everything is beautiful (PART ONE)

[prismaticbleed]

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS


Well guys, let's get this started.

About time. How many people are we getting in here?

As many as possible. I'm... I think I can handle it.

Forget about the bloody gender dysphoria, J. It's not you, remember? Don't let it mess around with you.

All right.

Seriously, you want everyone in here?

Yeah.

Huh. All right, sure. Let me go get them. You sure you can do this?

Just... give me a minute to re-center, actually.

Sure. Hey, this Daley you listening to?

You bet. Watch me repeat this song for the next two hours or so.

Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. Nice stuff.

It is. Honestly though, Laurie, hold up. I can't seem to get a stable connection running.

Why's that? The dysphoria interference?

Probably. It completely throws me off, every time.

Don't let it. I think that's why this instability keeps happening. You need to be stronger than it is, and you are, so stop trying to tell yourself otherwise.

All right, now you're coming through clear.

What about you though? Can you even hear yourself? Or are you still detached?

Getting better. Okay, I think I can do this now. Who's in here first?

Take a guess.

Hey!

Hey yourself. You doing okay?

Eh, kinda sorta. I'll manage. Where's Xennie?

I'm not letting her in here before I'm sure you aren't going to be hurting yourself with this.

I won't. Promise. This needs to happen, as a recap, as a starting point.

Doesn't mean you have to drive yourself to the edge for it.

He has a point.

Is that really such a big concern? Because that's surprising to me.

It's surprising to you because you never realize what danger you're putting yourself in until after it happens.

You're saying this is dangerous?

I'm saying it can easily become dangerous if you keep falling off-center while trying to channel like twelve bloody people at once.

Hm.

She's right, Jewel.

I know. But I need to be stronger too.

You're trying too hard, pun intended. Being strong doesn't mean being stiffnecked and refusing to acknowledge when you're in pain.

...Yeah, that is a bad habit of mine, isn't it.

It is.

So if you want to do this, let's do it, but don't you dare hold back if there's a problem. You tell me about it, I'll help you through it. Chaos too, am I right?

Absolutely.

Good. Now I think it's time to get the impossible kid in here, because she does help with these situations. Xennie?

Hi Laurie!

Sup kid?

N'much. Hey dad!

Hi sweetheart.

You okay?

Not really.

Yeah.

Why?

Tough stuff to deal with is all. I'll be okay, I promise. I just need to stop letting it get at me. It's kind of silly when I think about it. I don't want this to bother me, but I'm dwelling on it.

You're dwelling on it because it needs to be solved and you've been waiting long enough.

True, but I can't just snap my fingers and fix this. Wish I could, but I can't.

Hm.

But dad, you told me that's not you though.

That's my point.

Hey, can we just get the rest of this madhouse in here? This intro is taking just as long as our outros.

Yeah, let's get this party started. Genesis, get in here.

Hey!! We're talking?

Sure are, bud. Take a seat, this is going to be a wild one.

Good. I'm excited. Who else is going to be in here?

Everyone, I gather.

Everyone??

Pretty much. Depends on whether they decide to show up or not.

Maybe I should call them.

Maybe you should.

We're talking already?

There you are.

Yeah we're talking already, J-boy here is taking way too long to get this together.

Why? Is he okay?

Why does everyone ask that about me?

Because it's a legitimate concern, kid. And yeah, he's going to be okay. We're working on it.

We're talking, we're talking! Yesss!

Hi.

Hey Spine. Hey Jo.

Everyone else is being shy. Should I drag them in here?

Haha, no, I'll get them. Hold up.

Uh...

What, is she going to use force?

Hopefully not.

I told you, get your ass in here, we're talking.

...Sorry.

Leon! 'Sup bro?

Not much, hi.

Hi Jewel.

Aand that's what we need to talk about.

What?

You. Get in here, this is important.

...

Julie, you are allowed in here, you know.

I know. It's just... new.

Hey, chill out, there's nothing to worry about that.

Is there?

...Well, you know what I mean. Just relax. No use getting all worked up before the conversation even starts.

I'm not getting worked up, he is.

I'm just... nervous.

You're always nervous. Why the heck are you nervous? I thought your function had dropped that.

I-I'm not sure.

He's only spoken in two of these before, I think. And now we have some serious troubles to deal with. So that's understandable.

Hi Leon!

Hi. You're Xenophon, right?

Mm-hmm.

Haven't you spoken to her before?

Not really. I haven't... been around much. And when I am we're just in a group so I can't really talk to anyone and it doesn't get anywhere. With talking. At least.

Dude, you need to take a chill pill. Maybe two. All right, are we all in here?

Are we inviting any new people?

Heck no, that's too much stress on our boy here, we don't need extra focus burnout. A hell of a lot has happened since September. Same with Menchou, she's not in here either because she's a newbie to the crew in the extreme sense.

She's been up here before, though.

She still has no bloody idea what all the details are. She knows next to nothing about anything right now. So. Enough of the prancing around. Let's start this conversation. Jewel? Topics.

Topics, sure. Hey, by the way. If anyone wants to speak up, speak up. No one is being censored here.

We know.

All right, good. Just making sure, because I know those three have been keeping to themselves lately.

I haven't been around! I've been too busy with mirrors!

You haven't been in them lately.

Because he's been getting bad fallout and I don't want to be involved in that.

Well that's your bloody job, isn't it?

Laurie, please.

No, I'm serious. He's supposed to help you with the dysphoria hell. Where were you this morning?

Not in them. I told you, I can't deal with that all the time.

Really, don't force him, it's tough enough for me.

Jewel do you need my help?

Maybe. I don't know. I've been relying on Menchou for emergency protection but... but I do need to deal with this on my own, right now. That's why it's tough. So Laurie, it's not Natalie's fault.

And I think that's a perfect segue into our actual discussion. Natalie, or Nathaniel, what are you going by now?

Nat is fine.

No, I mean as a full name. Which one are you using?

Both?

All right, cool. But yeah, kid's back. Been back for a while now.

That... ironically I'm still dealing with that.

With what brought him back?

Yeah.

Jewel, I think you need more serious help with this.

From who though? You guys are doing all you can--

Not us. I mean therapists, doctors, those sorts of people. We're all helpless when it comes to that. I think that's the sort of help you need now.

He's been trying to get that sort of help for years now, if you haven't noticed.

I've noticed. But he hasn't been getting help. I think we need to focus more, and stop beating around the bush. If that's what he needs, we need to get that, directly.

How?

Figure it out. But that's long-term. Jewel, when did Natalie first come back?

November 18th, according to my list.

You've got a list?

Yeah, a big one.

A lot has happened since September.

No kidding!

So, the 18th. Run that recap by our readers.

Uh... that was actually after the tar and glass incident, did we mention that?

No, actually we didn't. Link it up, boy.

That's late, though. We're skipping over my lapses in September, and the burnout in October, and... and the 12th, so--

All right, all right, I get the picture. Skip to the beginning. Where'd we leave off?

I came back. To my senses, that is.

'Came back' works, in a weird way.

How so?

I dunno. Feels weird to assume she was a bitch forever, though, with what you told me about her 'creation.'

It does. Sorry. Julie, what do you remember from way back then?

Not much. I was really confused for a while, couldn't really think straight. But then all the shadow stuff happened, and... it's a blur. I don't really want to remember it anyway.

That's okay. I was just wondering.

Mm.

So she's back, Xenophon's role was figured out, and then things started happening pretty fast, didn't they?

I went to the expo is what I did.

What, after that entry? Geez, I guess you did. That was huge.

We didn't even talk about that yet??

Nope. Guess not.

Wow. We are really behind, haha!

We are. But that expo will take far too long to summarize here. Jewel, link it.

Sure. Here's the entry I wrote up concerning what I learned there.

All right. And after that?

After that... actually, during the expo I wrote up a list of things I needed to work on personality-wise, but that's a whole project in itself so maybe we should discuss those by ourselves later, Laurie.

Hey, I want to be involved in this too! Remember my new job!

You're still the reaper, Jo.

Duh, but I'm the one checking truths now too. Remember what your therapist said?

Sure do. Always check your facts.

Yeah, and that's my job now. So count me in for when you're discussing this, because I'm sick of being left out.

Good, I'm sick of it too.

Haha!

That should help me battle my dysphoria, too. See, I told you it was baseless.

Baseless in why you're letting yourself be ruled by it, that is. The cause of it is pretty solid.

Unfortunately.

Dad, it's okay, remember?

I remember, yeah. All right. Hey, speaking of, you and your other dad are the next point after the expo.

Really?

That wasn't a very positive turn of events, though.

Maybe not, but it sure helped.

Yeah. Oh, really quick, before I forget. We're going to have to put this session on pause in an hour, just so you know. Gotta run to church.

Oh yeah. Last mass of the year, right?

It is.

Type faster.

Haha, okay!

Can I come, dad?

You always do, and while we're at it, everyone else is invited because why not.

Before we get there, that's still our current topic. Those two angels over there.

...

Who, us?

You got that right.

...What threw me off back then?

"When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless."

Oh. Yeah, that was... I got pretty bad for a while there.

What happened?

I... the expo triggered my doubt problem, the ego issues and all that. I kept shooting myself down and holding myself back, even if at heart I didn't want to.

Like what?

Hold on, he's checking.

Yeah, it's a little hard to remember details... oh. Here we go. "One: I'm still trying too hard, and moving too fast. Two: I'm not trusting my own judgments and actions when I should be. I keep second-guessing myself, even now. Three: There's a lot of shadow still clinging to me as the ego. And that was the most important lesson because it stood in such stark contrast to Chaos as we spoke."

I remember that.

I figured you would.

Was that... when was this?

Beginning of October, I think.

No, that was actually September 19th.

You serious? That was before the burnout, then. Geez.

I told you we had a lot to talk about.

Guess so. Keep going.

So that was... that was me realizing who I was beneath all the fears, thanks to those two. Chaos and Xenophon. And... it took a while to sink in, but...

I almost lost you for a while.

...

That was when you couldn't see him, right.

I couldn't find him.

Even though I was right there.

That's why it hurt so much, for both of us.

...Dad?

Yeah?

That doesn't happen anymore, does it?

...

It did, once. Just once, a few days ago.

When the heck was this?

The almost-hack that brought Menchou back into active duty.

Oh. Yeah, that almost slipped my mind. Keep going, Jewel, there's a lot more to talk about before we get to that.

Okay. So all the emotional pain the end of September brought, with realizing just how lost I still was in that respect, was a huge motivation for me to start working very hard at conquering those points and becoming a better person.

Ironically.

Well geez, Laurie, I still have a lot of rough spots.

You're still a good person even with them, you know.

You are.

...I know.

But do you believe it?

Yeah, that's a concern too, isn't it?

Current one. We're still back in September right now.

That's ego doubt, right there. When I let go of it, all the fear and worry is gone, completely gone.

Then let that junk go. What's next?

Family troubles hit around the 21st, that was yet another cosmic 2x4 to the face telling me to start being more independent in case everything fell through. And that did stick. Then that night Jacob told me I'd... let me quote him. "...You'll make a great parent. You've pretty much got the basis of it down: love at all cost. Everything else follows from that. Just love hir (Xenophon) with all you have, and it'll turn out right. Related to that, you and Chaos both just impress the heck out of me where all this is concerned. I hope I can always continue loving, and showing love, the way you two do."

That's actually gorgeous.

It is. And that night I went to say goodnight to you, Xenophon, and I just ended up breaking down over how much stress I was under and you told me it would be okay. No matter what. And I truly, honestly believed that. Xennie, you have no idea how much that helped me then, and how much it still helps me now.

Yes I do. That's why I keep saying it. You need to remember that, dad. And you are a good dad because I know you're still worrying about that too!

Heh, he probably is.

Maybe in the back of my mind, yeah. But that's an automatic worry whenever I feel like I'm falling.

You're slipping pretty badly, kid. Hold on.

What, now?

Yeah, right now.

I'm not sure what this is.

Dysphoria fallout, and you bloody well know it. Julie, Nat, get over here.

Why? What are we going to do?

Talk him through this crisis with me. Jewel, pay attention. Nat, you're supposed to help him out with this, with remembering that he's not the stranger's face in the mirror. That's the core of your job.

...

And Julie, you're no threat to him anymore, believe me, so stop being so bloody scared to help him out.

I help him out! He asks me for help and I help him! I just don't barge in.

Maybe he wishes someone would every once in a while, you ever think of that? The kid feels pretty tragically ostracized from all of you because you keep to your own quiet business until there's a catastrophe. Well, maybe if we all got together more often there wouldn't be so many bloody catastrophes.

Laurie...

Ssh, this needs to be said. Give me a minute. Listen, I know we've all been spending a lot more time together lately but that is not enough. Julie, you're supposed to be around more.

I don't want to bother you!

Bother us how?

You're all so close, and... I feel like I'd be intruding. I don't belong near that, at all.

Listen, that's absolute nonsense. You are allowed to be around.

I don't want to be.

What? Why?

I don't deserve that at all. It's not right. Not after what I did.

What, you still haven't forgiven yourself either?

Laurie, it's hard, all right? It is really hard. Jewel knows what I'm talking about. I'm sorry.

...

Yeah, the both of you are total tangled messes right now. Listen, let's... let's just finish this recap, then we can deal with this if it hasn't been settled already. Jewel, pay attention!

Love at all costs. That's what important.

And that applies to yourself, remember.

What is holding me back?

Let go of that shadow. Let it go. It's not you. Nat, talk some sense into him.

I can't do that! That's your job!

What, so you're going to shirk that responsibility if it falls on your shoulders? You're the green one up here, so this is particularly important. Get to it.

Nat, it's okay, don't worry about it.

Well it's not okay, that's already a lie.

I want it to be okay though. We should be having a conversation here, getting things ready for the new year, why--

This problem isn't solved is why. If you're still having hairtrigger breakdowns whenever the slightest twinge of dysphoria hits you, that's a serious concern. I don't want you fragmenting again.

...

Terrifying, isn't it? Now think about how I feel, how we feel. We don't know what to do about this mess and we don't want you doing this to yourself. Am I right?

'Course you're right, but we can't do anything about this.

Not directly, no.

So that's the kid's responsibility to himself. Jewel, think about the 23rd, pull yourself together.

...

Wow, that was one quick center.

I can still get thrown off just as quick, though. That's the danger here. Let's get back to talking.

Sure, sure. Sorry about the holdup.

Who?

The readers, if we even have any. Also, Jo, you're the only one talking over there. Leon, speak up.

W-why?

Because you're really bloody important up here and you need to get involved. Jewel, next topic.

All right, now we're at the October burnout. I took on way too many responsibilities at once, in several areas, and by the 9th I was already feeling the consequences. I was getting hacked again, I started to get physically ill... oh, wait, the 2nd was when Xenophon went through her most recent appearance shift, we should really mention that.

Was that when I got legs?

Yes it was, that was amazing. That's here by the way.

That was a pretty awesome day.

It was. But like I was saying, I was falling apart even before the second week of October, and... and that's when I tried to label you, Laurie.

...Is that when it was.

Yeah.

...What was this?

Shut up, Jo, let someone else talk.

Well excuuuse me.

I'm kidding. This is just... this is actually not a topic I like going back to.

Really?

Really. This was the 10th. I daresay you probably don't want to think about that again either.

...

It needed to happen, though.

It still hurt, horribly.

What happened?

He tried to label me. Put me in a box.

He started losing track of reality at that time, too.

He did. Didn't you actually have to tell him that he was real?

Yeah, basically.

Geez. I forgot just how bad that was, actually.

I tried too hard to put on a mask and fit a description, and I started projecting that onto other people. I was losing track of myself is what I was doing. And... that's when I realized that I was having serious trouble splitting realities, at all. I had been for a while, but that's when it hit hard.

Then there was that one night at the beginning of October.

...That hurt more than I let on.

More than you let on? Chaos, you broke down for ten solid minutes! How the hell much did that hurt?

Keep reading, he talks about that on the 11th.

...I see. Sorry, bro.

It's okay. That was rough for all of us.

Oh. Wait. Two other things happened on the 10th that are still affecting me now.

Good things, I hope?

Thankfully, yeah. The one was when you told me to be more careful with my mind, and my rampant thoughts, because they were more powerful than I dared give myself credit for?

Heck yes, that is seriously important. Don't forget that.

Yeah, you've been reminding me of that constantly since then. It's helping, but I need to do more meditation before it'll get quieter. I guess I need to 'die' on that level first. Meditation is ego death, and that needs to happen a lot more than it does now.

No kidding.

So that's important point one. Tying into that is point two, which Xenophon said to me.

I did?

Yeah. That was the night I couldn't see your eyes.

You weren't really there, dad! You weren't paying attention to anything.

Man, is that retroactive synchronicity or what?

...Yeah, it is.

Ironically I'm still having trouble with the concentration.

Because your messed-up mind won't shut up. At least now you're aware of it and you're putting a lot of effort into staying stable, even if you're not all there yet. And I daresay the 23rd helped more than you're giving it credit for, too. Yes, even with all the credit you've already given it.

What happened on the 23rd?

Awesome things. We'll get there. Now, in a stunning display of even more ironic synchronicity, it's time to talk about October 12th. Or not.

We do need to discuss the 11th first. That was interesting, extremely so, because... well, for one, I had literal synchronicity with Laurie, which has never happened before.

Yeah, I remember that. That was the names, right?

Yeah. And you helping me center again.

Don't-- don't talk about that.

I won't. But... that night was when... Chaos kind of...

I slipped.

You what?

Slipped. I wasn't there when Jewel looked at me, for once. Usually it's the other way around when we... fall that far.

What do you mean?

He was under way too much stress and it got to him, pretty bloody bad.

You opened back up, and he closed off entirely.

Yeah.

That terrified me. It was worse because I knew I'd done the same thing to him in the past. Chaos, I really was scared, I knew I was responsible but I didn't know what to do...

Jewel, how were you responsible?

You hit that point because I hadn't been with you for so long, and because I was a mess when we were. I was a mess, completely.

I'm the one that had the fallout, though. You didn't make me do that.

It still hurt.

Yeah, it did, but it was not intentional on your part, or mine.

Exactly. Stop trying to throw blame on yourself, Jewel.

...I think that's unconscious, actually.

Then get conscious.

Kind of like he did the next morning, right?

Oh no, we are not discussing that here. No.

Laurie, what's this about?

What?

The defensiveness about the 12th. You've been doing this for a while.

Yeah, well I have a bloody good reason to. That's off-limits for discussion. Jewel, move on. What happened on the 13th?

Bad stuff.

...Oh. Oh man, that was when your friends got married, right?

That was on the 12th, actually, but yeah, I didn't start trying to inflict their lives onto mine until the next day.

You have got to stop that nonsense.

I'm working on it. It's almost entirely gone now.

Good. But yeah, now that I remember, the 13th was hell.

What happened on the 13th?

See, now you're interested. You should've been around, then you'd already know.

Laurie, I- I didn't know you needed me around!

What did I say earlier? We all need each other here. Back on topic, Jewel.

All right...

Can I just say that the 12th was awesome?

Chaos, don't you dare.

Well it was.

I want to know what happened on the 12th now.

In your dreams, Jo. Jewel, keep talking, seriously.

I... oh. Oh.

What?

This is the part I don't want to remember. The night of the 12th. I started slipping early.

That's when I showed up, wasn't it.

Yeah. The first time you tried that method.

Well, don't discuss that, then. We've dealt with that.

But the point is why that even happened. I kept thinking I was "doing everything wrong" just because someone else would have acted differently in the same situation. It was my inferiority complex running at dangerously high levels. It's... it's the only reason I still get hacked, even by the tar, at all.

...

Sorry Julie.

...No, I know all about that. I should be the one apologizing.

No more guilt parties, geez. Jewel, are you over that yet?

The feeling like I need to emulate everyone else's lives? Pretty much, why?

Because that one was seriously bloody dangerous. It nearly killed you a few times, and I am not joking at all.

I know.

So you're sure that one's fixed?

Pretty much. But... unfortunately it's making my dysphoria reactions worse.

How?

Now I no longer feel like I need to ignore, suppress, or lie about them because other people don't see them as valid. But that is making the violent desperation come back because it's no longer being locked away.

...Are you serious?

I'm serious. So Lynne was right. This needs to be dealt with. But... let's go back to the 12th. The night, that is. Chaos said something to me then that I need to remember.

What?

"He told me flat-out that I, the REAL me, not the fake one that I sometimes slip into to 'make other people happy,' was not doing anything wrong. I was not doing anything wrong by being honest with myself. The problem was that I was blinding myself to that-- I was falling into regression by putting too much emphasis on outside opinions, and not paying attention to myself, to my own morals and feelings and truths. Put extremely simply, I was not giving myself enough credit, and I still was not accepting that my tried-and-true experiences WERE true and valid and real to me, even if they weren't applicable to anyone else's life."

There you go.

I think I actually believe that now, instead of just knowing it.

Good. I don't want that happening to you again.

I don't either.

So the 13th was fallout from that, am I right?

Basically. I wrote that entry on the 13th, and that's when it all really sunk in. So that was a rough day.

I see.

Jewel are you okay now?

What do you mean?

With everything. From the bad slip you had earlier. Are you better?

I think so? It's tough because of this negative family atmosphere. That makes it very, very easy to slip.

Well there's your challenge. Keep standing strong in spite of that. It'll help, in it's own twisted way.

I guess so.

I know so.

So what's next on the list?

Overthinking will burn a hole in your head.

That's what's next?

No, I just wanted to say that because it's true. Next was a small gap in updates because I was so stressed out I didn't want to be online anymore.

Wait, hold on one second. Genesis, you have not said a word since you walked in.

Hi.

You already said hi.

Then I'll say it again.

Seriously, why the hell aren't you talking?

I'm just listening. I wasn't really involved in a lot of this stuff so I'm not talking.

Wait, how the hell weren't you involved? You're always around Jewel.

Yeah, but he was stressed out and all of this was happening upstairs. With you three! So like Julie I didn't want to butt in. That's all.

Genesis, what did I tell you.

I know, but the point is I'd still be walking in on things and distracting people, and you've told me that before too.

Hey, that's actually one of our current topics.

It is?

Essentially. But we're still stuck in October.

Sorry. So I spent the next several days after the 13th doing spiritual research, from what I remember. Then I wrote the lemniscate poem on the 19th, and on the 24th I had a bit of an 'outside' verification identity-wise, in that I found a group on Tumblr full of aromantics and realized hey, there isn't anything wrong with me there! I feel bad that I needed that in order to be comfortable with myself, but you know what my self-doubt was like at the time.

Yeah, I do.

So that was that, and actually, once I realized the aromantic thing I realized that I no longer had to 'force' myself to try and be traditionally romantic because I feared I was 'doing it wrong.' And because of that, I got back into my Dream World work because I was no longer unconsciously projecting that doubt onto other peoples relationships.

That's you being obtrusive again, and that also needs to stop.

What is this obtrusive thing about?

Dad was taking a quiz and that word kept coming up. It was funny.

We were taking personality tests for the sake of self-honesty and we decided Jewel was too obtrusive.

What does that mean?

It means he imposes himself and his opinions on others, even if it's not really intentional.

That is a problem!

No kidding! Now keep reading the topics.

All right. So the next big day was the 29th, for obvious reasons.

If our readers don't know what that is, I seriously question your loyalty to our updates.

Ouch, the sarcasm.

Seriously, who the heck reads these?

You never know. We could actually have a loyal reader and not even know it.

That would be awesome.

But for those of you who aren't loyal readers, October 29th was the date last year that I attempted suicide.

And then changed your mind.

I had to. I couldn't stop thinking about you, and Chaos. I loved you too much, and you... you already have too many scars because of me. I kept remembering the blood, and...

All right, we get it, kid.

But that's important. That was the ONLY thing keeping me alive. I couldn't die because I had people to live for, and that was it. Speaking of I actually wrote on all your Facebook walls on that day, guys, thanking you for that.

You did?

Yeah, don't you remember?

You guys need to log in once in a while and read that stuff.

I read mine. Thank you, Jewel.

Tell him in a comment, geez, that stuff needs to be written down too.

Doesn't this count?

Don't get clever with me, Lynne, you know what I mean. Be more personal for heaven's sake. Chaos, that goes for you too, ironically.

Ba-dum-tsssh.

What was that?

Rimshot. I figured that deserved one.

Hee hee.

After the 23rd, that deserves a couple of 'em. But really, go thank the kid, because he poured his heart out to all of us there. Me included. Thanks, by the way.

Be more personal, Laurie.

Come on, man, I'm not doing that here. Next topic.

I'm sensing more defensiveness!

Hey, shove off, that's none of your business.

Laurie, you do need to open up more.

Not now.

You said that last time, dear.

Maybe I did. Still not the right time, or place. Jewel, get me out of this conversation already.

Haha, sure thing. Oh, did I mention that it snowed on the 29th? I think that's the only major snowfall we've had so far this winter, too.

Yeah, that was gorgeous. We all stood around in that, didn't we?

It was freezing, but it was more than worth it.

No kidding.

That was my first time seeing snow!

That too. What are the odds, right?

Pretty high, with us.

It was so pretty too. It was... I wanted to watch it snow forever.

I think we all did. Chaos, were you sitting on the car or am I imagining things?

Nope, I was on the car.

I was over by the other one!

That you were. Oh, guys?

Yeah?

No, all you guys.

What is it?

I need to take that hour-long church break right about now, actually. You readers won't be affected by it, but there's going to be a bit of a gap for us.

Fine by me. What topic do we pick up on, then?

October 31st. That's when things started moving very quickly in a better direction, as a whole.

That's when Xenophon started to sing.

Really?

Yeah, really, that was beautiful.

Sonic Generations hype, too.

Man, you're right, that is when things started looking up. All right, Jewel, when you get back, start that topic immediately.

Aaand I'm back. Time shenanigans ahoy.

Always. So start talking, kid.

Will do. On October 31st, I started recovering from the stress of that month, so Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon and I were reviewing my entries from the past few years and listening to music because really, we have come a long way.

You two kept singing, though.

We did! I just get moved by music really easily.

And then Xenophon asked us just how important music was to us.

So I told her that it communicated things simple words never could, and that I just feel a connection to sound as a medium, and she seemed really inspired...

And then you played that Klonoa song for me!

We did. I named you after that song, just a little.

Lephise, right dad?

Yeah. The 'songstress of rebirth.' And... well, you started singing along. It was beautiful.

It was.

Well you did say it was my song, dad. I had to sing it for you.

I told you what that meant, though, didn't I?

Yeah. That it was about bringing the world back from nightmares and dead things.

Which is kind of what has happened to me over the past year. And it made me realize just how important you are, to me and maybe to more people than I realize.

What do you mean?

You just... you personify infinite hope, almost. Second chances and new beginnings. The connecting part between cycles, between death and life. You were an impossibility, you showed up in the face of absolute terror and fear, and yet here you are, shining as brightly as the stars. You're beautiful, kid. And you just feel like something incredibly important, in a big sense.

Well geez, so do you and Chaos. I told you, this is bigger than any of us realize, and I know it.

You sure?

Sure I'm sure. Just watch. This will all play out for something greater than we can comprehend. The way our lives have been going so far, I have no doubt. Now you mentioned Sonic Generations?

Oh yeah, that's the other half of this, and...

Was that the conversation we had about him?

You two talked about me?

Yeah, remember? When he got to his music class early, we just kinda sat in the dark and talked about you because you're awesome. And because of Sonic Generations, of course. Jewel, you were really freaking out over that!

I didn't want to fight him is why, Genesis. I love him with my entire heart and I was still going to have to fight him, if only in a game environment. Remember when I got Sonic Battle, Chaos? Sure, we turned that into our equivalent of your brawling matches with Markus, but at first I nearly refused to face you for the same reason. Back then! So yeah, seven years later that got pretty bad.

Those are brawling matches, aren't they?

Heck yeah, you always beat the living daylights out of my Emerl, man.

If it's Strawberry, he deserves it for not letting me sleep back in 2004!

Haha, no kidding!

And I have no idea what the heck this was.

Me neither, that was before both of us showed up.

Man, that feels like forever ago.

Back on topic?

Yeah. You know what this was about, don't you.

I do.

Wait, actually, something happened on the 3rd besides that.

We'll get to that. Chaos first.

You sure? Because it ties into the morning.

Does it? Well go ahead, then.

...On November 3rd, all the pain from October 13th hit me again. You know, the feeling that I had to live exactly like other people in order to succeed in life, or even 'do it right,' at all.

Especially Melody.

Yeah. Long story short, it was religiously motivated, but I got this complex that unless I almost literally copied her life, I would be marked as condemnable somehow. I've abandoned that train of thought now, thankfully, but for a long time it was the biggest reason why I kept falling into hacks. Hey, you guys listening?

Yeah.

We're listening, you're just... obviously having a hard time talking about this. So we don't want to interrupt.

Okay. Thanks, actually.

No problem, Jewel. Just remember we're here for you too.

I know. So... with all that stress on me, making me so fragile, and with the SG situation too, my heart was a mess. This was the first time Chaos had appeared in a game in a long time, and it was happening almost exactly a year after I literally almost died. I... oh man, I seriously wrote that?

What?

In Scribbld, when I was talking about having to face you... "I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt."

Oh ho ho, wow . Synchronicity all up in here.

That's... incredible, really.

Yeah, talk about a parallel. Geez.

With what?

The 23rd.

Oh, I understand. Well, these things do seem to happen for you two quite often.

They sure as hell do. But Jewel, talk about what you actually said to Genesis. That's important, with what you just said about Xenophon.

It is. Well... first off, it reminded me of our 4th incident, again. Go figure.

We just mentioned that too, didn't we.

We did. But somehow I ended bringing up our 'cosmically inseparable' point, and... with all the non-coincidences that surrounded your Generations appearance, it made me realize just how incredible our relationship is, and how so many things in my life seemed to foreshadow you somehow. Little things, big things. And when I met you I was drawn to you completely and without explanation. It... it felt like I had known you forever. I told Genesis that, that it felt like you and I transcended linear time somehow. It felt like I had loved you forever, and when I met you, I just had to remember what that felt like.

...

I love that.

Can I... can I just link that entry, actually?

Sure.

Okay, here . Because that talks about all the stress of my own perfectionist issues too, and... oh, Laurie, that morning we had that fight, remember?

...Yeah.

Who was there for that?

Just our inner group. Please, just... don't talk about that one either. Not here.

Why? Laurie, you really do need to talk about this...

Listen, Lynne, I was not doing well that morning. I don't want to bring it up. End of story.

All right, if you insist.

Laurie, should we move on?

Sure, go ahead.

All right. After the 3rd I had a creativity problem, where I felt like I couldn't communicate what I wanted to, at all. I kind of solved that on the 6th, when I realized I was once again just trying too hard, and I also realized the 'butterfly' thing? That I tend to be a little bit too free, with not staying in one place for too long.

Explain?

It's my old 'running' principle.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. You move on too bloody fast.

It was bothering me, because I meet people, leave them for a long time without warning, and then one day come back, and act like I never left at all, or like there wasn't even a time gap between me leaving and coming back. I think I solve a problem but I'm not solving it all the way through, and it keeps coming back to haunt me. Things like that. I think I really need to ground more, maybe?

That could help. But really, that also ties into your not wanting to be attached to anything. So you just don't stick around long enough for that to happen.

Maybe. I don't know, I think I have that figured out? In any case I don't want to get off track discussing that right now, as it's not a big problem, or at least I hope it's not.

It could become one. We'll discuss it later. Next?

Next is the fact that I fought Perfect Chaos that same day, and somehow that actually brought my creativity back?

Catharsis block, maybe?

Maybe.

Yeah, he was worried way too much about fighting me there.

I was. But then on the 6th, maybe thanks to that too, I had a huge realization.

Which one was that?

The 'orange' one, and what that really meant.

Spectrum-wise?

Partly. You know, orange and pink and how they kept getting misinterpreted, that whole thing.

Yeah, that one was huge. Did we ever discuss that here?

Nope.

Should we?

I don't know, I'm a little tired of always bringing up that topic here.

Then we won't, no problem.

But was it important?

Yeah, it was important, but it was a fact, not something we have to debate.

Oh, all right. And Jewel, you didn't forget it?

Nope. It's still helping me fight off hacks and keep my head on straight concerning that whole jumble of related topics. So that was groundbreaking, really. It erased a great deal of my fear and it motivated me enough to get back into writing music almost immediately afterwards.

For the League, right?

You bet. Starting off slow, but starting nevertheless.

Where are we now, on the timeline?

Uh... actually, wait, maybe we should have a separate session about the orange thing?

Why's that?

In the entry from the 7th-- which is where we are by the way-- I said, "today's revelation has given me some seriously significant insights into Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon, and Julie's roles up here." Then I said it was really complicated, and Julie was far more important than we could ever have realized before.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Makes sense. We can discuss that in 2012, then. Keep going, time's running out for this year.

It is! Okay, next up is the big triple 11. I clearly remember that nothing huge happened on that day, except for me being once again reminded, strongly, that life is not in black and white.

The 11th was a big door-opening day, though. You know what happened later that week.

I do. And that's what we've been leading up to for the past few hours!

Is that the next entry?

Yep, the tar and glass. That was actually the next day, Laurie.

Well geez, that whole week was incredible then. Should we just link this one?

Yeah, but I want to summarize it too. So here's the full entry on that evening, but as for what happened... well, we figured out what the real 'shadow' is up here. It's not Julie, and it never was.

It's that damned tar thing.

It used all of us.

It did.

What does that thing look like, by the way?

Pitch-black, huge, eldritch tar thing, basically. It's horrific. Scared the hell out of me, actually, which should tell you enough about it.

Seriously?

Seriously. Damn thing wouldn't die, either. Apparently you can't kill it, or that defeats the purpose of it even living in the first place. Paradoxes as usual. Leon, you saw that bloody thing, didn't you?

...Yeah, just barely.

Scary stuff, am I right?

...Mm-hm.

Leon, you were there?

Jewel called me over to warp them out. I don't know where they were or what they were doing, but... it didn't look good.

It wasn't good. Damn thing attacked me and tried to get Chaos before Jewel decided 'heck with it, let's get out of here.'

Because I had been talking to it beforehand. It just... showed up, out of nowhere. I told it to be quiet, and then I was in that huge empty room, and... I don't know, it's weird. It's definitely working for the side I would once have considered 'black,' but now that I can see that there's a greater purpose to everything, that is crystal clear even in it, the tar thing. It knew it was acting as a dark balance to our light, and it meant to live up to that. So yeah, it's going to be vicious, but strangely it is nowhere near as vicious as it used to be? Julie, you know what I mean.

...Why is that? Why isn't it so dark now?

I have no idea

I think maybe it just changed its methods? The old traumatic stuff is over with now, thank God. Now I guess it's working differently. Who knows? I think it's actually being more secretive now, more insinuating. Which is just as dangerous, actually, if not more so. It's not direct and merciless, it's indirect and strangely still merciless.

At least it's not screwing around with you like it used to.

Me or Julie or Genesis, yeah. I guess I just got wiser. I just can't forget the one day Julie went berserk with it and attacked all of us. Leon, that was the first time you ever teleported us, wasn't it?

...Yeah. That was terrifying.

No kidding.

See, this is the stuff I don't want to remember.

No one's telling you to remember it. You, as you are, you're not at fault for that. You were being used just like Jewel was. Get over it, Julie, you're fine now.

...I'm working on it.

So, Jewel. Then you got swords.

I did! Chaos and I somehow ended up with light swords after Leon got us out of there. I deduced that if it really was the 'ego' presence up here, then fighting it would only strengthen it. We had to let go of it and live in love and just let it do what it wanted, without attacking or defending. We just had to let it be, really.

And meditate. If anything's going to 'kill' it, that will.

Maybe, yeah.

It will. But go on.

So Leon warped us out and for some reason Chaos had two swords with him when we did, and he gave one to me, and it was exactly what I had been told at the expo, haha.

No context for that, huh?

No, that would take far too long, and it's explained in the actual entry. But yes, then I stuck it in my chest because I can do that in headspace, which is also something I failed to mention here. But hearts, man. There's a lot of stuff to do with those up here.

Kid, with your entire bloody existence I think that's a little obvious.

Maybe! So that was the tar and glass incident...

Wait, why glass?

I think because of the swords. They were made of crystal, and turned to light when I picked mine up. But we were also in a cathedral, which always makes me think of glass for symbolic reasons, and... it was probably just symbolic. Like me and then the ego, except in reverse order. Sorry. You get what I mean.

I do, thanks.

Then Natalie came back, didn't he.

He did. Speaking of, Nat, you have been dead quiet too.

Just listening. Genesis may not have been involved but I was still dead when all that happened.

Kid has a point.

He does.

How did Natalie come back, by the way?

Total mirror disassociation. Bad dysphoria paved the way for freaky stuff up here, yet again.

Wait, how does that work?

Dysphoria causes very negative situations, which usually causes bad fallout on your part, which forces you to try and fix things, which usually works out pretty well, and sooner or later freaky stuff results from it all. Case in point, Natalie resurrecting.

Huh. I suppose so.

My color changed, by the way. And Vincent stayed dead, in a sense.

Yeah, Nat's now green because Leon stole his color.

I didn't steal it!

I'm kidding, geez, you need to calm down. And didn't you say Vincent's energy was just a splinter of yours or something?

Yeah. So now it's just me, which is fine. What's not fine is what you've been putting me through since I came back.

I'm concerned about that too. Jewel, talk about his return.

All right. I started lapsing extremely badly on November 18th, thanks to a massive dysphoria surge, and it scared Laurie half to death. Thanatos feelings kicked in hard, and it felt like my life up until now had been scratched like an old CD, like I had been indelibly ruined, and needed to be stopped and fixed and started over. Heck, even burn a whole new disc. But then why wasn't this new attempt turning out as well as we had all hoped it would? Why was everything still skipping, looping, mangled? Things were really, really dark for me then. I couldn't figure out why I was still suffering, and I fell really far, and then I realized that was supposed to happen, if only to bring you back, Natalie. And for that I am sorry.

For what?

For allowing your resurrection to happen at such a horrible time. I mean, it wasn't planned whatsoever, we didn't even think that was possible... but look at Xenophon, this stuff happens when it's supposed to whether we think we're ready for it or not. So you came back during an extremely rough time and you suffered for it and I am sorry. I never meant for you to go through any of that.

...You still could have done something about it.

Nat, stop. Jewel, talk about the details.

Why stop? This is important! We haven't discussed this, this is my first time talking to you people like this, and I want to figure out why that was still such a problem-- and is-- if we really have come as far as you're saying we have.

Because we still have a hell of a long way to go and obviously this discussion needs to keep happening right now, because whatever lesson Jewel needs to learn from it, he hasn't fully accepted yet. Jewel, the 18th, please.

I was given a very dark challenge to test my light against, is what this is. My light is brighter than ever, but it's no good if I don't refine it. But the old shadows are too weak to stand up to me now. The brighter I shine, the darker the shadows are that I have to face. Laurie, you've told me that several times over the past month, and so have several other people.

Because it's the truth.

I know. I just want Natalie to at least realize that, because I don't want him suffering.

I've already suffered whether or not that's true.

...All right, we really need to finish this recap. The 22nd of November was when I finally talked about Natalie coming back. I... wait, no. No, I had been keeping that a secret.

Yeah, no kidding.

What?

Natalie. Nathaniel, at first, before we started using his old name again. I... prior to the 18th, for like two weeks or more, Nat had slowly started talking to me again.

What? Seriously?

Yeah. I had been picking up on spirits or something during that time, and I chased out a bad one shortly before that, but... as my dysphoria slowly got worse, the more I started disconnecting from mirrors, and as it hasn't been this severe since, geez, late 2007?

Nat did resurrect briefly in 2009, though. As a kid.

Because he had to 'reset' after... after Julie killed him.

Sorry..

We know, love. We've been over this already.

You're the one who needs to apologize now.

Nat, shut it for a second. Jewel, get back to where you were. You didn't tell any of us that Natalie was talking to you before he resurrect-- well, obviously after he resurrected, but before he reformed. Why the heck not?

I wanted to make sure it was him, and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to die again, for one reason or another. Then, like I said, my dysphoria hit a near-lethal spike... I mean really, I was picking up knives and I haven't done that since the psych ward! It was terrifying. So that made me let go of mirrors completely, and that was the final step in giving Nat enough of a base to reform from.

Wish I didn't.

Nat, just stop. What the hell caused this? I thought you had dropped this attitude!

I tried! But Jewel keeps picking up his old habits again and again too, so I'm sick and tired right about now!

He's trying. And you were fine when you reformed. What caused this attitude in the first place?

We were co-fronting, remember? You had me in every single mirror he walked by. Then one night he got hacked and I had no idea what to do and it scared me to death. He started hiding from mirrors because he didn't want to get at me and that defeated the purpose of me being there at all. And I realized that whatever was hurting him was what had killed me in the past, twice , and it ticked me off. Bad.

That damned tar-thing didn't kill you the second time.

You can't say it didn't. I couldn't solidify. I faded out, and why? Because Jewel was a mess and couldn't keep me stable. Lynne wasn't doing to well at that time either, if I remember correctly.

2009 was a tough year for all of us, Natalie.

Yeah, be glad you weren't up here last year. Jo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Mm-hmm.

So I was dead for two years and none of this is fixed? Explain this to me. That's why I'm mad.

Have you been paying any bloody attention? Julie is right there . She's on OUR side. Do you have any idea how much hell Jewel put himself through to get her here, to get to this point? We have solved a whole mountain of problems, the issue here is that they've been replaced by new ones! You can't expect this place to be a fluffy utopia, Natalie, that would defeat the purpose of us . We're the light here, and we need shadows to shine at all. Jewel, Chaos, tell him about that, will you?

What in the world can we say?

You know what? You can say a hell of a lot. Nat, didn't you hear what Jewel said about Xenophon earlier? With cycles and all that?

What about it?

She is Jewel and Chaos' kid, for the love of love itself. She's a being of rebirth up here, and you can't have rebirth without bloody dying first. You know about October 29th, right?

I know what I've heard.

Jewel lost a lot around that time last year, and that is the understatement of the bloody millennium. He almost lost me. We went through some crushing grief and emotional agony. We almost lost all hope, we bled more than we could take, and that kid almost committed suicide, do you realize how bloody serious that is?!

All right, all right, I get the point! How does this tie into the fact that we're still facing so much trouble now? If that almost killed him, you, me, and who knows who else, why isn't he over this yet?

It's not something you can just flip a switch and get over, Nat. It's not.

I wish it was though.

But it's not. So you're still fighting, and the kid's not perfect, and frankly I don't want him to be. Listen, Natalie, if you don't want to deal with pain then I'm sorry but you're going to have to pack up and leave. Pain happens up here, it's almost mandatory at this point. But it's what we learn from. It's the biggest reason why we've been able to get this far. It opened our eyes when we thought we couldn't even see anymore. Do you get it now? Jewel doesn't want you to hurt, and you shouldn't hold it against him, because it's not his fault. We're all hurting up here, but there's something we're going to learn from this once we conquer it. And I promise you we're trying to conquer it as soon as we can because I am sick of this dysphoria struggle too, but we can't solve that alone. So I'm sorry about the mirrors, Jewel's sorry about the mirrors, we're all sorry about the bloody mirrors and the co-fronting and all that but God knows we were doing our best, and you can't hold it against us for not knowing all the bloody answers before we decided to give it a shot. Capiche? Chill the heck out, stop being so ticked off about everything, and let us get on with this conversation.

...

That get through to you?

Yeah. Fine. I'll have to think about it.

Then do so. Jewel, I do believe we were discussing November 22nd.

Oh, oh yeah. Sorry.

No need to apologize kid, I stole your thunder there for a minute. Pun intended. Go on.

All right. So Natalie came back, during a dark time, but he's been a huge light to us since then. Him showing up, and getting mad at me too, was such a massive source of motivation to me that I was almost impervious to hacks for quite some time. Unfortunately that didn't last forever. Wait, I got Spine to co-front with us too for a while, didn't I?

Yes. I am still fronting with you as much as I can.

Thanks for that, by the way.

You're welcome.

So... honestly the mirror thing, with Nat, wasn't a good way to keep out dysphoria. It was more of a way to prevent hacks, but ironically it made their triggers worse. I was dead sick of it by the 22nd already, obviously, and that night I made up my mind to do whatever I could to solve it, somehow. That was the color-role thing, Laurie, with me trying to 'stabilize' our warmer colors, those more tied to physical attributes, because with the abuse lapses, they really felt like they were a mess. That also made me consider the headvoice spectrum theory which I do want to discuss once we're caught up here.

What's this?

Some really interesting mechanic he's thinking about. But yeah, we'll talk about it. Are we at December yet?

Uh... almost. Give me a minute to review this time period.

...

You all right?

...I guess.

...Do you mind if I keep talking?

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Good to hear. Xenophon, you're not saying anything either.

I'm just a little tired is all.

You going to be okay?

Yeah. I'm listening.

Geez, everyone is just listening.

Well you and Jewel are the only ones who seem to know what we're talking about here.

True...

And me, but I just let Laurie hog the spotlight. She owns this house after all.

Don't, no injokes, not at this hour. Jewel, get us back on topic.

All right, there was an entry on the 30th where I mentioned putting up the Christmas tree with Xenophon, because she's been ghosting almost every day now, for several hours at a time.

I remember that! That was awesome! We were putting little icicles everywhere.

That we were! You were so excited, it was adorable.

Well daaad, it was my first time even seeing a Christmas tree, of course I was excited. And then I got to spend time with you!

You did. I'm telling you, that is helping me so much lately, it's beautiful. And Laurie, now we're in December, timeline wise. That's when I was dealing with finals, and it's when Natalie first started to get as angry with me as he is now.

Hm. What do you have written?

Uh... he said that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." I think you two just discussed that.

We did.

I also have that he calmed down after that, but I guess now it's picked up again?

Because of today! You're taking this really badly! It's kind of scaring me how, whenever I think things will be okay for a while, something like this happens.

Hey, he didn't get hacked, he didn't even have any bloody triggers.

Yeah, well I heard he's been getting 'dream hacks' again lately and those don't sound good at all.

...

We're trying to stop those. They aren't his fault.

Yeah, well, they're still scaring me. And I know we had a few near hacks this week, I've been trying to get back into the mirrors when I can. Apparently it's dangerous now though.

It's always dangerous. And you don't have to do that anymore if you don't want to, I have Menchou guarding me now when it gets bad. It's a little easier and it keeps you from getting involved in traumatic situations if they come up.

'If they come up.' That's all my worries in a nutshell.

Join the club.

And you're saying I just have to deal with this? That things are going to be rough but sometimes they'll be good to and now I just have to bite the bullet and wait for the sun to shine?

No one is going to be biting any bullets around here, not after what's happened to Jewel about that. Listen, Nat. If you're that angry then come talk to me or Lynne or someone about it, seriously. Stop festering in rage like this, we don't want any attribute flips happening, that would not end well.

Attribute flips?

I'm sure they're possible. They've happened to our benefit a few times. Leon? Julie? I do believe you're living examples.

...

Leon?

Originally held the paranoid gambler influence up here. Remember that mess?

Vaguely, I guess.

He personified in 2010 when it got bad. I got pissed, killed him. He came back that winter and we decided to give him another chance. He got his act together and here he is, wha-la. Julie's a whole 'nother story, I daresay you know all about that miracle.

As well as I can, I guess. Not all of it.

Well we'll fill you in later, why the hell not. As of now, Jewel, we are still trying to finish this monolith of a recap.

That might be tricky. The 8th was also the static incident.

I thought we solved that.

As well as we could.

Static incident?

Yeah, what is that?

Something bad that I refuse to talk about outside of vague terminology. Ironically it's a massive hack-blocker, but at the same time it was deeply unsettling and kind of traumatic? I think it's also playing into my current dysphoria resurgence.

Could be, from what I know of it. Which isn't much, surprisingly, as you refuse to tell anyone about it. Chaos, did he tell you about this?

He told me about it!

What, in detail?

No, he didn't want me to know either.

Same here. I don't know what it is, except that it involved--

No details, not here. That's not to be discussed. It's not a topic for discussion, it's just in the back of my head and making me really creeped out every once in a while. But it's actually not a problem, nor is it causing any triggers, I guess.

You guess.

Well, it's bad because it involves an absolute ton of triggers. That's why it was traumatic. My mind honestly went into a sort of mild shock state after that happened, for a few days.

And that's blocking hacks?

It doesn't want to be reminded. I don't either.

Huh. Makes sense.

You're sure it's not hurting you, though?

Not directly. It's hard to explain. Can we talk about this later, please? There are other things I'd much rather discuss.

Sure, move on then.

Laurie, are you sure?

Yeah. He and I have already touched upon this topic a few times in previous conversations. I think we're good for now. What's next, kid?

The 9th. It snowed two days prior to that.

Oh, I remember that.

You should. That was gorgeous.

It was.

Was that when you two ghosted?

Yeah.

That melted fast though.

Unfortunately, but in a way it made that morning all the more beautiful.

Death and life, huh?

Absolutely. And... I think that was one of the big motivating experiences for the 23rd.

Why.

Let me quote myself. "In that moment I wanted so badly for us to actually be there together. I didn't care that I had classes in the morning. I loved him so much, in those frozen moments, that I wanted to get lost in him right then and there. The snow felt like my heart and everything was just as beautiful as he was."

Yeah, that was definitely a motivation for that. What is it with you and words?

What?

You and words. When you get all poetic like that. It's gorgeous.

Thank you. I don't know, though. It just happens. It's just the truth.

Not his native language, though.

Oh, you would know.

Laurie, I thought you banned him from flirting.

To hell with the rules, kid, we're all breakers up here. So that was... when?

The snow was on the 7th. On the 9th, we brought Xennie into our Rock Band escapades.

Hee!

Heck yeah, that was brilliant. Kid, that bass guitar is bigger than you are.

Not really!

Haha.

Yeah, we have fun on that game.

We really do, it's great.

Oh! Dude! Guess what else happened on the 9th?

What?

The lights!

The red lights? Nice.

What red lights?

It's complicated and symbolic. Basically I discovered that, when I am around red light and nothing else-- in total darkness-- I somehow feel and look like myself, appearances notwithstanding.

Which is somewhat paradoxical, but that's you in a nutshell, boy.

I am an anomaly, yeah.

You're the glorious exception to the rule.

Curious on the use of the word 'glorious' there?

Past session, Laur. Jewel and I were referencing the original 23rd.

Ah. Nice one then.

Thanks.

Reminds me of the night my garnets started working, huh?

Yeah, hey, it does! When was that?

Uh, July 23rd, believe it or not.

Dude. You're kidding.

Not in the slightest!

Well Laurie, look at that.

I'm looking, guys, I'm looking.

Dad, when are mine going to work?

No idea, love. But they'll activate for you at the exact right time, no sooner and no later. I mean really, it took me how long to get mine working?

That depends. We counting up from your Ambassador initiation?

Yeah, why not.

Thirteen years, then.

Thirteen years!! Dad I don't want to wait that long!

Haha, you won't, I promise. You started life farther along down the right road than I did.

What do you mean?

I mean you were born at a time when both Chaos and I were secure enough in our own lives to teach you correctly. And then of course you had Lynne and Laurie and even Nebisai, seriously kid, you've been getting nothing but purely compassionate help since you were born.

Except for me.

Julie, that doesn't count. And that incident did prove to be very important, positively so, just so you know.

If you insist.

It did. And now you do have the opportunity to make up for that, so it's okay.

I don't hold it against you Julie. You know I don't.

I never said you did.

Yeah but I just thought I would tell you, just in case.

Hm. Thanks.

No problem. Dad?

Yeah?

Not you! My other dad!

Well geez, you keep talking to him, I think I'd like you to talk to me once in a while.

...But we're talking about Power Jewels and things and you didn't speak up.

I'm kidding, Xennie.

Oh. Sorry!

It's fine! Keep talking to J, that's fine by me too.

Haha.

You three are brilliant.

So I've gathered. But yeah, love, they'll work for you right when they need to. So don't you worry about it. You're on the right track, I promise.

Okay dad.



(CLICK FOR PART TWO)