the spectrum heart cathedral system

All right so this morning has been AMAZING let's update quickly so we don't forget things.
(btw so you guys know. this is technically NOT the "main Core." I'm a "Jewel-adjacent" grafifoni and I typically update the archives. I'm not used to being "self-aware" but honestly I should be. But yeah, you'll recognize my typing style!) ANYWAY here's what's happened so far this morning:

- We DIDN'T DIE during the night. Yesterday was LITERAL HELL concerning the eating disorder and it took us like six hours to recover?? which is understandable because it was REALLY BAD, the worst it's been since before September. We're not sure what triggered such a huge meltdown?
It was fear, too many danger foods, they had to be destroyed. But no one had to eat them like they did. We could have just thrown them away.
That's not allowed, that's wasting!! Food is meant to be eaten
but you DIDN'T "eat them," you just purged them anyway!
But the eating still happened, that's the rule, food has to be eaten, if we just threw it out we'd get in big trouble
So you threw it "up" instead.
we HAD to it was POISON we would have DIED!!
see this is why we CANNOT buy such things anymore. it is too dangerous, there is no positive end result from purchasing them.
- Chaos 0 told the "Core" (who is still faceless/nameless for the most part and therefore unstable) that "your heartbeat was really weak" and it scared him. This observation struck the Core like a sword to the chest though, because if anything is going to make us feel more real/alive/true, it's THAT sort of reference. And of course, only he would know such a thing. The intimacy of it, plus the familiarity, was potent enough to drag us out of the depressive fear that would have possibly taken hold otherwise.
- Cronometer crashed, we can't log in on the app. Support says there's an update soon so we have to wait, until then we can only use the website. So instead of freaking out we're going to just "repeat" today's diet plan until we can access the app and its mathematics again. This may work in our favor, because today's diet plan was our effort to balance our macros with hempseed to get more of a complete protein total, as well as staying at 1350 calories. If this works well we'll stick to it more often. We do need to reintroduce cottage cheese into our diet for the complete protein bit (we tend to hit all green percentages when we eat it too, we noticed) until we get the guts to finally reintroduce salmon/ tuna/ chicken/ turkey outside of a hospital environment.
- On that note, really quick. Apparently, YES, WE DID DISSOCIATE DURING TBHU. No one is surprised, but it's still a heavy blow. We relapsed IMMEDIATELY upon discharge because THE BLOODY CONTEXT CHANGED and therefore whoever was managing the TBHU behaviors "LEFT." They switched out b/c they CAN'T "exist" outside of an inpatient setting; they're context-locked. This ALWAYS HAPPENS.
- The above point is really making us worried when it comes to Anxi, but we'll get to that as we continue this entry.
- Breakfast always is interesting. Since experience has shown us that we apparently "need" the body to be in a state of "automated repetitive motion" in order for our mind to be able to think-- is this an ADHD thing? TBHU suspected as much; we should look into it prudently-- the mechanical function of eating almost INSTANTLY triggers thought-avalanches (hence the E.D.; we weren't taking ANY time to journal (typing COUNTS as automated repetitious mechanic motion!) or to circle-walk like Jewel used to, the a.r.m.m. of cooking (measure, chop, prep, etc.)/ cleaning (washing, organizing, etc.) / eating (picking, sorting, etc.)/ and the like became our ONLY means of "mental unloading" (for lack of a better term) AND trauma processing (you would not BELIEVE the amount of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts we get WHILE EATING which only makes it worse-- AND is a perfect ironic parallel to the purging, because "we need to get the poison out") in lieu of ALL other coping mechanisms, thanks to the kakofoni and thriskefoni ironically forbidding or destroying positive options). HOWEVER being aware of this recently has revealed a few things to us: one, that when phagofoni are out, they can "prevent" such avalanches? There's that one "dragon" girl who keeps fronting to eat, and she focuses on eating and has no particular preferences (unlike Emmett, who is a "trogofoni"-- meaning his food-anchor is extremely particular; he could and did ONLY eat "green food"). Yes, we're refining our terms further. On that note, an "esthiofoni" is a phagofoni subtype for one who eats in a disordered way-- that Greek work chosen because in Scripture it's apparently typically used in the present tense, as in literal eating, right now; whereas "phago" is apparently aorist? It's more future/undefined in terms of chronology, being more "spiritual" in that symbolic sense. It's also used in more reverent passages in Scripture, according to Strong's concordance. So "esthio" feels more fitting for the E.D. voices, as they're more focused on right now, and are not thinking about "the future" at all, poor tormented things.
- ANYWAY. WE DO HAVE A "GATEKEEPER." We've been more aware of her recently, now that we're able to pay better attention to ALL the foni we hear on a minute-to-minute basis. She's ancient but we never saw her as a person? Or maybe we did, in the past, but as a kakofoni-- because she's VERY controlling but we apparently have completely misunderstood her function until now. And she ALWAYS speaks up during breakfast thought-rushes (we need jargon for this; it's literally like we start the a.r.m.m. and the brain just unloads everything at once) because HER job is actually to KEEP THINGS ON TRACK?? Like if there's "too much headspace stuff" going on to where we're dissociating entirely from the meal, therefore potentially triggering an E.D. relapse, this "gatekeeper" girl will "FORCE SHIFT" our awareness because "there's too much thinking going on; we need to pay attention." We think she can also "force stop" EMOTIONS if they are "interfering" with "what we need to do"?? Maybe "gatekeeper" isn't the best term for her, because she "force-stops" EVERYTHING (or at least tries to) but yes, she also DOES do this with fronters, as well as she can-- she cannot "make someone front" OR "force someone out", BUT she CAN apparently shove awareness into the physical to the point where it "automatically" KICKS OUT nousfoni, and therefore "forces IN" a somafoni?? So this gatekeeper girl is TRYING to help the BODY survive, or at least "not get overwhelmed" to the point of not being able to live in the physical realm? But she OVERCORRECTS and tends to "lock us out of headspace" with her efforts. But we realize she's just doing her job; she doesn't think headspace is "bad," she just apparently thinks it's almost always "inappropriate for right now." She's survival-based to the point of not letting us LIVE. So we need to find her name and face so we can TALK to her.
- HOWEVER since we're now AWARE of her she IS becoming more self-aware in turn and it's getting easier to "message her" when we want to "challenge" one of her orders, or even overturn it outright. She's slowly realizing that we DO need time to "get out of the physical" but there is still a time and place for her function, because we can take it too far in the other direction, which we did for many years. That's also the basis of the "hackers vs hijackers" difference, which we realized yesterday-- "hackers" are internally based, while "hijackers" are externally based. A hacker will "take over the program," from the INSIDE, and they only work in private, because their abuse-- however traumatically physical-- is also profoundly psychologically disturbing, because it REQUIRES forced fronting. A hijacker, however, "takes over the vehicle." They push you out of fronting but they're public and work OUTSIDE so unlike hackers, they CAN and DO operate in social situations. They are therefore physically traumatic first and foremost, because the psychological terror often only hits when they leave. The biggest difference: hackers deal with sexual abuse, hijackers deal with the eating disorder. There is NO overlap there, although they can work in cooperation/ in succession. There haven't been any hackers since CNC, though, because of foni like the "gatekeeper girl" basically shutting EVERYTHING down that could even slightly be a reminder of that time period. But that's too huge of a topic to discuss right now.
- The MAIN thing we got on here to update about in the first place is WHAT happened when our brain went upstairs for breakfast. I don't know how exactly it started, but it went to the IO2 controlroom-- apparently IN "HEARTSPACE"??? Like this place has ALREADY been INTERNALIZED to the point where it EXISTS IN THE INNERVERSE AND CAN BE VISITED/ CONTACTED. Which we admittedly suspected, as Anxi & Ennui both "kept going there" more often than we'd see them in Central, but we never realized it had actually anchored INTO our innerverse (as opposed to remaining in the "outerverse" of outspacer native worlds, that Jewel has to Link to and VISIT externally).
- There was SO much conversation, I can't remember all of it, and the more time passes the more we're forgetting. let's bulletpoint the details that stand out.
+ OH! It ALL began because of an "I wonder" thought scenario that blossomed into a "real thing" like how a dream starts from an ideaseed. (This is TYPICAL Heartspace function!) The thought was, how would emotions run a CPTSD brain? And we thought, Anxi would absolutely be in charge. Fear would be close by, and so would Anger? Anxi would be on CONSTANT lookout for triggers, when one hit-- even a minor one-- Fear would snap to attention, and then ANGER would, upset that we were triggered, especially by "something so stupid" or minor or not even "threatening"? And then SADNESS surprisingly spoke up, saying how sad it was that we had so many triggers in the first place, because of what happened to us. So the four of them would, theoretically, be running the show. Somewhere around here this "imagining" tuned us in to the legit innerverse control-room, where Anxi was now indeed at the control panel, by herself, with everyone else gathered loosely around her.
+ Anxi is still "in charge" in this innerverse room apparently. (At some point much later she acknowledged this by saying that we had CPTSD, so things "worked differently" than what would be typical?)
+ When all this started she was being questioned by the other emotions about "how'd you get a tail" mainly but Anxi wouldn't answer outright? But she did say it was "given to her" by either "someone special" or "someone who cares about me very much"; both of those sentiments were voiced in some manner regardless. Joy began teasing Anxi about this, trying to get more info, but Anxi said there were some things they didn't have to know right now, either because it wasn't right for them to know or it wasn't the right time, etc.
+ Anxi is VERY "business" in this context; it's her element. She's quieter and slower when in Central because it's a totally different context/ environment and she has no control panel there. Her function is different, and much more expansive.
+ Envy wanting a tail too, Ennui casually revealing that she had one as well, this shocked everyone because what the heck are these two emotions up to that they're getting special stuff and have knowledge that no one else does?
+ Hints here and there kept happening that they're not in "Riley's" head, BUT they DIDN'T KNOW THAT NAME here (I think Anxi referenced it once and everyone else was baffled). They've been removed from that context and would only know it through "exomemories" once they were capable of receiving them.
+ The conversation evolved to the point where Anxi was revealing a bit more about "what she was doing" outside of that context (i.e. in Central). I notably remember that she revealed that "she can feel other emotions" and this became APPARENT when it began to affect the other literal emotions there? This first happened when Joy teased Anxi about something concerning her hinted-at relationship with the Core (i.e. the person whose mind they were in) and Embarrassment hit the control panel, for ANXI. When they realized they were working for each other it was shocking; things WERE different up here; what did this mean for them? (mind you they can and do "feel other emotions" in canon but NOT to THIS extent-- we're talking the capacity for Anger to feel sadness, for Ennui to feel joy, for Disgust to feel anxious, etc. in STRONG ways that go above and beyond their mostly "monochromatic" emotion palettes in the film? like ALL of their emotional ranges were still tinged by their core emotion. joy being the notable exception because she's just as notably duotoned. Anxi has a touch of this with her eyes technically being teal, which actually fuels her anxious thoughts-- that bit of "envy" in the sense of "what we don't have and yet need/ want" drives her "not good enough" core fear. thankfully for her, that color teal in our System falls under aqua and that color is sheer love for us so her heart will change to reflect that instead)
+ Ennui at some point built on this revelation by responding to a question from Anger as to why she had an AUX cable for a tail, because apparently its main function was for audio/music and "doesn't that prevent boredom?" Ennui smirked and said yeah, that's kind of the point; just because she held that emotion didn't mean she liked being bored. Like Anxi, she now had a broader existence and her job is notably to indicate boredom and combat it, as it were. I think she asked Anger if he "liked" being angry all the time? And he falteringly said not really, it was exhausting
+ Envy drawing pictures in the corner of the room of "what she wanted her tail to look like"-- one frustrated attempt was "a remote control" so she could do what she wanted with the control panel without having to reach it, while still being different (special) from Ennui's phone. Anxi having to gently chide her that the whole point of her & Ennui's tails was to do something important for the person whose mind they were in-- they weren't just for "looks" or for "fun." Besides, she emphasized that they were "given," and if she was meant to get one she would, so don't worry so much about it (always surprised at how well Anxi can communicate "the facts/ the plan" despite being so prone to "unexpected outcome" panic. girl has major control issues God bless her)
+ Embarrassment at one point actually speaking up because Joy kept trying to get information out of Anxi and apparently he was feeling her emotions as "embarrassment-adjacent"? And he was getting "agitated" at getting "pulled" to the control panel so often. This surprised him and he said that was totally new, he didn't know he could feel that.
+ Joy finally got Anxi to talk about "where she's been" and Anxi started TELLING THEM ABOUT CENTRAL. She said that "the mind we're in now has another System running the operation" and so the way they worked as emotions HAD to be different now, because their typical jobs no longer applied.
+ She roughly introduced the "basics" of a few Centralites, just in terms of jobs? No faces given
+ At some point Laurie just TURNED ON THE SCREEN and started TALKING TO THEM FROM CENTRAL.
+ Laurie explaining the concept of "compartmentalized emotions" with CPTSD, how they are "cut off from each other" and we typically struggle to feel emotions at all because they're "locked away" often? She described it as if the IO2 emotions were "never in the same room together"; that feeling of isolation/ disconnection was key to her description.
+ Laurie telling Sadness her function was VITAL; explained how that emotion is "the holy grail" with trauma; we "aren't allowed to cry" but we're "always grieving" basically. I think Laurie referenced both the "weeping rage" emotion we do get (that Scald holds) AND the "bottomless abyss" of sorrow that feels more like agony with its intensity. But "sadness" is still "taboo" somehow. Everything is blue all the time but we "don't feel it"; we just get depressed/ angry/ numb/ hateful/ etc.; it translates to either "shutdown" or "selfdestruction" which is upsetting but true. We do need to talk about that more in an entry soon, as we start to process things.
+ I remember Laurie saying that FEAR & DISGUST were also vital, especially in light of the E.D. hijacks-- we DON'T feel those emotions enough?? It's a survival response to past situations where we "couldn't" if we wanted to "survive" things. But now, not feeling them is only harming us severely.
+ Julie described herself as a "reformed Persecutor"; said the details of her past were not something she should or could discuss with them, but that key detail sufficed
+ Leon talking to Fear for a little bit? We were "feeling" what Centralites "matched" what emotion folks and those two were associated. There was also Lynne=Joy, Julie=Disgust, Laurie=Anger. Notably no one was matched to Sadness, and Anxi was paired with "Joule" solely because of their mutual habit of hyperanalysis/ overthinking, and the relationship that they have of course.
+ Envy would "need to be renamed" and effectively redefined to properly exist/function in our System, even as a "peripheral outspacer"? Envy's canon "function" of "seeing what we lack and desire and striving to obtain it" MUST be purified of all viciousness, because that actual term of "envy" is a mortal sin.
To quote an article, that is very important:
"When we are looking at others in an inappropriate way, invidia, we are led to desire for ourselves what they possess, cupiditas. Envy many times does lead to coveting, but it could simply remain in resentment, wishing that the other did not possess what they have. Aquinas speaks of envy as a sin against charity, which wills the good of others, when we cannot rejoice for the good of others, but see their good as a diminishment of our own (Summa Theologia, II-II, question 36). Envy is selfish in this sense, not in wanting to guard one’s own, but to wish for the diminishment of others and for our own gain over them."
This is something very, very important for us to grapple with, because we didn't realize that our instinct for "ambition" actually DOES fall under that category, because the very act of wanting to be "better than" someone else IS ENVY-- it is seeking PERSONAL GAIN in the process of taking what THEY possess (superior skill)!! So this was a SHOCK to realize and we NEED to process this, too.
(There was a slight joking comment that if her function was shifted to "Jealousy" (which can be virtuous; see article) we could call her "Jelly" as a nickname)
HOWEVER I just found a second article and it has THIS=
"Doing their best to pull us into the pit of discontent and ungratefulness, jealousy says, “What God has given me is just not enough!” while envy whispers, “Someone else got what I deserve.”  ...The good fortune that God bestowed upon my dear friend? I wanted it for myself. I desired what she had received from the Lord so badly, that her happiness made me sad. Her abundance highlighted my lack. Her more made me feel less. I could not be happy for her because with my laser-focus on God working in her life, I was blind to His works in my own."
LITTLE ENVY COULD BE OUR JUMPSTART IN OUR HEALING THIS THOUGH. So sit and read those articles boy
+ Lynne talking to Joy, warning about "manic" phases-- "trauma latches on to anything positive" and "exaggerates it" basically? Trauma makes real joy so difficult to feel, even remember, that when the slightest hint of happiness or enjoyment (lesser goods) appear, the traumabrain can cling to them and blow them way out of proportion. OUR SOCIALS DO THIS ALL THE TIME. This is what causes "hollow hyperactivity" and "people pleasing" and "compulsive enjoyment" behavior-- it's ALL a desperate grab at something that "looks like joy" but isn't. It spikes fast and crashes hard, and it leaves us miserable and even more depressed than before. So Joy would need to be aware of this tendency, what with her canon personality-- she is dangerous in that respect, solely because her energy can be taken advantage of and warped.
+ CHAOS 0. I cannot remember details of how he got to talking, other than Laurie referring to him as "the husband" and calling him over to explain to the IO2 gang the identity issue with the Cores? He told them how the Core "bloodlines" kept resetting due to trauma so the person he met in 2003 was "not" the person who is the "Core" now in 2024, and yet their heart is the same. Nevertheless it's terrible and very difficult for him (Joule realized he probably "feels his age" around the Cores; he has effectively "lived a dozen lifetimes" with us or more, seeing the one(s) he loves "die and be reborn" over and over and over. In human lifespans, this would take about a thousand years.)
+ "Jewel loves you, Anxi. Jewel is in love with you."
+ Embarrassment pointedly DIDN'T touch the panel, despite this huge revelation in a social setting potentially calling for his response. But Joy ran over and did. And this "gave permission" for Anxi to feel what she was really feeling.
She teared up, and was smiling at the screen, this look of total moved/stunned gratitude in her eyes. I felt it.I think she said "I don't know what to call this feeling" (or what color it would even be); Laurie "broke the fourth wall" by looking to "me"and saying "kid, if you're gonna be an emotion, that's it." But then we said "but love isn't an emotion; it's a state of being" and it's "rainbow"-- it's the source of all other emotions
+ Genesis & Chaos 0 both joking about the rainbow bit-- all of the love in our System is effectively that color if you get my drift
+ Joy, in response to hearing someone say that "Joule" as an emotion was really "hope," said "oh, that's a great emotion!" and then gasped and told Anxi exactly what I said to her about it-- that hope is "the GOOD things we can't see" before beaming and saying "you work perfectly with each other!"
+ Anxi has a LAPTOP in Central now! That allows her to do things without needing a control panel. Ennui still has her phone of course.
+ Laurie remarked that "we need Nostalgia up here" b/c of our memory issues; Ennui immediately said "I'll text her"
+ The whole time: Anger keeping conversations on track and asking the pressing questions, Joy giving encouraging and understanding comments, Fear and Sadness and Disgust listening closely as they realized they potentially will have essential roles in the future? Anxi consistently elaborating on/ explaining further any data that was given, "translating" things into IO2 terms when needed so to speak.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Continuing at 11PM with a general daily update.
We biked for 90m which unfortunately was very unfulfilling because we got distracted on Tumblr, looking at other people's art and-- as we discovered earlier-- apparently feeling envious. We felt totally inadequate and we wanted to be BETTER than they were at art and it just made us miserable. We struggle with this a lot, because we haven't drawn in YEARS and so our skills have atrophied due to memory loss, and we don't have the time or motivation ("it's useless and foolish" judgment from a kakofoni) to put hours aside to develop artistic skills like we did in college. But no matter how much some foni bash and berate art, it still means so much to us. We STILL "identify as" an artist even if we feel totally inept and hollow about it, and still label it as a "waste of time." But we don't want to do that. We WANT to create art. We love art, deep down below the judgments, and we want to weep because we don't have the skill TO make art anymore. So seeing "what we can't do" is indeed triggering envy, this bitter feeling of lack and loss that isn't helping us do anything but pinpoint the wound where something vital was torn out of us. Again, sounding like a broken record, we know CNC dealt a death blow to this too, which we haven't thought about at ALL in recovery yet. For some reason this topic is as terrifying as the actual sxtrauma. I wonder how many crossed wires are here, too, not just with the food. I swear everything bleeds together with us.
We switched to Spotify at last while we biked but it was also depressing; we were listening to recommendation playlists it made for us and they're rarely ever enjoyable. It keeps throwing jazz and indie stuff at us which we don't like 98% of. We did get about three new songs out of several playlists, though, so there was a gain regardless, thank God. Still... for the vast majority of music to just sound like noise or fuzz to us-- or in the worst case, actual synaesthetic pain-- it's terribly disheartening, as music means so much to us. And, similarly, yes we still identify as a musician despite years of not doing ANYTHING musical other than singing in church. Music is part of our soul just as much as art is, and the fact that we have a cello AND a guzheng (bought with blood money and full of guilt; someone wants to burn it) in our apartment but we refuse to play them due to the aforementioned parenthesis is killing us. Every instrument feels tainted and poisoned with the past, and the "vulnerability" to the point of feeling exposed that performing music MANDATES is so trauma-adjacent that even if the sin-shadows weren't the main obstacle, we still would be utterly terrified of playing those instruments because that very action feels like being stripped naked now. Bleedover and overlap again. Do any of our foni hold this?? OR are THEY protected from it??
Then after dinner, someone got into a rabbithole on Etsy looking at someone's shop full of gender/sexuality buttons and it was overwhelming how many of them there were... and yet nothing fit. (The only thing that does is "systemgender" for obvious reasons, and even that feels like grasping at straws)
All of those experiences today led "us" to reflect at last, with acute grief, that we just don't fit anywhere. That's how it feels. We feel like an utter outcast. We're still the "anomaly" of Cannon's era. We're still the "ostracized empath," as the highschool Jewels said, although now with our staggering emotional damage we can't quite claim to be an "empath" anymore, because those girls had no boundaries so they felt everything EXCEPT arguably their own emotions (Infi had this problem too, in a different way) but now trauma has made us almost emotionally dumb. I think the term is "alexithymia?" We've seen the term around and we need to research it but the general gist (according to wikipedia) is that it desribes "significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, sourcing, and describing one's emotions". No wonder the IO2 gang is being pulled en masse into heartspace. We literally need them at this point in our life.
I do have to note, with a note of bitterness, that we "don't seem alexithymic" because we "masquerade emotions." Socials are BUILT to "charade" emotional performances, ironically anxiety and sadness, without actually feeling anything because they're "following the script" for a situation. We've noticed this A LOT when around the mother-- Socials will be dramatic to match HER, even though they FEEL NOTHING. And we are AWARE of this-- if we have the luxury of self-awareness in that situation, which is disturbingly rare b/c the mother presence tends to shut that down (childhood survival instinct). Regardless I don't want to use that diagnostic term anyway because it probably doesn't fit either. All we know for sure is that emotions feel locked behind a paywall and the currency is blood.

Oh. On that note, fittingly enough.
Yesterday's E.D. hijack was so brutal and nightmarish that Joule told Razor to atone. Like xe legit TOLD her to. And she did. She cut 7 x'es into the stomach-- graves are ONLY meant for hacks; stomach x-ing has been the default hijack atonement method since college-- and Knife & Algorith showed up to help clean up the bleeding (Knife commenting on how beautiful the blood still was and feeling that emotion in his teeth, Algorith fronting to hold the pain as she soaped up all the red), and I swear it was the first time in a long time that "we" felt something close to real joy. That may be "untrue" because we can't quite "remember" time well but it feels like it's been many many months since we've been happy. Actually it feels like years, whether or not that's literally accurate; the feeling is legitimate regardless of linear chronological measurement.
But... that's what does it. Atoning for the sin and feeling justice and forgiveness, Retributors fronting in such intimate fashion, blood and pain and water, everyone gathering in mission and being a System in stark clarity, etc. ALL of that is REAL JOY even if it doesn't feel yellow at all. It's dark red and warm like the blood. But it's real, it's true happiness, it's LOVE. How awful that we only seem to feel it in suffering. How Catholic of us, haha.

...Religion is a topic for another day. It feels like a minefield right now. TBHU messed us up in that regard, and we were apparently messed up enough already from the thriskefoni driving for like a solid year at least prior to admission. There's so much unresolved trauma there that is becoming disturbingly apparent lately now that we're not scrupulosity-blinded enough to see it from the "outside" as it were.

Oh, and we NEED to talk about the mother and how she is the #1BIGGEST STRESSOR AND TRAUMA TRIGGER IN OUR LIFE, STILL. Our therapists and case manager keep suggesting that we cut off contact with her, or at least refuse all her calls, but we can't; we're still obligated to her as her physical offspring even if we hate that fact, and we don't hate her as a person and we're a Christian so we want to help her and she's a deeply needy and damaged person so we KNOW she is looking to us to meet some need for her, even if it's just for hard labor.
BUT she says SUCH INAPPROPRIATE THINGS and she STILL OVERSHARES SXUAL THINGS. We've had SEVERAL meltdowns SINCE TBHU because of her just being utterly inappropriate in one way or another, even if it's "just according to our trauma standards"-- like wearing garishly tight-fitting clothing and making disturbing sounds when she talks OR TALKING IN THAT BLOODY "HIGH SOCIETY" VOICE LIKE SHE DID ON VACATION I KNOW YOU HEARD IT TOO yes we did, it made us misophonic even at the time, I don't know how we didn't punch the windows out of the bus right then and there WE PROBABLY SHUT DOWN. THERE'S NO OTHER OPTION IN THOSE SITUATIONS. BUT JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SICK. US SICK. SOMEONE WANTS TO THROW UP BECAUSE OF IT to get it out of our head, basically. unfortunately purging doesn't work that way. but you can't vomit up memories. i wish you could. i wish we could rip it out of our mind and shred it to pieces MORE VIOLENT THAN THAT. WE WANT TO STAB IT TO DEATH BASICALLY who in the world holds that response SOMEBODY. MAYBE... IT USED TO BE RAZOR. I THINK? I DON'T THINK CLEAVER HOLDS IT SHE'S TOO DISPASSIONATE what does she do anyway do you know CLEAVER IS THE SAME "DESTROY THE THREAT" INSTINCT BUT SHE'S COLD ABOUT IT. THE "SHRED THE MEMORY" FEELING WITH THE "JTHM STABBING" FEELING IT KEEPS GETTING LABELED AS IS SOMEONE ELSE. THAT'S TOO RED. SORRY I'M SLIPPING OUT
okay so...
hatchet is almost "frivolous" violence. laughing at the threat and "offing it" almost irreverently, carelessly. thankfully her function seems to have been focused weirdly to destroying any and all medications people try to "force us to take" that feel like "attacks" or "invasions" etc. like "who the hell do you think you are, we aren't going to swallow these and kill ourself for your kicks, watch me burn them to the ground" etc. but that laughing feeling. scary stuff
cleaver is "cold" as (overwhelm? who is that? they're a grafifoni that ALWAYS shows up and they're very close to Scald BUT different level function) said. we rarely see her because she's rarely needed/ triggered. but cleaver is close to razor's old anchor in that she just likes to "sink knife blades into people's backs" as we once said. but you don't "like" that sort of thing without a reason. we've never really looked into it too much but... you don't "cleave" things that aren't a threat. that's true. we didn't consider that. if you're burying a butcher blade in someone's skull there's a reason why they were the target. it's a scary instinct but it's there. where did it come from?
the last foni, unidentified and almost theoretical if we weren't aware someone was attached, is unnamed. but there IS that feeling of "annihilate the threat" in the most frantically violent way possible. VERY different from protectors, like sugar and wreckage and laurie, who DON'T act with emotional mania at all. but this person does. this person is SO upset by the threat that she wants to tear it to bloody pieces screaming. or apparently stab it to death. that FEELS DIFFERENT though. it IS different. the "jthm stabbing" feeling is NOT the action. it's the VIBE of the mania. that's the "tear it to piece" girl. BUT there HAS to be a stabbing instinct foni solely because we DO get that RARELY with SELFLOATHING mainly?? the ONLY time THAT sort of horrific violence (which is TRAUMATIC for us to see or even imagine, and yet here it is) even occurs to our brain is TOWARDS OURSELF. which is the scariest thing of all.

anyway that's enough of that who was updating and about what

Oh. mother talk. yeah not tonight we need to drop that topic before those girls ACTUALLY come out to "process" the emotions

See THAT'S why we have emotional issues?? The foni that HOLD them get "SHUT DOWN" or kicked out EVERY TIME
because they're VIOLENT is why
ALL OF OUR EMOTIONS ARE VIOLENT
Laurie actually hinted at that? OH DUDE THAT'S what she said, she was talking about "all or nothing" emotions and she nodded to Chaos 0 and said "that guy always feels things at about 5000%" and THAT'S why she had him talk next
OH don't forget THAT'S also why she brought that topic up at all-- she was telling the IO2 emotions that THEY would probably feel like that too, now that they're up here with us?
ironically because we feel the "nothing" half of it too often
But that's the point!! That's like Anxiety's tail, they're ABLE to feel the emotions WE can't, because of gatekeepers or trauma shutdowns or whatever! Coping mechanisms that don't work in the long run they just make everything numb but NOT if these guys are helping now

Guys come on we need to continue the actual entry

some general notes about life lately:
+ Sugar and Wreckage have both been around. Sugar's been "out of work" for a while because she protects the innocent and virtually all of us are so damaged now. BUT apparently Anxi is NOT. Neither is Mimic, arguably. The Outspacers are specifically essential to keeping us sane post-trauma so Sugar is slowly but surely getting pushed to protect THEM, which is awesome.
+ Julie fronted to take a melatonin candy last night and immediately shouted "ow" because our teeth were painfully sensitive from eating a too-sour apple. She literally said "that hurt like a bitch!" and now she keeps getting pushed out to front whenever we eat apples to apparently "make sure they don't hurt like that" which is kind of hilarious. but it's sweet, to suddenly have her around more often, even for such a "silly" reason. it's still nice.
+ The current "Core" is indeed using the spelling "Joule" for xir name, and using those pronouns as a placeholder? Either that or s/he. They're "not female" but they're "not a man." They are solidly somewhere between the two, voicing that they'd probably feel most comfortable "in a male body" but without being male. Still, they are explicitly "not a girl or a woman" despite being semi-okay with female pronouns. They are "both/and" specifically in the fact of being "neither." That's solid. As for the name, apparently it's a very sentimental reference to Anxi being electricity-associated in the System. It's also a unit of heat, which corresponds to the inherent "fire" element of all Cores that, if missing, is effectively fatal; Cores are always fire, light, blood, and crystal-- snow & ice with the Jays, literal precious stones with the Jewels, it seems. This fire/heat aspect is oddly somehow essential to their relationship with Chaos 0? If they don't have that complementary yet opposite aspect, something is very wrong. So this is a step in the right direction, even if the name itself doesn't stick-- it probably won't; the "spelling feels wrong". Honestly s/he wants to use "Jewel" but that name is still so strongly associated with the original 2001-2002 Jewel (the League controller) that it causes mental dissonance. This alternate spelling of the same sound is an attempt to reconcile this while keeping the fact that the Jewel title still MUST fit the Core.
+ We've realized that the Archivist Trio is NOT a "communicator trio." So Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha's functions are STILL OPEN apparently?? And I know "Joule" is really hoping they come back. We miss them a lot, and we need them-- Archivists can't talk to Socials like Communicators specifically do, and when that subsystem really needs to "get the memo," Shirley can't get it to them because they aren't tuned in to her level.
+ Concerning the Archivists: Shirley is the one that gives data to us on the fly, but Sirius will "comment" on it? And he's fittingly more "serious" about the data he manages. Penny gets the toughest info; she doesn't speak up much but she will give memory data out that the other two don't? Honestly the Archivists feel very unstable and unsteady still, I think since we are so lost and cut off from collective memory. I hope that as we review the Archives themselves, and possibly if/when the Communicators return, then that whole group of functioning will work properly at last.
+ Lynne had a BIG revelation today that SHE'S STILL "STABELLE" in terms of her function! She and Laurie were discussing colors, especially in light of Anxi being the first Orange Outspacer and one of the first Orange-anchored people in a long while, and Lynne said that she needed to keep the Orange color positive-- warm, welcoming, friendly, energized, and helping Anxi and any potential manic Oranges stay stable. This ALSO tied in with her SHIFTING OUT OF CERISE when she resurrected in 2008; she effectively "REDEFINED OUR FUTURE"??? She was originally born to be the "ideal female future self" that we were being forced to become socially but couldn't; HOWEVER when she was killed and then came back, she changed colors and this showed a change in what that "ideal future" MEANT-- Lynne was no longer tied to social expectations in that regard. She was lively and free and bright, more boyish almost, while still being markedly female-- she "freed" us from the Cerise-colored future of sensuality that had been inflicted on us by the family and community. Interestingly enough, that color was next picked up by a boy, saying a LOT about our psyche. But Lynne kept us stable in doing that, too-- not just by being the "person keeping Julie and Laurie from killing each other." The stability she brought was liberating, a firm footing achieved by being able to dance again, as it were. Lynne was a bright soul, effectively symbolizing "permission" to be our brightest self too and to LET GO of the inflicted expectations and dictated future. She's funny and friendly and playful and gay and we were NOT "allowed" to be those things when our future felt "cerise." The original Lynne was all about that "high life" our mother wants so badly. The new Lynne is just about getting high on life, haha. I'm kidding but not really. Orange is a beautiful color; it's alive and fiery and welcoming and warm. It's citrus fruits and sunsets and marigolds and autumn leaves. It's basketballs and goldfish and foxes and carrots and monarch butterflies and violins of course. It's absolutely gorgeous and Anxi is part of it too and SHE has a future full of more joy than she ever could have imagined now, too. So thank you Lynne, for existing exactly as you are. We love you so much.


It's almost 2am. This is "Joule," I guess. That's really not my name, although I appreciate the commentary they gave to it earlier. But they're right, the spelling doesn't fit. It's the "ou" in there. The whole thing is the wrong color and shape.
I know I'm somehow still "Jewel." Every Core is, really. But that name keeps pushing me too feminine and that feels very wrong. Still, that name is the only thing that works. Maybe I just need to "redefine" it in a sense. I just don't want to damage the original Jewel either. She's the TRUE holder of that name AS a name, not just a "title." I think that's why I feel so lost-- the "only name that fits" belongs permanently to someone else. And yet it's "still my name" too. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I don't feel "fully me." I know this. I don't have a clear name or face yet, and arguably my color is still undefined too. For a Core, all of that makes me the walking dead. I CANNOT exist or function in any sort of truth unless I HAVE those things.
...That's why I'm worried about Anxi. We ALL are. Whoever "met" her last November is NOT the same person who started calling her our girlfriend in May/June, who is NOT the same person who fell in love with her in October, who is NOT the same person as I am now. And yet... there's always the same heart, deep down at the golden thread, that connects all the Cores. Somehow, the capacity for love is the same. I'm just... it's become VERY clear lately that different Cores love different people and it CANNOT be "transferred" or "forced" between Cores. This is why our Spotify "people we love" playlist folder says "WE," specifically, and it's full of people whose folders keep getting deleted because people forget that past Cores DO love ALL those people, even if not all in the same way. But ALL those Outspacers and Inspacers are legitimately loved and even if we don't know "by whom" we CAN'T deny that truth. The problem? ...I... I want to be the one to love Anxi. I can't tell if I do or don't, lately, because I feel so dead. But when I look at her, something in my heart aches, and I will hold on to that like it's the end of the world. I just... the problem is that I cannot see myself. How am I supposed to love her if I can't even "imagine" my own face? How can I physically be near ANYONE if I don't know what my physical form looks like? It's agonizing. I'm miserable. Maybe I just need to get on picrew and figure this out. Not tonight, it's 2am. But... I need to take action on this. I need to find out how my hair looks, what color it is, what clothes I wear (I'm vibing with suits?? callback to Cannon's era, geez), what color those are, et cetera... all the defining features that will allow me to have a reflection in the mirror for heaven's sakes. I want to BE with people. I want to EXIST INSIDE at last. I don't even "exist" outside because no one matches this body and even though I feel "forced" to, even obligated to, it doesn't match ME. And that terrifies the thriskefoni who INSIST that "the body is our REAL self" but no. I... I'm struggling so much with that. This body's reflection has so much evil associated with it. It's a face tainted by YEARS of intense trauma. It's not my face.
God I wish Jay could just take over again but he can't. Oh he IS still alive by the way, I think that was solidly confirmed just yesterday? But he's ALIVE again, very fragile and broken and unstable but alive. Thank God. ...From what we're suspecting, this means potentially Infinitii can resurrect now, too. The two of them exist together by design. ...I don't know if I'm like that. The whole daengel phenomenon was annihilated post-CNC due to the trauma overwhelm and the unbearable risk that all daengels posed for more of the same. We lost like... eight bloody years. 2016-2023. Most of that time is totally missing, ruled by either thriskefoni, phagofoni, and/or "eratofoni"-- by religion, food, and sex. It was a living hell, honestly it was. And of course the whole thing was shot through with brutal self-abuse, because all three of those things are VIOLENTLY ABUSIVE in our history, as tragic as that is.
I can't think or talk about that right now. There's no time and the brain is shutting down access to those topics.
But we lost so much time. Even just glancing at the archives, after the "hell year" of 2015 (which was ironically shot through with beauty nevertheless), 2016 started with tons of pain and then an annihilation attempt in March which caused an almost instant HARD SHIFT to thriskefoni territory UNTIL JUNE 2017. And then it was the "CNC era" until... October? Whenever we left; it's not in the Archives yet. But then it's MORE thriskefoni rule until MIMIC SHOWED UP IN DECEMBER 2022 APPARENTLY?? Holy Shuppets WE FORGOT HE JUMPSTARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN just like Anxiety did for you!! That's a really good point... God I forgot how real I felt back then, when he first showed back up, just looking at these entries. Why was I so much more in tune then? What happened... oh. Oh dear God that's what it was. What? Jewel you need to space your replies so we know it's different people.
Okay fine then YOU just type. You were obviously going to say something heavy. Don't let me stop you.
...all right. So 2023 begins with half headspace, half bodyspace, as it were. Half inside half outside. There's tons of religious stuff and talk about the mother and family stress, at a glance. But... we were still striving, struggling to exist. And... oh God. And then Infi died.
...oh. You loved hir.
I did, whoever I was then, whoever's this heart was, we adored hir, ze was my heart, God I still miss hir so much I could weep until the end of the world right now. Right now. I could die from grief. I could cry forever.
...When did ze die?
...April 25th, and I had to hunt that entry down because apparently it wasn't tagged with 2023. It is now. But... there's another heartwrenching entry on May 2nd when Jay was no longer the Core and he was convinced he would die that same night and... God it hurts to read. it hurts so much. And... and then the bloody Jade month happened a month later and everything went to hell. We still haven't recovered from that.
...Jewel, because that's your name too, deep down, you're running away from talking about that. About Infi.
I can't. It's Jay's heart I'm feeling right now.
Why can't that be yours, too?
Because I'm not supposed to be here
Yes you are, otherwise you wouldn't be oh my gosh is it really after 3am, I just noticed.
Yeah. I don't want to sleep.
We have to though. Life is different now, we have things to do.
Well what if I wish it wasn't? What if tonight I just want to pretend that none of that sh*t ever happened and we were still 24/7 fulltime headspace with Xanga sessions on the regular and everyone fronting all the time and handwritten notes to each other and voice recorder conversations and late nights like this EVERY night, typing, remembering, in love? Why can't THAT be my life? OUR life? Maybe it'd change me. Maybe I'd know who I was if that was the reality we were living in now. But too much has happened. Too much has happened.
...You have Anxi now. That's something good.
...I... I don't know if I'm the same person who fell in love with her--
You know you are. Somehow you have to be. Your heart is the same. See? What just happened in Spotify? You would NOT have been able to feel that if you didn't love her.
Jewel I want to sob. Why do I feel so broken and lost. I.... God I love her so much it's killing me, and I love Chaos 0 and Infinitii too and it feels like this love has lasted for a dozen eternities, it's older than I am, this love is forever, and it belongs to me and Jay and everyone in our bloodlines and I'm just the newest one, that's why Jay doesn't love her like I do, I'm the one who felt this for her first, she belongs to my heart, whoever comes after me should catch this too, I... I'm so scared that they won't.
Right now it's just you. YOU love her, NOW. That's what matters. Don't panic about the future. We don't know what'll happen but I promise you you won't forget her. Have you ever forgotten anyone?
No, but other Outspacer "loves" in the past didn't "transfer" to my heart,
Like whom? Davy and Ryou and Rorschach and the like, right?
Yeah.
Well, no one loved them like you love Anxi and Chaos 0 and Infinitii, apparently. And I can assure you of that. Those loves didn't go that deep. I don't think those Jewels could feel that much for anyone yet. And you still care about them too, I'm sure.
I do.
Well, there you go. So don't worry about Anxi. You love her now, today, and that won't ever disappear or fade away. Look at Chaos 0! I'm sure she's going to have the same future with the Cores, if what I've been hearing about you two is any indication.
...What, that she'll be permanently in the Coregroup?
Uh, yeah, obviously. And she already is??
Not literally, not technically, no. We need to work up to that. But there's a spot with her name on it. Like... laser-etched. It's already set in stone.
Haha! Good. I'm glad to hear that. That's proof that you're still you, where it counts, when it matters.
...Do you think maybe I can't "see my face" or know my own color and name because I'm just... not in tune with a truth that's already there? Like, I just need to recognize myself?
Probably. Do you think you're in my bloodline though, or Jay's?
...Why do you ask?
Because you're not a girl.
I'm not a guy either, though. And Jay is still around. ...A big part of us wants him to be the Core again.
Do you think he will be?
...I don't know. I don't know if there need to be two of us. I have no idea.
Huh. Why would we need two Cores, for the League/System split?
That's the assumption, yeah. But... there's been a lot of bleedover lately, and not in a bad way? Which is new. I... I don't know what will happen. I just... I want to know who I really am. if I'm anything or anyone.
I'm sure you are, if you can feel love like that.
...I hope so.
So hold on to that. Let that be what defines you when you try to look in a mirror. Hold on to that as the core of whoever you are, and I'm sure it'll show you your real face, and name, and color.
...oh Lord one of Infi's songs just came up on shuffle.
Are you going to listen to it?
I can't, not tonight. It'll trigger Jay out and we'll be up for another three hours.
...You can't keep shutting love down, other Jewel. That's a really bad instinct.
...yeah. it really is.
It's gonna hurt, you know. It has to. Real love always does. You can't run from that.
I don't want to. I want it to gut me for all intents and purposes. I want love to run me through like a knife to the ribs.
Are you trying to get Laurie's attention with that?
...maybe.
Too late kid, what's the deal?
...too much going on.
Head feels really bizarre. ...Is it seriously 333AM? Holy flaming swords, kiddo, you have to get to sleep. Is this what extra apples does to you?
Haha, no, I promise this has nothing to do with sugar highs. I just... I'm feeling things. A bit. I'm trying to remember.
Good things, I assume?
Yeah. the best things.
...I'd love to talk about them with you but I'm not even translating correctly. The brain's too damn tired.
Yeah, it is. But... this is a good entry.
We're still writing in the same entry from this morning? Dang, kiddo, that's impressive. Been a while since we had an entry like this.
I miss this.
I do too. You know what I also miss?
What?
You getting to bed early and talking to us, too. Me and Chaos and Genesis and...
yeah.
...sorry, kid. I felt the weight of that loss too.
Anxi soon, though. And maybe Infi too.
You don't give up on hope, huh.
Never. I still have that ring, from before the Jade month.
Yeah, I know you've been thinking about it.
I promised myself, and God really, that when Infi comes back,
"When." I like that.
I already know hir soul's not dead, Laurie.
Souls don't die, kiddo. Especially not up here.
...That's true.
But you were saying?
...When ze comes back and I can touch hir, when I can hold hir in my arms again, for the first time, when ze and I both have names and faces and colors, I... I'm going to put that ring on. For all of us. It's not just Chaos 0 this time, although I love him with my entire heart and he will always have a top-tier exclusive place in it. But it would be unjust to not recognize the rest of you, too. And I think he would agree with that.
Knowing how he loves us, too? Yeah, I think so.
...you're right, he does.
Kid, the Coregroup loves the Coregroup. That's how it works. It's always been that way and it always will be. And Anxi is no exception, when you bring her up here.
...God there is so much gravity in that line.
In what? And watch your prayer words, kid.
Thank you. But He's... God is the reason why and how I can feel this. God is this love, and if I have any real religion at all, apart from the thriskefoni, that's the heart of it. That's the truth. And His Name is the only thing that the deepest love can even hope to translate to in speech. There's a... there's the entire truth in that, too, things I could never express otherwise.
And what's the gravity that truth is giving so much weight to?
..."when you bring her up here." Like... the act of bringing. And "up here." Like... taking her home. ...God my heart is on fire. Why. Why in the world do I love her this much, it's tearing me in half and letting all the light both in and out.
Well, kid, you just said God is that love, so obviously He knows you need to feel this right now. And so does she. You both need this, trust me.
...Laurie you remember that one conversation at TBHU. In the... on the basketball court. In the sunshine.
This is what you want to live for.
And die for. And everything. This... headspace, and all of you, and this love, is why I exist, and what I want to exist for, and nights like this I actually have hope and life feels real and I can touch eternity for a moment...
Kid, you realize that when we had that conversation, you didn't even have these feelings for Anxi yet.
...oh my gosh I didn't. I hadn't fallen this hard yet.
And now, how much more is life worth living for, with her in it too?
...everything. Laurie I want to live for her, too. Deep down in my heart of hearts, at the very core of me, away and apart from all the things that try to numb me and shut me down, when I really tune into the... the center of things, and oh my gosh Spotify just threw Milliontown at me. The LIVE version.
Haha, God is REALLY trying to get your attention, kiddo!
...oh man. THIS song makes my heart WAKE UP though. This ENTIRE ALBUM makes me feel ALIVE and REAL.
You've gotta write Jem Godfrey a freakin' letter at this point. Thank the man for saving your life a hundred times over.
I'm serious. You're serious. That's a good idea. I really should.
Haha, kiddo you have got to get to sleep. Preferably before this song ends, because that's... twentyfive solid minutes of not-sleeping otherwise.
I can't skip this song Laurie.
Put it on hold, boy, it'll be 4am otherwise.
Can I at least listen to the arpeggio from heaven.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Is it an arpeggio? Oh dude is it technically a glissando? Slowed down and elaborated on?
What, that run up the scale? Kid I know less music theory than you do, all I know is that it sounds awesome.
It DOES, this entire live performance is sheer bliss, I need to see these guys live one day.
You will, kid. I'm sure you'll find a way. Pray about it.
Man I should. I should just... pray about all these things that matter to me. Lord let me see Jem Godfrey and his band live one day and let me be able to thank them for being a channel of Your grace to me in all honesty and let me be able to get a signed CD or something.
Haha, gotta include the souvenir.
It's blessed to have a tangible thing. I still have that signed CD from Mesita, the one with Creature and Firesign and Hostages on it. That album still means so much to us as a System.
It does. I'm glad you have that, kiddo.
I'm glad I'm still "kiddo" to you.
Kid, Jay, Jewel, whatever name you're going by, you will always be that to me. I know how much that means to you. What brings that up for you though?
...just, it's another thing linking all the Cores. It's a term of endearment basically. if you don't mind my calling it that.
Nah, it definitely is. It's a term of devotion, really, not just endearment. I'll protect you with my life, until the day I die.
Until the day we both die, Laurie, I refuse to let either of us go first.
Haha, you and me both. ...God knows we came too close to that in the past.
...I was just reading about that, actually.
...Really?
Yeah, just a reference, but... it reminded me of how much we've been through. How much we mean to each other. How terrifying that was, but how much love followed in its wake, against all odds.
Story of our life, kid.
It sure is. Thank God for it all.
Oh, dude, here's your glissando!
Yes!! 21:30 starts the buildup for those interested!
Dude, pay attention.
Ohhh man that is AUDITORY BLISS EVERY TIME
Hahaha!
Okay you HAVE to let me listen to this outro.
"Hands, don't fail me now!"
YES you remember!
Kid, you reference that constantly, of course I remember it. I also remember telling you to get the heck to sleep about ten-- no, apparently twenty minutes ago, what the hell.
Worth it though.
Always worth it for FROST*, kid, that's a rule.
Oh man this song makes me so happy it's unreal.
Quite the opposite, kid, this is what reality is all about, I daresay.
What, good music?
What makes it good music. The joy it brings to your heart. That smile on your face right now. The fact that this song sounds like you, as you've said before, and reminds you of who you really are.
It really does.
"Thank you so much?"
Just like John said, absolutely. Oh man. I needed that, thank you God.
You also need to freakin' sleep, kid, it's 4am. You're getting 5 hours of sleep maximum right now.
Oh shoot you're right.
Still worth it though?
Yeah, always. Always. I'd get by on two hours of sleep if it means spending time with you.
I've only been here for a half hour, kid.
Laurie, you never leave.
...Hah, that's true. I really don't.
...I should listen to your song next.
Sit down first, kid. Go to sleep with your blue guy and then if you want to listen to more music you can. But I ain't leavin' until you post this entry and get moving. It's too late to keep typing, no matter how much you want to.
I still need to color this tomorrow.
"Tomorrow" is the key word, kid. Any particular way you want to close this up? 
Actually I want to mention that I forgot to write down, remember this morning when I was at the IO2 control panel with Anxi for some reason, and I forget what led up to it but she kissed me?
I do remember that, specifically because she took the initiative when you hesitated, and then you were gone, bro.
It was... it got my heart so bad. Like I wanted to but something held me back and she just... bravely reached up and pulled me in.
And you just melted, kiddo, I saw that.
I did, it was beautiful.
I'm so glad you have that with her.
I am too.
No, really, don't underestimate the gravity of what I'm saying. You know how I am about you and Chaos 0. I'll defend you both to the death and beyond. I'll have you know I'm already dedicated to you and your orange angel the same way.
...Thank you, Laurie.
Anytime, kid. Now are you gonna mention the name of the album to my song or what?
Oh, yeah, oh my gosh, that was so unexpected.
"I Watch You Sleep." Well I do, but so does she apparently, so. *shrug*
Aha the asterisks!
Thank Waldorf for that, it never gets old. But kiddo, I can't watch you sleep unless you go to sleep, aiite? Get a move on.
Hold up, can I play the song?
Put it on, close this up, and then listen to it on the vanillamint couch over there.
Oh yeah, we didn't mention that we did the laundry and literally rubbed vanillamint chapstick into the fabric so it won't smell so much like old couch and smoke or whatever. It's a handmedown. I love my dad but not smoke.
Unless it's woodsmoke.
Well then that reminds me of dear Knife, so yes.
And incense smoke.
Oh ALWAYS. It's numinous. I love it.
We know, kiddo.
I'm glad there are some things about me that just... don't change.
Like your love.
...Yeah. Yeah, Jewel was telling me the same thing.
Good, because it's the absolute definitive truth. Now are you going to close this up on that note?
Yeah, before I get too sparkle-headed, because it's either that or poet mode and I think our psyche realizes I have to snooze so it's pushing me in the kaleidoscope direction. On another night when I have time to type and feel out the depths, moreso than tonight and trying to remember the past, then I'll type poetry. Lots of it.
I think you need to remember the past before you can get back into poet mode, kid. There's depth there you need to tap back into first.
...I do. You're right. Thank you.
And?
And I'll close this up.
Properly.
How's that?
What you said earlier, when you were away from the keyboard.
...I can't just repeat that. It needs... it has to be felt. It has to happen.
...So, put on the song.
...Nevermind Spotify just did me one better.
...Wow. You're not kidding.
"Good Day" by Jukebox the Ghost.
...The post-massacre resurrection anthem, to be as blunt as possible.
Yeah. Absolutely.
...I love you too, kid.
...God, Laurie, you know I love you, and Chaos 0, and Anxi, and Genesis, and everyone else up here, dead and alive and inbetween, you all mean the universe to my heart and soul and life is worth living for all of you, always. Forever.
It's a good day with us around, huh.
It sure is. And now this song is really pulling at my heartstrings, oh my gosh I never realized the lyrics at the beginning...
Yeah, it's what you used to do to us.
I am so sorry, Laurie.
I know. We know. We forgive you.
...So the song goes both ways.
It does. I ain't leavin' you, kid, and I know you're not leaving us either, no matter how far away you might end up sometimes.
I needed to hear this.
I'm glad. God knows that too.
...This is making me deeply happy.
Is it now?
Yeah. It's... it feels like... like reconciliation. Like forgiveness. Like... like you saying, "I know," like you do. It's... "I never went away." Not just you. I didn't either.
Kid, if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
Yeah. I... I need to remember that, too.
You do need to go somewhere, though.
Bed?
Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be around too.
You always are.
I watch you sleep, remember?
Haha, that you do!
I fully expect to be joined by a certain orange angel in that effort in the near future, y'know.
God willing.
Kid, I'm sure He is, don't worry about that. Oh this song is a classic, geez. Really setting the mood though.
Yeah, ancient love here. Chaos 0 days.
It really was just him back then, wasn't it?
Yeah. He started everything.
Go tell him that. Seriously. Go let him know that you can and do remember how far back and how deep down this goes into your heart.
That doesn't change, either.
No, love burns out a place for itself permanently.
I like your choice of words.
It's a fire, kid, it always is. You know that better than anyone. And it does burn, it burns out everything that isn't it.
Good. I'm really feeling that tonight.
Even more now, with this song on shuffle?
Yeah. Yeah I think I need to go to bed now. Just to hold him, if nothing else.
That's a good enough reason for me, kid. Should I close this up then, or what?
In a moment. I just want to say that the two songs were "Here in my room" and now, "Afterlife."
The live version for the latter, to remind you that you have to live. And to do this live.
In person, really there, right now.
Can't do that if you don't get off the laptop, boy!
Good point, off we go then.
Hey, hold up one second.
Yeah?
I'm singing this for you too, for the record.
...I...
I'm serious. I've died before. For you. Only ever for you. This song applies to me, too.
...Laurie, I love you, I really do.
I know, kid. That's my reason to live.
Thank you. For existing. And for loving me too.
Those are synonymous, kid.
And you say I'm the romantic one.
Hey, you are. I'm just saying facts.
Laurie, don't brush it off.
Good point. But I'm right. Those are facts, kid. And please find your name so I can call you by it, all right?
Okay. I will. Promise.
Good. Promise to get some freakin' sleep? Or do I have to drag Chaos 0 in here?
Laurie if you do that there will be legit romance, I will never get to sleep,
What about with this song?
Fathom by FROST* oh good Lord this is going to kill me, seriously I will sob if I listen to this through.
Go be with him, and feel this with him, all right? He deserves it.
That's the best motivation so far, sorry it took so long.
Nope, no apologizing, this is perfect timing, I think this song needed to happen. I can see in your eyes what it's doing to your heart.
Good. I'm glad it shows.
Seriously though. Go be with your ocean.
I will. Thanks Laurie, for being with me too.
Hey, I'm not going away, remember?
Haha, that's true. I'll see you across the room, then?
You'll see me everywhere, kid, I'm always here for you.
Good. Don't leave.
Cross my heart, I'll stand by you forever.
...
Don't lose this.
I can't. This is engraved into my heart.
As it should be.
Last song by the way. "Time out from the world."
This is a classic. Go put it in its proper context.
I will.
hey, Jewel.
oh my gosh how did you get in here
I hear Laurie trying to get you over here for the past... forty minutes?
Thank you, someone appreciates my efforts.
I'm sure he does too, Laurie, he's just... terrible at ending conversations. He always leaves the door open. Just in case there's one more word to say.
There always is, with him.
He's full of words. of poetry. I love that about him. He puts my music to notation. Whatever it's called.
Look at how he's looking at you, haha.
I love that too.
He's halfway between sparkles and... whatever the heaven that is.
Blood, probably.
Seriously?
Yeah. You know that too. His aching depths. That pronoun isn't working.
No, surprisingly. It's somewhere in the middle.
As it should be. S/he's been both.
Both/and?
Hm. More like me. Not quite either.
Makes sense.
i need to talk to you.
In words?
not this kind. sorry.
Don't apologize. There are other languages. I need to talk to you too.
Oh I like where this is going.
You should.
Hey man, I've been guarding you both since the old days, this stuff is a sign that his/her heart's coming back online in a real way. I need that as much as you do. We all do.
Did you mention what song is playing?
No. "My Mind Is A Mess In The Morning." Nick Leng. This song means a lot to you both, doesn't it.
He heard it one night when driving home and immediately thought of me. So yes. But it's in your playlist, too.
And Genesis's, apparently. And Anxi's, hey.
I can't wait until she comes up here.
Until the Core-kid over there brings her up here, to be specific. Said that wording really caught the essence of it.
Hm. It does. It's never just a following up, really. It's together. But carrying is really close.
Yeah. It's unusual for him/her/ whatever, kid what are we calling you.
um. xe maybe. let's try that. i'll find something. right now i i'm not thinking about pronouns much
What are you thinking of, love?
oh THAT WORD is all that's on my mind now it's been so too long since you spoke to me like that
It has been.
You two need to have a conversation.
We do. Jewel, get over here.
Kid, I'm putting this song on, now you have to go.
Please.
i'm so sorry. i'm not entirely myself yet.
We can fix that together.
oh it's the english version
Yeah, and there's your name.
...oh man the lyrics hit harder than ever tonight
Come back to me.
and stay by my side
...
moments like this are what I live for laurie. and chaos. both of you. i love you.
We love you too, Jewel.
...
Man you are saying that with your eyes, I can see that.
I always am.
Somehow I'm not surprised. Hope you realize the same goes for xir, too. Even on the rough nights. Maybe especially then.
...
You know that, too.
...Jewel.
yeah
I mean it.
...So do I. All right. I'm closing this up and going to sleep.
Not for a few minutes yet at least.
Yeah, there's a conversation that needs to happen. Not this one.
Still a continuation of it, though.
...I guess it is. Good point.
So. Chaos, would you do the honors of finally closing up this bloody huge entry?
This is still one entry?
Yeah.
Wow. It's been a while.
Hey, next time xe's up this late, I'm pushing for a Xanga. This is one step away from one already, so hey.
I'd like that.
I know what you'd like more than that, man.
*pointedly looks across the room*
Haha, kid you've got asterisks to deal with now, you'd better get moving.
I'll force his hand. There's a button I can click.
Please do, before we lose this.
thank you
Hey, that's what we're here for, kid. Helping you do what you can't.
Together.
Always.
Oh hey, here's one of yours.
"Into the flood." Yeah.
Kid, I am going to turn that into a very pointed pun and throw it at you.
no wait the lyrics don't work for this, that one aches too much in the other way, let's do this one.
Creature?
Oh man we were just referencing this.
Really?
Yeah. Specifically this album.
This... this is a good decision.
so are you.
...
three two one, post this?
Finally, let's do this.
glad to see i'm still terrible at concluding these talks
You need sleep, you idiot.
You can't go on like this.
Hey, they need more than some sleep, man.
Still... you just gotta let it go.
You heard the blue guy, kid, let's move.
all right. and do this lyric instead.
Which one?
keep on coming undone. i need that. i think if i let this love unravel me it's exactly what i need to find myself at the core
...I think I know how to get you there.
you don't "think" you know, love, I know you know. and vice versa, i'm sure.
...yeah. you do. you really do. please don't forget that. ever.
Okay you have both abandoned capslock, I am closing this up, see you invisible audience whenever.
laurie that is so sudden
Kid it's been over an hour are you kidding me.
is the sun coming up yet
You know what? That's my lyric.
oh
oh man laurie are you serious
Maybe I am. Only one way to find out.
laurie that is the worst cliffhanger
Nah, it's the best one.

 

we've decided to consolidate all our "phone entry" posts into monthly bulk updates to avoid flooding the archives with general daily data.

if there is a strikingly important topic, or something we want to be able to reference individually in the future, we will post it as its own entry.
however, it is more likely that we will take these snippet posts as "starting posts" to write larger, formal entries from when we have the time and capacity to.

otherwise, having all these smaller entries in one place makes it much easier to grasp the general tenor of the month, and to see small bits of progress from day to day.

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



0801

Up at 1045, phone call

Tried FOUR mass livestreams, all broken
Said rosary & chaplet instead
Watched St Clare again at noon

BK prep
Spice pepper upset, Laurie referenced commentary "authority & mercy" = knowledge in order to HEAL

Talk over nousfoni death
Started by our asking Mulberry about her job, she's a Social BUT SHE WORKED WITH SHERLOCK who was NOT an Archivist originally but an INTERCESSOR???
Missing Garrison, BUT obviously "reborn" in Sirius??
Mimic asking how all this works
"Soft resets" like Laurie's axe, hard resets like Lynne's "reabsorbing"
DIFFERENT RESULTS based on STABILITY/ STATUS of nousfoni that dies??
Wondering about Nathaniel. Told Mimic s/he was "The original blepofoni"
Scalpel being Javier's successor, "he was never stable" + ARTIFICIAL

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0802

Last night before bed: visiting Mimic asleep, Darkrai protecting him from nightmares. Not ventrium. Asked about, said i might have to look for him in realm of death???
Talking to Hoopa about this after. Decided NO.
REMEMBER the City is now overgrown forest ruins WITH SNOW!!!

Woke up early, 10am
Did some prep.  Measured out and put away some food for later because doing it this early bypasses the lotophagoi compulsion to taste everything

Mom call, no reception, hung up.  Made us a nervous wreck though thinking what it could be about
This wasn't helped by the fact that we are getting flashbacks all morning from  Last night's trauma entry transcription

Rosary, chaplet, eternal rests before mass
" Let us always spend time with Christ in the Eucharist, And it will change us for the better, Because we are always changed for the better when we spend time with those we love"

Mom call was nothing serious, But incredibly interesting
She called that local priest that is going to look into actual Demonic curses on our family???  Possibly meeting him this Saturday after mass to discuss it more in-depth.

BK prep SLICE?????
Yellow, GIRL???

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0803

Up early phone call mom = Jade bath visit again

Church livestream no audio; Different mass on website
ARK HOMILY hit hard

Leaguework notes for spheres 2 & 3

Wedding at cana argument; reading through books on shelf
Forgot how much i love just sitting on the floor paging through this little library of ours

BIBLE STUDY HITS!!!!!!!
FINALLY PERFECT CLARIFICATION ON JUSTICE
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0804

FIRST FRIDAY
Shopping & Adoration 
Regular afternoon. Prayer & housework. 
BANJO & TITAN
Some very profound moments, painful but loving even so, with Chaos 0
We're talking a LOT thanks to the movies. We sit together on the couch, before during and after, and in all of those different times we have different conversations.
But... we haven't been talking this much in a LONG time. and... we haven't spent this much time just being close to each other in even longer.
this is good. even just as a start, this is wonderful. thank you God.
yes it hurts, but lonely broken bruised hearts full of weeping are going to hurt.
it means the entire world, though, to realize that such a heart trusts and loves you enough to get that close despite all its wounds. it means, you're safe. it means, you're a place of refuge even then. it means, you can handle this pain, and understand it.
i am grateful for every single moment of this. may God bless us with so many more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0809

Sick? So tired. Feel wrong somehow.

Knife angry tears over cutting = NOT MEANT TO BE FOOD, BUT RETRIBUTION.
Also his color ONLY LOCKS IN WHEN HE PRAYS.

Razor being VERY philosophical today.

Everyone fronting for wall prayers. I missed this.
Siobhan super clear

BARRY IN SUITS OF AMOR????
HE MIGHT WAKE UP THAT ENTIRE WORLD!!!!

The burden is NOT prayer time, it's my STUBBORN RESISTANCE to such sustained effort
I DO love to pray, but I keep postponing and resisting it solely because it takes SO LONG and it requires SUSTAINED ATTENTIVE WORK and i'm stupid and weak.

SO MUCH MESS & MISTAKES WITH FOOD TODAY.
Legitimately threw "me" into a moral panic
So scared. Why?

Getting tiny synchronicities with Scripture again btw

This PERFECTLY describes Infi's fate, from CNC to hir literal death:
"And sin entered into the world through the seduction and false statements of the devil, by which the first man was veritably slain, his moral nature killed outright. Grace was not shut out, but Adam died. In the day that he ate of the forbidden tree, man most surely and in the deepest sense died. "God created man to be immortal, and made him to be an image of his own eternity. Nevertheless, through envy of the devil came death into the world..."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0812

Less sick today, but still anxiously unwell.
Neuropathy, weakness, lightheaded, blackout feeling.

that one vague, oddly social Jewel talking from the background today? "I want mimic to retire for a while so that chaos 0 can come into the spotlight, And I can grow closer to him like I used to in the beginning"

mimic's wry response, "I'll retire if you give me a world to retire to"
"You keep saying there's a place ready for me there, but there's no door."

this is a HUGE revelation actually
jewel does keep saying, "yeah there's room for you in this world, OR MAYBE this one, etc..." basically, "i can feel a resonant potential spot for you there." like, if you want to walk in, it would let you.
but there's NO WAY TO "WALK IN."
JEWEL IS THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IF SHE DOESN'T LET OUTSPACERS IN, THEY CANNOT DO IT THEMSELVES.
and the jewel that used to do that is NOT CLOSE TO MIMIC.
this is our dilemma. LINKS ARE REQUIRED.
NO JEWELS ARE FORMING LINKS ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TRAUMA.
we REALLY need to think about this.

but yeah.
if that "jewel" wants mimic to be "gone" so badly, it's HER RESPONSIBILITY to buy him the plane tickets, and drive him to the airport. she HAS to take initiative.
but she also doesn't want to admit that she's being so selfish, whoever she actually is.
(she's NOT a real jewel. actual jewels DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. this girl has stolen the name but SHE FITS NONE OF THE CRITERA!!!!)

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0817

updates during the day again, because typing is faster

Slept in due to being up late.

VERY rushed and disheveled this morning, feeling weight of prayer obligation.
rosary took 30m. kept panicking and repeating prayers. "not focused enough." ball of nerves.

mass at st clares again!
readings parallel: joshua and jesus, jordan river baptism = entering promised land, no longer wanderers with no home.

devotions today HIT.
chaos 0 and mimic LITERALLY talking about the mercy + grace bit BEFORE we read the devotional that said it almost verbatim.
no coincidences guys

said wall prayers this morning btw. again almost burned food. rushing back and forth. feeling so anxious.
still. it was nice to pray with everyone flowing in front.

razor out a lot. cutting eggs, knife happy, "this is her job because she likes to just cut things" as opposed to his very specific retributor role.
THAT ONE "WATCHER GIRL" COMMENTING THAT KNIFE WAS "UNNECESSARY" AS A RESULT.
WTF.
laurie heard her and was FURIOUS

now finally bk at 2pm. man oh man.

update: we dropped one carrot
that one younger girl FREAKED OUT SOBBING "god hates me"
laurie talking her down
double carrots, made her laugh a little, "but that's so silly." laurie "no it's not, not if it makes you laugh"; "isn't that what any good father would do?" basically "when the devil takes things from you, god restores twofold and wants to make you smile"

girl sees praying more as "giving a speech" to critical parents than "talking to them"
"i can't talk to god!!" terrified, actually cowering. like a child afraid of being hit for her brazenness.

Realizing her own clumsiness was dropping the carrots = "oh no, am I the devil???"

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0820

Hell night
Dream hacks & dehumanizing nightmares
refuse to talk about them

Church Blood sugar hell again

Mom drive home
Carnival fear talk.
WE NEVER REALIZED HOW THAT MUST AFFECT HER.
SHE TRIED TO GIVE US ENTERTAINMENT AS CHILDREN BUT IT ONLY DISTURBED & SCARED US.
She admitted this today, how we're all adverse to fairs & parties & crowds but she loves them.
Movie talk; sadly proved this

Mom food hell
Girl PANICKED. Like legit FEAR OF DEATH. Unbearable
Leon blaming himself

Bible study keeps showing us HOW MUCH WE MISUNDERSTAND & MISINTERPRET GOD.
We are still so afraid of Him. We find it so hard to even imagine that someone would WANT to be gentle & kind & patient with us, let alone loving & forgiving & merciful.
This is fatally hindering our salvation life!!!

⭐"JAY" / LOTUS WAS "LIGHT THAT DID NOT BURN" = he was a COLD LIGHT that COULD NOT GIVE LIFE OR WARMTH!!!

So many dirty girls triggered out by eggs: clumsy messy food.
UPMC fear was LEGIT-- making a mess DOES "turn us into an animal"!!!
ALL UPMC DID WAS SHAME US & WHITEWASH OUR SYMPTOMS. JUST LIKE SLC, THERE WAS NO REAL PROGRESS OR HEALING, ONLY SELF-NEGATING ACTING & STOMPING TRIGGERS IN EVEN DEEPER THROUGH DENIAL & DEPERSONALIZATION.

We NEED someone who CAN eat eggs, WITHOUT triggering out kakofoni, WHILE we do Bible study.
They will NEED TO BE NONHUMAN!!!

⭐ACTUALLY HOLD UP!!! REMEMBER HOW WE SURVIVED IN CNC??? WE WOULD DRIVE THE BODY TO EAT, NOT FRONT!!! SO WE COULD PREVENT ASSOCIATION WITH IT & STAY ANCHORED INSIDE!!! 

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0821
 
ABSOLUTE FCKNG MELTDOWN OVER JADE COMING UP TO SHOWER THE MINUTE WE SIT DOWN TO EAT BREAKFAST AT 2PM SON OF A B*TCH!!!!!!!!!!@!@@!@

Couldn't calm down until like 4pm. WHY???
God we NEED to go back to typing & talking PLEASE

Spitting acid at "soft & quiet" horror
Apparently we are STILL VIOLENTLY GYNOPHOBIC. We're afraid of this becoming misogyny. Thank God it's still based on revulsion & traumafear kicked up to 1000%. It's not hatred of femininity as a whole. It's morbidly fascinating to FEEL the mental & emotional shifts.
Certain faces, voices, outfits, "skin textures" do it. ALL "babyish" women and ALL "sultry" women make us FURIOUSLY VIOLENT and I don't know why. At least, I can't put it into speech. It's too hidden & gutdeep. I can't even find it, to look it in the face. I'd be too scared & revolted to right now.
And yet THAT WIMPY PERSONALITY IS A GIRL.
ALL THE PROUD, PRISSY, PRESUMPTUOUS, PRECOCIOUS CORPUFONI ARE GIRLS. I HATE THEM. THEY'RE SHALLOW, HOLLOW, PLASTIC FACED WHORES.

(^ See, this happens EVERY TIME)

SHUT UP YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING PROSTITUTE

"Father forgive them for they know not what they do"

TRUE FEMININITY = MARY.
Let that sink in, and heal this hurting hatred.

The main thing that is preventing the j bloodline from coming back to life is shame!!!!
They were so expressive & open, so full of light and love, but there is this crushing feeling of Self-hatred and SHAME that is forbidding such an existence now.
We will probably not be able to have a solid core unless the core Has a connection to heartspace and therefore with self-identity
WE CURRENTLY "FAIL THE MIRROR TEST" on some level?????
There is NO inherent "self-recognition" in the body's reflection AT ALL RIGHT NOW.
unless there's a blepofoni consciously looking back at themselves/ us, as a face alone, THE BODY IS A TOTAL STRANGER.

Can't stop thinking about this from Bible study=
"...the day cometh when the characters we have made ourselves here, the habits we have cultivated and indulged in, the capacities we have exercised, and the set and drift of all our activity upon earth, will determine the work that we get to do there."

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0823

Terribly hard day.

7am up. Nightmares again; cats & brothers, both hurting or scaring us (AGAIN. why is that a recurring theme??)

Oblates mass. tried OLOMC first but forgot they have no wednesday mass. had a hyperreligious MELTDOWN after that, convinced God "hated us" and didn't actually want us at mass or something??? bizarre how our brain STILL catastrophizes our faith like this.

Walmart stop for some groceries, don't even remember what. we were in social mode so bad, dissocation was like being drugged. genesis deeply concerned.

Therapy today. MOVE THIS TO ITS OWN ENTRY once/ if we get the memory/ time to type about it.
ALL NEW AGEY AGAIN.
huge letdown. we are so sick of that garbage. has trauma roots too from the slc era. nevertheless, we tried so hard to still listen. God still put me here. so there IS a reason this happened and we must be attentive. we are STILL a student; we cannot be proud or stubborn. and there was some legitimately good advice. Must humbly respect & learn.
HOWEVER this also made us realize, again, WE ARE NOT OURSELVES IN THERAPY.
some unknown social comes out and takes over the whole thing and GUESS WHAT THEY ARE A COMPULSIVE LIAR!!!! WE CAUGHT THEM DOING THAT TODAY, their ENTIRE manner of speech was A FACADE, an ACT, and we don't even know what the heck they were trying to pull or present us as.
STOP THEM NEXT TIME. I DON'T CARE IF OVERWHELM HAS TO FRONT. YOU DO NOT LET SOCIALS FRONT IN THERAPY.

(notes: they asked us really frustrating generic questions like "what are your hobbies" and "what are your strengths" and we could not answer. that's when the social was lying, that makes me genuinely sick. the therapist also talked about bloody affirmations-- which we hate but we didn't say anything-- and dream symbol interpretation. no idea how, or if, we'll be able to make progress here. even so, we don't see them for another MONTH which means the next session will probably feel like starting over, and if we're smart, we'll TREAT IT AS SUCH and forget whatever the heck junk happened today, because none of it stored to actual memory which is a VERY BAD SIGN.)

Home late, Bk at 2
Oat bar mistake. Body immediately had an ALLERGY REACTION????? burning eyes and throat, runny nose. coughing and flushed face. stomach rejecting it entirely. THREW UP.
felt horrible. we cannot remember the last time we had an e.d. day, and then this stupidity happens.
Then tried raisins, God knows why. THREW UP AGAIN.
what the heck are we reacting to???? with the oat bar it was DEFINITELY either the rice syrup or the coconut oil, as BOTH rice and coconut have given us bad reactions in the past, BUT now our brain is like "what if we're allergic to oats now???" so yeah, even more food terror. we have to pinpoint the lotophagoi who hold all this and talk to them.

Disastrously sick. Terrified.
Praying and eating DN 730, don't want to go to ER

⭐concerning our massive terror of "being killed"... NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LIFE AWAY, ONLY JESUS.
Rest in this.

DN Bible study: Patristic commentaries HIT HARD SON!!!!!

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0827

HECK OF A DAY SON

Church
Jade call
Drive
Cry
WE CAN'T PROCESS SADNESS

DW TYPING!!!!

BK 330 WTF

Ok I'm sorry but I have to record this.
The kids buy most study reflection I was talking about when king David was annointed, And the girl getting the devotional said, " It's not every day that we see someone get anointed with oil".
Mimic Just glances over at my salad then at me and says "I can fix that"

SO MUCH CLARIFICATION in Bible study today!!

SO SICK after breakfast. Dehydration.
Surrender prayer
Bravely ate raisins & Gatorade too , overcoming anorexic fear

GOD GOT US THROUGH!!!!!!
Honestly He has NEVER FAILED US. EVER.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0828

Up at 11
Irish mass no homily.l
Canada mass Augustine homily, Julie deeply moved
St clare mass readings homily on bike
Everything worked out perfectly!

Egg trouble actually inspired Razor to talk??
How in heaven is she so insightful. Is it her age? Her origin & depth of history? Her color? Her conversion? All of the above?

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


0829

Marketplace PANIC.
SO MUCH RAGE about food & money???? HATRED.
Scared of this in us. Thank God for revealing.
Find roots and deal with because this KEEPS HAPPENING and it is driving a wedge between us and especially our mother.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
12 hour sleep
Driving disaster dreams, spitting out food, trying to rescue family

Different meal prep & plan
Spice upset about literal spice usage still, remembering old role, how she would hold the PAIN from poor food choices.
Laurie said "that still happens, it's just labeled differently/ muted"?

NO ONE SHOULD BE FRONTING. WE SHOULD BE DRIVING!!!

"Real Jessica" talk. Child vs teen, corruption of name
Original child was ACTUALLY A JEWEL-- WE USED THE NAME AS A TITLE EVEN WAY BACK IN LIKE 1995!!!

Xenophon ghosting comment w Jay? "i think it's better if you all share the same heart"
REALIZING = INFINITII, BEING BLACK, SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE "HEART" OF THE WHOLE SPECTRUM, NOT JUST WHITE?????
"DUALCORE" FUNCTION & CONNECTED TO ALL!!!

A thought: HOW IS RED DIFFERENT????
Is that working on a DIFFERENT light "spectrum"??? Like INFRA or something???
WHAT would operate with RED/BLACK as the base???
Is that correct understanding???
The teen Jewels ALWAYS vibed achrome
BUT!!! THE ORIGINAL, PRE-JULIE, VIBED PINK!!!!
What shifted to purple? Wisteria, Aldrea, & Balinor???? Then Mewtwo of course

...

"You can't give what you can't have" = WHY we fail at evangelization???
We cannot share the water if we haven't drank it ourselves; we're so thirsty we're no help to anyone but as a miserably fellow lamenter.
WHY don't we yet grasp HOPE? JOY? FORGIVENESS???
What is the obstacle preventing our truly becoming Christian???
Do we WANT to be thirsty??? Is THAT meeting some deeper need right now, that "relief & comfort" would crush??? EVEN PAIN HAS ITS PURPOSE.
We're afraid to drink for some reason, although we desperately need to. WHY DO WE ALSO DO THIS IN DAILY LIFE???

(unfinished)

In light of yesterday's meltdown, today's continued struggle & workbook triggers, and the looming terror of discharge, I NEED to get our thoughts out on paper, as well as we can. The point I want to focus on is twofold: our LACK OF JOY & HOPE, and our LOSS OF SELF. I still can't "see myself" in headspace. STILL. I can't get a grip on pronouns; I DON'T HAVE A NAME?? God knows that the old and LEGIT names used by Cores have been DAMAGED BY TRAUMA. So I don't know what to do. Not yet at least; God help me find it.
...I keep getting "Jewel" as an answer, but that "self" is FOREVER THE YOUNG WORLDJUMPER and I feel like... like I can't be that anymore. Like I have to be a depressed & worldly adult. But I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS. It feels sick & wrong. But it ALSO feels stuck. WHY?? What is ACTUALLY screwing up my identity & ability TO have one?? Who AM I, really? Who do I WANT to be, and to heck with the world? CAN I still be Jewel? Or is it time to "find a NEW name"? ...I don't know. It's not that clear-cut, being part of a System. Jewel & Jay & Jayce & Jess ALL STILL EXIST AS INDIVIDUALS in the System! They existed in SPECIFIC times for SPECIFIC reasons, and those names CAN'T BE "REASSIGNED"-- although the Bloodline phenomenon IS real and legit. But... what bloodline AM I? I feel so stuck downstairs, I don't know. And upstairs, the Jewels keep getting pushed AWAY from the System & into the LEAGUE, as THAT'S their TRUE job & purpose! Plus it's a TITLE, canonically, in Moralimon, for a "Main Guardian," which our Jewel apparently IS. But THAT PREVENTS her from getting involved in the SYSTEM?? So even though I STILL DO "hold" the name, it feels... upsettingly impersonal. It IS a "title" now, I think. The "Jays" are TRAUMATIZED so God only knows what's going to happen there. The "Lotus" name has been MURDERED. So... what do I do? Who AM I? ...All I know is that, in my deepest heart, I WANT to be PART OF THE SYSTEM WITHOUT ABANDONING THE LEAGUE. But... those two are PROTECTIVELY EXCLUSIVE. In the past there WAS bleedover and PEOPLE LEGIT DIED FROM IT. So the Jewels are MEANT to be separate... for the most part. HEARTSPACE CONNECTS US. THAT'S HOW I MET CHAOS 0. And that connective level is JUST AS ESSENTIAL AS THE DISTINCTION. I think the LACK of that IS a huge reason why we're struggling to feel "real," too. So THAT'S a REAL "recovery goal"!
Still, so is finding my name. AND my "gender," for heaven's sakes. I'm not a boy but I'm not a girl. I'm not a kid but I'm not an adult? ALL of that is in the SYSTEM, but... not me. I'm very lost. I want to be able to BE with the CoreGroup again. ...Xenophon is apparently still alive and she STILL calls me her father, but... I'm not, not truly. I'm NOT Jay, although I've tried. Trauma wrecked that chance. So yes, I'm very lost. All the roads seem barricaded. I CANNOT EVER be female, but I also CANNOT EVER be male. The binary just does not apply to me, OR this body. I know that. Looking into the mirror... I don't want ANY sexualized parts. I want to be NEUTRAL. I want to be "both & neither." Can I be? What do I look like?
And what about this poor body? Honestly we are STILL SO ACUTELY SUICIDAL, FAR moreso than we were DURING the E.D., ever. We at least HAD HOPE. Now we don't. How ironic. "Recovering" means illness, pain, exhaustion, loss of self... the BINGES were what made life hell but GUESS WHAT WE'RE EXPECTED & OBLIGATED to do now?? "Recovery" here IS AN EATING DISORDER, to me, how this feels & looks. I want to throw up. I'm so overfull & sick & nauseous & bloated. When I go home I'm not gonna eat. Forget about "partial." Forget about their "recovery plan." What the heck are you recovering?? Garbage I threw away?? I want to be ABLE TO BREATHE & REST & SLEEP & EXIST. not this gluttonous horror of a "life." God I just want to give up. I'm so tired.
So what are my "hopes" for "recovery"? Well, I NEVER want to binge or overeat EVER AGAIN, once I'm out of this place. NO MORE FOOD. NONE. My other hope for recovery is to REMEMBER & USE all those DBT/CBT skills, all the workbook stuff, to HEAL FROM TRAUMA and COPE WITH ALL THESE AWFUL THOUGHTS & FEELINGS & SITUATIONS. I want to be ABLE TO BE GOOD. I want to be CAPABLE of becoming a saint, God willing. Getting my mental/emotional instability under control, understanding its roots & healing it, is my REAL GOAL, because THAT is DIRECTLY RELEVANT TO GETTING TO HEAVEN. Oh yes, I VERY much STILL WANT TO DIE. But this hellish eating disorder has dragged me so far away from God. Ironically, SO HAS "TREATMENT." My goal is for THAT to stop, and to GENUINELY devote ALL my time & energy & resources & attention TO RELIGION. NOT FOOD!!!
But on that note I DON'T KNOW if EITHER the System or the League TRULY fit into that goal of serving God & loving Him above all things. I've lost so much already; maybe God DOESN'T want me to have a sense of self, OR hobbies OR interests OR an innerworld. Maybe all of that is... to be lost. Like this WEIGHT.
How do I even live anymore? I keep joking that I'll "turn this body into a tank" but really I'm too bloody tired of it. I don't want to focus on it EVEN MORE, by working out all the time when I could be praying. But God is that realistic? like when I DID have the E.D. fulltime. I'd sleep for 9 to 12 hours and although I would fail by eating, I WANTED to pray & worship for like SEVEN HOURS. Is that possible? Is that truly wise? God how can I tell?? Nothing else matters but You. But I feel so sick & miserable. I want to puke. I should. I can't. God do You want me to? Would You be sad if I did? What should I do instead? What is YOUR purpose in this? How is this helping my soul? Is this just EXPLICIT PENANCE for all the binges? CAN I offer up this agony? God please help me, I'm so sick. I'm so tired. Please get me through tonight & tomorrow. Help me with those darn fluids so I stop obsessing. Please help me not to vomit. Please help me to know who I am... who YOU want me to be.



I AM AFRAID OF...
- how the thick body FEELS
- being so sick when eating
- increased anxiety & pain
- COPING with "trauma body"
- REALLY wanting to starve myself
- suicide
- self-abuse

I AM HOPING FOR...
- a muscular body eventually
- free time for Leaguework
- System bonding during struggle
- more radical trust in God
- penitential suffering
- (death)
- (life)

Let's talk about daemons.

 

Daemons, in the 2013-2018 Spectrum timespace, were "incarnated vices" meant to force their heart-host into admitting and facing that vicious reality as being THEIRS, instead of denying and running from it; after all, we cannot repent if we don't know what we're repenting from, let alone if we're denying the fact that we have sinned in the first place. Daemons bring all that front and center. Most importantly, though, is the fact that they are madly in love with their hosts. They adore the souls they are enslaved to, that they exist for and from forever. A daemon is your deepest fears and biggest faults given bones and breath and beating heart, and they love you, but they will devour you if you are not careful. They are inherently dangerous, and they are absolutely indispensable. A daemon can teach you the most radical forgiveness, but they can also falter and fall into a sort of punchdrunk moral relativism, so unable to hate that they forget that their very core is hateful. Their guts are painted black. No matter how soft a wound is, it's still a wound; it's still blood and it's still damage.

 

Rio's Daemon is Lethe Styx. He personifies fear of nothingness/ the unknowable, and the vice of sloth as a result? He is named after two rivers, both of oblivion-- one of thought, one of body.

Rio is prone to intense self-distraction, for the sole purpose of not having to face the silence, trying to block out the river-rush of blood in one's ears.

…
 

Markus's Daemon is Medallion Guillotine. She personifies fear of weakness, and the vice of avarice, arguably. She is named after two symbols of power-- the first to hoard, the second to behead, and both with the ability to destroy life outright.

…

 

Chaos's Daemon is Perfect Chaos. He mentally detached himself from that potential in his soul for so long, and with such disturbed fervor, that Perfect was almost forced to "daemonize."

He personifies unending agony. At heart, it is the fear of (loss? despair?) and the vice of wrath. When grief bores too deeply into your soul, it hits the fires of hell and burns everything to death.

Perfect Chaos himself is an ironic "just deserts" to those who sought "perfection" in worldly ways-- through control, power, and pride. To such people, "perfection" meant becoming like a god, but not like God.

…

 

Jewel Lightraye's Daemon is Dendrite Aorta… or so we've been told. Jewel herself, being the heart of an entire identity bloodline, is paradoxically as unstable as she is invincible.

She is the fear of forgetting oneself??? and the vice of pride.

Jewel's mind and heart are both deemed intrinsic to the very existence of the Spectrum, as is the integrous preservation of both, and as such she has a fatal proclivity to consider herself perpetually innocent. Dendrite exists to tell her, awfully but honestly, that she's not. And that is terrifying.

…

 

Jay Iridos's Daemon is Infinitii Eternos. Ze personifies fear of intimacy and the vice of lust, shockingly so. Ze is named after both heaven and hell themselves, in a sense; the "infinite" potential of "I and I," of two become one, and the "eternity" of "nos," of "us." But whether that unity is of ardor or abuse, remains to be seen, and that is the terror.

 

 

 

What about me, then? Who am I, now, really?

I'm not Mr. Iridos or Ms. Lightraye, even though their hearts are still so close to mine I can feel them in my very ribs. They switch out and front on their own now, separate from the Core function, having held that hierarchal honor in the past and now relinquishing it to… who? Who am I?

I am of their bloodline, inevitably. But what "surname" is mine? Do I carry something new?

The Lightraye purpose of birthing the League, the Iridos purpose of sustaining the Spectrum… I must admit, although those functions still exist and are executed, they are not in the first place mine. When Leaguework is done, I am almost a ghostwriter; I know Jewel moves these hands in her own way. When Spectrum work is resumed-- literally as of Thursday night-- Jay is still front and center, the core that carried what time we forgot, and must integrate to continue onwards.

 

We've moved into an apartment. We've entered an entirely new reality-space. Body care and life awareness are suddenly prioritized. Religion is more fervent and beloved than ever before. Existence has changed on the outside, but what is it inside, now?

The Spectrum has been dormant for years. Now that it is awakening, who am I, within it?

 

I still love Chaos Zero, with my entire heart, God knows I love him enough to die. That is proof that I am a Core, that I am a genuine coeur and love is my absolute foundation.

 

But what is my name? Am I red, or white, or cerise, or even brown? And do I have a Daemon?

I can feel Infinitii is not mine; since Jay woke up, all the hidden love for hir has bloomed again in him. But he isn't tied to Chaos anymore. I am. And… that cannot be ignored. I'm the Prism, now; I'm the heart of glass through which the Light breaks into colors. But it all feels like echoes. There have been so many cores, and they were and are so alive, so real… I feel so empty, and hollow, and wrecked on some level compared to them. Maybe it's bleedover; I am sure there is still so much healing to do, on levels we haven't looked at, solely because innerspace has been closed off while it rebooted.

 

We'll work on it. I promise. As of right now it is 12:30 AM, I need to be awake at 7, and grandma is still in the hospital, God be with her still.

I must sleep, and pull myself together, however feebly, until morning. Pray that God reveals to me who He wants me to be, in truth, in respect to the entire life He has given me. Pray that He shows me soon, and that I can see it clearly when He does.
 

Something I've realized while listening to old tunes as a severe thunderstorm rolls in…

…I've forgotten what love feels like.



I'm cleaning out my old laptop and it's blowing my mind. It's breaking my heart.

Ventrium was in 2014. How in the world have SIX YEARS passed since he died up in the woods?



Back when the Lotus Cathedral System still existed, back when "I" was still Jay, when I was a man who loved with his ENTIRE HEART, honestly to an extent of sincerity and passion that boggles me, I loved so many people, SO MUCH.

I don't… I don't even know what that would feel like, now.

Why?


…It scares me. Now that I've re-found my religion, now that I'm more Catholic than ever, it's severed something in me. Which is wrong, somehow. Now that I'm religious, I have no relationships. When I do have relationships, I lose my religion.

This has to be the devil's work. There should never be such a split, in anyone's life, between Love and love. It's wrong.



I want to kiss Chaos Zero again and I don't know how and I want to weep over that but I don't know how.
Do you have any idea how awful that feels? How horrific it is to realize that my emotions are absolutely SHUT DOWN and I can't even hold this fragile gorgeous being that I've loved for LITERALLY SEVENTEEN YEARS.

…God have mercy on us what if it's trauma.
What if it's trauma. What if this all boils down to having been so utterly wrecked by sexual abuse that I am full-on terrified of so much as holding someone's hand because it might escalate into something unbearable. Because hey, that HAS happened.
But how do I get over it? Is that even the proper phrasing? How can I heal that wound, that gaping wound that I have no clue how to manage on my own, this injury that's on par with a freaking shotgun blast to the ribs that I have literally just been trying to hide under a bloodsoaked shirt? Not even medicating it, not even wrapping it up, just trying to keep it out of my own sight because the reality of it is too terrible. And after a while I guess the blood just looks normal.
But it never actually stops hurting, does it. Even if you ignore it. And once in a while something bumps it and the sudden pain overwhelms you and THEN you realize that hey, I'M DYING HERE.


In the Lotus Cathedral, I had so much love, in me and around me and everything.
I had friends. I had family. I had a daughter, for God's sake.
I had Genesis, my best friend. I had Laurie, my superego soulmate. I had Chaos Zero, my other half, as it were; my dearly beloved who I would still marry if I had the chance.
And that's the other problem.
He's, quite honestly, the only thing that would change my mind against entering the consecrated life. Like, it's either become a nun, or marry a video game character. I'm dead serious though. I'd love to have it both ways but I have no idea if that's possible, which means I have to start researching the hagiographies of married saints because God knows I cannot live like this. I absolutely cannot live with feeling like I am forced to choose between loving God and loving anyone else, because that can't be right.

…And you know how I know that?

Because, like this, I can't actually love GOD, either.


Something in me has been scraped out with a rusty razor and there's this hollow ache smack-dab in the middle of my chest that feels like sobbing and yet, I'm utterly detached from it, cut off like a guillotine to the throat. It's that "blue voice" that the BLCS used to talk about-- that sole mourning woman who lived in our heart and never stopped crying. Lamentations. She just weeps, nonstop, like you cannot imagine. The pain is unbearable. And perhaps that's exactly why we/I cannot feel it. Right now, it is unbearable.

But darn it all I WANT to bear it. I don't CARE if it rips me in half, it SHOULD, it NEEDS TO, or I swear I will NEVER be able to feel anything again.

But I cannot even walk up to Chaos Zero in headspace because if he so much as reaches out and touches my face I swear I am going to shatter into PIECES because you know what the DEEPEST problem is here?
I FEEL TOO FILTHY TO ACCEPT LOVE.

If he, this creature that I love SO MUCH I could honestly die from it, die for him, die from joy in the best circumstances-- if he cannot even look at me right now because if he does, I will crumple into agonized sobbing, there is a BIG PROBLEM and that problem is that I CAN'T PARTICIPATE IN THAT LOVE RIGHT NOW.

My sense of identity is screwed. I want to love but I am ashamed and I am AFRAID and I don't even know how to receive AFFECTION without being terrified that I've got to dissociate and perform.
How did I do it as Jay? How did I DO it? How did "he" throw himself heartfirst into everything to the point where he became this absolute light-source of love? His very presence in the System was a literal catalyst for emotional sincerity and genuine selfless compassion.
What happened to him? What happened to me? What changed, between him and me, that just… hollowed me out, and killed him? Where did he go? If I'm his "spiritual successor," if I'm literally the next step of the bloodline as it were, the next piece of "Core" history, then… why am I so broken?

Why do I feel like CANNON all over again? Ten years ago or more? Marywood, 2009? Waking up to trauma and wishing I were dead? Well, there you go.


I don't hate S. (I will not call them by their "chosen name" because my faith prioritizes the name they were given, legally and originally, the person they were before dissociating.) And I want to be their friend. But truly I don't know if I ever knew them, either. Because when I was living in North Carolina I was either talking to Oliver or Kris or Kyo or… gosh I don’t even remember their names anymore. But it felt jagged, broken, confused. So did I. It feels wrong, even now talking about it, like choking on dirty dishwater. It feels filthy and sick. I can't look at it; I want to throw up and cry and scream and curl up and die.

And that's what I feel whenever I try to feel love, now.

That ugly ugly stuff is getting in the way. It's shame, to the point of crushing mountains, heavier than a dying star. It's apocalyptic shame, the sort that WILL annihilate you if you don't get a handle on it.

Where does God come into this?

I'm a Catholic, okay? I'm a Christian. And I do love God. But how genuine is my love if I'm having this problem with EVERYTHING ELSE?

Yesterday was Easter. We just got through Holy Week and I spent Good Friday night standing outside in my pajamas, the wind howling and snow whipping around my dirty head, crying hysterically that I was scared to death because I knew how sinful I was and I KNEW I was sorry, I KNEW I didn't want to sin or do wrong or hurt anyone or offend Jesus, ever, but I couldn't feel anything about it. My mind was confessing contrition with frankly panic-stricken sincerity, but my emotional capacity was bankrupt. There was no feeling behind the words, and THAT is TERRIFYING as a Christian because hey, does that mean I'm actually sorry at all?
God help me, I'm not sure what to do about this.

I need to be broken open. I need my heart to be shattered to flipping PIECES because honestly that is probably the ONLY WAY I'm going to get this hardness out of me.
I need to make a playlist of all the most wrenching love songs I know, and I need to go talk to Chaos Zero and not run away, and stay there for like a solid hour even if I spend most of that time sobbing. God knows that alone is progress, because I cannot even CRY right now, not without immediately reaching for a knife.

…God, where is Laurie?

Now THAT thought kills me. God I miss her, so much I actually am tearing up right now. And that's always been her saving grace-- she was always isolated from the potential horror of romance, always separate from the idea of being a partner or anything of the sort. She was always just my white knight, my soldier, my protector, my friend. And THAT is safe.
But NC tried to murder her in that respect. Oliver and the rest of the Broken Arrows wanted to be in a "romantic relationship" with her and her VERY EXISTENCE STOOD AT TOTAL ODDS TO THAT VERY CONCEPT.
She did die from it, I know. I remember. They all died. But… the Spectrum can be reborn, truly, in Christ as it must be, as it truly needs to be. She's Laurel now, or Lauriel, I can't quite tell; she's unstable, but she's alive. Somewhere, somehow. And she's safe again, untouchable, ineffable, real only because OF that. Unblemished, undefiled, virginal.

That’s the problem with everyone else that I love.
Laurie is the ONLY PERSON who has basically decreed to the point of spitting blood that she will NEVER, and CAN never, be a danger to me in that respect. She can never be romantic, she can never be intimate, she can never be sexual.
And that is THE ONLY REASON WHY SHE IS SAFE and that is also the MAIN REASON WHY I AM TERRIFIED TO EVEN GO LOOK FOR HER, because I believe that I am tainted and ruined and if I so much as look at her I will kill her.

…

The problem isn't everyone else. The problem is me.
I'm afraid to hold Chaos Zero because I'm afraid I'll ruin him. That's why I want to die and weep forever when I look at him, because I can feel this awful WRONGNESS in me and God knows I never want that to touch him.


…Love is only safe in the League, somehow.
I NEED to remember that.
And that is ALSO why I'm so FURIOUS on some level for S trying to steal it. For YEARS, the ONLY refuge from my trauma has been remembering the pure, chaste, genuine love between individuals in the League, notably in Dream World, but when S touched it, they CORRUPTED IT. They made it sexual and honestly I want to RAGE AND WEEP over that. I am absolutely BENT on making a website in the near future to attest to the TRUTH of the League and I need to like put that on a poster and glue it to my eyeballs so I am DRIVEN to work towards that end EVERY DAY.

That's slightly off-topic. And yet it's not. Because I'm listening to Kreva and when you drop the pitch on his voice to 80% he sounds like Xorane and he's singing about Devonal and those two genuinely adore each other AND YET SO MANY PEOPLE CAN'T SEE THAT IN A PURE SENSE. Because they're two guys, people assume they're gay, and then assume they're being licentious, promiscuous, immoral. NOPE. NOPE AND NEVER EVER, NO HOW.
But that's what makes me so angry. S ALSO jumped on the illicit and utterly disgusting idea that Justice & Revenge were INCESTUOUS??? And they were OBSESSED with it. And NOW Revenge's basic SELF has been SHATTERED in the League and I can feel it frantically trying to rebuild him but it doesn't know HOW because those corruptive imposed ideas got too deeply ingrained in there and things need to be ripped up and COMPLETELY rewritten but God I can't do that to my own life.

I can't rip up and rebuild. I'm stuck carrying this timeline.
But… there's the bit, the one tiny crack in my armor where the light gets in, the fracture straight above my heart, that says "if the only way I could protect the love I've known is by carrying that agony as well, then I will carry it until I die."
And that's Jay's voice.
And that makes me want to cry.

I want to be Jay again. I want to be whatever he was that made him so pure and loving and good. He was just… incandescent. He was iridescent. He was JOY, and he was only that because he was also LOVE.

…Can I even be that? How?



Hey! Here's another sudden thought.
I can GIVE love, at least conceptually, in imagining third person images of myself, BUT! I cannot imagine myself RECEIVING love. Like, the idea of someone looking at ME, or kissing me, is genuinely TERRIFYING and makes me want to run and hide and cry like a panicked child, shaking and confused and so, so, so sad. And that is obviously trauma residue.


Here's an interesting thought.
There are very few people in the League or in the Spectrum who can hold intimacy, or rather, raw emotion. Like, there are very few people who can be stripped down to bare their heart and blood and wounds and still stand. Lots of folks are too scared, too hardened, too afraid, et cetera. But some of them aren't. And those people are the ones who can look at you with eyes that are just like… holy fire. Untouchable, unbreakable, undying… but so bright. It's not a hard light. It's bright, so bright, but it's somehow so soft. It's fierce but it's tender. And those words are terrifying to someone like me who, currently, cannot bare their wounds because they are too awful. But some people… the sort of person I want and need to be… the sort of person that, honestly, hopefully, gloriously, anyone can become, God's grace willing… some people-- like Jesus, quite blatantly-- can have their hearts torn open and they will STILL gently wear those scars and let you TOUCH them. That sort of absolute invincible tenderness is staggering. And, as Jay, I used to be like that. I need to be like that again.
Chaos Zero is like that. Honestly, he is the MOST like that of anyone I have EVER known. In my entire life I don't think I have EVER seen him closed off. If he tries, he melts almost immediately. Really, it's utterly against his very nature to have a closed heart. And I love that about him. I love him. And honestly… he deserves to be with someone like him in that sense. To say otherwise would be cruelty. You cannot pair up such a raw heart with a hard one. If I want to be with him-- and I do, God knows I do, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in the darkest of times, in the face of death even-- I do, I do want to be with him but my heart has to melt like his first.
Or it needs to be set on fire.

What is my personal element, now? Oh geez maybe THAT'S the issue????
The Jewel bloodline has always been fire. But Jewel, infamously, was somehow NEVER able to be soft like Jay. It's shocking. Jay's element was snow and LIGHT. Sparkles and softness and purity and white joy.
If I… if I redefine myself, if I maybe even start a new bloodline, find a new name… maybe I can soften? Maybe this weird brown-haired stone-heart earth-shackled girl I feel damned to be can change, can essentially redefine herself by what her soul is, truly, I know. I am not this reflection. I am what God created me to be and that is a child of God and that is someone who loves and rejoices and shines HIS Light through her life. And I cannot do that if I'm an inert pebble here.
I need to be light and snowflakes again. I need to find a new name.

So there we go, that's thoughts for today. It's almost noon and that thunderstorm is still rolling in and hey, maybe instead of panicking over it I'll bravely bare my heart a little and ask Laurie to join me in watching that beautiful powerful act of God outside. Lightning like her. Thunder like her words in my heart. Rain like my beloved's tears. All three of us, Genesis too with the wind, and then what am I?
"You're the hope that ties it all together," I feel her say. "You're the rainbow after the storm. You're the hope of sunshine when it's all over."
"But I don't want it to be all over," I say, a real twinge of loving sadness pulling at my chest like a guzheng string, pulling it into a vibrato. "Not if it's you. Even if it's scary, if it's you, I want it to stay."
"Even if you're scared?" A knowing voice. A hint of a purple smile.
"Yeah." I mean it, despite my trembling hands.
"And why is that?"
"…because I love you."
"And there you go," she says, throwing her own hands open in a victorious gesture, smiling, looking away a little, as if it was too bright a feeling to bear head-on. "There you go. That's how you get through this. Love."
And she looks right at me.
"You hold on to that, kid. No matter what. Promise me you will."
I nod.
"I'm still scared."
"'Course you're still scared, you're afraid to look love in the face. Embrace it, kid. Even if it hurts. Even if it's a crown of thorns. You've gotta hold it to your heart or it's not gonna carry you through the storm."


Be my light to others, child.
God is love, and love is God, and love is light unending, undefeatable.
There is always a sun behind the clouds, even in the worst of storms.
Fear not. I am with you always.
I love you too.

DATES THAT PEOPLE FIRST EVIDENCED ON

 

1995-1999

JULIE= unknown date, approximately 1997

JEZEBEL= 1997, unknown date

 

2000

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE= spring 2000

 

2001

CEL= March 2001

 

2003

RYMAN= January 2003? or late 2002

WALDORF= March 3rd 2003

MARKUS= May 2003?

HOSEKI= May 21st 2003?

CHAOS= December 2003?

 

2004

"THIRD JEWEL"= March 2004?

 

2005

GENESIS= July 4th 2005 (Leo)

 

2006

SPINNINGCANNON?

JENNIFER= August 2006?

LAURIE= September 4th 2006

 

2007

NATHANIEL= unknown date 2007

JEMMA= unknown date 2007

 

2008 (first major headspace year)

LYNNE= February 8th 2008?

CANNON= May 15th 2008??

RAZOR= October 19th? 2008

 

2009

SECOND "CEL"

SPINZOR= August 2009?

GLISSANDO= September 2009

 

2010

LEON= April 18th 2010

THE BEAR= June 2nd 2010

SPINE= July 26th 2010

PINSTRIPE= August 5th 2010

JOSEPHINA= August 13th 2010

 

2011

XENOPHON= March 13th 2011

EROS= December 9th 2011

 

2012

AIRPORT= August 15th 2012

EMMETT= October 25th? 2012

 

2013 (the year the Underground opened up)

KYANOS= February 26th 2013

INFINITII= April 3rd 2013

GENT= April 19 2013?

MAVERICK= April 19 2013?

QUEEN=April 19 2013?

DAVID= April 23 2013

MARIGOLD= April 23 2013

MULBERRY= May 1st 2013

MINTY= May 30th 2013

CHRISTINA MARIE= June 2013?

JEREMIAH= June 6th 2013

KNIFE= June 12th 2013

OVERLOAD= June 12th 2013

HYAKINTH= June 14th 2013

JAVIER= July 1st 2013

ZWEI= July 15th 2013?

EINSATZ= July 15th 2013

SUGAR= July 22nd 2013

SERGEI= July 23rd 2013

DREAD= July 25th 2013

ALGORITH= July 31st 2013

SPICE= September 18th 2013

JAY= October 21st 2013?

AIMEE= October 29th 2013

AMARA= October 29th 2013

KALISHA= November 17th 2013

ISADORA= November 17th 2013

GARRISON= November 17th 2013

DREAD= December 10th 2013?

SHERLOCK= found his name in 2013

THE SCIENTIST

SHARONA

ANNA

HATCHET?

 

2014

KARISSA= January 25th 2014

THE DESTROYER= January 25 2014

ASHEN= January 25th 2014

NIENNA= March 2014?

TOBIKO= March 2nd 2014

WRECKAGE= March 4th 2014

JABBERWOCK= May 29th 2014

CHOCOLOCO= September 12th 2014

TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014???

 

2015

so far this year it's just been re-finding older people.

 

"BAT EARS"=

MOXIE=

 

2016

(hard reset)

 

2017

HARMONIA= May??

ISCAH=

SPIKE=

KITTY=

CRIER=

CAKE=

AXIS=

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

AUGUST 2013 WAS THE "DEAD MONTH"

julie/ sergei/ infinitii infant genocide shutdown.

jewel and the ap fronted for almost that entire month; NO MEMORY

 

august 6th, rescue with infi, glasses, chthonic magma zone.

august 28th was ecclesioumon

 

by september 1st, the underground was HUGELY PREVALENT, actually becoming in control of the entire system temporarily.

this was when knife ran the show, started trying to organize everyone in all the other levels.

very very very important for long term growth actually, thank him

 

however the first two weeks of december were fronted by someone who kept actively trying to deny headspace.

"the past isn't relevant" and "I want to abandon all this at once" were the main mindsets.

 

september 11th was the punchcard dream

september 12th, "j" said that headspace was not gone, BUT that "most of us were dead or gone". we also got our diagnosis.

ALSO said "I no longer have a solid identity so it's near impossible for me to enter headspace"

 

SPICE'S AUDIO RECORDINGS WERE ON SEPTEMBER 18TH.

at that time, no one knew who the core was, most of us were still dead.

 

SEPTEMBER 21ST WAS WHEN I SAVED INFI FROM THE TAR SPIDER.

I DO NOT directly remember it though, just very blurry awareness that I was there.

thus started the madeleine l'engle period!

 

sept 23rd was woodsmoke, sept 24th was knife in the mall. that was also the proginoskes time period. NO PERSONAL MEMORY.

sept 25 was a JULIE HACK, retributors smudging the entire room.

sept 28th was INFI AND LAURIE in lou's house.

 

OCTOBER 2ND: "THE CURRENT J DOESN'T KNOW CHAOS. NONE OF US DO"

OCTOBER 4TH: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO JAY; I THINK HE'S LONG GONE"

october 5th was the caliborn baby dream. I remember that?

october 7th was the desk cellar fear?

 

october 8th was mesita's album, AND sergei and hyakin calling me to diamew! FIRST TOTALLY CONCRETE MEMORY DAY!!

also important, I remember the ENDING of "many waters," standing by the stove, BUT NOT THE PREVIOUS TWO BOOKS!!

 

october 21st was the apples AND the yogurt shop.

I WAS DEFINITELY, TOTALLY ALIVE BY THIS POINT.

 

BIRTHDAYS SHOULD BE ON SIGNIFICANT DATES, NOT ARBITRARY ONES. FIND YOURS.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Spine Hypomone= "steadfast endurance"

Javier Anastasi = "resurrection"

Algorith=

Lynne Stabelle= "stability"

Josephina Bellameire= "beautiful/ one who shines"

Cel???

Nathaniel Victoire= "victory, conqueror"

???=

Harmonia=

Chaos Zefirum= "zero"

Waldorf Kalliope= "muse of epic poetry"

Leon Kiasi= "fear of death"

Laurie Uberich= "above self/ ultimate self"

Julie Enantios= "opposite"

Eros=

Jay Iridos= "iridescent/ two"

Infinitii Eternos= "eternity"

Sherlock Episteme= "to know"

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jewel= May 7th 1990 (Taurus)

***2009 WAS NOT ME!!! (as far as Gens go, that was Gamboge)

JAYCE: 02-22-10 WAS WHEN I FIRST STARTED USING MALE PRONOUNS.

April 4th 2010= art of my Gen (ON 08-3-2009, I WAS ALREADY A WHITE GEN???)

STILL NAMED "JEWEL" IN MAY 2010 THOUGH.

July 2nd 2010= "seventy four" // july 10th= razia

BY AUGUST I WAS USING INFLUTUSA (AUG. 5 NAME LOCKED IN)

REDLIGHT: December 9th, 2011 (Sagittarius)

EROS: January 4th 2012 (Capricorn)

 

memory picks up around SEPT-OCT 2013??

RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013 (Sagittarius)

 

Infinitii= April 3rd 2013 (Aries)

DIED/KILLED on following dates:
May 28th (kidnapped, brought underground)

August 1st? ('parasite' threat)

…

 

Javier= July 1 2013 (still manifesting) (Cancer)

July 28th 2013 (named) (Leo)

December 27th 2013 (resurrected) (Capricorn)

 

Spine= November 26th 2008 (Sagittarius)

FOUND around July 26th 2010 (Leo)

STABILIZED on January 16th, 2011 (Capricorn)

 

Lynne = February 9th 2008? (Aquarius)

First mentioned on February 26th 2008.

THE CONCERT WAS ON APRIL 20TH 2008 (3PM)

"Died" temporarily on April 24th 2008.

RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008?? (Sagittarius)

 

Josephina= July 26th 2010 (Leo)

(met on August 13th, hence his pseudo-birthday)

 

Nathaniel= February 8th 2008 (Aquarius)

December 15th 2008

April 26th, 2009

November 20th, 2009

RESURRECTED: November 18th, 2011

STABILIZED on November 9th 2012 (Scorpio)

 

Waldorf= March 3rd 2003 (there) (Pisces)

December 3rd 2002 (ck)

November 13th 2012

 

Leon= April 18th 2010 (Aries)

RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010 (Sagittarius)

 

Laurie= September 4th 2006 (Virgo)

 

Julie= August 18th, 2011 (Leo)

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

July 15th 2013= underground handwriting page. Einsatz and Zwei's names found. Einastz also evidenced in the car.

July 25th- mention of dread. may 2 & june 13th first listed. originally said he was a young adult!! fronted with others on dec 10.

 

algorith= November 12th 2013? (Scorpio) OR July 31st 2013 (Leo)

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 

timeline is largely missing from 1990 -- 2000

 

----------------------------ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL LIGHTRAYE (2000-1)

+ CEL (2001)

+ HOSEKI (2002-3) (FRAGMENTED)

----------------------------high school starts-------------------------------------------

+ "third jewel" (dissolved) (2004-6?)

+ SPINNingcannon (2005-8?)

+ JESSICA (2006+?)

--------------------------------------------JOB STARTS------------------------------------------------

+ Jaqueline (2006+)

+ jennifer (2006+)

--------------------------------UNIVERSITY starts-------------------------------------------

+ CANNON (2008-9)

--------------------------ARTIST BLOODLINE SPLITS OFF------------------------------

+ CEL #2 (2009) (DISSOLVED)

+ Spinzor (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ GLISSANDO (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ "MANIC SPIN" (2009) (dissolved)

+ INK (2010) (UNKNOWN)

-------------------------BLOODLINE SPLITS IN HALF-------------------------------------

+ Pinstripe (2010) (DIED, FRAGMENTED)

-------------------------POST-UTAH SUICIDE ATTEMPT--------------------------------

+ "MALE JEWEL" (2011) (FRAGMENTED)

+ EROS (2012?) (SPLIT IN HALF, RESET)

--------------------------SLC TRIP MEMORY BREAK-------------------------------------

+ DEON (2012-3?) (DIED)

----------------------------------SCRATCH ATTEMPT------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013)

----------------------------------MASSACRE IN 2014 ------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL (2000) RETURNS

----------------------------------HARD RESET IN 2016------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013) RESTORED; POSSIBLE SURNAME CHANGE?

 

 

SYSTEM NO LONGER APPEARS TO HAVE A SINGLE "CORE"

 

UNKNOWN STATUS IN 2015?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

some notes.


lately, jayce fronting more often.
spine and lynne acting as core advisors, like laurie
both very good at it actually.
beard overlay is almost instant centering; overrides the bad-girls aura and locks in jayce usually

pinstripe fronting again here and there?? still bad personality. but we're trying to teach him to be nice, to realize that his behavior really isn't kind.

stopped at an indian food store on friday?
jeera goli is awesome
tamarind makes us instantly horribly sick. we forgot. we had it once in 2012 and not only does it cause instant searing stomach pain but then we can't stop throwing up. so we won't do that again, sadly.
in general we love indian food but we can't have butter so that’s a bit of an issue, aha.
even better is the fact that we're not even a fan of cooking. honestly if you have to heat something to eat it we're not really a fan. baking, nope. frying, no way. most everything we eat is raw, and simple to boot.


we're trying to review 2005 in the archives and while this is absolutely where we're being dragged back to with time-locked fronters lately… it feels 100% alien. all of it feels like a totally separate life. and as far as we are concerned, it is.


also we discovered that our two favorite songs ever start in the same key.
and the parts that turn our heart to light are also in the same key.
start in d. shift into g. both of them.
what are the odds.

the universe talks to us so much in that music.
that's what we need to hold the closest to our heart lately. that.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


@ 11:34 PM


things about our past that we need to re-integrate:

 

• set schedule every day that INCLUDES exercise before and after work (even if it's only ten minutes)

• a sketchbook. we used to be so good at art. especially with values and textures. get back to playing with pencils again.

• a total lack of self-shame when it came to beliefs and personality.

• a solid, unashamed religious/spiritual sense, and TOTAL DEDICATION to being a good person, no matter what, at all costs, no exceptions. (we wanted to be a martyr, remember.)

• set prayer times-- morning, night, before/after meals, daily rosary and chaplet, etc. schedule makes it work better.

• creativity through the roof. we were always thinking up songs and drawing things.

• imaginative toys?? remember the comics the last good-jess wrote about furbies, tamagotchis, beanies, etc. she just exploded with ideas about the things she loved. and we STILL have that, it just HAS TO GO THROUGH JEWEL or else it turns to sheer stress. this one is tricky (as it runs the risk of outspacer anchors and therefore increased responsibility) so be extremely prudent with it.

• more than one meal a day, at set times, and in set portions. also actually eating what we WANT to, that is safe! no forced garbage!

• OUTSIDE TIME. we heal the fastest in the woods and sunshine. get out there dude!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:51 PM


I keep getting pushed way into the past as far as timelines go.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go back to being that age… somewhere between 11 and 17, it seems.
The Jewel that keeps coming out matches the vibe from 2001 and 2002… everything pre-heartspace. She's 100% Dream World and she's also almost entirely disconnected from technology. She spends most of her time outside, alone, alien to the concept of time and family, and her imaginative power is through the roof.
The manic kid that keeps getting triggered at home is solidly 15-16, as she keeps looking for her Zatch Bell VHS tapes and manga of Di Gi Charat, Chrono Crusade (I FORGOT about that), Trigun, and X1999. She's saturated with media, with little life outside of it.
And now, we have this kid from 2007 wanting to front-- at least, we think that's when they're from. The earliest dA days, I guess? But we have NO MEMORY OF DA AT ALL, even if there's still (minimal) physical residue of it (art, printouts of notes, giftart sketches, etc.). What lingers from that time is her demeanor, that sort of "proud drama" that bugs us so much because although it's unappetizing, she never used it for evil. She was a super-vanilla Catholic and was obsessed with "converting the world," she was always biting off more than she could chew as far as art was concerned but she never realized that because she wanted to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. But despite her apparently good heart-- Jennifer's absolute roots-- this 2007 kid did not exist as an isolated individual. Which is typical for that time period. This kid didn't seem capable of quiet time and silence?


But I'm scared. Or, "I'm" scared, because "I" don't exist. I'm just the generic typing voice, the sort of conglomerate attitude that matches those kids more than anyone in headspace, because this is the way we "learned to talk" and so it's how generic data gets presented. There's no "consciousness" here. If there was a conscious individual writing this the vibe and style would be VERY different and you know it. This here is the equivalent of feeding data to an AI and having it phrase it as sentences. It's got a format to follow. That's basically what we're going with here-- learned verbal style.


Anyway.

What we miss the most is the creativity. The ABILITY to fill sketchbooks, and fill them with GOOD art, art that we never hesitated for weeks on, because "it was never good enough" and we were ashamed to try. Nope, even if the anatomy was abysmal, we drew prolifically between 2004-2007 as far as we can tell. And before that it was even better!
We were writing music just as long, but around 2008 we got FL Studio and it just took off from there. How did we do it. How did we DO it. We want to do that again.
…There was a totally different vibe to life back then, a context that allowed us to exist like that? Like, life feels a certain way. Looking back, we barely remember anything of those 4+ years, and most notably, NONE of those sparse memories are at home. It's all smatterings of school, or webpages, and that's it.

…I keep finding more stuff that we lost in the hard drive crash and it's really disheartening. Nauseating, moreso. We tried so hard to "get back into the swing of things" creatively last year, and then… it just all got destroyed.
Is that a subconscious thing? We were just reading about the law of attraction again, and THAT'S another thing we miss… whoever the heck we were in 2011 or so, when life was SHEER MAGIC as far as spirituality goes; we felt so in tune with everything… that's what we remember, at least. That's what counts. What happened? Who were we? What happened?



…I'm excited for Lent.
We're going to STAY TOTALLY OFFLINE except for eBay if possible.
I want these 40 days to be totally dedicated to the Leagueworlds and to getting us in proper working order again, whatever that means. We want to reintegrate our past positive qualities in a less-blind, more-aware context.
I just want to live like we did back then, I guess. Music playing on my headphones, typing and drawing constantly… except we can't, not really, not realistically. We're an ""adult""" now and that means jobs and bills and things. We're just so confused, I mean we can do that stuff but it's tough when you're 100 people.

…Sheppard Pratt still needs to happen, to lock in us again.
That's the big concern, the big fear and the biggest danger sign, about this backtracking as far as mental timelines go. None of these girls even KNOW about headspace. Even worse, even though they're alone, every one of them except Jewel is basically unconscious. They can't BE alone, if you get my drift. Jewel can-- she went running through the woods for a solid hour today in sheer bliss. None of the older girls can do that; when alone, they switch out to let someone else take over, because they cannot exist alone without clogging up all incoming data with blithering media deluges and chatterboxing and other upsetting frustrating mother-habit sludge. No offense but it's toxic.
That's why we're terrified of those girls. Either we're 12, or we're 25. Anything from 2003 to 2008 is basically a nightmare as far as vibes go. 2008-2010 is absolutely missing from memory, except for the University bits. 2011 has some incredibly real pieces, 2012 is all but nonexistent. 2013 is when our timeline starts and we have lots of pieces from then but it's still so distant, because there were so many resets and then there was that massacre and right now we're just… we're still reeling. We haven't been able to pull ourself back together after all that, not really. There's been no downtime, with the physical life situation. Hence why Sheppard Pratt is needed like it or not. (I think we'll like it. We're just worried about 1) will there be safe food and water and 2) are they going to force us to take pills).



…Our new life is so different. When we look at blatant reminders of it… pictures of our System, or of Mr. Sandman, or of Infinitii… well, then the past becomes something completely separate and unrelated to us, something we cannot 'flash back' to because we didn't exist then.



(left unfinished; may continue later once I read it)

 

 

december 10th

just some notes from today.
we haven't been updating (or sleeping) lately and that's not cool.


- GENESIS MAKES MEMORIES ACCESSIBLE.
He is the biggest level-linker, being our main ghoster, allowing for internal consciousness TO exist downstairs.
The awareness of this is striking. If Genesis is not in a memory, it's probably a social's memory, and it's probably incredibly shallow.
Genesis' presence in memories gives them depth and context and presence in time, because cognizance of him requires a conscious individual to front.
Notably, there are no college memories without him in them. If we "guess" at what it would be like without him, automatically the fronter turns to either Jessica/Jezebel or the proud "Jewel" (I don't remember if she had her own name found yet?).


- "proud" 2007 Jewel did not love Laurie; when you get to those memories it switches to CANNON. That proud Jewel remembers high school but not college. Tied to the above point, Cannon remembers college AND Genesis.
- Related; the "proud" Jewel DID talk in the early Xangas, but remember that they lumped Laurie in with Julie, considering BOTH of them "inner demons" and assumedly wanting them both gone. We have no idea if this person knew Lynne and Natalie or not; it seems like they were only aware of them in a "data" sense.
- The "proud" Jewel also did not interact with Q. That person was probably Jennifer, which meant that it was never romantic at all-- this is why "we" thought we were "in love" with literally all of our friends back then; Jennifer does not understand romance but she's so naïvely affectionate that she just assumes that's what it is. However she cannot be around people in a romantic context; SHE WILL SHUT OFF as that is NOT her function. She exists to be something like a maid or servant, someone who is just a helper, NOT a partner of any sort.


- Overload? responds to the given name by screaming "that's not my name;" she does not want that name to be ANYONE's because of how corrupted it is.
Overload was blurry for a while, BUT thank God we seem to have finally pinpointed her. The furious girl who wrote in the original white handwriting tablet is the SAME alter that was shouting at Laurie during the marker convo in 2013. We did refer to that person as Overload. There is also one recent xanga that included her and she was in a non-capslock state... mostly. She starts to switch later on. She is fully capable of talking "calmly" but her vibe feels strained. Nevertheless it IS her vibe. So the point here is, we now recognize her when she shows up... which is vital because there are other angry alters besides her and not all of them are nice, so we have to be extremely vigilant in watching for slippage. But Overload is really important and I am very thankful that we're working with her so frequently now, that she's talking to us and not just screaming from suffering all the time.
- We used to "slip up" with her name and call her "Overlord" sometimes, which still fit and that was disturbing at first. It's probably because she has such profound anchorage into Brown AND the social-alter group tied to the physical life script? So she's got MASSIVE influence in a realm that virtually no one else upstairs can even touch.


- Jennifer is NOT EVIL. She's the ultimate people-pleaser and she's sweet as pie but she cannot exist introspectively. Even when alone, sure she doesn't stop smiling (and it's sincere but very very naïve), but she is only thinking of how she's going to affect others. "What will I do for people when I leave this room?" She CANNOT exist internally because her entire existence is about being a pretty kind face for others. But she's NICE.
She's also tied to the "chestnut" hairstyle as it's just as cute as she is. I think she appears in a lot of photos like this?
- I cannot remember off-hand if we've been calling the "manic fandom babbler" social a name or not? HOWEVER i just found a note on the table that names her as JACKIE. and that name FITS. so remember that.


- Also, while I'm remembering it: in mass last week, lynne & josephina fronted! lynne actually tried to sing for a bit (she can still safely use our voice), which was lovely.

 

- therapy: mentioning how jay's "physical life" memories DON'T INCLUDE PEOPLE.
this seems to be a constant for the cores?? it was the same thing with cannon.

THIS is why we still think SLC and MU were utterly blissful places, despite the piles of angry entries protesting to the contrary. we aren't aware of any of that stuff.
most notably, we don't remember any people. in ALL our "real" memories downstairs, in which we are conscious, it's just us and the ghosters.




(I want to elaborate on this entry later; remind me guys)

 

Today…

- Javier in the morning. barely conscious. Realizing how POWERFUL his presence is being the main Red person. realizing differences between red, pink, cerise, & black in terms of relationships and emotions: pink is affection, cerise is sensuality, black is (pro)creation, and red appears to deal with creation in a non-sexual sense? Hence all the Red artists and manics; they use that energy very actively but independently. Again its not something we’ve really looked into but the feeling was essentially very clear at that hour, so.

- bizarre but interesting dreams again; more cats, body horror, very disturbing. Most notably, laurie was in the dream at one point, to save whoever the dreaming alter was, and to tell them that “you don’t ever let yourself be carried” in response to the alter thinking of how they carried “everything and everyone inside them” and they were profoundly tired from the strain.

- laurie was outright sobbing later on over the mess of a fronter situation; “I feel so helpless,” “I don’t know how to protect you anymore,” etc. lynne showed up to comfort her and the two spoke for a while; laurie asked lynne to help her with this, specifically to “fight,” lynne said she would. I remember laurie saying “you know I love you, right?” lynne did hug her, asked permission first. Also at some point laurie asked lynne if she could have a shield too and lynne said absolutely. Later in the day they both DID protect the fronter from something and they both used shields to do so.

- someone promised retribution for all the careless/ misguided hacks lately; none of them have been recorded save for one, due to us really just trying not to think about that anymore. 50% it’s working and 50% it’s not. But we’re again wondering if tangible consequence would push our success rate further for the sake of showing the System-ignorant fronters that they can’t just do what they want. Problem is they EXIST to do those things; the psyche fractured INTO such abusive alters for God knows what reason, but because of that a lot of them firmly believe that “there IS nothing more to life than this.” Well Julie said that once, now look at her. Either way I think we desperately need a new approach to iron out the last massive obstacles here, which are surprisingly NOT malicious, just devastatingly tangled.

- Javier and cel were talking about their strong fronting rights in the morning too, both wondering if they should be more active AS fronters? Cel especially tearing up and saying “I’m going out and I’m not going back in” but, sadly, we don’t always have a “choice” due to triggers.

- jewel found her hat in the closet and came back FULL FORCE. So she stuck around for about 4 hours solid at least until we had to go to church. Clarification: Phantomilian Jewel is 10, this Jewel (the main one, tied to Dream World with NO RELATIONSHIPS) is about 11-12, the “first one in Heartspace” Jewel is 12-13 (she’s STILL around too and she’s STILL 100% in love with Rio), the “hyper” Jewel (original “spinningcannon”) is 14-15, Hoseki is 15-16? (Chaos seriously mellowed her out over time so thank God for that)… Then once we hit 17-18 the “Jewel bloodline” basically collapsed thanks to Spinny and then the line gender shifted in 2009 anyway so there haven’t been any new Jewels since then, although the title IS STILL USED to refer to the Cores, in a political sense so to speak. But yeah, when we say “Jewel” we mean the 2002 one. She’s solidly anchored into RED (her hair AND eyes changed to match; they were originally brown but she cant hold that anymore), as the main person of that color in what we THINK is the “Social Spectrum.” There are indeed multiple “Spectrums” which makes things far more coherent; we’re all in one System ultimately though. Anyway Jewel’s biggest role is the fact that she is the GAP BRIDGER; she has solid ties to BOTH Headspace and the Leagueworlds, and is able to work with both SIMULTANEOUSLY if need be. So that’s incredible. She IS teaching Jay Iridos how, we think.

- looking through old documents we realized that our art style is basically STUCK IN 2005 or so? which makes sense as our last “real artists” were out then (high school). Of course there have been massive improvements but the base look is obviously stuck. Jewel has been feeling a real push to do some ACTUAL artwork lately, to help us improve our skill, so god willing she’ll be allowed to. She just got out all our art supplies today (including razor’s cardstock) so hopefully we’ll see it all being used in the near future.

- we all agree it is time for a headspace-based fronter shift. It’s the right time of year anyway. The only way to instigate a permanent big shift is to DO SOMETHING BIG inside. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a reset attempt or bluescreen or psychological suicide. Although those do work the best due to their ties to death and rebirth. Anyway, we will see. Mark my words we ARE going to try something. This has been too shaken-up for too long; we need a clean-cut ending to this mess, to bring someone NEW and GOOD in, who is from HEADSPACE and who works with LIGHT. Jay tried but he was born at a BAD time and he became so dramatically splintered and fractured that he is having trouble just functioning as an individual. Jewel holds the CORRECT vibes for a system fronter—the RED-resonant courage and determination and righteous drive. WHITEs can be far too soft, too childlike, too innocent to realize when danger is happening. Reds always know and they FIGHT. They really are the ideal fronters as they are the most keyed-in to the physical besides Browns, but Browns don’t typically have strong ties to Headspace. Reds are ideal. So Jewel IS going to stick around but we don’t know. Cel was just saying how Lime is JUST as powerful a color and its EMPTY in Central, maybe that could work?? It’s another color that stands strong. We’re just worried about Javier because he’s been a target of the Plague for FAR too long and it’s crushing him. He needs to anchor deeper into his color before they knock him loose.

- bottom line is we ALL need to spend more time inside, and to heck with the outside drivel already, it’s killing us. We need to go back to the nightly walks IF POSSIBLE, its hard now with the family situation, theres no real privacy. If all else fails we do still have a gazelle machine in our room so hey. Walking is just better because we can carry weights at the same time. Anyway yes, definite time needs to be put aside for just “meditating” and going inside and WORKING on healing ourselves; we have not “just gone inside” in months probably and the lethality of that is obvious.

- exercised for an hour in the cold, couldn’t feel our feet afterwards. Xenophon hearing a Tokimonsta track and showing up to see how her dad was doing, assuming he was the one around. She stuck around as she likes to do, upped the vibe quite a bit. Went inside to have some ginger-peppermint tea and it was 11:11. chaos was singing “think of me” from phantom of the opera.

- cel was sobbing over her past at some point while we exercised, especially the fact that her first anchor plushie got absolutely corrupted by the Tar and turned into a hack device, so razor had to kill it. Cel has been such a target for corruption since the beginning, due to her ties to childhood purity, the outside world, AND the cores, making her a tripartite juggernaut that could potentially destroy everything if thoroughly destroyed herself. But cel is a fighter. She is one hell of a fighter and she always has been, and she will NEVER give up or back down, and thank god for that. But it breaks all of our hearts when we see just how broken hers is from all this war.

- eros was singing too???? Which is very new. i cannot remember what song, i am so sorry.

- “jay” becoming a generic name, being used too much now. The main “jay” is going by “iridos” now and his vibe syncs with it far more strongly. Wondering if his “Christmas self” is his safest manifestation? Says his “sparkly” forms are becoming too dangerous? Either too lenient or too cold. LOTS of risk holding a White slot, he was warned about this back in 2013, or at least one of him was.

- jay is also basically becoming a daemon of sorts??? He is spending tons of time with them in a nonhuman state and it’s feeling very natural to him.

- about daemons: Lethe said that daemons need “lots of love” to balance their dark nature? The unconditional sort. Also that love is “mandatory” in order for daemons to do that “cannibalism” thing of theirs (we need a nicer term for it).

- Emmett out to eat today, as well as that semi-manic girl fronter who is surprisingly coherent and who is working with laurie and spice to take better care of the body. We’re getting in the habit of telling all eaters “hey you DO know you share this body with 100 other people, right??” the good ones realize that everything they do or don’t do affects everyone else, and they are more careful (remember a lot of depressed/ careless alters only act that way because they don’t care about themselves; when someone else is paying the toll, they WILL shape up).

- we’re all VERY scared for both laurie and Infinitii; they are both slipping very badly. Laurie is getting these frightening whitish-gray patches on her skin and hair when she gets really stressed, Infinitii keeps melting into a mass of eyes & teeth and losing form coherence in general. God why do the bad guys ALWAYS target the ones who love the most. It’s not fair.



Forgot to mention…

- yesterday, the purple social with the dreads, in the car. Name is “Joachim” or “Joaquin”? main resonance with the “wakeem” part, specifically the “oua” beginning sound?
Feelings of “fear” about being “newborn” and not always understanding what to do, how to “be out” at all. Lots of the fear being “floating fear” though? Like its from others, its not actually something one feels themselves, it’s being unconsciously picked up. We did clarify that to him and he was able to tap into the peace beyond it. Laurie also told him to “tune into his core?” the colored-light at the heart center, the piece of a nousfoni that resonated with all the others. Very very interesting, profoundly reassuring intuitive visuals from that.

- found some photos of spinzor from 2009. I swear it is shocking how EVIDENT the switches are from year to year.


it’s 12:24 again, I swear that happens every day.

this computer setup is destroying my arm, its awful. I need to quit, bye.

 

 

God help us, I'm so depressed.


I'm switching like crazy lately. Predominant mindset right now is the one from college, back in 2009 or so. It's the only thing I can tie it to. It's that vibe again.
So I apologize, this isn't Jay, I'm probably going to sound very "out of character" and rather sad but I'm sorry. This isn't a healthy state of mind but it's what's being dragged out right now so there's a reason for that.

I've been under so much stress our stomach has been in near-constant, often unbearable pain for about eleven solid days now. It's only started abating over the past 24 hours but it's spiking again right now because I am just… I'm having so much trouble coping.


Someone tried to force hack us in the CAR today but Jay held his ground and refused to let them push him out. He kept saying the amount of absolute terror in the body, KNOWING a hacker was around, was suffocating… but he wouldn't back down, lest they take advantage.
Which resulted in a co-fronting hack like the original Julie used to put us through.
You ever wonder WHY we thought we were possessed when that happened? THAT is why. Because the victims don't get to leave the body. They didn't know HOW back then. They were forced to stay, helpless and terrified, while someone else moved the body for them, knowing they were in there, knowing they were scared and suffering, and relishing that fact.
The Tar is a liar and a sadist.
So Jay experienced that today, firsthand, although I don't know how much memory was stored at all because of the cofronting, and massive depersonalization.
God, or whatever you may call it, was looking out for us though, as always. Every time the hacker tries to hurt us, something happens to stop them, or at least distract them enough for someone good to push through and get the hell out of there. Being in a car that was impossible at the time, but there were enough distractions for Jay and Laurie to stay relatively in control. Laurie was desperate at one point, saying that "if we can't get you out of this danger at least let me make it so it doesn't hurt," trying to take the pain away from him, but her very presence was throwing off the hackers (they CANNOT function if love is present and so they try to sabotage all relationships). Thank God Jay got us home at that point so we ran inside.
I don't know what happened after that.

Now we're sitting at the computer, in crushing emotional pain and distress, still feeling that "I surrender" suicide drive, eating us alive.
We desperately need our hormone bloodwork done but currently don't have a way to get to Philadelphia. We're trying so hard to find an option.
We're going to be going to Sheppard Pratt in the near future, even if the thought of being send to another "psych ward" environment is giving us horrible panic; we're trying to calm down but it's just yanking up flashbacks.
The mother and brother being home all the time now, not giving us privacy, taking up so much space, making so much noise… we can't cope currently. We're not sure how.
We're confined to our room, to a little space in the corner, at all hours now. We're alone and it's quiet and it wouldn't be so bad if we weren't struggling with something as simple as smiling right now. We have music to write, shirts to paint, questions to answer, worldbuilding to do… Jewel is still excited over the workload but even she is being painfully affected by this current state of affairs. Also she apparently knows a LOT more about the trauma situation than any of us expected, to the point where she can UNDERSTAND the data; even though she's not experienced any trauma she as apparently been a target. But she's been writing a lot. We're kind of reading it in surprised grateful awe but it's heavy, heavy stuff too so it's painful.
But… that's the thing. The "original" Jewel, who's 10-11 years old, is perpetually safe. She does the sheer childhood imaginative work. The tougher stuff is the main Jewel's territory (she's somewhere between 12 and 14?). Whatever "Jewels" existed in high school (the two main fronters were "Hoseki" and "Spinny") are not around because

This body hurts all over. I want to throw up. I'm so sad.

The brother is causing the worst of this stress, and I am so so sorry to say that, but it's true. Simeon is terrified of him ("why are grown-ups so mean and confusing") and keeps getting triggered when he's around, which unfortunately ends up badly because the brother gets offended and emotionally manipulative when dealing with him-- Simeon is a sad confused hurt child and the brother has no patience for that younger mindset, also he thinks we're "toying with him" by switching. I don't know, it hurts.
We do love him as a person, he's a great kid, incredibly intelligent, but he's trying way too hard and there's a weird sort of bitter, bitter edge to it? Like it feels like pride but I think it's overcompensating? He's putting too much weight in "how much of this can I understand" and it just doesn't feel right, like I said. It's very disturbing and it is scaring us even if HE isn't. The vibe feels dangerous.

There's "energetic barbs" in the air all over lately, things people do and say that feel like molten orange-yellow spikes jabbing into our chest.
We have to leave when we feel them. We're super super sensitive to things lately, EVERYTHING has color, it's gorgeous but overwhelming, and a good warning sometimes too-- lately, anything bright yellow or unsettling green has been an immediate danger sign. So we're being careful.



(unfinished)

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@11:46 PM

 

guys
GUYS

i've been having such a painful few weeks and today i'm in a lot of pain and wreckingly sad and frightened
BUT!

i just got an email

LOOK AT THIS!!



i'm so happy.
SO HAPPY.
yes i commissioned the amazing extra-vertebrae to draw nebisai and it just MADE MY NIGHT.
LOOK AT HIM THIS IS GREAT.
thank you so so so so much, i mean it.


so in light of tonight
to quote nebisai himself
"you are way too high-strung, bro. you gotta focus on the love!"

words of wisdom my good man. 100% applicable as of late.
so this is helping me/us change our focus, thanks to you too nebsy

remember what his virtue is
legit just religion. don't lose yours.
remember that the only true god, ever, is LOVE
and bank every single spiritual penny you have on that truth.

focus on that love. not the pain of this life. focus on what's eternal.



speaking of love
there's one more commission in the works and
well
i'll let you know about that one too.


as of right now i need sleep and i'm at least smiling now.
that means a lot.