the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

Dear God:

I am so sorry.
I keep thinking this is "worth it" for some reason, and it's not.
Every single time, my body is wracked with pain, and nausea, and fear.
I do not like this. The aftereffects make me want to sob, and sob, and sob, but it makes me so tired I cannot manage.
I am so sorry.

God, I only did this because I confused it with closeness.
I know you gave me a chance to stop. I took it, at first. I wish I had not reconsidered my own convictions.
It hurt. It always hurts. It's empty, and it hurts.

I'm through with questioning the morality of this. I'm done.
God, help me never to do this again.
Help me to remember that I CAN feel intimacy, closeness, trust, affection, with other people-- and other people can feel that for other people too-- WITHOUT having to force ourselves to do this instead.
I only wanted to feel close to someone. I knew, the whole time, that this thing wasn't what I wanted.

I am so sorry.
God, my body wants to shiver and vomit and cry. I am so sick. This never fails.
I know it's because this isn't for me. Why do I keep forcing myself into this?
It's just doubt, over and over and over.
Well I'll try again. I promise. This time I NEVER want to slip again. Ever.
Give me strength. Give me the strength of will and clarity of mind to not give in to the empty sweet talk of those who don't know what's best for me.

Help me, and those in the System/Spectrum, to focus on LOVE in its purest forms, yes it's PUREST forms, separate from this… help us all to feel and show true loving affection and compassion without feeling like we "have to" shove it down to this level.

God, forgive me, please. I am so so so sorry.
What I really want to do is rewind time, and take this back. I want to rewind time and stop this from EVER happening in the first place, whenever that was, for whatever reason.
But I can't. Like they say, the past is past, and there's nothing I can do about it.
I can stop it from repeating though.

God, I really do want to cry, so much, from this. I'm so sick and scared and sad. Why?
Help me, help us, to cry. Help us in therapy on Monday. Help us talk about this exactly, so we can heal whatever is crushing our convictions, and pushing us into dissociative numb abuse. This counts as abuse, when it goes against our spiritual and physical health.
Just because others can do it does NOT mean we should.
Please, help me to remember that.
Help me to say no.
Help me to run when I want to.
Help me be aware of ME instead of what someone else wants me to be, or what I think I should be.

God I am shaking so bad. I am so damn scared.
I don't know what to do.
Please, please, PLEASE, I am begging you, I want you to take drastic measures in preventing this in the future. Like the car driving by the window. Like people knocking on doors.
And you did, you DID, you ALWAYS do… and I listened this time, at first.
Why do I always feel like I HAVE to "try again," like I HAVE to "see if I like it this time," the thousandth time and it just hurts worse than ever. I never liked it.
God, help me.

Help me.
Part of me can't forget those Mormon kids and how nice and happy they were and how they acted like this was some huge part of their salvation and it had to be for me too.
Part of me can't shake the feeling of brokenness from when my college professors told me that unless I could stare at a naked woman without wanting to scream then I had better not be an artist.
Part of me can't let go of the suffocating terror brought on by forced exposure to pornography, trying to "get used to it," and serving only in making our nightmares that much more vivid and traumatic.

God, I want no part of this.

God, I want my innocence back.
Maybe I can never get it back in this lifetime. Not entirely. I can split, though, if that's okay.
Is there a way to break off the parts of me that remember this pain? I don't want to feel it ever again.
I want to go back to being innocent and white and pure and righteous, but I don't want to go back to hating and condemning and all that. I want to stand strong in my own truth without feeling the frightened need to shoot down those who oppose it.
I'm scared. That's the truth.
I'm very scared of the religious people online who say that THIS is the "one true path to God," because no matter WHAT I do, no matter HOW I do it, no matter WHO it's been done with… and not even me, I'm talking about all the Core people in the past who tried so hard their eyes could bleed from all the tears they cried… no matter what, it never worked. It NEVER, EVER WORKED.
I don't think it ever will, and quite frankly, I don't WANT it to, because I don't want to HAVE to do this "because now I'm 'fixed'!"
God, help me to feel like I'm not broken in the soul for being different.
Please. I know there are other paths to you.

I love people. Or at least, I did, before things changed.
Those inside… there's a lot of love there, I know.
I'd let them write but I can't tell them about this, they'd start sobbing. I am so sorry. I don't want them to have to bleed for my stupid mistake. It's not fair.
I know they'd tell me I have to bleed instead but I'm terrified and I don't know if that would stop it?
But I have to, I guess, until we find a better way.


I'm sad. I'm tired and sad and sick and God I am so sorry.

I'm going to go to sleep and God get this garbage OUT of the Leagueworlds, please, oh dear God it should never have gotten in there in the first place. Please, God, it's all confusion.

I'll heal them. Somehow. I'll step in and scrub it out even if it means I have to eviscerate myself to do it. I'll sacrifice myself entirely if it will deliver those people from my stupid, stupid mistakes.


God I don't want to die but I want this to stop.

I wonder what the others would say.

I need to sleep. I don't want to be awake right now. I'm sorry.

Monika, it IS disgusting, and it's NOT what you want, and you are ALLOWED to say no, even if it's to your friend. You are NOT obligated to endure things that make you very uncomfortable just because you like the person who asked.
Nikki, stop being a scientist about this. Stop detaching from the experience just so you can "study" it without being grossed out or shaken up.
Both of you, stay friends. Stay close. Love each other in the RIGHT way, don't do this. Don't do that. You know you don't want or like it, so DON'T. Please.

That goes for everyone. Especially me.


God, you are love, and I know… I desperately hope, I BEG you, please, you are love, tell me that THAT isn't the only way to love.
Please. Tell me, for sure, unquestionably, that I don't have to do that to love truly.
I want to go to heaven, but I'm terrified that I have to do that indefinitely to achieve it.
I don't want this at all. Please tell me that's not going to lock me out of the pearly gates.

God, I'm sorry. I'm truly, heart-wrenchingly sorry.
Please forgive me. Please protect me. Please, heal me.
Please don't let this ever happen again.

I love you. I'm sorry.

I'm even more sorry that I thought that was love.



-Jewel

1:58 AM august 9th

 

 

 

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@9:45 PM



today


razor was out for a while
killed three hacker plush
no idea who the hell keeps doing this
got blood and guts all over her knife
one of them was full of plague eggs
it was disgusting and terrifying
razor threw them out on the lawn
"turn into good bugs"
threw sparkly purple paint water after them
said that would go into the ground
and help to change them
razor said one of the plushes was pretending to be a jewel monster
and an angel
she got furious and said it was a liar
she cut off its wings
and cut off its head
threw the dead plushes out into the woods
said the woods will reabsorb them
so we're safe
the woods is powerful and purifying
which is why it is extremely evil for hackers to try and hurt it
the woods will eat them alive
so that is good at least.

we atoned today. had to.
jay blessed it.
it was a shock to all of us when we realized we havent been around in like THREE DAYS
when jewel is out normally this is fine
BUT someone ate tar food today
and the consequences were INSTANT.
we need to be unflinchingly vigilant with food from now on
the slightest amount causes instant violent rage abusive mindsets
and that needs to stop.


last night

jewel got hacked?
league routed
it was devastating for her


bizarrely life is good otherwise
TONS of leaguework being completed
mage angels book draft has begun
another shirt done, starting two more
working on music again
its beautiful and we are so happy
so so happy
which is nice.
we NEED to start the akuna art trade but we're paranoid about "getting it wrong"
jay says we should just try with honest intent and it should work
so we're reviewing all the info we have and will try tomorrow after therapy
if all goes well
we do love the people in that system even if we dont know them well
the affection doesnt go away

we are very very very sick to our stomach
we are so numb at this point theres just this internal shaking
i can only imagine how much pent up fear and rage and terror there is now

there IS someone in the system who cries more than anyone though
an inhuman person in the sky spectrum slots
they have lots of eyes. but they sob.
calling them "the mourner" currently
they were out last night crying when no one else could figure out how
it helped immensely
i wonder if they can front

therapist said heavy-duty work starts tomorrow.
it's about time