the spectrum heart cathedral system

For lack of a better term: all these individuals were the "default fronter" in musical settings, and may have been splinter cores. Nevertheless the ties to music as a whole speak to a great significance in the System function.

(later note: yeah we started this for music but it's become SO MUCH MORE than that. still, music is an unexplored and important anchor, ESPECIALLY FOR MEMORY.)

(another note: SOME OF THESE KIDS (like jarda & jheriz) WERE OBVIOUSLY NOT CORES. THEY HAD HYPERSPECIFIC FRONTING CIRCUMSTANCES, usually tied TO their music banks. That means there WAS a Bloodline EXTANT PARALLEL TO THEM.)

(AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE: I was wondering why there seem to be frontliners that ONLY fronted for musical circumstances? Well that is ACTUALLY CORRECT. They existed as a very specific subspecie of corpufoni, MEANT to be COMPLETELY ISOLATED from ALL other bodybased activity, INCLUDING THE SOCIALS. These unique "music fronters" literally existed ONLY to listen to music. That was HOW WE SURVIVED. They existed in this bubble of wonder and untouched joy that probably kept us alive during the trauma that we were completely unable to process at the time.)

------------------------------------------

ARTISTS THAT NEED TO FIND THEIR ASSOCIATED CORE/PSEUDO/SOCIAL &/OR DEFINITIVE TIME PERIOD(S):

• COUSTEAUX
• EW&F (definitely an elementary kid, but when?)
• The Flashbulb (iTunes era?)
• Jukebox the Ghost (BEFORE the massacre)
• Beirut (Last.fm era for sure)
• Brian Setzer (high school obsession, but whom?)
• Empire of the Sun (BEFORE SLC??)
• Everything Everything (BEFORE Scalpel)
• Daley (NIGHT FRONTER.)
• Allen Stone (Flairousia summer)
• Imogen Heap (Oneircia era)
• Hauschka
• Bersarin Quartett (very unique era and particular person)
• Orson (One of the radio kids?)
• PUNCH BROTHERS (I know it was Jay, but when?)
• Hiatus Kaiyote

SUPER OLD "ORIGINAL KID?" MEMORIES: 1993-1995?? The absolute earliest child. The spark of every flame to come after.
"JESSILYN." The ORIGINAL given-name kiddo and honestly the ONLY person with the RIGHT to that name. I don't think we had any pseudonyms at this point because we didn't see ourself as an individual yet, and certainly not "human." We kinned dragons & unicorns & bats & pterosaurs. Our color was magenta. It was a very different time of life.
Liked Winnie the Pooh, Mighty Mouse, the Pink Panther, Babar, Dudley the Dragon, and the MAGIC KISSING DRAGONS (1994). We remember seeing those IN STORES and begging mom for them.
Very sweet kid. DREW THE "BABY EATERS" THOUGH.
We have very little first-person EXTERNAL memory of being this child. What we do remember has to do with either extreme emotions (those baby-eaters) or our IMAGINATION, notably with our "DREAM FRIENDS"-- at this point being Unisalia, My Cobra & his band, and the original JEWEL ALIENS & JEWEL DINOSAURS!!!
Her music largely comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma.
"Solid anchor in HOME, no internal self-presence yet. Her life clung hard to every warm note of safety she heard in these songs.”

• ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK
• PAUL ANKA
• ANDY WILLIAMS
• NEIL SEDAKA
• BARRY MANILOW
• RITA COOLIDGE

OLDEST MEMORIES: 1996-1997? 1995-1998? Pre-social childhood.
"ARBUTUS" codename. Sense of self tied to CHILDHOOD HOME LIFE. Key "image" is the arbutus flowers in the yard when we went exploring, and the wisteria bush outside our bedroom window. Also tied to the scent of the cream-flower bedding, the old yellow rug, the ivory cushion bench we would hide stuff in, the old standup bathroom mirror, etc. ANCIENT memories.
INDOORS & NON-SOCIAL CORE!!!! Also MAGENTA CORE?
EXTREMELY CREATIVE KID, because living inside & without social contact/ close parenting, her days were saturated with MEDIA. She is NOT anchored in the home, but in that MEDIA!!
Her music still comes from listening to cassette tapes in bed with grandma, mostly. We had virtually no other non-movie exposure.
DRAGONHEART WAS 1996 AND WE REMEMBER IT!!!
She also has ties to HERCULES (toys were 1996), GUMBY (1995), PRETTY PIGGIES, CARE BEARS, STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE, FERNGULLY, WE'RE BACK, THE SECRET OF NIMH, THE LAST UNICORN, THE BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER, and THE LAND BEFORE TIME (ozzy and strut are an injoke TO THIS DAY).
Don't forget the oddly notable impact we also had from the Chipmunks Adventure, Pooh's Grand Adventure, the Rescuers, Tubby the Tuba, Raggedy Ann & Andy's Musical Adventure, and the Jetsons movie!
Books were ANIMORPHS (1996), WHISPER THE UNICORN, "THE DRAGONS ARE SINGING TONIGHT," and "DRAGONS AROUND THE WORLD." All hugely influential.
She ALSO had the FIRST VIDEO GAME EXPOSURE with ECCO THE DOLPHIN!!!
POKEMON DID NOT EXIST YET!!!!!
LEAGUEWORLDS WERE MY COBRA, ZIMBO THE ALIEN, THE SNEAKERS, and THE UNICORNS

• Kid's movie soundtracks

SCHOOL MEMORIES BEGIN: 1998-2000?
"WISTERIA". COLOR SHIFTED FROM PINK TO PURPLE. This kid has LIFE in her!
She shares house-environment feelings with Arbutus, BUT THIS KID ALSO HAS SOCIAL MEMORY. Arbie did NOT.
Pokemon hit at last, and schoolmates start to bring their music in.
LOTS OF BOOKS AND TELEVISION, from the school library and mom, respectively.
This was BEFORE video games became a solid part of our life!!! So there was NO STABLE "FOUNDATION" TO BLOOM FROM at this point, BUT we could feel it when Pokemon started arriving on classmate's lunchables boxes, haha.
Her sense of self was SHIFTING & FRAGMENTED and we saw only glimpses of it in her creative writing.
THIS WAS THE FURBY KID (CHRISTMAS 1998)!!!
SHE ALSO LOVED TAMAGOTCHI ANGELS (1998), DIGIMON (JAN 1998), BEANIE BABIES (BATTY WAS 1997, STINGER WAS 1998), MLP G2 (1998), ASTEROIDS PS1 (1998; arguably our FIRST GAMES), A BUG'S LIFE (1998), and STAR TREK VOYAGER (8472 into 1998).
SHE ALSO HAD A "POCKET PIKACHU" (1999) AND TOOK IT EVERYWHERE.
Also Jason & the Argonauts?? I think this was when mom started to show us more "adult" movies.
BOOKS were mainly ANIMORPHS, Goosebumps, but also THE PRINCE OF WHALES!!!!

• 101 STRINGS???
• Lying on mom's bed and listening to "Instrumental Gold" on loop with the bros
• Some stuff from mom & dad: the Beatles, Kenny Loggins, Jeff Beck, Bruce Mitchell, etc.
• Bruce Mitchell

THE VERY FIRST JEWEL LIGHTRAYE: 2000-2002?
WE FINALLY GAIN A DISTINCT & TRUE SENSE OF SELF and she's a RED CORE.
Moralimon is our LIFE at this point.
MARCH 2000 WE MET CELEBI!!!!
JULY 2000 WAS THE POKEMON 2000 MOVIE. This was referenced in the POKEWORLD-WAR JOURNALS.
OCTOBER 15TH 2000 WAS POKEMON SILVER. We bought it ASAP after the release.
APRIL 2001 WAS THE THIRD MOVIE. WE REMEMBER SEEING IT!!!! That is UNHEARD OF!!!
THIS WAS ALSO WHEN WE GOT KLONOA and that CHANGED OUR ENTIRE LIFE
Other games: RIPTO'S RAGE was HUGE (2000), also Rayman? (1999), Buzz Lightyear (2000), and the racing games we would just go wild with haha. We'd customize cars for Moralimon and then purposely drive backwards on the track SOLELY to smash into other cars in the most dramatic way possible.
BIONICLE WAS 2001!!!! That was an ABSOLUTELY MONUMENTAL INFLUENCE TOO.
So were our books-- this era included A WIND IN THE DOOR, YOUNG WIZARDS, THE SEVENTH TOWER, DELTORA QUEST, and BALINOR!!
WALKMAN DAYS!! ALSO the days of the MIXTAPES!!!
SHE WORE THE POCKET PIKACHU 2 (2001) EVERYWHERE. That was attached to our belt, nonstop, for YEARS. She adored it.
THIS WAS THE TIME PERIOD OF THE WS MUSIC CAMP, aka our HUGE CRUSH ON HOLLI, and the FIRST TIME WE SANG. We were hooked for life, on both choir and cute chicks, haha.
ALSO, REMEMBER, STARTING AUGUST 2001 WAS POKEMON CRYSTAL AND WE HAVE CARDIOPHAGY MEMORIES TIED TO THAT. This Jewel was the REAL DEAL, ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
Lastly, the most important distinction to remember with this kid? SHE WAS NOT A TEENAGER, and she was NOT INTERACTIVE ONLINE!!!! SHE SPENT ALL HER TIME TYPING FOR THE LEAGUE.
Jewel was an absolute creative force; her imagination was unstoppable.

• The key to remembering her tunes: JEWEL MONSTERS. Probably lots of mom-given stuff.
• BASIA & GLORIA were BOTH Moralimon "karaoke" songbanks.
• Windham Hill samplers
• Yanni
• GEORGE WINSTON
• WINDHAM HILL
• "PREMIERE" piano album
• ELO???? Remember it was first the OST for SYNDOULOID!!!!! Try to feel out those memories for a timestamp!

arguably "CRYSTAL"??? the first SOCIAL SPLINTER of a Jewel??? 2001-2002??
Although existing at the same time as Jewel, JEWEL WAS INTERNALLY BASED. She existed vividly, but ONLY IN LEAGUE CONTEXTS!!! On the outside, SOMEONE ELSE WAS FRONTING WITH FAMILY & SCHOOL. We're thinking THIS is that kid.
Her music is therefore influenced by WHAT MOM PLAYED WHEN DRIVING. I think the key distinction would be that THESE songs WERE LARGELY NOT TIED TO THE LEAGUE (they didn't often match the vibe)-- and we ONLY HEARD THEM WHILE IN A CAR.
She is also POWERFULLY TIED TO THAT MUSIC CAMP as a result of the drives up & back.

• BASIA, notably "The Sweetest Illusion," during that awful porch summer with mom cleaning
• Grand Funk Railroad
• Eagles
• Boston
• Oliver
• k d lang??

THE "RUBY" JEWEL: 2002-2003?
Her time period is SUPER INTERESTING.
On one hand, SHE was the kid who FIRST got the crushes on RYOU & MARIK, in which her vibe feels VERY similar to the original Jewel-- it was LEAGUE-BASED. She began to write CROSSOVER COMICS/FICS in which she was hailing FROM THE DREAM WORLD, AS A WORLDJUMPER. She was not yet "LINKED" to anyone yet; she was only just unspooling the thread!!!
Her personal journal (the "daffodil" one) became MANIC in tone in 2004, BUT IMMEDIATELY PRIOR IN 2003, it was MARKEDLY sweeter and more sentimental, and it is ALSO where she drew herself sitting under that tree WITH RIO, with her Klonoa hair BUT in her "NEW OUTFIT". Even then we remember feeling a personality-anchor change inside. Her personality was SPLITTING and it was VERY OBVIOUS.
SHE WAS A TEEN AND IDENTIFIED AS SUCH. THE ORIGINAL JEWEL DID/DOES NOT!!!
SHE ALSO STOPPED TYPING for the most part, as her ENTIRE FUNCTION QUICKLY SHIFTED FROM THE LEAGUE TO HEARTSPACE!!!!!
WAS SHE THE ONE WHO STARTED THE "~thoughts~" FILE??? (HAD TO BE-- it was PKMN/LEAGUE aesthetics, and the first entry in there she IDENTIFIES AS CELEBI. GO CHECK DATES)
As for notable dates:
Yugioh began airing 2002, with Battle City beginning in NOVEMBER 2002. That was when we got into it; the previous Jewel AVOIDED IT out of "rivalry"; it was either YGO or PKMN and she chose the latter. (This is ALSO why we NEVER had a Digimon-core; our "exclusive loyalty" mindset prevented that)
Pokemon Ruby was also released in MARCH 2003. That was HER ANCHOR GAME. She also "had a crush on Blaziken" which is notable.
SHE WAS NOT INTO SONIC YET. SHE WAS STILL 100% POKEMON.
OH YEAH BUT SHE PLAYED STARCRAFT. That affected the League more than anything at first.
APRIL 27TH 2003 WAS THE CHER FAREWELL TOUR!!!
WE HAD A PURPLE BOOMBOX and a PORTABLE CD PLAYER as well as our trusty Walkman.
This kid BEGAN TO GO THROUGH MOM'S CD COLLECTION, which exposed us to SO MUCH NEW STUFF.
A HUGE DISTINCTION: THIS KID DIDN'T HAVE ACCESS TO INTERNET MUSIC YET!!!!!
HOWEVER WE WERE ONLINE NOW. She also started our NEOPETS ACCOUNT!
Don't forget, she was ALSO MORALIMON FOCUSED-- but THIS was when PART TWELVE HAPPENED, which shifted EVERYTHING in a much more emotionally raw direction. Also VEZ.
ALSO THIS WAS THE FIRST CORE TO OPENLY ACKNOWLEDGE BEING MULTIPLE!!! This was because HEARTSPACE OPENED UP and she began to exist as a person IN FIRST PERSON, instead of third!!!
LASTLY, remember how I mentioned Starcraft? THIS IS ALSO WHEN WE MET WALDORF!!!

• Pokemon OSTs
• CHER obviously
• ENRIQUE IGLESIAS (2002)
• LA BOUCHE???? I think that was HER, because SHE was the FIRST "radio kid" technically, but ALL HER TUNES WERE MORALIMON ASSIGNED. Not so for the later kids; that switched to HEARTSPACE!!!

CELEBI, NOT CELEBREON, WAS OUR POKE2/MEWACHU PRESENCE ONLINE.
Her vibe was tied to JEWEL, NOT HOSEKI.
2001-2002, arguably?
NO ONE HOLDS HER MEMORIES. Even when we visit her old websites, WE HAVE NO FIRST-PERSON RECALL. Her vibe is TOTALLY DIFFERENT than anyone else's. Literally NO ONE HOLDS THOSE MEMORIES BUT HER. They are shockingly hyper-exclusive.
WE WERE FULLY AWARE SHE WAS "SOMEONE ELSE" IN OUR HEAD. We clearly remember CHANNELING writing "from her perspective" and being disconcerted as to "why it didn't sound/feel like us." SWITCHINESS BRO. But yeah this was 2002.
Remember she was LEAGUE-ANCHORED and LIVED IN THE MORALIMON WORLD.

• I THINK SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "CELTIC" STUFF??? (Bruce Mitchell)

The FIRST Jewel-splinter took over as the "main" Social, and that was CELEBREON!!!
HER time period was 2004.
Remember we were ACTIVELY IDENTIFYING AS NONHUMAN DURING THIS TIME-- when we tried to draw ourself AS "JEWEL," IT DIDN'T PING. (Remember the "Christmas outfit" existential crash!) WHICH IS BIZARRE BUT HUGELY IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER.
She feels UNIQUELY SEPARATE from ALL the "Jewel" splinters!!!!
Her memories begin in LATE SEVENTH GRADE and STOP IN EIGHTH GRADE!!!!
ALSO. Remember this was when we wrote PaRS for school, and we were a self-insert... AS CELEBREON.

• CHER. For some reason SHE feels tied to that era even moreso than Ruby.

THE "SPINNINGCANNON" BLOODLINE IS BORN: 2004
TECHNICALLY A TEMPORARY BLOODLINE NAME "SHIFT" TO "HOSEKI"???

(THERE ARE DISTINCTIONS HERE THAT NEED TO BE CLARIFIED. THERE WERE SEVERAL INDIVIDUALS HERE-- THE "JEWEL" BASE, THE HOSEKI SHIFT, AND BLACKBERRY)

HOSEKI = “2004? The end of the GBA era, as we moved into the internet era. The first SHIFT in the Jewel bloodline.”

BLACKBERRY = “2004! Our first fully online Core, after Hoseki laid the foundation. But this kid was FULL TIME ANIME.”
SHE WAS “MEW BLACKBERRY.” I THINK this is also the “Jewel” that drew herself with Genesis in the old diary?? She looked TOTALLY DIFFERENT from anyone before.
Also, WAS "BLACKBERRY" OUR "FLCL" KID???
They were NOTABLY out around CHRISTMAS, listening to the OSTS, which were released in LATE 2004, and we remember someone buying it NEW at FYE. So this was LATE 2004- LATE 2005, and this is a VERY DISTINCT VIBE. 
WE KNEW GENESIS in that vague memory when we were blasting "Penalty Life" while putting up the Christmas tree with grandma!


JEWEL-SPCN = “2004. Chaos 0 and J-Rock. Our heart was waking up.”


OUR FIRST FULLY "ONLINE" CORE. ALSO OUR FIRST "VIDEO GAME" CORE!!!
LOTS OF ANIME EXPOSURE. "Sailor X," "Mew Blackberry," etc.
Her main distinction is that she was SELF-ANCHORED. ALL of her true associations were LINKS. If she got into a fandom, she LITERALLY "GOT INTO" IT!!!
Starting to branch out into "non-family" music, thanks to the internet AND now having BOTH permission to be more "free" in public AND an earned "allowance" to buy stuff at Waldenbooks & FYE (instead of Pokemon cards, which the previous Jewel spent her music cash on).
HUGE shift in personality; with high school on the horizon, and queer feelings under the rug, this kid was a quick but notable "break" from the "Ruby" Jewel, shifting hard focus from the LEAGUE to FANDOMS.
Remember her Freewebs site; she was SHEER HYPER MANIA... BUT WITH MANIA COMES RAGE.
SHE WAS OUR FIRST EVER "CORE" TO HAVE A DARK SIDE.
This was also the SONIC CHAT era, which says a LOT about her state of mind.
MEDIA: FFI, SONIC BATTLE, BIONICLE MASK OF LIGHT, STARCRAFT BROOD WAR, DOKAPON, SONIC ADVANCE 3!!! She also got Pokemon Emerald but DIDN'T LIKE IT. She also CLEARLY "REMEMBERS" NOT FEELING LIKE THE SAME "JEWEL" FROM RUBY. She even named her team differently, which was MONUMENTAL.
MANGA & ANIME: SAILOR MOON, FLCL, CHRONO CRUSADE, TOKYO MEW MEW, DI GI CHARAT, X/1999, GUNDAM SEED, DRAGONBALL Z. Just learning what anime was and we LOVED IT.
THIS WAS THE SONIC INVERSION YEAR, when it became a legit World of its own.
This was ALSO the "CHIBIKERRIGAN" YEAR.
IT'S ALSO THE LOTR & POTC YEAR, and those four latter fandoms were ALL BONDING WITH VIRAL.
Something else that's key: I THINK SHE FIRST WORE THE "CATHEDRAL BURST" GLITTER SHIRTS??? and stuff from "FANG" and "SELF ESTEEM." Absolute glittery Y2K fashion, with dragon belts and anime hair and spandex jeans with oversized sneakers.  it was awesome.
HOWEVER. SHE WAS NOT "IN LOVE"... AT FIRST. You remember the written chats with AMG; even then, SHE WAS TOO MANIC, even DELUSIONAL, and almost VIOLENT at times. 
We really didn't "fall in love" deep until we started work, and our entire System's fronting mechanism had to change, making a VERY HEAVY BREAK between "socials" and "dreamers," as it were. But that comes later!
This kid was too wild. She was obsessed with Skitty, Deoxys, and Jirachi. She liked Marik because HE was wild, too. She WANTED TO BE HARUKO HARUHARA.
HOWEVER don't forget that this kid was ALSO CLOSET QUEER. She was getting feelings for girls A LOT now, and deep down she DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ONE-- hence that "magazine epiphany" that rocked her world and PROBABLY BROKE HER FUNCTION CLEAN TO PIECES.
Honestly there was a LOT GOING ON PERSONALITY-WISE during this time. We KNEW there were "other people" in our head, INCLUDING CELEBI, JULIE, WALDORF, "MY THREE," AND ARGUABLY LAURIE. And we EXPLICITLY WROTE IN A JOURNAL THAT (EFFECTIVELY) "JEWEL IS THE REAL ME, BUT I'M NOT ME ON THE OUTSIDE." We remember struggling to try to explain to people why we "didn't act like ourself," and how existentially terrifying that was, to not be able to control who we were in public. We HATED the dissonance. But we KNEW there were splits. 
As a result THIS time period is going to be the HARDEST to pinpoint musically, but once we do, that is going to shed a LOT of light on things. Expect much typing.

• SPINNINGCANNON (the one who wrote music and drew on Bitmap? she WAS MANIC at first): Freewebs & Geocities BGMs. Chrono Trigger, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon... stuff we heard playing on other people's websites. Golden memories, honestly. It was like a whole world in there.
• SEAL, BUT ENTIRELY BY ACCIDENT. I wonder if that even stuck with us yet?
• THE KILLERS???? Remember that was a MORALIMON ALBUM! but it also HELD OUR "DARKER" EDGE, something VERY NEW AND IMPORTANT.
• FLCL OST and "the pillows" in general. Our "J-Rock" intro phase was CRUCIAL. It marked the BIG SHIFT in our Jewel-core's heart as a result of FALLING IN LOVE WITH CHAOS 0. Remember those were HIS ALBUMS.
• L'ARC~EN~CIEL. This was Chaos's flagship album, and a milestone in our life.
• T.M.Revolution, which was HOSEKI'S vibe!! She loved everything Gundam; remember Sazabi & Bakunetsumaru???
• Basia's "Time and Tide" album because QUEER FEELINGS AHOY
• QUEEN, due to realizing that ONE SONG was in Japanese. I clearly remember this was during the "DEOKISHISU" era (2004 movie), and also Gollum-coughing constantly. That was the MOST MANIC WE'VE EVER BEEN.
• TODD RUNDGREN???? When exactly did he become central to our musicsphere? Remember Dad HID the albums "until we were older" but we snuck "Second Wind" off the top shelf one day and were IMMEDIATELY FLOORED. We looped it for MONTHS.

REMEMBER--- THE "SPINNINGCANNON" NAME ARGUABLY BECAME A BLOODLINE OF ITS OWN ONCE WE BECAME MORE SOCIALLY ACTIVE ONLINE, ESPECIALLY ON DEVIANTART!!!!! HER ULTIMATE PERSONALITY WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE MANIC HOSEKI ROOTS!!!

THE FIRST SPINNINGCANNON WAS THE KID WHO WAS ALWAYS ON NOTEWORTHY COMPOSER??? I assume so because THAT'S HOW SHE SIGNED EACH TRACK. She wrote some darn good stuff too!
She LIVED ON THE COMPUTER and THAT is her key distinction from Hoseki. Spinny spent ALL her time looking and creating, personally and quietly. Hoseki spent her time TALKING AND HEARTSPACING.
BY THE WAY... WE STILL HAVE THE WINDOWS 98 IN OUR CLOSET... WITH ALL HER FILES. GET A FREAKIN' KEYBOARD & SCREEN AND LET'S BOOT THAT BABY UP


"spinningcannon" time period but OFFLINE??? 2003-2004.
Codename "JIRAI" because remember she SHIFTED FROM CELEBI/CELEBREON TO JIRACHI!!!!
Non-manic, quiet, secretive, sweet, candid, EMOTIONAL.
“Quiet mornings, quiet feelings. Our last "legendary girl", who fizzled out when high school hit hard. Introspective, sweet, candid, naive, mysterious, loving.”
NOT SOCIAL!!!! THEREFORE CAPABLE OF LOVE!!!!
DON'T EVER FORGET SKITTYGIRL, her very existence speaks VOLUMES as to the state of our innerself beneath the social mess. Hoseki DIDN'T DEAL WITH HER; that was all UNDER THE RADAR.
I THINK she was ALSO THE ONE WHO WROTE ALL THAT LOVE POETRY ON THE OLD COMPUTER???? She would listen to instrumental "new age"/piano music (mom's stuff) WHILE writing it, and I remember she saved it to that FLOPPY DISC WITH CELEBREON DRAWN ON IT. We were in elementary school still because it was lost on Ms. R's computer!!!

• KEANE???? That would mean SHE WAS OUR FIRST REAL SINGER???
• ENYA!!!
• MORE YANNI
• WINDHAM HILL??? Again, from mom.
• PAUL SCHWARTZ?

An UNEXPECTED person that we can ONLY place from album release dates-- someone from 2004-2005 with CAR MEMORIES who is TANGIBLY SHIFTING TO THE HIGH SCHOOL TIMELINE, BUT who is tied more to FAMILY??
Very unusual. Feel out their memories; they are NOTABLY unique.
Codename "JOBI" for obvious reasons-- also because they STILL had powerful ties to CELEBI.

• U2
• BON JOVI

++++++ELEMENTARY ENDS +++ HIGH SCHOOL STARTS+++++++


RADIO KID: 2004-2005?
"JHERIZ" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan.Oh my gosh that channel was a GOLDMINE.
She was SO UNIQUE. She was the FIRST kid to start DANCING, and to HAVE FUN when listening to music. We owe a lot to her, as a legit healthy Social frontrunner.
“Laughing, dancing, singing, feeling bright and happy and alive."

• The Aquabats
• Super Furry Animals
• "I CAN'T GET BEHIND THAT" and "show respect to Michael Jackson..."
• VHS OR BETA!!!
• SMASH MOUTH?
• IMA ROBOT?? Or were they starting to bleed into darker folks?
• TITO NIEVES! Remember we were low-key obsessed with Spanish music around this time!!

RADIO KID #2 2004-2005?
"JARDA" codename.
WUSR Scranton fan as well, but TOTALLY DIFFERENT MOOD. You can FEEL the switches BETWEEN these twins; they do NOT hold the same brainspace!!
This kid was KEY to our maturation internally; she was NOT A SOCIAL and she held some CANNON VIBES-- darker stuff that we were only now learning how to admit.
"Anthems and honesty. Learning how to speak truth in music. Driven, emotive, and anchored within-- a first step towards maturity.”

• HARD-FI
• THE KILLERS
• HOT HOT HEAT
• ROONEY
• THE HOOSIERS?
• IMA ROBOT?

THE "NIGHTMAREN" KID (2004-2005)
Codename "JESTER," because they were using "psychomaren97" as a username at first.
THIS IS WHOEVER MET GENESIS in 2005.
They were OBSESSED WITH NiGHTS INTO DREAMS & WTAHM / iMAGNiREALM, AND took MASSIVE PERSONALITY CUES from PARALOOP.NET!!!
They were INSANELY PROLIFIC and VERY active on deviantART BUT REMEMBER IT WAS ALL NiGHTS-BASED!!! That was their ANCHOR.

• The NiGHTS OST, OBVIOUSLY
• THE KLONOA OST. Although we had long loved the game, we didn't get our hands on the soundtrack until now. I remember we would listen to it on the bus, on Miriel, WITH GENESIS.
• TRiPPY's music.
• PHANTOM OF THE FREAKIN' OPERA. That was THE soundtrack to our NiGHTS spinoff for YEARS.
• ARGUABLY the KLONOA OST???? Remember we got a HUGE resurgence of love for the game AS ITS OWN THING, and became LEGIT OBSESSED WITH LORE

THE REAL "SPINNINGCANNON" (2005)
The username gained its OWN SOLID IDENTITY at this time.
TRIGUN, GENERAL GRIEVOUS, BARRY THE CHOPPER, AND ZATCH BELL.

• The Trigun OST, OBVIOUSLY
• SONIC ADVANCE OST???

THE BASILICA BUS KID!!!!! (2005?)
"JACILI" codename. KEYPOINT.
I mention them particularly because they hold the ONLY SOLID MEMORIES we have for ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL.
If we could ever find their old burned CDs, we'd be set for life, haha.

• Supertramp
• Chicago
• America?
• ZATCH BELL "character songs"??

"ROADTRIP MELANCHOLY" KID: 2006-2007
"JEANOVE" codename.
Long drives in the backseat, thunderstorms, feeling lost and unwanted.
"Long bitter car trips. Feeling estranged from reality. Melancholia. Detachment from family begins as it falls apart outside."
ALSO would shadow at work??? Any time we felt existentially hollow, she would show up.
NOTABLE "HOPEFUL EDGE" to this kid. They're not depressive-doomed; they're aching bitter. This was a very rough time of our life.
SHE WAS THE ONE OBSESSED WITH "1984" and "CATCH-22"!!!!

• Keane "THE IRON SEA"
• The Doves "SOME CITIES"
• Aqualung
• Coldplay? Only secondhand; we never owned the albums.
• SAM'S TOWN
• The Eels

"WORK & VACATION" KID: 2006-2007??
"JEVY" codename.
The "social flipcrash" to our feeling utterly gutted.
Transformers Cybertron, Davy Jones, Metroid, Niagara Falls, FMA, VIRTUAL ON. "Social mania" soaked into main. Very specific vibe, TIED TO FANDOMS.WAS THIS THE KID WHO STARTED RUNNING ALL THE TIME???
WAS THIS ALSO THE "KAIJU BIG BATTEL" KID?????

• ELO, notably "Secret Messages"
• STEELY DAN

"LIMEWIRE" KID. 2007.
Codename "JELIM." May or may not be her own person; she was NOT A SOCIAL though and LIVED INDOORS.
Giving her a very particular spot for now because we discovered some very particular stuff via the interwebs and most of it DOESN'T MATCH ANYONE ELSE.
"We discovered the internet was FULL OF MUSIC! This kid is anchored INDOORS, with almost no social exposure.”

• The Prodigy
• The Doves
• Frou Frou
• AMR DIAB!!! GOD BLESS THIS KID SHE GOT US HOOKED ON SOUTH ASIAN TUNES

LONG-HAIR "ANIMA/GAIA": 2007?
"AENIMA" codename.
"The inexplicably green girl with her eyes full of stars and her heart made of glass."
HUGE SHIFT in personality here, almost a FUGUE. Memories surrounding her are VIRTUALLY NONEXISTENT.
VERY particular mood. SCHOOL/ONLINE ONLY; she was NOT around the family???
Probably the MOST FEMALE "CORE" WE EVER HAD. And she actually resonated GREEN????
SHE WAS ALSO TECHNICALLY A MUTINEER; possibly the first one. REMEMBER SHE TRIED TO BOTH DENY AND "SEPARATE FROM THE SYSTEM", TO THE POINT OF LITERALLY MURDERING NATALIE AND LYNNE.

• Q-Lok's music
• THE EELS? I know Jheriz discovered them, but Aenima really stuck to that one song.
• One Year Yesterday??? We're trying to figure out where the heck they fit b/c there's like no memory attached to them; this MIGHT BE WHY. We're missing so much data from this time period, tragically.
• On that note, was SHE the one who listened to the Piano Tribute Players???

"WORK CRISIS" KID (2007)
"LUPINNE" codename.
Close to Cannon, but panicked. Less dark, more fear. VERY specific vibe, and clear, because existential terror makes the memory kick in!
DISTURBING undertone to everything. "Liminal" feeling to life.
"The first steps into the break. Harbinger of the Cannon era. Edges of psychosis beginning to show. Detaching from reality bit by bit."

• Boy Kill Boy
• The Drowners
• Minus the Bear
• LCD Soundsystem??

"ANOMALY" ERA: 2008.
"JANO" codename.
Cannon bloodline roots. DARK. Remember the bus ride to MOMA. High school ending, and we wanted to burn it all down and start over.
"Edges starting to show. Bus trips to NYC. Losing ties to the past. Slow burning anger we didn't understand.”
JTHM, INVADER ZIM, EVANGELION???
I THINK THIS IS WHEN THE SYSTEM WOKE UP FOR GOOD. WE HAD THE XANGA AT THIS TIME.

• Incubus
• Billy Talent
• Muse
• Alien Ant Farm

"JX7." 2008.
VERY STRANGE sudden shift. Semi-fugue??? ONLINE ONLY. Also GREEN!!
Obsessed with Pokemon.

• JAPANESE POKEMON ANIME + MOVIE OSTS

The "SYSTEM HEART" that SOMEHOW STILL EXISTED beneath all this. (2005-2008? In FRAGMENTS)
This person ONLY EXISTED IN PRIVATE, NONSOCIAL SETTINGS, but they were the TRUE HEART OF US. They "evolved" from whoever was with Genesis, as we got older and life got darker.

• JARVIS COCKER!!!!
• JOHN RUTTER!!! (Gloria: Vivace e Ritmico)

++++++HIGH SCHOOL ENDS +++ COLLEGE STARTS++++++


Another "work driver" kid, but the FIRST one with a "MARYWOOD" vibe. 2008.
"JEMU" codename.
Constant anxious burn beneath choking sadness. Feeling utterly displaced. Clinging to music, which was now becoming a real lifeline for us. Discovered iTunes.
"Existential split after college started. Long drives to work. Despair always lurking. No rage, no mania, only a wrenching sense of loss.”

• Sondre Lerche
• People in Planes?
• Rooney (second album)?
• VHS or Beta (second album)
• KILLERS DAY & AGE???

CANNON ERA: 2008-2009.
"Everything changed with her. Muted rage, muffled mania, mourning in blood. Gym rat, trauma truant, truth spitter. Fire in her very veins.”
NOT at night???
She had a WEIRD start.
WAS SHE THE ONE TIED TO WATCHMEN????

• MIDICRONICA, on loop at the gym while she burned off the rage
• "Burn It All Down" was her ANTHEM.
• Cubbiebear??? We were listening to that in 2012 though!! Was she still around or did SOMEONE ELSE pick it up???
•  

GLISSANDO ERA: 2008-2009.
Late nights on Apollo, blue city backgrounds, Jena's eyes, Dori's words. NIGHT ONLY.
"Rainy eyes, starry nights. Basically lived at our Macbook at 3am at the bar table.”

• The Books
• haruka nakamura? or was that someone else?
• Coldplay
• MAX RICHTER!!! We remember when "24 Postcards In Full Color" was RELEASED
• BENJAMIN BUTTON OST
• RAZ OHARA
• ERIC WHITACRE!!!

SPINZOR ERA: 2009-2010?
The OCT kid.
TOTAL MOODSHIFT. There had to have been a trigger somewhere.
LOTS of disco for Hosea, and ELO for Bluesky of course. ALSO SHRIKE & "SLIGHTLY MAGIC"

• Kool and the Gang
• ELO (revisit)
• "freeplaymusic" tracks
• David Bowie???
• GUNS & ROSES??

"SPINNIX" codename. Spinzor "splinter" that ONLY has driving memories-- TO university, IN THE DAYTIME.
LIQUID FUNK!!

• Commix
• London Elektricity
• Nu:Tone

"SPINNOX" codename. NIGHT VERSION of Spinnix. VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Again, they ONLY have memories of driving home at night.

• Fat Jon
•  nujabes?

"SPIKEL" codename. THE EXERCISER. This is a new, unique akoufoni class because starting with Cannon's bloodline, we now spent SO much time working out that we needed people to MANAGE that.
Notably this person IS NOT a "spin" but a "CANNON" in terms of how they feel?? Maybe even a TRANSITIONAL again, POST-MU.

• DANNY BYRD

THE REALLY FREAKIN UNHINGED CANNON "SPLINTER" (2008??)
Codename "JUGULAR."
INKYLINKYBOOO, ZOOPHOBIA, "I FEEL SICK"
Literally the UNHEALTHIEST and MOST HELLTORMENTED CORE we EVER HAD.
We were brutally self-abusing, we were addicted to torture porn and gore shocksites, etc. and the HACKS WOULD NOT STOP.
God alone got us through this time of our life, I swear. We should have died. Yet here we are now.

• ANGELSPIT

THE KID WHO WAS SENT TO THE PSYCH WARD????
They would have been LATE 2010 to EARLY 2011 and I KNOW for a fact they were into the v0lt@ge! Leagueworld, AND PROG ROCK!!!!
However their memories are TOTALLY FRACTURED due to traumatic circumstances. Nevertheless their heart WAS MALE ALREADY.
All we know for sure is that they were NOT CANNON!!!

• IT BITES

(WHEN DID WE FIRST START LISTENING TO TURKISH POP REGULARLY?? "İşaret" came out in 2009!!)


++++++BLOODLINE SHIFTS!!!+++++++


"JAYCE" ERA

"JAYCE" was the VERY FIRST. IMMEDIATELY pre-SLC???~2009?
BROWN CORE. That is INSANELY UNUSUAL and shows HEAVY INSTABILITY. What was BIZARRE though is that PINSTRIPE WAS WHITE. There was an INTERNAL SPLIT.
This is when we were temporarily living with dad, either in his old apartment, or way up on Mile Hill.
VERY FRACTURED TIME PERIOD MENTALLY, for what it's worth.
"The first solid core shift to MALE. Moving out of childhood home, shuffled between addresses, feeling just as lost inside, yet never giving up. Unmoored yet still following the stars.”

• RAZIA'S SHADOW!!!
• Modest Mouse
• Ben Folds Five
• Joe Satriani

"WILLOW" codename was a "splinter" of Jayce perhaps?? SOFT; his vibe was VERY CLOSE TO GLISSANDO, except he ONLY would be out at DAWN???
“Very unique guy. Sincere, hopeful, quiet, but never afraid. Early foggy mornings, always with the hope of moving on, moving out, moving forwards. A nascent living hope of something better, just beyond the trees.”

• NOMAK
• NUJABES
• UYAMA HIROTO
• TSUTCHIE

"INFLUTUSA" ERA. 2011?
WHITE MALE CORE. Arguably fragmented as hell.
ONLY listened to glitch/drone music.
"The glitch boy. Dissociation, derealization, depersonalization. No room, no safe space, no future, no past. Living in hallways on borrowed time. Losing self in broken notes. Brain like static.”

• Nikakoi/ erast
• the dirty spoons

"DEON?" 2012.
SALT LAKE CITY. Homestuck-era kid. RED.
HE WAS A SHOCKING DIFFERENCE and I think he only existed TO SURVIVE SLC & PRESERVE THE JAYS.
"Red boy. SLC time. Very lost, very confused, but still a brash and brazen flame. Strange time period.”

• serph
• Chad Valley
• CLIMBING WALLS, ANNA SUN, COLD DUST GIRL

"LYTRAILE" codename.
"The kid who was always working out and got us into KREVA!"
This was a DISTINCT era post-SLC, in a sort of "shift period" between the original Jayces and the new Jays?? ODDLY AND INTERESTINGLY their music taste is a sort of "positive flip" to CANNON'S, as they were both transitional eras.

• KREVA
• Kalassy Nikoff
• Super Junior

"CUPID." 2013 or so?
VERY different, unusual vibes. Hard to put into words but they are unmistakable.

• BATHS

"JAY IRIDOS." ~2013-2015, maybe? POST-SLC.
LEGIT GOOD KID. Sandman boy. One of our best Cores ever at heart.
FIRST SOLID WHITE MALE CORE. "The man with a heart like a rainbow.”
He had a lot of "signature songs" moreso than artists in general?

• ALSO FROST*???
• MESITA? He bought the signed album!!

BTW LATE 2013 WAS BEAUTIFUL. That was arguably the BEST Christmas of our LIFE and it has its OWN PLAYLIST for that reason (with everything we could find; most of that era was Soundcloud tracks by very obscure folks)
BUT AFTER THE MASSACRE HAPPENED everything started gradually sliding into hell, tragically. ALSO according to the Archives, Lent messed us up BADLY.
May 6th 2014 on LAST.FM records is shockingly beautiful though?? Lots of 2013 classics. We were probably trying to hold on to that around the body's birthday time. Still, FEEL OUT THESE MEMORIES and find out WHO holds them around the shift time.
A rule of thumb: ALL "INFI VIBE" SONGS BELONG TO JAY, OBVIOUSLY.


MID-2014 snapshot from LAST.FM=
HAYWYRE, SYLVAN, SON LUX, ANTONY & THE JOHNSONS, FORSS, M+A, SOHN, JAMES BLAKE
Also general vibe of KEITH KENNIFF, RYAN TEAGUE, SQUARE PEG ROUND HOLE, DAVID TORN, DUSTIN O'HALLORAN



WHOEVER WAS OUT IN THE "HELL SUMMER" (2015). IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE JAY.
THERE'S LAST.FM ARCHIVE INFO FOR THIS

• Cherry Ghost
• AQUILO?
• ALLEN STONE? Dude that was THIS TIME PERIOD???
• The Electric Soft Parade?
• Rhian Sheehan? Dorian Concept? Jack Garratt? JENSEN SPORTAG?
• NOTABLY THIS WAS WHEN WE DISCOVERED PUNCH BROTHERS

UPMC ERA "ISCAH". 2017.
Placeholder as she has to be her own thing because she existed DURING A LOCKOUT ERA.
"Inpatient girl. Exists ONLY in hospital settings."

• Hospital tunes, really

CHARLOTTE = "LOTUS"??? 2017-2018.
"The boy with the eaten heart.”
We're actually not sure HOW MANY PEOPLE existed during this time as pseudocores alongside Lotus; we listened to a TON of music but IT ALL HAS DIFFERENT ANCHORS, which is DEEPLY DISCONCERTING.
We might have to categorize them based on "mindset" at first, because it's a hyperfragmented disaster.
The overall mood/mindset though is DISTURBING. To this day, we cannot listen to ANY of this music without immediate REELING FLASHBACKS &/OR DEATHDREAD MELTDOWNS.

• SOHN
• SON LUX
• SEINABO SEY
• NIGHT BEDS
• EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
• EMPIRE OF THE SUN, believe it or not.
• DALEY (Color Spectrum album, ironically)

POST-DEATH: "TILLY"??? The girl with twintails. "Post-reset fugue girl."
2019-2022??? HELL OF A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE SO DISHEVELED.
NO IDEA WHAT HER COLOR WAS, IF SHE EVEN HAD ONE.
ONLY LONG-HAIRED FEMALE "CORE" SINCE AENIMA.
Her time period is VERY fractured too, because her "sense of self" was almost nonexistent and we have NO MEMORY OF MOST OF IT. There were probably several pseudocore shifts.
GRANDMA'S CANCER DIAGNOSIS CHANGED EVERYTHING; that triggered a MASSIVE SHIFT in our very MODE OF EXISTENCE AND GENERAL CONSCIOUSNESS, proven by the fact that it's the ONLY TIME WE REMEMBER LISTENING TO ANY MUSIC.
We have no bloody idea what happened immediately after CNC. That person was violently animicidal and they probably didn't listen to anything but church music anyway, which is tragically hypocritical.

• Larnelle Harris
• Burt Bacharach???

"CHALYX" = 2021 HOSPITAL STAY.
She was NOTABLY and DISTINCTLY HER OWN PERSON. She was BLURRING WITH TILLY though!!

• SARAH JANE MORRIS
• She started listening to POLISH POP MUSIC actually.

POST-GRIEF, PRE-HOSPITAL. 2022.
Very unique and jarring era. We were displaced from EVERYTHING and lived COMPLETELY ISOLATED & ALONE for FIVE SOLID MONTHS. There is a REAL and SIGNIFICANT music profile for this time period though, because of all the addiction-drives this unknown pseudocore did.
THERE WERE "PHASES" of music but it ALL FEELS LIKE THE SAME PERSON... FOR THE MOST PART.

• ...

THE REALLY SPECIFIC "SAINT ANNE SUMMER WARS" KID. 2022.
Codename "JANAZMA" for sentimentality's sake.
A suddenly extant INDOMITABLE HOPE-CORE born to TRY AND STOP THE SELF-DESTRUCTION. Woke up via a DREAM and just... changed everything in an instant. Total 180 at the drop of a hat. It was incredible.
Existed from JULY TO SEPTEMBER.
They HAD A HEART. THE LOTOPHAGOI DIDN'T.

• STUDIO CHIZU MOVIES. My gosh I swear thank you so much for that. They became a LANDMARK in our life and we will never forget the feeling of SHEER INCANDESCENT HOPE that defined this small but indispensably precious time period.
• ...

2022 WAKEUP CALL, UPMC AGAIN.
SEPTEMBER TO NOVEMBER.
Interesting because, like with Iscah's debut, we have virtually NO MEMORY OF THIS. However there was nonstop muzak for distraction purposes, so we should be able to "ping" someone if we find out WHAT was played.
Remember THE SYSTEM "WOKE UP" NEAR THE END, so that will change the vibes a bit, but that will also be glaringly obvious.

• ...

AND NOW, WHOEVER THE HECK WE ARE. 2023.

• ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


LATER UPDATES...

We're beginning 2025 as I write this and we're already not sure of:

• Who the heck was at TBHU
• Post-Infi shift

Depressed and sick of myself today. Too much internet browsing. It fuels self-loathing so much, especially in terms of "you're a f*cking weirdo and you're ugly and you should be ashamed of yourself for the things you say and do and think and feel; you are a disgusting freak and everyone thinks you are repulsive." Like THAT is the literal brain-tirade I get by visiting online social spaces.

I didn't eat well today. I accidentally fasted for almost 7 hours because mom wanted me to help her at the house again and hit a food drive but she was late and didn't bring what she needed me to help her with anyway, and although I DID pack a lunch the INSTANT I walked into that old house ALL the terror hit. It was STAGGERING. I honestly FORGOT how deeply disturbing that environment ended up becoming to me. I still am not sure why. Maybe just trauma residue. I need review the archives in that regard; I should be starting therapy soon so I NEED to make sure I know WHY I'm in therapy.
But... yeah. Didn't eat until just a half hour ago, really. At least I ate something. Restriction is addictive, because it makes me feel FREE and PURE again, ESPECIALLY SINCE THE WAR HAS RESTARTED.

Yeah. It has. Apparently getting the body back up to 18.5 BMI (just barely "normal weight") WOKE UP ALL THE DEMONS.
...I forgot how hellish it was to live in this body when I WASN'T sedating and beating it up all the time.

...I've been furiously crying over it all day, mainly to Chaos 0, because I can talk to him about stuff that I can't even talk to LAURIE about, and wouldn't talk to Infi about either because ze's tied to a different bloodline and was born for very problematic reasons-- God knows ze needs therapy as much as I do. But that's the whole bloody point. My soul is RED. My heart is RED. I CANNOT deny that and I CANNOT CHANGE THAT and God knows that some days I have really tried. I've tried to be purple, green, pink, even orange once... nothing sticks. Nothing vibes. Nothing works. I ALWAYS end up being red again. The only time I was different was in early childhood when I leaned MAGENTA and PURPLE and those is close enough to Red anyway for it to shift hard once I hit like second grade... which, arguably, is when I first really realized I was VERY DIFFERENT from other kids. I mean, heck, it was obvious in lesser ways even earlier, looking back. Yes, like many tykes I LOVED dinosaurs and unicorns and dragons and dolphins, BUT I didn't like animals; I gravitated towards bats and scorpions and king cobras. And that was because they were scary. Somehow, I can recognize that even now, EVEN in WHY I liked unicorns and dragons. Everything was somehow tied to sacred suffering. I think back to when I was a kid, how I loved unicorns but ESPECIALLY the one with MY NAME, whose image is emblazoned on my heart since childhood because it WAS EXACTLY HOW I FELT-- that end-of-the-world feeling, that brave white creature with blood on his horn. Yes, "there xe goes again, talking about that. What a freak." Well you know what YEAH, I AM A FREAK THEN, because even at AGE 5 I was drawing creatures covered in bloody wounds from holy wars in dreams, and I couldn't stop thinking about either aliens or armageddon, I saw the whole world through the lens of the Fermi paradox and the apocalypse. I believed in angels and demons and mystical creatures and DREAMS and PAIN. I'm heartspilling here. I freakin' loved Animorphs and Young Wizards because they SPOKE MY LANGUAGE; they were kids in RIGHTEOUS BATTLES and people FELT & FACED HEAVY THINGS, on a greater scale than the normal YA literature that sometimes still mentioned death and stuff but not in the exaggerated way I craved. I was always so bored with assigned reading because yeah, they'd allude to someone passing away, or being in a war, or being heartbroken, or being in love, but NO ONE WOULD GO IN-DEPTH. No one talked about dreams, or other worlds. Everything was too human, too banal and too claustrophobic for me. I would constantly imagine wilder things.
I'm struggling to phrase this. When I hit second grade I realized that no one else really cared about these things like me. I wrote like a 7-page report on gulper eels one day and was reading it enthusiastically in front of the class when I noticed kids actually yawning at me. The teacher told me to cut it short. I was gutted, in the same way as those poor eels, because not only did I think they were kinda beautiful, they had a RED LIGHT on the tip of their tails AND I had learned that their cells would rupture if you brought them out of the deep water and they'd basically melt or explode, and I kept on thinking what would that do to their heart but NO ONE ELSE SEEMED TO CARE. I sat down with my report that day genuinely crushed, wondering why they didn't care. This was around the same time I realized that I didn't experience crushes/ attraction and was SUPER ANNOYED with the girls and boys talking about "cooties" and boy bands and magazine models. It genuinely made me ANGRY. That was when I took that "vow of celibacy," telling God "I will NEVER get married and I will NEVER date someone older than me like that," sick of seeing my fellow youths swoon over teenagers and even adults (boy bands I am LOOKING AT YOU). The problem happened in THIRD grade, when we were doing a school play in the classroom and I was the dinosaur and every other AFAB person was either an Egyptian princess or something else human & feminine. But... between "acts" we would chill in the closet in the back, and one of the girls-- Stefanie-- for some reason needed to change her outfit?? and she asked ME to borrow something?? like a slip, or a blouse, or something, because I had an extra. The details are blurry, all I remember is that I was bizarrely the ONLY person who could spare what she needed. Either that or it was the opposite-- she needed to change and asked me to hold her clothes because I was the only "girl" NOT going out with the other princess group. But... she took off her school blouse, momentarily only wearing a training bra, and I remember just looking at her bare shoulders from the back and thinking good Lord she is so pretty and feeling like the floor had dropped out. I was reeling for a minute. It didn't even HIT me that I liked girls. That wasn't "possible" so it didn't even register. And yet there I was, swooning over Alexandria every five minutes, wanting to be her best friend so I could hug her and sit next to her and stuff, even going so far as to stay after class at the end of the day to secretly pilfer tiny Keroppi erasers and Chococat stationery from her desk, because as a new "Pokemon trainer" that kawaii-creature stuff was my aesthetic too so that meant we liked the same stuff and I wanted to be part of that but didn't know how to ask.
I'm really rambling. You all know the story about 8th grade, when one of the girls in class walked up to me with a teen magazine with male swimwear models and asked me "if I thought this guy was cute" because the other girls were at a stalemate and they wanted my opinion. I remember looking at the guy and thinking, "I want to look like that," and not knowing what to say, so I think I muttered "I dunno, I guess?" while all the while thinking that girl was WAY cuter than any guy, and REELING from the sudden earthshaking revelation that WOW OKAY I'M KINDA A DUDE THEN? Hilariously and tragically it was around this time period that I DISSOCIATED HARD for high school and BURIED that under the "spinnincannon" manic persona, although I still couldn't deny the fact that I was still attracted to ladies, you ALL remember Skittygirl and Sailor Moon and Tokyo Mew Mew, and how I was MORTIFIED if anyone found out I was watching the transformation scenes in slow motion and drawing anthro chicks without any clothes. Chastely, of course, I wasn't interested in sexuality but I felt things that I NEVER could feel for anyone "male," EVEN Bakura and Marik, who I realized I ONLY liked because they looked so feminine. Then we got a Gamecube and I would carry the SA2B instruction booklet to school to look at it secretly between classes, and as I was sitting in math class one day and thinking about Chaos 0 my heart just kind of ached and the universe flipped over and I realized, "oh my gosh I'm in love," and I KNEW because I had NEVER felt that for ANYONE before but it was UNDENIABLE. Everyone use to joke that "you'll just know!" and I wondered how, because yeah I loved Bakura but I wasn't in love, I didn't feel anything like they showed in the movies or anything, and then suddenly I found myself with a fire blooming beneath my ribs because of this alien Sonic character and what do you know, they were right. Everything changed.
BUT it was already the Julie days and when my body started to change too I FREAKED THE HECK OUT and couldn't draw myself anymore and heartspace went mostly dormant and the MANIC Jewel took over, but thank GOD for Sonic Chats (I STILL MISS THOSE) and their absolutely screwball off-the-walls humor, because even with the impossible crossovers and looneytune antics I STILL spent most of my time with Chaos 0, teaching him how to talk, petting him like a Chao when he'd get anxious from all the commotion, playing my favorite music for him to hear, showing him all the cool stuff in the world that I treasured. Dude I even remember that freakin' treehouse that "my three" and I would chill out in back in elementary school still, and Marik (bless him) was trying to learn guitar because that's what cool kids do, and Bakura would be playing some game in the corner and Chaos was just... so different. The outcast, the weird guy, just like me. But we cared so much for him. We ALL were fighting our own demons too, so we understood the whole Perfection fear, in our own ways, what with the Yamis and the Millennium Items, don't forget I had that emerald Tiara (AND 'JEZEBEL' WAS MY YAMI although she had a different name) and the Love Hurts comic was being written at the same time, along with ALL the *incidents* everyone had... long story short we were all in the blood and beauty together. We ALL were like that. We were drawn to the strange and creepy things-- we WERE strange and creepy things really, all of us, when you got down to it. What am I even trying to say.
I just... miss all of that. I miss the camaraderie we had, simple and small, always fighting something but always together after the smoke cleared. Honestly my absolute favorite memories of old Heartspace were WHEN we would get into awful brawls with some "demon" in my psyche OR theirs and we'd end up all covered in blood and sweat and tears by the end, collapsing into each others arms and laughing and sobbing and alive, and we LOVED each other, all of us, and it was beautiful.
We've... lost that, somewhat, in the System, lately. Life has become so externalized. I've become so self-loathing, and ashamed of that part of my heart, that RED light in me, that dreamjumper fire and imaginative courage. I was ALWAYS forming Links with other "worlds;" I was always jumping into stories like a madman just to talk to the folks who were "a little off in the head" just like me, to meet them in dreams and, maybe, bring them into mine. Only some of them did-- they became Outspacers. Others would just be people I visited. But... I typically only ever visited guys. It was so strange. I was trying so hard to be "straight," and I was SO disillusioned by "normal" guys AND girls, that I ended up vibing with either father figures OR not-quite-human weirdos like myself. My CONSTANT joke was that I "only fell in love with human girls and alien guys," because you never saw monster girls in the media back then, but the monsters you did see were always male-coded. So I could "reassure" myself that I was "doing what was expected of me" in that sense, even unconsciously. Still... I never fell in love, not like I did that first time. At the end of the day I'd always end up back with the blue guy. Then there was that one Sonic Chat around the time we discovered NiGHTS when CZ and I were chilling by the fireplace at the end of October and Shadow brought pink champagne and Knux was flirting with Rouge and I looked right at Chaos and I dared him, "should we show them how it's done?" and that was it. That was the first time I didn't hide it from anyone. In that ridiculously silly chatroom, with everyone else tipsy and laughing, I had enough cover to pull that off without being paid attention to, but... still. I was fiercely joyous. I almost wanted to show him off. I wanted to shout, "look, I'm in love, and it's amazing!" just for the bliss of it. But I didn't. I pretended to be drunk just so I'd have a plausible excuse for why I was kissing the water creature by the fireplace for an hour. I remember how nervous I was though; how my heart was racing from the gravity of what I was doing, as strange as the circumstances were. Still. It was the most honest I had been in a long time.

The war has started again.
...I miss it. You know what, yeah, I miss the fighting although I DO NOT miss the battlefield. I hate feeling like this body, and this world, are in siege against my heart at every moment of the day. But... we have alone time, now, just like we did when I was a kid. We CAN go upstairs again, and talk, and fight, and love and weep and LIVE, like we used to. THAT'S why I'm bent on uploading the old archives. I want to REMEMBER what that was like so we can HAVE IT AGAIN. I want to have bloody *incidents* again, God knows, I don't care if they're "late" I WANT to have that with people. I WANT to experience those larger-than-life, dreamlike nightmarish events saturated with blood and love, that pulled the truth out of our souls and manifested it for all to see. I WANT to be so brave and honest and open and AFLAME again, like I KNOW I am, deep down.
I AM Red. I WANT to be Red, God knows I do. I LOVE this color, I LOVE its fire and cinnamon and blood and rubies and roses and candy canes and holly berries and hearts. It's a color of action and danger and passion and love and LIFE, of pain and joy and warmth and courage, of ME. 
And if keeping this color means fighting a war to keep it that pure and beautiful, then SO BE IT.

...I feel better now, haha. I'm so tired of feeling like I "should be ashamed" of myself for my "psychotic imagination" and the fact that yeah, I'm in love with a Sonic character, I have been for 19 years and I plan to be forever. What of it? Is that offensive to you? Why? I don't want to care about that anymore. I am so tired of crushing my own soul just to make it "socially acceptable." Well "socially acceptable" things are often VERY NOT RED, they're all beige and whitewashed and have no edges, but I LIKE edges dude, I LIKE weird-ass creepy scary things, I LIKE my knives and gulper eels and angels with fiery swords. I LIKE having hundreds of other people in this psyche that I love and that love me, even though there are a few that arguably don't, and a few do actively try to kill me, but hey. Such is System life.
...I want it all. I don't care how hard I have to fight, I honestly MISS the battles, I keep saying that but it is SO TRUE, I can't help but repeat it.
Maybe that's why God let this happen. Geez maybe it is.

I'll type more about this later. I just noticed what time it is.

reading "Max Lucado" book; thoughts from the spectrum ...

(unfinished)

Let's talk about daemons.

 

Daemons, in the 2013-2018 Spectrum timespace, were "incarnated vices" meant to force their heart-host into admitting and facing that vicious reality as being THEIRS, instead of denying and running from it; after all, we cannot repent if we don't know what we're repenting from, let alone if we're denying the fact that we have sinned in the first place. Daemons bring all that front and center. Most importantly, though, is the fact that they are madly in love with their hosts. They adore the souls they are enslaved to, that they exist for and from forever. A daemon is your deepest fears and biggest faults given bones and breath and beating heart, and they love you, but they will devour you if you are not careful. They are inherently dangerous, and they are absolutely indispensable. A daemon can teach you the most radical forgiveness, but they can also falter and fall into a sort of punchdrunk moral relativism, so unable to hate that they forget that their very core is hateful. Their guts are painted black. No matter how soft a wound is, it's still a wound; it's still blood and it's still damage.

 

Rio's Daemon is Lethe Styx. He personifies fear of nothingness/ the unknowable, and the vice of sloth as a result? He is named after two rivers, both of oblivion-- one of thought, one of body.

Rio is prone to intense self-distraction, for the sole purpose of not having to face the silence, trying to block out the river-rush of blood in one's ears.

…
 

Markus's Daemon is Medallion Guillotine. She personifies fear of weakness, and the vice of avarice, arguably. She is named after two symbols of power-- the first to hoard, the second to behead, and both with the ability to destroy life outright.

…

 

Chaos's Daemon is Perfect Chaos. He mentally detached himself from that potential in his soul for so long, and with such disturbed fervor, that Perfect was almost forced to "daemonize."

He personifies unending agony. At heart, it is the fear of (loss? despair?) and the vice of wrath. When grief bores too deeply into your soul, it hits the fires of hell and burns everything to death.

Perfect Chaos himself is an ironic "just deserts" to those who sought "perfection" in worldly ways-- through control, power, and pride. To such people, "perfection" meant becoming like a god, but not like God.

…

 

Jewel Lightraye's Daemon is Dendrite Aorta… or so we've been told. Jewel herself, being the heart of an entire identity bloodline, is paradoxically as unstable as she is invincible.

She is the fear of forgetting oneself??? and the vice of pride.

Jewel's mind and heart are both deemed intrinsic to the very existence of the Spectrum, as is the integrous preservation of both, and as such she has a fatal proclivity to consider herself perpetually innocent. Dendrite exists to tell her, awfully but honestly, that she's not. And that is terrifying.

…

 

Jay Iridos's Daemon is Infinitii Eternos. Ze personifies fear of intimacy and the vice of lust, shockingly so. Ze is named after both heaven and hell themselves, in a sense; the "infinite" potential of "I and I," of two become one, and the "eternity" of "nos," of "us." But whether that unity is of ardor or abuse, remains to be seen, and that is the terror.

 

 

 

What about me, then? Who am I, now, really?

I'm not Mr. Iridos or Ms. Lightraye, even though their hearts are still so close to mine I can feel them in my very ribs. They switch out and front on their own now, separate from the Core function, having held that hierarchal honor in the past and now relinquishing it to… who? Who am I?

I am of their bloodline, inevitably. But what "surname" is mine? Do I carry something new?

The Lightraye purpose of birthing the League, the Iridos purpose of sustaining the Spectrum… I must admit, although those functions still exist and are executed, they are not in the first place mine. When Leaguework is done, I am almost a ghostwriter; I know Jewel moves these hands in her own way. When Spectrum work is resumed-- literally as of Thursday night-- Jay is still front and center, the core that carried what time we forgot, and must integrate to continue onwards.

 

We've moved into an apartment. We've entered an entirely new reality-space. Body care and life awareness are suddenly prioritized. Religion is more fervent and beloved than ever before. Existence has changed on the outside, but what is it inside, now?

The Spectrum has been dormant for years. Now that it is awakening, who am I, within it?

 

I still love Chaos Zero, with my entire heart, God knows I love him enough to die. That is proof that I am a Core, that I am a genuine coeur and love is my absolute foundation.

 

But what is my name? Am I red, or white, or cerise, or even brown? And do I have a Daemon?

I can feel Infinitii is not mine; since Jay woke up, all the hidden love for hir has bloomed again in him. But he isn't tied to Chaos anymore. I am. And… that cannot be ignored. I'm the Prism, now; I'm the heart of glass through which the Light breaks into colors. But it all feels like echoes. There have been so many cores, and they were and are so alive, so real… I feel so empty, and hollow, and wrecked on some level compared to them. Maybe it's bleedover; I am sure there is still so much healing to do, on levels we haven't looked at, solely because innerspace has been closed off while it rebooted.

 

We'll work on it. I promise. As of right now it is 12:30 AM, I need to be awake at 7, and grandma is still in the hospital, God be with her still.

I must sleep, and pull myself together, however feebly, until morning. Pray that God reveals to me who He wants me to be, in truth, in respect to the entire life He has given me. Pray that He shows me soon, and that I can see it clearly when He does.
 

(WORK IN PROGRESS; FOR NEW THERAPIST)


2008 NOTABLE DATES (RELEVANT TO THERAPY)


010908
- "month long hiatus" on dA
- parents currently in divorce court; dad not allowed in house since before thanksgiving '07
- back in therapy; no longer hiding that "I have problems"
- zim era; talking to KOH upstairs
- monday talks with qlok
- still a lot of "friends" online at this point-- shub, zhao, ppb, mel, ben, jimmy, ideya, naysu, sarai, LAD, setc.
- TALKING TO NATALIE
- "whistling through the graveyard"
- STILL writing music and doing giftart

012208
- dancing through the waves of life

012408
- XANGA BEGINS

012708
- mention of vash & barry

020208
- mention of JULIE, DOPPELGANGER, & JESSICA as my main "shadows"

020608
- CHRIS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION
- chaos asked me if I was suicidal while I was at violin lessons

020808
- accepted to college

020908
- first xanga entry. PEOPLE TALKING!!!
- "ate myself into oblivion" due to stress that "I pretended was gone" hitting me all at once
- I've been alienating myself from those I love... because I'm so darn afraid of what I'm becoming that I don't want to inflict myself upon them anymore.
- LAURIE SPOKE FIRST. god bless.
- jessica (BLUE), lynne (ORANGE), and me afterwards.
- LAURIE AND I ARE ALREADY ON GOOD SPEAKING TERMS HERE. " That's my girl. Now don't give me any reasons to come after you with an axe, y'hear?"

021308
- arguably first "shifting" proof entry. " I don't want to sleep or stay awake anymore."
- THIS IS THE NIGHT-SNOW ENTRY; THIS IS A MILESTONE IN PERSONAL SIGNIFICANCE!!!
- "OVER MY SHOULDER" OST; FIRST RECORDED "JOHNNY-NIGHTER"

021708
- "impulse: cacophany of colors" = first "brainspill" poetry

022508
- the "jessica" entry that qlok flipped out over = " Laurie's not very happy with me. I'm not very happy with Jessica."
- the PHYSICS ROOM DEATH TERROR DAY
- ADMITTED THAT I LOVE GENESIS as a result of this

022508
- "on the subject of love"
- LAURIE IS PISSED and she STABS WHERE IT HURTS. accusations of sexual immorality in my relationships due to "letting [julie] control [my] body"; ironically she saw the hellish future coming a mile away and I missed it
- trying to "explain my relationships" and still not being honest with myself; I feel that in the very text

022608
- GENESIS AND CHAOS XANGA
- " Oh and I want to change my text color to orange."
- mention of a DELETED ENTRY WITH LYNNE ;______;
Yeah, I should. Um... to all you readers, the headroom topic in my past entry is obsolete now. I also deleted it, haha.
Yeah, we didn't want people getting the wrong idea, so we've all sworn off and erased such unhinged behavior as a result.
Even me.
Yes, even Selphy-boy. Apparently Jewel wasn't hallucinating.

030208
- FIRST RECORDED "NUMB STATE"

030408
- "riddle me this, anima… what is love?" skype

030508
- makeout sessions with genesis on the bus

030608
- grandma accused me of being a hateful person and I BROKE
- JULIE JUMPED ON THIS.

031008
- "last night I exploded"
- I'm like a living sacrificial doll. Not much to look at, no, and rarely does anyone give me a second glance, but I'm willing to die for the salvation of those I watch over, whether or not they know it.
If I could honestly save someone's life like that... if I could honestly give someone an undying light of hope, if I could turn someone's future around for the better,
if I could enlighten a soul so it could live peacefully... I'd give my life. Hands down, no questions asked. I'll die for anyone who needs me.


031208
- "trying to turn your life around" HUGE entry to qlok

032708
- huge thankyou entry on dA

040108
- IMPULSE: THAT ETERNAL MOMENT
- qlok and I said "I love you" on monday night

040508
- "ALWAYS SO MUCH MORE TO SAY"

040708
"IMPULSE: HEART OF GLASS"

041208
"STREETLIGHTS"!!!

041308
- "two month ultimatum" and "I don't deserve all the loving friends I have"

042208
- "my head is a madhouse"
- NOTABLE because it MENTIONS HEADSPACE EXISTING AS HABITABLE SPACE.
- " Julie is being ruthlessly merciless. Every day she tries to get at me… Laurie and I can only do so much… when stuff happens it's headvoice versus headvoice and me stuck in the crossfire. It's not fun. At all… But Laurie's not always nice to me, you know. Sunday afternoon, she took out the axe… when I throw myself down and beat myself up, Laurie gets disgusted. And she gets violent. And I let her. And then Lynne steps in."


042408
- THE MORNING AFTER I TRIED TO "REABSORB" NOUSFONI
- this is SUCH AN IMPORTANT ENTRY
- "Natalie spoke for the first time last night. What a sweet voice she has... it's a shame her voice came so late, as she's no longer a personification anymore. She's back to being me. Yes, I managed to take Natalie, Jessica, and Lynne back into my personality this morning. My laughing reflection, my crying shadow, my supportive hope. All three, back to being what they were originally-- me. I did manage to evaporate the negative sides of Jess, though, so I didn't take back the self-worthlessness and depression.
Natalie was happy to be back. I think I purposefully personified her, actually... just to give my reflection, my happy thoughts, a name of their own... even though they were me all the time. So it's nice to have her essence back, so to speak. I'm going to miss Lynne, though, although she's been urging me to take her back for quite some time. I did tell her that-- that I would miss having her around-- but she just reminded me that she wouldn't be gone, really... she'd just lose her personification and turn back into self-worth and hopeful ambition. I missed her in that respect too. It's terribly funny how I happened to personify all those missing emotions. Huh. At least they're back, I guess.
But it feels... kind of wrong. I don't know."
- " Well, all that's left now are my two "doughboys", to use my Johnny jargon. The nearly-autonomous headvoices.
The playgirl and the axe-wielder.
Eh... I don't think I want to "absorb" them, you know? Besides... I love talkng to Laurie, and a few years ago I actually got Julie to mellow out for a while and be nice. (That was when she was my only headvoice.) I spoke to her and Laurie last night and again this morning on that point, actually... that since I've know Julie for over a decade and I'm uncannily attached to Laurie (especially because of how I met her), I'd rather they just stay themselves, now that they have minds of their own, and just help me deal with things that way... just drop their vicious negativity and be nice for once.
Laurie was all for it, actually, and said she'd gladly do that if Julie would behave as well. I was surprised when Julie said she'd try. See, told you she wasn't all bad. Everyone has some good in 'em, even headvoices. Unfortunately, they'e both formed from rejected bits of my personality (vice and self-hatred), so that might be an obstacle... but they still came from me, so they can't be all bad! I know they're not."
- "...There are only two fragments, and they fragmented by my own free will...Everyone else I just let inside. And I was formed from them, in a sense. If they're simply pieces of me, then I'm simply a piece of them. That doesn't hold up. Sure, I could easily turn them into feeling and make them part of me, but I'd just end up with what isn't mine. Sure, I could easily forget them all and just go about life, but then I would have no purpose, no future, no past."

-
050208
- INSANEJOURNAL BEGINS. this was an active effort to hide from qlok.
- FIRST SYSTEM TALLY. seven people. (laurie, julie, chaos, genesis … lynne, natalie, jessica (re-absorbed))
- JESSICA ALREADY LISTED AS "RE-FORMING"

050508
- love letter to genesis
- AND "good day bad day would you look at the time? "
- FIRST massively unhinged entry on record
- " Regardless I'm just not comfortable around young adults... heck, I'm not comfortable around anything with a reproductive system"
- BUT THEN… "I have 5 loves and two of them aren't human! Yes yes yes, Chaos Zero and Selph. Dear heavens I love them so much. Honestly. To the point where I would die for them. It's a beautiful feeling to have. Oh yeah and even better is the fact that both of them are completely sexless, which is awesome times twentysix. So I can do stuff with them that I can't do with anybody else! Yeah!" KID THIS IS WHAT LAURIE WARNED YOU ABOUT
- "But yeah back to Jacob. I'm very worried about his opinion of me. I know he worries about me, but I'm such a freaking headcase and emotional wreck and anomalous human type person that I am seriously thinking that, whatever I am and whatever I'm not, at least in his opinion, I'm not good for him or anyone. Honest. I think I'm a very bad thing for him to have in his life... even though I try my freaking hardest to be a good person… He's too good a person to deserve as bad a person as me. Everyone is.
I just... well, I deserve to be alone, like I've always been, and I want to be. I like it this way, to be honest. Saves people, too."
- QLOK AND I "BROKE UP" AFTER THIS
- SCRIBBLD BEGINS THIS DAY TOO

050608
- " Polyamory is okay if you're asexual, right? Celibacy still counts even if you took the vow in second grade, right? There's nothing wrong with being in love with someone inhuman, is there? … Every darn thing you can do in a relationship that involves physical contact can easily be accused of being sexual in nature and that makes me want to explode with exasperation and offense… The crazy relationships I have with those two are terribly fun, really, but everyone gets the idea that it's somehow sexual. Good Lord it ISN'T. I hate sex, I've been traumatized by it before, and Julie is enough stress for me on that subject. On that note, miss blond pigtails, neither of my two guys are even capable, so there."

051108
- "I am having such a devastating guilt trip right now it's insane. And this one is horribly justified. I did some terrible things when I was young... terrible. And you wonder why I loathe my past so much. No details for you. No details for anyone. These are the sort of atrocities I haven't even spoken to Selph or Chaos about... and I tell them everything. Literally everything. Except my mistakes. Except my deepest and darkest regrets. That's going to a priest and no one else."
- I'm so glad I'm finally eighteen.
I'm now an adult. My entire childhood, my entire past is behind me now. Every last moment of it. And I plan to leave it all behind. As soon as I get all this hideous regret out of my soul, I'm going to change my name and erase every last reminder of my mistakes and regretful past that I possibly can. And then I'm going to start over. I'm going to leave EVERYTHING behind and start over. I'm finally going to be the person I want to be. The person I am inside. Not this idiot I've been stuck as for nearly two decades. I'm sick of this name. Sick of this town knowing who I was. Sick of the photo albums upstairs, the immature ramblings in my old journals, the memories burning holes in my mind. Sick of the guilt. Well, God willing, I'll finally be free from it all soon.

- WTF WAS I PLANNING????????????

051208
- IJ RANT ABOUT HEADVOICES. MILESTONE ENTRY.
-



------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2009

010309
- BENJAMIN BUTTON ENTRY. glissando's legacy.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2010


012010
- "I'm a population minority in a sense... asexual neutrois celibate, of course. It wouldn't be a problem if it didn't cause me problems with everything. If I mention it at home I'm ostracized or thrown at another therapist. If I mention it to said therapists I'm told that 'I'll grow out of it,' ignoring the fact that I've been 'growing out of it' since the 2nd grade. I wouldn't dare mention it in public, as most people don't take kindly to severe genderfreaks and I'd likely make my college life into more of a mess than it is now.
Freakin' doctors won't even sign me up for surgery because 'you're too young and we don't want you scarring at this age.' For God's sake, man, I refuse to die without any scars. If the only way to be 'free' from this chronic curse is to slice myself open in thirty-six different ways, then get out the freaking scalpel and get started. I've got all the time in the world."
- MENTION OF JENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


020410
- MANIC talk with CZ on FB
- USING THE RED "JAYCE" ICON!!

022210
- "THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED"


-----------------


050910
- MOM GOT A BOYFRIEND
- JACOB GOT A GIRLFRIEND
- COLLEGE EXPELLED ME
- DYSPHORIA KILLING ME; "TOO NUMB TO WRITE OR DRAW"


051310
- I lost all interest in most things, and my memory played along, often deleting entire days from my recollection. I'd wake up in the morning and start to cry, because I couldn't remember anything that had happened over the past freaking week. Then I'd drag myself out of bed, stretch the pain out of my spine and try to choke down breakfast without throwing up. I'd head off to the washroom, close the door and look at my reflection in the full length mirror, silently loathing the body I was stuck in, mentally fighting off both Julie and Laurie's vicious appeals. Sometimes I'd win, sometimes I'd lose... but either way, I'd soon be rushing back out the door, resignedly wondering how quickly the next 7 hours would go by.

- I finally spoke to Jena. God only knows how much I love her; I hope she's more successful than she's ever dreamed. She deserves it.


052410
"and got nose-to-nose with my neighbor's chihuahua without him trying to bite me!"
WHERE WERE WE LIVING??????????

052710
My dream last night was the closest thing to hell I've ever experienced.
(WAS THAT THE LESBIAN RAPE + REDLIGHT BOMB DREAM???)

052910
- "BLOOD AND SUNLIGHT"
- THIS WAS THE "FRAGMENT" ERA. we were hyperdissociated at all times just to survive.

…


-The ABSOLUTE central character of this entire "fanfic" is CHAOS ZERO.

-THE TIMELINE OF THIS SERIES IS PRE-RUSH.
IT OCCURS IMMEDIATELY AFTER SONIC BATTLE.
SONIC ADVENTURE IS THE MAIN ROOT.
SONIC CD IS ALSO A KEY PLOT INFLUENCER.


-CORE CONCEPTS OF THIS FANFIC THAT NEED TO STAY:
    1. I am a canon character. This is mandatory because this whole thing is effectively a love letter to Chaos Zero.
    2. There is a SECOND SET OF GEMS alongside the Chaos Emeralds.
    3. I GIVE one of these gems-- the red one-- TO CHAOS, and it FUSES with him, causing notable consequences.
    4. THE DOPPELGANGERS EXIST.
    5. Big has a significant role, he deserves it.
    6. SO DOES EMERL, even posthumously.
    7. THE ENTIRE "OPEN YOUR HEART" CONCEPT.
    8. TIKAL AND METAL SONIC???


BIG QUESTION: WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PARALLEL BETWEEN KNUCKLES AND CHAOS ZERO, IN TERMS OF GUARDING THE MASTER EMERALD??
IF THE EMERALD CHOSE CHAOS TO DO THAT FIRST, HOW DID THE ECHIDNAS BECOME INVOLVED AT ALL?
AND WHAT ABOUT THE NOCTURNUS FOLKS???

---------------------------------------------------

NOTES ON PLOT:

- Chaos Zero's motivations in all this, post-Adventure and post-Battle:
1. "I'M NOT A GOD" and everything with that: I never WANTED to be a god, it is not my choice now, can I LET GO OF THAT ROLE??
2. Related= Seeking a sense of self SEPARATE from the Master Emerald, ESPECIALLY because of inevitable PTSD
3. Wanting to somehow "make up for what he did" in Station Square; he has a strong sense of justice BUT justice also includes reparation, and he wants to actively CREATE INSTEAD OF DESTROY. Even CANONICALLY we get hints of this: "Knuckles says that Chaos appears when there is an upcoming disaster" in SB. He's like a flipping Absol; he doesn't CAUSE disaster, he wants to WARN people and maybe even SAVE people-- and above all, he wants to PREVENT ANYTHING LIKE THE PERFECT INCIDENTS FROM EVER HAPPENING AGAIN.
4. A sort of heartache upon seeing the close personal bonds Chao have with others outside of their species, which he never had, not even with Tikal (who he was close to but NOT so personally; she mainly took care of the Chao, and Chaos himself wasn't really 'capable' of more complex interaction then, being so limited in his overall social experience), ESPECIALLY upon seeing the friendships of Sonic and his gang; he WANTS TO BE PART OF THAT.
5.

- There is an EIGHT GEM SET of "sapphires" that work as COUNTERPARTS to the Chaos Emeralds. TENTATIVELY: instead of the Chaos Emeralds actively granting wishes of power, they passively grant "wishes" of the HEART/SPIRIT/MIND/ what have you. They operate WITHIN A "DREAM REALM".
-The Sapphires have odd powers; they don't "negate" Chaos energy but they CRYSTALLIZE IT, almost-- they make it ORDERLY.

- A reminder: CHAOS ZERO'S BODY STARTS TO CRYSTALLIZE SOMEWHAT ONCE HE ABSORBS THE RUBY.
- Having the Ruby PREVENTS HIM FROM USING THE CHAOS EMERALDS.
- ALSO! HE'S STILL A CHAO. The Ruby INTERFERES WITH HIS "CHAOS CHAO" STATUS AND ALLOWS HIM TO BE REACTIVE AGAIN-- it restores to him a lot of the freedoms of a child Chao state. NOT SURE HOW YET. But THIS is why he becomes able to speak, move better, have notable eyes and a mouth, etc.
- REMEMBER, ABSORBING ALL 7 EMERALDS DID THE SAME THING. As Perfect, he HAS ALL THOSE ATTRIBUTES, suggesting that he is only "Perfect" BECAUSE the Master Emerald mutation REQUIRES HIM TO BE FULLY "LINKED" TO THE EMERALDS TO BE "COMPLETE"… IN ITS PERCEPTION. The Ruby BREAKS this and allows Chaos Zero to be "perfect"-- whole, complete, etc.-- WITHOUT the Emeralds. It SWITCHES the focus from PHYSICAL to SPIRITUAL??

- That "brain" in his head IS HIS CHAO BALL; it was "internalized" when he mutated. IT EXTERNALIZES WITH HIS RUBY TRANSFORMATION TO ANGEL CHAOS (becomes a legit halo), and after that it DOES NOT APPEAR AS A BRAIN??? "Brainstorm" this actually; Chao balls are physical manifestations of EMOTIONAL STATES BUT strangely, Chaos Chao balls become ENERGETIC?? Do research and get back to this.
IT DOES GLOW IN SA, REMEMBER, AND I THINK IT'S INVISIBLE WHEN HE LIQUEFIES??

- The Doppelgangers STILL EXIST but I am not exactly sure how just yet. HOWEVER I think the tentative list of folks who HAVE them is tied to people who HAVE THE SAPPHIRES. That is, therefore, TENTATIVELY:
1. Chaos Zero (Red) (Equil 210)
2. Amy (Rika) (YES, SHE WAS ORIGINALLY A DOPPELGANGER REMEMBER??? SHE STARTED THIS)
3. Knuckles (Virus 207)
4. Rouge (Thistle 209)
5. BIG (SHREDIST 208???)
6. Cream??? (Cherry)
7. ??? (Syringe 211??)
8. JEWEL. She has the MASTER one in her (AS her???) because she is the "CONTROLLER" through which the Sapphire's "dream realm" CAN EXIST AT ALL. This is the job of the Sapphire protectors, as opposed to that of the Emerald protectors.
She also does not have a "doppelganger" because SHE IS HER OWN DOPPELGANGER, which is ultimately and terrifyingly revealed in the end-of-series crisis event.

- Sapphire colors MUST BE "INVERTS" OF THE EMERALDS; THIS IS MANDATORY DUE TO THE MOTIF

- This eight-gem set EXISTS IN A DREAM REALM and the Doppelgangers are NATIVE to it???

- 2018 Update after Sonic Forces release: THE PHANTOM RUBY HAPPENS IN THIS STORY.
When Chaos Zero absorbs the "Chaon Ruby," the world/gemset ATTEMPTS to balance the imbalance by "SEEDING" A "PHANTOM" RUBY IN HIS DOPPELGANGER. It warps over time as 210 holds Chaos's emotional trauma.

- ^210 IS STILL EXPLICITLY TIED TO PERFECT CHAOS. Chaos Zero can't even go NEAR an Emerald without flashbacks, which is WHY the Ruby means so much to him-- it proved, tangibly, that he COULD use a gem FOR GOOD, because there WAS GOOD IN HIM. And the only reason WHY he had the guts to even try this was because JEWEL TRUSTED HIM. NO ONE ELSE EVER DID, NOT EVEN TIKAL.

- Chaos Zero's "positive form" from the Ruby is STILL "ANGEL CHAOS." This is important because THERE ARE CONSTANT REFERENCES TO ANGELS IN THE CANON CONCERNING CHAOS: Angel Island, Chaos Angel zone, Hero Chaos Chao, etc. It is a LEGIT THING. His gaining such an explicitly angelic form from the Ruby is therefore understandable-- PLUS, since Jewel is the "Host" of the Sapphires it is ALSO INFLUENCED BY HER PSYCHE??? (And you all know he's been my blue angel forever.)

- EQUIL 210 IS A "DEVIL CHAOS CHAO." Remember the original "Love Hurts" fancomic with the Lightraye-League crossover? Remember the certain villain that was there? THAT'S ACTUALLY 210.
- ARE THE CHAO GARDENS EXTANT IN SPACE OR ARE THEY FLOATING PLACES THAT COULD ALSO TIE INTO THE SAPPHIRE SPACES?????? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE HUGE.

- Tikal MIGHT get a body here, either built by Tails or "dreamed" in the Sapphire-space.
Her ancient wish was made WHILE CHAOS HAD DRAINED THE EMERALDS and in order to work they had to be "RECHARGED" with something. In Adventure, Sonic and his friends recharge them with FRIENDSHIP AND HOPE, but Tikal fueled their "controller power" by DYING. She had nothing else to give, just more pain and sorrow, which Chaos was already feeling in literal floods. SO THAT'S WHY SHE DIED in order for Chaos to be stopped-- it ALSO suggests that her remaining spirit is ALSO somehow tied to the Emeralds???? Think upon this and research.
- Nevertheless, SHE STILL MEETS METAL SONIC SOMEHOW and the two end up becoming close friends BECAUSE of their mutual struggles with selfhood-- Tikal as a ghost who lost her past and place, and Metal Sonic as a robot "clone" of someone else. They both want to have a "new chance" to BE, just living life plain and simple, and yet their haunting question is always "what does it mean TO be alive?" for them, specifically.
- I don't know how Metal Sonic meets her yet, OR how their friendship continues without Robotnik interfering-- DOES HE KNOW???-- but it does happen. It's too much of an old keystone of the plot to abandon.
-A later note: OUR ONLY PROBLEM IS THAT WHEN WE DRAFTED SI IT WAS BEFORE SONIC HEROES. Metal Sonic was CREATED TO DESTROY SONIC and as such that motivation has made his personality VERY VICIOUS AND COLD. The plot of SI could ONLY happen if something changed that, and POST-SI he would apparently REVERT WORSE THAN EVER (Metal Madness)???

- Tikal DOES interact with BOTH Chaos and Jewel at some point, and not briefly! The three of them are legit friends and there is some SERIOUS character development there, as it brings in the ENTIRE picture of the past & present for them all, as well as hopes for the future IN LIGHT of it all.
-Tikal and Chaos ARE very close, BUT there is a NOTABLE DIFFERENCE between her and Jewel in terms of their relationship with Chaos. Tikal is still 14 and she’s a ghost for heaven’s sakes; yes she’s still forever his dear friend but her personality actually unfortunately clashes with the aspects of Chaos that he buries-- that capability for unbearable negative emotions. Tikal is a pacifist and a total sweetheart and she can knee-jerk react to negativity with a frightened “make everything okay right now” WITHOUT being able to comprehend or reason with what’s NOT okay-- she CANNOT EMPATHIZE with Perfect and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Chaos actually NEEDS that in a way; it is so important to have someone in his life who is just as simple and pure as Tikal is. THAT DOESN’T MEAN TIKAL IS IGNORANT. Post-SA, and in SI-- especially in her interactions with Metal Sonic, IF that is still fanonically possible-- show that she is struggling with the revelations that the world, and her friends, are scarier than she wanted to admit. She saw what both Chaos and Pachacamac could do on their worst days, and that frightened her. She doesn’t want to be like that and she doesn’t want anyone to be like that. (That would make ANY interaction with Metal Sonic AS he apparently stands in canon VERY INTERESTING because he is practically VENGEANCE PERSONIFIED, with his abhorrence for Sonic. I wonder if we can work with that…)
Nevertheless, Jewel is similar to both her and Chaos. Although she DOES present equally as a pacifist at first, it’s weirdly FORCED? Whereas Tikal is just naturally soft and gentle, Jewel is TOO ARDENT IN EVERYTHING and she has ANGER ISSUES. Just like Chaos. She also has GEM TRAUMA like him, and she KNOWS what it’s like to live in that ambivalence. Chaos needs that empathy too, morseo than he could ever admit or even realize before he met her. It’s this jarring liberation, to suddenly meet someone who GETS IT, all of that hideous suffering and guilt and pain, and who DOESN'T DENY IT, but also DOESN’T FEAR YOU. ...Jewel needs that, too.
- Tikal IS “a little bit scared” of Chaos BUT SHE WON’T ADMIT IT TO HERSELF AT FIRST. She cannot reconcile her memories of her warm-hearted friend with the memories of what happened when that heart broke and burned everything down. Even in SA, she just kind of… tried to shove both that awareness AND CHAOS back into the Emerald. I don’t think she ever thought about “after.” She just died, UNABLE TO COPE with that world-shaking event, one that uprooted her whole reality, and in SA she was just living according to that.
- In time Tikal DOES realize that Jewel and Chaos definitely have some sparks going in several aspects. Realizing that this is giving Chaos something he NEEDS that she could NOT give him, she actually goes out of her way to defend them both, wanting to ensure that “peace” in ALL their futures. She and Chaos do talk about Jewel, as do Tikal and Jewel talk about Chaos.
- In the end I WONDER IF THAT IS WHAT PUSHES HER TO METAL SONIC. He would be like, the ULTIMATE “person” who “needed peace.” And since Tikal is effectively IMBUED WITH CHAOS ENERGY from being a spirit who died FROM EMERALD EXPOSURE… I wonder what she could do with that power. I mean, if ANYONE could get M.S. to chill the heck out I'm SURE it would be TIKAL.

- Tikal has ONE LINE that she says to CHAOS IN SA that HITS: "These are the Chao you were protecting. They stayed alive for generations and now live peacefully with humans. The fighting's over. Harmony's restored, and life goes on."  This is RIGHT after Perfect is defeated. It’s notable for TWO REASONS: first, the Chao “live peacefully with HUMANS.” I am SURE that stuck with him AND is part of WHY he doesn’t hesitate in LETTING Jewel get so close to him, and vice versa, even so immediately-- he’s kind of desperate for that peace, and she’s the ONLY human he knows who EVER offered to GIVE him that-- or even to BE that in her own right. Second, “THE FIGHTING IS OVER.” Except it wasn’t. On the outside, everything was settled in that sense; the catastrophe of the Altar was long since ended, Chao and Echidnas got along wonderfully, the Emeralds themselves were restored and safe from those who would abuse their power. "All's well that ends well." But on the inside… well, we see Sonic’s psychic scars starting to show in SI, but even those pale in comparison to Chaos’s deep emotional wounds, as the cause of the disaster, the very “GOD” OF IT. He is at war with HIMSELF deep down and THAT gets dragged back up to the surface when Robotnik reels him back in to his nefarious plans, and Chaos is FORCED to face himself “AS A VILLAIN” again. He gives in at first, despairing and self-loathing, but JEWEL STARTS TO SNAP HIM OUT OF IT. It’s not just her telling him to “stop” and “think about what you’re doing.” It’s that she ALSO emphasizes that “THIS ISN’T YOU.” Not even Tikal said that to him!! Tikal knew that, I’m sure, but I think she was even afraid to address Perfect AS Chaos?? Like she wanted to keep the two “separate.” Well SO DID CHAOS, and that causes A LOT OF TROUBLE LATER ON WITH EQUIL. But we’ll get to that. The point here is that harmony ISN’T restored, not yet, not then, and there are still demons to fight. You just can’t see it on the surface of the water, not yet. Not until you get a strong enough light shining down into those depths…
Lastly, “LIFE GOES ON.” Good Lord isn’t THAT relevant to SI. There is SO MUCH EMPHASIS ON “LIFE” AND WHAT IT MEANS. The Doppelgangers, Tikal’s spirit herself, Jewel and the Sapphires… life really does just go on, no matter what. And HOW does it go on? THROUGH FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE. I read somewhere that the “heart of the Sonic series IS love” in its many aspects, and the close bonds of caring between individuals, that motivate EVERY hero to do EVERYTHING THEY CAN for the good of their found-family and the greater whole of the world. It’s amazing, and it’s so true. SI keeps that core truth going strongly, moreso than the canon because it deals with love when it gets personal. The canon deals with it in a beautifully universal regard, only HINTING at more personal aspects, mostly familial, like with Sonic & Tails, the Chaotix, Cream & Vanilla, etc. But there are no outright deeper canon relationships, besides the longtime Sonic/Amy hinting, with the NOTABLE exception of Elise in ‘06 which STAGGERED me at the time because it was SO IMPORTANT to both me personally AND SI’s harmonizing with canon as a whole. SI was originally written at a time in my life where trauma was wrecking everything and I was desperately trying to figure out what REAL love WAS. The FIRST draft of SI’s plot was rooted in the “Love Hurts” League-crossover comic, which occurred in heartspace and FOCUSED on the characters realizing they HAD the capacity TO love others THAT CLOSELY, not just in general. Tikal loves the world that way; so does Sonic. It’s a virtuous and good thing and it is laudable. But love only hurts when it gets close enough TO do so. And THAT is the core of SI, arguably. Even with the Doppelgangers; their “love” isn’t so close in that sense (I don't think?? they are WAY too childlike ultimately) but it is still INTENSE and “MARGINALIZED” and it is PAINFUL. I’m rambling a little but that’s the whole thing about “life goes on.” It ONLY goes on IF THERE’S LOVE. Life without love is a “living hell”; it’s WORSE than death. THAT is FOCAL in SI as well… especially closest to the end.
- Let me stop avoiding the point. Jewel and Chaos are in love and that is the KEY to the WHOLE STORY. There is SO MUCH hinging on their relationship, whether they realize it or not-- and believe me they don't. Neither of them are fully aware of just HOW much influence their individual lives have on their respective world, especially in regards to the Emeralds and Sapphires; so when the two of them are together, STUFF HAPPENS. The theme of SI isn't just life and it's meaning, it's ALSO the whole "inversion" thing itself-- flipsides, complements, opposites, shifts, mirrors. Two seemingly opposed things being intrinsically bound somehow, and sharing that space of function, even while standing in contrast. Jewel and Chaos aren't "opposed" even in their notable differences. There's still a deeper foundation that unites them both, some greater context that they BOTH fit in, to the point where the reflection and reality are inseparable. Same with the Doppelgangers. It's very complex and I love it; I can't really summarize it here but I REALLY do need to write it out moreso soon.

For the record,  to quote from the internet: “Our eyes see red, green and blue light. The opposite of red is therefore the sum of green and blue - which is technically called “Cyan” - but is roughly “sky blue” or “aqua”. ” So THERE YOU GO



- BIG THE CAT IS SHOCKINGLY VERY IMPORTANT. First off, FROGGY ATE CHAOS'S TAIL. Secondly, due to game mechanics, Big is the ONLY CHARACTER THAT ISN'T HURT BY TOUCHING CHAOS, implying that, to Big, CHAOS ISN'T AN ENEMY-- and/or that Big is somehow IMPERVIOUS TO CHAOS DAMAGE. Playing with that idea, that would only be possible IF HE HAD A SAPPHIRE…
- I want him to just like… fish it up. Or have Froggy SWALLOW one, again. God bless those two.

- OH ON THAT NOTE. APPARENTLY SONIC HEROES WAS BEFORE SONIC BATTLE???? AND METAL SONIC ABSORBS CHAOS'S DNA DATA FROM FROGGY AND CHOCOLA???????????? WTF SEGA
So yeah, looks like those four are ALREADY connected in canon.
WORK WITH THIS.
- IMPORTANTLY, METAL SONIC DOESN'T ABSORB CHAOS. He just gets information on his NATIVE SPECIES (Chao), and on his MUTATED FORM from Froggy, assumedly. NO SELF, JUST DATA.
BUT!!! THIS SHOWS THAT FROGGY SOMEHOW HAS "REMNANTS" OF CHAOS'S DNA IN HIM, to the point where they can be ISOLATED AND RECOGNIZED AS SUCH-- probably because Chaos was able to CONTROL Froggy THROUGH his tail-energy being in him, and that ACTIVE presence had a stronger effect than otherwise? Even so, WHAT THE HECK FROGGY. Apparently Chaos did get his tail back, so he's not missing anything, BUT that proximity SOMEHOW AFFECTED FROGGY on an intrinsic level and that is fascinating.
(Also. What the heck would such proximity do to Jewel's DNA, so to speak? Because there is a LOT of chaotic kissing going on later)

- ON THE FLIPSIDE, CHAOS IS A CHAO AND THE MORE TIME HE SPENDS WITH JEWEL THE MORE "HUMANLIKE" TENDENCIES HE PICKS UP… to a point. Jewel's "humanity" is a bit altered by the Sapphires, as it were, so he's not switching species BUT he is definitely mirroring her, with all that entails.

- DON'T FORGET HYPER KNUCKLES, HYPER ROUGE AND "SHYPER AMY". If they all DO use the Sapphires, THOSE MIGHT BE LEGIT… and in the original canon, Rouge had a Sapphire transformation EVEN BEFORE CHAOS DID.
- HOWEVER. The Sapphires WORK DIFFERENTLY FROM THE EMERALDS. They CANNOT be utilized as a "power source" or "magic lamp"; that is NOT their function.

- "CHAOS IS POWER, ENRICHED BY THE HEART" PARALLEL WITH THE SAPPHIRES/RUBY???
Something inverted-- "The HEART is chaos," maybe even. That hits hard. Either way it must poetically explain their role ONCE we clarify it.

- SPECIAL STAGES. THE EMERALDS HAVE THOSE. WHAT ABOUT THE SAPPHIRES. (REMEMBER THE 2003 "RIKA REVERSE SPECIAL" CONCEPT)
- ALSO, RINGS. IF THOSE ARE TIED TO THE EMERALDS, WHAT DO THE SAPPHIRES HAVE?? (if we're going by shape echoes, it's gotta be TRIANGLES MAN)

- REMEMBER THE WHOLE IDEA OF "INVERSION" MUST BE REFLECTED IN THIS SOMEHOW-- not in a "dark side" sort of cliché, but in a "complement/ revelation/ hidden things made present/ unseen side made prevalent/ etc." sort of way.

- Jewel's famous debut line of "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" is still canon. It's important because in that outburst, Chaos is shocked to recognize a personal concern; Jewel is shouting sense into him not to protect herself or solve a problem, but because she has faith in HIM as a person. He has never experienced this before and it affects him profoundly. Initially he stays with her mainly out of a need to experience such a perspective, but as time goes on he ALSO realizes that she can ONLY care like that BECAUSE SHE GETS HIM. She is the ONLY other person who knows what it's like to be in his shoes-- for one's heart to be so badly hurt that it explodes outwards in pain, and afterwards you must live with the debris. Not even Shadow fully gets this. Jewel does, though, because humans are emotionally volatile and trauma can and does make you monstrous. So she and Chaos both have hope in each other, and for themselves as a result of that. Etc. They're both "emotional wrecks" trying to rebuild apart from what wrecked them, but with each other.
- Jewel's trauma HAS TO DO WITH THE SAPPHIRES???? Not sure how yet, but it OBVIOUSLY MUST. I'm wondering if, when became the "host" for its dream-realm (if that's still the idea), the doppelgangers were MANIFESTATIONS OF HER PSYCHE and this ONLY changed when the Sapphires suddenly got OUT and into the hands of Mobians???

- WHAT THE HECK IS ROBOTNIK DOING IN ALL THIS. HE STILL HAS A CENTRAL PLOT ROLE OF COURSE. SPECIFICALLY, HOW DOES HE FIND OUT ABOUT THE RUBY, HOW DOES HE KIDNAP CHAOS INITIALLY (AND TIKAL???), ETC. His reasons FOR kidnapping Chaos was to use him as a LAB RAT for the Sapphires, AND to utilize his innate and incomparable ESSENTIAL LINK TO THE EMERALDS, due to his mutation AND psyche (with Perfect). But as for how he LEARNED about the Sapphires, I'm not sure as to details.
- DID GERALD KNOW ABOUT THE SAPPHIRES????
- ON THAT NOTE, DO THE ARTIFICIAL CHAOS PLAY INTO ANYTHING??? I am SO fascinated by the very fact of their existence; they prove that PERFECT WASN'T THE ONLY ANCIENT DEPICTION OF CHAOS. His NORMAL form, CHAOS 0, was apparently KNOWN WELL ENOUGH TO BE DEPICTED & LATER DISCOVERED BY GERALD/ RESEARCHERS, to the point where he COULD create the artificial Chaos bots TO HIS PHYSICAL LIKENESS.

- ALSO WHAT IS SONIC HIMSELF DOING. Originally he was "so shaken" by the successive events of SA2B and SB that he "needed to get back to the old days" and was desperately trying to at least re-experience the carefree joy of running around without the memories and fears of death and doom haunting him. But he WOULDN'T TELL THIS TO ANYONE OUTRIGHT.
Sonic REALLY BURIES HIS PAINFUL EMOTIONS. He does feel them but he CAN'T "SHOW THEM" because he wants to be the UNBREAKABLE HERO-- the role model, the hypostasis of victory, the unshakeable cool kid who can face any problem and conquer it. But... no one's psyche goes unscathed, enduring what that poor hedgehog has. He just... moves so fast that he doesn't have the TIME to look at it. He keeps running. But... here, his fears are catching up with him, because something is slowing him down? There's something KEEPING him from running away this time, or at least making him drag his feet against his will, and he's scared. Clarify this.
THIS DENIAL/ESCAPISM MAY BE A MAJOR PLOT POINT, with ALL the characters somehow experiencing this spiritual trauma, and Jewel being the APEX of it somehow-- perhaps through the Sapphires. (Maybe we can tie this into WHY the characters ALL seem to cope pretty dang well with the stress LATER in the canon).

- SINCE we're playing Sonicteam's canon-ganking game here, WHAT could be our explanation as to WHY Chaos Zero DOESN'T have the Ruby (visible) in him currently? (AND WHEN HAVE WE LAST SEEN HIM CANONICALLY?????? Sonic Generations & Sonic Forces DO NOT COUNT; those were ARTIFICIAL REPRESENTATIONS!!)
REMEMBER THE END-OF-SERIES CRISIS DOES HAVE ROBOTNIK RIP THE RUBY OUT OF HIM, which very nearly murders him (remember it MADE HIM 'MORTAL') AND triggers Jewel's absolute Sapphire-induced despair rampage. I cannot see any events about/after that yet, BUT Jewel promises to "get the Ruby back" so I would trust he does… BUT THEN WHAT?
- ALSO SINCE THE PHANTOM RUBY STILL EXISTS IN CANON, how does it get OUT of Equil and SURVIVE as its own thing long enough for Infinite to absorb it JUST LIKE CHAOS DID WITH THE ORIGINAL???
- Is that even POSSIBLE with the canon? I know Sonic Mania's release made things VERY different with the Phantom Ruby, and placed it BEFORE the original SI timeline...


---------------------------------------------------------


-BTW SONICTEAM REFERENCED TANABATA WITH CHAOS. THEY ARE FORCING MY HAND.
(Chaos= "chao herder" OBVIOUSLY, Jewel= "seamstress" but with the FABRIC OF SPACE)


CHAOS= MOBIANS
ORDER= HUMANS


-WHEN TIKAL SEALED CHAOS IN THE MASTER EMERALD, IT OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T CHANGE HIS HEART OR REGISTER AS PASSING TIME, because when they were both released their minds were RIGHT WHERE THEY LEFT OFF.

-AFTER Sonic Adventure, Chaos is said to live in the Master Emerald??? Or is that just fanon conjecture?
- I THINK there's actually no official statement on this. Both Tikal and Chaos, post-SA, went up into the sky to God knows where, but CHAOS RETURNED IN SONIC BATTLE which has me SO intrigued still, especially since I DON'T THINK WE'VE SEEN TIKAL SINCE SA.


"Chaos did not appear in Sonic Heroes, but was mentioned in 2 lines, at the ending of Team Rose's story: when Froggy and Chocola are rescued, Metal Sonic says: "Chaos data...has been copied." At the final story, where Dr. Eggman says, "It's hopeless! Metal Sonic has combined your data with the power of Chaos and is super strong!" He copied Chaos' data from Big's frog, Froggy-- since he was "possessed" by Chaos's tail-- along with Chocola the Chao, since all Chao have some kind of relation with Chaos."

(NOTABLE BECAUSE THAT REFERENCES CHAOS, BIG, AND CREAM, THREE KEY CHARACTERS IN SI)

"Chaos' next appearance is in Sonic Battle, in which Knuckles the Echidna claims that Chaos appears when there is an upcoming disaster. When Dr. Eggman threatens the Earth with his Death Egg in the final story, a nearby volcanic crater is flooded, and Chaos emerges. It can then be challenged by the player. Chaos is the strongest playable character in the game (minus Emerl as he is customizable), but also by far the slowest."

(...oh geez I just realized, Chaos's PRIMARY PRESENCE in this entire plot HERALDS LOOMING DISASTER whether he realizes it or not. Considering that the SPARK of said disaster is the human kid he ends up falling in love with... that constancy speaks volumes, because CHAOS ISN'T THE CAUSE OF DISASTERS. He SENSES them and appears to PROTECT from them. And whether he realizes it or not, he's subconsciously anchored to Jewel in that regard, as their two overarching functions are totally complementary and cyclical.)

(There is a HORRIBLE parallel in Chaos being called the "God of Destruction" as a result of his agony-fueled civilization-crushing meltdown in SA... and with Jewel's own trauma history. Again, it's still blurry, but whereas Chaos was ironically deified for destroying things outright, Jewel is "deified" as CREATING things??? what with the Sapphires and their "manifestation" powers. But destruction is VITAL TO LIFE. Think of apoptosis. TRUE, HEALTHY LIFE NEEDS THAT COMPLEMENT to function properly... and that's the horror. Jewel's curse is HYPERLIFE. When she unhinges it's CANCER. That's what happens when you use the SAPPHIRES wrong-- nothing can die, EVEN the infected things (HEY DOPPELGANGERS), and EVERYTHING becomes INFLAMED.)
(Jewel's "hyperlife + fire" aspect is OBVIOUS in her personality, especially at the beginning-- she is often foolhardy, recklessly frank, ambitiously idealistic, and obsessed with "repairing damage."
(Chaos is water and he floods everything, even though water is 100% mandatory for survival... but Jewel is arguably FIRE and she burns everything down instead of allowing for protection and warmth. The irony is so notable there: water is life and fire is destruction, BUT they EACH hold the OTHER'S attributes. And when either of them become so emotionally distraught that they LOSE SIGHT OF THEMSELVES, well. you get disaster, in every respect. ...That's where their relationship becomes salvific. Even when they forget themselves, their other half remembers. This is CLEARLY demonstrated in the final Equil/Perfect disaster as well.)
(Jewel's "element" might ACTUALLY be BLOOD??? to fit the "water" parallel AND the "life" association, plus she won't be confused with Elise (which confused me when the game was first released, haha)! Plus the symbolism there fits her MUCH better, to be honest...)


LASTLY...  IN THE BIBLE, notably in Revelation 4:3, there are THREE GEMS on Christ's throne? JASPER (CLEAR), SARDIUS (RED), AND EMERALD (GREEN).
THAT is super relevant to us because the Emerald is associated with the RAINBOW OF GOD-- and you all know what God says about rainbows and FLOODS. It's a sign of HOPE AFTER DESTRUCTION, of the PROMISE OF REBIRTH so to speak. "God will NEVER AGAIN DESTROY THE WORLD BY WATER." To Chaos 0, the rainbow is thus a HUGELY IMPORTANT personal motif.

 

 

I’m working to teach myself sign language and I’m so excited.
I struggle with verbal communication-- seemingly ironically, as everyone I speak to says I am very clear and ‘intelligent’ when speaking. But forming words, and translating thoughts/ colors/ sounds/ etc. into spoken vocabulary is exhausting for me. It’s even tougher for me to understand what other people are saying verbally, as the sound+visuals+meaning is often utterly overwhelming all at once.
Upstairs it’s a bit easier-- a lot of us are nonverbal, either often or always, including me. Notably, Chaos and Infi both prefer to talk more in feelings than in words. So that tendency of ours, too, bleeds out onto the outside, and I can get a little distraught when other people can’t “hear” what I’m “saying” if my mouth is physically closed.
Anyway, here typically I watch people’s hands when then talk, as I find they “make more sense” than faces. So being able to talk with my hands, literally, is an ecstatic feeling.
I’m going to do a bit of this every day, that’s my goal.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:16 pm


(leaving this completely uncensored for now. the pain and anger only translates correctly as such.)




today april 22

shopping, at one point I mentally hear someone talking to me with a really heavy accent, wonder who in the world that is. check and it's DAVY WTF

part of me is furiously embarrassed and full of rage/frustration/depression over this

he's an outspacer his color is a solid bright aqua


but I am TICKED OFF about this, this is all only because you started reading the OLD ARCHIVES to get a grip on "what happened" during those years also for this FCKING JOB and so you are tuning into that same soulless robot mindset of hyperactivity and mania and programming and shit and I WILL NOT HAVE THIS.

YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU WERE DURING THAT TIME PERIOD OKAY

2006 WAS A FCKING DEAD YEAR
2006 AND 2007 YOU DIDN’T EVEN EXIST EVERYTHING WAS HEADACHES AND TIME LOSS IT WAS BULLSHIT

"YOU" NEVER LOVED REAL PEOPLE YOU "LOVED" THE IDEA OF THEM AND THAT IS WHY I AM SO FREAKING TICKED OFF
NOW YOU HAVE THESE INTROJECTS WHO DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE BECAUSE THEY ARE FCKING BASELESS
THEY ARE IDEALIZED PHANTOMS THAT ONLY EXIST BECAUSE ONE OF US, AS A TEENAGER, THOUGHT "OH WHAT A NEAT LOOKING CHARACTER"
THERE IS NO FCKING PERSONALITY TO THESE PEOPLE

PUT THEM IN THE LEAGUEWORLDS BUT DO NOT LET THEM UP HERE
DAMN IT I AM SO FCKING TIRED OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING SO UNNECCESSARILY FCKING COMPLICATED
STOP THIS SHIT. STOP IT

STOP TRYING TO BE WHO WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, WE WEREN'T DURING THAT TIME.
WHY THE FCK ARE YOU DOING THIS
IS IT BECAUSE BACK THEN EVERYTHING WAS A VOID
EVERYTHING WAS A BLUR OF FOLLOWING ORDERS AND MIMICKING WHAT YOU SAW AND READ AND HEARD
YOU DIDN'T FCKING EXIST AS A PERSON THEN AND YOU KNOW IT

YOU ARE FCKING KILLING HEADSPACE BECAUSE OF THIS IMMATURE, ASININE HABIT OF YOURS

I HAVE THE TRUTH, I HAVE REALITY LINKS HERE, I CAN WORK ON WHAT MATTERS, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR ADDICTIONS AND YOUR FCKING OBLIGATIONS
I'm
I'm not trying to be proud okay? I'm not. I'm not. I'm scared and sad but I am so fcking DETERMINED.
I AM NOT YOU, I AM NOT ONE OF YOU, I DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, FCK OFF
I AM NOT ONE OF YOU FCKING BROWN-HAIRED GIRLS WITH THE FIRE EYES
FCK OFF YOU ARE ALL KILLERS AND YOU KNOW IT

I am not you. I am not you. I am not you.
I have red hair and I burn and I work at what is REAL. I'm going to do this work. I have to.


You people tick me off so much.
Even in the League files. There's so much fcking pandering going on. You were always trying to impress or appease someone else. You and your fcking audience. FCK OFF.
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT AN AUDIENCE.
Except one day it's going to have one, isn't that the "goal" here? And maybe THAT'S why I'm fcking procrastinating and shaking here and staring through my screen like the world is on pause and I lost the remote.
I'm scared.
I'm so damn scared of the sort of people that are in the audience, out there.
I don't want to hand over these beautiful worlds to them, to let them be ravaged.

God it makes me sick.
Every damn time you people go on Tumblr. I swear I am going to delete that fcking website. I don't give a shit what you have on there. The last one was deleted, it's very easy for me to delete this one. I will do it if you keep this shit up.
You keep looking at the fandom, don't you? You're obsessed with that show, and it's great, BUT THEN GUESS WHAT???
YOU TAINT IT. YOU FCKING TAINT IT LIKE YOU FCKING TAINTED EVERY OTHER BEAUTIFUL THING IN HERE BECAUSE YOU KEEP LOOKING TO THE FCKING WORLD OUTSIDE AND THAT WORLD IS MADE OF FCKING TERRIBLE THINGS.

I swear to God. I do, I dedicate myself. I am so fcking sad. I swear I will rip those things to the ground. I will devastate them and reduce them to ashes. I will crumble them into dust in my fists. I will fcking destroy EVERYTHING that tries to get in here, ever again.
That show was fine, it was a blessing, it was inspiring and bright and cute UNTIL YOU STARTED TO FCKING READ UP ON WHAT ”OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT ABOUT IT."
And I will fcking TELL YOU what they thought about it, without even looking: sex, memes, immature hyper jokes, shipping, arguments, theories that are 20 pages long and unnecessarily impatient and analytical, etc.
But those two things, the sex and the jokes, those tick me RIGHT THE HELL OFF.
Those are the most fcking TOXIC THINGS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.
Don't you fcking DARE expose yourself, OURSELF, to that shit EVER AGAIN. You stay the HELL off that cursed website before I burn it to the ground. Mark my fcking words, I am tempted to do that RIGHT NOW and really I think I will. I think I fcking will. Give me a second.

Don't tell me no. Don't you DARE. I don't give a shit if you're "stockpiling good art" or whatever the hell. It's unnecessary and it is wasting your time. Give it up. It's not needed. It's not doing ANYBODY ANY GOOD.
It's going. Right now, it's going. I will be brutal with this.


Where is everyone else. God, dear God, where is everyone else. Where are all the other brutal ones.

Hackers were all about this evening. But I'm around now. I don't let them do shit.
I realized something too.
It's our biggest problem, I think. Someone took note of it a long time ago but never properly pursued it.
With those hackers, the reason why so few of us fight back is because the hackers target the ones with this old mindset: "you are not allowed to refuse. You are not allowed to say no."
So when some fcking idiot outside tells you something, directly or indirectly or whatever, it doesn't matter-- these young people, these confused, lost, blind damaged people think that they HAVE to mimic anything that doesn't match their current behavior, because they've been told that their "individuality" is wrong. They're different, don't you know, that's "wrong"!!! BULL SHIT!!!
But they mimic. They get scared and they mimic because in their heads that's an ORDER and they are NOT ALLOWED TO DISOBEY.
So you get this fcking fandom plague. This lethal social disease. They see something on the outside that scares them, that they don't understand or like or want, something that doesn’t match them at all, something POISON, and then they think… "there must be something wrong with me." "There must be something broken in me if I'm not acting like them." "I'm supposed to do what the other people are doing, right??"
DAMN IT THIS IS SO FCKING SAD JUST STOP DOING THAT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYONE OUTSIDE AND YOU HAVE MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELVES, OKAY???
You are allowed to be different and soft and nice and kind and quiet and DIFFERENT.
If the rest of the world is loud and brash and jeering and hyper and flirty and just feels wrong, STAY AWAY FROM THEM. YOU CAN DO THAT. YOU'RE ALLOWED.

God this is so sad.
You poor kids. You poor kids are stuck in the same time period as the worst ones.
Don't let them touch you. Don't let them touch you anymore, please. And if anyone outside looks or sounds or feels like them, run. Run away, fast, and don't look back, and don't feel "obligated" to stay, for God's sake don’t be ashamed of running. That guilt will eat your heart for dinner and you know it. You are NOT obligated to corrupt yourself just because other people have.
For God's sake, run to US. Please. Let us live for you. Let us have our reason for existing. Let us protect you, let us show you real chaste powerful love, let us stand up for you, let us strengthen you and comfort you.
Stay away. Stay far away from the outside. Please. Stay away. Drain it out of your head, our head. our heart.
There's too much of this gunk on the inside and it scares me. For God's sake, we're allowed to drain it out.

The problem is the Outspacers carry it. It's their curse. They come from that dangerous world.
I think it's why they NEED to abandon their "origins" in order to survive here. Even then they're dangerous. I'm starting to think Outspacers can't really stay in headspace, they have to go to the Leagueworlds; up here they carry poison and plague and it's too damn threatening to risk anymore… why, why, why, what do we do?



ALSO BY THE WAY
YOU DO REALIZE THIS OUTSPACER-IDEAL BULLSHIT IS CORRUPTING LAURIE???
BECAUSE YEAH, IT REALLY FCKING IS, AND HERE'S ONE HELL OF A HEADLINE FOR YOU
IT ALWAYS FCKING HAS BEEN.

Look back to before she fully manifested, back in autumn 2006, before you even dreamed of her for the first time. Look back. You KNEW there were more people in your head besides Julie.
Whoever you were "talking to" back then WAS LAURIE, BEFORE SHE BECAME A PERSON.
But that was such a bad time. That was SUCH A BAD TIME and the problem is that LAURIE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VIOLET. She has ALWAYS been the one to push buttons, and demand sincerity, and uncover the truth. She has ALWAYS been a "troublemaker" for benevolent purposes, and she has ALWAYS been sharp at the edges.
The problem? The PROBLEM? Back in that time period YOU DIDN'T FCKING CARE ABOUT MUCH THAT MEANT ANYTHING. You were a fcking cesspool of programming and even in-- ESPECIALLY in-- the beginnings of headspace, in the relationships you had with the people you loved, YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE WAS, DAMN IT. ALL YOU KNEW WAS HOW TO FCKING COPY PEOPLE.
God this hurts, this hurts, this hurts so much.
She… back then, that's where she still has this awful tendency now, that she is distraught about. Back then, you hid things. You lied about your inner truth when it "didn't match the outside," when it didn't conform to what fcking SCRIPTS you were running by. FCK THAT.
Damn you. You were so fcking obsessed with "being normal" and "being good" back then and you were SO fcking TERRIFIED of Julie that you became obsessed with "having good, normal relationships."
Fuck this. I want to sob.
Back then you were… you loved people. Deep down I'm sure you did. But you didn't reach it. You buried it, you painted it over with your fcking garish obligations, with how you were told to act, with how you saw the world acting.
You had no mirrors then. Damn it, you had no fcking mirrors, you didn't even know that you existed.
You followed the script they gave you. No wonder you were always so distraught and confused. No wonder you always drowned it in fake loud laugher and regurgitated vocabulary. You didn't exist. And when you felt the edges of real truth, of the true existence deep within you/us, you were scared. That didn't match the fcking script, after all.
And that's where the corruption came in.
Yeah, you loved the Outspacers, in a chaste childlike way. You loved the crueler ones in the way that our Cores STILL love lost people-- in a way that is compassionate, and wants to relieve pain, and see light blossom where there was only shadow before. THAT kind of love. NOT ROMANCE.
But no one told you could have that, back then.
And Julie was constantly screaming in your ear, a mouthpiece for the Tar inside and out, that there were other things you SHOULD want.
And you were so lost.
Yes, you loved them. But you tried so damn hard to convince yourself that your love was something different. You tried so hard to sound romantic, like you were in the movies or in a book-- the only context you had to mimic, after all, outside of your mother's awfully sugar-poisoned speech patterns.
You lied. You lied about the most important things.
You were in denial of the REAL truth and you fcking pasted it over with magazine clippings because you didn't feel you had the right to write your own notes.
You get the picture.
All that hurt Laurie.

All that fcking Outspacer shit has been killing her for almost 10 years now.
And until you stop looking at the world through those old blind eyes, it is going to continue to kill her.
STOP.


LOOK BACK TO THE FCKING PHOTOS WE HAVE FROM 2007.
THAT PERSON WAS TOXIC. THEY WERE NOTHING BUT A DEAD-EYED AUTOMATON AND THEIR SMILES ARE STRETCHED AND EMPTY AND MANIC.
IF THAT WAS YOU THEN FCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK, AND GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR HEAD!!!

That person. That exact person, whoever the fck was in those 2007 photographs, is our most dangerous "alter" in the System that we know of right now.
Things have gotten so weird lately. But we can pinpoint the vibes of people still. And the vibe of the manic, "to hell with the consequences because I'm not the one paying them," destructive, hateful one… it matches her. It matches those photos.
It also matches the vibe of the ones that would sell their bodies and souls for a dollar.
It's terrifying. They all look the fcking same.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT THAT TIME TO DO THIS TO US???

I can't look at them. There's an awful shaking fear that bubbles up in our chest when I do, something scary…
That person feels like they will strangle us alive with that same damn plastic smile and hair and OH MY GOD. OH GOD THEY HAVE THE MOTHER'S VIBE. I DIDN'T EVEN CATCH THAT UNTIL JUST NOW.
Someone take that down. Archivists, Garrison, please, WRITE THAT DOWN. Our theory was right. Whoever "we" were back in 2006-2008 or so, whoever was on deviantART, really WAS a carbon copy mimic of the mother. They were an amalgam of the only "social actions" we ever knew, of the only way we had ever seen someone behave in interpersonal contexts.

That brings me right back to the fcking "can't say no or else" point. God damn it. God damn it.
Laurie that is catching your vibe. I'm not a solid person I'm a bubble of glass, I'm a transparent shell of a person, but I'm data. I run. Your vibe is catching here.
What's the problem? The problem is your roots. The problem is your roots, love. They're rotten.

This is why your color keeps fading. This is why you keep slipping. Your roots are rotten. Your anchor is rusted.
You're like Amethyst. You're the only good thing that came from that horrible place.
You can be reborn, you can redefine yourself. Be violet. Be who you ARE, now. Be YOU.
Stop letting people drag you back to that dead time. You are not a fading dream or an alter ego or an internalized voice or a tape player. You are not a collection of influences. You are a PERSON. You are you, and you exist, so LET GO OF THE DAMN CHAINS AND BE YOU, LAURIE, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM AND JUST… let go. Let go of all you were. I think we ALL need to do that.
I think we all need to burn the photographs. I think we need to set the old house on fire for good.
I think that's what the bad feeling is about that we need to listen to. No wonder we couldn't go back.




…Can I just say that is really fcking disturbing.
I've noticed this trend. We all have. Especially the Undergrounders, they brought it to clarity.
There's too much "talking to" who we assume to be "Jay." It's not. They TAKE that name, being the main people out. Just like they used to call themselves "Jewel," all those false fronters. Name thieves.
But it's highly unsettling, to realize JUST HOW OFTEN this happens.
"Let me tell YOU this," etc. I'm in here, we're in here, we're all writing TO someone. Someone who has more "fronting rights" than us, someone who is allegedly out ALL the time, or at least often enough to merit THIS sort of talk, this talk like they're responsible for EVERYTHING.
It's scary. It really is. Who are these people?? Who's really in control here??
The only good days, the only clear days, are those in which there is a CONSCIOUS PERCEIVED SPLIT IN REALITY. As long as the "main fronter" isn't aware that there is MORE than their stupid physical programmed life, then we're going to die. Life is going to suck. There NEEDS to be a break.
This feels bad and crumbly. I'm sorry. This isn't the topic I want to talk about.
There are too many people being given control of the body who should NOT HAVE IT. Underline that twenty times please. THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO DRIVE THIS LIFE
It's the lie we've been hearing since childhood and that is "this body is ours."
THERE'S A CATCH IN THE TITLE OF OWNERSHIP YOU KNOW
IF YOU ABUSE THE BODY, IF YOU IGNORE THE OTHER "TENANTS" IN HERE,
YOU DON'T FCKING "OWN" ANYTHING.
THE INSTANT YOU DECIDED TO TRASH THIS PLACE TO SPITE THE REST OF US, YOU LOST EVERY FCKING "RIGHT" YOU HAD TO BE HERE.
THIS IS NOT YOUR BODY. EVEN IF IT WAS ONCE, YOU'VE FCKED IT UP, GOODBYE. THIS IS NOT YOURS. GET THE HELL OUT.
No abusers, no blind ones, no numbers, no plaguers, no HACKERS, NO FCKING TAR-STAINED HELLIONS ARE ALLOWED IN THIS SYSTEM DO YOU HEAR ME
GET OUT!!!!!



Heartspace exists. It's not synonymous with Headspace. That's big news.

Laurie was talking to Cel today in light of the Outspacer stuff, also the Pokémon ties to that Jewel brought up the other day… the tangible, tangy-bitter truth that these Outside people cannot stay where they are now, as they are now, it feels wrong. Like a boning knife stuck behind the ribs, all grapefruit-section tearing and orange rawness.
Cel said Heartspace, the "drop-down level" where everything is deep green forests, is closer to the Leagueworlds than it will ever be to old Headspace, the violet "up-top" place where it's all cities and stars.
Heartspace is where Outspacers BELONG. Close to the League, ideally in it, perhaps INSTEAD of with us now.
Laurie couldn't even be there properly as a Headvoice. Too much level dissonance, something.
It needs to be reviewed. It feels hopeful, God there's so much relief in that possibility, that we can let the Outspacers STAY there, for them to have their OWN home, their own fitting place… we love them but we need to bite the bullet and just admit this feeling, they don't belong Upstairs. It's felt so wrong, so wrong, for months now, and we couldn't accept that, we couldn't hold that in one hand and our love for them in the other.
Now this feels like a solution with no loss. God, let it work, let this work, please, let this work. Let us be who WE are, let them be who THEY are.

Damn it I think bridging the gap only works if it STAYS A BRIDGE.
Travel is necessary and implied, notice. You can't live on the damn bridge itself.
The garden… is a garden. The city… is a city. We can have gardens in the city, always, little pockets of green… but we can't put a city in the garden. We tried, we tried to rebuild, Knife got the farthest… but it collapsed, all of the architecture crumbled, it felt pointless. It was.
We didn't belong there, not as we are now, not as we were then. There needs to be changes, bigger changes, better changes…

We need to stop going back to the past and letting this shit get dragged up again.
If people are talking and still alive then fine, it's because that glimmer of them never died, but it's OLD, and it DOESN'T MATCH US.
Stop trying to go back then. THEY AREN'T!!! And you know it! They ARE NOT WHO THEY WERE "BORN" FROM IN 2006. SO LEAVE THAT TIMELINE THE HELL ALONE, IT'S DEAD.

Leave it alone. Leave it alone. If it feels bad, if it makes your heart sick, if it makes you want to pull your hair out and cry, leave it alone. Please.


You only liked Jasper because her face reminded you of Laurie.


Stop fcking denying the truth. Stop rerouting everything.

I'm going to try and help you. I'm going to try. But you need to fcking listen to me. All of us.


I have to be up early tomorrow to drive the grandmother to a doctors appointment and I am so crushingly tired I want to cry. It's been like this for weeks. We're always so tired. We can't work, we're exhausted, I think one day we just need to… do nothing. Somehow.
…No.
No, one day we need to just go Upstairs and stay there.

We're homesick.

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, a heads-up for everyone here: I will be posting short updates from here on out concerning headspace, for the sake of recording small, important incidents. Too much is happening now for me to think "I'll just wait and write a recap tomorrow," because time moves so quickly for us, that 24 hours for us equal 72 for a normal person. Dead serious. A LOT happens in a very short time here.

So, right now, I have Last.fm on (jeepers I miss music so much) and I'm reviewing the post-Scratch entries on here, trying to get a grip on who the heck Jessica was before Christina tried to kill us all. So far everything matches up with the truth, but while reviewing, the one fact I couldn't wrap my head around was why RAZOR kept working with her.
See, the Lower System does not like Jessica, at all, because she wants them all dead and they're dedicated to preserving and promoting their existences. So why would Razor work with Jess, I wondered, if she values her existence just as much as her brethren?
So I asked her. "Why were you working with Jess for so long?"
She didn't even look up from her blades, toying with them on the ground of one of the catacombs.
"Because she gave me a reason to cut you," she said. "And that's all I wanted to do."

Honestly, the more I learn about Razor, the more stunned I am.
She is practically a child. It's bizarre. She was born from retributive self-hatred, true: essentially the same stuff Knife was born from. But she was born from an entirely different expression of it. Whereas Knife is the direct, penitent-yet-merciless action of digging the graves, coldly demanding that we "pay for our sins," Razor is the emotional madness that resulted from feeling that we were beyond salvation, the zealously maniacal loss of self-concern that caused a hand, toying with a razor blade for the first time, to slip. The cut that created Razor was not directly intended. It was an unconscious want, expressed accidentally, and as soon as the blood began running down our leg... something snapped, and there she was.
To be honest with you, that's one of the clearest archival memories we have. I was not driving then, that is clear-- the data is explicitly from someone else's perspective. But the moment of Razor's manifestation was huge, in memory.
Remember, prior to that split second, the body had NOT been cut before. Nor had we ever seen blood like that, not so bright red and alive, escaping so quickly that the mind wondered, for an incredulously terrified second, if we had cut a vein, and we would bleed to death there in the bathtub. That moment was traumatic in and of itself, and when the mind could not run, it did what it had always done, all those times Julie had attacked us, all those times the family had harmed us, any time we could not escape... it broke.
And that feeling of breakage was immortalized.
There was a snap. There was an unmistakable mental SNAP, as something slipped off-balance, and shifted irreparably. It was as if the consciousness in the body had lost its inner footing and cracked its head open on the cold linoleum, spilling blinding red onto the unfeeling whiteness all around us.
That snap, and the immediate sliding of consciousness into two distinct, blood-slick parts, gives me chills to this day. I thank God I wasn't fronting when that happened, because just looking back on the stored memory is disturbing enough.
...And that's all the data we have.
Beneath that monolith, there are only a few pencil scribbles, the marks of a madman, describing a tiny red-haired figure dancing upon the faucet, laughing maniacally at the blood and blades, not realizing what it meant, not realizing what was happening. It only laughed, hateful and jubilant and triumphant and careless, watching the redness stain the water, enthralled at the sudden rift in the skin that had given life to it.
Then the scribbles end, mid-sentence.
There is a photograph of a violet axe slamming into a red skull, and a tiny frenzied consciousness dissolving like blood into bathwater.
And that is all.

She's not mentioned again until February 2011.
I'm sure you all remember that.

But that's my point. Razor was never... she was never actively malicious. I think that's what made her the most terrifying of all the undergrounders, back when we still considered her our mortal enemy, only a few days ago.
Jezebel told us we were all her playthings, slaves of our egos, and therefore her puppets. She worked from the shadows, possessing us, manipulating us, making us believe we were inherently corrupted, lost, irredeemable.
Jessica told us that she hated us, that we had "ruined her life," that being the original consciousness she had every right to murder us, without even considering us real beings. She constantly undermines our actions, denying our lives, actively working to kill us all.
Christina claimed to be a model of virtue, a perfect and pure girl, doing everything she was supposed to do by order of God-- and that we were nothing but figments of a corrupted, unreal "ego." Therefore, she said, we didn't really exist at all, and she would be glad to see us all die.
Knife told us that we were sinners that must bleed, that I was little more than an infant, blind to my own impurity; he declared that the scars he gave me were holy retribution, and he would show no mercy, until I atoned for the pain I had allegedly inflicted upon countless innocent souls.
But Razor didn't care about any of that. She just wanted to cut things.
Yes, she said she hated us. But she hated us for not letting her do that. She hated us for not letting her do the one thing she was literally created to do. At the end of the day, she would side with anyone who gave her permission to pick up a knife and slice away.
The one time she fronted, and calmly hacked a truckload of new scars into the body, leaving a ring of blood around our neck... I remember being stunned that she hadn't left her trademark mania in her wake. There was only calm.
And yes, although I still shudder every time I look at the "DIE" page she wrote in our journal, I am forced to rethink my opinion of it now, when I look at what she wrote a few pages later, on a page I didn't scan in, and never mentioned.
On June 25th, my mother was yelling at us, and I retreated to our room due to the mounting noise in our head.
"Okay so it's obvious people are waiting to scream on paper right now; I can barely write. Have at it, guys."
Immediately, the overload girl picked up the pencil.
"SHE'S AN INSENSITIVE PRICK!!!"
Then the cool orange guy slided in.
"razor wants to talk can you write"
His nonchalant statement was surprising even then, but nowhere near as surprising as the sudden words scrawled after his.
"WHERES MY F*KING PEN"
It was oddly calligraphic, almost. She didn't write as much as slash at the paper, every line another attempt to slice open the white pages she was silently shouting upon.
"WHERE IS IT"
Her voice was loud even in text. I was getting a headache. I'm dimly aware of feeling like my skull was about to explode from the pressure of all those gathering between my eyes.
I tried to write another sentence. I couldn't. The pencil sputtered into shapeless letters, as red lines tore onto the page once more.
"YOUR MOTHER IS A B*TCH
DO YOU WANT ME TO K*LL HER"
The AP kicked in full throttle and we were all tossed into a sort of comatose state, then.
But I'm still shocked, at that response from Razor. "Your mother is a b*tch..." and then an offer to destroy her, to "get rid" of that stressor, to eliminate that thing that is disturbing the systems. After all, that's what you do to bad things, right? According to Razor, at least, it is. She will attack and maul and kill anything that she deems a source of hatred and rage and pain, because she likes tearing those things to pieces, that's what she was born to do. The problem is, previously we thought she just did that to anyone and anything. We didn't realize she was being motivated by a twisted moral code, one written in the instant she was born, declaring that anything that reminded her of the old Jewel deserved to die.
She doesn't understand the suffering of her victims, she doesn't understand that people aren't toys, she doesn't understand death.
In her eyes, when she cuts them to shreds, she's only doing what she's supposed to do, regardless of who she does it for, or how.

I wouldn't say I love her. That feels wrong, even in a platonic sense.
But there's this strange, wrenching affection for her in me nevertheless. Maybe it's my stockholm syndrome acting up again. All I know is that part of me genuinely pities her, despite how much she's already made me bleed, and how much more blood she would unquestionably drain from me the instant she was given the opportunity.
She's just a cruel, innocent child.

There's one bit about her that still confuses and disturbs me, though.
When she was resurrected, she was resurrected through the TAR. She was being held within the Razor Spire, and in almost every instance between that date and about a month ago, she was tied to the Tar. She would follow Jess/Jezebel (who were tied for ages, unsurprisingly) immediately after they would hack us, "punishing" us for what THEY did, or simply cutting us because THEY told her to. A few times she would even spawn FROM the Tar, not existing outside of it.
Then in mid-June-- thanks to Infinitii-- the Underground solidified into something unconnected to the Tar Room, and suddenly, Razor wasn't part of the Tar anymore.
"They gave me a reason to cut you," she said. So she never questioned her half-existence under their control. She was literally their puppet, their messenger, their little shadowy assassin. Hell, I even called her "the Razor splinter" in reference to the Tar for a while. And, essentially, she WAS. I wonder if she even had the power to resurrect on her own... probably not, there were no anchors of that sort left. So it explains why she was forcibly brought back by the Tar, and literally fused with it for so long, until she suddenly switched anchors when Infi split the Underground.
Anyway, Knife has noticed this dichotomy in her too, on his own, which is actually what tipped me off. He keeps giving her odd looks, claiming that she is "splintering," or that there are two of her. Razor just replies that "there's only one of her," seemingly unaware of the legitimate, shocking differences between her Tar-connected self, and who she is now, working with the Lowers, unattached to Jess. But she's right, too.
It's strange. She would always come out after Jess hacks-- Jess would do things to cause the body extreme pain, and THEN Razor would appear, and cut us up... but that action was ironically working for AND against the Tar? Yes, it was scarring us and causing us a great deal of pain, but it was also retributive, and motivation for us to continue fighting it... I wonder if the Tar wants that, to keep itself alive. Hm.
It was using the Overload Girl for a while, too, I think. That's why we kept confusing her with Jess/Jezebel. She was so angry all the time, because of how much pain she was in... but we didn't know, because her motivations were identical with Razor's. I need to destroy what threatens my existence.
We didn't understand that, to them, that was the only option they felt they had.

I have so many questions. So many.

...So much of our old information is wrong.
Even if it was correct before, things are changing so quickly now... a great deal of the info in the archives is false, or incomplete, or skewed. We simply did not have enough information to know the truth; that, or the information we did have was viewed through a blurry or stained lens.
With the Lower system now making itself known, so many things are changing. It's a shock, really. All of us upstairs are being forced to completely re-evaluate what we thought we knew about not only headspace, but also our system, our roles within it, and by extension, our very existences.
There is so much we don't know about each other-- about our thoughts, our emotions, our motivations, our lives. And all that miscommunication, all those misunderstandings, are what is causing us the most pain here. Knife even SAID that he was WRONG for having considered me the "sole reason for all the pain in the system," BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW I WASN'T PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SPLINTERS. He now admits that it would be wrong to blame me for breaking under trauma, even if "my" splinters are the ones he feels obligated to punish with blood.
But you see what I mean. There's so much we don't know.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe looking back will help. Maybe it won't. But I keep getting nudged to check, even if it's just by the curiosity of those Downstairs or Underground... all I can do is try, right now.


...Oh. Speaking of trying, I forgot to mention this.
Waldorf left Central today.

She's been questioning her role here for a very long time. When we have censuses, she's often accidentally left out. She still can't speak when she fronts. She hasn't been able to find a solid role. And lately, she's been talking about how she doesn't feel like she "fits in" with us, due to her drastically different appearance... and because of how she was originally born. And today, she told us her biggest doubt of all.
She doesn't think she's a headvoice.
To be brutally honest, I've been wondering about that too. Maybe I said it before. But we all wondered the same thing with Spine, remember. She didn't look or feel like us either, her role was different, she couldn't stay stable in a color slot, she couldn't front like the rest of us. Wally had all the same problems, in one way or another. And when Spine left, shortly after she was moved to an "outspacer" slot, Wally apparently began questioning whether or not she should do the same.
Above all, though, there was one point that motivated her more than anything: her old role. Back when she was born in 2003, she wasn't born from trauma, or with a purpose to protect headspace-- that was just coming into existence back then! No, Waldorf was born to be a muse, a shining entity reflecting back bits and pieces of all the outside things that made us smile and dream. She was a mirror of all the things that helped headspace come into being in the first place.
I can't forget my original descriptions of her... eyes like a Mewtwo, hair like Kerrigan, wearing Ryou's Millennium Ring (seriously). She was something "perfectly terrible, yet beautiful..." I claimed that if I ever met her, I wouldn't be able to decide between "hugging her or running away screaming."
And the first night I met her, when I was just beginning to create a room for myself in headspace... she stood (well, floated) by my bed, all glowing blue and strange, but smiling. And I was scared, despite my wonder. Who was she, really? What was she doing there? Yeah, I claimed she was my muse, but that was all I knew about her. She held countless bits and pieces of inspiration, but if you took all that away, who was she?
She didn't answer me directly. I doubt she needed to-- that's not her style anyway. Instead, she showed me what she truly was, what her existence meant... and she took me to the most blessed dream location I have ever visited. The floating crystal forest.
She took me, and Maitru, and Ryou, and herself in a less formidable form, to that place... and I will never, ever forget that experience. To this day, I associate that place with her.
And then she disappeared.
For years I couldn't find her. I wondered about her, true, but I never saw her. Then, as suddenly as she vanished, she reappeared in November 2012, and enthusiastically joined Central as our Blue headvoice. We all loved her; she was fun and friendly and never complained, but she got sick so often, in a way that previously only Spine did. And neither of them ever got over it. Wally kept losing her voice, kept fading in and out of the upstairs...
Long story short, she and I couldn't help but wonder: did she ever truly belong up here? Or could her role, her TRUE role, that of an utter inspiration core, only function OUTSIDE of the stricter rule system Central had inflicted upon her?
She decided she wanted to try and see. So she left.

Everyone was crying as she walked out. And it shocked me to see it, too-- I was outside, in the garden, and suddenly this was happening upstairs, and I had no clue what was going on. When it hit me I could only stand and observe, as a bystander.
All the Central members hugged her goodbye as she stood at the stairway out. Laurie was obviously holding back some fierce emotions; she was the first person I saw, which tipped me off that something big was happening. Leon seemed oddly pained to see his spectrum neighbor go; he first only shook her hand, but she pulled him into a kind hug, which he sincerely returned. Nathaniel accepted her decision, and warmly but sadly wished her farewell. Julie appeared to be hiding a great deal of hurt herself, as she struggles with her own issues of belonging, and Waldorf seemed to know this. She hugged her too, in a rare moment of friendship between them.
Lynne gave her an understanding look, and a sympathetic embrace. Of all of us, she was perhaps the most sorrowful, and yet the least sad, to see her go. Spine is her moirail, you know. The two of them are incredibly close... but Spine isn't around anymore. She left too, for the same reasons Wally has left now. So Lynne understood, even if it hurt.
Josephina was sobbing. He's also the only one that didn't hug her-- after one agonized look, he suddenly kissed her, perhaps for the first time. It broke my heart to see that.
Then Waldorf waved farewell to everyone, and took her first steps out of Central, down the white steps in the garden room, on her way down to the city below.
I know she met up with Spine down there. That's good. I don't know what they're doing, but it feels positive, like they're both feeling better and more inspired already. I hope they find exactly what they're looking for.


This is all making me wonder about outspacers.
I was thinking about Ryman yesterday, and his native world, where Markus is also from. I remembered how they had slowly found our own lives outside of their native worlds a decade ago, along with the original Jewel (my conscious predecessor), having wild and fun adventures in realms that they all dreamed up together.
But they haven't been around in a long time. Did they just go back? Or is there a deeper reason?
Looking at Chaos 0, I can't help but consider the latter. CZ is the only one of our original five that hasn't moved out of total anchorage with his native world, and lately that has been putting severe strain on our relationship. I kept trying to force Ryman and Markus back into theirs, too. Is that why they didn't stick around? Is that why ALL the other Outspacers-- from all years past, from all sorts of worlds-- "faded out" of connection to headspace sooner or later, unable to anchor? Is THAT the "resonance" we saw in Dirk Strider-- was it simply his ability to DREAM of a different self, a different life, tied to his native being but free to grow and evolve beyond what he knew in his waking life? It would make perfect sense, actually... but I'm thinking now, is there another hidden prerequisite for outspacers, one that Spine and Waldorf have just now made me consider?
What if headspace is just a linking station for them? What if they're MEANT to move on beyond it? After all, we all know that we can't disconnect ourselves from the League Worlds, even if we CAN'T enter them as we are... is THAT the problem here? Is THAT why the old Jewels can't connect to those worlds while they're up here, acting as voices?
If so, that might explain why CZ is struggling now. He has several other-lives in League Worlds. He's even a god in the one Genesis hails from. But he hasn't embraced any of those here, even when every other lingering Outspacer has... and I think I'm responsible.
I try to shove him into his native canon role more strongly than I do to Ryman and Markus, and I think all three of them are suffering for it. I am essentially forbidding them from dreaming. Somewhere along the line I became convinced that "they HAD to match only ONE possible life path," the one that their original lives spelled out for them... but when I discovered the Internet, I began shackling them to THOSE paths too. Essentially I was overriding their own choices for as long as they were in headspace. I don't know how I never realized it before.
We were so wild and free in the old days BECAUSE we didn't give a damn about rules or restrictions! We weren't SUPPOSED to!! We were DREAMERS by our very nature, by our very ESSENCE, and we reveled in it. We walked in and out of so many dreamverses-- Yugioh, Sonic, Pokemon, Digimon, Sailor Moon, TMM-- everything and anything that we thought was cool and wanted to dream ourselves into, to try living, even for only a little while. And we had FUN.
But that's also what *incidents* were born from, those dramatic and bloody validations of love we all endured. That's where we got our Soul Wings, our colors, our symbols, our cores. And that's what WALDORF was tied to, too! She LOVED those other worlds, and the fact that EVERYONE was able to reach into them, to take pieces of them into their own souls... she was the manifestation of that, for God's sake. That's what her role meant. That's what a Muse IS.
...
And then, one day, I somehow decided that we couldn't do that anymore.
I "grew up." I stopped dreaming. I felt I had to "play by the rules."
They didn't start drifting away because they didn't want to be around, you idiot, they started drifting away because YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM STAY.
God, this really IS my fault. I am so sorry.
I keep trying to shove them into boxes. Didn't Laurie warn me about that, countless times? I'm not supposed to label things, or restrict things, or forbid things from growing or dreaming or living. And yet that's exactly what I'm doing.
Knife was right. No wonder he hated me. I really am the reason why we're such a mess.
If I didn't think like this, if I didn't compartmentalize and break off everything I didn't feel "allowed" to do or think or feel, there wouldn't be 50 entire people trying to exist in one body right now.

I've heard rumors, here and there, that the Tar isn't our biggest enemy, at least not alone.
In light of Infinitii's existence, people are wondering why no one talks about White energy.
What if the White energy was just as corrupted as the Black, they say, and we just didn't know about it? What if, just like the Tar, there was a being made of clotted, sick, toxic whiteness, infecting all those it touched like a virus or a plague?
People are wondering. The people downstairs are really wondering. The people underground are pointing fingers.
But I'm not saying anything, because at heart, I know what they're all thinking, fearing, dreading. I know, and I'm just as terrified.

I know how the Tar was born. I know. I've heard that story countless times.
It would be just as easy, just as straightforward, to create a similar entity from any other color.
I've done my research. I've read our archives from cover to cover.
And at the end of it all I can only come to one conclusion.

If there is a corruption of the White, some paradoxical being, made of evil purity...
...I'm afraid it would be me.



She knows a good thing now
With our own cost and all can hear the word
In my head and in my thoughts
In my head and in my thoughts

We spend the whole days all
We're feeling more apart
And we know you can do more

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

I know this journey's soon
The color of lights and our lives become as you

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

 

 

 

 
Okay, last night feels like it was traumatic but Laurie keeps telling me not to think about it, just stay present. She looks terribly tired though.
...I keep having to stop and just smile whenever Death shows up in the Sandman comics I'm reading (I just started "Season of Mists") because there are many panels where she reminds me so much of Laurie. It's something about her face shape (especially her Greek nose, good example here), and her shock of hair, when it's shorter of course. And of course the kohl helps immensely. Point is I see a lot of her in Death, and a lot of Death in her. Fitting, really.
I just... I feel awful. Remember back in 2009, where she was always so angry, and would only get near me to swing an axe into my face? She wouldn't talk to anyone else, she kept leagues of secrets, and now... now, she's so compassionate, she gets along with everyone, she's honest even when it hurts her. She even cries, even in the same room as other people. She's an entirely different person than she was when this all started, as am I... but she feels more like herself than ever, now. (It's because all those extra inner walls are down, she says, for good.)
I have a fleeting "observer" memory from last night, just a snapshot, of her talking to Chaos about something, both of them obviously distraught... but Chaos actually put a hand on her arm to comfort her, and she wasn't hiding her concern. Do you realize how much we've grown in the past two years alone? That's proof. It's incredible.
Genesis was right, though. Yes, all the suffering and agony has been cruelly worth it, in bringing us all closer together, in breaking our hearts of stone. But as we are now, these brighter and softer things, we all wish the shadows would just stop, so we can live together in joy... but they won't. Maybe that's the point. They get stronger as we get stronger, remember. Maybe all of this is a testament to the love we hold. Maybe that's why Infi is here now. I hope so.
It's definitely a better way of looking at it.

"The stronger a man is, the more gentle he can afford to be."
Elbert Hubbard. Just found that on TVTropes and I like it in light of the previous paragraph, so there it is.

I don't think Razor has eyes anymore. I saw her either last night or this morning, when Laurie and I had ventured down to the Tar room (which has been disturbingly empty lately; it's just a vacant white room. I have theories on this but we'll get to that) to try and get a better idea as to what was going on with all her triggers. As soon as we entered, there she was, actively mutilating a corpse across the room from us. She was holding two x-acto knives with huge blades that were covered in fresh blood, and Jess was standing above the wrecked corpse, looking down at it with a blank expression (she'd probably screamed until this happened, then stopped. that seems to be a recurring thing; at least razor is taking it inside now if we manage to suppress her). Razor was laughing in that horrible maniacal way of hers, like a bloody rake being dragged in spasms across a pane of glass. She heard us enter and turned around, smiling insanely, then got up and just walked over to us, knives dripping. Immediately I realized that she now had these huge X-shaped gashes instead of eyes, not even sockets beneath them. It was seriously disturbing. I don't know how or why it happened, either.
I also don't know how that encounter ended. All I know is that Laurie got me out of there pretty quickly.

My dream last night was one of those awful interim-floating ones, the plotless wandering ones that feel painted in faded brown paint and chimney smoke. I don't like them.
I may have said this before, but boss informed me that those dreams only occur when I'm too "tangled up in my own shadows." Then he can't do anything about the nightmares, as they are springing from an inside source, and nothing outside that he can actively prevent or eliminate.
I'm just so, so thankful I haven't had any hack nightmares in a while. I haven't been so lucky downstairs, even though I don't remember them... thankfully.

On a brighter note, thank you last.fm, I just discovered this guy on the radio and he is AMAZING. WHOA. How does he not have more listeners??
I am absolutely addicted to "Kick Drum High Hat" and "Turn Out" right now. This guy's style is brilliant.


Putting all that aside for now, though, the main reason why I'm updating today is to smother you all in Photobucket links.
To begin, here's the sketch of Chaos I drew on the 2nd... completely unedited, as I need to be honest too. For now, I think that picture speaks for itself.
Yesterday I drew Infinitii in a similar manner, here, as he felt really emotional last night and I was getting the overflow as usual (apparently he and I have permanent links of that sort). I NEED to dedicate an entire entry to both him and Chaos sometime soon, in light of personal energy... I know what I'm talking about, so just remind me if I forget. I have about 40 solid minutes of audio notes from early this year for the same purpose, and I never got the opportunity to type it up thanks the Celebi fallout. I need to do so soon, but now isn't the time.

Now, let's get right into the big stuff.
Remember how, here, I mentioned that Kyanos (who is, sadly, now unmanifested; perhaps it was not meant to be) wrote his name on a piece of scrap paper, shortly after being "created?" Well, here it is. Weird, huh? Even weirder would be that "half a page" he ghostwrote. That occurred about two hours after the incident that triggered "Mulberry Delta's" appearance, something he was apparently aware of. This is what he wrote:
"today we got in a car accident kinda/ we forgot how to turn the whele and we scratched sombody (jewel is helping me spell :) ) but were ok the policeman was nice and we didnt go to jale, but some lady calle"
It ends there. Here's the actual page.
You'll notice my commentary in the bottom left: my grandmother walked in the room and he immediately went into "standby," that telltale reaction of most disembodied voices whenever they are suddenly faced with social interaction. When she left the room he was gone, and I was left staring at this paper with total shock. I had been vaguely aware that someone was writing as it occurred-- but upstairs, as a detached consciousness. That's what Kyanos meant by "Jewel's helping me;" I was acting as a sort of knowledge bank for him there, gently pushing the right info into his mind when I was aware of it being needed.
There are two points about this letter that catch my attention: one, he says "we forgot how to turn the whele [sic]". We weren't the ones driving the car. He was taking his awareness of the event from a false memory. Second, I know for a fact (as his consciousness was jolted as he as writing it) that the "lady" he was about to introduce was Mulberry. He probably learned of her from the same memories he had access to, but I'm honestly interested into whatever he was going to say. Oh well; it's not like we can ask him now.
Also, yes, when I came back the pencil was in my left hand. That's new!

Now, let's segue into the less-than-friendly ghostwriting. I briefly mentioned the "sugar-induced" voice's brutal message in that same entry, which I also have scanned in.
The first page read:
"F**K YOU!! youre not my boss!!!! F**K YOU FAGGOT!!"
The second page read:
"I will make you BLEED B***H! you think you can CONTROL ME BUT youre WRONG"
You can see the actual papers here and here. That message was directed specifically towards me, as I had practically forced her to write on that occasion (unwisely), wanting proof that yes, someone else-- someone violent and dangerous-- was driving. It worked, as you can see. Looking back on how things work underground, I believe that Jess is the one that started writing the entry (she's the one that likes to shout insults like that), but the second page-- the threat of bodily harm-- was definitely Razor. That's textbook behavior for those two, and it's quite a feat to have it caught on paper.
However, Razor got her revenge on me for that stunt. She got it bad.
On April 30th, immediately after hacking several more gashes into us, she actually walked over to our new journal of her own volition, and with pure spite and malice, actually wrote her next message in BLOOD. All it said was "DIE," three times. If you aren't disturbed by the sight of blood-painted messages, you can see it here.
Yeah. So that wasn't fun.

Now, on the 2nd, I also mentioned that Laurie had suddenly written something in a tablet of mine, which I will get to in a moment. First, let me remind you of this entry. When we got home, Julie actually took a pink marker and decided to write her name on the tag of that brassiere, as even further proof of her existence. However she had no idea how to write. So she grabbed a piece of paper from my desk and asked me to help her figure out how to translate her energy into handwriting. Thanks to using marker the pages are a bit blurry, but this is the first one (practicing her signature), this is the second (more), and this is the third (trying the entire alphabet). I remember looking at them later and smiling; it was kind of adorable to see. Her energy translates directly into huge loops and swirls, but it's hard to write that way, and she has expressed frustration over it. We'll get to that too.
Let's talk about Laurie now. As you may be aware, she's the first headvoice to ever "ghostwrite" anything: she had a whole conversation with Melody back in SLC, which I have transcribed here. I've also scanned in the first page of it . Now remember, not only was this Laurie's first time channeling so directly, but she was ALSO fighting several mental blocks, and
On that note, let's go back to the 2nd. I have NO idea how or when it happened, but apparently, it started with three pages scrawled by an unknown voice (possibly Jess though) in the front of the same notebook I made Razor write in: here, here, and here. Then, suddenly, I was the one driving, but instead of seeing those pages, I was looking down at an angry sentence by Laurie, on the top of a blank page.
We spoke for FIVE PAGES-- one,two,three, four, and five. I won't transcribe them here as it'd take up too much room, but they're very important. I'd advice you read them before reading the rest of this paragraph.
All right, first off, you'll notice the sudden switch in my writing on page 2. When my grandmother walked in, IMMEDIATELY that "scared little boy" voice was triggered, and you can see his handwriting in line nine. It's obviously not Kyanos-- if Kyanos is indeed the kid who wrote the post-accident paper-- but it DOES strike me as very similar to the original "Kyanos" name paper. Maybe he fractured? It's a thought.
Secondly, you'll notice Julie showed up. Her handwriting really hasn't changed at its core, but at the beginning of page 3 she does state that she "can't get the letters to do what she wanted." I can attest to this-- one of the only things I was aware of during her time there was a sense of acute frustration at not being able to write "how she was feeling." Laurie said she was "slipping," which may likely have been true, as headspace energy in general was pretty much a mess at the time.
The last three pages basically discuss what I've already stated in this and previous entries, so I won't reiterate it here. However, this is when I came to realize those points, so that's significant.


Last but definitely not least, I drew up clearer versions of the three headspace "maps" I'm aware of-- and I also realized that they're more of headspace flowcharts than anything. That is because of a very important distinction: these maps are NOT graphs of how headspace is structured in space, at all. On the contrary, these maps simply seem to illustrate the way energy flows between slots, on a metaphysical level. HOWEVER, there IS a room somewhere in headspace that contains nothing but a floor setup in the shape of the current flowchart, with each circle or square (you'll see) translating into a small platform, each measuring about two feet around and three inches high? They are illuminated at all times, with held slots shining brightly and emitting beams straight up to the ceiling, while empty slots barely even glow and do not emit beams at all. Anyway that room was first accessible after November 9th of last year, when I suddenly comprehended the reality of the flowchart during a hospital visit. I talk about that monumental day here, as not only did we first access that room then, BUT it was also the morning that Nathaniel stabilized as Green, AND Julie was freed from her suicide gambit from the 1st (something I never got to type up and really should try to, in retrospect; there's a small mention of it here in any case). Anyway, that's what it's a map of, but the actual pictures should be seen as flowcharts instead. So, on that note, let me link you to them!
The first chart was drawn on November 9th, reflecting the flow as of that very morning. I've spoken about this setup in the past, but let me reiterate it here, as I don't know how much truth is in old entries (most of it was immediate conjecture from what I recall).
First, you'll see that this old chart is set up in an arch. As the top-left panel shows, energy flow could start at either Red or Violet, and would travel the arch to the other. It was a one-way flow. What's important is that solid line below Red and Violet-- that was originally a DIVISION between the main headvoices and Spine/ Razor/ Xenophon/ Julie, effectively cutting them off from the rest of the System in a key way: in the old flowchart, their slots didn't technically exist. We were limited to 7 colors, and theirs were the mutated slots. We'll get back to that in a minute.
As for the other lines... those illustrate energetic relationships more than anything. First, you'll see a tangle of them branching out of Black and White. This is what they mean, one by one:
"Shoved into; broke balance" lines connecting Black-Pink and White-Red: Julie was forcibly overloaded with Black energy in my youth, corrupting the entire slot. On the same note, I would force my own slot full of White energy before I was ready for it, which we think is what caused me to splinter so madly over the years. In any case this mutual overload threw off the System energy balance.
"Color balance" lines between Black-Violet and Pink-White: I'm not sure, but I think this was meant to illustrate how the White slot was trying to balance the immense amount of Black in Julie's slot by linking itself to it; unfortunately it didn't stick. Likewise, I think the Black branching out to Violet was the System's attempt to balance out the RED slot's overload of White (Red and Violet are linked slots). The reason why the Black didn't choose to branch out to the Red itself is because of the Black influence it had from Julie anyway. This could also explain why I thought Laurie was in league with Julie on some level, when I met her.
"Imbalance/bleedover?" lines between Red->Blood and Pink->Lavender: ties into both the previous overload and balance points. The Pink slot bled off most of the extra White (from the previous point) into Xenophon's slot, while the Red slot bled off most of the extra Black into Razor's slot. Since Black was still entirely corrupted at this time, and White was empty but pure, you can see the effect this bleedover had on those two individuals.
Wavy lines between Lavender->Red and Blood->Pink: shows how the Lavender slot was eventually "tied" to Red (when Xenophon was born I still held that slot), and Julie was equally tied to the Blood slot (Razor was manifested as a direct result of old Julie hacks).
"Creation link" lines between Black-Blood and White-Lavender: directly related to the previous point.
Black & white triangles in color slots: illustrated the tentative "Black/White" affinity in the system. Jewel, Josephina, Leon, and Julie were all linked to Black, and had dark sides that needed to be kept in check, as well as a susceptibility to corruption. Spine, Lynne, Waldorf, and Laurie were all linked to White, with all of them acting more as "protectors," with no dark sides to speak of (ironically, in Laurie's case, as she was nevertheless a "dark knight"). Nathaniel did NOT hold an affinity as he was supposed to be the balancing force to the other System members, a very heavy role.
Dotted line between Red/Violet and the rest of the system: showed that both Jewel and Laurie held unique and inherently linked functions in the system, operating differently from other headvoices.
Dotted line between the left and right sides of the system: divided the System into a greater Black/White affiliation, as well as a warm/cold color division. The exact extent of the B/W influence is unknown, but it may have had a stronger affect on the midslots on each side than the main slots, as the B/W flow technically hit a very strong buffer after the mutant slots. In any case, Nathaniel's true position directly on this line may help explain why he died so many times-- the old position of that slot was VERY unstable as a result.
That's it for this chart... however there are a few underlying points in this that I elaborated on in another chart, which I will show you next.

The second chart was drawn that same day (110912), except it is a theoretical chart, illustrating the possible flow of headspace upon ITS stabilization, when Laurie first manifested in 2006. The most notable differences between this chart and later ones are obvious: the entire upper half is basically empty, AND there's an "extra slot" in the very center, which was technically the only thing that existed in the System prior to at least 2003.
I'm going to be brief and clear in explaining this one.
Extra wavy slot for Jewel in the center: pre-System. Jewel was the "focal point" that it all sprang from.
"Anchor" and "Favor" lines from the Origin slot to Red and Violet: as a child I quickly anchored into Red as a personal slot, BUT prior to that I had STRONGLY favored Violet. Therefore all the anchoring potential went to that side of the System first: not only did Julie show up over there, but Laurie and Waldorf were the first "headvoices."
"Potential" labels on Red and Violet: the result of the previous point. These two slots were the first to fully anchor into the Central System.
"Persona" line from the Origin slot to Brown: any constructed downstairs personae/masks were sent to this slot, instead of affecting the actual Red slot, hence "Jess" being locked there.
The "Julie Potential" lines: shows where her energy came from. Since Julie was technically a created introject, she held a "mutated slot." Jewel, the Red holder and sole System member at the time, had to break her potential off of the Red energy as a result. This energy moved down to Brown as a necessary step before moving into Black, where it was consciously overloaded with corrupted energy. Moving it in the flow direction passed it through White, changing the energy color to Pink, which anchored in the very next slot. This movement of potential may also explain why both Razor and Jess were tied to Julie in the past.
"Bleedover?" arrow from Pink->Violet: possible corruption influence from Julie on the Violet slot prior to Laurie's manifestation, as she would have had to send her energy through it to create the splinter locks anyway.
Locks in the Green, Blue, and Indigo slots: shows "splinter lockages" in the past, thanks to the Tar breaking off parts of Julie in order to prevent other headvoices from manifesting on her side, as potential was favored there. You'll recognize those names if you've known us long enough.
"Kicked" arrow next to Waldorf in the Blue slot: related to the splinter lockage. Waldorf manifested back in 2003, but she didn't anchor (there was no system to anchor TO, yet), so when the splinters began showing up they easily shoved her out for the next several years.
6 numbered lines from the Origin slot to all midspaces: showed the dates and positions of all midspacer anchorings. Since potential favored cool colors at the time, this caused the first three successes (Ryou, Marik, and Chaos) to anchor onto that side. The warm side was not so lucky, as lack of energy there (and the instability of Red) caused most Links to fail. Genesis' anchor was a result of his slot's equal distance between the current three midspacers causing a sort of "balancing effect."
Jeepers that's a lot of text. But that's it for those, thank goodness. Hopefully that's all at least interesting to read, and not just overwhelming jargon!
Now we get to the current stuff though, which is VERY interesting.

The third and final chart is one I've been refining for several weeks now, and the one you're looking at was drawn today, reflecting what flow directions I can currently perceive or speculate upon. You'll notice that it's VERY different from the previous two-- apparently it RESET after the Scratch in February, just like everything else. However that is significant because the Scratch is what instigated my being jolted out of the Red slot and into White, so the update was apparently sorely needed anyway. Go figure, universe.
Anyway, you can clearly see why the mutant slots are so confusing right now; they are COMPLETELY cut off from the normal flow. However, the midspacers at those points (Chaos and whoever Cerise will eventually be) may be the key in moving them into the system, maybe acting as channels or something? We'll see.
You can also see that there are some tentative flow sections here: Green/Aqua/Blue and Pink/Cerise/Red are tied to the mutant slots, and Purple/Violet/Lavender and Amber/Yellow/Lime hold their own unique areas. The Vermilion/Orange and Navy/Indigo pairs MAY be linked, I don't know. Like I said, this is ALL CONJECTURE at the moment, and I will have to take a day to energetically "reach out" and try to feel for whether or not these connections actually exist.
I do find it interesting that the current distinctions, with respect to the B/W octahedron, seem to be forming a sort of taijitu within the System. See it? (Indigo and Orange are at the Yin/Yang head curves, respectively.) Also, take note that B/W are pointing at Julie and Nathaniel, respectively (and Nat is no longer split in half by the Gray line). I wonder what that means...
Speaking of taijitus, I need to thank the universe for a bit of picture synchronicity that just happened. I was going through my Photobucket and I stumbled across this screenshot from January 13th. I... I wonder if energy can move like that in headspace, somehow. In any case it's worth consideration. The little reminders like this always happen for a reason.

Lastly I have no idea what's going on in the Black slot right now, since technically both Infinitii and the Tar are in it. However, let's backtrack ALL the way back in this entry to when Laurie and I visited Razor. Remember how I mentioned that the Tar room has been disturbingly empty lately? We think we know why.
The Tar is hiding. It is actually terrified of Infinitii, as he can literally eat the Tar alive if he so wished. Since he currently lives in a bubble that I wear at all times upstairs, the Tar has been staying far away from me... at least, in its normal state it is. You'll remember I've been mentioning hacks as of late? Not the "tar hacks" from last year, which only suffocated me, not eviscerated me... no, I'm getting old-style hacks, the hellish kind. We thought those stopped when Julie joined us and Celebi died, but no, they've been continuing despite all common sense... and that's what we're beginning to wonder about.
Before I get into that, let me say that, looking back on entries over the past year or so, I've found some very interesting points about the Tar. First, remember that the Tar appeared to us in November of 2011, but it doesn't get much attention in updates until November of 2012, when "Jezebel" showed up... and which is ALSO when Razor AND Jess returned! I find that utterly bizarre, but it may simply be a result of the "shaken soda bottle" effect both school and SLC had on me: for most of that year, headspace was effectively on pause, and was being pressurized. When I suddenly found myself completely free of obligations in November, it EXPLODED. Those three returning with a vengeance was simply the result of leaving the Tar to its own devices for so long, I suppose. Here's the notes though:
- During Marik's 3rd *incident* (100912), DX told us that "Tar energy IS corruption energy but solidified." Notice he didn't say BLACK energy... and you know how that man's omissions are just as important as his spoken words.
- On 101612, Xilats said that the Tar "was wearing a white mask of some sort." That alone speaks for itself quite well! Later, I wrote that "Tar is basically an amalgamation of devoured corruption, and the more it eats, the bigger it gets." This is true, but it's also what Infinitii does. Speaking of Infi, Xilats also postulated then that "maybe if we get all that stuff out of Tar (if that's even possible), it would become small and timid? And it wouldn't bother us anymore." Go figure, right?
- Giving this one a point of its own... Xilats's biggest concern then was for me "to make sure [the Tar] doesn't become cancerous, but I told him I was afraid it already had (we had all the symptoms)." I don't know how this applies to us now. Perhaps it explains the splinter resurgence, what with the cancer-like overproduction...
- 112212 had a lot of info. First is this: "Since the Tar is very dense and heavy, it deals with the physical. So when it becomes overloaded, it swamps and suffocates everything else-- but it gets US [Julie/Spine/Jewel] first. And apparently, one of the easiest, quickest ways to stuff Tar full of density is to eat." Technically, the Tar doesn't need to move through those slots when it "expands" anymore, according to the new flowchart, and Spine moved out of her old body-empath position this year... but if Jess has one foolproof trigger, it's food. So I'm wondering how the new tentative flow of Brown/Red/Mauve being moved into a mutant position has affected things. Also, remember that Infi told me that Black energy is specifically sugary-- thick, dense, and deceivingly sweet. So the fact that chocolate is not only a lingering Tar trigger but also Julie's favorite food may be worth considering (both Hyde and Mika had relevant song lyrics concerning this too).
- 092412, Celebi's bizarre "triple *incident*", has this line: "celebi became a witch, very tarry, monstrous, kind of like perfect chaos. lots of eyes, insectoid." Now who does that remind you of? There's also this: "i 'died' momentarily, reached some sort of black interim where her spirit was, she reassured me it would be okay"... AND THIS: "lotus crystal from heart (soul gem, also psm ref), once mirrored celebi held it, i had to shoot an arrow through both, somehow reset the cathedral to crystal and then reformed it? heart healing." That is almost EXACTLY what happened in the Scratch. Honestly this whole entry is just solid proof that whatever light was in Celebi was actually Infinitii, pre-manifestation.
- Last December, Jezebel (remember her?) and Jessica used to fight ALL the time. I find this interesting, as Razor was never around when that happened, and now Razor and Jess work together, with Jezebel nowhere in sight. But looking back, Jezebel, in general, acted a LOT like our current Jess back then, especially here: "she was literally just spitting out 'stock phrases,' i.e. automatic reactions. Her words were disturbingly harsh and negative, but it was all primal and blind. She kept screaming and flailing about too". And, on 112212, I said that Jezebel "was my "offset" before JULIE even came into existence, although she was completely unformed as well. But her energy existed, that's what counts." So now, I think I can say with certainty that the old Jezebel (who DISAPPEARED shortly before the Scratch and has never returned) is now actually our current Jess. Makes perfect sense to me.
- Back on November 24th, the Tar spoke to me. At that time, it spoke like Infinitii does, AND I didn't feel threatened by it. EVERYTHING it said in that energy is noteworthy, but this is what I want to focus on now: "Tar said Jezebel is ITS splinter... it elaborated that this was the nature of the phenomenon: splinters spring from broken selves, whether consciously or unconsciously...the Tar's (and Julie's by extension) were conscious... Jezebel is simply an unhindered, self-aware piece of the Tar's own consciousness that it breaks off (notice the tense) in order to do its work more efficiently: Tar itself works as a "devil on the shoulder" sort of thing, while Jezebel has always struck me as an offset to me, an active personification of Tar energy". In light of Jezebel obviously resetting post-Scratch, and her energy turning into Jess, who is now working with Razor (who is ALSO technically part of the Tar, and Jess/Jezebel seemed to spring from HER, in light of how she acted upon her rediscovery) in a way shockingly similar to their behavior on 021012, you may be getting an idea of what we think is going on.

To conclude... we think that the Tar is just as splintered as I am right now.
It's hiding. That we know for sure. But it's not just hiding because of Infi-- it's hiding because of what we think it's DOING. The Scratch changed a lot of things, most notably the balance of power within the system. The Tar was no longer in charge. It began slipping as I began ascending, and once Easter hit and I moved into White for good, Infinitii was born, and the Tar knew the jig was up.
What's weird, though, is that my splintering is unconscious (Black), while the Tar's is conscious (White). Perhaps that's its advantage here; it's very form and behavior are hopelessly unpredictable, due to being made of a condensed overload of Black energy, so it NEEDS to splinter itself in order to function in any reliable way? Whereas it's just the opposite for me. Hmm.
As for what it's doing, that should make it obvious: the Tar can ONLY function THROUGH OTHERS. It's why it used Julie for years, but was nowhere near as much as a threat to us by itself. Razor and Jess are more dangerous than it or Julie ever were on their own... and it hid in all of them, surreptitiously, lethally.
We think it's hiding in Julie again.
She's been slipping majorly, here and there, and she's been an emotional mess on and off for a LONG time now... specifically, since about last November. Sound familiar?
I think some of the Tar stuck to her, when she came back... she was losing her color in February, remember. True, she's shown a TON of improvement post-Scratch, but that doesn't mean things haven't been boiling beneath the surface... especially since Julie's the one putting the most effort into therapy, believe it or not. The Tar doesn't like that, and we know it.
I refuse to let it hurt her again, though. It's hurt her enough, more than anyone should be hurt, and I will not stand for it attempting to do so again.
But that's where the old-style hacks are almost definitely coming from. I've been getting waking nightmares again, and some nights I'm too afraid to sleep, because... well, to be blunt, it's because old style hacks are basically the metaphysical equivalent of rape. Down to the letter.
So yeah. I'd really, really like for them to stop, since my memory is in shreds again from the many nights and mornings I've had to tear out and put God knows where for the sake of my own sanity.

I'm just afraid that I'm responsible for this whole mess, for having made that adflixerunt journal (immediately after regaining my post-Scratch footing, too) to act as a "focus" for Tar energy when things got bad. They got really bad, and I began to suspect they were using that an excuse to do so, so I shut it down... and suddenly their loudness tripled, offline.
As I said earlier, though, maybe I shouldn't be worrying as much as I am, at least not in this sense. I can't change the past now, even if I tried-- I'm done with trying to cut time to ribbons.
No, now I need to focus on my virtue challenge of Hope, and I know with absolute certainty that everything happens for a reason, whether we see it at the time or not. Every single one of these dark days is working towards the light in some secret way. My daughter is living proof of that. Infinitii is, too. Heck, we all are at this point!
Love conquers all, this I have not forgotten. Love is the only thing that the Tar cannot ever win against.
And mark my words, no matter how dark things seem to get, in the end that divine fact will be shown to be absolutely, undeniably true.

...Reviewing all these archives, I'm feeling very strange. Good strange, though. It's a glowy, "new day dawning" sort of sparkle that I haven't felt in a very long time (and of course, having had Amusium's music on loop for the past two hours has helped too). Looking back on all we've been through together, how much we have learned, how much we have grown... I was so out of tune with this for so long, and of course I actually forgot a great deal of it after the Scratch. I can't believe how much I've missed this. I can see what Genesis means.
...I am so in love with everyone in headspace right now. Everyone. They're all beautiful individuals and I am honored beyond words that I'm sharing my life with each and every one of them.
We're going to start those boxes, soon. I'm trying to get a job, for their sake. I just finished reading First Person Plural and I swear it changed my life... hearing the story of another system that suffered through hell and still got through it, together, was moving beyond words.

All right, now this journal has been nothing but an avalanche of data, and it's already after 2AM so I think it's time to call it quits. (Also, yes, there really are 6000 words in this entry. Aranea would be proud.)


Let me end it on the brightest note possible. It's something you may not expect.

Today, in church, I realized why my White self has a rainbow halo.
It's the lights of the Spectrum, shining and divine, around my head.
I noticed that the Red light was just as bright as the rest.
I reached into it.
And I saw redemption.

The lost ones will be brought home.




When you've been hurt so many times it's enough to make you blind
To anything that feels like true happiness
Nobody wants to be the foolish one but after all is said and done
You constantly settle for less
It's like a broken carousel, it just goes round & round & round
But now it's time you admit you've lost ground
Hear that sound?

The truth is sweet
Just like a baby's kiss, the truth is sweet

Go on admit it, you know you want it to be true
Go on admit it, you say you don't but you know you do
Go on admit it, you've been disguising what you feel
You could be living in a fantasy
But then that fantasy could turn out to be real

Sweet and true like my love for you

And everybody in the world's gonna wake up some day
Singing love is the answer, love is the answer
What's left to say?


 

 
 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE JULIE ENANTIOS GENESIS APOLYMIS CHAOS ZERO




All right, let's get this show on the road.

Oh thank God. Took you long enough, congratulations.

Yeah, sorry, things are all over the place. By the way I apologize if it takes a little while to get this started-- I scheduled a chat session for this evening with another plural system friend, so as soon as I finish talking to them I'll let you know. I really am sorry about that but I'm trying to be reliable and life has just been incredibly hectic lately.

So I've noticed. Which is why we're here today.

Actually we're here today mostly because life has also been absolutely freaking incredible.

Tell me about it. And on that note, let's bring miss miniskirt back in here.

I do have a name, you know.

No kidding, I'm unfortunately more than used to hearing it for all the wrong reasons.

Hey, no fighting, you two.

I'm not fighting, just stating a fact.

...Fine.

Chill out, Julie. I'm not holding any animosity against you anymore.

I think that's a good place to start-- uh, actually, after we get another two people in here...

Already?

Yeah, I've been talking to Genesis all day and he says that he really wants to be a part of this conversation. The poor guy's been out of the loop lately, which is bad as he is an absolutely indispensable member of our system here.

So is Chaos.

My point exactly. And Chaos could definitely use some civil conversation with Julie for once in his life. Times have changed, drastically, and although I don't want to force anyone to jump into this headfirst we can't go on living the way we used to. That's a simple fact too.

No kidding. I think that applies most strongly to Julie though.

...I suppose so.

Really, our readers are probably flipping out because the last time she was in here, this happened, and that's obviously not what's going on now.

Thank God.

Do you want me to start talking, then?

Almost. Give me a few seconds...

Helloooo~!

Hi Genesis.

Where in the world is Chaos?

You can't find him?

I think maybe he's preoccupied-- oh, nevermind.

Sorry, I didn't think we were talking already.

We are. Sit down, buddy, this is going to be a long one.

So I've heard.

Jewel what are we discussing first?

The Julie situation. That needs to be clarified and thoroughly explained before we can even think of tackling the more recent concerns.

Oh, okay. I'll wait and listen then.

Julie, do you want to talk about this yourself and have me comment on it, or what?

I'll talk. I'll say my piece and then you can say whatever you want.

Okay. Just remember you're the major focus here, so.

Geez, Jewel, no pressure.

It's the truth though.

I know, I know. Where do you want me to start?

Uh... August... August 18th? Geez, I didn't think it had already been a month for you, Julie!

Obviously it has been.

Julie, what the heck is your problem? Why the icepick attitude?

I don't want to think about this.

...I'm sorry. But we have to. If you want me to talk I will.

No, I should be the one saying this. I... should I just say exactly what happened?

Sure, anyone who's reading this should have a general understanding of the events in my life, so don't censor yourself or worry that someone won't know what terms you're using. Just talk about what happened to you recently.

All right. I've... been using Jewel for most of his life, I'll admit this, but during July and August I was starting to have a sort of... existential crisis? With how Jewel was changing and refusing to even let me near him anymore, I couldn't use him for my own ends, and was quickly running out of options. I was miserable, then. I needed my shallow pleasures to feel happy even for a moment. But I was wrong, too.

I kept telling you that.

I didn't believe you. Self-gratification was all I knew. It was what I ran on. For you to constantly refuse to let me get what I wanted, or do what I felt like, was unthinkable to me. I hated you. I hated you more than I could stand. And it was all because you wouldn't let me use you to get those things.

Because they were wrong to pursue. They were fleeting and shallow and corrupted, and although I didn't realize it until this year, you were seeking something other than selfish gratification through them.

What do you mean?

We'll get to that, once Julie finishes. It ties into what happened on the 18th.

Yeah, let me go back to that.

No, not yet. I don't think you finished explaining what led up to it, with me.

Oh. Okay. Jewel started to stand up to me this year. In situations where he would have previously let me get away with things out of fear, he was now refusing to be manipulated at all and even threw me out once. That had never happened before, not once in all the time I've been here.

That little incident was discussed in this entry, by the way.

That was also when you were hacking me in dreams, Julie, and using my splinters to strengthen your hacking methods.

That was a very bad move.

Quite the opposite, I think.

Well, now I can see that. But when it happened it was... traumatic.

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Remember that Jewel was also trying really bloody hard to get you to 'turn your life around' during that time, despite how sadistically you were hurting him.

He was. At first I refused to even acknowledge him, like I said. I felt he had nothing worthwhile to say as he held none of my motives or interests. It wasn't until it became almost impossible to hack him that I began to wonder if he had a point. I was still miserable even after I managed to accomplish a hack, and the work just didn't seem to be worth it. And Jewel just kept getting happier, despite my efforts. So I started to listen to him, but...

But he was telling you that you had to stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Yeah. He told me that I had to stop being so selfish and single-minded, to the point where I was completely able and willing to hurt others to get what I wanted. I didn't want to stop.

Because you didn't understand.

I didn't. And then my selfish ways came back to torment me for it, I guess.

Go on.

...On August 18th, I hacked Jewel. But it wasn't me. The splinters had decided to use me.

Really??

Yes, really. ...I didn't think it was a problem at first. I figured I'd still get what I wanted, but I was wrong. With how Jewel had been talking to me lately about my motives, and how he had been rising so far above what he once was, especially with June 29th, I was losing what little pleasure I had left in what I used him for. It was no longer worth it. It felt just as stupid and empty and mechanical as he had been insisting it was for so long. It made me angry at first, which is why I didn't listen to him when he told me to change, but it kept getting worse and then I got scared. If I couldn't get that anymore, how would I cope with it? How would I live? I needed my 'fix,' but now it seemed impossible to get. I was starting to really wonder if Jewel was right, if I would really die if I kept living like that, but--

Elaborate on that dying thing a little more. That's important.

...I'm a 'shadow.' Or I used to be. I was born from all the negativity and selfish instincts that Jewel rejected in his childhood. It was all I ever knew, it was my reason for existing, it was my nature. I was almost like a disease to him. I know you all considered me something like that for a while.

Yeah, we didn't think you had a mind of your own at all. We figured you were just this conglomeration of vicious evil that could only be killed, not converted. But Jewel wouldn't give up on you, despite that.

I admit that kind of inspired me after a while. It's why I began to lose my drive. He just wouldn't give up and I couldn't figure out why. You let me hack you on June 25th, by your own free will, because you were trying to get me to see what I was doing wrong. It didn't work, but... I don't think the effort was lost.

And that's where August 18th comes back in.

Yeah. I had been manipulating the splinters to weaken Jewel so I could hack him without him noticing, but I guess doing so made the splinters latch onto that themselves. On the 18th they used me to hack Jewel, but both he and I didn't realize that I had been used until after it happened. Jewel didn't even know until I told him the next morning, and by then I had made up my mind.

Julie, you keep skipping the bleeding point. Tell them why that hack turned you around.

Because it forced me to feel exactly what I had been doing to Jewel for the past 5 years straight.

Jewel, you called that the "pholph principle?"

Yeah, I did. That's because there's this webcomic by the name of Jack, hosted at pholph.com, and one of the characters is sort of an embodiment of Lust. He is damned to Hell but could get out and return to reality to commit atrocities again, if not for one little detail-- Lucifer told him that, if he ever did return to the world of the living, it would be as a female.

And he'd understand exactly what he did to all the women he hurt in his past lifetime.

Exactly. And he is terrified of that possibility so he avoids it and refuses to think about it... but Julie here was thrown into that understanding against her will. You had no empathy until that happened, I don't think.

I didn't. It wasn't something I could comprehend, let alone feel.

So the splinters hacked you for once, you realized just how much pain you had been putting Jewel through for so many years--

And me.

...Shoot, I forgot she was targeting you for a while.

I'm sorry.

Wow, I never expected to hear that.

It's true. That's why I'm here right now. I was so freaking sorry once I felt that for myself. I got nothing from it and yet the splinters didn't care. They only saw me as an object to manipulate to get what they wanted. It was exactly what I did. At first I was furious that they had used me but then I realized that I would have done the same thing in their position. And the realization that I was like that, that I was such a cold-hearted thing, was too much. It made me sick, and I decided that if I had to choose between either giving that up and trying something different, which was horribly loathsome to me at the time, or continuing to live as a selfish bitch and getting nothing from it but that dull empty rage, and that constant feeling of never being happy or complete or even peaceful... then I would give it up. It made me sick, and I guess at first it was still a selfish decision between dying and living, but some part of me still knew that living meant I could no longer be uncaring about others and still decided to give that a try. So I am sorry.

And your apology is accepted.

Thank you.

So Julie here is no longer a shadow. I guess now she's actually an anti-shadow, if anything, because you've actually been trying very hard to keep me from getting hacked by the ego lately.

Oh, wait, hold up.

What?

That. You didn't mention that. Just because Julie is now on our side after practically 15 freaking years doesn't mean that we're home free. The ego is still after us.

Yeah, about that. I have a theory. Julie, I think the ego-- that soulless, empty drive of primal impulses and selfish wants-- is the real demon here and always has been. I think that is what I was really aware of as a child. I knew that part of me that society had begun to form in me WASN'T me. I knew that I wasn't so dark and cruel and separated from everything, and knowing that such a thing was in me terrified me... so I cut out as much of it as I could, tossed it off to the side, and went on with my life. Or so I thought.

Because then I was born from it.

Not just that. Yes, you were born from the dark parts in me I refused to take in, but an ego doesn't die so easily. I had, in fact, only split it in half. And we each were tormented by a different half. And I didn't even realize that I was in hell until it was almost too late.

Whoa whoa whoa, back the heck up. What is this?

Something I just figured out within the past few days, with all the spiritual research I've been doing, and Julie's metanoia. We didn't think it was possible for her to turn her life around, and yet she did. Which means that whatever we thought was soulless in her wasn't her. We discussed that in this entry by the way.

We've discussed this a heck of a lot in the past.

And with good reason.

Finally he speaks!

Hey, I'm listening! I don't have anything to contribute right now, so don't yell at me.

I know, just couldn't resist bugging you.

But about the ego thing. It didn't die when I was a kid, and it didn't leave me alone either, although I was fooled into thinking it had. But now I know why... because as a kid, I identified with it. Right up until I was about 12, 13 years old, I was acutely aware of a severe disconnect between who I was and who I was acting as. My inner me, the deeper me, was buried far below the outer me, which was a construct I had consciously put together. And yet I told myself it was me, no matter how much I secretly hated it. When I hit 2003 or so, and I met 'my three'... Ryman, Markus and Chaos... well, I began to tune in to who I truly was. But I didn't start actively trying to be that person until 2008. Once again, I'm sure everyone knows about that fiasco and what followed it.

No kidding, that was insane.

So that was my problem. And it's why I was always miserable and borderline suicidal, even. I was at the ego's mercy, and it didn't care about me. It only wanted to survive, but it wanted to survive on its own terms. It was constantly fearful, angry, judgmental and overwhelmingly selfish. It made me unable to work or relax or even be happy with life in general... when I thought I was happy it faded within minutes. It was always shallow, never lasting. Julie, I daresay that's exactly what you went through on some level?

...I guess so.

And that is because you got the other half of it, the more pain-driven half, whereas I got the fear-driven half. Now we've both overcome it, and it is literally the last enemy we will ever have to face.

What about the splinters? Or do they count as the ego?

They are part of it. Which is intriguing. Fragment was a corrupted form of coping with the ego, of 'turning everything off' and feeling nothing, but ironically doing so made it part of the ego. That's because it was manipulative and cold and uncaring, acting for self-preservation alone. Thanatos, though, was a death drive that wanted to kill everything, even itself. And that is part of the ego in its selfishness and violence, true, but by its very nature it was some sort of kickback to itself. It sought relief from the ego, escape from that constant violence, through violence and unconsciousness. It was torturing itself by simply existing, and so it tried to escape through shallow pursuits and false pleasures, which dulled awareness and caused me to 'slip below thought' and not even know what was happening to me, and invariably caused a Thanatos meltdown whenever they occurred. That ties into Julie's hacks too. The ego hates itself. And although that is terribly sad, that is the nature of such a dark thing. It's not an individual, it's a drive, so it can't be changed. It can only be overcome. Which, by the way, I have started to do.

Seriously now?

Yeah. Since Julie switched sides I haven't been 'attacked' mentally by either of the splinters, and I didn't see much of them at all for a few weeks prior to that either. I'm still getting straight-up ego hacks here and there, but now I recognize those as shallow compulsions so as long as I'm aware, I can avoid them easily. It's a piece of cake compared to Julie, actually.

But you said both splinters were parts of the ego.

They were. I just referred to them as 'pseudo-individuals,' as their own separate drives, because I was identifying with them. But now that I no longer let that happen, I think they've died off, so to speak.

So it's just the ego itself.

Yes. And that I still need to fight. But that's a whole other topic and it's not something I'm worried about discussing here, as I'm having no severe problems with it. Also I deeply apologize for rambling about this, because I feel like I got really far off topic.

Not quite. You were discussing how Julie held half of the ego but you had the other half.

Oh yeah. So my half was the one that I 'projected' for years. It was a personality I cultivated and tried very hard to identify with, but never really felt 'real' with, for obvious reasons. It started to die around 2006 and it took me several years to 'recover' from that, as I actually felt I had lost my identity for quite some time. Little did I know I had only lost a fake one. A few 'replacement' ones sprang up between then and now but I've dealt with them all. As for Julie, she had the same identity problem, I think, especially with the 'thanatos' aspect of constantly seeking distraction from herself, but never feeling fulfilled. Julie?

It... makes sense, I suppose.

I mean it explains why you were able to change at all, too, without losing who you were underneath all that.

Yeah. It's a huge relief, actually. Like I said on Facebook, I've never really felt... happy before.

Do you feel happy now?

Kind of. I did on the 19th. I'm at least not plagued by that neverending misery anymore.

Well I'm here to help you adjust to your new life, as are the rest of us. We're all in this together and now you're part of it, and frankly I've been looking forward to this for a very, very long time.

Told you the kid doesn't ever give up on people.

Tell me about it.

Jewel what's our next topic??

Uh, let me check the list. By the way Laurie, Genesis and I made a list of the topics we needed to discuss here while we were on campus today. So that's why he's all excited over this.

I was wondering about that. It's kind of adorable.

Aaand I FINALLY got all these chat windows closed. I swear, as soon as I talk to one person everyone else jumps in.

Well you're never online, so..

Because instant messaging is very difficult for me. No visual cues, no auditory cues. It's almost impossible for me to communicate accurately. But once again that's off-topic. Next on the list... oh.

What?

I, uh... hold on, let's skip that one for now. We talked about Julie's metanoia, we figured out that she was being used by the ego-- Julie, you do agree on that, right? Because I am really concerned about that.

Well you were just saying how I always had the compulsion to seek self-gratification, and that the ego does that by nature, I guess. And now with what you've taught me I no longer feel that.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that. We got you to see my side of the picture too, with how I was trying to tell you that you were using... that... in the wrong way?

The 'pink color?'

Yeah.

Geez, Jewel, you still hate talking about that.

I can talk about if necessary, but it's incredibly awkward and confusing because I have no way to really understand how it applies to most of the population. But I'm very thankful I managed to help Julie get her facts straight there.

Because you laid it out clearly for me, and I had the proof from how you had changed by living that way. I mean I couldn't hack you. And then you ruined that for me. So you were obviously doing something effective.

He listened to me is what he did.

Yeah, June 29th would likely have been catastrophic if Laurie hadn't helped me through it.

The catastrophic part was thanks to you, pigtails.

I'm aware of that, unfortunately.

But we're all understanding of how Julie's situation has changed for the better?

Yeah. It's pretty straightforward once you know the major reasons behind it.

Now what was that topic you skipped, Jewel?

Is that what you posted on my Facebook by any chance?

...Yeah. Pretty much.

He posted a huge paragraph on my wall asking why I had hurt him in the past. And I told you, it was because I had those drives and urges and I was willing to go to whatever lengths I had to for them.

But were you even aware of what you were doing?? For heaven's sake, Julie, you killed Natalie because she was in your way! You killed her, a little girl, in cold blood because she was keeping you from manipulating me for your own ends! Why?

...You just said why.

But you murdered her.

I know.

Was that just another compulsion for you, huh?

...Basically.

Geez, Julie...

I'm sorry. Okay? I am sorry that Natalie's dead. But I can't change that now.

Then you were definitely being used, just as much as you used me. The only times I have ever been so unaware as to commit such atrocities are when Thanatos would take over. I felt nothing, I didn't care. But that was because I wasn't present. I, Jewel Lightraye, was not there whenever it took over. And when it had had enough, or something else chased it out, and I came back, I would be horrified and frightened beyond words of how 'I' had acted because of it. That had to be what was happening with you.

Would you kill me now if I stood in your way?

...In my way of what? I don't want any of that anymore.

But would you try to kill me if I was in your way?

...

Julie. Answer the question.

...No.

And why wouldn't you?

It wouldn't solve anything.

But would you care?

...I guess. Yeah. It would hurt Jewel, and I'm tired of hurting people.

Then you have developed a sense of empathy after all, holy swords. Congratulations.

There's... there's one thing that's still scaring me. A lot.

What is it?

...Laurie, do you remember last summer?

Yeah.

Do you remember that one night you practically lost your mind? That caused this conversation?

...Unfortunately.

...What was that?

I don't know. Maybe it was the ego getting at me, who the heck knows. I went temporarily insane and couldn't think straight. Sounds like your February Thanatos drive to me.

You flipped out because I was being 'too selfish.' You attacked me, brutally, for a solid hour because you said I was destroying my life and the lives of those around me.

Because you were letting your ego use you. You WERE being selfish and shallow. And with... with what we found out that summer, I guess it drove me to the breaking point and I just snapped that night. We discussed this back in October, Jewel.

...But you don't know what caused that night directly.

Besides the gut-wrenching emotional trauma I was in? Besides the fact that you didn't even realize what you were allowing to happen? I unhinged, is what happened. Whatever happened after that I don't bloody know, if you're asking whether it was the ego or a splinter or what. It could have been. But I refuse to let that happen again, especially after... especially now that I've found my metainomen, let's put it that way.

Yeah. I didn't think you would.

So why the heck did you bring that up?

Because it sounded exactly like my Thanatos hacks, for one, as you said. You were not acting like yourself at all. You were blinded by it. Literally, too.

I know, and I told you, we discussed all of that that. This topic has been discussed and concluded, Jewel.

...

You're hiding something.

I am.

Jewel, ask her about it.

...I don't know. This hurts, a lot, to ask. More than I can handle.

Spit it out, kid, I'll handle it with you.

...

He's scared.

I can clearly tell, he's been putting this off for way too bloody long. He does this all the freakin' time and seriously Jewel, this is one bad habit you still need to quit.

I don't want to ask this question without making sure I understand what's behind it.

What do you mean?

It's about last summer. I... you figured everything out long before I did, back then. And I just... Julie, did you know you were killing my children?

...

Did you f*cking know?

Jewel, watch it. What the heck is going on here?

I was afraid to ask this because it is absolutely horrific for me to even think about. You said that in July of last year, you wondered if Julie was trying to accomplish something besides just using me to get what she wanted physically. And then you realized that my Links had been failing for quite some time now. You assumed that was her direct fault. It wasn't. That was the ego working with both her and I and completely blocking my ability to see or feel or do anything with the children I already had. But that was only one part of the equation, and you understood it wrong. We all understood it wrong. When Julie started seriously hacking me, when I was about sixteen-- I think, I don't remember and don't want to dwell on it-- something in me started to die. I know that. Every hack did carry death. She started hacking my children and I want to know why. I couldn't fix my Links and I was afraid of using the ones I had because of her and I want to know if she even realized just how deeply she was slicing my heart open because Julie, I am sorry but that was f*cking demonic.

Jewel, watch your bloody mouth!!

...I'm sorry. I'm... slipping. I shouldn't be. Genesis, talk me down, man.

Do it for her.

...

Jewel?

I apologize. I fell entirely off-center there and I should have been more careful. See, this is how I've still been getting hacked here and there. I'm fire at heart, after all. Sometimes I burn myself if I'm not paying attention. I am very, very sorry for that. Julie, please answer my question while I take a minute or two to just calm down over here. Please.

...I wasn't using your children. Not literally. You remember how I used to split myself into other personalities? Like Missy and Bridget? That's what I did, to pretend to be them. I knew that would hurt you, and... well, when you wouldn't let me use you for what I wanted, or when you fought me and made me angrier or ruined what I was trying to achieve, that hatred I felt got stronger. And it got to the point where I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill you, but I couldn't, because then I knew I'd be without my... my means to an end. So I....

You started killing him from the inside out.

...Basically. But I never touched any of them, not even once.

Yes you did. You hacked Lilianne.

I... when?

The pink fox girl. You hacked her.

I... did I?

You did. Maybe you weren't conscious of it. But earlier this year, before those hacks stopped altogether, some of them were telling me that they were having nightmares, or disturbing vibes, that they couldn't explain. And then one night you apparently 'pretended' to be Lilianne and she felt it.

...

Genesis goes without saying. It took me a very, very long time to forgive you for that, and knowing me that is quite shocking.

Jewel you're still out of it.

I know. I need to fix myself fast or there's no way I can finish this conversation, and I need to do that or I'm going to have some serious emotional backlash. I'm trying hard, I promise.

Jewel, can I...?

...What?

Is there anything I can do?

...

Honestly, I think just being there works pretty darn well.

Well yeah, but... it scares me when this happens. Lately I haven't been taking these slips well...

I am so, so sorry about that, Chaos.

Jewel, it's not entirely your fault. We don't get to spend time together until it's late, and by that time you've basically worked yourself to death.

But it hurts you when I can't... stay there. When I'm unstable. I think I'm managing to center again, I just felt my heartlight go on.

Not the pain you're talking about? From this morning?

No, love, that's different. Very similar, but different. I mean that I felt very displaced over this current topic, to the point where it was allowing me to unhinge. But... well, as Laurie said, being around Chaos is just... it's impossible for me to be false or broken or wrong when I'm with him, in any sense.

...

It's true. You're my other half, and I love you.

...Jewel, I don't know what to say in response to that. Not in words, at least.

You're going to have to wait on that, sharkbug. Sorry, but I am getting really bloody impatient about this conversation concerning what I've been told about it by the batmantis there.

I know. Sorry for spiking the emotional atmosphere there, Chaos, but it was kind of inevitable with what I feel like right now.

At least you feel like you again. Last year, you were just... you were lost. For a long time you were very badly lost. And that hurt.

It did. I can only hope I've made up for that with what I've accomplished this year.

Geez, kid, you've made up for the past twenty years of pain with what you've accomplished in the space of five months already. Now seriously, Julie, stop holding us the heck up and give us an answer to that question.

...What was the question?

You hurt Lilianne, quite literally. You hacked me through pretending to be her and she felt it, and it terrified her. A few others had similar experiences but none were as vivid as hers. So I'm asking you, were you aware of doing that to them? Or were you just acting blindly?

I... I don't know. I told you I did the pretending thing. I won't deny that. But I swear I never went after them directly.

What about the dream hacks?

I stopped those when your boss punched me.

Not worth it after the Sandman stepped in, huh?

No. It wasn't worth the effort it took, especially since I was starting to lose the thrill of it by that time.

But you pulled off some really bloody brazen dream hacks. I can remind you which one merited that punch, if you've forgotten.

...No, I remember that one.

Why did you do it?

Because I was trying to manipulate you. And I was trying to hurt you as much as possible. At that time I was actively trying to twist your morals. But it was all desperate, with me just trying to survive by continuing to do what I had done over the past several years.

But you swear you never touched any one of my kids directly.

I swear. If there was emotional bleed-over from you I didn't even consider it. I didn't care about that.

...All right.

And this ties into last summer how, besides the obvious general topic?

I wanted to know if Julie was actively trying to hurt or kill them.

I was.

But to get at me.

Yeah.

You didn't... you didn't have any motives beyond that? At any time?

No, it was just using and hurting you.

Were there ever times where you weren't... I don't know, in control of your actions? Or when you were acting automatically or... like a Thanatos hack, but however that would apply to you. Did you ever have something like that?

I don't know. I acted very blindly most of the time, like when I used to attack you if you came near me without my knowing. It was all very instinctual. And I told you before, I don't even remember most of my lifetime because I would kind of... 'blank out' if I couldn't get at you, or do anything, so I wouldn't have to deal with the interim. Like when you used to have me locked up. I could only satisfy so much of my wants by myself. That's why I started the mind scenarios, and those eventually turned into hacks, and those worsened until they reached the breaking point for you.

But it was like a kneejerk drive most of the time.

Yeah. It was just something I needed to have, or do. And I just did things without even thinking, sometimes, as long as I got what I wanted. But I was never happy. It would wear off and I'd do it again and again. That's one thing I don't miss at all about this new life.

I don't blame you.

Jewel, what the heck are you trying to figure out here?

It's like I said earlier, and like you said in October. Every time she hacked me, some part of me died. And those parts were what allowed me to create. That is what caused the total Link fallout. I was in so much pain, and I was so mangled inside, that it was impossible for me to work creatively from how much agony it caused me. That's what I mean when I say it was the ego working. It drove her to be completely instinctual and selfish in her motives, and caused me to suffocate in my pain and fear. Those are both aspects of the ego. But Julie was not actively cutting my Links. That was an aftereffect. Am I right in saying that, Julie?

I didn't even know what your Links were, really, until recently. I knew you had connections to other worlds but that's why I was masquerading as people from them. I wanted to destroy that, yes, but I didn't do it directly because I didn't know there was any way to do so.

Thank God.

And why did you hack Genesis?

...I knew that would hurt you.

...

It did. It really did.

I'm sorry.

Julie, do you even mean all these "I'm sorry"s?

Yes. I do. I'm just tired of thinking about how I used to act, now that I really understand the extent of my actions.

That's understandable.

One last question on this topic. Is that why you tried to kill Xenophon?

Who is that?

The... the fragile little creature I found on March 13th. The "strange child." On March 24th, you nearly murdered hir. It shook me to the core. We barely saved hir life, Julie. I was so completely distraught that I couldn't even heal hir myself. And you're saying that your sole motivation for ALL of that was simply to emotionally kill me?

...Why else would I have done it? I told you, I hated you.

So you killed Natalie and traumatized Lilianne and nearly eviscerated Xenophon because you were trying to destroy me.

Look, Jewel, I don't know how else to explain this to you. I hated you. Do you understand what that means?

...Unfortunately, yes.

Then you should understand why all of those major events had the same single motivation.

Holy swords, Julie, am I ever glad you switched sides. Wow.

I was a bitch. I was an irredeemable bitch, and what I did can never be erased or repaired. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me.

But I did. Laurie couldn't believe it, but I did. I knew how utterly deranged you were simply because you had such a one-track mind. And I pitied you for it. Yes, you hurt me so badly I thought I'd never recover. I can't forget what you did even if I did forgive it. I am scarred for life, Julie, literally and figuratively. I had blood on my hands and I have graves in my bones because of you. And despite all that I couldn't hate you because I saw how lost you were and I knew you had never felt love or happiness and so help me but that is tragic. I couldn't hate you because it's not in my heart to hate. I wanted to save you from the atrocity you had become. And now, all those years of suffering have paid off.

...Thank you.

You are entirely welcome. Thank you for actually managing to be open enough to listen to me, even if it took several years for my words to finally get through.

Several years and a bitter mouthful of my own bad medicine.

No kidding. This chick basically had herself doomed by her own deserts.

I don't want her suffering anymore though. She's lived her hell. I've lived mine. I want to leave that in the past where it belongs and deal with what we have now. It's like you always tell me, Laurie-- the past is over and done with, and the future never comes. Stop freaking out over things you have no control over, and just deal with life as it comes.

Yeah, that's the gist of it. That and stay true to who you are.

Heehee, Jewel we were just talking about this today.

We were. That's because it's the absolute truth. And speaking of staying true, Chaos, you are being terribly quiet.

Just trying to deal with the tidal wave you set off in me a few paragraphs ago.

Oh.

I'll be okay.

I, um... it... does it hurt? You're not going under or anything, are you?

No, no. I mean yeah, it hurts a little bit. But it's nothing I can't handle.

Jewel...

I know, I know.

Seriously, the heck are you two up to?

Things.

I told you, he wrote this list with me. So he wants me to... uh... actually get to the last topic.

Wait, is this what you've been telling me about? The big thing?

The big thing, yes.

Holy swords. What time is it? Do we have time for this?

It's five minutes to midnight and frankly I do not care if I'm up until 4AM with this. I can sacrifice that. There is no way in heaven I can put off this conversation for another second.

Then let's get started for heaven's sake.

Wait, wait. Julie, I am terribly sorry if I caused you any serious pain by discussing everything we did today. And I sincerely apologize for my outbursts concerning that. It just... well, it hurt badly.

I know it did. It's okay. I can deal with it.

But really, you aren't a shadow anymore. I want you to have a brighter role in this system. You're the Thief of Death now, remember? Do you know what that means?

Not exactly. What is that, the metainomen thing?

Yes. Because your past self died, Julie. You are free from that, forever, as long as you live in the now, with what you've been given. You have a second chance at life. And you are the Thief of Death because for years you were a harbinger of it, taking life from others, something that was blind to the light in itself and those you hurt... but now, now through rising above what you were, you steal death away. You have freed yourself and us from that death by that transcendence. You said you only really listened to me because you didn't want to die, but you forgot to mention one little thing... I told you that, no matter what option you chose, you would have to die. But I also told you that death wasn't something to be feared if you viewed it the right way. If you had stayed a shadow and lived in fear and hatred, you would have died to life itself. You would have gradually become more and more lost and empty, seeking gratification where it could not be found, looking for freedom and completion outside yourself. You were twisted and manic and blind, and you were dead inside because of it. But you didn't want to die, in spite of that. Do you know why?

I just... didn't want to die.

But you weren't happy with your life at that time, were you?

I was never happy with it.

Because you were living death. That is what hell is, to be blind and unaware of your brightness, of all light. But darkness cannot see light. And I knew that your lost self, the shadow you were, would have to die in order for you to live. That shadow part of you was the vice you were born from. It was the ego-driven body of pain that had overtaken you, as mine had overtaken me in the past. But it wasn't you, even if you thought it was. The fact that you're standing here before me is proof of that. I told you that that false self would have to die and you rejected that, as you still felt it was you... but then the 18th happened, and you became acutely aware that something was wrong, that some part of you was not that shadow, that you deserved better than that in a true sense. But you had to be better first. So you came to me and I told you it would be difficult. It would be hard for you to leave that behind entirely, for that old self to die, for you to realize that you were greater than that. But if you did, you would have an entirely new life, free of those shackles and pain. You would be able to live without that awful compulsion and misery. You would be happy.

...I still can't believe I deserve that.

You do. Everyone does. I won't let you pull the same thing I used to do, which Laurie and Chaos and Genesis all yelled at me about, when I insisted I didn't deserve my blessings. The part of you that 'doesn't deserve that' is dead. It is in the past, it is not who you are now. You, as our Thief of Death, are uniquely qualified to rise above what you were. And the best part is you already have, in being what you are now. This is your second chance, and don't get hung up on whether or not you can accept it. Be grateful for it anyway, and live it. You'll realize that the real you deserves every single good thing I'm willing to give you here. You said you're sick and tired of using people, and being used? That is over, for good. You said you want to live for a reason other than hedonistic survival? Here's your new reason, to live for this new chance, for light and hope. This is you, trying again. Don't forget how happy you were in the first few days after you joined us here. That's the truth of this. Just because you screwed up terribly in the past doesn't mean you can't find salvation now. All you need to do is accept that it's here, now.

...I will do my best to, Jewel. T-thank you.

That's our Seer of Love being bloody incredible as always.

Is it just me or is he the reason every one of us has found their metainomen so far?

Nope, it's him. He's the star.

I'm the Sandman's Apprentice is what I am, and actually part of that role is learning to be who I am, instead of acting like I used to under ego influence. Seriously, I'm learning so much from that. But we're off topic again.

Just a little bit. We didn't start this 'huge' topic because you're the only one who freaking knows what it is, and you got carried away in your inspirational speech to the Good Thief over there.

She needed it, I think.

I did. I really did.

Well Julie, if you want to stick around for this next crazy topic then feel free. But it's going to get crazy.

I... don't know. What is it about?

Laurie. And me. And Chaos.

That's still rather vague.

It's supposed to be. I've been incredibly fragile emotionally for about three weeks now, in one way or another, with what I've found out. And that is thanks to you, Laurie, actually.

Me? The heck did I do?

You got me thinking. I had an absolutely groundbreaking realization around August 21st, and although that in and of itself was enough to inspire me ineffably, your incessant fangirling made it even worse.

Heheh.

So yeah, after spending four solid days researching and typing, you made me start it up again, slowly. I started with more spiritual work and research, keeping myself as grounded in those truths as possible with all the pain around me. But coincidences started falling together around that time, and synchronicity was everywhere. I swear I don't think I spent a single night with you, Chaos, without the clock hitting triple digits, especially 11:11.

Yeah, that was happening so often it was almost unbelievable.

True, but there it was. And in light of the 21st, having so many things revolve around us was really starting to make me wonder. Was there something else I was supposed to learn from this?

What did you learn on the 21st?

Several things, actually...

Mostly, that Jewel and I are literally cosmically inseparable.

Yeah, I apparently missed a huge sign on July 7th, and when I understood what it meant it was mind-blowing. That's all written about here, as it's far too convoluted to even briefly mention.

What was the huge sign?

Uh... basically, a sort of divine sign that Chaos Zero is my 'twin flame'. He is quite literally my other half.

And you're mine.

Exactly. It's beautiful, really, and I kept getting all these coincidences that all ultimately pointed to that both before and after I realized it. Personally I think one of the best parts of it is that my mother is aware of that truth for Chaos and I and is actually supportive of it. Which is absolutely freaking incredible.

That explains why no one in your life has ever freaked out at the notion of you two being in a relationship, as hard as that was for you to accept at first.

Oh geez, yeah. And this was everywhere-- both online and offline, with friends and strangers alike. No one ever said "hey that is unnatural" or anything like that, despite my constant paranoia that they would. Seriously, back around 2005 I was plagued by the horrible notion that being in love with a nonhuman was wrong somehow, even if every answered prayer or sign I got spoke to the exact opposite of that.

Freakin' 2005? I thought it was later than that?

It lingered for a very long time, especially when I was having identity problems myself. But now I just say, "I'm in love, and love is the truest thing there is," and don't let doubt even touch me anymore. Long story short, what I've been blessed with is incomparably awesome, and it has been the brightest thing I've ever experienced. And yes, Julie, that is why you could no longer hack me as this summer went on. CZ and I just got too deeply involved.

You two were flat-out untouchable. Heck, you still are, even moreso than before!

I think that's my biggest regret about hacking you, is sabotaging that.

Really?

Yeah. When you read that paper to me back in August, and you explained why I had been going about my wants in the wrong way, I began to understood just what I had been trying to undermine. Sure I had only wanted to hurt you when I did it. I never thought of the aftereffects, or the deeper effects. But now I can see what I almost did, and I am so sorry for that.

Don't give me 'almost did,' you couldn't tear these two apart if you tried.

And she did try.

Exactly. Cosmically inseparable means just that. You two are joined at the hip, man.

Oh that was a perfectly timed reference, Laurie.

Heheh, told you I'm getting good at this.

Okay, before we get too tangential, I just want to mention that Laurie is no longer being so crazy secretive which is incredible as I freaking adore her, and also it's allowing us to have some absolutely inspirational conversations instead of hitting a wall because she 'doesn't want to open up just yet.'

Yeah, ironically I'm just beginning to speak my own truths now.

How is that ironic?

She's our Knight of Truth. She brings it out in everyone else and is brutally honest, but although she upholds the truth she never said a word about her own until now. So there's that paradoxicality again, which seems to always go with metainomenai in some way. Plus, Laurie, if you don't mind my saying, I think in the past you used to blind yourself to certain truths. Especially when it came to me.

Give me an example.

Uh, well, that unhinged night comes to mind again, but I think the most striking example would be everything concerning our moirallegiance.

Oh, well of course, from what I learned in that conversation. I wasn't intentionally blinding myself though, or at least not consciously.

I know. But that's how it is ironic with respect to your title, and why I am so glad you're opening up to us now.

You would be, heheh.

Jewel we have things to discuss!!

I was wondering why you weren't talking.

I wasn't talking because I am the only one staying on topic. But Laurie is next on the list so we kind of got back to it anyway.

Oh thank heaven I want to know what the heck you found out about me.

Uh, I don't know if I can... say that yet. It's, um... convoluted.

What the heck, Jewel. You've been stringing me along for days here with this already.

I know, and I'm sorry, but there's a certain way I have to bring up these topics or I'll accidentally confuse everyone to death.

Or you'll slip like you did with me!!

Wow, yeah. Despite what a total failure that was on my part, it was the best possible outcome I could think of for telling you.

Heehee. It was. I was all "oh my gosh!!" and you were freaking out like "uh yeah I wasn't supposed to tell you that yet!!"

No, first you actually made me stop walking across campus because you shouted "WHAT??"

WHAT OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.

That was basically it, yeah! But oh man that was hilariously perfect. I still can't get over how you actually wouldn't let me keep walking because you were so stunned.

Jewel. You dropped an absolute humdinger of a revelation on me. I couldn't not stop.

Pffff! Genesis we should not be laughing about this, man.

But it was funny! Funny and crazy awesome and oh my gosh we need to talk about this.

I have no bleeding idea what you two are talking about.

That is my point! Jewel the next topic says exactly, "Laurie's origin." She wants to know.

Oh man how do I even begin to talk about this...

All right, let me say something. How many of these topics tie together?

All of them.

All of them?

For serious. That's why it's so staggering. ALL of this ties together, completely.

So where the heck do you start?

Tell her Jewel, tell her tell her tell her.

Tell her what?

What you told me oh my gosh. You need to tell them.

Genesis, what in the world has you so excited?

Something awesome and crazy.

Yeah, you're actually the reason why I've been putting off talking about this, Chaos.

Me? Why?

Because, um... your reaction to this is the most important. I mean, yeah, we're all involved in this, but the single most important thing that I found out deals with you.

Oh for the love of-- how the heck much did you find out??

I found out one thing. Well, I suspected it, rather. And the thinking and reading and worrying about it worked me into an actual emotional mess. Not negatively, no, but... it turned my world upside down. I'm not even joking.

Holy swords. And this is about Chaos?

Partly, yeah. I just... I don't know how to say this. Because geez, I thought I knew this already with what we've been going through and talking about, but... well, apparently adding one small detail and some agreeing outside perspectives makes a heck of a huge difference.

He asked a few people about this who had been in similar situations.

Yeah. And they, um, pretty much verified my suspicions. So that calmed me down on the nervous bit, Laurie, but now I'm just freaking out because I have to tell you guys and oh man.

Tell us what?

...

Do you want me to tell them.

No, geez sweetheart, I really have to take this seriously.

I know, but unless you badly slip up again it'll probably take you forever to say it.

Knowing Jewel and how he tends to procrastinate when he's scared or freaking out over things? Yeah, we'll be here for another three weeks.

I can't keep this quiet anymore though. I mean it's only been like, a little over a week since I had this central realization and that is already far too long to keep it bottled up.

It doesn't sound like it's a bad thing.

It isn't. I'm just freaking out because it's... it's such a significant thing.

All right, let's put it this way. You don't want to say this 'central realization' yet, so at least tell us what branches off from it.

Well, there's where we think you actually came from, how, and what you are, for one.

...What, you seriously figured that out?

Yeah. You know, let me start there, because the other three points tie into the central point directly. Uh... Chaos, you're listening, right?

Yeah, of course. I'm just a little concerned about this.

Concerned how?

That it's... that it apparently "turned your world upside down," and it involves me. And you haven't told me yet.

I know. I'm really sorry that I haven't, but I wanted to make absolutely sure that this was even possible before I so much as hinted at it. And insanely enough, it's apparently possible.

The part about Chaos?

And about you. It all ties together. But as I was saying, you know how a while back, we were trying to figure out if you were a walk-in or something, because you just showed up in that dream without so much as a notice or explanation? And all the other headvoices up here are personifications of some sort, as far as we can tell?

Yeah.

There was a notice. There was a very big notice, so to speak, and the fact that I completely overlooked it for the past 5 years is ridiculous. Then again, I didn't think it tied in to this topic until about two days ago. And admittedly that's the main reason why I've been freaking out, because I understood it wrong, but after asking several people about it I managed to get my facts straight and now everything makes sense...

All right, Jewel. Seriously. It's 1 in the morning, you're starting to slip channels, and I really want to know what the blood all this is about. Spit it out. What the heck am I?

...You're you, really. You're not a headvoice personification. You didn't come into being because there was a psychological setup that allowed you to form, like Julie, or even like Leon. You came into being because there was a huge shift in my life that I could not possibly get through in my current condition, especially not without guidance. You came into being on your own, as an individual, because I needed someone like you-- no, I needed you in my life... and so did Chaos.

What?

We both needed you whether we realized it or not. You know what my life was like when I was 16, Laurie. If I didn't have you there with me I honestly doubt I would have survived. Actually, I figured this out from those discussions too. This is part of what I said about you... "she was DEFINITELY needed in our lives when she showed up. I'm just very concerned at the events that surrounded and led up to her dream debut, especially since she claims to have no memory whatsoever of existing prior to that date." And the reply I got was that you were apparently a unique entity that was brought into our lives because we all needed each other, pretty much.

...Holy swords. Yeah, that... hold up, what events led up to that dream?

Uh, I don't think I should post that online. I'll discuss it with you afterwards. But does that make sense to you?

Geez, yes. It makes perfect sense to me. So... that was really the first day of my life, then?

Possibly. I know I was always concerned about your memory issues there, how it didn't go any farther back.

Yeah, that was it.

So, um, I have one last question for you if you don't have any comments on that.

No comments except I want to know what the heck led you to realizing all of this.

That's... that's the next thing I'm going to say.

You need to hurry up and say it Jewel, because everyone is going to flip out.

I will. Just... Laurie, when you met me in that dream, did you know who I was?

...Vaguely? I mean I knew I had a role surrounding you somehow. And I wanted to protect you more than anything when I found out what the heck was going on in your head.

But remember you hated me at first.

Because of how you were acting. You know, at heart I  don't think I ever really hated you. I hated what I saw you had let yourself become.

So is that why you picked up my superego role? You just felt you had to do that?

Basically. I had this drive that it was my purpose to watch over you and keep you safe. It was always there.

Well I seriously needed it, I'll tell you that much.

No kidding.

Especially because of me.

Yeah, that's seriously bleeding why. So in some twisted way I guess I have you to thank for my work ethic, heh. I mean, geez.

Uh, you're welcome?

Oh dude, that reminds me, I have to revisit that topic again... shoot, I really didn't want to think about that.

About what?

We'll get to that. Uh... the awareness that we were in a dream, Laurie, was that just there too?

Guess so. It was just obvious to me that it was that sort of reality.

...Can I quote something from a really old conversation of ours? Something that you said?

Sure, go ahead.

"...I've told you why I'm here; I'm here to protect you, and I'm not doing that because it's my job or anything. I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care. I met you in that dream and I saved you from that hell because I knew you were a good person and I still do, no matter how many mistakes you make and how many times you lose. You always try, even if you don't succeed, and you care far too much for your own good. It ticks me off when you put yourself down every time I try to drag you back up, and I know my methods aren't the best but God knows they work, and that's what matters to me. I don't want to lose you either, all right? I'm your favorite headvoice, and so help me but I'm going to live up to that title if it kills me. "

...That's all true, you know. It never changed.

Well, besides the part about it being a job.

No, I meant a 'job' in the paycheck sense here. When I say it now I mean it's like my life career. Protecting you is what I want to do with my life. So that is exactly what I'm saying here, in different words.

But you see the real problem in there, Laurie. You're not a headvoice.

No, I guess I'm not.

So that changes the second line. "I'm here because I'm part of you, but I stayed here because I care." Right? Or not?

I...

Did you understand what you were saying then, Laurie? What the truth of this really is? Yeah, we thought you were a headvoice, but that thought didn't change a single thing that had happened, and ironically it didn't change the ultimate truth of that statement.

Jewel, what the blood are you saying.

Something happened around the time you showed up in my life that was... it was the only reason you were able to come into my life. And no, you may not be 'part of me' in the headvoice sense, or even a direct sense at all... but there is an undeniable truth that part of the light in me is part of the light in you, and... and I needed you, more than I could ever know. So there you were. And you stayed.

...Jewel, what did you find out?

The big revelation?

Yeah. Tell us, please.

I have to tell Chaos. Specifically.

Then tell him.

...All right, uh, Chaos?

Yeah?

Seriously, this is huge. I guess I have Laurie to blame in part for this too, because like I said, she's the only reason I realized it. Which is hilarious because in a way I think we both suspected this but, like I said, uh, there was no way to know for sure, until the coincidence wave and all the work I've been doing in trying to figure this out came together. Laurie, can you help stabilize me or something? I am really nervous and I don't want to start slipping because it's early in the morning on top of that.

I'll do what I can.

Thank you. Um...

Jewel, is it really that hard for you to say?

Yeah. Yeah it is. Only because it's so unusual and significant.

Slip up, Jewel. Just offhandedly mention it.

I can't do that, Genesis.

Then think of what I said earlier!

...

Jewel?

...Chaos, you know how... all right, I apologize if this seems like a really weird analogy, but you know how I've always felt such a strong connection to the Nier videogame? How I just kind of... resonate with it?

Yeah.

Uh... I am... I am actually more like Nier than I ever thought possible. But that's only half of this and the other half of it is why I'm having trouble and I really just need to say it.

Jewel, calm the heck down, and say it.

...Chaos, Xenophon is ours.

...You're kidding.

No. I am most definitely not kidding.

...Holy bleeding hearts.

Yeah, Laurie, you were right. And also what kind of an exclamation--

A good one. The only possible response to what I just heard.

I... how?

I spoke to several people online, who are part of a community for those like me who have spiritual relationships. Apparently it's not unheard of for those in these relationships to have spiritual children. However, the vast majority of those relationships were still very typical, especially in terms of how the children came about. The community had never heard of a case like ours, but after filling in the admins on our situation I was told that, yes, apparently it's possible, and... hold on, I really want to quote what she said to me.

Please do, we all need to hear this.

Okay, this was her exact reply, about Xenophon: "I would not consider the child you describe (Xenophon) as an adoption -- seems like a union of you two, somehow, though I lack any way of explaining it myself." See apparently it's not impossible for guys to have spiritual kids. So Braeden was actually spot on in calling me Gaia, but that's... actually that is extremely relevant to this situation, oh my gosh. But the group wasn't familiar with entities just 'showing up' as the result of a spiritual union, and they had never heard of anything like Xenophon, where they actually showed up in an embryonic state because there was no way for them to be carried of course. So yeah, long story short, we're both fathers, I freaking love you, and I hope that's not too much info at once but I think it's amazing and I am seriously thankful that this happened.

...That... wow. I... how did...?

January 16th, apparently. "If I'm ever blue." That was the first time in a long time, at least two years, that we had actually connected spiritually... and although it wasn't as insane as, say, August 16th, there was so much purpose behind it, and I cannot deny that.

Oh my gosh.

I told you!!

I bloody knew it. That's incredible.

Jewel, we... I think we need to talk about this by ourselves.

Why?

No, I'm not upset or anything, I swear. I'm just... yeah, when you said it turned your life upside down you apparently weren't kidding.

In a good way?

In the best way.

Wow.

So you understand why I absolutely flipped out over the fact that you actually tried to kill my spiritual daughter/son back in March.

...Yeah. Yeah, I didn't... I had no idea he was yours.

I didn't either, but... well, now we know.

Jewel I don't know whether to freaking stand here in abject shock or hug you to death.

Well I am definitely for the latter as you've never done that before and I would not mind at all.

...Wait. Wait wait wait. Jewel, you said this tied into Laurie's situation...?

Yeah. That's why I was freaking out at first. See, Laurie, you showed up almost exactly 36 weeks after Chaos and I got 'married' in 2005. And, uh... I actually had physical symptoms when I was 16. That was probably because it was our initial complete connection and that is extremely significant. But no, you are not our kid, which would be insane. Like I said, you truly showed up as a unique entity brought into our lives through that initial energy connection. Which is actually incredible.

...Yeah, I... it really is. Wow.

Exactly. And I think it's another interesting coincidence that you and Xenophon are both violet. Just saying. And, uh, although March 13th was only 8 weeks from January 16th, which explains Xenophon's initial appearance, it's kind of uncanny that March 13th of next year is 36 weeks from June 29th. Yeah.

...All right, that is one too many numerical coincidences. How the HECK is all this lining up?

You tell me, Laurie. It's almost overwhelming.

No kidding. That is insane.

Jewel, you have like two more topics.

Oh, yeah. Um... is everyone... recovered from that initial shock? I'm sorry, I just--

I'm fine, I am freaking fine. Man. I don't know about Chaos though.

Believe me, I am not taking this badly at all.

Seriously?

Seriously-- Jewel, for heaven's sake you're my other half. How the heck could I possibly react badly to this? Yeah, it's incredibly sudden and... REALLY significant, but geez, it's just... I guess this must be what July 7th felt like for you.

How so?

Just... how you were so impacted by it. I had a different sort of impact. You just... I don't know, it--

Creating something together, right?

...Exactly. That is... that is exactly what I'm talking about.

Well... apparently we did.

That is absolutely amazing.

But... I need to change the mood for a minute, and I'm terribly sorry for it, but I was wondering if... I was wondering what you'd have to say about... October, in light of this.

...Oh man, you're serious.

Yeah, since that wasn't a Link problem I think there was something deeper and darker going on. ...Your interpretation was literal, Laurie.

...I...

Julie, don't hate yourself for this, please. We can't do anything about that now.

...You're talking about the bloody abortions, aren't you. The graves.

Yeah.

...Kid, I don't even know. If the hacks were really destroying you that badly inside, then...

I'm sorry. I just wanted to clarify that now, in light of this realization...

I'm the one who's sorry, Jewel. This wasn't your fault.

Julie?

God, I've been such a bitch! How did I...

Julie, listen. I... we'll deal with this. Please don't tear yourself apart over this.

Why didn't I ever think about what I did?!

You couldn't have. No comprehension.

No empathy. I was...

'Was' is the key word, Julie. Remember what I said earlier. That still applies here.

...How??

It just does. October was in the past. Who you were then is in the past too. We can't change that, we can only learn from it and move on. We all suffered horribly during that time, and you were no exception. So please don't damn yourself for it.

I'm going to have a h-hard time not doing that, Jewel.

I know.

...Jewel, do you want me to mention the last point really quick?

I guess. Which one is that?

How you want me to start teaching Xenophon how to ghost in this reality too. So she can follow you around and live a good and full life, like you said.

That would be awesome.

Plus I really think all of us should have a hand in taking care of hir. I mean, Lynne watched over hir when I was struggling to even deal with myself earlier this year, and I know you've spent some time with hir too, Laurie.

Yeah, I have. I'll definitely be spending a heck of a lot more time with 'em now, that's for sure. Also what the heck pronouns do we use?

Well I did ask Xenophon last week and ze really doesn't have a preference, being genderless. So I guess we can each use whatever is most comfortable for us? I'll ask again.

I am still absolutely reeling from this.

You know, Chaos, I find it kind of hilarious that neither of us is going into this blind.

How so?

Well, you've been the Guardian of the Chao for most of your life, and I have a couple hundred headchildren to take care of on any given day, so hey.

You two are a match made in heaven if I've ever seen one.

Laurie, come on.

It's the honest truth.

Makes sense that she'd be such a raging fangirl of us now, actually, with what you said.

Hey, it does!

And Genesis is a raging fanboy, from what we've seen here today.

I am!!

I should've known!

So how the heck are you going to write this into Parnassus, Gaia-boy?

Easy. You and Xenophon hold the next hierarchy slot under blue and red. Divine messengers.

Holy swords. I'm in Parnassus?

You are now.

Don't worry, I'll show you around!

I'm sure you will, geez. Also, how the heck does Genesis fit in there now?

He's got his own special role. I'll leave it at that.

I'm an earthly guy though. No cosmogony for me.

Well, maybe not directly, but remember the question you asked that caused my slipup earlier today.

...Duuuude you were SERIOUS??

Yes, and can I just say that hearing you say that was hilarious?

Yes, um, wow.

Hey, the Greek deities would interact with normal mortals surprisingly often if you think about it.

All right, wait. What was this question?

Genesis and I were talking to each other and I was saying how much I missed having him in my life like he is now, with hanging around me instead of keeping to himself. And that eventually led to him asking if he and I were ever going to... well, 'finish' the minor soul connection we had when I was about 16. And without thinking, I replied, "I would, but I don't want to accidentally end up with more kids from that, because Chaos and I practically have two already." Cue the amazing "WHAT" response.

Then you changed it to one and a half because Laurie isn't your kid.

Yeah. Sorry Laur, but you're a fraction.

Pff, I really don't care what I'm counted as right now, now that we have the important things settled out.

Oh, and Apollo is apparently in a blackmailing mood because he just started playing "Remember" by BT.

Oh dear Lord.

...The version of it where I lowered the pitch.

And that's even worse.

Your computer is a maniac.

Maybe, but you have to admit the little coincidences like this are pretty brilliant.

Hey, Julie, are you going to be okay?

...Eventually. I hope.

Laurie, can you get the other headvoices to help her out, please? I need to close this up and get some sleep, desperately. And then tomorrow we, uh, kind of have to adjust our lives to match.

I do not mind at all.

Same here, man. Not much to adjust, amusingly enough.

So do you want me to take Julie out now and get her situated, or what?

Yeah, and Genesis, go check on Xenophon while she's doing that. I want to have at least a small followup conversation with everyone after I close this up if possible, but I want to make sure Julie is okay first.

I'll settle her down. If not then Lynne's good at getting that done.

All right. Thanks, Laurie.

No problem at all. I'll see you in a little while, kid.

Yeah, inevitably. I love you too, Laurie.

Heheh, no kidding.

Okay, I'm going to go follow her so goodnight.

Genesis, darling, you're going to talk with us later too.

Yeah but you might be half asleep by then. So I'll say goodnight now!

Haha, okay. Good night, sweetheart.

You too! Don't stay in here too late or I will come and get you.

I won't. Promise.

'Kay, see you!

Well he was unusually excited about all of this.

Unusually? Are you kidding? The guy's my muse and your moirail. He was going to flip out.

I guess so.

...Sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner.

No, no, it's perfectly okay. Really it is. That must have been hard for you to deal with on your own, though.

A little bit. It did help to have that online community to ask about this, seriously, or otherwise I don't think I would have been able to really figure this out at all. And accidentally telling Genesis about it this afternoon did help because I got to discuss... geez, basically this entire conversation beforehand.

At least you're calmed down from the past few days.

Oh, definitely. I was just... shaken up, because it was just... I had never even considered that to be a possibility. Ever. But like I said, once I played Nier I just... I wanted a daughter. I honestly did. I had never wanted kids ever before in my life, and I actually still don't, in the biological sense, but...

But we were never really on the red level anyway.

Not at all. We're ultraviolet, dude, remember?

Ironically.

Heh, kind of! But... it made me really nervous at first, because geez, that is a huge revelation in any case. And our case is weird, so that was almost completely overwhelming for me. Gay interspecies spirit alien kids, I mean come on.

Hahaha, that's a nice way of putting it!

It's true, though! True and awesome. I mean I am just floored by the fact that we apparently... you know... we actually created something. The right way.

Together.

...Yeah. That's the most important part.

I love you, Jewel, I really do.

I know. And I honestly love you more than words can ever hope to express.

Then find a new way to speak, right?

Oh I daresay I am fluent in the language of love, and there I go with cheesy pickup lines, oh good Lord.

I'm still partial to the one you used on me in SI.

The kissing one? Dude that was terrible, I don't know how I got away with that.

It was brilliant, and look who you're talking to.

Hah, yeah, fireplaces and champagne all around.

Exactly!

Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my mother and I are going to a big spiritual expo thing this weekend.

Nice.

Yeah, but, the reason we're going is because I told her about you and Laurie one day and it triggered one of our huge philosophical conversations-- I think I told you about that one, didn't I? In glissando?

You probably did. I know you've been talking to her a lot about that sort of thing lately.

Yeah, so... I'm just laughing because, dude, she knows about our general situation, but how do I even come out with this sort of thing to her?

Aha, I have NO idea. But at this point she could probably take it.

No kidding! "Hey mom, you know how I'm a genderless demiguy asexual soulbonder plural system and all that? Well, uh, you know that blue dude who I've been with since 2003? Well... we've kind of been 'married' for six years now, and we actually had a nonbiological kid that I didn't know about until last week. Yeaaah."

Forget your mom, try the Sonic fandom.

Oh good LORD dude I am not even going to try explaining this to half of those people.

Hahaha!

They'll have to settle for SI. That's it, that's all you get.

Although we do have some shenanigans in there too.

Well of course, this is us we're talking about. Shenanigans are inevitable.

What about the flipside of that?

Every night, green eyes. Every freaking night.

Can I take you up on that offer?

Dude you can just take me at this point, I'm not even joking.

I daresay I already have, love.

No kidding. I swear, Chaos, you light up my entire life. As cliched as it sounds you seriously do illuminate me, entirely.

I know. Believe me, I have read what you've written about me.

Seriously. Every time I'm in a deeply inspired mood I end up writing about you.

You put every attempt I've ever had at writing to glorious shame, Jewel.

I think something poetic is going to result from this, inevitably. We'll see.

Poetic in which language, may I ask?

That depends on whether you want to hear or feel what I have to say.

I'm up for both.

Then you're getting both.

Should I close this up, then?

Go right ahead, love.

...Are you catching sparks?

Why don't you come over here and find out?

Oh you are definitely catching sparks.

Can't help it, Chaos. Not with you.

...Can I ask you something?

Anything.

Do you have enough fire for an ocean in that heart of yours?

Chaos, of course I do... that's why it's there.