prismaticbleed | a prayer for help (Reply)

It dazzles me. Heaven REJOICES when I ask for help to change my ways. The angels celebrate when a sinner repents, even just a little. The Father waits and watches, day & night, for His Child to come home. The Son actively searches out the lost coin, the lost sheep, no matter how others may mock & jeer, scorning Him for caring about such a trivial, expendable, worthless thing. God doesn't think so. God loves every dusty penny & wandering lamb. He kisses the filthy sinner and embraces him without fear or shame. God's Love looks diligently for even the slightest "excuse" to shower mercy & compassion upon us. So when we come TO Him, frightened & unsure & hesitant, He runs to meet us with grateful laughter & tears of joy.
So... here I am. I fear being punished for my sins but You are already thrilled that I'm just standing here! "But only say the word," we pray. "Lord, if You wish, You can make me clean." I'm begging. Perhaps I technically don't need to but that's how I feel. Here I am, asking again. Heal me. Change my heart. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm sick of feeling broken & evil & wrong.
Deep down I'm so frustrated I want to shout, "why don't You just shut me off & fix me?" Why do I sometimes pray for help for years and don't see any progress-- or even instead see myself get worse? But that's not Your fault. Sometimes-- well, most times, to be blunt-- my pain & anger blinds me to Your gentle & quiet Work, Your secret small miracles. And I apologize sincerely for my foolish ignorance. I pray You don't hold it against me, this aching frustration, this ardent want to BE A BETTER PERSON and feeling like... like You're just telling me "try harder. Not my fault you keep choosing to sin." But You wouldn't say that. I CAN'T try without You. And You KNOW my freewill is pretty busted-up by trauma & addiction. I NEED Your Help, always. I need You right now, or I will die, and You know THAT, too. So please, help me! Correct my stupid thoughts, soothe my frenetic mind, quiet the fires of anger & agony! Change my heart to be like Yours! Please, please, I don't want to be like this anymore.
Is that being pushy? Or do You cherish the persistence of hope, of some feeble but dogged faith that fuels every return trip?
I desperately hope You do. Deep down, I know You do. That's what Love does-- it wants to see those it loves in the best possible state of heart. If I didn't keep coming back in prayer, if I lost hope, I know You wouldn't just let me go, either-- You'd come looking for me! You'd give me so many amazing coincidences & blessings to guide me back to You.
But... the delay is part of the response. Making me wait strengthens my faith & trust & patience. Making me wait makes me realize that holiness is a PROCESS, not a button You push. Grace has to flood me slowly. My heart has to fill up with the blesses rain and that takes a while of getting soaked to the bone in inclement weather. Everything is from Your hands. You don't turn me away with mine empty, either, even if I'm too distracted to notice.
Every prayer I've ever prayed, every tear I've shed, every heartbroken plea & despairing shout, You have heard and written down in Your Book. Just like our Archives, I'm sure You read them often, always with the most tender care & devoted dedication-- You answer me every time. Even if it's a "no," there's always a redirect to a different, God-given "Yes." Even if it takes YEARS for a "yes" to manifest, even if I don't see or hear or feel a thing... You answer. You are answering right now. You love me, and You never stop working for my eternal Good.
So... remind me of that, God, when I come running back to collapse on my knees before You, weeping & raging & tangled up inside. When I beg You for healing, please, help me to trust in Your sacred silence, the same silence that makes flowers bloom and stars wheel in the sky. It is the silence of sunrise and snowfall and secrets held in the heart. Time, softened & slowed in those moments, sings a song to Your hidden glory. There is Forever, here, even in the waiting, even in the pain. The world is still turning. God is still holding You in His Heart. Wait in peace. Trust Him. He is answering You. The Good will come exactly when it's supposed to, and if you look with a little love, you will find it is already, always, here.