HEADSPACE NOTES

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Disjointed running entry while I'm thinking of these things.

WAYS TO TELL APART SIMILAR DOWNSTAIRS VOICES...

FEELINGS OF ANGER
• Overload is the trickiest: she doesn't get "angry," she gets overwhelmed. Waves of outward violence are common, BUT they are backed by feelings of trapped panic or desperation, NOT fury or rage. Triggers for her are also NOT related to human touch, those will trigger a fear-alter instead.
• Sugar only gets angry at sexual/ suggestive things, or suggestions of such. She is NOT triggered by actual touches; again, fear-alters react to those. Her anger is outer and caustic, like a focused explosion, and it is often spontaneous. She WILL attack people if not stopped.
• Jess gets angry at being told not to do things, or by feeling "controlled" in any way. Her anger is inner and feels "toxic;" if she spits it at other people it's passive-aggressive and usually verbal. She will fiercely judge and hate people, but she does not attack.
• Knife has a quiet and "dull" anger, more of a feeling of judgment. It does not hurt or burn, it feels more like a shadow. His anger is ONLY directed towards fronters. He has no concern for the actions of outer people.
• Razor DOES NOT GET ANGRY, contrary to popular belief; she's only "manic." Her sole concern is whether or not she can cut things. However this means she CAN co-front with an angry person, waiting in the wings for permission to attack. Thankfully she has only actively directed that inwards so far.


FEELINGS OF FEAR
• David immediately starts wailing and/or crying. However the AP will usually send him back inside shortly, so he will front for about 10 seconds and then the body will "shut down" temporarily to recover. If forced to stay out (typically by social interaction), David will begin stuttering and sobbing in terror, running away whenever possible. He is most often triggered by touch.
• The "dead red" guy goes into an unmoving, unspeaking state, usually shaking and with very closed body language. However, there is always a very real feeling of terror and hopelessness buried in him. He is only triggered if there is NO way out of a situation, as he has no capacity to run away on his own.
• The little yellow girl panics immediately. She does not run either, but only starts shaking and holding back screams; she doesn't cry. She's more often triggered by potential danger, such as being in the same room as a threatening person.
• Jeremiah panics and looks for safety, but he's more "hopeful" than the others and will not focus on the trigger itself. Weirdly, so far he has only fronted AFTER hacks; he seems to exist to "buffer away" that stuff from the littles. He is not triggered by fear of any other sort.
• The other little boy DOES NOT FEEL ACUTE FEAR, only a sad, surrendering sort of defeat. Therefore he is triggered passively, and has not yet fronted in the body actively. He types more than anyone else in this group, but is still mostly an enigma.


IMPORTANT NOTES

• In light of recent events, there seems to be a MAJOR DISTINCTION between physical and non-physical sexuality. Most fear-alters are triggered by suggestions-- voices, mannerisms, movements, sounds, colors, and the like can ALL elicit either Sugar's rage or David's terror, for example. However, when actual physical touch is involved, explicitly sexual contact gets a FAR different reaction than general touch-- the latter almost always triggers David, while the former gets the "dead" alter. Anything that's a threat of sexuality gets a reaction of fear, panic, violence, rage, etc... but when ACTUAL physical sexuality is faced, everyone SHUTS DOWN and the body goes into a DEAD STATE, dissociating entirely. THIS IS WHY HACKS ARE COMMON AT NIGHT; THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIGGERED BY ACTUAL SEXUAL ABUSE DON'T FIGHT BACK. THE ONES WHO DO FIGHT BACK ARE ONLY TRIGGERED BY THREATS.
• David and Kyanos were "fused" for a while, because they were trigger-forced into manifestation in the same slot on 042313, with David being the stronger consciousness. When Kyanos died in May they broke apart, and gained their own respective bodies after the 060113 bluescreen. This fusion occurred because, at that point, the Spectrum had a very finite slot lineup, with only ONE mutant blue position.
• Minty MIGHT be semi-responsible for this splitting of their consciousnesses, as the night before the bluescreen she found Kyanos in the city, ghostly and barely alive, BUT with his new angelic body (apparent non-manifestation; he was effectively "ghosting" in headspace from his formless state, that is BIG in and of itself). He wished that he could "live a life where he wouldn't be afraid anymore." Minty said she'd try to "grant that wish," imploring to the stars to do so. The next time Kyanos was seen was 060813 (possibly thanks to the Subeta visual aid), he had a solid body and was anchored into an entirely different slot.
• Jeremiah was FORCED to manifest by the AUTOPILOT on 060813, during a graduation ceremony, WHILE Central was still locked out! I have a snapshot memory of the AP and the younger Jewel in the mid-levels (the stark white hallways beneath Central City), surrounded by several formless voices, most of whom were trauma-triggered due to all the females in gowns around us. The AP demanded that anyone who fronted should have a face and name, and therefore "shocked" the loudest one at the time into doing so. That person was Jeremiah. THAT WHOLE INCIDENT HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED because it occurred during the "dead period" and it is ONLY accessible via archival memory.


QUESTIONS TO ASK

• Concerning the sexual abuse point again, what the hell is Eros' deal? Sure, he's our biggest help in 'coping' with triggers, since he can view them from a non-traumatized perspective... BUT HE'S ALSO THE MAIN REASON WHY WE KEEP GETTING HACKED, BECAUSE HE'S INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THAT SIDE OF IT! Needless to say, the entire Underground is pissed off at him, and I know for a fact that Sugar has every intent to kill him if she finds him. I, for one, am disturbed because this guy specifically splintered off of my consciousness and I DO NOT want him back, but I'm scared because Christina keeps demanding I "accept" that stuff and frankly I would rather die. Anyway that's not the point. Figure out what in the world is happening here, and whether or not we can turn Eros into a safe individual.
• Were Kyanos and David fused with the THIRD little boy from April, the one that is STILL unmanifested and likes to write in this journal a lot? Find out as much as you can about this third person, because being formless yet, he still has access to archival memory. (He simply might not have a solid anchor yet.) See if you can talk to him late at night when he likes to come out.
• On that note, by 052313, Kyanos was still dead BUT David and the other boy WEREN'T. Sugar was also evidencing through spontaneous fronts at this time.
• WHO exactly is the "red voice" from around April? It WAS female, but felt like a weird fusion of Jewel and Jess. Since the Tar was getting into everything back then, it might have been so! Either way it still exists, although it does not have many fronting opportunities now due to the Lowers manning the house (thank God). Get as many details on it as you can.
• HOW DID CHRISTINA TRIGGER A LOCKOUT/BLUESCREEN AND WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED THERE???
• Razor and Jess killed Christina on 062213, but she manifested EXTREMELY quickly, and didn't reset. This is disturbing, especially because Razor refused to kill her again until she found out WHY that happened, to prevent it. Christina apparently HAS reset recently, though, judging by her dramatic personality switch. FIND OUT HOW/WHEN IF POSSIBLE.
• There was a malicious headvoice in a dream on 061213; was that her, or someone else?
• DID THE LOCKOUT PERIOD "FRACTURE" HEADSPACE?? Prior to that the Spectrum was the core, but afterwards, TONS of broken color positions opened, allowing all the voices to anchor into bodies of their own. Was this intentional, or a side effect??
• Are Sherlock and the Autopilot linked? REMEMBER, Sherlock has fronted for many of our therapy sessions and research binges (he's obsessive with knowledge). On the contrary, the AP is more robotic, and has only fronted as an individual ONCE, during that job application at the beginning of June, when Central was locked. During that time, it could ONLY communicate with the child Jewel. Similarly, Sherlock (when inside) could only talk to Mulberry at first? Basically just look into these two, and clarify the contexts of their consciousnesses.
• Sugar and the overload girl MIGHT have been fused while the former was gaining manifestation energy; ironically, they both deal with entirely different things BUT some of the things that can trigger overload (and David) also trigger Sugar (certain sounds mostly). Basically that whole group is a sorry mess, so work on helping them refine their energy if possible (overload isn't solidly anchored yet btw, and Sugar feels highly unstable).
• Eros is an incredibly intriguing individual, mostly because he was co-fronting with the red incarnation of J for MONTHS before he "split off" and became his own person-- and that possibly didn't happen until AFTER the Scratch, when J completely switched colors: a phenomenon never before seen (all previous core-fronters have been Red).
• Why is the Red slot still such a mess? NO ONE BESIDES RAZOR HAS ANCHORED THERE, and those who have tried have all been "splintered" or otherwise highly unstable.
• On that note, why is the Blue slot similar? So far, EVERYONE who has tried to anchor there has DIED IN SOME WAY (Nathaniel, Kyanos, David, even Waldorf). WHY??
• What is the Brown slot? Is it really a mutation? Since that slot seems tied to body voices (Jewel, Jayce, Jess), there are a LOT of questions surrounding it in general.


THINGS TO DO

• Make a list with lower alter names on top (Sugar, Overload, David, etc.) and then beneath the names, WRITE MENTIONS OF THEM PRE-MANIFESTATION. For example, under Overload, you'd post the example of her freaking out over car exhaust and FRONTING while we were driving home. Make sure you have a clear picture of these guys, because doing that will help THEM to anchor more clearly; energy is a mess right now and you're the man who helps it get back in order!
• REVIEW EVERYTHING FROM THE LOCKOUT PERIOD (ESP. THIS)! The lockout lasted from 060113 to approximately 062013, which is INSANE.
• A lot of crazy stuff happened on 070213 AND 070313, please review them, esp. the latter because I wasn't there for most of it but it was HUGELY significant.
• The Lowers are trying to figure out which of them spoke in which hijacked entries from here. Help them out, because the more we learn, the easier it is to pinpoint typing styles and attitudes-- which is difficult as we don't have the visual aid of handwriting, or the mood of vocal tones.
• START HOLDING WEEKLY XANGAS AGAIN. No matter what, those ALWAYS super-boost System growth, so having one right around now would be hugely beneficial.
• Draw people. That is all.
• Draw up a tentative "map" of Headspace if possible; remember it's NOT "physical" so it does not obey earthly laws of space; several areas "float" or do not "exist" in physical terms, at least not in comparison to their appearances within headspace (think the Tardis, AND that room Laurie was in in that one dream).