prismaticbleed | sept 22 2015 (Reply)

God help us, I'm so depressed.

I'm switching like crazy lately. Predominant mindset right now is the one from college, back in 2009 or so. It's the only thing I can tie it to. It's that vibe again.
So I apologize, this isn't Jay, I'm probably going to sound very "out of character" and rather sad but I'm sorry. This isn't a healthy state of mind but it's what's being dragged out right now so there's a reason for that.

I've been under so much stress our stomach has been in near-constant, often unbearable pain for about eleven solid days now. It's only started abating over the past 24 hours but it's spiking again right now because I am just… I'm having so much trouble coping.

Someone tried to force hack us in the CAR today but Jay held his ground and refused to let them push him out. He kept saying the amount of absolute terror in the body, KNOWING a hacker was around, was suffocating… but he wouldn't back down, lest they take advantage.
Which resulted in a co-fronting hack like the original Julie used to put us through.
You ever wonder WHY we thought we were possessed when that happened? THAT is why. Because the victims don't get to leave the body. They didn't know HOW back then. They were forced to stay, helpless and terrified, while someone else moved the body for them, knowing they were in there, knowing they were scared and suffering, and relishing that fact.
The Tar is a liar and a sadist.
So Jay experienced that today, firsthand, although I don't know how much memory was stored at all because of the cofronting, and massive depersonalization.
God, or whatever you may call it, was looking out for us though, as always. Every time the hacker tries to hurt us, something happens to stop them, or at least distract them enough for someone good to push through and get the hell out of there. Being in a car that was impossible at the time, but there were enough distractions for Jay and Laurie to stay relatively in control. Laurie was desperate at one point, saying that "if we can't get you out of this danger at least let me make it so it doesn't hurt," trying to take the pain away from him, but her very presence was throwing off the hackers (they CANNOT function if love is present and so they try to sabotage all relationships). Thank God Jay got us home at that point so we ran inside.
I don't know what happened after that.

Now we're sitting at the computer, in crushing emotional pain and distress, still feeling that "I surrender" suicide drive, eating us alive.
We desperately need our hormone bloodwork done but currently don't have a way to get to Philadelphia. We're trying so hard to find an option.
We're going to be going to Sheppard Pratt in the near future, even if the thought of being send to another "psych ward" environment is giving us horrible panic; we're trying to calm down but it's just yanking up flashbacks.
The mother and brother being home all the time now, not giving us privacy, taking up so much space, making so much noise… we can't cope currently. We're not sure how.
We're confined to our room, to a little space in the corner, at all hours now. We're alone and it's quiet and it wouldn't be so bad if we weren't struggling with something as simple as smiling right now. We have music to write, shirts to paint, questions to answer, worldbuilding to do… Jewel is still excited over the workload but even she is being painfully affected by this current state of affairs. Also she apparently knows a LOT more about the trauma situation than any of us expected, to the point where she can UNDERSTAND the data; even though she's not experienced any trauma she as apparently been a target. But she's been writing a lot. We're kind of reading it in surprised grateful awe but it's heavy, heavy stuff too so it's painful.
But… that's the thing. The "original" Jewel, who's 10-11 years old, is perpetually safe. She does the sheer childhood imaginative work. The tougher stuff is the main Jewel's territory (she's somewhere between 12 and 14?). Whatever "Jewels" existed in high school (the two main fronters were "Hoseki" and "Spinny") are not around because

This body hurts all over. I want to throw up. I'm so sad.

The brother is causing the worst of this stress, and I am so so sorry to say that, but it's true. Simeon is terrified of him ("why are grown-ups so mean and confusing") and keeps getting triggered when he's around, which unfortunately ends up badly because the brother gets offended and emotionally manipulative when dealing with him-- Simeon is a sad confused hurt child and the brother has no patience for that younger mindset, also he thinks we're "toying with him" by switching. I don't know, it hurts.
We do love him as a person, he's a great kid, incredibly intelligent, but he's trying way too hard and there's a weird sort of bitter, bitter edge to it? Like it feels like pride but I think it's overcompensating? He's putting too much weight in "how much of this can I understand" and it just doesn't feel right, like I said. It's very disturbing and it is scaring us even if HE isn't. The vibe feels dangerous.

There's "energetic barbs" in the air all over lately, things people do and say that feel like molten orange-yellow spikes jabbing into our chest.
We have to leave when we feel them. We're super super sensitive to things lately, EVERYTHING has color, it's gorgeous but overwhelming, and a good warning sometimes too-- lately, anything bright yellow or unsettling green has been an immediate danger sign. So we're being careful.

(unfinished)

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@11:46 PM

guys
GUYS

i've been having such a painful few weeks and today i'm in a lot of pain and wreckingly sad and frightened
BUT!

i just got an email

LOOK AT THIS!!

i'm so happy.
SO HAPPY.
yes i commissioned the amazing extra-vertebrae to draw nebisai and it just MADE MY NIGHT.
LOOK AT HIM THIS IS GREAT.
thank you so so so so much, i mean it.

so in light of tonight
to quote nebisai himself
"you are way too high-strung, bro. you gotta focus on the love!"

words of wisdom my good man. 100% applicable as of late.
so this is helping me/us change our focus, thanks to you too nebsy

remember what his virtue is
legit just religion. don't lose yours.
remember that the only true god, ever, is LOVE
and bank every single spiritual penny you have on that truth.

focus on that love. not the pain of this life. focus on what's eternal.

speaking of love
there's one more commission in the works and
well
i'll let you know about that one too.

as of right now i need sleep and i'm at least smiling now.
that means a lot.