prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with prayers

daily Scripture prompt inspirations to be further edited and elaborated on, to speak from our own soul more fully.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God, I am a sinner. That's the horrific truth, and I must confess it without excuses; I must own up to it in its humbling, humiliating entirety. I am a sinner, and I can't change that on my own. I'm a thief. I'm a liar. I'm a glutton. I'm a slut. I'm a backstabber. I'm a master manipulator. I'm a cheater. I'm a pervert. I'm an abuser. I'm a leech. I'm a selfish, entitled, proud, spoiled rotten brat. I'm a disgrace to my family and a scandal to the church. I'm addicted to comfort and pleasure and mindless time-killing. I'm wasteful, destructive, careless, and irresponsible. I'm greedy and never have enough. I judge and critique and condemn everyone I see. I'm lazy, unmotivated, and unconcerned. I'm filthy and unclean. I'm vicious, violent, angry, and dangerous to both myself and others. I'm suicidal and self-abusive. I'm brutal and merciless. I'm the walking dead and I kill everything I touch. I'm hopeless, Lord... or, at least, I was until You decided to redeem my useless, rotting, putrid & wretched soul.

Why?

Because You are everything I'm not. You, Lord God, are LOVE through and through. You are kind, good, honest, righteous, wise, generous, gentle, thoughtful, and pure. You are just, temperate, courageous, peaceful, joyful, faithful, dependable, and reliable. You are sweet and true and tender and open-hearted. You heal and support and comfort and care for others. You are a genuine friend. You seek and save the lost and forgotten. You bind up the broken, clean & kiss their wounds, and carry them safely to Your Own home. You are forgiving and merciful and compassionate. You are beautiful and real and alive, Lord, so why in all the universe did You CHOOSE to be brutally murdered in my place? Why did You step in front of the firing squad for me and give me a second-billionth chance?

If it hadn't been You, it would have meant nothing. I still would have remained a war criminal, a public enemy, a heartless whore with blood money staining her hands pitch-black, and I would've walked off without a second thought for the man nailed to the tree with my death sentence above his head.

But You are GOD, Jesus. And Your death for my sake CHANGED something in me, forever, for real.

You died for me because You love me. You love me because, despite everything I've done, You CREATED me with a different purpose in mind... and nothing can frustrate Your plans.

You refused to lose me to sin... so You paid my ransom to sin itself. You bled out instead of me, and that Blood washed away the plague in my veins. When You breathed Your last in Your human Body, somehow MY broken humanity did so WITH You, and although I didn't know it, Your death made a way for me to be free of myself. Your death gave me hope.

Jesus, by sacrificing Yourself on my behalf, You paid the infinite debt of my sins.

...

God, thank You for making me righteous in Your sight.

There is nothing I can ever do to earn this—it’s something You have freely offered to me because You love me. Thank You!

Forgive me for all the times I have selfishly rejected You,

and please show me how to live a life that honors You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God, You are worthy of all my praise. You created everything that exists, because You desired it to be. You created me, too, willingly and particularly and lovingly. You created me to praise You-- because You created me to love You.

God, my Creator and Redeemer and Father, please teach me & show me how to worship You in all that I do, no exceptions. Give me the grace to make every moment of my existence an act of faithful prayer and joyful sacrifice to You. I want my every breath to be an act of worship, by Your Spirit in me, in Baptismal union with Your Son.

When I die and come home to You at last, people on earth will look back on my life, and I want them to see You in all of it-- Your love for me, and my love for You in return. I want them to give You glory-- not me. Please give me a holy death, as the beautiful result of having lived a holy life.

God, I want to honor You with everything I am and have and do-- with every thought, idea, intention, and action. But Lord I am so weak and foolish and scared. I cannot honor You as You deserve, not on my own at least. But You can do anything. So, right now, I give You my will, however feeble and frightened-- I give You permission to change me into the saint You created me TO be. Please make my whole ramshackle life, at long last, into a life that honors You and brings You glory. You are holy and I want to be holy for Your sake, as Your child. You are eternally worthy of all my praise and adoration. God, my God, Who loves me forever, my life is entirely Yours. Please fix me. Please sanctify me. Please make me a Kingdom Priest in truth.

Fit me for heaven, so I can praise you endlessly.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God, thank You for Your grace and the gift of salvation. It's only by Your grace of that salvation is even possible. But it is a firm foundation, immovable in Your constant love, and from that base we CAN build our life on You, in Christ.

You created us and you know both how and why we tick... every last one of us. You love us-- nousfoni and somafoni together-- and You know how all levels of life were designed to work best. After all, You are the Source and Designer of life, being, and existence! That"s why You give us guidelines, instructions, and even warnings— they are given to show us how to thrive.

Please teach us daily, in Scripture and prayer, what it means to be godly in every aspect of our life. Help us to say "yes" to the things that bring You joy, and "no" to the things that break Your Heart... the things that sent Christ to the Cross. Give us the Holy Spirit, that He may grant us the clear and committed discernment to know the difference, and act upon it righteously and wisely.

Lastly, reassure us that our salvation-- our very life in eternity-- is secured only in You, by You, because of Your endless Love which You reveal and give to us in Christ Jesus. Help us to fully realize that we cant do anything to "earn" that divine love. Then we can truly and joyfully accept Your invitation to live, to thrive, and to be a part of the greatest story on earth.

After all, we were made for it.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a teenager, Jessica was anointed with creative genius and passion, destined to become a force of inspiration for generations. But instead of easily ascending the ranks in formal education with a glorious portfolio and innate skill, she spent years running from mental illness and traumatic psychosexual abuse (inescapable in her own head & body) which incessantly tried to kill her.

During this time, Jessica laments to God: she has honest conversations about her situation while holding onto the hope that God can—and will—restore her.

Jessica's laments allowed her to express her grief, cry out for justice, and remember God's faithfulness. Focusing on God's faithfulness reminded Jessica of God's character, and knowing God's character helped her hold onto hope.

That's why she could say, “But I will sing of Your strength! In the morning, I will sing of Your love! For You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” (Psalm 59:16 NIV)

Talking honestly with God helped Jessica recognize that even though her current situation wasn’t good-- in fact it was traumatic-- God was still good, no matter what, and so God was still (and forever) worthy of being worshiped. Jessica doggedly believed that God was still in control of her life, despite all tragic appearances. She believed against all odds that she would one day see the fulfillment of God’s promises in her life.

And one day, God's promises did come to pass. It took years upon years of fervent desperate prayer & waiting, but God came through, as He always does and always will. Her prayers were answered, in ways she never could have imagined or expected, because God's fulfillment of her deepest needs and hopes was more perfect than even she could have asked for.

Even more amazingly, God didn’t even waste the years Jessica spent as a lost & sinful wreck-- as an addict, a victim, a scumbag even-- instead, He used those battles & terrors both to help Jessica become the leader and warrior her people needed. The setbacks Jessica endured as she struggled with vice & weakness actually strengthened her character and prepared her for her future purpose-- for holiness and virtue! Although her circumstances were frightening and painful, even hellish, God was faithful.

And God can—and will—be faithful with her life now, too.

Jessica, when you place your hope in Jesus, you will never grieve in vain because the God Who Is now is also the God Who will be forever. And He is constantly advocating and acting on your behalf. That's why, no matter what you face, you can hold onto this hope: Jesus can turn your setbacks and sorrows into setups for your good and His glory.

God can take your pain and use it for His purposes. He can make a way through your desert seasons. He is your source of strength and your refuge in times of trouble. Nothing is impossible for God.

So today, continue to draw closer to Him, and look for evidence of His faithfulness. As you intentionally pursue God, look for ways to worship Him in every circumstance.

Remember-- God is mighty and worthy of all your praise forever!

When you feel overwhelmed, God wants to support and soothe you. When you feel discouraged, God wants to encourage and uplift you. When you feel hopeless and alone, God surrounds and protect you with loving care. God is your constant Source of strength. Nothing is impossible for Him, and He is working for your highest good in every moment! Praise Him for His love-- His particular, personal, perfect love for YOU!

Dear Lord, I am completely broken. And yet, You not only see me in my brokenness, You meet me in it. You stand by me, You sit with me, You lie down in the humiliating dirt with me. You see and know how I am being utterly torn to shreds and beaten bloody by my merciless addictions and terrifying mental illnesses. God, help me to radically trust in Your loving nearness, even now-- this is a Cross, after all. As Jesus carried His, help me to carry mine with Him. As Saint Paul pressed on, help me to press on in the race You have given me to run. As a good Christian Soldier, help me to fight hard in these spiritual battles You have given me to fight. I can't do any of it without You. Help me to find both my strength and my consolation in Your divine grace, knowing and trusting with my whole heart that it is, and will always be, entirely and reliably abundant to meet all my needs. Thank You that I can forever trust Your Goodness, even in the worst of circumstances.

But dear God, sometimes I do feel hopeless. I feel absolutely destroyed, powerless, helpless, crushed to pieces. It's excruciating, agonizing, suffocating. I'm terrified some nights that I will be swallowed entirely by the pitch-black gulfs of anguished despair. But oh God, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. You KNOW this. I don't want to to live like this anymore, God-- this walking death, this waking nightmare, this living hell! No, I want to live in the JOY that You have actually PROMISED to me in Christ and His Spirit!

But God, you've gotta give me the grace. I need so much help. I need You to help me shift my focus from my current state of torment to my real hope of salvation. Take my attention away from my feelings of panic, terror, and choking grief, and instead reorient my mind to boldness of faith-- to the peace of Christ that transcends understanding. Redirect my vision from my torturous trials in this moment to Your ultimate triumph in eternity, which I can participate in EVEN NOW through my Baptism. Lord, only You can truly renew our mind, not only in how we behave and think, but also in WHO we are at the deepest core. Right now, our body and mind and spirit are constantly at war. It's as exhausting as it is heartbreaking. We weren't meant for this. We were made for LOVE. So please, God, we beg You-- restore us to the Truth in Your Love. Strengthen us in every battle, guide us in every decision, and remind us to keep our eyes and ears and heart and mind focused entirely on You. Thank You that You always hear our prayers in Christ Jesus. Thank You for loving broken things like us. We love You too. Amen.

God, please help me.
I'm exhausted, all the way down to my soul. I can't go on, not alone at least. I need Your help, Your ever-Present and ever-Loving help, to carry this cross any further without being crushed.
I won't put it down. I won't stop walking. I've made up my mind to follow You no matter what. As feeble as it is, I have consecrated my will to You. But "I am nothing, Lord. Help me!"

Please. I’m overwhelmed and bone-tired. I don't have the strength to run to You, but I can still look in Your direction, and meet Your gaze. I can still reach out to You with my entire heart & soul, even if my body is immobilized, paralyzed by fear & fatigue.
Please. Come to meet me. Come embrace me. I can do nothing but beg. I need You, Lord, or I will not make it through this.

Don't let me give up. Don't let me give in. Don't let me surrender to despair, or worse, to the empty promises of decadence.
When entertainment and "self-care" beckon like sirens from the sidelines, coaxing me to stay in bed and skip Mass, to go online and skip prayers, to "put the cross down for a while" and just "set your religion aside for now" and relax, rest, take a day off, et-fatal-cetera-- when the world sees my struggle of faith and chides that "it's not worth killing myself over it," then please, Lord, fix the focus of my entire existence on Your Cross, and respond in courageous conviction that, actually, it is the only thing worth being killed for... after all, You thought the same about me.

Even so, dearest Savior, it's not easy. You know this. It's a very bitter cup. It's a lot of blood to lose. Some days the mere knowledge of what's coming next is enough to chill my very bones... but I cannot say no. It's not that I don't have a choice. It's that I want to join in Your Agony. I want to share in Your Passion. It's insane, the world screams at me, and maybe they're right. It doesn't change anything. I don't want anything but You.

So why am I still such a coward?
Why am I still so weak, so timid, so prone to making excuses and cutting corners? Why am I still such a gutless chicken, scared of denying You as the cold night darkens, terrified of betraying You in the blind instinct to "survive"? What poor excuse for a life would that purchase? Now that I've known You, Jesus, everything but You rings hollow and flat. Nothing but You has purpose or meaning, scent or flavor, color or light. I've seen it all perfected in You and now I can never forget that revelation of Truth. What else could I ever want or need, if I had You? What more could I lose, if I lost You?
Life without You would be death. I would rather die. Give me the Cross.
Give me the strength of love to carry it with You, dear Lord!!

Maybe I won't get any rest for this body until I die. Deep down I'm willing to accept that sacrifice, but Lord, I'm ashamed to admit that when the actual exhaustion hits, I typically crumble beneath its weight. Yet I cannot expect to ever be free of it. To live a life without a good fight TO fight would be naught but a miserably unholy indolence. The march, the battle, the night watches, are SUPPOSED to be exhausting. They give honorable discipline, they build fortitude, they bolster patience & long-suffering, and they are all the work of humble obedience to You, my King and my Lord! You go before me in all of this. To refuse to follow Your example, to not walk in Your very Footsteps, would be an abominable abandonment of not only my Christian moral duty, but of the Love that both demands & inspires such total self-giving & unity with the Beloved!

So, Jesus, keep me that close to You, in all respects. Don't let me stray even for a moment, no matter how faltering my steps may be. If I want rest, I must look for it in its native place-- in the Sabbath, in the completion of Creation, in the Heavenly Kingdom... in You.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and are burdened... and you will find rest for your souls."
That's what I need, Lord. That's all I'll ever need.

But, God, the irony is terrible.
I get the most exhausted from prayer.
In a way, it feels fitting. What is more worth suffering from, but worship? What better a sacrifice can I offer, but one endured for love of You?
Still, Lord, I'm weak. My flesh is feeble. My mind is worn out. I get burnt down to the wire and I start slacking off, dragging the lumber on my shoulders, trying to take the edge off the thorns, trying to catch a breath and sit down... but doing so takes me away from Your path. To seek "rest" apart from Your gentle yoke just shows that I don't understand what rest is... or what prayer is.
Please keep me close to You. Keep me under the yoke of love. Keep my sight set straight to eternity, so I will think nothing of both the shame & struggle we must meet on the way. Nail my faith to Your Feet. Nail my hope to Your Hands. Let me rest my heart in Yours, even as it is pierced by Love. Unite me so completely with You that nothing can conquer me, not even death, and I will find eternal rest in Your Arms, in that place where there is no more pain because all is at peace with God.

Until then I have to fight. And fighting is prayer.
So I must change my perspective, Lord. Instead of selfishly seeking "rest" from the war, I must seek STRENGTH, the strength to strive ever onwards for God-- and that strength is found only in the Cross, because just like true rest, true strength is true Love, that both conquers & consoles all things, and Love is sacrifice.

In the end, dear Jesus, I must suffer. This is a secret joy, when I know its purpose and origin and end. But it's not supposed to be easy. "I will not offer a sacrifice that cost me nothing!" The worth is proven by the cost; we honor by what we offer. And in a beautiful demonstration of that very truth, You are entirely willing to supply me with the very wealth I must expend-- You already covered my expense entire with Your Blood. To do the same for You is therefore the highest privilege. Everything I endure, therefore, is a gift both from and for You, an oblation of reverence and a pledge of promise. If I accept the Blood, I must offer it back-- and in doing so, obtain the priceless joys my Lord thus purchased for me.
That hope is my rest. That love is my strength.

Jesus, facing life without You is infinitely more exhausting than anything I could ever endure alongside You. Your very Presence can and will give me all the strength I need to brave whatever comes my way, all the rest I need to continue unflagging in the fight, and all the joy I need to keep my heart light and loving no matter how heavy this Cross becomes. It's still a Cross. It’s still my only glory. It's still leading me to God.
Stay with me, Jesus, all the way to death and beyond. That's when I can finally rest, without sin, without fear, forever.
Until then, Lord, please... let's walk this Calvary Road together.

Amen.

God, I shamefully admit that, far too often, I want an immediate solution for my problems. I want quick repairs, fast fixes, and instant answers.

Even worse, when I feel something is 'wrong', I will panic and insist that it be righted... RIGHT NOW. It can honestly drive me mad if I let it.

That feeling within waiting, of total blindness & powerlessness to act, is actually terrifying. I feel naked and afraid and dangerously vulnerable. I feel like I'm doomed, if I can't see the solution approaching, let alone even know what it is. I want to ACT. I want to MAKE IT WORK, NOW, on my terms, according to what little I may actually understand.

But You, with tender affection, simply and patiently insist that I... be simply patient.

I realize that is only possible with Love.

Your timing is perfect. Your motives are perfect. Your ways are perfect. Your goals are perfect.

Lord, if I can only remember that, waiting would become a joy– because then I'd be waiting FOR YOU. I'd be able to sit and patiently see how You will act. Even more wonderfully, once I am resting in that trusting perspective, I will become able to cooperate WITH You in Your mysterious yet blessed processes.

As I wait, help me to remember that I'm not waiting for You to act, because You already and always ARE, even if I can't see it at all.
Help me to shift my mindset to learn from the current situation I’m in, instead of impatiently wanting it to change.

You have never failed me, ever.

You have already blessed me so much, despite all odds.

Help me focus on that fact.

God, whatever You're going to do next... thank You.

I trust in You.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

...Lord, You are already here, aren't You?

Then why do I feel like You're keeping Your distance?

Why do I feel like You don't want to come closer?

Why do I feel like You are standing in the doorway, arms crossed, smiling placidly-- as I lay in my hospice bed? But You won't sit next to me. You won't take my hand. You have other places to be, other people to care about. Why do I feel this way?

Why do I feel doomed to be duly avoided, assiduously kept at bay, treated like a malodorous vagabond or a putrefying invalid?

Why do I feel like You're a Father Who doesn't want me to be a sissy, a coward, a mommy's boy, a milquetoast? Why do I feel like this lack of intimacy and warmth IS truly Love?

Lord God, Merciful Savior, help me. I am so afraid.

Recently our eating disorder has returned, due to the stressful change in our living situation. I can't stop it on my own. It's too powerful— it's an addiction, a drug, a psychological narcotic. Once it begins, I'm trapped like a man falling without a parachute. This won't stop until I hit rock bottom.

Please, Lord, don't let me die from this.

Please, Lord, stabilize our mind & emotions so these behaviors won't keep getting triggered so hard.

Give us again the joy of Your Help, the bliss of freedom & peace.

Reach down and rescue us from this slippery slope. Put our feet back on solid ground.

But... God, if You're LETTING this relapse happen, for YOUR GOOD REASONS, then please, we beg You, strengthen us and give us hope amidst the trauma. Help us to properly learn what we need to from this, so it never happens again.

Above all... whatever You do or don't do to deliver us, there is one thing we implore with all our heart: Let even this hellish time somehow bring us permanently closer to Your Loving & Merciful Heart.

Amen.

Lord, what is my new name?

Do You want me to be Red? Do You want me to abandon White?

Do You want me to be a girl or a boy inside? Both?

Am I to stop being a father? Am I to stop being a partner? How much do You want me to leave behind?

Who do YOU want me to be in this nascent era?

I cannot see the future. I am too tangled up in the past. I do not know what You need me to do, or be, or feel, or think.

I cannot discern Your Will on my own. Even worse, I cannot seem to discern Your Voice in the matter. I am too overwhelmed by pain & fear & regret & anger & despair.

Whoever You recreate me as now, please, I beg of You-- make me someone who can love. I want to be able to love as YOU do, to serve & comfort & guide & counsel, to protect & encourage & assist & accompany, to forgive & heal & repair & worship. I want to be able to live 100% FOR YOUR GLORY.

Does that mean leaving my heartfamily behind?

Does that mean sacrificing my sense of self?

Lord, only You know what I should, and must, do.

Only You can make me new.

I cannot do it. That is the Spirit's Prerogative, forever and exclusively.

So, I surrender everything I am to You.

Give me a new face. Give me a new name. Give me a new life.

Make me an instrument of Your Peace.

Amen.

Reset us, Lord.

Start us over. Reboot our life.

Change me. Shift the bloodline. Crucify the sinner we've been.

Strip us of all pride.

Recreate us. Remake us in Your true likeness.

Let Christ live in us at last.

Amen.

Lord Jesus Christ, You died on the Cross to expunge my sins. Your Blood washed away the guilt on my record, all the black marks consumed in a wave of merciful Red.

So why can't I forgive myself?

Why do I feel like my sins weren't an inkspill but an explosion? They were more than a stain, a blotch, a smear-- they were fire to the paper, blades to the flesh, bombs to the castle. My sins cannot be so easily wiped away, I fear. There's too much rubble. There's too much blood. How can anyone rebuild after such catastrophe, when the devastation nuked the trees and changed the very shape of the landscape? You can't sew an amputated leg back on. You can't undrown a baby. You can't take the knife out of their back without watching them die anyway. You can't restore your mangled virginity.

I forget that You delight in doing the impossible good.

My prayer is simply, desperately this: please, remind me.

God, thank You for Your amazing gift of grace, bestowed on us through Your loving Self-sacrifice in Jesus Christ!

Thank You for buying my freedom from sin's deadly power, and meriting for me forgiveness of the evil I have done under its tyranny.

Jesus, my Lord and my God, my heart is full to breaking in gratitude for all You have done. I cannot truly grasp the depth of Your Merciful Love for me... it is like trying to take the ocean into my hands. I cannot fully comprehend the extent of Your Humility, either... that sublime quality that moved You to become the Lamb of God, the Incarnate Son, the meek yet mighty Man willingly bleeding out on that central Cross.

Help me never forget Your death and resurrection. Help me to remember that You thought of me-- specifically, pointedly, and with tenderly steadfast devotion-- as You wept in the Garden and carried that chunk of tree. Help me to remember all that You sacrificed and suffered, willingly, for the sake of finally being in right relationship with me. You couldn't breathe, You couldn't eat or drink, You couldn't see from sheer exhaustion... Your Feet were raw and bloody, Your Face bruised and spat upon, Your Heart shattered and fluttering like a trapped dove. Your torture was excruciating in the truest sense. Your Body screamed with pain even as Your Soul did the same. Your anguish was physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. You took on the full power of Death and the devil, carrying every single sin on Your gored Shoulders, and Lord it would have killed any other creation in existence... but You are the Eternal King. You cannot be dethroned. You entered into death and in doing so, it became Your territory. Your Presence changed everything. Your Love transformed everything. Your Death revived everything. Your Resurrection recreated everything. It's all so mysteriously beautiful and achingly glorious to ponder... but what really makes it hit home is that fine print, handwritten in Blood and gold for each and every human soul that ever was or will be... ALL OF THIS IS MY LOVE FOR YOU.

Help me to remember that the Passion was just that-- ardent, honest, altruistic, all-consuming Love. Jesus went to His Death so that He could redefine both it and Life itself, and with open Arms, embrace us-- even me-- into that new and eternal hope.

Lord, in this most Sacred Triduum, empower me by Your Holy Spirit to enter into its Truth completely. I give You my whole mind, my entire heart, my collective soul, and even my battered body, to inundate with Grace & Fortitude, so that I may zealously yet humbly share Your Good News with others.

I pray this in Jesus' name, that all may be one in Him, united in and through and for His Love forever. Amen.

Lord, whenever I come in contact with another blessed human life, give me the grace to respond with an open heart. Holy Spirit, act in me to always jump at the opportunity to do a work of mercy, of gentleness, of friendship, of justice.
May I always smile, and never turn away. May I always greet, and never neglect. May I always listen earnestly, and never be impatient. May I always offer help, and never shrink back. May I always care, and never condemn. May I always comfort, and never criticize. May I always cherish, and never cast off. May every single human on this planet become irreplaceable & beloved to me. May I see each individual as a Temple of the Spirit, a sibling in Christ, a fellow Child of God.
Lord Jesus, make my heart like Your Heart-- make me love human beings as ardently & unconditionally as You do. May my love for them be anchored & rooted in an all-encompassing love for You, my only God. May that love ignite my very life with a zeal for souls-- with a passion to serve the poor, minister to the sick, evangelize the sinner, and generously give my life in a myriad of ways for the sake of Your People, and the Kingdom of God we are all called to together.
I ask this in Your Name, for You alone are Good, so You alone deserve all the glory, as You use me (even me!) for Your holy purposes. Amen.

God, please, help me love my mother better.

She frightens me, somehow, but I can't turn it off. Just the thought of being in public with her makes me panic-- I get so scared & anxious that I want to cry & vomit.

God, why is this?

I cannot heal from this on my own. I don't know how. I've tried and have not succeeded in any honest way. Lord, only You can heal this.

I don't know how to be in a familial relationship with her. Honestly I don't want to, because of the fear, and that alone is terrifying to admit.

God, I put this matter desperately into Your Hands. Please, work Your gracious Salvation in this area of our life.

Amen.

God, please, help me love my mother better.

She frightens me, somehow, but I can't turn it off. Just the thought of being in public with her makes me panic-- I get so scared & anxious that I want to cry & vomit.

And when I'm next to her in church, hearing her sing, I feel actual violent rage! It's terrifying. I cannot seem to shut it off, let alone prevent it.

But it ISN'T ME. That, too, is clear.

Nevertheless it persists in tormenting me.

God, why is this?

I cannot heal from this on my own. I don't know how. I've tried and have not succeeded in any honest way. Lord, only You can heal this.

I don't know how to be in a familial relationship with her. Honestly I don't want to, because of the fear, and that alone is terrifying to admit.

God, I put this matter desperately into Your Hands. Please, work Your gracious Salvation in this area of our life.

Amen.

God, Thank You for having mercy on us poor sinners.

Thank You for freely and wholeheartedly choosing to save us through the selfless gift of Your Son, the Sinless One— even though we did nothing to deserve such a rescue, and even violently resisted Your efforts towards that end. We didn't think we needed saving, and we certainly didn't think we needed help. But we were blind, deaf, dumb, and dying.

You loved us far too much to leave us like that.

Every good gift that we have is because of You-- goodness itself finds both its origin & perfection in You. But You are also the One Who lavishes good things upon us, out of pure Love.

So today, remind me of Your free gift of salvation.

Really drive the point home that this priceless treasure was outright unmerited, unaffordable, and even unasked for. We were miserable bitter criminals who scoffed and spat at love, who would never admit weakness or need, who denied or even boasted in our sins. THAT is the sort of wretch you gave your most precious treasure to, knowing it might be rejected, and would definitely be met with callous ingratitude. Still... love is unstoppable. Your Incarnate Presence, however unexpected and fleeting, brought an unquenchable fire into life somewhere in our heart-- it sparked into us a Light that would never shrink from darkness, and could never be put out.

Please, give me the joyful boldness to tell others about Your amazing Love-- at all times, in all circumstances. Make every moment of my existence a testimony to Your Goodness. May I never be ashamed to shout Your praises. May I always seize each opportunity to give thanks to You, to glorify You, to love You in return. Make my life a living Gospel.

I pray this in the Name of Jesus the Christ, the Name of the One Who has saved me and Who can save every soul that believes in His Most Holy Name.

Amen.

God, when I am afraid and I run to You for help, please, help me to believe that You care and take my anxieties seriously. I'm so afraid you'll just brush me off and say "stop being so immature, it's no big deal." But I also fear that you might say "you should be afraid, you deserve it for what you've done!"
I know that's not Your Character. At least, I desperately hope it isn't.
Your Name is "Merciful", right? "Slow To Anger", "Rich In Compassion"? It's not "Fed Up With Your Stupidity."
God, show me Your Truth. Please ease my fears by replacing them with a total trust in You.
...Even when I'm terrified that I've made a deadly mistake, that I've done something so dumb or shortsighted it'll end with me in a hospital, PLEASE somehow soothe my frantic soul!! Please, if You aren't too disgusted with me to even listen, comfort me somehow. Don't mollycoddle or placate or shush me. Don't act like everything is fine and dandy. It's not. That's WHY I'm running scared to You. I just need to know that You won't abandon me to my own fatal foolishness with a cold "I told you so," with a hard "see? You never learn!", with a scathing "Serves you right."
Please save my worthless life. Please save my pitiful soul. Don't kill me just because I'm a moron. Don't refuse to comfort me just because my fears are idiotic.
I'm lost and confused and so so scared. Father, be with me, please!!
I beg this of You by the undeserved merits of Jesus Christ Your Son, Who came to this world to save wretched sinners like me. Please remember and show me Your Mercy. Amen.

Lord God, one day, You will reveal every single secret. You will bring every hidden thing out into the open. You will shine Your brilliant light to reveal whatever has been veiled in shadow. Everything boxed in the back of the closet, everything hoarded beneath attic cobwebs, everything forgotten in the coal-dust basements of our souls— You're dragging it all out onto the front lawn!
I beg You, God of Revelation, prepare me for that day. Help me clean up and confess now, before it's too late. Whatever sins have been lost to memory or shielded from awareness, show them to me. Remind me of my weaknesses, my failures, my omissions, my neglect, my foolish wanderings and stubborn rebellions. Bring it all to mind. Uncover every sin, so that You can absolve and heal me, and so scrub my soul clean from all that pitch-black guilt.
Help me to 'fess up to everything, with no excuses, no justifications, no downplaying, no depersonalization. I am guilty, I have done shameful things— why else would I be hiding them, afraid to even admit they are there?
Lord, on that awful Day, I want to be able to stand before You with a conscience You Yourself worked to purify. I don't want to approach Your Throne sheepishly dragging a garbage bag stuffed with all the junk I had denied I owned... until You threw it all out on my lawn. No, I want to hold my hands out to You in humble sincerity, my heart open to You in surrendering love, and say, "My Lord, You know that, truly, there is nothing I have hidden from You." I can only say that then by virtue of Your grace and action now. Help me to bring EVERYTHING to You in prayer, trusting in Your mercy and willingness to save. Give me the wisdom and courage I need to see and admit it all. Jesus, You called me to repent, and I know that can be a terrifying task, when the very things I must repent from are the last things I ever want to admit I did. But I also know that You will enable me to do so, by Your Loving Power and Your Spirit living in me. Christ, my Savior, I trust in You!
Amen.

God, help me not to be preoccupied with earthly worries, instead of heavenly hopes. Help me to rejoice in Your Sovereignty.
Help me not to be obsessed with temporal details, instead of eternal realities. Help me to rejoice in Your Truth.
Help me to serve You, as I am, right now, according to my state of life, realistic abilities, and admitted handicaps. Don't let me despair over what I cannot be or do. Take my attention away from my ego, and fix it firmly on selfless service. May charity & mercy define me, not appearance or status. Help me to keep my heart and eyes so ardently set on You and Your Kingdom, that I will be freed from any and all worldly anxieties.

To be less vague... I don't want to be freaking out over my continually worsening health, my fadng strength, my failing intelligence, my lack of talent, my ugliness, my gender dysphoria, my unbearable creative losses, my pervasive mental illness, or my popular status as a worthless, loathsome, scummy, disgusting, cringe-worthy, delusional, stupid, abusive, loveless, purposeless waste of cells. The fact that this world sees me as garbage, as a nobody, as an aberrant freak meant to be crushed underfoot & eliminated, has been driving me to despair.
But... that's only because I'm looking AT this world. Heaven, Your Kingdom, does NOT see me as such. You LOVE me, honestly & entirely, You WANTED to create me, You are GLAD I exist, and You see me as PRICELESS. That staggers the mind, and I struggle to believe it, but deep down I KNOW it is true.
So... help me to reprioritize. Fill my mind with remembrance of You, and Your Love, and Your Words that assure me of it, even in the darkest places of my life. Help me to stop stressing out over all those negative things, by reminding me that they don't exist in Heaven. Redirect my life towards You alone. Help me let go of every distraction. May I be so enamored by and attentive to You, that serving You and loving You and learning about You is ALL I think about. Lord, help me to forget "me," because YOU are my true Life. That alone is the greatest possible hope & joy, and if I remember it— the reality of Your Presence in me, as part of Your Body, for Your Glory— no mortal fear can hinder me from living as a Christian anymore, because it Won't be about Me anymore.

I ask this by the grace of Jesus, Who gave His Life so that I might live through Him. That is the core of my prayer: that His Will of Salvation be done in me, always. Amen.

No matter what terrors haunt your dreams, no matter what sickness plagues your day, no matter how many responsibilities you must meet, no matter how exhausted you may feel, no matter how much pain and fear and confusion and grief and frustration and regret and emptiness you may struggle with today... God is with you. God sees you, not as a spectator, but as a director. He loves you dearly, and He is orchestrating everything according to the biggest picture. Have faith in His Goodness, hope in His Mercy, and meet every moment with radical love, trusting beyond all visible evidence that God loves you even now... because He does.

Remember: God has NEVER let you down, ever, and you can testify explicitly to that. He doesn't change. He'll bring you through this day, too, with all its trials, and there will be blessed revelation in the end, with a graciously blessed rest to restore your weary soul.

Be patient. This too shall pass, but this too is precious. Carry that cross with joy. You know where it leads.

Jesus said "deny yourself, and take up your cross, and follow me."

Peter did it wrong. He followed Christ to the courtyard, to the small fires in the frigid night, but he ironically didn't deny himself in his pursuant efforts-- he was still too focused on his own survival, and potential heroism, and stubborn ego. And so, unthinking, when the cross suddenly presented itself, Peter denied JESUS, not out of malice, but out of fear of losing his earthly life. He did not have the courage to say, "I do not know this world." And so there was only one other option.

If we do not deny our selves, we will inevitably deny Christ.

To acknowledge Him before the flaming threats of temptation is to choose to shoulder the condemnation & cross with Him, given for being one of His closest companions, His Presence recognizable in us even by our clothing & accent of speech.

But we must choose.

Either we bravely lay our lives on the line in allegiance to the Lord, staking our entire existence on Him... or we play it safe, protect our reputation, and abandon Him.

But, God, it is "not natural" for us mortal creatures to disregard our own interests, even for Your sake. Survival is instinctive, and its misoriented single-mindedness can be cold & cruel. THAT is the "self" we must deny-- the animal self, the "what can I get out of this" self, the "kill or be killed" self. Its top priority is to be safe & comfortable-- even by depriving others of the same-- and so to avoid all personal stress, loss & suffering. Its greatest fear is death, especially one marked by such inescapable fear & agonizing pain as Yours involved. The self pretends it is immortal & invincible just so it never has to think about its last breath. But You warn such deluded mortals: it will still come.

We are only capable of facing death when we realize that it is not the end.

...

God, I need You to work in my life so that I can learn to be a more sacrificial person.

Please, share Your strength with me in times of trouble and distress.

Show me how to carry my cross like Jesus carried His.

Amen.

God, thank You for using ordinary, everyday people for Your Glory. Thank You for using the rejects, outcasts, & nobodies of the world for Your Good Purposes. Thank You for working in me, too— freak and failure though I may feel. Nevertheless, I wouldn't be praying right now if You hadn't called me. I wouldn't even have this blessed faith in You if You hadn't graced me with it.

As incredible as it sounds, You chose me for Yourself even before the beginning of time. When the world was barren, still unformed, still chaotic... even then, when You spoke Light and Order into existence, the germ of my own existence was seeded. The same goes for every other human being that has ever lived. In the very beginning, You had us pictured in Your Heart. We were the artwork You yearned to complete. But even now, billions of years after that initial idea, that ancient affection, You are still working on Your masterpieces. Even in this very moment, You look at me with a painter's Eye, and reach out to me with a Sculptor's touch, always improving the aesthetic of my soul to match Yours all the more.

Thinking about this amazing truth, I can genuinely believe that You do have a unique plan and purpose for my life, something truly Good and Holy, something I CANNOT foil. No matter how often I stumble in weakness, on imperfect footing, with lingering blindness— as long as I turn back to You, my Creator, my Artist, my Father, You can and will correct, restore, strengthen, and guide me. Your work, both on and in me, is not done, not until I am made perfect in You, by You— and that Work cannot be stopped. I thank You profusely for that.

Even so, Lord, I pray: please continue to work at sanctifying my life today. May I be receptive & responsive to each Word of Yours, to every touch of Your Hand, however quiet & soft they may be. Make me constantly attentive and attuned to Your Grace.
Work in me to cut away the rusty rot of vice & error, to remove all parasitic excess & unnatural growth, to carefully & colorfully repaint me where I have been worn down to the bone, and to tenderly recast & reconnect the vital pieces that have been broken off from me.
Work through me to bring about Your Kingdom even in my tiny corner of the world. May I represent You as Your Creation, signed with Your Name, to honor & praise & adore You in every circumstance without exception. May every instant of my life be lived for You, and because of You. You are my Everything. Please saturate every heartbeat I have with that everlasting love.

I pray this in the name of Jesus, the perfect standard and Your Word Incarnate, Who has Himself embraced me to grow ever closer in likeness to Him, until the day He returns and that most joyous ideal is completed, as I rest entire in Him at last. Amen.

God, You WANT me to find rest. You WANT me to be at peace in my soul.
"Only one thing is necessary," You told Martha. This is why and how the Saints rejoice. "I give you My Peace-- I do not give a peace of this world." Your Peace exists regardless of circumstance. Your Peace is anchored in the ultimate Truth of God, the Reality of Love that created and sustains and renews and redeems all things.
Lord, to find perfect peace, I need only look to You. You want this for me. Please gently draw me ever closer to Your Peaceful Heart.

God, when I am weak, You are still strong, and You become my only source of strength, by the Power that always achieves Your Will. When I am lonely, You are my Comforter, for You are always Present, both within & beyond all spaces & times. When I feel unable to keep moving forward, You alone can give me the strength I need to persevere by faith-- for when You become my goal, motive, and reward, Your grace will work in me for Your Glory. Please remind me when I feel overwhelmed by this life that there is more to life than this-- there is You, and You are with me even now. No matter what I must do and endure, please refresh my soul with Your Peace, encourage my soul with Your Hope, and give me rest in Your Heart. May I seek no other refuge. I ask this in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Lord, every concern I have matters to You. You care about me, and You want to keep me safe from evil. You shield me from its onslaught, and You bandage my wounds.

So why do I still admittedly fear that You DON'T?

God, it pains & frightens me to admit that deep down, I'm scared that You WON'T protect or deliver me. I practically expect to be abandoned in my difficulties, watched with a sneer as I'm dragged to the dungeon, left to bleed and choke in the dirt while all I hear is "not so tough now, eh? Dont go looking at me to help! I warned you. But you never listen. So you deserve this for your rebellion. You asked for it. You were looking for trouble, so congratulations! See what it's like? Have you learned your lesson or do I have to punish you harder? This is what your foolish pride and laziness gets you." etc etc etc.

No mercy. No compassion. No help. No comfort. No guidance. No forgiveness. No kindness. No gentleness. None of that "weak, stupid, sissy, namby-pamby baby stuff".

...God please I hope with all my aching being that You aren't like that. Please.

I want to know YOU, the REAL YOU, and what You're like when I'm weak and struggling and in trouble. Do You care enough to give me the strength TO do Good-- because I CAN'T on my own?

God, thank You for seeking ME first, by sending Your Son to save me from living death. Thank You for loving me even when I didn't want to love You. Thank You for devotedly pursuing a relationship with me, no matter how many times I ignored, spurned, or even rejected Your holy courtship.

Jesus, my Lord and my God, You are everything to me.

I want to seek You first each day, before my thoughts turn to anything else. I want to meet You the moment I wake up, and I want to keep You close all day.

Please be a part of every decision, every thought, every word, and every action I have.

My life is Yours.

God, I have faith that You are with me in hard times, and protect me at all times.

My future is secure in You because I am Your child-- and a Father ALWAYS watches over their child, and does what is best for them, no matter what.

So today, I give my life, and every day in it, over to You.

Teach me to seek You first today-- like a kid who always gets their dad's advice & approval before making a choice-- so that I can embrace the abundant life that You alone offer me.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

Father God, here I am. You know the hopes and dreams I have for the future. You know the problems I am currently facing, and the struggles I’ve already overcome. All of it was by Your Power and Love.

You are with me, and You are for me-- You are not against me; You do not seek to oppose me. You want us to be a team, cooperating in mutual love, in righteousness and truth. You are my friend.

Even if You say "no" to what I may be begging for, please help me to realize and BELIEVE wholeheartedly that You only refuse what, ultimately, would harm my soul. Help me to trust in Your perfect judgment, and surrender willingly to it.

Lord God, I implore You, for Your sake and Your glory, please give me the grace of true humility & wisdom, to know what Your Will is in the difficult choices of my life, and to promptly & enthusiastically obey.
Please align my will with Yours as I bring my requests to You today.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God, lately I feel pulled in a thousand directions. So much stress is happening in my family. There is so much movement, so much hurrying, so much frantic nervous business... so much travel, so much talk, so much noise, so much to get done right away. It's overwhelming. It makes it a struggle to spend time with You alone.

But... You are STILL with me in the rush, Lord. Even in the dizzying hurry You are there, still in control, still watching over me, still guiding me in Your Ways, still loving me and everyone else involved.

Help me to stand strongly in faith during these stressful times, Lord. Help me to see You in the faces of others. Help me to hear You in every conversation. Help me to feel Your Presence in every crowd and car and class and church! Speak to me in music and in thought; reach out and touch me in unexpected ways. Work through me for Your Glory, especially in the situations where I am the most desperate for You.

Grace me with peace & patience, Lord, through absolute loving trust in You. May that trust enable me to face all efforts not as trial but as blessing. Grace me with a ready response of honest gratitude to all that You send me, knowing and acknowledging that it is all a gift! Open my heart, my mind, my eyes, and my arms to receive AND generously share Your Love even-- especially-- in the most difficult and painful circumstances.

Lastly, Lord, I humbly pray that when the dust has settled, You also grant me times of quiet recovery and stillness, where I can let this body rest and this mind decompress, and where I can simply spend a precious while with You alone. Keep me alert to those opportunities-- don't let me miss them through frazzled preoccupation and distraction. May my soul be constantly prepared to meet You, both in this life and the next. May my every moment be spent for Your sake... no exceptions!

I make this prayer through the merits of my Savior Jesus Christ, Who called me into this new life of grace, and by Whom alone I am able to live it. Amen.

God loves you as a Father, the same way you love Xenophon.

God loves you as a Protector, the same way Laurie loves you.

Jesus loves you as a Friend, the same way Genesis loves you.

Jesus loves you as part of His very Self, the same way Infinitii loves you.

Jesus loves you even as a Spouse, the same way Chaos 0 loves you.

The only difference is that God, in Jesus Christ, loves you IMMEASURABLY MORE than even they do!!

So don't ever doubt His love. The fact that all those other people love you is PROOF that He does, too.

Anchor your heart into that joyful truth.

God, Your love never ceases to amaze me! It is:

Generous: "of noble birth"; valiant & excellent, of infinite worth & value, of divinely elevated sentiment & of all-surpassing quality; allowing US to be "reborn" into a greater soul through His pure-hearted courage bestowed on us in Christ--

Grand: great in size, limitless, unmeasurable--

Glorious: renowned and honored, praised among all creation, of impeccable reputation & worthy of all accolades--

Thank You for loving me without condition. I don’t deserve it, yet You never stop loving and pursuing me.

Teach me to freely love others as You have loved me. Teach me to love those who "don't merit such treatment," who frustrate & offend & even frighten me. Teach me to love them sincerely despite all that-- without even considering those things! Teach me to pursue them in compassion, never giving up or flaking out, always willing to go the extra mile for them, even if they don't seem to appreciate it. That doesn't matter. Love itself matters. Teach me to love with YOUR Love.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

God, thank You for pursuing me even into the desolate wastelands of my life, unwilling to lose me or leave me to suffer alone in those dank deserts. You search me out when I stray, and You always find me when I get myself lost.

I tremble with wonder when I realize that you want to intimately know me. Your relentless pursuit is a courtship. You never once abandon me. Already You are committed to my highest good, devoted to the actualization of my salvation, and the purification of my heart.

Lord, please free me from worldly distractions, idle speech, useless thoughts, and selfish desires.

For Your honor, and with trust in Your righteous sovereignty, I let go of my personal comforts and control.

Restart my passion and heart for You! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Lord God, Almighty and Merciful God, I am struggling so much with these body & gender issues.

On one hand, I know they "don't matter." Ultimately this body will decay and rot, no matter how fat or muscular it may be now. Ultimately it doesn't matter if I'm a boy or a girl as long as I live my life for You.

Except... it DOES matter. How I take care of this body matters. And I do not understand gender at ALL but the church insists it's vitally important.

Help me, please.

It dazzles me. Heaven REJOICES when I ask for help to change my ways. The angels celebrate when a sinner repents, even just a little. The Father waits and watches, day & night, for His Child to come home. The Son actively searches out the lost coin, the lost sheep, no matter how others may mock & jeer, scorning Him for caring about such a trivial, expendable, worthless thing. God doesn't think so. God loves every dusty penny & wandering lamb. He kisses the filthy sinner and embraces him without fear or shame. God's Love looks diligently for even the slightest "excuse" to shower mercy & compassion upon us. So when we come TO Him, frightened & unsure & hesitant, He runs to meet us with grateful laughter & tears of joy.
So... here I am. I fear being punished for my sins but You are already thrilled that I'm just standing here! "But only say the word," we pray. "Lord, if You wish, You can make me clean." I'm begging. Perhaps I technically don't need to but that's how I feel. Here I am, asking again. Heal me. Change my heart. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm sick of feeling broken & evil & wrong.
Deep down I'm so frustrated I want to shout, "why don't You just shut me off & fix me?" Why do I sometimes pray for help for years and don't see any progress-- or even instead see myself get worse? But that's not Your fault. Sometimes-- well, most times, to be blunt-- my pain & anger blinds me to Your gentle & quiet Work, Your secret small miracles. And I apologize sincerely for my foolish ignorance. I pray You don't hold it against me, this aching frustration, this ardent want to BE A BETTER PERSON and feeling like... like You're just telling me "try harder. Not my fault you keep choosing to sin." But You wouldn't say that. I CAN'T try without You. And You KNOW my freewill is pretty busted-up by trauma & addiction. I NEED Your Help, always. I need You right now, or I will die, and You know THAT, too. So please, help me! Correct my stupid thoughts, soothe my frenetic mind, quiet the fires of anger & agony! Change my heart to be like Yours! Please, please, I don't want to be like this anymore.
Is that being pushy? Or do You cherish the persistence of hope, of some feeble but dogged faith that fuels every return trip?
I desperately hope You do. Deep down, I know You do. That's what Love does-- it wants to see those it loves in the best possible state of heart. If I didn't keep coming back in prayer, if I lost hope, I know You wouldn't just let me go, either-- You'd come looking for me! You'd give me so many amazing coincidences & blessings to guide me back to You.
But... the delay is part of the response. Making me wait strengthens my faith & trust & patience. Making me wait makes me realize that holiness is a PROCESS, not a button You push. Grace has to flood me slowly. My heart has to fill up with the blesses rain and that takes a while of getting soaked to the bone in inclement weather. Everything is from Your hands. You don't turn me away with mine empty, either, even if I'm too distracted to notice.
Every prayer I've ever prayed, every tear I've shed, every heartbroken plea & despairing shout, You have heard and written down in Your Book. Just like our Archives, I'm sure You read them often, always with the most tender care & devoted dedication-- You answer me every time. Even if it's a "no," there's always a redirect to a different, God-given "Yes." Even if it takes YEARS for a "yes" to manifest, even if I don't see or hear or feel a thing... You answer. You are answering right now. You love me, and You never stop working for my eternal Good.
So... remind me of that, God, when I come running back to collapse on my knees before You, weeping & raging & tangled up inside. When I beg You for healing, please, help me to trust in Your sacred silence, the same silence that makes flowers bloom and stars wheel in the sky. It is the silence of sunrise and snowfall and secrets held in the heart. Time, softened & slowed in those moments, sings a song to Your hidden glory. There is Forever, here, even in the waiting, even in the pain. The world is still turning. God is still holding You in His Heart. Wait in peace. Trust Him. He is answering You. The Good will come exactly when it's supposed to, and if you look with a little love, you will find it is already, always, here.

God, I know I will sometimes face painful things, but I find peace and joy in knowing You are with me even in pain.

Truthfully, whenever I suffer, You are even closer to me than usual-- as close as wounds, as close as blood.
Help me to always honor such a deeply sacred and tender mystery.

And yet... there is joy amidst the pain.
God, When I feel overwhelmed, You WANT to support me. When I feel discouraged, You WANT to encourage me.
When I feel hopeless and alone, You RUSH to surround and protect me.
When I feel weak and helpless, You REACH out to me, to become my source of strength.
You WANT to BE my joy in hard times. I just need to open my heart to recognize and receive You.
Nothing is impossible for You, and You are always thinking of my eternal welfare, always working for my highest good.

I am so grateful that Your promises of fidelity are forever true, for You are faithfulness itself.
I am so glad that my future is in Your loving, powerful, and careful Hands.
I have an ineffable reason to rejoice despite all haunting fear & chronic pain, knowing that You are with me even in hard times– even on the Cross.
I firmly believe that, no matter what, You will use my circumstances for Your glory and my good.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Lord, help me to see what work you need me to do in this fallen world, [especially when its brokenness causes me pain and sorrow. I know all mankind hurts along with me, and that You likewise know our pain]. If my suffering is meant to show me how to [help You] repair and restore [some aspect of Creation], lead and guide me in doing that. Help me [to use this experience to grow in empathy and humility, so that I can better understand, comfort, and] work to bless others who are suffering, too. Amen.

(inspired by the Theology of Work Project)

God, Jesus Christ, I come to you now humble and contrite and brokenhearted and afraid in my unwisdom and sinfulness and foolishness and pride and doubt and ignorance.
I am afraid, because I am dying, and I am dying as a wretched stupid sinner, one who kept second-guessing your commands until they killed him.

I keep vomiting. I know you told me not to. I know you want me to stop.
But, you also told me, "don't eat coconut." Actually, no-- you said, "offer it up." You said, "that food WILL hurt you, as it has multiple times in the past, and you know it, despite trying again and again. You must avoid it for your own good. I am telling you this. Offer it up to me."
I didn't listen.
God I was so STUPID. I still thought "well this time it'll be okay" even when you said no, you said NO, put it down, put it back, don't buy it, and when I put it in my cart I wonder why I suddenly hear silence and feel like I'm in hell?
I wonder why I BLACK OUT every time I disobey, not realizing that in that disobedience I enter into a state of ungrace and sin, and Jessica takes over, or Jezebel, or Cecelia, or Jackie, or someone else full of impulse and pride and aggression and selfishness and other vices. Girls who are lost.
It's always the girls. It's so unfair. I love your Mother, but this ancient abuse-instated terror of femininity still lingers. Please, help me heal that before I die. Before this body dies, that is.

That's why I'm typing here tonight.
This body is dying. This body is, literally, dying.
It is down to 100 pounds and that's after we ate. I'm actually scared, for these reasons:
1. This is one hell of a stupid way to die.
2. I don't want to die in sin.
3. I want to be a saint and if I die so dumbly I'm afraid I'll go straight to hell instead and ruin my whole chance on earth or something, I don't know.

I'm just terrified that I'm going to die in sin and go to hell just because I developed a major trauma-rooted eating disorder and I've been so damn confused and scared and lost and hurt for the past decade that I let it kill me instead of dying a martyr or saint or good person.
I'm so scared of "failing at life" because I died so stupidly.

Our mother keeps talking in dagger-to-the-chest ways, in words so sharp and passive-aggressive they hurt, and my ego reacts with cold harsh judgment, and I DON'T WANT THAT.
What do I do? Just ignore that? Catch it and immediately think otherwise? Practice empathy and compassion immediately even in the wake of such a knee-jerk, equally violent thought? Why does she act so sharp all the time?
Maybe it's a test, if that's how to put it. Maybe that's why she's suddenly in my life so much, acting so barbed-wire full of edges and thorns, all prickly and nauseating and making me want to scream and break things and cry until my throat snaps. What is that?
Is this partly a test, to teach me how to be even more forgiving and compassionate and patient and caring and gentle and kind than ever?
I hope so. Even if it's not, God, help me make it that. Help me make this into an opportunity to be more loving and virtuous than ever.

Virtues. God, that's a topic so near and dear to my heart. Where have I been?

She's being bitter again. She keeps trying to make me a villain. Why?
I'm so frightened of her. I don't think she wants to know why. I've forgiven her, but I cannot think about that "why" anymore because dwelling on it is going to leave me heaving and shaking and throwing up and crying until 4am and I don't want to end up dying in THAT state of mind either,

God I can't be living like this.

I want to cry.
I miss my family. God, I miss my husband, I miss my wife, I miss my daughter, I miss my best friends and I miss everyone upstairs so much that my heart aches fit to rend itself clean in half, where have I even been??
I haven't seen much of anyone since Lent started, God forgive me, I didn't know what I was trying to pull in running away from them, whoever lied to me and told me that was "holy" had no idea what they were talking about.

I need to go to bed soon, like right now. My mom's sleeping over and my heart aches for her too, I feel so sorry for her. She's suffering, seeing our body dying here, and I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't.
I love her even if she will never believe that, eve if she hates me.

God, I want to walk as a child of Your Light. I want you to smile at my life, not to shake your head in disappointment and sadness. That destroys me, because I ADORE you, I love you more than my own life, even if I don't always live up to that, and for that I am devastatingly contrite and sorry and ashamed, to the point where I want to scream and vomit (again). But You don't want me doing that anymore.
Point is, I want to be a reflection of Your Love to the world, to my family, to strangers, to all. I want to be a saint, God, I always did, I truly do. I won't give up. You won't give up on me, even if I find that hard to believe yet, I know it's true because You are Infinite Love and the only entity I know with a similar name is the deepest abyss of sheer compassion I have ever known and if ze gets that from You… well. That alone speaks volumes as to Your true nature, regardless of what the demon voices say.

I want to be Good, through Your Grace alone. I want to be an example of Virtue and Christian living. I want to be a Good child, I want to be an obedient loving child of Yours, that's all I want.
I want to stay alive to be Good. I want to stay alive so it doesn't destroy this body's blood family if this body dies. I know it will, and as hard as that is for me to believe too… I know it's true. They've said so.

I wonder about that. I guess I'm broken a bit, still.
If Xenophon was doing this to her body… and she died as a result… I'd find it impossible to react the way my family is reacting? Because I know that I don't want to die, I'm not trying to hurt anyone, I'm just struggling here… I'm scared to death and I don't want to be sick, I don't want to vomit, I want to be healthy and happy and safe and I don't want to panic over every bite this body takes out of anything.
If Xenophon was struggling like this I'd embrace her every step of the way and try to help her get better.
If she died, I'd be heartbroken to lose her, but I'd be glad her suffering was over, and I'd pray for her until I died.
…
My family isn't like that. They want me, or at least this body (therefore "us") to stick around, and I'm not so confused (and never so cold) that I'd scoff at that. I love them and want to help them. Therefore, right now, I must survive.

Black Light Machine.

God, I need to tune back into who I am. It's been too long. I think that's what's killing us, really.
We spent months trying to annihilate ourselves to be "normal" and now look at us.
You all know, we ALL know, full well, that we didn't start vomiting like this until after we tried to ignore headspace.
When we are inside, and in tune, and in love, this eating disorder shit DOESN’T HAPPEN.

I'm sorry for swearing. But that's the bottom line.
We CAN survive, with God's help, we need to keep praying and keep trying and keep our heart bright, no more angry words and thoughts, just love and forgiveness and perseverance and trust in God.

We can do this. We can survive.
God, please, give me at least one more day. Tomorrow I need to pay off the past 4 years of debts (AT LAST) and I need to make a complete confession. I need to borrow money one more time (which I hate doing, that's what makes us vomit everything up too) in order to stock up on food we can actually eat, now that the long months of battling Cecelia's addictions and Jackie's impulses have almost come to an end.
…
I prayed about this, didn't I. I saw how God utterly annihilated the hackers' power, almost overnight, after a decade of hell. Now I can't even remember what it was like (THANK GOD).
And, when this eating disorder hit a fever pitch this year, and I felt we were in hell again, I just prayed… God, if you got us through that, You can get us through this.
And… He has, all for the last few steps here. I knew we wouldn't get our disability money until God saw us fit to handle that financially, which required crushing our addictions and compulsions and obligatory buys. And so we have, if God will forgive us for the asinine "one more try" mistake of today, which just re-proved old lessons that we forgot due to unplugging from headspace for too long.
But the point is… God is delivering us, always. He is standing by us even now.

God, let us survive. Help us survive, if only to do good, for Your Name's sake. Amen.

I love You, and I want to be a light of Your love. Grant me that grace. I beg of you, have mercy on me, a poor wretched fragmented sinner, and please, grant me at least another 24 hours, and guide me through them. Without you I am nothing. Without You I am hopeless and lost and full of nothing but mistakes. But, following You, listening to You, with You, for You, I can do anything. And THAT is how I/we want to live, forever.

God, if we do die tonight, we truly do love You. We do. We all do, and like Peter said, "You know everything, Lord; You know that I love you." Even if we denied you three times in the midst of hell. We were stupid. We were weak. But we never stopped loving you, even in our frailty.
God it's so hard to forgive myself for that.
But You do. Somehow, unfathomably, mercifully, You do.

This is why I need to tap back into headspace, permanently. They reflect You so clearly.

I need to go to bed, right now. Mom need sleep and this typing + light is keeping her up.

God, help us to survive. Help us to find your neverending light in every moment, to pull us through. Help us to live a life that honors Your Divinity in everything it does. With Your help, we can do it.

For that reason alone, I would keep living, and that's all I ask.

But may Your will, not mine, be done. (Amen.)
I love you. Good night, and thanks so much for letting us have today, mistakes and all, because at least I'm here now, and I'm taking one more step forwards by Your grace, in spite of my stumbling, because You are leading me by the hand.

I want to make reparation for my sins. I want to be a blessing to this family on earth. I want to live in the love of my internal family. I want to bring joy and light to all I meet, through You, for You.

Help us to fix our life. Help us to survive.
Amen.

Dear God:

I am so sorry.
I keep thinking this is "worth it" for some reason, and it's not.
Every single time, my body is wracked with pain, and nausea, and fear.
I do not like this. The aftereffects make me want to sob, and sob, and sob, but it makes me so tired I cannot manage.
I am so sorry.

God, I only did this because I confused it with closeness.
I know you gave me a chance to stop. I took it, at first. I wish I had not reconsidered my own convictions.
It hurt. It always hurts. It's empty, and it hurts.

I'm through with questioning the morality of this. I'm done.
God, help me never to do this again.
Help me to remember that I CAN feel intimacy, closeness, trust, affection, with other people-- and other people can feel that for other people too-- WITHOUT having to force ourselves to do this instead.
I only wanted to feel close to someone. I knew, the whole time, that this thing wasn't what I wanted.

I am so sorry.
God, my body wants to shiver and vomit and cry. I am so sick. This never fails.
I know it's because this isn't for me. Why do I keep forcing myself into this?
It's just doubt, over and over and over.
Well I'll try again. I promise. This time I NEVER want to slip again. Ever.
Give me strength. Give me the strength of will and clarity of mind to not give in to the empty sweet talk of those who don't know what's best for me.

Help me, and those in the System/Spectrum, to focus on LOVE in its purest forms, yes it's PUREST forms, separate from this… help us all to feel and show true loving affection and compassion without feeling like we "have to" shove it down to this level.

God, forgive me, please. I am so so so sorry.
What I really want to do is rewind time, and take this back. I want to rewind time and stop this from EVER happening in the first place, whenever that was, for whatever reason.
But I can't. Like they say, the past is past, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I can stop it from repeating though.

God, I really do want to cry, so much, from this. I'm so sick and scared and sad. Why?
Help me, help us, to cry. Help us in therapy on Monday. Help us talk about this exactly, so we can heal whatever is crushing our convictions, and pushing us into dissociative numb abuse. This counts as abuse, when it goes against our spiritual and physical health.
Just because others can do it does NOT mean we should.
Please, help me to remember that.
Help me to say no.
Help me to run when I want to.
Help me be aware of ME instead of what someone else wants me to be, or what I think I should be.

God I am shaking so bad. I am so damn scared.
I don't know what to do.
Please, please, PLEASE, I am begging you, I want you to take drastic measures in preventing this in the future. Like the car driving by the window. Like people knocking on doors.
And you did, you DID, you ALWAYS do… and I listened this time, at first.
Why do I always feel like I HAVE to "try again," like I HAVE to "see if I like it this time," the thousandth time and it just hurts worse than ever. I never liked it.
God, help me.

Help me.
Part of me can't forget those Mormon kids and how nice and happy they were and how they acted like this was some huge part of their salvation and it had to be for me too.
Part of me can't shake the feeling of brokenness from when my college professors told me that unless I could stare at a naked woman without wanting to scream then I had better not be an artist.
Part of me can't let go of the suffocating terror brought on by forced exposure to pornography, trying to "get used to it," and serving only in making our nightmares that much more vivid and traumatic.

God, I want no part of this.

God, I want my innocence back.
Maybe I can never get it back in this lifetime. Not entirely. I can split, though, if that's okay.
Is there a way to break off the parts of me that remember this pain? I don't want to feel it ever again.
I want to go back to being innocent and white and pure and righteous, but I don't want to go back to hating and condemning and all that. I want to stand strong in my own truth without feeling the frightened need to shoot down those who oppose it.
I'm scared. That's the truth.
I'm very scared of the religious people online who say that THIS is the "one true path to God," because no matter WHAT I do, no matter HOW I do it, no matter WHO it's been done with… and not even me, I'm talking about all the Core people in the past who tried so hard their eyes could bleed from all the tears they cried… no matter what, it never worked. It NEVER, EVER WORKED.
I don't think it ever will, and quite frankly, I don't WANT it to, because I don't want to HAVE to do this "because now I'm 'fixed'!"
God, help me to feel like I'm not broken in the soul for being different.
Please. I know there are other paths to you.

I love people. Or at least, I did, before things changed.
Those inside… there's a lot of love there, I know.
I'd let them write but I can't tell them about this, they'd start sobbing. I am so sorry. I don't want them to have to bleed for my stupid mistake. It's not fair.
I know they'd tell me I have to bleed instead but I'm terrified and I don't know if that would stop it?
But I have to, I guess, until we find a better way.

I'm sad. I'm tired and sad and sick and God I am so sorry.

I'm going to go to sleep and God get this garbage OUT of the Leagueworlds, please, oh dear God it should never have gotten in there in the first place. Please, God, it's all confusion.

I'll heal them. Somehow. I'll step in and scrub it out even if it means I have to eviscerate myself to do it. I'll sacrifice myself entirely if it will deliver those people from my stupid, stupid mistakes.

God I don't want to die but I want this to stop.

I wonder what the others would say.

I need to sleep. I don't want to be awake right now. I'm sorry.

Monika, it IS disgusting, and it's NOT what you want, and you are ALLOWED to say no, even if it's to your friend. You are NOT obligated to endure things that make you very uncomfortable just because you like the person who asked.
Nikki, stop being a scientist about this. Stop detaching from the experience just so you can "study" it without being grossed out or shaken up.
Both of you, stay friends. Stay close. Love each other in the RIGHT way, don't do this. Don't do that. You know you don't want or like it, so DON'T. Please.

That goes for everyone. Especially me.

God, you are love, and I know… I desperately hope, I BEG you, please, you are love, tell me that THAT isn't the only way to love.
Please. Tell me, for sure, unquestionably, that I don't have to do that to love truly.
I want to go to heaven, but I'm terrified that I have to do that indefinitely to achieve it.
I don't want this at all. Please tell me that's not going to lock me out of the pearly gates.

God, I'm sorry. I'm truly, heart-wrenchingly sorry.
Please forgive me. Please protect me. Please, heal me.
Please don't let this ever happen again.

I love you. I'm sorry.

I'm even more sorry that I thought that was love.

-Jewel

1:58 AM august 9th

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@9:45 PM

today

razor was out for a while
killed three hacker plush
no idea who the hell keeps doing this
got blood and guts all over her knife
one of them was full of plague eggs
it was disgusting and terrifying
razor threw them out on the lawn
"turn into good bugs"
threw sparkly purple paint water after them
said that would go into the ground
and help to change them
razor said one of the plushes was pretending to be a jewel monster
and an angel
she got furious and said it was a liar
she cut off its wings
and cut off its head
threw the dead plushes out into the woods
said the woods will reabsorb them
so we're safe
the woods is powerful and purifying
which is why it is extremely evil for hackers to try and hurt it
the woods will eat them alive
so that is good at least.

we atoned today. had to.
jay blessed it.
it was a shock to all of us when we realized we havent been around in like THREE DAYS
when jewel is out normally this is fine
BUT someone ate tar food today
and the consequences were INSTANT.
we need to be unflinchingly vigilant with food from now on
the slightest amount causes instant violent rage abusive mindsets
and that needs to stop.

last night

jewel got hacked?
league routed
it was devastating for her

bizarrely life is good otherwise
TONS of leaguework being completed
mage angels book draft has begun
another shirt done, starting two more
working on music again
its beautiful and we are so happy
so so happy
which is nice.
we NEED to start the akuna art trade but we're paranoid about "getting it wrong"
jay says we should just try with honest intent and it should work
so we're reviewing all the info we have and will try tomorrow after therapy
if all goes well
we do love the people in that system even if we dont know them well
the affection doesnt go away

we are very very very sick to our stomach
we are so numb at this point theres just this internal shaking
i can only imagine how much pent up fear and rage and terror there is now

there IS someone in the system who cries more than anyone though
an inhuman person in the sky spectrum slots
they have lots of eyes. but they sob.
calling them "the mourner" currently
they were out last night crying when no one else could figure out how
it helped immensely
i wonder if they can front

therapist said heavy-duty work starts tomorrow.
it's about time

The synchronicity tonight is so loud.

I'm so thankful I can still hear it,
despite the void between my ears.

then again,
I don't think I could tune this out
even if I tried.

My guiding hand of love
is helping everywhere you go.

Lord, even if it still looks dark outside,
help me keep my eyes open.

I know the sun is rising even as we speak.

I might not understand why,
but I think I'm supposed to be alive to see it.

if being alive means this, and only this,
like they both said...
if surviving another day means nothing except
being able to love for a moment longer,
then I think it is worth trying again.

maybe i'm a fool.
maybe that doesn't matter.

maybe the only hope i can remember some nights
is the seagreen glimmer of his eyes
and the soundless waveform of his voice
insisting that despite almost a decade of disaster
he really does love me too.

maybe that's enough
just a reminder of the greater truth here
that can never be lost
no matter how far i've fallen

maybe that's enough...
even if it's also my biggest reason to die.

god you sure had one heck of a plan for me here, i'll tell you what

i can't tell what's up or down some days, and yet i'm still breathing

i guess you've got a better idea as to what's going on than i do.

let it be done to me according to your will.
that's all i have the strength to pray for right now.

and yet i feel like smiling.
how wonderfully odd.

Profile

prismaticbleed

tumblr

June 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

Syndicate

Page Summary

youversion: march prayers
A prayer of worship
youversion: february prayers
A prayer of brokenness
A Prayer for True Rest
A prayer while I wait
God, I need You to show up
A prayer for relapse
a prayer for renewal
a prayer for rebirth
a prayer to forgive
A Prayer for Remembering Jesus' Sacrifice
A prayer to do good
A prayer over maternal fear
A prayer over maternal fear
a prayer of thanks
a prayer when frightened
a prayer to disclose it all
a prayer to refocus
a reminder
A Prayer to Live Like Jesus
A Prayer of Good Work
a prayer for rest
A prayer to refresh my soul
An honest confession of doubt
A Prayer for Seeking God
a prayer for wisdom in prayer
a prayer amidst the rush
God loves you
A Prayer about God’s Great Love
a prayer for restarting
a prayer for help
a prayer for help
A prayer for joy in hard times
a prayer in pain
050216
aug 9 2015
010713

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jun. 25th, 2025 04:39 am

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with prayers

Syndicate

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags