God, I need You to show up

[prismaticbleed]

 

...Lord, You are already here, aren't You? 

Then why do I feel like You're keeping Your distance?

Why do I feel like You don't want to come closer?

Why do I feel like You are standing in the doorway, arms crossed, smiling placidly-- as I lay in my hospice bed? But You won't sit next to me. You won't take my hand. You have other places to be, other people to care about. Why do I feel this way? 

Why do I feel doomed to be duly avoided, assiduously kept at bay, treated like a malodorous vagabond or a putrefying invalid? 

Why do I feel like You're a Father Who doesn't want me to be a sissy, a coward, a mommy's boy, a milquetoast? Why do I feel like this lack of intimacy and warmth IS truly Love?