oct 10 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

What have I even done with my life?

Our laptop died yesterday due to some manic-destructive fronter pounding at it with their fists until the battery FELL OUT and the whole thing was shot.
So we can’t do much now.
We DO have the 98, which I’m on now, but… it’s breaking my heart.

Every time I turn this on my mind and heart desperately try to go back TO 2000, or 2002, that whole time period. I desperately want nothing more than to go back to that life of a child, where my literal only concern was school, and at home I had nothing but free time that I used to type, and dream. No self-abuse, no addiction, no sobbing and screaming and switching. Just this. Just creativeness; there was no performance, no publicity, just ME.

And then I bring up the NWC and what do I see but a 2006 reference to Chaos 0.

It’s terribly funny, and I mean that in the most aching way possible, how he can break my heart more than anyone else, still.
I … I’m not sure who he is anymore? He split SO bad, and even back then he was unstable, what with Perfect and his Infinite forms and 210 being around…
He was flamboyant back then, sassy and enthusiastic and mischievous, but he was also so emotional and “romantic” and full of love, honest no matter how he was hurting or lost.
But… what happened? Did something happen to me?
When we first met, back in the earliest Sonic Chats and write-outs (God, God I WISH we still had them all), he was so shy, so quiet, doing nothing but clinging to me and watching everyone else. He was very much still a Chao, so to speak.
Then… well, we had our first *incident.* I said I loved him and he said he loved me. I gave him the Chaon Ruby, the gem that he took into his heart and which then changed him dramatically, permanently… our relationship with each other took an entirely new path from then on. We were more open around each other, more expressive. We were no longer afraid or reticent.
But now, now…
When did this awful stuff start?
Was it 2011? I can’t remember. When did he stop being the aquamarine maelstrom I knew him as, and turn into the turbulent sea? When did his heart become so torn up that he was a hurricane over muddy waters, instead of the sunshine glinting off the tide?
When did he lose himself? When did he fade out? When did I?

I miss who I was. I miss our old life, the one we only had when we WEREN’T AT HOME, because in school we could literally “dissociate” all day and “dream” instead. We could go inside and have adventures upstairs, never talking to anyone downstairs.
It’s why I miss college. If I had the money I’d TOTALLY go back, geez. I miss it.
The only thing we CAN do is wall ourselves up in this room and type and listen to music… but… we did that all during college I think and it did take a toll on our health. All that sitting and staring is bad for you! Plus it hampered our dream-life anyway because we weren’t OUT, we couldn’t “go on autopilot” and dream.
Maybe that’s why the addictions started again now? Laurie was even saying today, how she thinks the abusive eaters are ONLY doing that because when they DO, the people upstairs appear and yell at them, and sometimes that’s the only interaction with Headspace they have all day.

I don’t want to be melancholy; it solves nothing.

And yet, going back, I’d be kicking a lot of progress out the window. Irony!
We healed a lot, grew a lot, we see more clearly… but. But back then, back now, I didn’t HAVE to heal anything because there wasn’t anything “broken” TO heal!! You see??
II don’t know. Some people say “but I wouldn’t be “me” without my pain!!”
To which I say, no. Not for me. Not after tasting this, then that, then this again.
What I’d give to be this carefree and joyful and creative all the time again. Never worrying about food or bills or therapy or work. I would just be CREATING, dreaming, and feeling REAL honest love.
When did I become so ashamed of that? When did I start to WRONGLY think, “childhood innocence is BAD???” who the HECK put that in my head???? Where did it come from???
It’s NOT mine, that’s for sure.

…
All right but really lets STOP BEING MOPEY and talk about heartspace stuff.

Tuned back into this, I can FEEL how different we are now than we were then.
And why?
Because we GOT OLDER—or at least, we were FORCED to get older!!

In truth, as our TRUEST most honest selves, we are STILL KIDS.
Like… I dunno, this computer says I was between 14-17 when this was going on, and those ARE the heartspace years… well, 13-17. Five blessed years.
However I don’t feel like I aged? Like for those 5 years we didn’t get older. Not really. When the body hit 18 though, Headspace woke up, and we fell asleep, and everything switched…

But! We can tune back into OUR time now!!

…Oh geez. I just realized, if this is going in 5-year increments…

1993-1994-1995-1996-1997= “DREAM FRIENDS”
1998-1999-2000-2001-2002 = JEWEL MONSTERS
2003-2004-2005-2006-2007= HEARTSPACE
2008-2009-2010-2011-2012= HEADSPACE version 1
2013-2014-2015= HEADSPACE version 2????

Remember the Underground opened up, the Daemons were born, and we jumped from like 20 to 100 once 2013 hit!! The entire function changed. I wonder.
Anyway if this is correct, it means that in 2018, things will change again. GEEZ.
Part of me hopes it changes faster?? Like this time period so far, it’s been… well, no, I can’t say that.
Infinitii is an angel. Knife is a sweetheart. Kyanos is a darling. So many of the “new people” are wonderful. We’ve made significant Leagueworld progress too even if we don’t realize it.
So I can’t really complain…


(unfinished)


other notes=

★ IN SI, CHAOS WAS ORIGINALLY ECCENTRIC AT HEART.
Speaking roles in Fanfiction mostly seem to suggest this too?
Did the Chaon Ruby CALM HIM DOWN???? Causing more “order” in him/ crystallization of his shifting self????
ALWAYS “powerful with a warm heart” but chao are mischievous little things, so was he.
VERY emotional, WATER element + CHAOS, it was inevitable.

Why did he split so badly in headspace?

★ remember the Ruby “MADE HIM MORTAL.” He’s not an aloof god, he started as a CHAO, an innocent childlike thing!

★ originally in SI he WOULD NOT EVEN GO NEAR THE EMERALDS because he had PTSD FROM THEM and they would literally cause physiological flashbacks of the Perfect incidents.
ALSO CANONICALLY, EXPOSURE TO TOO MUCH CHAOS ENERGY AT ONCE FORCES PERFECT.