and you are the flaw

[prismaticbleed]

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE GENESIS APOLYMIS







They say I have not been blessed with truth. They say I'm blind.

Are you sure you're ready to talk just now?

I have to. I know I've been putting this off, because I'm scared and confused, but what if they're right? What if I really am stupid and misguided? What if they really do hold all the answers and I'm too inept to see that?

Just-- just forget that mess for one second. Are you stable enough to talk about all this yet? Or do you need time to think it over?

What do you mean?

Well geez, considering what you've just read, I'd say you're probably in a whole lot of emotional pain. If we're going to try and fix this, you need to be able to see clearly, and not be all fuzzed-up by that trauma.

There's the blindness again.

You know what? Let me read that bloody entry. Where is it?

Where's Josephina?

He's not allowed in here until I'm sure you're ready for it. Same with the blue guy. Now let me see those words.

...Am I really that misled?

Ssh. I need to concentrate.

Okay.

...Why are they so bloody bent on keeping you here?

Beats me. But they act as if it's a direct law from God, that if I go back to my brokenhearted family, who I miss terribly, that I'll just be admitting to my own sinfulness or something.

That's messed up.

But what if they're right?

About you staying down here in Mormon country? Listen, kid, I know you care about these people and all, but you can't be killing yourself for it. Heck, you remember what you heard on the radio last night! You need to have some genuine respect for yourself in order to help ANYONE else. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I could've sworn we've been over that point countless times over the past four years, if not more.

I know. I know. Just... let me finish looking this over...

And seriously, who says you're waiting? What the heck else can you do?

Wait, what?

You don't have transportation, connections, or a roof over your head. But you're not just waiting! I've been watching you. I've been watching your conversations with your parents and brothers and friends, your searches for plane tickets, your obsessive brokenhearted planning straight into the night, worrying over what to do next in your life. Just because you're not wandering the streets like a shortsighted bum, looking for a job to support a nonexistent career, doesn't mean you're bloody waiting.

I know.

Sheesh. I need to talk to this kid.

I know...

Buuuut they won't let me.

I know.

You know a heck of a lot, don't you? Then why don't you ever act on it?

I doubt myself too much. This is proof.

This kid out west? Yeah, I'd sure say so.

Where's Josephina and Chaos?

Waiting. I won't let them join in until you finish assessing that yellow entry and figure out just what we need to talk about. Also this is some really great music you're listening to. Who is it?

Masashi Hamauzu. Final Fantasy XIII OST. "Dust to Dust." 12 plays since this afternoon.

Nice. Uncannily fitting, too. But then again coincidences don't exist around you.

Yeah...

So, you finished yet?

No, give me a minute...

Oh, I get it.

What?

They think you "don't have the Holy Ghost" because you're not Mormon. What the heck.

Yeah. I'm losing sleep over it.

No kidding. Geez. I am... I am really, really upset about this. Understatement of the year.

We both are.

We all are.

Hey hey hey, we're not ready for you yet!

Why the heck not? My kid needs support!

Yeah, but he also needs to figure out what he needs support for. That requires finishing reading the update, and so far we just keep distracting him. You're really not going to help in that department.

Maybe not, but I'm not leaving. Jo, get in here.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure. J's going to finish reading that in a minute and we're all going to settle this mess once and for all.

I doubt it'll be that easy.

...I know. I know, all right? I just... I just wish it were. This is getting far too painful for us already.

Tell me about it.

...Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted one with another.

Aaand what of that are you not doing?

Apparently all of it.

That's blind nonsense. Someone needs to get their facts straight.

And what if it's me?

Look, kid, you need to STOP doubting your heart, okay? That's the reason you keep getting Julie hacked and taking the wrong paths! You won't listen to what you KNOW you have to do.

But... but they--

But they keep saying the exact opposite, I know. Well you know what? Forget that. Yeah, they mean well, but they have their own life to live, and they can't be projecting it on you. You need to go back to your family, help them get back together, and get back on your feet where you actually have a floor to stand on.

Are you sure?

Completely sure, and you know it. What about you two?

I'm sure. I know I don't know you very well yet, but I've seen the pain you're in, and it really breaks my heart. I can't see how being here is going to help...

Same. Jewel, I know it's probably going to sound stupid to you, but for love's sake, I just want you to be happy again.

Happy with who I am.

Yeah. It's been too long. Far too long.

...

See what I mean? Does that kid know any of this?

Any of what?

Any of your side of the story?

Well, yeah, you remember the other night. And they read glissando so that updated them.

But they didn't check the lamps.

They don't know about the lamps. Neither of them do. That's not meant for them yet.

But it says exactly why the heck you're so stressed out over here! Don't you think they should know that too?

...

You're afraid.

I am.

Because you were honest?

Why are you so scared to be honest?

I... I'm still afraid of offending others, of being a negative force on them.

Kid, forget that already. You want spiritual proof? The Bible says to 'rejoice' if you gain enemies from doing the right thing. You can't forfeit a righteous life just because you want everyone to 'love' you. I appreciate your innocence, but it's not right to let yourself be abused and manipulated just because you think the entire world has a white heart. It doesn't, and if you think it's going to love someone who does, even if only up here, then think again.

...

Jewel, please.

What do I do?

Be you. That's it.

But is that right?

Why wouldn't it be?

Think about it, kid. When exactly was the last time you were really 'you?' How did that work out?

...Better than I could have ever imagined.

And now that you're twisting and breaking yourself to fit what 'society' wants?

Worse. So much worse...

See, kid, this is what we're trying to get through your head. Whether or not your yellow-bright friend thinks so, you've been blessed with a heck of a lot, and we know it. I mean, come on, we ARE it. You need to take that and run with it, because you have what it takes to get through. If Mel forgets that, they can just ask their father what his blessing to you included! Didn't they recommend that? Didn't the answers already sync with what you've known all your life? And now they're telling you that you're a-- a godless blind man?? They're the ones who can't see here!

Laurie, I know, but please, let's just discuss this together, okay?

Why is it so bloody hard for you to accept the truth?

Because so many people are telling me so many different things, and they all claim they are 100% infallible.

Hey, I'm not faultless. I'll be the first person to admit that. But I know you, kid. I know you, and I think that's worth something. Heck, Chaos knows you better than I ever will, and I bet you my life's wages that if you ask him the same questions, you'll get the same answers that I gave you, if not better ones.

...

Chaos, do you believe in me?

Of course I do. I always did.

Then why doesn't anyone else? Why don't I?

I don't know.

I'm so sorry, love. I never meant to be such a mess.

It's... it's not... don't worry about it. I'd rather have this mess than a painless life. Jewel, think of what we've been through. Look at what we've done. Would you trade this for absolute certainty and worldly peace?

No.

Geez, what's up with the flowery language?

I'm being clear. Not my fault if my clarity translates into flowers. My point is, the world thinks peace is a lack of pain and conflict and struggle. It's not.

Sometimes you need that to get there.

Exactly.

But not bloodshed and hatred...

I know. That's why you can't run by the laws of the world. The ridiculous majority of it is deluded in that way. You see for yourself how many kids online wish they had carefree, sunshine-and-rainbows lives. And then you spend hours crying over it, because you wish you could let them see what you see, those paradoxes you love so desperately, and the deeper beauty they hold... but you're too afraid of turning them away from it, by showing them the scars that brought you there. You're too afraid of hurting them.

And that's why he's afraid to stand up for himself...

Now you're getting it.

Told you you knew him better than I did.

Guys, give me one second to think this over again, okay?

Take all the time in the world, Jewel.

Well we can't have that, then there won't be any left to talk in.

It's a figure of speech, Laur. Geez. I meant he doesn't have to feel rushed.

I know. Just teasin' ya. We can't be miserable as old men in here all the time.

Will you take a leap of faith?

Jo, you haven't even seen that movie yet.

...

No, but I noticed that line's been bugging Jewel for a while. Why?

Because it's what Mel wants me to do. To "take a leap of faith... or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone..."

Geez, I foreshadowed that without even realizing it.

You can't take it out of context though, Jewel.

Can I?

Well hey, for one, you'll never die alone. Take Dan Nigro right out of context too, while you're at it.

And anywhere you might wander, you can make that your home...

Cause when you have love in your heart, you'll never be alone!

Yes, as long as you have love in your heart, you'll never be alone. I like that song.

It also talks about burning bridges and leaving your old life behind, though...

But look at what precedes it! "They'll show you their castles and diamonds forth to see, but they'll never show you peace of mind, because they don't know how to be free!" Isn't that what Johnny told you back when you were sobbing in that parking lot? Isn't that what we JUST said about five minutes ago?

...

See, kid, we're on the right path here. Don't panic. If you gotta pray again then go ahead.

But they keep making me question my answers.

Wait, what?

I get one answer and I'm afraid it's not right, so I try again until I get a different one, even if it's forced. And that's just wrong. It's horribly, absolutely wrong... but I've become so unsure of myself, that--

Stop being so unsure! Why are you so doubtful?

I told you why... but... I suppose it's not a very good reason.

No, it's not. Hey, think about what happened last night, okay? How you were almost hacked?

Again??

Don't sound so heartbroken, geez; you know this happens all the time.

But...

Every time that happens, your first instinct is to chase her out. To stand up for who you are. And that's a righteous drive, because the next instinct tells you to let her stay and abuse you, because 'society says it's natural' and 'it's the right thing to do!' And then you get images of Mel's face on the walls and you start sobbing because you're not sure who's the lost one anymore.

Jo, please. Stop. Stop it.

I can't. You need to hear this.

I... I need to go back home.

Thatta boy!

Jewel, why'd you even come back out here in the first place?

It was an immature decision. I didn't think it through all the way. Mel said I 'needed to be with them,' so I used that as an unquestionable ultimatum against everyone who wanted me to think over my decision... even myself. I ruled out my own reasoning because apparently, their inexplicable demand held the utmost integrity and denying it would damn me.

Why?

I don't know. Because they needed me. I had no other options, or so I thought.

See, that's your problem.

Yeah, and I wish I had realized it then. I pretty much forced myself back into Utah, cleverly covering up all my doubts and pain with a mask of happiness, going so far as to condition myself into a totally different person whenever I spoke to them. And when I look back on it I realize it's exactly what I did to Q.

Molding yourself to fit their demands, realizing you're rotting on the inside, and then silently fighting it until the pressure becomes too great and you explode in a surge of pain towards everyone who's involved.

Geez, that's scarily accurate.

I know. I was his sole confidant during that time, remember. Well, at least as far as that issue went...

So I made myself think everything would be just perfect if I came out here without so much as a solid motivation, and boy was I wrong.

You realized it at the farm, you jerk. You just kept thinking 'Dori Dori Dori,' and wishing you were with her, and wishing you were at home.

Who's Dori?

A girl he loves terribly, despite her own troubles in life. One of the few people he's able to accept unconditionally, regardless of the pain.

Wait, so Mel isn't?

Mel is different. Mel is a friend. Mel is someone who's confusing the heck out of you right about now. Mel is someone you can't understand. Heck, they've been labeled as a threat too, last I heard!

But... but I don't understand Dori either... and she doesn't want anything to do with me, let alone confuse me through conversations...

But you love her.

...I know. I know.

And that's the big difference.

...

So you don't love Mel? But I--

I do, I do love them, but not... not like that. I can't choose or force that, ever. I don't even understand why.

It's distant and it's unconditional. You've known her long enough to feel like that. If Mel had given you more time, maybe things would have worked out differently. But no, they gave you the vaguest idea of who they were before you met, so your preconceived notion-- the image of Mel that you actually loved-- was just a facade, just something you imagined, and once the real person started showing through you were terrified.

And that wouldn't happen with Dori?

No. You're too deeply attached. You know her too well, through her own words. Even if she triggered you, you couldn't hate her. Not after all that. You couldn't even dislike her. The only reason you're so confused right now is because Mel is making you question the love you feel for everybody.

Wait, what?? How?

Q. And her own notions.

...Oh.

What do you mean?

Mel's idea of 'love' is in direct and caustic conflict with Jewel's, and it's causing a ton of paranoia, pain, and panic in our boy here. So much that he's beginning to pull that bloody doubt routine and wonder if they're really right.

Jewel, they're not.

What?

Ohoho, snap! Where'd that come from?

They're not right. I... I know what Jewel's definition of love is. I've freaking lived in it for the past seven years. I may not know a lot about Mel, but if the few things I've heard are true, then I'd say there's more than enough reason to just throw their notion concerning you aside and stick to what you have.

Why? What are their notions?

Well for one, they admittedly have a working sex drive.

...Oh. Ew.

Pfahaha! Rubbing off on you, huh?

And secondly, there's the fact that they doubt their emotions in this matter so much.

They doubt their own love?

As far as I can tell, yeah.

Jewel only does that because of other people's opinions... he thinks that maybe someone else knows the 'truth' on the matter, and that he's been misinformed. So out of fear, he overrides what he knows to be true in his heart. It hurts.

Even worse, it makes me absolutely furious.

Jewel, why do you do that?

I just... I want to be a good person. I don't want to be wrong about something that important.

And who says you aren't a good person? How could honest love ever be wrong? And other than that, who cares if you're wrong once in a while? You're not choosing to be! You'd never do something inherently bad enough to be damnably wrong! If anything, you simply picked the wrong right option.

Hey hey hey, elaborate on that. I'm intrigued.

Come on, you know what I'm talking about.

Maybe, but I want your side of it.

...You know how Jewel obsesses over his decisions. How he compares every decision against what he knows to be truly wrong and truly right. He'd never flat-out choose an option that was unmistakably bad. If he makes a 'mistake,' like I know he hates to do, it's simply because he couldn't find a better option.

Or because I was too scared to pick the best one.

Which may have seemed 'wrong' in someone else's eyes anyway. It's all a twisted subjective mess, kid. You need to do what's objectively right. And you know what that is, deep down in your heart.

She's right, you know.

...

And don't you dare ask 'how do I know if it's really right?' If you're that bloody unsure, go talk to God. There's your objective Truth. Go flip through that Holy Book a few more times. You already know what it's going to say. Heck, you can even go right up and talk to Preludove or Hosea about it!

Love is the only thing that's worth anything.

Right. And all virtue comes from it.

Exactly what you've been living since you were a kid....

You see what we mean? The answers are right there! They were given to you years ago! Whoever says you're not blessed needs to take a much better look at your life, kid.

...But that's not what's bothering me the most.

It's not?

Then what is?

...They're turning what should be a simple, painless decision into a moral quandary.

Staying with them versus going home?

Yeah.

And did you tell them how broken your family feels without you there? How much they miss you?

...Mel thinks they're evil.

The heck?? Who the blood gave them the right to judge your family that way??

Well, they don't exactly love their own family, so they might be projecting.

Well yeah, that explains a lot.

But they don't even know your family?

I... they know what I used to type up on my bad days. In the blue journal. The days when my family would kind of... explode.

Fair enough, but everyone's family has problems! You can't expect perfection! Heck, I don't think we even want it!

We don't. Not here, anyway.

Because it's a social construct!

Whoa, dude! Where'd you come from?

I'm really worried too. I want to help.

Oh man... thank you, thank you so much...

Anytime, Jewel. I love you.

...I know. I know. I love you just as much..

And you're thinking this is wrong?

No, no! There's nothing wrong about this! That's why I'm so torn apart! Why are they treating this as some sort of travesty?

What, us??

No, sweetheart, not us... compassion. The compassion and love I feel for my own family, despite their flaws. Despite the rough days and hard nights, there is so much light in that family, and so help me but isn't that in her very religion?? Isn't that what a family should be? I mean, sure, we're not perfect-- my parents are divorced, my grandparents can be way too judgmental, and my brothers don't do much besides play video games nowadays-- but so help me, I love them all more than I can say, and who knows? Maybe with my being there with them again, I can help them ALL get back on their feet, not just myself! For all I know, all those troubles could just be the result of sadness, of being lost, just like I am, just like Viral is. I can't leave them alone knowing I can do something for them. I don't know if Mel is projecting their own dislike of their family, God knows why, onto mine, but so help me I'm not going to let that deter me. Why do they think it will be so horrible to go back to them?

Because you said it yourself; they don't know what the heck they're talking about.

Not with my family, no, but they're pretty dead-set that God wants me in Utah.

Why?

That's what I want to know. I just... I can't know, not for sure, and as far as I've been told, God wants me to do the right thing... and right now, I feel the right thing is going back home. But I can't be sure, not in any provable or tangible way, and that tears me apart.

Is there even a right or wrong in this situation?

Apparently there is.

But why can't we go home?

...Because Mel needs me here, they say. No... actually, they say someone else needs me here.

Someone else? Who?

I don't know. They just said that-- I think-- there's 'no one to reach in PA,' because the person I 'need to reach' is here in Utah. What bothers me about that is not only the exclusivity of it, but the fact that it says I will 'reach' them. How?

Through your work?

I don't have the means to do my work down here, that's the problem. And the pain from this situation, plus my fear to be myself around them and Q, is keeping me from being the person I need to be to help others anyway.

I just don't understand why they think you can't reach anyone in Pennsylvania.

That's what bugs me too, yeah.

And there's no way you can stay another few days to clear this up with them?

Believe me, love, if I could, I would-- but wait, I thought you wanted me home too?

I do. But I don't want this turning into an all-out war just because Mel insists you stay.

Oh.

What do you mean 'if you could, you would?' You kinda have to right now, don't you?

Yeah, but paradoxically, I can't stay here. You've seen me lately-- I've been sick, I've been weak, I've been sleeping away the days out of pure sorrow and stress-- heck, I'm even malnourished and broke as a hobo. Mel says I need to get a job or things won't improve, but geez, if I don't have the transportation, let alone the clothes and the emotional stability, that's really not going to help anyone very much.

True.

So they want you to stay but you really can't. Not reasonably anyway.

That's basically it, yeah. It just upsets me because that line from Inception is all I can think of...and I don't even know which way it runs.

What do you mean?

Taking that leap of faith... does that mean staying here and waiting to reach some random individual who I don't even have the current means to influence, or does that mean buying the plane tickets and going home to a dysfunctional family who I still love enough to believe I can save them, and start a new life for myself?

Either way, you're not going to die alone.

And I strongly doubt you're going to have regrets, too.

Or be old.

Haha, true... but...

But what?

...I will die full of regrets if I don't stop mincing around, waiting for instructions on how to live my life, instead of just opening my heart and being the person I was born to be.

You mean Cesarean-sectioned. And pretty darn premature too, you freak.

Heh, that too. But you get the point.

That's why I'm here, okay? You want blessings, well here's one with scene hair! I want to help you more than anything, Jewel, but I can only do so much if you won't listen to me.

Exactly. Geez, boy, you're learning fast!

I'm still confused on what we're supposed to do now.

I think we're all are, and we shouldn't be, if not for the variable we have to deal with.

Mel?

Eeeyep.

Wait wait wait. Wait.

What? What happened?

At the end of their entry. "Whatever it is you are going to do will help them become what they need to be to carry out God's work." And then, in the same breath, "It's going to happen anyway, with or without you."

What the heck.

And then they say that if I go home, I won't be able to live with myself for the rest of eternity.

Geez, that's a little harsh, isn't it?

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I think that if my grandparents died and my brother committed suicide while I was idling out here in Utah, THEN I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

And I daresay those are both much more likely to happen than the contrary...

That's why I'm so scared. I need to be there for them; it feels so wrong to be out here. But I am scared to death of Mel's "prophecy" coming true, and leaving me in an inescapable moral hell for the rest of my life.

I can see why you're so confused, love.

Yeah, you're not kidding!

So what do we do?

Did they say anything else after that?

They just repeated that they're tired of trying to 'get through to me' and failing, and then added that they can't imagine my 'throwing this away,' that I need to give it a chance no matter what.

Ironically, isn't that kind of how you feel right now concerning their stance?

Except I don't have the gift of the Holy Ghost, remember...

Ouch, that stung.

I am really baffled at all this.

What really scares me, though, is that line. That one I just repeated. Like I'm incapable of receiving divine guidance, when it's been the sole force keeping me breathing on countless nights.

Synchronicity, coincidence, random freaking happenstance, all a clever disguise for the above.

The little interruptions and voices and notes that turn everything around.

The revelations from the most unexpected places.

Exactly. And I don't know about you guys, but lately, they've all been pointing to my going home.

I sense doubt.

What?

Don't give me that. Your eyes. You're still doubting your own words. Why?

...

Jewel, you can't be doing that. You know that.

But... I don't know, Mel just... it sounds paltry.

Spit it out.

...Mel has a Facebook. It's really starting to worry me, what's they're doing.

Like what? Does it concern you?

Yeah.

Elaborate, kid. Come on.

...Liking a page called "I know you're my best friend, but sometimes I just want to slap you across the face."

Ouch, again.

Why would you do that to a friend??

I don't know. Maybe it's something I'm 'missing,' but I can't be subscribing to that part of the world anymore.

Was there anything else?

Yeah, this morning... they liked a quote on Q's sister's page. It really scared me. Really, really scared me.

How'd it go?

"And oftentimes, to win us to our harm, the instruments of darkness tell us truths, win us with honest trifles, to betray us in deepest consequence." It's Shakespeare.

Freakin' Shakespeare.

That seems... well, I can see why it scared you.

But it goes both ways, doesn't it?

That's what scares me! There's no guarantee here, nothing but their indomitable belief that they have been inspired by God, and my own heart has been misled into some lake of pitch or something! It really hurts, guys. I've never felt so lost.

I can name a few occasions.

Not like this one, Laurie. This is a situation I have never, ever been in before. Remember I've been sheltered most of my life. I've been kept from dangers like this. Now that I have to face them, and now that I'm being told that I've been 'wrong' all along, I am basically terrified out of my skull.

I told you the world sucks.

That's why he needs to change it.

And this other kid insists he needs to be in this state to do so. Don't you get it? Nothing here makes any sense, not the things that should, and instead of helping anyone, all it's doing is confusing the sanity out of the people who CAN make a difference and do some good. It's a self-defeating prophecy or something equally asinine like that. I just-- geez. I can't take much more of this. Where is Mel?

Uh... why?

I want to talk to them. I want to freaking talk to them, right now.

Laurie, you wouldn't even let Jewel talk to us when he was as emotionally riled up as you are right now.

That was doubt. That was fear and sadness and guilt. This is righteous bleeding anger. I refuse to stand by and watch this play out any further.

I appreciate that, love, but I don't think they'd take to well to it...

Come on, kid, they're not taking very well to you right now, are they??

That's... I know. But they'd write you off as a demon or something, knowing them. They'd call you just another one of my flaws. An 'instrument of darkness.' A liar.

Just like Q did, huh? Because they're too blind to look past the surface of things and see what they actually are?

Maybe they're just scared off by your attitude, dear.

Oh, you shut up too.

Wait, they think Laurie's evil? Why?

Because I used to abuse him. You know that.

That doesn't mean you're evil though.

Not according to them. Heck, who am I kidding? I don't even know if that's their reason for judging me!

It's probably a major factor, though.

Pf. Like I care. They're just like that bloody therapist we had to put up with back in '08. Thinking she could lay out the perfect roadmap for your life judging on some random info she picked up within 20 minutes. Nice freakin' job.

Mel's known you longer than 20 minutes, though...?

Yeah, but not bloody well long enough. I've been around 4 years, and we're still trying to overcome problems that surfaced that long ago, because we still aren't sure of the bases and new triggers keep showing up! For heavens sakes, Chaos has been around for 7 years, Prelude's been around for almost 13, and J's been living the whole two decades with or without us, and there's still stuff we don't know! We can't know it yet, because we don't have the means or the knowledge or the wisdom or the light. It's simply a matter of right place, right time. And I really think that applies to this.

How so?

Mel doesn't know anything that's been going on-- not in the entirety of truth, anyway. And they can't know, just like us... just like we don't know if they're right or not, simply because we CAN'T.

But how is that the right place, right time?

It's not. I meant that in applying to learning what we need to know. Maybe this isn't the right time to be here in Utah? Maybe Mel's jumping on this too bloody early?? I mean, seriously, even I wouldn't throw the kid halfway across the country without a job or a home for the sake of some random drive of mine!

You come close.

Hah, maybe in different ways, and those ways are actually reasonable. They're mental. Emotional. They're things you have to accomplish. And I back them the heck up! I don't see anything behind this decision of theirs.

I told you, they say it's divine decree.

Uh-oh, Razia's Shadow.

And what's more than divine decree, tell me?

Destiny.

To reunite this world's divided halves, fulfill their history..

Exactly. God put you here for a bloody good reason, and I'd say that takes precedence. You're not doing anyone any good out here. Not now. Not yet.

So are you saying we should go home and then come back?

It's the only logical choice I can think up, geez. If Mel says it's God's will that you be here, but if God is telling you to go back and support your family, then go back. God speaks to your heart according to your life. You know that.

I love how you're so bizarrely split between this ridiculous wisdom and the harshest language I've ever heard from a prophet.

I'm no prophet, boy. I'm just a messenger. Just a blessing, so to speak.

So... wait, wait. Doubt.

Again? Why?

Wait, I know. Shoot. I get this now. Holy fish.

What, what happened?

The feeling that's trying to get me to stay. It's not guilt. It's selfishness.

Seriously? Why?

Think about it. This situation is poisoning me. I'm only here so I can share my ideas-- like Mel wants me to do-- but I'm going about it wrong. I'm only showing it off. I'm not making progress. And, as I'm sure we all know, my attacks have been getting worse the longer I stay.

So... some sort of dark instinct is telling you to stay because it allows you to be praised for your work?

Yeah. It's a vanity-feed. I need out.

I get it, haha! Man, that makes a lot of sense now.

Can you explain? I'm a bit new, so...

Jewel wants nothing more out of life than to use his inspirations and gifts to better the world, right? But he's not doing that here-- he's simply showing plans to people and basking in the positive feedback. Like a bloody hedonist.

Exactly. Out.

Wait, we're not done. The biggest problem here is that, as long as he's allowing himself to be blinded by that shallow appreciation, he's allowing his life's work to be twisted and maimed according to the whims of everyone who has a part in that praise. It's a fatal circle.

Which explains why I isolate myself in coffeeshops to do my work.

Right. It's from your heart and yours alone. All the outside corruption we've been getting is screwing everyone up royal. I've seen what it's done to your Links. You remember the last time this happened?

...Yeah...

I don't want that ever happening again. You won't be able to survive it this time. You have no safety net, no stability barrier. If the angels let you go, you're going to fall right into that pit of hell you've been warned of for so long.

I know.

And that hell is the world without your light in it.

...

You remember what we said about the stars, kid.

Without even one...

...The sky is a little darker.

Well then, I'd say we have this actually settled out pretty nicely.

I hope so.

So... we're going home?

Yeah. I have to be there for my family.

But what about Mel and Q?

Are you kidding? The kid's been nothing but a third wheel to them since he arrived. Every single morning after they spend the night doing God knows what, he gets nothing but slumped shoulders and 'I'm sorry's and regrets that he was even brought out here. Every single time! So why the heck do they want him to stay? As a safety blanket? A comfort object? Some sort of cushion against the loneliness they're going to feel when he's gone? I don't agree with any of those options, y'know. My kid is no one's toy. He has a job to do.

So... we are going home then.

I guess so. I mean, I really... I really don't... when it gets down to the bones of things, I don't feel safe here. I don't feel right. I feel like... like a shadow, or a stain, or some sort of black wraith. Something unwanted and... a mistake.

Basically, my exact argument. You buy those plane tickets.

But I'm still afraid of how it's going to affect them. I may not understand a word they say to me anymore, I may not understand their motives or thoughts or sights or anything... but God help me, I'm too naive not to still care. I still care about them, and whether or not Mel feels what they do, I can't forget the fact that they specifically asked me to stay. I'm afraid that leaving them is going to hurt. Or something.

Q didn't care when he left you.

Laurie, that was different. He couldn't deal with my problems anymore.

And how is that different from right now? You're slipping right back into that stage, boy. You're slipping right back into hiding the truth because you're 'afraid it will hurt,' and when it gets out, guess what? It bloody well DOES. And then they leave, and then they tell you to leave, because they can't deal with you anymore.

I don't get it.

Don't get what? The situation? Or how they do it?

Both.

Well, you never did. I'm not sure if you ever should. There are some parts of your head I'd like to keep white.

Same.

Jewel, I'm kinda scared about all this.

You and me both, love... I wish I knew what to say. I really do. I'm so sorry you got caught up in this.

No no no, I'm not scared of that. If you're caught up in this then I'll get caught too. We promised.

...I know. But...

But I'm scared because I don't know how it will turn out. That doesn't mean I want to run.

Same here. I'm not moving an inch from this spot, so to speak.

Haha, join the club!

I guess that means I'm in too, newbie or not.

Of course you're in, Jo. I need you here.

Aw... thank you. Thank you, really.

So, uh, plans?

For what?

For the rest of the night, geez. It's 10:30 in the freakin' evening; if I'm not mistaken, Q's going to be walking thr-- well hey. Speak of the shadow.

That's my line..

Shut up, I can see you shaking. Don't you dare stop channeling this. I have stuff to say yet.

...

Hey, uh, isn't that going to cause problems though?

Like what?

Like... well, when he last spoke to Mel.

Aha, no. No, that time we forced him into idle. This time we're up and running. Heck of a lot more painful, but better than shutting down in front of a computer screen at some ungodly hour.

But...

But what? What do you do? You keep talking. You finish this up, you either get some fitful sleep or stay up and think, and tomorrow you settle this disaster out like the man you want to be. I'm tired of watching you walk in circles and sob about how helpless you feel about all this. Come on, kid, if you don't get up and DO something about it then nothing is going to happen no matter how hard you wish, capisce?

All right.

I don't want a bloody 'all right,' I want action.

...I can't do that yet. Not this second.

I didn't ask for right this second. I asked for you to keep that in mind and carry it out the first chance you get. That's it.

I know.

And I know that you know, kid. You're just too bloody afraid to do it half the time.

You do know why, though. We've been over this.

Over what? Which reason? The reason for not standing up for his beliefs, or the reason for not doing half the shit he says he will?

Both.

Yeah, and what about it?

We don't exactly have access to one of those options right now. Actually, judging by the way the past two months have been going, I'm starting to doubt we even have access to the other.

I don't care if there's something in the way. We're going to push right through it. That's what we're doing right now, aren't we? The reason your boy's too afraid to speak up is because he's afraid of hurting the world. Well a bleeding heart can only go so far before it dies from the lack of life, you know, and we're getting pretty bleeding close right about now.

...I know. Just... it's a fragile situation. I can see that, and I know you can too. Just stop being so harsh about it.

Why? You're not afraid to get harsh when something rubs you the wrong way, so why condemn me for it?

Because... it feels like you're blowing them off. Like you're tossing them aside.

Well newsflash to you, greeneyes, I kind of am. That's not what matters here.

It matters to Jewel.

Every freaking thing matters to Jewel, that's the problem here! He can't see straight because he's too frantically focused on every other detail that doesn't matter in the big picture. Kind of relevant to the kid's art grades too, haha.

Hey, that wasn't the reason. I was there.

I'm just joking around, geez. But the point still carries true. We're not focusing on what's important here if we keep tossing around the irrelevant details. I can't speak for the rest of you, but right now the only thing that matters on my watch is whether or not my boy can even freaking function. That's not what's happening right now.

I... I don't know if I'll be able to function back home, either.

Why?

I, well, I don't know...

You're afraid of offending your grandparents. I know this, kid, we've been over it a thousand times.

That's only one factor. The other is-

The other is that accursed college and the job you had to quit because it was giving you trigger bombs every five minutes, yeah. And you think you'll be free of that in any other state? I thought that rejection letter would have opened your eyes.

...

Laurie, come on. He's not in a very stable state right now..

And?

And... I'm scared that if you push him too far, we're going to have a catastrophe on our hands.

Oh, I can handle a meltdown. I've put up with 'em before.

I can't.

Well, learn to handle it.

I'd rather not.

Guys, please, stop fighting. There's no reason to fight.

There bloody well is! I'm not getting off this laptop until we figure out a solid plan of action for the next week.

I thought it involved buying plane tickets and visiting his dad's apartment?

Well, it did. But you see, Jo, Jewel's still none too keen on buying said tickets.

Why not?

My question exactly.

Because they want me to stay.

And you don't want to.

And I've been told that I'm wrong.

And I don't care what you were told.

Guys, please, stop it!

...

If you won't talk to them, I will.

Laurie, please, don't.

Why not? Last time I spoke with Mel, it went down pretty smoothly.

That wasn't like this. This is different.

Can I talk to them, then?

You just want to talk, haha!

Can I though?

Sorry, but no.

Why not? I'm trying to fix this situation too!

Yeah, but you've only been around for a month, tops. I've been around for years. That blue guy over there has seniority over all of us, but he won't dare open his mouth around those two.

Forgive me for trying to be a peacekeeper here.

Hey, stop it with the sarcasm, bud. You're starting to get on my nerves.

That seems to be inevitable.

Please, you two, don't--

Gen, why are you so afraid of fights breaking out in here? Really?

There has to be a better way to do it without all this screaming!

We tried that. It didn't work.

You didn't try anything, Laurie. You've been mad since I came in here.

That was after my plan fell through the freakin' floor.

It still doesn't give you any good reason to be shouting at everyone all the time.

Doesn't it? Well then, Genesis, tell me this. If someone you cared about told Jewel that he was completely lacking in wisdom-- that he didn't know well enough to make his own life decisions-- what would you feel? You'd be pretty hurt, right?

Well, yeah--

Well, my hurt shows itself through shouting. There you go.

...

Gen, don't argue with her. You won't get anywhere.

Hey, don't you start again.

Laurie, please, I just need answers.

And you expect me to hand them to you? Listen, kid, I care about you just as much as the next guy, but if you expect me to get in the line of people you're waiting for instructions from, then you're going to be waiting a heck of a long time for my answer. Why else do you think I dragged Josephina in here? Jo, tell him why you're here.

To keep you from compromising who you are.

Exactly. And what are you doing right now?

Looking for answers...

And who the heck told you that you don't already have the answers?

Mel.

Well shoot. We really are going in circles.

Laurie, maybe we should just call this quits for now?

And give up?

Not give up. Clear our heads. I haven't even been the one shouting and I feel lightheaded.

Huh. Normally I'd jump on that option, but I'm too afraid that 'clearing our heads' is going to result in a certain someone clearing his out-- or putting even more junk in there.

I won't.

You can't guarantee that, boy. I know you.

Then I'll guarantee it.

I thought we were mortal enemies just two minutes ago?

Laurie, give it a break. You know what my responsibility is here, and so help me but I'm going to stand by it.

Your amber-faced friend doesn't seem to happy with how you go about it, though.

Because he and Jewel are the same in that aspect. They don't like unnecessary pain.

Too bad. I happen to specialize in that department.

Laurie...

What? I'm not going to lie about it.

Laurie, you're the liar this time.

Really now? How so?

I can't think of any instances of unnecessary pain from you.

Well, he does.

You're damn right I do.

Heh.

Still... I'm really worn out from this. I think maybe we should close it up, try and get our facts together...

And you promise you won't be a gutless hypocrite and go against everything I just told you?

You also just told me that I can't guarantee anything.

I'm not asking you to guarantee anything, kid. Like I said, I know you. I want a promise.

But isn't that the same as a guarantee?

Not exactly, Jo. You'll learn. This kid is one heck of an anomaly.

I promise, then. The best I can.

Good. Chaos, you watch him for me.

I watch him even when you don't want me to.

Good point. Oh yeah, speaking of... how's Genesis been doing?

What? Me?

You been watching for triggers? Or have you been too scared?

I...

Laurie, DON'T.

Don't what? Don't get him to face his own conscience?

That's not how you go about things. Leave him alone. If anything needs to be dealt with, I'll do it.

Being pretty bloody protective of your sweetheart's BFF, I'd say.

And I'll repeat, I'll be as bloody protective as I need to be.

Suit yourself. If something goes wrong, don't go crying to me.

I won't.

Guys, please. I'm starting to get horribly dizzy.

It's called mental trauma, love. You'll get used to it.

...

Heh, don't you go glaring at me like that.

Please, Laurie.

Fine, fine. But tell me, Jayce. What's next on your agenda?

What?

After you close this up... after you fix up this conversation, what's your next plan of action? Are you going to sleep it off like you always do? Try to escape? Or are you going to face the problem and actually solve it for once? Are you going to go straight to the source and settle this out?

I... I don't...

You're too scared, you dastard. I knew it.

No, no... I have to stop being scared.

That's right you do!

But I don't... I don't think I can manage another draining experience at this hour. I mean, I theoretically could, but then I'd either shut down, melt down, or...

Or lose the steering wheel.

...Yeah. And... and I'm not too comfortable with the idea of letting you at it right now.

How about tomorrow?

Letting you out?

Yeah.

I... we'll see.

Hot dang. I think this might actually work in my favor for once.

Laurie, I swear, if you try anything insane--

Chill out, bro. I've got this.

I'm not joking around.

Neither am I.

Um... I really think we should close up like we said we would. Otherwise we're just going to keep having more arguments...

All right, fine. J, give me your schedule.

For tonight?

For tonight, and the next few days.

I... I don't know that yet...

Don't give me that, boy. We talked about this. The plan is set.

Is it?

What, you're changing your mind now?

No, I just...

Jewel, don't panic.

I'm... okay, okay. I'll try not to.

I'm still waiting for an answer.

...Um... well, I still think I should sleep tonight off, just so I can calm down enough to have a stable conversation...

And then?

...And then we discuss this.

And after that...?

...

Come on kid, we've decided this.

T..tickets.

There you go.

Laurie, I swear, if you didn't mean so much to him I'd punch you a good one right here and now.

And why's that?

You just... your methods. I'm not exactly thrilled with them.

Hey, too bad. They work.

So do mine.

I don't see you acting as his superego, though.

That's because I have a more important position than you do.

Maybe so, but if you don't act on it, you won't do anyone much good.

Laurie, for the love of--

Chaos, please. Stop. I need to sleep.

...

Jewel, are you really okay?

No.

Good, you didn't lie for once! Progress, gentlemen, we're making progress.

Uh, Laurie?

Yeah?

Do I just... what am I doing now?

You're coming with me, that's what, and I'm making sure you understand as much of this situation as you possibly can before tomorrow. You want to talk? Then you're going to need to know what you're talking about.

All right. Sounds good to me. Jewel, I'm sorry if I upset you or anything...

No, you're good. Thanks, Jo.

Hey, it's why I'm here. Try and get some sleep, okay? And please watch out for Julie, because...

...I know. I'll watch.

'Kay. Good night, then.

I do believe that's my curtain call. You lunatics can handle this situation well enough without me, I hope?

I daresay we'll handle it better without you here. Now you said you were leaving?

Heh, only for a little while.

...

Jewel, you can't be letting this keep happening.

What?

This-- this letting everyone toss you around like a rag doll. I know you have that martyr complex and all, but geez, this is getting to be too much.

Yeah, I don't like seeing you do this to yourself either.

I... guys, listen. I know I shouldn't. I know I need to be... well, to make sure I can still function, like Laurie said. But...

But you're too afraid of hurting people, I know. I've been on the other side of that situation a few times.

...I'm so sorry.

Don't apologize to me, Jewel. I don't hold any of it against you. I never did. If there's anyone you need to apologize to, it's yourself.

And maybe Laurie.

I don't care what Laurie thinks, Gen.

Chaos, please, she knows what she's talking about... she's just a little rough about it.

A little? Kid, I don't know what you've been up to lately, but as far as I remember, she doesn't exactly play nice when you're alone with her.

I ask her to do it.

That doesn't mean it doesn't upset me.

...Me too..

Yeah, geez, you can't even handle her shouting. Be glad you haven't seen the stuff I have.

...I've seen worse.

...

I think we've all seen worse things than what Laurie can put me through.

Jewel, please--

--And that's why she's so harsh. Chaos, listen, I know you don't exactly get along with her half the time, but she takes my attacks just as badly as you do. It may not seem like it, but we're all in this together, okay?

...All right. Just promise me something.

Hey, I've already made one tonight, a second should be no problem.

...You remember, a few years ago, when I told you...

Told me what?

...Stay who you are. Please.

For me, too, okay?

...Okay. Okay, I will. I promise you both.

Cross your heart.

Already did.

Good.

Heh... Gen, you really know what you're doing..

Course I do. Now we all need to get sleep.

I really doubt I'll be doing much sleeping after this...

Then don't, if you can't. Don't end the day on a painful note like this.

Don't you do that either, alright?

I'll... try not to. It's a bit difficult for me.

Here's an idea, then. Focus on something else. Something that won't be bothered by this situation, that you can hold on to.

Like what?

Like us. Like Genesis and I. We're not going to leave you, no matter what you do.

I should hope not...

Kid, I promised you that ages ago. I will never leave you. Stop worrying so much.

Heh, alright.

Guys I'm really starting to yawn over here and that's bad.

Jewel, I think your muse needs sleep.

Maybe. Just maybe.

Hey, I do! I'm really tired you know. Plus I have to float around all day which makes it worse.

Okay, okay! I swear, I can't be in a bad mood with you two around..

Not entirely, at least.

...No, not entirely.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

What?

Finish that book before you shut down for the night. I've been watching how that's affecting you and I think you might get something you need from it.

You think?

Hey, no coincidences. If this morning is any indication, I'd say they've been lining up pretty well for you today.

Hm. Maybe so. I'll do it, then-- I've been going crazy over how it might end anyway.

I figured you might, considering what it influenced.

...That too.

And you know, it's all about the life divine...

A hero's ending, all the signs.

You're the one, and the one you must survive.

Yeah...

Wrong song, but I think it works.

Hah, if you memorized Milliontown I think I'd be pretty shocked.

And I daresay you know the significance of that one well enough already.

Yeah, I do.

I love you, kid. More than anything.

I know.... I know. I love you too. Always.

Don't forget me!

I could never, darling. Now get to sleep; we're all going to need it.

Darn straight we will. You sign off first, though; I know how you work.

Geez, does everyone know how I work except me??

Well, maybe that's something you should think about, hm?

Huh. I guess it is.

Anyway, we really should've ended this ages ago.

Not really. We always find stuff to do with the extra time.

I thought you said you were falling asleep?

I am. Maybe I'm sleep-talking right now. You never know.

Oh man, don't start that up again...

Yeah, I'd say you've had enough of that for tonight. One more thing, though.

Hm?

The title. Who's it about?

Uh...

You know that's entirely inaccurate.

...

Hey, look at me.

Hm?

Stop putting yourself so low, okay?

I had a good reason to, though...

I can't think of a single reason in the world good enough to put you down, kid, and I don't know how you still can.

I guess...

Now for heaven's sake, close this infernal thing up and get to work. With how early you've been checking in lately, I think your boss is going to think something's up if you disappear all of a sudden.

Knowing him, yeah. And I need the sleep.

Then get some, and don't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Hah, I won't be. That's one thing I can guarantee.