Apologies?

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (SPINNY) CHAOS ZERO SELPH



I've been apologizing quite a lot recently.
And people aren't taking it too well.
Why?
Because I apologize for every fishing thing that goes wrong, whether it's my fault or not. Whether or not I can do anything about it, I still say I'm sorry, so terribly sorry, because if there's one thing I cannot live with it's seeing those I love hurting while I stand by, helplessly.
It's really the worst feeling in the world.
...No, scratch that. Second worst.
The worst feeling is when you know you're inflicting it upon someone else.

I remember the first time it really hit me, though. Back in 2004, I think... Yes. 2004. I knew Chaos back then. But...
I forget how it started. I forget what set it off, what I said that triggered the explosion... but it was Bakura who exploded, I think. (And even if it wasn't, he's reviewed this same point with me many times since then.)
As usual, I had apologized for something silly... something unavoidable or not even worth saying "sorry" for... and suddenly he wasn't going to hear me saying that anymore. He insisted, almost demanded, that I stop throwing the blame on myself for such things-- no matter how small, how seemingly insignificant, how accidental-- if I kept saying everything was my fault, just so I wouldn't harm someone else, then I would simply end up committing emotional suicide and causing more pain than otherwise for those I was protecting.
It was 100% true, and still is. And I promised him I'd try, I'd really try... and for quite a while, I did.
But then the habit sprang back into life. I don't even know how or when, but it did.
I think I was simply afraid of letting myself get cold-hearted.
Heh. Fat chance of that one ever happening, Jewel.
Even so... I honestly don't know what to do right now.
Maybe you should just try listening to us for once.
Oh... yeah. I--I've been trying, I really have. But you know my mind... better than I do myself, sometimes.
You kidding, Jewel? How in heaven's name am I supposed to understand you that well if you don't even understand yourself? I hate to say it, love, but even though we're insanely close, I'm still absolutely baffled by you sometimes, and I know you are as well. That's why Selphy over here is so freaking spazzed-out lately. You know how close he is to you... how close we all are... and what his life's purpose really is. That's the main reason it hurts for him.
Mm... "Know Thyself", right?
Darn right. And if I'm not mistaken, you've adopted that same frame of mind, right?
Yes, yes I have.
Then why aren't you trying harder, Jewel? Or are you, but it's not making any difference?
I-- I don't know. I am trying, but apparently it's nowhere near hard enough yet. But I am making a crazy effort.
I know you are, Jewel. Believe me, I know you are. I'm going through the same situation.
Chaos, how many times do I have to tell you, he's not you--
A-HA! You see? There's that self-ignorance again. Sweetheart, I believe you, I honestly do, but now you have to start doing the same thing for yourself. I... I've done some horrible things in the past, but-- wait, I'm not finished-- but that's the point. It wasn't me that did those things. It was some terrible, perverted side of my personality that shouldn't have even been there to begin with. Some awful demon of a side that dared to call itself "perfection." But... for years I believed he was me, although all evidence pointed to the contrary. I just believed that I was fully responsible for it... even moreso once I met you. I believed that I could control that, that I could keep it out of sight and away so I wouldn't hurt you or anyone else anymore. But of course... you know what happened.
How could I forget?...
Unfortunately. And I was nearly suicidal with self-hatred afterwards, you know that too. But you didn't give up on me: you kept telling me that this wasn't my fault-- I had done all I could do against him, and I had, but it didn't make any difference because there was nothing I could do. That thing... Perfect... he isn't me. So I'm not responsible. I just need to find a way to get him the heck out of me.
I know. I'm trying, dear. I really am. But I can't--
Hey, Jewel?
Yes?
You've got your priorities mixed up. Badly.
Priorities? What do you mean?
I mean that you keep putting me in front. You keep putting me, and Bakura, and Marik and Selph and Q and Jimmy and every other fishing person on this planet ahead of you, and then who ends up on the bottom? Jewel Lightraye. Well, that's not faring very well with me, and I sure hope it's not all fine and dandy for you, either.
...No. Not when I think of the consequences.
What, the pain it'll cause everyone else if you let yourself go like that?
Yeah.
...Geez... You know what, Jewel, you are way too freaking selfless.
I am not.
You are too. What'd I tell ya, I know you. You said the same thing yourself. And deep in your heart you know it, too. You're just too afraid... you have too little self-esteem to admit it right now. And that's not good.
I... you know what, I'm a fishing paradox. I feel absolutely worthless and I feel like I'm worth my weight in gold at the exact same time. I'm afraid of being selfish, and I'm afraid of being proud... but I'm also afraid of being ungrateful and ignorant. It fishing hurts. A lot.
I bet it does.
You're feeling the exact same thing, aren't you?
Yeah, I am. But I also know what I should be doing, and that is watching my ego while at the same time remembering that I'm worth the world to some people. Most importantly you. And you should be doing the same.
But, darling, I am. I honestly and sincerely am. I know how much worth people throw at me, tag onto me. I know how much some people look up to me, and how much others rely on me and place their trust and hopes in me. It's for them that I don't let myself die when I hit rock bottom. I get right back up, as fast as I can, and I keep on going, because I don't want to let them down. I try me absolute best to be a good person, and I'm actually starting to believe I've reached that ideal, if only to a small extent. I've been told I have. I really hope I have. But--
But you're still too afraid of jumping to allegedly "prideful" conclusions, huh?
...Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
Can I say something? Please?
Sure, Selph. Go right ahead.
Good. I want to say this out loud, with everybody here. Jewel, I've told you this many times, and I'm telling you again today. You are a good person, one of the best I've ever met. Even if you make mistakes and get angry once in a while. Everybody makes mistakes, and you know that. But you try your best not to. The key is to not hate yourself and fall into a dark hole every time you mess up. You end up taking us all with you, you know. If for no other reason, if you can't find the... the motivation to follow any other point, like what Chaos said, then do this for me. Even if you find it hard to think of yourself as being so high up there on people's opinions. Do it for me. Okay?
Selph, darling, I already promised you that. You know that.
Yes, but I wanted to hear it again. Plus I wanted to ask you myself.
Oh. All right. Well, then I wholeheartedly agree to it. I'll do my best to keep that promise.
I know you will, Jewel. You always do. But... just one more thing.
What?
I want you to try harder, harder than you've ever tried before, to permanently fix your mindset so you really do accept what we're telling you and get a little more self-worth. You need that. Oh and I want to change my text color to orange.
All right, sweetheart. I'll do both of those things for you.
You promise me? Cross your heart?
Absolutely. Cross my heart and hope to die if I don't.
Well, I don't want you to do that part.
Geez, Selph!
What?
You're just so fishing candid. It's terribly funny.
Well hey, you are too. And don't you say you're not.
All right, all right. I won't. I'll be just as crazily candid as you and I won't deny it one bit.
Good. That's what I want. Jewel already does.
Yeah, that's true. Even if we have to bug it out of her sometimes. Right?
Yeah, you're right. Even though Laurie usually does that part.
Hey, speaking of, where is she?
Over here, watching you guys talk and laughing my face off.
You find us amusing, Laurie?
Damn straight I do.
Hey, hey hey. Watch your mouth around my lady.
Fine. Same to you.
I am. Can't yell at me for that.
And you say I'm funny!
What?
Geez, this is one big conversation.
Not yet, actually. There's approximately seven hundred more people we could drag in here if we wanted.
Oh, don't you dare, dear! They wouldn't fit even if we tried!
It would be pretty fishing funny, though.
Yeah, it would. Hey-- can we get back on topic, though?
Sure. No apologizing for things you can't affect, and start thinking of yourself a little better, right?
Yeah. That's it.
It's very important.
Yes it is.
But you're going to try?
Of course I am. I promised you.
Good. That's all I need to hear, then.
Geez, Selph, you're easy to please.
That's a good thing, right?
Yeah, definitely. And it's quite amusing.
I've been told that as well.
Figures.
Hey, Jewel?
Yeah, hon?
Who's color was this before me? The orange, I mean.
Oh. Uh... that's a good question. Some other headvoice of mine who I don't know yet. I've been calling her Lynne, but I really don't know. She's kind of like a nicer version of Julie, with a personality close to mine. She shows up every once in a while to keep people on track, but I don't see her much. Maybe she's just a disjointed fragment of me, and not even a headvoice at all. I deleted that entry though, sorry...
Huh. Well, that's odd.
I hope she doesn't bother you.
No, she's nice. All my headvoices are rather nice when they want to be.
Gee, thanks.
Don't mention it, dear. But I'm just kidding. You really are a nice headvoice.
Yeah, I know. I'm just pulling your leg as well. No worries.
That's good. But anyway...
Hey, does Q know about us?
Huh? Oh, geez, Chaos. He read my last Xanga.
Oh, did he? Wait-- did he??
Yep. So he knows all about it.
Oh, fish.
You're stuck, Chaos!
Yes, I guess I am. Oh well. I guess the truth had to come out sometime.
Such was the purpose of that last entry, yes. I just didn't expect him to read it. At all. This one, a little moreso.
So I can say anything and it'll get back to him?
If you'd want to ask him something directly or the like, yes.
Aha. No, I think I'll just bug you and he can read that. Savvy?
Aye-aye, mon capitaine.
Mon amour.
Careful, Jewel, or you'll have Davy Jones in here again.
Oh geez, that was funny...
Plus you actually got him to quit smoking. Score one for the fishmonger!
Yep!
By the way it's kind of funny how you're listening to "Look Up" right now.
My WMA plays cruelly ironic tricks on me, Chaos. You know that.
I remember the music quizzes, yes. Those bordered on blackmail at times.
Yes they did.
Are you looking up, Jewel?
Huh? Oh. Yes, of course, Selph.
I hoped so. I don't want to see you sad again.
No one does, Jewel. Honestly. It hurts.
...I know. I know. It's just so fishing hard sometimes, what with life and all.
Amen.
But you're trying, right? And I'm helping?
Yes, of course you are, love! You all are! Otherwise I'd be in a mental hospital right now as well.
I really feel sorry for your brother. I wish I could help.
We all do. But there's nothing we can do at the moment, except pray.
Don't you go blaming yourself for it then, okay?
Okay, Selph. I promise.
You're making a lot of promises, Jewel, my dear.
I plan to keep 'em.
That's what counts.
And being true to yourself.
Yes, that's a major point as well.
So, uh... about the Q thing... how does he feel about all this?
Good heavens, Chaos, you're not going to lay off it until you get a straight answer, are you?
Nope.
All right, all right. Well. Let me rant and I'll give you the straightest answer I can.
Sure, go right ahead!
Fantastic. First off, then, since Q-Lok read my last entry after all, by all means he should know about my situation.
That you love everybody in the world by default, right?
Right. So automatically he knows he's included in that sense. But... I did mention that other point, that it's always different in some way.
Apparently. So what's it for him?
I'm not too sure yet. I do love him as a friend, and he does mean a lot to me, but of course you guys know I'm asexual and not into the romantic stuff, which is why I don't like traditional relationships at all.
Neither is he, though.
Right, which is automatically a huge relief for me. Those aren't easy traits to find in today's society.
Unless you're not looking at humans, y'know.
Yeah, that's a given, dear. But Q's a human.
To that certain extent.
Yes, that's true as well.
But you haven't given me a straight yes or no. Are you going to tell him about this?
Chaos, you have no idea how fishing nervous you're making me right now.
Actually, I've done worse. You know what I mean.
A-HA!
Darling, don't start that conversation up again now.
No, I won't, hon. We three talked enough about that earlier. That case is closed.
And forbidden until further notice.
That too. Oh, Jewel, you didn't mention that. You really should, before you close this entry.
Yeah, I should. Um... to all you readers, the headroom topic in my past entry is obsolete now. I also deleted it, haha.
Yeah, we didn't want people getting the wrong idea, so we've all sworn off and erased such unhinged behavior as a result.
Even me.
Yes, even Selphy-boy. Apparently Jewel wasn't hallucinating.
Sorry.
Nothing to be sorry for, hon. You said the same thing to me.
Yes, there is. I was making you feel guilty, remember?
...Oh. That's all right, though, dear. You didn't mean it.
Maybe not, but I can't ignore the consequences.
That is true. Geez, we're going in circles with that point...
That's what Q said. Get him to settle it.
You think so?
Sure, why not? Maybe he can see our whole situation even clearer than we can, being a technically outside observer.
Hm... maybe so. I'll try, if he doesn't settle the point first himself.
Speaking of settling points...
Good heavens, sweetheart! What'd I tell you? He's going to read this sooner or later.
And what's he going to find out? That we're all indecisive, spaz-headed lunatics.
Besides that, though. Jewel did settle the point.
In that lovely paradoxical way of hers, yes, but we need to teach her to say it straight.
What, that I do love him?
Whoa snap. Never mind, hon, you've got me.
Well, I did say it earlier. I do love Q, but as a friend. That's platonic, but it's close regardless.
Yes, yes it is. Except now you've probably given him a seizure.
Twice as likely, as I think I've gotten one from all this admittance.
A-ha, nice one!
You seriously had a seizure?
Oh, no, darling. It's just an expression around here. No worries.
Okay. Just making sure. I don't want anything bad really happening to you.
Ditto.
I know, dear. Don't you worry, though, I'm all right.
Good. Now you finish your homework and wait for the fireworks to go off.
What?
Fireworks. Like a bomb in your head. You know, what happens when you read something really shocking.
Dear heavens, you guys, you're acting like I'm all romantic. I'm not. I don't even like romance.
I push the envelope a little, though. My apologies, and don't you say I shouldn't.
All right, Chaos. It's not a problem.
It never is for you, is it? Thank you.
Mm-hm. It's the least I can do.
But, uh... you do love Q, right?
Not like-- what, you afraid of rivalry, sweetheart?
Just a little bit. Now that I'm deeply sorry for.
No, I understand. But you have nothing to worry about. Like I said, I love everyone a little differently. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. You, Selph, Bakura, Marik, Q, Jim, Ben, Johnny, Grievous, Davy, Barry, Godot, Midvalley, all my devWatchers, all my schoolmates, my entire extended family, all the Jewel Monsters, every soul that ever was. Of course.
Geez, that's a lot.
Yeah, it is. But I don't love anyone any less for it. It's just different levels of closeness and familiarity, that's all. Like the difference between an acquaintance and a brother or whatever.
Or a muse.
Yes, that's a given too, love.
What's Q to you, then?
Well, we're definitely not romantic, heavens no, but we're somewhat closer than friends I guess. Maybe it's that Anima/Animus thing he says we have.
Yeah, maybe. I'm sure he knows.
I do love you, Chaos.
Oh, I know you do, Jewel. Believe me, I know. And I love you just as much. I'm just... desperate, you know. Plus I'm terribly interested in your emotions, and I'll admit that. So... I get both scared and curious whenever you meet someone and get that close. I can't help it.
I know, hon. And I don't mind. I have to admit I'd do the same thing for the same reasons.
Me, too.
Yeah, you brought that point up earlier, dear. You and your innocence.
Yours, too.
I still say I don't know how you see it.
I do. Jewel does too. Just ask her.
Well, when you put it that way...
Advertising my empathic tendencies now, huh, sweetheart?
Um, maybe. But I don't think you mentioned that either.
Selph, my darling, if I went mentioning everything I haven't yet tonight, I'd never get to sleep!
Oh. Yeah, that is true. Sorry.
Back to square one we go.
Funny, isn't it?
You guys are just funny upstairs.
That's been verified already, thank you.
I don't mind. I think it's fun.
All right, and that just might have been the best reply to that question I have ever heard.
Good one for a conclusion, too.
Yes. Sleep.
Or slepp. That would work too.
Might as well. Oh, but make sure you get some Skype time in first.
I swear, Chaos, if you get attacked by Demia tonight it won't be my fault.
Just teasing you, love.
Love you too.
Undoubtedly.
Hey-- don't forget me!!
Not in a million years, Selph! I love you too!
Thank you! And I love you!
All right, now are we closing up?
We should have, about an hour ago.
Better late than never.
You can say that again.
Better late than never.
You're all insane.
Thank you.