the spectrum heart cathedral system

today wasn't a cool day


big awful realization about the brother. family crisis.
wont talk about it here that's rude.
basically bad stuff hitting a really awful high point, its unignorable now, inescapable
mother is ticked off, she's shut off all her emotions, she'll probably cry about it in private later

called dad to tell him, he sounded so crushed
he doesnt show emotions strongly but its always in his voice
god ive never heard him sound so sad
i just
i haven't cried in a long time and i just slumped against the washer and started quietly sobbing
it was too much.

he's never sounded so sad before

laurie hugged me and said she didnt know how to comfort me but damn it she'd try
said if i needed anything from her, let her know
she's a godsend i love her so much
i told her "be tough love," don't let ANYTHING wear down her edges anymore
we need her to do that more than ever right now
we need to be fierce compassion
we need to be brutal unflinching care
we need her.
we need to be everything she exists to protect.



hack today
jacinth responsible, preludove said
as usual, no memory of it just location
god help us
we are all so much in numb traumashock from all this hell that we dont know how to react anymore
jeremiah did though
he came storming in later when we were in the kitchen
swearing and furious and crying
said it didnt reach the kids, but it reached HIM
reminded us THAT'S HIS FUNCTION
HE EXISTS TO BUFFER HACK PAIN AWAY
so we were in heartsick shock over that too
i think leon showed up to comfort him
then javier did of course, jeremiah just held him and sobbed

lynne's wearing a different outfit
it's not a dress, it's leggings and a skirt i think?
i can't see it clearly
but there are black stripes through it
i am so concerned about her it's hurting my heart
god she's been scared about her anchor for a while
what with the "adult feminine ideal" she was meant to be being corrupted
we're all helping her tune back into the initial vibe of that, it is helping
but she's so shaken up from the other day
god let her heal from this please
we'll help her, we'll do everything we can to help her

rio's anchor is evening out thank god.
he was a mess for a while too
tied to sky, NOT blue, it seems
markus' shade of violet is lighter than we thought?
outspacers feeling brighter than they have in a long long time
possibly because we're trying to do more in heartspace
but anyway that is a good thing


emmett and aimee were out to eat today
thank god, thank god they havent been out to do so in WEEKS and they are so safe
emmett really despises grains and those are dangerous so that's good
he will NOT eat them so that already saves us from bingers and abusers
oh also FIG was out!!! FINALLY
we thought they were dead because theyve been so foggy for ages but there they were!!
their overlay is solid they are STILL orange, and they ARE insectiod, and they are a SAFE EATER
but focused on precision, kind of a hopefully positive spin on the eating disorder compulsions
i.e. picking everything to bits, obsessive organization of food, etc.
wonder if that's an aspie thing
anyway yeah. bug mandibles make that sort of eating mandatory.
but we tried very very very hard to eat safely today.
unfortunately someone apparently dissociated once we got the phone call
i think i dont even remember anymore what happened
but its sad because there were thoughts going through the head after we ate
mainly, "is it supposed to keep food in the stomach" and things like that
confusion at feeling full, at keeping food down at all
there is a legitimate fear of consuming, PERIOD, when that stays in the body
someone was trying to reason with the mindset?
said food was for energy, response was "but we get energy from the air, we dont need food"
so we said, "food energy is specifically replacing the energy we lose when people hack us"
as a result, we can't eat foods that hackers would like
or foods that would catch their attention
otherwise that's just hurting us.
the mindset caught, so hopefully that will stick
if we could only drill it into the numb fronters heads then we'd be home free
but those people dont care about anything
even a threat to their own lives


laurie was talking to one of the binge-alters tonight
a younger girl, not malevolent, just passively harmful
stress eating, wanting color & texture & stimming
no idea what led to it but laurie got them to stop??
some sort of conversation with the following bit highlighted:
she said she wanted them to stop because it was not the best for them, it was negligent and harmful,
laurie asked them, didnt they love themselves?
person responded they didn't understand that, they "didn't know what love was."
laurie said she expected that. attempted to give them a summary.
said she loved them, wanted them to be free of pain and abuse, wanted that to stop,
saw they had potential to be better, etc. that sort of vibe
but anyway that CAUGHT and the person DID stop because they FELT that faith in them??
laurie kept talking to them, calmly, keeping them stable as she could
told them to "go upstairs and eat" instead, it was safer and had better effects
not sure how that all ended but they didn't binge anymore. thank god.
so that's one very good thing about today



i'm really torn about the brother
i dont REMEMBER him, not much, not well
theres memory of him when he was like 12, 13
almost nothing before or after.
typical, we have big memory gaps
but... its making it hard for me to feel anything over this and that is terrifying
where did this numbness come from??
even if he was a total stranger, where the heck is your compassion??????
why do we keep reacting with DISSOCIATIVE EMPTINESS???
what the heck is going on?
i'm very concerned to say the least

this is why we keep self-abusing, we're not reacting properly
we're not feeling emotions at all for the most part
outside.
inside, when we turn off everything and go inside, well then jay is usually out
he only comes out inside for the most part anymore.
but inside he's fine. he's bright, he's fine.
outside he's angry, colors all wrong.
we're really concerned about this


jay calling chaos 0 his "source of hope" today
the fact that cz still loved him and all the hosts even when they screwed up or made big mistakes
was such a huge positive force, made them feel that they weren't evil even if they failed, wanted to do better for his sake
thats very important and i'm glad it still applies so genuinely and totally


it's been a struggle lately. no idea why. it's concerning.
conflict, "are we trying too hard" versus "are we not trying hard enough"
feels like the latter though
in any case we NEED to take more time for ourselves
we are so burnt out, so tired, it's a quiet sad exhaustion
there's a silent need to weep right beneath our skin at this point
we need a break on a psychological level and aren't sure how to get one
but we'll try again tomorrow. we always do.

key word is "we"
without that word we go nowhere