the spectrum heart cathedral system

1002 mon 11:08 pm

went to the bank.
reading "do androids dream of electric sheep"
oliver worked.
couldn't stay awake, too depressed and tired.
went to bed at like 2am?

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1003 tues 11:08 pm

BULIMIA MIRRORS SEXUAL TRAUMA= ONLY SAFE AFTER THE INITIAL SURGE HACK IS OVER!!! THIS IS WHY WE FEEL FEARFULLY OBLIGATED TO PURGE THE FIRST THINGS WE EAT!

"bulimia mirrors sexual trauma" note. what triggered this??

oliver worked.
stayed up all night archiving 2011.
finished going through spotify!

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1004 wed 11:08 pm

jimmy johns. sandwiches. always enjoy them.
iscah fronted! ate all the cheese, no fear at all. god bless her

went to "the last word" bookstore. AWESOME.
saw deltora quest, animorphs, serendipity books, etc.
they also had sonic colors and sonic:tdb for ds. strongly considered getting them.
bought childhood fave vhs tapes, and a happiness journal

watched "faraway so close". HUGE impact on us.
"why can't i be good"
infi ghosting and cofronting to watch it; actually fronted at one point while we were eating and ended up eating a mushroom. hilariously shamelessly fitting that THAT'S the first earth-food ze's had. (eating hearts doesn't count; ze already does that upstairs) ze didn't mind, thought it was an incredibly interesting experience.

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1005 thurs 07:53 pm

"Healing is a conscious effort."

#quote #this is hugely important #system healing #nothing truly good comes into our lives without pain #but pain too can be sweet #death too can be sweet #and true healing requires both #actively and consciously #we adore this aspect of our collective life #to be conscious of something makes it real #and that can be utterly terrifying #but once it is real you can touch it #and to touch is to brush life against life #revealing wordless doubtless truth #this is what we live for



07:57 pm

"For all the universes there are, this one was not enough, not for now, not for us. Somewhere in another, though. We are softer, we are kinder. To our skin, to each other."

-In that there that isn’t here, I allow myself to love you

#oh #this makes my heart ache in the way that matters #poetry #hope #for all our damaged fronters #and for all the other social rooted alters who think they own the place #our universe perpetually embraces yours #and our doors are forever open #come meet us #come join us #this is a softer loving reality and you are welcome here #let yourselves let go of the pain of that old universe #and fall gratefully into the arms of ours


11:08 pm

watching the food show while cooking and cleaning. oddly soothing bkg noise.
trauma dumping after seeing the pure beauty of japan winter woodlands.
jewel SOBBING. "wild thing" feelings. beast among men. unicorns.
needed to go to the park or something, just be outside.
band practice.
someone stole a lot of KND bars, and condiments.
got home, ate them all, got AWFULLY sick.
watched Dogma.
stayed up late?

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1006 fri 11:08 pm

hack nightmares. felt horrible upon waking. totally disconnected from sense of self.
grocery run in the morning. felt awfully guilty?
thought food from last night was spoiled but it was actually bad hot sauce taste
ended up throwing it all out anyway. got really mad and depressed over it.
went picking pumpkins!
oliver made dinner. it was amazing. 
MASSIVE toxic fallout when we tried to eat bread.
someone tried to RUN AWAY and ollie stopped us on the porch.

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1007 sat 11:12 pm

went out with ollie today.

stopped at asian market. got a final moon cake, red bean buns. also matcha kitkats and seaweed and gingermints. also a kabocha squash! gotta let corvo actually eat some this time.

went uptown!
EVERYTHING WAS FOGGY AND AUTUMNY IT WAS HEAVEN. felt like our heart. like central city. utterly beloved.
kyo color taxi, kris/laurie umbrella pose, blue-realm lights, fancy bakery with macarons and suit dude, filigree chairs, trombone/drums street performers, lynne's "all star" joke, fashionable pretty people and tiny disney princesses everywhere.

stopped at a sushi place. talked to OWEN! felt his color immediately. like heavy smoke. soft but so dark.

the graveyard.
talking about sky burials and reincarnation. felt so alive among all the death. deeply happy oddly.
kissed right there on the sidewalk, felt like the most joyously-paradoxically fitting thing in the world

heavily panicky and dissociated on the ride home? why?
i vaguely remember someone eating the redbean buns but i dont know who. i know jewel Tried to but was pushed out. not healthy behavior at all.

cannot remember a thing once we got home. i think it was a rough night. have to ask oliver.
i'm so sad that we've been so off kilter and full of guilt/shame lately. why?
i guess it's at least something to learn from. heal from. grow. be better.

i know we went to bed early too.
good mood though. everything is always perfect at the end of the day. we never go to bed sad or upset. its impossible, being there with oliver and mason, everyone sleeping in the moonlight, warm and safe and quiet and worth everything it took to be here now.

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1009 mon 11:59 pm

oliver worked.

didnt sleep? went to food lion.
TRIED a few "new" foods for possible future use. no can do.
energy bars, pumpkin oatmeal, nuts.
and you know what? that's all LUXURY FOOD. it SHOULDNT be a staple in our diet anyway!!

woke up super late.
talked LEAGUEWORLDS!!

we made way too much rice & vegs, remember? BUT we tried super hard to eat them safely and succeeded almost flawlessly.
sitting and munching on seaweed and just letting our brain think about leagueworlds.

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1010 tues 11:59 pm

INFI FINALLY FRONTED in the morning. it's been too long.
oskar kissed me.
wanting to kiss EVERYONE in their system. imagining that. in tears.

flawless breakfast. thank god.

went to amelies.
spiced cherry & smores macarons, autumn spice tea.
talked to oskar!!
lynne fronted for MOST of the time.
tons of color realm brainstorming. do our hues adhere to the dream world trio format???
harbor blue vibes at dusk? scary time. but CORVO IS OK WITH IT
made the mistake of buying desserts to take home. can't eat in the car or it becomes panic.

mason made food for ollie, we accidentally ate it, huge guilt response
made more for mason, he said it was delicious

aywas night. too exhausted mentally to do much else.
also tumblr reblogs! went through our drafts. good stuff.
taking that push to do things even when tired (like typing now) ALWAYS pays off.

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1011 wed 

12:03 am

#sky realms #aqua-sky intersection #realm intersections #sky-underground intersection #i'm wondering if ALL the color realms open into the underground at some point? #THAT'S an interesting thought


12:05 am

"Which of my feelings are real? Which of the me’s is me?"

In one way or another, any and all of them are. The potential is ever-present, ever-realized in that paradox of choice.


12:07 am

#heartspace #the earliest jewel-cores always create places like this #verdant and limitless and wild and beautiful #completely empty of people #green #rain #trees


12:11 am

"Excerpt from a book I’m currently reading, from a chapter on the very serious art of necromancy. "and sure, you could probably pursue success without a skeleton army, but where is the fun in that?""

#lime jewelcore #oh heavens this is 100% her #injokes #undead whistling boneless chickens #ironically #she says their skeletons are a separate army #welp #now she's thinking #what have we done


12:13 am

"life is suffering. it is hard. the world is cursed. but still, you find reasons to keep living."

#sheer love-driven determination #because we don't ever give up on each other #life is so worth living #in and of itself #suffering and all #after all look at what we were born from #the simple fact of our existences transmutes that very alleged curse into the deepest blessing #and that alone is reason to cherish this life we have no matter what #princess mononoke


12:18 am


#gif #cannon #before she splintered #notably those utility blades good lord #we can still FEEL this person in memory #but that feeling is hopelessly fractured #it's obvious that that person is not a single person anymore #nge #this episode haunts us to this day


12:40 am

"It’s quite an undertaking to start loving somebody. You have to have energy, generosity, blindness. There is even a moment right at the start where you have to jump across an abyss: if you think about it you don’t do it."

#quote #love #this is so important #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #jump #we will catch you #and we need to jump too #everyone just jump for heavens sakes or we'll never learn to fly


12:47 am

“He often weeps because he can’t find the strength to love beyond fear.”

#quote #for all our isolating socials #for all our damaged fronters #oh you precious things #you have the strength #if you keep looking for it thinking it is a lost thing it will remain so #take a deep breath and try your d***dest to just BE strong #even for a millisecond #i guarantee you #you will #if only for a millisecond #but that is enough #mustard seeds are still seeds #and virtue is not measured as such #it is as it is #and if you have it #you have it #tiny or not it is an infinite thing #and you do have it #i can feel it in you #i have faith in you #the size of the entire sky #the same sky held in your own heart #and nestled in that tiny seed #i promise you this #one day soon your weeping will be from profound relieved joy #believe this with all the hope you can muster #and i swear to you #every one of us will help you make it a reality #and remember


12:48 am

“Song will take us by the hand And lead us back to light.”

#quote #music #when in doubt turn on spotify #honestly music is profoundly vital to us #it facilitates healing and shatters deadzones #and of course there's that terrible beautiful truth #if you want to fall in love with someone just set them to music #no matter how dark life may get #song will indeed lead us right back to the light #instantly and honestly #we know this #please utilize it

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1011 love 03:08 am

(remembering the first night oliver kissed us. how we wouldnt even admit we were in love, as we couldnt recognize the feeling, and were terrified to even consider the possibility in any case.
now when he kisses us it feels like our mouths fit together. it's the strangest loveliest feeling. everything is effortless and full of such deep soft heavy true simple aching beautiful love.

infi keeps thinking about what their mouth tastes like. how i like it too. how we always have, for everyone, since childhood. how our family shamed us heavily for wanting to kiss people. to touch tongues. to touch at all. to feel heartbeats beneath our fingertips. to hear them, centimeters away from our lips. and all of it staggeringly pure and innocent and aching and ardently knee-shakingly significant even then. childhood desire. what a paradox. what truth. it defines us even now.

how our favorite thing in the world right now is staying up all night until we feel exhausted and hazy and swept up like leaves in the autumn wind, dusk-dawn hues washed over and within our seafaring ribs, as the sun rises and the air brightens... just so we can crawl into bed, with them. safe under simple black and mint covers, with light pouring in slowly behind our heads, wrapped up in their soft warm complete blissful body. hearing them breathe. the scent of their skin. the feeling of their heartbeat against our own. the trust, the silence, the joy. it's the most perfect feeling we can imagine.)




phone notes from today =

Creativity= no expected audience? "Waste of time;" stop own progress
"No mirrors;" no self awareness? Depression.

Missy & the stim jar
What is Bridget doing lately??

Kyanos' halo is braided DRIFTWOOD?
OLIVE BRANCHES??
It's Sterling silver and horizontal?
Zwei= was she a pseudo core??

ATLAS daemon name?? 

SPICED CHERRY, CINNAMON APPLE TEA= HEALTHY VERMILION!!!!

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101217 06:40 pm

Hey kids, Laurie Uberich here. Got shoved out to front in solidarity with Kristanova here, as today's one hell of an "anniversary" date for us both. Kinda the opposite of a birthday.

Not sure how long it's been for him, but... for me, it's been 7 years since I... got this particular scar across my larynx. Seven entire fucking years. God damn.

Tell you what, though. As hellish as the memory is, the fact and reason why I survived is not. And that's what I've really gotta focus on today. That's the reason why I still wear this scar with fiercely aware gratitude. I'm alive because love is stronger than death.

Cheesy? Maybe, but who cares. The truth doesn't care about that. Neither so I. What matters is that it's true, and I'll defend that truth with every breath and every heartbeat I've got left in this life. Hell, it's the least I can do in return. And really? I wouldn't have it any other way.

To our whole damn System, friends and freaks and foes and forlorn, every last one of you-- I fucking love you. With everything I've got in me. That'll never change.

Kris, again, not sure what your side of the story is, but I'll tell you one thing-- we are all seriously glad you're still around, too. Edges and all. We love you too, y'know. So do all of yours. And that's genuine love, man. No matter what, it ain't leavin', and neither are we. Don't forget that.

Here's to being alive.

-L.U.


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07:57 pm


#harbor blue realms #this is a TERRIFYING vibe for us #which is why we thank god that this color now exists in our spectrum #that means that now it can he healed #now it can be loved for exactly what it is #system healing #harbor blue #color realms #realm vibes



1012 thurs 11:59 pm

band day.

picked up mason

someone stole mints and energy bars from the school again. that bleached white kid who can't understand that it BELONGS TO OTHER PEOPLE.
that person is working in scavenger mode, trying not to "starve," AND trying to "feel like part of humanity" by touching peoples lives in this way. in passing, unseen and unheard and undetected. but desperate to feel included.

went to jack in the box all together, actually ate a FULL MEAL and wasnt scared or anything. it was wonderful.

purposely unloaded the mints in front of ollie. wanted to get caught.
confessed EVERYTHING.
i cannot remember the conversation at all. i dont know who spoke, or about what.
but oliver said it was terrifying, how suicidal and depressed and numb and blind they were

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101317 fri 11:59 pm

josephina's BIRTHDAY!! i know he fronted in the morning, when we were in bed. talked to oliver.

wore his outfit today! sequin skull top, skull flower shorts, bokeh leggings, yellow shades. only thing missing were his trademark jingle bell earrings because we don't own any.
also found and wore our beloved gold FISH NECKLACE from christmas about 15 years ago, if not more. i remember it was in a tiny box at the bottom of our stocking, when we were standing next to the tree (which was where ranndall's desk is now). it's also one of the ONLY actual "christmas present" memories we have at all, which is bizarre as we ADORE that holiday, but which makes sense because our mother always made christmas day a scripted filmed performance, and that = instant heavy dissociation and toxic socializing. ah well. can't complain. we had boss trees and we got some good presents over the years, like that necklace!
honestly we love that little fishy fish. we're going to wear him all the time now.

went to the witchy shop!
candles, altars, bat skeletons, gemstones, candles, oils, tarot decks, skulls, ouija boards, taxidermied butterflies, skulls made of sugar, the HEART VASE, etc. amazing place.
rio was out for a bit! totally enamored. "why didnt you call me out here sooner!" not mad, just wanted to see more of the place. we'll definitely go back one day, let him have a grand old time with his daemon. (it's a date)
left our old unicorn-bookmark ribbon on the community altar for sister symphorose. very significant gift-sacrifice. felt right.
we bought a "motivation" candle that was almost knife's color and smelled like me. same kind they sell at e.n., but a massively larger selection. good stuff.
oliver was showing us gemstones that had relevance to their system, like smoky quartz for owen. one of them was trolley resonant? i forget which, i apologize. and of course ollie himself resonates with labradorite, that gorgeous iridescent stone. i love that.

also went to the nearby game store, THEY HAVE VIRTUAL ON!!!!! also NiGHTS and the baten kaitos sequel and zone of enders and MEWTWO PLUSHIES. gosh it was awesome. games are so good.
also we adore watching and listening to oliver talk about games, especially n64 stuff as we never had one but it's his fave. man we just love being a part of his life now in every way.

the DOOR TO NOWHERE!
seriously we went walking past the game store and there was this storefront with blacked out windows, but when we walked around behind it there was NOTHING. just an empty lot, nothing but grass, and that door. we walked across it and walked through the door back out onto the sidewalk. it felt utterly unreal, like legit headspace. the grass under our feet felt like a dream, like dreams do for us-- wide awake and more real than the waking. it was amazing.
i know jewel fronted almost instinctively as soon as we set foot in that lot. that's her element, after all. endless adventure and wandering. the great infinitely undiscovered world. that's her, always.

did we stop somewhere to eat today? i can't recall. i don't remember eating at all today but i know we did.

anyway we set up the porch altar when we got home! it's gorgeous. we put our musical spheres on it, plus our catholic-pagan things, aha. blessed oil and impossible frankincense and studded crosses and legit thurible incense & myrrh. also some headspace things, like infinitii's salt bubble necklace, chaos' 2011 heart charm, the nosebleed bell, cupid's heart earring, etc. also our christmas candles even though it's almost samhain. it just feels fantastic. i love the whole concept of altars; we miss having one too. oliver lit a blue candle for opening (kyanos vibes!) and we burnt some holy wood, which smells divine. 

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1014 sat 12:09 pm

Morning talk
Triple, overload, Josh, blue girl!! unicorn!
Wild thing feeling. Running, woods, can't be games. Ripping off masks. Boyle party comparison. JEWEL CORES
"Who are you, alone? Then BE THAT"
"Not a stuffed animal." CORE DEATH= TOO WHITE!! no teeth or edges. NEED RED/BLACK.
plural vs single. Jayce chokehold. "PLURAL" CORE SHIFT?? everyone, not just one!
Cores vs frontrunners.
Unmet needs? PA vs here. Not belonging there. MAKE A LIST.
reclaiming the words: monster, beast, animal. 


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1017 tues 07:47 pm

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty – that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

#quote #truth #beauty #system healing #the definition of beauty is such a fascinating topic #its reality is purely intuitive and unquestionable #and thats why we love it #beauty and horror #are not mutually exclusive #we need to type about this


11:59 pm

Absolutely perfect day, God bless.
went to the sprint store, changed our phone number last night and apparently the phone needed to be reset before it would work.
dead gray fox on the side of the road.
2hr salad, while watching The good place. we LOVE that show.
Biscuits! best dinner we've had in AGES, because we all made it together and ate it together. bliss.
Tumblr on our phone. oliver asleep against our legs while mason played the ps4. so in love.
Anatomy coloring book, learning a lot. deep sheer joy at understanding our body more.


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1018 wed =  11:59 pm

Pop tarts. good breakfast, then tried too hard and messed up badly.
really it was all motivated by GUILT. the pop tarts were for mason but "they MADE us eat so many pop tarts at umpc so we HAVE TO keep eating them!!" felt awful about it but "no choice." that is such a toxic mindset, it needs to stop

don't remember the rest of the day


phone note=
COLOR ASSOCIATIONS
Music, flowers, smells, textures, bugs, animals, tastes, styles, etc.



101817 dream

Time travel? Dead. Games in rafters. Flying.
Chelsea, blue? "beacon boy" alter. On diamew hill, talking to her w/ ollie
Watching play/musical in yard? Wolf deer cat bear thing.
Tv musical w/ grandpa, used a digital contraption to get special channel with it. Us trying to find it on spotify. M title, 2 words.
CHIDI and my lotus necklace, Seemed evasively suspicious of the charm? "Dark." Obviously unspoken indication he had spoken to INFI about it, didn't know what to make of it.
I asked "did ze flirt with you"
Confusedly flustered reply of "yes"


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101917 thurs  11:59 pm

Watched season 2 of the good place! amazing so far.
Massive salad.

Band.
Ahrima attempted to steal BUT the rest of us PROMISED we'd stop him. so we did. immediately evaluated motives; shocked to realize that we didn't actually want to steal!! just an old compulsion, miserable.
Massive panic-gratitude reaction.

Problem eating at home? Almost no memory.
we only remember listening to Ollie talk about the owls. treasured that.

Trauma dumping. About what?
Bed at 3. Very happy. 


phone note =

To help stabilize!
can't front, name hazy, faceless, etc.

• Kyanos
• Eros
• Amara

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102017 fri =10:16 pm

trauma dumping in the morning. told ollie ALL the SLC stuff we had buried for years.

picked up mason, went shopping at target. good candles.
got sushi. ate tons of broccoli, tried everything.
stopped at harris teeter, got toothpaste and some vegetables. also a cookie for the kids.

Home, fixing phone. Roms.
Tried cooking dinner, blackouts. Panic attacks.
Got VERY sick.

Watching no man's sky. Resting. brain couldnt do anything but watch, no spoons at all. but we adore watching oliver play that game, it was good.

went out on the porch for a while together. barely conscious. i know there was a lot of pain, not sure who fronted or talked? but it ended on good terms. always does. we love them too much. same with ourselves. ultimately, always.

in bed, infi and i there, too tired to full front though.
oliver said something about "i'm still haunted" and infi just flooded with love. 



phone notes= 

• Yume nikki 0917

RAZOR & INFI CONNECTION????
• Both broke off Cores
• Red & black
• RAZOR TORE HIR OUT

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102117  07:41 pm

aisophiel
brown-haired "angel" evidencing when we look in the mirror. obvious "jayce bloodline" fronter fix attempt?
name immediate. overlay solid, but gauzy. could easily demanifest or solidify, depending on whether or not his anchor solidifies enough during this "embryonic" state.
but he's surprisingly aware even so. keep an eye on him, dont let anyone fade out due to neglect

anteros/ asteros?
"god of requited love" vs star-based similar term? also apparently this dude
possible core names. not sure. neither really "click" to the heart but they are still resonant.


090608 cherie died. keep the date, revere it every year

AHRIMA is the current "blind white" fronter!
REMEMBER THE UDNERGROUNDERS COMMENTARY ON THE INFLUTUSA JOURNAL
we havent re-read that entry in Years and it's about time we did

★ ORIGINAL JAYCE/INFLUTUSA BLOODLINE RESEARCH?????

JAY CORES =
GOLD/ WHITE/ RED CORE COLOR SCHEME?
HAIR VS SKIN VS EYES, ETC.

FROSTED GLASS???
CHRISTMAS GLOW VIBE??


+ "at soup" injoke today
(walking through store, dissociated hard in soup aisle-- too much data. so many cans. laurie shows up, baffled but concerned; "kid are you ok")

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102117 sat  11:59 pm

morning name research.
put old passwords in computer.
shopping. walmart. awfully overwhelming, flashbacky. got produce though.
breakfast was flawless again, thank god.
just barely though? someone tried too hard? feeling like we ate something problematic. minor though.

showing oliver old sketchbook pages, photos.

tried to eat dinner, got horrifically sick. crushing nausea and stomach pain. ended up throwing up, miserable.

listening to old infi's theme ideas, and singing files.
uploading archives.

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102317 mon  10:53 pm

morning in bed,
talking to kris and kyo.

INSANE switching. feeling just how many frontrunners we have, most of them white.
feeling out the subtle vibe shifts, name variances, color harmonies.

trip to food lion and the library.

THUNDERSTORM.
elucidae creeping about again! good. glad he's sticking around, we need him.

baten kaitos!

biscuits for dinner. super good.

miserable, unfortunate binge.
someone tried to make grits/rice/eggs/livermush, but then added beans and we got REALLY sick.

awful depression all night? probably because we "messed up although we tried very hard"
that or eating flour.

took a night off though. just browsed tumblr. it helped a LOT.



phone notes =

WE NO LONGER HAVE "ONE MAIN PERSON" !!!
EVERYBODY RUNS THIS LIFE, NOT JUST THE ASSUMED CORE!

WHITE NAMES=
Adakias
Snowfall
Iridos
Ahrima?
Jayce/ Pinstripe?

PLUS GOLD=
Parahelion

PLUS RED=
Cupid?

PLUS RED & GOLD=
Poinsettia?
Anteros



SPINE IS HUGELY IMPORTANT AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN. GIVE HER MORE LOVE & ATTENTION!!

+"PSEUDO DAEMONS"???
+HEADSPACE SPECIES??
+DEIFIC THINGS, DIVINITY IN GENERAL??
+INNERWORLDBUILDING LIKE HIRAETH!!
+NAME OUR INNER WORLD
+LOTUS=COLLECTIVE HEART

CONTEXT TRANSITIONS
Day to night = outer to inner
Instant with technology.
BLUE???

How to ease transition; prevent jarring mismatch? Day during night dissonance

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102517 wed   11:59 pm

woke up super late?

went out for sushi with ollie.
quick shopping trip to food lion as we're super low on groceries until the weekend.

don't remember much of today at all, we apologize.


phone notes =


Touching lives. Gold feeling.
Earl grey tea & white chocolate

Jessica bloodline
Iolite & ahrima took the phone call



"HEARTHFIRE"

HEARTSPACE= BOSCOVS LOBBY DOORS
INFINITE WHITE SPACE 2003???
UNDEFINED HOLODECK
LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BUT ONLY WITH A HEART TO REALIZE IT

BLACKSPACE PARALLEL??????

BASILICA & CATHEDRAL REVISITS!!!!
OASIS ROOM?? RAZOR SPIRE?? ETC.??
LEAGUELINK ROOM???

HEARTSPACE VS FLOATSPACE

LEON'S CATHEDRALS????????
WHY IS HE TIED TO HOLY BUILDINGS???
INDIGO POSSIBLE HUGE UNREALIZED RELEVANCE

LEAGUE + HEADSPACE COLOR MEANINGS, OVERLAP?
NAME FOR HEADSPACE!!!!!
PLANET FEELINGS; ALSO DW & COLOR REALMS
CENTRAL SKY VS DW SKY??????

THERE ARE HUGE OVERLOOKED PARALLELS BETWEEN HEADSPACE AND THE DREAM WORLD IN TERMS OF FUNCTION AND PURPOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!


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102617 sun  11:59 pm

terrifically sick in the morning, i remember.
we were so sad because we wanted this to be a church morning but our body was a mess.

virtually NO memory of this day at all



phone notes =

Nebula caves
Organ parallel areas BODY MAP

VERMILION REALMS???? FIRE???
BEETLES????

"PLANE OUT OF PHASE"
Vale of Shadows???
"Cast shadow walk"
Unicorns and druids? DND

PAPER PLATE HOLEPUNCH GATE

Rio's Ouija wall
My "moose" wall, too + BOYS & BUNNY????

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102717 fri  11:59 pm

today ollie got CASH MONEY.
we made it. thank god. it was a tough two weeks but by golly what a weird blessing it was.
learning to trust. learning to be honest and open with fears and hopes and struggles and failings. being brave and admitting our faults and striving to be better. having a concrete REASON to get better. learning to love more.
our socials are learning empathy now. our socials are learning to relax into love now. we were forced to stop being obsessively fearfully "self-sufficient" and now we're softer and more caring and gosh. who would've thought that a sudden stint of poverty in a LOVING HOME could cause more gratitude than fear?
but we made it. now we have money again, and we can use it prudently and lovingly now. what a blessing.

breakfast was eggs on those little dinner rolls we got from the food pantry and OH MAN. it was wonderfully delicious, we really enjoyed it.

more stranger things. started season 2!

ollie went to dress rehearsal alone.
we planned to do leagueworld work but then someone PANICKED over the canned food and destroyed it all.
so much of it was flat-out trauma trigger stuff. we completely blackout binged as far as i can see. just treating ourself as badly as we would have back in PA. feeling obligated to repeat the pattern. terrified and miserable but feeling stuck.
collards, corn, beans, pintos, tomato soup. the smell of it immediately triggered panic dissociation. we instantly forgot where we were. it felt like a war zone. like dusty yellow death. i cannot remember anything

dear god. we are so sorry. why cant we seem to help this.

but we survived. we stopped and we went straight to the computer and thank god, it's over, it's over.
remember how some nights in PA we'd abuse ourself for up to 10 hours?? vomiting until our nose bled and our legs bled and the room spun and dipped and we couldn't breathe or walk or speak? i do. just barely. but it's enough.
guess what? that's over, forever. it's OVER.
today was rough, true, but we didn't lose ourself. we knew we wanted to stop, we recognized WHY we were struggling, and we stopped, and we now know. we learned. even if it was hell. we were allowed to leave hell, once we recognize we were in it, once we decided we didn't want to be in it, once we believed we didn't deserve to be stuck there, once we found the heart-guts to forgive ourselves out of it and start walking back to heaven instead.
what a blessing. what a blessing to be here, no matter what.



phone notes =

Time flies when you're in Love

TRICKSTER FIGURES
TRICKSTER POKEMON
SACRED CLOWNS
COURT JESTERS
BARDS
CHAOS THEORY?
LOKI

BLOODLINES=

JEWEL
Spinny???
Jessica
Cannon + INFLUTUSA???
Jayce
Jay?

WORK ON HEADSPACE JARGON/ CONCEPT FILE

SOCIAL LEVEL FUNCTION DIFFS
"INSIDE SOCIALS" VS "TALKERS"???

BLUE & GREEN RELEVANCE
CENTRE FOREST, SEED/FLOWER?!?!????
WTF UNIVERSE

HEART MONITOR (PHONE FEELINGS)

INCORPORATING THAT CHILDHOOD SACREDNESS INTO HEADSPACE

NAME HEADSPACE
NEW WORDS FOR SYSTEMS?
VS SPECTRUM (S???)


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the end, the beginning = Oct. 29th, 2017 11:11 am



7 years ago today, we tried to end it all.

7 years ago today, we thought we were hopelessly lost.

Now, the doors to the future have been blown wide open.

Now, we have found a luminous road stretching on into infinite sunrises.

We are facing what truly lies beyond.

And this is eternally worth living for.


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geometric law and fluidity = 103017 12:06 am


"someone asked me to draw my entire angel headcanon really fast i don’t thINK THIS WORKED?? #i had a dream that ended in the words ‘We are geometric law and fluidity in one’ and it became my inspo #six wings one head long flowy robe and however many hands needed #fabric like nebulas and translucent /sphere/ halo so it’s a perf circle no matter where you look from #light it like molotov cocktail and boom angel from the book of amanda"
Of all the posts to survive from our old blog, I am joyously grateful that it’s this one. To this day, this is THE closest representation to how I feel at my core.
#jay's post #angels #oh my heart #honestly this is almost EXACTLY what my true overlay feels like #angelic and strange and tons of fire and feathers and flare #geometric law and fluidity in one #i adore this #this makes me want to weep from joy #trueforms #cores



07:06 am

"hey, i hope it's okay, but i read your dreamwidth and i had a question for you. what is the kinsara day? i don't think i've heard that word before. i think you're brave for writing out all of the grief you go through. thanks."

Ah, that was a reference to a day in 2012 when we met someone by that name. The entry written about it hasn’t been uploaded yet but it will be within the week.
In any case, of course it’s okay that you read our Dreamwidth; that’s why it’s online! And thank you deeply for the kind words. It’s tough to be brave some days, but we don’t give up on each other. That alone is all the courage we need.
You are always welcome. We hope our shared struggles and victories can help you in your own life, even in a little way.



11:24 pm

"sometimes, you just have to make it through the night. it'll be ok"

#to all our depressed socials #to all our trauma holders #to those of us still isolating themselves from love #hold on #hold on to our outstretched hands #let us hold you to our collective heart #itll be okay #we love you #there is always a sunrise #and we are here for you in every second until then #and every second after #youll make it through #you always have #you always do #we have faith in you #you are so much stronger than you realize #the night loves you too #let that soft shadow into your heart #befriend the darkness #and let fear be transmuted into love #undying hope #system healing #words

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103117 05:53 pm


The Valley of the Shadow of Death, John Martin

#DUDE WHAT EVEN #chthonic realms #THIS LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THEM #headspace locations




103117 tues   11:59 pm

SAMHAIN!

Morning phone call.

Crisis AVERTED!

flawless breakfast. On porch! Vegetables, some spicy rice. Lovely.

Browsing dishonored Tumblr, tea. Ollie sleeping on our legs.

Set up altar. Candles and incense and names to burn.

HALLOWEENING!!
Wore a suit and a rosary and a wing jacket and a HALO of led-drop wire lights. So good.
Got SO much candy it was hilarious and wonderful.
So many lives we met briefly, we love them.
Fire pit, jump girl, dog dude, orange woman, loom girl, drunk moms, thankyou lady, porch duo, etc. Dogs everywhere. Decorations and warm lights all about. It was so so good. Everything we ever dreamed of.

Stopping by the lake with Owen. He felt like that dark water, the ripples from unknown movement within. The dark beautiful terrible mystery and grace. Us feeling like the stars above, cold and burning and brilliant and gorgeously unknowable and yet so heartfelt familiar. Stoplights. Constellations. Reflected in that dark water.

Hearing OWLS!! what a sound!
Also the green streetlight photo. So nice.

eating candy and HEARTS.
SACRED, sacred, sacred.
Touching them in the sink and weeping. So holy and intimate I could barely breathe.
That soft spot over the left ventricle. The deep red tendonae within. That organ smell.
God it was divine.
And then we got to EAT ONE oh lord. The taste, the feeling. Utterly unforgettable. The most resonant thing in the world. Our body has never craved something so sincerely before, honestly.
Infi and I ate it together, blissed and shaking with reverence, bloodied water running down our arms, cardiac muscle in our shared teeth. The taste of life on our tongue. God.
The center if it, pinker and softer and so warm, hits Infi so hard it's unreal. Its a tangible inner sensory memory. It's daemon stuff. And of course I'm half holyjackal now so of course cardiophagy is even more of my thing now too. Both of us lost in it. Afterwards feeling like waking up from a lucid dream. Geez.
Two more left, perfect, we've got two more holy days to celebrate.

Altar prayers and ritual. Ollie and mason and us. Talking about life and death, the sacredness of it all. Deeply moving.
Burning banishing coins, set out dumb suppers. Everything felt so right and good and holy and precious.

Dragons, salad. Tumblr talk. Love and missing us.

Perfect, perfect, perfect day 


phone notes =

"If we're not alive, who's going to honor the dead?"
Fundamental misunderstanding of dead people-- they WERE PREVIOUSLY ALIVE!! They weren't always ghosts!

I seem to exist the most clearly at dawn and dusk. That's it.

Today I realized just how much I miss being outside. I need to go outside more; I miss that the most about SLC, I miss that the most about family vacations. Even if I was stressed, at least I could go outside and wander the streets and feel alive for once.
Here, I'm kind of stuck up in the woods. Yes, I adore it, but I can't just go walking through it anymore. Too many bears and ticks, unfortunately!
But… I'm looking through photos we have stockpiled for headspace/heartspace locations, and these two immediately gave me that beloved childhood "existential" feeling that I gauge my spiritual health by. I have memories that match it exactly-- the smell of night fog and flowers, of breathing trees, of twilight and rain and quiet. It's a smell that oddly means awakening to me, opening my inner eyes as the sun disappears into blue, existing once the rush of the sun has abated. But that feeling, that feeling I ONLY get outside, and usually when I'm far away from "home"… God I haven't felt it so long, but I recognized it like a man returning from war, with heartbreaking joy and sadness both. It's what I need right now. I need it. I really do.
What I really miss is the wandering. Just… it's a big part of why I love Dishonored, really. You can do just that, absolutely. I think that's where my personal timeline began, last autumn when we were either counting down to or recovering from surgery… maybe both. Dune and Dishonored. Everything was orange and warm and bright and then suddenly as we got to the end of the book, the end of the game, things became colder, twilight-colored, indigo and windy… winter rolled in and I don't remember it at all. Which is sad. But it's so weird, last autumn is so incredibly vivid. We've been switching so much otherwise… it's unfortunate, but having that one memory anchor, it means a lot.

I miss the beach. God I miss the beach, my heart hurts just thinking about it.
(Jewel) There's gotta be somewhere around here where I can swim. I need to be in the water. It's driving me crazy; every so often I get this overpowering need to just be underwater, and I/we haven't been able to meet that need in literal years. Which isn't cool.

(Jay) Lately I've been having big daydreams about what it would be like in the future, if we got our shit together and were able to live wherever, do whatever. Of course I always dream of living in the city, in some nice swanky place, within traveling distance of a coast. It's a reflection of headspace really. But I still love Gimmelwald, up in those green heights, vast and simple and gorgeous. I still love the woods up here too, as it is. I don't know where we'll end up living, but… I need the trees, and I need the sea. That will never change.

Japan, the view of Mount Fuji and the cherry trees, with red pagodas bright against it all, has been feeling very close to my heart too. Perhaps it's because we first "discovered" that country and its culture when we were about 12, 13… a really lovely time in our inner life. So the vibe of that place is very strongly attached to the adventurous peace of that time. It's Hoseki's home, it's half of heartspace, even if we've never been there.
I adore that country, everything about it. I still want to go there one day.
Julie has modeled the Pink Realms after it, I noticed. Japan at dawn. Everything pink and soft and holding that exact vibe I just mentioned… and lots of views like this; everything is up high, way above the sea.
Apparently the view is highest where it intersects with the Cerise Realms. Jeremiah and the kids requested that-- there's a big view of the valley up by the mall, about 10 minutes away from where we go to therapy, and every time we're up that way they ask to be able to just stop and look out at it. So Julie and Eros put a view like that in for them, which is really sweet, and beautiful too.
Nathaniel is taking inspiration from Japan too, what with the forest temples. He saw a picture of one and immediately told me the vibe was exact, so that was nice.
Leon also found a photo that matches the look/feel of the Indigo Realms perfectly, finally. He was really excited about that.
Laurie has put giant wisteria trees and lots of sky lanterns in the Violet Realms. She's also decided their "timeframe" is 1am-3am, that sort of late night/ early morning stillness. The sky is swimming with stars, it's gorgeous.
As for other timeframes, while I'm thinking of it... Pink=dawn, Indigo=dusk, Blue=early night (10pm), Violet=late night (2am), Sky=late morning, and I think Cerise=sunset? I also think Orange=early evening and Green=early afternoon. No idea on Yellow, Lime, or Aqua yet... but they feel like "day" places for the most part. Red and Brown are largely unstable yet so no clue there. Black/Gray/White feel different in general so I don't know if they're tied to time at all. We'll see.
Lastly, Waldorf and Kyanos have agreed that there is now a legit automotive bodyshop at the border between their Realms, which is hilariously adorable.

Dalton was out today for the job; he's getting more solid. But he was talking TO the Gent IN HEADSPACE for a minute?? Their colors are close and we just happened to have two cars in the shop today in those exact hues, right next to each other. So that resonance triggered a short meeting between those two fellows, apparently. It didn't last long as neither of them have strong enough roots but DUDE. The GMQs were FACELESS SOCIALS for years! So that's really cool, it means they aren't as dead as we feared. I'm really glad. I remember way back we said "no one ever really dies up here" and that's a mixed blessing but I'm very thankful for it nevertheless.
We've been teaching Dalton that the most important thing he can do is care. The Tar & Plague are both run by apathy in a sense-- cold hearts expressed at different extremes. They're both careless. We NEED to be the opposite. So we told Dalton, you MUST care. You must feel compassion and affection and interest and generosity and service. You must. It's the only thing that will allow YOU to survive and it is the only thing that will allow ANY of us to survive.


Speaking of both wisteria and newer people. One of the "brown-haired" alters that have pre-System but non-abusive roots picked a name today? "Neutra." As in "neutral," obviously. But she looks like the body did around age 13-14, except she has violet eyes. Which is interesting. Browns are odd because they're largely "non-Spectrum" for lack of a better term, so this thing with dual colors is intriguing. Perhaps that's NOT a sign of dissonance for some? Who knows, we'll find out. But yes, she picked a name, now we know how to refer to one more person.


Last.fm is throwing some good music recommendations at me.
D was listening to a band the other day, Aquilo, and we immediately fell in love with their stuff. It's incredible, both his style and his voice. "Better Off Without You" has been on loop in my head for days. So much of his stuff is relevant to Dream World, it really inspired me. Oh yeah, and thanks to D we also finally listened to Coldplay's X&Y album, 10 years later, ha. But I'm glad we waited, because the album is shockingly relevant to headspace. Hilariously, the only songs I don't really like are the only ones you ever hear on the radio. Go figure. That's typical though.
We're also really enjoying Dorian Concept's stuff. We discovered them years ago really but never listened to an actual album of theirs, and this is really neat.

I'm really feeling snow tonight, too. I miss it just as strongly as the beach, but differently.
…Ah. I think that's the difference. There's two of us. Me, who misses the snow and the ice and Christmas and peppermint and gold and who remembers that, who has winter etched into his very blood… and him, the other one with white hair, who misses the ocean and the water and the summer night air and the early city fog, who is tied to a totally different season and feeling than I am.
It's nice, to finally be able to put words to that feeling, to FEEL that difference, to have clarity between different core-parts. It really is nice. It's validating, for both of us.
Dare I say it-- the therapist will be proud, heheh.


Rosewindow-- the Leagueworld-- has been talking to me a lot lately. I have Spotify to thank for that; I found some very resonant songs for it (mostly by The Flower Kings and Cherry Ghost) and as a result, the plot is blooming again. I'm so excited, I adore this world so far, it's so vast and gorgeous and sad and amazing. Like a sunrise.
Event Horizon is FINALLY growing, too. That world's been on hold for years, it's awful. I felt bad, because it was actually stagnant-- I saw nowhere it could go, no idea what to do. But now it's moving again! Slowly but surely. I'm so glad.
LG*Girls is trying to move, but it has no solid plot yet and it has too many possibilities. It does bank on something else though so I'm ironing out the kinks and hopefully it'll snap into fit sometime soon.
vo!t@ge and Halcyon Days are both going through some big shifts, in terms of the state of their physical worlds. MASSIVE plot changes for the former, just as significant plot alterations for the latter. Also, again thanks to Spotify, it seems there's practically an entire genre of music that sounds like Haruka Nakamura (the sort of soft, early morning, guitar-over-piano, downtempo stuff) and we associate that style very strongly with Halcyon Days-- that, and Thomas Dolby-style 80s synths. It's an interesting soundtrack but I love it. Now if only I had the means to write the same stuff, haha. I will try.
Now if only I could get Puppetstrings to talk like this again. Those kids feel stuck all of a sudden too. But it doesn't feel locked-in; I'm sure if I just sit down and untangle it it'll start flowing again.
Oh yeah! Last thing-- Oneircia is starting, shyly but honestly, to tell me the MIDDLE of the story, at LONG LAST. Remember how I said I knew how that one began, and then how it ended? Well now everything between those two points is finally filling in. And it's NOT as melancholy as we erroneously assumed before. I'm sorry for that; someone previously painted their story with cynicism which is really the polar opposite of what the story is. So that’s a profound relief.


There was a lot of synchronicity today, it feels like. It's been like that lately, lots of little nudges in interesting directions, lots of triple numbers, lots of relevant song lyrics.
We were under a lot of stress today, massively so, but we were in-and-out of peace even within that? Genesis was helping of course, but it was nice to not be swallowed up in the upset. And at one point we got an avalanche of reassuring signs that led to a totally unexpected opportunity to help someone-- which was only possible because of the "bad luck" we had leading up to it. Go figure, right?
So that was really nice. Saw 1111 after that too. It always feels nice to see that number again.



This body has a fatigue headache and I'm kind of woozy and lightheaded. I don't enjoy this feeling. It's a result of self-neglect, though. That, in turn, is a result of feeling stuck in the house. At least now we get out in the morning and go work at that awesome garage, that helps so so so much.

Laurie says I should get to sleep so off I go.
I miss CZ especially and lately headspace feels closer to my heart than ever so that's something to look forward to.

Song of the night, see you later loves.