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[prismaticbleed]

Cold tired & dissociated but MADE IT TO MASS!
Still haunted by terrorism thoughts. What if terrorists came into the chapel & gunned us down today? Remembered stories of martyr priests running to guard the Tabernacle with their very bodies, & immediately thought of the verse, "your life is hidden with Christ in God"
I typed that instantly so I wouldn't forget. But I can't grasp the initial revelation now. Pray to recover it & then write it.
I think it was how the Eucharist WAS the Life of those priests? Even if they were murdered, they didn't lose their life, because their Life is CHRIST and He is untouchable & eternal in heaven. Their deaths therefore sent them TO Life.

Saint Bridget prayers= remember we SERIOUSLY want to write heavy reflections on the introductory phrases for each prayer: there are immense depths calling to us.
One hit us new= HIDE ME IN THY WOUNDS, but FROM THY ANGERED FACE!! Staggering. When God "hides His Face" from us in our sin, and justly so, we suffer as a result; BUT BY THE CROSS Christ can now REDEEM even that state by hiding us IN HIS WOUNDS BY OUR SUFFERINGS??? He makes it so that no matter where we are we can still be with God??? WE are the ones whose sins GAVE Him those Wounds, and they are WHY His Face is angrily turned from us in justice, BUT IN HIS MERCY He uses those very Wounds to hide us from His own wrath. It's amazing. That's how much He loves us and wants to save us.


140m prayers, SPOKEN. Shockingly easier & more honest.
No music except Glorious Rosary.
Actually A FEW TEARS at end of Dolors Rosary!! We keep praying for the grace of divine sorrow, for our heart TO weep again, to be ABLE to feel things again.

SO much age-sliding and gender-shifting in the Core identity during prayer: certain selves can feel or think different things. Male vs female, young vs old, CANNOT experience the same way. It's such a distressing fact that we "have to be just one" in normal external life; to do so feels like suicide. It cuts off half of the entire heart, at the very least. Who would that "me" be, so mutilated in emotion & awareness?
"I" only exist in full truth AS PART OF A MULTIPLICITY. I am but one "me" of many, just one color of the rainbow. And when this is EMBRACED and ALLOWED TO FLOURISH, we do so much better; life becomes rich & real & colorful.
...but it's also exhausting, to exist. The lazy "singlet" brain wants it all gone, to not have to feel or remember or dream or anything, just drone through on the outside, a living death.
Our biggest fear is that being multiple is a sin, in and of itself. God please we hope not. But no one ever talks about it in religion, other than in demonic possession, which this IS NOT because demons don't pray and worship Jesus the Lord. But the church doesn't really talk about mental health, let alone innerworlds and all who inhabit them. We still say, not even joking, that if God did decide to miraculously make us a canonized Saint, we would want to be the patron Saint of dissociative (identity) disorders, if not also eating disorders. We've walked those roads firsthand, but God never left us, and if He is willing to bring us even further to heaven, then from there, we want to intercede for the future Church Militant fighting those particular battles. It would be such a joy, such an honor, but even morseso it would be such an act of fraternal love. And we do want that, if we may be so bold as to admit it, although humbly pressing our face to the ground and insisting But Thy Will Alone Be Done, Lord. We surrender to Your Good Will And Purposes either way. Just getting to heaven would be (will be, oh we hope!!) enough of a stunning miracle to merit our infinite gratitude forever; we dare not ask for anything more... but we cannot but plead for anything less.


BK prep quieter than usual. Laurie said that if God wants her to go away in order for Him to save me, then she will gladly leave. The heartbreak and joy were both synonymous in her saying that. Me too.
Everyone else agreed with her. We hope it won't come to that-- we all love God together and want to help each other grow in faith-- but we are still one collective soul. If we HAVE to sacrifice that for the greater good of God, especially in order to sacrifice our body's life for those around us physically, then we repeat, Thy Will Be Done. Please give us the grace to surrender completely to it.

Evening =
1845 PHONE CALL FROM MOM, IT'S JUST A CYST, IT'S NOT CANCER, OH THANK YOU GOD!!!

6pm PANIC ATTACK SLAMMED INTO US AGAIN. What the heck is causing this EVERY NIGHT? And it's accompanied with a "flee for your life" response; we feel frighteningly rushed, like there's a tornado bearing down on us and if we don't evacuate ASAP we're going to die. WHAT IS THIS. It's impending doom, yeah, but RUSHING towards us and SCREAMING. We feel the countdown timer in our lungs. We're shaking like a leaf and can't breathe.
Is this a trauma response to the twilight? We feel like "something TERRIBLE is GOING to happen once the sun sets." PLUS OUR "WARM" CLOTHES MAKE IT WORSE-- LONG SLEEVES & PANTS DRAMATICALLY EXACERBATE THE SYMPTOMS???? Short sleeves, and shorts, despite the cold, cause INSTANT DRAMATIC RELIEF.
This makes NO SENSE. Not yet at least. God help us with this please; we cannot function like this.