the spectrum heart cathedral system

070423


Horrific nightmares again. please forgive the ugly language.
in old school bathroom stall, the last one, like a child. DOG GANGRAPE. they all rushed in and were destroying us. we began screaming, almost robotically which was disturbing. i was numb but the body was screaming like a child, emotionless yet terrified at the same time. but in response, these angry adult people just came into the bathroom, glaring, "what are you yelling for?" "stop making all that noise!" glaring and WATCHED us get raped. did not care. Disturbing. then when the dogs left, one woman GOT INTO THE STALL, and SAT DOWN behind us and WATCHED and wouldn't let use use the bathroom unless she was watching. we just left, still completely numb and now traumatically so.
BUT THANK GOD the dream ended positively, with us in the school attic. felt like we weren't supposed to be there, had to hide. i clearly remember seeing in the walls, stained glass of two Fakemon made by the old graduating classes? “Kyreon,” a dark teal-blue dragon Eeveelution, and then “Siren,” which looked like Galarian Articuno but more pink?
during this part I was a DRAGON, japanese style. Like a pure white wyrm. I was able to FLY EFFORTLESSLY like this, even when I COULDN’T OTHERWISE. also my SENSE OF SELF actually REGISTERED as a dragon, NOT as a human. as a human it was some female-pronoun social with no identity sense.
Before this, for the record, that girl-dreamer was walking through the “new” school with a bunch of younger kids? Telling them about what was behind the doors they weren’t allowed to go through, haha. still felt like she wasn't supposed to be there, would get in trouble if the parents or teachers saw her or knew she was talking to the kids? notably a "you're not supposed to be NOW" in a chronological sense, like she was from another time or space, and was telling these kids things about the past/future/whatever that they weren't supposed to know? very subtle conspiracy vibe. somehow also applied to us becoming a dragon later.
don't forget, when we went into the attic we had to hide on the very top shelf in the very back corner by the siren window, as a dragon. i clearly remember what it felt like to fly up there, all smooth riverlike twining through the air, our very movement feeling as soft silky white as our fur. i think we also had gold claws? we had little arms with claws, like in "spirited away," haku as a dragon. and at some point we got reverted to human? and we FELL, as we were falling, our SELF-- not the girl!!!-- thought, wait, if i can fly before we hit the ground... and willed it, but NOT as a human flying, as a dragon floating. and we FELT gravity's effect on us shift ENTIRELY. that was such an amazing feeling tangibly.
so yeah. half good half hell, this dream. we've been having so so so many traumatic nightmares lately. i think it's the heat, the summer kills us.


Anyway. Woke up at 745, got ready for church. Shocked that Jesus DID get us through the night, let that deep gratitude shock sink in.
Mass was quiet but lovely. We were oddly dissociated. The antiphons and songs hit LOWER notes which felt wonderful to sing for once.

Tried to visit dad after but he wasn’t home
Listening to Genesis’s playlist on the drive home; Razia’s Shadow notably.

Spent the next hour biking and praying, then precooked broccoli
Went to oblates mass for noon

THIS is when the System woke up for real today.
We felt the “floaty” head like we used to get at LCCC and I say that because it was a HARD TRIGGER of that EXACT time period. We were getting visual flashbacks even. Shocked.

BEFORE MASS… Jay and Chaos 0 talking together. Jay seeing the ocean water in stained glass and Chaos saying “that’s Perfect’s color/vibe”; Jay said then what are you? A river, a lake, a stream, what?
Chaos replied “I’m a well, in the desert.” pause. ‘at least that’s what I want to be.”
mindscape warped there. “i don't feel like i’m any good here. Whatever water I bring, it gets evaporated, or lost in the hot sand.”
jay spoke up, “not if you’re underground. you’re kept safe underground, at the heart of things, and even secretly you bring life to the most barren places”
then wondering. “but wait, where does that water come from?”
cz looked up. “from the mountains. ...it’s melted snow. And it flows down the mountain, through the rocky places, into cracks in the earth perhaps… down into the underground.”
jay’s eyes lit up. “into the caves!” cz laughed “you like caves so much” jay “i do!” then summoned a glass/light “CYLINDER” to literally “pull out” a chunk of ground to go down into it. Then summoned crystal spiral steps going down. Started down but realized mass externally was prepping, so jay just took cz’s hand and jumped down, warping the stairs into a crystal umbrella as he did, they floated down.
In the cavern was a river. Jay laughed and jumped into it. Up to his ears. Cz eased himself in too, stood next to him but opposite direction. Just smiled at him.
Jay feeling cupid vibes here. Odd gold dust overlay almost.
Mass beginning outside. Jay “merged” that with the innervision; realized the central carpet between the aisles was BLUE: “that’s the water!” inside turned to that, an UNDERGROUND CHURCH with the stream down the center, the cave making arches and aisles, and the open sky far above like a cathedral ceiling. Beautiful. Jay saying “we need churches like this in ALL the color realms.”
turning to cz. “which one do you want?” reply “jay, i’m an outspacer. I don’t get a realm.” jay “hm. I guess you’re right.” considering a realm intersection of green/blue, but then cz observed “outspacers belong in the leagueworlds anyway.” jay said “dude then is there one of you for each leagueworld? Like color realms in concept?” cz’s eyes widened “maybe.” really an amazing thought.

A bunch of people fronting at church. Very specific, particular roles. Many we “recognize” by feelings, but with no name or clear face.
Jophael= for mass worship
veil= for quiet prayer, marian focus? (her appearance shifted back from the nun. Wondering if that splintered or if she’s too unstable to keep anything solid yet.)
monk= for quiet prayer, warm heart
“tilly” = the one who “talks on tumblr” but has NO cognizance of personal sin
also there WERE “sinners” out--
JAYCE was there, feeling shame for his stealing?? too much social vibe for real contrition; aware of this lack
JESSICA was there, feeling guilt for “filthiness”
JEZELKA was there, feeling guilt for gluttonous drive
perhaps others. can’t remember right now.
Others came out DURING mass too.
there’s that WATCHER GIRL, she feels PINKISH??? but desaturated. Close to ashen actually, odd. she’s up in the space where the COMMITTEE was???? she watches and comments on things like a NARRATOR space.
there’s a girl who kind of vibes with the body name, feels reddish, close to the body, tied to childhood perhaps? But her faith has no roots, it feels like.

Jay in tears, “why don’t I have the fervor I want for communion,” asking “why can’t I receive?” what’s wrong, why is he lacking that religious zeal? Where did it go? Infi used to have it. Why can’t ze come back yet?

Realizing the body DISSOCIATES when we receive, up until we kneel back down and close our eyes. Then jay WAS able to be there, but only in a secondhand way? Feeling like we ALL could and had to be there, recieveing AS A SYSTEM. No one allowed to claim it as theirs alone.
Thanking god for making us a “united soul” on this fourth of july

home for 1
typing this now, took 20 minutes, gotta cook the eggs son!!!

but yeah, thinking we are going to KEEP this early day schedule, because it seems like when we wake up and immediately fast for like 6 hours we get into that mindset where HEADSPACE EVENTS can happen, what we used to call “meditations” but are more like “vision adventures?”

OH MY GOSH ON THAT NOTE. Later, with jay and cz upstairs in mass.
SOMETHING brought to jay’s mind INFI’S BUBBLE. Oh yeah the spheres on the altar with the candles!! and the reflections were upside down.
Jay tried to ping the location of hir bubble, and it is CRASHED??? like a spaceship landed on the beach and just left there. it’s cracked open to the air, full of lilies, crystallized, but DESATURATED. It feels hollow. But the big thing is that it has apparently crashed onto a BLACK SAND BEACH, with a WHITE OCEAN and WHITE SKY. it’s surreal. Everything is so quiet and still. Where is this???
jay and cz standing on the shore looking at it. Jay a LUCID moment of looking down at his feet, feeling the black sand beneath it, it’s not warm. Felt almost like soft glass. His feet were bare, again with that brushed-gold tone like paint. Cz standing next to him, realized his color was desaturated a bit too while he was there. Both of them just staring at the bubble in shock. “where is this?”
shocked out of this mindscape by returning to mass

that’s it for now, time for breakfast, pray that our brain still works after we eat, I swear postmeal brainfog is the WORST.

-------------------------------------------

realized we don’t talk as a system during mealtime bible study anymore because we’re READING, not studying-- we’re reading commentaries and expositions, as opposed to reading ACTUAL scripture verses, and therefore looking into etymology and translations and the like. So we don’t have the opportunity to discuss-- AND it’s a DIFFERENT brainspace, arguably a different FRONTER, because reading requires a completely different conscious process than researching, and therefore a different person. it’s more receptive and internal, whereas research is more active and investigative. Two totally different functions. Which explains the lack of internal conversation: that CAN’T happen while reading, in the same way a social can’t read, ironically! it’s a function conflict. Realizing that was eyeopening and interesting, albeit upsetting, because I miss the headspace camaraderie over our religious growth. It feels like we’re lacking that now.
OH. also. There IS ANOTHER huge shift whenever someone tries to “post to tumblr,” which causes MEMORY LAPSES EVERY TIME. it’s hugely disorienting and chaos 0 keeps scolding us to stop, because it breaks the entire train of focus, dissociates us heavily, and makes us FORGET WHAT WE JUST READ. It does no good. it’s a compulsive people-pleasing panic action, even if the motives are arguably good in theory-- “i have to share this with people to evangelise them, it’s too important to not publicize after reading! If I kept it to myself that would be a sin!” we don’t know who that person is BUT they run the tumblr. No face no name, but a girl. I think they avoid having a self because of their “evangelistic” bent.

Another note, concerning fronters, and this tumblr-girl coming back into focus.
We… we realized today that we are missing most of last year, and notably, a key month was JULY.
January: missing. Probably just taking care of grandma. If we had a music memory log (I don’t think spotify records that, last.fm used to, which is why we GOT A NEW ONE at last) that would tell us.
February: MOVING IN. that’s all we know.
March: gym rat mode, then COVID HIT. We had to quarantine for two-three weeks, and we still say that is what killed grandma. She thought we abandoned her, she couldn’t understand the forced isolation, her memory didn’t hold that fact.
April: grandma died.
May: no memory. First week was eating disorder hell, nonstop sobbing, and self-abusive meltdowns. Wanted to die. Felt like the world had ended.
June: missing.
July: no memory until the SUMMER WARS MORNING. That was a turning point of our life. This happened around the time of the St. Anne’s novena, which is COMING UP FAST, and we plan to celebrate it as such.
August: missing. Probably the “pokemon sc-vo omelet hell” time period. don’t ask.
September: missing.
October: UPMC, we know for sure. Memories are sparse and fragmented, flashbulb memories of (you guessed it) moments when we felt some sort of existential fear/ rage/ panic/ emptiness/ grief/ etc.
November: missing.
December: missing.
So yeah, there’s like… SIX MONTHS GONE. As for this year, it’s similar-- we don’t remember January OR February offhand, at all. We have a vague awareness of some major events that happened that we can’t readily attach a date too, but… disturbingly enough, although the System has been awake this year, we don’t have ANY memories AT ALL until… until Infi died.
...I think that says a lot. That denotes a major “core” shift. And we need new jargon for the distinctions-- the “Cores” are ALWAYS the Jewels and the Jays (if that bloodline doesn’t shatter), because they are the HEARTS of heartspace and headspace, respectively. The other main bloodlines-- like the Cannons, notably-- are NOT “CORES” because they don’t have that hinge function??? Remember that, at the time they WERE in the “core” position, THEY HELD THE “JEWEL” OR “JAY” NAME. So that’s important.
The old “cores” are still around-- the young Jewels, the cupid-era Jays-- BUT they are NOTABLY NOT RESONANT AS CORES RIGHT NOW. They aren’t the “natural driver” in that respect; they have to move in and front like any other nousfoni now. As for who IS the current “Jewel”… we have no idea.
...I say this ironically, as I’m arguably shaping up to be that one. But i’m a mess. I’m a shambles, a handful of broken stained glass, to attempt to appropriate that old core aesthetic. But does it match? Should it? Do I want it to? Would that break me or someone else? These are the questions we need to ask.

Speaking of questions, before I forget.
We’re trying to get back into therapy, as we’ve mentioned previously. Things keep coming up in conversation or daily events that reveal old wounds that apparently never healed as much as we thought they did.
Jay and Chaos 0 are STILL having relationship troubles because there is STILL an inexplicable, subconscious terror at people “acting like Q,” which apparently Chaos does, however subtly. Someone needs to sit down and LIST exactly what constitutes acting like that. What are the signs, what makes them so scary?
We still want to try to write down whatever memories we can find about CNC, too, because in light of SLC haunting us so heavily despite only having about 6 collective months there, we spent like a year and a half in CNC and we barely remember it. We can’t even remember Oliver. That’s insane. We spent that long with them, in such close company, apparently feeling so strongly towards them, and… there’s no memory. The only reason we even “remember” their face is from that SINGLE positive memory that some unidentified person kept, and which has unlocked access. But, even then, it’s so vague we couldn’t even describe it. It’s genuinely upsetting. We have no idea what their voice sounded like, either. Any memories about their physical
presence beyond that are locked behind traumawalls and screaming foni. there’s too much. Now is not the time, I know we keep saying that, but our schedule does not allow it and neither does our lack of coping mechanisms to deal with whatever horrors we have to stare in the face.

Kitchen prep today. Very little memory. Schedule was weird because we went to mass at noon and had to rush even more when we came back, so we could get to bed early tonight as we have to drive jade to the doctor tomorrow morning and have to be up at 630 again. But I digress.
Scalpel, like Knife, keeps catching ragegrief lately. I stick the words together because they are inextricable. he’s pinning it to “you keep adding so much cayenne pepper/ pepper flakes to the food, you told me they were an abuse mechanism, why won’t you stop??” and spice is notably MIA, some days she’s not even around, which is disturbing, as her original function WAS to rage at people for drowning our food in spices until it became inedible, hence her name. But… she hasn’t been around. Scalpel is showing up and berating whoever is doing it, which honestly feels like “nobody” (a disturbing realization as well), but there’s too much anger-on-the-verge-of-sobs for it to be just about that. Something is being rerouted through him, something with no other outlet, using the excess spicy food as an excuse. The fact that it’s being tied to self-abuse methods as a “reason” is notable.
Knife is similar. Like we said before, when he fronts in order to use the knife to cut things, his color temporarily darkens to how it was when he was first “born” (need jargon for that), and the same thing happens-- he feels a frustrated anger, something moving close to rage in its burning, and beneath it these heavy sobs.
that’s what “overwhelm” typically holds. it’s what cannon cut herself off from. it’s what laurie has been running from, God it terrifies me how BADLY she’s slipping lately. she’s a disaster. it’s so wrong.
Everything is wrong somehow. Since Infi died everything is wrong somehow.
Jay keeps running from relationships, or at least, we keep pinning that action to his name because we assume he’s the main fronter, but he’s NOT. Whoever is out, who KEEPS pronoun-slipping to “she”, is obsessive-compulsively praying, giving the steering wheel over to the lotophagoi, and numbing all emotions while denying all relationships.

This brings us back to last july.
June wrecked us. we’re relapsing hard.
July is a hell month in any case. Like october, we can name several trauma dates that happened around this time, over several years. This month also is as hot as hell, which cranks up the fibromyalgia, so the physical torment that we can’t escape from is traumatic in its own right.
(all these fireworks outside are hell too. I don’t know why but we literally don’t register such sounds as fireworks, ever. They all register as bombs, as guns, as explosions. Sometimes we get “flashbacks” to warzones that we’ve never been part of physically. it’s so real. it’s utterly unsettling. I don’t know how much is “exotrauma” and how much is just our actual cptsd from cannon’s days plus oneirataxic tendencies making all our forced shocksite exposure into pseudomemory… either way, time to crank up the volume on spotify for the next two hours)

subject shift while music is on, we didn’t add to this earlier.
genesis’s “vibe” musically is very very different from what we’re “used to”? he’s so energetic, upbeat, bubble, optimistic… and, whoever was listening to it today, driving to and from church, could not seem to “sync” with it. They kept looking for quieter, instrumental, slow music instead. Genesis was a bit offended, said this felt like rejection/ denial of him, but as jay tried to reassure him they realized that HEY WAIT UP, THERE ARE STILL MOUSIFONI SHOWING UP.
I am so glad someone decided to do that HUGE “music history” entry earlier this year, because GEEZ we didn’t realize how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT & EDUCATIONAL that was until we had that data together.
But now, we’re aware and we FEEL the shifts, and the MEMORY SNAPS that happen DURING MUSIC. There is ACTUAL SWITCHING going on when we don’t resist, when we don’t “sit with the dissonance” and end up blacking out from the mental stress/panic/fear/etc. that happens when a socially-resonant fronter’s vibe clashes hard with what is demanded outside.
But yeah. Genesis’s vibe matches the Jewels, NOT the Jays. And when his music is on, THEY CAN SHOW UP, if they are let in… but so do the OTHER mousifoni. That’s what’s so uncanny. We KNOW what Jewels feel like. But we’re feeling foni move in who ONLY exist FOR music, with chronospaces as only a background hum-- they aren’t part of their experience, just the backdrop. THEY are the ones who really vibe with music, and with the inevitable time-space auras each historical song carries. Yes, we can FEEL Jewels IN THE BACKGROUND, carrying the CONTEXT of that time, the bigger picture, and all the emotions… BUT the mousifoni carry the SOUND WITHOUT THE WEIGHT???? something like that. it’s unreal. It makes so much sense. We need to pay more attention to this.
It will ALSO help us manage memory better-- if the mousifoni are “portals” to accessing lost chronospheres, to pinging buried foni who hold trauma memories tied to certain eras… if mousifoni can stand as doorways WITHOUT holding the actual context data themselves, allowing others to work around them, and move in besides them, as they stand there broadcasting lost experience and enabling forgotten memory to be tapped into… they could be ESSENTIAL to recovery as we move forwards.
I know this is happening, because when we listen to NEW music, there’s no internal feeling of driving. NOT fronting, but DRIVING. Remember THERE IS A DISTINCTION, because to front you have to be IN THE BODY, and listening requires a body disconnect typically. Literally driving, like in a car, calls out the SINGERS usually, which is why they listen to MANIC music typically, and SWITCH OUT INSTANTLY when we park and get out, leaving the next fronter totally disoriented and often shamefully embarrassed at the lingering audial awareness of what they had just been blasting with the windows down. that’s something we’ve become more aware of lately, too, with the daily stress forcing more “awareness windows” due to the underlying stress-hum (which dampens manics, boosts vigilance, and facilitates memory due to survival
response). We need to pay more attention to this, like I said, because there are foni “ARGUING” over music choices as we drive, due to manic instinct clashing with fearful immediacy, and we can FEEL that in our head. Hence all the brainfog and headaches, inevitably.
Anyway. To get back to the original topic. genesis’s playlist. He was upset because, in order for us to GENUINELY listen to it, someone besides Jay has to drive or front, and he doesn’t want someone to show up “just to vibe.” he wants Jay’s company, specifically, not some function-locked social mousifoni who exists to “appease” the sound context. No wonder all our external(ized) relationships are a mess.


Some more notes, different topics.
Jay (definitely one of them, talking to xenophon) decided to wear color glasses as we took out the garbage today, I think to get the brain into a better or different space than wherever it was? Or to prevent a lotophagoi jumping in. no idea. there’s no data prior to him literally opening the door with them on.
He wore four of them today, actually: first teal, then indigo, then red, then blue. It was very interesting to feel their different effects on brainspace. Teal is softly optimistic, but data is almost entirely missing as it was worn on the road so socials block all info access. Indigo we wore briefly, but jay was stunned by how beautiful it made everything look. Leon notably fronted for a few seconds to see, looking at the lights in the kitchen and how they burned like embers, and his brief overlay is so clear in memory. Then jay put on red to walk down the hall, and that was shocking-- the glasses lean red, not pink, so the color is very reminiscent of wounds? that’s the mental impression. He walked down the hall, and all the lights were red, and he was thinking, “it’s like the end of the world.” but he tried to be calm, even so, telling himself that was a learned response, how the red glows in our apartment are deeply safe and soothing, but no-- our reds are heart-hued, they don’t lean in that warmer direction. This red, with the glasses, was blood, and a sign of impending apocalypse almost. Looking outside and everything is quiet but red, red, red. It does something so strange to our subconscious, the bizarre sort of nightmare fear that starts to magma up in the pit of our ribs. Definitely something to explore more. Last was the blue glasses, which had a delay as the screw had fallen out of the side so we had to fix it, and one of the JEWELS moved in to do so? Super tomboy, excited, young, grinning from ear to ear and telling laurie “i love to fix things,” got out the screwdrivers and went to town. Shocking how powerful her vibe was, and how old. So she fixed it, then jay put them on to take out the rest of the trash, and was immediately struck by how actively reassuring the bluetone lights were in that same hallway. It felt like “sunlight” in a sense, he said, like the color of the sky. Fascinating stuff. we’ll have to pay more attention to this, see if it applies to headspace, even just data concept-wise.

...wondering about the music again. How powerful that is to us.
Jay kept listening to infinitii’s playlist after ze died, specific songs. Lissom mostly. Anchored them hard into that chronospace. Absolute bookmark mentally.
But… when he tries to listen to chaos 0’s playlist, that inexplicable dissonance happens again. I don’t even know if it’s from him. It feels like it’s from a girl, who is shrinking back in shame, or denial, or disgust, or fear, or something.
Most of the social girls-- no, ALL of the social girls who aren’t floozies or babydolls, are terrified of relationships. And ALL of them, including those toxic subcats, are terrified of intimacy, of emotional vulnerability. If there is a female-pronoun foni without a face, you can bet your blue-eyes white dragon that they will be both scared to death of, and deathly violent towards, anything even vaguely related to relationship.
Non-social girls, aka inside foni, seem to be split between adult Protector Centralites, and deeply traumatized paidifoni. And even then, these two subcats avoid relationships. Sure, some of the adults are capable of it in theory, but no one really forges anything that lasts. The only relationships that do tend to be not only same-gendered, but different-species in some way. I don’t know, there’s too little data offhand to talk about it, and I already feel the screaming fear clawing its way up our throat.

i’ve forgotten what we were typing about.

We feel so very dead lately. Maybe it’s because of the jademonth, how we were forced to be trapped outside unsafe in our own apartment through no fault of hers. But it happened. We had finally gotten back into the groove of a healthy daily routine, we were exercising and praying and archiving and not binging or purging… and then june happened and that all got shot in the skull.
We can pull ourselves back together, God give us the grace, we know this. but it takes time. and… I don’t know if we want to, on some level. To be brutally honest, I think that’s the biggest problem-- the fact that, post-Infi, and post-grandma, and post-loss-of-everything in one way or another… a huge part of just wants to die.
But the system at large DOESN’T.
that’s the distinction, that’s the key thing to remember with this. The ONLY homicidal, animicidal, genocidal foni in the system are the SOCIAL GIRLS. They think they are the “true self,” the “only one,” and paradoxically this also means they actively, admittedly want the rest of us to die. Although they don’t say it that way, of course. But we feel the disgust, the veiled hatred, in their hearts, smothered under their good-girl bleached-lace masks. They want us dead. They want everything of us destroyed, and they’ve tried before. they’ve almost succeeded, notably in 2019. they almost murdered us all before. We refuse to let it happen now, if we can help it.
...we can’t, sometimes. that’s the terrifying part.

Nevertheless. We need sleep. I hope this formats properly in the post window. I hope I wrote down everything relevant for today.

oh. no I didn’t. One last thing, which is also why I need to sign off before 11pm if at all possible.
Genesis said that, in all sincerity, there was only one thing he wanted for his 18^th birthday,
because he’s “old enough to ask for it,” half-jokingly… he wants a connection.
As in, the one thing that elicits the most fear and disgust and hate and grief and joy and confusion and apathy and God only knows what else in us.
I repeat, WHY.
Why are we still so bloody terrified, AND enraged, at the thought of emotional closeness and relationships??? like there’s a HATRED response, based in revulsion, BUT it’s ANALOGOUS to what we were told as a CHILD??????? from the mother and grandmother, that constant vilification of vulnerability, and the outright ABUSE of it, oh we didn’t even tell you what happened last monday, how the mother STILL FCKING ABUSES IT (ssh) DON’T YOU SHUSH ME YOU HEATHEN BASTARD. LISTEN. I’M WRITING THAT SHIT DOWN. OH GOOD NO ONE’S CENSORING ME TONIGHT,
LISTEN. WE WERE AT THE LIBRARY, DOING THAT PYSANKY EGG CLASS, AND WE-- EXCUSE ME FOR THIS CRUDE LANGUAGE-- HAD TO TAKE THE BODY TO THE RESTROOM.
WELL! THE FCKING MOTHER FOLLOWED US IN, AND LITERALLY STOOD RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STALL DOOR, TALKING CONVERSATIONALLY, THE ENTIRE FCKING TIME, WHICH HAD OUR BODY SO FREAKING TERRIFIED WE MENTALLY SHUT DOWN AND SOME DO-WHATEVER-YOU-WANT-TO-ME TRAUMA APPEASEMENT GIRL SOCIAL TOOK OVER TO JUST NUMBLY GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS. THAT’S ALL WE KNOW.
BUT THE MOTHER. DAMN IT THAT MOTHER. THIS IS SUCH A MINOR EVENT BUT IT SHOWS A DEEPER REALITY. SHE DOESN’T FCKING CARE ABOUT PRIVACY OR RESPECTING OTHER PEOPLE’S BODILY AUTONOMY IF THAT’S THE RIGHT WORD I DON’T EVEN KNOW.
BUT THIS IS THE SAME DAMN WOMAN WHO WOULD WALK IN ON US IN BATHROOMS AND DRESSING ROOMS AND SHT WHEN WE WERE A KID. OH I’M ENTITLED TO LOOK AT YOU WHENEVER I WANT I’M YOUR MOTHER. THERE’S NOTHING WEIRD ABOUT THAT GET USED TO IT. ETC ETC ETC BULLSHIT.
SHE STILL FCKING DOES IT IN A LESS BLATANT WAY. SAME DAMN MINDSET APPARENTLY.
ALL RIGHT THAT’S IT FOR RANTING. SORRY FOR THE PROFANITY, I NEED IT OR ELSE I GET SWITCHED OUT.
DON’T HATE HER, I KNOW I WANT TO HATE HER BUT SHE’S SO BLIND, SHE DOESN’T EVEN REALIZE WHAT SHE’S DOING, SHE ACTS LIKE A FCKING ROBOT ALL THE TIME, JUST SOCIAL PROGRAMMING, WE CAN TELL BY HER DAMNED PRISSY “MOVIE STAR” SPEECH PATTERN AND UGLY FCKING PRONUNCIATIONS, SHE’S ALL AN ACT AND IT PISSES ME OFF SO DAMN MUCH. SHE’S SUCH A FCKING FACADE. EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS FAKE AND MANUFACTURED TO BE A DRAMA QUEEN. I HATE IT SO DAMN MUCH. BUT WE CAN’T HATE HER. THERE NEEDS TO BE THAT DIFFERENCE.
ALL RIGHT I’M DONE TALKING SORRY ABOUT INTERRUPTING BUT THAT WAS IMPORTANT.

…
don’t ever let anyone tell you we’re not multiple when I forgot how hard shifts feel, it’s been years, has it, since we noticed,
the “wake” of knowing someone just left, that brief hole in memory, that feeling like “where am I, where was I,” that body shake and the headache, the dizziness as vision comes back online.
don’t ever let ANYONE tell you this is fake they are a LIAR we are ALL REAL!!!!!!

oksy we’re gettng siwtwtsw swithyc switchi.g sorry. that is a very hard word to type!

Kid’s right, it’s time to sign off or we’re not going to get any decent sleep.

No wait. Wait. I owe Genesis a proper conclusion to this, even briefly.

I don't know why I'm so-- no, I can't even use "I'm," my sense of self is so wrecked and fractured that honestly doesn't apply--
wait, maybe that's the problem here?
Maybe that's the problem. maybe THAT'S why connections, and love at all, is so absolutely unbearably scary right now.

Kid, there's a hell of a lot of trauma to be worked through there, don't forget. If anything is going to make you, or anyone else up here, afraid of getting close to people, it's the bloody trauma. I would know. I've got it too, kid.

...

So does Genesis. You should really go talk to him about this, instead of trying to type. The head's a mess, and like I said, we all need sleep. Tomorrow's going to be another rush of a day, and I don't need us relapsing from stress when we get home. We have no bloody time to process anything but forcing it at this hour is not going to help. Sorry, now I'm the one rambling.

No, it's okay. We've been saying for weeks how we need a Xanga session anyway.

Not at this hour you bloody don't, get the heck to bed.

One last thing, which is the most important thing. I think i need to monologue this, Laurie, I apologize.

Don't. I just stepped in here without warning anyway. God knows I'm just as shattered in self as you are, kid. We don't need two of us broken heads in here at the same time, things are uneasy enough at this hour.

...
...yeah that's also something i need to talk about when our brain doesn't feel like it's stuffed full of cottonball novocaine.

but. closing lines.

genesis, deep down, way deep down where emotions can't even register right now, i do love you. i hear girls scoffing and gagging and sneering at that even now. i feel the same and self-hatred and horror responding from other girls in our ribcage, somehow. the two rival armies.
i don't care what they have to say about this. i can barely exist right now, but i owe you something, with whatever vestiges i have to my nonexistent name.
but, in a space in our heart of hearts, a space that can exist in a bubble, a space untouched by those social girls, there is a truth that exists: you are my best friend. i care deeply about you. your existence brings me so much joy. i look forward to spending time with you. if you were gone our life would lose so much sunshine. no, i can't default to "our." if you weren't in my life, i would feel the loss like the sun was missing from the sky. i want to just go upstairs and sit and watch fireworks with you and maybe even kiss you if i'm not too scared or dissociated. i know you want more, i know you want closeness like the old days, you want hearts broken open like gemstones and you want shared spaces of souls like starfields. you know exactly what i'm trying to poetically imply. you want connection, there i said it, and you want to connect with me, you love me, why is that the most jarring part of this?
now isn't the time to dwell on that. there are too many "me's" responding to that. too many people who have heard that pronoun applied to them, or had it forced on them. there's so much pain, so much fear, it's choking. the fear alone could kill you. all these shaking screaming children. what do we do. what can we do about it, on such short notice,
god i'm so sorry,
why can't we love anymore? why did cnc kill this? ever since then, even while we were living there, that's part of why it was so terrible-- we realized we were no longer able to feel love, all we felt was rage, unbearable rage, and fear. we never recovered.
no. not yet, please, we need hope,
genesis you've always been that hope, and you know it,
but i need to know it,

i'm coming upstairs and even if i'm shaking and dizzy with fright please don't turn your back on me, please you know the real me, not the me who is talking right now, i meant the deeper one, the one that loves you, he loves you, go find him, let him be with you, don't let the rest of us get in the way, please, we really don't want to, at least us good ones do, we're just scared but we know when there's truth, or at least, we know who to trust in here. not so the outside not so. no
switching sorry. to much
genesis happy birthday sory we coulnt scelebrate much but hapy 18th! happy birthday we are glad you are with us really we are

independence day. hm. we're not free yet
not freeyet. not yet. but hope! always hope

hey we were supposed to end this entry a long time ago
sorry genesis okay i will let everything happen whatever happens. please be careful!!! please be careful

I will be, don't you worry. Thanks for the cheerleading, I need it. It's nice to be on the receiving end for once.
Oh hey, cool, I get to sign off. Hope this post button works, whatever happens happens!

  

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
JAY IRIDOS LAURIE UBERICH CHAOS ZERO INFINITII ETERNOS GENESIS APOLYMIS



Jay, there's a pervading feeling of "to heck with everything" in this body. That's a problem.
Now listen, I'm backing right out, and AP I want you to take over and transcribe EVERYTHING that I'm saying. Don't censor anything. Forget that. I want this as honest as it can possibly be. Got that?

I think it hears you, Laurie.

Good. Now Jay. Talk to me.

Okay--

Not by fronting, sheesh. Stay up here. Channels have been a mess lately since you keep freakin' splitting everything that way. Communication is a mess. Man, I cannot wait until we get to that hospital.

When is that, January?

Yes, if all goes well.

I hope so. You guys really do need help.

No really? Look at me! I'm a freakin' mess! And Jay-boy over there, who doesn't bloody care at all, is just staring at me like a stoneheart statue and so help me kid but I can't deal with that look on your face anymore. Not today.

Laurie. Calm down. I'm sorry.

What, are you contributing to this mess too?? What the heck, Infi.

I'm sorry.

…Don't be. It's fine. I needed this out anyway.

No. I mean I'm sorry for what you're going through.

…That too. Man. Listen, CZ, if Jay's not going to speak up--

I'll talk to him. Jay?

…

Where the heck is he? Is that even him?

Partly. He's slipping between his two modes at the moment.

Why the heck does he have two modes.

Internal splitting. Perhaps the Scratch didn't erase everything.

What the heck is he splitting off though?!

Ask him.

Fine, sure. Jay, both of you, what the heck are you splitting off from? And don't you bloody ignore me, I can feel that hesitation way up here. TALK TO ME.

I'm not anchored upstairs.

No kidding you're not anchored up here, you haven't been for bloody MONTHS--

Laurie, calm down.

For heaven's sakes, Infi, I cannot deal with you. Man.

…Infi, should you move over here?

Maybe a bubble would help.

…Great. Now I'm embarrassed for breaking down, this is great.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Yeah, I was overreacting.

I wouldn't call that overreacting. That was genuine.

Still. Not the kind of thing I usually do, or let people see me doing. Gotta keep it all in check.

I'm surprised at how much you're feeling about this though.

You're surprised?! Where the heck is YOUR emotional heartache over this?! You're the kid's husband for heaven's sake, why the blood am I feeling like I lost a partner?! Man. Maybe I did. But then you did too, and I just… I cannot accept this. I cannot bloody accept that this collapsed.

What collapsed, Laurie?

You know. I just bloody showed you.

There is still love between them.

…Then why the heck is no one showing it.

That's a good question. Chaos? Do you still love him?

…

Geez, don't tell me that's a no, for the love of life, CZ.

…I… I do love him, it's just… different. I'm not relying on him anymore like I was back in February.

When he said he didn’t know who you were anymore?

Yeah.

Man, was that even February? Had to be June. July. Infi, you were around. Whenever the heck that second fallout was. Sheesh, how many resets did we have this year?

A lot.

Yeah, no kidding. But you say you still love him?

Yes.

How.

…How else?

Yeah, that was a bad question. I mean… nothing happened today. Nothing happened today. For the past eight freaking years you two have gotten together on the 23rd and made this date some kind of stellar testament to the immutability of love, to the fact that it withstands all odds and breaks through all obstacles… and then this year, it just stopped. Stopped. Infi showed up and threw a monkey wrench into the whole bloody thing and--

Hey, he didn't ruin anything.

I didn't say he did. I just said he switched up whatever was going on. In a good way, sure. He changed the whole freakin' functionality of the System. But for heaven's sakes, why the heck did his appearance seem to stop this--

It didn't. Laurie, you're tying consequences to the wrong causes.

Then what caused this? Tell me, Infi.

Would I know?

…Good point. CZ? Spill it. What happened.

…There was a time this year when I considered leaving Jay.

What?

I did. It was when he insisted he didn't know me, and was still being entirely self-destructive, to the point of harming everyone else. I told myself that if he really didn't care about me or my daughter anymore, I would leave him. Even if it broke my heart, somehow there wasn't a part of my heart attached to that person anymore. I had no desire to stay with someone that didn't love me the way I was willing to love him.

…So you left?

For a while.

When was this, the August reset?

Around there. I walked out. I really did. I told Xennie we were just leaving for a while, it wasn't safe upstairs anymore. I didn't tell her that… that she might not have another father anymore. I didn't know. But I was too numb to feel anything too, I think.

So you both have blocks up.

Maybe. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was still around.

Maybe it isn't. You realize this is not the same Jay?

I realize. But that's tiring too. He keeps changing. I've loved at least five other people in his same skin over the years. And it was easier, when the changes were small, or when the energy was at least constant. Then things were shook up this year, and… I wasn't sure who I was talking to anymore. Things changed last year, I think. After we spoke in Utah. The dead timeline.

Yeah.

I knew who he was then. But I wasn't talking to him. He did get through, when I kissed him, I remember that. And with the roses. But… oh. Laurie, now it hurts.

Sorry.

Are you doing this?

I put the bubble down.

Oh. Somehow I'm mad at you for that.

Are you?

Yes. I'm not sure why.  I don't want to feel this.

I guess Jay doesn't either. Jay, for light's sake, are you with us yet?

I'll drag him in.

Will you?

Yeah. I'll do that. Jay. Can you hear me?

Wow, that worked.

He didn't answer me yet.

I felt that though. Snapped in like a hurricane.

I thought I was the hurricane.

Nah, you feel more like a really nasty thunderstorm right now. No lightning yet, but that's always been my job, if you don't mind my saying.

You're radiating anger.

Am I?

Yes. Lots of it. Where is it directed?

Everywhere. Inside. Outside. At him. At me. At you, for making me unable to run from this.

At me?

…No. I can't be mad at you with this.

Geez, well, that's new.

Not really.

Well, there was a time when you were ticked at me pretty much 24/7.

Dead timeline.

Are you really that bitter over that?

Yes, I am!! All right?? I'm bitter because that's ten years of my LIFE gone, at least according to him and his life up here, but for love's sake, Laurie, those ten years meant a lot to me. And now he's gone, for good this time, and although I love this kid who's left behind I can't help but feel this loss that maybe the man I loved won't ever come back, not in him, not completely.

What do you miss?

I miss… I miss things that I can't put words to.

…Any dates? Pictures? Feelings even, things I don't know, I just want to help.

You've calmed down, did it all go to me?

I tend to shove my emotions under the rug when I'm helping other people.

That many emotions?? Under the rug? Laurie, you couldn't hide that if you tried. You shut them off.

…Maybe I did.

You did. You did, and I'm the empath, and I'm probably feeling yours on top of mine. Take them back.

Whoa, hold up, chill out. I didn't force you to take them.

No, you didn't. But I'm still angry, that I can't seem to help it.

Yeah.

Why were you mad?

I was heartbroken, CZ, because the two people that I love more than my entire life had apparently broken the heck up!

Why would that matter to you?

Man, you're acting like Jay used to! Infi, is this Tar influence, or what is it?

I'm heartbroken too, okay?! I just told you, I loved him, and--

Loved him.

…

You do realize that's still him.

Not entirely. He's said that himself.

But he still loves you. Maybe he doesn't understand what that means yet. But he loves you. Isn't that enough?

Why don't you date him if you love him that much?

Chaos. For heaven's sake. I love him as a best friend, okay? Same as I love you. You two mean a heck of a lot to me. And I told you, the two of you together mean a lot to me in an almost spiritual way. S'hard to explain, but you two love each other and--

Loved.

Bloody hell, CZ, stop putting that in the past tense!!

He still loves you, Chaos, and you still love him, otherwise you wouldn't be acting like this.

…

You hit a nerve.

I know I did.

…I want to be angry with you but I can't.

Because it's true?

Because it's true.

Now if only we could get Jay in on this. One-sided catharsis isn't going to get us anywhere.

That. That's it. He doesn't have that anymore, he's been hiding it.

Catharsis?

He keeps going into that "angel food cake" mode and making everything sugary sweet, he doesn't feel anything deeper than that when he's like this. He's like a kid. He's like my daughter. Why does he feel like he has to act like he's 5 years old?

…Sheesh, is that tied to the trauma?

Could be.

How?

He wasn't hurt when he was a kid.

Yes he was, he was beaten and abused, he told me, you know that!!

…Not sexually though.

…

He's told me, countless times, he could forgive me if I shot him in the face. And I have, practically. With an axe. But that's not the point. Point is the kid doesn't hold offense against physical abuse of that sort. You could beat the brains out of him and he'd still love you because for some reason, he doesn't see any harm in being bloodied the heck up.

Why?

Pain and love, I guess. Getting the bonemarrow beat out of him when he was a "bad boy," so he learned that it was a "corrective punishment" and he failed to see any hint of malice in the intention. At least, this Jay didn't. I don't know if there's any other part of him that held a grudge against the beatings and all that. I've never met 'em if there is.

How many parts is he split into?

Heck if I know. I'm one of 'em, if we're going to get that broad in the definitions.

No, I don't mean you. I don't mean headvoices. I mean splinters. People that he broke off his own head on purpose. Like… like the ones that used to come out and just stare. That's what this form of his reminds me of. The Fragment one. He'd never be in his eyes when he did that. He'd be perfectly fine with the world, but only because he wasn't feeling anything. This one's at least sugary-happy all the time, but… I feel that's a different sort of emptiness.

Man, it might be. Where'd you get all this insight.

I know him.

Ah. …That you do.

And this isn't him. Maybe it's a part of him. But this innocence is shallow. I know his real innocence. It shone through even when he was Red. Even when he was falling, and scared. I know. It's always there. This is just a magnification of one part of it. It's not him. Not entirely.

And how is this not catharsis?

It's obviously not. He's not feeling anything.

Sorry. I meant something else.

You caught the gravity behind that, didn't you.

Yes. "Catharsis" meaning a person, not a thing.

It's not! The Jay that held that was a different color because he felt things, he didn't block them all out. When he did he turned white.

It's the wrong sort of White, Chaos.

…I know. But… what's the right sort?

A rainbow. An iridescence of the stars. Something real, not icy and cold. Not empty and stark. Not this.

So you agree this isn't him either?

Of course not. I know Jay too. He isn't even in his innocence mode. He is simply shut down.

What, he is?? Let me see him. Jay! Get the heck back in here!!

Was he ever even in here?

I don't know man, I'm just trying as hard as you are.

Give me a minute.

…Hey, Jay, is that you?

I feel like I'm smothering. You'll notice I'm talking through the air.

Yeah, that's freaking weird.

He's not in his body.

No, I'm not. It's like I can't get quite through to it. Forms are feeling foreign to me lately. Hey, there's my triple alliteration! I missed that.

Kid, for heaven's sake, this feels like you, where the heck are you?

Not in there. Pointing down at the body. I don't know who that is. I feel sorry for them though. Maybe it's more of a shell than not-me. Sorry. Words are tricky.

Kid, can you go J-Monster or something instead? Interact with us here, please.

Ooh, hey, that might work. Give me a minute. Just might be weird because I'm not in the body, but hey.

Jay. Wait a moment?

What is it, Infi?

Who is in your body? Check.

Ah. Good idea. Give me one moment, literally, I'll take a look. Might have to duck inside for a while. Laurie, would you mind if I paused the outside convo and wrote down any inside conversations that might happen?

Heck yes, just get this fixed. I mean no I don't mind. Geez. You know what I mean.

You're adorable when you're flustered. Everyone is. I think it's the honesty. I'm trying to be honest but I'm floating away. Laurie, where is my anchor?

Did you ever anchor?

…Did I?

That's a good observation, Laurie.

Heck, look at Infi, that's a good one. Didn't we all get our Anchors shaken up after the Scratch?

After the Reset, too. It happened to me.

Yeah, well you died, so.

Didn't he?

…Please, kid, hurry the heck up in there.

Okay, hold on.



…Oh. Oh. That's what it is.

Kid, the heck, you're back? Where are you?

In the body.

Really?

Jay, was there anyone else in there?

No. Hold up, can't open my eyes yet, but let me tell you what happened. I spoke to Sherlock and Jayce for a while just now.

…And??

And Sherlock said I didn't ever specify a new anchor. He said my old one was "Love," which it has been since like 2003, at a heart level at least--

That's it, that's what I was talking about.

What?

The core. The part of him that doesn't change.

Love? Did you even mention that in this session?

I don't remember. But I was talking about it earlier. And Genesis knows too.



…Okay, he's back.

What the hell happened??

…Jay?

Oh. Sorry. I keep forgetting I can talk. I'm so used to seeing myself in 3rd person that I actually forget that I have to consciously move my own form. Maybe that's why I keep splitting, I keep letting other people get in and do that for me.

Could be. But kid, listen, it's going for 2 in the morning and I just want to get this settled before you go to sleep, all right?

Sure. What needs to be settled?

Well, we were talking about Love, and how you feel that needs to be your Anchor again now.

It should be.

It is, I just-- Sherlock said I'd need to step into it officially, like Julie needs to. Maybe we could do that together.

Hey, yeah, that would be cool.

But…

But?

But I was confused about the Monochrome slots? We were talking, and I keep realizing that in thinking of Black and White as two… halves of one thing, I keep subconsciously expecting Infi to hold half of my being. And that's not how it works.

Jay. I am not you, not in that sense.

You were born from my soul, yeah. Torn out of it. But that doesn't make you literally me.

No. I am my own person, as are you. We were just sewn from the same fabric of life, if you would put it that way.

I guess so. But that's relevant too. We're both heartvoices. I keep forgetting that! I keep trying to say, "White is logic, White is structure and coldness--"

That's myopic nonsense, kid.

Yes, yes it is, and thank you for saying that! Because it isn't, I don't know where I got that idea--

The Plague, probably.

Probably? That sounds just like what we know of it.

Yeah, that's what I meant. But go on, Jay. Sorry Chaos.

It's fine.

Oh, um, I was saying that I misunderstood White entirely. And then I thought about it, and I realized, "hey, a lot of this emotional depth still feels Red, why is that?" But then I realized that "hey! I STILL hold Red"--

It's still in you.

Everyone keeps interrupting me, this is hilarious.

Sorry.

That's okay, it really is funny. Anyway. Rainbow slots. Laurie, I remember reading you joked something about that in that entry of yours, months ago.

Heh, yeah, I did. I said "forget this monochromatic system and let's just get two rainbow slots up in here." Guess we did, huh?

They always were. We just failed to realize it.

Really?

Yes.

Hey, 11/11 at the bottom of the page.

Well that's a good sign if I ever saw one.

Gone now, but it's a good sign. Go on, Infi.

Should you?

You want me to?

Yes. Explain the colors.

Oh, oh yeah! White is a combination of all light colors. Hence my prism thing. And Black is a combination of all pigment colors, hence… something. Infi I don't know if you have anything that matches that.

It feels like him now.

What, really?

He's radiating the same energy. I told you that's what he was missing.

Catharsis?

Not so much that, but the ability to feel catharsis.

Emotional healing.

Is "catharsis" even the right word?

Isn't it?

I guess it just has a bad-red energy signature to it. "Bad" as in melancholy. Like it was too tied to sacrifice or something.

Makes sense. That was Cannon's thing.

I think she started it, so that makes sense.

We can redefine it.

We can, you're right. But I like Compassion more.

I do too.

Good, we're making progress. Now are you two going to kiss and make up, or do I have to push him over there?

"Make up," Laurie?

Don't you freakin' tease me, you know right well what I mean.

If you want a makeout so bad, you can stick around.

For heaven's sakes why does everyone tease me for that.

Because it's funny.

Sorry Laurie.

Kid, you didn't say anything, I'm peeved at these two lunatics.

Oh, didn't balloonshop have a thing with that?

Spilling the juice, all over his shirt.

Why does that make me think of Markus?

I think we all joked about that at some point.

Probably. Geez. Is it weird that I "miss the old days" when I never really lived them? Like I don't know what the old hangouts were like. But part of me "misses" that camaraderie in a sense that it's missing. Does that make sense?

Yes.

I think CZ misses them as much as you do, man.

Most likely, yeah! You guys were all close buddies.

You're included, you know.

And Genesis.

We forgot to invite him again.

Haha, dude, I didn't know this was happening, otherwise you can be sure I would have dragged him in.

Jay?

Yeah Inf?

Do you remember?

Remember what?

What you need to.

Which was…?

What you are. This.

…

Is that a yes?

That is a very big yes. You are being very mischievous.

Sorry. That tends to happen in these situations.

Slipping?

No. More like… that's the energy resonance that is there.

Eros?

Wait, what are you two talking about?

Red energy. Eros is still there, holding the stuff the previous Jay chucked into the splinter bin, and messed up that slot a little.

Is that what happened to it?

I think? Essentially. Yeah. Not sure when, but it did break off. But it's not exclusive to him. Problem is the role of it is his, and he's still messed up by the old Pink stuff, the Tar stuff. And we need to get that out of him, and tell him to share, the RIGHT thing, not the misconception. Sorry, I'm rambling. Stream of thought.

No, that makes sense, kid. Has anyone spoken to him recently?

He was involved in the last few hacks.

…Shoot, I forgot about that.

He's that badly misaligned?

Guess so. How the heck do we fix that though? Do we fix it?

No. We just need him to realize the truth.

Which is, that said stuff isn't relevant or true anymore. Never was, but hey, someone apparently thought it was at some point.

Trauma. Trauma does that, it makes you believe things that aren't real.

So you realize that stuff isn't real then?

Which stuff?

You know what I mean. The sexual stuff. The misinterpretations and false meanings. You realize you're not obligated to do that, ever, but it's not evil, and it's not exclusive to that physical level, right?

You mean the energy truths.

Yeah. You talked about this with Infi, you know what it is.

But you're asking if I realize that the abusive stuff isn't the truth of it.

Obviously. Because I know you project that stuff onto everything even vaguely related to relationships when you're not careful.

I'm not doing that now, Laurie I'm separate from that mindset, you realize?

…You are, really?

Yes, really, you don't need to preach to me.

Sorry.

It's all right, I know that would have been necessary for the other ones. But I'm not involved in the trauma things at all. That's why I exist, I was born from the resets so I could be separate from that, but that's why I had to start over with everything. I needed to be able to… re-stabilize into relationships, and love, and affection, and everything that's a facet of love really, without that taint to it. Without that misconception. And it required a total rehaul in order to happen I guess. But that's why I'm missing so many memories! And there are huge gaps. Because I wasn't allowed to hold that stuff, it wasn't mine, it's not supposed to be mine.

But you're not blind to it, are you? Because that's doing the white-hats thing again. Taking sides. Seeing absolutes instead of the whole picture.

Remember the rainbows, Jay.

Oh! Sorry, I didn't quite say that, did I. My core is a rainbow, not a white orb. Genesis was teasing me about that earlier, actually. About how my heart light is many colors, not just pure white. Because the "pure white" thing was too tied to the "spotless virgin" thing of my youth, which was innocence tied to ignorance, and virginity isn't bad but when it's tied to hate and fear and loathing of everything that isn't then you have a problem. And I had that for a while. But now I've got a bigger picture gaze, and yeah I do see that and there IS still a lot of healing that needs to be done, which we're working on…

Whoa whoa whoa, wait. Where is the healing that still needs to be done.

Empty reactions, just… disgust? Outright rejection. Not hate, but close to it. Not apathy, but close enough as a result of throwing it off to the side. Like I know that in this world, sexuality can be used to show love, in a creative context. That's how it works with physical bodies, it's not exclusive to that, love isn't tied to sex, but it can be expressed that way, that I know, that's a fact. Problem is, it's the black and white thing from the past few years all over again, so many of the old thoughts and fears are tied to abuse and nothing but that it's strongly colored all those perceptions somehow? Like I can't even look at loving parents without that part of the brain going, "that's disgusting, I hate them, let's not even look at them." And that's sad, to not be able to look beyond that because of self-loathing and regret and bitterness and rage and fear. Which causes the intrusive thoughts I think. The damage causes a sort of tunnel vision. It sees it everywhere.

Kid that makes a hell of a lot of sense but that's not what we're talking about.

Isn't it relevant though?

We've said it a hundred times before though, that's the problem.

Oh. Except not all of it.

No, not all of it, but… sorry. What I mean to say is, let's not turn our focus entirely to reiterating things that we know to be true on some deeper level, and let's talk about that deeper level.

Those scared parts don't want to. They're scared.

Why the heck are they scared? Of what?

Let me ask. …Same thing. Perpetual fear.

Ah. Kid, just ignore them. Tell them it won't happen, and chill the heck down.

They say, "how can you be sure."

Because I'm involved, and I would never do that sort of thing to anyone.

Do you trust him? …Yes, I trust him completely. …Why, well why not? Listen, if you give love, you get love back. The Universe runs on it. Yes, I know people can hurt people. But not up here, not in here. And Infi's here, he won't let anything bad get in either, okay?

Kid, how many people are in your head.

A few? Like five, at least.

Sheesh, and they're all traumatized?

No, just… some of them are. It's the core-ghosts, really? I think? The main one's a girl, looks like Jewel, but isn't. Maybe it's a part of herself she left behind.

Makes sense. Can they do that?

I guess so. I wouldn't know.

So she's the scared one?

Mainly. Cannon is full of rage and loathing instead of fear. Jayce… the Gen guy, he's still around--

Wait, really??

Yeah. But he's the bad White, if that makes sense. He started off good, but then somehow got stuck with all the 2010 hate and stuff. So he's actively ignorant. And that's not good, I wish he'd either heal from that or leave because he gives off a very uncomfortable energy.

I'd imagine so. So who else is with you up there? You said five.

One little remnant of the previous red guy, the previous J. Just a fragment though. Don't worry, Chaos, he said he "gave me his memories," so whatever is still true and needed from them will live on. I guess that's what I need to tune back into.

Kid, you were saying about colors, something with red. Get back to that.

Okay. Oh, but lastly, last person up here is probably "Spinny" but she isn't even a person anymore, just a fading bunch of programming.

Makes sense, she wasn't much of a person anyway. Get talking.

True. Kind of hijacked other people. Anyway, red. I was saying my core is a rainbow. Like it should be, Infi yours is more iridescent, that's why I got confused. I couldn't see it for a while.

Because of the Tar. It was muted for a while.

…Are you okay now?

…Yes. I know I am. The Tar still exists, but it doesn't touch me. It doesn't. And the Plague doesn't touch you. Keep that in mind, Jay. Remember that.

I will. I promise. …But the rainbows. It's because we're group slots, Black and White. We hold the cores, Infi and I, but the actual colors hold everything else, like…

They're part of everything else.

Better. Yeah. Part of, not separate from, not greater than. So I realized that inside my heart, there's all colors, red and green and orange and violet and everything, and when I remember that, I don't feel lost at all. It's like all these missing pieces of myself that I just wasn't looking at. I was out of tune with myself. So when I feel that, it's like… like even if the memories aren't mine, of the past, even if I wasn't the literal person experiencing that, all those pieces are still in here. All the good and truth, all the love, all the meaningful things that transcend memory and direct experience. Everything real. It's all in here, all these pieces from other people, all of them, left behind like presents or bits of a daisy chain, from one core fronter to another. All the people in the bloodline, when they die or move on, they're never really gone. They leave part of themselves for the next person to pick up, and live, and love. And so that's the real bloodline. It's not blood or scars or pain. It's light. It's all this light in here, all this love, all this color. And that's all of us, too. I think that's what the Spectrum means.

…Kid, that's beautiful. Print that out and keep it somewhere.

I will. That literally just happened. I spoke and it happened. I like when that happens. Is this poet mode?

Holy swords, is it??

I've never seen this before.

Infi, your creepy grins, why are they. Why are you grinning like that. It feels like maybe you're slipping. Is that because it's late?

…No. I am slipping. I think I forget my rainbows too.

Where are yours from?

All of you. Maybe your cores too. Your past ones. I was taken from you, but… I'm not sure where all this color comes from. …The Tar keeps trying to mute it out.

How?

Like ink over paint.

Eesh. That's not good.

No, it isn't.

Infi, remember, you're chandeliers and piano keys and starry skies. You're… black velvet, and closing your eyes for a kiss, and churches with the lights turned off. You're midnight and morning under the sheets and the color of a promise made when… time. I don't know. Promises made when time doesn't matter and you don't bother to check the clock because the moment is infinity anyway. Infinitii. You, really. Geez, I've never written a poem about you, I really should.

December 23rd, kid, turn that light over here.

Chaos.

…Wow, I felt that.

Did you? Shoot, let me move then, Jay you sit the heck down over here, I hate seeing you people across the room from each other.

Okay, hold on, Laurie that means you have to sit next to Infi.

Heck no, that's not mandatory, I'm staying on this side.

See, this is what I meant about the real innocence.

Because this has colors. It's white but it's not white with spots of color in it. It is the color, the white. Run it through a prism and it explodes… into a rainbow. I don't know how to put that feeling into words.

I felt it.

Good, I forgot you're an empath, I don't know how, it's beautiful. You just pick stuff up. Is that 'cause you're water?

Why?

Because. Water. drops in the ocean.

Uh-oh, there goes the capitalization.

Stop breaking the fourth wall, love!

Stop talking to me with your eyes closed, dude, and go back to poetry! I'm just the audience here.

Oh, so that's the fourth wall. Okay. I'm halfway between sleep. Help me anchor.

Rainbows.

Rainbows. And waterfalls. Oh! Rifle recoil, oh my gosh, oh man, dude, I forgot about that. Snow and rainbows. Raindrops. You remember that night. Years ago.

Was that yours?

Memory?

Yeah. Is that yours?

It's mine, in this sense. My heart sense. Not in the "I lived it there" sense. More of, I know that sense. How do I explain it… I have no first-person memory. But that doesn't matter, because the entire feeling of that event is mine. Jewel lived it. But the love that was in her heart is my love too. And maybe I was the snow. Maybe. But I was there all along, the core, part of the pieces. Backwards. I don't know, words don't work.

You were always there, because you were born from the same thing they were all born from. Love.

Yeah. The System core thing. The good thing. Best thing. Isn't that funny, even Cannon was born from it. Spinny too. But they were scared, I think. They still loved though.

Spinny went through Jewel, I think.

Partly. But she parroted things. She was trying to love though, but she intellectualized it, ironically. She didn't feel it. It's not important now.

I guess not.

It isn't. She lived, and had her meaning, and had her being too. Even if she's gone now. Her piece was left too. And now it's me. Sorry, I feel like I'm off topic.

Raindrops.

Yeah. …You're a raindrop. In the ocean. You're an ocean. In the sky. In… chaos. Terrestrial spheres. The idea that the universe was in a bubble. Surrounding the Earth. Infi that's you. And… when it rained, it was from that bubble. All held inside it. I think. But when you went outside the bubble there was space, but not really space, it was… like infinity or something. Wow this is relevant. Think I should look into this more?

Please do.

Good, tomorrow, research effort. But not now. Not now. Not now.

…Jay, you okay?

Yeah. Just… anchoring back in a little, a lot, you know. A lot but it feels like a little. I'm off topic.

…

You're the topic. Not Infi, not Laurie. Not tonight. But that's ironic, because love is love, and everyone's in it, even them, but so are we, and…

Jay.

Yeah?

Don't feel guilty about that. I know you love them. So do they.

Yeah, but that's not the point, kid, stop downplaying your own love!

You're like a cheerleader, from the sidelines.

Or the freakin' coach. Stop running in circles and get to the point.

…The point isn't in words.

Then don't say anything, Jay.

Words aren't my native language anyway.

I know. Words are beautiful but unnecessary. That's funny. But I guess in a sense, necessity doesn't mean importance? Does it? No. Words aren't… you don't need them, to speak. But they're beautiful anyway. And they exist. It feels like a bigger truth about creation. God experiencing God. Let's see how many different ways we can say love. How many different languages we can speak that one truth in. How many. I'm missing one.

Missing one?

Yeah. I'm using words as a crutch, man, I'm scared.

Of what?

Of…

…

Just let me hold you for a minute and see if it goes away.

You're trying too hard.

Oh, okay, that helped. No hidden intentions. None of that. Please.

Jay, what do you mean, hidden intentions?

I mean… geez, I'm projecting. Fears of other people. Not you. I'm not afraid of you.

You're not?

No! Geez, Chaos, why in heaven's name would I be afraid of you?

…You were, once.

…This morning?

Yesterday. You do remember. Was that you?

Not me, right now. I mean, it wasn't the me I am now. But it was someone. They were afraid of you when you get angry. I can see that now.

Are you?

No, no. I know you. When you get angry you slip a little. That sort of angry, at least. It's nothing to be afraid of. You went Perfect, once. Years ago. Miserere. That time. Would you believe some of those memories are mine?

How?

First person. Snapshots. I wasn't there, but… I can see things from first person, here and there. Mostly all one moment, event, scenario. Standing in front of the cathedral window, before it became wings. You, in the city, and the sorrow in Jewel's heart. I can feel that. She loved you, I love you, even in that image. There's nothing to be afraid of. And Markus sending us into your mind while Ryman held us safe, so we wouldn't die. So you wouldn't die. And this sudden, clear image, of this small dark place, inside that giant monstrous mind, of you, noticing us, in tears, running to us, embracing us. That's all. And that's everything. Does that mean anything?

Everything. …You just erased a lot of the doubts I had.

About what, dear.

About you. About you being you. I'm sorry.

Don't be, Chaos, don't be. It was relevant. You had every reason to doubt.

And every reason not to.

Well, at least we can both see that now, from our own positions. But we needed that to get to here.

I guess so.

We did. We needed all of it to get to here, otherwise we wouldn't be here, after all that.

…

I'm happy to be here. December 24th. Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve, you dolt.

Still. Happy Holidays. Winter Solstice. Death and rebirth. Snow and fire. Christmas lights and icicles. You know, that's the feeling of this season, it's one of love. That's why I'm glad our anniversary is on the 23rd. It fits right into this celebration. Day before Christmas Eve. God-the-23rd-of-December.

There is no morning after?

Oh but there is, except it doesn't lose anything for being the morning after the 23rd of December. It lingers, man, it lasts forever, that’s what love does. Even when things get dark. Even on the October 29ths and the January 17ths of the world. And both of those days aren't ever forever dark either. It's just a day. Just a moment in time. Maybe it was dark once. Maybe you were dark once. But I love you, even with that, just with that, it doesn't matter when it comes to love. Except it does. Every piece of you matters, like a cathedral window.

Like a creature from a cathedral window.

You remember that poem, huh?

'Course I do. Written around a campfire.

Dude, it was!! I almost forgot about that-- are you crying?

Yeah.

You taught yourself to cry, so you could cry.

Catharsis.

How long ago was that?

The learning, or the catharsis?

Both.

…Ten years. When I met you. I learned a lot.

You met Jewel, but you also met me.

You were her. You are her. And she is you, and he is you, and they all are, and I don't know how I felt I ever lost you. I'm sorry.

Dude, it's okay, I kind of lost myself too for a while.

But you're new. And you're still you.

Funny how that works, huh? Chaos, those two are still watching.

I don't care.

Good, because I'm not leaving.

Should I move closer?

Not yet, Infi, we don't need your help with this this time.

Good. It means a lot to hear that, Chaos.

Afterparty, dude, Genesis said to invite him.

Haha, Genesis can wait, his day's in February!

February 1st, yeah. And again, I know what that meant. I was there too. Dude! That's what it means. That's what it means!

What?

Love. Dude. That's what it means. I can-- I can see it all, all those things I thought I regretted, this picture-- this, that one. 063011. Pink. You know what that means.

Pink?

Love and affection. Truth. We knew what it meant. We got confused. Laurie, you knew!

No kidding I knew, I talked you out of suicide for heaven's sake!

I love you too, for that, thank you so much, I love you anyway, for everything.

Kid, please, this isn't about me. Yeah it's about love, but focus it on the blue guy for the first time in heaven knows how long.

It's been a while.

Yeah. Linearly, maybe. But that's what I meant. I am that love. I'm not… Eros' name got tied to that and confused. But it wasn't him, not as he is now. I… that's my job. That's our job. That's everyone's job, that's a group slot…

But you're the protector of it.

Yeah. I guess that's what it feels like to be a Guardian, in Dream World. Wow. So much more understanding there now. But still. Not this. I'm going in circles, love, I'm sorry.

You didn't let go though. That means something.

It means a lot is what it does.

…

…

…If you were waiting for a sign…

Dude, are you really, are you really saying that.

Yes. You're grinning, was that yours too?

One of the best ones. One of the clearest ones, Chaos, you do know that… that moment was… the barriers were down. The barriers were down! It was crazy, your eyes, I could see them, and… I swear it was as if you were right there, right there. It's my memory. It's my memory. It feels like the first memory I ever really had. When the walls were down. When the… when everything was real. When doubt didn't exist. Just you.

You and me.

Yeah, I keep forgetting myself in those moments, don't I.

I don't.

…Somehow that means more than I can put into words.

Then don't.

"Shut up and kiss me," right?

Please.

Okay. ...Okay.

…That was just like the first time. Just like it.

Does that make up for all the months I didn't talk to you?

No.

Good. We'll work on that.

Jewel… Jay, both of you, all of you.

Jay. It's Jay now. But I'm listening.

Jay. Jay, love. It doesn't make up for all of it. …But there's nothing to make up for anymore.

What do you mean?

What do I mean, I-- that felt like 2012 all over again. It was dead.

Well, yesterday did feel like Easter, so.

Laurie, don't, you're crying too.

Always, dude, you two punch like a truck.

Like Optimus Prime.

Yeah, that's a pretty heavy hit there. Right through the walls, guys.

Jay just dismantled them, slowly.

Infi, you approve of that?

Greatly.

Good, you got creepy-eyes' approval. Go on.

I said there's nothing to forgive because he didn't do anything wrong.

You said "make up for," not forgive.

…Same thing, in the end. I almost hated you, at one point. Almost. But I hurt so much. I didn’t know how to deal with it.

So you left.

You remember that?

I remember standing under an apple tree, and Genesis telling me you and Xenophon were staying in Parnassus. And I remember the shock of hearing that, but that's it.

You probably don't even remember not talking to me.

No. But I'm clearly aware of it, that it happened. Out of fear. Out of fear, real fear, that "I" was too afraid to let go of, because… I don't know why, actually. It makes no sense, that clinging to fear when it's not really there.

The brain won't take that chance, and it's scared of letting its defenses down in case it does get hurt again.

But there was no risk of being hurt again. Especially not with him.

Brain doesn't know that. Heart does, not the brain.

You slipping, Laurie?

No. Just choked up is all. Keep talking.

Chaos?

…There's nothing to forgive. Not really. Neither of us did anything wrong here.

You got lost is all.

Yeah. Not anymore though.

Let's hold on to this, please, the reality of this. Let's stay on this road and not wander off into the thornbushes again, because they hurt.

They did.

Have I mentioned that you're coming through extremely clearly tonight? Which is surprising as I couldn't see anyone earlier.

Really?

Yeah. But there you are. Clear as day. Thank you for not holding onto that tarry stuff.

I know. When you said you were afraid of me, yesterday, part of you… I was scared too. I remember what that was like, to lose myself in that. I didn't want that happening again.

But you remember, I loved you even when you were like that.

I didn't realize that then. Or I blinded myself to it.

He was pretty messed up, really. S'why I was so dead-set on getting this fixed today. You were both in a really bad state of mind.

Would you say we're in a better state now?

Well yeah, and honestly I think we have mister purple-star to thank for that too, at least a little.

Markus gets his due.

I'm glad they showed up today. I mean, of all days, that was perfect. It helped.

Everything matters. You taught me that.

Me?

Yes. You. All of you, all of the past yous. You helped change a lot in me.

Well… I was only a catalyst, I guess.

Yes, but you gave me this. And that was the biggest catalyst.

…Of?

Of a lot of things. Of this. Of realizing that I was loved, and what that meant. It changed things.

Love usually does.

…I always feel crushingly humble when people point that out. Why is that?

You don't want to admit that you can be that significant, kid.

Why?

"We fear our own brightness." You would embrace me, Jay, but why not yourself? Why do you fear that?

…Is it fear?

What else would it be, if not love?

Hm.

…Why are you afraid of being important to me?

I'm afraid it's pride. Arrogance. Self-promotion. It's not.

Then why're you afraid of it, kid?

What she said.

…Accusations?

Don't listen to them.

They have some roots. But I will let them go.

Please do. You are important. There's nothing wrong in that.

Everyone is important.

That doesn't make you any less so. Who else has done what you have, for me?

…You know what, it's joy. And the fear thinks it's pride.

Why?

Because. Because I love you, so much, and some part of me still thinks that if I get that, then…

Whatever bloody programming tells you that you're not allowed to have that kind of joy can just go back to hell where it belongs, please and thank you.

That's quite a juxtaposition of words.

Hey, I gotta be nice, kid. Point is that's garbage. Absolute garbage. Just because you love him, and he loves you back, doesn't make it a crime. Whoever made that asinine "rule" was entirely freakin' stupid. That's not how it works. You are ALLOWED to love and be loved, kid, there is nothing selfish about sharing that.

I know. My heart knows that.

Brain doesn't, though?

Sometimes it doesn’t. Not before. But now.

Do you believe it?

No.

Good. Toss that lie aside, tell your brain it's false, give it evidence to the contrary.

We are.

Then don't bloody listen to it if it says otherwise! If it's not paying attention to the obvious, it's not worth listening to anyway. Listen to your heart, kid, that's where the truth is and you know it.

You know, it's funny, hearing you say that, when you used to be an axe-swinging tough guy.

Used to be? Kid, hand me a weapon and I'll be that person again in a heartbeat. Doesn't make me any less of a nice guy though. I'm fully aware of love and light and all that fuzzy stuff even when I'm swinging an axe around my head, capisce?

Capisce.

Good. Now get back to whatever the heck you were doing.

It's 3AM, Laurie.

Is it? Well, we estimated 4, so we've got another 60 minutes, give or take.

Laurie.

What?

What are you waiting for?

I'm not waiting for a thing, kid, I'm just glad we managed to fix this a heck of a lot faster than we used to.

I told you, it didn't feel like Jay had the same blocks he used to.

I don't think I'm capable of those anymore.

Good. Hey, this Julie's favorite song?

Yeah, it's lovely.

Julie? Really?

Yeah. That's kind of a good thing to remind you of, do the Spectrum slot thing tomorrow with her. She really wants to be Pink officially.

She can't be scared though, it told her that.

Neither can you.

I'm not.

Are you? Make sure. Subconscious counts.

I'll get it out.

Do it, then. For both of them. If anything is holding them back from their full potential, root it out. That's your job, I think. Is it?

Yes.

Cool. No, really, Chaos, I'm not expecting anything. You two just do whatever.

Why do you watch?

Oh, now you're gonna grill me, great. I told you that ages ago. You two mean a lot to me. I see a lot in you.

You could experience it yourself, you know.

…This isn't about me.

Then it’s about…

Seeing that in you. Kid, guys, listen. I don't want to be a part of that, not now, not today. It doesn't mean any less to me to be an innocent bystander. Doesn't mean any less. Because that resonates, you two, whether I admit it or not. That catches me and it brings me in with it. Even when I used to have walls up. That's where all the cracks came from over the years. Just wearing me down with love is all. And that means a lot. So thanks, for not kicking me the heck out when I set up a chair in your room, for heavens sake, how brazen can I get.

I don't mind.

Yeah, you never mind, that's the point. Here's this incredibly private thing, between the two of you, and yet it's not any less private or intimate or real because someone's watching. That's big. You don't hide anything, and that's why the voices in your brain telling you you're being "selfish" are heartless liars, because I'm telling you kid, you're still a spiritual experience for me, both of you, because of that. You're open as the sky itself, and you're full of stars, and I'm honored that I get to see that. But it makes me feel small as anything, until you remind me that hey, I'm part of that too, aren't I? And now I'm getting poetic, great, watch Infi dive into this and then it's all going up in smoke. You know, the thurible kind. Postcards.

Why would that make you feel small, Laurie?

Wrong sort of small. Not the insignificant sort, it's… more like, "wow, look at how much life there is out there." It's the small feeling you get of being just one tiny infinitesimal part of the whole picture.

But you're still part of the whole picture.

Yeah. Isn't that funny? One speck, one tiny purple speck on the horizon is all I am. But somehow the whole thing would be missing something without me. And that goes for every single speck there ever was. Every one. I guess that's what I see when I look at you both, somehow. Like how the heck did this happen. We're a trauma system, at least at the onset we were, and Chaos is an outspacer, walked right on in from a video game, Jay loves you with his entire heart, and vice versa-- kid's got his identity reset how many harrowing times, we're splitting realities here, you've never even heard each other talk and yet man you're in love. And I don't know why that feels like every little thing matters forever but it does. It does. And that means a lot to me, there you go, poetry from Laurie.

I appreciate that, love.

I could make it worse.

Don't you freakin' dare, all I do is cry around you, that's not poetry.

Yes it is.

…Well I stand corrected, but still, no dice. Not tonight, bubble-boy.

Or girl.

Or both, that's another thing about this, is that gender doesn't even matter. Ever. Or species. I mean it's great, but it's hilarious, because what the heck even is Infi, and yet you're both still macking on him. Or her, or whatever.

I like "whatever."

Good, then you can be whatever. Literally so.

Hehe.

Sorry, now I'm the one off-topic.

No really, I'm just absorbing all this, it's wonderful really.

We haven’t had a night like this in a while.

It feels like you've been missing. There was a hole in my heart. Odd as it sounds.

I understand.

You're talking ocean language.

I am.

AP is really struggling to translate you, you know.

Is he?

That was better.

AP, don't try so bloody hard.

It's doing a good job.

…

It's not going to be able to translate that though.

We got an ellipsis.

I'd speak in ellipses, if I could.

Ellipses are the best.

You two, I swear. You're amazing.

No less than you.

If you say so, love.

You two aren't even kissing and I feel that radiating.

Good.

It always radiates.

That's what I mean. Infi, you think we should leave them the heck alone?

No, you get over here.

What?

…?

Yes, you.

You would include me?

Yes. It's the 24th, not the 23rd. Jay and I will be together later anyway.

We share a room, of course we will be.

Exactly.

But you would include me, in this.

…Yeah, I don't mind. CZ, don't look so hesitant.

I only ask because… you mean it?

Including you?

All of it.

…

That's untranslatable. "Heart says yes," basically.

Thank you.

No problem love, I speak ocean.

Do you speak sky.

Teach us.

That was close enough.

Okay, I might actually have to bail if this keeps up.

Why, Laurie?

The atmosphere of adoration in this room just went through the roof and I am not ready for that.

Really?

Really. I mean, wow, CZ. That is potent stuff. You guys are just… you're glowing over there. Fireworks. I'd get torn to pieces if I got too close.

Or would that just be your walls?

…

Don't identify with them, Laurie. They're not you.

Yeah, but come on, Infi, y'get close enough to you and it hurts enough to feel like your heart really is getting torn to shreds.

There was a quote like that, once. "I want to break myself until I am whole." That's one.

…

And another. Something about… I don't know. It's just a feeling. Laurie…

Yeah?

Um. How do I put this into language. Can I.

You don't need to, kid.

Maybe not, but I'd like to. You know, the closest thing I can only ever get to that feeling is Chaos' song title. The old one, that I didn't even give him, go figure. "Open Your Heart." How fitting is that, really.

Kid, I told you that stuff goes backwards for you. I still firmly believe what you have now had an effect on what happened back then.

Probably.

Things echo.

I have faith in that too. Remember how I reacted to Sonic Generations. Different thing, maybe, same principle. I don't know. It feels similar enough.

"It felt as if I had loved you forever, and I just had to remember what that felt like." I remember. Something along those lines. I'd say that's relevant tonight too, kid.

It is.

More ellipses. Chaos, you feel like the ocean, just infinite depth all the way through, it's beautiful. Infi, you are weirdly similar.

He's space.

Space?

It's black. Space ocean.

Ah. Different sort of infinite depth.

Think of the night sky, Laurie. You too, Jay.

I am, I am, that's why I'm headed towards the door.

Are you really?

…Kid, it's 3:20 in the bleeding morning, this can't go on forever.

Maybe not, but moments are infinite.

…You are trying so freaking hard to get me over there, aren't you.

On the contrary, we aren't trying at all, Laurie. We're just being. You're trying too hard.

To do what, eye-boy?

To not try.

…

You do this often, Laurie. You put up your own walls.

Yeah, no kidding. …You know what, fine, move over.

Really?

Yeah. Five seconds, that's it, if I collapse in tears, you are to blame, thank you very much.

Fitting, Laurie.

Yeah, don't laugh at me, this isn't easy for me, okay?

I appreciate your honesty though.

Don't hit on me, featherface.

I don't have any feathers.

I'm calling you names so I don't have to admit that I'm actually terrified of you, okay? I always laugh in the face of death. Doesn’t mean I'm not scared of it.

And why are you scared of me, Laurie?

…Because for heaven's sakes I can't hide anything around you. No one can. And when I'm around these two...

What?

I just… I'm so used to being your ironclad protector. Steelhearted black knight, no one gets through this armor, I'll kick the castle doors down. But no one got in. What the heck, Infi, do you invalidate language too now or what??

Not invalidate. Just make unnecessary.

…Yeah. I guess so.

Don't try so hard, Laurie. Let go.

I'm scared to, confound it all.

…

…Kid, don't-- don't do that.

What?

Just… you're not even bloody doing anything, what am I saying. Why the heck am I closing off now.

You said it yourself. It hurts.

Yeah, no kidding, Sherlock. Don't get him in here, I will seriously flip a table.

He knows not to walk in. Unlike you, love.

Hey, you gave me permission, you moron.

I know. Just lightening the mood a little.

…That does help. Why the heck does that help.

Trust? It feels like trust.

It does.

All right, fine. I trust you guys. Infi, turn it up to eleven hundred or whatever the heck you do.

…Here, let me move.

But-- then you're--?

Yeah, but I'd better get used to it.

Don't. Don't do that.

Yeah, sorry. Wrong choice of words.

Don’t ever get used to it.

…Don't think that's possible, man, either way.

Probably not.

…Are you writing this down.

Nope, the AP literally stopped for a minute there.

Good. Tell it to close this up.

Right now?

Not yet, hold on.

Why, what the heck are you going to do?

Nothing harmful, nothing dangerous. I am no threat to you, Laurie. Not at all.

…Yeah, I know. I think that's why I'm scared.

Geez, love, you and I really are in the same boat with that stuff.

Yeah, and you let it go with this, so why the heck don't I?

Because I have… I've been through more with this? I guess?

More experience.

For lack of a better word, yeah. I've got people who just… make armor completely unneeded. Unwanted. I don't know how to put it into words. Me and Chaos. You know what we're like, really, like this.

Water and… what are you, now?

…Reflections. Dancing on the water. I can be with everything now.

Good. That's great.

Wow, I don't think I've seen that much joy in a while.

I used to burn things, Laurie. Now I don't. I can feel the difference.

You won't burn yourself away anymore.

…I won't. No, this is better than that. Infinitely better.

…

…Chaos, I love you, did I tell you that today?

Not in words.

That wasn't spoken either. Laurie, you're right, let's close this, CZ here is being gorgeous and speaking in waves instead of words. I'd love to record it but that's only going to happen if the AP isn't sharing the conscious channel.

Infi is giving me really weird looks, yeah let's close this up.

So quickly, Laurie?

Dude, you are not going to kiss me, I will leave this room.

I'm not going to kiss you unless you ask.

Yeah, that's the problem, you make that totally a-okay with everybody and then asking doesn't become taboo anymore, that's why I'm closing this up.

Hey! That's the thing I thought of earlier. I wanted that to be a-okay with everybody. Like it wasn't just some romantic thing. That would be nice.

It would be.

You're still not kissing me.

Yeah, she's still waiting on Genesis.

That is--  no, we're not doing a bloody thing, that is an injoke and it is staying an injoke.

I'm just messing with you, Laurie.

I'm not so sure in these situations, Chaos, geez.

Let's not tease Laurie about that, she can do whatever she wants to, or wants not to do.

Thank you. So are we closing this?

…Yeah, let's close it.

Don't you start.

Already did, sorry.

Don't even, Jay, no.

You're smiling!

No kidding I'm smiling, you're adorable, but no. Not like this.

Yeah, see that's the thing, guys. Laurie isn't like me. She only kisses people if it's extremely important.

Yeah, you would know.

I would know. And it is extremely important to me. So thank you.

…Pff. You're welcome, kid.

Laurie, are you blushing.

What of it?

Just… I've never seen that before.

First time for everything, man. Now before Infi makes this worse-- oh, there he goes.

Not yet, Laurie.

You're still hanging on Jay and we all know where this is going.

Not if I get involved too. Then it's impossible to predict.

Ohh dude I forgot you two were a thing now. What the heck.

What?

Just… man, there is a freaking mutual love triangle going on right next to me and you are going to want it to become a square, I know you guys.

Didn't Genesis say to invite him to the afterparty?

I swear, if you bring Genesis in here, I am going to kill you.

How?

I did promise.

…Fine, fine. But close this bloody thing first, it is far too late.

Should we wait until the morning, then?

He might get jealous of what he missed.

Two seconds, Laurie, let me see if he's awake.

…Fine. Two seconds.

…

Ohhhh what am I missing??

Genesis, you're awake??

Oh, fantastic.

Yeah I'm awake I stayed up purposely so I-- Laurie.

What.

How did they drag you into this. Infi, move over.

I asked.

You asked?

Eventually. You know how it is.

Yeah, duh, that's why I asked. So what'd I miss, really?

Gen.

Yeah?

Move over there.

But-- hey, I haven't been next to Infi yet, you can let me stay here just this once.

Then move to my left. I'm a married girl you know.

Wait, what.

Infi.

I'm joking.

No, wait-- did you two-- you three-- really??

Not yet, Gen, but probably eventually soon enough.

Whiich basically translates to January 1st is likely going to be a matrimonial ceremony this year.

Genesis, we're still debating whether or not to include you.

…What??

Well, not in that sense? But still.

Geez, you scared me!

Sorry dude.

Close enough.

That's the point. It's so close with you guys that you literally love each other enough to marry each other and yet that's not the best option in some cases.

And yet it’s the same thing.

And yet it's the same bloody thing. And you wonder why I'm scared of you people!

Oh, you're scared too? Great, the last time I had to wear a wedding dress it didn't turn out well.

Hahaha!

You remember that! Good, that joke wasn't lost then.

Was that the meme?

That was the meme. With the chainsaws.

I had to bust you out the back door.

It was epic, that was great.

Guys. 4 in the morning. Jay, go smooch your boss if you're done with the rest of us.

Mmf. Now you're making me want to, great job Laurie.

Ah, shoot, yeah I kind of dug my own grave with that one.

It's really 4AM?

Yeah dude, we've been talking for like 5 hours here. Average.

Crazy how 5 hours is average. But uh, who's smooching who?

Everyone's fair game except me.

Well I already got Chaos, so.

We could do it again.

Ssssh, but now Gen is watching.

Oh! Energy overlay. Hold on a second.

Wait, what?

Oh yeah, ages ago I said Gen has two ways of radiating his-- oh dude, we're in trouble.

Why are-- oh. Yeah, that look is trouble.

…You're not going to comment on this?

I'm speechless dude, the heck are you-- oh, oh come on, he is actually doing the trollface thing.

Pfff!

Where is your mouth.

I've got a few on my wings, pick one.

Holy swords.

Gen, I didn't know you had it in you.

Watch it waterboy, you're next.

See, this is why we need to bring him along more often.

What the heck, this is both hilarious and terrifying. Is he always like this when he does that?

Always. You have no idea.

…Aaand holy swords that is a lot of teeth.

Wow.

You gonna get a nosebleed over this, boy?

Uhh maybe. If Chaos gets involved, yes.

We might have to split up. Otherwise things might get tangled.

Tangled is good.

Not with me around it ain't.

Should we close this up right now? I'm laughing and this is awesome but really.

Yeah, that "but really" just about sums it up. You four go get tangled. I'm out.

Aw.

Really, kid, I can't-- you people are straight-up crazy, and it's awesome, but that's not something I'm getting involved with.

You'd flip the mood entirely upside down is what.

I don't want Genesis biting me, okay? I'd bleed all over the sheets.

Infi's got more teeth than he does.

Yeah, and that's kind of horrifying.

But we're on the wrong level. Gen's gotta burn off all the gold sparkles and then it's going to get deep.

That's your territory, right? That why you chatting with me while those three do whatever they're doing?

Infi'll calm them down. Chaos is hard to bring into Genesis territory, that's why they're best friends. He kind of douses that electrical fire a little.

Electrical fire? I thought Gen was air.

Not his energy, that's literally like… sparks. Chaos is water all the way around.

Ah. And Infi is stars?

He's the night. Both ways. Hence the mode shifts.

Okay, you can change the music now.

Dude, that fast?

Is this what you do, Infi?

Naturally.

How do you not get addicted to this.

There's an overdose risk.

Ah.

I'll tone it down.

Please do, it's ridiculously late.

Well Laurie, I'm off. Sorry things got kind of unraveled towards the end.

Sorry?

The end?

Yeah, guess neither of those really apply, huh.

Kid, don't be sorry, just don't you dare slip, any of you. You hear me?

Absolutely.

I'll watch everyone.

Sorry. I start off loud and then… quiet down. Infi's making it hard not to.

Good. This is my native language.

It's pretty great.

Gen, you look like you're off in another world.

Just taking this all in, Jay.

You're taking it extremely well.

Am I?

Yeah. Laurie ends up in tears when she's around him.

Hey hey hey, none of that.

Aw, really?

Geez CZ, ruin my cover, why don't you.

Nah, I could see you crying from this.

So why the heck aren't you.

I don't know. It's more of… an awestruck feeling. When I get over that I'll probably cry later, you know me. I just have a lot of sparkles to get through first.

I really should get over there. That's three people I love a lot, and I'd like to just be there. To be a part of that.

Then go, kid, I'll close this up for you.

Well I do have to duck out and see my boss really quick anyway, so. I'll close this up.

What're you smiling about?

Just my boss. He's adorable, I love him. He's so nice.

Yeah, he is. What does he do though, kiss you on the nose or what?

Forehead. I usually end up grinning like a five year old, he thinks it's great, he'll do it twice if I don't smile the first time.

That's adorable.

I know. Mmf. I'm getting all love in the fluffy direction now.

You want to bring it back the other way?

…How.

…Hold up one second.

…Would you really.

Yeah.

With them, right there.

…Yeah, why the hell not, I watch you guys enough anyway.

…So, are you waiting for a sign too, or…?

Not exactly.

Laurie. Go on.

I don't need your cheerleading, Infi.

It's not that. I understand.

…

Sorry if this is tough.

No, I… confound it.

?

Heh. Close your eyes, kid, make this a little easier for me.

…

…Kid, that's too much.

Is it?

A little.

…Laurie, you're crying.

Yeah? And what of it?

Nothing. Just the fact of it says enough.

…

…

…Come on, kid. Get your hands out of my hair, you're making me feel too much.

Sorry.

No, that's worse. But keep 'em there.

…You're so real all of a sudden.

Am I?

Yeah. I think that's what the resonance is. Love. Everywhere.

See, kid, once upon a time you thought these walls were too high to get past. Then you got a wrecking ball.

Infi?

Heh, nah. He vaporizes 'em. Not even rubble left to trudge through.

So I leave rubble, or what?

Kind of. …Nah. Forget the destructive equipment, that's Chaos' thing. You walk through 'em, kid. Always have, always will.

…This is going to sound really stupid but…

Spit it, kid.

Heh. Well… no, that's rhetorical. I already know the answer.

To what?

"Do you love me." Don't even know why I asked.

…Kid, you know I do. But I think that question was looking for a different context.

Which I don't need. I love you just as you are, just as this is.

…Is that enough?

Yeah. It's perfect.

Pink diamonds means no romance, kid. Not in this context. Red diamonds means we push the limits.

Still.

Still what?

Still, it's awesome.

Yeah, no kidding. Hey Infi, thanks man.

For?

For not taunting the heck out of me over that.

Why would I?

I dunno, I probably would. Sort of an insecurity thing, you know.

I don't see any insecurity right now.

Yeah, that's the point. You know what I mean.

I do, actually. Thank you.

Yeah, you would thank me. How bloody far back did we say we were going to close this.

Too early!

Yeah, no kidding. Someone else want to do the honors, because I fail at this.

I'll close it up.

You're practically catatonic, Gen.

I'm just saving my energy for when Jay comes over here.

Why, what are you going to do.

I dunno, not fall asleep.

Good point, it's 4… heh, 4:20, how high are you guys gonna get tonight?

Very.

High as in altitude, I assume?

Metaphorically.

…Very.

Yeah, that's unanimous.

Great. I'm out. Jay, go talk to your boss.

Will do. Guys, hold on for five minutes, please?

Tell him I said hi.

I will.

Me too.

*raises hand*

Okay, both of you too. And thank you for putting asterisks in, I was waiting for someone to do that.

Last bit of crazy for the night. Holy swords, though, this is one of the best 23rd convos we've had in a while.

It was. Not as much pain as the last two had.

Yeah, which is nice.

We done?

As far as words go, yes.

And that's the last note of our song.

"You," by Nils Frahm. Teen Daze rework.

Fitting.

I love all you guys, you're great. Chaos I hope you don't mind sharing.

It's Christmas. I'd be upset if we weren't sharing.

Last two lines on the page kid!

All right, all right, we're out, good night, much love to everybody.

There's more than enough to go around.

With you four, I wouldn't doubt that for a second.