prismaticbleed: (aflame)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH WALDORF KALLIOPE JEWEL LIGHTRAYE
XENOPHON LEPHISE  CHAOS ZERO GENESIS APOLYMIS



All right, let's get this show on the road.

What are we discussing dad?

Uh, whatever things we need to clear up or clear out before Friday.

Do you have a list?

Kind of. We should really introduce you first, though.

Already ahead of you! Hey readers, I'm Waldorf, Jewel's old muse and new blue headvoice! Woo!

Yeah! She's really nice guys.

Can I just say that I find it hilarious that we always shout out to the invisible audience?

Hey, someone's gotta acknowledge them.

Whatever you say kid. But let's get back on track. First topic is?

Let me check... there's a few things here we need to wait until later to discuss, when Chaos and Genesis get in here.

Chaos and Genesis are talking too? When?

After you and Wally leave.

Awww I wanna talk to daddy too!

You can talk to your other dad later, Xen. The four of us need to discuss some heavy stuff later and no offense, but I think you'd just get confused.

Mmph. Probably. Fine.

Hehe, she's pouting.

I'm pouting cause I wanna talk to you guys about that stuff too!

Xennie, really, if it was a topic you could deal with I'd invite you. But it's not. So chill out, you're not missing much.

Fiiine.

Fiiiiiine!

So fine, you don't even know.

Hee!

Hey, no injokes. We're on a time limit here.

We are?

Yeah. It's already 4PM and Jewel's sick. These sessions take like six bloody hours without interruptions, so we can't spare a moment today.

Can we talk for fun some other day then?

I'd love to actually. Hey Jewel?

Yeah?

When January rolls around, you wanna try the one-talk-a-week thing that fell through last year?

Heck yes.

Good. I'm holding you to that, then.

Please do.

On that note. Topic one, unity. Right?

Yeah. Inside and out, really.

You mean like talking to us more?

Obviously. With the 21st going down in two days, which is going to be incredible, we all need to put more effort into spending time with each other. No more solo acts, no more hiding in the corners. That goes for all of us. Genesis included.

I've been taking steps toward that, as you know.

Why, is Genesis hiding?

No, he's just not around. Not in Central at least.

Why?

Spending time with people who are also outside of it, which I'm not happy about either. You know, we really should go back to the daily roll call as well, or whatever the heck you called that.

The nightly meetings you mean?

Yes. Those helped a heck of a lot. Problem is they started turning into a whole different thing when Chaos, Genesis and I were the only ones who showed up.

Ooh, what sort of thing?

Don't giggle at me, you know exactly what I mean.

That's why I'm giggling, duh!

Fine. But back to unity. Jewel, I think our biggest concern is actually downstairs in that respect.

That's kind of tough. I mean I spend time with my family as much as I can, but this is a small c--

I don't mean right now. I mean in the future. Yeah, there's not many people around here. But take the bloody effort to connect with people anyway. Go hang out in coffeeshops and type like you used to or something.

Also I'll be getting a new job soon, hopefully.

Hopefully is right. I know you have mental trouble with the mask thing. But we'll get you a job somewhere, kid. Just don't worry about that right now. Too much other stuff is happening, that's more important than a job right now.

Ironically.

It's not ironic at all. It's the truth and you know it.

Ah, can we go back to the unity bit?

Sure. You have something to say?

Not really. But communication is my playing field. For a while I know that's what kept Jewel from 'unity' with people downstairs.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Then what is? You're saying go out and connect with people--

Yeah, but you don't need to talk to do that. Everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it. Right?

Exactly.

So, do that. Go out and be that. That's all I'm concerned about right now, is you sharing this. I know that's all you want.

It is.

Then do it. Simple as that.

Even if he's not talking? How does that work?

You don't need to say anything if the goal is already accomplished, Waldorf. I mean sure, he can talk, but that's not the most important thing. Let's put it this way... say he goes into a public place and no one wants to so much as look at him. Who cares? Focus on unity anyway. Heck, do that whether you're around people or not! But we need to be around people to do that more effectively now, I think. I don't know.

No, it makes sense. This is an isolated little house up here, and too much of that doesn't help one's worldview at all. You can't say you love people and then never be around them, so to speak.

Exactly. So you get it. Wally, Xennie, how about you?

I get it! I wanna see more people too, they're cool. As long as they don't step on me.

They won't step on you, you're too fast.

Hee hee!

Where could Jewel go, though? It's not like he's in school anymore.

He's trying to go back in the spring, you know.

Oh, that's true then? I thought we were just considering it?

Nope, as long as we've got the cash, we're going.

Awesome!

Tell me about it. All right then, second point? Jewel?

Hold up, I want to add one more thing to the unity bit.

Sure, what is it?

I'm thinking that might actually tie into my metainomen in a significant sense?

What, the Seer of Love? How's that?

Well, you said, "everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it." But awareness of that unity is only possible through love, and through seeing with love. That's what connects every heart, beyond all superficial and temporal differences. In the end, love surpasses it all, with golden threads of eternity, and here I go getting poetic, haha.

No dad that's good!! I like when you get all poet-y. It's pretty.

Thanks, sweetheart. But yeah, that's what I'd be doing with other people, as a "Seer," in the sense of helping other people remember unity. "Seer" is a Biblical role, after all-- it's someone who has been blessed with divine visions, for the sake of God's people, to help guide them in the Way of Love. I hope I'm not mangling the definition, I know I'm being a bit loose with the language...


Nah, I'm getting the gist of it. But that's an important point, too-- it's an active role. You don't just see those things for your own entertainment. They're given to you, to be shared, for a greater purpose. 

And that purpose is, ultimately, unity. Colossians 3:14, really. Everything God gives us is meant to bring us into His Heart, through love, as one people. And that's just... the most important thing in the world, really, even up here in headspace. We, very specially as a System, exist FOR love and unity. It's the baseline of what we are, and who we are. So... as a Seer, I'd be doing what I'm trying to do now, haha.

Helping other people see love?

Basically. He's blessed with these insights and he rambles on about them like that and we're all better off for it.

Thanks, Laurie. I know I can get verbose.

I'm serious, kid. Don't bottle that stuff up. Your heart is motivated by love, too, remember. You can't bear the name without being it, in a very real sense. And believe me, Jewel, we all know how much love you've got in you. 


...That means a lot. Really it does. Because I don't want this name to be about "me," that's the whole point. I want it to be about unity. About us. I want everyone to see what I can see. 


See, kid knows what I'm talking about.

Am I still a Maid of Blood, dad?

As far as I'm aware, yeah, because of the symbolic significance of the wordplay, to be honest.

What, like "made of blood"? Why's that?

Because she wouldn't exist if it weren't for all the blood we literally lost beforehand.

Not only that, but think about what blood symbolizes. That's unity, too, in a very intrinsic sense. It's life. In Scripture it's the very means of redemption. It's a deeply holy thing, as morbid as it may seem to some. There's just so much purpose and meaning to it. You cannot take it lightly.

Tell me about it, kid, that's a huge part of my existence, too. And yours.

Yeah. But Xennie's a "maid" because, well, that title speaks to purity but also service. Like, she gives those attributes to others, in caring for them? It's hard to put into words. But I felt that when she got the name, how it summarized the hugeness of her existence, the terrible beauty of it, as well as the gentle tenderness of it. 

Dad I think you're still talking poetry!

Heh, if he is it's only because he loves you so much, kiddo.

I know. :> I love you too dad!

Thank you, sweetheart. I'm glad you can hear that in my words.

Hence your metainomen, case in point!

Hee! Yeah it is. But thank you for telling me about my name too dad, cuz that was important for me and you too and I just wanna make sure I still have it and it still works!!


'Course it still works, kid. No need to worry about that. Okay, third-- no, wait, second point.

Haha, yeah, we didn't exactly get there yet.

Do you guys always dance around the actual conversation like this?

Old habits are hard to break.

Sorry, Waldorf. My brain just likes to jump all over the place. Kind of like Xennie.

Yeah except your brain is mean sometimes! I'm not mean.

No you're not, love. So you can take over for my brain if you want.

What no!! I can't do that dad!

I'm just kidding, sweetheart.

Oh.

At least we're talking.

See, Waldorf, you need to open your eyes a little more on this topic.

What topic? Unity?

Ironically yes, but not exactly. See, maybe we are jumping around topics. But Jewel thinks like a frickin' firework. All over the place, but when you step back and look at these disjointed pieces, then whoa, it actually looks pretty nice. His brain really does work like that.

So... not staying on topic actually helps him understand things?

Yeah, because I absorb info passively, like a sponge.

Like a Seer.

Maybe that too, yeah. But it's true. I constantly go off on tangents because I'm following single threads that other people may or may not find relevant. But those threads tend to stick together, into a larger tapestry of sorts. Even if I have to weave the darn thing. Point is I think and talk better when there's no structure.

No surprise that you ended up "married" to Chaos himself then.

You have a point.

Does daddy think like that too?

Chaos? I don't think so, actually. He tends to pick one thing and stick to it doggedly. Sure, he might go off on tangents, but there's always that central goal in mind. For me, not so much. I'm just a wanderer on all fronts.

You two are just this brilliant paradox, I swear.

We are indeed. But really, let's continue on topic for once. I feel kind of bad for Wally over there.

Really, I'm just happy to be talking. It's been rough lately with that chest cold of yours!

Yeah, how the heck are you so sensitive to the physical? That's Spine's domain.

Be cauuuse, I'm the one who deals with communication. That's not strictly physical Laurie. Remember when you were in 7th grade, Jewel, how I didn't always talk much?

Yeah. But you got a lot louder in 8th grade!

Because who did you meet then? Ryou, Marik, and Chaos! You were being more you. You were communicating more honestly, at least upstairs. So I could talk more. And I was able to reach out through media better, too. Then, though, high school started, and you slipped, and I kind of faded into some murky void for a while...

You didn't actually die, did you?

No, I was just really really quiet! Jewel stopped typing, which I was basically anchored to back then, so I lost almost all my staying power. I don't think I started to come back until 2008 or so.

Thanks to this website!

Thanks to all the typing, yeah! But I guess I had the wrong sort of energy for the new system. And Natalie-- Nathaniel?-- was blue at first anyway.

And he was born because of reflection disassociation, which was a direct result of communication dishonesty.

So you see what I mean!

We know all this stuff, Wally, you don't need to recap.

Well I felt like it. The point is that I'm affected whenever Jewel has communications problems now in any sense, because I want to be. I really tied myself into this space when Jewel opened that road to me. I wanted to come back, so I did.

Took you a little while to stabilize, though.

I heard that's normal for the blue slot.

It is, but that ain't cool. It shows we have a big problem with that color that hasn't been solved well enough yet. Still, the fact that you're talking with us now is a big reassurance.

I'm not using Looney Tunes signs!

Those were cute.

They were! But I like talking too.

Okay, point taken. Back to the discussion... or not, that depends entirely on what Jewel's brain wants to do now. Or Xenophon, who the heck knows.

I'm not being daddy's brain, that's silly.

You're adorable. And it was just a joke, love.

I know, but it's true.

Also, can I just mention that I love how you're not fazed by Laurie swearing?

Because it's Laurie! She always swears.

She makes my language kid-friendly, too, when she's passing on messages. It's hilarious.

Does she? How?

Like she says "butt" instead of "ass." It's gold.

Because it is a butt!!

Also we've realized that most "cusswords" are really just a fiercer way of saying stuff in general, when I'm not using them as an accent.

I love how you use profanity as accents.

Hey, it works.

Sugar, spice, and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...

Yeah, but I'm the flask full of Chemical X because I am whoopass incarnate.

You can't get ye flask.

Joke's on you, I am the flask. What now?

I'm certainly not going to tell thou.

Darn it.

Hee hee!

Seriously, topic two. Waldorf, how about you pick one?

Me?

I don't see anyone else in here named Waldorf, do you?

Very funny, Laurie. Okay, um... wait, what sorts of things do you guys usually discuss in here?

You asked to be part of a session without knowing what we talk about? Come on, Wally.

I know what you talk about, geez! But you told me earlier that there weren't any standout troubles to work through.

Nothing standout, no. At least not in this half of the discussion. God knows what'll happen later. But that doesn't mean there's nothing to discuss. Go on, throw something at us.

Figuratively?

Heck, if you want to literally throw something then do that too, I don't mind.

'Kay, catch!

Did you just throw your chair??

Hey, she said throw something.

Laurie how did you even catch a chair!!

Easy, like this. You wanna take notes, get a bloody pen. Wally, you ain't gettin' this back now, y'hear?

Fine, enjoy your superfluous chair. I'll just... I'll just sit on this entire couch, how's that?

Hey, you're not allowed to sit on the couch!

Watch me!

We are probably confusing that invisible audience something fierce right now.

I don't care, man, this is funny.

I'm sitting on the co-ouch! I'm getting cyber-cooties all over it and there's nothing you can do abooouut iiit!

Cyber cooties?

Uh, yeah, cause of my hair?

Fair enough.

So basically you're just getting your hair all over the couch. What the heck, Waldorf.

Hahaha!

You're all silly.

That's the name of the game son. All right, now that miss blueface is gone, let's keep talking business for once.

Hey-- no fair, you're doing that on purpose!

Yep, that we are. S'what you get for sitting on the couch. Don't you stick your tongue out at me.

Mmleuh. I'll do what I want.

Fine. Be that way.

And give me my chair back.

No, you threw this furniture at me, finder's keepers.

Then I'll just sit over here!

Fine.

Fine!

I wish I had a camera right now.

You've got a Xanga session, that's even better.

He's been writing this down??

Yeah, that's what he does.

Ffff-- I'm sorry, I just derailed this worse than any of you guys did, then!

Yes, you did. Congratulations, here's your award.

Ooh, thank you!

Laurie.

What?

I don't-- there's no visual accompaniment to these shenanigans, our readers are missing out.

Fine. I picked up a Christmas tree from this table and handed it to Waldorf, because she's the prettiest princess in all the land.

Princess of chairs!

There you go, that's gonna be your metainomen. Let's move on.

What, no! That doesn't even make sense!

I don't care, kiddo, you dug that grave, now you gotta sit in the thing. In that chair.

Dun dun dun!!

Xenophon is giggling up a storm over this, that's pretty funny too.

You're funnier!

No, you are.

Nuh-uh, I'm a brain, and brains are silly.

Oh, snap. Jewel, your daughter just won the game.

What game?

The game.

Just play along with it, Xennie, we're all crazy up here.

You're the worst, boy.

No kidding!

And we all get it from you!

Things just got meta.

Times two.

Can I sit here for the rest of the session, actually?

Sure, I don't care. You're gonna have to move when Chaos comes in though, or Genesis, whoever I feel like messing with today.

Chaos. I think Genesis was messed with enough yesterday.

Okay, that was terrible.

Hey, you're laughing too!

Because it's funny, dammit.

You know, I actually don't mind getting this far off topic when stuff like this happens.

Same here.

What were we even talking about?

Stuff.

Basically.

Didn't you have stuff on your Blurty though, dad?

I have lots of stuff on there.

No, I mean stuff to talk about! You know what I mean.

I know, just teasing you. Couldn't resist. But she's right, actually. Mind if I check that real quick?

Sure, go right ahead.

Okay, let's see... all right, I put a small list together in November, but... Laurie, we just solved this first point, at least according to Chaos, didn't we?

Hm... yeah, I'd say so.

Really?

Uh, yes? Why the heck else would you be in such brilliant spirits lately? You've pretty much let go of that, thank God.

All right. Guess I just wanted your agreement on that.

And you got it.

Fantastic. Oh, and the second point deals with you, Wally?

Does it?

Yeah: it was about how, when I get confused by my emotions or thoughts, I tend to go mute.

Ohhh yeah, I hate that.

Pff.

I do! It's kind of scary, actually.

I hear ya. Just laughing at how immediate that reaction was.


Is that when you have to talk with signs?

Mm-hmm.

Wish I could do that.

You can dad, you'd just need a lot of signs.

Still need that cyberpunk gas mask of yours, though.

Hey, after Christmas, that's the first thing I'm allowing myself to buy. Mark my words. I found a really cool respirator that should work perfectly.

Sounds good. But the mute thing, that hasn't happened lately, has it?

No, because I haven't been talking.

Ah.

That helps?

Yeah. Speech, for me, is actually confusing no matter what I'm doing, thanks to my weird personal perspective.

Which is weird as heck upstairs.

You're not affected by it, are you?

Not directly, but I can feel your awareness moving around the room. There's a problem when you start looking through my eyes, which you have done unconsciously. That's what's weird as heck.

Sorry. It's just that sometimes you're looking in the direction I want to look.

Which is often at yourself.

I can only emote properly when I'm seeing myself in the third person, it seems. Otherwise I get too deeply into the other person's expressions, and that gets really confusing because of my "I'm always in 3rd person" thing.

Oh, wait, now I get it.

What?

If you see yourself in third person, then looking at other people must play havoc on your physical identity downstairs.

And it does.

Geez.

Has that always happened?

Unconsciously, but yes, to a very strong extent. It wasn't until 2008, when headspace became a thing, that I started to solidify into my own "self-expression," or in other words, the pseudo-physical manifestation of the energy that makes me me.

It had been a Klonoa-haired mess for about six years prior to that.

Oh geez, yeah. That's actually why I stopped drawing myself like that around 2004. It clashed loudly with my inner "feeling" and I couldn't explain why, which was deeply unsettling.

Took us years to figure out why, too.

Yeah, but that's fixed now.

How about downstairs? Not identifying with that, are you?

No, but it's severely confusing still, because when I'm not around people, I can't see myself in third person unless I'm looking in a mirror, and then I'm not looking at me... so unless I strongly project my own energy signature over the body, it's very easy to slip.

Have you been slipping?

No. At least I don't think so. I don't splinter anymore, but you know how sometimes I end up in that hyper-energy mode that isn't me either?

You think that's a splinter?

I don't know, but it's definitely not me, because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever it shows up, figuratively.

That's how you acted back in 2003, though, right?

For the most part, except for things like incidents with the guys, for obvious reasons. When I wasn't with them, then I was basically in that mode. And it didn't feel genuine back then, either.

Well that's not Jess, and it's not Jezebel either... sure as heck isn't Razor...

Razor is actually very similar. She's the same energetic vibe, but kicked up to eleven.

Kicked up to eleven thousand, you mean. Razor's a frickin psychopath.

True.

Daddy, the person you drew yourself as back then... if that wasn't you, who was it?

It was him back then, kid, if only because he identified with it then.

It was a purely constructed physical identity.

Yeah, I know.

But you're right, actually. There were very strong pieces of me in there. It was just... like looking in a funhouse mirror, I suppose. It was close enough to pass, but there was always something off about it.

And you think that the reflection in the mirror is that person, now that Nat's out of it?

Maybe. I dunno. Maybe it's just an echo at this point. It's rarely a problem now though.

That's good, then. Still, I am concerned about the obvious communication problems this is presenting.

Tell me about it! Is that only happening because of his perspective?

Mostly. But also because it's body dysphoria. Not the splinter-inducing sort, but the oddly static sort that's all "I don't hate this body, and it's actually not so bad, but the problem is that it isn't me! " I know identifying with the body is false anyway, but I can't yet seem to figure out how to overcome it in this lingering sense.

Question. Remember that time you channeled yourself to talk to your grandmother?

...Dude you think that could work?

Heck yes, it works when you channel us, and we look nothing like this body. So try doing that from now on. Consciously channel yourself, so that you're actually driving instead of plugging in commands from upstairs. That's probably why we're getting an echo.

Who drives if Jewel isn't in there, though?

No one, really. It's mostly automated. The only time Tar gets in is if there's a conscious slip, or fallout, and we don't get those anymore.

Ironically, those only happen if I'm driving, and then I leave.

Yeah, if you're not really in there, the bloody thing goes into standby, but then it's neutral ground.

What does that mean?

It means it's basically Switzerland. Neither upstairs or underground can hijack it unless Jewel gives the green light, and if he's not there, then nothing happens.

Which is why I like listening to music when I'm slipping. It removes me from the obligatory driver's seat, and therefore nullifies any hacking influences.

Because they go through you.

Yeah.

Why do they only go after dad?

Because he's the anchor consciousness here, whether he likes it or not. He's the one that needs the body to do things in this life. The rest of us up here are either walk-ins, who aren't technically anchored here at all, or headvoices, like myself, who are nonphysical and can't leave headspace for good unless we've got a bloody death wish.

Wait, really? I didn't know that.

It's true, Wal. Probably more true for Julie and I, but it affects you too. We're made of the same stuff that makes headspace exist, after all. And we're all anchored to Jewel by choice.

Hm. I guess you're right.

You know I'm right. That's how this works. The only person I can't figure out is Xennie, because the circumstances of her creation were just seriously weird.

I was born up here though, wasn't I?

No, Jewel found you in a sink, downstairs, half-dead, like a bloody dumpster baby.

Hey, I would never--

I didn't say you'd do anything of the sort. Fact is, you remember who was trying to abort every creation you had around that time?

...

Xenophon couldn't form on her own upstairs because she had two dads, of course, but also because it was too dangerous with Julie still lurking around. At least that's what I figure.

So you think her energy was slowly coalescing downstairs?

I don't know, why the heck else would she show up there instead of here?

I still don't think it was downstairs. I see Jewel Monsters downstairs all the time, but they're ghosting. Xennie seemed to be stuck between realms when I found her. Like, she couldn't stick upstairs so she showed up-- oh dude, now I get it!

What?

Its obvious. That sink has held way too much of my blood over the years. It's probably an energy sink, pun intended, as a result. I was a mess in 2011, thanks to failed suicide fallout and the psych ward. I stopped cutting though, and maybe that played a part in Xenophon showing up there instead?

How? Because of the blood?

Maybe. Maybe that's all it boils down to, was the fact that it all revolved around blood. Hence her eventual metainomen. For ages, blood to me was a sign of contrition, of heart-rending remorse, of agony. But blood is also a sign of life. For me to be leaking out life for ages, to atone for lives lost...

I get it.

Didn't you say I was the... the hundredfold thing, dad?

Yeah. Which is really what I'm just trying to reiterate, in different words.

Hm.

And I'll never forget what I said on the night of March 12th, either... I quote, "I hope to God that tomorrow is merciful." And it was.

Maybe that was all she needed to show up.

Maybe.

I'm glad I showed up dad, no matter how I did it.

Yeah. Me too.

I'm beginning to like listening, actually.

Was that passive-aggressiveness I just heard, princess?

No, I honestly do enjoy listening to you two talk. It's kind of fun.

Even when we're talking about bloody memories like this?

Well it obviously doesn't hurt anymore, so yeah. It's honest now. I like honesty.

So does Jo. No wonder you two are dating.

*shrug* We get along!

What the-- did you just make this conversation more surreal that it already was?

Huh?

You put a freaking asterisk action in there.

Because otherwise you can't tell I'm shrugging!

Watch this turn into a Sonic Chat when Chaos comes in.

You know what, fine. Don't blame me when this degenerates into drunken lunacy.

Hey, it would be fun!

Not today.

Aw.

Dad what's a Sonic Chat like?

It's insane. Don't do it.

Were you ever in one?

No, thank God.

I don't think Laurie could handle the utter lack of coherency and rules in those things.

I've seen them.

You have?

Here and there, yeah! Plus I was technically in a few when I was still trying to anchor, too.

Oh yeah, I suppose you were!

I also remember when you used to have thought chats in 8th grade, ha ha!

Geez, don't bring those up, they were ridiculous.

Can we get back to the actual conversation now?

Sure. I was just contemplating what a Xanga Chat session would be like, and I think I broke my brain.

Does that mean I have to do that job now?

Kiddo, you look so adorably disappointed about that, it's priceless. And no, you don't.

I just don't want dad's brain breaking for real. That would be bad.

Yeah, mister Prince of Mind.

That's only if I invert, and only according to one test result!

Still legit, bro. You be careful.

Will do.

What's next on the discussion board though?

Dysphoria. I think we just covered that, actually.

See, this is why tangents are good.

Point taken.

Huh! I guess that does work.

It does! But I don't know, should we star point 2 just in case it comes back?

What, the muteness? No, because if you remember to channel yourself, that shouldn't be a problem.

Ah.

Point 4 is "feeling worthless in the eyes of the world." I daresay that was Utah fallout, hm?

Mostly.

You over that yet, kid?

Yeah. That's also why I've been so happy lately. I'm not judging myself anymore.

Let's bring up Utah again real quick. I know you were discussing this with me earlier, but I want to make sure it's written down. What are you missing about that, for real?

Being around people that knew what I've been through over the past few years, and didn't treat me as insane because of it.

I thought you said that was a double-edged sword?

It was. Because I think they knew the 'old me' better than they did the real me? Which is understandable, because there are hundreds of Julie-era records online, which no longer apply to who I am. Anyway that's not important, and it's not what's bothering me.

Then what is?

The fact that those two were the first and only people on this planet that knew my dark past, accepted my inner reality as true, AND cared about me more than I had ever dared imagine. The problem was that it was sadly one-sided; I didn't know them, even after several years! I gave them huge amounts of who I was, and never got the same in return. So when they suddenly cut all contact with me last month, saying they "didn't understand me," it hurt because so much time and effort was lost. These were the only two people I had EVER been close friends with down here. So having all that just collapse after so long was highly disorienting. I have no idea how to make friends; they were both instances of sheer luck, and maybe that was the fatal break in the chain holding it together.

Possibly. I daresay that lack of understanding really stung the most, though.

Only because I would have put money on those two never saying it. I've had everyone else throw those words at me before, practically-- teachers, doctors, acquaintances, parents-- and then, when I finally found two people who got the weirdest stuff, they STILL were unable to understand me enough to actually be around me without distress. Which confuses me because I really don't understand what they don't get, but oh well. These things happen.

So you've let go?

Yeah. I mean, I miss them on an intellectual level, but that's about it. It's not genuine and it would be dishonest to complain about it.

What do you mean by "it's not genuine?"

I don't miss them. I miss the experience of having people call me by my real name, and stuff like that. That says a lot about our relationship, actually, and it's probably why it fell through. I feel that's my fault, though. Melody called me selfish several times, and I understand why, but to be honest it always felt one-sided in my favor and I thought that was mostly intentional?

The heck do you mean?

They kept saying I was moving "for my benefit," in one way or another. I guess the way they kept wording things made me assume that they were putting a disproportionate amount of focus on me. So when I moved out there, I kind of assumed that was the reality, when I was actually smothering them with my presence, especially with all my troubles and oddities. I guess none of us thought the situation through, again, and I am sorry that it happened that way. But like I said, all that's in the past, and it's over now. I've washed my hands of it, and frankly I'd like to not discuss it anymore as a result. No hard feelings, but I'm honestly tired of digging up something that's already buried.

Fine by me, I was just double-checking that you were over it.

I am, believe me. Took a little while, but we're good.

Just want to mention that the whole trip was an overwhelmingly positive experience, though.

Oh geez, it was. I absolutely loved my time out there, at least what I remember of it. My memory likes to remember snapshots and that's it, which does bias it towards the positive, but hey. I'm not complaining, because now when I look back I just smile.

Good to hear.

Point 5 is doubt, and that was crushed thanks to Utah as well, thank you old friends.

Seriously, that was beautiful.

I even got to talk to you!

Twice, you moron!

Haha, yeah, sorry about that first time.

Don't, it's awesome to look back on for me too. Distressing as ever at the time, but I'd be lying if said it's not fun to remember.

You threw me like a chair!

I kind of did, haha.

I wish I had showed up earlier, it sounds like you had fun out there.

We made smoke pancakes!

Oh dude yes! That was absolutely hilarious!

Was that the day you had the porch door open in freezing weather all evening?

Yes, I couldn't stop laughing. I had like four fans on too. And I was sitting on the living room table eating smoke pancakes with Xennie and just cracking up. We just had a horrible stove in that kitchen, to say the absolute least.

Remember the day we went for the walk to Turiyas, dad??

Of course I do, that was stunning.

We made rose potions!!

I remember that. And you, you ridiculous romantic, you were picking roses for like an entire week in October for every day you didn't see Chaos.

Yeah, I had wanted to give them to him when Jacob finally channeled him again, but unfortunately that didn't pan out. However I do remember that on the last night I had my Bible Study, two days before I flew out, Chaos walked home with me so I picked him a rose right there and told him about my plan, haha.

Man I wish I could've seen his face.

It was one of those moments I wish I could have filmed, yeah. Just gorgeous honest moments like that.

I sure missed a LOT out there, gosh.

Sorry, love. I wish I lived closer to an actual place I could walk around, so that we could have grand adventures together here too. Then again, school always seems to fit that bill.

Genesis is a lucky man.

Xenophon too, remember she ghosted with me a lot last semester.

I did! And I always ran up the stair railings.

Because you're silly.

Noooo I don't wanna be a brain dad!!

Hahaha!

Is this going to be an injoke? Please say yes.

Yes.

Thank God. I love nonsense like this.

Speaking of injokes... Laurie.

Come on, man, that one's not supposed to be publicized!

Which one?

Jewel and I randomly decided one evening that I am an injoke. Just me, because why the heck not.

And you just publicized it, shame on you.

I don't give a damn, Kanye shrug, cool sunglasses gif, and that's enough injokes for now.

She actually put on shades, by the way.

Yeah, Laurie, it's like this! *puts on the sunglasses* *DEAL WITH IT*

Oh what the heck, Waldorf.

You really despise those asterisks, haha.

It feels so frickin weird!

Daddy, can we get back to talking? I wanna see my other dad before it gets too late.

The kid has a point.

Ssh!!!

Heh. But sure, kid. Jewel, is there anything more to discuss that doesn't involve a certain blue dude being in the room to contribute?

Uh, hm... not really? Since my death drive and stomach void are pretty much gone, I--

Pretty much gone?

Well, there's still a bit of each, but they aren't affecting me actively. I think they're just fading.

They'd better be. I'm just concerned that you still want to die this Friday, even, though that's not going to happen.

Dad why do you want to die?? You can't die like that!

I don't know what I want. It's just homesickness is all. It's waking up in the morning and not knowing how to deal with a world that's still angry and ignorant to unity and compassion in so many places.

That's changing, kid. You don't need to die to begin again.

I know. So maybe that's all I have to, is remember that, and keep on trucking.

But daddy, you can't die, because you're already home up here.

Home is where the heart is, and vice versa.

Yeah. That too.

Don't leave your kid without a father.

I won't. I swear I won't.

Please, dad.

Cross my heart, Xennie.

Okay. Cause I worry about you, you know.

I know.

I actually worry about you too, whether you know it or not.

Really?

Sure! Remember 7th grade? The crystals in the sky?

Dude, of course I remember that, that was one of the most beautiful dreams I've ever had!

And who was it that promised to take you back there one day? You, and Ryou, and Maitru, and me?

...

Yeah. I plan on keeping that promise, one day, when I figure out how. I'm trying. But I can't do that for you if you die, either.

Daddy, what's she talking about?

You know that forest I always talk about, the one I call "there?" On top of the icy mountain, with crystals in the air?

The dream place? Is that the one that looks out over dad's old home?

Yeah.

Wait, what does it look out over?

You know in Sonic Adventure, when you visit Mystic Ruins in the past as Amy? And if you look out over the edge of the cliff, you can see a river running through the rainforest below? For some reason, that view is the absolute closest anything has come to the view from the crystal forest in that dream. I took a rough screenshot from Youtube, here, in case anyone else wants to see it.

Wow. I had no idea, actually.

But because of the obvious emotional significance of that fact, and the way dreamspace tends to form around those things, I personally believe it's the exact same view.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Maybe we should bring him along next time, if I can figure out how to get us back there.

When, not if. You said you made a promise.

Hehe, I did. When I figure out how, then.

Daddy I wanna come too!

Then consider yourself on the list, love.

Yay!

Not to cut this short, but for like the fifth time, is there anything else we need to discuss before we bring the two maniacs in here? It's getting late.

My dad's not a maniac.

You haven't seen him drunk.

She has a point. Don't worry though, we've learned to keep him away from the champagne.

And Genesis away from the eggnog.

I remember that!

Funniest moment in a grocery store ever, that was.

What?

He literally grabbed a carton of eggnog off the shelf last year and drank it, right in the middle of the aisle. Of course no one could see him but me, but it was hilarious.

I'm still deadset on getting him and Chaos into a drinking contest one day, solely to see the results of it.

That needs to be recorded, whenever it happens.

Soon. Your anniversary is this Sunday, and New Year's is barely two weeks away.

Oh my gosh, don't tell me you're planning to trump last January...

Seriously, I am. I don't care how terrified I am, something is going to happen.


That's going to be amazing. Wow. You've got me stupidly excited now.

Good. Merry Christmas, because I don't know what the heck is going to go down then.

You said it!

You two say a lot.

*flips you off*

Ahahaha!! Yesss!!

Daadddyyy.

Yes sweetheart?

Can we get Chaos in here soon please? I'm getting tired.

She's right, we suck at holding actual conversations when there's no actual list to go from. Jewel, you said we were done as far as casual discussion goes, correct?

Aye-aye, captain. The only thing we need to do is a recap, and that can wait until after Christmas.

No kidding, Sunday alone is going to need an update of its own, I'll tell you that already.

Oh you don't even know. No matter what happens, it's going to be gorgeous.

What needs to be recapped?

Basically all the stuff that's happened since June.

Whoa. How long is that going to take?

Not as long as you think. Knowing Jewel, he'll want to skim over Utah, save for the obviously relevant bits, which can easily be summarized since vocabulary doesn't do them much justice anyway.

Tell me about it.

July, I dunno. The heck even happened in July?

A lot, actually. June and July were the end of the semester, and the tiny break before Utah, so the disconnect from headspace hit me hard and I was getting swamped by inner problems.

Problems that we've solved since then, I hope?

Basically. There is an old entry with a huge list of 'em, but I'll review that on my own time and get back to you on it.

Sounds cool. Anything else?

Uh... just lots of media synchronicity and Dream World work, it looks like, as I had a major creativity burst in June. So I didn't update much during those two months. But we didn't talk much between January and June, either.

We did discuss the 17th, if that's what you're thinking of.

I know, that was painful. But we didn't discuss the Daley nights, or Island, or Holy Saturday, or having to let go of everything in one sense or another. And a lot happened with Celebi over the spring and summer in any case, so I think she deserves a more significant mention here. All our outspacers do.

Fair enough. But really, kid, I don't think a lot of early 2012 needs to be discussed again?

Not discussed, just recapped. Just mentioned to give the invisible audience a rough idea of what the heck's been going on this year, in our absence. Because a lot has been going on, even if it's been mostly behind the scenes.

Yeah, now that you mention it, we've made some insane progress since January.

We have. But I dunno, I think a few of these points deserve a revisit, looking back on some of these old entries... even if it's only a reread on my part.

Well, don't get mired down in old thoughts. Capisce?

I hear you, yeah. But I did a heck of a lot of spiritual practice this spring because of how desperate I was. I didn't realize it until now, but although the medium changed, I'm still getting the same effects?

Now you're getting the meditation feeling without meditating, which is good.

Yeah. Now I don't have to be in a church to feel like I'm in one, if that makes sense.

It does.

Sorry guys, we're talking too much again.

You said you were done but you're not!

We suck at finishing things, that's a fact at this point.

Do I have to take my chair and leave?

You try and I'll break your fingers.

Haha.

Wally, you seem oddly unfazed by Laurie's personality.

Hey, you remember what I acted like back around 2003!

Point.

Why, what'd she act like? You keep referencing things before my time so I'm not sure.

Like a non-swearing, harmlessly violent version of you, almost.

What.

I've calmed down since then, hehe. Just a little.

Yeah, the void tends to do that to ya. But man, I might have to hang out with you more now.

Haha!

Ooh, if you do, can I hang out with her too? I like her, she's nice.

Sure, kid, whatever you say.

I love how you're like this stand-in parent for Chaos and I when we're not around.

Hey, I love this little dude just as much as you both, it's the least I can do.

Hee!

Speaking of Chaos, uh...

We swapping out the blues now?

Yep, you get your butt out of here before I toss you out with the chair.

*crosses arms* Try it.

You seriously provoking me?

Yeah! Go on, toss me.

Wally, she's gonna toss your butt out the door if you don't move first!

She won't, just watch. *sticks out tongue*

Oh, that's it, now you're asking for it.

You didn't do the asterisks!

You want asterisks? You can't handle these asterisks! *picks up chair and flings it*

Dude!!

Whaahhaha!! Nice one!

You're not supposed to jump out of it in midair!

You never said I couldn't! Hehe!

Don't make me flip this table.

Do it.

Laurie, don't trash the penthouse.

She started it.

Pfffahaha!!

Xennie, I'm sorry you have to watch these two maniacs.

No dad, it's okay, I'm just shocked that Wally jumped!

What do you think, 10 out of 10?

11!!

Woo!! Wait till I tell Jo, he's gonna flip.

Jo's my apprentice, you know, I'll throw a chair at him too if he pushes my buttons.

He'd throw it right back!

Good, then we'll make a game out of it.

Calvinball!!

Heheh, exactly.

No really, we need to switch the mood in a few minutes, so stop throwing the furniture and shake hands or something.

Are you serious? Come on, Jewel.

Be nice, Laurie.

Fine.

Yeah, you're lucky I'm not a real princess, or you'd be in trouble.

Hey, there's idea.

What?

A princess is an heir, right? So that would make you... an heir of chairs. 

Psh! Who am I inheriting the chairs from then?

Hm... Chaos.

Is he the king of getting on your nerves?

Pretty much. Speaking of...

I know, I know.

Daddy can I stay to say hi to him please??

Sure thing, love.

Guess that's my cue to go.

*salutes* Fare thee well, space princess.

*salutes back* Space princess of chairs!

Heck yeah, that's the spirit!

Haha, see, I catch on quick. *turns and waves goodbye*

Aaaand that's all, folks.

*holds up a sign that says "applause"*

*applauds!!*

Xennie, no exclamation points in the asterisks.

But it's a happy applauds!!

Okay, fine.

*bows* Thank you, thank you!

Oi! The door is behind you!

Don't ruin my exit!

Don't make me chase you down the hall.

Fine!

Come on guys, be nice.

I am being nice.

Really, it's been fun, Laurie.

Yeah, you too. Say hi to Jo for me.

With a chair?

Preferably, yes.

Haha, okay!

Not that one.

Not touching that one!

Good. Now make like a tree and get the heck out of here.

Pfff, whatever you say, couchmaster!

Couchmaster?

You wouldn't let her on the couch.

Yeah, but-- aah, whatever.

At least you had her laughing. That was awesome.

Why isn't Wally allowed on the couch?

She's allowed on it, I was just busting her.

Oh.

I do that to everyone.

I know, I was just asking because I wanna sit on the couch too.

Xennie, as far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever you want. The couch is yours. Knock yourself out.

Yay! Is it fluffy? It looks fluffy.

I can make it fluffy.

Make it fluffy dad!!

All right, here goes... aaand poof! Flufftastic.

Eeee!!

Now that's adorable.

Daddy it's sooo soooffft!!!!

That's the point, love. You want me to put a couch in your room like that?

Um! I don't know? It's kinda big, dad!

You can always camp out down here if you want, I'll keep an eye on you.

Mmkay Laurie. But I'm only gonna sleep in here until Daddy leaves.

Do we want her around while we're talking?

That's up to you.

Man, I dunno.

Let's ask the other dudes then.

Sounds like a plan. Call 'em in.

All right, hold on...

...

...Whose chair is this?

What chair?

This chair. In the middle of the floor.

Not my chair, not my problem.

Oh come on Laurie, now you're obviously responsible for this.

Fine, I threw it at Waldorf.

You threw it?

At Waldorf?

Well actually no, I threw it while she was still sitting in it.

...

Your face, right now, deserves to be framed. Just letting you know that.

Laurie, you are an absolute maniac.

Nah, I just get annoyed by blue people. You're cool though.

I've never seen you flip out at Ryou.

He's lucky, he's a nice kid. But just wait, one day he'll do something just annoying enough and bam, I'm gonna flip this entire table. Mark my words.

I think you'd traumatize him.

*shrug*

Did you just--?

Hi daddy!!

Oh-- hi Xenophon! You're still awake?

Yeah and this couch is really really comfy and I'm gonna sit on it aaallll the time now.

That couch was never that fluffed up before, was it?

Nope, just did that now. Tempted to leave it that way if she loves it so much.

Pleeeease pleasepleaseplease leave it fluffy!!!

I think we have a majority vote in favor of the fluff, Jewel.

Then it's settled. The fluff stays!

Whee!! Hahahaha.

She just fell over backwards onto it. That was adorable. You could've used asterisks, kid!

I didn't feel like it I just wanted to fluff!!

Is this asterisks thing new?

Yeah, blame Waldorf. It caught on quick.

Looks like it.

So, uh... are we talking?

That's actually what we were gonna ask you two. Xenophon wants to chill on the chair, but we weren't sure if she should stick around for this half of the conversation or not. Figure it was mostly up to you, Gen.

Um...

Genesis if you don't want me to stay I can go to bed. I probably just wanna sleep anyway.

That... could you, actually? This is going to be tough for me the way it is.

Mmkay. Let me just say goodnight to everybody. Couch first. *hugs!!*

Hahaha.

It's fluffy, Laurie!!

I know, you're just ridiculously cute.

I know you tell me that all the time.

That's cause it's true.

Okay. Good night Laurie.

'Night, kid. Sweet dreams and all that.

And good night to you Genesis! I'll wave at you from over here.

Haha, okay.

And now goodnight to my daaaad.

Hug attack?

Wha-- eeeee!!!!

Haha, I've wanted to do that for a while.

Heeheehee!!!

G'night, love. I'll come check on you later if you're still awake.

Probably not but I might wake up when you come in so okay. Now put me down, I gotta say goodnight to my other dad.

You want me to pick you up too?

Maybe. If you want.

Okay, you asked for it.

Eeeee!!

How much more adorable can this family get?

Is that a challenge?

Dad this is really high up!

Too high?

No! Just really high!

You're lucky we're not outside, or I'd pick you up even higher.

Nonono, I've gotta go to sleep.

You want me to walk you upstairs kid?

Mmm, no, I can go by myself. Okay dad, I'm going to sleep. Good luck Genesis.

Oh, uh... thank you.

Uh-huh! Bye everybody! And Laurie, don't throw the fluffy couch!!

I won't, Scout's honor.

Kay! Bye!

Bye, sweetheart.

Good night, Xennie!

See ya, kid.

Man, she really loves that couch, I'm surprised.

Hey, fluff is addictive. Unfortunately there's been a lot of fluff in this session already, so now we've gotta buckle down and talk about heavier stuff. Genesis?

What?

Chaos, is he okay?

He's okay, believe me. We've talked about this on our own earlier. He's just nervous around you.

Why the heck are you always so nervous around me?

I told you, it's because you give off a vibe that I'm not exactly comfortable with!

And why the heck is that?

Let's just say I haven't known many people that keep so many walls up, and the ones I have haven't been the nicest people to be around.

...You'd better not be comparing me to who I think you are.

Not you. Just the impression you give me.

Well what the heck else do you want me to do? Something tells me you'd be even more disturbed if I dropped all the walls, since they actually make you feel safer. Am I right?

...

Genesis?

Sorry. I'm still too sensitive for my own good.

At least you're not an empath like me. Actually no, that might actually help in this situation...

How?

'Cause of Laurie. I've spent enough time around her to know what she's really giving off. Back when she had tons of walls up and hadn't even opened up to Jewel very much, she was a tough character. Now she's not so bad.

Oh sure, just sabotage my reputation, go right ahead.

I'm not sabotaging anything, Laurie. The fact is, you need to stop trying so hard to be who you were in the past too. You don't need to be so standoffish anymore, especially not around us. And Genesis, you need to stop freaking out over threats that don't exist anymore. Maybe you and I perceive energy differently, but she's no threat to you, even with an axe.

...

She's not. I can attest to that.

...listen, you guys, I said there needed to be a switch in mood but I didn't expect this.

Why, you got a problem with it?

No, it's just that I can 'switch moods' like this now and I'm not exactly used to it yet.

...

Laurie?

What?

Do you... I don't know, I'm not even sure what I'm asking...

You want to help.

Yeah.

You can feel this too, and you want to alleviate the pain somehow.

If you want.

...Kid, for heaven's sake, I appreciate the gesture, but first? You can't be siphoning off your soul so bloody carelessly.

But I care about you, Laurie, I love you, and I don't want you suffering like--

Listen to yourself! Is that how a true heart-healer talks?

...No, actually. I'm sorry, I kind of... wasn't thinking.

Obviously not. You never think of how much damage you're passively doing to yourself. Listen. Yeah, this hurts, but it is not something I want to erase. And it's not something I'd consider worthy of you burning yourself out for. Not to get rid of it.

All right.

Stabilize. Sorry for the sudden emotional switch, I know that's hard on you sometimes. But keep your head on straight. Chaos?

Emotions hit me differently. Jewel reacts, I kind of... absorb.

Yeah, which is why I'm looking at you. You're worse than him when things get crazy, for obvious reasons. And Genesis?

...What?

For heaven's sake, I'm not going to hurt you, and I sure as the same ain't gonna trivialize what you're dealing with. If you want this conversation to be completely serious, then I'm all for it. No jokes, no teasing, no messing around. Just straight up honest discussion. Now are you going to stop cringing around me?

...Yeah. Sorry.

It's fine. I know I'm tough to be around. But come on, it's not like I have any sharp edges anymore. You can blame your dreamer for that. Thank you, by the way.

You're welcome.

So. The heck is our discussion topic here? I don't want to get on any tangents in this conversation.

I want to talk about last night.

Fair enough. Where to start, then?

I... I'm not sure.

I've got a question. What's our main concern about last night?

He's reacting like you used to.

Really? Why?

Jewel, for heaven's sake, you had a bit of a hard time recovering yesterday too.

I thought I was responsible somehow! I don't want to manipulate people!

You didn't manipulate anyone, Jewel, everyone had a complete say in what happened. You just feel more heavily involved as you're the channel for all of that. And I'm sorry if it was painful in any way.

No, I just... it's the old corruption fear is all.

And that fear isn't relevant anymore.

The Tar's still around.

Yeah, but it can't do a bloody thing when you're around. And if I'm not mistaken, you were 100% around last night.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Jewel's worried about it though.

No, I'm over that. It's just that that was the knee-jerk reaction. I know better than to give it any real merit now, since I know myself well enough.

Good. Now Genesis, sorry for interrupting, but go on. What's worrying you?

I... is this what you felt like with Celebi, Jewel?

...What?

This... kind of feeling like, "was I really being honest? Or was I just giving in?" I don't know. And that's what's bugging me.

Genesis, we discussed this.

Yeah, but we couldn't really answer that!

You told me you've given that serious thought for a while.

Sure, but that doesn't mean anything! Thought can easily drown out real motives sometimes, you know that.

And what did you tell me your motives actually were?

...

Genesis?

To... to just, kind of, express that?

Express what?

I don't know, I can't exactly put it in words.

Well geez, don't get all touchy. Vocabulary frequently fails up here. No reason to get upset.

Yeah, it is, because then that's the only way I know how to say it, and that strikes me as being kind of overkill, you know what I mean?

How the heck is it overkill if that is the only way you can think of to say it? Don't you think that gives it a little more merit than you're considering?

Genesis, you're getting confused.

With what?

With what you and I have been through. Laurie and Chaos don't have that sort of thing to speak from, you know.

...

...Oh. Listen, I'm sorry, I almost forgot that...

S'okay. Well actually, no, that's not my place to say that. It's okay in my case. I don't know about Genesis.

...It's fine. I think if Laurie had to deal with that, she wouldn't be here right now.

No kidding, I'd be dead as soon as it happened. So my heart goes out to you, kid. I'm sorry.

It's okay, really. It just... makes things confusing.

Laurie, are we going to have to go all June 29th on him or what?

Haha, no, I remember when Jewel went through that. It's just that I... never thought I'd be in this position.

Question.

What?

How the heck is this a parallel to the 29th?

It's not. It's a parallel to the 17th.

Then you talk to him.

I mentioned the 29th because Genesis didn't have any fallout with Jewel, but Jewel had almost suicidal fallout with me. So it's similar in that respect alone.

Yeah, but he specifically mentioned Celebi earlier and then we changed the subject. Actually, Jewel, should we get her in here?

Celebi?

Yeah, why the heck not? You want to talk to her? She's never had any trouble with her motives, and if Chaos couldn't get the point across to you, of all people--

It's not that! It's not that. I understand what he's saying. I don't have a problem with that, you know, the fact that I did it.

Then what the heck is bothering you?

The implications.

What bloody implications? There are no implications up here, Gen.

But that's big! That's really significant, and I'm not exactly the sort of person that's comfortable with that sort of thing!

How so?

I just... I'm... I'm not like Jewel. I'm not. It's hard for me to... to open up like that.

So you're being a hypocrite when you yell at me for my walls, is that it?

It's not that I have walls, it's that I have a freaking lack of them!! You don't have a busted gem right in the middle of your freaking chest that is effectively a self-destruct button!! When I get close to people, guess what? That opens up, whether I like it or not! That's a window to my soul, Laurie, and the first time I ever had that opened up wasn't exactly a positive occasion!!!

...

I don't know how Jewel does it. I really don't. Maybe he's never had his soul broken into, but I don't understand how he can just break pieces of it off and hand them to people like roses or something.

Uh, Genesis, last time I checked, the kid did have his soul broken into.

...When?

You ever hear of the Tar? What about Julie?

I've dealt with Julie, back when she was still evil!! I know what she did to him, and me!!

But you didn't have her living in your bloody head and constantly trying to take over your body, did you?

...

Forgot about that bit, huh? S'okay, I'll let it slide. Upstairs, we tend to take that fact for granted... you know, the fact that we all have our own minds. Headvoices don't get headvoices. Jewel ain't so lucky. Yeah, the both of you were dealt the short end of the stick when it came to her methods of abuse, but Jewel had it a heck of a lot worse than you. Then again, like you said, he doesn't exactly have a busted up soul gem in the middle of his chest. At least, not literally, am I right?

Don't downplay what he's been through, Laurie. He's suffered a lot more than I have in some ways.

In some ways. The both of you have differing experiences, and differing extremes in different areas, I know that way too well. Point is, he needs to understand that this isn't what he's dealt with before.

I know it isn'!! It's just close enough to hurt really badly, you know!

Then why the heck didn't it hurt with Jewel?

Because it wasn't like that with Jewel. I brought up Celebi because Jewel told me about that, and how he felt. He... wasn't sure about whether or not he should have went that far.

I am now.

...

Yeah, it took me several months, a failed suicide attempt, way too many new scars, and several tearstained fights with her. It got to a point where I actually hated her. But it was all outwardly projected, Gen. And when I got over it all, I realized that beneath all that garbage, I did love her. Maybe it was an entirely different sort of love, one that I wasn't familiar with. But it was love, God knows it was love, and that's why I kept trying, no matter how tough it was for me, because what was getting in the way wasn't honesty of intention. It was my inability to stop judging the surface situation and understand what was actually going on.

But--

But what, Gen? You asked me, not the other way around. And you explained why before anything happened. It sounds more to me like you're unable to stop judging yourself.

I know, you said that before...

But you wouldn't answer me when I asked you what you were judging. Was it honesty?

...Not honesty, just...

Category. You're trying to put this in boxes, just like Jewel used to, and I am so sick of seeing you people doing that. You think I said yes on January 1st because I was thinking about bloody categories? Heck no!

But you wouldn't say that to Chaos!

Chaos didn't ask. And I didn't ask him. If I'm not mistaken, you did.

Gen, you were being honest, weren't you?

Yes, I--

Then why the heck are we still freaking out over this?

Because--

He's afraid he jumped the gun.

...Yeah.

Genesis.

What?

How is that jumping the gun if you said you'd thought about it, in total seriousness, for almost a year?

...

He's just having a hard time settling into his decision then. No worries, I did too. You remember the black hole thing, right Jewel?

But of course.

Too bloody early for me. I didn't have time to think about it. Ten months later though, you can bet that I followed through on that promise, and then some.

Stars, dear.

My point exactly.

...

Genesis?

...Yeah?

I do love you, you know. Definitely in a different way than I love Jewel, but it's still something. Don't know if that helps or not.

It does, it's just...

Not something you've actively thought about.

Not exactly, no.

I still say we've gotta stop putting this into categories.

What sort of categories? Don't you mean levels?

Nope, levels are totally different, but they play into categories. When you put this into categories, you start locking it out of certain levels. Oh, I put it into this box? Well then to heck with this color, and that one, and that one. When really all you're doing is limiting your perspective. Don't get me wrong, you can still choose not to tread into certain colors, but the point is you need to do so of your own actual volition, and not out of obligation to a nonexistent bloody label.

Really, if Marik and I can stop hating each other long enough to be so honest, then hey--

He doesn't count, you two are practically "frenemies" at this point.

We are not.

Only because Ryou is the middleman.

Hey, no labels, Laurie.

Come on man, I'm just joking around. Or not.

Yeah, diamonds go without saying.

Daresay that's more relevant than we'd like to admit right now?

Ugh, why is this so hard to wrap my mind around...

I think you just need time, love.

Yeah, probably.

What's so distressing though?

Just... crossing the Rubicon, like Chaos said. Realizing that whoa, I actually trust him as much as I trust you, that's new! Except it's not, and now I'm just having a really hard time getting my brain to match up with my heart and it's not the easiest thing in the world, you know.

Well, if you need a brain...

Shut up Laur, no jokes.

Couldn't resist that one, sorry.

You all right now, Gen?

As all right as I'm going to be for the time being.

That's kind of what I was asking.

Yeah, sometimes you just need to up and shout at people. It's cathartic.

No wonder we get along so well!

Don't make me asterisk you, boy.

Haha, okay. But really Gen, if you want to talk to me about this, I'm open. If not, that's fine too.

I just want to know how you can do that so freely now? If you've been through so much, and you're the one who insists on the importance of the soul, how can you just... do this?

Because I'm not losing anything. I'm giving. Like Laurie said, it's not about categories. I know very well what I'm giving, and I don't treat it lightly at all. However, there are two things I always keep in mind. One, that everything is love, and in the end we're all united anyway, so to me it's all resonance. I'm not 'breaking' anything. And because of that, point two is this: when I treat this like I do, guess what? It has absolutely NOTHING to do with broken gems or shadow claws or blood or bones. Nothing. You remember the mythological title I got slammed with, right?

Yeah.

Then there you go. I was terrified of it at first because I knew what had been painted over its surface. But when I stepped back, and looked deeper, and got down to the very core of it...

You found life.

And I found love. Over and over, in more ways than I thought possible. But there it was. Every single time. So please, Gen, if you can look at yourself and see that, then you have nothing to worry about.

...All right.

Are we cool on this now?

As much as we're going to be.

He just needs time, like you said.

Yeah.

Can I point out the irony there, or would you hit me if I did?

Well, it's obvious now, and I can't hit you anyway.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Would it help?

Chaos, all I really need to do right now is stop contradicting myself. I won't get anywhere if I keep insisting something is wrong. I know all of you are right. That's the same stuff I've told myself.

You just need to believe it now.

Yeah. Easier said than done.

Not quite. Get your mind out of it, and you'll be fine.

Speaking of minds and souls. Chaos, when the heck was that insane morning? November 12th or 18th?

You don't have that written down?

Hey, I'm just as shocked as you are! But remember how hard it was to get up that morning. I wouldn't be surprised if I was on cloud nine for the next 24 hours.

No kidding. You're sure you don't have it recorded though?

Let me check my Chrome history, actually... looks like the 18th? I don't think I had started reading Bleach yet, and I ordered those two keychains the same day.

Sounds legit. I'm just shocked you didn't record it.

I probably tried to, but a LOT happened in November so it probably got lost in the shuffle. Which is ridiculous, but apparently it happened.

Hey, you two?

Yeah?

You wanna close this up or what?

Already?

Sure. It's really late, Genesis looks like he could use a break, and Jewel, I don't think you can hold a channel for much longer anyway.

It's been a long evening, yeah.

Don't worry, if we're all still alive with access to a computer after Christmas, we'll talk on here again.

Not saying anything for certain yet, huh?

Heck no. Even with that promise you made, and everything the boss keeps telling me, I don't--

Wait, you call my boss your boss too?

Why not? He's awesome.

Whoa, that puts him pretty high up on the charts!

Hey, I'm your boss too, and I say you get some actual sleep before your other one drags you off to work.

Good point. Genesis, once more, are you going to be okay?

Yeah. Just... it's a lot to deal with.

It is.

Our invisible readers probably have no clue what the heck is going on. Really, I'm not even sure at this point.

Yeah, it's been an... interesting session.

I still can't believe you apparently threw Waldorf.

I did, and I'll toss you out too if you don't get moving. People need sleep. Out.

Geez, you can give us a few minutes. It's been a long time since we've all been in here and honestly I'm kind of just enjoying the company.

Same here.

Really?

Yeah. Sorry I was judging everything so harshly. The world really isn't as threatening when I stop pretending I'm a target.

Well you're not, so stop doing that.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You probably could have, except it would have sounded a lot harsher.

Like what?

Hm?

I want to hear how she'd say it. Go on.

You're not a bloody target and nothing out there is going to kill you. So chill the heck out.

Thought so.

Hahaha.

Seriously, Genesis, you do realize that headspace is the safest place you could possibly be, in this situation or otherwise?

How do you mean?

I mean you've got me looking out for you, for one. Then there's everyone else up here. And then there's the fact that we're impervious to the hell downstairs that Jewel has to deal with every day, unless we actively choose to participate in it. Which you often do, I have to admit.

But it still can't touch me.

Exactly. And Jewel would never let anything harmful come near you, you know that.

You're right, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding.

No, not that, at least not entirely... I'm too tired to think straight.

Heh, that too. We've all had some pretty messed up sleep schedules lately, now that you mention it.

I assume that means no shenanigans tonight?

Heck no, there's been enough of those lately.

I was kidding.

I can never tell with you, man.

Good point.

But really, Jewel, lay off it for a while. I think you're rerouting the homesickness too much.

You're still getting that?

Yeah. I just don't talk about it as it's usually in the background regardless. I try not to let it bother me.

Problem is, when you make it unconscious, then it starts to surface unconsciously. Be careful.

I will be. Promise.

Seriously, save the sparkles for Sunday night, will you?

Yeah, we've gotta break last years record, you know.

Well God help me, my heart's probably going to explode.

In a good way, I assume.

Absolutely. Are we going to Dare-Gale it or do you think we can find something else?

That's up to you. As long as we can loop it for three hours or more, I'm fine with whatever you choose.

Sweet. I'll find something, promise.

Hey, and another thing.

What?

Since you're back into the swing of things, how about you draw something for Sunday?

Oh man, I really need to.

Then try to. I know your schedule is a mess, but honestly, put Saturday aside or something.

And then confirm that Facebook marriage request for heaven's sake.

Hahaha, that too! Make it official.

Ironically.

Well obviously, Facebook is junk but that way everyone on your newsfeed is going to be all "whoa what the heck?"

Interspecies marriage what? You have an alien daughter what?? When did this happen???

Ninth anniversary???? What?!?!

The punctuation just keeps getting crazier.

Hahaha.

No no no, you have to do it like Genesis did. Come on, say it.

Really?

Really. Do it.

Fine... WHAT?!?

Yes!!!

OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!

There it is!

Hahaha!

At least you're laughing now, that's good.

Yeah, it is. Thanks guys.

Hey, we're here for you. No matter what is going on, we're here to listen, and help as much as we bloody well can.

That means a lot coming from you, actually. Thanks.

Come on, man, you know I've had that offer out to anyone for months now.

Not explicitly. You've never actually said that to me.

Huh. I guess I didn't. Sorry.

It's okay. I should apologize for giving you the cold shoulder for so long.

You gave me the cold shoulder?

I did, actually. I guess part of me just couldn't fully accept how much you mean to Jewel now. I mean we've been friends for a while now, but casual conversation is one thing. Actually feeling safe in the same room as another person is another.

Good point. So are we there yet?

Yeah. I think last night locked it in.

How so, if you don't mind my asking?

Probably when you actually put your walls down around Chaos. I dunno, I think that's what... what made me decide for sure what I wanted to do. I'd never seen you do something like that, ever.

You've never seen me around Jewel?

Like that? No.

What?? Chaos, this man is out of the loop!

What, what did I miss?

I think Laurie and I have an unofficial rivalry going on now.

Unofficial.

Another one, not the one we already have, you moron.

Pff. I love how you have to specify that.

True though. But yeah, he's getting back at me for all the times I didn't knock.

Uh... how? Actually, do I want to know?

That's up to you, bud.

I still cannot believe you didn't chase me out.

Hey, I trust you enough not to, okay? And I couldn't care less if you're already in the room. You go forgetting to knock around me, though, and I'll slice your head off.

It'll grow back, haha!

Yeah, 'cause you're a mutant.

Better than not being one and not having my head grow back!

Point taken.

You two have the weirdest conversations.

Hey, you wanna jump right in, mister no-neck?

No wrists either, take that!

Can't behead him if you tried, he's already beat you to it.

Foiled again!

And I just don't die.

Yeah, see, you're the worst of us because I can behead you, and you'll still figure out a way to respawn after that.

Love never dies, haha.

You can't kill Cupid, I guess.

Obviously. You're lucky I even used to let you try.

Hey, I don't get the axe out anymore unless he asks, all right? No more wanton butchering going on up here.

Not unless Barry decides to come visit.

I'd like to meet him, but then another part of my brain just goes, "heck no."

That would be the sane part, dear.

Probably.

Hey, I thought you told me to get some sleep? I can't exactly do that if you're still talking.

That is true. Sorry kid.

I did ask for a few more minutes, though. That's my fault.

Yeah, to do what? Unwind?

Basically. Just so we weren't cutting this too short, too soon.

Sorry I ate most of the conversation, guys.

That's no problem, we don't like going to sleep with unsolved problems here anyway.

This is true.

So. Since we're terrible at closing conversations, how are we going to do this?

Haven't got a clue.

That depends on whether we want it to be serious or not.

I'm voting for serious, actually. I've been through enough crazy stuff this afternoon. Chaos?

I'm fine with whatever Genesis says.

I'll go for serious too. I think it matches the mood better.

Plus I did kind of forbid joking around at the beginning of this half. Can't go breaking my own rules all the time, you know.

Serious closing up, then. How to do that today, hm... first I think I will lay down on this couch.

What does that mean?

I'm a nut, I'm crazy in the coconut. But really, this boy's had enough therapy already.


Are you falling asleep?

Somewhat. So I'm sorry if translations are a bit off. I'm slowly drifting into poet mode, I think. Not there yet, but the potential's there.

I went into poet mode once, you know.

Straight-up?

Yeah.

Nice. Wish I could do that.

You don't sleep, so it'd probably be tricky...

Hey, I can sleep, I just choose not to, most of the time.

You did sleep that one night we were chilling in the impossible room, yeah.

Because I only sleep when I am absolutely sure things are safe. I'm so hardwired to protect everybody that it's really bloody hard to relax enough to sign off for the night.

I think it says a lot about our entire situation that you were able to, then.

It does.

Oh man, this song. Chaos, this one makes me think of you.

Nightingale?

Yeah.

How so, lyrics, or what?

Mostly the sound. Harmonies and all that. But the lyrics are relevant as always. Laurie and Genesis, I have to find more songs that make me think of you guys.

Well you did just stick that bloody song by P!nk on my wall...

Hey, it's accurate.

Which one was that?

True Love, ironically.

Accurate!

I didn't say it wasn't, you moron.

Proving the point...

Hey, you shut up too, man.

I'm sorry for not having been around lately, by the way.

I know. But I'm very happy you're here right now. I missed you a lot.

I know... I missed you too. I should have said where I was going.

Hey, I don't mind people coming and going without explanation, as long as I can find out whether or not they're okay. Problem was no one was sure where you had gone for a few days. That had me worried.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it love, really. As long as everything worked out okay in the end, I am fine with it.

You always are.

But of course. Now can I get some sleep?

Sure. Want me to leave first?

No, because then neither of us will want to leave afterwards.

Good point! So I've gotta chase you out first, cool. No chairs, Jewel?

No chairs, and I didn't say goodnight to anyone yet. I'll probably fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow so I won't be able to talk to anyone after this. So, we close up for the night now.

Works for me.

I love all of you. I really do.

We know.

No, like... a heck of a lot. You probably do know at this point but still. Trying to say it in words does it no justice. I'd kiss all of you but that's the sleep making me forget I'm still online, haha.

Then log off and then do it, why the heck not?

That's a good idea.

But you know what, that makes me think of something.

What?

The whole love thing we keep discussing. How we've got to stop putting it in categories, and just be entirely honest about it.

Yeah?

...I could probably say that to all three of you, for heaven's sake. Different context, of course, but it's the same thing each time. Really makes me think, considering those three words aren't something I've ever taken lightly, let alone dared to say for years.

...

Guess that's the point I've been trying to make with talking to you, Genesis. There's different ways to show it, sure. And you feel it differently for different people and all that. There's billions of variations on the same bloody thing. I guess that's why I find it so fascinating. I'd never really seen it that way until you stopped being afraid of it yourself, Jewel. And then that was it, that was the catalyst that sparked a billion flames, if you want to put it that way.

I like that way of describing it, yeah.

So there you go. I love all you guys. Coming from me, you already know that means a lot.

It does. Thanks, actually.

For what, saying it or feeling it?

Both. I mean, you hated me barely two years ago.

Two years is a heck of a long time, man. But you're welcome.

Genesis has this fantastic look on his face.

I'm thinking, okay?

Don't think too much, it rots your brain.

I can attest to this.

No, seriously, I'm just letting that sink in. It's not something I expected to hear.

Gotta stop putting expectations on things, kid.

Yeah, I know, but it's the truth.

So. I've said my piece, how about you, blue guy?

Well, you're the only person I haven't said it to here, because it's kind of awkward.

Then don't say it so directly. I didn't, for the same bloody reason.

And to think, last December around this time...

Hey, one snog doesn't prove anything.

Yes it does, actually.

I waited nine years for my first one downstairs!

Yeah, and then you two just went off the rails in that regard.

Nine years of waiting will do that.

I still wish someone had channeled me.

Heh, yeah, you kind of missed out. And we promised Xennie we'd try to get her through too, didn't we?

Yeah, but remember, that all banked on our channelers. You guys have heavy-duty energy, and you stick around. That stuff is seriously draining. You couldn't expect them to channel very often.

Especially when the person being channeled can't remember that humans have bones, you weirdo.

I said I was sorry, geez.

Or noses.

Or entirely different biological systems than you, wink nudge and a really loud cough.

I am never going to live that down, am I.

I thought it was hilarious. In a good way.

You would.

Course I would, I couldn't stop kissing him either.

So the point is, yes, one snog does prove a lot.

Come on man, we were all high on Cupid's energy here, that's all it proves.

Still.

Chaos, you'd kiss everybody that so much as looked at you if you could.

Hey, I'm an affectionate guy.

I think context plays into that too, though.

It does, it really really does.

Well fine, go ahead and punch a hole right through my teasing, why don't you.

Heh.

Maybe one day. But who knows.

Jewel just wants all four of us together.

It would be nice.

You are the only human in the world who would use "nice" to describe that concept.

Because it's different for us, duh. Different biology of course.

Which you are addicted to.

I won't deny that. That and sharp teeth.

Your addiction to fangs is hilarious to me, just saying.

Laurie if you had fangs I would be all over you.

Well.

He probably would. I mean look at me.

You are every one of my aesthetic weaknesses put together. That or you're the reason I have them.

I'd put my money on the latter.

Same.

I have never been so thankful to have fangs in my life.

Hahaha!!

All right, before Jewel starts hitting on everyone, let's get to sleep.

I'm just kidding around, seriously man. I hit on everyone the way it is.

He has a point.

Still... can we all just agree that there's an unquestionable sort of unspoken love between all four of us that is awesome and gorgeous and worth everything we've been through to get here, because that's one of the top three things I'm the most thankful for in the entire world and I am really tired.

Of course, that's obvious at this point.

It is, I agree.

Count me in, too.

Really?

Well, yeah, when you put it that way it really isn't that hard to see.

Good. Because you've always been the odd one out here and that ain't cool.

I'm trying to fix that, if you haven't noticed.

Oh, I have. Means a lot.

It does.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to follow Jewel off to work, so have a good one.

Wait, you're seriously going to sleep right now.

Yeah. I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 'Night.

You could sound a little less exhausted.

Geez, Laurie, fine. Good night, all of you, thanks for everything.

Love you, Genesis.

Love you too, Gen.

I know, I love you both.

Uh, excuse me?

You, Laurie, are an absolute pain in the neck but I don't know where any of us would be without you, and you're really not half bad. Is that good enough for now?

That's perfect. See you tomorrow.

Thank goodness. Jewel, I'm heading out. Don't stay up much longer, please.

I won't. Have a good night, love.

You too.

And suddenly the song on my wall makes so much more sense!

So is he your frenemy or what?

I don't hate people, but if you wanna joke about it that way, go right ahead, I deserve it for my comment earlier. Still, I think it's hilarious. The more things I can tease him about the better.

I still think that label fits you two better.

Eh, it used to. But I dunno, you're too cool of a guy to pick on all the time anymore.

Thanks. Same to you.

Just realized I shouldn't be labeling things though.

Haha, pretty slow on the uptake there, kid.

I said I was tired, sweetheart.

Yeah, you did.

You know, if he falls asleep, we're going to be stuck in here alone.

And?

And I don't care how well we get along now, or how ridiculously affectionate I can be, it is going to be way too awkward if that happens.

Define awkward.

Meaning I've drunk-snogged you once, we've both seen way too much of each other's personal lives, and we've been through enough emotionally charged situations together to be way too comfortable around each other.

And your point is?

My point is, if I start getting overtired, I can't guarantee what will or won't happen.

Really?

Don't look so excited, it's a legitimate concern of mine.

Man I think it's hilarious. Can't say I'd want to test the theory but the thought of it is cracking me up.

Glad you find me so amusing.

All the time, bud.

Can we close this up now?

I think that's a perfect spot to call it quits, yeah.

Pretty much.

Glad we agree.

You two are adorable.

Well that was a completely unexpected turn of events.

Today has just been awesome.

Stuff's going to keep getting awesome, so get used to it.

I personally can't wait to see what the heck we have to talk about after Christmas. Chaos, I fully expect you to break last year's record, just so you know.

Hey, I plan on it, don't worry.

On that note, I love you both.

Love you too, kid.

Mm-hm.

Chaos, don't look at me like that if you don't plan on starting something.

If either of you start something at this hour I will kill you.

It doesn't have to be a big something, Laurie. I'm happier with little things.

Heh. Well then, start as many little things as you want.

I love you, Jewel.

There we go. Thank you.

No, thank you, because when you're like this I can't not say it.

Yeah, you've got a really interesting look on your face right now.

Galaxies.

What?

Jewel gave you stars. Just a few, though. Once you have enough to make a galaxy, you'll understand exactly why I'm looking at him like this right now.

...

Hey, Chaos?

Yeah?

Je t'aimerai toujours.

Heh. All right, that's it, I'm gone.

Gone where?

To heaven. Don't expect to get a postcard this time, though.

Why the heck not?

Because Jewel finally gave you a map.

...

Have a good night, Laur.

Yeah, you too. Thanks.

Good night, Laurie.

Actually, wait a second.

Hm?

Just... I may not understand the galaxy thing yet, but I think I understand enough.

You probably do.

I love you too, kid.

Mm. I know.

And somehow that's the perfect response.

Genesis really needs to see you like this.

Maybe. It'll happen when it needs to.

Let's not rush anything, love. Life's too beautiful to rush through.

Can I say one last thing?

Sure.

If, by some off chance, the world did end tomorrow, I actually wouldn't mind. Do you know why?

Why?

Because you've made every single second of my life worth living. And because of you, I'm not afraid to die anymore.

...Are you tearing up?

Yep. Not gonna hide it.

Thank you.

Anytime, kid.

And I love you too.

...

Can I end this session right here? Because I think that smile on your face is worth immortalizing.

Please do. 

All right.

This is all worth immortalizing though. I never thought I'd have a life as unusual and beautiful as this, but, now that I do...

Now that we all do...

It's perfect.

And even when it ends, these moments will shine on, like stars.

And with enough of 'em, we can make a galaxy, am I right?

You got it, love.

I think I get it, Chaos.

I knew you would.

Today was pretty bright.

Tomorrow will be brighter.

It always is.

All you've gotta do is look up at all those stars, right?

Exactly.

Then both of you promise me you won't forget to do that whenever it gets dark.

Cross my heart.

I promise, too.

Good. Then let's all keep shining on.

Straight on through the night...

Until we're bright as the sun itself.

I think we're close.

I don't doubt it.

Neither do I.

One last thing.

Hm?

You can't have a new beginning if you're holding on to the old.

I think that's relevant too, in more ways than one.

Time to take a step forward into the night, then?

Are you kidding? Look at all these stars.

With that much light, it's impossible to get lost in the dark.

Exactly. So let's take that next step, shall we?

All together?

Always.

Ready when you are, love.

Then let's go.

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE



I think I'll ask what we're all wondering right now. WHAT the HELL just happened.

...I can't talk about this.

Kid you are going to talk about this if I have to tear the words out of you. TALK.

Laurie, dad's not doing okay, please don't yell at him anymore.

Xenophon, listen, I know he's not doing okay, but look at your other dad. Look. No one in this bloody room is doing okay right now and that's why we're here. This needs to be settled, somehow, I don't know. Jewel, what the hell happened.

I was hacked. Badly. First time in a long time. A very long time.

Last I remember a breakdown like this happening was October of 2010.

...

And that wasn't the bloody question. I mean what happened afterwards. This is an actual genuine relapse and you are scaring me to death, Jewel.

I know.

He's scaring me.

...No kidding, Xennie. Question.

What?

What just happened with you two?

Laurie I am in such pain and I am too tired and empty to cry anymore.

At least not physically, obviously.

Laurie.

...What?

Can we please just get to the point.

And what is the point, pray tell? Your soulmate won't talk.

It hurts, Laurie.

Damn it I know it hurts, did you forget I feel this pain too?!

...

Laurie, what do you mean?

...I mean wherever your dad is bleeding right now, I've got the same scars.

!

God, Laurie, I am so sorry.

There's the tears. Told you you weren't dead yet.

Why did this happen. Why the hell did this happen.

Dad?

Xennie, please, don't freak out. We're all just hurting a lot. This doesn't feel real.

It is real. That's your mind freaking the hell out, not her. It's already trying to shut down.

Shouldn't I just let it at this point?

Not if it takes you with it. Calm down. But we need to talk about this.

What is there to say?

Whatever you said to Xenophon. Whatever the hell caused that massive splinter catastrophe a half hour ago.

That wasn't a splinter, Laurie.

Whatever the hell it was, it scared me to death.

I've never seen him like that.

I have. Once.

When?

A long time ago. 2008. Let's just say a knife slipped. I saw that, Jewel. Don't think I didn't. You looked at that knife today and you flipped out. The hell was that?

I snapped.

No kidding you snapped.

I... it was too much. Too much, all at once, like... oh God, why in heaven is this playing now.

Sounds like the greater good is trying to remind you of itself.

Laurie, I don't think either of us can take that right now.

Fine, switch it.

...

Jewel?

You tried to stop me. You literally held my arm back. I fought you. I fought you even though I knew you were protecting me.

You told me you didn't have the heart to do it. You couldn't. Then you did it anyway.

I snapped. I... I couldn't take it. It drove me over the edge. I was screaming, sobbing...

Because you remembered this, didn't you.

I...

Daddy? What were you saying about me?

...God forgive me, Xenophon, that was the breaking point, it really was.

He was crying really hard. It scared me a lot. I've never seen him so sad before.

That's called heartbreak, kid. What'd you say about her, Jewel?

I said that I remembered the last time this happened, in the fall of 2010, with the bloody showers and the 3AM nightmares and the constant mindrape. I remembered all of that hell, throwing up in the middle of the night, not being able to see, feeling like I was going to die. I remembered the hospital and I remembered standing in the kitchen at an ungodly hour sawing my arms open because there was already blood on my hands so why not make it literal? I paid in blood, I paid with my sanity, I would have cut my heart open and spilled out everything I was on the filthy floor for what I did. And today I stood there with the knife in my hand and I wasn't me and no one was in the mirror but some nameless horror and I was bleeding and then I looked at the graves, and I realized that they could've been my baby girl, God, that could've been my daughter, she could have been dead , I could have killed her. I just... I lost it. I lost it, everything, right then. And I would have cried until the end of the world if I didn't die from the pain first. My heart shattered, completely. Then I remembered when you were the one with the knife to your throat, Laurie, and I remembered seeing your scars only two weeks ago, only two freaking weeks ago and you have so many scars, and I loved you and I loved Chaos more than I've ever loved anything in my life , I love you, and I... God, I feel like I've committed adultery against the entire universe, and maybe I have, dear God I don't even know, I could have died right then, how could I have been so blind? How could I have been so stupid? How could I have forgotten who I am, even for a moment, when a moment is enough to sink a knife deep enough into a vein to bleed to death? That was all it would take. And even now, even today, when I stood there with my heartbeat under cold steel I remembered it was also yours and I am so sorry, I am so damn sorry, I never meant to hurt any of you, but I wanted to tear myself to pieces and that's essentially the same thing. Xenophon, I love you, my beautiful baby girl, I am so sorry that you had to see me like this, I never wanted to hurt you, and yet here I am...

Dad...

...

Chaos, please, stop crying already, I cannot take this.

You want me to stop?! Tell him to stop doing this to himself, then I'll stop!! We're all bleeding here, Laurie, every single one of us, that's why this hurts so much!!

...And you're still an empath, aren't you. You're feeling all of this.

Every aching second I'm being reminded of that, thank you.

...I'm sorry.

You're sorry??

I tried to stop him. I guess I couldn't.

Laurie, don't, please, my heart can't take this.

And it could take all that other torture?! Jewel, get your bloody priorities in order! Do I have to take the knife and put it against my throat again for you to finally stop this?!

No, no please, don't do that.

If it's the only thing that'll stop this, I'll do it a thousand times over. You know I would.

...

Laurie I don't want you bleeding too!

Kid, did he show you what he did to himself?

...Yes.

Then you understand why I'm so ticked off.

That's not what I'm getting, Laurie.

Shut up. Sorry. Just... you know what I mean.

Of all days for me to relapse. Of all the bloody days.

Well it is almost a year after the 'titanic' entry, after all.

That doesn't mean anything. Time doesn't justify this. Time doesn't freaking justify any of this. I hereby renounce my old title. Fuck time. What horrific irony. I was doing this to myself. I could have died, countless times, I was always just letting this happen. Deep down inside I hated myself. Somewhere deep down I still do.

Jewel, calm the heck down. You want to renounce old titles? Go right ahead. But don't forget what your real title is.

That's why this hurts, Laurie. This is self-sabotage at the deepest level. This is me walking right up to the tar and saying "well hell, I've screwed up big time anyway, do whatever the hell you want to me!" And then wondering why the hell I have PTSD for the rest of my life and can't leave the house without panicking that it'll happen again, it'll happen again and that night I'll be standing in front of a mirror with red on my hands and screaming with a voice I don't recognize.

You're not in your eyes.

...

What, he isn't?

No. I don't even have to look to know that.

...Damn.

Daddy?

...

Xenophon, get the heck over there. Help him out.

How? I can't make him stop bleeding!

I'm not asking you to. But at least you can take away the pain a little, or something . I don't know, just help him out, please.

Can't you?

...Something tells me I can't.

Laurie...

Aaand that is why.

Do you... do you think this is a block? Something? I don't know.

Were you desperate?

When?

When the hack happened. Were you so bloody desperate you didn't realize what was happening to you?

I wasn't even there. I quite literally was not even there. I recognize what that feels like when I come back.

You're still not all the way back.

...I... I need closure. Something. I need to talk about... what just happened.

That's what I've been telling you to do. Spit it out.

Do you mind?

Heck no, just talk.

I didn't think my dysphoria could get this bad. But I forgot what the nightmares felt like. I forgot what it felt like, to lucidly realize I was in the wrong body, and to know that I was trapped in it so terribly. To be stuck in this form while they did what they did to me was hell. And it made me hate myself even more. I internalized all the pain and trauma. I began objectifying myself, seeing myself as nothing but a sacrificial offering, nothing but a bloody corpse to desecrate, nothing but a plaything at their hands as long as I looked like this. As long as I looked like them . And I believed it. I really did. Now, if I'm reminded of that even in the slightest, I fall. I fall into a very, very dark place, where I can't see the light because I'm not the one looking out of my eyes anymore. That happened today. My desperation turned into a maniacal destruction drive and you know what happened.

Does this tie into the 14th?

...

...Yeah. Sickly so.

You were forcing yourself into the wrong role, weren't you.

Why do I do that?

You still don't believe you have the right to be who you are, Eros. You still feel you have this bloody obligation to fit every misconception and label they throw at you. You don't. None of it is true. You're love, not lust. Ever. You know that without a shadow of a doubt. But you still throw yourself to the dogs because hell, you still aren't sure if you love yourself, are you?

No.

There you go.

Why is the 14th being misrouted?

You tell me. That was the worst dysphoria I've seen in you prior to this. I mean come on, kid, you were ready to tear yourself open from sheer agony that night. You said you felt caged.

I was! I am! My soul works one way and this body works another way. I can't do what I need to. I can't . Not in this shell, not even in this world. And that is terrifying, Laurie, it's terrifying to realize that I am literally being held back from... from everything, somehow. Just because I'm stuck in blood and bones. It hurts, it's the scariest thing I've ever known. And then I get desperate and jump at every tiny flicker of possibility I can find because I cannot take this anymore! What's that, this works for you? Hell, I don't care if my biology or psychology isn't even compatible! Let's do this thing! I'm so damn scared and broken that even the most horrific lie still looks like hope to me, because that's all that's keeping me alive when I fall that far, and I see it everywhere, just because I want it to be everywhere. And then I realize it's not, and this happens, and I...

And you lose it.

Completely.

Dad, what are you being blocked from doing?

...I'm still trying to figure that out.

Your father is trying to merge with life itself and that's not physically possible.

It's the thanatos drive flipped into blinding light. Too much of a good thing. It's a death wish that's only there because the other side is so beautiful, and I'm tired of feeling separate. I'm tired.

So you try to give everything you are to everything there is.

...

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Maybe for him. You know what, yeah, sure. After the 14th it absolutely is. I heard about that directly, remember.

Laurie it was terrifying! I was... I don't know why this is so strong. I am literally trying to give my life , my heart and soul and body and mind and everything I've ever been or ever will be to him, everything , just for the sake of giving it. Just because I love him so much, so completely. I just want to give him everything. And I am going too far with that need. It's... it's scary. It's insatiable. I need to give myself away, totally and honestly, because there's so much love in me I cannot keep it to myself because that's too much separation for my heart to take anymore.

Love and Chaos, kid. You know the old myths. That's you, both of you.

I know, but...

But love keeps everything from falling back into nothingness, into divine oblivion.

I want to go back, somewhere deep inside. I want to just be light again.

But there's a reason you're here, with a form, cupid boy. You have so much love in you for this world, too, and you know that you're alive because your responsibility is to share that, to give that, in a way that doesn't involve freakin' killing yourself.

It's the wrong form.

Maybe it is. But then ask yourself why you have it regardless. You already know that answer, we've discussed this.

I can't deal with it anymore.

Then start making changes. But it did play a purpose.

I know.

So accept that, and that alone. Don't identify with that other stuff because that is the ONLY reason today happened and you know it.

I was standing above the sink, trying to wash the blood off, sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. And Xenophon, you were right there. You kept asking me if I was okay. I said no.

And I kept asking you because I want you to be okay, dad!

There's that indomitable hope again. Man. How much did she inherit from you?

I hope to God she didn't inherit this.

I didn't, dad. I promise.

Please, beautiful, promise me you'll never be as much of a mess as your dad is.

You're not a mess, dad. You're just in a bad place right now.

The kid speaks the truth.

She does.

...I need to believe this myself, though. I believe you, all of you, with my entire heart, but I won't even say that to myself so I can't accept it completely.

And why the hell are we still battling self-love problems? Is that just because of this damned dysphoria?

Ironically. It's a catch-22. The gender issues keep me from accepting myself, and I would accept myself if I didn't have these problems. I do love myself, when I'm up here. When I'm with all of you.

Because you can be who you are. No limits. No cages.

No energy rerouting. No trying to give and only getting.

...

Can we talk about that, actually? The heck is that with you two?

Jewel just wants to give me everything. He won't let me give him anything unless I practically force it.

You're not the one forcing. I did, on the 14th. I am so sorry.

Jewel, I felt how frantic you were, I knew why you were doing that, it's okay.

Are you sure?

Jewel, I'm positive . You were just... going about it the wrong way.

That's why I'm sorry.

I know.

So he'll give you all he has but won't take the same from you?

Not on that level. It's the wrong sort of energy flow.

I can't take things in. It feels wrong . It feels catastrophically wrong. I can give energy, I can radiate and flow outwards all I want, it's perfect, but as soon as someone tries to make me hold energy? As soon as I have to stop giving and start getting? No. It's traumatic. I can do energy out but not energy in, ever. Connections are a different story.

That's a circular flow though.

It is, there is no direction, it just is . I love that so much, it's perfect. But... everything else just feels so wrong, but that's the level I'm so desperate to get right, even if that's impossible, I don't know...

What the hell are you trying to get right?

The way it works. The fact that I'm being literally blocked from functioning how I need to, which ironically is in a way that doesn't even involve this level. But there's too much hope, and I'm in too much pain, and this all-consuming merge drive is making me willing to do anything just to accomplish that. That's scary. The ends don't justify the means, and the ends keep falling far short anyway. They don't measure up at all but I keep thinking "there has to be a way to change this, there has to be..." I've been saying that for years, Laurie, despite the nightmares, despite the hacks, despite the nights I've gone to sleep crying my eyes out and begging to either wake up differently or die. Despite all that I can't seem to let go of this impossible, impossible hope that one day reality will change to reflect what I feel inside. It won't happen. It can't. But my heart can't accept that either.

I figured as much. So now what do we do?

I don't know.

Days like today need to stop happening.

I thought they did! Damn it, we haven't had anything like this in almost a year! Then wham, one tiny little trigger and we're back where we started. What the hell. Jewel, how the hell did this even happen?

I... don't know. I never do. It's all unconscious, it's all a result of the pain I suppress and deny because "you don't have any right to complain."

Kid, you can at least accept that you're suffering, that's just as important.

We've been over that.

We have been. But apparently, you aren't over that hurdle yet.

I keep trying to walk around it.

And that doesn't count. So what the hell happened today, unconsciously or not, that made you start doing this to yourself?

I... maybe it was simply being forced to socially 'identify' with form again. I walked into art class this morning, doing everything I could to pass, and then the teacher flat-out called me a girl and I think something inside me snapped. It was an art class and they called me a fcking girl. That was a 2009 trigger, I just know it, something in the back of my mind remembered the mornings spent seething behind a clipboard and trying not to gut myself with sculpture blades. You remember that, Laurie. I was at the edge of killing myself or killing someone else, the whole damn semester, and it was horrifying that I felt that, but it was all the self-hatred and dysphoria and ignored trauma being yanked to the surface because hey look, there's a naked woman in front of the class, do you remember what happened to you the last time you were in this situation? Of course I did, it was why I would spend the evenings screaming in my car, hiding knives in my shirt pockets, sleeping my life away and bleeding in front of mirrors that lied, they lied to my face .

Jewel, something is telling me you have a lot more pain you need to deal with than I thought.

Maybe. Not really. This is the pain body thing. This is all my past trauma being dug up thanks to today. I guess I never really accepted it, or dealt with it, or even faced it honestly. I haven't even told my therapists about this, you're the only people who know. Just you, and the other people up here.

Not even all of them. Chaos, Genesis and I are the only ones who know the bloody details.

Should I know, Laurie?

Heck no. Your dad has suffered through hell. I think you've seen enough of that today.

...I don't want him to bleed anymore Laurie. I'm so scared.

We all are, kid. We all are.

We're going in circles.

No kidding? Apparently there's a reason we're wearing a hole into the metaphysical floor here. We need to figure out where the damned exit is before we fall through this thing into something worse.

How?

You tell me. Let's go back to the beginning. What started this conversation?

A hack. Fallout. Abuse. You said we needed to talk so here we are.

Sure, but what have we solved?

We found out there's a lot more that needs to be solved. We discussed the 14th, and the fact that my problems there kind of caused today to happen, indirectly, painfully.

Hm. I can't help but feel we're missing something.

Daddy, did you tell her about the scars?

Which... which ones?

When you were washing them off. You told me Laurie had them. And then you said your heart broke in half and you couldn't cry anymore.

...I think I said that already.

But then you mentioned Chaos too and you wouldn't talk about that?

I mentioned you more than anything, love.

I know dad, but I know you love him too, a lot, and you haven't talked to him yet tonight.

...

Yep, that's what we're missing. Thanks kid.

Mm-hm. I just thought it was important because usually dad talks about Chaos a lot.

Well duh, they're in love, and Chaos is your dad too.

And that's what hurts the most right now.

Obviously. Just, uh... Xennie, how does this tie into the scars?

Because when he realized that he just kept crying about you and Chaos and me. So they were important for all of that.

Hm. I get it. You two need to talk.

How?

Open your mouth and say something, it's not that hard.

It kind of is when you're in this much pain, Laurie.

Yeah, dad couldn't talk either. He was crying too hard.

Xennie, did you see your other dad when that was happening? You want to talk about tears, well, Chaos was just as bad as Jewel was on that note.

Was he?

Yeah, I was.

He... usually is. That hurts. Laurie, I don't want to start crying again, but this really hurts.

Then talk about it. Both of you. You've barely said five words to each other and Chaos is actually across the room from you for once, I think that's a tragic first.

...

Closeness would... ironically end all this.

That why you're avoiding it then? The negativity hope problem of yours? "Oh, I'm suffering through hell here, that automatically means the situation has to change for the better because damn I've been through enough of it already!" It's not going to do a bloody thing unless you change it, Jewel. You too Chaos. You were just talking about that this afternoon. Getting stuck in the pain won't solve anything.

I know. And I'm well aware of that. But... the same part of me that is still sobbing over what I've allowed to happen here is telling me that, because of such a wrongdoing on my part, I don't deserve him.

You said you didn't deserve me either, dad. But I'm still here.

I know.

And so is my other dad. We're all here, Jewel, and we all love you even if you don't deserve us! That's okay!

The whole 'deserving' thing is pure nonsense anyway. I don't give a damn what the criteria are. We all have each other and that's all that matters, that's it, bottom line. So stop judging each other based on your own self-worth problems and fix this mess already.

Is that what we're doing?

Obviously. You hate yourself right now and you think he's this epoch of righteousness and going near him will damage him irreparably, somehow. That's old news, and you know it.

...

You two can't hurt each other, even if you tried. That's what love's about, isn't it?

...It is.

And you, why the heck won't you talk to him?

...I know he's feeling like this.

And you don't want to pick up on any more of his pain because then you'll blame yourself for that and things will just get worse for both of you. Listen, I don't give a damn what the problem is. You're both making this a problem. You love each other and that is all I care about right now, that is all that's ever going to solve this problem, so drop the drama and freaking fix this. There's too much pain in here for my liking.

You know what, Laurie, I was just thinking about that today.

What?

You, and pain. It's only ever been positive from you. Even when you mellowed out, so to speak, I always associated you with anger and pain. I don't know why.

It was bloody righteous anger at all the torture you were letting happen to yourself, and the pain was to wake you up. It was inevitable. You know that.

I do. But it... doesn't fit. You're not cruel or bitter, even with all those walls up. Even when you seem harsh, you're not. You have one of the brightest hearts I've ever known and I can't believe I didn't recognize that until now. So don't talk about love like you're not in it, Laurie. You are.

...Kid, then listen to me and live in that instead of this dead-end drama. Please, you two, can't we just end this? The hell else do you need for closure?

I... I think I just need to let go. That wasn't me, it's in the past, let it go...

Accept that it actually happened though. Your mind keeps taking a magnet to the tape and literally wiping things off the map. Your memory is absolutely wrecked at this point because you keep deleting huge segments of it, because of this.

I want to delete this.

...Kid, if you're going to do that then at least accept that yeah, something bad happened, and DON'T freakin' forget the aftereffects. Keep the lessons, let go of the pain. Don't identify with any of it, because that's just as bad as identifying with what caused this mess in the first place.

...

That wasn't you, you're right. But this isn't you either. It's closer, much closer, but you're still closed off and aching and I know you don't want to be.

I don't.

Then why the hell won't you let go?

It feels wrong, to just let go, when I was responsible for something so horrible.

You're also responsible for some seriously beautiful things, you know. Just look at this kid over here.

Hi dad.

The... yeah, that is... but the fact that she's even here is... painfully beautiful. I told you, these scars--

You couldn't lose her. You couldn't lose me. It doesn't work that way.

How do we know? I could have-- I bled, Chaos, I bled and died and other people paid for it and these horrible graves, one of them could have been hers , and I never would have known it, that is the most painful thing in the world...

But they aren't hers. And she'll never have one. Not there, not ever.

...

I won't dad, I promise.

God, it just hurts. I love you both, heck I love all three of you, more than I can take, and that's why this hurts so much.

Because you don't feel you have the right to love us like you do.

I don't.

Yes you do. Go look at that picture Dare drew for you. That's still there. It'll always be there. What you two have can't ever be damaged by this or any other disaster, no matter what. You're impervious and you know it.

But why?

Why? I'll tell you why. Because that's love. That's love, honest and true, and when you take that and hold it up against the tar it can't lose by virtue of it's own existence. So do that. Recognize the fact that you CANNOT lose this, ever, and you have every damned right in the universe to feel it. It's your natural state, boy, on more levels than you realize. Not this garbage. This pain, this regret, it's only blinding you. It's a distraction, it's pollution, it's a stone-cold wall. Break it down. Or, even better, walk through it. You know what I mean.

...Can I?

You walked through mine. No one else has ever been able to do that before. That's some serious business, kid.

What walls do you have up Laurie? Jewel talks about them all the time.

Emotional ones. Far too many of 'em. No one gets in, nothing gets out sometimes. I lost a couple of 'em today. Saw that knife and I freakin' lost it. See kid, sometimes I just don't give a damn about being tough. Sometimes I care too damn much. Sometimes the love I've got for this kid trumps everything else, and that's the lesson he should be taking home today, there you go, that's your assignment for the rest of your life. Forget about the catastrophe from class today, you know what counts when that's all said and done.

I do.

And there's some more irony. I'd say you're feeling a little blue right now.

...

I think we need some keys.

He's got a couple. Go over there and ask him for a few.

...I don't know why I keep holding back on this.

It's fear, kid. Part of it is fear that you'll hurt him from the self-hate you're still feeling, and yes I know that's lingering because today was seriously rough. But the other part of it is fear that you'll feel what you do for him and realize that your self-hate is baseless, that you have no bloody reason to feel so negative about yourself, and that scares you because you're not all the way here yet, are you.

No he's not.

Damn, how can you tell from all the way over there?

In here. Our heartlights changed, remember.

What, do they work like a transmitter or what?

Empathy link. We've always had one, just of an entirely different kind. Now, well...

Now we feel everything, I guess.

See, this is progress. Keep talking.

I don't think talking will help. I'm still holding back. I've got too many walls up myself. I need to just... get up, walk over there, and leave the walls behind. It won't happen unless I do something about it.

Good, you're learning. Then do it.

Wait, wait. I want to close up and then do that. First, I want to talk to you.

Me?

Yes, you. I don't know why. I think maybe it ties into the 1st. I can't stop thinking about it.

Why?

You felt like a black hole. Like... I got near you and space itself just compressed. It was just me and you, that was it. The universe shrunk until it was just us. It felt so strange, kind of scary, but overwhelming. You were a magnet and I couldn't keep away from you and I didn't even think I could feel something like that.

Yeah, I didn't either, that's why I kept pushing you away.

But why?

Lighten the heck up before I tell you that. You're still too stoic for your own good. Xennie, get over there.

Why?

Because he loves you a hell of a lot and he can't stay closed up around you, ever.

I can't.

Why only her?

Because... she's my daughter. Our daughter. She's so innocent, so amazing. I know why she's here, what brought her here... she reminds me of everything I won't dare accept about myself, at least not now. She is the hope in my life, and I don't ever want to hurt her, and I can't even consider being false to her. So...

Why the hell can't you feel like that for the rest of us?

...I do. I just... stay away, like this, when I'm this low.

Xennie, get over there.

'Kay Laurie.

...

Dad, Laurie says you need to open up and stop being sad.

I know.

Then why aren't you doing it? Smile like you did before! Please?

Heh, fine. I just... I still hurt, love.

I know dad. But it won't hurt forever, okay?

...

The kid's right as usual.

I know. So dad, please, don't be so hurt. You're going to be okay, even you said so.

I know...

So open up please? Talk to dad and Laurie and me.

Tomorrow's a new day and all that jazz.

Yeah!! Tomorrow's different! You don't have to be sad. Tomorrow you'll wake up, and, and you'll be different. You'll remember things you're forgetting right now. Maybe.

We've gotta do this work-through tonight, though.

I know, I'm just reminding him that things change!

Death and rebirth.

Huh?

Maybe that's what I should get out of this, somehow. Maybe.

What, that you had to die again to start this thing over?

Well hey, you know what yesterday was, and what happened almost a year ago next Friday.

True.

In any case you're both right.

See kid, I told you this would work.

Hee! I'm glad it did. I love you dad.

I love you too, Xenophon. And honestly, I feel kind of... ridiculous right now, to say the least.

Why?

I keep blinding myself to that. Almost on purpose. Why?

Because when you're blind, how the hell are you supposed to see anything?

I'm just keeping my eyes shut, though. I'm not really blind.

So you need someone else to open them for you.

That, or I just need to remember, deep inside somewhere, who will always be there waiting for me when I finally open them.

Exactly.

That's you guys. And Genesis, of course.

He did want to be part of this conversation, you know. Then stuff happened.

We'll talk about the 1st some other day. Maybe Friday, maybe Thursday, who knows. But that needs its own discussion date.

Yeah, this one was kind of an emergency.

It was. Chaos?

Yeah?

Sorry for being an idiot. And sorry for recovering so fast because I was too blinded to stop listening to my ego earlier. What a mixup that was.

Heh, it's okay. As long as you come back and stay back.

Is he back yet dad?

Not quite.

...

Well I daresay I know what will fix that. Unavoidable honesty.

...

Dad?

She's right. I just... I might lie to myself, but I can't lie to other people, not when they're who I'm focusing on.

This year is about you, though. You need to fix your own damage. You're still a bit of a mess, despite what we said earlier.

I know what you mean, yeah. I will work on it.

Present tense.

I am working on it... good point.


So? We going to close this up?

Just about. I... it would feel kind of wrong to close up without at least talking to Chaos in here.

Stop with the 'feeling wrong' label, please. At least not in such a general sense.

What do you mean?

I know some things are supposed to feel wrong, so to speak. Some things are just not right for you. But you are judging almost everything you do as 'wrong' according to some seriously motley criteria most days. That's what needs to stop.

Oh. Yeah, it does. But I meant it would... feel dishonest.

Better. Then do something about it.

Um...

Jewel?

...Yeah?

Sorry.

For what?

For... well, for being as closed off as you were, ironically. I could have helped move this conversation along but I was kind of blinded by my own pain, too.

I... it's okay.

You were saying?

...I contributed to that, though. Probably more than anything.

No, not in the way you think. Yeah I pick up emotions regardless. But we have a bit of a stronger link here, to say the least. That's no ordinary link. That's a connection.

Nice one.

Well excuse me, it's the truth!

Haha.

At least we're laughing now!

Sure are. Man these conversations are such roller coasters.

What's that?

It's... geez, Jewel, you need to teach your kid this stuff.

I will!

No hurry dad, we've gotta do other things tonight, okay?

Like what?

Like you and dad fixing things or whatever you have to do.

She has a point.

I do!

Excuse me.

What?

Back to those words again. Go re-read that poem Mel wrote about the two of you, right now.

...Why?

It'll remind you of exactly what can't be damaged by today. It'll remind you that you're above that distortion, in a transcendental way, not a selfish way. All right?

...

You stand not in need of fulfillment nor explanation.

She mentioned dangerous desire, is that...?

No, that's not your merge drive at all. Not at its heart. You're letting it get out of hand, though. Be careful.

Jewel, I told you, I understand that.

I keep slipping though. That can't be happening. I'm getting too desperate.

Stay in the moment kid, watch all those problems just fade away.

And all things were yours, forever.

...

Was that a pun, Chaos?

You know what? In light of the 4th, it definitely is.

Heh.

...I really just need to stop holding myself back.

Don't jump in blindly though, for the sake of jumping in. Remember what I said, what Mel said. You don't have to prove anything. This is for its own sake.

It really is.

Yeah, no kidding, so stop worrying about it. You can't get it wrong, that's impossible.

...Laurie?

'Sup?

...Can you give me another chance? One day, when I fix all this about myself? When I stop being so obtrusive and... stop forgetting who I am?

...Sure, kid. I'll give it another shot.

...I just don't want my motives to be mixed up.

What do you mean?

I love you. I really do. But... on the 1st, I got so desperate, just like I was on the 14th, and... I could never forgive myself if I hurt you.

See, there's another thing we have to fix, and remember what I said about us hurting each other. It can't happen.

I still don't want to... to get close to that possibility, even. I got too close and you freaked out and--

Because there's still stuff I need to fix about myself too, all right? That was my equivalent of what you're doing today. That was me closing everything out, rejecting it, because I didn't deserve that light and I didn't feel it was mine to have, ever. Isn't that what you're going through?

...Yeah.

And yet you know it's wrong.

...

Well so do I. So we'll work on that together. Hell, who knows, maybe one day I'll catch up to you, blue guy.

No way.

Haha, who knows, with Cupid here calling the shots? I just roll with whatever he throws at me at this point.

I threw out all my lead arrows by the way.

Yeah, and now you've got a sword. Stop getting so hung up on names, boy. They're guidelines for missions. You know who you are.

...I do.

Don't forget it. That's, I think, what we've been trying to get at this whole time, in a way.

Maybe it is.

Die to this ego-turmoil and come back to life, kid. Speaking of, Xenophon, are you still awake?

Barely. I am reeeally tired. But I wanna stay up and help dad.

Believe me, kid, I think you've helped him more than you know already. Get some sleep.

Really, Xennie, you have. Thank you so much.

You're welcome dad. Chaos?

Yeah?

I love you too. Thank you for letting me be here.

...

G'night, I'm gonna get some sleep if you're all okay now.

Yeah, I think we're good now. Thanks kid.

No problem Laurie! I'll see everybody in the morning!

...

Cute kid. No surprise, considering you two.

Everyone calls me adorable.

Well you are.

I can vouch for that.

Come on, guys.

Hey, you're at least smiling! See, this is what we really need to do at this hour, not what we just finished discussing.

I honestly feel sick from that, no kidding. I am physically ill from it.

From the actual experience, all the hell you went through afterwards, or both?

Both. But the blood and tears really shook me up, I'll emphasize that.

No kidding.

...Chaos, I love you, have I told you that lately?

Not in words, no.

You told him last night, I heard you.

That's not 'lately' for him, Laurie. Lately is within the past few hours.

Ah.

Well it's true. Even in all that pain I went through, it... it was there, clear as day. I think I already mentioned that.

You did.

It tore me apart, to have that existing in spite of what I was dealing with. It hurt too much, to have all that love and all that pain blinding me to it.

No kidding, when you're caught up in that pain you unconsciously reject anything that will stop it.

That's scary, isn't it?

Damn right it is. Don't let that happen again.

I really, really will try. Today was honestly horrifying.

You know what was horrifying to me? How much you were swearing. 2008 all over again.

I know. That's what turned my reaction from scalding rage to sobbing like an idiot. I thought of you, and that just...

Too much, huh.

Far too much.

I still can't believe you get that from me.

Well I do. I can't deny that.

Hey, look over there though. That's more important than this right now.

Laurie, it's not a matter of importance.

Just like it's not a matter of deserving?

Exactly. Love is love. There are no priorities beyond that. I love you, and I love Chaos, and that's that.

...Still. You two need to be together right now.

We do. Just... remember how much you mean to me too.

Believe me, I can't forget. Just promise me one thing.

What?

Don't forget how much you mean to me either.

...I won't.

Good, you got what I meant.

Of course I did.

Chaos, is he back with us?

Just about.

Just about? The heck is holding him back?

He's got walls up.

I want them down, I really do...

Then take the damn things down, you can do that!

Can we close this up first? I can't exactly channel and type once they're down, not with you two around.

Kid's got a point!

He does.

Just... let me say one last thing.

What?

From... from Mel's poem. The last six lines. This... reminds me of that, a lot.

Does it really.

Yeah.

...

What?

Never thought I'd be included in that.

Laurie, really, you shouldn't be so surprised.

But I am. I mean, for heaven's sake, Chaos, did you feel what he had going on January 1st?

The fire?

Yeah. That.

Not as much as you did, or so I hear.

...Because that still surprises me.

Good.

Huh?

That's good. It still surprises me too.

The man's got a point...

That needs to be an injoke now, it's official.

Consider it done!

But really, he does.

I know. Innocence, huh?

I suppose. He just... never loses fascination, ever.

And that's not even the hope thing. I'm not expecting anything but love after all. And that's... kind of a given. It's there whether I expect it or not.

You just realize that every damn time, don't you.

Everything is new, every moment, I would say, my eyes shining...

Catharsis, huh?

Absolutely.

I think you need some of that right now, seriously.

I do too.

Then go get it.

Laurie?

What?

Thank you. Thank you for being there when I couldn't be, and for always caring like you do.

Come on, I couldn't not do that.

Exactly. Thank you .

Heh, sure. Same to you.

I will close this up by thanking both of you infinitely and leaving it at that.

Oh hey, about the infinity thing.

What?

Don't forget that either. It's in the song, it's in the mythology, it's in those bright-eyed moments of yours. It's everything and nothing at all, isn't that how you put it?

That is a pun, you know.

Course I do. But it's true.

It is.

Oh darling, if I'm ever blue...

How true is that, seriously.

I don't ever want that to slip my mind, ever again. I want to always remember, in every moment, that I know you. That I know both of you, really. That I know this , what this feels like.

Emphasis on this?

Hidden meaning in this.

Was that a pun too?

Enough of the puns, you two get back to business and I'm out of here.

Hey, I love you too though.

I know. Same to you. Now I'm off to make sure your kid is actually asleep and not talking to Genesis if he's still awake from this whole fiasco.

She does that?

She does a lot of things. Either way I'll check on her. See you in the morning.

Oh, wait, one last thing.

What?

I just want to thank you again for showing up in my dream when you said you would, for protecting me. I can't even begin to express how much that meant to me, and how much it means to me now.

...Heh. You're always thanking me for something.

You deserve it.

And what did we just say about that?

Laurie, come on.

Fine. But listen. Even if it's not about deserving thanks, it's the least I can do in return for having you in my life.

...

See you in the morning. Have a good night, you two.

We will.

...She gets me, bad, right here.

Does she really?

Really. You're still worse, which is even more shocking to feel now that I have that to compare it to. Not in a bad way though.

I know what you mean.

It's just... a different sort? Same level, different aspects.

I know.

You know me pretty darn well, I'd say.

I do!

On that note...

Living up to yesterday, huh?

We should. I know we tried to do something last night but... I was exhausted, albeit euphoric.

Tonight at least has the exhausted part still in it..

...Yeah. But maybe this will help me appreciate my blessings more? I don't know. I'm just trying to shine light on it.

I can think of an easy way to do that.

How, pray tell?

Get the brightest thing we know into this situation.

And that is?

Take a guess.

I know, love, I'm just messing with you.

Or are you still doubting that somehow?

...Part of me is. I'm still... laughably unsure, although I know this can't be damaged. I... I can be, though.

But can you be healed by this? Even after today?

...Probably.

I'd say it's worth a shot.

...How are you more stable than I am after what happened earlier?

I'm... used to emotional roller coasters, to say the least. But I also don't have as much self-doubt as you do in this situation.

Good. It's hellish.

Jewel, I don't want you to have it either.

Same here... I wish I could just drop it.

Can't you?

Maybe not, because I have tried. I keep dropping it too fast though, and hurting myself in the process.

We'll take it slow, then.

Yeah, I guess that's all we can do. But, uh, about that...?

What-- oh. Oh, I see the iTunes blackmail has started again.

It has. Tell me, what do I have permanently associated with this song?

January 7th.

Exactly. And the 8th, thanks to Mel and Q.

I can't believe they contributed so much to that. Really, wow .

Tell me about it. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that.

Don't. Your mind isn't ever going to understand that as well as your heart already does.

...True.

So?

So... about that?

Yeah. About that, and this song, and that picture, and everything that goes with it.

...You know, there's a quote about this. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?"

You're a searchlight, Jewel. Don't ever forget that either.

...

Remember what Laurie said about our Metainomenai?

Yeah.

Love is pretty damn powerful. You don't give yourself enough credit.

...I guess I don't.

You're not inadequate. And you're amazingly bright. That's nothing to be scared of.

...Did you know Laurie made me wear all white today?

Did she? Why?

To remind me that I'm... brighter than I realize, or remember on my own.

You are.

I hope it snows tomorrow.

I do too.

Chaos?

Hm?

I love you.

And there you are.

What, the eyes?

Yeah. No more walls, huh?

Can't. I just can't keeps walls up around you, ever.

That's what the 'inseparable' part means, love.

Haha, no kidding. But really, I do.

I know.

...

Can we close this up?

And?

Not have to worry about having two channels open while you look at me like that.

Oh. Yeah, that's a good idea.

One... one last thing though.

Hm?

Are you... really okay now? In light of what happened to you today?

For now, I am. For now that's in the past, it's over, it's dealt with. For now I want to remember that I'm in love, that we're in love, and that nothing will ever damage that, not even what I suffered today. I can deal with the lessons I learned tomorrow. For now...

For now you just need to remember what's beyond that.

Yeah. And I promise I won't get desperate.

...Do you really get that desperate?

I do. I... I really just want to give you everything . And not in a general sense. It's the... it's where I would honestly cut my heart out for your sake if that would accomplish this. It's wanting to give you everything that I am , because as far as I'm concerned, at heart I'm only love, and I just... I want to give that to you.

Maybe that's what you need to remember the most.

What?

That at heart you're only love.

Am I?

Take a guess, Eros.

Looks who's talking, Chaos.

And my name doesn't even change, awesome.

It doesn't!

So... are we closing this up?

Yeah. It's late, and I miss you, and I... actually do feel stable at the moment. Which is good.

It is.

One last thing.

Hm?

...That picture Dare drew me? It's titled, "Under the Stars."

And?

Well, besides the obvious because we're usually out under stars together, it... actually made me think of that one line from JTHM. "Over the stars." You know... I want out of this pain, I need this to end, I'm going over the stars to escape it all. There was a time in my life where I felt that was my only option. Oblivion. Kind of like October 29th.

But...

But we're under them. We're still here, alive, and that's beautiful too. And tell me, Chaos, what is it that kept me alive on the 29th? When I wanted to fly over the stars, what made me realize that I could do that and more, here below them, without ever losing hope? What helped me to hold on, let go, and open my eyes?

What saved both our lives?

Yeah. What carried us through the darkest times? What was the stars when it was pitch black all around us?

...

I love you. I always have. Even when I fall so far down that I feel I've lost every last fragment of grace left in me, I can't forget you. I can't forget this.

Don't. Don't ever forget this.

I won't. Cross my heart.

I love you too, Jewel, I really do.

You always end up assuring me...

Because that wonder of yours goes both ways. Be careful, please.

I will be. It's a losing battle, in our favor.

How so?

January 16th, July 7th, December 23rd, January 1st. There are some moments that destroy doubt and fear so completely that you're never the same afterwards. No matter what, I know what I've seen and heard and felt. I will never forget that. When I saw your eyes on the 23rd... I just...

...

Things like that make it impossible for me to forget, Chaos. No matter what my mythological role is, it wasn't until you entered my life that everything else came to be.

Chaos and Love, huh.

Absolutely. But of course, we know that those terms aren't mutually exclusive either.

And that's where the 'cosmically' comes in.

It does. Same with 'divine complement,' now that I think about it...

So that's why I liked that term so much!

Probably, love. But, uh, it really is getting late and I still miss you, so...

You miss me? How?

Um... on other levels. It's that drive of mine again.

Oh. Well, honestly, I'd like to see how that plays out.

The drive?

Yeah. In light of what we've discussed here. I say go with it.

All right, but we have to close up first...

I will never fail to be amused by how terrible we are at ending things.

It needs to end before it can begin again, geez!

Haha, exactly.

Speaking of beginnings... it is technically tomorrow.

Let's get started, then.

My sentiments exactly.

 

 

prismaticbleed: (aflame)

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS


(PART ONE)


So, Laurie.

Hm?

We are now up to the 12th, which is when I was remembering old outspacer loves and somehow survived THREE hack attempts.

Which is absolutely bloody monumental, really. You didn't think you could do either of those things anymore, and then bam, this afternoon just happens
 
It really did!

Did we discuss this in here?

Uh, I'm not sure. Let me check... vaguely?

Eh, run it by them again.

Okay. Oh hey, that's actually important. So I was doing Hokthai research at the time, and so we decided to watch Tezuka's Metropolis that evening, and Xenophon actually stuck around to watch it with us, which was amazing. But... seeing her, with her names and her other father, watching that old favorite movie of mine... it made me miss so many other people I've known from media, like Bogardus and Grievous and Davy Jones, not to mention Ryman and Markus of course.

You need to bring Davy back in here.

I think I'd die.

Haha!

Seriously! He's an awesome guy but I just visit him now. I think bringing him into headspace would be way too stressful, in several ways.

Hey, about that. Isn't all that outspacer focus what made you start freaking out about the 23rd? With energy burnout and all that?

Yeah. Having more people around is great, but it can be overwhelming. I had finals at the time too, and I was still just getting out of the major painful learning period that was November, so I was fighting off tar hacks as well. Basically it was a huge energy strain on me and it began to tire me out, severely. I started realizing that on the 14th. Well, kind of.

Kind of?

I was just starting to seriously think about it online on the 14th. That's when I started to see Chaos incredibly clearly, and I began feeling this unexplained significance concerning our anniversary. Neither of those points faded in the slightest over the next nine days so that really put stress on me too. I knew the 23rd was going to be incredibly important but I didn't know why, and I was worrying too much over it and basically started freaking out.

No kidding.

Yeah, you know all about that. So I was really in love on the 14th, which was actually the day after we finished watching Metropolis, so Xenophon was a bit of an emotional mess...

That movie was so sad at the end though, with Tima! I told you about that, dad.

You did. That's actually what the next entry was about. That one was huge.

Was this the one before you went to that concert? Because I remember how torn up you were then.

It was.

The concert was so pretty though. I loved it.

It was. I needed that just as much as you did, at the time.

Jewel, talk about this entry, that one was vital.

All right. This one was on the 16th, after finals ended, and so now my mind was free to focus on headspace matters and there was a lot to focus on. I realized a few things. One, I was still downplaying, criticizing, masking, or ignoring my emotions.

Are you still doing that?

No, but the impetus is still there. It's an old problem but I'm trying to just ignore it though, because I know for a fact that it's not something I should pay attention to.

Good! That's my job then, making sure you stay away from that stuff. Check your facts!

Exactly! So that is being worked on and it's not bothering me at the moment. That... it only hit me after that one night Chaos picked up on it, though. When I refused to express anything.

That was the night he was sobbing, wasn't it. That hurt like hell.

I couldn't help it, Laurie. I feel everything he does like that.

I didn't say you could help it. I just said I couldn't help hurting either.

...

It forced me to stop doing that too. I was deeply shaken by that so it forced me to take a stand and start being honest with myself again. The second problem was my pain addiction, which we actually solved and fixed thanks to the 23rd...

We're getting to that, what's point three?

Me liking the 'ideas' of things more than the actual things? That usually focuses around possessions, but then it's an ego thing so I can actually conquer that easily and I have been doing that lately. But it was a big problem in the past when I didn't recognize what it was and kept making bad decisions because of it.

Why'd you bring it up then?

Two very different reminders. One, I bought a fandom-based book and calendar, and immediately had to wonder if I had done so only as an act of gratitude and thanks, and if I had even wanted the things at all.

Did you?

Yeah, actually. I do need a new calendar, and I got the book because that fandom has inspired me significantly and I cannot downplay its significance with any sincerity. So that was valid, but the worry was there.

What was the other reminder?

Melody talking about relationships, actually. She kept saying I was 'too far away,' and it made me realize that I often like being far away, because with the butterfly problem I mentioned earlier, that can make me actually care for them more genuinely than when they're close?

How so?

Because then they aren't labeled. They are their own people and I am not involved when I'm far away. It's like... it's like that girl I love, Jena. I've never met her, I've spoken to her once, and she is one of my biggest inspirations. And yet I don't mind being so far away. I love the fact that she has her own life, and all I want, ever , is for her to be happy. Same with Alexandria, who I've loved since elementary school for heaven's sake. So when people want to get closer to me, I worry, because then it feels like it becomes 'possessive.' When people get close they stop being free, when they get involved with me directly. And that scares me somehow?

Well, you're doing fine with Chaos. And me. And Genesis.

I get the point, yeah. So I'm not sure what the disconnect is there? But it is a problem I'd like to solve. I do need to be more grounded there in any case. I just don't want to be treating people far too carelessly because I'm afraid of becoming attached. I'm not attached to you guys, so why am I worried about that happening in the future?

Who knows? Maybe you're just worrying too much. But we'll discuss that later too.

What else are we discussing later?

A few things. We'll review those if we have time, but really Jewel, it's getting late and I'm more concerned about wrapping up tonight. Everything else can wait, that's secondary.

All right. Where are we now?

You tell me, kid.

Oh. Sorry. We are... at point 4, from the 16th, which is simply me stating that Chaos and I hadn't connected in months, and with us having to do that on the 23rd, I realized that the lack of it was actually causing all the other problems I was dealing with at the time. That actually gave a better insight to part of point 3, Laurie.

Was that the naivete thing?

Yeah, it was!

Tell me about it.

I was looking for innocence and hope and things where they couldn't be found.

We discussed this. I know for a fact that we did.

Here?

Yeah. Go look, I swear we talked about this before. Infinite hope, remember?

Oh, hey, we did.

And the emotion masking was you feeling guilty for wanting to be with him, God knows why, and the pain addiction was you unconsciously trying to find something as overwhelming as a connection and failing.

Yeah.

There we go, those are solved. Was there a point 5? You mentioned Xenophon.

Yeah, that tied into Metropolis. She said I was doubting who I was too much.

You do do that, dad. You shouldn't.

I know.

Once again, do you believe it?

Yes, I do.

Then why do you do it?

I actually don't know.

Sounds like my job description! I'm going to help you with this, you know.

Good, I like having you around.

You do?

Yeah, I really do! Same with Leon, dude, you need to stick around, you're awesome.

T-thank you.

So yes, that was point 5, and once again that was another motivation because I didn't want to unconsciously hurt Xenophon or anyone else through doubting myself. And... ironically, there was a wildcard.

Hey Joe, what do you know.

Exactly.

I do believe we figured this topic out too.

We did. But that caused me so much pain at that time, you wouldn't believe it.

I believe it. I saw it, firsthand.

I guess you did. Sorry.

No problem. I also saw you two fix that problem, not firsthand there though, that would have been taking this 'fangirling' business a bit too far.

What?

Injoke. Don't ask.

I won't, I'm slowly learning you guys are too weird to comprehend sometimes.

Hahaha.

By the way, Laurie, I'm still listening to that Daley song.

So I heard! How many plays now?

No idea, I have the pitch lowered on Wavepad so it's not scrobbling.

Shame, that would have been funny to count.

Let's just say approximately 62 times, right?

Well of course!

Which song is this, by the way?

Spent.

I like it.

Good, I'm going to be listening to it for the rest of the night.

Speaking of nights. That "wildcard" problem, you two fixed that, right?

You do remember what I said to him last night? It's fixed.

Even after that near-hack this week?

Even after that. Totally fixed, Laurie.

All right, make sure, because that's some dangerous stuff right there.

I know.

That commission I bought from Dare is helping so much it hurts.

We're not at that topic yet, kid. What's the next entry?

The 21st.

Geez, what did you talk about then?

Basically, I was freaking out.

Yeah, no kidding.

I got really emotional. I kept remembering 2005, and 2008, and 2011 of course. And then everything I wrote in there, we all discussed in our past three entries or so.

That we did. So we're at the 23rd now?

Essentially.

Finally.

Why, is it fangirling time?

You know it, Lynne.

Laurie, come on. What do you want us to talk about?

Whatever the heck happened after you two left the room last Friday.

You heard about that, Laurie, I told you.

You told me vague details.

I told you everything I could, love. What else do you want to know?

I dunno. I'm just curious is all.

About what?

About the whole freakin' thing. If Jewel was right in saying that 21 entire years led up to two hours, I want to know what in the world they did.

You want to know what we did that made you feel what you did.

...Basically.

What's this now?

Stuff. Just stuff.

Laurie.

Jewel effervesces a lot when he's fully centered. Those two were right on the money after that. No instability whatsoever. They were broadcasting love like a satellite. I want to know what the heck drove the meter up that astronomically high.

We connected four times?

Four times?

Didn't you hear about that?

No! How did you do that?

Very carefully.

No kidding, love. That was insane.

Seriously, how the heck did you two do that?

Jewel didn't know if we could pull off two, but we figured why not, and that was so incredibly weird that we just had to keep going.

Weird?

He felt like the freaking cosmos , is what I mean by weird.

What do you think you felt like, Chaos? Seriously, I've drowned in you before but wow.

We got new soul forms, by the way.

So I heard.

Did you?

Yeah, they're amazing. I haven't hit mine in over a year, actually, so that was incredible.

I could see your eyes. That was incredible.

It was.

See them?

Yeah. Somehow, I could clearly see the color of his eyes, even across realities. It was almost incomprehensible. I saw them again last night too.

What were you two doing last night?

Heheh. Living up to commissions is what.

Dude, wait, that is seriously personal material and we're still on the 23rd.

How is that worse than the 23rd?

You'd be surprised. Spine, you're not talking.

That's okay, isn't it?

I guess. I just like hearing you talk too.

I have nothing to say though. I am here to catch up.

See, that's the problem with waiting three bloody months before recapping. No one knows what the heck is going on and I end up being the only one talking.

I'm doing a lot of talking, Laurie.

I mean besides you.

Well you are the closest person to him besides me.

That used to be me, you know.

Used to be Ryman before I got this far. You're still right up here on our level, Genesis, don't worry.

Speaking of, the 24th still hasn't happened!

What do you mean it hasn't happened?

Nope, sorry Gen, we're not there yet either.

Oh come on!

Hey, other stuff happened on the 23rd, remember? And Chaos, you shut your mouth, that is confidential.

Yeah, that would ruin your reputation, haha.

Shut the front door, seriously.

Laurie, you keep way too many secrets.

So I do. Jewel.

What?

Explain to me how in heaven you got so high up there.

Besides connecting four times within two hours?

Kid, you were walking through walls and you know what I mean. How the heck were you doing that? What in heaven happened exactly, that got you to that point?

I just... felt absolutely right , I guess. Remember how we said we thought the 23rd was going to 'set everything right' for the new year? Well, I think it did. Even if I'm having a tough time today. That set the stage, perfectly.

Did it really fix the past, do you think?

Definitely. The shadows we're fighting got a lot darker, but actually that's a good sign that we're on the right track, seeing how that's happened before in similar situations.

I'm so bloody sick of these shadows though.

So am I, but they're there for me to fight. I know, without a doubt, that this is testing my strength to make sure I can hold on to all that I've learned under dark situations. I haven't passed that test yet. I need to. This new year... it's going to be one heck of an adventure, I'll tell you that right now.

Obviously.

So about the 24th?

What about it?

What if that was the second half of it? Maybe we were supposed to do that and didn't. Maybe that would have helped you today.

Dude, you just want that to happen.

Well of course I do. Do you?

...

What was supposed to happen on the 24th?

Honesty is what. Total bleeding honesty.

Maybe we'll do that tomorrow. I'll do everything I can.

You'd better, after last night.

Can we get to that already? You're making me impatient.

Why, what the heck do you want to know?

I'm just curious about all this! You keep talking around it and it's getting me curious. It's all kind of enthralling.

Enthralling.

Yeah. You guys have so much going on and I can kinda see why you're obsessed with those two, Laurie. They're an interesting couple. 

You're preaching to the choir, Jo.

But the 23rd was awesome. Awesome beyond words, that is.

Fantastic Plastic Machine!

Ironically, didn't we talk quite a bit during that?

Not much, compared to how much we didn't. I think you're confusing feelings with words.

Maybe. And when we talked it was mostly about what we were feeling, too.

Exactly.

Is that what you were broadcasting?

What do you mean, 'broadcasting?'

Dude, you two were legit high on love for like two days after that. The two hours immediately afterwards were absolutely insane in that respect. I just want to know what you did to get that high up there, like I said.

Why?

I just want to know. It's seriously mind-boggling how you people do that.

Well, we fell in love eight years ago, and on the 23rd we fell into that entirely.

That's a wonderfully simple way of putting it.

It's true though.

So yes, that was the 23rd. That enough info for everyone, or can we move on?

I got wings, dad, remember?

Oh yeah, you did!

She got wings? Where?

On my back, look!

Whoa.

See? My dads gave them to me after that thing they did together. What's it called?

A connection.

Connecting, yeah. Then they came over to me and I got wings from it! They're still really small and fadey but they'll get cooler in time. Just like my arms and legs! I didn't have those at all for a while. Or wings.

How in the world did you give her wings?

Our energy just resonated with hers, I guess. I mean we are her ectobiological parents.

Plus, like I said, you two were absolutely connection-high.

You're jealous.

I'm just pointing out the obvious!

Chill out, Laurie, he's just teasing you.

Geez.

But yeah, Lynne, I think that's all it was. I was wondering if she was going to get anything from our connection, because she is linked to us both, and then I remembered how she still has that fluffy sort of light ball on her back. So I just touched it, and it kind of bloomed into wings right there.

Wow.

Lynne, you seem surprised!

I am! That is really cool. Congratulations, you three.

Three?

Well yeah. Jewel, Chaos, and Xenophon.

They weren't the only people involved in that event, you do know that.

I was too!

Then why haven't you said anything?

I have, I've been asking about the 24th not happening this whole time.

But you were involved on the 23rd?

Well not that way, but I did kiss both of them afterwards, which was awesome.

Both of them?

Yeah, both of them, why not?

We're basically "friendmates" by now, you know. That's red enough.

Oh come on, Chaos.

It's true!

Yeah, you two have this amazing bromance going on no matter how you look at it.

I won't argue with that.

Hey, what about...?

Confidential, you heard the lady.

Did you just call me a lady?

Why, is that a problem?

It's weird is what it is.

Fine, Genesis, you heard the gender-neutral psycho over there.

Superego.

Correction, superego.

I keep Jewel from going psycho.

Well, we are "friendmates".....

Don't even go there, kiddo.

But it's true!

I told you these guys are enthralling.

Haha!

All right, seriously, can we move on? Genesis, hold on about the 24th, we'll discuss all of that after this. Jewel, did you have anything written for Christmas or what?

Yeah, Christmas was awesome. By the way the 23rd was also when I commissioned Dare to draw that picture of us, CZ.

Seriously? That night?

Yeah, that night. I couldn't not do that.

You're awesome. I love you.

I love you too, seriously!

So. Christmas.

Sure, go on and interrupt us, Laur.

Hey, you remember what happened last time, when I let you two just keep talking.

She has a point!

She does.

Jewel?

Right, the 25th. Wait, did I mention the key?

The key?

Oh! Was that the Razia's Shadow thing?

Yeah! That was our fourth connection, which was insane.

Wait, what's this now?

My fourth connection with Chaos, which was the last one we could really handle, felt like a key? It was weird.

Explain this please.

It felt like it unlocked something in us both, that had never been opened before. But it was so odd because I physically felt it, in this reality, like my heart clicked into place or something. It was... it was just incredible, at the expense of reusing that word.

Hey, whatever works. But how does this tie into Razia's Shadow again?

"Their true love will be strong enough, to erase the wrong we've done. The dark and light will become one."

If you switch the punctuation it works the same way, actually.

...Yeah, that does make a lot of sense. But how does that involve keys?

Oh yeah. The verse before that said "So take heed of this prophecy. Lifetimes from now there will be two chosen, bound to meet. In her lock he'll turn the key," and of course you have to change the pronouns there but honestly the point still stands.

Go figure. That is some awesome relevance right there.

Dad I still haven't heard this musical and I need to!

She hasn't heard Razia's Shadow yet? Blasphemy!

We're working on it, man! The only reason we all heard it all the way through was because I first listened to it when I thought I was dying, remember.

That was the meds fallout of 2010, wasn't it?

Yeah, that was hell.

I remember that way too bloody clearly. But yeah, that musical carried you through surprisingly well.

We all had parts in it, it was great. Spine, you even got to be Dumaya!

I was Dumaya. It was fun.

Strangely, she has kept that voice.

Dude, yeah, even in Soul Calibur! Spine you need to talk like that more often, you do know that?

I would but it is difficult.

Well work on it, it's honestly hilarious.

Ryman and Markus had awesome roles too. Toba and Barayas.

I got to be Ahrima!

And Adakias, bro.

Haha, yeah.

We are slowly drifting off topic, guys.

That we are. Thanks for pointing that out.

No problem. We're still at the 25th, right?

Didn't even start it yet.

Right. Well, unfortunately, that morning I had a dream hack.

On Christmas? Geez.

Yeah, but I refused to let it get to me. It upset me a little that morning, but I did learn a good lesson from it, symbolically, and the rest of the day was absolutely phenomenal.

Symbolically?

It was a very indirect hack. I did some dream symbol research and it actually had some good advice to give. So that worked out for the best. Laurie, can I just skim over Christmas because I'm getting tired.

You serious?

A little.

Need to take a break?

I hope not. I'll let you know if it gets worse though.

Make sure. I don't want you burning out.

Neither do I.

I don't think any of us do.

Exactly. So, what, if anything, did you want to say about Christmas?

Just a few things. One, Dare drew Xennie for me as a bonus for my commission, which I promptly gave to her as a Christmas present.

Was that the picture you put on my wall dad?

It was.

I love that! Tell her thank you for me please.

Haha, I'm definitely going to have to! But yeah, Laurie was right in saying I was connection-high for a few days. I was just blissed out all day on the 25th. Oh, and my mom bought me one of those soul paintings from the expo, did you guys hear about that?

No, what was that?

Man, that's pretty convoluted, but basically there was a woman at the expo who said I had a great purpose to fulfill and she was honored to meet me? But she did these soul paintings as she had psychic abilities and was able to symbolically put what she saw in people into her work... anyway, my mother secretly bought one for me and she gave it to me for Christmas.

That's awesome.

Even more awesome is the fact that it's the same color as Chaos, am I right?

You are absolutely right.

It's blue?

It's a dark aqua-blue. It's the color of him in the "I'm Loved" picture Kiwi drew for me in 2009.

You're loved too, you know.

I'd never even question that, CZ. I know.

Maybe that's part of what she was getting at?

Maybe. I'm going to call her about it this week, so I'll find out. But that was the highlight of Christmas. Oh! And I saw my boss, but he was upset about the dream hack in light of the 23rd. Laurie, did you manage to talk him down?

Talk him down? How bad was he?

Pretty bad.

He was looking to punch things.

He was tired. I have never seen him look tired before.

He was looking for whatever the hell hurt you. He couldn't find it. I told him it was probably our resident tar demon, but that didn't calm his nerves too much. I promised him I'd keep an eye out though.

Geez. I really need to talk to him in person again soon.

You do.

But... that makes me feel really bad now. I was hacked again yesterday, I think.

That was on the 29th, kid.

Was it really?

Yeah, it was really, you had a bloody breakdown in the kitchen and actually started crying because your grandmother refused to respect your triggers again and kept setting them off. You know, that's probably why you're a total mess today. Your mother took you out for errands that afternoon and distracted you from coping, and you didn't get any psychological closure or anything. So you lapsed back immediately and now you just have to get over this turmoil and not let it rule you. Okay?

That makes sense. I think that will help me deal with this, actually. Thank you.

You're welcome. That's why I'm here.

Did I mention I got District 9 for Christmas? Finally? We need to watch that together now.

We do. Our headspace movie nights are pretty awesome, actually.

AI was so sad though.

Sad but amazing. That helped me so much with my series it was incredible. And... in a weird way it was personally inspiring for me, too.

No kidding. You started sobbing when Joe died.

It hurt too much at that point. I was an absolute mess from then right up until the credits rolled.

I'd watch it again, though. I liked it a whole lot.

We all did. Your dads keep quoting it, too.

Hey, that's my favorite injoke right now, of course I'm going to quote it.

My favorite injoke is currently the crispy snack crackers.

Hee hee!

Yeah, that one is Xenophon's. And mine is still the postcard bit. Which you still owe me.

I swear, Laurie, with my drawing class this semester? First free time I get there, I am drawing that for you.

Good. January 16th is your deadline.

Oh dude, that would be perfect. I am doing this now, for sure.

Haha!

Seriously, are we up to date now? With the recap?

Almost. There was an update on the 27th about "not taking myself seriously enough."

Explain?

That was... oh. Chaos, that was when I... when you couldn't reach me.

Oh.

I remember this now.

He couldn't reach you?

It was September all over again. I tried to talk to him, but he wasn't there. I looked in his eyes and he wasn't there. It hurt. It was terrifying.

Sounds like your fourth incident in reverse.

...

Sorry.

No, it's true, I guess.

I don't know how in the world I fell so far. It was terrifying.

I know how. You really weren't taking yourself seriously enough. You were trying to live up to someone else's life, weren't you? Someone whose life had absolutely nothing to do with yours, and who you shouldn't have been associating with at the time anyway.

...Yeah. I forgot that she was dangerous. I cared about her too much.

I know. Thank God Julie isn't dangerous anymore.

...There's someone like I used to be?

No, heck no. There's just someone who is rather similar to the old you, except not maliciously, and Jewel should not be anywhere near them right now and yet he was, because he forgot how they had hurt him in the past.

Unintentionally!

Still hurt, still wounded. You need to keep your boundaries up, kid. You need to respect yourself.

Do you think it's apathy? Or self-hatred?

What?

The reason why this keeps happening. There's something underneath the surface, besides my hope and forgiveness. There's something dark, I think.

Personally? I think it's the perfectionist problem again. Why were you trying to live up to what she was?

I just... I forgot that her life doesn't apply to me.

Why?

I don't know.

Then maybe some part of you still doesn't believe that you have your own exceptional path to follow. Be careful.

But Laurie, Chaos couldn't reach me. He was in pain and he was trying to talk to me and I couldn't hear him. I... I was there in form but not in spirit. What in the world happened?

...I don't know. The heck do you mean, he was in pain?

I was. Whatever was going on, it was going too far. I honestly think I got lucky in getting through to him.

You reminded some part of my heart of 2003.

...

What did he do?

He told me to stop, flat-out, as close as he could. An indirect "what are you doing?" And it snapped me to my senses, and I was scared out of my mind, and then you remember what a mess all of us were afterwards.

No kidding, I was furious. Chaos was freaking out just as badly.

And then we got Menchou back in here.

Is she the dog girl?

She's the dog girl. I haven't seen Veradenne but I think Menchou is just flying solo right now so as to not overload me. I'll have to ask about her.

But she is around. Menchou, I mean.

Yeah, is she becoming permanent up here or what?

That's your call, kid. Talk to her about it, not me.

All right.

Why is Menchou up here now?

She's able to ghost, very limitedly, but she can access locked-out spaces that no one else up here has been able to access, ever, thanks to traumatic hacks in my past. So if stuff gets bad and Laurie can't mentally reach me, Menchou can actually ghost in and help me out almost directly. Which has already helped me once already, at least in keeping stable. I've been meticulous with triggers lately, as my Tumblr feed got lethal again so I had to unfollow without mercy, so to speak. It helped.

That's good.

Why do you follow these people if they trigger you?

Because they didn't post triggering things when I followed them, and they don't see those things as problematic. So I just have to quietly click the 'unfollow' button and be on my way. My mental stability is more important than what's on my dashboard, in every case.

True.

So that was the 27th. I just need to be vigilant about that, I think.

You do.

And then... on the 29th there was another dream hack, and this time it threw me so far off center I immediately started writing about it. That entry is full of pain.

What was it about?

That's when I realized that I was having these dark things thrown at me to see if I could stand strong in spite of them. I had been doing spiritual research over the past few days, remember Laurie?

Yeah.

And I read an article that triggered me horrifically, unintentionally of course, and I was just so sick and tired of it by that point that I just started ranting about it. Actually, that helped a lot, because it burned away my self-doubt and made me realize that yeah, I really was on the right track, even though it was a very different track than the ones people kept trying to lead me towards, and that article actually proved it to me despite the triggering.

Did it really?

It really did. Thanks to the 23rd, again. That was just so undeniably true that I actually refused to let doubt creep at me concerning what I was being led to believe anymore. I know I'm being vague, but like I said, I'm tired of this topic.

I don't blame you.

But yeah, I was incredibly unstable on the 29th. As usual, though, it forced me to realize a deeper problem. That's when I understood that I've been 'taking shortcuts' in solving this problem in the past, because yes I'm tired of it, but it also scares me to death. So when I'm trying to fix it, I still want to get away from it as fast as possible, and I rush through the job. With the dream hacks returning, I need to review what I've done so far, and figure out what our next step is without putting myself in danger or compromising whatsoever. Even if that's just being vigilant.

That might be all you can do right now, yeah. With what you figured out about it that morning, you should have an easier time with that now. I'm just concerned about how sensitive you are to it right now. Nat was right, you've been an absolute mess today. And speaking of Natalie, you haven't said a word since I yelled at you, are you really okay?

Yeah. Just trying to center myself too.

Smart move. Jewel, you still tired?

Yeah, it's late.

Let's wrap this topic up then. What happened yesterday?

Well, my mom distracting me from my pain was good because it calmed me down enough to actually work on Dream World yesterday. I think Xenophon spent most of yesterday with me too, because she was worried about me.

I did! It was fun. And I was worried about you. I still am.

Geez, she's still up too. You okay?

Yeah, just tired! But I wanna see the new year thing. Then I'll go to bed.

Same here, love. The things we do for special occasions, seriously.

Yeah, no kidding. So, yesterday.

Yesterday was great. I finally figured out what I need to do to make my typing work easier, I spent nearly the whole day listening to new music which was lovely, and I found out that Xenophon loves clementines.

I do!! They're so good they're delicious! And you promised you were making me that kale soup, you need to do that.

I will, as soon as possible. I find it hilarious how you and Genesis are both addicted to the first food you ever ate, though.

Butterscotch ice cream over here.

What's that?

You don't know what that is ?? Jewel, this needs to be fixed!!

Haha, I'll fix it in the summertime!

Is it good?

It's good but I can't eat it. But that's okay, Genesis introduced you to eggnog the other day, and that was amazing.

Is this where the new drinking contest joke came from?

Yeah, I was helping my mum with shopping, and Genesis just grabbed a carton off the shelf and started chugging it down, it was absolutely hilarious.

It's good stuff, Jewel!

You drank a whole carton of eggnog! Right in the middle of the dairy section! And no one had a clue. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

That sounds brilliant, you're right.

And how does this tie into a drinking contest?

Because Chaos is the king of champagne, and the thought of those two getting utterly smashed is pretty hilarious.

Can you two even get legitimately drunk?

Let's find out.

Not now, dude, seriously.

I'm kidding, love.

Hey, back to last night, kid.

Yeah, you've been leading up to this the whole time, I want to hear about this.

...I... don't know if I can talk about it.

What happened?

Are you okay?

Yeah I'm okay, I'm just...

Fragile.

...Exactly. You know how I bought that one commission on the 23rd? Of Chaos and I?

Yeah.

Apparently, innocently close things can drive me off the deep end a lot faster than even a connection buildup can.

You're serious.

Totally serious, you should've seen him.

Chaos, really.

Just trying to lighten the mood is all.

Yeah, Jewel, that hit you hard .

It was close. Close things get me point blank and I can't take them sometimes.

Dad, was this after the concert too?

What?

I remember you saying, before you connected, that you thought you were going to break if you got too close? Did that happen?

Almost.

That was an 'almost?'

I don't know. Yeah, it was. A full break would have ended with me sobbing like an idiot, probably.

And this is a positive thing?

Overwhelmingly so.

What happened?

...

Jewel is apparently really sensitive at certain points.

Was that a pun, Laurie?

Very much so.

If you get me there I think I'll die. I'm serious.

Why me? Kid, Chaos has experience and better rights than I do on that level.

Yeah, but remember what we said when you found your metainomen.

...What about it?

How in the world did you get this far, this fast? And you're at a different level overall. With this sort of thing, I think that actually makes Jewel more fragile around you.

I don't know. I don't think I'd let her get so close right now. Chaos, you are emotionally killing me with that and even thinking about it is driving me to tears, I'm sorry.

...Is this something you guys can talk about?

I don't know.

I... I just break, when people get too close.

But you had a connection. A connection . And this apparently didn't happen.

This was different, ironically. I can handle powerful, total things like that better than I can handle the quiet, small things. A lot better.

You can take a brick to the face but one touch will completely unravel you.

I can take a freight train to the heart but...

Yeah.

...

What's this about?

Why're you asking? We're trying to explain.

No, I... I'm worried? He's in a lot of pain, and I just... don't understand why.

Leon, hear me out, man. It's pressure points. Weak spots. You can hit a dartboard as much as you want, completely cover it with arrows, but it doesn't really hit hard until you get a bullseye. I'm a dartboard right now, and Chaos has really freaking good aim.

What's he hitting?

My heart, really. And this is getting me bad. Am I really unraveling, Laurie?

Yep.

 I-- I need to pull myself together.

Dad?

Your dad is a bit of an emotional mess at the moment, kid. Don't worry, this isn't negative. He's just fragile.

This isn't a bad thing. Why do I fall apart so easily?

Because you're so sensitive. You don't have any walls up at all.

And that's not bad?

Not here. Here, that's amazing. You're the strongest person I know because of that.

Then why am I falling apart?

Life and death, maybe.

...

You told me you look like a taijitu inside, didn't you.

I do. We do.

Don't you love symbolism?

Yeah, but we already discussed that.

No, I mean more abstract symbolism. Broader meanings. Aren't you obsessed with the little things? Tiny little details, that you'd never notice unless everything else was quiet and you just looked, in total honesty. Blood and sunlight.

...Don't bring that up now.

I'm bringing it up now, kid. You remember what the end of January 16th was like? Just like this. You fell apart.

...

And that was not a bad thing.

I'm not saying it is. Then... why am I worried?

No walls, kid. No boundaries, no spikes at all. You're completely open here. And you're freaking out a little because even you don't realize how vulnerable you are like this. But you still let people in. And then you feel too much.

And it scares me.

Why?

I feel so much .

From Chaos?

Obviously. And that's why this simple little commission is driving him up the wall.

Why? What did she draw?

Closeness. Honest closeness is all, and Jewel almost forgot what that felt like.

The last time I felt something like that was July 7th. And maybe... maybe October 12th. With you.

...

...Laurie?

Sup?

What's going on with you two?

Stuff. Just stuff is all.

You're being infuriatingly vague, Laur.

Infuriatingly? That's a strong word.

We've all been asking you about this for months, and you refuse to open up to us. I respect the fact that you have secrets, but now you're kind of lying to our faces here.

Lying by omission doesn't count. Doc Scratch said so.

I think you're just as nervous as he is.

And what if I was?

...How involved are you in this?

In what?

With those two.

Genesis still has several steps ahead of me.

How many?

I wouldn't know, kid.

Jewel?

Yeah?

How close is Laurie to Genesis' position? Concerning you?

Like placement? In terms of what?

In terms of how close you let them get to you.

Well that's very arbitrary. Laurie is ahead of Genesis on some levels, and behind him on others.

Hm.

Lynne, why are you asking about this?

I'm just curious is all. Just curious.

Why?

You don't talk to us about this. And frankly I'd like to know about it.

Why the heck is that any of your business?

Why the heck wouldn't it be? I worry about you too. We're practically sisters, as weird as that might sound to you. And you don't say a word to me about 90 percent of your personal life. All I know of you comes from your axe-swinging days, and these conversations. You're an enigma to all of us outside of hearsay. And considering that you're one of the most important people in Jewel's life, and the absolute top-ranking guardian up here, that's a little disconcerting.

Because I'm secretive? Geez, don't ever get involved in politics, then.

I'm serious, Laurie. You yell at everyone else to open up, to 'chill out,' to stop fighting and causing trouble. But you don't say a word when we ask you about things like this.

Totally different context, Lynne.

Not really. We're open with you. If we're upset, or concerned, we tell you. We express that. You lock everything up, and no one knows how to deal with you, or even approach you sometimes. No one except Jewel. And that's why I'm asking.

Lynne, I've been protecting the guy for years. Since he was sixteen. That's my life.

Is he your life?

Basically. If you want to put it that way.

Was that a pun?

Take a guess.

...

Laurie, really.

The heck do you want now, Jo.

I've seen more of you personality-wise than Lynne has. You remember last year.

Yeah, and what about it?

You are secretive.

So what? Why is everyone jumping on me about this topic? Why can't any of you ask me about something else? If I'm so bloody secretive I'm sure I have a heck of a lot of secrets tucked away somewhere in the enigmatic shadowy corners of my mind, why don't you ask about those?

Because they all tie back to him.

...

They do, and that's why we're jumping on this topic. No matter how many secrets you may have, you can't deny that sooner or later they all involve Jewel. And the ones you hide the most doggedly, are directly concerned with him. What's going on?

Were you here for the 14th? Of September?

I was.

I know you were, yeah. Did you even hear about that, Lynne?

About Xenophon? Vaguely, I learned the details naturally after that went down.

Then maybe you heard that those two are the only bloody reason I'm here .

That's... that's how it is for all of us, though, we work to protect him--

No, I mean literally. You remember that date we keep referring to? December 23rd? Apparently when that first happened in 2005, it set the stage for this violet-haired maniac to steal the show. I stepped into this world that September, behind the guise of a watery mirror and in the middle of a dream. I didn't even know him, he had no idea who the heck I was. But even then, I knew he was important to me somehow. I told him to wake up. And the past six years have been him doing just that.

...What are you?

Honestly? I don't know. Julie's in the same boat. We were both formed by that red-haired lunatic over there, the one with chaos in his heart, literally and figuratively. Whether he realized it or not, he's the reason Julie and I are even breathing right now. The other five of you are typical headvoices, if there even is such a thing. You were all brought into being more indirectly. Julie and I were pretty bloody specific. We call ourselves headvoices, sure, and for all intents and purposes we are, but we're here for different reasons than you guys are. Julie was here to be the dark, to be the driving force behind our determination, to balance his shadows. I was here to be his knight, to be the driving force carrying him through that hell, to get him balanced himself.

Do you mean 'light?'

Maybe. Ask him.

You're both things to me.

There you go.

So... you're saying he's your life in a job sense after all.

Only partly. We've discussed that.

And the other part is what you won't tell us.

Why should I?

Because honestly Laurie? I want to know. I'm sick of you being such a... a shadow, almost.

A shadow?

You're insubstantial. We can see the general idea of who you are, but that's about it. You're still mostly a mystery, and you're unreachable.

That's a pretty bloody interesting term you used though.

You were dark, back when you first met him.

I needed to be. He asked me to be. It helped. I wasn't a damned shadow.

But you never let go of that darkness you still had, not completely.

Yeah, well maybe I needed it.

To do what?

To protect him. I needed an edge to fight the demons I had to face. I still do. We're getting off topic.

Does your absolute secrecy play into that too?

Into what?

Into needing to protect him?

...It used to.

Not anymore?

I don't know.

So what's holding you back?

From what?

From telling us about yourself.

Because it's not that bloody simple. You said it yourself, everything ends up tying back into the anomaly over here.

So that is true.

Of course it's true. That's obvious.

So you expect us to deduce everything about you from what little we can see? It's not working, Laurie. You've been up here 5 years and we know almost nothing about you, not truthfully. I think it's time to change that, considering that the year itself just did.

...What the blood do you want to know.

What everything else seems to be springing from. What is it with you and Jewel.

I'm his superego, his psycho guardian angel. I protect him.

Besides that.

What 'besides that?'

Jewel brought up October 12th. You refuse to talk about it. What happened? And don't say 'stuff,' honestly Laurie.

...

Laurie, I want an answer. What is he to you.

Everything.

Really?

Yeah, really. What, you couldn't tell?

Laurie-- really, you are absolutely infuriating.

Sorry.

I can't read you. None of us can read you. Maybe those two can, but that's because you've obviously decided to open up to them and them alone. Is that only because you're 'protecting them?' Aren't you protecting us too?

...Yeah.

So, talk to us.

I am talking to you.

Not just in general. Laurie, come on, let's get to the bottom of this. All I want to know is why you keep making exceptions for Jewel and refuse to even have civil conversation on a regular basis with any of us.

Exceptions?

Yeah, obviously. Your attitude is totally different around him. All I want to know is why. Truthfully.

...You're acting like I can just give you a simple answer.

Can't you?

No.

...What can you give us?

Not much. Not much at all.

Laurie, for the love of light--

What?? What the heck do you want from me already? You want to know what that kid means to me, fine. He's everything to me. I already said that, you aren't happy with it.

I don't... I don't know what that means to you. Or why. I'm just trying to figure out who you are.

...I didn't think I could trust any of you for years. Because of that damned tar thing. I didn't want to be used, I didn't want anything about me being used against him. And it worked, it really worked, the tar still won't touch me. But I'm fragile too, Lynne. I don't ever tell anyone. But Jewel is talking about October 12th and you're all missing the point that hey, maybe Laurie isn't the stone-cold thug we all assumed she is.

That's what I'm trying to say. We don't know that side of you. Only he does.

Maybe I don't trust you with it.

Why not?

...I told you. I'm a lot more fragile than I let on.

...How?

October bloody 12th. That's it, I'm done. Jewel, let's wrap this up.

...What were we building up to?

I don't even know. You were falling apart and then the same bloody thing happened to me.

Laurie?

Yeah?

Don't close off to them, please. They care about you too.

Not as much as you do.

...

That's what this is about, really. I don't know, maybe it's my own bloody fault for being so exclusive. But I don't... I still don't trust anyone but you two, well, three with Xenophon now... but I don't trust anyone but you guys with who I really am. Even a little bit. Man that feels weird to say.

What does?

'Who I really am.' Writing's on the wall, I guess. I really am a secretive coward.

...What would allow you to trust us, Laurie?

Hurts, doesn't it?

What?

Me not trusting you as much as you'd like. I know it hurts. I'm sorry for that. But you've got to understand. I act like the knight in shining armor here, but honestly, I need someone to save me too, sometimes.

...Laurie?

That's what this whole fiasco is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The battleaxe superego guardian up here needs someone to back her up too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the bloody guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty freakin' lonely with these trust issues I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still actually dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you-- I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?

...

You really did save me, kid. Remember what I told you, almost four years ago now? I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a pitiless scourge, like I was to you. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so bloody one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong. And then I don't know how the heck it happened, maybe you just wore down my edges, but I softened up. I started trusting you, a little at first, then a heck of a lot. I legitimately cared about you and stopped trying to convince myself it was only in the bloody job description. Did I talk about this before?

Not like this.

Good, then we are breaking ground. Speaking of breaking things, where the heck did all my walls go? Did you ever realize just how many I had up? No, not you, everyone else. Jewel never sees the walls, that's how he gets so bloody far, he just keeps walking even if everything is standing in his way. He doesn't give up hope. He didn't give up on me, or Julie, or Chaos, or anyone. But he doesn't realize just how powerful that hope is. He's a spark, an agent, a guide. He's a cause . He's the only reason I started to hope at all . And I didn't realize it, but the moment that happened, I lost a wall. Just one. One of my defenses fell away. You kept doing that, Jewel, and every once in a while I'd throw them all back up. Here's an iron stronghold for you to get through, scared you half to death. But it was too late. You knew what I looked like behind all that barbed wire. I forget when you first saw that. But you did.

I think it was 2008. That was the day you... it was after my therapists made me think they were going to try and kill you. You started to get really scared but you hid it, completely. Then it got too much and you started to crack, a little, around me. And one day you got mad at me and you slapped me across the face, but then I noticed that you were actually crying, and you hugged me. And then you left without a word.

I did.

And that was the first time you ever showed that you cared, at all.

And now look at me. That was the first wall. It's gone forever. But on the 23rd, you showed me that you don't worry about walls either way. You could care less if there was a seven nation army standing in your way. You loved me. You walked straight through that palisade. You would have walked through hell to get to me, to anyone, and the fact that my name is even on that blessed list means the world to me. It does.

When was this?

The 23rd, I told you. Right after they decided they'd spent enough time up there in heaven. They were radiating love like radio towers. I didn't even think I could pick up that channel. And then you looked at me like you did on the twelfth, and I remembered what that felt like, so in fear I put up those walls, I put up every single defense I've ever had... and you walked right through the bloody things. Right through them, as if they didn't even exist. How the heck did you do that?

I don't know.

No, you don't, and that's the most beautiful thing. You just do that sort of thing, completely naturally. The most paranoid man on earth would trust you. Heck, that might even be Leon. Leon, you trust him, right?

Y-yeah.

There you go. But I'm a close second, God knows, and yet I trust you with my life. I do. That's the absolute truth. You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And so help me but I'm starting to want to do that for a heck of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden, and that's exactly what you're going through right now, isn't it?

It is.

An arrow straight through the heart. Both of us, this time.

...Well, who's shooting the arrows?

Lynne's the one with the bow, but I don't know if she's responsible for the deeper symbolic aspects of this phenomenon. That might tie into Gen's native world.

...How?

Xenophon. What's her role?

How does she tie into this?

How'd she get here? What do you and Chaos have, that allowed the 23rd to happen at all?

...

Love is what you have. Entirely. Absolutely. You run on it, Jewel. I've never met anyone like you. And I love you. I actually love you. And if you asked me, right now, to match Genesis on this level business, I'd say yes. I honestly would.

...Are you serious?

I'm dead serious, and don't you start crying on me, I'm close enough to breaking myself.

I- I can't . Laurie, you just...

You essentially freakin' proposed on the 12th, remember? We were joking about that for weeks. But all our injokes are serious on some level, aren't they.

...

And no, Chaos, don't freak out, I'm still too weirded out by the other half of the 23rd.

Well, it's a start.

Yeah, it is. That enough info for you, Lynne? You got me spilling my bleeding heart out here. Congratulations.

...Laurie, I didn't know.

No, you didn't. Nobody knew. That's the point. Jewel kept telling me, open the heck up, you can't be such a stone-hearted imbecile, except in much nicer language. You can't stay closed off forever. It's only going to hurt you. And yeah, it hurts like hell. I'm sick of this self-abuse. You want to talk to me? Go right ahead. I couldn't care less about fear right now. Good riddance, seriously. I'm done. The walls are gone, happy 2012, let's start this life over for heaven's sake. I'm tired of what I've been up to this point.

I'm not.

...You saw who I was behind all this bloody steel is why. I think it's about time I actually started trying to be that person.

Don't hurt yourself, Laurie.

What, is that a legit concern?

Yeah. Don't do what Jewel does. Don't throw yourself into danger without thinking of the cost to yourself.

Buddy, I've been doing that for a few years already, haven't I?

You know what I mean. Just don't be reckless. Think of him.

Please Laurie, be careful, I don't want you suffering like I have. Ever.

...

So that's it.

What's it? I said a heck of a lot back there.

No, I... can we talk about this later?

Yeah, I'd be glad to. But now who's being secretive?

Laurie, really. It's just that we've talked enough in here. Jewel needs sleep. I'd rather continue this after the session is closed.

Works for me. That work for you, Jewel?

Sure.

The 24th going to happen now or what?

Psh, I don't know, if you thought I was fragile before you should look at me now.

I am. You don't look too good.

I think I really am going to shatter. You, and Chaos, are just absolutely lighting me up right now and I can't handle all this voltage. I'm shining fit to break.

Like I said, the 16th of January didn't turn out so bad.

That was different, and you also said that. That was different. This is a whole new year, a new chance. A lot has happened since then. This is a whole different level, Laurie.

Is it?

You saw how I reacted to Chaos last night. I can't take this.

...

Jewel, about that.

What?

...That's not something to be freaking out about. We're all sensitive to certain things.

He's afraid of breaking though.

I am. It hurts. And I just... I love him, but dear God, do you even know what that feels like?

What?

For someone to be that close to you. So deliberately and... honestly, again. Like a rainbow in a raindrop. Like blood and sunlight. Like...

Like weary eyes upon my scars, huh.

The lyrics are different, but I like that better.

Figured you would.

I can't talk about this. It feels almost blasphemous, to be discussing something that... fragile.

Hey, Darian drew it.

That's still close. That's close enough to last night, to July 7th. It's close enough.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Sorry I'm not going to be able to finish this conversation.

What do you mean?

I promised you guys a recap. I think it's a little too late for that.

No, Laurie, if you promised them a talk, then talk. I can wait.

You sure?

Of course. Sorry for putting you under so much stress.

It's no problem. I think I needed that. Otherwise who knows how long I would have dodged your questions?

Heh, you have a point.

So are we leaving?

You guys can leave if you want, sure.

Laurie?

Huh?

Thank you.

For what?

For protecting him, and all of us. Thank you for that.

...Well heck, I didn't expect to hear that from you. You're welcome.

Thanks for letting me live, too.

I had already killed you once, skeleton boy. It wouldn't have been fair to do it twice.

Seriously, Laurie. I didn't think I'd make it. Thank you.

Is everyone going to be thanking me now? Is this the new way to ring in the new year? Everyone smother Laurie with thank yous until she thinks she's at the bloody Academy Awards?

Well, we do have reasons to thank you.

Apparently! The heck are you thanking me for?

Not killing me.

I could have.

But you didn't.

I tried, a heck of a lot of times.

But you didn't, still.

That's nothing to thank me for.

Then I'll thank you for giving me a second chance too. For actually... forgiving me. For letting me stick around now. That means a lot to me.

...Guess it does.

Thanks.

Not sure what to say to that, but... you're welcome, I guess. Jo, you going to thank me too or what?

I'll thank you for not being more of a pain in the butt than you already are, sure.

Hey!

Just busting ya. Thanks for letting me on the team. And... trusting me as much as you did last year.

...Yeah. Almost forgot about that.

I didn't. Chill out, okay?

Sure, fine.

...

Last in line, huh. What's the deal?

Thanks for yelling at me earlier?

Really?

Yeah. Guess I needed some sense knocked into me.

Hey, I do that to Jewel all the time, it's no problem. I've gotten good at it. But things can get pretty upsetting up here, so you had every reason to be angry.

Yeah but you didn't have to help me out with it, so thanks.

Geez, everyone is acting like I went out of my way to do all this stuff.

Which is exactly why we're thanking you. You didn't, did you?

Well no, not really.

You may be shadowy and enigmatic, but you've got a good heart, and we all know that even if we don't say so. We're just worried about you.

No reason to be worried, I'll manage.

Then we just care about you, too. How's that?

...Best late Christmas present I've got so far. Thanks.

I'll see you later, Laurie. Don't keep them up late.

Yeah, yeah, I won't.

...

So.

I'm speechless.

No kidding, I'm worn out. Jewel, how much do you want to talk about?

First, let's get my daughter to bed, because it's almost 2 in the morning.

Mmmokay dad. M'just tired.

That's the point, beautiful.

Your dad's right. You need sleep.

But I'm worried 'bout you too. n'Laurie.

We've got that stuff settled out for now, kid. You're half asleep.

Mmaybe.

Yes you are. Get to bed, kid.

Mph. I think you're gonna have to take me there dad.

Want me to walk her out?

Carry her out, please, I unfortunately can't leave this channel.

Sure. Be right back.

Love you dad. You too dad. And Laurie.

We know.

We love you just as much, kid.

There is a heck of a lot of love going around here.

No kidding? Did you mean what you said to Jewel?

What part? But yeah, I was being totally honest. That rarely happens in polite and pleasant company.

The part about saying yes if he had asked you to connect with him.

...Why in heaven's name wouldn't I mean that?

Geez, Laurie, that is serious is why.

How bloody serious? I'm the only one of our four-man band who hasn't done that yet, and God knows I would if that was offered.

Why?

Weren't you listening, waterboy? It ain't in my job description, although I've apparently penciled it in. Why do you do it?

...I... But that's not the same, we--

I'm not talking about details, geez. I'm talking about the heart of it, pun intended. Deep down it's the same bloody reason.
And that's the entire point.

...You seriously feel this much?

What, does that shock you? S'alright, it shocked me too. Still does. But look at my life, for heavens sakes. Better yet, look at him. Same blessed thing.

...I just... never thought about it like that.

'Cause it's a different color than yours is why. Doesn't matter. It's still love. And I've still got depths to rival yours.

...

...Which, quite honestly, is terrifying. But I'm realizing that if I don't pour that stuff out, I'll drown. And not in a good way.

Heh, yeah.

Although for me it's more water than space, apparently.

...So you'd actually... asphyxiate. Geez, that's way too applicable for you.

No kidding, man! 


All right, I'm back. What'd I miss?

Not much. That was fast.

Not much, he says. Not listening to the stage whispers, he says.

Ssh!

Yeah, I teleported her over. She is really tired, it's kind of cute. So what's up, Laurie?

The heck do you think is up? I'm an emotional mess is what.

Are you gonna be okay?

Should be. Yeah. In time, at least.

...So.

So?

Plans for tomorrow?

Putting up my calendar, for one. 

Heh, there's something.

No, really, I mean for us. Are we really going to try to accomplish what we weren't able to on the 24th?

Yeah, I'd like that, if you couldn't tell.

About that. Genesis, Jewel was talking to me about this earlier.

...

He's a little nervous about bringing you into this.

Why?

Energy mismatch? Jewel, how'd you put it?

You're a little too exuberant sometimes, love. Just a little too straightforward. I've been breakable recently. I don't want you rushing into this when I wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally.

...Well you can just tell me that, that's okay.

We can't do it like we did in 2008 or so. Not like to Ferry Corsten. Now the music's different. Now we've got Dare-Gale playing for two hours while I get completely lost in the mind and heart of a demigod.

...

All connections are different though.

I don't know if anyone's even getting close to connecting tomorrow. Point is, I said we're all doing this together. This is October 12th times two. Plus one. And Laurie can tell you, that had a very specific kind of mood.

Yeah, Laurie, what happened on the 12th? You were still kind of vague about it.

I took my bandages off. I let Jewel get close. And I completely collapsed emotionally.

Really?

Really. He's too bloody innocent, it hurts to look into eyes like that when you're hardened like this. I'm still too brutal at heart. He's a softie.

No walls at all.

Not a single one. I felt almost guilty, letting this sparkling thing look at me like he did and I was still secretly terrified. But yeah, mood-wise it was very deep. Does that count as a mood for us?

I think it does. It's not sad, not exactly, just... emotionally charged. Deep, yeah, that fits.

There you go. Piano key moods. Catastrophes and sunshine.

Not blood and sunlight?

You only get that close to Chaos, and that's what makes you shatter. No, I'm talking about rifle recoil and Coldplay. Open seas and daylight.

...

Rainbows and waterfalls, couldn't live without.

Everything is beautiful.

That's yours.

Mine hasn't been used as a title yet.

Maybe we should title this one after his?

That would be ironic, I barely did anything in this conversation.

Well, he and I have been living life together a lot more, so it could work.

Maybe. Laurie, I'm just wondering what you mean by a deep mood for tomorrow though.

Genesis, I don't know if we've had something like that in a while. We're usually stupidly optimistic, and I love that, but... when was the last time we really just calmed down and kind of just were together? Honestly?

...I don't know. There's little bits of that here and there, but... nothing big in a while.

Because that's all that happened on the 12th. Chaos and I fall into that state naturally at this point. For Laurie it was hard, she barely managed. For you, I'm sure you can hit it, but... I don't know, I feel kind of bad asking you to stop being so bright and bubbly for a while.

I can do that.

It wasn't the 'bright and bubbly' part you were worried about, Jewel. It's the fact that he's a little too straightforward for you sometimes.

Am I?

You are.

Just a little. I mean I'm not reticent, at all, but I take things slowly. Carefully. The last time I was with you you literally just jumped in. It was a little overwhelming.

I can not do that, though. It's not a problem.

To not do that?

Sure.

Geez, I was afraid you'd be offended, thank you for not freaking out on me.

Why would I be offended?

I don't know. Maybe I'm projecting my perfectionist fear. I'd start panicking that maybe I was doing something wrong.

You've got to stop listening to that programming, Jewel. There are no "rules" like that up here, remember? If following some arbitrary rule made you afraid to be honest and open, I'd tell you to break the bloody thing.

Good point.

So are we doing this thing tomorrow or what?

Depends on how much sleep I get, guys. It's 2 in the morning.

Yeah, I know, but... I kind of miss just talking like this.

I do too.

...

Chaos?

Just thinking about last night is all.

Yeah, Jewel, you fell apart.

I'm fragile, Laurie. He puts me to music, I can't deal with that sometimes. You know what that feels like.

Yeah, but God, you really fell apart. Is it really that different from a connection?

What did he do?

I let Chaos get close to me, but not in a total way. Not absolute, here let's completely freaking soulmerge kind of close, but... quiet close?

Why can't you take that from other people?

Maybe it's my fire. I can do that to other people, I do that to Chaos a lot, but as soon as the tables are turned and people are looking at me like I look at them and treating me like I'm an expensive violin I really don't know how to handle it, and I shatter inside. I feel everything.

Like an expensive violin?

We put him to music, Laurie. I think it's a fitting metaphor.

More like a harp, I was thinking, with all the heartstrings he's got.

...

True.

What were you doing though?

I don't want to talk about it, it's too freaking intimate.

I repeat, Dare drew you two being that close.

I didn't expect her to. You see how I'm reacting now. For some reason I'm not used to that.

Don't get used to it, mister Estar, that's not the point.

What is, then?

The point is you wouldn't keep bringing this up if you weren't bothered by it. Are you afraid of feeling that much from him?

I'm afraid of feeling that much from something that delicate , period.

Delicate?

Jewel, have you ever talked about that one Wednesday morning online?

...

March 2nd. Go freaking figure, actually.

...No. I tried telling Q and Mel once, but... I don't think they understood.

Is that what's making you feel so bloody guilty talking about it now?

Maybe unconsciously.

Forget that then.

I am. Judgments or even a lack thereof don't matter.

Misinterpretations do.

...Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of with everything I do now.

Don't be. It doesn't change the truth of things. Ever.

I know.

Do you believe it?

Yes.

Good. That's important.

I know.

So what happened on the second?

...I... how do you summarize that?

I don't know if you can.

You freak out when people get that close. Why? Are you afraid of being hurt or what?

No, I... maybe I just don't feel like I should be feeling that. Like it's okay if everyone else in the world can experience that. I actually used to love watching other people do things like that. Laurie, maybe that's what you do. I'm just... so inspired, so moved, by seeing love move like that between two people, so sincerely, so completely innocently.

Yeah, that sounds like what I do.

Then why don't you feel like you're allowed to feel it? That makes no sense.

It can't be gender dysphoria, because you get this reaction up here too.

No, it's not dysphoria on any level, I don't think, but... maybe it's just my misplaced guilt drive again. My family has always been very defensive and secretive, in a bad way. When I was a kid I would hide just to write my stories, just to draw. I remember even throwing out my favorite stories after I wrote them, because the thought of my parents reading them was so distressing. If someone caught me being so honest, I felt guilty, almost dirty. They made close and intimate things seem so wrong , because everyone in my family was so distant and angry and no one was ever close or sensitive to anyone else. And because that was one of the deepest parts of my nature, I always felt like I had to hide myself, to lie about myself, to deny that side of myself. Maybe that's where a lot of my current problems come from. I've never thought about it that way before.

That's why you always look for childlike innocence even in the things that hurt you.

I see it. I don't just look for it, it's there when I do it, but...

But not for anyone else.

No. And I've... I've paid in blood for that.

I know.

And now you don't have to hide that anymore, and Chaos is perfectly willing to have that with you in the most honest way I have ever seen, and you're still terrified.

I know...

Why won't you let go of it?

Of what?

The feeling like it's wrong somehow, to feel so much from someone, like that. It's not. It can't be, by virtue of what it is .

...

Listen, if you calm down, I'll calm down. I'll try not to freak the heck out tomorrow or whenever we do whatever we're doing.

Why do you freak out though?

I'm not used to feeling that much.

Neither am I.

Seriously?

Seriously.

The heck's the difference? No way that's stronger than a connection.

Different level. He hasn't worked on this level since he was a kid, and we've had shadows tearing at it for a few years now.

...

So you don't get guilt or anything when people get close to you.

Heck no, I just get terrified because my paranoia isn't gone all the way yet. I know you won't hurt me, but listen, letting anyone get that close to me is one hell of a risk. At least, that's what my instincts keep telling me, even now. And yours keep saying that letting anyone get that close to you is wrong, because why?

Because...

Remember what Josephina said. Check your facts.

It's not wrong. I thought it was when I was a kid. I didn't understand.

So now you're just scared of how much you feel.

I don't know how to explain that. It's different from the 23rd. It's a different context.

You don't have to explain it, I know how it feels.

Not exactly, Laurie.

You sure? You do remember the 12th, right?

...

I know what that feels like.

Jewel?

Yeah?

I don't have to do that if you don't want me to.

No, I... I need that, somehow? That trust, that complete candor of it. The fact that it's you , like that, with me, and I just...

Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout we stop talking about this and you two go figure it out firsthand? Think you can deal with that?

I... maybe. I hope so. Chaos, if I start crying or something ridiculous like that, don't mind me.

Crying isn't ridiculous. It happens, and you feel enough for it to happen often. It's not a flaw, at all, ever. Get that out of your head.

...

Just because I'm a bloody statue doesn't mean you have to be one.

Laurie, you're not that expressionless.

I used to be. I had two modes, ticked off and fires of hell. That was it. Then Jewel decided he was going to write in all these new and secret modes and it took me a really long time to figure that stuff out. But the point is Jewel is still denying his emotions. You don't need to be anyone's tough guy. You're stronger than the most musclebound action hero on the planet with that heart of yours. Believe me.

...

Listen, you need sleep. Genesis, you got anything to contribute to this?

Not really. I just want to make sure Jewel is okay before I leave. I'm tired too, but he doesn't look so good.

He's a bit of an emotional shambles. He'll be okay, promise.

Laurie's right, I'll pull myself together soon enough. I just... I feel so weird not being able to reach a good conclusion on this topic. I don't know what I'm even trying to say.

You want to be close to Chaos but you're afraid you're too fragile to handle it. Sounds like the 23rd, different level, different sort of overload.

Yeah.

He kicked you into "blue fairy mode" last night, didn't he?

Really, Laurie.

He did, though, the ironic injoke has come full circle. Now you're a real man, so stop trying so hard.

Laurie, you're making me laugh over here, stop it.

No, you need to lighten up, you haven't smiled in like two bloody hours.

Well now I'm smiling, there you go.

Good. You two going to be okay?

Why, are you leaving?

No, we're all leaving at once, I don't want this going on for another five hours. I mean are you going to be okay after the session is over?

Define okay, Laurie.

Are you going to be a negative emotional mess or are you two somehow going to find a way to work this out for the best?

My money's on the latter.

Mine too. You two always seem to do that whether you're trying or not.

Which is good, because I do try too hard.

You do. Listen, Jewel. Crying, falling apart, being sensitive and all that? It's fine. Seriously. If it happens, it happens. I actually admire that you can do that. So don't beat yourself up over it or go on a guilt trip. It is fine and I don't want you suppressing that sincerity. All right?

All right.

Chaos, I am holding you responsible for getting him to at least one of those.

What? Why?

It's 2012. I want this fixed. Get him through fragility without freaking out, somehow. If he falls apart, make sure it's not into fragments.

I'll make sure, I promise you that.

I'll fall apart into... a kaleidoscope. Maybe.

No dissolving poet mode, not now, it's too late even for that. Channel it into the blue guy.

Into the blue guy?

Yeah, why the heck not?

Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm taking her up on this offer, let's get moving.

Now you're making offers on my behalf, Laurie. Whatever will you think of next.

God only knows, kid. Hey, Genesis?

Yeah?

You don't have to be a spectator, you know.

I know, I'm just watching.

He's learning from you, be careful.

Hey, you two are legit inviting me now, I'm the one who needs to be careful!

Maybe I should stick around and just be a spectator, then.

Nope, that's it for tonight, we're closing this up. I think we're all worn out in one way or another.

That's for sure.

I do want to spend time with you guys soon. Tomorrow, hopefully. If not then Monday. But I love all of you so much. I just don't want to be a mess when it happens.

You won't be. I've got faith in you, kid. Chaos, take care of him for me.

And me, by the way. You have the night shift now.

I've always had the night shift, Gen.

No, I used to hang out with him until he fell asleep, remember? Back in the old days!

Never like this, though.

No, not like this, I did that in the mornings.

Did you?

Uh, yeah, Ferry Corsten? That was at like 7AM. Chaos, when was yours?

Like 10PM or something. It was late.

Laurie, you need to find something right in the middle there.

No way, man, that's up to Jewel and I'm not rushing a single thing. It was an acceptance in advance, I don't care if it never even bloody happens. That's not my real goal. It's the thought, and what inspired it, that counts.

Yeah, and you know how important thoughts are.

You have a point.

But no, I won't rush anything. I need to get myself stable first and I'm not ready for that either. First step is getting over this fragility freakout. Chaos, you're going to need to walk me through it. Slowly.

Slowly?

Yeah. I... I don't know, I write all this poetry about you when I'm up late, and then I actually see you like this, and all the words go out the window. Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Hm.

It's true.

I know.

...

Guys?

What?

Stop staring at each other like that before you make us two want to get involved.

Yeah, no kidding, you're making me jealous.

Of which one of us?

Haha, both of you, maybe!

We've got the weirdest relationship-shape in history going on here.

It's asexual, for one, that's weird enough.

No kidding.

Wait, does it actually go four ways?

Well, it technically doesn't unless you and I get involved, and frankly that is way too freaking weird for me right now.

Yeah, uh, no offense but that's really weird for me too.

None taken.

Wait, just us?? Not you and Chaos?

Genesis, the night of the 23rd was pretty weird.

What did you do.

I snogged her is what.

It was a dare and it was weird, man! You two were way too bloody high on love and life and I figured hey, why the heck not?

Still happened.

Yeah, whatever, that's still confidential and if you tell anyone outside of our freakish camaraderie I will gut you like a fish.

I'd like to avoid that, so my lips are sealed.

You're going to have to kiss her eventually, Genesis.

Oh shut up, CZ.

That's how it goes, bud! Once you're in the group, you're in with everybody else. No exceptions. It just happens.

I just really love everyone, like a heck of a lot, and I guess it rubs off on people?
 
No kidding, he's done that downstairs already, too.

I know. I love it.

We do need talks like this more often.

I'm all for it.

Not this late though, seriously.

Haha, no kidding! You two get out of here, I'll close this up.

I'm not staying in here alone with you after what Chaos just said!

Geez, Gen, chill the heck out, I'm not making moves on anyone.

I'm kidding.

I should've guessed.

No, we're weird enough for that to be a valid concern.

True.

Guys, we're not gone yet.

Get the heck out of here, you do have things to settle.

That we do.

Be careful with him, by the way.

I will be.

See you two in the morning.

Yeah, you too.

Good night, Jewel. You too, Chaos.

See you guys.

Well.

Well what?

Well, do you want to just close this up and avoid the awkwardness or what?

Uh, maybe? Or we can just be ironic and stand around and not do anything.

We could. But it's like 3 in the morning, this is really freakin' late.

Did you really kiss Chaos?

Technically he got me, because Jewel got me like three freaking times and then dared me to get Chaos and I thought why the heck not. I couldn't exactly argue with him at that point.

Yeah, Jewel can be very convincing.

Haha, no kidding. So how the heck is tomorrow going to go down?

Is it tomorrow?

I hope so. Tonight was insane enough to need a near-immediate followup.

Probably. You had a rough time in here.

Eh, I guess it had to happen. I'm really hoping Jewel and Chaos are okay though.

What, with the fragility?

Yeah. Jewel does break easily. It worries me sometimes.

It worries me too. But I don't get why he's breaking around Chaos.

Because of how fragile it is. You heard him earlier, it's pressure points. And Chaos knows him like a book already. Jewel has him memorized, but I've got the feeling it goes both ways even if the blue guy doesn't talk about it.

That's pretty amazing.

What?

The memorizing thing. How they're actually able to do that.

Well you've seen them, haven't you? They're all over each other in one way or another. Chaos just absolutely melts into him and vice versa.

...

What, you jealous?

No, no, just... well, maybe a little bit.

Really?

Really. I just wish I could spend more time with Jewel like that too. I got to a lot when he was in high school, but it was always just barely at that level, and then 2008 happened and I guess everyone suffered from that.

Jewel does feel kind of intimidated by you sometimes.

Why?

I guess you don't go into fragility mode like he does. Even if it's not as severe as what they're doing tonight, both he and Chaos do get awfully fragile when they get close.

Hm.

And that seems to be a sort of natural state for Jewel. Totally open, no boundaries. Apparently Chaos does keep some up still but I think Jewel just burns right through all of 'em anyway.

You said he broke straight through yours?

Not broke, walked. He acted like they weren't even there and it somehow worked.

Wow.

Wow is right, you don't know what that felt like. You hear him talking about fragility? I have never felt that completely bloody defenseless in my life. And in a good way!

How so?

Like I didn't need to have any walls up. It was scary to not have the bloody things, but it was such a huge relief to know I could trust him like that, I guess. I dunno. It's new to me.

Huh. So you're saying maybe I need to be more fragile with him.

Just be less aggressive, I guess.

I'm aggressive?

Nah, I'm aggressive, but I break easy, believe it or not. You actually seem to have a good head on your shoulders there.

What do you mean by aggressive though? What am I doing?

You're going to have to ask Jewel for specifics. He's the one that brought this up to me. I see that you're just unflinchingly determined. You want something, you go after it. You want to be with Jewel, you're focused on that. Jewel doesn't focus on that at all. It's weird. It's like he's doing something completely different, and I think the personal factor of that is what freaked me out on the 12th the most.

Personal factor?

The flipside of this fragility thing. Jewel gets obsessed with people. You know how I said he looked at me?

Yeah.

That wasn't just a compassionate look or anything like that. That was like... geez, how do I explain it? It's like... like he was seeing me for the first time or something.

Maybe he was.

...Yeah, but... every single time? He still looks at Chaos like that!

I think that's just how he works.

Yeah, well, it's bloody awesome, and I hope he never quits.

I thought you said it freaked you out!

It did! No one has ever looked at me like that! But, really, it felt kind of amazing to have someone care that much all of a sudden. Or all along, and to just realize it then. I dunno. I'm tired.

Join the club.

Guess we'd better close up then.

Guess so. Otherwise this'll go on forever.

Nah, you need to sleep, that would eventually cut it short.

You don't sleep?

Not typically.

Geez.

Maybe I'll talk to the Sandman, see if he can convince me to take a legitimate snooze every once in a while. As of now though I've got too much bloody work to do, sometimes literally.

Like what do you do at night?

Used to be security. Now it's almost like a break, if there's nothing to settle from the day before, and if there's no one I need to contact or go looking for. You've seen what Jewel's done with our headspace, right?

Yeah, it's gorgeous.

He keeps adding to it! We've got this huge deck out back now and he added a coffeeshop for nostalgia's sake. So I go wandering around this city of ours sometimes, maybe I'll even add stuff.

You can add stuff?

Limitedly. I've got headspace-warping abilities, God knows how, but they're limited to our space up here as far as I can tell. Jewel and Chaos can do whatever the heck they want wherever they want, thanks to July 7th. I don't know if Xenophon inherited any of that. I honestly hope she did, that would be awesome.

Xenophon is so cool.

Isn't she? She's a total sweetheart. I love talking to her.

Really?

Yeah, no kidding! Who do you think takes care of her now? Lynne did all the babysitting while she was still developing, but now it's me, that's my job. So when she's not chilling with you or her fathers then I get to hang out with her, and it is boss.

You'll have to invite me over next time that happens, it would be cool.

It would be. Hey, maybe we can drag Leon or Julie over or something, those two need to be more involved with our group.

Does Jewel like Leon?

He likes everybody, that's obvious at this point.

No, I'm just wondering.

He does like Leon, as a friend. I'm the only headvoice he's got a crush on. I think.

Haha.

Well hey, it's the truth.

I know, that's what makes it funny!

But really, we should've closed this conversation up way back there.

Uh-oh, don't tell Jewel about this, we're the ones always telling him to close up fast.

Well you know what I say about rules. Break the bloody things when you need to. 

Within reason?

Yeah, but up here you can do that no worries. So we can talk however long we want, it's not bothering me.

Oh, so you made this rule, and now you're breaking it.

Basically. Turns out that breaking it is the better option here. Put it back together better, y'know. 

Is Jewel still listening to that song?

He's got it on loop. Kid gets addicted to music pretty darn fast.

Wasn't he channeling it through Chaos earlier? How does he do that?

He doesn't, he just kind of pushes it in Chaos' direction and he picks up on it. They run it through each other. Those two are joined at the hip, remember.

I think they're joined at more than the hip, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding. That link is a lot higher up, and that's where this fragility thing comes in.

You're really worried about that, aren't you?

Yeah, because I felt that on the 12th, and if Jewel gets it that bad I don't want him hurting himself.

Hm. Yeah, he does that a lot more than I'd like.

Join the club!

We can both join each other's clubs, awesome.

What was yours?

Being tired.

I think that's a good place to close up for real, though.

Yeah, no kidding. Next thing you know I'll be tired and hungry, too.

Psh, we've always got an injoke, I'm telling you.

Hurry, let's end on another one.

Well, I've heard that you're the one that started the recent sunglasses fad, so...

...Deal with it, Laurie.

That's it, Kanye shrug, I've had enough.

Works for me.

Oh, and happy new year, because why not.

That too!

2012. Man. Gonna be awesome.

Not if we don't get some sleep to start it!

Hey, you get sleep, I'll be up partying all night.

No fair!

Just kidding. I'll probably walk in on Jewel and Chaos and see what happens from there.

You've gotta teach me how to do that.

We'll work on it. As of now, this session is over.

That works for me!

Thank God, you're at least easy to work with.

Haha.

No seriously, good night.

You too, Laurie. See you tomorrow.

Inevitably.



prismaticbleed: (aflame)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE
GENESIS APOLYMIS LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE SPINE HYPOMONE
LEON KIASI NATHANIEL VICTOIRE JULIE ENANTIOS


Well guys, let's get this started.

About time. How many people are we getting in here?

As many as possible. I'm... I think I can handle it.

Forget about the bloody gender dysphoria, J. It's not you, remember? Don't let it mess around with you.

All right.

Seriously, you want everyone in here?

Yeah.

Huh. All right, sure. Let me go get them. You sure you can do this?

Just... give me a minute to re-center, actually.

Sure. Hey, this Daley you listening to?

You bet. Watch me repeat this song for the next two hours or so.

Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. Nice stuff.

It is. Honestly though, Laurie, hold up. I can't seem to get a stable connection running.

Why's that? The dysphoria interference?

Probably. It completely throws me off, every time.

Don't let it. I think that's why this instability keeps happening. You need to be stronger than it is, and you are, so stop trying to tell yourself otherwise.

All right, now you're coming through clear.

What about you though? Can you even hear yourself? Or are you still detached?

Getting better. Okay, I think I can do this now. Who's in here first?

Take a guess.

Hey!

Hey yourself. You doing okay?

Eh, kinda sorta. I'll manage. Where's Xennie?

I'm not letting her in here before I'm sure you aren't going to be hurting yourself with this.

I won't. Promise. This needs to happen, as a recap, as a starting point.

Doesn't mean you have to drive yourself to the edge for it.

He has a point.

Is that really such a big concern? Because that's surprising to me.

It's surprising to you because you never realize what danger you're putting yourself in until after it happens.

You're saying this is dangerous?

I'm saying it can easily become dangerous if you keep falling off-center while trying to channel like twelve bloody people at once.

Hm.

She's right, Jewel.

I know. But I need to be stronger too.

You're trying too hard, pun intended. Being strong doesn't mean being stiffnecked and refusing to acknowledge when you're in pain.

...Yeah, that is a bad habit of mine, isn't it.

It is.

So if you want to do this, let's do it, but don't you dare hold back if there's a problem. You tell me about it, I'll help you through it. Chaos too, am I right?

Absolutely.

Good. Now I think it's time to get the impossible kid in here, because she does help with these situations. Xennie?

Hi Laurie!

Sup kid?

N'much. Hey dad!

Hi sweetheart.

You okay?

Not really.

Yeah.

Why?

Tough stuff to deal with is all. I'll be okay, I promise. I just need to stop letting it get at me. It's kind of silly when I think about it. I don't want this to bother me, but I'm dwelling on it.

You're dwelling on it because it needs to be solved and you've been waiting long enough.

True, but I can't just snap my fingers and fix this. Wish I could, but I can't.

Hm.

But dad, you told me that's not you though.

That's my point.

Hey, can we just get the rest of this madhouse in here? This intro is taking just as long as our outros.

Yeah, let's get this party started. Genesis, get in here.

Hey!! We're talking?

Sure are, bud. Take a seat, this is going to be a wild one.

Good. I'm excited. Who else is going to be in here?

Everyone, I gather.

Everyone??

Pretty much. Depends on whether they decide to show up or not.

Maybe I should call them.

Maybe you should.

We're talking already?

There you are.

Yeah we're talking already, J-boy here is taking way too long to get this together.

Why? Is he okay?

Why does everyone ask that about me?

Because it's a legitimate concern, kid. And yeah, he's going to be okay. We're working on it.

We're talking, we're talking! Yesss!

Hi.

Hey Spine. Hey Jo.

Everyone else is being shy. Should I drag them in here?

Haha, no, I'll get them. Hold up.

Uh...

What, is she going to use force?

Hopefully not.

I told you, get your ass in here, we're talking.

...Sorry.

Leon! 'Sup bro?

Not much, hi.

Hi Jewel.

Aand that's what we need to talk about.

What?

You. Get in here, this is important.

...

Julie, you are allowed in here, you know.

I know. It's just... new.

Hey, chill out, there's nothing to worry about that.

Is there?

...Well, you know what I mean. Just relax. No use getting all worked up before the conversation even starts.

I'm not getting worked up, he is.

I'm just... nervous.

You're always nervous. Why the heck are you nervous? I thought your function had dropped that.

I-I'm not sure.

He's only spoken in two of these before, I think. And now we have some serious troubles to deal with. So that's understandable.

Hi Leon!

Hi. You're Xenophon, right?

Mm-hmm.

Haven't you spoken to her before?

Not really. I haven't... been around much. And when I am we're just in a group so I can't really talk to anyone and it doesn't get anywhere. With talking. At least.

Dude, you need to take a chill pill. Maybe two. All right, are we all in here?

Are we inviting any new people?

Heck no, that's too much stress on our boy here, we don't need extra focus burnout. A hell of a lot has happened since September. Same with Menchou, she's not in here either because she's a newbie to the crew in the extreme sense.

She's been up here before, though.

She still has no bloody idea what all the details are. She knows next to nothing about anything right now. So. Enough of the prancing around. Let's start this conversation. Jewel? Topics.

Topics, sure. Hey, by the way. If anyone wants to speak up, speak up. No one is being censored here.

We know.

All right, good. Just making sure, because I know those three have been keeping to themselves lately.

I haven't been around! I've been too busy with mirrors!

You haven't been in them lately.

Because he's been getting bad fallout and I don't want to be involved in that.

Well that's your bloody job, isn't it?

Laurie, please.

No, I'm serious. He's supposed to help you with the dysphoria hell. Where were you this morning?

Not in them. I told you, I can't deal with that all the time.

Really, don't force him, it's tough enough for me.

Jewel do you need my help?

Maybe. I don't know. I've been relying on Menchou for emergency protection but... but I do need to deal with this on my own, right now. That's why it's tough. So Laurie, it's not Natalie's fault.

And I think that's a perfect segue into our actual discussion. Natalie, or Nathaniel, what are you going by now?

Nat is fine.

No, I mean as a full name. Which one are you using?

Both?

All right, cool. But yeah, kid's back. Been back for a while now.

That... ironically I'm still dealing with that.

With what brought him back?

Yeah.

Jewel, I think you need more serious help with this.

From who though? You guys are doing all you can--

Not us. I mean therapists, doctors, those sorts of people. We're all helpless when it comes to that. I think that's the sort of help you need now.

He's been trying to get that sort of help for years now, if you haven't noticed.

I've noticed. But he hasn't been getting help. I think we need to focus more, and stop beating around the bush. If that's what he needs, we need to get that, directly.

How?

Figure it out. But that's long-term. Jewel, when did Natalie first come back?

November 18th, according to my list.

You've got a list?

Yeah, a big one.

A lot has happened since September.

No kidding!

So, the 18th. Run that recap by our readers.

Uh... that was actually after the tar and glass incident, did we mention that?

No, actually we didn't. Link it up, boy.

That's late, though. We're skipping over my lapses in September, and the burnout in October, and... and the 12th, so--

All right, all right, I get the picture. Skip to the beginning. Where'd we leave off?

I came back. To my senses, that is.

'Came back' works, in a weird way.

How so?

I dunno. Feels weird to assume she was a bitch forever, though, with what you told me about her 'creation.'

It does. Sorry. Julie, what do you remember from way back then?

Not much. I was really confused for a while, couldn't really think straight. But then all the shadow stuff happened, and... it's a blur. I don't really want to remember it anyway.

That's okay. I was just wondering.

Mm.

So she's back, Xenophon's role was figured out, and then things started happening pretty fast, didn't they?

I went to the expo is what I did.

What, after that entry? Geez, I guess you did. That was huge.

We didn't even talk about that yet??

Nope. Guess not.

Wow. We are really behind, haha!

We are. But that expo will take far too long to summarize here. Jewel, link it.

Sure. Here's the entry I wrote up concerning what I learned there.

All right. And after that?

After that... actually, during the expo I wrote up a list of things I needed to work on personality-wise, but that's a whole project in itself so maybe we should discuss those by ourselves later, Laurie.

Hey, I want to be involved in this too! Remember my new job!

You're still the reaper, Jo.

Duh, but I'm the one checking truths now too. Remember what your therapist said?

Sure do. Always check your facts.

Yeah, and that's my job now. So count me in for when you're discussing this, because I'm sick of being left out.

Good, I'm sick of it too.

Haha!

That should help me battle my dysphoria, too. See, I told you it was baseless.

Baseless in why you're letting yourself be ruled by it, that is. The cause of it is pretty solid.

Unfortunately.

Dad, it's okay, remember?

I remember, yeah. All right. Hey, speaking of, you and your other dad are the next point after the expo.

Really?

That wasn't a very positive turn of events, though.

Maybe not, but it sure helped.

Yeah. Oh, really quick, before I forget. We're going to have to put this session on pause in an hour, just so you know. Gotta run to church.

Oh yeah. Last mass of the year, right?

It is.

Type faster.

Haha, okay!

Can I come, dad?

You always do, and while we're at it, everyone else is invited because why not.

Before we get there, that's still our current topic. Those two angels over there.

...

Who, us?

You got that right.

...What threw me off back then?

"When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless."

Oh. Yeah, that was... I got pretty bad for a while there.

What happened?

I... the expo triggered my doubt problem, the ego issues and all that. I kept shooting myself down and holding myself back, even if at heart I didn't want to.

Like what?

Hold on, he's checking.

Yeah, it's a little hard to remember details... oh. Here we go. "One: I'm still trying too hard, and moving too fast. Two: I'm not trusting my own judgments and actions when I should be. I keep second-guessing myself, even now. Three: There's a lot of shadow still clinging to me as the ego. And that was the most important lesson because it stood in such stark contrast to Chaos as we spoke."

I remember that.

I figured you would.

Was that... when was this?

Beginning of October, I think.

No, that was actually September 19th.

You serious? That was before the burnout, then. Geez.

I told you we had a lot to talk about.

Guess so. Keep going.

So that was... that was me realizing who I was beneath all the fears, thanks to those two. Chaos and Xenophon. And... it took a while to sink in, but...

I almost lost you for a while.

...

That was when you couldn't see him, right.

I couldn't find him.

Even though I was right there.

That's why it hurt so much, for both of us.

...Dad?

Yeah?

That doesn't happen anymore, does it?

...

It did, once. Just once, a few days ago.

When the heck was this?

The almost-hack that brought Menchou back into active duty.

Oh. Yeah, that almost slipped my mind. Keep going, Jewel, there's a lot more to talk about before we get to that.

Okay. So all the emotional pain the end of September brought, with realizing just how lost I still was in that respect, was a huge motivation for me to start working very hard at conquering those points and becoming a better person.

Ironically.

Well geez, Laurie, I still have a lot of rough spots.

You're still a good person even with them, you know.

You are.

...I know.

But do you believe it?

Yeah, that's a concern too, isn't it?

Current one. We're still back in September right now.

That's ego doubt, right there. When I let go of it, all the fear and worry is gone, completely gone.

Then let that junk go. What's next?

Family troubles hit around the 21st, that was yet another cosmic 2x4 to the face telling me to start being more independent in case everything fell through. And that did stick. Then that night Jacob told me I'd... let me quote him. "...You'll make a great parent. You've pretty much got the basis of it down: love at all cost. Everything else follows from that. Just love hir (Xenophon) with all you have, and it'll turn out right. Related to that, you and Chaos both just impress the heck out of me where all this is concerned. I hope I can always continue loving, and showing love, the way you two do."

That's actually gorgeous.

It is. And that night I went to say goodnight to you, Xenophon, and I just ended up breaking down over how much stress I was under and you told me it would be okay. No matter what. And I truly, honestly believed that. Xennie, you have no idea how much that helped me then, and how much it still helps me now.

Yes I do. That's why I keep saying it. You need to remember that, dad. And you are a good dad because I know you're still worrying about that too!

Heh, he probably is.

Maybe in the back of my mind, yeah. But that's an automatic worry whenever I feel like I'm falling.

You're slipping pretty badly, kid. Hold on.

What, now?

Yeah, right now.

I'm not sure what this is.

Dysphoria fallout, and you bloody well know it. Julie, Nat, get over here.

Why? What are we going to do?

Talk him through this crisis with me. Jewel, pay attention. Nat, you're supposed to help him out with this, with remembering that he's not the stranger's face in the mirror. That's the core of your job.

...

And Julie, you're no threat to him anymore, believe me, so stop being so bloody scared to help him out.

I help him out! He asks me for help and I help him! I just don't barge in.

Maybe he wishes someone would every once in a while, you ever think of that? The kid feels pretty tragically ostracized from all of you because you keep to your own quiet business until there's a catastrophe. Well, maybe if we all got together more often there wouldn't be so many bloody catastrophes.

Laurie...

Ssh, this needs to be said. Give me a minute. Listen, I know we've all been spending a lot more time together lately but that is not enough. Julie, you're supposed to be around more.

I don't want to bother you!

Bother us how?

You're all so close, and... I feel like I'd be intruding. I don't belong near that, at all.

Listen, that's absolute nonsense. You are allowed to be around.

I don't want to be.

What? Why?

I don't deserve that at all. It's not right. Not after what I did.

What, you still haven't forgiven yourself either?

Laurie, it's hard, all right? It is really hard. Jewel knows what I'm talking about. I'm sorry.

...

Yeah, the both of you are total tangled messes right now. Listen, let's... let's just finish this recap, then we can deal with this if it hasn't been settled already. Jewel, pay attention!

Love at all costs. That's what important.

And that applies to yourself, remember.

What is holding me back?

Let go of that shadow. Let it go. It's not you. Nat, talk some sense into him.

I can't do that! That's your job!

What, so you're going to shirk that responsibility if it falls on your shoulders? You're the green one up here, so this is particularly important. Get to it.

Nat, it's okay, don't worry about it.

Well it's not okay, that's already a lie.

I want it to be okay though. We should be having a conversation here, getting things ready for the new year, why--

This problem isn't solved is why. If you're still having hairtrigger breakdowns whenever the slightest twinge of dysphoria hits you, that's a serious concern. I don't want you fragmenting again.

...

Terrifying, isn't it? Now think about how I feel, how we feel. We don't know what to do about this mess and we don't want you doing this to yourself. Am I right?

'Course you're right, but we can't do anything about this.

Not directly, no.

So that's the kid's responsibility to himself. Jewel, think about the 23rd, pull yourself together.

...

Wow, that was one quick center.

I can still get thrown off just as quick, though. That's the danger here. Let's get back to talking.

Sure, sure. Sorry about the holdup.

Who?

The readers, if we even have any. Also, Jo, you're the only one talking over there. Leon, speak up.

W-why?

Because you're really bloody important up here and you need to get involved. Jewel, next topic.

All right, now we're at the October burnout. I took on way too many responsibilities at once, in several areas, and by the 9th I was already feeling the consequences. I was getting hacked again, I started to get physically ill... oh, wait, the 2nd was when Xenophon went through her most recent appearance shift, we should really mention that.

Was that when I got legs?

Yes it was, that was amazing. That's here by the way.

That was a pretty awesome day.

It was. But like I was saying, I was falling apart even before the second week of October, and... and that's when I tried to label you, Laurie.

...Is that when it was.

Yeah.

...What was this?

Shut up, Jo, let someone else talk.

Well excuuuse me.

I'm kidding. This is just... this is actually not a topic I like going back to.

Really?

Really. This was the 10th. I daresay you probably don't want to think about that again either.

...

It needed to happen, though.

It still hurt, horribly.

What happened?

He tried to label me. Put me in a box.

He started losing track of reality at that time, too.

He did. Didn't you actually have to tell him that he was real?

Yeah, basically.

Geez. I forgot just how bad that was, actually.

I tried too hard to put on a mask and fit a description, and I started projecting that onto other people. I was losing track of myself is what I was doing. And... that's when I realized that I was having serious trouble splitting realities, at all. I had been for a while, but that's when it hit hard.

Then there was that one night at the beginning of October.

...That hurt more than I let on.

More than you let on? Chaos, you broke down for ten solid minutes! How the hell much did that hurt?

Keep reading, he talks about that on the 11th.

...I see. Sorry, bro.

It's okay. That was rough for all of us.

Oh. Wait. Two other things happened on the 10th that are still affecting me now.

Good things, I hope?

Thankfully, yeah. The one was when you told me to be more careful with my mind, and my rampant thoughts, because they were more powerful than I dared give myself credit for?

Heck yes, that is seriously important. Don't forget that.

Yeah, you've been reminding me of that constantly since then. It's helping, but I need to do more meditation before it'll get quieter. I guess I need to 'die' on that level first. Meditation is ego death, and that needs to happen a lot more than it does now.

No kidding.

So that's important point one. Tying into that is point two, which Xenophon said to me.

I did?

Yeah. That was the night I couldn't see your eyes.

You weren't really there, dad! You weren't paying attention to anything.

Man, is that retroactive synchronicity or what?

...Yeah, it is.

Ironically I'm still having trouble with the concentration.

Because your messed-up mind won't shut up. At least now you're aware of it and you're putting a lot of effort into staying stable, even if you're not all there yet. And I daresay the 23rd helped more than you're giving it credit for, too. Yes, even with all the credit you've already given it.

What happened on the 23rd?

Awesome things. We'll get there. Now, in a stunning display of even more ironic synchronicity, it's time to talk about October 12th. Or not.

We do need to discuss the 11th first. That was interesting, extremely so, because... well, for one, I had literal synchronicity with Laurie, which has never happened before.

Yeah, I remember that. That was the names, right?

Yeah. And you helping me center again.

Don't-- don't talk about that.

I won't. But... that night was when... Chaos kind of...

I slipped.

You what?

Slipped. I wasn't there when Jewel looked at me, for once. Usually it's the other way around when we... fall that far.

What do you mean?

He was under way too much stress and it got to him, pretty bloody bad.

You opened back up, and he closed off entirely.

Yeah.

That terrified me. It was worse because I knew I'd done the same thing to him in the past. Chaos, I really was scared, I knew I was responsible but I didn't know what to do...

Jewel, how were you responsible?

You hit that point because I hadn't been with you for so long, and because I was a mess when we were. I was a mess, completely.

I'm the one that had the fallout, though. You didn't make me do that.

It still hurt.

Yeah, it did, but it was not intentional on your part, or mine.

Exactly. Stop trying to throw blame on yourself, Jewel.

...I think that's unconscious, actually.

Then get conscious.

Kind of like he did the next morning, right?

Oh no, we are not discussing that here. No.

Laurie, what's this about?

What?

The defensiveness about the 12th. You've been doing this for a while.

Yeah, well I have a bloody good reason to. That's off-limits for discussion. Jewel, move on. What happened on the 13th?

Bad stuff.

...Oh. Oh man, that was when your friends got married, right?

That was on the 12th, actually, but yeah, I didn't start trying to inflict their lives onto mine until the next day.

You have got to stop that nonsense.

I'm working on it. It's almost entirely gone now.

Good. But yeah, now that I remember, the 13th was hell.

What happened on the 13th?

See, now you're interested. You should've been around, then you'd already know.

Laurie, I- I didn't know you needed me around!

What did I say earlier? We all need each other here. Back on topic, Jewel.

All right...

Can I just say that the 12th was awesome?

Chaos, don't you dare.

Well it was.

I want to know what happened on the 12th now.

In your dreams, Jo. Jewel, keep talking, seriously.

I... oh. Oh.

What?

This is the part I don't want to remember. The night of the 12th. I started slipping early.

That's when I showed up, wasn't it.

Yeah. The first time you tried that method.

Well, don't discuss that, then. We've dealt with that.

But the point is why that even happened. I kept thinking I was "doing everything wrong" just because someone else would have acted differently in the same situation. It was my inferiority complex running at dangerously high levels. It's... it's the only reason I still get hacked, even by the tar, at all.

...

Sorry Julie.

...No, I know all about that. I should be the one apologizing.

No more guilt parties, geez. Jewel, are you over that yet?

The feeling like I need to emulate everyone else's lives? Pretty much, why?

Because that one was seriously bloody dangerous. It nearly killed you a few times, and I am not joking at all.

I know.

So you're sure that one's fixed?

Pretty much. But... unfortunately it's making my dysphoria reactions worse.

How?

Now I no longer feel like I need to ignore, suppress, or lie about them because other people don't see them as valid. But that is making the violent desperation come back because it's no longer being locked away.

...Are you serious?

I'm serious. So Lynne was right. This needs to be dealt with. But... let's go back to the 12th. The night, that is. Chaos said something to me then that I need to remember.

What?

"He told me flat-out that I, the REAL me, not the fake one that I sometimes slip into to 'make other people happy,' was not doing anything wrong. I was not doing anything wrong by being honest with myself. The problem was that I was blinding myself to that-- I was falling into regression by putting too much emphasis on outside opinions, and not paying attention to myself, to my own morals and feelings and truths. Put extremely simply, I was not giving myself enough credit, and I still was not accepting that my tried-and-true experiences WERE true and valid and real to me, even if they weren't applicable to anyone else's life."

There you go.

I think I actually believe that now, instead of just knowing it.

Good. I don't want that happening to you again.

I don't either.

So the 13th was fallout from that, am I right?

Basically. I wrote that entry on the 13th, and that's when it all really sunk in. So that was a rough day.

I see.

Jewel are you okay now?

What do you mean?

With everything. From the bad slip you had earlier. Are you better?

I think so? It's tough because of this negative family atmosphere. That makes it very, very easy to slip.

Well there's your challenge. Keep standing strong in spite of that. It'll help, in it's own twisted way.

I guess so.

I know so.

So what's next on the list?

Overthinking will burn a hole in your head.

That's what's next?

No, I just wanted to say that because it's true. Next was a small gap in updates because I was so stressed out I didn't want to be online anymore.

Wait, hold on one second. Genesis, you have not said a word since you walked in.

Hi.

You already said hi.

Then I'll say it again.

Seriously, why the hell aren't you talking?

I'm just listening. I wasn't really involved in a lot of this stuff so I'm not talking.

Wait, how the hell weren't you involved? You're always around Jewel.

Yeah, but he was stressed out and all of this was happening upstairs. With you three! So like Julie I didn't want to butt in. That's all.

Genesis, what did I tell you.

I know, but the point is I'd still be walking in on things and distracting people, and you've told me that before too.

Hey, that's actually one of our current topics.

It is?

Essentially. But we're still stuck in October.

Sorry. So I spent the next several days after the 13th doing spiritual research, from what I remember. Then I wrote the lemniscate poem on the 19th, and on the 24th I had a bit of an 'outside' verification identity-wise, in that I found a group on Tumblr full of aromantics and realized hey, there isn't anything wrong with me there! I feel bad that I needed that in order to be comfortable with myself, but you know what my self-doubt was like at the time.

Yeah, I do.

So that was that, and actually, once I realized the aromantic thing I realized that I no longer had to 'force' myself to try and be traditionally romantic because I feared I was 'doing it wrong.' And because of that, I got back into my Dream World work because I was no longer unconsciously projecting that doubt onto other peoples relationships.

That's you being obtrusive again, and that also needs to stop.

What is this obtrusive thing about?

Dad was taking a quiz and that word kept coming up. It was funny.

We were taking personality tests for the sake of self-honesty and we decided Jewel was too obtrusive.

What does that mean?

It means he imposes himself and his opinions on others, even if it's not really intentional.

That is a problem!

No kidding! Now keep reading the topics.

All right. So the next big day was the 29th, for obvious reasons.

If our readers don't know what that is, I seriously question your loyalty to our updates.

Ouch, the sarcasm.

Seriously, who the heck reads these?

You never know. We could actually have a loyal reader and not even know it.

That would be awesome.

But for those of you who aren't loyal readers, October 29th was the date last year that I attempted suicide.

And then changed your mind.

I had to. I couldn't stop thinking about you, and Chaos. I loved you too much, and you... you already have too many scars because of me. I kept remembering the blood, and...

All right, we get it, kid.

But that's important. That was the ONLY thing keeping me alive. I couldn't die because I had people to live for, and that was it. Speaking of I actually wrote on all your Facebook walls on that day, guys, thanking you for that.

You did?

Yeah, don't you remember?

You guys need to log in once in a while and read that stuff.

I read mine. Thank you, Jewel.

Tell him in a comment, geez, that stuff needs to be written down too.

Doesn't this count?

Don't get clever with me, Lynne, you know what I mean. Be more personal for heaven's sake. Chaos, that goes for you too, ironically.

Ba-dum-tsssh.

What was that?

Rimshot. I figured that deserved one.

Hee hee.

After the 23rd, that deserves a couple of 'em. But really, go thank the kid, because he poured his heart out to all of us there. Me included. Thanks, by the way.

Be more personal, Laurie.

Come on, man, I'm not doing that here. Next topic.

I'm sensing more defensiveness!

Hey, shove off, that's none of your business.

Laurie, you do need to open up more.

Not now.

You said that last time, dear.

Maybe I did. Still not the right time, or place. Jewel, get me out of this conversation already.

Haha, sure thing. Oh, did I mention that it snowed on the 29th? I think that's the only major snowfall we've had so far this winter, too.

Yeah, that was gorgeous. We all stood around in that, didn't we?

It was freezing, but it was more than worth it.

No kidding.

That was my first time seeing snow!

That too. What are the odds, right?

Pretty high, with us.

It was so pretty too. It was... I wanted to watch it snow forever.

I think we all did. Chaos, were you sitting on the car or am I imagining things?

Nope, I was on the car.

I was over by the other one!

That you were. Oh, guys?

Yeah?

No, all you guys.

What is it?

I need to take that hour-long church break right about now, actually. You readers won't be affected by it, but there's going to be a bit of a gap for us.

Fine by me. What topic do we pick up on, then?

October 31st. That's when things started moving very quickly in a better direction, as a whole.

That's when Xenophon started to sing.

Really?

Yeah, really, that was beautiful.

Sonic Generations hype, too.

Man, you're right, that is when things started looking up. All right, Jewel, when you get back, start that topic immediately.

Aaand I'm back. Time shenanigans ahoy.

Always. So start talking, kid.

Will do. On October 31st, I started recovering from the stress of that month, so Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon and I were reviewing my entries from the past few years and listening to music because really, we have come a long way.

You two kept singing, though.

We did! I just get moved by music really easily.

And then Xenophon asked us just how important music was to us.

So I told her that it communicated things simple words never could, and that I just feel a connection to sound as a medium, and she seemed really inspired...

And then you played that Klonoa song for me!

We did. I named you after that song, just a little.

Lephise, right dad?

Yeah. The 'songstress of rebirth.' And... well, you started singing along. It was beautiful.

It was.

Well you did say it was my song, dad. I had to sing it for you.

I told you what that meant, though, didn't I?

Yeah. That it was about bringing the world back from nightmares and dead things.

Which is kind of what has happened to me over the past year. And it made me realize just how important you are, to me and maybe to more people than I realize.

What do you mean?

You just... you personify infinite hope, almost. Second chances and new beginnings. The connecting part between cycles, between death and life. You were an impossibility, you showed up in the face of absolute terror and fear, and yet here you are, shining as brightly as the stars. You're beautiful, kid. And you just feel like something incredibly important, in a big sense.

Well geez, so do you and Chaos. I told you, this is bigger than any of us realize, and I know it.

You sure?

Sure I'm sure. Just watch. This will all play out for something greater than we can comprehend. The way our lives have been going so far, I have no doubt. Now you mentioned Sonic Generations?

Oh yeah, that's the other half of this, and...

Was that the conversation we had about him?

You two talked about me?

Yeah, remember? When he got to his music class early, we just kinda sat in the dark and talked about you because you're awesome. And because of Sonic Generations, of course. Jewel, you were really freaking out over that!

I didn't want to fight him is why, Genesis. I love him with my entire heart and I was still going to have to fight him, if only in a game environment. Remember when I got Sonic Battle, Chaos? Sure, we turned that into our equivalent of your brawling matches with Markus, but at first I nearly refused to face you for the same reason. Back then! So yeah, seven years later that got pretty bad.

Those are brawling matches, aren't they?

Heck yeah, you always beat the living daylights out of my Emerl, man.

If it's Strawberry, he deserves it for not letting me sleep back in 2004!

Haha, no kidding!

And I have no idea what the heck this was.

Me neither, that was before both of us showed up.

Man, that feels like forever ago.

Back on topic?

Yeah. You know what this was about, don't you.

I do.

Wait, actually, something happened on the 3rd besides that.

We'll get to that. Chaos first.

You sure? Because it ties into the morning.

Does it? Well go ahead, then.

...On November 3rd, all the pain from October 13th hit me again. You know, the feeling that I had to live exactly like other people in order to succeed in life, or even 'do it right,' at all.

Especially Melody.

Yeah. Long story short, it was religiously motivated, but I got this complex that unless I almost literally copied her life, I would be marked as condemnable somehow. I've abandoned that train of thought now, thankfully, but for a long time it was the biggest reason why I kept falling into hacks. Hey, you guys listening?

Yeah.

We're listening, you're just... obviously having a hard time talking about this. So we don't want to interrupt.

Okay. Thanks, actually.

No problem, Jewel. Just remember we're here for you too.

I know. So... with all that stress on me, making me so fragile, and with the SG situation too, my heart was a mess. This was the first time Chaos had appeared in a game in a long time, and it was happening almost exactly a year after I literally almost died. I... oh man, I seriously wrote that?

What?

In Scribbld, when I was talking about having to face you... "I'm not scared, but I'm anxious. I know it's going to hurt."

Oh ho ho, wow . Synchronicity all up in here.

That's... incredible, really.

Yeah, talk about a parallel. Geez.

With what?

The 23rd.

Oh, I understand. Well, these things do seem to happen for you two quite often.

They sure as hell do. But Jewel, talk about what you actually said to Genesis. That's important, with what you just said about Xenophon.

It is. Well... first off, it reminded me of our 4th incident, again. Go figure.

We just mentioned that too, didn't we.

We did. But somehow I ended bringing up our 'cosmically inseparable' point, and... with all the non-coincidences that surrounded your Generations appearance, it made me realize just how incredible our relationship is, and how so many things in my life seemed to foreshadow you somehow. Little things, big things. And when I met you I was drawn to you completely and without explanation. It... it felt like I had known you forever. I told Genesis that, that it felt like you and I transcended linear time somehow. It felt like I had loved you forever, and when I met you, I just had to remember what that felt like.

...

I love that.

Can I... can I just link that entry, actually?

Sure.

Okay, here . Because that talks about all the stress of my own perfectionist issues too, and... oh, Laurie, that morning we had that fight, remember?

...Yeah.

Who was there for that?

Just our inner group. Please, just... don't talk about that one either. Not here.

Why? Laurie, you really do need to talk about this...

Listen, Lynne, I was not doing well that morning. I don't want to bring it up. End of story.

All right, if you insist.

Laurie, should we move on?

Sure, go ahead.

All right. After the 3rd I had a creativity problem, where I felt like I couldn't communicate what I wanted to, at all. I kind of solved that on the 6th, when I realized I was once again just trying too hard, and I also realized the 'butterfly' thing? That I tend to be a little bit too free, with not staying in one place for too long.

Explain?

It's my old 'running' principle.

Oh, yeah. I remember that. You move on too bloody fast.

It was bothering me, because I meet people, leave them for a long time without warning, and then one day come back, and act like I never left at all, or like there wasn't even a time gap between me leaving and coming back. I think I solve a problem but I'm not solving it all the way through, and it keeps coming back to haunt me. Things like that. I think I really need to ground more, maybe?

That could help. But really, that also ties into your not wanting to be attached to anything. So you just don't stick around long enough for that to happen.

Maybe. I don't know, I think I have that figured out? In any case I don't want to get off track discussing that right now, as it's not a big problem, or at least I hope it's not.

It could become one. We'll discuss it later. Next?

Next is the fact that I fought Perfect Chaos that same day, and somehow that actually brought my creativity back?

Catharsis block, maybe?

Maybe.

Yeah, he was worried way too much about fighting me there.

I was. But then on the 6th, maybe thanks to that too, I had a huge realization.

Which one was that?

The 'orange' one, and what that really meant.

Spectrum-wise?

Partly. You know, orange and pink and how they kept getting misinterpreted, that whole thing.

Yeah, that one was huge. Did we ever discuss that here?

Nope.

Should we?

I don't know, I'm a little tired of always bringing up that topic here.

Then we won't, no problem.

But was it important?

Yeah, it was important, but it was a fact, not something we have to debate.

Oh, all right. And Jewel, you didn't forget it?

Nope. It's still helping me fight off hacks and keep my head on straight concerning that whole jumble of related topics. So that was groundbreaking, really. It erased a great deal of my fear and it motivated me enough to get back into writing music almost immediately afterwards.

For the League, right?

You bet. Starting off slow, but starting nevertheless.

Where are we now, on the timeline?

Uh... actually, wait, maybe we should have a separate session about the orange thing?

Why's that?

In the entry from the 7th-- which is where we are by the way-- I said, "today's revelation has given me some seriously significant insights into Laurie, Chaos, Xenophon, and Julie's roles up here." Then I said it was really complicated, and Julie was far more important than we could ever have realized before.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Makes sense. We can discuss that in 2012, then. Keep going, time's running out for this year.

It is! Okay, next up is the big triple 11. I clearly remember that nothing huge happened on that day, except for me being once again reminded, strongly, that life is not in black and white.

The 11th was a big door-opening day, though. You know what happened later that week.

I do. And that's what we've been leading up to for the past few hours!

Is that the next entry?

Yep, the tar and glass. That was actually the next day, Laurie.

Well geez, that whole week was incredible then. Should we just link this one?

Yeah, but I want to summarize it too. So here's the full entry on that evening, but as for what happened... well, we figured out what the real 'shadow' is up here. It's not Julie, and it never was.

It's that damned tar thing.

It used all of us.

It did.

What does that thing look like, by the way?

Pitch-black, huge, eldritch tar thing, basically. It's horrific. Scared the hell out of me, actually, which should tell you enough about it.

Seriously?

Seriously. Damn thing wouldn't die, either. Apparently you can't kill it, or that defeats the purpose of it even living in the first place. Paradoxes as usual. Leon, you saw that bloody thing, didn't you?

...Yeah, just barely.

Scary stuff, am I right?

...Mm-hm.

Leon, you were there?

Jewel called me over to warp them out. I don't know where they were or what they were doing, but... it didn't look good.

It wasn't good. Damn thing attacked me and tried to get Chaos before Jewel decided 'heck with it, let's get out of here.'

Because I had been talking to it beforehand. It just... showed up, out of nowhere. I told it to be quiet, and then I was in that huge empty room, and... I don't know, it's weird. It's definitely working for the side I would once have considered 'black,' but now that I can see that there's a greater purpose to everything, that is crystal clear even in it, the tar thing. It knew it was acting as a dark balance to our light, and it meant to live up to that. So yeah, it's going to be vicious, but strangely it is nowhere near as vicious as it used to be? Julie, you know what I mean.

...Why is that? Why isn't it so dark now?

I have no idea

I think maybe it just changed its methods? The old traumatic stuff is over with now, thank God. Now I guess it's working differently. Who knows? I think it's actually being more secretive now, more insinuating. Which is just as dangerous, actually, if not more so. It's not direct and merciless, it's indirect and strangely still merciless.

At least it's not screwing around with you like it used to.

Me or Julie or Genesis, yeah. I guess I just got wiser. I just can't forget the one day Julie went berserk with it and attacked all of us. Leon, that was the first time you ever teleported us, wasn't it?

...Yeah. That was terrifying.

No kidding.

See, this is the stuff I don't want to remember.

No one's telling you to remember it. You, as you are, you're not at fault for that. You were being used just like Jewel was. Get over it, Julie, you're fine now.

...I'm working on it.

So, Jewel. Then you got swords.

I did! Chaos and I somehow ended up with light swords after Leon got us out of there. I deduced that if it really was the 'ego' presence up here, then fighting it would only strengthen it. We had to let go of it and live in love and just let it do what it wanted, without attacking or defending. We just had to let it be, really.

And meditate. If anything's going to 'kill' it, that will.

Maybe, yeah.

It will. But go on.

So Leon warped us out and for some reason Chaos had two swords with him when we did, and he gave one to me, and it was exactly what I had been told at the expo, haha.

No context for that, huh?

No, that would take far too long, and it's explained in the actual entry. But yes, then I stuck it in my chest because I can do that in headspace, which is also something I failed to mention here. But hearts, man. There's a lot of stuff to do with those up here.

Kid, with your entire bloody existence I think that's a little obvious.

Maybe! So that was the tar and glass incident...

Wait, why glass?

I think because of the swords. They were made of crystal, and turned to light when I picked mine up. But we were also in a cathedral, which always makes me think of glass for symbolic reasons, and... it was probably just symbolic. Like me and then the ego, except in reverse order. Sorry. You get what I mean.

I do, thanks.

Then Natalie came back, didn't he.

He did. Speaking of, Nat, you have been dead quiet too.

Just listening. Genesis may not have been involved but I was still dead when all that happened.

Kid has a point.

He does.

How did Natalie come back, by the way?

Total mirror disassociation. Bad dysphoria paved the way for freaky stuff up here, yet again.

Wait, how does that work?

Dysphoria causes very negative situations, which usually causes bad fallout on your part, which forces you to try and fix things, which usually works out pretty well, and sooner or later freaky stuff results from it all. Case in point, Natalie resurrecting.

Huh. I suppose so.

My color changed, by the way. And Vincent stayed dead, in a sense.

Yeah, Nat's now green because Leon stole his color.

I didn't steal it!

I'm kidding, geez, you need to calm down. And didn't you say Vincent's energy was just a splinter of yours or something?

Yeah. So now it's just me, which is fine. What's not fine is what you've been putting me through since I came back.

I'm concerned about that too. Jewel, talk about his return.

All right. I started lapsing extremely badly on November 18th, thanks to a massive dysphoria surge, and it scared Laurie half to death. Thanatos feelings kicked in hard, and it felt like my life up until now had been scratched like an old CD, like I had been indelibly ruined, and needed to be stopped and fixed and started over. Heck, even burn a whole new disc. But then why wasn't this new attempt turning out as well as we had all hoped it would? Why was everything still skipping, looping, mangled? Things were really, really dark for me then. I couldn't figure out why I was still suffering, and I fell really far, and then I realized that was supposed to happen, if only to bring you back, Natalie. And for that I am sorry.

For what?

For allowing your resurrection to happen at such a horrible time. I mean, it wasn't planned whatsoever, we didn't even think that was possible... but look at Xenophon, this stuff happens when it's supposed to whether we think we're ready for it or not. So you came back during an extremely rough time and you suffered for it and I am sorry. I never meant for you to go through any of that.

...You still could have done something about it.

Nat, stop. Jewel, talk about the details.

Why stop? This is important! We haven't discussed this, this is my first time talking to you people like this, and I want to figure out why that was still such a problem-- and is-- if we really have come as far as you're saying we have.

Because we still have a hell of a long way to go and obviously this discussion needs to keep happening right now, because whatever lesson Jewel needs to learn from it, he hasn't fully accepted yet. Jewel, the 18th, please.

I was given a very dark challenge to test my light against, is what this is. My light is brighter than ever, but it's no good if I don't refine it. But the old shadows are too weak to stand up to me now. The brighter I shine, the darker the shadows are that I have to face. Laurie, you've told me that several times over the past month, and so have several other people.

Because it's the truth.

I know. I just want Natalie to at least realize that, because I don't want him suffering.

I've already suffered whether or not that's true.

...All right, we really need to finish this recap. The 22nd of November was when I finally talked about Natalie coming back. I... wait, no. No, I had been keeping that a secret.

Yeah, no kidding.

What?

Natalie. Nathaniel, at first, before we started using his old name again. I... prior to the 18th, for like two weeks or more, Nat had slowly started talking to me again.

What? Seriously?

Yeah. I had been picking up on spirits or something during that time, and I chased out a bad one shortly before that, but... as my dysphoria slowly got worse, the more I started disconnecting from mirrors, and as it hasn't been this severe since, geez, late 2007?

Nat did resurrect briefly in 2009, though. As a kid.

Because he had to 'reset' after... after Julie killed him.

Sorry..

We know, love. We've been over this already.

You're the one who needs to apologize now.

Nat, shut it for a second. Jewel, get back to where you were. You didn't tell any of us that Natalie was talking to you before he resurrect-- well, obviously after he resurrected, but before he reformed. Why the heck not?

I wanted to make sure it was him, and I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to die again, for one reason or another. Then, like I said, my dysphoria hit a near-lethal spike... I mean really, I was picking up knives and I haven't done that since the psych ward! It was terrifying. So that made me let go of mirrors completely, and that was the final step in giving Nat enough of a base to reform from.

Wish I didn't.

Nat, just stop. What the hell caused this? I thought you had dropped this attitude!

I tried! But Jewel keeps picking up his old habits again and again too, so I'm sick and tired right about now!

He's trying. And you were fine when you reformed. What caused this attitude in the first place?

We were co-fronting, remember? You had me in every single mirror he walked by. Then one night he got hacked and I had no idea what to do and it scared me to death. He started hiding from mirrors because he didn't want to get at me and that defeated the purpose of me being there at all. And I realized that whatever was hurting him was what had killed me in the past, twice , and it ticked me off. Bad.

That damned tar-thing didn't kill you the second time.

You can't say it didn't. I couldn't solidify. I faded out, and why? Because Jewel was a mess and couldn't keep me stable. Lynne wasn't doing to well at that time either, if I remember correctly.

2009 was a tough year for all of us, Natalie.

Yeah, be glad you weren't up here last year. Jo, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Mm-hmm.

So I was dead for two years and none of this is fixed? Explain this to me. That's why I'm mad.

Have you been paying any bloody attention? Julie is right there . She's on OUR side. Do you have any idea how much hell Jewel put himself through to get her here, to get to this point? We have solved a whole mountain of problems, the issue here is that they've been replaced by new ones! You can't expect this place to be a fluffy utopia, Natalie, that would defeat the purpose of us . We're the light here, and we need shadows to shine at all. Jewel, Chaos, tell him about that, will you?

What in the world can we say?

You know what? You can say a hell of a lot. Nat, didn't you hear what Jewel said about Xenophon earlier? With cycles and all that?

What about it?

She is Jewel and Chaos' kid, for the love of love itself. She's a being of rebirth up here, and you can't have rebirth without bloody dying first. You know about October 29th, right?

I know what I've heard.

Jewel lost a lot around that time last year, and that is the understatement of the bloody millennium. He almost lost me. We went through some crushing grief and emotional agony. We almost lost all hope, we bled more than we could take, and that kid almost committed suicide, do you realize how bloody serious that is?!

All right, all right, I get the point! How does this tie into the fact that we're still facing so much trouble now? If that almost killed him, you, me, and who knows who else, why isn't he over this yet?

It's not something you can just flip a switch and get over, Nat. It's not.

I wish it was though.

But it's not. So you're still fighting, and the kid's not perfect, and frankly I don't want him to be. Listen, Natalie, if you don't want to deal with pain then I'm sorry but you're going to have to pack up and leave. Pain happens up here, it's almost mandatory at this point. But it's what we learn from. It's the biggest reason why we've been able to get this far. It opened our eyes when we thought we couldn't even see anymore. Do you get it now? Jewel doesn't want you to hurt, and you shouldn't hold it against him, because it's not his fault. We're all hurting up here, but there's something we're going to learn from this once we conquer it. And I promise you we're trying to conquer it as soon as we can because I am sick of this dysphoria struggle too, but we can't solve that alone. So I'm sorry about the mirrors, Jewel's sorry about the mirrors, we're all sorry about the bloody mirrors and the co-fronting and all that but God knows we were doing our best, and you can't hold it against us for not knowing all the bloody answers before we decided to give it a shot. Capiche? Chill the heck out, stop being so ticked off about everything, and let us get on with this conversation.

...

That get through to you?

Yeah. Fine. I'll have to think about it.

Then do so. Jewel, I do believe we were discussing November 22nd.

Oh, oh yeah. Sorry.

No need to apologize kid, I stole your thunder there for a minute. Pun intended. Go on.

All right. So Natalie came back, during a dark time, but he's been a huge light to us since then. Him showing up, and getting mad at me too, was such a massive source of motivation to me that I was almost impervious to hacks for quite some time. Unfortunately that didn't last forever. Wait, I got Spine to co-front with us too for a while, didn't I?

Yes. I am still fronting with you as much as I can.

Thanks for that, by the way.

You're welcome.

So... honestly the mirror thing, with Nat, wasn't a good way to keep out dysphoria. It was more of a way to prevent hacks, but ironically it made their triggers worse. I was dead sick of it by the 22nd already, obviously, and that night I made up my mind to do whatever I could to solve it, somehow. That was the color-role thing, Laurie, with me trying to 'stabilize' our warmer colors, those more tied to physical attributes, because with the abuse lapses, they really felt like they were a mess. That also made me consider the headvoice spectrum theory which I do want to discuss once we're caught up here.

What's this?

Some really interesting mechanic he's thinking about. But yeah, we'll talk about it. Are we at December yet?

Uh... almost. Give me a minute to review this time period.

...

You all right?

...I guess.

...Do you mind if I keep talking?

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Good to hear. Xenophon, you're not saying anything either.

I'm just a little tired is all.

You going to be okay?

Yeah. I'm listening.

Geez, everyone is just listening.

Well you and Jewel are the only ones who seem to know what we're talking about here.

True...

And me, but I just let Laurie hog the spotlight. She owns this house after all.

Don't, no injokes, not at this hour. Jewel, get us back on topic.

All right, there was an entry on the 30th where I mentioned putting up the Christmas tree with Xenophon, because she's been ghosting almost every day now, for several hours at a time.

I remember that! That was awesome! We were putting little icicles everywhere.

That we were! You were so excited, it was adorable.

Well daaad, it was my first time even seeing a Christmas tree, of course I was excited. And then I got to spend time with you!

You did. I'm telling you, that is helping me so much lately, it's beautiful. And Laurie, now we're in December, timeline wise. That's when I was dealing with finals, and it's when Natalie first started to get as angry with me as he is now.

Hm. What do you have written?

Uh... he said that "he didn't want to have come back to life only to see me suffering from the same thing that killed him." I think you two just discussed that.

We did.

I also have that he calmed down after that, but I guess now it's picked up again?

Because of today! You're taking this really badly! It's kind of scaring me how, whenever I think things will be okay for a while, something like this happens.

Hey, he didn't get hacked, he didn't even have any bloody triggers.

Yeah, well I heard he's been getting 'dream hacks' again lately and those don't sound good at all.

...

We're trying to stop those. They aren't his fault.

Yeah, well, they're still scaring me. And I know we had a few near hacks this week, I've been trying to get back into the mirrors when I can. Apparently it's dangerous now though.

It's always dangerous. And you don't have to do that anymore if you don't want to, I have Menchou guarding me now when it gets bad. It's a little easier and it keeps you from getting involved in traumatic situations if they come up.

'If they come up.' That's all my worries in a nutshell.

Join the club.

And you're saying I just have to deal with this? That things are going to be rough but sometimes they'll be good to and now I just have to bite the bullet and wait for the sun to shine?

No one is going to be biting any bullets around here, not after what's happened to Jewel about that. Listen, Nat. If you're that angry then come talk to me or Lynne or someone about it, seriously. Stop festering in rage like this, we don't want any attribute flips happening, that would not end well.

Attribute flips?

I'm sure they're possible. They've happened to our benefit a few times. Leon? Julie? I do believe you're living examples.

...

Leon?

Originally held the paranoid gambler influence up here. Remember that mess?

Vaguely, I guess.

He personified in 2010 when it got bad. I got pissed, killed him. He came back that winter and we decided to give him another chance. He got his act together and here he is, wha-la. Julie's a whole 'nother story, I daresay you know all about that miracle.

As well as I can, I guess. Not all of it.

Well we'll fill you in later, why the hell not. As of now, Jewel, we are still trying to finish this monolith of a recap.

That might be tricky. The 8th was also the static incident.

I thought we solved that.

As well as we could.

Static incident?

Yeah, what is that?

Something bad that I refuse to talk about outside of vague terminology. Ironically it's a massive hack-blocker, but at the same time it was deeply unsettling and kind of traumatic? I think it's also playing into my current dysphoria resurgence.

Could be, from what I know of it. Which isn't much, surprisingly, as you refuse to tell anyone about it. Chaos, did he tell you about this?

He told me about it!

What, in detail?

No, he didn't want me to know either.

Same here. I don't know what it is, except that it involved--

No details, not here. That's not to be discussed. It's not a topic for discussion, it's just in the back of my head and making me really creeped out every once in a while. But it's actually not a problem, nor is it causing any triggers, I guess.

You guess.

Well, it's bad because it involves an absolute ton of triggers. That's why it was traumatic. My mind honestly went into a sort of mild shock state after that happened, for a few days.

And that's blocking hacks?

It doesn't want to be reminded. I don't either.

Huh. Makes sense.

You're sure it's not hurting you, though?

Not directly. It's hard to explain. Can we talk about this later, please? There are other things I'd much rather discuss.

Sure, move on then.

Laurie, are you sure?

Yeah. He and I have already touched upon this topic a few times in previous conversations. I think we're good for now. What's next, kid?

The 9th. It snowed two days prior to that.

Oh, I remember that.

You should. That was gorgeous.

It was.

Was that when you two ghosted?

Yeah.

That melted fast though.

Unfortunately, but in a way it made that morning all the more beautiful.

Death and life, huh?

Absolutely. And... I think that was one of the big motivating experiences for the 23rd.

Why.

Let me quote myself. "In that moment I wanted so badly for us to actually be there together. I didn't care that I had classes in the morning. I loved him so much, in those frozen moments, that I wanted to get lost in him right then and there. The snow felt like my heart and everything was just as beautiful as he was."

Yeah, that was definitely a motivation for that. What is it with you and words?

What?

You and words. When you get all poetic like that. It's gorgeous.

Thank you. I don't know, though. It just happens. It's just the truth.

Not his native language, though.

Oh, you would know.

Laurie, I thought you banned him from flirting.

To hell with the rules, kid, we're all breakers up here. So that was... when?

The snow was on the 7th. On the 9th, we brought Xennie into our Rock Band escapades.

Hee!

Heck yeah, that was brilliant. Kid, that bass guitar is bigger than you are.

Not really!

Haha.

Yeah, we have fun on that game.

We really do, it's great.

Oh! Dude! Guess what else happened on the 9th?

What?

The lights!

The red lights? Nice.

What red lights?

It's complicated and symbolic. Basically I discovered that, when I am around red light and nothing else-- in total darkness-- I somehow feel and look like myself, appearances notwithstanding.

Which is somewhat paradoxical, but that's you in a nutshell, boy.

I am an anomaly, yeah.

You're the glorious exception to the rule.

Curious on the use of the word 'glorious' there?

Past session, Laur. Jewel and I were referencing the original 23rd.

Ah. Nice one then.

Thanks.

Reminds me of the night my garnets started working, huh?

Yeah, hey, it does! When was that?

Uh, July 23rd, believe it or not.

Dude. You're kidding.

Not in the slightest!

Well Laurie, look at that.

I'm looking, guys, I'm looking.

Dad, when are mine going to work?

No idea, love. But they'll activate for you at the exact right time, no sooner and no later. I mean really, it took me how long to get mine working?

That depends. We counting up from your Ambassador initiation?

Yeah, why not.

Thirteen years, then.

Thirteen years!! Dad I don't want to wait that long!

Haha, you won't, I promise. You started life farther along down the right road than I did.

What do you mean?

I mean you were born at a time when both Chaos and I were secure enough in our own lives to teach you correctly. And then of course you had Lynne and Laurie and even Nebisai, seriously kid, you've been getting nothing but purely compassionate help since you were born.

Except for me.

Julie, that doesn't count. And that incident did prove to be very important, positively so, just so you know.

If you insist.

It did. And now you do have the opportunity to make up for that, so it's okay.

I don't hold it against you Julie. You know I don't.

I never said you did.

Yeah but I just thought I would tell you, just in case.

Hm. Thanks.

No problem. Dad?

Yeah?

Not you! My other dad!

Well geez, you keep talking to him, I think I'd like you to talk to me once in a while.

...But we're talking about Power Jewels and things and you didn't speak up.

I'm kidding, Xennie.

Oh. Sorry!

It's fine! Keep talking to J, that's fine by me too.

Haha.

You three are brilliant.

So I've gathered. But yeah, love, they'll work for you right when they need to. So don't you worry about it. You're on the right track, I promise.

Okay dad.



(CLICK FOR PART TWO)


prismaticbleed: (czj)

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE




Jewel, get in here right now before I drag you over.

Laurie, for sanity's sake it is ten minutes to tomorrow.

Yeah, no kidding. That's kind of why I'm here. We need to talk.

I can't start a session this late, it's--

I don't care. We could say three more sentences and sign the heck off for all I care. But we need to talk about this right now and I'd be failing all of you if I didn't at least try to get this down.

...Is this happening right now?

What, the session? It sure is, now get in here.

Laurie, I can't.

Don't give me that. Yes you can. Stop closing off and talk.

...

Laurie, don't hurt him, please.

If he'd open up for once and discuss this we wouldn't have to worry about anyone hurting, now would we?

...Laurie, please, what do you want to talk about.

He's close to burnout already, Laur, don't put him through this at this hour--

Are you freaking kidding me?! And just what the heck do you think he'd do to himself at this same hour tomorrow night? I'm not going to burn anyone out. He's driving himself to that point and that is why we're here. Jewel, talk, and stop screwing up my channel.

I'm trying not to.

You feel freaking dead and I am not happy with this.

...Dad?

...Geez, Xenophon, you should not be in here right now.

You're talking about my dad and you're angry and I want to help. Please.

No, listen, that's not it. Your dad is three bloody seconds away from total psychic exhaustion and I don't want him falling apart on us.

...Am I going to make him fall apart?

I don't know. All I know is that you're new to this channeling business and I don't want him under any more undue stress at this point. Listen, Xennie, we'll fill you in on this tomorrow.

I want to help. Dad's been talking to me about this and he is so sad I don't want to leave him alone.

I know you don't, but--

Xenophon, your dad is not doing well, and... and we all want to help, but I don't know if he can handle having you in here right now.

He's not talking. J, are you still with us or what?

I'm still here. I can't talk though.

The heck do you mean, you can't talk?

It's a huge effort. I'm getting detached from how much there is to handle.

Man, this is not cool at all. Xenophon, I'm sorry, but there is no way you can be here at this hour, with your father in this condition. Please, let us handle this.

...

Xenophon, I'll be okay.

I don't know dad, I don't think you will be.

Kid, we'll make him okay if it's the last thing we do.

No, he doesn't look okay. He doesn't look okay or feel okay and neither do you or my other dad.

He's not going to be okay channeling three freaking people at once, please.

...All right I'll go. But I'm not okay either. Please do something about this Laurie, I am so worried...

I know you are kid, I know. We all are. Just get some sleep for heavens sake, tomorrow is going to be one heck of a day for all of us.

...Okay. Dad, I love you, but please be careful.

...

Man, this is not good.

You'd better help him Laurie, if I can't.

Cross my heart, Xenophon, I'll do everything I possibly can.

Okay. ...Good night.

God help me, I am so freaking stressed out over this. Jewel, can you talk yet?

I'm not sure.

Laurie, how do we start this, please.

Give me a second, geez. Jewel, you are aware that we've been talking to Mel about this for the past two hours? We're all freaking the heck out about you.

Why?

Why?? Because you're bloody burning yourself out, for heaven's sake!! Can't you even tell??

Yes.

Then why the heck aren't you doing something about it.

I don't know.

Listen, Laurie, let me say something to him.

Like what? Chaos, I'm afraid you're going to knock him into overtime and I can't exactly take that right now.

Overt-? Laurie, he's barely even conscious right now.

That's my point. This is a catharsis close-off and I am honestly panicking.

...I don't want to break through it, but--

Don't. That would do more harm than good right now. Jewel, talk to me, before I have to slap some sense into you. If you can't tell, you are slipping into dangerous territory right now.

Give me a second.

Fine, fine. Geez I don't know what to do.

...Laurie, are you shaking?

Ssh.

All right, I'm back.

No you're bloody not. You're still detached and running on autopilot. Get the heck in here.

...

Jewel, please.

Throw something at me, Laurie. Knock me out of this.

Mel says you might not be able to connect tomorrow. How's that?

I have to.

No you bloody don't.

It's eight years. It's been far too long and I'm missing something. I have to.

Hold on. 'Missing something?' Like what?

I don't... him. I'm missing him, like a puzzle piece. That's the wrong metaphor. Didn't I already say this somewhere?

Jewel, please, what do we do?

You calm the heck down is what you do. Listen, Jewel. You are not in any condition to connect with anyone, on any level. You hear me?

Laurie, I have to.

Why the heck do you have to? Even in this state? There's gotta be a deeper motivation for this.

I love him. You know that. And I'm closing up or something and that scares me.

God knows what I'd give for you to go into bleeding poet mode right about now. No barriers.

I can't.

Yeah, I figured as much.

Jewel, I can't get through to you like this. Even if you tried to be with me tomorrow we wouldn't get anywhere in this state.

...

He has a point.

I don't remember how to take these walls down.

They're protective walls this time, Jewel. You're not going to remember. Your subconscious is trying to keep you from burning the heck out even if it means blocking you out from everything. God knows you won't do that yourself.

I can't. Laurie I can't do this, I can't be closed off.

Yeah, well, apparently you need to be.

...Do you think this is a low point? Like in that book?

What book?

The Power of Now. I think. It said something about low points being needed. Cycles. You need shadow to appreciate the light and vice versa. But Laurie, I haven't connected with Chaos in months, God only knows how much my heart misses him, I don't know what to do. And tomorrow... today, today, was supposed to be the day I finally fixed that. I don't know. I was so terrified of messing it up now look at me. But I can't go without that, I can't bottle this up, I'll explode, I'll die, some part of me will. I don't know.

Jewel, holy flaming swords. You need to pull yourself together.

How?

I-- I don't know. I really don't. I'm at a loss.

Maybe we should refer back to what Mel said...

Chaos, you too. Pull yourself together. All right, give me a second.

What did Mel tell you?

I said give me a second. Geez.

Scroll down, scroll down.

I am, geez. Wait, what the blood, they talked to Xenophon?

Yeah, for a little while.

Geez. ...Now I feel really bad about chasing the kid out of here. She was probably just as desperate as we are.

No kidding?

...Confound it all. I owe that kid one heck of an apology. But the point still stands, her dad is teetering on the edge of psychic exhaustion and we couldn't exactly have her in here whether we liked it or not. Okay, back on topic. Looks like she's saying we need a break here come hell or high water.

She suggested meditation or something. Just to clear our heads.

Yeah, you're not doing too bloody well either.

Tell me about it.

No, you tell me. What brought this on? Is this empathy or is that just making it worse?

That's... making it worse, really. I'm heartbroken over this too. I miss him whether I've said anything or not.

Well heck. Then it's all mutual.

...

...This is a dilemma. Jewel, listen. There's a lot of serious pain in here right now and that's not good. Problem is it all ties back to you. If you don't chill out then none of us are going to be able to. Capiche?

I think.

It's elementary, buddy, we all pick up what you hand out. You're the one holding Catharsis up here. You're a literal amplifier. You're in pain right now so bam, so are the rest of us.

I know.

There we go. So what are you going to do about that?

I need to stop hurting this much. But there's only one option I can think of to fix it, and I'm terrified.

Being with Chaos, huh.

Basically.

I don't want to hurt him.

How the heck would you hurt him?

I don't know. But I don't want to.

Geez, you're sounding just like him. Chaos, listen. You won't hurt him.

Chaos, I love you. You couldn't hurt me if you tried.

...

Wow, that was a shot to the heart if I've ever seen one.

It's true.

Jewel, I cannot take this.

Chaos, calm down. Jewel, we're apparently fluctuating wildly between full barriers and nothing at all. The heck is going on?

I'm trying to open up but it's difficult. What did Mel suggest?

Sheesh, I don't know, there were a couple things... uh... suggest what? What are you asking for?

Laurie I am at a standstill. One one hand, I am closing off so I don't collapse. On the other hand, I am burning up and I don't want any walls up at all. I'm starting to stabilize but it is really weird because I am exhausted no matter what. So... what do you think.

What do you want?

I... I want to be with him is all, I guess. I'm trying not to focus on that but every little thing is just pushing me over the edge and God help me, I don't want to burn out but I can't go suppressing this anymore.

That's what I was afraid of, yeah... but Mel was afraid of the same thing you were. Burning out.

In the middle of it?

Essentially.

I wish I wasn't so freaking hard to handle. I really do.

Chaos, this is not your fault.

Yeah, Laurie, in a way it really is! All my life this empathy of mine has done nothing but cause me pain and grief. It made my childhood a nonstop battle between one extreme and another. And you all know what happened when I got pushed to the breaking point. I'm volatile as hell and Jewel picks up on every single iota of that, and THAT is why he is freaking out over tomorrow. Mel knows that just as well as you do. We all know it.

...

Chaos, this isn't your fault--

Jewel, did you hear a word of what I just said??

Yes. But that's not it.

Then what is?

...

Guys, let me post what Mel said about you. "Despite what he wants, he is completely unable to handle that type of connection until he can recover from the strain he's been under. He knows this, at least part of him does, but his selfless nature will not let him just go without trying, because he loves you so dearly. But part of him also knows that if he tries and breaks down, he'll end up hurting you, since you pick up on everything. He doesn't know how to proceed from here, so he's scared stiff."

Sounds like my fault to me.

I'm the one amplifying it. I'm the one who's so burnt-out exhausted he can't even split realities without forgetting where he is.

Jewel, Chaos, stop it. Just freakin' stop it. Stop with the martyr complexes and just give mea bloody second. The point is that yeah, Jewel is seriously exhausted and yeah, Chaos, you do feel things seriously strongly. But that's no reason to go throwing blame around!!

I think we both want this to happen more than anything but we're afraid it can't, so we're blaming ourselves for it...

And you're both responsible for that worry, I won't deny that, but it's not a bloody blameworthy thing. It's not. Jewel, you're terrified of not being able to carry this through because of how much you're already under. Right?

Yeah. I don't want to not be able to see or feel anything, or not be able to even hold a reality split.

Exactly. And Chaos, you're afraid that you'll make that worse.

I am making that worse.

Not your fault though. This isn't about blame. This is about all of us trying way too freaking hard.

So what do we do?

I don't know. Mel suggests you not try to force this to happen tomorrow, so no one burns out or freaks out or whatever. But both of you seem to be having a problem with that now.

I want to try anyway.

There's that hope again.

I don't care. Hope is hope and I'm not giving up on this.

Watch your attitude, and remember what I told you about altruism moderation?

Yeah, but this is important.

I didn't say it wasn't. But think of how much August 16th hurt.

...

Laurie, do not bring that up.

I'm bringing it up. I remember hearing about that. You both hit absolute emotional high points and I think you did manage to connect entirely, but at what cost? Jewel could barely hold himself together and Chaos, you freaking fell apart emotionally.

Can you really blame me?

I said this wasn't about blame, boy. The point is that you completely wore yourselves out, and that was on a relatively stressless day, from what I can gather. Now look at you both. Jewel just dealt with an entire semester of stress, plus freelance work and all that jazz, and the both of you are trying to raise a daughter up here now. That's not even mentioning everything concerning Julie and Natalie and that Tar business that's been going on! Life has been a bloody mess up here, you can't help but be burned the heck out at this point, and I don't care how badly you two need to be with each other right now, the point is that you can't expect this to play out like the 16th. You are both under a lot of stress, and burnout is a real threat at this point.

I'm still going to try.

For heaven's sakes-- Jewel, you're going to end up literally killing yourself.


I won't. I can't.

You can't promise me anything right now. Not with the condition you're in. Not with how freaked out you've been lately. You don't think I read that Blurty entry of yours from last night? Here, let me quote you: "If something as simple as looking into his eyes or holding him close is almost more than I can take, just imagine what a freaking soulmerge is going to do to me." I rest my case.

I still have to try, Laurie.

You're going to shatter.

I shattered back in January.

Yeah, and just the other day you were telling me you didn't want that to happen.

And you told me it should happen!

Not like this, for heavens sakes!! You were NOT like this back in January! The 16th was even before that bloody psych ward, and it wasn't until then that everything kicked into high gear! Chaos, talk some sense into him.

I can't.

Don't you dare do this to me too. All right, listen, what the heck do I need to do to get you to to calm the heck down? I am not letting tomorrow happen with both of you in this sorry a condition.

It's the catharsis block for me, Laurie, you know that.

Yeah, but you can't unblock the bloody thing if you're panicking this much.

I'm more worried about Chaos right now.

Well isn't this an interesting turn of events.

...

That ties into this, doesn't it. That just ties right into this.

Not in this way. That's not why I'm worried.

Really? Have you even considered that possibility? Maybe that's why you're so hellbent on being with him tomorrow. Maybe some part of you is so bloody shredded by the tar hacks that a connection is going to be the only blessed thing powerful enough to fix it. Maybe that's where this catharsis block is coming from, you think?

...

That's only giving us all the more reason to go through with this, Laurie.

I'm not focusing on that right now. I'm focusing on getting you two stabilized so that if you want to straight-up send each other to heaven tomorrow night then you can. At this point that is not going to happen. We need both of you to pull yourselves together more than anything right now, and I think that's as good a starting point as any.

How do we build off it though?

Simple. Melody kept telling me that you're at a breaking point and now that I think about it, we've only been focusing on the exhaustion point and not why you've been driving yourself to that point.

You just summarized that, with school and everything...

That's general exhaustion. I mean exhaustion on this specific level. Or no, not exhaustion, potential burnout. There are things you haven't discussed anywhere that have been eating at you. You remember yesterday? That detached slipup you had?

Oh no, don't tell me we're dealing with those again..

This was different, believe me, it was bloody different but it was still a problem. But Jewel, you were doing fine right up until that slipup happened. Then you slowly spiraled down into an emotional wreck and you know exactly what that resulted in you feeling like.

...That happens all the time after something like that. And it's always tied into him. He's the only thing in the world that can stabilize me after something like that happens.

Yeah, no kidding. So just how much of that pain have you been suppressing? How much of that abuse have you been ignoring? You freaking forgot that Julie ever scarred you at all, and I don't care what the details are that is still one heck of a fact by itself.

He forgot?

Yeah, he forgot. Totally bleeding forgot and forgave her. But those scars are still on his arms.

Not just my arms, I'm a mess.

No bloody kidding, just look at me.

...

All right, sorry, that was out of line.

No, it's... it's a good point. I just... what do I do to fix this?

You tell me. You said in your Blurty entry that tomorrow-- sorry, today-- felt like--

Not even today in general. I specifically meant the part when Chaos and I would be together. Whenever we could manage that, that is.

Yeah, that's what I figured. Anyway. You said that that felt like it would be some astronomically important event. You said, and I quote, that today feels like it "will somehow consummate every single moment of my past 21 years, bringing everything together and perfecting this odyssey of a lifetime for whatever comes next." Nice choice of words.

Very funny.

I'm serious. And then you went on to say that "it feels like it's going to do that perfecting thing to both of us. Like this is going to completely refine us or something." You see my point now?

No. You're not making much sense to me.

Because you're starting to close off too. You do that when you hurt this much. Open up your heart or I'm going to nudge you over to him and just watch what happens.

Don't, not now.

Aha, see, I know this tune already. Listen. All that hellish abuse Jewel has been suffering for most of his life has never really been 'purified,' to use his favorite word. He's tried to get over it, but the problem is that he's forgetting it's ever happened. He's forgiven it, sure, but it still hurts like hell, and for some reason he can't let go of the pain, not completely. You know why? Because he never really accepted it. He was so bloody terrified of it that he rejected it completely, even after we thought we fixed it. Come on, you remember the 29th!

I remember a lot more than the 29th.

No kidding. And that's my point. Jewel, you understand that entirely now, don't you?

I sure hope so. I've been forced into every facet of it at this point, and I'm tired of it. I want to just step out of that completely now, and live my life without it. I'm done.

There you go. And that's what today is about on that level. You said it's going to 'perfect' both of you along with Jewel's experiences up to this point? There you go. Whatever the hell you two accomplish, you'd better do it in total bleeding honesty because this really is that important.

We can't not do that honestly.

Actually, you can. Look at the both of you now. If you tried to connect right now, your fear and pain and all that would get in the way. Yeah, your love is totally honest, that's indisputable. But that wouldn't get through too clearly underneath all this nonsense, now would it.

She has a point, Chaos.

Yeah, and what do I do?

Why the hell are you closed off now? What the hell triggered this?

...I don't know. I was afraid I'd be making this worse. Now I'm not so sure.

Really?

Really. ...Emotional extremes are one thing. Context is another, I guess.

Hey Joe, whaddya know?

Ssh, don't bring that up.

Why the hell not? You two keep bringing it up otherwise. And that's some serious context.

No, she's right. Remember the conversation we had about that, Jewel? You're not Joe, and I'm no blue fairy, but if it wasn't for that you wouldn't have realized just what was beyond it.

In other words, today.

Yeah. Sorry if I'm being vague.

No worries. Keep going.

Well... Jewel, that made you realize the hope split thing, didn't it?

Yeah, I discussed that with Laurie on Sunday.

Exactly. You're Joe with different programming. Totally different kind of bot.

Same attitude though.

Ironically.

Still true.

But why'd you bring that up now?

Because that incident, wink nudge cough, is what I'm getting at in terms of the purification bit here. You said today feels important, I think that's what you're fixing.

We'd be taking June 29th and accomplishing that on the right level.

There you are. And Jewel, wasn't that your biggest regret about fixing that? "I have something brighter?" Well here's the brightest thing you can possibly accomplish. So accomplish it.

I don't get what brought us here though.

Hey, you're calmed down, aren't you?

Well... yeah, more than I was, definitely.

I was discussing the reason why you've been so exhausted, for a lot longer than you've realized. You've been fighting this war for a hell of a long time and you just want it to be over, but there are still minor battles going on.

So you're saying this will end it completely.

I sure as hell hope so. But you're the one who said it felt like today, or excuse me, what you accomplish today, will somehow act to tie everything from your life up to this point together.

I don't know how though. It just feels so significant.

Well, there's my theory as to why. You'd be ending that war for good.

Have I forgiven myself though?

Have you?

I see no reason why I shouldn't.

Then don't hold it back. Chaos?

What?

You never held any of that against him, did you?

Of course not!

Well Jewel, there's your motivation.

So forgiveness actually seems to be there. Self-forgiveness, that is. Now I just need to let go of the past. And maybe that will just happen naturally with this.

The forgiveness?

Yeah. As long as I stay conscious I won't lose that.

There's another thing. Staying present. You've been having trouble with that lately, haven't you?

Paradoxically. Only in keeping my thoughts quiet and regrets away. But I've been able to deal with tough situations better and Nat can tell you, I've been doing extremely well in fighting off even tar hacks, which are so simple. I may have spiraled into an emotional wreck last night, but Laurie, even you know that I somehow managed not to scar from that.

Because it was the last facet. You had to tie that aspect back in to keep you from slipping on all the other points.

You think so?

Sheesh, that's what you told me. I think it makes sense.

All right. Chaos, I am still worried about you. Please tell me you're okay.

...I think so. Mostly, I suppose. It's just been a long night.

No kidding. Got a long day ahead of you too.

I know.

You're not going to hurt me, and I don't care if you feel enough to set my heart on fire. That's what I am, Chaos, that blessed ache is worth living for and without it I'm not alive at all. So don't worry. Chaos and Catharsis fit together, remember? We're cosmically inseparable, that's what this is about. That's what it's always been about. Love despite all odds.

I can't forget 2003, you know.

No kidding, neither of us can.

But the details. Just how you came into my life like a hurricane. Jewel, you're always calling me the maelstrom but do you remember what you were like back then? I was lost, I was terrified. Then you showed up and... you were like Laurie to me, haha.

How so?

He completely turned my life around and refused to let me stay where I was. It was too painful to do that. But I would've stayed there anyway had it not been for him, because I couldn't see any hope until he showed up.

Well what do you know. Told you that's your secret virtue forever, kid.

Hey, the same goes for all of you, you know.

Perhaps, but don't blow it off. If we're all hope for each other, then God bless, let's keep being that. But don't you dare exclude yourself from it. 

She's right, as usual.

Heheh.

I... thank you, honestly, both of you. I guess it's instinctive for me to do that. But... you're right, it's not kind to you. It's just... I want to be that for you all, I want to be a source of light and hope, but admitting that feels so arrogant.

It's not. It's just like saying you love someone. It's honest, and it's from your heart, and it means the world to us. Telling me you want to be such a force of good in my life means more to me than you know. It shows how much you care, and Jay, I'm not used to that. You just... decided to dedicate your life to mine, completely, and I did the same. I want to be light and hope to you, too. That's not selfish, or proud. It's love.

And he's right, as usual.

That's high praise coming from you, Laurie.

You deserve it, for that.

You really do, Chaos, and thank you. I love you, honestly I do, so much. You too, Laurie, I love you.

The feeling is overwhelmingly mutual, kiddo. But seriously, you two, before this conversation turns into something else, can we close this thing up? It is really freaking late.


Yeah, good point. I guess we should. Did we settle everything? What was our main motivation for this conversation?

I wanted you to open back up, calm the heck down, and either decide to postpone today's connection until you were stable enough to handle it, or stabilize enough to go through with it anyway. Same to you, Chaos.

Sounds like we accomplished it, then.

Surprisingly.

No, I'm not surprised. You get Laurie on a topic and she will solve it, no matter what.

Good to know I have a reputation for this sort of thing. But really, Jewel, it's your call. Is there anything else you want to talk about before we close this up, or should I leave you two to your own devices?

Uh, I'm actually curious on what else Mel said. At least with relevance to this. I can read over the conversation logs tomorrow in any case.

I think we covered all of that. Mel was focusing on how much of a freaking mess you were earlier today.

Oh, that reminds me. Chaos, have you been talking to Genesis?

...Yes?

About what, this?

About... about my not knowing how to deal with this either. I've been worried about you, and how we were going to handle today, but I felt you were kind of pushing me away so I decided to talk to him about it. No offense, I just didn't want to hurt you.

It's okay. I was actually talking to Xenophon about the same things, as much as I could. And Laurie, of course.

Yeah, no kidding, I'm your go-to guy whenever stuff like this goes down.

And with good reason! So yeah, Chaos, that's actually why I jumped on FB earlier and... apparently inadvertently started this whole thing.

When was this?

When he responded to Mel's question of "how've you been" with "eh, I dunno, trying to be optimistic I guess." And then I knew he was holding back just like I was, and suddenly I couldn't deal with us both denying that side of our emotions and then this happened.

Thank God, right?

Yeah, seriously.

So... oh, shoot, I forgot about this.

What?

No, this is funny. Mel actually suggested that... heh, they just said "don't let them be alone when it happens, so you guys can stabilize them." You know, emotional burnout. And I had to very gently tell them that they did not know what the heck they were talking about.

Yeah, Laurie, you're enough of a stalker the way it is.

Ace fangirl for ace shenanigans.

Exactly.

Seriously Laurie, we used to lock those doors, how the heck did you get in?

You think I freakin' care about locks? No way. If I want in I'm getting in, deal with it.

You freaked him out a couple times, and I just could not stop laughing. It was great.

And now you two are just like "whatever man" and get on with it to the point where I have to get up and leave because geez, I can only take so much before you get me sobbing like a total moron.

You asked for it, love.

Heh, yeah, I know. But that's why I wanted you two to be able to... you know. For today to actually happen. Because whether or not Mel understood just what she was asking me to do, I have at least been there, and wow but if that isn't just brilliant.

Interesting choice of words.

Shut up, CZ, it's true. Hell, take it as a pun if you want. You two are amazing. January 16th was bad, July 8th was worse, July 30th was pushing it and October 12th was freaking off the charts.

Yeah, you were there on the 12th.

That's what I mean. I got close enough to actually feel one tiny bit of that-- one miniscule spark that you give off, Jewel-- and that was it. I took the bloody bandages off, and that was hard enough, but then you just looked at me and that was it. I nearly fell apart and I don't know how the hell either of you can dive straight into that and stay there, but you do, and so help me but today I didn't want to keep that from you if I could help it. I told Mel that if you didn't express that you'd sputter out. I don't want that happening, to either of you.

Wait, you did?

Yeah, I did. Like I said, they felt that postponing this was our only option. And yeah, it sure looked like it, but... I don't know, Jewel, I think your hope is rubbing off on me.

Is it?

Possibly. Point is I couldn't keep you from this even if I felt that was our only option too. I was terrified you'd hit the tipping point, negatively, and burn out... but really, I knew you were still going to try to get this right and no matter how ticked off I was at your backwards altruism I'll be damned if I didn't at least respect that.

What, my wanting to try?

Your hope. Your inexplicably unfailing hope. Hope and Love is what you got. I have Mind and Truth, which puts me at a pretty good position from which to orchestrate this whole business, to say the least. But you're the one who keeps walking when logic and statistics fail. And you're the reason I keep walking when that happens too. You've made me pretty bleeding sentimental, you know that?

Haha, I guess so.

No I'm dead serious. You've thawed me out. You made me want to get my life together, and so I did. Listen, kid, I love you, and I don't want to see you keeping yourself from expressing that in any way whatsoever. That's what I was fighting for tonight. You, and him. Both of you together, as you say it. Truth and Love work together pretty well too, you know.

They do.

Don't forget that Chaos has Life and Heart, in that respect.

I think that says a heck of a lot right on it's own.

I'm just that awesome.

You are, love. You really are.

All right, that's it, you two need to get some sleep so you won't be looking for it tomorrow. Today. Wow it is really freaking late.

This needed to happen, though.

So does tomorrow-- aw, heck with it, let's just close this up.

No, what were you saying?

I was saying that today needs to happen, and that's the single sentence that drove everything we did over the past several hours. You know it, Chaos knows it, I know it, even your daughter knows it. We might not know just what is going to result from this, but hell, it needs to happen, for one reason or another.

If the only reason was what I'm feeling right now I think that would be enough.

It would be. It really would be, and that's my point.

Jewel, don't act like you're the only person feeling that way right now.

You two aren't going to start this early, are you?

Hell no, Jewel can barely stay awake at this hour, and look what he's been doing all day.

Yeah, I'm a little tired to soulmerge right now.

We can practice though, wink nudge cough.

Oh you just had to say that. Fine, count me in, let's see what I can manage at two in the morning.

Hey, he's a bona fide canon character, he deserves better. He deserves you, Jewel.

Hahaha, don't even go there.

You were afraid, but not anymore, right?

Aaand you're still going there.

I think... you're afraid of letting go.

Dude that is my line, you get on the bed.

This is hilarious.

Are you afraid of seeing the stars, Chaos? I can show you how to reach them.

No kidding, if you hit me hard enough we're both going soul form and you know it.

You two are butchering the dialogue and I love it.

Well of course we are, he's an alien and I'm missing some parts, what do you know.

Got some accurate lines in there, though.

Is this your first time with something like me?

2005 parallels everywhere.

I know. Feels like it, doesn't it.

I'm afraid it will hurt.

Was that a confession or a confirmation?

Both.

But once you've fallen in love, you're in it for life.

And you'll never doubt the reality of this again.

Dude, July 7th was a milestone, I know.

Who's to say tonight can't equal that, hm?

Well, we'd have to put on rifle recoil instead of Frank Sinatra, but I'm all for it if you are.

Can I say something?

Sure.

This is the most perfect moodswitch I've ever seen you two pull off. Bravo.

Hey, it just led up to this, I didn't plan anything.

Good. That's how it should be.

Hey, Jewel?

Hm?

You're winding me up inside.

Am I now?

You have no idea.

Maybe I do.

Just get to the interspecies makeouts already, come on.

Laurie, I mean this as kindly as possible, but shut up.

Ahahahaha.

This is starting to parallel the 16th a little and honestly that's kind of exciting.

I'm running out of dialogue, love.

Make some up. Or don't talk at all, we don't need words tonight anyway.

Trying to remember what eternity feels like?

Exactly.

I think you two are getting a head start, holy swords.

I told you, this is practice.

Gotta make sure I'm working properly before I meet this blue fairy.

Dude, I'm right here.

Well what do you know.

You going to live up to what you said about me, J?

Why don't we find out, gorgeous.

That's it, I'm closing this up.

Haha, I knew we'd get to her soon enough.

You two are bloody ridiculous and for heaven's literal sake, I am still waiting on that postcard.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

Define 'ridiculous,' Laurie.

Fine, I am enjoying this way too much and both of you need sleep.

That's what we're trying to get, actually.

No, no irony for you, that's it.

Hahaha.

Late night partner, don't bother sleeping, tell me all the secrets you're keeping...

Now there's a song I haven't heard in far too long.

Sing with me 'til the end of time, love.

I would, but I can feel eternity right now and time really doesn't matter so much anymore.

Do you two have any bleeding idea how long you've been at this?

Nope, no time here.

Today is a lemniscate, remember?

Come on, man. I'm serious, roll the credits, we're out of here.

She does have a point.

I guess. This is just awesome.

You're telling me!

What's awesome is the fact that we actually managed to accomplish something in this conversation, as spontaneous and frantic as it was.

And look how it ended.

Oh it's not over yet, believe me.

It's over as far as this session is concerned.

Can I say something though, in all seriousness?

Please do.

I did not expect to come to a working conclusion on this topic, not this soon.

I told you to stop expecting, things always work out better when you don't.

No, really. When we opened this session I was a total mess. It's honestly shocking how quickly I got out of it.

Well, you are more stable now in a general sense. We've all been through a lot this year, and something tells me that your heart is more than a little fed up with getting stuck in negative situations.

It sure is.

Can we make that another pun and apply it to me? Because I'm thankful we got out of that mess as quickly as we did too.

Sure, go right ahead.

Laurie is right, though. It is seriously late and I just realized how tired I am.

No, really?

Sorry, haha. I was a little distracted.

It's fine, no need to apologize. But, uh, you two were in the middle of something and I should really let you get back to that. Offline, that is.

You drive a hard bargain, Uberich.

Come on, man, you both know you can do a heck of a lot more when Jewel isn't trying to channel all this.

That's a very persuasive argument.

It's the truth and you two are cracking me up again.

Dare I say the word?

You say that word and I will kill you. Not at this hour.

Fine. Now we need a good closing line.

You two had a ton of those way back there, if you were paying attention.

Nope, too preoccupied with this guy here.

And vice versa.

We are never going to close this bloody thing up, are we.

Nah, I am tired. We'll continue this after the Christmas weekend, I guess. The next three days are going to be brilliant.

Like us.

Pun entirely intended.

 




 

 

 

 

 


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