An honest confession of doubt

[prismaticbleed]

 

Lord, every concern I have matters to You. You care about me, and You want to keep me safe from evil. You shield me from its onslaught, and You bandage my wounds.

So why do I still admittedly fear that You DON'T? 

God, it pains & frightens me to admit that deep down, I'm scared that You WON'T protect or deliver me. I practically expect to be abandoned in my difficulties, watched with a sneer as I'm dragged to the dungeon, left to bleed and choke in the dirt while all I hear is "not so tough now, eh? Dont go looking at me to help! I warned you. But you never listen. So you deserve this for your rebellion. You asked for it. You were looking for trouble, so congratulations! See what it's like? Have you learned your lesson or do I have to punish you harder? This is what your foolish pride and laziness gets you." etc etc etc.

No mercy. No compassion. No help. No comfort. No guidance. No forgiveness. No kindness. No gentleness. None of that "weak, stupid, sissy, namby-pamby baby stuff".

...God please I hope with all my aching being that You aren't like that. Please. 

I want to know YOU, the REAL YOU, and what You're like when I'm weak and struggling and in trouble. Do You care enough to give me the strength TO do Good-- because I CAN'T on my own?