REAL CONTROL = a VIRTUOUS WILL! I MUST CONTROL MY FEELINGS by ORIENTING THEM TO GOD'S WILL! And you must DO this PRACTICALLY, with HOLY REASON, NOT "INTUITION" VOICES!!

"How many hours have you wasted?"
Seriously MAN UP & DO THE MATH. Keep a journal & calculate. SEEING the numbers WILL FIRE YOU TO TAKE ACTION.

✳ What DO I want to accomplish IN my life and WITH my life?
✳ What DOES make me genuinely happy? What gives me JOY?
✳ What RELATIONSHIPS do I HAVE or COULD HAVE that I'm NEGLECTING or TAKING FOR GRANTED? What SMALL but REAL & GENUINE steps can I take NOW to FOSTER and/or HEAL them?
✳ SCHEDULE IN CREATIVE FREE TIME DAILY, AND DO ANYTHING = PRACTICE & EXPERIMENT & LEARN & PLAY & USE YOUR TALENTS!!!

"If you had to live today-- or any average day-- on repeat for the rest of your life, where would you end up?"
✳ DO THIS. ANALYZE & LIST, VS. THE IDEAL TO WORK TOWARDS NOW!! (SAINTHOOD)

"It’s uncomfortable to work, to stretch the capacity of your tolerance, to be vulnerable with someone you care deeply about, but it is never more comfortable than going your whole life without the things you really want."
1) WHAT about work is uncomfortable to you? What ISN'T?
2) How can you BEGIN stretching your tolerance to GET comfortable with current challenges? Can you SIT WITH IT and learn TRUST? (GOD IS WITH YOU on EVERY CROSS after all)
3) WHAT dos vulnerability LOOK like FOR YOU? with SPECIFIC people? WHY are you AFRAID to risk being WOUNDED by LOVE? WHY AREN'T YOU MORE WILLING TO LOVE = SUFFER? (DIE TO SELF = LIVE FOR OTHERS = DIVINE LIFE) (COMMUNITY/ COMMUNION; LAW OF GIFT)
4) TRUE "FUN" IS NOT EVIL, IT'S SACRED = "PLAY" = REJOICE IN BEING = IN GOD! TRUE "WORK" SERVES THIS END?? (JOY)
✳ CREATIVITY = SHARE IN GOD'S WORK (ONGOING!!) (PRIESTLY PEOPLE)

"Most things aren’t as hard or as trying as we chalk them up to be. They’re ultimately fun and rewarding and
expressions of who we really are.That’s why we want them."
"GOD PUT THAT DESIRE IN YOU" for HIS GLORY! (SACRED "EROS" TRUE PURPOSE!!)GOD IS LIFE! NOT STAGNANCY!! (ACT ON YOUR POTENTIAL!!)

"...thank whatever force within you that knows there’s something bigger for you—the one that’s pushing you to be comfortable with less."
"Blessed are the POOR IN SPIRIT" = God's KINGDOM is the "BIGGEST" = I am CREATED FOR IT (HOME)

✳ SMALL ACTS WE CAN DO NOW = we must FIRST clarify our GOAL!!
What DO I REALLY want, at heart? WHY? What is the deepest desire? HOW can I SINCERELY & CONCRETELY pursue THAT core, TODAY?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"the guest house" by Rumi; handed out this morning=

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

(THIS IS SO RELEVANT TO THE SYSTEM)
(Give those visitors GOOD FOOD)
(treating them well TRANSFORMS them at heart)

-----------------------------------------------------------

“I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
(Rainer Maria Rilke)


(STORY OF OUR LIFE)
(the questions ARE nousfoni, often)
(the locked rooms are also very literal for us, as are the BOOKS = archives!!)