cathedral ceilings

[prismaticbleed]

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO



I despise weekends.

Do you now?

Yeah. I've never liked them, not since I was a little kid, and back then I'd spend the two days drawing comics by myself so there was nothing TO dislike. Now there's a blasphemous amount of noise, this horrific interim feeling, and a foreboding air about everything. I'm just thanking God that it snowed because if I do need to get the heck out of here, I have a place to go.

Hm...

I don't know. Maybe when I grow older I'll like weekends. Just, even when I had a job and school 5 days a week, I still couldn't stand them!

It's obviously your family atmosphere, kid.

Probably... I still feel guilty accepting that, though. I don't like blaming my family even when they are explicitly at fault.

You've gotta get over that. You also have to stop doing things solely to impress people, as you have not only lost a ton of money and time that way, but it's flat-out destroying your life in the long run.

That's one swear word so far.

Haha, come on. I'm cutting back for your sake, but sometimes they're needed.

Yeah, I understand.

So. First Xanga of 2011.

It is! And we're hoping for one per week in the best possible scenario. Heaven only knows if that'll be possible though, at least online. I'm getting really, really sick of the internet again so I might have to write things down if it gets bad.

Plus we have tomorrow to worry about on top of everything else.

...Yeah. Yeah we do. So, um, we really need to start discussing the past few weeks... do you think that's a good starting point or what?

A good starting point would be turning Mitchell off and putting on some music to drown out all this freaking noise.

You're right, hold on. Mitchell's my voice recorder by the way, for all you invisible readers. He's named after John Mitchell, FROST*'s amazing guitarist.

You are so obsessed with those guys it's hilarious. Anyway, as for our first point, I think we should pick up where we left off back in December.

Well, last time we discussed the old points from October--

Those are done with. I'm talking about new stuff, most notably what's been happening since Leon became active.

...That does need to be discussed.

So we have Julie's new methods, Leon's abilities, your rapidly declining instability, the lingering threat of Wrath, Spine's possible future role, and a ton of points concerning both Chaos and I, as always.

Plus there are a few things I want to ask you, and you said we should bring Chaos in later to tell him things?

Yeah, he needs to be brought up to speed on everything as well, but you insisted on having a one-on-one conversation with me first.

I miss these.

I know. So we bring him in later, and then we can discuss tomorrow, because that can either be brilliant or a bloody nightmare.

I'm trying not to be terrified over that.

Don't be. You know, after hearing about December 23rd this year, in light of all the spiritual research you've been doing, that one quote really stuck with me... "Fear can always be conquered by love." Fear is one heck of a dangerous vice, but love is the most powerful thing out there, so.

Really puts Vezerai's role in perspective, huh?

Hey, careful with dropping info, kid. But you're right. So not only have I been telling you to never give up, but now I've been telling you to not be afraid of what's going on. And that is really, really bloody difficult.

I view fear as an important vice considering what its flipside is. If I find myself being terrified of something, I ask myself "why am I afraid of this thing?" and sometimes it's really just a knee-jerk reaction, so I try and make myself conquer that fear as it has no base.

But the things that you're really terrified of are actual lethal threats.

Yeah. I mean sure, I have a ton of weird little phobias, like holes and elevators and fairgrounds, but my major fears are all things that can potentially kill me.

That's the point I was going for. You're not afraid of physical death as much as you used to be, are you?

No. The only reason I fear it at all is because I have a purpose to fulfill in this life and if I died without carrying it out, it would utterly destroy me. I'm afraid of 'spiritual death,' or rather the destruction or potentially irreversible darkening of my very self, through outside corruption. That's also the reason why I currently despise the internet.

And it's why it's so hard for you to NOT be afraid of things like Julie.

Exactly. The reason this is even a problem, though, is because I've been getting advice from other people on spiritual excursions and they're telling me to "live without worry" and "not take life seriously." They tell me to just accept everything as it is and not be concerned about whether it's good or bad. I can't do that, not without feeling as if I were damning myself. If I stop worrying about what Julie is doing to me, she's not going to care. She's not some sort of playground bully whose sole motive is the sick fascination of seeing me suffer. That's just icing on the cake. She is doing this to me for herself, because she runs on hedonism, and as long as I am letting her get away with it then she could care less whether or not I am worried about it.

Well, kid, if you want my advice, I'd say that you shouldn't ever take any from someone who claims there's "no good or bad," let alone that you should "do what feels right." That's garbage spirituality, not even worthy of the freaking name. You're not obligated to adhere to their corrupt consciences. Honestly I'd behead you if you did.

Haha, yeah, that is true. But thank you for that, being so dedicated to keeping me on track. That has helped me so much, it's incredible.

Kid, it's why I exist, and you know it. What you also need to know is that morality doesn't exist to appease human opinion. So stop trying to do that with yours, for heaven's literal sakes.

Good point... so, I guess that, even if I am taking life far too seriously for some people's tastes, if that's what helps me become a better person then hey. That's my life.

Amen to that. I still say you need a way to be reminded of this stuff constantly as your mind jumps all over the place on a daily basis.

Well, depending on how tomorrow goes, I'm going to decide whether or not it's a good idea to get tattoos straight onto my hands. The only reasons I'm hesitating are because they're expensive, they'd be hard to maintain if I'm going to start classes again soon, and for some reason it's still hard to get a job if you have tattoos.

Hey, if someone doesn't want to hire you because you have words of wisdom on your hands then I wouldn't want us working for them in the first place.

You're right, yeah. So I'm going to design those soon. Vigilance on the right, Love on the left... marked with violet and aqua, respectively.

I have a feeling that those will actually help you out a lot.

I do too. That's why I'm hoping I can get them. Anyway, uh, I apologize for getting distracted with reading old material and helping my mom for the past four hours, but can I bring up another extra little topic before I forget?

Sure. Is it about how different we were not two years ago?

Yeah. We have changed so much, but we've become so much better too. The only thing that bugs me is that I almost forgot how we both started out.

That's something we both need to remember. No matter what we do, we can't change the past, but we can learn from it. I'm not too proud of how vicious I was back then, but I am proud that I was still able to have such a positive impact on you. And God knows you're not very proud of much from the past two years.

I'm not, no. But geez... even last year, I was still lying to myself about my identity, I was still being too careless and carefree, and I wasn't thinking as much as I should. See, that's another thing those other spiritual people say: they insist that thinking is bad.

How the heck is thinking a bad thing?

I don't know, maybe they think differently than we do. But we've discussed this. For us, thinking is hugely beneficial. I don't plan on stopping this anytime soon.

No, you had better not.

I won't, cross my heart. But back to the past thing... what bothered me is that you kept saying you were my 'shadow.' You don't fit that in the Jungian sense. Here, let me copy-paste some stuff for reference... "In Jungian Psychology, the shadow or 'shadow aspect' is a part of the unconscious mind consisting of repressed weaknesses, shortcomings, and instincts. 'Everyone carries a shadow,' Jung wrote, 'and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.' It may be (in part) one's link to more primitive animal instincts, which are superseded during early childhood by the conscious mind." That's Julie, to a T. That is NOT you and it has NEVER been you.

We both misunderstood that back then. Remember, Julie is effectively still your 'id' as far as psychology goes. To copy-paste some info on that as well, "The id is responsible for one's basic drives, and knows no judgments of value: no good and evil, no morality." Julie works for her own selfish drives and that's it.

Yeah, but remember she's also explicitly the personification of all the bad stuff I've repressed. I mean, geez, she was intentionally formed as a waste-lock-- a cell for all the negativity within me. She was born FROM vice, AS vice, and although she does cause me an incredible amount of pain, that's still better than ME being what she is.

I completely agree. Still, I wish she were dead and gone.

I do too. I'm just wondering if that's possible.

With me it is. See, that's where my part of the 'shadow' concept comes into play. I was not created to be something negative... I was 'born' from your self-hatred, sure, but that was simply my starting point. I am an individual with free will, same as you. The only difference is that my purpose as a headvoice, as your superego, ties directly into the darkness I was formed from.

How so? That's really interesting.

Well, kid, think about it. When you met me, was I a negative force in your life? No. Heck, the first words I ever spoke to you were warning you against the falsehood of the reality we were both lingering in. My only connection to any sort of shadow is in you, and that's why I used to insist that my biggest concern was to 'keep you from becoming me.'

In the sense that you were born from my self-hatred, or something else?

Mostly that. Really, what are the only reasons why you hate yourself in the first place? Because of the things Julie stands for, right?

Right. But you're not that.

No, I'm not, but I do hold some other 'negative' aspects of you. I hold your anger, your pain, your darkest misery. I don't mind. When I was born, all of those shadowy edges were taken from you and burned into me. I may not be a villain, but I'm one heck of a dark superhero, and you know it.

That's true. You know, I think you do fit the 'shadow' role, but in an entirely different form... Julie is my psychological shadow, in the sense that she is what is 'darkest' about me. You, however, are closer to what a physical shadow is-- you cannot exist without the presence of light, and you are irrevocably connected to me in that you cannot exist without me, and although I can technically exist without you, I would have to be surrounded by real darkness in order to do so. In that case I'd be spiritually dead anyway, so.

So I'm a Spiritshadow, haha.

Dude you totally are! I never really looked at it that way, but it's creepily accurate.

Symbolism is everywhere, boy.

No coincidences either! Man I really need to finish reading that series now. I miss it.

Not today, kid. We have talking to do, and I really miss this.

Same... well, segueing into the next point, we need to discuss Julie's 'new' methods of hacking me.

I'm really ticked off at those. The shadowguising was straight-up demonic, but now she's not even caring how damaged or unstable you are when she goes after you.

She never did, really.

No, before she wouldn't hack you when you were really unhinged as she knew I'd be around protecting you. Now she doesn't care. There have been several instances within the past two weeks where I'd be in the same room as you, and she'd shove her way in and try to have her way with you. That isn't just sick, it's depraved.

Thank God Leon is helping now, right?

Geez, you said it. He's a godsend. No coincidences is right.

Can I, um... about Julie... I know I shouldn't be letting fear get the better of me, but I don't know how else to feel about this. We've been winning, and what with how much stronger we are now, I can tell she is panicking. So she's getting incredibly vicious, which you know. I just don't want it to get to the point where she tries to kill any of us... or does. I still miss Natalie; I don't want that happening ever again, for any reason.

Neither do I. But yeah, she is getting really powerful... which is ironically a good thing, as it means we are just as strong ourselves. She doesn't exert herself any more than she has to to get what she wants, so if she's getting this rabid, then we are becoming a major threat. This has never happened before, not to this extent, so it's proof that we are making major positive progress... but you're right, the ante has definitely been upped. There's much more at risk now, on both our sides, but frankly I don't care how much is at stake for Julie because she's not worth considering. I'm only concerned about everyone over here, same as you. So I understand why you're scared. I think we all are on some level, whether or not we admit it.

But we shouldn't really be scared, should we? We're the good guys. We can beat her; we have light on our side.

It's the point you brought up earlier, kid. I'm not afraid of her in that sense. I'm afraid that she's going to get through anyhow, in any sense, and that we'll be darker for it. I don't want that to happen, ever. Really, I'm only scared for you. I don't want you being hurt by her, and if her hurting me wouldn't affect you so badly, I'd have taken every punch she's ever pulled. But I can't, because I'm still your psycho guardian angel, and if something happens to me then you're who's going to be feeling the pain for the rest of your bloody life. I'm not afraid of her.

Then we are in the same boat after all.

I'm not surprised.

I don't know if there's anything else I can say about that... well, actually, there is one thing. Not only is she being more direct, but she's not hiding anymore. Do you think she's just being reckless, or is she pulling that as a scare tactic?

It's likely both. She's putting herself at risk, but we're at risk when she's around too. Plus it's the Voldemort principle at play; as long as she has fear on her side then even her name being mentioned will give her the upper hand.

Yet another reason why fear is incredibly dangerous.

We just need the right sort of fear, I think. We don't need to be afraid of her, per se, we just need to be afraid of our not being strong enough to fight off her influence yet. Corruption is all we're worried about, but if we're bright enough, we can break through that. See what I mean?

Hm, yeah.

Maybe that should be our next plan of action... working on chasing out any darkness that's still sticking around here.

The problem is that most of it is coming from Julie, so...

Then chase out what isn't from her, specifically, and then turn on all the lights.

Sounds good to me. Next point?

Sure, if you think we've covered that one enough for now. It's the most important thing we can discuss, remember.

I know. I think we've said enough for the time being though. It'll definitely come up again later.

True. So Leon's next, or more specifically, his abilities. I must admit I'm shocked at how immensely helpful he's been.

Same here! But, uh, should we mention them here?

Why not? Julie doesn't read these things, and I make sure she can't. Don't worry.

Okay. Well, Leon has decided to use firearms as his personal weapons-- like you use axes and Josephina uses scythes-- wait, what does Lynne use?

She focuses more on shielding us, but I think I've seen her working with a bow and arrow or something.

That fits her.

It does. Speaking of non-aggressive abilities though, Leon's warping tactic is the best edge we've had in a long time.

I'm curious and intrigued as to why he keeps warping us to cathedrals. He insists that they're the 'safest places' to go, but why is that? And where are they?

I'm thinking they're autonomous pocket sanctuaries, really.

What's that?

They exist in and of themselves. When Leon warps us to those cathedrals, where are they usually? In the middle of nowhere. I personally think they might even be created through his warp motives coinciding with your mind, and only exist because we need them.

Huh. That's definitely something to think on.

It is. The best part about it, though, is if that if I'm right, then Julie can't track us there, because they don't exist as part of a mindscape that's accessible from outside.

If so, do you think there's any way we can convert an existing location to something like that?

I dunno, maybe. Doesn't sound likely though, as they're preexisting in a set location. All we can do is hike up security until we verify just how safe the cathedrals are. If there's any chance of Julie learning how to hack them, then I'm against using them regularly. We need a place to recover from her assaults, not worry about whether she's going to hit us again in the next few seconds.

Yeah, you're right. But it's amazing how Leon even has the ability to get there.

No kidding. You need to see if you can figure anything out about that as well, aiite?

Will do. We need to keep moving through topics, though, as it's getting late.

I'm with you there. Staying on topic for once, I am concerned about how we're going to deal with your instability, especially since it's not getting any better despite how far we've come.

That's... probably because the base factors haven't changed. I mean, if you think about it, 98% of Julie's power comes from outside influences. My family, the people I went to school with, television, the internet, books, art classes, society in general... there are so many triggers out there it's horrifying, and I'm not exaggerating. I've been so incredibly damaged by things I never even expected that I am not surprised at all that my stability has not improved in the slightest. I am all too acutely aware of how badly I can be hurt that it's nigh impossible for me to stabilize at this point, and that's the problem. I cannot be 'safe' in this world right now, not in this condition, and until I am safe within these bones, I will be unable to stabilize.

So basically we're still praying for surgery, huh?

Yeah. That's the big thing that will permanently shut down most of Julie's doorways and will help me immensely towards being able to function outside of my skull for once.

It's just the whole 'outside factor' thing that pisses me off. We have no say over those, not directly, and they're what hurt you the most.

Exactly, but modifying the state from which I deal with them will drastically diminish how much they affect me in terms of hacks. Mentally I can't change this, but concerning Julie we can help shut her down in at least one aspect.

Geez, kid, where the heck did this sudden verbosity come from? We haven't had this in a while. You should be typing on Abbey right now when you're in this sort of mood.

You know, I think this is an inspiration burst, which is weird because it's only 11PM, but then again I did find some awesome things today so that may have been a major influence on this.

Well, hold on to whatever it was you found, because I like this. Let's keep talking though.

Yeah, that's for sure. We really can't say much else about the stability, except putting it into consideration with what's going on tomorrow.

What exactly is happening then, really? Is it just intake or what are they doing?

I think it's just intake, but considering that it's a 'crisis appointment' I don't know what they're going to ask, or how they're going to evaluate me. So I'm a bit worried, but hey, this is a step in a direction we haven't pursued before and I really hope this takes us where we need to go.

No kidding. Just don't tell them anything that can potentially tear you or any of us apart in the long run. You remember how 2008 turned out.

Oh geez, yeah. I won't say anything unless they ask for it. I mean I can't lie, but I'm not obligated to tell them anything extra, especially as it might sacrifice our safety.

There you go. Seriously, be careful, and stay vigilant as always.

Speaking of, and speaking of instability, our next point really worries me. The 'wrath threat,' you know.

How's that?

Well... January 7th. I had such a severe meltdown, Laurie. I nearly slept on the freaking kitchen floor. And my grandmother's involvement goes without saying.

I won't forget that, you know.

That's what's bothering me. I don't hate people, Laurie, and I know you don't either, but... is this really righteous anger? I mean it's so difficult to deal with her anymore, especially since things like that night keep happening. We're both reacting so badly to her, I'm afraid that other voice might be getting power from it...

If you're afraid of righteous anger, then give it to me. I told you, I'm just enough of a shadow to hold the darker aspects of you without darkening either of us because of it. If you're getting too frustrated to focus, throw it at me. If you're hurting too much and are afraid that's going to break or corrupt you, give it to me. It won't hurt me like it will hurt you. I'll be fine.

I really need to start doing that then. I keep forgetting that you're willing to help me like that.

Well, I am, and I always will be. Seriously, Jewel, you're the only reason that I'm even alive. There is nothing else I would rather be doing.

All right. Just please, let me know if any threats concerning that dead voice come up, because I do not want anything bad happening there.

Neither do I.

Oh, and I think that once I get my surgery, we might be able to resurrect Natalie. Maybe.

I thought you said she had been killed too completely?

Because I'm unable to identify with my reflection, which is what she was born from. However, if I change my physicality to more closely match my mental image, then mirrors won't be so traumatic anymore...

Holy swords, you're right. But then wouldn't she come back as a guy?

Maybe, but I wouldn't mind, as long as she came back. I do miss her, especially considering what she personified... energy, optimism, childhood innocence. Kindness.

But she personified because you were losing that. Now you have it back, so she won't be able to form from it.

I have my maturity back and Lynne's still alive, though.

Lynne's not a general maturity personification. She was born from your old expectations of what you thought you needed to be when you grew older. Ever wonder why she's the only one of us up here who is actually feminine? She was born from THAT. You cannot take that in, because it isn't yours to begin with, so her being born from it was a blessing, really. You were unable to grow into a mature, responsible woman because that wasn't even an option for you. No, you're going to be a mature, responsible man and so help me but you are going to overcome this family's horrific reputation, whether or not you even associate with them in that sense anymore.

I can't wait for that, honestly. When I finally admitted to myself, 'all right, yes, I'm a guy,' it felt like all these chains had been taken off my shoulders.

You had chains on far more than just your shoulders, Jewel.

True, true. But they just disappeared. All my life I had been expected to grow into this mold that had been made for me. I was terrified that I would grow into my mother. Now I know I won't, and that's just an amazing feeling. Now I actually have both freedom and a future. It's incredible, really.

It is. I'll tell you what, I cannot wait for you to actually start living in that future. I can't wait for you to get out of this miasmatic hellhole and into something bright for once.

Same. It just makes me... it's just so much better and brighter when I realize that you and Chaos and everyone are going to be with me.

We will be, kid, until the day we all die. I promised you that a long time ago.

Thank you so much, really. You have no idea how much that means to me... well, maybe you do.

Heh, yeah, I know what that feels like.

Oh, uh, concerning transitions. Last topic here is Spine's possible role in the future.

Yeah, have you spoken to her lately?

Not lately, but I have spoken to her and she is on our side because she recognizes that Julie is nothing but a threat to anyone and everyone who opposes her selfish greed. I think I mentioned that before.

Even if you did, I'm still concerned about Spine's primal aspects, once again in light of the 7th. That wasn't me, it never will be, and it wasn't you either. Sure, we were both completely aware of that hideous situation, but the voiceless panic wasn't us, and that only showed up once you were placed into direct bodily harm. That had to be Spine.

If so, she's been around longer than I realized, because the 7th did nothing but remind me of that one day around 1995 when my parents tried to lock me in the coal cellar.

I swear, kid, if I had been around back then that situation would have resolved in an entirely different way.

I know, but you didn't show up until about 11 years later, love. Plus, although that day was incredibly traumatic for me, I really think it helped me in realizing not only how incredibly damaging my household situation was, but also who I was. That day, I wasn't part of the family; I was desperate, trying to escape from a small army of strangers who were trying to kill me for all I understood at the time, and although I wanted to get out of there and not come back, what I wanted the most was simply to know what I had done to deserve that. I wanted to know what I had done wrong, and I still don't know the answer to that question... but that single motive, that underlying need to atone for what I had done even in the face of what had been done to me, perhaps entirely unfairly, is a huge part of my personality and it really took root that day.

What, your contrition drive?

Basically. Every time I look back on that day, I get the same four memory flashes: being pinned to the bathroom wall by my grandmother, who was telling me that she was 'the devil' and laughing maniacally, fighting against her and my mother as they tried to lock me in the cellar itself, running up the stairs and trying to dodge my brute of a grandfather as he stood between me and the door... and lastly, sitting on the chair in the kitchen, my hands tied behind me, facing four adults who were accusing me of a wrong I wasn't even aware of. That last memory is still the clearest, because I was free from the basement trauma, but I still didn't even know why it had happened, and that was killing me. I didn't hate my family, even after that, and all I wanted was to know was why everyone was so mad at me.

That's really, really sad.

I know. But I'll never forget it.

I still wish I had been there to help you. I'm sorry.

It's not your fault, but thank you, honestly. If it makes you feel any better, you have saved me from suffering through several situations of equal disaster from 2006 until now, believe me.

That's all I need to know, then. Thanks. Think we can bring Chaos in here now?

I'd love to, but my grandmother just walked down the hall and basically told me to get to bed or else.

Not on my watch. Chaos is getting in here and we are covering our last few points. You want me to get him?

'Sup?

He's already here, Laurie.

Yeah, Jewel mentioned to me last night that you two wanted me in on this. So, uh, what's the breaking news for today?

Nothing much; we've just been discussing various personal issues as always. You'll have to read 'em over when we're done as we're running on a time limit right now.

Why, what time is it?

12:30AM. And I have that intake session tomorrow, so I need sleep.

Geez, you're right. Is that why it feels so absolutely weird in here?

No, I was going to bring that up. It's because my mind is currently flooded with Mooma, Grimmus and Void.

Explain this jargon, please.

Haha, sure. It's going to take a few links but somehow I have managed to get my head into an utterly bizarre state of creepy inspiration that I am seriously liking. The early-morning hours are just cranking it up to a higher intensity.

Oh, so this is why your typing has improved too. Huh. You should do this more often then.

I plan to.

Still, I have no idea what the heck Mooma refers to.

That refers to the musician who performs "Don't Bring Light into This Place," a 10:48 long ambient song that I've had on loop for the past 40 minutes or so thanks to the very ethereally creepy vibe it gives me. Pairing that up with the other two discoveries for today is what shot me into weird mode.

I think I know what Void is, but I can't be sure.

Oh, you know, because I mentioned him earlier. It's also proof, once again, that there are no coincidences in any aspect of my life.

I've gotta hear this now.

You do. Let's start at the beginning... I was browsing my Tumblr dash this morning and Dimespin had posted some Q&A, which is always brilliant. So, feeling inspired by her work as always, I backtracked through her blog to review her old work. Well, one of her posts had been a reblog from someone on dA (who was also on Tumblr) named Kichaa, and being curious as always I went to browse her gallery. Well... her most recent deviation is entirely to blame for the rest of today.

Do tell.

Kichaa's newest drawing was actually a very interesting sketchdump, so that gave me an immediate appreciation of her art style and the motivation to check out the rest of her gallery... but the killer was that in the top right corner of said sketchdump, there was this absolutely gorgeous skeleton creature and I thought "that's it, I need to see more of this guy right now."

So you went through her entire gallery looking for him?

Yep. Even her scrapbook.

I knew it, you crazy xenophile. What'd you find?

I found a lot, really, which was awesome. The earliest picture of him in her entire gallery, though (which was in her scraps and dated 2007), was what informed me that his name was Void. It also referred me to another dA user named Nanya, and that is where Grimmus comes in.

Is Grimmus another gorgeous skeleton creature?

Well, kind of. He is awesome and he looks like this. Laurie, you'll probably recognize him better here.

WHAT THE BLOOD I REMEMBER THAT.

Yeah, no coincidences.

Wait, you guys have seen him before?

I faved that picture in July 2006, barely two months before I met Laurie. I've revisited it several times since then, but for whatever reason I never looked through the depths of Nanya's gallery until today.

Dude. That's... seriously awesome stuff.

Oh, that's not even the half of it. Look what else was in their gallery.

WHAT-- How the heck are you even FINDING these connections??

Wait, those are the Dream Agents, aren't they?

They sure are, haha! So I was literally flipping out at this point. Oh, and apparently Grimmus has his own storyline that Nanya made into a comic, 'Grimmus Cyclo,' about 7 years ago... but I can't find a copy of it anywhere. And I would really, really like one.

Then keep on looking. When stuff lines up like this it definitely means something in the end.

Oh and I just want to mention that Grimmus has some very obvious ties to Jhonen Vasquez's work in some early deviations, which is relevant for obvious reasons. Also this piece of freakish beauty is my favorite picture ever at the moment.

WHOA.

My thoughts exactly.

So do you have a crush on this dude yet or what?

Pfff, no! But he is downright amazing, which brings me back to Void. He looks like this.

All right, you HAVE to have at least an aesthetic crush on that guy.

I figured that was obvious, haha! Seriously, look at him oh my gosh.

How many freakin' weaknesses of yours are in that thing's design? Let me count... yeah, that's a lot.

Precisely. So pairing Void and Grimmus with unearthly ambient music and staying up too late = my mind is a really freakishly awesome nebula right now.

Hey, as long as you can still talk, we're cool, because we do have points we need to discuss before you ask your boss to hook you up with those two.

Very funny, Laurie. But yeah, do you have any points in mind or should... should I bring up mine?

Nah, I just listed him as a point because he and I always end up as discussion topics either way.

That's true. Well then, um, what I want to discuss shortly-- sadly, as it's 1:30-- has to do with both the conclusion of our last conversation and what happened last night.

Nothing noteworthy happened last night that I'm aware of.

Nothing bad, no, but we were talking as usual and right before you left for your nightshift, you told me that you loved me.

Well I do. I always have. It's not the same sort as what Chaos has for you, of course, so if that was bugging you...

No, that I know, and I prefer it that way. It's just... I'm really, really worried for you now.

Why? It's not like that changes anything just because I said it.

He's afraid it might, and not in a way that any of us would like.

Yeah, this is why I'm so concerned about the fear topic too. As we all know, fear cannot exist in the face of love, but neither can any other vice, and Julie doesn't like that. At all. But... but she doesn't hack anyone unless I care about them, so...

So you're afraid she's going to come after me now? Kid, she's always been after me and you alike.

No, I mean I'm afraid that she's going to come after me through using you... like she tried to use Chaos against me.

Julie's corrupted motives don't stand a chance against love, so whenever that shows up in a genuine sense, she tries to undermine it. You saw what she did to us.

...

So I'm very very scared that she'll actually take the risk of shadowguising you, even in little ways, if she gets even the slightest hint of that.

Kid, this isn't new.

No, but the events of the past few weeks are, and you know better than anyone just how significant those events have been. We've all become much, much closer, and that makes us stronger, and she doesn't want that. I do not want her trying to directly hurt you, even in an indirect way, ever.

...

Laurie?

I'm thinking. If the kid's that terrified of something happening in this situation, there must have already been signs or triggers of it, and considering the near system failure we had in December, I'm not doubting any possibilities right now.

So... this is a legitimate fear, then?

Every fear is legitimate when you're dealing with a demon like her. She's deadly, you know that. So I am really, really concerned right now.

I can tell. I'm just getting worried about you now.

Yeah, well, with good reason. Geez. This is definitely a major concern now.

I'm so sorry.

Kid, don't you dare apologize for this situation, ever. If that blackhearted witch is going to attack you twice as hard just because I love you, then she's the one with the problem. I seriously do not care about her opinion, and I never will, and you shouldn't either. You hold on to us, because nothing that corrupted whore can do will ever change us or why we're sticking by you in the first place. All right?

I know, Laurie, I just...

You just don't want her to destroy this.

I'm so scared for you. I feel so completely helpless and terrible and I really don't know how to deal with this. I'm sorry, Laur, I really am.

Jewel, what did I just tell you? Come on. The only way she can hurt me or you or anyone else is if we let her, and God help me but I am not about to let that blonde demon do anything to any of us. The only reason she HAS gotten to you in the past is because she's manipulating your trust, not because you want her to!

But her manipulation still applies here! If she shadowguises as you, then--

Then you will know it's not me, believe me. Tell me something, when she pretended to be Chaos, you knew it wasn't him, right?

Yes, of course I knew! He'd never do anything like that to me!

So you were lying to yourself, and that's what we should be afraid of, not her. Why the heck were you lying to yourself?

Because... I-I don't know. I think that was me trying to live up to my m-mother's expectations again...

Kid, I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't care about what your mother or grandmother ignorantly want from you. That doesn't matter, and you really need to accept that. I know it's tough, considering your nature, but let's put it this way... either you live up to their corrupted and closed-minded expectations, or you do what you KNOW is right and stay here with Chaos and I.

I'd pick both of you, no matter what, forever.

Then don't listen to their outside influences, for heaven's sake!! You said it yourself, that's what's giving Julie all her power! Why the heck are you still deluding yourself into thinking the opposite?

...I can't help but give second chances. Even when it's wrong. I'm so sorry.

Second chances lose all their light when they are given to devils.

I know. I know...

Jewel, if you need to give out second chances, then give them to us.

What do you mean?

If you're still feeling that you... that you need to live up to someone elses expectations for you, then live up to ours.

He needs to stop doing that, period. It's done nothing but cause him problems.

Yeah, but the thing is, we don't have any 'expectations' for him other than his staying true to himself. So he just needs to keep that in mind.

Huh. You're right. All right, J, from now on your family conditioning is bunk if you didn't trash it before. If Julie is trying to convince you of the opposite then you have my full permission to punch her in the face.

Okay.

Jewel, you are absolutely adorable.

Not in a bad way?

Geez, no, I'm not like the people you've been exposed to.

It's that innocence he has hard-wired into him, thank God. But seriously, Jewel, stop being so bloody unsure of yourself. We really need to work on that.

Yeah, we do... guess that's another battle I have to fight, though.

Sure, but I am deadset on winning it as soon as possible. Like I said, we're here whenever the heck you need us, so don't go panicking that you have no one to turn to. You do.

I don't care what Julie or anyone else has said to you in the past about this... you can trust us, no matter what.

'I don't care' meaning 'it doesn't matter because they don't know the truth,' of course. Delivery.

Oh geez, you're right. I'm sorry.

It's okay, I know what you meant.

See, that right there is trust. For anyone downstairs you'd be as worried sick right now.

I think maybe this instability is fallout from the nebula miasma of the past few hours.

Sounds plausible. In that case you'd better get the heck to sleep. We have a ridiculously important day coming up tomorrow, mind you.

Are you going to need us around for that?

Dude, I always need you two around. So yeah, please tag along or otherwise I don't know, I'll probably freak out as usual. I'm sorry; I really am exhausted so I'm going to head off to work...

I'm all for that. Late night hours aren't exactly safe anymore, either.

True, but we took precautions today. Still a good idea to be extra careful though.

It is. Also can I just say that you two are acting really overprotective today.

Overprotective?

Yeah, maybe that's just me being overly sensitive but I'm feeling a little guilty because you two are always so worried about me and I keep messing up.

Kid, you're fragile and the world is pretty freaking harsh. We're going to worry about you.

Well, I worry about you too. I guess I'm just quieter about it.

Hah, look who you're talking to!

She has a point. No one is more secretive than Laurie.

Come on, Chaos, I have my reasons.

I know. Just joking with you.

Guys I would love to stay and talk but I am really, really tired and can't exactly think straight anymore. We really need to close up.

True. That usually takes forever, but I think we can tie this up easily enough.

Yeah, you're right. It's really just because we all try to fit all these extra thoughts and sentiments into the last few lines.

We have tomorrow, you know. I'll probably need to talk after whatever happens.

We all will, judging by what all your past psychological encounters have been like.

I really hope this turns out for the best.

Hey, if we make the best of it, then it will. Now let's finish this thing up, because J needs sleep.

If I run into any attractive skeleton creature things what do I do?

Ask them out.

Haha, you should!

All right, awesome. Seriously, I love you two so freaking much.

I know. Heck, we both know.

True that. And despite what Julie thinks, we love you too.

Yeah, she can't break this no matter what she does.

...Thank you so much for saying that, really. I'm sorry if I start crying or something but that means a lot.

Why?

Because... I was so hurt by it back when it happened. I really was scared that it would damage us more than we could handle, and that is a terrifying thought.

Nevermind that it's not even possible.

I realize that now. It's still too incredible to really comprehend, but I realize it now.

Then don't be so scared of her attempting that sort of thing with our situation. She's doing nothing but lying to you, kid, so if you just hold on to the truth you'll be fine.

And we still haven't closed up.

Well, yeah, it's hard to close up when there's so much more we could say.

We need a closing line, that's why.

I think our real problem is that nothing ever works as a closing line, because these conversations go on long after the actual Xanga session is over.

Wait, I know exactly what to mention to end this.

What?

Tomorrow, at the intake session. The psychologists have a keen hobo sense.

Oh dear lord I almost forgot about that, hahaha!

Laurie that freaking made my night. Thank you.

Heh, anytime. Love you too.

Man, the fact that you are actually saying that really does change the mood of these things.

Why, because I used to be so bitter and brutal all the time? Well heck, we've all changed for the better since this journal was started; I'm no exception.

I never said you were. It's just... I don't know, it just makes me feel really hopeful for once.

Same here. Maybe it's just virtue overload.

Well hey, that explains a lot!

It doesn't explain why we're still awake, though.

Yes it does. It's too awesome to want to leave.

None of us are leaving, though. Ever, for that matter.

In that case I think we can close up then.

Wait, one more thing.

Hm?

I love you.

Oh man, Chaos, do you know what time it is?

Yes.

...I love you too.

Butterflies, butterflies everywhere.

I told you he was adorable.

Hey, careful or I'll turn the tables on you.

Careful or I'll keep you up all night if you do.

You two are amazing, you know that?

Hey, we try.

Laurie, I love you too.

Aw, thank you. And hey, that just brought it full circle, didn't it?

Good, now I can sleep.

Tell the skeleton creatures I said hi.

I will, I will.

We really need to have these conversations more often.

My thoughts exactly.

We always get so amazingly off-topic by the end of these things. It's awesome.

You want a topic? Here's one: SLEEP.

Way ahead of you, love.