prismaticbleed: (shatter)



010324
Grandma dream
"Will you stay with me forever"

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011124
Siren is alive
Different from Overload. Siren doesn't ever speak. She just screams from physical distress.
Overload is more attuned to mental distress? She talks a lot
ALSO there's a DIFFERENT foni for PAIN??? Like exercise exhaustion. She is similar to Siren but their screams are very different

Weird kakofoni
"I love you" synonymous with "don't kill me"
SCREAMING

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011224
We get so terrified by having to kneel and pray in front of the bathroom pictures for two reasons =
1 BATHROOM TRAUMA
2 KNEELING ON RICE TRAUMA!! We FORGOT how often we would be PUNISHED by being forced to do kneeling prayers in front of a holy image

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011524
UNITY IN CHRIST DESTROYS BOTH SELF-PITY AND ONEUPMANSHIP = "YOUR PAIN IS MY PAIN"!!!
NO LONGER NEED TO "SUFFER MORE" FOR IT TO BE "VALID" = ALL THE WORST SUFFERINGS ARE YOURS IN UNITY WITH THE CHURCH = YOU ARE ALL ONE BODY IN CHRIST, WHO CARRIES EVERY MAN'S SUFFERING FOR ALL ETERNITY


⭐"brainstorm" virtue colors by SYNASTHETIC INSTINCT?


I have been created by GOD WHO IS LOVE
That has astounding implications


062823

Jun. 28th, 2023 10:46 pm
prismaticbleed: (worried)
 
Another hell night
3am Tumblr

Good fruit sermons
CRUSADE & JOPHAEL fronting
Many Unidentified religious foni in general. Pay attention

Aldi shop, Laurie helping
Spotify system anthems

Golden rule reflection

Bible study:
"What work can you do to be pleasing to God? The only work you can do is just believe in Jesus." = WITHOUT Christ, all the good works we do as humans are HUMAN WORKS, done for our own honor & earthly benefits, EVEN IF they are virtuous! It is ONLY through believing IN CHRIST that those works, THROUGH HIM, become WORKS OF GOD!!!
"What Sign will You give that You are from God" = "THE EUCHARIST"
The "food" of God is a PERSON= HE WHO IS LIFE HIMSELF
"Labor not for FOOD" in regards to EVERYTHING we pursue in life; fascinating generalisation = food is a SYMBOLIC REALITY??? BOTH BODY AND SPIRIT NEED "FOOD". Explains the "sex" analogy= ALL food is GIVING OF ONE LIFE INTO ANOTHER; it is TWO BECOMING ONE THROUGH THE SACRIFICIAL GIFT OF ONE??? Properly so. But we experience food too often as RAPE.
THIS NEEDS TO BE HEALED FOR GOD'S LITERAL SAKE

Hunger & thirst occur why? Because food fuel is used up & exhausted. It doesn't last. NOT SO WITH CHRIST!!!

BREAD OF LIFE = GAIN spiritual life by EATING spiritual Life itself; did not have before, only carnal life. So that's the ONLY WAY IN. Had to eat physically FIRST to "unlock" higher means AND upgrade lower ones, basically

"Noone can come to Me unless the Father draws him to Me" = but God DOES DRAW EVERYONE!!! Everything true & beautiful in life points to CHRIST as its ORIGIN & PERFECTION. If our hearts are open to seeing that in Him, we will come to Him. BUT if we close our hearts to God-- by CHOICE, cynical and sickly learned; no child does this-- then we deafen ourselves to His call. But GOD CALLS EVERY SOUL, as His Own Unique Creature!!!!
The core point: YOU CANNOT BE DRAWN TO EITHER CHRIST OR THE FATHER WITHOUT LOVE IN YOUR HEART!!!!!!!!

Healing service with that local hermit, church was PACKED
Confession line talk: CHAOS & LAURIE
Then me, Laurie, Julie, Overwhelm & Overload, Lynne
penance: ROMANS 8. THE ENTIRE THING.

Sudden realization that Waldorf has RED EYES because she is LINKED TO THE JEWELS!!!!
Wondering if she can BRING ARTIFACTS OUT OF LINKWORLDS??? Remember how she used to "morph" with EACH NEW STRING!!!

Amazing sermon
Glove touch FOREHEAD BUZZ

Home at 8pm DUDE WHAT
Jewel "burning off" social overwhelm
Wreckage "read the memo"
We're all blurring too much
Xennie "If you're thinking about me, then you think something really loud, I hear It"
Leon noticing his old anchor is still being triggered; bravely moved into semifronting to feel it out = for him, it was based more on the RISK HIGH of winning, that RUSH OF SURVIVAL!! Like his LIFE DEPENDED ON "WINNING". Proving he could do it and survive. That's VITAL DATA.
Also when he moved near that anchor his COLOR STILL SHIFTS BLUE!!!


CORPUS VS NOUS
Need MULTIPLE "COR(E)S"

...

051723

May. 17th, 2023 11:06 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

trying to update. rough but honest.


Mom call woke up
Made us super dissociated & nervous
Tried to kitchen prep a bit
Jay talking to Wreckage
Brought up Ashen somehow? Wrex: "I love her. I want her to be safe & happy at last"

Church OLOMC & OOSJ.
So dissociated & anxious about thought of going up house.
Shaking, couldn't focus, wanted to vomit
OVERLOAD & "OUTRAGE" BOTH TRIGGERED IN QUICK SUCCESSION & WE FELT THE DIFFERENCE!!!
ALSO A DIRECTIONAL DIFFERENCE????

"Akessa" the "listen & nod" girl. Mute?
DIFFERENT from the "smalltalk" female social
JACK out a lot? Surprisingly he has ROOTS to his selfhood, notable for a blepofoni

Chickened out & texted mom about fears
This triggered someone out SWEARING & CURSING "us" for being "chickenshit cowards" and telling us to "man the fck up"
JAY FRONTED TO DEFEND THE DAMAGED KIDS. "If they're scared they have a good reason to be AND they're warning us NOT TO GO BACK and make things worse."
Jay able to front a bit after that?
Overlay sliding between boyish redwhite look & "Father Nier" aged & rougher, but with HEART ON CHEST OVERLAY???
Notable shift in "protection" aspect-- boyish NEEDS Laurie, adult protects OTHERS??? Good soldier mindset. "Fight the good fight of faith"
Interesting to see this shifting in real-time

Walmart stop with Genesis
Lost SO MUCH TIME but at least got our mind off the panic
Bantering a lot, lifted our spirits

Garbage bag stop for the mother
Genesis tunes on shuffle: someday soon, sunshine, rooney album.
of course he was singing. honestly lit my heart up so warmly. honestly we really love him so much, you can tell he's so bright because he loves us too, no matter how dark things are he is DETERMINED to be that firework in the night and he DOES it, bless him forever

Home for 2
Adelaide & Julie still working together
my current song obsession: "everybody's going to die one day"
Leon unable to front due to dissociation???
Scalpel trying to laugh & smile BUT "the mouth doesn't match mine"
Julie commented about body bust size, "if you get dysphoria from these tiny things, be glad you don't have MY body." Disconcerting for her NOT to have them. Surprisingly Lynne ALSO DOESN'T? She said even our body's were too big. Surprised at how androgynous her shape is despite her femme appearance.

Sharona "Jezebel bloodline" further thoughts; " It's what I started as but I never want to go back to being that-- so if I am supposed to hold it then I will change it"

Mimic commenting about paidifoni fear & telling them "don't be afraid" negatively? Shaming & punishing for being scared. Said this teaches them to not only numb themselves to danger, but also to be NUMB TOWARDS OTHERS WHO ARE AFRAID, ultimately discarding their right to safety & protection because it’s "immature" or "cowardly." Etc. Paused and then said "yeah you all know I'm just talking about myself here"

Amazing daily devotionals today

Want to exercise but need to eat. Julie Mimic and Laurie pushed us to do 50 crunches at least & a few tricep dips.
Need to be aware of our joint & back trouble.

FINALLY BK AT 315

Ask God for wisdom & He will give freely & without judgment-- LAURIE REFLECTS THIS
"God ENJOYS giving to all people who ask Him"
⭐"WISDOM IS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS!!" WISDOM COMES FROM PERSONALLY KNOWING & LOVING THE HEART OF CHRIST-- HE WHO IS INCARNATE WISDOM-- AND NOT FROM LISTS & ROTE KNOWLEDGE.
Wisdom is a FEMININE virtue in this regard!!! Knowledge is MASCULINE. And remember, BOTH ARE REQUIRED TOGETHER!!! They complete, enable, enrich each other.
Thinking of Moralimon with this too, esp. "Cultivate wisdom"

Went to moms house for 6pm
Stayed until 8 helping her with sales
Astra still en route!

DN at 9pm oh my goodness

JAY'S PROBLEM WAS THAT HE TRIED TO BE LIGHT ITSELF, INSTEAD OF THE PRISM IT RUNS THROUGH!!!
God bless Alexander MacLaren as always:
"...a lamp must be lit by contact with a light, and must be fed with oil, if its flame is to be sustained. And so the very metaphor-whatever the force of the ambiguous word-in its eloquent contrast between the Light and the lamp, suggests this thought, that the one is underived, self-fed, and therefore undying, and that the other owes all its flame to the touch of that uncreated Light, and burns brightly only on condition of its keeping up the contact with Him, and being fed continually from His stores of radiance."
"For the Christian to be touched with Christ’s Promethean finger is to flame into light. And the condition of continuing to shine is to continue the contact which first illuminated. A break in the contact, of a finger’s breadth, is as effectual as one of a mile. Let Christian men and women, if they would shine, remember, ‘Ye are light in the Lord’; and if we stray, and get without the circle of the Light, we pass into darkness, and ourselves cease to shine."
"So, brethren, when lamps are quenched, let us look to the Light. When our own lives are darkened because our household light is taken from its candlestick, let us lift up our hearts and hopes to Him that abideth for ever. Do not let us fall into the folly, and commit the sin, of putting our heart’s affections, our spirit’s trust, upon any that can pass and that must change. We need a Person whom we can clasp, and who never will glide from our hold. We need a Light uncreated, self-fed, eternal. ‘Whilst ye have the Light, believe in the Light, that ye may be the children of light.'"

 
...

so tired cleaning up for the night.
helped so much by wreckage still being reliable with her job. she still gives xennie extra food because she admittedly has a huge soft spot for the children, and "wants to give them the world" basically. every little extra act of kindness is allowed and encouraged in her eyes. man she is such a sweetheart i love her


adelaide doing such honest work trying to take care of the body.
the instant she steps out the "EMPTY GIRLS" step in and basically objectify/ dehumanize themselves and us
so addie being there is VITAL.


seeing shirley, sirius, and penny talking to her. "we need intercessors." remembering the data trio, but they were dead, their essences were upcycled into this new trio. felt deep sadness in their hearts at this still.
some talk about the "chains" on penny's wrists? felt imposed. jewel spoke up from wherever-- like she likes to do-- saying they were "residual" from the sandman comic memories, they weren't an inherent part of her.
also penny ONLY looks similar to cannon & razor because SHE HOLDS MEMORIES FROM THEIR ERA, the sort of "hidden data" that the other two can't actively reach.
but her hair is DIFFERENT. it's the literal color of a penny, and swoops forward a bit at the bottom? very streamlined. not messy at all.

prayer hour "be a good soldier"


practically BEGGING jesus to "bring infi back" if it was his will. like if there was any chance then PLEASE.
the loss hit so hard, i was reeling, universe collapsed beneath my feet. couldn't cope.
jesus hugging me tight, pained expression, he knew how much this hurt, he wasn't ignoring or handwaving it away. he felt this grief too.
BUT he reminded me "INFI WANTED TO DIE." because ze couldn't stand being a sinkhole of trauma residue anymore. that era needed to collapse, to reset, and infi knew everything was hinging on hir.
and honestly... try to look at those trauma memories NOW.
try to look at the WORST ONE.
it's VOID.
it's just vague data now. the first-person existential horror is GONE. infi took it with hir.
...
dear lord what a sacrifice of love
i could weep for weeks over that fact alone
but jesus reminded me of this. infi HAD to die for our sakes, and ze WANTED to.
now things CAN shift and reset, things CAN get a NEW FOUNDATION, the spectrum can UPDATE AGAIN FINALLY.
nevertheless, if infi ever did or could come back... ze could NOT come back as "infi."
that name, that history, that past, IS DEAD, and MUST STAY DEAD.
it's gutwrenching but it's true.
i think the same thing is happening to me, on some level.
"don't leave it all behind," jesus immediately warns. don't trash the love. don't abandon your loved ones.
there are things that need to die, yes, but remember the resurrection.
remember the resurrection.


archiving and listening to vaporwave
cannot wait to sit and read through all of this in order when it's done, that's going to be lifechanging




032521

Mar. 25th, 2021 03:12 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

I am absolutely SEETHING with rage today. It’s all sensory overwhelm. I don’t know if Overload still exists, but she was Brown, and this is absolutely horribly VERMILLION. It’s like the horrible color of tomato sauce, which I HATE with a violent rage. It’s true. That's what set me off, is smelling the horrible garage smell—the smell of summer—the stink and color of tomato sauce over the kitchen, pasta on the floor and in the sink, crumbs over the counters, and HEAT everywhere—I wanted to die. I wanted to set everything on fire. I wanted to take an absolute bloody axe to every nearby surface until everything filthy was destroyed completely. And then I want to move to the absolute coldest state in America and cry and cry and cry until the internal pain and heat stops and goes away forever.

 

Can I just stick Chaos Zero in a freezer and have him hug me all day? Because I want to weep at how desperately I need him right now.

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)



Jay here. It's been a long time since any of us updated and frankly I've lost my entire concept of time right about now-- ironically, as this is Celebi's month, but that's actually a big part of this too.

Our Spectrum, our System, has been "dead" for about… at least a week? Solidly since Friday. I say "dead" because the downstairs "System" took over entirely after Jackie nearly killed us with bingeing on Friday, and someone swore to "kill her" and Jewel took over 100% for the next four days.
…Or, at least, she tried to stay out 100%. As of today, she realized rather traumatically that even on her level, she's not alone. She loses time, however small, she switches out, she blurs.

Over the past few days of operating on this level, there have been a lot of threats to the Spectrum existence, including (as far as I'm aware):

- Trying to delete our LJ archive
- Trying to delete ALL our System Tumblr archives
- Trying to cancel all our future trans* medical appointments
- Trying to throw out our HRT
- Effectively trying to revert the body back to being as "purely feminine" as it allegedly was when we were 16 or so? I have no clue, but that was the motivation
- Trying to cancel ALL future therapy appointments (Jewel was on board with this as her younger self saw it all as "dumb," but thank God that the older Jewel (12-13, white clothes) decided "let's at least wait until Thursday." Well Thursday is going to be interesting now, to say the least.
- Trying to throw out all our System-relevant possessions (very few, used mostly for grounding or anchors or reminders)
- Trying to sell Chaos Zero's anchor plush (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- Trying to COMMIT SUICIDE
- and various other hyperreligious things tied to "restoring" the body back to how it was at an unknown earlier age, basically the "work persona" cranked up to eleven-- long hair, dresses and makeup, vanilla smile, and no sense of self other than serving others-- in their eyes, a "perfect holy godly woman." But such a "woman" has no self, and that to them is holy too… the problem is, they don't realize that the reason they don't exist away from other people is because they SWITCH. Life's fine living as a literal servant of humanity as long as you always have humanity to serve. Such a person is incapable of self-care, as evidenced by the horrifyingly abusive alters that ALWAYS take over instead the moment we are forced to "take care of ourself," and by the perfect-girl's total unawareness of such behavior occurring.

But yeah. That's been things lately.



Honestly we need to be in bed for midnight tonight because the body is sick, sick sick sick, we are terrified for our life right now and we need to rest, God have mercy we need to rest, seven hours is all we're getting right now but that's better than five.


Long story short: on the downstairs level, there are TWO girls who are abominably abusive eaters. The first is a manic, but it's NOT Jackie this time-- like I said, she was put on death row on Friday and as far as I know she's being murdered as we speak-- this alter is the "but I enjoy it!!" one who DOESN'T EXIST FOR THE CONSEQUENCES and so thinks she is totally immune to sickness and allergies and indigestion and pain and other things. So, she cannot comprehend that other people aren't so "immune"… let alone that she's sharing a body with such people. I apologize but thinking about her makes me very ill and makes me want to shake and cry.
The second abusive eater is the core alter for ALL abusive behavior: Jessica/Cecelia. She's the one who's halfway between brown and lime green and who is crushingly depressed to the point where she's also halfway between staggering apathy and agonizing despair. But her despair and self-hatred and shame and guilt is so potent that she cannot cope with it, and so she SHUTS DOWN and just eats and eats and eats because 1) it numbs everything and 2) it's highly abusive and might just kill her to end the pain.
So that's the deadly duo right there, but then we have alter #3, who we've been calling Overload, because apparently a huge sort of merging has occurred and ALL those fragmented furious alters had their roots/anchors fuse into ONE person, one wild brown-haired girl motivated by "perfect hatred" and violence and sheer blazing rage in the name of "murdering all evildoers for Christ's sake." She's dangerous, terribly dangerous, because although her heart is technically in the right place, she would love nothing more than to take Cecelia by the throat and smash her skull into concrete repeatedly until it's a bloody sickening pulp, screaming at her the whole time that she's a whore and God hates her and "is this what you want" and basically spitting every condemnation in hell at this fellow alter for her "brazen f*cking sinfulness" that she "deserves to die for."

…This is the situation we're in, currently.
I can't find the strength or time to write more about that tonight. That'll be for Thursday.


Two more things.
First, for God knows what reason (and that's probably why), when Cecelia was binge-abusing on two bloody boxes of cereal (and God also only knows the amount of sheer panicked terror I feel upon realizing that went in OUR BODY), the grandmother walked in and told her that she needed to stop eating because "your Pokemon are in your room crying."

Yes, she said that. It's because we had retro Pokemon toys lined up on the floor to photograph for eBay, but… of all things to say, at all times. Of all things.
The instant we heard that, we instantly knew that it was Celebi who was sobbing her eyes out.
Cecelia couldn't cope with the immediate matching agony that Jewel felt about that, so her response was to shut down even further and force herself to eat even more for, as always, God knows what reason.

Infinitii told me it might be because Cecelia can't imagine living a life that's not wracked by pain. She has no comprehension of peace, or relief, or life outside of abuse. Her entire existence is defined by self-destruction, by the knowledge that she's a "horrible sinful wretched pile of filth" and so why treat herself any differently?
Another bit is still the potent catharsis of vomiting, which is also the ONLY way a lot of the most tortured alters can deal with their crippling trauma at all, now that the "safer" forms of self-abuse like biting and cutting are forbidden.
God, I don't care if it's forbidden. Please, I would rather have Gamboge's old scars marking our arms again than this 5+ hour ordeal of hell every evening. I would rather spend the 30 minutes bleeding into a tub drain, sobbing with the people I love than waking up after a whole day of three loveless alters trying to kill each other and not giving a shit who pays the toll in the long run.

I'm sorry. It just hurts a lot.
Celebi says it breaks her heart too because "they say they love her, but never act on it." She says it's all empty words but she KNOWS Jewel is "in there somewhere" and she doesn't know how to get her out or why she's trapped or what to do… you get the idea.
But that breaks my heart, too. Celebi has to play the role of Genesis, Laurie, Chaos Zero, and Infinitii for the downstairs level, which is really just Jewel (the other alters don't give a flying donut), but that's enough. Celebi is a literal lifesaver for them.
There are more than four alters on that level, I know that, they're all terrifically compartmentalized… all of them are brown eyed, long brown haired, teenage girls, and for the most part they all think they're alone in the body. Miss hyper-religious "I'll kill you for God's sake" knows she's not alone but she only knows that through outside evidence. She hears the floating voices too but she HATES them and actually that hatred of hers can be used for LIFE SAVING purposes if done right. This alter doesn't give a shit what screaming voices or trying-to-front other alters are forcing on her; she'll spit in their face and do the right thing instead. So she's interesting, and I'm glad she exists, but I just wish she wasn't so absolutely hellbent on murdering everything "bad" because often that ends with her TRYING to destroy our body just to "kill the demons in it."

She's the one that demanded we exercise for an hour at 11PM, both to try to heal from that awful binge session of the other girls, and also as "punishment" to push our weak and shaking and stressed body even further until it hopefully "collapsed."
That's a note… at night, unless our body is tired, hungry, and having trouble standing, we're afraid to sleep because we think something is wrong. Most of that is because feeling "full, content, and happy" is viewed with utter scandalized disgust, as such words are horribly sinful and hedonistic, and really indecent. So we live feeling like an icicle or a small green shoot, something thin and small and clear and raw and SAFE.

Anyway. We only got 45 minutes in because let's face it, the exercise bike is loud and people are trying to sleep, and also because I wanted to type something before going to bed.
I'm sharing the bed with Celebi this month as she needs the love (and also it is her official month), but she told me I could share the bed with Chaos Zero tonight if I wanted to, because let's face it, I love him with my entire heart and I miss him terribly and the downstairs people largely have no concept of love and they've been feeding our body the message that "we don't love anyone" lately and that's entirely false.
But he says I should share it with her, after today. That was my plan anyway.


…I had massive amounts of synchronicity immediately upon coming back and fronting while we were exercising. I forget how that set me off. Maybe it was Punch Brothers. Jewel was listening to "Familiarity" (my "Black Light Machine," effectively) and feeling utterly distraught because she was scared and tired and in pain and was convinced that God wasn't listening to her, that He wouldn't deliver her from this terror because He hated her, because He "didn't know her," because "God didn't love her"… and then the chorus came on.
The instant that thought left her head, the song replied, "I love you, I mean it."
And she cried.
She cried, barely able to comprehend what had just happened, and she could barely front for the rest of the song, and then the next thing I'm aware of, I'm sitting on the bike listening to Beachshade and Lord, it's been four days, at the very least, do you have any idea what it's like to not exist for 96 hours in a row?? Or more?
But I was back.
And Relic sang Together by Mesita, and as I sadly sang along the outro suddenly punched me in the chest and I realized this is why I woke up, this is why I'm back now.
And then out of the dark, Laurie laughed that no one's listened to a System song in weeks out of shame /hatred /disgust /embarrassment, and as I sadly smiled in response, it suddenly hit me that to the downstairs people she didn't exist either, she had NEVER existed, and yet here we were talking as the old friends we were as if we hadn't literally just awoken from the dead.



…The downstairs people don't get synchronicity, ever I think, which is heartbreaking. Why? Is it because they feel so isolated and alone, so cut off from each other and the world? Is it because they scoff at compassion? Is it because they turn away in shame from love?
I don't know.

All I know is that I'm glad to be back and I miss my daughter and my loves and my friends and even this blood family and even as I say all this, I feel the downstairs fronters laughing in scorn and spitting in disgust and snarling in hate and why, why why WHY are they like that, why do they still have so much POWER, how can we stop them?



We have work tomorrow. Dad got sick so we had two days off this week but no sleep as we still had to get up early for family work and errands, but no matter, it's good to help.

We do need to crack the heck down on taking care of ourself though which means that we need cash to buy healthy food, and we need Emmett and Aimee front-and-center tomorrow, God willing, we'll try.

It's a fight. It's an all-out war, minute by minute, Jewel at least recognized that. The fighting never stops, not with these horribly damaged and malevolent downstairs girls. It's exhausting, but there's nothing else we can do right now.

I'm Hope. I can't deny that. The word shines in my very bones. I need to live that.


It's 12:26AM, good Lord, let me post this and get our poor broken body to sleep.

We're still alive, everyone, God knows how, but I'm thankful for that. We still have a road to walk.



 






prismaticbleed: (worried)



december 10th

just some notes from today.
we haven't been updating (or sleeping) lately and that's not cool.


- GENESIS MAKES MEMORIES ACCESSIBLE.
He is the biggest level-linker, being our main ghoster, allowing for internal consciousness TO exist downstairs.
The awareness of this is striking. If Genesis is not in a memory, it's probably a social's memory, and it's probably incredibly shallow.
Genesis' presence in memories gives them depth and context and presence in time, because cognizance of him requires a conscious individual to front.
Notably, there are no college memories without him in them. If we "guess" at what it would be like without him, automatically the fronter turns to either Jessica/Jezebel or the proud "Jewel" (I don't remember if she had her own name found yet?).


- "proud" 2007 Jewel did not love Laurie; when you get to those memories it switches to CANNON. That proud Jewel remembers high school but not college. Tied to the above point, Cannon remembers college AND Genesis.
- Related; the "proud" Jewel DID talk in the early Xangas, but remember that they lumped Laurie in with Julie, considering BOTH of them "inner demons" and assumedly wanting them both gone. We have no idea if this person knew Lynne and Natalie or not; it seems like they were only aware of them in a "data" sense.
- The "proud" Jewel also did not interact with Q. That person was probably Jennifer, which meant that it was never romantic at all-- this is why "we" thought we were "in love" with literally all of our friends back then; Jennifer does not understand romance but she's so naïvely affectionate that she just assumes that's what it is. However she cannot be around people in a romantic context; SHE WILL SHUT OFF as that is NOT her function. She exists to be something like a maid or servant, someone who is just a helper, NOT a partner of any sort.


- Overload? responds to the given name by screaming "that's not my name;" she does not want that name to be ANYONE's because of how corrupted it is.
Overload was blurry for a while, BUT thank God we seem to have finally pinpointed her. The furious girl who wrote in the original white handwriting tablet is the SAME alter that was shouting at Laurie during the marker convo in 2013. We did refer to that person as Overload. There is also one recent xanga that included her and she was in a non-capslock state... mostly. She starts to switch later on. She is fully capable of talking "calmly" but her vibe feels strained. Nevertheless it IS her vibe. So the point here is, we now recognize her when she shows up... which is vital because there are other angry alters besides her and not all of them are nice, so we have to be extremely vigilant in watching for slippage. But Overload is really important and I am very thankful that we're working with her so frequently now, that she's talking to us and not just screaming from suffering all the time.
- We used to "slip up" with her name and call her "Overlord" sometimes, which still fit and that was disturbing at first. It's probably because she has such profound anchorage into Brown AND the social-alter group tied to the physical life script? So she's got MASSIVE influence in a realm that virtually no one else upstairs can even touch.


- Jennifer is NOT EVIL. She's the ultimate people-pleaser and she's sweet as pie but she cannot exist introspectively. Even when alone, sure she doesn't stop smiling (and it's sincere but very very naïve), but she is only thinking of how she's going to affect others. "What will I do for people when I leave this room?" She CANNOT exist internally because her entire existence is about being a pretty kind face for others. But she's NICE.
She's also tied to the "chestnut" hairstyle as it's just as cute as she is. I think she appears in a lot of photos like this?
- I cannot remember off-hand if we've been calling the "manic fandom babbler" social a name or not? HOWEVER i just found a note on the table that names her as JACKIE. and that name FITS. so remember that.


- Also, while I'm remembering it: in mass last week, lynne & josephina fronted! lynne actually tried to sing for a bit (she can still safely use our voice), which was lovely.

 


- therapy: mentioning how jay's "physical life" memories DON'T INCLUDE PEOPLE.
this seems to be a constant for the cores?? it was the same thing with cannon.

THIS is why we still think SLC and MU were utterly blissful places, despite the piles of angry entries protesting to the contrary. we aren't aware of any of that stuff.
most notably, we don't remember any people. in ALL our "real" memories downstairs, in which we are conscious, it's just us and the ghosters.




(I want to elaborate on this entry later; remind me guys)

 




prismaticbleed: (held)


I've been feeling rather existentially screwed-up lately?
I think it's because we've been letting our well-being completely fall by the wayside. For whatever reason, we just stopped caring about how we treated the body at some point? I don't know if it was post-surgery or what... but the past few months have been rougher than most, from how it feels. Memory is collapsing, health is kind of failing, and honestly we're scared.
We're trying hard to take little steps of improvement, but right now we're also fighting a monstrous wall of depression, shame, and sabotaging self-abusive habits, so those little steps are being taken uphill through a desert at this point.
Still. We won't give up.

Therapy on Monday was INCREDIBLE, from a progress standpoint. I didn't write about it here because it was literally a 40-minute infospill on everything we've been reading lately about RTS and purity/rape culture and how all that ties into our past traumas and current struggles, etc. It's complex but it's VOCABULARY that we've been trying to find for YEARS, like literally we can FINALLY talk about this stuff because there are words that fit it now, there are other people who experienced similar things and who put thoughts together in coherent ways we never would have considered.... you get the idea.
So progress IS being made. It's just tricky lately.

I'm trying to start the dream journal and diet journal again. Both help immensely with grounding and 'non-derealization,' if there's a word for that... they help us get a grip on existence, "hey I actually exist!" That sort of thing. We are uncomfortable with traditional "rituals" but it does help to have patterns. It helps to have solid reference points, threads of coherence, etc.
See I KNOW what to do. Just, right now, it is going to take IRON WILLPOWER to break past these hackers and their programming and all the nasty neglectful habits we've let develop, the same way mold grows, the same way trees rot. We need to just start taking care of ourselves better, more actively.

Doubt is slowly fading. Slowly. But it's fading. I don't know how to express how amazing that is.
Maybe it's because I'm reviewing the archives, remembering who we are/were, but... the reality of us, the honesty of us, is sinking in again. The brightnessof us. Us, seperate from the performances and presentations we cultivated online. We're remembering. I'm remembering.
We're shaking off the dust, we're really trying to.

In the meantime, the past two days have still been oddly off? I've been fasting too much and then panicking because we get sick and eating bad things. It's unhealthy, but I'm aware that it's happening. I just need to make sure we start ACTIVELY using coping methods, grounding skills, etc. We have the help we need. We just need to use it.

Today feels... sad? Like it's an interim feeling, but it's also a calm-before-the-storm feeling... rather, it's like the smell of ozone in the air, potent and buzzing, as the wind whips around you and thunder is rumbling through the mountains, but there's no rain yet. There's no rain yet, and you're running to your car, or to your house, and for a surreal nervous minute you are wrapped up in that whirlwind of almost, in that malestrom of imminence, caught in the tension where there is no time... that's what it feels like.
It's scary too, in that sense, like there's judgment looming and I'm afraid we're running out of time. In any case we ARE using our time unwisely, and I really should ask Cel to help me with that, I know she would. She always helps.
In any case, God knows we need a thunderstorm inside right now. We need the sheets of rain, we need the violet lightning...
But we're getting there. People are healing. People are remembering who they ARE, not who they've been told to be, or who they've allowed themselves to thoughtlessly become.

I've had two dreams this week with Hoopa in them and in both instances ze was directly tied to me somehow. I'm taking that as a good sign too.


So. That's all I have the spoons to type right now. I've been archiving the entire archives onto my laptop, so that's taken many many hours, and several computer crashes. My back hurts and my wrists hurt and my ankles hurt but I'm kind of laughing because God, I can feel that there's blue sky up behind those clouds, I just have to fly.

Therefore I'm just going to toss some System-related art at you because creativity is always good and I love us enough tonight to share this sort of thing.




First is the NEW/current Spectrum Star flowchart, as the last one we did was last July and is now incorrect.



I'm still not sure how correspondences work between colors (I was mapping it out earlier this year), but I'll take the time to revisit that line of thought again soon, if applicable.

Second, also in response to this entry, here's the current work in progress of Central.



I didn't get the chance to touch up the old pictures, but I will soon.
This is also poster-proportioned. So hopefully one day I can get this literally printed as one and put up on the wall in our room. Now we're REALLY unignorable, haha.


Also, you may remember that this was originally supposed to be done in this style, hence the current no-eyes look.
I was experimenting with quotes when we first started... here's the ones we tentatively chose.

 
 

Javier, Leon, and Nathaniel unfortunately don't have much actual dialogue recorded in the archives, so they aren't in those sets.


Speaking of Javier and Nathaniel, I drew these quick headshots as references for a beloved friend (you know who you are) and I don't think they were ever shared here?
  

Javier is really difficult to draw correctly; I'll have to do another picture of him because that one isn't quite correct.
Nat looks a little "buggier" than he does in that sketch (that was just for antennae purposes really). Mainly his eyes are bigger.
Waldorf looks PERFECT though, I am so happy just seeing that picture. Her hair does glow, remember, that's what I was quickly trying to portray there.



I also did three pictures of Infinitii, to show hir "mode changes" roughly.

 

 

Basically:
1) No face-mouth, all wing-mouths: safe to approach. "Feels like a church" mode. Energy is softer, but massive. Carries "creative" Black energy; risk of falling into.
2) No face-eyes, all wing-eyes: approach with caution. Energy is much sharper, "holy fear" sort of vibe. Carries "destructive" Black energy; unpredictable.
3) Face and eyes on both face and wings: the most overwhelming vibe, carrying both sides of Black energy. Completely safe to be around though, if you can handle it.

A rule of thumb is this:
Face-mouths show "negative" Black energy. Face-eyes show "positive" Black energy.
If Infi has NO mouths on hir, ze is completely consumed by the creative side of Black and IS dangerous to be around, although it may not feel like it (that's the danger).
If Infi has NO eyes on hir, GET OUT OF THERE. That's practically Tar-mode. If that's happening Infi is VERY unstable and honestly the System should be concerned.
If Infi changes hir color to be WHITE instead of Black, I have no freaking idea what that's about yet but it usually means that serious business is going down.



And here, have some closeups of the pixels for the original three System daemons.


 

Infinitii, Lethe, and we-still-don't-know, aha. We almost got hir name once, but no dice.
Chocoloco, Dendrite, Nexus, and Triad aren't in this set because I simply haven't gotten around to drawing them out yet.


Someone did try drawing a scene from this *incident* though. Very sketchy, I don't know when it was drawn or who did it, but I am fond of it so here.

 

 

Markus on the left, Ryman and the 2012 Jewel ("Cupid") on the right.



What else can I toss at you.

Oh yeah, this entry is all avatars I've been making at recolor.me and they're really cute actually.

I'm still trying to verify/ finish finding the Spectrum Symbols I mentioned a ways back... Black, Aqua, and Sky are being elusive. Everything else feels fitting right now.
Oh yes, and we have a logo. I'm not showing it to you just yet, I want to digitalize it and make it look lovely. I told you I want to "illustrate" at least some of our life, ideally in a webcomic format, to share with people who haven't/ can't/ would rather not read through the 1000+ pages here. Yes there really are that many dudes, if you've read them all then seriously you deserve some sort of trophy, that is amazing. Also humbling. We owe you a hug or something if we ever meet you physically, really.



Last but not least, here's how many pixel people we have so far.

 

 

About 70 more to go, haha. *sobs*
Not really; we currently only need pixel representations for people who talk in Xangas. But who knows! We all want to talk more, and the channels are open to anyone who wants to chat, so. I'll probably have to do at least 20 more of these at some point. But I'm not complaining; I love everyone and I'm really happy to see the completed art.



On that note it is 1AM and tomorrow is Thursday, I totally forgot. We have TWO therapy appointments and we really should go jogging in the morning before we end up sitting in a car all day. Gotta take those small steps, like I said. Just get the good habits going again.

I love all you readers, invisible or not, and thanks for being there.
May you have a lovely lovely night, and dreams to match.


 

030515

Mar. 5th, 2015 12:10 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

 


(extracted from another entry as it began to fragment out)

...Someone we love wrote about this too, lately. Creating things, and that drive to make something beautiful, to just allow all that to become. We're in that state now too, in and out admittedly, but I don't think it's going away now. We missed it too much, it welcomed us back with open arms, "just be careful, okay?"
And that's the thing about Mage Angels; there's so much pain and bitterness there, it's in Parnassus too, and vo!t@ge... there's a lot of scathing hurt scattered about. It does hurt to write sometimes, especially as the "author," the chosen observer who has to write it all down, but not interfere, at least not without being asked or without clear permission. I remember, "I" stopped writing vo!t@ge for a very long time because I couldn't bear watching a certain boy die. Whoever our core was then, their heart still aches terribly at the thought. But death is inevitable, for him, one way or another. So it is for many others who we can't forget. And then there are those who live in pain, one way or another.
But I know the feeling. I know the feeling. "Is this something I should be writing?" I love these individuals I write about too, with their mistakes and flaws and fears... but their stories hurt, bottom line.
I'm rambling, I'm so sorry. I don't want this to turn into platitudes. That helps no one.
Point is maybe I'm just a sparkle-eyed idiot but maybe that's my job, to love anyway, to shine light anyway, to see hope anyway. With Infinitii I've learned the value of darkness, of those broken and hurt and angry souls. Where would Parnassus be, if not for Delphi's sins, for Genesis' flaws? Mage Angels wouldn't even HAVE a message to give, if not FOR the amount of suffering it held even so. And Dream World, yes even there, I can name several people who have been less than bright. And yes, it hurts to write it all. I think it always will. But you're so right, it's all just as valuable as the good, I mean geez just look at these archives, that's been burnt into our brains again and again. Too much light is just as dangerous as too much dark. They each need the other to be fully realized and understood and appreciated, in this world.

 


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 01:13 am

 

 

Let me try to update a bit. Hello everyone.

(This isn't quite Jay, btw, not 100%. He's fogging in-and-out with what he's tied to. Jewel and the AP are also working at this. It's usually a jumble of those three, and a bunch of unidentified socials. Life's been somewhat tossed-about lately (not bad, just shaky) and that does mess up common fronters so we apologize.)


First things first, as this has been on my mind. There's a message in my inbox that I can't rightfully respond to yet because I didn't read the entry that preceded it. The therapists insists we do so before tomorrow as we are going to be discussing it in-session and I honestly have no clue what was written.
It was all one author, though, all one social author, which is rare. She's written before and she is strongly tied to Overload, but they appear to be subtly different. Both are Brown, and their energies are close, but it's distinguishable.
Most notably, Overload knows about "the Upstairs." She has interacted with us directly before, while the previous author has not. She's just now accepting us entirely, expanding her worldview to include us, consciously. That's big; ALL faceless voices MUST first feel and admit the existence of headspace, in order to gain faces and names, and in time, colors. Most people like that are Socials, though, who almost always come in as Brown at first due to strong links to the body's past (Brown deals with physicality), and the problem is that most Socials exist separate from headspace on purpose, due to the extreme danger a connectedness would have posed in the past: inner matters and outer matters did not blend for quite some time. We tried, sure, but it didn't work well or often. Even the few spotty memories we have from Spinny/Cannon's days in 2008 or so are sandwiched between huge gaps, big empty memory packs that the Socials dealt with and never passed onto us because they were cut off from us by their nature. They were "alters" too, but they weren't "headvoices." We're now realizing that there IS a difference. Therapy is teaching us stuff, making us ask questions and stop taking so much of ourselves for granted. "Downstairs" is still tied to us, via the body we reside in, and that's a relatively "new" concept in its entirety, one which we are still unfortunately struggling with on a daily basis.
Anyway what I'm trying to say is... a lot's been happening? Even if it's just small things, they're adding up. Which is surprising when we stop and look at it... it's all background work mostly, things significant and vital but small enough to be overlooked at first? We shouldn't be doing that either, but to be blunt, we're still recovering from the smothering apathy-doubt of 2014 and re-embracing headspace into our daily life is taking time, little steps forward. At least we're walking.

It hurts to type. I apologize. Our workspace is highly problematic right now and typing for extended periods of time is painful. Suffice to say, our desk/ laptop/ chair don't line up with each other, so. But we'll manage, we'll figure something out.


Last night I read the entirety of Paranatural again because I desperately needed a laugh, and because I needed to get a better grip on the concepts/ history/ etc. in it, with how serious the plot is becoming. I love that comic though; I will promote it every chance I get, haha.

I'm on the last Young Wizards book, at long last. I've had people compare me to one of the characters in this book before (he's autistic apparently) and I've just gotten to his introduction; so far the descriptions are thought-provokingly accurate. I'll keep you posted on that too; the concepts in this book series have strongly inspired me and I'll likely try to write an entry about it when I'm done.
...I never did write an entry for His Dark Materials, did I. I guess that felt too impossible, with how profoundly it affected me. I know I've written about those affectations, how they put deep roots into our psyche-- the daemons, the fruit, the gates-- but there was nothing solid and structured. Nevertheless I think I have notes on this computer. If not I'll just check the book out again, in the future. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed with data, there's too much reading, all the words are making this brain foggy.

Similarly, I didn't do much on Wednesday/Thursday last week, because someone spent two solid nights watching standup poetry on Youtube and we got terrible "style lag" from it. That's our superpower-slash-curse: if we become powerfully absorbed in some art form, some media creation, et cetera-- like the verbal structure of spoken poetry, the dialogue and art style of a comic, a musician's personal flair-- it will stick. For hours or more afterwards, we will be able to emulate that, but we can't control it. It runs amok, really. Last night I had to keep apologizing to headspace because everything looked like it was drawn by Zack Morrison. Last week, we couldn't even think without it turning into a stage delivery. Sure, we were able to write some really cool poetry as a result (it's in the works, I'll let you know when it's done), but the flipside was that I couldn't work in my own style, let alone think, as I said. So trying to recover from that kept us offline for the weekend, entirely so.
(Nevertheless there are a few poems I need to share with you guys, remind me to do so.)

Even worse, we've been trying to talk to people online, just randomly, trying to find local artists and musicians and the like in the hope of finding similar minds. It's... well, it's exhausting. It's one thing to find folks and send a line or two, "hey I heard you're into this creative thing too," et cetera, but remember we don't usually talk to people. No IMs, no steady stream of small messages, things like that. At first someone thought it was a "character flaw" I guess and decided we "should be talking to EVERYONE," and then when we actually started getting things in the inbox the reaction was... well, "dread" is the only word that works. Yeah, some of these people are really cool, and it's interesting to answer some questions, but for heaven's sakes conversation is hell. We're currently considering just abandoning all the talk, pulling a "French leave" and disappearing unannounced, completely. It's draining our batteries dead, honestly maybe this is something "wrong with us" but this attempt, one of many similarly failed attempts of the exact same sort, regardless of genuine effort... this has just proven that we just can't socialize. Is that bad? Does that make us a freak? What if we function better alone? What if we still want friendships, just those that don't force us to constantly chatter and message people? And I'm not talking about the one in our LJ inbox, that's perfect, that's the point I want to make here... that works. It works perfectly. We're just crushed by guilt for not being "normal" sometimes, which is frustrating.

We've been filling out a lot of job applications too, which is almost as draining as talking to people directly. There aren't many jobs in this area-- it's a small town, kind of in the boondocks; most of this area is trucking and factories. We've tried factory work, and the few bits of data we have from it are making us hesitang to try again. Fast-paced production, no room for mistakes or confusion caused by our sensory input problems... lots of noise, no light. It's not a healthy environment for us and honestly we can't function well like that, we wouldn't be helping anyone. So we try to swallow the weird shame and worthlessness we feel for "making excuses," and put in applications for store work. Cashiers, mostly-- everything else requires experience we don't have. We could handle stock work, we think, but can't find any local openings-- and location is key, as we don't have reliable transportation. Nevertheless we need money. We thank God every day that our grandparents are still living, and helping support us, because our "mother" has said flat-out multiple times that she would not do the same. Let's leave it at that. Bottom line though is that it's still hard to live on $70 a month for groceries when you're struggling with eating disorders. Lord knows we're trying, but it's not an overnight fix. Is it? Should it be? Is it even a matter of "iron willpower" at all? We're so used to saying "we only have problems because we weren't strong enough," that we get confused when someone tells us "grief is a normal process" or"anger is a normal reaction" or "what they didn't wasn't your fault" or "you need time to heal."
That's one bit in A Wizard Alone that stood out so far, actually. "...Some autistic people have trouble conceiving of anything existing outside the workings of their own minds. The concept of 'the other' seems to take a long time forming. That's part of why so many of them can't make or keep eye contact with other people..." I read that and just thought, "geez that's applicable." Especially that first bit, with reality-- that's been a constant our entire life, and we didn't realize it was unusual until we started reading stuff like this. I don't know if eye contact plays into it though? I've never really thought about that, maybe I should. We had to at our last therapy session, actually-- she started laughing during a monologue, I asked why, she said we were like a cat with a laser pointer. She pointed out that when she talks, and moves her hands, we watch her hands like a hawk. Our eyes follow every movement. I laughed at that, a little surprised, and then I remember that we instinctively stuttered out "hands are easier to understand than faces." That gave me pause, as I'd never had to "defend" that tendency before, and hearing that immediate response was intruguing. So there's that. Also though, looking at a face while listening is terribly overwhelming. There's too much stress. Not only is the attention deafening, it's also demanding-- I can either listen and understand your speech, or try to do all the little "social actions" that making eye contact usually accompanies. If someone's looking at me, they're usually expecting me to conform to a certain standard of "correct behavior" and I then have to guess what it is every millisecond. It's exhausting. Long story short, if I don't look at you, I can be an individual, I can listen and learn, I don't have to talk or smile or move a certain way. When I have to look at you, that all goes out the window. The only time I will comfortably look at someone in the eyes is, ironically, when I'm staring on my own agenda. If I don't have to listen to anything, but I think you have nice eyes, I will stare at them. But then I get confused and stressed when people start talking, or stare back, etc. You know what, I guess that is proof of the whole "no sense of otherness" thing! Because I expect them to just let me stare, that they're just some observable being that knows I'm just looking and will act accordingly. It's kind of upsetting when people react in unpredictable ways, then I don't understand what's happening and that's scary sometimes. It's when dissociation happens the most; socials or numbs will come in and basically just try to escape/end that situation as quickly and safely as possible.
I can't turn that off. I've tried, I've tried so hard to erase that sort of behavior from my psyche so I won't be a "freak" anymore, but I can't. What do we do, then? If we're doomed to be a freak, and we don't mind, but everyone else seems to... I don't know.
I'm just going to finish this book first and see if it helps more. All the other 5 books did in their own way, this one will too, I know it.


I am profoundly tired. I've been standing for about 5 solid hours, we rarely sit down anyway. But it wears you out.
At least we're slowly getting back into exercise. Just please, please don't ask about the yoga. That's such a messy topic, I don't even know where to start, or if we should talk about it.
Yes, it's cool if you look at it like a maintenance thing, a logical thing. Move the body a certain way, and you cause muscles and organs to move in ways that are beneficial, etc. It's like a science that way. But when we get these books, there's so much talk, so much language that feels too much like the passive-aggressive orders of our childhood for comfort. Which is upsetting, because we want to do these exercises, but that kind of wording elicits a lot of "empowering rebellion" actions from young faceless alters. Angry kids who want a say in their own life for once, and who are now bitterly heartbroken because you demanded they do something they wanted to do on their own. Now, if they do it, you'll patronize and/or control them even more. It's uncomfortable and really I'm happier just doing intuitive stretches and things. This body knows how it wants to move; problem is I often can't figure out how to get it to move a certain way. Ironically the yoga books don't help much. Too many of the poses are currently impossible for us, which tends to cause a lot of existentially spiritual terror, the old kind, the "if I can't do this does that mean I'm flawed? will I be damned for not being able to do your damned stretches??" Basically, if yoga really is this "perfect exercise" that promotes spiritual growth and miraculous healing and the like-- something we can grasp through the "scientific" perspective, sure"-- but we can't do a lot of the exercises, does that make us some sort of demon? Does our reticence mean we're evil, and giving in to that evil out of laziness?
Let me tell you, we tried. We ended up sobbing on the living room rug for an hour from how helpless and scared we felt. First, we still can't kneel on our left foot, it won't bend that way. Second, our hips have clunked and popped since elementary school, and although we'd love to fix that, it makes a LOT of the yoga poses impossible because our legs will literally jam. Third, our hypotension makes it terrifically painful to lay on our back in most situations, or to stay upside-down for long in any position. The intense skull pressure is unbearable and it causes lingering pain. We can't get around that either, at least not yet. And that's the kicker-- yoga effectively promises that if you do it, all those problems will melt away. And God I HOPE so, but we're going to have to find a way around half the poses you're giving us first. Oh yes, and fourth-- there are a lot of poses that we cannot do simply because the amount of internal screaming they elicit is awful. That in turn drags up huge amounts of self-loathing and inadequacy, "if we're afraid of these poses it means we're broken and wrong and evil," etc. etc., all harmful language but it's because we're afraid it's true.
There hasn't felt like there's much "wiggle room" for the mentally ill in modern spiritual communities. We've reached out but don't get any real support. When we do, it's typically of the sort we've admittedly shouted about here in the past-- the sort that effectively hand-waves away the existence of negative things, the too-bright sort. What hurts is that we know they're good people, we feel that, we know the advice is given with the best intentions... but it's not always the best advice for us. That is a very, very difficult thing for us to accept sometimes... the fact that we have our own needs and can assert them. We're used to other people telling us what we need, or don't need, and why. But that's all just orders. It's not what we feel. And that's valid. We're learning, it's a truth that takes time to step into.


This is getting so tangled. That's what happens with stream-of-consciousness typing, and people jumping all over the page to write. You're never sure who wrote what, or when, or in what order. It gets foggy.

There were lemons on sale for 75 CENTS A BAG the other day, at the store. I bought six bags. I already had two at home. Absolutely worth it. (I will drink them all, just watch me.)
Anyway we used three of those lemons to make a lemon meringue pie with the grandmother this morning. The filling has the coolest texture ever but we can't eat it because of eggs and butter and sugar. But it's pretty.
It's been snowing lately and that's pretty too, which broke my heart because today I was staring out the window at the trees against the white, and I thought, "winter is almost over. My favorite season, and where have I been to see it?" We've been so disoriented this winter, what with the surgeries and the personal stress. It's hard to remember anything, and there's sick sad vibes clinging to much of it. It's hilarious though... the bit of time in October or so, those few weeks when we played Dishonored while the leaves were falling outside? We don't remember anything but the game, and walking outside with the wind and the leaves and this stuck in our head. It's all so positive, so gorgeously vivid, that game put down some beautiful roots and I am so so so glad for it. It painted the autumn beautiful this year, the first autumn I can remember, ever... I'm so happy we had that light, that massive light, between the missing summer and the confused winter.
Now it's March and I don't know where the past 2 months went but I'm trying. It's Lent and we're trying, ironically now we're trying too hard and messing up. Every Lent we tend to take on 5, 6 tasks for self-improvement but then we take on a "no mistakes allowed" mindset and if we aren't instantly perfect on Ash Wednesday we feel like a moral failure. It's a very unhealthy habit but it's an old one. Again, time, and recognition.
At least there is another big light on the horizon. Somehow, Saint Patrick's Day has a lot of positivity tied to it from childhood, although we have no memories of it at all. Part of it is all the GREEN, it's gorgeous. And part of it is, oddly, the fact that the word "Irish" is one of our favorite words sensory-wise, not only are the consonants very soothing but the word itself is synaesthetically green! So that's super nice.
But that's not even the best of it. EASTER IS COMING. Every year Easter is incredible, both dark and light, I can't wait. I cannot put into words the amount of sheer magic tied to Easter for me personally... actually that whole period from Palm Sunday on. It's deeply introspective, rich with wonder and woe alike, colored with violets and daffodils and lilies as well as with thorns and blood and broken wood. The church we go to, it's so beautiful, every Holy Week the light comes in through the windows and paints the place gold... God it's gorgeous. I should take pictures this year.
And oddly, oddly. I don't know why, and I don't know when, but there is one memory from childhood we have about Easter that just paints everything. We were young, it was spring, it was drizzling outside, the sky was grey but it was so bright and everything smelled like spring... the bluet flowers were coming up in the yard, the muscari were blooming on the hills, the lilies were everywhere in the church. God just the smell of the flowers, with the light rain and the high silver skies and that light, green-smelling wind... in my backyard, on the road, wearing some sort of little dress and throwing my arms up to the air and breathing it all in... it felt like the beginning of a book. The world was bursting with about-to-be, with the promise of new adventure, with imagination and wonder and joy. That feeling, THAT feeling, that IS Dream World to me.
...And you know what? I first started writing the original "book" form of it on March 5th 2000, right before Lent began. I'm not surprised.
Geez, I... even thinking about that, it makes me so happy. I needed that. I felt very out-of-sync today and the daily grind has been beating me down lately, so suddenly tapping into that pastel-bright bliss of childhood was exactly what my heart needed.

There was a light-river in the living room the other day, the kind Maitru used to chase when I was a kid, and she and the other Guardians had semi-anchor plushies. So much joy there. But I ran right up to the little river and for a second time hadn't changed, for a second everything was right in the world and I could do anything, everything was limitless. Feeling that so genuinely, so fast... inside, I'm still reeling a little, but with incredible boundless excitement. It's still there. ALL of it, it's still there, I can tap into it, it's not broken or gone or tainted! At all! I should have guessed, at Christmas, that one evening Jewel just watched the tree for an hour, all red and gold, and got right back into the story flow... nothing was lost. God I was so scared the hackers had touched it, had ruined it somehow. They tried, we all know they tried. But they failed, spectacularly. Nothing was broken. I don't know how to put into words just how happy I am at that. It's like a sunrise in my chest, like a golden sunrise.

Oh, I should mention. I'm painting shirts again, finally! I have limited paint colors to work with but hey, it's making me draw. I have 3 shirt designs sketched out so far, but at least 6 more to go... once they're all drawn onto the fabric, I'll spend a few days mixing up the paints and actually doing the shirts, so they can all dry together. I'm staying with minimal color palettes to make that easier, picking easy people to color too. Yes I'm doing a bunch of Leagueworld shirts, it's making me so happy. I'll show you them when I'm done!


It's weird, but nice. Lately my optimism and sparkle-eyed outlook has been deepening to twilight hues around the edges. Technically it's catching shadows, but the word I keep wanting to use is that it's softening. It's mellowing out. Feels a little ironic, to say that about a decrease in the brightness level, but look at a kaleidoscope. You need a great deal of dark for those to work, as well as a great deal of light. I like that analogy.
This is me though, this is my native level, this balance. It's me, just like the ones I love, a paradox just like our earliest ones called themselves. It never changed, really. I remember one of us, riding a bus home from New York with their head tired against the cold glass, Anna Molly playing over their headphones as they watched streetlights and trees swift away in the dark. It's a beloved memory, however sad its edges may be, because of the wonder that surrounded it, that was held within it nonetheless. And so that person, too, was a pardox, was an anomaly. They couldn't see it then, but they were two opposites at once, as they wished to be... two seemingly contradictory things, coexisting. That's life, at its heart, and that's us, too.

I had the physical bed to myself for 3 days this week, so of course I took that as an opportunity to let the late-night overlays go full force (kind of helped by the fact that we were up working until 2AM all three of those days). Long story short, what that means is that this is the first time since SLC that I've literally fallen asleep and woken up beside Chaos, and been tangibly aware of it downstairs. Which was really, really lovely.
God I missed him. I've missed everything about and around him.
I have to say though, I am ridiculously happy that THIS is a thing that is happening. Chaos has wholeheartedly agreed to switch his anchor plush when I get one, because his old one is like 6 years old now and it's loveworn to death. I'm just laughing because I keep thinking of this dream and I keep having to remind myself that I will probably not wake up and find such a new plush in my mailbox already. But I can dream, pun intended.
(still, "totally out of left field" my tail; with all the love I've sent his way over the years this sort of thing was inevitable dude)
Oh, and please watch this video, I don't know how I found it but I could not stop smiling while watching it. It's like if Sonic Inversion had actually been made into a game, thats what it reminded me of. Chaos being able to run, going Super (which is GORGEOUS; also I had to pause it and stare for a minute there to make sure that wasn't the Ruby), driving a freaking car, the whole shebang. And then there's the fact that he does Sonic's victory dance at the end and somehow it still works and geez, it's like 2005, like the Outspacer days all over again. Sorry for slipping back into that style of speaking but that's what it feels like, that boundless joyful freedom of those early days, that even he tapped into entirely. I have a lot to say about that but not tonight, it's too late in the evening.

One last thing, this is extremely important and I keep forgetting to say it.
Glissando-- one of our past cores, she was with Cannon for a while and wrote most of our music from 2009-- is still alive. She came through the other day shockingly clear, and WITH a color (which was probably why). It's a violet hue. Something close to this, really. For a musician, that struck me as unusual. Violets are usually protectors of some sort. But then it hit me; she is; she protects that sort of sheer musical creativity, something no one else seems to be able to reach or corrupt for that matter. So I'm very glad she's still alive. I'll have to get her to finish the LG*Girls OST soon.
Also, another E.D. voice has "manifested." I have to thank Cel for that. Last week we were all just experimenting with "who can actually eat non-green foods without being shoved out by the Destroyer or one of the abusive socials" and basically no one could; Emmett can only eat green and Fig seems to have demanifested. But then Cel stepped in and SHE could?? Which shocked us, until we remember she had bloodline ties so she predated the eating disorder severity to an extent. Nevertheless it wasn't her job, so although she could do it, it was still "weird" for her and she didn't want to mess up her anchor or anything. So that's how it was for a week or so, with us trying to get a grip on what faceless people were on that level... and then on Tuesday, Xenophon showed up ghosting thinking I was in the body, but I can't eat so it was someone else. Upset, she interrogated them about that (as usual) and demanded they tell her who they were, and what they were doing, and why. She got an answer.
Their name is Leena. They are a LIME voice (something like this?), faceless yet, feeling semi-humanoid, nongendered with a female pronoun bias. Once we got the name we were able to tune into a vibe, so now we can identify her when she's out. But yes, she is the missing link we were trying to find-- the Downstairs voice who eats, and semi-destroys, without being angry or crushed with shame or guilt. The Destroyer doesn't eat, or taste things, or enjoy the process at all; she just destroys stuff. Leena seems tied to the obsessive texture-mangling thing that can lead to destruction if taken too far, but which nevertheless makes a lot of edibles a lot easier/safer eat than they would be otherwise. It's complicated and I apologize, but this is extremely relieving news. We now have TWO safe eaters (Leena and Emmett). That is big. So we're happy about this. We'll have to see if we can get her upstairs, to find her face; then she can work with Spice and Emmett in person. If not (we don't know if going upstairs would mess up her function?) then hey, we're glad she exists nevertheless.

...But that's something about Xenophon that amazes me, and everyone else really. She seems to be able to talk to ANYONE, on ANY level of this body-system, Upstairs or Downstairs and everything in-between. That's unprecedented. Even if they're faceless and/or nameless and/or abusive, as long as they are able to detect someone ghosting, she can talk to them-- even when Genesis can't. She has a different sort of aura, something less focused, something more all-inclusive.
...It's making me wonder about the whole "bridge the gap" thing again. Maybe it wasn't "my" job. Maybe it's hers. She never saw a gap in the first place.



...It is snowing beautifully outside right now. I just hope that doesn't affect our therapy appointment tomorrow, we need that.
I wish I had a temperature-insulated bubble or something (hey Infi) so I could go outside and just run around in this weather, at this hour. It's gorgeous. Snow and streetlights are also one of Cannon's (?) few positive archived memories, back from the IJ days. They're just always a sign of peace, of a sort of transcendence to the environment, something deeply more than our daily troubles... nighttime is like that always, but add in the ethereal snow, the glow of the roads, and you have something so heavenly and alien it lifts your mind right out of the rush.
I think I'm going to go stare at it a bit. I'm very very tired and it's 12:24 AGAIN (that number is a reminder for creative effort to me at least, and I keep seeing it so yes I will take the hint).


I hope this entry is coherent. I'm starting to get the icy-lungs feeling which means sleep is mandatory right now, or else.
I wish you all well.

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Just a brainspill to pass the time.

It's only 11PM and I am so tired, spiritually so. I'm just going to go to sleep. I didn't sleep well at all last night, I woke up about 8 times and kept having nightmares. The one I remember... I was trying to steal cereal from a store? I didn't have money and was trying to sneak it out, but my bro and his girlfriend were there, and they kept following me and staring at me. I got so upset I gave the cashier my money and just left all the groceries, I didn't want the guilt of having them now. But when I left they followed me, I ran but they cornered me in some dark corner of the cellar, where I was hiding behind a sheet of metal. I was holding a rusty axe to my throat with tears running down my face, wanting to die but wanting those two to leave and being exhausted and being scared of the pain. They found me and all I know is that Laurie took over, beautifully brutal, and I swear the dreambody actually switched to hers. She got us out of there. That's all I know and that's comfort enough.
She didn't say anything about the axe. I understand why.

I cannot remember the last time I genuinely laughed or smiled, and that is frightening and heartbreaking.
'Tuning in to bliss' or whatever isn't working because that term got disrupted somehow. Wrong word now, it's sad. And so much 'happiness' is emotionless now. I can't remember how to feel emotions. Things are too numb. I told the therapist, I forget what she said. I think it's a coping mechanism or something. Moral corruption. "Good people don't rebel, don't have opinions, don't judge." So I don't judge anything as happy or sad or good or bad, I just sit here and let life wash over me like bleached foam, I remember when that used to be ocean water, that was a long time ago.
Not allowed to feel. It's false. Feelings aren't real. Who put this into my head. Who put it there, who taught me this, is it right?
I'm tired of listening to aliens and angels and false prophets and angry gods. I'm so tired of being terrified to question their whims and orders and chiding and coddling. Leave me alone. Maybe that will condemn me to hell but I cannot freaking function when you won't stop whispering into my ears. It's too loud, I can't see. I can't live. Is that what you want?
The worst demons are the ones that look just like angels, and all the evidence supports that too. The devil quotes Scripture for his own purposes.


I am so damn tired. I want to stay off the Internet for all of November. Especially Tumblr. That place is so toxic. Toxic toxic, poison. Not worth the effort and time. The people I care about there can still see me here. I need to leave that place for a while, heal my head. Our head. That differentiation is important. Things have been so vague lately.


I bought squash today. It's comforting to cook, to cut apart and separate after. I need to do things with my hands, disassembling, to calm down often. Just taking things apart, organizing pieces into piles, moving them around again, making different groups, over and over. People think it's weird but it helps so much. I spend 5, 6 hours in the kitchen every day now because the only thing I can shred and compartmentalize is food. I don't eat it. I just move it around really. I need to buy a box of things that I can do this with instead, get out of the kitchen, there's too much noise and people in there and that just feeds the stress cycle. I'll think of something.
I thought of making a stimming box or something. Like pieces of different textures, little things that make sounds, pretty clear plastics and glossy bits and colors. Maybe. But I don't like so many material possessions. I'm cleaning things out the way it is. Less and less.

On that note I might be homeless soon. Sorry I didn't say so sooner. I don't like thinking about it because it's existentially disturbing on some level, not knowing how we'd take care of ourself on our own right now, where will we get money for safe food and transportation and things. I don't like to think about it. Positive, positive. We need to focus on the positive. We CAN do this, we have the power, we've done it before. But I haven't laughed in weeks and I only smile at night and I'm so tired, I want more alone time, I want a place in this damn house where I can dissociate for three hours and NOT be hacked or otherwise mangled, I want to be able to go into headspace without smelling the old blood and feeling the lightning buzz in the air. I'm tired. We're tired.

At night it's better. At night there's hope. I think. They said hope was sinful, a vice, a false thing to lead you astray. Is it?
If it's not, if hope keeps you walking towards better days, let us have it. Stop telling us hope is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Is it? It hurts to think about.
At night there's hope. E told us of a dream ze had about Chaos, the other day. I haven't stopped thinking about it. The night before ze told us, we had been so sad, and he was there to comfort us. We didn't say or do anything and we didn't move, too tired. That was okay. He said he'd be there, and didn't push the issue, didn't make us do or say anything different. Thank you. Too many people outside did the opposite. I want my mind to be full of the better options, of respect like that. And the next morning ze told us of the dream and I just looked at that message, "of all days to hear that," and I keep thinking of it.

There's blood all over the legs and it's odd, I don't know when it got there. I don't know who put it there and when. Back to the dissociative days I guess. At least there was retribution, that at least keeps things moral and holy, that at least fights the demons back.

I think I'm forcing myself into too much of a box. I think my life needs to be more abstract. Art is so draining now, except when I just do swirls of color and things. Drawing concrete solid forms makes my head hurt and my eyes want to cry. Why? Is that because of college? We've heard of some systems being unable to draw people because of abuse memories. But I don't want to be ruled by that, those days are over. Except the family keeps triggering us so bad. Except Jeremiah was out again last night, trying to protect the children from errant blind bodies outside. It's so sad, to not know anyone here who can talk to us, who can listen to us.
If I had money I would just play with creative things. I'd buy beads and fabric and gems and stuff and just make things. I think. I'd like to try. I'd buy little canvases and do paintings like Cannon used to, just broad swathes of gouache and watercolor and glitter. Inkblots! We actually made so man inkblots, we love them, we want to sell them but how? We'll put them on etsy maybe. Love inkblots. That's the sort of art I LIKE to do, is that okay? Does that make us less of an artist? If we like weird fragmented hazy ideas and things. Is that less? Does that count of art?
Music too. Handbells, so many. Cellos. A piano. Thumb pianos. Bells! Like church bells, a choir. Metallophones. Timpanis, for those lovely drum rolls. The back of a piano, those open strings. Wood, wooden sounds, percussion. Just play things into a microphone and layer it, build on it, let it flow. The symphonies in our head slowly taking shape. A flute, an english horn, an orchestra. Sweeping notes and feelings, can we hire an orchestra? That would be so cool. But abstract, that too. We need a microphone. Step one. Get one and we can start.
Is this why I can't "write a book?" Because the structure, the linear-ness, is hard for me to understand? Again, does that make me flawed? If other people get frustrated with me, if I inconvenience them? "The customer is always right." "There's no market for your work." "We can't sell this." What do I do? I'll still have these idea waterfalls. But how to sort them... like the squash, like the pieces of things, circuitboards. Not puzzles, that's one-option-only. Set outcome. I just like taking things apart and putting them into a new order I thought of, something nice. It's what I'm trying to do with typecodes. I need visuals. It's easier that way. What am I saying.
I'd love to write a book but I've never seen a linear story. I see bursts here and there, maybe only a handful of actual 'events.' Everything else is data, is "knowing," is intuitive. That makes it hard to draw people too, I don't "see" so many of them, but I know what they look like... I've said that before. And I know what they are like, too, even if I've never seen them act as a person. It's hard to put into words, into a book, that sort of imagination and things. I wonder what other options there are. I'll find out.

I might be homeless soon. Don't think about it. I have to.
The mother disowned us, that we know. The father might let us stay with him for a month or two tops. He did before, in 2010, we don't remember. He got really really mad though, impatient with our difficulties in the long term. Understandable. Brother is not safe, especially not with the girlfriend. Not safe at all.
Grandfather does not want us here. Grandmother "needs us" currently BUT the second she discovers we are trans*, we will be on the streets. I am trying so so hard to hide this, it's making me sad and paranoid and that is feeding this numb depression. "Don't feel anything." Don't exist. Now the body is changing, scary in some ways, so scary, but now it doesn't look or sound like her. That's a godsend. We will take that. But... no one can know. Except we can't hide it. There's hair on the face, the voice is breaking. People keep asking. Everyone is asking. People suspect. One day it will be unavoidable. And in this family, who still holds ancient prejudices, where will we be? Not in it. Gone. I wish it were otherwise. But it's not safe here anyway.
To live on our own... should we? To have one friend there, or two, would be nice. Company is good, to keep track of time, to keep us from dissociating and forgetting to eat or bathe or move for too long. To help us function on bad days. It would be ideal. Does that make us weak? Does that make us manipulative? They said we were, we don't want that happening again. Ssh that's over forever, done with, thank goodness. Memories are dripping away now, almost gone, free to go.
Where would we go. Looking at other states, better rent prices, better rights for LGBTA+ people, et cetera. Nice weather, lots of trees. Thinking of somewhere in New England maybe, just ideas. Or a bit below us. Not too far at first, of course. But away from here, where we are shackled to the past. SLC showed us how blissful that was at least, no one knowing who drove this body before, the freedom to BE. That feeling stayed. Stays. That's a nice thing that we want again, once the body is changed enough. A new start.
We'll do this, we can do this, here's some hope, it's nice. One step at a time.

It's 11:30. We really want to go to bed at 10PM every day, that's the truth. We get so tired. But we force ourselves to stay awake, because it's at least quiet at night. We want to get up early and have sunlight, but then it's not quiet. We want to go out and do morning jogs again, to have lovely quiet slow mornings, to take the daytime to create and work. We don't want to struggle with fatigue every evening just to have peace. Hm. We'll try again tomorrow.


This is a jumble... tomorrow is Thursday. We'll have to sleep in then. The grandmother is cleaning, Overload will lose her mind. The sensory overload is hell. It's only one day a week, only one day. We'll deal. The vibe is so so bad but we'll deal. Maybe we'll go outside.
I can vacuum though, I love vacuuming it's fun, we could do that all day. And we do need to clean this room more, organizing all the books, lining everything up in straight rows on the shelves. That's good too. Then when it's all done we will... cook... a tiny kabocha squash. It's so small. I will take a picture of it for you it's great. The farmers didn't know how to cook them actually, we got to tell them how when we bought them, it was so nice. They listened and were happy to hear it. It's like a sweet potato. You can eat the skin, it's the best part. Kabocha squash. It tastes like a cucumber egg sometimes, it's great.

OH I promised you guys autumn pictures and I FOUND the camera but I could only get three pictures because it rained and most of the leaves fell. Here look.



Okay we have to sleep. She won't stop talking to us in that scary scary way and I want to cry. I want to tell her to stop but then she'll get mad and spite us for the next day or two, she doens't understand. but i want it to stop or at least i want to be numb enough to not care
see this is the problem, what is it? what is the problem? we are the problem, for having a problem
that's nonsense, it's a lie
no it's not
sorry. sleep


A positive note? Um, oh, I tried writing music again the other night. Just ideas. I got something! I'll try to work on it more later. Parnassus and Rosewindow stuff actually. I wish I had more sounds to work with though. Ah well, we do what we can.

I just realized Xennie might still be awake so I'm going to go wish her a good night too, bye everyone~




prismaticbleed: (held)

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.



(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:


AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:


SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:


OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:


BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:



JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:



PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.


RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'



LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:


KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:


JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;


SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:



MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.


NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:


EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.



MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?


DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:

(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:

(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:

Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but

(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:

(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:


KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:


JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:


EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'

Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal


MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:


RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:


CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.


CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.


INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste:
rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.


CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


 

 

badthouhts

Feb. 14th, 2014 04:19 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 


 

Emotional rape is a thing. Okay? It is a thing. It happens.
Rape is defined, most commonly, as "the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." But it is also defined as "forceful seizure, plundering, robbery, extortion," as well as "to violate and defile."
Do you understand what I mean? And I'm asking myself, first and foremost. I keep glossing over my most terrifying experiences because "well, not all of them involved forced sexual contact"… guess what? That's not the only damn definition of rape.

I'm empathic or something, okay? And it is terrible sometimes. I am very sensitive energetically, to the point of physical incapacitation at its worst. Yes, I love people, but I HATE that so many of them make me feel utterly violated just from standing nearby. I'm so damn open and trusting at my heart, that if someone around is giving off bad vibes, so to speak, it's going to feel like rusty nails or grabbing hands or something even worse, LITERALLY so, and how do you explain that to people? How do you say, "well they never literally touched me, but whenever I'm around them it feels like merciless molestation." Because it DOES and it is HORRIFYING and I don’t know how to get help.
This is why we need a new sleeping situation. We NEED one, dear God do we ever need one.
Marigold keeps screaming. We know it's her. Even if we can't see her face, the shrieks that cut through the night are the color of pollen, the color of weeds at the side of the road that choke and stifle your lungs in the stolid autumn air. It's ragweed, not a flower. At her best, yes, she would be the bright color of those happy blooms that lined the streets in SLC, the moments we missed, the color of pretty things in spring. But right now her screams feel like weeds suffocating. And we always know it is her. And it breaks our hearts.
Minty used to be our sleeper, that's why we still cuddle a Care Bear when we lie down, to keep that connection to her. But she gets so annoyed with the sleeping situation, she can't relax much. At least she isn't triggered. Thank God.
There was another little boy, once, who tried to sleep. But he's since faded.
Jay, really, is our main sleeper. He only truly exists in solitude, in headspace, in quiet moments and peace. But there's a lot fighting his very existence. "Don't do that," the bad voices say, when he tries to be affectionate, when he tries to re-enter headspace, when he tries to think about loving others. "Don't do that. It's wrong. It's distasteful." And, "you're a fag. You're a whore. You're a slut." I won't repeat the other things they say, they're horrible. And THOSE cause huge body shakes and trmors too, from the force of their words and shouts and awful physical manipulations, it's scary because they can literally cause us to feel things that are AWFUL and what can we do? We can only run. But Jay has a few safe spaces left to run to, if he can get to them safely. It just makes our daily life very spaced out, we spend most of it in our own head, the world of open eyes and physical objects can be far too damaging to deal with some days.
But Jay is the one who lies down at night. He says good-night to his boss, and talks to Laurie and CZ and maybe Infi before letting go and falling right asleep. But it's a loving environment. It's very safe, and the people are caring, and he is totally open and sharing.
And even now, in saying that, the bad voices are glaring with hate and disgust and condemnation. "You're a f*cking faggot!" Is what they say, when Jay smiles and tries to hold someone. Even just affectionately. They always guilt-trip him for it. "It's filthy," they say, "filthy and wrong. You're f*cking disgusting. Look at you. Just like a f*cking animal." Again I won't repeat the things they say. But they are saying this about childlike affection, and about mature love, come on you KNOW there is NOTHING WRONG with expressions of love because it's LOVE. And the bad voices still spit and hiss and make faces of hate at us. Go away.
Anyway. Jay is the most open of us all. He is the most loving of us all when he is allowed to be his complete self, him and Infi, because they are both rooted in that. But… it's difficult for them to exist sometimes.
At night. The sleeping situation. It is very bad, and I think it is what is making Jay so sad and closed-off to people. He sleeps with another triggering person in the bed. It is not his choice, or his fault. But she doesn't always touch. That is rare thankfully it is scary and bad, lots of people crying about that in the background, "don't remind us," I'm sorry but we need to acknowledge that maybe we can heal it? I don't know. But even when she does nothing, it is the presence, the sounds, the movement. And it is scary. The energy she gives off it is BAD feeling. VERY bad feeling.
And since Jay is trying so hard to be a good person during that time, but he'll get hurt by her either energetically or physically, it sticks. And then he can't be nice to people without that being reminded of it all the time. What do we do?


"Sexual assault is not defined by how violent an act is; some assaults are extremely violent, and others may be less aggressive. How fierce the attacker is, is not the point. The point is whether you had given voluntary consent for the type of treatment you experienced. Consent means that you were in the right state of mind, permitted to make choices without fear, and with a full understanding of the type of treatment you were agreeing to. If you were not allowed these conditions and choices, then someone mistreated you."
…I didn't know all that counted towards consent. I thought that as long as I ended up saying "yes" it was consent. That's what the word means, right? I didn’t know that fear, or misunderstanding, or being in a bad state could make the "yes" into a real "no." But isn't it funny? I never, ever actually said "yes." I said "no" a lot. But the word doesn't mean much if people don't listen. Maybe other people said yes. I don't know. I'm sick. I don't want to think about it.


Maybe I'm too damn weak. Maybe that’s all it boils down to. I never grew the sort of horrid metal shell that the world seemed to demand of me, and was left walking around the world with all my vulnerable parts exposed, getting pierced and bleeding everywhere whenever someone so much as bumped into me. Because even that hurts like hell.
Isn't that a disgusting word. "Vulnerable." Part of it is the consonant structure. The other part is the meaning. It's tied to those stupid, horrid, ugly parts of the body, that we keep hidden for God knows what reason. Yes it hurts when you touch them. It hurts so much we'd rather die. But we'd much sooner hand someone a knife and tell them to cut those parts off, to cut those ugly bits out. Get rid of them. Then we won't be "vulnerable" anymore, not in that stupid-ass f*cking disgusting sense. Real vulnerability is emotional and has nothing to do with sex, has nothing to do with victimization, has nothing to do with attackers and trauma and bloodied metal getting sliced into pink places. And I hate, hate, HATE when people talk about being open and vulnerable like it has to do with this godforsaken body, all curves like it's going to smother you alive. I hate curves. I HATE them. I hate them, they're horrible, I want to cry just thinking about them. She had SO MANY of them, looking at her was like asphyxiating, I know it wasn't her fault and I'm sorry for being afraid of her but she told us, "how dare you," how dare you think and say that about me, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you looked just like everything we were terrified of, was that my fault? Is it my fault she was hurt? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe people like me caused it I'm sorry.
Stop thinking like that. Stop. Give it no attention. Not like that.

Femininity, in the physical sense, is poison. You have probably guessed.
We don't know exactly why, but the idea of a female as protective and caring never happened for us. For us, females were manipulative, overpowering, and dangerous, often violently so. Females would hurt you if you did not bend to their whim. Females called the shots and told you what to do, when to do it, and how. Say no and they would hurt you. But the biggest fear was when they acted nice, and they still FELT dangerous.
That's what we mean by the… emotional assault thing. Like it's silly on the outside, but for us it's problematic and scary and sad.
We feel things too easily? Like if someone is really mad but not showing it, and they walk by us, we will feel that and react. Like it hurts a LOT and some of us get very scared and cry, some panic, some scream and want to get out of there. And that person will look at us bad, like "what are you doing?" angry, "if I do not like what you are doing you will be in trouble." That is what the feeling feels like, when they look at us, like we are on the spot. Are we in danger? I don't know. But that person feels so very dangerous we don't want to be by them at all.
That is why none of us like being in the body at night especially. The bed is dangerous, SO dangerous, I want to cry, thinking we have to go there every night.
Every damn night. That horrible woman is there and I hate her. Why? I know she's never done a damn thing to hurt me in THAT way. If she did I'd kill her, and I don't think I could help it, even if I hated myself. That would be the last straw. But she's come DAMN CLOSE, and you people know it. You're talking about emotional rape? Have you mentioned all the times she utterly disregards personal space to do so? The touching in utterly inapproproiate places, with her not realizing that IS highly inapproproaite and triggering? Have you mentioned the horrible sounds she makes? Even if those are unintentional. But we've heard too many similar sounds in lethal situations. I guess that's a bad example. But the radiation she gives off, it's toxic. She's hateful and angry. And I HATE-- I hate hate hate, I f*cking hate it, God, I HATE IT when she looks at me. I fucking HATE WHEN SHE LOOKS at me it's horrible. I don't know how to explain it. It's like she's violating us with a stare. Like that look is a condemnation. It's proud and it's spiteful and it's like dripping poison. But sharp. Like she took a spider made of sharp edges and shoved it into our ribcage, writhing and piercing. That's how horrible it feels. And then she watches us, with that FACE, watches us, and waits for us to respond in kind. F*CK YOU. I won't play your f*cking hatred games. Leave us alone.

We dnon't like speeking in the bed because she is there and she fels angry and bad sa.d like we cant sleep because too loud noise from her energetically
It's not right. It's not even tied to you guys in that respect.
Some of us do. All right? I don't know what happened to cause it, but some of us DO hold very explicit sexual abuse memories so lying in bed next to a woman is NOT the safest place in the world, you know. I don't feel safe there either. I know she has clothes on but it doesn't feel like it. I feel trapped there, pinned down by blankets, with this woman ready to violate me entirely at any second. I'm scared, and I'm so so sorry that the children feel some of that too. Marigold screams. I don't know what to do. David doesn't want to wake up anymore. The mother hurt him somehow. I know if you had to share a bed with the mother you would get up and leave the room and go cry somewhere until your lungs hurt. I know.
You won't talk about the triggers, those should be mentioned. We will have to bring this up in therapy nevertheless. The mother is an absolute collection of triggers, so to speak, for reasons I cannot quite place. Was it all proximity to Julie? Why do I have no memories of that stored in the data logs? Either way that is not the topic at hand, I apologize.
I also apologize, again. I cannot list the triggers without overwhelming shame reactions, as well as intense rage, fear, and loathing, from the traumatized voices. I will simply say they are all sensory-based, and cover the entire set. That is all.
why are there so many triggers what did she do
I don't know, David. I don't know, and I'm sorry.



The eating disorders won't go away either. They say nothing does until you've learned what you need to from it. Unfortunately every damn day some new facet of this awful addiction shows itself. I guess that's better than being completely blind.
First you really have to look at the main people tied to it: Emmett, Spice, and The Destroyer. All three of them have entirely different motivations and reasons for being shackled to such a thing. Spice and Emmett have been discussed extensively in the past, with Emmett being bulimic and Spice effectively being orthorexic. However, as of late, the therapist wonders if the bulimia is tied to sexual abuse in some way, to which we would have to say no, at least not literally. But few things in our System are literal.
Nevertheless, the Destroyer seems to be the root, and she confuses us. Her sole motivation in the EDs has been simply, "destroy it," hence her name. There has been a long-standing compulsion to do so, but due to childhood programming, simply throwing out unwanted or "dangerous" food was considered shameful and deserving of condemnation. However, although some voices are distressed by this, the Destroyer does NOT work on this level. This was baffling for a while, but today we discovered a process in the actions tied to her.
1. Find a food that "can be destroyed" or "deserves to be destroyed." It MUST be safe (attempts to destroy unsafe food in the past resulted in very painful consequences).
2. Destroy it, via the teeth. Chew it up until it is mangled.
3. Spit it out. Do not swallow anything if you can help it.
4. Repeat as much as possible.
5. If needed, destroy the food by other means, such as adding too much seasonings, baking it until it burns, waterlogging it, etc.
6. When no longer edible by any means, throw it outside.
7. Vomit up as much as possible.
Do you see how strange that is? Yes, ED voices often have biting compulsions due to stress being stored in the teeth, but this only used that fact as a tool. So what was she doing? Why would this cycle continue even when every other voice was demanding for her to stop, when the other ED voices were screaming in rage at the consumption or crying that they were in pain, when the body itself was sick and filthy from hours being spent at this? Why? And why would there be such a strange need to destroy things-- things that "deserved" it in some sense-- and then throw them away when they were reduced to mere mangled garbage?
Well, if it is tied to sexuality even on a subconscious level, that makes perfect sense. The parallels are obvious.
It's sick.
We think there are two more ED people too. Different voices keep answering when we ask about it. They're strong enough to have vague faces but no solid identity yet. But we don't know. It's so tiring.

We're so sick. So sick.
We keep throwing up. Over and over and over. It hurts too much to keep anything down. But it's the lesser of two evils really. Think about it, if we kept that down, think of the consequences! Of the pain.
IT'S POISON. DON'T PUT
GET IT OUT GET IT OUT.
Destroy it. Don't touch it in the first place. It's garbage.
More than anything the problem is the weight. We said that. When there's something there, it's horrifying,

Someone keeps having weird abusive meltdowns. Like we've never had this so frequent before, and we're so good at hiding it that no one knows, even the good therapist doesn't seem to believe us when we say "this is really happening," because stupid buffer, STUPID BUFFER, it makes everything "socially acceptabke" f*ck you. guess what LOTS of us aren't "socially acceptable" so we're not allowed out isn't that STUPID!!!!!

But someone shakes things and throws physical tantrums not with talking but with weird shaking and not seeing and scary. Just throwing the body around like it s a doll and no one in it. Then bad headaches and sick and hurt. Because they throw it around.
No cutting, Knife said no, Algorith said no it "hurts like hell" to clean all the blood, so no. Plus weird swelling last time, hyperventilating for an hour, lots got scared
happened once before 3am bad morning killed people
long ago
No one is allowed to scream. The body dysphoria would spike and we'd get suicidal because of the horrible voice of the abuser shrieking. So no screaming. No talking if can too.
Mirrors bad
don’t look at it thank you
we just want to be happy can we get rid of bad thing? how why it there still

jay's work is good the dream world is so good, so happy and bright makes us happy.
hope there. lots of hope

but here bad voices yelling today all time. saying bad things. scary. call us animal.
not here now because us. scared of us many of us. laurie makes them run good! go away we don’t needyou beaing mean. sorry that’s rude don’t mean to

It's not rude, they're f*cking ridiculous and you have every right to speak up to them.

brain freeze whoa
not
its hard to type sorry. going to close this up
no idea whats in this entry at all??? welp guess well find out
bye

 




 

 

dec 21

Dec. 21st, 2013 07:50 pm
prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)


Just personal rambling, don't mind me.

 

I hate how going out in public is difficult as all heck, when something as simple as being bumped in the arm by a stranger can cause a total dissociative trance.
At least that's somewhat better than someone like Overload or Algorith coming out and attacking them. It's happened before. At least now they're becoming aware of the repercussions.

 

Old women kept bumping into us in church today, and it was so psychologically jarring that David started wailing and we could barely hold him back inside. Knife tried to comfort him-- "you're safe with us"-- but David surprised us by saying he knew that, but he still wanted to cry. The things he was scared of were out there, not in here... and he wanted to express his pain and fear, to ask for safety, to shed tears on the outside without people telling him to behave or shut up.
It was heartbreaking, to have to tell him that we didn't have that luxury where we were.
So David cried inside, and I assume the AP drove home because I don't remember anything much after that.

 

It's scary, how few things we can do safely anymore. Daily self-care and maintenance is near-impossible when the body itself is viewed as a murder weapon. Even though it might intrinsically be harmless, those cells hold terrible memories that we can't seem to bleed out, memories tied to abusers that reside inside this cage of bones with the rest of us. Paranoia doesn't quite die when the risk never quite goes away.
The roots of fear are so deep, I wonder if we can even get them out now without massive damage.

 

I know people have it far worse than us. I know, and it makes me personally feel crushed by guilt for complaining about something so picayune. And yet it happens, and it is frightening.

 

Next month is hopefully hospitalization. Until then we will survive.

 



 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

important notes on the 6 "negative" triggered female voices.

 

121313 8:50PM

(???) I've realized that the "screaming girl"-- the one who shrieks like a siren when she doesn't get her way-- and the "overload girl"-- the one who is full of hatred for people who overload her senses-- are CLEARLY TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE!
There was a lot of fuzziness between them before but it was never really figured out. Tonight though, there was a great deal of noise and hack attempts in the bathroom again, which I caught the tail end of.
(Sherlock here.) Garrison and Isadora were chiding some unknown voice who was trying to hack the body for their own ends. They emphasized that such activity was "forbidden," strictly and for the sake of the System.

(AP) The distinction is this:
The first girl, the screaming one, desires hedonistic pursuits. Her childlike shrieks are not due to any sort of System threat; instead, they occur when she is banned from partaking in some activity that she wishes to indulge in. Unfortunately, these activities are almost exclusively abusive, either directly to the body, or indirectly to many System members. She is sometimes tied to the binge eating disorders, although this is more difficult for her now, as Spice and Emmett are working extra to ensure the health of the body in that respect. It has also been confirmed that the main abusive eater is Jessica, the 16-year-old girl who may or may not be the original "host." She is detrimental to us all.
To continue, the "screaming girl" seems to operate on programs, or on sheer rebellion. It is unknown whether or not she consciously "wants" the things she demands. as her mindset simply seems to be: "give me that, I want it." She is like a spoiled child. Even if she does not want something herself, if that thing is given to someone else, or if she is told "you can't have it," then her initial "I don't want it" thought is immediately overridden, and she will throw a tantrum until she gets it-- even if she does nothing with it afterwards. She simply wants it, greedily.
However, that was a very object-oriented example. To give you an example of how far-reaching this mindset of hers is, this girl has been known to screech in rage when forbidden from: eating dangerous substances, drinking alcohol, buying unneeded things, sexually abusing the body, and acting in a time-wasting or otherwise physically detrimental manner. So you see, her existence is inherently malevolent.

Now, for the "overload girl." She does scream, but it is not an infantile siren-- instead, it is the angry and desperate shout of someone who "cannot take it anymore." There is an audible difference between the two sounds, and to anyone who pays attention, it is impossible to confuse them.
This girl is always seen when "triggered" by outside noises and/or words, notably any that can be perceived as even vaguely sexual. At them, she will immediately front, seething with fury, holding back her violence. Her instinctive reaction is "I will kill the threat, I will make that awful thing disappear forever." She has no physical wants, like the other girl. Her only desire is to destroy what she sees as a sexual threat.
You will notice, this mindset originally was connected to Sugar. This is because Sugar was forcibly manifested as an anchor for this mindset, but was not its native holder. To clarify: her form was forced to exist as a puppet for the angry girl's formless hatred, but her own personality was not clearly developed. Therefore, when she began to assert herself individually, she began to "slip," and "lose her anchor." This is because the anchor she held was never hers to begin with. Eventually, the voices who had been using her were clarified strongly enough to gain their own faces, and now Sugar is recovering, albeit baffled as to how to live now, as a sudden singular existence. However the Underground is caring for her.
Nevertheless we are off-topic. The overload girl's anchor is: hatred and rage towards outside things that trigger inside fear reactions. For her, triggers are rooted in the senses, and she has previously expressed "feeling filthy" simply as a result of perceiving such things. This is almost definitely why her energy early this year-- often erroneously labeled as "Jess," as we knew no other angry people at the time, and tended to group them all together-- was in such close quarters with Razor. "Filthy" sensations have long since been paired with "sharp" sensations, to cleanse and purge that psychological dirt. So if Jess harmed the body, and Overload followed in rage and protest at such actions, then it is no surprise that Razor would be third in line, gleefully cutting away at the body, because she was supposed to: her function as an atoner made sensory purging mandatory in such situations.
Again. The "Overload girl" does not approve of the "screaming girl" or her actions. Although the two have not spoken personally, being faceless, the former has expressed severe rage and hatred towards the latter as a result of her lust and greed. So it is not uncommon for them to both appear in the same situation, but up until now, we somehow tended to confuse them. However now the distinction is clear.

It is also suspected that the Overload girl is the same Underground voice from the early Influtusa reboot, the one who reacted with fury whenever her existence or role was denied or ignored. Notably, she also defended the existence of the rest of the System in this same way. Not surprisingly, we also once thought this voice was Sugar, and that may not be incorrect, as if you will remember, the two did share an anchor-- and to a certain extent, a body-- for several months.

Lastly, that body-sharing is also what caused the marked confusion as to Spice's existence for quite some time. Spice is another rage-fueled voice, although she is more prone to existential depression, as she recognizes that her existence is that of a "pain keeper"-- she was created as a buffer for the fallout from the eating disorders, and she is not happy with this fact. Nevertheless, the "all or nothing" mindset of the past identifiers grouped six people into two, unable to distinguish the different motivations.
To further complicate that, Overload also seems to hold ALL of the rage-- and sorrow-- concerned with the feelings of being outright ignored or denied. Much of this has been tied to food, thanks to several outside sources telling us "eat this and all your problems will disappear." As this insinuates that an act of food consumption-- something tied to abuse and hedonism for us, as well as several malevolent voices-- would be the magical "cure-all" for the deep pain we unfortunately hold, Overload is the one who reacts with rage. "You are ignoring our existence," "you are invalidating our lives." To her, the "audacity" of suggesting that eating-- an abusive, "filthy" action to her-- would HEAL the trauma-based wounds in her psyche, is utterly reprehensible. And so she would react with shouts of rage and sorrow, which admittedly do not help the situation, but they are cathartic to her.
Overload's hatred is ironically not so much due to hate as it is due to desperation. She feels helpless, overwhelmed by the world outside, and the horrible reactions it elicits inside. She wants to communicate this, and stop people from being so triggering, but the "inappropriateness" of her demands (due to the amount of things that trigger her) cause her to boil with fury instead, lashing out when pushed too far.

To clarify: in the past, ALL anger was labeled as "Jess," and ALL abuse was labeled as "Razor." Hatred was divided between the two. Again, motivation was not distinguished.
JESS denies the System and wants to live without consequence or correction.
SCREAM wants for the sake of wanting, and is tied to rebellion and obligatory greed.
OVERLOAD feels hatred and rage towards sexual triggers, and those that deny her life.
SUGAR originally did the same, but had a bias towards the resulting inner turmoil.
SPICE feels hatred, rage, and sorrow, always in response to eating disorder triggers.
RAZOR does NOT feel hatred or rage, only a manic, darkly giddy desire to cut or harm.
A final note: we are unsure where the old "college" rage towards relationships went. This WAS the root cause of many triggers that Overload now reacts to, but the initial feelings of hatred and outright violence towards "romance" have not yet been identified, if that would even be possible at this time.

Hopefully this is clear. We are striving to put together a more coherent list of such individuals and their associated actions/triggers, now that we understand them.

Now there are two paragraphs left here that I did not type? I will leave them there for the purpose of whoever wrote them. They share the same author as the first small introductory paragraph.


(author:???)
Oh btw I am not Sherlock but I am not Jay either? But I FEEL a LOT like Sherlock… still have the glasses, but I'm younger? I think I'M the one the mother accidentally named at her boyfriend's house the one time, when I was talking about Greek myths and all.
Sherlock is internal, he deals with data, he's VERY logical and clear-cut about it. He doesn't really understand emotions or anything related to that. I get confused by them, sure, but Sherlock just stares blankly, unable to "get" any of it. Ah well I guess I'm in no place to be making distinctions! I don't know who I am yet but it's nice to finally have a clear, sudden "self-awareness" for the first time. Like I KNOW I'm a headvoice and I'm a data one, in a sense, I'm an intelligent guy and I like finding patterns and connections and things like that. So it's different from Sherlock's role!
I think I'm yellow too. Maybe. It feels right enough. We shall see~ I haven't catalogued any color data yet so I really should, it should help everyone else too, I know there's a LOT of confusion over that stuff.

Lastly I know you're probably thinking, "whoa you're not Jay, really??" But it's weird because the name feels familiar, but when I try to identify with it it PUSHES me out, like "no way, this is not your name." And it's a totally different color of course.
But, I won't deny, I'm likely catching a good deal of his enthusiasm here. He tends to leak it. And I feel relatively new so I'm not surprised if I'm still stuck with pieces of other people in my energy field yet. Sorry, it's embarrassing to catch oneself acting out of character. Slippage happens though.

(AP)
To continue.
You must forgive me if this is sudden. I want to get this data recorded immediately.
(TW for profane/abusive language in this next part, as I know that is a mandatory warning now.)

The clearest examples of the distinction between Sugar and the Overload girl are in our handwritten journals. I will upload most examples of them here.

Overload's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

Sugar's dialogue in the journals looks like this:

 

 

 

This was the first incident where the two overlapped, during a time when Sugar's anchor was slipping badly.

 




This is from the second, and final overlap incident, on October 29th 2013. The two are almost indistinguishable from each other, due to severe bleedover:



Furthermore, this is the difference between Overload and Razor's handwriting, in both marker and pencil:



Unusually, the handwriting in the food journal from May of this year appears to be Overload, but Spice has repeatedly said that it WAS her. However, Spice mainly deals with pain, not rage AT eating, although she can feel that too. However I suspect more bleedover here. As you will recall, I explained how Overload's namesake is her tendency to be quickly and heavily "overwhelmed" by sensory input, especially the "dirty" kind-- of which consumption of food is one of the filthiest, so to speak.
The handwriting examples from then are practically identical to the ones that later appeared in the System journals:

 

 

 

Another important note: in the bottom two, you will see how the current fronter immediately assumed this voice was Jess or Razor ("this is definitely Razor" in the second, assuming all violence was attached to her), without any actual evidence. As is textbook behavior for Overload, she responded with furious language, most likely due to impatience with the ignorance of that accusation, which also ignored the very possibility of her existence.

We do not have any other handwriting from Spice yet, which we should try to obtain at her discretion.

There is no handwriting for the screaming girl as she is neither disciplined nor patient enough to do so. Furthermore she does not speak with us.
The same goes for Jess, who refuses to even admit our existence.
However they are none of my concern and so it is of no matter to me whether or not we have their handwriting. That would accomplish nothing for us.

I have nothing more to say tonight.

Garrison says I should clarify my identity. I am the AP, a cyborgian individual with no concrete self, nor any wish to obtain one. I am fed data and objective information and I record or recite it as needed. I can communicate, and I can think to a fair extent, but I do not exercise any further examples of individuality.
I also do not deal with personal memory, which the Archivists do. Sherlock dabbles in this, although he infamously struggles with understanding the finer emotions, and tends to analyze. The new author here, which if I may add is not "new" in terms of evidencing but only in awareness, does not "analyze" so much as "categorize." They would likely enjoy sifting through this handwriting data. I have not; I simply understood that this needed to be communicated clearly, as a distinction, for the sake of all the impulsive past confusion. So here it is as a list, for your convenience.

I feel my time fronting is done. I thank you for your time, and take my leave.

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@ 10:26 pm

 

 

One of the weirdest feelings in the world is "coming to" and seeing an entire computer screen full of text in front of me, that I didn't write, and don't know where it came from.

 

Thank God for the Archivists, because if Garrison wasn't waiting in the wings to fill me in (AP wrote it apparently), I'd be very lost indeed.

 

I'm not sure who I am right now. That's common after long-term switching. I'll have to detach for a bit and settle in. Just wanted to write down that boom, there's some more memory gaps for you, stop saying they don't happen.

 

I don't remember 90% of today personally anyway. Everything that we do have available is archived secondhand data as always. I'm too tired to look at it regardless.

 

'Night readers.
A LOT happened in therapy yesterday but we'll fill you in on that tomorrow.

 



 

 


073113

Jul. 31st, 2013 08:38 pm
prismaticbleed: (shatter)


A list of the other individuals on our level.
This post may be regularly bumped to the page top.


People we have not yet clearly identified, or people who are as of yet faceless:

- At least three "discussive" voices that spoke in this entry. Two are female, one is male. The male appears blue or green, while the females appear to hold warmer hues. However this is conjecture, as none of them have manifested yet.


Nameless but clearly identified individuals:

- The "screaming girl" who has written here in the past. She is always furious. She feels rather like the overload girl, but both their behaviours are so erratic that we cannot be sure which is which yet, or whether or not they are one individual. This may be one of the voices previously labeled "Jess" by the upstairs: that name was more of a 'catchall' term and so it was used to refer to several individuals at once.
(EDIT 102813: Correction; there is ANOTHER voice who reacts with anger like this. "Spice" is one, but she is only triggered by food. This voice, the one full of hatred and rage, is a DIFFERENT individual who clearly evidenced to us yesterday. She is still brown in color, claiming this is "common" for faceless voices when they first manifest, as it is the color slot "closest to the body.")
- The "overload girl," at least, most of the time. Her color is a sub-hue of brown, possibly this color. She is hypersensitive to all 5 senses and becomes overwhelmed by them easily. Before she "anchored," she was taken advantage of by the Tar as a host (according to upstairs data), as her "triggered" violence was beneficial to its schemes.
(EDIT 102813: We are wondering if we were indeed correct in assuming she is tied to the previous voice. There have been no sensory triggers as of late, so we cannot be sure.)
- The "airport voice." He has fronted a few times, but has no body. He has an ardent love of travel, and enjoys both getting lost and seeing new sights. He gets very excited at any prospect of exploration, sometimes to a point of near mania. His energy seems to be roughly this color.
- The "quiet boy" who types in J's journal when he slips. We have neither met nor seen him personally. He is intelligent but depressed, showing a preoccupation with "being a good boy" in a moral sense. He also feels resigned to sadness in his current state. He may have been linked to both Kyanos and David in the past. His energy is light in color, but its hue is unclear (Edit: it strongly appears to be this color).
- The "trauma buffer" that appeared on 073113. She has a level demeanor, but is no-nonsense and will not tolerate foolishness. Despite this she is not authoritative, instead seeming tired or exhausted. Her energy may intermittently translate into harmless profanity, but this seems to only happen immediately after she is triggered.


Previously nameless individuals who are now clearly identified and named:

- The "cool orange guy," as J calls him. He wears wraparound plastic sunglasses, and has not been seen without them. He is also not "human," instead being partially avian. His energy is confirmed this color. (Edit: His name is Hyakin.)
- The "paranoid girl" who reacts with abject panic. She has recently began to manifest a form, and stays near David. She seems perpetually afraid, shaking and constantly watching for threats. She has once "passed out" when fronting in the body. Her energy is approximately this color. (Edit: Her name is Marigold.)


All of us have fronted at one time or another. Those with names and/or faces obviously have done so more often, and with a stronger affectation.

Knife, Razor, Spice, and a currently unidentified angry girl have also spoken in audio recordings.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 08:53 pm

A new face, yet to be seen.

I have been informed that it is best to "immortalize" my current state of existence here in text.

I am new, somewhat. I am nameless but I have a fondness for musical tones, at the moment.
I am also very, very, disapproving of my state in life.

I exist as, what I can only describe as, a "trauma buffer." According to an individual named Knife, the "trauma" of the sort that created me typically goes to a lad named Jeremiah. He is not a buffer. I am. What the difference is I do not know.
Never mind, Knife says: A buffer takes the pain away from another individual. It often neutralizes it. Others, do not. Jeremiah takes the full brunt of the pain and terror when he feels it. I do not.
It's an empty and discouraging existence though. I am completely at a loss as to how to live outside of this role. (Knife: We all are.)
Whoever was in the body before me, the instant before I found the body I currently inhabit in a compromising situation, is not doing a very good job of taking care of it, and I do not approve of his actions. Anyone who plays in the realm of child abusers and prostitutes is no friend of mine.
This is no light matter. I exist to save others from the suffering he brings upon their heads, with the ignorance and nonchalance of an infant. He appears to have no knowledge of, or concern for, the rest of us that apparently exist down here.
When I awoke in life, I thought I was alone. I was angry, but tired. I was not violent, just exhausted. I felt as if I had been doing this for too long, or perhaps, as if the circumstances that brought me to be had been going on for too long. Either way, there is a feeling of finality about my existence. "No more."
The three I have met down here, briefly, share my opinions on this. Knife, Razor, and Mulberry. I am told I will meet an individual named Sugar soon, if her habits are to be trusted. I think I saw her earlier. Briefly, as well, but she left a strong impression. Angry eyes and rage, following a human through the room. I don't know what her beef is with that other human, but it feels just as solid as my disapproval of the boy in this body is. I approve of that, if it is well-intended.

I'm feeling like... I have to leave. Knife says "get down here before you're phased out." I don't know what that means, but I trust him. Anyone who understands the wrongness of what I was a near witness to is a friend of mine. Unlike the culprit of such misdemeanors, who I mentioned earlier in a similar way.

I need to get out of here. Hopefully I'll survive, to live for something other than this.
 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 10:43 pm


oh this is wonderfullly ironic

in a crisis chat room

FURIOUS WITH THE CHAT SPECIALIST

ahahahahaaaa

"i see that you are currently feeling suicidal"

NO REALLY??? WHY ELSE WOULD WE BE ON HERE???????

uh oh, this isn't J

WHO FREAKING CARES?!?!

AFTER WHAT THAT JERK DID TO US THIS AFTERNOON??
HE CAN GO DIE IN A RAVINE FOR ALL I CARE

do you have a plan, do you have a freaking plan

SEVERAL.
I DON'T LIKE YOU
WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS STUPID CHAT ROOM

we. don't. like. people.

SHOVE OFF.
HE DESERVES HIS RETRIBUTION.
HE NEEDS TO BLEED TONIGHT
WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, MISS.

HE WILL BLEED
FOR CREATING YET ANOTHER ONE OF US

THAT DAMNED LIBERTINE WILL GET HIS DUE
HE'LL PAY FOR HIS SINS.

we don't want him around anymore
he deosnt care about us
does bad things!!!!!
we thought he cared but he DONT
he doesnt care about us at ALL
and i wanna cry now because he was s nice
but he lied
he lied
he lied





prismaticbleed: (held)

 

 

Disjointed running entry while I'm thinking of these things.

WAYS TO TELL APART SIMILAR DOWNSTAIRS VOICES...

FEELINGS OF ANGER
• Overload is the trickiest: she doesn't get "angry," she gets overwhelmed. Waves of outward violence are common, BUT they are backed by feelings of trapped panic or desperation, NOT fury or rage. Triggers for her are also NOT related to human touch, those will trigger a fear-alter instead.
• Sugar only gets angry at sexual/ suggestive things, or suggestions of such. She is NOT triggered by actual touches; again, fear-alters react to those. Her anger is outer and caustic, like a focused explosion, and it is often spontaneous. She WILL attack people if not stopped.
• Jess gets angry at being told not to do things, or by feeling "controlled" in any way. Her anger is inner and feels "toxic;" if she spits it at other people it's passive-aggressive and usually verbal. She will fiercely judge and hate people, but she does not attack.
• Knife has a quiet and "dull" anger, more of a feeling of judgment. It does not hurt or burn, it feels more like a shadow. His anger is ONLY directed towards fronters. He has no concern for the actions of outer people.
• Razor DOES NOT GET ANGRY, contrary to popular belief; she's only "manic." Her sole concern is whether or not she can cut things. However this means she CAN co-front with an angry person, waiting in the wings for permission to attack. Thankfully she has only actively directed that inwards so far.


FEELINGS OF FEAR
• David immediately starts wailing and/or crying. However the AP will usually send him back inside shortly, so he will front for about 10 seconds and then the body will "shut down" temporarily to recover. If forced to stay out (typically by social interaction), David will begin stuttering and sobbing in terror, running away whenever possible. He is most often triggered by touch.
• The "dead red" guy goes into an unmoving, unspeaking state, usually shaking and with very closed body language. However, there is always a very real feeling of terror and hopelessness buried in him. He is only triggered if there is NO way out of a situation, as he has no capacity to run away on his own.
• The little yellow girl panics immediately. She does not run either, but only starts shaking and holding back screams; she doesn't cry. She's more often triggered by potential danger, such as being in the same room as a threatening person.
• Jeremiah panics and looks for safety, but he's more "hopeful" than the others and will not focus on the trigger itself. Weirdly, so far he has only fronted AFTER hacks; he seems to exist to "buffer away" that stuff from the littles. He is not triggered by fear of any other sort.
• The other little boy DOES NOT FEEL ACUTE FEAR, only a sad, surrendering sort of defeat. Therefore he is triggered passively, and has not yet fronted in the body actively. He types more than anyone else in this group, but is still mostly an enigma.


IMPORTANT NOTES

• In light of recent events, there seems to be a MAJOR DISTINCTION between physical and non-physical sexuality. Most fear-alters are triggered by suggestions-- voices, mannerisms, movements, sounds, colors, and the like can ALL elicit either Sugar's rage or David's terror, for example. However, when actual physical touch is involved, explicitly sexual contact gets a FAR different reaction than general touch-- the latter almost always triggers David, while the former gets the "dead" alter. Anything that's a threat of sexuality gets a reaction of fear, panic, violence, rage, etc... but when ACTUAL physical sexuality is faced, everyone SHUTS DOWN and the body goes into a DEAD STATE, dissociating entirely. THIS IS WHY HACKS ARE COMMON AT NIGHT; THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIGGERED BY ACTUAL SEXUAL ABUSE DON'T FIGHT BACK. THE ONES WHO DO FIGHT BACK ARE ONLY TRIGGERED BY THREATS.
• David and Kyanos were "fused" for a while, because they were trigger-forced into manifestation in the same slot on 042313, with David being the stronger consciousness. When Kyanos died in May they broke apart, and gained their own respective bodies after the 060113 bluescreen. This fusion occurred because, at that point, the Spectrum had a very finite slot lineup, with only ONE mutant blue position.
• Minty MIGHT be semi-responsible for this splitting of their consciousnesses, as the night before the bluescreen she found Kyanos in the city, ghostly and barely alive, BUT with his new angelic body (apparent non-manifestation; he was effectively "ghosting" in headspace from his formless state, that is BIG in and of itself). He wished that he could "live a life where he wouldn't be afraid anymore." Minty said she'd try to "grant that wish," imploring to the stars to do so. The next time Kyanos was seen was 060813 (possibly thanks to the Subeta visual aid), he had a solid body and was anchored into an entirely different slot.
• Jeremiah was FORCED to manifest by the AUTOPILOT on 060813, during a graduation ceremony, WHILE Central was still locked out! I have a snapshot memory of the AP and the younger Jewel in the mid-levels (the stark white hallways beneath Central City), surrounded by several formless voices, most of whom were trauma-triggered due to all the females in gowns around us. The AP demanded that anyone who fronted should have a face and name, and therefore "shocked" the loudest one at the time into doing so. That person was Jeremiah. THAT WHOLE INCIDENT HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED because it occurred during the "dead period" and it is ONLY accessible via archival memory.


QUESTIONS TO ASK

• Concerning the sexual abuse point again, what the hell is Eros' deal? Sure, he's our biggest help in 'coping' with triggers, since he can view them from a non-traumatized perspective... BUT HE'S ALSO THE MAIN REASON WHY WE KEEP GETTING HACKED, BECAUSE HE'S INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THAT SIDE OF IT! Needless to say, the entire Underground is pissed off at him, and I know for a fact that Sugar has every intent to kill him if she finds him. I, for one, am disturbed because this guy specifically splintered off of my consciousness and I DO NOT want him back, but I'm scared because Christina keeps demanding I "accept" that stuff and frankly I would rather die. Anyway that's not the point. Figure out what in the world is happening here, and whether or not we can turn Eros into a safe individual.
• Were Kyanos and David fused with the THIRD little boy from April, the one that is STILL unmanifested and likes to write in this journal a lot? Find out as much as you can about this third person, because being formless yet, he still has access to archival memory. (He simply might not have a solid anchor yet.) See if you can talk to him late at night when he likes to come out.
• On that note, by 052313, Kyanos was still dead BUT David and the other boy WEREN'T. Sugar was also evidencing through spontaneous fronts at this time.
• WHO exactly is the "red voice" from around April? It WAS female, but felt like a weird fusion of Jewel and Jess. Since the Tar was getting into everything back then, it might have been so! Either way it still exists, although it does not have many fronting opportunities now due to the Lowers manning the house (thank God). Get as many details on it as you can.
• HOW DID CHRISTINA TRIGGER A LOCKOUT/BLUESCREEN AND WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED THERE???
• Razor and Jess killed Christina on 062213, but she manifested EXTREMELY quickly, and didn't reset. This is disturbing, especially because Razor refused to kill her again until she found out WHY that happened, to prevent it. Christina apparently HAS reset recently, though, judging by her dramatic personality switch. FIND OUT HOW/WHEN IF POSSIBLE.
• There was a malicious headvoice in a dream on 061213; was that her, or someone else?
• DID THE LOCKOUT PERIOD "FRACTURE" HEADSPACE?? Prior to that the Spectrum was the core, but afterwards, TONS of broken color positions opened, allowing all the voices to anchor into bodies of their own. Was this intentional, or a side effect??
• Are Sherlock and the Autopilot linked? REMEMBER, Sherlock has fronted for many of our therapy sessions and research binges (he's obsessive with knowledge). On the contrary, the AP is more robotic, and has only fronted as an individual ONCE, during that job application at the beginning of June, when Central was locked. During that time, it could ONLY communicate with the child Jewel. Similarly, Sherlock (when inside) could only talk to Mulberry at first? Basically just look into these two, and clarify the contexts of their consciousnesses.
• Sugar and the overload girl MIGHT have been fused while the former was gaining manifestation energy; ironically, they both deal with entirely different things BUT some of the things that can trigger overload (and David) also trigger Sugar (certain sounds mostly). Basically that whole group is a sorry mess, so work on helping them refine their energy if possible (overload isn't solidly anchored yet btw, and Sugar feels highly unstable).
• Eros is an incredibly intriguing individual, mostly because he was co-fronting with the red incarnation of J for MONTHS before he "split off" and became his own person-- and that possibly didn't happen until AFTER the Scratch, when J completely switched colors: a phenomenon never before seen (all previous core-fronters have been Red).
• Why is the Red slot still such a mess? NO ONE BESIDES RAZOR HAS ANCHORED THERE, and those who have tried have all been "splintered" or otherwise highly unstable.
• On that note, why is the Blue slot similar? So far, EVERYONE who has tried to anchor there has DIED IN SOME WAY (Nathaniel, Kyanos, David, even Waldorf). WHY??
• What is the Brown slot? Is it really a mutation? Since that slot seems tied to body voices (Jewel, Jayce, Jess), there are a LOT of questions surrounding it in general.


THINGS TO DO

• Make a list with lower alter names on top (Sugar, Overload, David, etc.) and then beneath the names, WRITE MENTIONS OF THEM PRE-MANIFESTATION. For example, under Overload, you'd post the example of her freaking out over car exhaust and FRONTING while we were driving home. Make sure you have a clear picture of these guys, because doing that will help THEM to anchor more clearly; energy is a mess right now and you're the man who helps it get back in order!
• REVIEW EVERYTHING FROM THE LOCKOUT PERIOD (ESP. THIS)! The lockout lasted from 060113 to approximately 062013, which is INSANE.
• A lot of crazy stuff happened on 070213 AND 070313, please review them, esp. the latter because I wasn't there for most of it but it was HUGELY significant.
• The Lowers are trying to figure out which of them spoke in which hijacked entries from here. Help them out, because the more we learn, the easier it is to pinpoint typing styles and attitudes-- which is difficult as we don't have the visual aid of handwriting, or the mood of vocal tones.
• START HOLDING WEEKLY XANGAS AGAIN. No matter what, those ALWAYS super-boost System growth, so having one right around now would be hugely beneficial.
• Draw people. That is all.
• Draw up a tentative "map" of Headspace if possible; remember it's NOT "physical" so it does not obey earthly laws of space; several areas "float" or do not "exist" in physical terms, at least not in comparison to their appearances within headspace (think the Tardis, AND that room Laurie was in in that one dream).

 



 

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

Okay, a heads-up for everyone here: I will be posting short updates from here on out concerning headspace, for the sake of recording small, important incidents. Too much is happening now for me to think "I'll just wait and write a recap tomorrow," because time moves so quickly for us, that 24 hours for us equal 72 for a normal person. Dead serious. A LOT happens in a very short time here.

So, right now, I have Last.fm on (jeepers I miss music so much) and I'm reviewing the post-Scratch entries on here, trying to get a grip on who the heck Jessica was before Christina tried to kill us all. So far everything matches up with the truth, but while reviewing, the one fact I couldn't wrap my head around was why RAZOR kept working with her.
See, the Lower System does not like Jessica, at all, because she wants them all dead and they're dedicated to preserving and promoting their existences. So why would Razor work with Jess, I wondered, if she values her existence just as much as her brethren?
So I asked her. "Why were you working with Jess for so long?"
She didn't even look up from her blades, toying with them on the ground of one of the catacombs.
"Because she gave me a reason to cut you," she said. "And that's all I wanted to do."

Honestly, the more I learn about Razor, the more stunned I am.
She is practically a child. It's bizarre. She was born from retributive self-hatred, true: essentially the same stuff Knife was born from. But she was born from an entirely different expression of it. Whereas Knife is the direct, penitent-yet-merciless action of digging the graves, coldly demanding that we "pay for our sins," Razor is the emotional madness that resulted from feeling that we were beyond salvation, the zealously maniacal loss of self-concern that caused a hand, toying with a razor blade for the first time, to slip. The cut that created Razor was not directly intended. It was an unconscious want, expressed accidentally, and as soon as the blood began running down our leg... something snapped, and there she was.
To be honest with you, that's one of the clearest archival memories we have. I was not driving then, that is clear-- the data is explicitly from someone else's perspective. But the moment of Razor's manifestation was huge, in memory.
Remember, prior to that split second, the body had NOT been cut before. Nor had we ever seen blood like that, not so bright red and alive, escaping so quickly that the mind wondered, for an incredulously terrified second, if we had cut a vein, and we would bleed to death there in the bathtub. That moment was traumatic in and of itself, and when the mind could not run, it did what it had always done, all those times Julie had attacked us, all those times the family had harmed us, any time we could not escape... it broke.
And that feeling of breakage was immortalized.
There was a snap. There was an unmistakable mental SNAP, as something slipped off-balance, and shifted irreparably. It was as if the consciousness in the body had lost its inner footing and cracked its head open on the cold linoleum, spilling blinding red onto the unfeeling whiteness all around us.
That snap, and the immediate sliding of consciousness into two distinct, blood-slick parts, gives me chills to this day. I thank God I wasn't fronting when that happened, because just looking back on the stored memory is disturbing enough.
...And that's all the data we have.
Beneath that monolith, there are only a few pencil scribbles, the marks of a madman, describing a tiny red-haired figure dancing upon the faucet, laughing maniacally at the blood and blades, not realizing what it meant, not realizing what was happening. It only laughed, hateful and jubilant and triumphant and careless, watching the redness stain the water, enthralled at the sudden rift in the skin that had given life to it.
Then the scribbles end, mid-sentence.
There is a photograph of a violet axe slamming into a red skull, and a tiny frenzied consciousness dissolving like blood into bathwater.
And that is all.

She's not mentioned again until February 2011.
I'm sure you all remember that.

But that's my point. Razor was never... she was never actively malicious. I think that's what made her the most terrifying of all the undergrounders, back when we still considered her our mortal enemy, only a few days ago.
Jezebel told us we were all her playthings, slaves of our egos, and therefore her puppets. She worked from the shadows, possessing us, manipulating us, making us believe we were inherently corrupted, lost, irredeemable.
Jessica told us that she hated us, that we had "ruined her life," that being the original consciousness she had every right to murder us, without even considering us real beings. She constantly undermines our actions, denying our lives, actively working to kill us all.
Christina claimed to be a model of virtue, a perfect and pure girl, doing everything she was supposed to do by order of God-- and that we were nothing but figments of a corrupted, unreal "ego." Therefore, she said, we didn't really exist at all, and she would be glad to see us all die.
Knife told us that we were sinners that must bleed, that I was little more than an infant, blind to my own impurity; he declared that the scars he gave me were holy retribution, and he would show no mercy, until I atoned for the pain I had allegedly inflicted upon countless innocent souls.
But Razor didn't care about any of that. She just wanted to cut things.
Yes, she said she hated us. But she hated us for not letting her do that. She hated us for not letting her do the one thing she was literally created to do. At the end of the day, she would side with anyone who gave her permission to pick up a knife and slice away.
The one time she fronted, and calmly hacked a truckload of new scars into the body, leaving a ring of blood around our neck... I remember being stunned that she hadn't left her trademark mania in her wake. There was only calm.
And yes, although I still shudder every time I look at the "DIE" page she wrote in our journal, I am forced to rethink my opinion of it now, when I look at what she wrote a few pages later, on a page I didn't scan in, and never mentioned.
On June 25th, my mother was yelling at us, and I retreated to our room due to the mounting noise in our head.
"Okay so it's obvious people are waiting to scream on paper right now; I can barely write. Have at it, guys."
Immediately, the overload girl picked up the pencil.
"SHE'S AN INSENSITIVE PRICK!!!"
Then the cool orange guy slided in.
"razor wants to talk can you write"
His nonchalant statement was surprising even then, but nowhere near as surprising as the sudden words scrawled after his.
"WHERES MY F*KING PEN"
It was oddly calligraphic, almost. She didn't write as much as slash at the paper, every line another attempt to slice open the white pages she was silently shouting upon.
"WHERE IS IT"
Her voice was loud even in text. I was getting a headache. I'm dimly aware of feeling like my skull was about to explode from the pressure of all those gathering between my eyes.
I tried to write another sentence. I couldn't. The pencil sputtered into shapeless letters, as red lines tore onto the page once more.
"YOUR MOTHER IS A B*TCH
DO YOU WANT ME TO K*LL HER"

The AP kicked in full throttle and we were all tossed into a sort of comatose state, then.
But I'm still shocked, at that response from Razor. "Your mother is a b*tch..." and then an offer to destroy her, to "get rid" of that stressor, to eliminate that thing that is disturbing the systems. After all, that's what you do to bad things, right? According to Razor, at least, it is. She will attack and maul and kill anything that she deems a source of hatred and rage and pain, because she likes tearing those things to pieces, that's what she was born to do. The problem is, previously we thought she just did that to anyone and anything. We didn't realize she was being motivated by a twisted moral code, one written in the instant she was born, declaring that anything that reminded her of the old Jewel deserved to die.
She doesn't understand the suffering of her victims, she doesn't understand that people aren't toys, she doesn't understand death.
In her eyes, when she cuts them to shreds, she's only doing what she's supposed to do, regardless of who she does it for, or how.

I wouldn't say I love her. That feels wrong, even in a platonic sense.
But there's this strange, wrenching affection for her in me nevertheless. Maybe it's my stockholm syndrome acting up again. All I know is that part of me genuinely pities her, despite how much she's already made me bleed, and how much more blood she would unquestionably drain from me the instant she was given the opportunity.
She's just a cruel, innocent child.

There's one bit about her that still confuses and disturbs me, though.
When she was resurrected, she was resurrected through the TAR. She was being held within the Razor Spire, and in almost every instance between that date and about a month ago, she was tied to the Tar. She would follow Jess/Jezebel (who were tied for ages, unsurprisingly) immediately after they would hack us, "punishing" us for what THEY did, or simply cutting us because THEY told her to. A few times she would even spawn FROM the Tar, not existing outside of it.
Then in mid-June-- thanks to Infinitii-- the Underground solidified into something unconnected to the Tar Room, and suddenly, Razor wasn't part of the Tar anymore.
"They gave me a reason to cut you," she said. So she never questioned her half-existence under their control. She was literally their puppet, their messenger, their little shadowy assassin. Hell, I even called her "the Razor splinter" in reference to the Tar for a while. And, essentially, she WAS. I wonder if she even had the power to resurrect on her own... probably not, there were no anchors of that sort left. So it explains why she was forcibly brought back by the Tar, and literally fused with it for so long, until she suddenly switched anchors when Infi split the Underground.
Anyway, Knife has noticed this dichotomy in her too, on his own, which is actually what tipped me off. He keeps giving her odd looks, claiming that she is "splintering," or that there are two of her. Razor just replies that "there's only one of her," seemingly unaware of the legitimate, shocking differences between her Tar-connected self, and who she is now, working with the Lowers, unattached to Jess. But she's right, too.
It's strange. She would always come out after Jess hacks-- Jess would do things to cause the body extreme pain, and THEN Razor would appear, and cut us up... but that action was ironically working for AND against the Tar? Yes, it was scarring us and causing us a great deal of pain, but it was also retributive, and motivation for us to continue fighting it... I wonder if the Tar wants that, to keep itself alive. Hm.
It was using the Overload Girl for a while, too, I think. That's why we kept confusing her with Jess/Jezebel. She was so angry all the time, because of how much pain she was in... but we didn't know, because her motivations were identical with Razor's. I need to destroy what threatens my existence.
We didn't understand that, to them, that was the only option they felt they had.

I have so many questions. So many.

...So much of our old information is wrong.
Even if it was correct before, things are changing so quickly now... a great deal of the info in the archives is false, or incomplete, or skewed. We simply did not have enough information to know the truth; that, or the information we did have was viewed through a blurry or stained lens.
With the Lower system now making itself known, so many things are changing. It's a shock, really. All of us upstairs are being forced to completely re-evaluate what we thought we knew about not only headspace, but also our system, our roles within it, and by extension, our very existences.
There is so much we don't know about each other-- about our thoughts, our emotions, our motivations, our lives. And all that miscommunication, all those misunderstandings, are what is causing us the most pain here. Knife even SAID that he was WRONG for having considered me the "sole reason for all the pain in the system," BECAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW I WASN'T PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SPLINTERS. He now admits that it would be wrong to blame me for breaking under trauma, even if "my" splinters are the ones he feels obligated to punish with blood.
But you see what I mean. There's so much we don't know.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Maybe looking back will help. Maybe it won't. But I keep getting nudged to check, even if it's just by the curiosity of those Downstairs or Underground... all I can do is try, right now.


...Oh. Speaking of trying, I forgot to mention this.
Waldorf left Central today.

She's been questioning her role here for a very long time. When we have censuses, she's often accidentally left out. She still can't speak when she fronts. She hasn't been able to find a solid role. And lately, she's been talking about how she doesn't feel like she "fits in" with us, due to her drastically different appearance... and because of how she was originally born. And today, she told us her biggest doubt of all.
She doesn't think she's a headvoice.
To be brutally honest, I've been wondering about that too. Maybe I said it before. But we all wondered the same thing with Spine, remember. She didn't look or feel like us either, her role was different, she couldn't stay stable in a color slot, she couldn't front like the rest of us. Wally had all the same problems, in one way or another. And when Spine left, shortly after she was moved to an "outspacer" slot, Wally apparently began questioning whether or not she should do the same.
Above all, though, there was one point that motivated her more than anything: her old role. Back when she was born in 2003, she wasn't born from trauma, or with a purpose to protect headspace-- that was just coming into existence back then! No, Waldorf was born to be a muse, a shining entity reflecting back bits and pieces of all the outside things that made us smile and dream. She was a mirror of all the things that helped headspace come into being in the first place.
I can't forget my original descriptions of her... eyes like a Mewtwo, hair like Kerrigan, wearing Ryou's Millennium Ring (seriously). She was something "perfectly terrible, yet beautiful..." I claimed that if I ever met her, I wouldn't be able to decide between "hugging her or running away screaming."
And the first night I met her, when I was just beginning to create a room for myself in headspace... she stood (well, floated) by my bed, all glowing blue and strange, but smiling. And I was scared, despite my wonder. Who was she, really? What was she doing there? Yeah, I claimed she was my muse, but that was all I knew about her. She held countless bits and pieces of inspiration, but if you took all that away, who was she?
She didn't answer me directly. I doubt she needed to-- that's not her style anyway. Instead, she showed me what she truly was, what her existence meant... and she took me to the most blessed dream location I have ever visited. The floating crystal forest.
She took me, and Maitru, and Ryou, and herself in a less formidable form, to that place... and I will never, ever forget that experience. To this day, I associate that place with her.
And then she disappeared.
For years I couldn't find her. I wondered about her, true, but I never saw her. Then, as suddenly as she vanished, she reappeared in November 2012, and enthusiastically joined Central as our Blue headvoice. We all loved her; she was fun and friendly and never complained, but she got sick so often, in a way that previously only Spine did. And neither of them ever got over it. Wally kept losing her voice, kept fading in and out of the upstairs...
Long story short, she and I couldn't help but wonder: did she ever truly belong up here? Or could her role, her TRUE role, that of an utter inspiration core, only function OUTSIDE of the stricter rule system Central had inflicted upon her?
She decided she wanted to try and see. So she left.

Everyone was crying as she walked out. And it shocked me to see it, too-- I was outside, in the garden, and suddenly this was happening upstairs, and I had no clue what was going on. When it hit me I could only stand and observe, as a bystander.
All the Central members hugged her goodbye as she stood at the stairway out. Laurie was obviously holding back some fierce emotions; she was the first person I saw, which tipped me off that something big was happening. Leon seemed oddly pained to see his spectrum neighbor go; he first only shook her hand, but she pulled him into a kind hug, which he sincerely returned. Nathaniel accepted her decision, and warmly but sadly wished her farewell. Julie appeared to be hiding a great deal of hurt herself, as she struggles with her own issues of belonging, and Waldorf seemed to know this. She hugged her too, in a rare moment of friendship between them.
Lynne gave her an understanding look, and a sympathetic embrace. Of all of us, she was perhaps the most sorrowful, and yet the least sad, to see her go. Spine is her moirail, you know. The two of them are incredibly close... but Spine isn't around anymore. She left too, for the same reasons Wally has left now. So Lynne understood, even if it hurt.
Josephina was sobbing. He's also the only one that didn't hug her-- after one agonized look, he suddenly kissed her, perhaps for the first time. It broke my heart to see that.
Then Waldorf waved farewell to everyone, and took her first steps out of Central, down the white steps in the garden room, on her way down to the city below.
I know she met up with Spine down there. That's good. I don't know what they're doing, but it feels positive, like they're both feeling better and more inspired already. I hope they find exactly what they're looking for.


This is all making me wonder about outspacers.
I was thinking about Ryman yesterday, and his native world, where Markus is also from. I remembered how they had slowly found our own lives outside of their native worlds a decade ago, along with the original Jewel (my conscious predecessor), having wild and fun adventures in realms that they all dreamed up together.
But they haven't been around in a long time. Did they just go back? Or is there a deeper reason?
Looking at Chaos 0, I can't help but consider the latter. CZ is the only one of our original five that hasn't moved out of total anchorage with his native world, and lately that has been putting severe strain on our relationship. I kept trying to force Ryman and Markus back into theirs, too. Is that why they didn't stick around? Is that why ALL the other Outspacers-- from all years past, from all sorts of worlds-- "faded out" of connection to headspace sooner or later, unable to anchor? Is THAT the "resonance" we saw in Dirk Strider-- was it simply his ability to DREAM of a different self, a different life, tied to his native being but free to grow and evolve beyond what he knew in his waking life? It would make perfect sense, actually... but I'm thinking now, is there another hidden prerequisite for outspacers, one that Spine and Waldorf have just now made me consider?
What if headspace is just a linking station for them? What if they're MEANT to move on beyond it? After all, we all know that we can't disconnect ourselves from the League Worlds, even if we CAN'T enter them as we are... is THAT the problem here? Is THAT why the old Jewels can't connect to those worlds while they're up here, acting as voices?
If so, that might explain why CZ is struggling now. He has several other-lives in League Worlds. He's even a god in the one Genesis hails from. But he hasn't embraced any of those here, even when every other lingering Outspacer has... and I think I'm responsible.
I try to shove him into his native canon role more strongly than I do to Ryman and Markus, and I think all three of them are suffering for it. I am essentially forbidding them from dreaming. Somewhere along the line I became convinced that "they HAD to match only ONE possible life path," the one that their original lives spelled out for them... but when I discovered the Internet, I began shackling them to THOSE paths too. Essentially I was overriding their own choices for as long as they were in headspace. I don't know how I never realized it before.
We were so wild and free in the old days BECAUSE we didn't give a damn about rules or restrictions! We weren't SUPPOSED to!! We were DREAMERS by our very nature, by our very ESSENCE, and we reveled in it. We walked in and out of so many dreamverses-- Yugioh, Sonic, Pokemon, Digimon, Sailor Moon, TMM-- everything and anything that we thought was cool and wanted to dream ourselves into, to try living, even for only a little while. And we had FUN.
But that's also what *incidents* were born from, those dramatic and bloody validations of love we all endured. That's where we got our Soul Wings, our colors, our symbols, our cores. And that's what WALDORF was tied to, too! She LOVED those other worlds, and the fact that EVERYONE was able to reach into them, to take pieces of them into their own souls... she was the manifestation of that, for God's sake. That's what her role meant. That's what a Muse IS.
...
And then, one day, I somehow decided that we couldn't do that anymore.
I "grew up." I stopped dreaming. I felt I had to "play by the rules."
They didn't start drifting away because they didn't want to be around, you idiot, they started drifting away because YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM STAY.
God, this really IS my fault. I am so sorry.
I keep trying to shove them into boxes. Didn't Laurie warn me about that, countless times? I'm not supposed to label things, or restrict things, or forbid things from growing or dreaming or living. And yet that's exactly what I'm doing.
Knife was right. No wonder he hated me. I really am the reason why we're such a mess.
If I didn't think like this, if I didn't compartmentalize and break off everything I didn't feel "allowed" to do or think or feel, there wouldn't be 50 entire people trying to exist in one body right now.

I've heard rumors, here and there, that the Tar isn't our biggest enemy, at least not alone.
In light of Infinitii's existence, people are wondering why no one talks about White energy.
What if the White energy was just as corrupted as the Black, they say, and we just didn't know about it? What if, just like the Tar, there was a being made of clotted, sick, toxic whiteness, infecting all those it touched like a virus or a plague?
People are wondering. The people downstairs are really wondering. The people underground are pointing fingers.
But I'm not saying anything, because at heart, I know what they're all thinking, fearing, dreading. I know, and I'm just as terrified.

I know how the Tar was born. I know. I've heard that story countless times.
It would be just as easy, just as straightforward, to create a similar entity from any other color.
I've done my research. I've read our archives from cover to cover.
And at the end of it all I can only come to one conclusion.

If there is a corruption of the White, some paradoxical being, made of evil purity...
...I'm afraid it would be me.



She knows a good thing now
With our own cost and all can hear the word
In my head and in my thoughts
In my head and in my thoughts

We spend the whole days all
We're feeling more apart
And we know you can do more

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

I know this journey's soon
The color of lights and our lives become as you

Please, don't let me hurt you more
It's in your stare and at your core
Please, don't let me hurt you more
Please, don't let me hurt you more

 

 

 

prismaticbleed: https://www.deviantart.com/teacosies/art/celebi-420071633 (tears)

 

 

That title just popped into my head when I sat down to write this, so there it is.

Anyway.
I am SO confused right now.
I'm trying to review old entries from 2008 in the archive, and most of this stuff makes no sense. Plus the fronter from that time period was jarringly dramatic, so it's psychologically difficult for me to read.
I don't even know if I should be reading these things. They're digging up FAR too much old tar, and old memories that I buried for my own psychological safety. But maybe I need to face that stuff again.
I'm just not looking forward to how the lower system will react. That's making life a literal living hell right now. Yes, half of me loves them-- really, their role here is vital and I appreciate what they're doing-- but half of me is so tired of dealing with them, as they're all so broken and terrified and angry and violent. But I can't blame them. They hold all of the past trauma, for everyone else's sake. That's not fair at all. They have every right to be vicious. But... it's tiring.
It's tiring to wake up every morning with everyone fighting over the body: what it will do, what it will look like, where it will go, what it will eat, what it will say, so on and so forth. And it NEVER STOPS during the day. When one of the "non-alters" (the ones who insist "no one exists") takes over, it's almost a relief... if they weren't so horrifically suicidal, that is. So they're tired in an entirely different way.

The lowers try so hard, though. It's shocking now that they're acting out as their own coherent system, and not just a jumble of disembodied voices.
Today, some faceless female alter started trying to binge on chocolate as soon as we walked in the door. Normally I can't do anything about that as I'm not present... but the lowers were around. Knife got pissed, shoved her out of the way, and spat out what she was trying to eat. Then he told Emmett to front, so that the body could eat something healthy instead, since Emmett only eats green food (we hadn't eaten since 4PM the previous day I think? one meal a day is the norm now). And now, looking back on that memory of theirs, I am SHOCKED to see that Emmett not only fronted, he fronted WELL. Well enough that, as soon as he "anchored in," his first thought was "why is my mouth so short?" He kept chewing big bites with his mouth wide open, all exaggerated, trying to make his face "elongate." He got really distressed over everything feeling wrong. Then he realized there was more of a body beneath the head, and that made him anxious to the point where someone else stepped in. They told him to just relax and eat, while they moved the hands to feed him the food. It was so bizarre, it was like there were LITERALLY two people there. And then it got even crazier. The mother was in the kitchen then, and asked the body a question-- but neither Emmett nor the unknown girl moving the hands heard her, OR answered. A third person did. THREE PEOPLE WERE IN THE BODY THEN. All I know is that they somehow spoke through Emmett eating, and it's described as "like it was a recorded sound being played?" Like his biting didn't even affect the voice, like the mouth didn't move to speak at all, it just responded. So I don't know if that was the AP? But geez that is insane. I didn't know any of that could even happen.
I can barely believe this stuff is happening at all. I'm not fronting when it does, so I'll not know what's going on for hours, and then I'll look at what memories I have access to and I see stuff like this. It's... I don't know what to make of it yet.

All I know for sure is that this DID thing is getting disturbingly real.
Honestly, even our most doubtful members are finding themselves forced to admit that "I can't really pretend this isn't happening anymore." I'm not sure why the undergrounders banding together suddenly punched the intensity of this through the roof, but... it makes sense, conceptually. Like I said, they're the oldest voices up here; they just haven't had lives until now.
Let me give you an example.
We went to a novena with the grandmother today. I don't know who got dressed, but the body was wearing shorts and tights when we started driving. When the lower system realized it, three of the traumatized boys and the overload girl started screaming. One of the little boys began hyperventilating. It was too triggering, too scary. But someone was already driving the body, and we couldn't stop it; lower people aren't allowed to front normally. So it was like hell, knowing that's what we were wearing, and we couldn't do anything about it. Plus the grandmother was there of course, and most of the lower people either hate her, or are scared to death of her. I know Razor and the overload girl actually tried to mentally gang up on her at one point, desperate to get rid of her somehow, to make the terror go away. They do that a lot.
Memories are choppy. I don't remember getting there. I remember sitting in the inside of the church and looking at the altar, and suddenly feeling TERRIFIED because it reminded me of Infinitii but that reminded the lowers of traumatic abuse and people started to shriek again. And I was scared too. THIS, this holy thing, was now a trigger?? And THAT bad?? I didn't know what to do. No one did really. We were so dissociated, so shaken... and then a FREAKING BABY STARTED CRIYNG DSFMND
(sorry that's the lowers)
Sorry. there was... a child in the church. You'll understand that I have no recollection of it other than the fact, because about five or six people downstairs lost it when they heard it. It was a cacophany of fear and pain and rage and terror and hate.
Somewhere around here there was a really sickening jolt, in the mind and body... some sort of convulsive shiver, like an elevator dropping a few feet, the room spinning back with a punch to the face. And in an instant, I felt the active level SWITCH.
Suddenly the lowers were back underground, mercifully free from having to front at that time-- and Central was back in the front seat.
Then I was upstairs-- me, J! I remember that much. (I haven't been typing this entry btw, sorry I didn't clarify that; things are too messy to do so lots of times.) I was talking to Xenophon and explaining to her that the lower system felt pain differently than most. To them, sharp physical pain-- blood and knives and scars-- was almost comforting. It was reassuring to know exactly what it was, and why it happened. To them, that kind of pain was good, it was sensible. But hearing a child? That was horrifying. Same with being touched, even just a poke on the shoulder. I explained to Xennie that even though that didn't physically hurt, it hurt them emotionally and psychologically. To them, a touch or a sound like that was so triggering, that it felt like a warning siren... one they couldn't escape from, one that was lethal. To them, it meant that within the next few seconds, they WERE going to be hurt again... badly. But although that didn't always happen, they could not afford to take chances. So they lived in terror of those things, never feeling safe, waiting to be attacked by that child or that person, just so it would "be over with" and they could run away somewhere else. I remember the catatonic red voice came out when the others wouldn't stop screaming, for that very reason. He looks so much like me. It's heartbreaking.
The next thing I remember is Josephina driving.
Yes, JO!! Believe it or not, headvoices (Central people) don't usually front. That's not their job. But there he was, trying to keep things stable, as he was OK with the outfit and we were all vaguely aware that the lowers weren't happy with it.
Julie came out for a few seconds later-- there's a vivid memory of the very first instant she saw when she moved in, looking at the priest giving the homily. That is literally all I know of that.
I don't know how the rest of the service went. I don't know who fronted, when, or how.
But I CANNOT forget what that beginning time period felt like.
The undeniable, drastic switches... the inner turmoil... the knowing that I was only fronting for about five minutes...
This is getting really scary now. Sure, it was scary before, but... back during the "Julie days," at least "I" was the main person driving, until the infamous "mind leakage" thing with Laurie bleeding internally happened... and I at least KNEW who would hack me, and how... we knew her methods, and her triggers. We had a degree of control over the situation. But don't get me wrong, it was TRAUMATIC. The face-changing, the merciless humiliation, the... i dont want to write about it.
But it was that one thing to worry about. Just ONE THING.
Now... now there are 50 of us here, not 5. Those years of trauma broke us, badly. There are people downstairs who are so hurt that it breaks my heart on top of everything else. They're desperate, twisted, frightened souls, dark and bloody and bleeding, incapable of living the life they are forced to inhabit. Upstairs, we have it so easy now, compared to them.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
The point is this:
THIS IS REAL.
I can't deny that anymore.
This is real, this is hell, and for heaven's sake, we need help.


People are trying to talk to me on Skype and I really can't do it. It's emotionally draining to talk like this. I am literally cut-and-pasting responses, just spitting out stock phrases and one-word replies. No one's noticed yet. It's sick that we're so good at this.
The most painful part is that I have no ill will towards these people. If they want to talk to us, I don't want to be rude and refuse. But it's just so, so difficult. As soon as I close this window I'm probably going to collapse on the floor.
I want to leave and exercise or something but I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to apologize and excuse myself. I'd stay on here parroting responses until 1AM if that's how long it took for them to get tired of talking to me, even though I have classes tomorrow and those alone are stressful enough.
I don't want to think about this.
Maybe I can just... yank out the internet cable so I'll have an excuse as to why I suddenly disappeared. Maybe someone else can do it. I don't have the guts. But someone else would have to feel they had a good reason to do so. "We're not your playthings," they essentially say. "We're not your puppets. We don't have to do ANYTHING you tell us to." Which is correct. They are living beings just like me. They're not "accessories" to me, just because I'm shamefully "proud enough" to consider myself the main fronter here. I wish I weren't. I really, really wish I didn't have to be the one up front all the time, simply because I'm the easiest one for the AP to shove out of the way when things get awful and we need to pretend "everything is okay."
You do know that's why the AP exists, right? It's a buffer. It's a censor. Since headspace is always moving, always watching, our words and feelings and reactions WILL and DO leak out unless something is in the driver's seat preventing anything from translating. Hence the AP. But it's a curse, too. It means that we literally wear a voiceless mask all the time. It means we cannot interact with people outside of a program. It means that NO ONE IS ACTUALLY IN THE BODY 90% OF THE TIME, AND NO ONE OUTSIDE REALIZES IT. People know and love a construct. All of us, the ones who are really watching and feeling and living and breathing... we're hiding behind it, afraid to show our faces, afraid people won't accept our existences, afraid of dying again. And some of us are getting very, very angry about that fact.

I think that's old too. Which is why I'm re-reading the archives in the first place.
I remember way back, when there were only four or five of us known in the system? But no one was anchored, so behavior was weird, and unconsciously painted... and there was this ONE TIME Laurie and I were discussing Julie, and she described our resident pink shadow as a normal girl stuck inside our body.
I have NEVER forgotten that. It was so weird, because Julie IS an "introject;" whoever the main consciousness was in 1997 or so CREATED HER, fully consciously... created her to be a waste receptacle for all the "bad things" and "evil thoughts" that the original fronter had and didn't want.
But Laurie was right in a way, and we ALL forgot that fact. Julie was created as just a girl. Down to the bone, that's what she was. And then she was stuffed full of tar.
I've never thought of us all that way before. I've never... never respected our situation enough to look at it through a compassionate, humanitarian lens. We're all just people. Even the nonhumans here, haha. Seriously though, that's it. We're individuals with a different life situation than most. We've been through hell and back and we keep stumbling into new hells all the time. But we're PEOPLE!! We aren't delusions, or fantasies, or fake things... we are REAL PEOPLE and we have REAL LIVES and we need to remember that, I can't believe I literally never realized that before.

...I can't believe I never realized that before.


Excuse me please, I think I need to let all of this sink in.



There must be something that keeps me awake,
Or some kind of pill I can take,
To break these bad habits.

I would lie if I said that this didn't get tough,
Two left feet on the floor in a Waltz,
At an odd tempo.

Am I stuck at the ankle, or caught at the knee?
A curious puzzle still cursing me,
To follow or lead.

You gave me a heart and then taught me to hurt,
I can't tell just which option is worse,
Dying pure or aware.

So these feet keep on tripping in triplets to beats,
Too far off for my ears to reach,
Just a hint of timing.

Am I stuck at the ankle, or caught at the knee?
A curious puzzle still cursing me,
To follow or lead.

And I don't know where I'm going,
Cause I can't see the road, oh it's winding,
Just as long as I keep breathing,
I've got this uncomfortable feeling,
Heavy feet, shaky hands, troubled heart.

 



 

44

Jun. 13th, 2013 01:45 am
prismaticbleed: (held)

 


We pinpointed two 'newer' voices today.

One: the "screaming" one Jezebel kept overshadowing. Turns out, the real one is just desperately overwhelmed, and hates the world because of it. This voice is female, with very straggly hair and wild eyes, but she's not disheveled: she seems more like a panic attack personified, all needles and boiling nerves and racing thoughts. She came out a few times today (she has been VERY loud the past few days and today we just let her through), starting when we were driving home from an errand and some guy in front of us had a souped-up car that was spewing fumes. The smell made her so furious that she burst into fronting with a desperate "f*ck you!!" before starting a tirade on how everything was wrong around us-- the sounds were too loud, the smells were too strong, the colors were all wrong-- she was so distraught by every bit of sensory input around her that she was torn between screaming and sobbing. J (I think? feels slightly different) kept telling her to calm down and "think happy thoughts," doing everything he could to soothe her, but she was inconsolable and as a result we don't remember most of the afternoon.

Two: some adult male that doesn't feel quite human, that J is calling "knife" temporarily. Why? Because "Razor" was named after her trigger weapon, too. We'll elaborate on that later, though... that ties into a lot of information that we don't have the time to type right now. All we have to say about this voice for now is that he is bizarre; he doesn't feel "bad," just disturbing... and the fact that he keeps calling J his "baby boy" while literally sawing his sternum open is no less unsettling.


As for the 44, that is our tentative total of individuals in headspace. As we were tallying only 19 just a month ago, this is quite a shock.
That is our biggest bit of news, and since Central is still locked and the body is falling apart as we speak, we felt it was only fitting to post the full lineup here, in lieu of any substantial updates.
Here are the current totals:

10 CENTRAL HEADVOICES:

7 OUTSPACERS:

 4 UNDERGROUNDERS:

7 OTHER NAMED VOICES: (+Minty) (+Spinny) (+Autopilot)


>16 NONCORPOREALS: listed as follows.
-- emotionally dead male; often comes out in abusive situations. feels nothing, will let anyone do anything to him. only reactions are eye aversion and silent crying. disturbingly hard to remove from fronting.
-- another apathetic one; knows headspace is real but refuses to acknowledge it/ wants it gone. gender unknown; there may be two.
-- two promiscuous, abusive women (don't front). one has long brown hair, other has long blonde hair. both are adults. they are mercilessly abusive but "don't want to get caught"
-- an unidentified "dangerously promiscuous alter" mentioned once online; may be one of the former two. I have no actual memories of this one.
-- super logical one, doesn't understand emotion: "that reaction made no sense." analyst, finds inconsistencies. fronted for an entire therapy appointment once.
-- young male child, terrified of femininity, esp. being touched, approached, or spoken to by women. stutters. whimpers a lot, high pitch whine. once badly triggered by women's shoes. scared of being a "bad boy"? at one point he was oddly linked to kyanos before he reset.
-- young female child, only fronted once and passed out from expectant fear and panic: she was resting on the bed, grandmother in room, kept thinking "I'm going to die"
-- punk rocker girl: born from rock band maybe? whoops and yells, always excited. sings loudly to everything. amazing musician too, wrote most of 2008 fl stuff? may co-front with the art/writing one(s), check mitchell for proof.
-- teenage "romantic" girl. histrionic, obsessed with romance as an idea, can't actually hold physical relationships. uses pet names, very dramatic. dated jacob.
-- "perfect girl," made for jobs and pleasing people. speaks programmed phrases. smiles a lot, no comprehension of 'problems.' makes lots of plans and promises but won't commit to anything? can't express individuality: will freeze or shut down if asked to. possibly tied to romance girl, maybe a splinter of her.
-- another girl who hates relationships and sexuality, wants to kill/hurt anyone related to it. first appeared in college. MIGHT be tied to razor/jezebel?
-- whiny, self-pitying, complainer girl. old jess?
-- gent. mostly composed, perpetually amused, loves adventure. still rather undefined; can bleed into next two
-- maverick. wants to experience world, dislikes mundane life. motivator but chill. likes to sing. very rare fronter
-- queen. speaks with lisp. criticism and sarcasm, but with a "don't take it so seriously " undertone. somewhat prissy
-- adult male, has severe body dysphoria, to the point of emotional breakdowns.


Understandably, the inner world is in a state of havoc right now, what with all the swirling energy of so many individuals, and the pain it inevitably carries from the sparks of their existence.
Nevertheless we will persevere as long as we are able.

That is all we have the time to say tonight. The body has been feeling extremely sick so we need sleep.

 

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