I’m working to teach myself sign language and I’m so excited.
I struggle with verbal communication-- seemingly ironically, as everyone I speak to says I am very clear and ‘intelligent’ when speaking. But forming words, and translating thoughts/ colors/ sounds/ etc. into spoken vocabulary is exhausting for me. It’s even tougher for me to understand what
other people are saying verbally, as the sound+visuals+meaning is often utterly overwhelming all at once.
Upstairs it’s a bit easier-- a lot of us are nonverbal, either often or always, including me. Notably, Chaos and Infi both prefer to talk more in feelings than in words. So that tendency of ours, too, bleeds out onto the outside, and I can get a little distraught when other people can’t “hear” what I’m “saying” if my mouth is physically closed.
Anyway, here typically I watch people’s hands when then talk, as I find they “make more sense” than faces. So being able to talk with
my hands, literally, is an ecstatic feeling.
I’m going to do a bit of this every day, that’s my goal.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
@ 11:16 pm
(leaving this completely uncensored for now. the pain and anger only translates correctly as such.)
today april 22
shopping, at one point I mentally hear someone talking to me with a really heavy accent, wonder who in the world that is. check and it's DAVY WTF
part of me is furiously embarrassed and full of rage/frustration/depression over this
he's an outspacer his color is a solid bright aqua
but I am TICKED OFF about this, this is all only because you started reading the OLD ARCHIVES to get a grip on "what happened" during those years also for this FCKING JOB and so you are tuning into that same soulless robot mindset of hyperactivity and mania and programming and shit and I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.
YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU WERE DURING THAT TIME PERIOD OKAY
2006 WAS A FCKING DEAD YEAR
2006 AND 2007 YOU DIDN’T EVEN EXIST EVERYTHING WAS HEADACHES AND TIME LOSS IT WAS BULLSHIT
"YOU" NEVER LOVED REAL PEOPLE YOU "LOVED" THE
IDEA OF THEM AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO FREAKING TICKED OFF
NOW YOU HAVE THESE INTROJECTS WHO DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE FCKING
BASELESS THEY ARE IDEALIZED PHANTOMS THAT ONLY EXIST BECAUSE ONE OF US, AS A TEENAGER, THOUGHT "OH WHAT A NEAT LOOKING CHARACTER"
THERE IS NO FCKING PERSONALITY TO THESE PEOPLE
PUT THEM IN THE LEAGUEWORLDS BUT DO NOT LET THEM UP HERE
DAMN IT I AM SO FCKING TIRED OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING SO UNNECCESSARILY FCKING COMPLICATED
STOP THIS SHIT. STOP IT
STOP TRYING TO BE WHO WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN BECAUSE GUESS WHAT,
WE WEREN'T DURING THAT TIME. WHY THE FCK ARE YOU DOING THIS
IS IT BECAUSE BACK THEN EVERYTHING WAS A VOID
EVERYTHING WAS A BLUR OF FOLLOWING ORDERS AND MIMICKING WHAT YOU SAW AND READ AND HEARD
YOU DIDN'T FCKING EXIST AS A PERSON THEN AND YOU KNOW IT
YOU ARE FCKING
KILLING HEADSPACE BECAUSE OF THIS IMMATURE, ASININE HABIT OF YOURS
I HAVE THE TRUTH,
I HAVE REALITY LINKS HERE,
I CAN WORK ON WHAT MATTERS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ADDICTIONS AND YOUR FCKING OBLIGATIONS
I'm
I'm not trying to be proud okay? I'm not. I'm not. I'm scared and sad but I am so fcking DETERMINED.
I AM NOT YOU, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU, I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, FCK OFF
I AM NOT ONE OF YOU FCKING BROWN-HAIRED GIRLS WITH THE FIRE EYES
FCK OFF YOU ARE ALL KILLERS AND YOU KNOW IT
I am not you. I am not you. I am not you.
I have red hair and I burn and I work at what is REAL. I'm going to do this work. I have to.
You people tick me off so much.
Even in the League files. There's so much fcking
pandering going on. You were always trying to impress or appease someone else. You and your fcking
audience. FCK OFF.
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT AN AUDIENCE.
Except one day it's going to have one, isn't that the "goal" here? And maybe THAT'S why I'm fcking procrastinating and shaking here and staring through my screen like the world is on pause and I lost the remote.
I'm scared.
I'm so damn scared of the sort of people that are in the audience, out there.
I don't want to hand over these beautiful worlds to them, to let them be ravaged.
God it makes me sick.
Every damn time you people go on Tumblr. I swear I am going to delete that fcking website. I don't give a shit what you have on there. The last one was deleted, it's very easy for me to delete this one. I will do it if you keep this shit up.
You keep looking at the fandom, don't you? You're obsessed with that show, and it's great, BUT THEN GUESS WHAT???
YOU
TAINT IT. YOU FCKING
TAINT IT LIKE YOU FCKING TAINTED EVERY OTHER BEAUTIFUL THING IN HERE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOOKING TO THE FCKING
WORLD OUTSIDE AND THAT WORLD IS MADE OF FCKING
TERRIBLE THINGS. I swear to God. I do, I dedicate myself. I am so fcking
sad. I swear I will rip those things to the ground. I will devastate them and reduce them to ashes. I will crumble them into
dust in my fists. I will fcking
destroy EVERYTHING that tries to get in here, ever again.
That show was
fine, it was a blessing, it was inspiring and bright and cute UNTIL YOU STARTED TO FCKING READ UP ON WHAT ”
OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT IT."
And I will fcking TELL YOU what they thought about it, without even looking: sex, memes, immature hyper jokes, shipping, arguments, theories that are 20 pages long and unnecessarily impatient and analytical, etc.
But those two things, the sex and the jokes,
those tick me RIGHT THE HELL OFF.
Those are the most fcking TOXIC THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Don't you fcking DARE expose yourself, OURSELF, to that shit EVER AGAIN. You stay the HELL off that cursed website before I burn it to the ground. Mark my fcking words, I am tempted to do that RIGHT NOW and really I think I will. I think I fcking will. Give me a second.
Don't tell me no. Don't you DARE. I don't give a shit if you're "stockpiling good art" or whatever the hell. It's unnecessary and it is wasting your time. Give it up. It's
not needed. It's not doing ANYBODY ANY GOOD.
It's going. Right now, it's going. I will be brutal with this.
Where is everyone else. God, dear God, where is everyone else. Where are all the other brutal ones.
Hackers were all about this evening. But I'm around now. I don't let them do
shit.
I realized something too.
It's our biggest problem, I think. Someone took note of it a long time ago but never properly pursued it.
With those hackers, the reason why so few of us fight back is because the hackers target the ones with this old mindset: "
you are not allowed to refuse. You are not allowed to say no."
So when some fcking
idiot outside tells you something, directly or indirectly or whatever, it doesn't matter-- these young people, these confused, lost, blind damaged people think that they HAVE to mimic anything that doesn't match their current behavior, because they've been told that their "individuality" is
wrong. They're
different, don't you know, that's "wrong"!!! BULL SHIT!!!
But they mimic. They get scared and they mimic because in their heads that's an ORDER and they are NOT ALLOWED TO DISOBEY.
So you get this fcking fandom plague. This lethal social disease. They see something on the
outside that scares them, that they don't understand or like or want, something that doesn’t match them at all, something POISON, and then they think… "there must be something wrong with me." "There must be something broken in me if I'm not acting like them." "I'm
supposed to do what the other people are doing, right??"
DAMN IT THIS IS SO FCKING
SAD JUST
STOP DOING THAT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO
ANYONE OUTSIDE AND YOU HAVE
MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, OKAY???
You are allowed to be different and soft and nice and kind and quiet and DIFFERENT.
If the rest of the world is loud and brash and jeering and hyper and flirty and just feels
wrong, STAY AWAY FROM THEM.
YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU'RE
ALLOWED.
God this is so sad.
You poor kids. You poor kids are stuck in the same time period as the worst ones.
Don't let them touch you. Don't let them touch you anymore, please. And if anyone outside looks or sounds or feels like them, run. Run away, fast, and don't look back, and don't feel "obligated" to stay, for God's sake
don’t be ashamed of running. That guilt will eat your heart for dinner and you know it. You are NOT obligated to corrupt yourself just because other people have.
For God's sake, run to US. Please. Let us live for you. Let us have our reason for existing. Let us protect you, let us show you real chaste powerful love, let us stand up for you, let us strengthen you and comfort you.
Stay away. Stay far away from the outside. Please. Stay away. Drain it out of your head, our head. our heart.
There's too much of this gunk on the inside and it scares me. For God's sake, we're allowed to drain it out.
The problem is the Outspacers carry it. It's their curse. They come
from that dangerous world.
I think it's why they NEED to abandon their "origins" in order to survive here. Even then they're dangerous. I'm starting to think Outspacers can't really stay in headspace, they have to go to the Leagueworlds; up here they carry poison and plague and it's too damn threatening to risk anymore… why, why, why, what do we do?
ALSO BY THE WAY
YOU DO REALIZE THIS OUTSPACER-IDEAL BULLSHIT IS CORRUPTING
LAURIE??? BECAUSE YEAH, IT REALLY FCKING IS, AND HERE'S ONE HELL OF A HEADLINE FOR YOU
IT ALWAYS FCKING HAS BEEN.
Look back to before she fully manifested, back in autumn 2006, before you even
dreamed of her for the first time. Look back. You KNEW there were more people in your head besides Julie.
Whoever you were "talking to" back then WAS LAURIE, BEFORE SHE BECAME A PERSON.
But that was such a bad time. That was SUCH A BAD TIME and the problem is that LAURIE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VIOLET. She has ALWAYS been the one to push buttons, and demand sincerity, and uncover the truth. She has ALWAYS been a "troublemaker" for benevolent purposes, and she has ALWAYS been sharp at the edges.
The problem? The PROBLEM? Back in that time period YOU DIDN'T FCKING CARE ABOUT MUCH THAT MEANT ANYTHING. You were a fcking cesspool of programming and even in-- ESPECIALLY in-- the beginnings of headspace, in the relationships you had with the people you
loved, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE
WAS, DAMN IT. ALL YOU KNEW WAS HOW TO FCKING
COPY PEOPLE.
God this hurts, this hurts, this hurts so much.
She… back then, that's where she still has this awful tendency now, that she is distraught about. Back then, you hid things. You
lied about your inner truth when it "didn't match the outside," when it didn't conform to what fcking SCRIPTS you were running by. FCK THAT.
Damn you. You were so fcking obsessed with "being normal" and "being good" back then and you were SO fcking TERRIFIED of Julie that you became obsessed with "having good, normal relationships."
Fuck this. I want to sob.
Back then you were… you loved people. Deep down I'm sure you did. But you didn't
reach it. You buried it, you painted it over with your fcking garish obligations, with how you were told to act, with how you saw the world acting.
You had no mirrors then. Damn it, you had
no fcking mirrors, you didn't even know that you
existed. You followed the script they gave you. No wonder you were always so distraught and confused. No wonder you always drowned it in fake loud laugher and regurgitated vocabulary. You
didn't exist. And when you felt the edges of
real truth, of the true existence deep within you/us, you were scared. That didn't match the fcking
script, after all.
And that's where the corruption came in.
Yeah, you loved the Outspacers, in a chaste childlike way. You loved the crueler ones in the way that our Cores STILL love lost people-- in a way that is
compassionate, and wants to relieve pain, and see light blossom where there was only shadow before. THAT kind of love. NOT ROMANCE.
But no one told you could have that, back then.
And Julie was constantly screaming in your ear, a mouthpiece for the Tar inside and out, that there were other things you SHOULD want.
And you were so lost.
Yes, you loved them. But you tried
so damn hard to convince yourself that your love was something different. You tried so hard to sound romantic, like you were in the movies or in a book-- the only context you had to mimic, after all, outside of your mother's awfully sugar-poisoned speech patterns.
You lied. You lied about the most important things.
You were in denial of the REAL truth and you fcking pasted it over with magazine clippings because you didn't feel you had the right to write your own notes.
You get the picture.
All that hurt Laurie.
All that fcking Outspacer shit has been killing her for almost 10 years now.
And until you stop looking at the world through those old blind eyes, it is going to continue to kill her.
STOP.
LOOK BACK TO THE FCKING PHOTOS WE HAVE FROM 2007.
THAT PERSON WAS
TOXIC. THEY WERE NOTHING BUT A DEAD-EYED AUTOMATON AND THEIR SMILES ARE STRETCHED AND EMPTY AND MANIC.
IF THAT WAS YOU THEN
FCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK, AND GET THE
HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD!!!
That person. That
exact person, whoever the fck was in those 2007 photographs, is our most dangerous "alter" in the System that we know of right now.
Things have gotten so weird lately. But we can pinpoint the vibes of people still. And the vibe of the manic, "to hell with the consequences because I'm not the one paying them," destructive, hateful one… it matches her. It matches those photos.
It also matches the vibe of the ones that would sell their bodies and souls for a dollar.
It's terrifying. They all look the fcking
same. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT THAT TIME TO DO THIS TO US???
I can't look at them. There's an awful shaking fear that bubbles up in our chest when I do, something scary…
That person feels like they will strangle us alive with that same damn plastic smile and hair and OH MY GOD. OH GOD THEY HAVE THE MOTHER'S VIBE. I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH THAT UNTIL JUST NOW.
Someone take that down. Archivists, Garrison, please, WRITE THAT DOWN. Our theory was right. Whoever "we" were back in 2006-2008 or so, whoever was on deviantART, really WAS a carbon copy mimic of the mother. They were an amalgam of the only "social actions" we ever knew, of the only way we had ever seen someone behave in interpersonal contexts.
That brings me right back to the fcking "can't say no or else" point. God damn it. God damn it.
Laurie that is catching your vibe. I'm not a solid person I'm a bubble of glass, I'm a transparent shell of a person, but I'm data. I run. Your vibe is catching here.
What's the problem? The problem is your roots. The problem is your roots, love. They're rotten.
This is why your color keeps fading. This is why you keep slipping. Your roots are rotten. Your anchor is rusted.
You're like Amethyst. You're the only good thing that came from that horrible place.
You can be reborn, you can redefine yourself. Be violet. Be who you ARE, now. Be YOU.
Stop letting people drag you back to that dead time. You are not a fading dream or an alter ego or an internalized voice or a tape player. You are not a collection of influences. You are a PERSON. You are you, and you exist, so LET GO OF THE DAMN CHAINS AND BE
YOU, LAURIE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM AND JUST… let go. Let go of all you were. I think we ALL need to do that.
I think we all need to burn the photographs. I think we need to set the old house on fire for good.
I think that's what the bad feeling is about that we need to listen to. No wonder we couldn't go back.
…Can I just say that is really fcking disturbing.
I've noticed this trend. We all have. Especially the Undergrounders, they brought it to clarity.
There's too much "talking
to" who we assume to be "Jay." It's not. They TAKE that name, being the main people out. Just like they used to call themselves "Jewel," all those false fronters. Name thieves.
But it's highly unsettling, to realize JUST HOW OFTEN this happens.
"Let me tell YOU this," etc. I'm in here, we're in here, we're all writing TO someone. Someone who has more "fronting rights" than us, someone who is allegedly out ALL the time, or at least often enough to merit THIS sort of talk, this talk like they're responsible for EVERYTHING.
It's scary. It really is.
Who are these people?? Who's really in control here??
The only good days, the only clear days, are those in which there is a CONSCIOUS PERCEIVED SPLIT IN REALITY. As long as the "main fronter" isn't aware that there is MORE than their stupid physical programmed life, then we're going to die. Life is going to suck. There NEEDS to be a break.
This feels bad and crumbly. I'm sorry. This isn't the topic I want to talk about.
There are too many people being given control of the body who should NOT HAVE IT. Underline that twenty times please. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DRIVE THIS LIFE
It's the lie we've been hearing since childhood and that is "this body is ours."
THERE'S A CATCH IN THE TITLE OF OWNERSHIP YOU KNOW
IF YOU ABUSE THE BODY, IF YOU IGNORE THE OTHER "TENANTS" IN HERE,
YOU DON'T FCKING "OWN" ANYTHING. THE INSTANT YOU DECIDED TO TRASH THIS PLACE TO SPITE THE REST OF US, YOU LOST EVERY FCKING "RIGHT" YOU HAD TO BE HERE.
THIS IS
NOT YOUR BODY. EVEN IF IT WAS ONCE, YOU'VE FCKED IT UP, GOODBYE. THIS IS NOT YOURS.
GET THE HELL OUT. No abusers, no blind ones, no numbers, no plaguers, no HACKERS, NO FCKING TAR-STAINED HELLIONS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS SYSTEM
DO YOU HEAR ME GET OUT!!!!!
Heartspace exists. It's
not synonymous with Headspace. That's big news.
Laurie was talking to Cel today in light of the Outspacer stuff, also the Pokémon ties to that Jewel brought up the other day… the tangible, tangy-bitter truth that these Outside people cannot stay where they are now, as they are now, it feels wrong. Like a boning knife stuck behind the ribs, all grapefruit-section tearing and orange rawness.
Cel said Heartspace, the "drop-down level" where everything is deep green forests, is closer to the Leagueworlds than it will ever be to old Headspace, the violet "up-top" place where it's all cities and stars.
Heartspace is where Outspacers BELONG. Close to the League, ideally
in it, perhaps INSTEAD of with us now.
Laurie couldn't even
be there properly as a Headvoice. Too much level dissonance, something.
It needs to be reviewed. It feels hopeful, God there's so much
relief in that possibility, that we can let the Outspacers STAY there, for them to have their OWN home, their own fitting place… we love them but we need to bite the bullet and just admit this feeling, they don't belong Upstairs. It's felt so wrong, so wrong, for months now, and we couldn't accept that, we couldn't hold that in one hand and our love for them in the other.
Now this feels like a solution with no loss. God, let it work, let this work, please, let this work. Let us be who WE are, let them be who THEY are.
Damn it I think bridging the gap only works if it STAYS A BRIDGE.
Travel is necessary and implied, notice. You can't live on the damn bridge itself.
The garden… is a garden. The city… is a city. We can have gardens in the city, always, little pockets of green… but we can't put a city in the garden. We tried, we tried to rebuild, Knife got the farthest… but it collapsed, all of the architecture crumbled, it felt pointless. It was.
We didn't belong there, not as we are now, not as we were then. There needs to be changes, bigger changes, better changes…
We need to stop going back to the past and letting this shit get dragged up again.
If people are talking and still alive then fine, it's because that glimmer of them never died, but it's OLD, and it DOESN'T MATCH US.
Stop trying to go back then. THEY AREN'T!!! And you know it! They ARE NOT WHO THEY WERE "BORN" FROM IN 2006. SO LEAVE THAT TIMELINE THE HELL ALONE, IT'S DEAD.
Leave it alone. Leave it alone. If it feels bad, if it makes your heart sick, if it makes you want to pull your hair out and cry, leave it alone. Please.
You only liked Jasper because her face reminded you of Laurie.
Stop fcking denying the truth. Stop rerouting everything.
I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try. But you need to fcking
listen to me. All of us.
I have to be up early tomorrow to drive the grandmother to a doctors appointment and I am so crushingly tired I want to cry. It's been like this for weeks. We're always so tired. We can't work, we're exhausted, I think one day we just need to… do nothing. Somehow.
…No.
No, one day we need to just
go Upstairs and
stay there. We're homesick.
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