092223

[prismaticbleed]

 
Church run!
Glucose scare. Jesus promised help; Surrendered in trust. TRIANGLE EUCHARIST!!
Lauds in church = Ezekiel hit hard. Felt painfully personal. Reflecting on the wrath AND the love, and our human response of fear & mistrust? Ironic as WE were the real betrayer. Just deserts. TYPE ABOUT IT.

Home safe in time for Jade
BK prep egg mess, bubbled & undercooked. Not sure what happened. Refused to junk it; counting this towards Ember day fast

Therapy call WHILE Jade was here
Honest about grandma grief= our stupidity & selfishness preventing us from BEING with her.
Suggested we WRITE LETTERS
Also we brought up CNC, briefly, couldn't talk about it properly if System is "hidden"
Jade came out for necklace help, stood there untangling as we talked to therapist. Triggered SOCIAL MODE on a sublevel of awareness; ACUTE ANXIETY of "saying only what is proper in context." Admitted this in concept without admitting current struggle. Survival fear? "Rejection"; "I won't love you anymore"; "they NEED me to be a certain way"
Used the phrase "I feel like I have to be everyone's mimic." Stopped me dead in my own tracks; I felt him looking at me.
Therapist suggested we try to find roots of WHY we feel "compelled" to mirror & appease everyone. They're kind of obvious honestly; still, review them & write them. More could be unearthed.

Bathroom cleanup. Teased Algorith; she said nah, fronting is too much Extra stress.
Talking about therapy call, especially how we felt like we were LYING when Jades presence Triggered social-mode self-hiding. So tired of feeling dishonest.
Laurie noticing that when we TRULY talk as a heart-deep "I," it's JAY. It's the WHITE MASCULINE CORE. The BLACK FEMININE CORE that is developing is NOT INTERNAL?????
mentioning Jack, how he can be a jerk BUT he exists to MEET A SOCIETALLY EXPECTED NORM and therefore BE ACCEPTED & SURVIVE.
Jay saying the ultimate ideal in our life IS ACTUALLY TO BE A SYSTEM. We don't want to "wear different hats," as the therapist said, because to us THAT IS LYING!!!!! We WANT to be ALL of us, whoever is needed, BUT AS A COMMUNITY. We want to be DOING IT TOGETHER. Not Socials being cut out of awareness; not with kakofoni developing in toxic contexts, not with blackout memory gaps, etc.

Talking to Mimic about the mimicry too.
He said, what CAN'T you hide? And showed his hands, looking directly at me. What are your tells? What are the things that you CANNOT turn off or disguise, no matter how you try? Find those out, and cling to them in lieu of any other solid base of identity, if that's what we need right now.
He mentioned how mimicry is more survival and strategy than "fun"-- so it is for us. It's a strain, physically and mentally, and he always knows that he will never be an exact copy; he will always ultimately be a facsimile colored however subtly by his own perception. Again, proving that he IS his own individual despite it all. So too with us whether we realize it or not.
Thanked him sincerely for this. We had never thought about that before and wouldn't have if not for him.

BTW Waldorf gets permanent non-jinxing rights, because people keep using her signs
Also Chaos joked about something that Jay responded laughing with "dude I am going to-- kiss you, for making that stupid joke"
GENESIS jumped in and further joked about why HE doesn't get absolutely snogged to death for stupid jokes, Jay said actually that's a darn good question

Daily devotional books=
King David & the special water his friends got! Jay loves that story because its EXACTLY what HIS heart is like. Also explained to Mimic WHY David didn't drink it-- the effort to get it was so pure & such a sacrifice, that the water was SANCTIFIED, and to drink it as simply a "temporal pleasure" would have been DESECRATION. It would have been an affront to God, Who IS the holiness it incurred through love. So he poured it out AS AN OFFERING, which transmuted it from a temporal gift for him, to an ETERNAL REWARD for the givers!!
ODE spoke about GOD USING ALL SUFFERING FOR GOOD-- EVEN THAT WHICH WE BRING UPON OURSELVES.
That changes EVERYTHING man, it's LITERALLY WHAT WE'VE BEEN MOURNING ALL YEAR. For THIS devotional to hit THIS morning, after therapy & the past week of typing topics... it's a blatant sign from God.
Read it repeatedly. PASTE IT IN HERE. Type about it in total earnest ASAP.
"We are never given more than we can carry or bear, and as Simeon helped Jesus carry His cross, so Jesus Himself helps us carry ours. “The Lord ts close to the brokenhearted.” All trials purify us and lead us into a deeper union with Jesus. We offer Jesus all our suffering for the salvation of souls, even the sufferings we bring upon ourselves. This is the triumph of the Cross: all suffering has lasting and redeeming value when offered to Jesus Who glorified all human suffering by His holy Cross! Three times He fell on His way to Calvary to teach us never to get discouraged, for here in the Blessed Sacrament He makes a divine success out of all our failures when we humbly surrender them to the redeeming love of His Sacred Heart: “Cling to Him, forsake Him not, thus will your future be great, for in fire, gold is tested, and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation.”
Like fire that transforms everything to itself, here in the Blessed Sacrament Jesus transforms everything to good in the fire of His Divine Love, drawing good out of evil, drawing a greater good out of a greater evil, consuming even our very faults and failures (like straw thrown into a burning furnace) and using them to make us more humble and to bring us even closer to His divine Heart."


Kitchen devotional = "earthly prizes" of wealth/ power/ status cannot exist in eternity because they REQUIRE a WORLDLY KINGDOM to exist at all! The only eternal prizes are VIRTUES.
"...In a simple act of kindness... there is something so right and true and good that it outweighs all the glitz of the material world. Staying true to the person God created you to be is always manifested through virtuous living. This is what Jesus taught and what He modeled during His short time on earth. Faith, love, patience, and gentleness are worth your investment."
MORE IMMEDIATELY RELEVANT IDENTITY GUIDANCE. I'm telling you, the Lord is REALLY going the extra mile for us with these synchronicities!
BTW the "no earthly prizes will last" had Lynne joke "tell that to the Pharaohs" and it PINGED MARKUS IN?????
The "gatekeeper girls" were freaking out; mental overwhelm PLUS LINKAGE CONFLICTS. and schedule interruption.
Rio showed up too, better mood, optimistic almost too much.
Briefly introduced selves to Mimic before leaving: they FEEL anchored in the League now

Accidentally froze the eggs & broccoli again, haha
Gotta type son!!

Study 1 Timothy 6:4 today if possible = it was the OBOB devotional and I think it can hit harder if we read it directly.
"Love of controversy" being a sickness of mind; conceit, pride, loss of truth. Enjoying controversy is OPPOSED to integrity & piety & love! And we ARE GUILTY; we have this tendency but thank God it already nauseates us. Work to uproot it entirely. = "Think humbly of others as superior to yourselves" (phil 2:3) = get a proper grasp on that too, without self-hatred & waging war against ourself instead!
"POLEMICS" = controversial = WARLIKE!!

Also read Galatians 2? Its earmarked from Lauds.

...

Godphone
"I want you to be better, and I always will, until the day you die. It's an upward staircase, towards an ever greater good, and I want you to keep climbing. That's the joy of the Christian life. I'm always calling to you: "friend, come up higher!""