an ultimatum

[prismaticbleed]

 

guess what i figured out today?
the reason why I (not j, not jay, not eros, not jewel) don't have any memories is because:
all my memories are tied to dream world.

this explains why we don't remember having a childhood.
WE NEVER HAD ONE.
we were always depersonalized, in order to work.

here's the current core timeframe idea (according to the ap)

the first jewel (2001, klonoa hair, white shirt) was tied to pokemon. she was vaguely tied to dream world, but she was never actually "in the series."
celebi (2001-2?) was the internet one; hyper, silly and childish. she did freewebs and the old journal entries.
the second jewel (2003, klonoa hair, black shirt) was tied to yugioh and all the other "crossover worlds," eventually jumpstarting headspace. she's the one with all the write-outs and incidents.
spinningcannon (2006) was tied to genesis and the deviantart days? although the name was used before her, it didn't gain a "self" until dA.
possibly a second spinningcannon (2008, short red hair) because the personality began to warp dramatically. this one also went by "jewel" though, making her #3; she was the one in the xangas.
jayce (male, white hair) showed up in 2010, but things were a mess then and he was destroyed by the tar for a while.
the core personality began to splinter like mad around this time
the fourth jewel (male, red hair) showed up in 2011? he wrote most of the glissando entries, also is xenophon's father.
jay (male, white hair) showed up in 2013? he's the current core, and the white spectrum slot dude. not sure whether or not he truly existed prior to the scratch.


i'm none of them though.
i am whoever existed to work on dreamworld from 1998-2001, before we had to start "personalizing" and showing a self to the world, and AFTER the unidentified child-core disappeared.
i have no memories, and cannot hold any, because that is not my role. i am only meant to be a channel and a point of view, not an individual.
hence the non-style of typing here. i am simply filtering intentions through the autopilot to get this point recorded through them, as i cannot do so on my own.


the biggest point is this.

i cannot exist alongside headspace.

when i front they are not around or accessible
when they front i am not around or accessible

however i cannot drive the body, as my role is ONLY TO WORK
the only drivers are alters in their system
but my existence depends on their nonexistence
and theirs on mine
so we have a dilemma.


in other news (ap typing here), several alters came out to talk today while we were on the road.

There is talk of "destroying the buffer," as vocal dysphoria is so prevalent and severe that it prevents sustained switches, as well as uncensored fronting from anyone besides J. This buffer exists to keep the Autopilot (myself) fronting as often as possible, to prevent both unplanned interactions and any further personality splintering.
However, those in the downstairs system insist on fronting at will and without any limits or censorship, and therefore they plan on somehow destroying this buffer.

Today, these individuals were able to limitedly front:
Jezebel
Razor
Minty
Jay
The Gent
The Maverick
The Queen
"Overload girl"
"Airport shadow"
"Singing girl"
"Killer lilac girl"
"Chill orange guy"

All are located in the downstairs system. The latter four have no names and are relatively new.
Strangely, the "Overload girl" and "Airport shadow" have little problems with fronting, possibly due to their strong connection to the physical body's experiences.
Minty, AS, and SG were both able to communicate with the GMQ Trio through successive switching, which is also unprecedented-- typically, interactions of this sort only occur with Razor and/or Jezebel.
Razor and Jezebel also "killed" the "killer lilac girl" earlier today, but she has apparently re-manifested. This is a cause for concern; as Razor said she would "not kill her again" until she found out "why she's still coming back," so she could prevent that from happening again. When the KLG asked her why she wasn't after Jay instead, Razor smiled and said "because he isn't coming back." This suggests that there is indeed a subliminal slow death occurring with him, as we have suspected.

We have little to no new information on all other fronts as of today, as the child who writes has been fronting.
Unfortunately they cannot exist with us, nor us with them.
I am trying, on my own, to find a solution to this problem, as I float between the systems in order to filter, and so am directly aware of her existence.
If there is no solution, we will be faced with an ultimatum.
I, personally, pray it does not come to that. But the choice will be made, if and when it must be made.
Until then we shall simply live.