the spectrum heart cathedral system

I hurt so much.

My back hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts. I'm being eaten alive by pain and it's driving me mad.

I've been getting little to no sleep for the past two months. I'm being completely honest with you.
My family is afraid I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke, with all the stress and fatigue I'm suffering from...
I'm afraid I'm going to die, too.

It really feels like it sometimes.



A moment of silence for all those who have...



Q is going to want to talk to me on Friday.
I don't want to talk to him. I just don't want to talk right now... to anyone, really.
But it's like this every week. It's like this every day.
Every day, amid the screams and sobs and self-abuse, I don't want to feel anyone else, I don't want to hear anyone else, I don't want to know anyone else is there.
I want to be alone with my pain and my disconnected head...
If I die, I'm not taking anyone with me.

Why do I hate myself so much?
Why do I still love the world?
Why do I look and ask for pain?
Why do I seem so unfeeling and cold lately?
Why am I escaping from my only escape?

Sleep. It's all I want.
And yet, here I am, doing homework and screwing up and going on dA like a stupid bitch.
I want NOTHING to do with dA right now; why am I on there at this hour?
I have no idea. I'm such an idiot.

...Oh, who am I kidding?
There's only one reason I'm on there fave-binging at 2AM anymore.
Sentimental escapism.

Sometimes it's shocking when I look at myself and realize how freaking much I love that monster of mine.
I really don't care what people say anymore. Let my family, my friends, my public say whatever they want... prejudice and fear and hatred, whatever they wish. It doesn't matter to me anymore.
I can't go denying what is most important to me. I can't let my heart be damaged and manipulated beyond recognition simply because it's what 'they' want.
To heck with what the world says.


I need to pray more.
I haven't been praying as much as I used to... and I really wish I could go back to that.
Basically, now my only prayers are huge apologies choked out as I punish myself again for sinning when I promised Him and myself that I wouldn't.
I wish I could stop making all these mistakes.
God, I need so much help...


I think about it a lot now.
"What if I don't wake up tomorrow morning?"
There's so much I need to do yet... so much I still need to say and do, or at least I feel like I must.
Will I die before I get the chance?
Or did I simply miss my chance some time ago?

I don't know.

Right now, I just want to sleep.
That's all.


I just want to sleep... I just want to escape.

I just want to escape.


I just want to stay alive for another day.







In the night-light, do you see what you dream?
All your triumph, and all you'll ever be?
Look around you, then you may realize,
Happiness lies trapped in misery

And who knows what of our future?
We can all try to change the past.
Only you know if you'll be together tonight

Cause every night I will save your life,
And every night I will be with you
Cause every night I still lay awake,
And I dream of an absolution

'Cause every night I will make it right,
And every night I will come to you
But every night it just stays the same,
In my dream of an absolution...

 

I did this on my LJ once, remember? Fun times.

Anyway. Speaking of LJ...

I lost this very unique and thoughtful profile entry when I decided it was too long a few months ago.
However, it is still true.


Here it is, for the final time, a description of me.





My name is Jewel Lightraye.

I have an open heart and a broken soul... a curious mind and a life to give.

I am loved, I am shunned.
I am looked up to, I am talked down to.
I am young and old at the same time.

I'm a wandering dreamer who hides her sorrow behind a smile.
I'm in love with the world.
I'm a polyamorous asexual celibate.
I'm FTN.
I'm a devoted Christian.
I try to never judge anyone.
I believe nothing is impossible.
I live to touch the souls of others and change them for the better.
I've been an avid musician for fifteen years.
I've been known to lock myself in my room and cry for the children on the other side of the world.
I have seen the devil.
I have spoken with angels.
I fall in love with monsters.
I am a slave to no id.
I am inspired by everything.
I adore nature and everything in it.
I spend most of my time writing and musing.
I have a severe case of oneirataxia.
I am an empath.
I have a limitless imagination.
I see monsters in tile floors.
I audibly talk to myself in public.
I am scared to death of offending others.
I respect every one of your opinions.
I am trusting to a fault.
I'm constantly under high amounts of stress.
I am very high-strung and cry easily.
I am severely unstable upstairs.
I love to read espionage novels.
I am addicted to gemstones and cathedrals.
I treasure each of my memories.
I sing when no one is listening.
I cannot hold grudges.
I'm a world-wise optimist.
I can daydream for hours on end.
I am admired by children.
I smile at strangers on the street.
I love silence and solitude.
I am a hope bringer.
I am connected to every soul that ever was.
I talk too much.
I like hitting the enter key.
I consider everyone my closest friend.
I would die for you.
I bleed dreams.
I want to be the best person I possibly can be.
I want to change the world in a very big way.


I was put here in this life to move the hearts of others.
I was put here in this world to make a difference.
I was put here in your life to give you a little light.


Live in love and love your life.
Never stop dreaming, and keep believing.

The sun is always shining, even behind the clouds.
Keep this hope in your heart and keep on walking down the road.

Don't give up, don't give in
Every pain will have its end.
Life is long and life is hard
But I'll be there if you need a friend.



Just remember, the name's spinningcannon.

Look for me in your dreams.

I'll be the one wandering.

 

Regardless, I really shouldn't be posting, haha. Honestly.

I'm going through a severe personal crisis right now, and as a result I've been trying to stay totally disconnected from anything Internet-related, yes sir.


However, I pulled a French leave this time, and said nothing save for a cryptic entry right here on LJ almost a week ago.
Well, of course I feel terribly guilty about that one... but I don't want anyone panicking over me or worrying themselves silly over me.
Remember my crisis in January? Exactly.
I don't want to cause a ton of trouble all over again... so I said nothing on IJ, Xanga, Scribbld, NiD, or dA... just here. I wanted to leave just a little warning, just a hint, so people wouldn't think I had simply died or disappeared! Thank goodness that hasn't happened.


But about January. This is... worse.


Why?


Well... now I'm in college. Now I'm an adult. Now I have to worry about finances and cars and divorce and classes and personal stress and a ludicrous amount of guilt on top of it all.


I'll get through it, as always... but I'm worried sick that my family isn't going to get through this in one piece.
So I'm staying offline until I can settle this somewhat. I need to focus on what's immediately important...




Eh... life's been bad, but it was horribly selfish and inconsiderate of me to do what I did.
You know, just leaving and not saying anything, especially with how much my friends were worrying about me.
I figured it would be best to just stay quiet and go about life... but when my brother told me that Q had posted a dA entry asking for my return, I began to worry.
Thats when it hit me.
If I was in their place, and they were in my place...


Empathy. Pardon my language, but it hurts like hell sometimes. You know how deep mine goes.
I thought of that... I thought of how much I would worry and panic if one of my close friends ever left without an explanation, like I did... I thought of how much heartache I would suffer as a result and how desperately I would try to find out what had happened to them and how to help you if I could.
I was stupid and selfish enough to forget that fact when I posted that cryptic journal and simply walked out the door without a word.
And now I'm paying the price.


Heartache.
My mind is a mess...


Today was a mess, who am I kidding? I walked into my afternoon class today on the verge of tears, my hands shaking so much I could barely hold a pencil. I'm honestly shocked that I scored so well on my final. Probably because I was praying like crazy. (And I mean that in the literal sense, mind you! My mind is shot!)




Gosh this journal is getting long by accident. I should be asleep! I need to get a lot of work done tomorrow!


Final little statement or three...




Didja notice my journal is PiNK? Well, not exactly pink, or I wouldn't use it, haha, even though I adore that iMAGNi lass. I like the dark pinks when literal colors are concerned, though.
This journal... it's more of a RASPBERRY, don't you think?
RESOLUTiON. Something I desperately need right now.


Oh yes and I love this song.

"MELLOW MELODY" by CEUI. Song of the entry, kids!
The song itself is simply gorgeous... and the lyrics are beautifully sweet. Plus they apply to me incredibly well, haha. I love lyrics like that.
Here, go read. --> http://gendou.com/amusic/lyrics.php?id=8124&show=2 See what I mean?
For some unknown reason I want to eventually make a Puremaren AMV of sorts to this song. Yes I do. I have it planned out already!



Geez I'm getting tired, though. Ah well. Guess I'd better call it quits.



...


Tiffany, if you're reading this... thank you. If you ever need someone to talk to who will not judge you, or just a shoulder to cry on, I'm right here. I want to be a true friend to you. I haven't known you for very long, but from what I know, you're an amazing person with a beautiful personality and you deserve a ton of love. I hope life starts looking up for you very soon... I've read what you've been through, and I can empathize. I don't want you to suffer if I can help alleviate it somehow... send me a note, okay? I'll be here.
On a different note, I, um... well, I've always dreamed of having a friend named Tiffany. Honest. I don't know why, but I always have. And now I do. Thanks a billion, love.




Well, that's all for tonight, my dears. It's already 1:20 AM, dear heavens... that's it, I'm off to sleep.
Oh and I saw KoH in my dream not three days ago... poor dear was really in a horrible situation, though. And Selph showed up in my dream on... you know what? Read this. --> http://homefive.livejournal.com/1049.html Mind you, it's a very strange and negative dream, which led to my having quite a bad day afterwards, but... yeah. All my dreams lately have been bad or empty, save for one on the 22nd (I think) which was pure awesome. I literally woke up laughing. I'll have to write that one down tomorrow, just because. I'll try and find a little time, okay?




1:23, aha! Talk about coincidence or a lack thereof.


I don't know when I'll see you guys here again... hopefully it won't be too long, but I can't say anything for sure at this point. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.


Keep dreaming, keep believing, and keep looking up.


Love you kids.


Good night.







~spinningcannon

 

 

Current Mood: very, very unstable.
Current Music: "Mellow Melody" (Ceui)