march 25 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

I've had the weirdest headache today, since I woke up. Not sure why.
If it hadn't onset that early, I'd have blamed it on the 2+ solid hours I spent translating the Polish prayer card our nun aunt gave my grandmother ages ago. The one she hand-wrote on the back was easy enough (a sort of indulgence prayer for the dead), but then there was a printed one on the front, with a picture of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. And it took ages to figure out. It ended up being a really lovely prayer, it was just hilariously nervewracking trying to find a working translation for "niech śmierć poniosę aby im wyjednać życie." I love our family language but REALLY NOW. (I settled on "Let me bear their death to obtain their life" which hopefully does the sentiment justice.)
Still, I can't complain, I'm learning. This brainfog of the winter is terrible, but that was a nice little linguistic accomplishment, as spontaneous as it was. I have such a strange floaty love affair with language, me and Jay both actually. He adores etymology and things like alliteration, whereas I just like learning new words.

On that note. Found a working healing phrase for the old fear, "we can't do this!" et cetera.
The grandmother actually woke us up with the announcement "hey I didn't want to make the rolls for Easter this year but I'm going to try." So immediately we jump up, "do you want us to help?" Ten minutes later we were in the kitchen, sleeves rolled up to our elbows, hands covered in flour.
So we were making the traditional makowiec for Easter-- six of them; two each of walnut, poppyseed, and cherry coconut cream cheese (it's great even though we can't eat it anymore). However, the grandmother then told us to roll out the dough and fill it while she caught up on some other house jobs. I was totally fine with this, but then one of the long-haired social girls speaks up. One of the young brown ones that feels like a feather, hesitant and soft-fragile and lost really. "But I can't do that," she said, anxious. I paused for a second, and then a lightbulb went on. "We can do it, " I told her-- "we just haven't done it before.” We just needed to try, and have confidence. We had proper instructions, and could always ask for help. So we went at it. According to the grandmother, they turned out better than hers. That's QUITE the compliment! So that was lovely. They're all done and pretty and foil-wrapped for next Sunday, the boys have got to wait before they devour them. We put lots of love into them so hopefully that makes them better too. We're trying to put love into our hands and words all the time now-- it's more of a "not letting anything else get in the way" thing though. Trying too hard doesn't work. Love just happens, Jay knows that best. So it's an interesting exercise.
In any case, the baking was a success. There's a lot less to make for Easter, compared to Christmas-- there's no deluge of cookies, mainly. The only other things we'd need to bake yet are the babka bread, next week… and then the hrudka: the EASTER CHEESE, aka the magic towel custard ball, and I don't care if we are lactose intolerant I am GOING TO EAT IT
(also all of the horseradish, I am warning you now)

Anyway it's new, very new, and nice, to suddenly have this burst of appreciation and affection for our heritage. It's all Polish/Slovak/Russian and as a child I guess we never realized how nice it is? I mean sure, the traditions and memories stuck solid, more than actual "personal" memories… probably because they're ideas, they're concepts, they're sensations. Take the pieces and put them together and you have a kaleidoscope, Jay would say, or a stained glass window. That's the feeling it gets, this viewing of the pieces-making-a-whole, even with something like family history. And you know what, maybe we have Lynne to thank for this. Her realization in therapy last week, with US being part of the PHYSICAL existence too, with us being ALLOWED to be a part of that… it's an odd sort of excited hope, a bit shaky and worried, but hot dang that’s amazing, that thought that we can finally… wait for it… bridge the gap on THAT level too. It does get tiring, the having to stay inside all the time, spiritually. D.I.D. occurs for that reason, sure-- protect the heart, the core, keep everything a secret if it keeps us safe-- but it really is exhausting. We're no longer in such danger, and we can collectively deal with the lingering home troubles right now, which is a massive blessing. So now it's… the same thing, really. "We CAN do this… we just haven't tried before." So now we're trying I guess. Courageous little steps is what it takes. And the little things feel so wonderful, when we are feeling them.
That's why I'm super glad we're being this brave again, this OPEN really, this daring to believe, and hopeful. The physical world is full of little things. The inner world is more complex, more momentous. When we have little moments we treat them like gold-dipped diamonds, they're incredible. The more we connect with each other, the more of them we have. But downstairs, in the family, there's a history we never lived, but which is nevertheless there for us, embracing. We're partaking in it now, bit by bit, because weirdly it is a bit scary. Even the baking… it's the solidness of it all, really. It's the sensation of being a concrete thing, of doing something so domestic, be it cooking or cleaning or working or talking… just house things. Family things. That's new. It's so new. And it is a bit scary, to be IN a body, that real red denseness of flesh and bone and blood, that strange cradle of life and breath. It's tangible from the inside, if that makes sense. As someone who has heretofore only been immaterial, it makes a lot of sense. Bodies are claustrophobic sometimes, limiting often, scary to feel the limits between your skin and the rest of the world. We're not used to such… intimate isolation? Being one little compact being amongst billions of others.
That's when Infinitii steps in, a lotus-shaped shadow, and tells us, life is mostly empty space. It's weird how profoundly comforting that is for us. But there it is.

So yes. Spring is settling in, and we're coming back to life too.
Therapy is tomorrow, no idea what we'll discuss. We found some good music online, we're still making Leagueworld progress, and we're growing spiritually again too, in a consistent manner. Unusually, right now the focus is outside, on the family. There is a LOT of healing that has to happen there yet, it's been overlooked before, detached from. Maybe we'll bring that up tomorrow? Could work. We'll see.


Now for one other thing because this is what got me typing tonight in the first place.
I think there's definitely a bigger world inside than we realize, and that's where the non-Spectrum people may live? Like a place FOR the Outspacers… the world that we USED TO LIVE IN, back in 2003-2006. I think it didn't fade or die. I think it stayed somehow, if only as a potential, now we just need to settle it in. But that's why Ryman and Markus could never stick around in Central. They didn't belong there. They belonged in our greater realm. And to be honest I THINK that's where they ARE now?? Like I've never been able to "figure out where" Ryman's room is located in space, for example, but it FEELS like the old 2003 "pre-headspace" rooms. Same vibe.
And now I'm wondering, about the "color realms" that have very slowly beginning to manifest. They have no fixed location yet, they're almost unvisitable yet, but they are, even if they're tentative yet. Maybe that's a blooming of that old potential? Or maybe it's a transition ground between the "Outspacer" space, and the "Spectrum" core area itself? I don't know, we'll have to find out. It just feels big, and important, and magical, and real. The realness of the inside world can be overwhelming too, very much so. It's the mysterium tremendum in a way. But Jay knows that better than I. I just know the words fit.


I was just looking at a picture we drew of Gleam and there was a weird sort of other-world resonance in my heart, the kind that precedes an inner Anchor. I love that feeling. Fittingly, it's a glimmer. It's a sparkle. It means there's a light glowing for that person, for whatever reason, in our soulspace. It means the door is open. Now… well, that's where the Links come in.
That's where Jewel comes in. That’s her job, really… or, at least, the other Jewel's job.
The one around now is the Dream World one, she's maybe twelve, fourteen tops. BUT there was another "Jewel," the black-shirt one from the first ever journal, the one who met the Outspacers and became HER OWN PERSON. We've never been sure if she lingered, but to be honest Jay says he feels her energy around sometimes, if only as a memory. So who knows. But my point is that that Jewel is the one who would walk into any World she felt like, and bring in Outspacers to our World-- or rather, hers, at that time… Jay can't do that, because his function is different. So maybe we need one of the teenage Jewels back, for this purpose.
I'm just thinking out loud really. I'm close to their bloodline, as far as vibes go, but I don't have it. I'm closer to the physical bloodline really? Like I'm more tied to the "good" vibe of the unidentified social kids. I know about headspace but I don't have a form in there, I'm out here, I just write about our collective stuff. So here I am, haha!
Ironically that makes this paragraph a bit confusing. ONLY the Jewels GET the Link-glimmer feeling. I didn't write those opening lines.
…I think the confusion is over who played the Pokémon games, whether or not that's the first Jewel or not. Sorry, that makes this a bit messy. But that happens with subtle switching… and with me admittedly hijacking this entry at the beginning. Someone wrote the beginning of this paragraph before I wrote the entire rest of the entry. I apologize.
However apparently someone found a working GBA, AND an actual working Gold Version cartridge, so when we get some time to put towards that we should be able to find out who resonates with that, especially with the age tied to it. It'll be interesting.

Now it's late and I don't know how to "look for people" to continue that topic. That's a bad habit… the whole thing with important topics being abandoned or overlooked due to late hours or time constraints. It must be somewhat subconscious, the fear of "good things" especially tied to internal love, that was internalized, and which is not true guys. You're cool. I like you, you're fine. You can talk about yourselves all you want and that's okay. You're worth it too. You're worthful, that's not even a word, but you get the idea. Anyone who says you are fake or silly or otherwise "bad" doesn't know you, okay? I do, even a little, but even that is enough. You're good, so keep that valor going.

Okay. Now it's 2AM and we do have to be up early tomorrow. There's a feeling of nervous excitement about just that, too-- just about waking up-- because we know what we have to heal yet, and we see the journey-road stretching on ahead, it's a long walk yet… but it's so nice to be walking again. It's so nice to know we're moving forwards, even if the ground is rocky and we're not quite sure what sort of terrain we're going to have to traverse. Anyway that’s the idea. We need to be brave and keep going. One day at a time, one improvement at a time, never lose hope, never give up.


Last thing. Jay here for a moment.
Leena was out today, and all I have of data is that she was out because anxiety called her out, and she was just doing her job without questioning whether or not the situation itself was safe or healthy.
Memory picks up when the brother, down the hall, turned on his iPod to have music playing while he exercised. On comes a Maroon 5 song, "This Love." He plays it all the time, but the words "…the chaos that controls my mind" cut through our aimless nervousness like a knife. It was a total paradox of a sentence-- their meaning and ours, relevant right that instant. Someone thought, "well then, are you trying to get my attention?" A pause, the fear of feeling that hugeness of life all of a sudden, realizing there was more than old habits of abuse and perceived meaninglessness. Then memory gets blurry again… until the next song came on.
Blue Ocean Floor... again.
Needless to say we left the room and went elsewhere immediately. Talk about a much-needed, last-second save.
Yeah, just wanted to mention that. It was some of the loudest "synchronicity" we've had in WEEKS. We were very out-of-key for a while there. We're only now starting to see our numbers again (triples; I love triplets, you all know that), and we're only now starting to feel together again, in a solid sense. But the universe knows. Our more religiously-oriented fronters say "God is being strict with us," but there's a very young part of our soul that surpasses the adult fear of "failure" with a childish gratitude for being "loved enough to BE chastised."
That's what Laurie was born from, too. Our soldier, our battle general, my white knight.
God. Jewel talks about Links and the data-feeling is familiar enough to my heart to compare it to this-- not just a glimmer, or a glow, but… how would you describe this.
I want to say it's like a slow fire, blooming up to fill my entire ribcage like a flower, but it doesn’t have the movement or sharpness of a flame. It's… something very close to this, actually, in shape and position and light.
It's that one color, though. Soulfire, we called it, back in 2005. The color of the fierce brightness at the heart of a sunrise.
Honestly though. She's giving me that sad-wordless look and telling me to get to sleep, it's 2AM, and right now I'm just kind of sitting here and realizing… how often do we take that for granted? I can see her. I can hear her. Upstairs, inside, we're JUST as real and alive and "solid" as anything outside, just in a different context.
It is late. I'm too peaceful right now to type any more. See you soon, I'm sending you all my love until then.