A prayer of brokenness

[prismaticbleed]

 

Dear Lord, I am completely broken. And yet, You not only see me in my brokenness, You meet me in it. You stand by me, You sit with me, You lie down in the humiliating dirt with me. You see and know how I am being utterly torn to shreds and beaten bloody by my merciless addictions and terrifying mental illnesses. God, help me to radically trust in Your loving nearness, even now-- this is a Cross, after all.  As Jesus carried His, help me to carry mine with Him. As Saint Paul pressed on, help me to press on in the race You have given me to run. As a good Christian Soldier, help me to fight hard in these spiritual battles You have given me to fight. I can't do any of it without You. Help me to find both my strength and my consolation in Your divine grace, knowing and trusting with my whole heart that it is, and will always be, entirely and reliably abundant to meet all my needs. Thank You that I can forever trust Your Goodness, even in the worst of circumstances. 

But dear God, sometimes I do feel hopeless.  I feel absolutely destroyed, powerless, helpless, crushed to pieces. It's excruciating, agonizing, suffocating.  I'm terrified some nights that I will be swallowed entirely by the pitch-black gulfs of anguished despair. But oh God,  I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP. You KNOW this. I don't want to to live like this anymore, God-- this walking death, this waking nightmare, this living hell!  No, I want to live in the JOY that You have actually PROMISED to me in Christ and His Spirit! 

But God, you've gotta give me the grace. I need so much help. I need You to help me shift  my focus from my current state of torment  to my real hope of salvation.  Take my attention away from my feelings of panic, terror, and choking grief, and instead reorient my mind to boldness of faith-- to the peace of Christ that transcends understanding. Redirect my vision from my torturous trials in this moment to Your ultimate triumph in eternity, which I can participate in EVEN NOW through my Baptism. Lord, only You can truly renew our mind, not only in how we behave and think, but also in WHO we are at the deepest core. Right now, our body and mind and spirit are constantly at war. It's as exhausting as it is heartbreaking. We weren't meant for this. We were made for LOVE. So please, God, we beg You-- restore us to the Truth in Your Love. Strengthen us in every battle, guide us in every decision, and remind us to keep our eyes and ears and heart and mind  focused entirely on You.  Thank You that You always hear our prayers in Christ Jesus. Thank You for loving broken things like us. We love You too. Amen.