the spectrum heart cathedral system

 
Church run!
Glucose scare. Jesus promised help; Surrendered in trust. TRIANGLE EUCHARIST!!
Lauds in church = Ezekiel hit hard. Felt painfully personal. Reflecting on the wrath AND the love, and our human response of fear & mistrust? Ironic as WE were the real betrayer. Just deserts. TYPE ABOUT IT.

Home safe in time for Jade
BK prep egg mess, bubbled & undercooked. Not sure what happened. Refused to junk it; counting this towards Ember day fast

Therapy call WHILE Jade was here
Honest about grandma grief= our stupidity & selfishness preventing us from BEING with her.
Suggested we WRITE LETTERS
Also we brought up CNC, briefly, couldn't talk about it properly if System is "hidden"
Jade came out for necklace help, stood there untangling as we talked to therapist. Triggered SOCIAL MODE on a sublevel of awareness; ACUTE ANXIETY of "saying only what is proper in context." Admitted this in concept without admitting current struggle. Survival fear? "Rejection"; "I won't love you anymore"; "they NEED me to be a certain way"
Used the phrase "I feel like I have to be everyone's mimic." Stopped me dead in my own tracks; I felt him looking at me.
Therapist suggested we try to find roots of WHY we feel "compelled" to mirror & appease everyone. They're kind of obvious honestly; still, review them & write them. More could be unearthed.

Bathroom cleanup. Teased Algorith; she said nah, fronting is too much Extra stress.
Talking about therapy call, especially how we felt like we were LYING when Jades presence Triggered social-mode self-hiding. So tired of feeling dishonest.
Laurie noticing that when we TRULY talk as a heart-deep "I," it's JAY. It's the WHITE MASCULINE CORE. The BLACK FEMININE CORE that is developing is NOT INTERNAL?????
mentioning Jack, how he can be a jerk BUT he exists to MEET A SOCIETALLY EXPECTED NORM and therefore BE ACCEPTED & SURVIVE.
Jay saying the ultimate ideal in our life IS ACTUALLY TO BE A SYSTEM. We don't want to "wear different hats," as the therapist said, because to us THAT IS LYING!!!!! We WANT to be ALL of us, whoever is needed, BUT AS A COMMUNITY. We want to be DOING IT TOGETHER. Not Socials being cut out of awareness; not with kakofoni developing in toxic contexts, not with blackout memory gaps, etc.

Talking to Mimic about the mimicry too.
He said, what CAN'T you hide? And showed his hands, looking directly at me. What are your tells? What are the things that you CANNOT turn off or disguise, no matter how you try? Find those out, and cling to them in lieu of any other solid base of identity, if that's what we need right now.
He mentioned how mimicry is more survival and strategy than "fun"-- so it is for us. It's a strain, physically and mentally, and he always knows that he will never be an exact copy; he will always ultimately be a facsimile colored however subtly by his own perception. Again, proving that he IS his own individual despite it all. So too with us whether we realize it or not.
Thanked him sincerely for this. We had never thought about that before and wouldn't have if not for him.

BTW Waldorf gets permanent non-jinxing rights, because people keep using her signs
Also Chaos joked about something that Jay responded laughing with "dude I am going to-- kiss you, for making that stupid joke"
GENESIS jumped in and further joked about why HE doesn't get absolutely snogged to death for stupid jokes, Jay said actually that's a darn good question

Daily devotional books=
King David & the special water his friends got! Jay loves that story because its EXACTLY what HIS heart is like. Also explained to Mimic WHY David didn't drink it-- the effort to get it was so pure & such a sacrifice, that the water was SANCTIFIED, and to drink it as simply a "temporal pleasure" would have been DESECRATION. It would have been an affront to God, Who IS the holiness it incurred through love. So he poured it out AS AN OFFERING, which transmuted it from a temporal gift for him, to an ETERNAL REWARD for the givers!!
ODE spoke about GOD USING ALL SUFFERING FOR GOOD-- EVEN THAT WHICH WE BRING UPON OURSELVES.
That changes EVERYTHING man, it's LITERALLY WHAT WE'VE BEEN MOURNING ALL YEAR. For THIS devotional to hit THIS morning, after therapy & the past week of typing topics... it's a blatant sign from God.
Read it repeatedly. PASTE IT IN HERE. Type about it in total earnest ASAP.
"We are never given more than we can carry or bear, and as Simeon helped Jesus carry His cross, so Jesus Himself helps us carry ours. “The Lord ts close to the brokenhearted.” All trials purify us and lead us into a deeper union with Jesus. We offer Jesus all our suffering for the salvation of souls, even the sufferings we bring upon ourselves. This is the triumph of the Cross: all suffering has lasting and redeeming value when offered to Jesus Who glorified all human suffering by His holy Cross! Three times He fell on His way to Calvary to teach us never to get discouraged, for here in the Blessed Sacrament He makes a divine success out of all our failures when we humbly surrender them to the redeeming love of His Sacred Heart: “Cling to Him, forsake Him not, thus will your future be great, for in fire, gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation.”
Like fire that transforms everything to itself, here in the Blessed Sacrament Jesus transforms everything to good in the fire of His Divine Love, drawing good out of evil, drawing a greater good out of a greater evil, consuming even our very faults and failures (like straw thrown into a burning furnace) and using them to make us more humble and to bring us even closer to His divine Heart."


Kitchen devotional = "earthly prizes" of wealth/ power/ status cannot exist in eternity because they REQUIRE a WORLDLY KINGDOM to exist at all! The only eternal prizes are VIRTUES.
"...In a simple act of kindness... there is something so right and true and good that it outweighs all the glitz of the material world. Staying true to the person God created you to be is always manifested through virtuous living. This is what Jesus taught and what He modeled during His short time on earth. Faith, love, patience, and gentleness are worth your investment."
MORE IMMEDIATELY RELEVANT IDENTITY GUIDANCE. I'm telling you, the Lord is REALLY going the extra mile for us with these synchronicities!
BTW the "no earthly prizes will last" had Lynne joke "tell that to the Pharaohs" and it PINGED MARKUS IN?????
The "gatekeeper girls" were freaking out; mental overwhelm PLUS LINKAGE CONFLICTS. and schedule interruption.
Rio showed up too, better mood, optimistic almost too much.
Briefly introduced selves to Mimic before leaving: they FEEL anchored in the League now

Accidentally froze the eggs & broccoli again, haha
Gotta type son!!

Study 1 Timothy 6:4 today if possible = it was the OBOB devotional and I think it can hit harder if we read it directly.
"Love of controversy" being a sickness of mind; conceit, pride, loss of truth. Enjoying controversy is OPPOSED to integrity & piety & love! And we ARE GUILTY; we have this tendency but thank God it already nauseates us. Work to uproot it entirely. = "Think humbly of others as superior to yourselves" (phil 2:3) = get a proper grasp on that too, without self-hatred & waging war against ourself instead!
"POLEMICS" = controversial = WARLIKE!!

Also read Galatians 2? Its earmarked from Lauds.

...

Godphone
"I want you to be better, and I always will, until the day you die. It's an upward staircase, towards an ever greater good, and I want you to keep climbing. That's the joy of the Christian life. I'm always calling to you: "friend, come up higher!""

 

 

june 24th entry.

we took huge measures to prevent all future hacks yesterday, and then today some fcker went and used one of the ANCIENT hack methods, one of the "60 seconds and you're dead" ones.
someone utterly pissed off came out, don’t know who, but they were full of nothing but hatred of the mother. early 20s I guess, female pronouns but not a female (typical). jay temporarily semi-fronted to tell them that they can't be feeding hatred, even if it's legitimate, we can't just say "okay it exists let's just let it continue." we had to heal it somehow, without burying it. jay said this fronter was "feeding into the hatred you feel the mother manifests," i.e. in their eyes, the mother was nothing but a walking mirror of rage and hatred and spite and manipulation, therefore when in her presence they "looped" that right back? feedback loop. jay said we had to stop that somehow.
algorith came out to atone. called sugar in to help. only those two.
shockingly solid overlay for algorith, zir 'accent' came through too, which is rare (ze has a voice that can't be imitated or forced but algorith previously hasn't come through strongly enough for it to settle in well).

at some point laurie came in, I remember algorith was crying over the bathtub drain, her hair/visor crystal clear in the memory data. she was saying something about numb states? said that "this really fcking hurts" but the physical pain was so distant, the real pain was this inexplicable crushing sadness that the physical pain was dragging out? the same sort of awful choking sobs that ashen usually is associated with.
algorith was also upset because "there's no comprehension tied to the language," i.e. saying things like "we were hacked," "someone abused us," "we were damaged against our will," etc. DOESN'T REGISTER ANYMORE??? like the words mean nothing. I've noticed we've been getting this with reading in general lately. unless words are tied to visuals and/or sensations, they are empty. so we will have to work with that from now on.
algorith also said that in such cases, then sheer honor and duty are important. even if we don't feel anything, atonement needs to happen, because THAT at least has a real response-- it elicits this sorrowful agony, and it DOES help prevent hacks when weaker people are out because many of them are well aware that there WILL be retribution if they are careless or apathetic.
sugar's overlay didn't quite register well; she has been conflicted over her color lately, she's not sure if she's truly pink or cerise. so that's her struggle right now, we're keeping tabs on it.
knife showed up afterwards, said he couldn't bear dealing with this again. he's so fragile, but he snaps. not long ago he flat-out went old school on whoever got hacked, took out the knife and was brutal. but he came to his senses later and just crumpled into sobs. its heartbreaking but, again, emotions are almost totally absent in these states? why????
we've been wondering if there is outside influence. maybe it sounds psychotic but really. mind control, chemicals, bad vibes, etc. who knows. either way we NEED to be vigilant and tough here.
also just remember, and that is notable, the "empty apathy" ONLY HAPPENS IN HACK SITUATIONS!!!! in other situations, with other fronters, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. we CAN still feel, very strongly, but the instant these hacker shitheads show up then nope, we're bleached out like plaster. it's not good.

sugar got a little overboard, which was also heartbreaking-- some "voice" or data log upstairs was trying to get her to "feel emotions" because she wasn't processing anything either, and did so by saying "someone innocent was hurt. aren't you a protector of innocents? you weren't there to protect them. they got hurt because you weren't there." and THAT tore at her like a knife, the grief was massive, she immediately grit her teeth against the pain and just started cutting. algorith was telling her "that's enough," so was mr sandman??? (he seems to hang around; we are kind of paranoid because we're not always sure if it's him or a copier) but she wouldn't stop, she was in tears, saying "it's not enough, it'll never be enough," felt like the old cannon days where there was so much contrition that no amount of blood would ever atone for it. it's a horrible feeling. but she stopped, algorith stepped in to clean up, that's when she got hit by the sadness and said what was written earlier.
the word "catharsis" stands out. once again pain is proven sacred, the RIGHT SORT OF PAIN.
I can't help but wonder if this is why hacks are happening? subconsciously. like we are fighting them constantly, desperately, with everything we have, but we're wondering. there are two windows that we can't seem to close, that hackers are sneaking in. the first is FORGETFULNESS. it's due to dissociation and splitting. people DON'T REALIZE WHAT HACKS ARE and then get tricked by false promises and then we have the original situation all over again, except not, because the apathy or hatred kicks in, and we don't know where all the actual hurt and scared people are. the second window is PAIN. always, always, when you get people out who know what hacks are, they justify it with "the pain is worth it." NO IT'S NOT!!!!!!!!! THE PAIN IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!! YOU WANT PAIN, WE'LL GIVE YOU PAIN, THERE ARE A LOT OF KNIVES IN THIS FCKING HOUSE, WE SHOULD CARRY ONE AROUND AT THIS POINT
sorry. that's a good idea though. pocket knives. we should get one. xacto knives. razor had one, somewhere.
but yeah. pain has always been an issue because it's tied to "how much can I endure?" and endurance of more and more pain is viewed as strength, is viewed as something honorable and desirable. WHY? where did that start??? childhood??? it's this obsession with pushing oneself to the limit until they crumple in agony, then the instant they recover, throwing MORE pain at them. the goal is to push and push and push more and more pain until something snaps or breaks, and then we CAN'T endure any more. it's literally a death drive of some sort, it has to be. it will literally force endurance UNTIL SOMETHING ELSE STOPS IT. it will NOT stop of its own accord. and THAT is the problem with hacks.
THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH HACKS
because they typically don’t EVER stop until someone is in excruciating pain and the retributors come out. you can fight them off for hours, days, weeks. they wont stop because "they've already started, and now we have to finish it."
god damn it I DON’T WANT TO FINISH THIS I DON’T WANT THIS AT ALL
its horrible, it's that horrible ladder mindset, "step 1 means step 100 is inevitable," in other words don't even think of touching the tar, because one drop will turn into a coffin. its inescapable. its horrible.

we forgot that, way way way back when, the tar used to hack the younger girls by TURNING INTO PEOPLE. dream hacks did that too. we forgot about those. we still get them sometimes but we've forgotten about them. isnt that sick, that's how bad the depersonalization has gotten
but. yeah. it's still a thing. people keep FORGETTING that the tar and plague EXIST, "the devil's finest trick is to persuade you that he does not exist," etc. its these damn hyperhappy people, these superspiritual ones, that are so willing to see good in EVERYTHING that they forget that THERE IS STILL "BAD" STUFF OUT THERE, evil DOES exist damn it, STOP JUSTIFYING EVERYTHING, IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY
this forgetting and hand-waving "its okay" bullshit will be the death of us if we don’t shape up soon.
there is a fine line, there IS A LINE, MORALITY EXISTS, STOP STEPPING ALL OVER IT
the whole "sacred or profane" thing doesn't fcking apply when you refuse to acknowledge that profanity is STILL an option, you jackasses. and when you're fcking up people's lives trying to "make everything sacred," then all you're doing is sending EVERYTHING straight to hell.



other things, good things.
went for a job interview today. if we get it, we'll never have to worry about money again, haha. here's hoping. it might be tough but we're willing to give it our all.
picked cherries today. the tree in the backyard actually had fruit this year and the bugs and birds DIDN'T EAT IT. which is rare, haha. so we were up in a tree this morning, in the clear sunny weather. it was nice, if not for the literal clouds of bugs following us around.
eating is starting to hurt less. however, it's surprising, because the foods that used to hurt horrendously used to be addiction foods, possibly due to texture or self-abuse. but! now, even though we're trying to re-introduce them, we're finding that even if they DON'T hurt as bad anymore, we DON'T want them anymore. which is terrifically freeing and a huge relief. really they're still nauseating, but at least now we don't feel "obligated" to eat them, and at least now we do have that reassurance that if we have no other option, they won't cause us excruciating pain. there is still a huge amount of fear tied to eating anything that's not a vegetable, which we want to heal without hitting the opposite extreme again (forcing ourselves to eat the very foods that cause us pain "to fix the fear," it only adds to it). but we are healing. it's an odd process; the healing itself seems to happen effortlessly and without warning, like dead leaves falling by themselves. which is nice.
emmett and aimee were out momentarily today, on that note. it's good whenever they're around.
we think FIG was out???? we've been trying to pinpoint the other eating alters, one of the big ones is not human but we cannot figure out their overlay. eaters are always inhuman, often monstrous and typically vicious, because we view eating as monstrous, animalistic, vulgar, etc. so in order to eat, in order to consume and destroy, one must be an animal, a monster. you get the idea. humanoids cannot eat because it is humiliating and filthy and very very jarring. we've realized that. so yes, someone was out eating and they unsurprisingly had a lot of teeth or something, this is not a new person though, just haven't had this sort of "actual eating" situation in weeks. so fig might not be dead. i just don’t want to repeat this sort of situation, fig doesn't eat green food, emmett does, and that's what we typically stick with. but today was trying those danger foods again and someone else was out. we'll see, I guess.

we've spent most of today otherwise queuing stuff on our alternate tumblrs. we have this file full of "to queue" posts that we just stockpile, and then we just take a day or two to fill them up. we don’t really like tumblr but it is still a way to inspire people, so we keep it going because hey, one person can still make a difference. us sharing something might reach someone who really needed it, and might not have otherwise seen it. you never know. so we do that effort.
of course the system people have their blogs too, at least the people who like that sort of thing do. leon has one but he's not into blogging so he's never used it, haha. infinitii is the polar opposite, I swear ze has like 2000 things to queue, I have no idea if that’s because ze resonates with what a lot of people post? could be, that sort of alien/ angel/ shadow/ star/ etc. vibe seems to be quite prevalent on tumblr lately. but in any case, apparently jay follows a lot of blogs that post the kind of stuff infi likes, so.
jay said he likes looking at infi's blog because it's very reassuring? not sure if word matches entirely. but it fills him with a lot of deep appreciation and hope, seeing infi's vibe represented in an abstract way there, by hir own construction.


on father's day, jay had the xbox all to himself and he actually played nier for an hour.
that, plus other events lately, is making us realize that whoever was out in 2011 is STILL ALIVE. it's whatever host originally took the name "eros" but then got corrupted and faded out. well our current eros is NOT that guy, we all know that, he just has the name as it fit. but what do we call this kid then? we're saying "cupid" for now but the name does not fit at all. either way he CAN still front and he is STUCK in late 2011? every previous host is.
in any case, this is all very existential. jay is learning where his boundaries of self are, where he cannot exist, where other people move in to take his place, etc. it's important because no other host has ever done this before, but we have to now, now that we're aware that we have d.i.d. and switching is a thing.
laurie is taking it hard, even if she won't show it. her very existence is tied to the hosts/cores, and this sudden revelation that there's NOT just one, that she might deal with four or more different "hosts" per day and she might not know who they are, is very existentially shaking to her too.
she always sees jay iridos (does that name still fit him??? our current "inner core") at night, but that's the only constant now. there is at least one other white-haired host, could be up to three, we're checking past timelines, there were SO many breaks and resets since the Jay(ce) bloodline began but, just like the Jewels, they were ALL USING THE SAME NAME. so now we have to go back and differentiate these people.
xenophon's not sure how to deal with all this yet. we feel sorry for her. we all love her, but this whole parental confusion situation has got to be really upsetting for a child, no matter how much that child has been through.
jay has told her that no matter what, he'll be there for her. she still calls him dad, even if he isnt. I think that says a lot too.

boats are everywhere lately.
remember last year we were getting tons of animal symbolism? mainly deer and yellow swallowtails. all in the winter, they were everywhere.
now it's boats. EVERYWHERE. this has been slowly building up for a few months I will admit. but its all piling up. doesn't feel like it will "stick around," just like right now its message is needed and important, and once we get it, it'll sail away. (carry on, for the record)

our therapist said something interesting too, on monday. she was talking about how lord of the rings has been a huge influence in her life, literally for decades, but then after she rewatched the movies several times that urgency just faded out. like I said about the leaves earlier, same thing but positive. it played its role and now it was a free thing, no longer insistent. and she said sometimes that happens, sometimes a movie or book or song will just jump back into our awareness, and we will feel that need to revisit it, because it has a message for us again. maybe it's a new one, maybe it's an old one we didn't fully integrate or understand at first.
as she was talking I thought of "island" by aldous huxley, how genesis and I would always stop and re-read the last chapter whenever we were in the bookstore, how that same chapter is now perpetually tied to laurie thanks to the karuna event (hence the title). we have a copy of the book on our computer, but no physical copy (we really should buy one). anyway yeah I told her that when we first read it in early 2012 (the spring, a MISSING TIME PERIOD, which is actually hugely relevant so maybe we SHOULD reread it ASAP), and that Xenophon actually had to practically force us to continue through that one chapter as it was so absolutely life-altering and terrifying that we couldn't handle it. that's actually one of the only things we remember about early 2012, is sitting on that couch in the middle of the college lounge, quickly shutting down and dissociating, but she was standing on our legs and shaking us awake, calling us "dad," telling us we had to keep reading, it was important.
geez. that whole spring is a shattered mess of dissociated, uncomfortable vibes. like whoever was around at the time (probably multiple people) had a toxic-positive vibe far too often? looking back then feels TOO optimistic, like someone trying too damn hard to be "totally good" and ending up on the opposite side. which, if I'm not mistaken, is what happened in early 2012.
…maybe that's something we should re-read and discuss in therapy. the very thought is making me literally panic and want to vomit. there is FEAR tied to early 2012, the same kind of fear we used to get before a brutal thunderstorm, when the wind was whipping the trees sideways and our grandmother was cackling that a tornado was coming to tear our house down. same kind of utter pinprick dread.
and it's yellow. josephina I'm so sorry. it's a sort of washed-out yellow gray, the color of a tornado sky. which makes sense. I'm well aware that early 2012 WAS rather horrifying at times, it was a hell of a mess, it was rife with confusion and pride and overcompensating and trying too damn hard. we have forgotten virtually ALL of it, and the therapist has reminded us that is a PROTECTIVE instinct, but… we need to remember. we need to remember, especially with how much has been revisited lately, it's a frightening though but we need to remember.

oh, she also mentioned the whole "hero's journey" concept, by joseph campbell, and I remembered that we literally have an incredible book of symbolism by him right on our shelf in our room. I told her that, she laughed and took an audio copy of it off her bookshelf. well there you go! she said maybe we should reread it. considering how we literally went on a symbolism binge two weeks ago, and I've been mulling that over since then, I think we should. that book was "dropped in our lap" really; we randomly stopped at a library by our community college one afternoon, they were having a book sale, we just happened to see that book on the shelf, had some cash on hand, bought it. magic! we did read it once and I remember it was EXTREMELY informative. there was a whole section on religion and marriage which I keep thinking about, gonna have to reread that, with all the research we've been doing on purity culture and how that played into our trauma history (STILL not done with those entries, they're hard to write, I admittedly keep procrastinating as a result). so that's a thing to do.
she said the whole "hero's journey" thing really applied to trauma patients, how they are uprooted and tossed into a sort of personal psychological quest of healing. she said for us that was a good thing to keep in mind; healing and "going back home" at the end does NOT invalidate or "delete" the journey. going back home sometimes means to a different home. we said all that and she said it was true.
but yeah that's a thought about the boats too, the symbolism bit. I know they're about navigation and travel (ties into the journey thing? i know boats are also associated with death/rebirth) and also WATER, water symbolism is huge in general but especially in our System, but there's so much. we have some data we need to read through already, about boats as symbols, so we will, and then get back to you. I just wanted to mention that therapy did assist towards that topic.


last thing. the important things (truest things) are always last. that's another bad habit from childhood. "you must suffer/ endure bad things/ etc. before you deserve a good thing." and then by the time you've "suffered enough," you no longer have TIME for the good thing, or you're in too much pain to appreciate it, or something else where you ultimately lose it. we push it to the end, we end up pushing it off a cliff, it never gets written or experienced. we end up feeling empty and unfulfilled and miserable and we keep forgetting we don’t have to do this. we can have these good things, if only we'd stop "saving them for last." it's really really unhealthy. it's bullshit, laurie says.
she's tied to most of the truest things, so.
but. last night, no idea what led up to it,
lately jay has been "out of it" upon awaking and falling asleep? which isnt good. usually going to sleep is the only solid chance we get during a day to reconnect with headspace, for jay to be "out" at all, as he's an inner-anchored person. and its very important, spiritually and emotionally, for us to tune back in inside after the rush and rabble of the day outside. but, not sure if its nightmares or stress or the environment downstairs, jay hasn't been sleeping well? chaos hasn't been taking it well.
quick addition, chaos is still a mess with names, lots of conflict. he's really uncomfortable with his original name unless it contains the "zero" at the end. but he has at least four different names that he uses currently. we keep going back to "chaos" because of the profound significance that name has picked up over the years (with cosmogony myths & things), and because we really do need to stop rejecting our "darker sides" because of forced absolute positivity. yes the "sea of serenity" title still fits, yes all the dream world titles still fit, yes it all fits. but up here it's always either chaos or cz, always either the cosmic void or a naturally flawless gemstone. seriously this guy is just full of significance, it's really amazing.
but he adores jay. and jay adores him. and lately jay has been really foggy when he wakes up, he doesn't forget people or blank out, he's just really out of it. disconnected. and that sort of bleary unintended ignorance hurts a lot, because how do you get through that? it's not a wall, it's a misalignment. you reach in one direction and it doesn't match up right.
but it doesn’t stay. thank god, it doesn’t stay. that’s one thing we're all thankful for, is that jay has not lost himself. there have been a LOT of threats of a host reset lately, all of which laurie has responded to with no small amount of anguish, but it seems like jay is vitally important just as he is, even if his role seems "small." its hugely important, no matter how niche it is, so to speak.
jay's been asking lynne if she can get closer to the rest of us, kind of like how josephina is trying to put hir unexpected walls down. lynne's an oldbie so it is rather shocking that she isn't that close to anyone besides spine, laurie, and julie-- and even then, spine is the only one she talks to in quiet, with that much honesty. but she's aware of this, and it bothers her. she's orange, she's one of the "lower" spectrum colors (if you think of the rainbow as vertical), and they all have edges. again, tying her in with josephina with events lately. so we're trying to talk to her more upstairs, more openly. I mean it's kind of inevitable now. lynne's always been the stable one, the peacekeeper, the mischievous yet hospitable smile keeping everyone together. the violinist, the jokester, the idea girl, the autumn warmth. but she has an edge. and she's deeper than even she admits, too. after that attempted reset barely a month ago… there was data stored, jay saw some of it, fragments but enough. he says he feels things more than sees them. and he felt the punch to the heart as she cried, as lynne sobbed, learning that laurie was the first to go. she told laurie this on her own later, I think laurie is still fully processing that, that one of her closest friends cares about her that much. but it's good. to have this communication now, this honesty.
as for the other lower color person. the "lowest" color on the spectrum, making it the anchor between headspace and the physical, the color that was previously so important and sacred that only cores held it. red. javier's color.
so jay hasn't been sleeping so well, but he's trying. and he is genuinely trying to promote sincerity within the system, with the more he reads, and relearns, and the more we experience. he is succeeding.
we're all growing. the color realms are being built. it's surging with hope.
but last night, again, no idea what led to it, but jay ended up wondering how javier was doing. how's the red, is there a realm for it yet, we haven't spoken to him in a while, how is he? so he goes looking, but he forgets its late at night so everything is being tinged by dream now, everything is unhinging and floating into blackspace, for the night. so when he steps into the theoretical red realm he ends up seeing something like this. the way the city looked in december of 2013, when everything hung on the edge of death, and javier was brought back to life in the face of it, against all odds, against all opposition.
what jay really didn’t expect was to find javier there anyway, in tears, before throwing his arms around jay and sobbing that he loved him.
jay says he really wasn't surprised. he and javier have always felt close, from even before javier manifested. it's probably an inherent connection between the red and the white.
jay asked didn't javier love jeremiah already, javier said absolutely, but that was a different sort. softer, quieter, very affectionate. very pink. this, for jay, was something built on empathy, something sharper. something genuine in the way laurie's love is genuine, a quality that cannot occur without having shared blood, fear, honesty, secrets, trust.
so there it was. jay said then in that case he was allowed up in the core-room from then on, no exceptions. not that night, it was too volatile already, too late. but if he wanted to build on this then he had to join the club, so to speak.
so that's the state of that. javier is already rather close to laurie, surprisingly, but they don't really 'know' each other as people well enough yet. not enough mutual experiences. nevertheless javier has a great heart and laurie has already expressed how profoundly grateful and happy she is to finally be reconnecting with a Red, how she misses working with people of that color. so it's nice.
we're not worried about genesis, he immediately befriends anyone nice. chaos has such an open heart he'd never think of denying anyone an honest chance, and he always looks for the best in people anyway. and infinitii loves everything by default, so.
all in all this turns the pentagram into a potential hexagon, and if we include the two stragglers who've been hanging around for a literal decade by now, we have an octagram, how cool is that.

it's almost 2am and we really should not be going to sleep this late, that's probably whats making us so sick. sleeping during the day is ALWAYS dangerous, 95% of the time we get nightmares and/or hacks and that is not good at all. so this needs to change, which means we need to stop working late.

good night everyone. life is brighter lately, we're working hard to keep it that way.

 

 

 

 

 

I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

 

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.

So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

 

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.

Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.

With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.

As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

 

Now for the rest of today:

Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.

Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.

There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.

A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.

Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.

Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he
said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak? He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.

He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.

Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."

While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "f*** you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.

Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.

Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

 

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

 

That is all we have to say for today.

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE INFINITII ETERNOS LAURIE UBERICH MR. SANDMAN



Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart? 

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said. 

So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...

Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!
 

 

 

 

My title changed. My freaking title just changed.
This is so beautifully ironic, oh wow.
I thought it was wrong, there was no way that could be right, and then I remembered the undisclosed orange revelation from November.
And that just makes it so perfect it's incredible.

I'm not Gaia. We all thought I was... it had the right attributes.
But that name didn't fit the truth of me.
I think this does. I really think this one does, after the 23rd.

Dear love, we really are tied into forever, how did I never find this before?

Parnassus makes sense now, Dream World makes sense now, so many things make sense with this, I'm going to be researching this for the next few weeks and I am laughing and crying right now. They were so right when they said 2012 was about unity.
If this is true, then it also explains the hack situation. Again. I know I keep saying I've 'figured it out' but I think I've just been finding pieces. This... this is astronomical if it does apply. It would make so much sense it hurts.
This all makes so much sense it hurts, who am I kidding?

I need to get back to working on my writing, but I couldn't not write this down. This is huge, concerning my life. This is the sort of thing that can potentially change everything, and in a beautiful paradox, maybe it already has.

Wh-- dude they just mentioned keys, they seriously just said I would have keys, this is insane.
I need to keep reading this, I'm sorry, this is too important to me.