the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

Hell morning again.
(Despite that, by the time we went to bed, we felt oddly content? Saying night prayers together as a System, in the quiet dark, we were able to see and treasure little points of light through the day, that completely overpowered the scary and difficult things that had happened. I just want to mention that. Julie and I especially really grew a lot closer today through all of it.)


Rosary thoughts=
We get feelings of anger we look at pictures of jesus or Mary that have blank Faces, Or that look so serene and unruffled no matter how much we're suffering. It doesn't feel right it feels almost spiteful, Like our childhood, We would cry for help but people would just smile at us and do nothing, not even sympathize.
This is why a suffering savior and a sorrowful mother are so important.

Also realizing where we get that same terror reaction looking at holy Pictures during the rosary especially with no music to distract our thoughts, It's a trauma response it's actually looking for every possible threat in the picture.

Dyspnea is returning suddenly?? Yesterday & today. No apparent triggers.
We haven't had it at ALL since May, so this is weird.

Adelaide's role is A NURSE! SHE'S NOT A SOCIAL; SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE "IN THE BODY" AS IDENTITY!! Her job is to "accompany" the body being seen as a "person in need," like an elder who needs such close care! She TAKES CARE OF IT DIRECTLY ALONGSIDE IT; she is "driving" but NOT "FRONTING."
This is why she was so angry for so long-- she was being FORCED INTO FRONTING ALONE and that anger was a NATURAL ANGER RESPONSE TO DISSONANCE!!

Church at SJE. Made it to confession... and the response was JARRING.
This is almost verbatim as it hit so hard=
"If that was all in one week, you have too much time on your hands." "You're making up sins." "Why are you doing [that strange sin]? You must have some reason for it." "You're doubting God's love? At Christmas?" "Do you think your sins are so powerful that even God can't forgive you?"
And again, "You really need a spiritual director."
Listen, I am DEEPLY GRATEFUL for such a "tell it to you straight" priest (very fitting that he was wearing purple), but I am still VERY CONFUSED?
...


Evening carrots & Bishop Barron
UNEXPECTED ABSOLUTE CHECKMATE TO THE THRISKEFONI????
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0Bc3QPnw4ioPZt9P8taAWn?si=bjPHH5-KQ8eJJX47tMWyLw
SERIOUSLY TYPE ABOUT THAT ASAP BECAUSE IT IS IMMENSELY IMPORTANT TO US


8pm JUAN DIEGO DOCUDRAMA WAS ON EWTN!!! That's the one that LITERALLY CHANGED OUR LIFE and made us love BOTH that Saint AND OUR LADY, when prior to that film we had been acridly averse towards BOTH.
We literally sat down on the bedroom rug, in the dark, and just watched it together as a System.
I remember Leon and Scalpel both being so moved by Juan Diego's humble sincerity and emotional purity.
...


Waiting for mom to show up & switch cars for Mass tomorrow. Very anxious about driving at this hour but our brain is numb. Too much at once.
Dreamwidth is down so we can't update or edit or review, and we're panicking about the possibility of losing the archives as a result. We NEED to back up our site uploads ASAP because that's the ONLY PLACE WE HAVE THEM SAVED RIGHT NOW.

Small night drive
CZs Playlist on shuffle, God gave us "Tidal Tempest" (a much needed fond memory rush) & a song by Nick Leng that I had never heard before, but that was so unexpectedly applicable to our life lately it ached.
I'm amazed that you wanted someone like me.



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Universalis today

"...the Lord is a God of judgement, and blessed are all who hope in him. There is first to be a conversion and a cry for help. Only after the Lord has given the bread of suffering will the grace be given. Repentance is necessary before the benefits can flow."
...

"The prophecy of Isaiah promises material plenty... Then in the gospel passage Jesus fulfils the prophetic promises by sending out the disciples urgently to proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom by curing the sick, cleansing the lepers and driving out demons. Is the gospel only a matter of material plenty, of prospering unreservedly and of avoiding unpleasant diseases, as so many [worldly evangelists] proclaim it? They gain followers of short duration in the hope of comfort and prosperity, until the crash comes. This is not the gospel proclaimed in Matthew’s Beatitudes: ‘blessed are the poor in spirit, the meek, the peacemakers, the persecuted’. The blessing of God is upon them, in the sense that the Hand of God hovers over them. This [proclamation by means of healing] is not the same as providing ‘the fat of the land’ of the TV ‘evangelists’ for the followers of Jesus. These actions of the disciples are the symbols of the conquest of evil and distress. In story after story Jesus’ Heart goes out to the unfortunate and distressed, to the despised and the outcast, and He insists that the judgment of His followers will be in accordance with their adherence to the same standards of [His] caring for the poor, the sick, and the afflicted. In the Beatitudes according to Luke this is even more obvious, for there it is ‘you who are hungry now’, ‘you who are weeping now’. But Jesus does not promise that they "will live on the fat of the land"– only that they will have their fill and will laugh. The joy of the followers of Jesus rests in the confidence and firmness of a relationship to God the Father and His Messiah."
Why am I pasting this whole thing? Because it's a daily battle I have to fight, with my family & this society & myself.
How does Jesus fulfill these promises of "plenty?"
1) He sends out His disciples. Already the focus shifts from "things" to "people."
2) He sends them to "proclaim the Good News of the Kingdom." This is the true wealth: the Kingship of God, Who IS our all in all, everything we need forever, our Provider and Father.
3) They proclaim this Kingdom BY HEALING PEOPLE. This shows that God HAS POWER OVER ALL DISEASES & DEVILS. Isn't that true riches? Without a healthy body, the richest man on earth benefits nothing from his wealth... and without a healthy soul, even a healthy body is useless & doomed to death. God is literally transcending all mortal priority & redefining in truth what "plenty" is to man.
4) Specifically, the disciples are to cure lepers & the possessed.
5) THIS "PLENTY" GOES TO THE POOREST OF THE POOR!!
...
Now for the rest of it.
1) A reminder = The CROSS is the Gospel. The Beatitudes are our blessings. Jesus Himself had NO "material plenty," other than what He was given in charity & which He freely shared with all His camaraderie, and donated to those in need. THAT was the true "plenty"-- the generosity, the compassion, the giving & sharing, the active grateful recognition & demonstration that ALL IS GOD'S, and we are but stewards, and this brief life we have been given on earth is meant to be spent, not hoarded, poured out for the love of God & others and thereby investing solidly in ETERNITY. This, too, is real prosperity-- the flourishing of virtue, allowing grace to flow through you to others without selfish hindrance. You will "succeed in all you do" if your ultimate & only goal is to honor & serve God, and to do His Will. Then circumstances cannot ever leave you bereft, for your eternal hope is untouched, your spiritual harvest sure, fixed as they are in God and His Kingdom. Even if you fall deathly ill or are permanently injured, this is no curse if it is united with Christ. When we receive even our sufferings from His Hands, they BECOME blessings.
2) And THAT is my FAVORITE LINE of this-- the humble & meek, the persecuted peacemakers, the hungry & weeping, ALL of these souls are paradoxically BLESSED, BECAUSE THE HAND OF GOD IS UPON THEM. What a grace!! What a grace to RECOGNIZE that truth WITHIN those afflictions!
...
3) When we are genuinely so afflicted, the Heart of Jesus goes out to us.
...
4) Jesus INSISTS that the suffering BE CARED FOR. And isn't that another paradoxical blessing? When we are truly "one of the least of these," we become the recipients of Jesus's mandate of compassion. We become living opportunities for God to use others for Love, and for others to show and share that Love. We, in our very sufferings, are God's canvases to MANIFEST the Kingdom all the more, by His grace.
...
5) The action of curing IS BUT A SYMBOL of something even greater, something that DOESN'T REQUIRE A PHYSICAL CURE TO BE REAL.
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6) THIS is why our care & compassion for the poor, or lack thereof, is apparently & shockingly our JUDGMENT STANDARD before the very Throne of the Creator. 
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7) "NOW." Not eternally.
...
8) "Have their fill" vs "live on luxury," really. And LAUGHTER.
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9) THE REAL & TRUE JOY, THE REAL ABUNDANCE, IS ONLY & ALL FOUND IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE FATHER, THROUGH JESUS-- specifically in the "CONFIDENCE & FIRMNESS" of such.
...


"All that came to be was alive with His Life: may our lives be a light for men. Come today through the Church, Lord Jesus."
Oh this is PROFOUND.
1) Life itself comes from God, Who IS Life. The gravity of that doesn't always sink in as it should: God, the Uncreated and Eternal, Love and Truth Himself, IS LIFE. All existence, all consciousness, all breath and blood, ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE GOD EXISTS. Language fails me. Life, the basic state of everything, IS INHERENTLY GOD'S. But more specifically, even more profoundly, it is CHRIST'S. Literally the principle of BEING that exists and animates every star, every plant, every animal, and especially every human, IS CHRIST'S. It's like a blood transfusion, somewhat-- the life of another now gives you life, and without it you would die. But this is infinitely more. Christ gives Life to EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE HE IS LIFE. IT'S ALL HIM.
I'm sorry, I cannot say what I'm feeling. This is just astounding me. It's beautiful, it's terrific, I am so humbled and joyful that THIS IS OUR GOD, THAT IS WHAT GOD IS LIKE, God has poured His own spark into everything that is in order for it to LIVE.
2) SOLELY BECAUSE OF THIS, our own lives CAN be "a light for others"-- because they can SPECIFICALLY reflect the TRUE AND ONLY LIGHT to them, through our own life, AS HIS LIFE, as from Him. Literally just be existing we are testifying to the glory of God, to the goodness of Christ, but we humans have the unique gift of CONSCIOUSNESS and so we can reflect CHRIST as a Person qin a more "accurate" way than any other created thing-- especially since HE BECAME MAN Himself, TO help us to do just that!
...


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Book devotionals.

ttywpf =
"God does not wait for us to go to him, but it is he who moves toward us, without calculation, without quantification. “That is what God is like. He always takes the first step; He comes toward us... Where is God calling you to be like him and to take the first step toward others? Do you need to reconcile with someone? Do you need to show an act of kindness to someone in your life?"
We literally read this right after we had been thinking (for unrelated & unremembered reasons) about "reconciling" with TAS & TBAS, but feeling sadly like God "won't let us?" Like we're "not meant to be friends anymore," especially not with how abusive "I" was to them both in the past. The greater sacrifice & mercy would be to let them go free of me forever, never reimposing myself on their lives.
Still, God knows I wish that I could make proper restitution for what I did. I want, ideally, to apologize so completely and sincerely that they both have peace in their hearts, no more bitterness, no grudges, everyone is forgiven on all sides. The problem? I have no right nor power to expect such a response, or even to pursue one. There is ONLY ONE THING that I am required to do, the only thing in my power, the only thing I have any right to do-- I MUST COMPLETELY FORGIVE THEM. But for WHAT?? THEY DID NOTHING WRONG. The problem is, I'M PROJECTING MY OWN GUILT & SHAME & SELF-HATRED ONTO THEM. Even now I'm being an abuser. Typical.
...


EGJ was SO HEADSPACE RELEVANT it actually brought us to tears=
"Somehow love perseveres. We discover that compassion, patience, forgiveness, mercy, and humility are layered like mortar between the bricks of joy, laughter, delight, gratitude, and awe. Love is like that, simultaneously giving us everything we want and everything we need.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, love comes to life in defiance of all odds. When all feels lost, when cold darkness holds a tightening grip, love finds a way. The Holy Spirit inspires. Somehow we find everything we need to love one another as Christ loves us.
Today, prayerfully pause and acknowledge that the hardest things you've faced in life stirred something within you that helped you love more deeply. Name them and express gratitude for them."
...I can name them all, and I can look into their eyes as I do so.
Honestly this hit straight to the heart.
The System has, unfailingly, from the very beginning, been a powerful tool of God to help me/us love more deeply in the deepest darknesses of life. Our existence is proof that Love somehow perseveres. Every one of us is a testimony that Love comes to life despite all odds.
Christ reflects Himself in us. He uses us to bring us closer to Himself.
...


"Come, Holy Spirit! Drain from me my arrogance, my stubbornness, and my insecurity, and replace them with the Gifts of your strength, your fortitude, and your wisdom."
This is a simple prayer but I was inspired by the wording.
1) DRAIN it out.
2) The Spirit's strength replaces human arrogance.
3) The Spirit's fortitude replaces human stubbornness.
4) The Spirit's wisdom replaces human insecurity.



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VOTD = 1 Corinthians 13:13 PUNCH TO THE JAW, seriously =
"Three things will last forever: faith, hope, and love... You know what won't last forever? All your stuff... We don't care about all the stuff that people own when we talk about their life. We talk about the way that they made us feel. So how do you make people feel with your Christian life? Do people have more faith in Jesus when they're around you? Are they more hopeful about the future? And do they feel the love of Jesus when they're around you?  These three things are the true mark of a Christian and they should be a greater priority than all the stuff we're searching after: Faith, Hope, and Love. Do you have them?"
...We really don't, not anymore. WHY.
We don't make people "feel good" at all. We whine and complain and gripe and cry and panic. We're a mess. We're a horrible excuse for a Christian. Talking like this is a prime example in and of itself. Where is our hope? Where is our optimism and bright-eyed looking-forwards to an invisible yet promised dawn? What happened to us, that drained all the sparkle out of our soul?
...Most importantly, as far as our morose gut is concerned, we AREN'T living a Christian life. THAT'S the SCARIEST THING. We feel like we are STILL SO MUCH OF A SINNER that we would NEVER "pass" as a Christian, let alone "merit" to use the title at ALL.
...and... we still "don't know Jesus." At all. THAT is the most terrifying bit of it all.
How could we ever help the faith and love of others if we still don't know what that feels like ourselves?


"Advent is a time for reflecting on=
+ our faith in the Biblical promises,
+ our hope in Christ's arrival— past and future,
+ and God's love in sending His Son."
1) God keeps pushing us, more & more often & strongly as we grow in faith, to LEARN what His Promises ARE. Like it's becoming a hunger in our soul, just like that "starving to know Jesus" that keeps aiming us towards our BOOKSHELF and not our phone.
2) This surprised me. First, "ARRIVAL." Singular, referring to TWO events. This means they are ACTUALLY ONE. Christ's Birth in Humility is BOUND UP in His Return in Glory. Because the first arrival HAS happened in time, the second arrival HAS ALSO "HAPPENED" in eternity?? Look at the Book of Revelation! It's not just "guaranteed," in some sense it ALREADY IS.
Second, the actual virtue of hope, in this context. We are hoping IN, NOT "FOR". We're not looking forward to a possibility, or something that "might happen." The ARRIVAL is already present!! So our hope is IN IT. It's a beautiful paradox. We hope for "what we cannot see," and yet, that dual Arrival is the context of our entire lives!!
...
3) "We love because He first loved us." Faith & hope are ours, and will no longer be needed in heaven-- but Love is GOD'S, and it alone is truly ETERNAL.
...

On that note, the written reflection =
"Faith is crucial to Christianity. In fact, “Without faith it is impossible to please God...” (Hebrews 11:16). “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1). But one day, faith will give way to sight and what was once foggy will suddenly become clear.
Hope is also essential to those who follow Jesus Christ. And we certainly have a great hope— based on facts, evidence, and witnesses— in the God who created us, gave His life for us, and will return for us once and for all. But one day, the future we hope for will become reality."
1) Faith isn't just "belief." It's TRUST. Christianity is hinged on a PERSONAL CHILDLIKE TRUST IN GOD AS FATHER, THROUGH CHRIST. That makes our religion stupendously unique and beautiful, unlike any other.
2) No matter how much "good" you do, if you don't trust God, you can't please Him. It seems so obvious, but I think we overlook it because of how completely it destroys all self-exaltation and efforts to "achieve", and our fallen tendency for proud autonomy is very scared of that! 
3)


"Spiritual gifts (like prophecy or knowledge) are helpful to the Church but simultaneously meaningless without an undercurrent of love."
THE THRISKEFONI SERIOUSLY NEED TO REALIZE THIS.
I genuinely hate to keep "pointing fingers" at them but they aren't getting the memo, as it were, and we KNOW from accessible memory of their front-echoes that THEY REALLY DON'T LOVE. And that is tragically terrifying.
...


A last reminder, from the prayer=
GOD CREATED FAITH, HOPE, AND LOVE. They all originate in Him and can only come FROM Him. So pray and ask for an INCREASE of them in your heart, AND an increase in the CAPACITY of your heart TO hold them!! Then ask for God to increase your ABILITY TO SHOW those virtues to others, for HIS GLORY.
God has blessed us with such grace in giving us Jesus, Who IS the Source of those virtues for us!
He is The Light that conquers all darkness, as He appears right in the midst of it; He Himself IS Hope for the future. In Jesus we have invincible joy. But we must SHARE the Good News of His Birth with others, because without faith in Him, in His Advent of Love, they cannot experience true joy or hope at all-- because those virtues ARE ONLY REALIZED IN JESUS.
So BE BOLD, and PROCLAIM HIM, with sincerity & zeal, to EVERYONE. Realize the stakes if you DON'T!!
PRAY FOR THE GRACE TO DO THIS.

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An edited quote from an article=
"Jesus was born in Bethlehem so that, thirty-three years later, He could die for our sins on Calvary. Consider the Passion this little babe would undergo, as innocent at His death as He was at His birth. Reflect on His sufferings, and the incredible Love that motivated both His earthly nativity and His death."
1) I actually love pondering this truth: that Jesus was born so that He could die. That was His Intention from the very beginning. Imagine that! How that nobly colors His Life! In every moment, in every encounter, His Heart was fixed on His Death. Why? Because that Death was the point of EVERYTHING. It was to be, in time, the Event on which ALL time would reorient, and in which ALL Creation was to be remade. 
2) This next line hits SO HARD. Jesus is FOREVER PURE & INNOCENT AS A CHILD!! Crucifying Jesus was LITERALLY as heinous and horrific as CRUCIFYING AN INFANT. And yes, there ARE crucifixes that portray this most gutting of revelations.
There's also a line in the Divine Mercy Novena I always wondered about that says exactly this=
"Eternal Father, turn Your merciful gaze upon meek souls, upon humble souls, and upon little children... These souls bear the closest resemblance to [the Heart of] Your Son."
...

3) His BIRTH, too, was suffering!! As God, Jesus didn't "know" pain & suffering & sorrow like we sin-tormented mortals do. So, when in His great Love, He chose to suffer the Passion of His Death, He ALSO chose to suffer the unique Passion of His Birth. This was no "penalty of sin," just as Mary was spared the same. But Jesus was to learn, as a newborn babe, what hunger and cold and pain WERE. He was helpless, unable to even speak or crawl, completely at the mercy of others, and in great essential need-- as all infants are. But He was also born in a manger, outdoors, away from both home & society, in the frigid darkness, smelling of animals... as only the most destitute children are. He refused to be even one step above the lowliest human being; He insisted on being right there in the dirt with them, holding their hand. He chose this natal "Passion" with utmost Love, just as He chose its Paschal fulfillment-- in both, sharing most intimately in the condition of humanity at its most vulnerable & wounded. He became everything God was "not," save for sin. He became as tenderly human as possible, and this was first & foundationally expressed through His infant sufferings.



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A final quote from Catholic Answers =

"So is Advent still a “penitential season”? It is, in the sense that all times are penitential times. The Catholic is called to constant conversion. Conversion is an ongoing aspect of the Christian life. There are times in our life when conversion may have a greater focus and others when it has a lesser focus, but there is no time when attention to conversion can be absent. Jesus calls us to “be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:48), a constant task. So, yes, to the degree that we are all affected by sin (and we all are to a greater or lesser degree), in that measure, we also are all called to conversion. But the conversion we are called to in Advent has a distinctive character: one of “joyful hope.” A Catholic living Advent today is in a better position than Messianic prophets like Isaiah and Micah: he knows how the story turned out in Jesus of Nazareth. At the same time, today’s Catholic also knows how the story WILL turn out: the triumph of God and goodness, “when everything is subjected to Him... so that God may be all in all” (1 Cor. 15:28). We know that God, Who will come to judge the living and the dead, will prevail. The only thing we do not know is on which side we will be in that judgment: among the sheep or the goats. That is why Advent is a time of preparation and conversion: it is a time to make myself ready “for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ,” Judge of the living and the dead, King of the Universe. The way I prepare myself is through conversion of heart, from turning from creatures to the Creator, from sin to grace, [and] there is one, integral Life of Christ that remains the normative measure for every Christian [in this and all regards]. Whether we meditate on [it] in the rosary or observe [its events] through the course of the liturgical year, the motif should be the same: how these elements of His Life shape ours. Advent reminds us of what Jesus did for us so that, “now” (that little word we repeat in every Hail Mary), we may, by the prayers of Mary and all the saints, turn from whatever separates us from God and [turn at last] to God Himself. Advent reminds us that “now” is the only moment we actually have and are promised, as we have no guarantees of our future. So we seize the moment of grace, the kairos that is “now,” to prepare for Him who, by His past coming, made us aware He is coming back and that “My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what he has done” (Rev. 22:12). What is our response, for which we prepare during Advent and our entire lives? The very last words of the Bible: “Come Lord Jesus!” (Rev. 22:20). Maranatha!"
1) IT'S ALL PENITENTIAL. Laurie loves that. I do too.
...
2) Conversion NEVER STOPS. That's both strongly sobering & deeply comforting.
...
3) Our "constant task" in this regard is "PERFECTION"-- which CANNOT be achieved by man, nor in this life.
...
4) Advent brings joy and hope to our ongoing conversion. This is essential, because without it, our conversion can become morbid or overwhelming, especially with its perpetually penitential character.
...
5) We ACTUALLY KNOW "how it all turns out." Reflect on that, especially as we read the Biblical warnings & prophecies, AND see the worsening state of the secular world.
And HOW does it turn out? That's the beautiful bit. EVERYTHING will be subjected to God. No more rebellion, no more distortion, no more schism, no more isolation, no more disorder, no more falsehood, etc. Everything will be obedient to Christ the Lord, and Christ to His Father. God will be "ALL IN ALL." I adore that promise. And yes, it IS one! No matter WHAT happens, in all of temporal history, in the absolute end of everything GOD WILL BE ALL IN ALL. That's the last page of every book, as it were-- the complete & perfect & eternal triumph of Goodness and Life and Truth and Love, and the permanent bringing of the entire cosmos under His Holy Rule.
...
6) HOWEVER. We ALSO know that Christ WILL return as JUDGE. Sometimes I think people can forget that, in the focus on His final realized Kingship and our hopeful entrance into heaven-- too often Christians can ASSUME they're going to heaven, perhaps afraid to ponder the very real alternative, which WOULD be the ONLY option for us, if not for Christ's Sacrifice on our behalf. And yet WE'RE STILL NOT "GUARANTEED." Even now, even as Christians, we DON'T KNOW our ultimate judgment. We cannot know; that's the point. We must be vigilant & ardent & dedicated servants, both hopeful & contrite, with holy fear & childlike trust. To assume our salvation, EVEN though we hope in Christ's mercy, would be PRIDE. Furthermore, SALVATION DOES DEMAND "COOPERATION!!" It's all in Scripture! We've been called off the streets into the wedding banquet, absolutely, but are we wearing the wedding garment?
...
7) Advent is a preparation for the Second Coming IN the First Coming. Even as an Infant, Christ was Judge. His entire Life was a Judgment. How do we respond to Him? How do we meet Him in the manger, specifically, in such a scandalously humble state? If God has done this, if our King and Judge has chosen to experience this for Love of us, ALL of us, are we willing to do the same for love of Him, and all our brethren for His sake? THAT is HOW we will be judged, after all.
...
8) We must convert, but not blindly or haphazardly-- our conversion must CONFORM TO CHRIST'S EXAMPLE. That is SO IMPORTANT.
Where do we have this example to refer to? IN THE ROSARY AND THE LITURGY.
It's not automatic, either. We must meditate on it, actively pondering HOW Jesus's Life shapes our own, uniquely & individually, yet in absolute harmony with the Church-- and we must put it into action BY GRACE. That's the vital bit. We CANNOT do this by our own human willpower; it must be the work of the Spirit.
9) WE GAIN THIS GRACE THROUGH THE INTERCESSORY PRAYERS OF THE SAINTS???
...
10) Conversion is a constant turning. That's humbling & fascinating. It's like, somehow, we can always turn to face God a little more. We can always turn towards the Light. But we can also turn away, especially if we aren't paying attention.
Ponder this. Where are we turned to, right now? Where are we truly looking? In what direction are we really facing?
What creatures are we gazing at, moreso than the Creator? What sins are we fixated on, to the neglect of grace?
It's like the dirt or the sky-- you can only look at one at a time. You can either face the sunrise or turn your back to the glow.
What is separating us from God? What is preventing our turning fully to face Him?
...
11) "NOW" IS ALL WE HAVE. That is a life-changing truth.
It's IN the Hail Mary!!
...
12) The litmus test for ALL our preparation-- it must enable us to WELCOME JESUS NOW. If we're still saying, "not just yet, give me a minute, I'm not ready," then we are NOT TRULY LIVING OUR CONVERSION. To be honest about it, it MUST have that quality of FINALITY, that awareness of our mortality, and the immanent reality of Jesus's Presence NOW, which Advent points us to the historical breaking-in of. But that first Christmas CONTINUES in our hearts TODAY, and will until He returns at an unexpected hour, for which we MUST prepare NOW, no exceptions. It's not "okay, I've gotta get ready, but let me finish this first--" NO. RIGHT NOW. And the secret is that you make EVERYTHING into an act of conversion, no matter how mundane. You sanctify EVERYTHING, so that no matter where you are or what you're doing, you CAN say, "COME, LORD JESUS." You're as ready as you can be in this moment, and in that preparation-- in your constant conversion to look towards Him and Him alone-- you are expectantly waiting. You're "not the holdup." You're not distracted looking elsewhere. You've got oil for your lamp. Et cetera. You stay active in service-- you don't neglect your stewardship duties to just stare out the window!-- but you are ready in the work itself, and your deeds speak those same welcoming words in loving silence.
...

 

Up until 1 watching Kells

Oblates mass. Home & prayer. Took 40m to say altar ones

Jade pickup for therapy, music in driveway, WHO WAS FRONTING??
Vibe w colorglasses & brothertiger
huge shame undertone that they were PURPOSELY IGNORING. wtf why are socials so toxic

In office, woman threatened child. Sugar triggered, trying to move in despite social barrier. Then woman grabbed the child roughly & Wreckage was OUT, completely without warning, and SPEAKING. Voice volume forced down & fronting dulled, but she was THERE. Felt her teeth, posture change, hands shifted. "Leave him alone" I heard her growl.

No wifi so reading Max Lucado book. SHOCKED at how hard it hits.
The passage about ANGER turning from an emotion into a FORCE or SOURCE OF ENERGY??? Like a food (or hyperamped energy drink) that is keeping you alive but slowly killing you. "If you take away the zealots anger, what does she have left?" To surrender their anger is to surrender their reason to live.
MANY NOUSFONI ARE LIKE THAT. Crusade is, Cannon used to be.

Passage about "clearing the ground of the soul garden" = greed pinged BRIDGET & MISSY????????
Bridget has VERY green eyes but still brownbase hair. Dress & earrings. Realized she's not "greed" so much as vanity?? Feeling of dressing up & buying VANITY things, but not to have-- only to BOAST? Or SCORNFULLY IMPRESS??? She doesn't vibe with "purchasing," only the "looking rich." LIKE MOM.
Whereas MISSY is more greedy, but for "GIRLY" things? Like that soft blue color exemplifies. Reminds me of Tumblr "soft pastel aesthetic" moodboards & stuff, all fluff & petite things. Like those pastel color faux-fur "tinsel shape" scarf things EXACTLY. But NOT KIDCORE OR LOLI. Missy is just like 90s/00s "girly" look?
⭐Wondering what it says about their anchors that THEY were originally tied to JULIE, who exemplified tween/teen hyperfeminine schoolgirl sexuality. She was the cheerleader with pigtails & that disturbingly smooth/tight/perky bodytype that EVERY girl we see that age HAS, with the bare gams &

...

Disaster nightmare afternoon
ACCIDENT

"Even my bones are in pain, while all day long my enemies sneer and ask, “Where is your God?”
Psalms 42:10 CEV"


"This is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men love darkness rather than light, because their deeds are evil. But men who love darkness must also hate light. Its very presence makes the darkness visible; and nothing cuts to the very quick, like that which makes the heart condemn itself."


(purposely left unfinished. do not want to remember this evening at all)

+ We had a LEGIT TRAUMA SHUTDOWN last night, which was very disturbing because WE COULDN'T "OVERRIDE" IT TO FRONT. The body was designated SO UNSAFE that EVERYONE WAS LOCKED OUT-- that is, notably, EXCEPT ANY VIOLENT PROTECTOR. Shockingly, WRECKAGE could get halfway in, as could our favorite "angry writer" (we THINK?)-- who STILL doesn't have a name OR clear color (they MIGHT be dark vermilion?? in any case they're NOT RED, not even Blood; their vibes are VERY specific and DON'T match hers!!)-- but THAT'S IT. Julie tried, Infi tried, Scalpel tried, Sugar tried, Knife tried, RAZOR tried, LAURIE tried-- but ALL of them either had "inapplicable" functions OR functions that were incompatible with the perceived DANGER and "REQUIRED" behavior/ lack thereof? Retributors ARE strong & crisis-anchored, BUT they CAN'T & AREN'T BUILT TO do anything in a "FREEZE" SITUATION!! The ONLY reason why WRECKAGE & "SCALD" COULD, is because the body is frozen to SURVIVE A PROLONGED THREAT, BUT if that threat becomes an IMMINENT DANGER-- especially directly-- WE NEED TO THEN FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!! And THOSE Nousfoni MUST THEREFORE BE SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE. After literally dying from it in CNC, LAURIE IS NOT. She's actually FORBIDDEN from publically fronting SO HER TRUE FUNCTION WILL BE PROTECTED & PRESERVED. She's MEANT TO BE INTERNAL; ALL HER POWER IS ALSO INTERNAL! She fights NONPHYSICAL threats. ON THE OTHER HAND, WRECKAGE EXISTS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, who historically and notably are threatened by OUTSIDE ABUSE!!! So she CAN get a foothold, however clumsily, EVEN if we're frozen, SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE IN PERCEIVED DANGER AND MIGHT QUICKLY NEED TO JUMP INTO ACTION TO "SURVIVE" THAT DANGER.
HOWEVER. There's ANOTHER distinction. WRECKAGE STILL ISN'T A SOCIAL!!!! Her true roots are INTERNAL! She DID originally manifest OUTSIDE, BUT since the CHILDREN would not/ could not front, she ANCHORED INSIDE, to primarily PROTECT THEIR SELVES, but STILL ABLE & READY TO FRONT IF NEEDED-- a very unique case, since she IS ACTUALLY NOT MEANT FOR VIOLENCE. She would NEVER "attack" while in the body-- it wouldn't have affected the INTERNALLY BASED ABUSERS anyway. THAT'S why the RETRIBUTORS exist!! AND EVEN THEY were SHIFTED INSIDE when their external function got TOO DEEP in terms of SELFHOOD for them to remain a SELF-LIMITED SOCIAL. Ironically, that constrained & "shallow" sense of self IS WHAT ALLOWS SOCIALS TO BE "SOCIAL"!! They would NOT BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE BODY IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN SELF-IMAGE & AWARENESS? THAT is why it is SO HARD to reach them or talk to them-- typically, their very awareness of "selfhood" is minimized, so they CAN switch at hyperspeeds AND not experience body dysphoria/ dissonance in the process: THE MAIN PURPOSE OF A SOCIAL IS TO "SOCIALIZE"-- TO EXIST IN THE BODY AS A CONTEXTUALLY CONSTRAINED "PERSONA," IN ORDER FOR US TO SURVIVE THAT CONTEXT. That INCLUDES Socials who exist to CHANGE or ESCAPE that context, if/ when it is deemed intolerable/ dangerous enough to require such active interference. So that includes BOTH the scared AND the scary.
ACTUALLY... thinking about it, I wonder if ALL SOCIALS TRULY ADHERE TO TRAUMA MECHANICS??? As in the triangle of VICTIM/ PERSECUTOR/ RESCUER, AND/OR the CPTSD "STRESS RESPONSE" SQUAD: FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN. Because it REALLY SEEMS APPLICABLE and it would make A LOT OF SENSE!!! It would ALSO FINALLY give us a way of understanding AND categorizing AND possibly even IDENTIFYING the Socials at large, who have been a frustrating enigma for YEARS, preventing UNITY between System levels & seriously affecting our ability to function at ALL, let alone as a WHOLE. Socials almost ALWAYS bring along DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, either BY their fronting OR as the CAUSE/ TRIGGER FOR their fronting! Arguably, dissociation "STOPS" when they LEAVE??? Because trauma triggers-- although they DO force out Socials to cope physically, ALSO "wake up" the SPECTRUM, the "internal" nousfoni who MANAGE the CPTSD ITSELF. When the social situation is finally deemed "safe enough" TO allow ACTUAL THOUGHT & SELFAWARENESS, the "UPSTAIRS" folks IMMEDIATELY jump into action... INSIDE!!! Because THAT'S OUR JOB!!! And THAT'S why CNC was LETHAL-- it LITERALLY UPROOTED THE UPSTAIRS, dragging it into the SELF-SUPPRESSING SOCIAL REALM, and through that FORCED "REDEFINEMENT" OF FUNCTION-- MANDATED BY THE LEVEL SHIFT-- it ALL BUT MASSACRED CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHY "CENTRAL" STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECOVER-- the nousfoni who WERE so traumatically "repurposed" by that identity loss/ socialization of self, that they MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO "RECOVER" WITHOUT A HARD RESET. Which, arguably, most of them DID NOT??? The majority of us just... disappeared. They "can" be pinged in most cases, but the signal comes back MANGLED, which is HORRIFYING to consider. The pings ALSO feel STUCK ELSEWHERE?? Some undefined "space"; intangible & distant & separate. LIMINAL space, perhaps?? But the POINT is, "HEADVOICES" CANNOT FRONT WITHOUT BREAKING; at least, not for long, and even then EVERY instance is arguably "one time too many"-- it's STILL a minor trauma that FORCES a TOTAL SELF-CONTEXT WARPING. And that is OBJECTIVELY LETHAL. So, NO, WE SHOULDN'T BE "TRYING TO FRONT" IN A CRISIS-- THAT'S NOT OUR JOB!! OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT & GUIDE THE SOCIALS WHO ARE MEANT TO EXIST IN THE BODYSPACE!!! We just DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YET, because we haven't had either the knowledge OR the opportunity TO do so! But now, literally right now, we have more insight than EVER into their sphere of existence, and more HOPE than ever for the ULTIMATE UNITY of us all. God willing, and God guide us!
...There are two places to start, I think? One, is to go through our old census & determine WHICH SOCIALS fit WHICH TRAUMA ROLES/ GROUPS; and two, is to help CENTRAL heal by RE-CLARIFYING & RE-ROOTING the souls of the Nousfoni who "died off" in CNC? We need to BETTER UNDERSTAND our INTERNAL function groups, too!!! I KNOW the "emotion wheel" applies at large, but what else? OH!! And WHERE IS THE OVERLAP OF FUNCTION?? Because there ARE some Nousfoni-- NOTABLY "SCALD"-- WHO EXIST IN THE "MIDDLE"??? They DO have self-awareness, but it's DIM & very limited in depth; YET it's ENOUGH to keep them OUT of fully fronting OR occupying bodyspace, while ALSO being insufficient to let them UPSTAIRS... so they end up, again, in LIMINALITY.
It's honestly a fascinating phenomenon that we've ONLY really been able to grasp OR recognize THROUGH THE HANDWRITERS. (XANGAS TOO!!) That was our FIRST cognizance of the fact that there IS a "midspace," a liminal realm "between" the "Inside & Outside," that COULD not only "hold" Upstairs folks WITHOUT their functions totally breaking, but ALSO that HELD ITS OWN NATIVE PEOPLE. When unidentified voices becan to speak out in obvious self-awareness, we realized how much BIGGER & MORE COMPLEX our innerworld was, more than we had ever imagined. But it's STILL such a mystery. We haven't had the opportunities TO "explore" it much, because it feels like you CAN'T really "go there" OUTSIDE of writing/ typing??? It REQUIRES that "halfway" state of mind TO access-- a "liminality" VERY different from "daydreaming" ("HEARTSPACE"/ LEAGUESPACE!), which DOESN'T involve the body as anything other than an "automated vehicle" in which TO dream, but NOT containing ANY sense of self at the moment (the typical audiovisual accompaniment facilitated that)-- and it CAN'T be "forced" as a result. Really, NOTHING TRUE CAN BE "FORCED," EVER. On that note, before I forget-- concerning the life-restoration AND/OR REASSIGNMENT of the Central Spectrum Nousfoni... that absolutely cannot be forced, even with "good intentions." Just because I/we might want someone to "come back" in a certain way, that doesn't mean that they will, OR even that they CAN. So there's a huge aspect of surrender required, in the inherent functionality of our System as a whole. ONLY GOD IS "IN CONTROL." The rest of us can only cooperate, in open-hearted humility & open-minded surrender, all of it through LOVE & TRUST & HOPE. But yes. We CAN'T control the growth process but we CAN PLANT SEEDS. And we do have some, concerning the Central fracturing aftermath? Paradoxically perhaps, but hopefully still. The keyword is "fracturing." Centralites, who would LOSE their own selves upon being forced to front, "GAINED" replacement "selves" ACCORDING TO WHAT THE SOCIAL SYSTEM "NEEDED" TO SURVIVE IN THE CONTEXTS THEY CONSISTENTLY ENTERED, "new SOCIAL functions" THAT WERE ALSO "FORCED" TO STILL "COMPLY WITH" THEIR INHERENT SPECTRUM HUE CHARACTERISTICS??? Let's use Infinitii as an example, as ze illustrated this the most dramatically: the FIRST TIME ze fronted, ze was ENTIRELY hirself, so to speak... at least, in essence? BUT JUST BEING IN THE BODY mandated a mutation of being, in taking a "spiritual" creature and MAKING them "physical"-- AND BY DOING SO THROUGH the SAME BODYSPACE AS THE TRAUMA-ANCHORED SOCIALS AND SELF-ABUSIVE PERSECUTORS!!! Mind you, VIBES STICK. That poor body went through enough hell for the ECHOES of it to LINGER, and to therefore DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE WHO ENTERED THAT SPACE. I guess what I'm trying to say is... bodies hold trauma. Infi was never meant to be in a body. Putting those two things together was doomed to end in catastrophe, and it did. BUT. IT DID NOT OCCUR IN A VACUUM!!! TBAS GROOMED HIR TO BE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIR TO BE. The traumatized body was already wrecked by it, and Infi's REAL and ORIGINAL purpose WAS TO TRY AND HELP US "ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE" IN A SXABUSE SITUATION WE SAW NO ESCAPE FROM. The ONLY "escape" was surrender, and Infi sure as hell did. Black is entirely receptive. Ze WAS doomed to being fatally corrupted/ redefined by an external force that DEMANDED surrender. And ze broke. Ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST INSIDE, and hir SOCIAL function was TOXIC-- a "fawn" role that would do ANYTHING it was told, "just to be loved." Our OWN definition of "love" was smothered & crushed; at least, with them it was. We "had to" acquiesce to THEIR definition for "love" to exist at ALL. But I'm getting off topic. The point is: Infi fronted SO MUCH, in SUCH SPECIFIC REPEATED CONTEXTS, that ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST UPSTAIRS; hir VERY FUNCTION was REVISED to a SOCIAL ROLE, fatally so. BUT. LAURIE KILLED HIR IN THAT STATE, CAUSING A "HARD RESET" INTERNALLY, and therefore POTENTIALLY ALLOWING FOR A FUTURE "REBOOT" WITH A DIFFERENT-- and HEALTHY-- INTERNAL FUNCTION!! Which is EXACTLY what happened, I think this spring? But "Infi" DID "resurrect," although ze IS still unstable AND DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED. Ze PROBABLY WILL NOT, and CANNOT, truly stabilize UNTIL ZE CLEARLY "DETACHES" HIR IDENTITY FROM THAT SOCIALLY CORRUPTED "NONSELF." ...however. THAT fact is the WILDCARD here. Infi, Laurie, and probably several others who "lost themselves" through fronting-- ALL of them were "ASSIGNED A "NEW" SOCIAL ROLE-SELF" to OVERRIDE their INTERNAL self and SHIFT THEIR VERY ROOTS TO THE SOCIAL SPHERE, NOT CENTRAL!! So Central was emptied, colors faded, identities were twisted beyond recognition... and the System crashed. It LITERALLY IMPLODED, like a dying star, & REMAINED like that for YEARS... but it COULDN'T STAY DEAD. TRUE LIFE CANNOT DIE. So, color began to return, and we began to remember our TRUE hearts again, slowly. AND YET. THE BODY DIDN'T DIE. SO NEITHER DID THE SOCIALS??? And, terrifyingly, perhaps those "spectrum splinters" didn't die, either. I wonder. After all, when Laurie first resurrected, she had a TON of disturbing difficulty "STABILIZING INTO HERSELF"-- because she had BEEN DAMAGED in that respect, LOST profoundly for a time, and although the HEART of her CANNOT be damaged, that heart has been scarred nevertheless. She's STILL unstable, her function unclear now, as she tries to distinguish the truth of her new life from the lies and turmoil of her social-skewed past. And when people in here are unstable, they splinter. And I've met them. They wear her face like a mask but they are APPARENTLY NOT HER, and their appearances/ vibes are beginning to shift, the more they ARE called out as liars. Eventually we hope that they'll be their "own people" and Laurie will clearly discern her self & function APART from them. Same with Infi, & Lynne, & many others I'm sure. And although right now those splinters ARE mostly negative-- TRAUMA HOLDERS by nature-- THEY, TOO, PLAY A PURPOSE and always did. It just needs to be purified & healed. So we must strive to do so, as we learn more about them, and ourselves. I feel this is a KEY STEP in finally healing/ forgiving that trauma. God I hope so. Please help us.

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH "LOTUS"



We need to talk about this eating disorder. It hasn't stopped yet, and although we’re not as bad as we used to be, it's still harmful and it needs to stop.

So what's the focus on it tonight, kid? Anything in particular or just the whole shebang?

Well, specifically the roots, the cause of it. We need to find that, the source, the motivation, so that no matter what happens next time, we can reroute that initial impulse to something productive and/or healing.

Sounds good to me, kid. By the way I apologize-- one, it is really hard to front or be conscious right now, and two, you still don't got a bloody name so that's throwing this whole entire thing into havoc.

I'm speaking mainly through the Autopilot right now in any case, but you're right. I am still searching for a name that fits and doesn't call anyone else out. But why are you struggling to be conscious? Body fatigue? Or are we still too heavily in the social context?

Bit of both, mostly the first. All that bingeing nonsense is wreaking havoc on our collective mind and frankly that's walling us all out upstairs. Body wants to dissociate and THAT might be playing into the bingeing thing, too, kid. It's looking for some excuse to unplug for a few hours, and right now we keep bloody forgetting that we CAN walk in circles in the living room if we want to, or lie down on the porch, or in the playroom even, instead of making ourselves sick by checking out and wrecking the entire bloody kitchen in the process.

That is an extremely relevant point and have we discussed this before?

Inevitably. Unquestionably, of course we've discussed that hellish eating disorder before, or do you mean the motives? Or specifically the battles we're fighting with it now here in North Carolina?

I was thinking specifically the motives, and you saying it sounded like "wanting to die without dying" and that's really what this still is, the dissociating for hours thing.

True. But really I'm thinking we're leaving out the food part itself entirely too much and that's a massive clerical error right there. It's an eating disorder; we've got to factor in the fact that food is involved. Otherwise we'd already have options-- do we, actually? Right now, could this compulsion to binge and purge feasibly be rerouted TO anything else? Healthy or harmful, either way works right now, I just need answers.

Well, we already know it's swappable for alcoholism, and possibly drug abuse, seeing how this same compulsion gets thrown towards sleeping pills and antacids and Benadryl and dairy pills and everything else that's not immediately a toxicity risk, but even that is mouth-based. Consumption based. It all boils down to biting and chewing mainly, not even swallowing-- that infamously does Not factor into the mental imagining and decision-making process.

Really?

Really. Like when I look at plans, or memory, in the social-level head memory bank, I can see them thinking about the nut butter and oatmeal again--

Didn't they get the freaking memo? That stuff is like eating wallpaper glue. We know this. Why do they keep looking for it? The oil content alone makes us want to die, that's how we end up with kids slumped over the sink and sobbing hysterically for Jesus to help them at 3 in the morning. Our stomach can NOT handle oil and that memo keeps being blithely skipped over, what the heck, these social kids NEED to get on the ball with taking into consideration the physical consequences of those choices. Anyway, they're planning it again, huh?

Yeah. Specifically that one girl, the one with the long hair who feels partly like a manic Jewel but resonates Brown I think?

Warm brown, I assume?

Yeah. Maybe she's a deadname, but I don't think so. Not anymore. She's got the basic body overlay and she feels about, I don't know, 15? 16? Before spinningcannon.

Wait, she's chronological?

A LOT of socials are. I wouldn't be surprised if all of them prior to NC had their roots in time pockets like that. It makes sense, considering their job.

Yeah, it does. Still, it's morbidly fascinating to realize that compulsions and addictions and abuse patterns and all that can be tracked to a freaking time period just by feeling out the body-mirror resonance of the corpufoni that holds it. By the way are we still using that term? Or did we find-slash-invent new jargon for that level?

Uh, working on it. We need to do more research first though. But yeah, probably new jargon, but for now if you want to use "corpufoni" then that works in a pinch I suppose. "Body voice." I just don't like the implication of separateness from the Upstairs that that implies. They're a "nous" voice, too. Just working on a different level.

Hence why I asked if the term was still applicable, so thanks kid. I'll stick to "Social kids" if I've gotta refer to them collectively for now, no problem. But as I was saying. Or, looking back on the chatlog, as socials were saying. This girl's motivation for gorging on sticky oats. What's her prerogative?

Hold up, I'm checking data. They used to have oily oats instead, just dry oats with sugar and vegetable oil, but the thought of eating that is correctly sending oil-memory body chills through our form, and even she is shuddering at it, so that's a no-go. Someone else is feeling the obligation to still do it, though.

Boy or girl?

 

Dude, actually. Might be Jonathan, if that's the same nervous kitchen guy we've been keeping track of for so long.

What's his deal? What is his anchor even for heaven's sake? Why's he so afraid and compulsive with this nonsense?

I don't know, let me see if I can ask actually.

(…)

The sun's coming up. It's beautiful.
Why can't we eat normal meals?
We can. We just haven't decided to yet.
Why do we keep repeating things that don't work then?
Because we changed it once, and Jonathan is afraid to change back.

Jon's afraid of "changing back," huh? Then why's he perpetuating old garbage loops? You know oil in oats makes us sick, but you insist you "want" it, solely because you want to "do the thing you're used to doing." Kid your brain is an addled mess, and you're only lapsing into these harmful patterns because they're patterns. Your brain is so bloody tired and exhausted with anxiety over daily life that you're afraid to even put forwards any extra stress by trying something new, even if it would help. You just do what was done once, so you don't have to think about it. You're literally an anxiety shutdown nousfoni and you NEED to reroute that function to something healthful because it could ACTUALLY be helpful if you would just use it wisely for once, kid.

…

Speaking of. Kid. Core dude. White haired crystal-light heart fella who’s in this Xanga-ass session with me. You still around?

Always, just gotta call me.

Cool. So here I am calling you. Jonathan's motives. He's anxiety looping. Wait, no. He's mindlessly looping for the sake of avoiding a specific kind of anxiety, essentially the stress that comes from change, especially trying something new, or-- God forbid-- admitting that an old behavior pattern doesn’t work towards our health and having to figure out something new that does. Problem is, Jonathan's personal timeflow has no stops. No breaks. It's always moving like a treadmill on high and he can't even stop to catch his breath or it's going to knock him off his feet. That's why he's the one insisting on just emptily repeating old food patterns, even if they don't work or make sense-- because they're ritualized, they're literally just behaviors smashed together into a script, something "self-soothing" he can default to almost as a stim, except the problem is that it's only applying to food. It wouldn't work otherwise. Somehow, the end result of this garbage ending up in our collective mouth is important somehow. Why? Kid, you got any pointers or answers or wondering questions about it?

Of course, that's my job I think. Light. Piercing through obfuscation and bringing things to be illumined. Revealed. Understood. But yes, definitely thoughts on this. Gosh the body's tired though.

Oh yeah, that's what I was going to tell you way up there at the top of the page. You've got one hour before your Food Lion run, so congratulations for making it this far. Congrats to all of us for the record. Yeah we messed up, big time, but hey, look at this, we're having a Xanga session as a result. Cool beans. Thoughts?

Hm. Well, first things first, it's obvious that Jon's just trying to work with Iscah in developing a set meal plan here. Problem is, it's havoc right now. We should be sticking to FODMAP management as well as the dietary exchange card. We need to work within a structure, or someone else is going to compulsively throw inedible meal combos together because "this food is healthy, we Have to eat it " and ultimately just making us sick.

But the oats aren't healthy-- wait, no you're right, it's the combo nonsense. Again.

Exactly! "Oats are fiber," we need fat according to UPMC," and "we shouldn't be afraid of sugar" causes an absolute nonsense combo that is both inedible and abusive to our body because one, we cannot have oil without excruciating pain & nausea, and two, we cannot have sugar without excruciating pain & nausea.

And dizziness so freakin' bad we almost passed out from it today. Twice!

In once week! Yeah it's terrifying, and I don't know why they keep forcing sugar when they KNOW it's terrifying and we ALL think it's disgusting.

There, there's that voice. The interjection. That fearful "but we can't judge it!" that's going to MAKE us keep eating sugar "until we like it." And that's a toxic introjected thought process from the grandmother, ultimately, isn't it.

It sure it. Can't think of anyone else who said it to us but that single speaking source is important enough to be this solid. So. There's two big challenges here--

Hold up-- look at that sunrise.

Gosh. Wow. It's soulfire pink.

Sure is, kid.

…Thank you, Laurie.

For what?

Stopping us to see that. That's an important lesson. Thank you.

(...)

Another huge concern: our body has been VERY SICK lately from IBS. It's flared up spectacularly lately and we're not sure why. It's worrying us greatly.

Hold up. Gonna go sit on the porch for a minute then get back to this and finish those thoughts.

---

Some things.


- They took our knife. They found it and took it and it's gone now. So we are without weapons for the first time in five years. It's scary, we feel so helpless we're not sure what to do. If we can't find an art razor in the house I've promised Razor herself I will buy her one on Monday.

- To make things worse, we had a triple hack nightmare last night, which was horrific because it involved the brother's girlfriend spying on us naked and then repeatedly trying to rape us. who in the world has nightmares like that. why. that is not normal. but yeah we woke up in heavy pain and nausea so bad we almost called off work, honestly i cannot remember EVER feeling that sick to my stomach. waking up with the body literally heaving and trying to vomit, stomach churning, entire body feeling like it went through a haybaler. it was hellish. but after three hours it was gone. so thank god.

- we scrubbed down a corvette for three hours at work whee it was great. we were very very tired (4 hours of sleep + nightmares) but we managed. tried to talk upstairs but too exhausted. so wally laurie and jo just hung around and kept the fronters company.

- did i mention, dalton's role has basically solidified into "someone who loves cars" so he's the best to work because he really does love them, he's careful as ever and very precise with his work. which is so nice. but yeah he's a stable enough social although, being a 'baby' practically in terms of age, he can't front for very long yet. he's got an anchor but he's still growing.

- jay went to wegmans yesterday to return something and noticed they had the quarter-turn toy dispensers by the registers? and one had little "birthstone bear" keychains. so he decided to get one for minty. 75¢ later and we now have a little amethyst bear, in a plastic bubble with an indigo bottom. he gave it to minty and she was OVERJOYED. she was actually tearing up from how happily she was laughing over the gift, really she was so happy. she said that's the current "violet bear" now, she's going to treasure it forever. she showed david too, as the bubble cap was effectively his color, he smiled at that. he's healing too; he's not as angry as he was, he feels like he's getting a little older?? it's so odd to see people in here grow up. but as long as he's doing better i will accept it as it is.

- razwell hasn't been negative in a while either. at least three times over the past week his old job has been triggered loudly (laughing rather boorishly at things that aren't funny but which we are expected to laugh at, causing a sort of self-dissonance depression) and instead of falling into that programmed harmful behavior, he said NO. like he actually stood up to the "obligation" and said he would not laugh at it, "it's not something to be laughed at/about," etc. it's amazing, to see HIM healing his existence anchor after so very long. we could all learn a lot from his resolve.

- i've been cataloguing colors for the leagueworlds lately and last night, i went to make a coherent list of them for lg*girls (because it has a strict system for their assignment). turns out i made a minor mathematical error. which means we need one more usable color. and five more kids. which, actually, turns out to fit with the budding plot perfectly and i never would have figured that out if i hadn't checked and revised the color system. fun stuff! so yeah lg*girls MIGHT be getting an actual storyline soon, pray for it. i love that series for its sheer creative inspiration, but there's no depth to it at all yet. but there's a sprout. it'll grow.

- yesterday was, as far as we are concerned, officially the first day of autumn. it smelled like HEAVEN outside. so we were so so so happy, jay was euphoric for several hours straight. autumn and winter are our glory months; autumn is our "new years" and it's very alive and magical and it carries a lot of hope and determination and joy. furthermore, this year all our low-spectrum color people (spine, javier, lynne, josephina) are saying they want to work together in the autumn? which is REALLY nice, mainly because for unknown reasons the original child(ren) held a strong but inexplicable fear of those colors, especially in combination. the later parts of autumn especially, the "harvest time," still elicit a sort of gut-deep panic in us. like real shaking fear. why? we dont know. but it affects josephina the most. he's resolved to heal that color however possible so we are all trying to help. idea is, make "color collages" of positive things to have a visual reminder, to reprogram that color's associations bit by bit. it would be fun, we want to try.

- took out the "wrinkle in time trilogy" from the library yesterday, because due to 2013 those books have become permanently associated with falling leaves and brisk warmth and the real cozy comfort of autumn. also proginoskes. we love him.

- again speaking of autumn, we may have to check out "dune" again soon because last winter is a shambles of memory due to all the pain/ fear/ anaesthesia, and the beginning of this year is also a horrid mess due to hormone reversion on top of it all. so all our current problems with self-abuse and eating disorders have their roots almost EXACTLY a year ago. so. we are going to try and "recreate" the environments of those memory contexts so we can tap into those vibes and HEAL whatever in the world was about back then. lots of archive reviews will be required too, probably going to start those tomorrow.

- what else. music. spotify is wonderful. we keep finding new stuff, we'll need to post more of it on tumblr. also we're trying to write more music... mage angels, lg*girls, and rosewindow mostly. those have the most accompaniments needed, i.e. they have the most stuff up and ready to write for. so we can play with ideas for those freely, not so with things like dream world and event horizon. but yes music is happening. slowly but surely so we dont burn out right off the bad through overwork. music is lovely.

- nothing else for today i guess. today was kind of rough, with how sick we were, then we apparently had a bit of an emotional conversation with the grandmother, apologizing for our problematic behavior due to illness and trying to explain to her why it's tough and how we're trying to improve, and she genuinely listened and TALKED to us about it. which is so so so nice. there was a time when she wouldn't have. so we are deeply grateful. we do love her alot, so much it hurts, we just wish we could show it better.

- now i have mint-ginger tea on the stove and i've gotta get it so bye kids

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

@11:01 PM

 

So I went into the kitchen to have some mint-ginger tea, and this happened. I have to write it down.


Jay: Lynne, have some tea.
Lynne: Oh, thank you Jay. *tries it* Mm, it's really good. *to Laurie* You want some?
Laurie: Nah, I'm not much of a drinker. Or an eater. So, thanks but no thanks?
Lynne: *smiling* That's okay, I just thought I would ask. *then, still looking at laurie with an amused stare, she loudly sips the tea*
Laurie: Are you slurping at me.
Lynne: *serious stare + very loud slurp*
*she bursts out laughing and laurie does too*



cute people.

 

 

--rainbow sword to cut connections to tar/plague stuff

 

 

please vent about the "loss of virginity" thing in art

it's so painfully horrible and raw

 

 

I've never been attracted to human beings.

my heart sings for stranger things.

 

the people I love are all BROKEN.

 

in the beginning, laurie held everything.
as time went on,
her anchor naturally fragmented into others
and she was left with the core of it,
her own defining characteristic,
the unity of pain and love.

 

 

--When something bad or upsetting happens, my first instinct is to go to sleep. 

 

 

the idea of books/ media/ etc. holding a "CHARGE" of all the love that was put into them
i.e. takes years to write, hours/days to read
BUT!!
all the love and effort is CONDENSED, and ALL of it is COMMUNICATED.
that is why people's lives can be changed by books, comics, etc.

 

 

VERY triggering discussion here. please be careful.


 

-there is STILL trauma tied to sexuality, it's old and rooted deep but UNTRUE. the real difficulty here is letting go, or at least, helping the people that hold it to see that they don't have to hold on to it.

*A VERY important observation:
Any sort of sexual contact STILL causes body flashbacks, as well as sickening physical waves of nausea, fear, and pain.
Jay has recognized that he does NOT want sexual contact; this is being "forced" due to a misaligned "spiritual obligation" to do so. His levels are confused is all.
Start focusing on the truth of heart connections. Focus on our INNER TRUTH.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM SEEMS TO BE A SUDDEN BODY FOCUS.
This is not "bad," as it has helped us learn to love the body, BUT now Jess is using that as a gateway to hedonism, addictions, and substance abuse. Caring for the body does NOT mean abandoning the spiritual but she seems incapable of seeing non-physical things as real. We need to meditate more and communicate more in order to offset this, I'd say.

**There is also a  HUGE fear surrounding "spiritual sex?" JAY has this, probably inherited, and because of it he is afraid to be with CZ.
He is afraid that a "twin flame" requires "obligatory sex" and he does not want this. He is also terrified that he will be "forced to be physically female" and that ties into the young traumatized girls, as they do not want to have that sort of binary experience, as it would horrify them.
Jay has no problem with being considered feminine IF he is in a male body. If he is in a female body, he considers himself male exclusively, otherwise it "brings out the bad people." We are not entirely sure how to deal with this issue?


thoughts that are detrimental
- "if someone is naked that means I must have sex with them"
(held by a numb GIRL, almost robot-like, no emotions?)
- "naked bodies are evil/ sexual/ force me to have sex/ going to rape me/ etc."
(held by many girls.)
Julie says, "if someone is naked, then they are naked-- nothing else! Babies are naked, and they are NOT asking to be used, OR trying to abuse other people. It's a natural state and you were manipulated into thinking it was inherently bad. It's NOT."

- "I don't want to have sex, please, but I HAVE to because it's God's will since he put me in a sexually able human body"
(held by YOUNG Jewel?? like 13 years old at most. we are working to heal her)
Jay and Infi say, "sexual energy really isn't the best term. Sexual connections use life energy, creative energy, that is not exclusively sexual. Sex is just one of hundreds of ways that energy can be used! Calling it 'sexual energy' as an absolute is incorrect as it is not just that. Secondly, every human on the planet has reproductive parts. Same thing with most animals. That's just how physical beings reproduce! You are NOT obligated to use them just because you have them. You don't have another body option, after all, not here. But God does not force anyone to have sex if they do not want to, and if you do not want to, NO ONE should invalidate that!"

- "I will kill anyone who so much as hints at sexuality
(held by CANNON!!!)
Infi says, "if you hate it within yourself, heal it within yourself, do not destroy it in others, or it will never cease to haunt you. Your desire for death is desperate, as you want freedom from the pain and fear and loathing such reminders bring up in you. If you heal those things in yourself, no outside force will ever be able to harm you in such ways."

- "I cannot let go of fear because then I will be used and hurt even more"
(held by unknown?? but that is still lingering, even against the common sense of love)
Jay says, :If you let go of fear, you'll be able to see clearly. If someone is trying to use or hurt you, speak out! Don't let them! You are NEVER obligated to "let" people hurt you, EVER. You have a right as an existing soul to have safety and happiness. Don't let them disrespect that fact. But don't let fear rule you either. If you view the world through eyes of fear, you won't be able to accept or hold hope and light when you find it, because you'll be afraid of it. Find what makes you feel safe, truly safe and loved, and hold on to that. Let that be your compass. Don't ever be afraid of love, REAL love, which will never ever harm you or anyone else. Don't let people lie to you about love. Let go of fear, and then stay safe. You can do the latter without the former. Fear is nothing but a jail cell, and you should be able to walk free. Just realize, the cell is unlocked. All you need to do is find the faith, courage, and trust to stand up, open it, and walk out. It won't follow you. You can only walk back into it. Don't. Life is so much better than that."

- "If I move on or forgive, that means I am saying that abuse is okay"
(TOTAL LIE but, that mindset needs to be HEALED, as someone has it.)
Laurie says, "forgiveness doesn't mean justifying what they did. More than anything, forgiving them helps you--> if you hold a grudge, or hatred, for the rest of your life, who is it hurting? Sure isn't them! Forgiveness means letting go of the pain because you deserve better than that. But it also means letting go of the pain because they deserve better than that, and even if they did a real terrible thing to you or someone else, that doesn’t define THEM either. They weren't always like that, by default. Yeah, now they sure as hell screwed up, but their souls aren't automatically doomed, no matter what anyone else may have taught you. They can still turn around. They can still learn and repent and turn their life around. And your soul is just as able to be healed as theirs, no matter what happens. Even if you can't believe that yet, remember it. It'll make forgiveness easier, AND it will make you more willing to stand up for your own purity, if you respect it in yourself as well as in others. Just saying. Find a little bit of love for yourself, and you'll realize that you'll be able to forgive without condoning abuse-- the two aren't related at all. Instead, you'll see that forgiveness means you're letting that abuser move on from their misdeed in your mind-- and that opens another door for them to CHANGE, and stop being that kind of person. Don't shackle them down as well as yourself. Forgiveness frees both of you. And you deserve to be free of that pain. You all do. No matter what you've been taught otherwise."

there is ONE female voice that is horrendously manipulative-- this is the one that will basically tell everyone "f*ck me" in a cruel way, you get the idea. we've been calling her "jess" as she DOES respond to that, but we wonder if she is technically jezebel? i.e. the tar in a humanoid form.
 

 

 

 

Disjointed running entry while I'm thinking of these things.

WAYS TO TELL APART SIMILAR DOWNSTAIRS VOICES...

FEELINGS OF ANGER
• Overload is the trickiest: she doesn't get "angry," she gets overwhelmed. Waves of outward violence are common, BUT they are backed by feelings of trapped panic or desperation, NOT fury or rage. Triggers for her are also NOT related to human touch, those will trigger a fear-alter instead.
• Sugar only gets angry at sexual/ suggestive things, or suggestions of such. She is NOT triggered by actual touches; again, fear-alters react to those. Her anger is outer and caustic, like a focused explosion, and it is often spontaneous. She WILL attack people if not stopped.
• Jess gets angry at being told not to do things, or by feeling "controlled" in any way. Her anger is inner and feels "toxic;" if she spits it at other people it's passive-aggressive and usually verbal. She will fiercely judge and hate people, but she does not attack.
• Knife has a quiet and "dull" anger, more of a feeling of judgment. It does not hurt or burn, it feels more like a shadow. His anger is ONLY directed towards fronters. He has no concern for the actions of outer people.
• Razor DOES NOT GET ANGRY, contrary to popular belief; she's only "manic." Her sole concern is whether or not she can cut things. However this means she CAN co-front with an angry person, waiting in the wings for permission to attack. Thankfully she has only actively directed that inwards so far.


FEELINGS OF FEAR
• David immediately starts wailing and/or crying. However the AP will usually send him back inside shortly, so he will front for about 10 seconds and then the body will "shut down" temporarily to recover. If forced to stay out (typically by social interaction), David will begin stuttering and sobbing in terror, running away whenever possible. He is most often triggered by touch.
• The "dead red" guy goes into an unmoving, unspeaking state, usually shaking and with very closed body language. However, there is always a very real feeling of terror and hopelessness buried in him. He is only triggered if there is NO way out of a situation, as he has no capacity to run away on his own.
• The little yellow girl panics immediately. She does not run either, but only starts shaking and holding back screams; she doesn't cry. She's more often triggered by potential danger, such as being in the same room as a threatening person.
• Jeremiah panics and looks for safety, but he's more "hopeful" than the others and will not focus on the trigger itself. Weirdly, so far he has only fronted AFTER hacks; he seems to exist to "buffer away" that stuff from the littles. He is not triggered by fear of any other sort.
• The other little boy DOES NOT FEEL ACUTE FEAR, only a sad, surrendering sort of defeat. Therefore he is triggered passively, and has not yet fronted in the body actively. He types more than anyone else in this group, but is still mostly an enigma.


IMPORTANT NOTES

• In light of recent events, there seems to be a MAJOR DISTINCTION between physical and non-physical sexuality. Most fear-alters are triggered by suggestions-- voices, mannerisms, movements, sounds, colors, and the like can ALL elicit either Sugar's rage or David's terror, for example. However, when actual physical touch is involved, explicitly sexual contact gets a FAR different reaction than general touch-- the latter almost always triggers David, while the former gets the "dead" alter. Anything that's a threat of sexuality gets a reaction of fear, panic, violence, rage, etc... but when ACTUAL physical sexuality is faced, everyone SHUTS DOWN and the body goes into a DEAD STATE, dissociating entirely. THIS IS WHY HACKS ARE COMMON AT NIGHT; THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRIGGERED BY ACTUAL SEXUAL ABUSE DON'T FIGHT BACK. THE ONES WHO DO FIGHT BACK ARE ONLY TRIGGERED BY THREATS.
• David and Kyanos were "fused" for a while, because they were trigger-forced into manifestation in the same slot on 042313, with David being the stronger consciousness. When Kyanos died in May they broke apart, and gained their own respective bodies after the 060113 bluescreen. This fusion occurred because, at that point, the Spectrum had a very finite slot lineup, with only ONE mutant blue position.
• Minty MIGHT be semi-responsible for this splitting of their consciousnesses, as the night before the bluescreen she found Kyanos in the city, ghostly and barely alive, BUT with his new angelic body (apparent non-manifestation; he was effectively "ghosting" in headspace from his formless state, that is BIG in and of itself). He wished that he could "live a life where he wouldn't be afraid anymore." Minty said she'd try to "grant that wish," imploring to the stars to do so. The next time Kyanos was seen was 060813 (possibly thanks to the Subeta visual aid), he had a solid body and was anchored into an entirely different slot.
• Jeremiah was FORCED to manifest by the AUTOPILOT on 060813, during a graduation ceremony, WHILE Central was still locked out! I have a snapshot memory of the AP and the younger Jewel in the mid-levels (the stark white hallways beneath Central City), surrounded by several formless voices, most of whom were trauma-triggered due to all the females in gowns around us. The AP demanded that anyone who fronted should have a face and name, and therefore "shocked" the loudest one at the time into doing so. That person was Jeremiah. THAT WHOLE INCIDENT HAS BEEN OVERLOOKED because it occurred during the "dead period" and it is ONLY accessible via archival memory.


QUESTIONS TO ASK

• Concerning the sexual abuse point again, what the hell is Eros' deal? Sure, he's our biggest help in 'coping' with triggers, since he can view them from a non-traumatized perspective... BUT HE'S ALSO THE MAIN REASON WHY WE KEEP GETTING HACKED, BECAUSE HE'S INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THAT SIDE OF IT! Needless to say, the entire Underground is pissed off at him, and I know for a fact that Sugar has every intent to kill him if she finds him. I, for one, am disturbed because this guy specifically splintered off of my consciousness and I DO NOT want him back, but I'm scared because Christina keeps demanding I "accept" that stuff and frankly I would rather die. Anyway that's not the point. Figure out what in the world is happening here, and whether or not we can turn Eros into a safe individual.
• Were Kyanos and David fused with the THIRD little boy from April, the one that is STILL unmanifested and likes to write in this journal a lot? Find out as much as you can about this third person, because being formless yet, he still has access to archival memory. (He simply might not have a solid anchor yet.) See if you can talk to him late at night when he likes to come out.
• On that note, by 052313, Kyanos was still dead BUT David and the other boy WEREN'T. Sugar was also evidencing through spontaneous fronts at this time.
• WHO exactly is the "red voice" from around April? It WAS female, but felt like a weird fusion of Jewel and Jess. Since the Tar was getting into everything back then, it might have been so! Either way it still exists, although it does not have many fronting opportunities now due to the Lowers manning the house (thank God). Get as many details on it as you can.
• HOW DID CHRISTINA TRIGGER A LOCKOUT/BLUESCREEN AND WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED THERE???
• Razor and Jess killed Christina on 062213, but she manifested EXTREMELY quickly, and didn't reset. This is disturbing, especially because Razor refused to kill her again until she found out WHY that happened, to prevent it. Christina apparently HAS reset recently, though, judging by her dramatic personality switch. FIND OUT HOW/WHEN IF POSSIBLE.
• There was a malicious headvoice in a dream on 061213; was that her, or someone else?
• DID THE LOCKOUT PERIOD "FRACTURE" HEADSPACE?? Prior to that the Spectrum was the core, but afterwards, TONS of broken color positions opened, allowing all the voices to anchor into bodies of their own. Was this intentional, or a side effect??
• Are Sherlock and the Autopilot linked? REMEMBER, Sherlock has fronted for many of our therapy sessions and research binges (he's obsessive with knowledge). On the contrary, the AP is more robotic, and has only fronted as an individual ONCE, during that job application at the beginning of June, when Central was locked. During that time, it could ONLY communicate with the child Jewel. Similarly, Sherlock (when inside) could only talk to Mulberry at first? Basically just look into these two, and clarify the contexts of their consciousnesses.
• Sugar and the overload girl MIGHT have been fused while the former was gaining manifestation energy; ironically, they both deal with entirely different things BUT some of the things that can trigger overload (and David) also trigger Sugar (certain sounds mostly). Basically that whole group is a sorry mess, so work on helping them refine their energy if possible (overload isn't solidly anchored yet btw, and Sugar feels highly unstable).
• Eros is an incredibly intriguing individual, mostly because he was co-fronting with the red incarnation of J for MONTHS before he "split off" and became his own person-- and that possibly didn't happen until AFTER the Scratch, when J completely switched colors: a phenomenon never before seen (all previous core-fronters have been Red).
• Why is the Red slot still such a mess? NO ONE BESIDES RAZOR HAS ANCHORED THERE, and those who have tried have all been "splintered" or otherwise highly unstable.
• On that note, why is the Blue slot similar? So far, EVERYONE who has tried to anchor there has DIED IN SOME WAY (Nathaniel, Kyanos, David, even Waldorf). WHY??
• What is the Brown slot? Is it really a mutation? Since that slot seems tied to body voices (Jewel, Jayce, Jess), there are a LOT of questions surrounding it in general.


THINGS TO DO

• Make a list with lower alter names on top (Sugar, Overload, David, etc.) and then beneath the names, WRITE MENTIONS OF THEM PRE-MANIFESTATION. For example, under Overload, you'd post the example of her freaking out over car exhaust and FRONTING while we were driving home. Make sure you have a clear picture of these guys, because doing that will help THEM to anchor more clearly; energy is a mess right now and you're the man who helps it get back in order!
• REVIEW EVERYTHING FROM THE LOCKOUT PERIOD (ESP. THIS)! The lockout lasted from 060113 to approximately 062013, which is INSANE.
• A lot of crazy stuff happened on 070213 AND 070313, please review them, esp. the latter because I wasn't there for most of it but it was HUGELY significant.
• The Lowers are trying to figure out which of them spoke in which hijacked entries from here. Help them out, because the more we learn, the easier it is to pinpoint typing styles and attitudes-- which is difficult as we don't have the visual aid of handwriting, or the mood of vocal tones.
• START HOLDING WEEKLY XANGAS AGAIN. No matter what, those ALWAYS super-boost System growth, so having one right around now would be hugely beneficial.
• Draw people. That is all.
• Draw up a tentative "map" of Headspace if possible; remember it's NOT "physical" so it does not obey earthly laws of space; several areas "float" or do not "exist" in physical terms, at least not in comparison to their appearances within headspace (think the Tardis, AND that room Laurie was in in that one dream).

 

 

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE  LYNNE STABELLE  CHAOS ZERO  VEZERAI


 

 

Well, Laurie, here we are.

Heck yes! Let's get this done so you can finish that crazy work of yours.

It might take a while, though. I'm talking to Mel right now and praying that they're doing better.

Wait wait wait, this is about Mel? Is that what you meant? What the hell is going on?

They're... seeing bloody things. They said they feel 'toxic' and are hearing voices like me.

...Geez. That's... not good. The last thing they need is a Laurie in their head.

That's what I said. I mean-- wait, you're not a bad thing.

Only because you got to know me, boy. You remember what it was like after I got out of that mirror... I hated you. I bloody well hated you, and nothing was going to change that. Thank God I was wrong.

Do you think maybe Mel's voices are like you in that way, then?

What, in that they might actually hate Mel? There's a good chance they might. Most voices I know are like that.

Lynne's not.

Lynne and Natalie are different; they're not voices. They're fragments. Lynne is the 'adult lifestyle' and Natalie is childhood naivete; two parts of yourself you don't understand anymore. You formed them; they didn't just shove an axe through the door frame like I did.

Lynne did just show up.

Because you completely dissociated yourself from your age back then, remember? You were standing in the back of that church and you were scared out of your fractured mind. For all technical purposes you were nothing but a frightened child, faced with some unknown horror that was about to slice your stomach open.

You.

Inevitably. And that's when your lost confidence stood up to me.

That I did.

Aha, and wouldn't you know it! How are you, my old friend?

Confused, for one. I'm not sure why you want me in here.

We need help. Thought maybe you could give some.

Well, I'll do my best. Jewel, are you okay? You don't look well.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm alright. It's not me I'm worried about.

You're always like that, Jewel.

Pfhahah! She got you good!

Eh, maybe, but the point still stands. We're here because my good friend Mel might be falling into a destructive headvoice situation or the like. I want to prevent that, so I'm gathering up you guys for insight.

Ahem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hold on one moment...

What you listening to?

Fat Jon. Good thinking music. I, uh... hope you don't mind.

Hello.

Hey. Nah, I've gotten used to her.

Seriously? Hah, that's a shocker!

It is!

And, um, we have a new guy.

...

Ohoho, dude. Hello there.

You're not--?

Nah, we're not here to pick your brain, boy. We just need your... expertise, how you say.

On what? I don't even know you.

Heh, lucky. Name's Laurie. I'm Jewel's superego; kind of like a chronically censorious conscience.

But I thought superegos were just psychological concepts.

Yeah, most are. I'm just a lucky concept that became personified.

Vez, I thought you were terrified of psychology?

Only when it applies to analyzing me. It's better to know what I'm up against regardless.

Good point.

Well guys, let's get to work. As you may or may not know, a beloved friend of mine is having some trouble with disturbing hallucinations and headvoices. The last thing I want is for them to go through something like my 2008, so I hoped that we could work out a plan of action, or even just some advice as to what they or I should do.

What are you hoping for though, love? We can't exactly quiet their own voices.

No, but maybe we can help them manage them. You all know what Laurie was like before I befriended her.

I do indeed.

Heh...

Laurie's the... purple one, right?

Yeah, that's me. I used to be a throat-slicing, skull-splitting scourge.

Oh.

She still is sometimes.

True, but at least she's not inherently malicious now. She used to function purely on violent vengeance and hate. I don't know what's driving Mel's voices, if anything, but if it's as negative as that then I need to help them face those voices.

Can you, though? There's not much we can do outside of their own mind.

It's better to try than to just stand around helplessly.

Jewel's right. I would have never, ever stabilized if I didn't have others helping me.

You think Mel needs a Dev or a Prelude to help?

Well, I daresay Q's their peace-bringer already... I don't know if I'd fit Dev's role though.

That person's not like me; that's not going to work. They need their own people. Not mine.

Vez, don't panic. I'm just using it as an example. I apologize.

You don't know what Mel needs.

I'm trying to figure that out, Lynne.

Can you? Should you?

Please, Lynne, don't shoot me down here. I'm desperate already.

I'm not shooting you down, Jewel. I'm just trying to be logical. Your solutions may not be their solutions by a long shot.

Alright, excuse me Lynne, but shut up.

What?

Just shut up, okay? My boy's breaking his heart over this and all you can say is 'this might not work at all!' We bloody KNOW that, alright? We're just trying our best in spite of it, because hell, we might succeed after all. If you're going to drag us down, you can just as easily get up and leave.

I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I'm sorry if you took it that way.

Ffh.

Guys, let's back this up. Jewel, just be there for Mel if nothing else.

I am, I am... but after I almost lost Dori TWICE when I could have done something, I am not going to risk losing Mel to a hell I've barely survived myself, so help me God.

I don't blame you.

I understand. I just want you to realize that this may be entirely out of our hands.

I'm still going to take a shot. I have to. I care too much.

Mm... In that case, I'll support you without further comment. I have to admire your determination.

Geez Lynne, when did you get so... I don't know, Vulcan-esque?

I have to be the voice of reason. Jewel and Laurie are both incredibly volatile.

Doesn't mean you have to be so bloody emotionless about it.

Laurie, I-- I'm just speaking the truth.

Whatever.

Lynne, don't let her bug you. I appreciate your warning and I know it's true, but Laurie's being just as honest. We're taking this chance.

What are we doing first then? What do you need my 'expertise' for?

Well Vez, you've been through more than all of us combined, and personally I find that you and I are creepily alike sometimes.

Uh-huh.

So maybe you'd understand the hallucinating and hearing voices.

I don't hear voices, Jewel, you do. And I only hallucinate because of my PTSD.

Yeah, but I have no idea what that's like.

It's awful.

I imagine it would be..

You know what? You were saying something about Mel seeing 'bloody things.' The hell does that mean?

From what I gather, they're hitting edges of a 'Johnny phase' here and there.

Oh geez. In that case, Jewel, I don't think any of us are going to be much help. You're the only one of us with doughboys and nailbunnies.

What's a 'Johnny phase?'

It's my term for a phase when one becomes uncharacteristically violent or 'unhinged.' You remember I was in one of those for a long time in 2008.

Is that when you started absorbing Laurie?

It sure is. That was a living hell. I swear, if you do that again--

Cross my heart, Laur, I won't. I'm over the phases... I just don't want Mel to fall into one.

How do we stop that though? Like I said, Jewel, you're the only one who knows what that's like.

I have... 'phases.'

Oh dude, he's right. Heck, I AM a 'phase'! And Chaos--

I get it, I get it.

So all your 'Johnny phases' are caused by personalities other than yourself?

That seems to be the gist of it, yes.

Is that what you think Mel is dealing with?

I don't know. Maybe. Even if they don't have any 'personalities' in their mind, they could have something on the verge of turning into one. They said so themself, that the voices they hear are becoming 'more than voices' now. Maybe we can stop that, like we stopped that weird red voice that attacked me with a razor that one time, thanks to those being huge triggers.

I remember that.
 
I bloody HATED her.

What was she supposed to represent, anyway?

I think mania, like Jessica used to be depression. They're both dead now though.

So are Brianne and Missy.

Brittany, Bridget, whatever the hell she decided her name was at the moment. Haven't seen the queen bitch very often lately either, thank GOD.

I'm fighting her nonstop, Laur.

I don't understand why you still need to fight her. I thought she had nothing left to fight you with?

Oh, she finds ways. She's trying to use my kids now.

What?

Yeah, she stopped the doppelganger thing and is now creating awful false scenarios with my kids. I ignore her but I can't ignore what she's doing.

All right, that is way out of line.

It's straight-up demonic. Next time I see her she is losing her whorish face.

Calm down about that for now guys, please. I'm winning against her now and the Care Bear army is helping too. She's still my #1 problem, but this isn't about me. This is about keeping a friend from being trapped in something like this.

True... I'm still shaking, though.

Sweetheart, I'll stop her. Don't lose it.

I'll try.

Give me something else to think about, please. I'm absolutely seething right now.

Well, I figure I should currently focus on helping Mel keep those voices quiet, however that's possible. I don't know. Lynne, I know this isn't completely out of my hands, but it's tough.

I understand.

That's kind of why I called you all here. I don't know what to do, and I'm desperate. I just want to help Mel.

If you need me for anything you can always ask.

Thanks, Vez.

I heard something about a fox?

...Yeah, Mel's seeing this fox with a top hat. I think he might be the key to this, especially because he apparently hasn't quit even when Mel said the other hallucinations/etc. have died down.

Why, do you think he's the 'headvoice' behind the phases?

I have no idea. It scares me, though, because Mel said that he "knows how to solve this, but he enjoys seeing my pain." That made me think of the old Laurie.

...Yeah, you're right.

If Mel knows the fox can solve this, maybe they just need to talk to him.

It's not that easy, though. He's constantly running from them and mocking them. They haven't been able to even come near to catching him.

That's not good at all.

I know... Laurie was at least right there, close enough to touch if she wasn't busy burying an axe in my face.

That fox is definitely one of us, though. How do you catch a fox?

You set traps.

But how do you trap a fox you can't even get close to?

Send something faster after it?

Maybe. Just maybe.

That could potentially make things much worse.

That's why we need to be careful. Mel isn't me; we may be similar but their situation here is still different in it's own important ways.

But Mel still needs to catch that bloody fox.

You think so?

Lynne, it's the only option I can think of. If it knows the answers, hunt it down and make it talk.

Resorting to violence might not be the best plan of action, Laurie..

Oh, shut up. You know what I mean.

What do you think it knows?

Only Mel knows that.

Geez this is frustrating. We're going in freakin' loops.

I think we should leave it be for now, Jewel. Tell Mel what we think and let them make the decisions for themself. Ultimately, they're the only one who can conquer their problems.

True, but remember how Q helped me, and how Dev helped Vez. Without a major force of beneficial interest standing by, the fight's going to be a heck of a lot harder, maybe even impossible.

Mel doesn't have to worry about that, then.

No, thank God. They have Q and I, and hopefully others that they may not have even realized are there yet.

Guess that's all we can do for today, then.

I'm sorry I couldn't help much.

Vez, don't say that. You were a huge help.

Yeah man, you hit on some serious points. Jewel knew what he was doing bringing you here.

...Thank you.

Speaking of, thank you too, Lynne. I apologize for that mess that went on earlier.

Don't be sorry; it was my fault as well. I should have been more considerate.

Hey, at least it all worked out okay in the end.

You are such a crazy optimist.

I try.

This conversation over then?

I suppose so, why?

You have work to do, boy!

Oh geez you're right I do.

Haha, what in the world is on your to-do list now?

Jewel Monster element/attribute cataloguing. It's a LOT of work but it's awesome.

And if you don't get the hell to it I swear I will hire Revenge to do my job.

Don't hire him, he's evil.

You're being unusually pushy about Jewel's work today, Laurie. Any reasons?

Yeah, it's my bloody job to make him feel guilty for slacking off HIS job. Get to work!

I have to admit, Laurie is right. You do need to make a lot of progress on your series yet.

Part Twelve.

Pfhahahaha!

All right, all right, I'll get off and get to work. Thanks for helping, you guys.

You're welcome.

I'm glad I was able to help. I admit I miss being part of this group.

You know you do!

I, um... I love you, Chaos.

I love you too, you crazy kid. Get some sleep tonight, alright?

Yeah, you rocked out enough yesterday. Screwed up my entire freaking schedule.

Sorry.

Weren't we supposed to finish this way back there...?

Yes.

Sorry.

You guys are the worst at finishing conversations.

Okay then, you close this one up.

Already did!