the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

...

I think all those months of being told I was "a liar," "a monster," "a manipulator," etc. and then screaming those same hateful things to "myself" in the mirror for hours, really... took a toll on our well-being at large.

It's disgusting. It's heartbreaking. It's terrible. For so, so long, we've had this burned into our subconscious-- since childhood, when our mother first told us "YOU'RE the cause of every fight in this family," et cetera, hitting a breaking point with the post-SLC fallout in which we became so convinced that we were "evil at the core" that we tried to kill ourself, and escalating to a fever pitch when our brother moved back in with the wrong face and the wrong hair and the wrong eyes and started hissing at us that we were a horrible person EVERY TIME HE SAW US.

It got to the point where something in us snapped and said "if that's what you want me to be, fine. I'll MAKE your words come true.
I'll MAKE an alter to fulfill ALL your bitter wishes."

And it did.

And we're furious and miserable at what she did when she was in power.

God willing she's dead now. We're annihilating every single one of her access points and addictions and things and although her triggers are still lingering like electrocution spasms, she herself hasn't been allowed to so much as blink in about three weeks. Thank God. I hope she stays dead.



But I feel like our life is ruined.
That part of us succumbed to despair and basically sold our soul, basically crushed our reputation and hopes, basically turned us into our worst fears for REAL. And it ruined our family relationships, and it ruined all our friendships too. I think it even ruined the new ones.
Everything feels like a blast zone right now, just nothing but cold toxic dust as far as the eye can see. Thanks to her, thanks to that damn alter deciding she was going to "make their words come true" WHO THE HELL SAID THAT HAD TO BE TRUE?????
WHY WERE WE ALWAYS SO AFRAID TO SAY 'NO' THAT WE NEVER EVEN STOOD UP TO STATEMENTS LIKE THAT?????

And now look at us.


Stop. You're making this worse. You're succumbing to despair too.
She's dead. Let her stay dead. Let the past to rot. Leave it behind for good. Don't even think about it.
If we need to reset everything again, let's do it. Headspace has felt dead since last October anyway. We're in desperate need of a massive change. This is the perfect time.
Let's abandon EVERYTHING that harms us, everything that doesn't work. Just drop it and don't even give it a second thought. Leave it and keep walking. That's what we have to do.

Life feels like a bad dream right now, so for heaven's sakes, let's wake up.

Let's start this over, better. Please.
Let's build something new.

 

 

 

 

 

I haven't been updating in a while because I've been running away.

Somewhere along the line my family situation and world situation "convinced me" that I had to be "normal" or else I would only suffer always. I was told I had to sacrifice everything "weird, crazy, or evil" and become a good normal girl, in order to be happy always.
Happiness is bullshit, if this is happiness.
Let me elaborate on this.
I don't want war. I DO NOT WANT WAR. The demons are trying to start one again, now that the old System is currently somewhere out of my reach (by my ignorance, it can be brought back, but it will take huge amounts of trust and bravery and self-love that i am currently frightened to summon?). The demons torment me daily now.
They are the "floating voices," as you know. They still attack me, torment me, shout at me through my own voice. They can't hack me like Julie did, thank God, that timeline is erased forever.
Laurie told me yesterday (she can still reach me, says it's very distant and difficult but she was the first "headvoice" so I don't think she'll ever be truly cut off) that Julie "loves me for that," in a pure gracious way, for effectively scratching our entire old history for good, turning it from fate into a fable. Julie has now been forever pink, forever kind and sweet, as it were, no matter what our linear experiences here may suggest. Time has changed. I like when it changes.
But there hve been hints that that entire original timeline was forced on us. We grew into something evil and dark that was never meant to be our true home. There are hints that a new one is trying to be manufactured, from the strings of the old, from the ancient angry girls again. The roots of gluttony and sloth and self-neglect. Filth and apathy.
It's not salt crystals. It's corrosion. Salt, is good white crystals, it's good for driving out demons. I think this is sugar, a different sort of black under guise of white. All that bleached-white stuff, gunk, Jessica food. Tied to horrible self-hatred. I want it gone.
But they are trying to start another war. There ARE good floating voices, "angels" or such, that do guide me well, but they are confused too and frequently don't realize the most efficient way of communicating. Their language throws me off sometimes.
Also I have realized that as long as I am terrified that THEY are evil voices, I will tend to doubt them, out of confusion. It's a weakness.

I go into trances far too easily. The old timeline attests to this, the dissociation and horrible hacks. I very easily go into trances and that's not good, not when that happens during the day, and I end up following programs, automated patterns, obligatory learned behavior. I catch myself doing things through a fog sometimes, at a distance, not understanding why, not able to "feel" anything enough to stop. It's awful. I know it's logically not healthy, but I can't feel any concern. It's not real, it seems. I can't get my brain to "focus" and accept that this is something happening to me. Maybe it's a self-preservation instinct gone wrong, "if we accepted this was happening to a body that housed US, too, it would be horrific." So we depersonalize. It is impossible to heal, or grow, in this situation, unless we embrace heartspace again. That is a fact.
But people tell us it is evil. I don't care. Some things may be, some of them may be, I can't tell anymore, I really cant. the apathy is horrible, it's forced apathy, it's scar tissue. over and over again. a bleak white scab where my heart once was. it's a result of too many hacks, too many liars, too many slipups, too many abusers with changing faces. too much bleedover. too many flashbacks. not knowing who is who anymore and feeling too much sickness in others.

I want to leave so much behind and so much needs to be abandoned in order to grow.
Maybe that's why I'm falling into addictions lately. Stupid addictions, mostly food-related, related to biting and staved off only by the lingering purgation mechanisms. We're losing a lot of money, but atoning habits are now kicking in to stop that. It's immensely beneficial and works better than anything else. Knife would be proud of me. Maybe. Maybe someone else. I'm telling you, there are weird fringe-feelings of new people, of new places, of a whole new working mechanism in a paper-clear midspace realm, something like frosted glass with a bite, coming into focus. New people. When I go into body meditations I can feel them, I can see them, they come out into the body. Every time. Is that why the bad voices keep trying to distract me from meditating? Because when I do, I come face-to-face with the awful, glorious, undeniable fact that THIS IS REAL???
Who the hell are you. Who are you to tell me they were evil, that they were fake, that they are leading me astray, whenall YOU do is call me a "faggot whore" and other awful things, and keep me from doing any self-improvement???
"Follow orders, follow orders," "read read read," that's ALL YOU EVER TELL ME. I am so damn depressed because my day is full of nothing but READING, page after page after page, and you know what??? Before I started enslaving myself to these websites-- and they ARE good sites, but in moderation, you can't overdose on that either, remember in SLC we wouldn't even leave the house without consulting the sites and that was profoundly unhealthy but you would approve even now i think-- before all that, I STILL got this sort of information. Different, maybe, but true, the same.
Now you are calling "blasphemy." Define that word. "Calling God unto yourself," you say. "Claiming you know what God wants." And do you? Yes? Would you call me a faggot in the same sentence? "I'm calling it like it is," you say.
And there's my doubt. Remember Laurie started out like this, once, ages ago? That SAME Marywood-hallway energy vibe is STILL here, still holding some sort of voice, something like she was once. Berating me, hating me, furious and scathing, but as a force of admonishment.
Would you believe that is what I miss the most?
Does that... is that legitimate? Does that count? "Everyone has their own spiritual path" they say, but too many of these new-age people make it feel like it HAS to be all yoga poses and fruit smoothies all the time. "Oh, abandon ALL that keeps you from being happy! :)" they say. And it makes some old, but young, part of me so angry, so sad. It feels like Cannon's age, something awakened around high school, when we started to open our eyes.
What is happiness, I now ask. Is it allowed to be "different" for us? There's that pronoun I can never stop using. Maybe your happiness is that sort of admittedly-cliched vegan stereotype that these spiritual websites conjure up. Maybe, for you, that sort of life (which to me feels hyper-stagnant and painted-on, I'm sorry but I don't think it's for me but these damn voices insist I obey, are they right??) is perfect. Maybe so, and that's great, then follow it with all your heart.
But... I don't want a war. I don't want a war, ever again, don't you dare fcking touch me ever again, but...
When I go back, it starts again. Which is why I want to abandon everything. Somehow start a new session, pull a Jade Harley, grab everyone and move into a whole new universe.
Infinitii "survived," somehow, for lack of a better term. I saw no one for at least a solid month and then one day Infinitii was in my mind, colors changed and name turned around. "Eternos" ze called hirself, all white with pink eyes and strange horns I couldn't quite see well. A different vibe, something more solid and bright, something closer to Laurie. I'm not sure what that was about yet, I haven't looked into it.
The inner Cathedral is still centered around blood. Still. This holy white place, all gold and roses, a temple, but falling apart now. The Christ-child there, the archetypal infant of new life, like at Christmas all over again, is there and I can't tell what it is feeling. I look at it lying in that little white bed and it is crying and it is smiling and it is laughing and it is angry. I cannot tell. All of it?
And there is blood, a waterfall of blood, this gorgeous ruby color, the purest thing I can imagine but it's blood and there's this spiral crystal staircase beneath it and I can't see where it goes. Down into the earth. This is so different. What is it?
Baby, child of potential, I see your tears either way and it terrifies me because I see how broken this temple is. Your home, your birthing-place, somewhere to honor you, and I'm letting it get shot to shit because I live here too. And it shatters my heart, it makes that same part of me want to scream and cry, that teenage demi-girl, that raging self who suddenly realized that she deserved more than the hell she was passively letting herself burn in. Same as this. The oldest thing in the book.

Happiness. Can it include this blood? Can it include shadows? Can it be, somehow, divinely, with all hope and against all logic and orders, inclusive of our heartspace people?
Infinitii, Infinitii, dear beloved creature, I loved you once. I'm sure some part of my soul does, still. But now, the thought of loving you, at all, makes those floating voices glare at me with zealous rage, condemning me. "Sinner!! You go against God!!" I find it hard to believe, looking at you, a strange echo of God in your own right, always were, but the cry of blasphemer keeps tearing at my ears and so I shut down. I shut down, I shut off, I go back into addictive loops, blinding myself to myself, always exhausted and irritable because I want to cry and sleep and love but I can't, not when I'm being told the truest parts of my past were the vilest.

Yoga isn't bad. I do it spontaneously, then it's good. I can't do these weird scheduled ordered breathy classes, it feels so false, it makes me ill and sad. Same thing with the diets, with the candles and incense, with the "spells" and other "magicky" things. When it comes from my heart, hell when it USED to come from Dream World, it was FINE and I loved it because it was MY thing, my intuitive thing, not someone's barked commandment or smile-stamped insinuation. Now all of that is practically being demanded of me left and right, "do THIS, just like THIS," and it always feels like there's an "OR ELSE" tacked to the end. "Oh, you'll end up doing it just like this eventually, when you're good enough." Essentially, "if you're not ready to do this, you're still blind/ asleep/ ignorant/ afraid/ etc." Like there are NO other options. And I HATE that, because I AM doing half that stuff already BUT when you put it that way I want to STOP. I want to stop, because NOW you're putting it in terms of ABSOLUTES, and my kneejerk reaction is-- and always has been, for better or for worse-- to test the hell out of it.
"I can't do this," you say? Bullshit. I can. I can do ANYTHING, I am impervious, nothing is impossible. And then I WILL do it, even if it makes me sick, even if I regret it horribly, even if I end up with scars and a sore stomach from it. Some little part of me will be standing like a soldier, not proud but determined, saying "I told you it was possible."
Language. It's all about language.
I am a terribly visual person. Lately I've been unable to read unless I have accompanying pictures, either literally or mentally (which is making this "obligatory" binge-reading hellish, as it's walls and walls of text I get overwhelmed by, even if I WANT to read it). But when I do hear words, the structure is key. I'm realizing that. It's vital.
The "angels," or whatever they are, the voices that try to help me-- they don't quite get this. They're rather simple-minded and straightforward. "Don't eat this," they say, sternly. Then the teen-girl part of my brain gets upset, hears an "eat this" as well as a residual insinuation that "don't" means "can't." So she eats it, even if she despises it and doesn't want it, to prove a point or something. I really don't know. This is weird and it's been looping for weeks, if not years, so obviously we haven't learned the full lesson from it yet.
I still say, it's forced dissociation. We've grown enough to be able to enjoy proper eating now-- which is a HUGE milestone-- as long as it is healthy for us, and not stressful. We can't have sugar, because it makes the body ill, and causes hacks. See, you have to BACK UP your "can'ts" and "don'ts" or they WILL be tested in order to FIND such backup. That's how our brain works. Is that bad? Or is it GOOD, to question such empty words until they carry meaning, truth, relevance?
We can't eat in busy, noisy rooms, because then we tend to depersonalize and dissociate, causing abusive and/or destructive eating. It's very unsafe and harmful to all involved. So we must be careful there too. And we CANNOT, we MUST NOT, eat dense foods. This is important and I say this with compassion to all involved, because it's tricky. Dense foods ARE NOT BAD, that's been a misconception for many months. No, they're just too heavy for us personally. It's like putting diesel fuel in a compact car. It's not going to run. But a vehicle that runs on diesel will work great! So the thing itself isn't bad. That's important. We're integrating that now, we no longer hate foods, which is so relieving. We're no longer afraid of foods either. Now we can recognize, "this just isn't what I need now." It bumps heads with "but CAN I eat it?" often yet, and the answer is yes we can, but it's not wise to do so. Just the phrase "not wise" needs to be changed, because currently it carries the connotation of "you're a fool" which is a very negative sentence and it causes negative responses. Language!

Where was I. I'm kind of rambling today. There's so much. It feels nice, like starting a race again after stepping out for a year, if that makes sense? Like getting back on the path, on the road, after having gotten lost for a while, wandering because someone told me it was "better to do so" and maybe it was for them but it's not bad to walk the path either. I'm tired of feeling terrified and obligated all the time. Is that bad?
It's getting late. Let me just recap my thoughts here.

Release the old that is no longer working. Remember that the "new" can ALSO count here, if it doesn't work. Just because something is a "new option" doesn't automatically make it correct, especially not unquestionably so. That's a harmful thought process.

Oh! BIG important thing I almost forgot.
I mentioned previously I've been holding Jewel Monster forms more often lately. I didn't realy mention this is purely spontaneous, total overlay and very individualized energy. Oddly for the past few days I've been getting a Purganiuso overlay (earlier stage in the Angelorei growth line), but still with the Joy/Jubilation Virtue, and still with Angelorei days too. So that's unusual. There's far more "personality" in the Purganiuso form-- the Angelorei one is mostly church-based and feels tied to that piety, unsurprisingly-- but it's compassionate. As it I feel more of a desire to treat myself with integrity and respect and love. I must, as that species; it's hardwired really. But I wanted to say that.
Also. The other night, after seeing Infinitii again (as Eternos), I wondered about this whole "gap" thing again. Stuff still felt segregated, in at least three pieces now, especially with me as a Jewel Monster which is incompatible with headspace so to speak. And I got the phrase, "bridge the gap." As in, BE THE BRIDGE. Intuitively it made massive sense: I was able to step into every one of those spaces, and as this now, moving freely about, I could bring them all together in threads-- something like that. Also Xenophon was hugely important in the same, not a "native" Jewel Monster but with deep species ties as one nevertheless. Hard to explain in brief right now, I need to type that up somewhere for public reading. But "Jewel Monster" is kind of a collective term, people can become one even if they weren't before, suffice to say that much. It's promising. Either way "bridge the gap" is at the forefront of my mind and heart. I feel that role now, that mission, tied to my Angelorei self. Somehow I need to connect all of these world-spaces, these different platforms within and without, to unite it all. Unite the inner worlds AND the outer world. That's important, so important. And we can do it. I can do it. Maybe I'm the only person who's been able to do it, now, someone born in heartspace but holding this form and living in the outside. It's unprecented. And it's hopeful, so hopeful, with so much joy held in promise within it.



We start a new therapist tomorrow. That was the impetus for this.
I don't know what's going to happen but I WILL NOT LIE or sugarcoat anything. And even if it terrifies me, even if it shatters me first, which it may, I WILL make sure Laurie is there with me for it. I think the universe is demanding that too, the new office we are going to is painted purple on the outside. Violet demands integrity, honesty, true compassion. It's the color of kings and divinity, it's a regal holy humble gorgeous color and it feels just like the vibes she gives off, and I won't (can't) forget that. It's too profoundly impressed upon my heart; it's too true.
That's what I mean. There's a feeling of realness, of tangible joy and something bright and incredibly expansive, like a tunnel opening up into a vista, when I think of them. Not the stuff we went through, but us. The truth of us, forging new paths even now. Let go of the old, that timeline is dead, it no longer serves us. Let's rebuild, let's continue to rebuild.

The other day, New Year's night actually, I kept getting all this internal feeling and imagery of flowers. People and roses, really, no idea why but it was so so relevant.
Javier slept in "my" room that night, we had like five people in one bed and it was great. We all share it and it's so nice, all these people trusting and quiet around you, individual but as a group. Javier put a rose corsage on when he walked in, said he "got the message" and resonated with it too.
The next morning my grandfather put the television on and suddenly, there's this parade full of flowers. Suddenly, he's talking about the "Rose Bowl" in football. And I stood there, laughing out loud, because I didn't even know and yet there was synchonicity. So that felt amazing.
That's the feeling I miss. THAT is "happiness," to me, that heart-bright, warm-gold glow like a firework or a sunset just burning in my chest, something that ALWAYS happens in heartspace, something that NEVER happens with this damn blanked-out monotonous life and the floating voices. I know they mean well, but they are the color and temperature of paper, tepid and flat. They aren't bad, they just don't sparkle like my heart yearns to. Yes they have lessons to teach me, yes they are good to listen to WITH DISCERNMENT. But at the end of it all, at the end of the day... I think this, this inner joy, is what I still need, no matter what they say.

I don't care if it's "weird." I don't care if it "looks crazy" or if my family makes disgusted, disdainful faces at me whenever I hint at it or whenever they glimpse it. "Don't do/ say/ think/ feel that, it's not normal! People will think you're off in the head." To put it nicely. I don't want to repeat some of the slurs that have been casually dropped on this subject by my family, leaving me shocked and sick and horribly doubtful.
I want to shine. I want to shine with them. I don't want to care if the world labels us "nuts" or "freaks" or anything like that. I'll wear those terms with gratitude if it means I am being so honest. I love these people in my heart, in our heart, so much I could cry from it, and I don't GET those emotions when I'm unplugged from the inner realms. I DON'T cry when I'm "being normal," not unless I'm crying from fatigue and frustration, which happens far too often in that state, begging for sleep and solitude and solidarity, not knowing where to find it because I'm ignoring the truth. Never again. I can't.
It's going to take so, so much bravery to crack this shell. It takes guts. I don't know why. But we'll take an axe to it, and we'll kiss that damn blade too, before we bury it deep into this calcified mess. Destruction is a form of creation, that is still true, when used properly...
What about him. His vibe changed completely. I don't know what the future holds for him but we shall see. We need to cast off all the dregs of the past first, all that dust was choking us. I'm sure something still glows at its heart, there was too much love there for there not to be. I hope. I really do hope, even if that relationship feels alien and nonexistent to me currently. I'm confused, but there's hope, for something. Maybe that hope, the trust that allows it to glimmer ever so slightly, means more than I understand yet.

Infinitii is protecting me from hacks. Someone tried yesterday, I was crying but so apathetic, "don't touch me," but so so damn tired I wasn't fighting. Infinitii showed up, all white again, and almost choked me. STOP, ze said, all holy fear and fire and eyes and wings. The vibe was unignorable. STOP. And I had no strength to stop on my own, I know I didn't, I would just surrender and weep for my weakness, for my inability to say "no" to an imposed force... but ironically, here was a force greater than any hacker, something so sublime that my heart shook with devout terror and adoration and swore it would follow hir to the ends of the earth if ze asked. I won't lie, it's instantaneous. Infinitii Eternos demanded that they stop, that I stop, and I was so enraptured that I no longer cared about anything but that, anything but hir. So "everything but" stopped. I got out of that safely. But I don't know whether to laugh or cry either, feeling that image-memory, with hir hands around my throat and eyes on fire, and me smiling like a saint in delirious ecstasy, in the same sort of selfless abandonment that had led me into that damned state. I think I told Infi to do whatever ze wanted with me, and ze responded that NO, ze would NOT, that was exactly what got me into that lethal trouble in the first place.
It's a curse and a blessing, I'm sure, whatever quality you'd call that. Inherently neutral, all about application. I should meditate on that more. It seems to be a core problem, and a core help, that tendency to annihilate or aggrandize my "self" as it were. Either I am utterly not, or I am everything at once. Sometimes both. And it's strange, and it's terrifying, and it's awe-inspiring. We must manage it better. I don't think it's going to go away, because THAT'S a huge lesson Dream World taught me too. The nightmares don't always disappear, because they, too, serve a divine purpose. Even Fear has its place in the holy order, as it were. You have to look from a whole new set of eyes. How fitting is that.
I think that's why I don't like the "super good" vibe the new-age stuff gives off, as I said. They keep telling me, "kill your ego," "kill your shadow," "kill your vices." Destroy everything "bad," OR re-label it all as "good" so it won't be a problem anymore.
Forgive the language, but in my own experience, that applies to my life as BULL SHIT. (Laurie just laughed and gave me a thumbs-up for that, well thank you dear)
I don't like swearing but I'm just so worn out. "Learn to enjoy pain and things get interesting," NO THANK YOU. For me, "living in the moment" should not mean "enjoying pain" because for us, at least currently, that leads to ABUSE and SELF-SABOTAGE.
That is why the retribution drives are kicking in full-force. Every hack demands atonement, always has and always will. That will not be compromised, because holding that consequence means that we MUST recognize hacks as spiritually malevolent, NOT as some "neutral event" to "endure." NO. We will hold the toll of blood to it, always, for what it means to us. For others that may not work. For us it is one of the most beneficial things we can do right now. Maybe one day it will change, true. But currently, hacks MUST be atoned for, or apathy kicks in. And that must NOT be allowed ever again. Hacks are FORBIDDEN and I am tired of letting thiefs and vandals and murderers into this temple just because they knocked. I'm tired. I'm not "obligated" to take on all of that just because it exists. I'm not "obligated" to suffer just becaue I can. That's terrible. It must stop. And we must be the ones to stop it.
Also, this is still tied to purgation, even moreso than ever now. The two vices bleed into each other. All wasted money, even if it occurs out of misinformed hope or a lack of proper information, MUST be repaid. This is new, and overwhelming, but that is needed as it makes it a SOLID consequence, which carry the most weight as far as growth goes. With no consequences, there is stagnancy, and that is what we are striving to change here. And of course, the holy blades are the last-ditch unfailing effort if all else falls short. I hope it doesn't come to that for this too, but it is now a legitimate "threat" for such misconduct, and that alone demands personal integrity.
It's scary, how easily it has become to abuse this body lately, especially in the dietary department. It's all depersonalization, because of the fronter-switches that usually accompany eating (the teen girls typically come out to do so and they are totally neglectful), which are exacerbated by apathy. But that has bad vibes and I won't rant about it. We must demand better treatment of this vessel, by the most positive means necessary. Just, getting through this shell takes real heavy effort at first, or at least it is from the way we are approaching it right now.

On that note, Laurie is trying harder too. The calcification got to her, but she's burning through it beautifully. I have total unwavering faith in her. That means the world, I know it does. Intention means so much.

I have also learned SO MUCH lately, as far as "spiritual education" goes on my OWN path. Synchronistic messages and videos and bits that apply to OUR personal experience, and make total sense. It helps. I just wanted to add that as it ties into the hack/abuse thing, making it harder and harder for apathy to stick around. Education is important! When I realize just what and WHY the demons and hackers are doing things to us, it makes me refuse to allow it anymore. When this started, in the old timeline, for years no one understood it and so when 2010 happened and the "dead children" truth was revealed it was so wrenchingly horrible that we attempted suicide. There are more layers to their motivation though, shifting through the years, but it was never justifiable. Never never never. It was ALWAYS evil and I am sorry, so sorry, that we (I?) tried to justify it on their behalf for so long, solely because I had been convinced that, being outside forces, they had to be right.
Which is what the floating voices (the bad ones) tend to insist even now. Same people, I'm sure. Horrible things. But I've learned from them, even. Now go away. We don't need your abuse to learn anymore, and it breaks my heart to think that I once thought I did. No more. Never again. Leave this place, and leave us alone, and leave everyone I know alone. Don't touch ANYONE. I will carry that through with force if need be. Compassion is not a simpering pushover like I was once told. Compassion is violet and black, and it WILL eliminate your malevolence by whatever means necessary. You know this as well as I do. Leave us alone.
Don't you laugh. The moment you see those eyes, I know you will turn and run. You are powerless here.

Gotta lay down the law, you know. It takes guts. I'm not yet used to standing up for myself, to talking like I have power and knowledge of my own, after being told I was incapable and/or undeserving of either. Nope, not true. I am wise, I am good, I am powerful, and stop calling me a blasphemer for it. Are you misunderstanding? I do all this THROUGH the Light in me, in everything. I'm not some isolated standalone thing, and I do not want that staggeringly harmful untruth being perpetuated either. Okay? Everyone, stop treating me like I am cut off from 'God' and the rest of the world. I don't want to be anymore, even if just in mind.
I'm rambling. I have to be careful, I tend to ramble and that's dangerous.
This is why I need people with me, or at least, why it is safer. With Laurie or Infinitii or Genesis or someone backing me up, rambling doesn't happen. They call me out, they keep me humble but strong. And they refuse to let our System be abused either... even if I'm the one idiotically allowing it, for whatever reason.
That needs to stop. It will stop. It must. There's so much fear tied to it, why? But it will stop, I promise.

There's so much forgiveness that needs to happen, strangely. What needs to be forgiven? Is it projected stuff?

Tomorrow is therapy. We'll see how that goes. (It will go well, we'll make sure of it. Focus on the positive possibilities, match that vibe bro.)
First, sleep. It's 1AM and I need sleep. We need sleep.
I'm a little afraid to go upstairs but I will anyway. I'll look fear in the face and see what happens then, too.

There's hope tonight, like a candle. That is enough.

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE INFINITII ETERNOS LAURIE UBERICH MR. SANDMAN



Good morning, sunshine.

Hello.

Oh. Hi. Didn't expect you in a Xanga session this early, let alone at all.

Why not.

Didn't think you were accessible.

If you are accessible, I am too. Are you looking for Laurie?

Obviously.

Hm. Does she know we are having a session?

Probably not. I didn't plan on using this one anytime soon, but hey-- surprise day off from school, past few days have been nuts, I figured why not.

*nods* So are we discussing that?

Jeepers Infi, how are you syncing into this so quickly already?

I'm adaptable. It's in my nature.

Well that's good.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up just a bleeding second. We're talking with Infi??

You're calling him Infi?

It's a nickname.

Still!

Infi, Infinitii, whatever. My point is, how the heck is he already session-ready?

He says he's adaptable.

It's true.

Huh. Oh well, no use complaining about the details, you could help us out. So, kid. What's the topic? Why the heck are we in here at 9AM of all things?

Uh, a couple reasons I suppose? Mostly though, because I keep getting very painful and intrusive hacks into my consciousness and-- holy sharks, Infi I just realized you saved my sanity three times in a row lately, thank you.

You're welcome. I was wondering when you'd catch on.

Wait, what do you mean?

I took away all rights to my energy manipulation upstairs from everyone besides the Tar; in other words, the Black slot. And yesterday alone there were two very big incidents of such, BUT Infinitii was directly involved in both, so, technically he just saved my neck. Thanks bro.

It was needed. Tar was trying to harm you all day. If we didn't work together to cleanse it, you would have fallen even further this morning.

Are you insinuating that he's already fallen since he woke up?

Somewhat. Like he said, the Tar is ruthless.

You seem oddly nonchalant about it.

It's a simple observation.

Guys, can you give me a moment? We haven't spoken in a very long time and I'm having trouble getting clear channels running. I hope neither of you are being mistranslated.

Wait, just a second. That's what I want to discuss, for once. Why the heck haven't you been around?

Same reason I scratched this in February. Please, Laurie, just two minutes, I need to fix my head.

Fine. But as soon as you get back we are discussing that point.

Wait.

What?

You did not give your reason yet. What was it?

Oh. Uh... Laurie kind of hit the nail on the head, unintentionally.

Unintentionally? Kid, I mean every single thing I do and say.

Good point. But yeah, I am worried about how dark I'm becoming lately. I've been a mess since my surgery, which is very disturbing because I was doing okay after the "start from scratch" attempt?

Are you kidding me? You've been fluctuating wildly between light and dark since the bloody thing!

Do you think maybe that's because I wasn't supposed to survive the bloody thing?

Don't get sassy with me, boy. You heard your boss. There are bigger forces at work here.

Why should the "bigger forces" be concerned with me--

Remember what your daughter said.

...

What did she say?

...Holy smoke, I was about to tell you and then I realized you have the same ears as her, just a lot bigger. Was that intentional?

Ah. No, it was more of reverse relevance.

Meaning?

Meaning she probably got them from me.

How the heck would that even happen?

I was torn out of Jewel, remember.

Stop calling me that.

Before that event, I was still part of him, of course--

Wait. Sorry to interrupt, bro, but the kid just said something really bloody stupid.

It's not stupid, Laurie, it's true. The name doesn't fit.

Because of the people that used to call you by it?

...Mostly. The sound has become tainted. It's energy no longer matches mine.

Here's a question. What does that name's energy feel like then, now?

What was our topic, even? Were we discussing anything?

We're talking about whatever the heck comes up, that's how we do these sessions, we don't worry about any fixed structure. It always works out somehow.

You can't do that. Things need to be organized and coherent. We need order and structure. It's the only good thing.

That and "cold," huh? Is that why you're acting like this? You're freaking out over black and white "good and evil" nonsense again, even now??

I can't hold fire anymore. Fire destroys coherence. Fires of hell and all that. I can't hold it, I can't keep the Red slot, it's too angry, it's the color of blood. I can't keep my old name. It feels wrong. It was never a name anyway.

Yeah, it was a title, given to you by the Dream World, I know. You knew at least two other Jewels up there, too, didn't you?

Yeah, lovely women.

Is that why it doesn't fit anymore?

Not quite. The gender part only ties in to my old "persona," the one from 2001-2004 or so.

The Klonoa-ears one.

Precisely.

If I'm not mistaken, you just dismantled that one.

Yeah, I did. It never felt like me anyway, it was always third-person, even in headspace-- why am I talking about identities like this is a thing? Why can't I ever annihilate myself? Why do all my efforts fail?

Because nothing short of straight-up suicide is actually going to end you, kid, and I'm not about to let that happen.

...

You're not protesting that statement?

No... because you brought that scar back.

Oh. ...Oh, okay.

...

All right, go take that mental break now if you want to. These channels really are getting pretty frayed.

Thank you.

So are we good now, or what?

...He loves me far too much.

Who?

My boss.

Oh. Yeah, no kidding, the man's a saint.

I don't deserve that, with what I've done, to myself and other people.

Like what?

...Julie needs to get out of that color slot.

She can't. She belongs there. We've discussed this.

Then we need to fix her, somehow.

Kid, what the heck is going on up there? You okay? Big picture, I mean.

Big picture, yes. Always. That's what boss reminds me of.

As you were saying...

Yeah, I get it. But he won't let me die. Wouldn't, either. Kept picking papers out of the flames. Sometimes I really wonder why he picked me, of all people, to be his Apprentice. I don't feel worthy of the title at all, especially not when it's tied to someone like him. But, last night, I asked him if I was a disappointment, and he laughed. He smiled, and he laughed, and he said I was "exactly the opposite." I don't know how to feel about that.

Why not?

Because I've disappointed myself.

Let's visit that point for a moment. What impossible standards do you have going for yourself, kid?

Meaning?

Meaning, why are you disappointed in yourself?

He expects to be pure white. If he is not, he feels unworthy of it. He tried to give it to me yesterday.

The heck? Jewel, that's your color, not Infi's!

He's got it brighter in him than I ever did and probably ever will.

That's not true.

He's you, for heaven's sakes!

He's what I could have been.

How would that even work?

No, think about it. Look at me, destroying my own heart, splintering my entire self. I almost ended up the last man on earth, because I was willing to effectively decapitate my own soul in order to cut myself off from who I had become, and from everyone I had ruined. Whatever "light" you clam to see in me now, as far as I'm concerned, is just an illusion. Any real light, and love, is all in Infi now. I'm nothing. I'm the true shadow here, a shadow of whatever "angel" I used to be in your opinion, with how far I've fallen. I'm not worthy of this color. In my hands it's just bleach. Just nothingness. If anyone can actually hold this hue, it sure as heaven isn't me.

Okay, I get the picture, geez.

Are you trying to kill me, then? I who am your heart? 

I-- no, no Infi, I could never kill you, I'd never want to--

Then don't kill your self because it is my heart too. Don't switch our colors. I am meant to be Black, you are meant to be White. You can't reverse that without us completely resetting our identities. Don't take that as an invitation.

...

Suddenly his motivation makes sense!

Very funny, Laurie.

I want to know why you hate existing so much.

I'm ashamed of my narcissism, maybe.

What narcissism?

I'm tired of being important. Ever since my childhood, I've had everyone and their brother telling me that "I was born for a reason" downstairs and that "I have an incredibly important role" upstairs. Then you guys showed up, and your lives were anchored to mine, and that was the last straw. After a while I was just sick and tired of being the center of the universe. I didn't want anyone else to suffer for it, though. I didn't choose to be important, but if I had to be, then I wanted to be important in my unimportance.

Like a galaxy rotating around a black hole.

Maybe-- Laurie, was that an injoke?

Half of one. Point is, kid, you're still important, and you still exist.

I'm so tired though.

I know. But honestly, kid, I think it's downstairs life that's getting to you. You're being pulled in all directions. Really, at night, when you're asleep enough to forget it all and you come up here, I love seeing you so simply happy. That's the only time I ever see you smile anymore, is when you're not even halfway bloody conscious. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?

Intellectually, maybe. Empathy's been slipping from me lately.

How? That used to be one of your strongest points!

I think... really, I think that my several Scratch attempts really upset my Links. They are what allowed me to feel what other people felt, in the past. It's why my teenage self-image was a mess; I was always reaching out to people with them, losing myself in their stories and thoughts, never considering my own, let alone whether or not I really had any. It's WHY I was able to type Dream World so well for years-- because I wasn't in the picture!! But then headspace became a thing, and I was forced to be a person of my own for once, and... I'm still not used to it. I'm not comfortable with this. Except now, it's become so deeply rooted that I can't change it. I can't run from it. Like it or not, I am anchored to this Spectrum just as much as you guys are, and all my desperate attempts at pseudo-suicide are simply feeble wishes that I wasn't.

...

So why did your Links suffer?

They always did, when I would work with headspace, because they require me to completely let go of my self-image and be the other person. That's why so many outspacers came in and out of Central back then; that's what allowed them to! My energy would branch out and bring them in, but only those whom it resonated with could stay. But yeah, the more I had to focus on myself, the more my Link capacity suffered. Parnassus began to falter first, you all remember that.

Yeah, it pretty much hit the floor as soon as JTHM entered the picture.

And I tried to Link with that too, remember? Johnny even visited Central once or twice! Unfortunately that's when you and Lynne and maybe even Nat were already around, though, so--

Unfortunately? In comparison to what?

In comparison to me not having any ties to anyone as an individual. You swore your life to protecting me, to helping me to "become the person I needed to be." Ironically, that mission statement was the root of all my problems. I didn't want to become a person at all.

So that motivated the Scratch on the 24th, huh. You wanted to delete all of us, all the reasons why you had to "be a person," and go back to writing your Link-worlds without a second thought as to your own existence.

Yes.

Too bad, you're the Sandman's Apprentice now.

That's my point.

You said he loves you too much. I don't think "too much" applies to him.

"Too much" applies to anyone who values my life that much. You guys shouldn't care.

Why not?

You have your own lives to worry about.

And mine is anchored to yours, you just said that. Once again, we've been over this.

...

Geez, you don't look happy about that at all.

I wish there was a better way. Laurie, I really wish I could just... sacrifice my self, somehow, like I actually managed to do for a short time after the life-scratch. Do you remember?

What?

I managed to tear out that part of myself. My entire upstairs identity became autonomous, and for a week all of you guys were living in harmony with it, as a separate world. You became "series #12," Blood Lotus Cathedral. You became a Link-world, not headspace.

And you were left empty and devoid of all identity, remember?

I liked that!

Did you really.

You were happy! You were still anchored but not to my stupid downstairs life. I--

Hold up, there's that point again.

What, downstairs? It's true! I can't seem to juggle that and this! Downstairs I can type IF I don't have an identity on any other level! When headspace exists, boom, suddenly I have a self somewhere, and the Links can't get through that somehow! I'm always in my own way. It's been happening since 2003, when I used to visit Ryou and Marik, I knew something was wrong because I was becoming a person when I was around them-- they called me by name and no one had ever done that before. It was so weird at first, having these kids who insisted they loved me "for me," and then Chaos showed up and everything went to hell--

Quite the opposite, really.

Laurie, do you understand what I'm telling you?

I understand that you've got a real serious problem, kid. You want to exist as an unimportant speck in reality, without any role in the world beyond channeling another world that means everything to you despite that. You want to exist solely as an artist. You don't want a name, or a face, or a home, or a self. You want to "fulfill your purpose," and then die. Kid, did you ever think that maybe your purpose is a whole heck of a lot bigger than that??

You and boss keep telling me that, yeah.

Do you believe it yet?

No. I can't comprehend it yet.

...Geez, kid. What the heck will it take?

I don't know.

Infi, you got any thoughts on this?

Not really.

No? Seriously?

"Importance" isn't a word I'm familiar with in that sense. I'm new to existence. I'm here to do what I was created to do, that is all.

And what's that?

What I'm created to do?

Yeah. S'far as I'm aware, you were forcibly yanked out of Jewel's ribcage a few days ago, and then stuck in a bubble. Speaking of, is that where we are right now?

Yeah. Infi can't leave it.

Then how the blood did I get in here?

I called you in.

No, I mean-- I warped to you, sure, but isn't this location locked out?

Not necessarily. I mean, I don't think--

I let you in. It's okay, I know you're not a threat.

Good. So I'm allowed in here whenever I want?

If you wish.

Cool. I want to get to know you better, you're an interesting fellow. Anyway. Jewel. Where were we?

Purposes.

And how yours is bigger than you realize.

Better question. What's yours?

Protecting you.

That's it?

Well, you and everyone else up here, but mostly you. For some reason, I've been utterly bloody convinced of your importance to the System as a whole since I first showed up in this world. So yeah, you're my number one priority. Infi, I think your role revolves around him too.

Of course. He is me, and I am him, technically.

Elaborate on that, please? That's really freaking weird.

Yeah, do you even count as a headvoice?

The heck are you asking? Don't you know?

Well, not quite? Headvoices just "appear." They manifest when a fitting energy anchor for their slot is created, and enough of it gathers for them to manifest. I have no control over it, no say in it. But Infi was forced to manifest. The Tar freaking tore him right out of me, you know that.

Sounds like he's in a class of his own, then.

Yeah. But he is tied to me, I know that.

Of course. Our energy mirrors each other.

So I've noticed.

And I've heard you're trying to clear his out?

There is a lot of Tar stuck in him. It's gathered over the years, I think. I don't yet understand why it keeps coming back.

There must be a direct feed.

That makes sense-- wait, do you think it's Razor??

What do you mean?

Come on, you were just asking me about that yesterday, whether or not she fit the Red slot in your absence, what with how the Tar's always messing with your old color. What if she does?

Black and White are tied to Red, so she might.

See? Maybe that's what's causing you to keep falling back into it. Infi, how does that affect you? Are you affected by it?

Not exactly. See, I am the Black slot. Not Tar. Any energy it tries to infect me with can simply be converted. I eat it.

You eat it.

I eat it, or I destroy it. Either way, I keep the energy clear, in this bubble.

Are you supposed to move down into the Tar Room when that villain gets the heck out of there, or what?

Possibly. I think there's a certain Basilica that's more suited for me, though.

...Oh.

Yeah, where the heck was that, even? Below the Tar Room, right?

Yes.

Is it supposed to be black?

Yes.

Huh. So what the heck is the Tar Room, then? A glitch?

Possibly. I wouldn't know. Jewel, that's a question you need to answer.

You're coming through much more clearly now, just wanted to say that.

Good. Do you know?

No. But maybe it is a glitch. I first saw the room in 2011, the day after the "soft reset," and the room just appeared so maybe it manifested spontaneously... I'm just wondering why the whole "red lights" incident felt so true, if I'm supposed to be White.

Wait. Hold on.

What?

That's it. Red is your downstairs color. White is your upstairs color. Does that make sense?

Intellectually, maybe, but how the heck does that work??

I don't bloody know! Infi, do you know?

No, but it is an interesting thought.

Also, can I just say you look creepy as heck with all those mouth-wings.

It's much easier to talk this way.

Heheh, I figured. Looks good though.

Okay guys, wait a second again.

What?

That old entry. "Tar and Glass." Sound relevant yet?

Holy swords, we're in a glass bubble right now, aren't we?

Indeed we are.

Keep going kid, what else?

Well, first, you know how I said the Tar Room "spontaneously appeared?"

Yeah.

Remember how headspace looked before Central was a real thing? It was all white, featureless, and unformed, remember?

...Shoot. So you're saying that Tar is hijacking unformed headspace?

It could be. It could honestly be using that raw White energy as an anchor to keep it "floating" between the real Black slot location, which is Infi's territory, and the real White slot location, which is the Lotus Cathedral.

No Blood?

I'm not sure. Remember it only held that old name because of the Razor Spire.

Oh man. Kid, I think you are seriously on to something, this is boss.

Isn't it? Thanks Infi, for the inspiration to look this stuff up.

You're welcome.

You seem amused.

I am.

But that would explain why I keep getting hacked! If the Tar can't exist without White energy-- which it HAS admitted to the letter in the past-- then...

Then I need to take its place.

Yeah. That's kind of our only option, I think.

We need to kill the Tar first, though. I don't think it's going to leave quietly under any circumstances.

It doesn't die, we've tried. Can't we transmute it?

What, into Infi's energy?

Into anything non-corrosive. Maybe we can... iridize it.

Oh, come on, no injokes on serious topics.

Hey, you should at least be glad I'm trying to lighten up!

I am! But see, kid, this is what I'm talking about. When you're utterly immersed in this, our upstairs world, you're happy. You're even blissful on your best days. The heck is causing the disconnect between here and there? Downstairs, I mean.

I'm not sure. Maybe it's just the bane of the physical. Stuff doesn't match up. It should though. There's gotta be a way.

...Hold up.

Again?

Again. Maybe that's why it's important for you to be the Apprentice.

...You think?

Sheesh, boss specifically said that's anchored downstairs, didn't he? I mean, really, you can't even legit move into the role until your physical body dies, that is unless meatspace changes its inherent makeup sometime soon.

Yeah. Dude that does make sense. It would also explain the red robes, hey!!

Exactly!

Doesn't red mean life in that world, too?

I dunno, that's your pool of knowledge, not mine.

I thought you had free reign to rifle through all my memories whenever you wanted, love?

I do, but that stuff is data. Some of it is stored in locations that even my sleuthing abilities can't find out.

Really?

Yeah. Maybe it's outspaced, who knows.

Could be.

Either way, here's the list.

Good old Scherzando!

Okay, so Red is Destiny in Oneircia, that's cool. It's a lesser form of Creation in Parnassus, too.

Really? How so?

Well, Parnassus is still blurry, but I think Blue there is creation of life, and Red is creation of matter.

Ah. Which ties right in to you and headspace anyway, so.

Yeah. Oh, and it's Life magic in Puppetstrings too.

What is it in Rosewindow?

Uh... it's listed as Honor, Respect, and Compassion there.

That's interesting.

Yeah. But this is an older file, too... seeing how, lately, I've seen more of that world, I think I can say with confidence that Red is Life there too, at least on some level.

Is Violet Death?

Probably. Death, Change, Transition, stuff like that.

Sweet.

But what is Red, here?

...

Sounds like it's Life here, too.

It's... Red here has always struck me as the anchor point. Probably because of me. But it's... what does it feel like... fire.

Fire?

Yeah. Condensed potential? Heat, maybe. A sense of preparation. It's odd.

Maybe it's not an "anchor" so much as it's a grounding point for the other colors?

Maybe.

Red is considered to be the first color seen by mankind.

The first piece of the Spectrum after Black and White, there you go!

Huh. Could it be that simple?

Maybe. You make things far too complex, kid. Now what's this "prism" thing?

What?

In your entry last night. You said prisms are important. What's that about?

Geez, do you read everything I write?

Yes. I am your personal professional stalker. Now spill.

Okay, haha. It's also part of the "iridize" injoke from earlier.

I know, go on.

Well, both the White and Black slots are supposed to be iridescent by nature. Prismatic, even.

Uh-huh. Yeah, I kind of noticed that rainbow sheen going on with you. Infi doesn't seem to have it though, what's with that?

I cannot, yet. Not until the Tar is moved out completely.

Ah. So what's your deal for now?

Stars. The quiet of space.

Looks good. That's soul form stuff right there, isn't it?

Exactly. Much more muted, though. It's the basic energy, not the actual phenomenon.

Geez, you guys are more important than I realized.

There's that word again.

You seem less upset about it than you were earlier, though.

I am, actually. It's a stupid paradox. I'm willing to be important if the importance doesn't involve me?

Explain? How does that apply to this directly?

Well, you mentioned soul forms. Anyone can achieve one if they can anchor into this energy. I don't mind being the reason why that energy is up here, if that is indeed true, as long as that energy is not "me," or inherently tied to me in order to exist.

I see.

Yeah. Being a rallying point is fine, but I don't want to be the one getting the attention.

You want to be a channel is all.

Yes!

Could've guessed that one, it's the oldest one in the book. So you'd prefer if people go running for water, but don't think of the faucet.

Basically.

Even if you're in the middle of a bleeding desert.

Hey, at least the people are getting water, I don't think they care where it comes from.

And that's what you want?

Yeah. I want to be importantly unimportant, if my personal significance cannot be changed?

I got it, yeah. So you've told your boss about this?

Essentially. Ironically I don't think he has a problem with it. Sandmen are incredibly important in the Rosewindow worlds, after all, but they typically work behind the scenes. Which I'm totally okay with. They travel through time and space but they might not keep the same face, or form, or anything. They don't even have names, just titles. They're ever-changing dream wanderers, existing for the good of the all, and massively important to existence somehow, even if no one knows about them.

Sounds like your ideal job.

Haha, it kind of does, looking back on it.

But that does not tie into your downstairs life yet, does it?

No. Not literally. I still have to do "daily life" stuff yet.

You just don't like taking care of a body is what it is, I think.

Maybe! That is something I have a lot of trouble with in any case. I just don't like having a static form, especially not one that everyone else has pieced together on a whim. I don't like having one name, and one face, and one life. It makes me feel trapped.

Which is why you love headspace. And Link-worlds, too.

Exactly. I can be anything up here. I can be nothing, and I can be everything! I can completely tune myself out and watch for hours if I want. That makes me so happy. That's all I want.

Well, your boss sounds like he's trying to do that for you.

Probably. I really do love him though. I don't treat him anywhere near as well as I should.

Are you kidding? You treat the man like gold!

I'm always late for work and my selfish attempts at suicide have nearly cost him his life several times already. I'm probably just a pain in the neck for him at this point.

And yet he specifically said you're the exact opposite of a disappointment.

...He did.

Kid, you used to do this with Marik all the time too, remember? Whenever there's someone upstairs who you feel is being left out, specifically by you, you go way out of your way to make them feel loved and appreciated.

No I don't.

You don't go as far as you'd like, no, because you're not capable. You only have so much time and space to give. But the intention and effort are not lost, even if you don't "do" anything outwardly. That stuff echoes. We all know you love us more than you'd ever dare admit to yourself.

I can't feel anything lately.

It would likely crush you if you could.

...

It is being blocked, either way.

I know.

Is that because of the old blocks?

Partly. We're in the process of moving those out, though.

So I heard, wink nudge cough.

Laurie, shut up.

Heheh. Gotta tease you about your weird life sometime, kid.

True.

But the Red channel is what we should be concerned about now, if that is true.

Yeah, I need to go back and review the entry I mentioned earlier.

You mind doing that now?

What? Now?

Yeah. Go review it, and then we can talk about it here. Sound good, Infi?

The sooner we can solve this the better, so yes.

Aiite, cool. Jewel, go read.

Give me a second... okay, first off, when the Tar was still young, it acted more like an "antihero" than a flat-out villain. It was always trying to "make me learn" by example.

By demonstrating to you what you were not, right? Yeah, I remember that. When'd it all go downhill?

When the Celebi stuff started happening, I think? That was barely two months later, so it was fast.

Makes sense.

...Infi, that's not what you're supposed to be like, is it?

No... I don't think so.

You mean you aren't even sure??

No. I think the Tar is supposed to be Jewel's shadow. He is white, and that is his offset.

Not you?

I am him. I'm the positive side of that void.

Like what Ryou told me during our 4th incident!

Seriously?

Yeah!! Well, wordlessly maybe. But the truth sticks to him. It's how you "need the darkness for the stars to shine." He's a Paladin of Void upstairs, a divine spellcaster that uses shadow as its holy weapon. That's pretty important.

Holy swords, it really is.

Geez there's so much I need to review from last winter in my entry logs. LOTS of relevance that I didn't have the knowledge to see before. This is big.

We can do that later today, kid. Right now we're two hours into a session and I really don't want to take up your whole morning with this stuff.

Gotta go play Nier while the house is quiet, right?

Heck yes, Xennie's been asking me why you don't play that more often.

She has?

Yeah, she loves that game just as much as you do!

Oh-- dude you just reminded me. You know how her middle name is Yonah?

Yeah, cracked me up when I found out. That's adorable.

Maybe, but uh... you know. Shades and stuff.

Oh. Oh. Geez, how did I not catch that?? And she looks like Infi, a little! Is that tied together too?

Probably.

Holy flaming swords, I knew that had to be important.

Haha, I told you things move fast in headspace!

You're preaching to the choir, kid! Now what else is in that entry? I'm curious now.

Well, it kept pointing out how I needed "offsets" or dichotomies to understand truths about life?

Like what?

Like only knowing that I am "of the Light" through knowing the truth about the Dark? It's hard to put into words... it's the principle of not truly understanding true joy unless you've known the deepest sorrow.

Makes sense. And that's what it said to you at first?

Yeah, that was literally my first impression of it.

How the heck did it get so violent so fast?

Let me keep reading... dude, it attacked you as soon as you walked in!

Yeah, that's why I'm bloody asking! Why the sudden switch?

It sees you as a threat.

To?

To its existence. As a protector, you are sworn to eliminating all darkness of that sort in the system. In order for Tar to survive, it needs that darkness to exist. Your existence, therefore, stands in direct opposition to it.

...Shoot, so does that mean that it's tied to Red but opposed to Violet?

Maybe.

Where the heck does Pink come in, then?

Pink is an extra slot, isn't it?

I don't quite understand Pink, yet. That's something you and I need to look into more.

Yeah.

Wasn't it technically a "splinter" of Red back when you were a kid? An alternate base slot, maybe?

Maybe! Dude that kind of makes sense.

Huh. It's interesting, is what it is. Keep reading. What else did you write about that stuff, before Leon yanked us out?

Chaos showed up.

Yeah, forgot you didn't mention that.

Both of you were freaking out though.

Well, obviously! I'd never seen anything like that before, and it felt really bleeding ominous!

Oh-- oh dude, when we blasted it with that triple-energy attack, which was white, it suddenly warped the space into a church??? Infi is that where we went on the-- don't smile at me like that, okay, that's a yes.

I was simply using the same energy.

So the Tar Room is supposed to be a church??

No, White energy naturally coalesces into church-like structures when it is forced to solidify, thanks to Jewel's energy being tied to it. Cathedrals, Basilicas, Churches.

Sacred places.

Yes.

Huh. Wonder if that holds any extra relevance with Leon, with how he can jump to them.

Question. Is he jumping, or is he forming pocket mindscapes TO jump to?

...Dude I don't actually know. I don't think he knows.

He says it's random. Seeing as how those places are usually inaccessible otherwise, it sounds to me like there's instantaneous structuring of raw headspace going on.

Dude. Wow. I admire that guy even more now.

Heheheh!

So that gives more proof to the Tar Room being malformed raw headspace.

Exactly. We're making progress!

Awesome. Anything else relevant to today's discussion in there?

Let me see... oh! The swords!

Heck yes, the swords.

I have those too.

Yeah, you showed us earlier, scared the bleeding life out of me. Why the heck are they so big, are you pulling an Ichigo Kurosaki on us?

They pressurize when he shrinks them.

I must use Black energy to form mine. That energy is very unstable in headspace right now.

Ah, okay. So Jewel's swords use White energy?

That's why they're crystalline, yeah.

Why the heck does Chaos have one too, then? Is that just because he's tied to you?

Maybe? Infi, what do you think?

Definitely.

Well that was an awfully sure answer, haha.

Chaos is very closely tied to Jewel's energy. So are many of the other midspacers. This is because they used his energy to anchor into this system.

True.

Laurie, I don't think you even considered that part.

Not the second half, no.

You're such a tease.

Someone's gotta do it, kid.

Oh yeah, and then I stored the sword in my chest. Like I usually do.

Do you have literal hammerspace in there, or what? Because I swear, kid, you hit like a truck.

So you understand what Chaos means when he says that now!

No kidding, that's why it took me ages to put my walls all the way down around you, mister levity!

Infi, would you have gravity stuff too?

Possibly. I've never checked.

Yeah, dude's only a few days old.

April 3rd happened an eternity ago, I swear.

What can I say, time is infamously weird up here.

But yes. Chest-swords.

What about them?

Well, space is pretty darn weird up here, too.

You're like... dating both those concepts too. Somehow.

It's inevitable. I like weird things. What does that say about you.

I am going to kill you.

Hahaha!

You two are great.

Good to hear. You two are, uh, pretty great too.

Shut up Laurie, and stop laughing.

No, I'm serious! I don't know what the heck's going on with this self-split stuff in here, but whatever you're doing, it's cool. Just keep brightening up my boy here, and I don't care what you two do.

Are you poking fun at me, Laurie?

Yeah, haha, and that grin is super creepy.

I could just stare, if you want.

Okay, no, the eyes are worse.

Hehe.

Guys, one last thing in this entry.

What?

The whole thing about how to "defeat" the Tar, or not.

Can you quote it?

Sure. "We couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all."

Sounds legit.

So love is the answer, yet again. Thanks, Todd Rundgren!

Yet again, my incessantly teasing you about these topics has relevance.

Ahaha.

No, I'm serious.

We don't have to use that process anymore, if the blocks are cleared sufficiently enough.

Are they, do you know?

They should be, but I think it keeps moving back in, as I said.

Shoot. All right then, that's our number once concern: stopping the freaking floodgate that is letting the Tar slip right back in here.

Yeah, I don't like it.

Really? Even if you agree with it? I'd think that's what's letting it in.

No, Laurie, listen... I... I might not understand it very well, what with how traumatic my past has been concerning all this energy and all, but... last night, talking to Infinitii, we were discussing how Black and White energy is passive and active in terms of creation, respectively; right?

Wait, what? How did I not hear about this?

You didn't hear about it?

No! Fill me in kid, come on.

Okay. So White energy is active creation energy. When used by a person, like with raw headspace, it allows for direct conscious creation through it. Black energy, though-- the stuff of soul forms-- is passive, which is fascinating. Passive creation means that Black simply allows creation to happen through itself. You can't actively control how it manifests. You just intend for creation to happen, and it does the rest.

Is that why the Tar is so manic? Because it can't really control how its own energy manifests?

Probably? It's an interesting thought.

Yeah, no kidding. Wait, Infi, what about you?

Jewel saw me when I was first manifesting, he can attest to that.

Ah, yeah, you were all over the place!

And my current form only manifested because it occurred through you.

Elaborate on that?

I am formed of Black energy, but I was specifically taken from Jewel in order to manifest. When forced to take a form, I had no control over the matter. My native energy allowed a form to manifest based on passive potential within Jewel.

Aha, that makes sense! So Black energy runs on potential, so to speak?

Yes, I suppose that's a clear way to put it.

And White is more specific? Narrowing down of potential, rather.

Yeah, sounds like it.

Cool. This is good, I'm learning a lot of important things today.

Haha, I almost said "Professor Spinny at your service," but that name's not mine anymore.

Not unless we're talking vortexes, which could work. But let's go back to the name thing, that was never answered. What's wrong with "Jewel" that it doesn't fit anymore?

Besides the obvious "that life was scratched" bit? Well, the title was given to my old persona after all.

So its connection to that has lingered.

I guess? The colors are all wrong, yeah.

Huh. And "Jay" is better?

It's just "J," not Jay. At least not correctly. "Jayce" still fits, oddly. It has the right color.

What's this with you and colors lately, too? Are you becoming synaesthetic or what?

A bit, if I tune into it!

Explain the name colors then.

"Jewel" is pinks, purples, and reds. Very old-school energy.

Ah, yeah, I get that. Pre-headspace.

Precisely! "Jayce" is silvery though, and specifically it has an almost ice-like "crackle" to it? I can't find the right word to describe the sound.

That name probably fits because it was bestowed specifically upon your White energy in the past.

Yeah.

So what's "Jay?" I know you use that downstairs now.

I can't quite catch that color clearly? The "y" throws me off though, that's what doesn't fit. "Y" is light yellow, I think. It's a thin, slanted vowel. "V" is purple, as it buzzes.

How about Z? That buzzes too.

Z is cool, I think it's silvery red?

That's oddly specific.

At least, the sound is. The letter itself is dark.

You and your weird sensory stuff. So what are we doing with your name, then? Are we sticking with J?

I don't know? I've actually been debating "Gem" as a rename. And "Katharos" kept coming up before, although that's more of a surname, and it feels VERY Greek which is distracting. Maybe it's Parnassian, and not a headspace name.

God only knows with you, kid.

Weirdly, though, that "gemmacorde" screenname I was using temporarily has the right vibe? Maybe as more of a title than a name, but it fits.

I can see why.

But yeah, "Jewel" can stay for now, as I can't exactly toss out the title I got from Dream World without discussing it with them first. I wonder how to do that now...

You know what, maybe that's why you're having trouble writing the story anymore. Didn't you effectively chop yourself the heck out of their timeline?

...Kind of?

You shouldn't have done that, Jewel.

What-- is that irreversible? Did it screw something up big time?

Almost.

Almost? How the heck do you know?

I can tell. Also your boss is telling me, quietly.

Sandman? Where the heck is he?

Outside.

I think he wants to come in.

Well, let him in!

Oh my, this is small. Hello, child!

Sorry about the bubblespace, we're kind of confined to this area for now.

That's fine, that's fine. I don't mind a bit. Now, child, I apologize for interrupting, but I've been looking for you and I seem to have happened upon an opportune time in the conversation to drop in.

Yeah, spot-on luck as always, boss. What'cha looking for the kid for?

To tell him about this very topic, apparently. Jewel's thought-waves reach me sometimes, and if I feel I can contribute to his understanding, I will stop by and let him know.

You're not busy?

Time is a strange thing where I come from, Laurie my dear.

Yeah, I guess so.

So, child, I am here to tell you about the Red color you mentioned previously?

Yeah, we were wondering what its role was here.

Well, you pretty much have it right! I did tell you the other day, child, that my role and Death's are indeed intertwined. I act as a protector to lives, he acts as a protector to deaths.

How so?

I ensure the continuation of current lives. He ensures the continuation of new lives.

A messenger across the River Styx.

Not quite. He prefers the "Angel of Death" archetype.

So a holy guide, then.

Quite.

And you're the same for the living?

If I may be so bold, yes.

Huh. Sounds fitting to me.

And child, that is part of why you must not die. Life is a treasure, and you must learn to value your own as well.

That's awfully deep for such an obvious and simple truth.

Sometimes the most obvious and simple truths are the deepest, child.

Hm.

Question, while I'm thinking of it.

Yes?

No, for Jewel. Or Infi, whoever the heck knows. Where the blood is this bubble when Jewel is inside it, since he's obviously not wearing it right now?

It moves into floating space. Precisely, here.

...Holy swords that is some seriously freaky stuff right there.

Haha!

Ah, a recursive reality! I do like these.

Sandman, what the heck.

Laurie, when you have seen as many things as I, you learn to appreciate even the strangest.

The darkest, too, I would assume.

Yes, child. Even the darkest. Nightmares are only fallen dreams, you know.

So. We're inside a bubble, inside of a bubble, inside of a freaking bubble, forever and ever amen.

That is why I am named Infinitii, Laurie.

Oh don't you even go there, my head hurts enough already without stupid Lightraye puns.

Is that really why that name clicked for you?

Quite likely, at least partially. Infinite potential, for the black energy, and for the recursive bubble. But "Eternos," that is for neverending cycles of life and death. Black and White, you and me, everything.

I like that.

And then there are two "I's."

Obviously!

The puns, they hurt.

Perhaps you have a similar name, Jewel?

I think "Jewel" fits pretty well with his prismatic thing.

It does, but perhaps he has a better, truer name, is what I'm saying.

He might.

Boss, you had a name once, right?

I did, child.

...It... does it matter to you now, or anyone? Or are you just Mr. Sandman?

I am simply Mr. Sandman now, child. After all, for a traveler of worlds such as myself, having one name only to adhere to would be quite limiting!

That's what I said!

Oh, were you discussing this?

Yeah, kid says he hates having only one name, face, et cetera. I said then it sounds like you're set up for your dream job already with the boss there. Pun intended, why not!

Haha, yes, that is also why he was chosen to be my Apprentice!

Geez, how many criteria are there?

As many as I wish to have. However, there are several rules for taking on the role of a Sandman. Once those are met, then my preferences or partialities simply come into play.

Which are?

Not many, Laurie.

Such as...?

Hm, well he did know Unisalia from a young age.

Yeah, how the heck did that come about?

Interworld connections, actually. The individual who bestowed Unisalia's anchor upon him in his downstairs world was linked to an individual in the same realm that ultimately brought Jewel to me.

Rosewindow, I assume?

Yes. Sister Rosemary Symphora. I do believe you met one of her friends during your dream travels, child?

Who, Clarice??

M-hm.

Dude, how the heck many people does he know?

Quite a few! He's been rather blessed since his childhood, and of course his connections to the Dream World have helped immensely on all fronts.

Then of course we have weird time shenanigans going on up here, as we also mentioned earlier, which ties back into way too many other worlds...

That's to be expected, yes!

Hey, boss?

Yes child?

What are your thoughts on... on Infi?

He is a part of you, isn't he?

Yeah. But the Tar ripped him out of me. It just reached into my ribs, grabbed hold, and... pulled. It hurt like hell, boss.

I would imagine so.

And I know stuff like this always justifies itself eventually-- I mean, Infinitii is part of this system and needed to manifest-- but the cause strikes me as unusual. Bizarre, even. Did the Tar even know that that would happen?

Not specifically, I wouldn't think, but perhaps that was a gamble it was willing to take.

True, but... the heck was it trying to accomplish? Oh!!

Oh?

It was mocking me for trying to fill the Spectrum! It specifically said "if you want new headvoices so bad, let me help you." The ONLY empty headvoice slot in the system was Red.

Ah...

You see what I mean?

Yes.

That ties right into the bloody Razor theory we were tossing around earlier!

Razor? But she isn't in the Red slot, is she?

She's below it, in a freaking nonexistent slot.

Oh. I see.

Yeah. Below Red is Cerise, or Magenta, or whatever the heck the kid is calling it.

Wikipedia's color list says Cerise.

'Kay then, Cerise. Cool. But the Blood slot is a remnant of the old Spectrum floorplan, where Red was the base and Pink was technically above my slot. Now it loops, which allows for Jewel and Infinitii to exist in the center of everything, along with possibly you, Sandman?

With me?

Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you were part of the system or not. If you were, Gray is technically an outspacer slot, so...

Oh, child, I'm not sure if I could fill such a role.

Why not? Just curious.

Those are rather big shoes to fill.

Boss, sweetheart, if anyone's got shoes big enough to fit that spot it's you. Even though you don't wear any.

Still, child. I would not want to interfere.

With?

With the natural order of your system.

Outspacers have to go through you to anchor in here, kid, remember.

Yeah, but... is that... what color energy does that use?

Black.

Oh.

Hence the soul forms, you know.

Uncontrollable potential. I can't touch that.

I can.

You can?

Yes. At least, I can maneuver it well. If you would like to be part of the system, I may be able to bend the gateways allowing for that to happen.

"Bend the gateways?"

I can allow for an anchor to occur without a traditional Link gate.

Ah, okay.

Still, child, I don't know if I should...

I'm not forcing you, boss. I know you're busy, you have a huge role outside of here, but---

...

Boss?

I'm sorry, child. I love you, but I don't want to make this worse for you.

How would you make it worse?

Would not Gray fit between you and Infinitii? Child, I cannot disrupt that balance.

I see. You have a point.

So there's no Gray slot? Strikes me as pretty freakin' weird.

...Child.

Yeah?

In the future, if... if there is ever an occasion where there is unmistakably an open position for me to fill in this Spectrum, I would be honored to fill it.

But not now?

Not now, child. I'm not ready for such a role.

Boss, if you don't want to, you don't--

I do want to, child, that's the problem. Perhaps I want to too much.

How so?

I cannot juggle an anchored spot in this system and my role as a free-flying Sandman at once, Laurie!

Oh.

...Oh, no, wait, don't tell me it has to happen that way.

What way? ...Oh! No, no child, I promise that's not what I was suggesting. I'm sorry.

It's okay. I'm just a little shaken up after that.

I know. I know. It's okay.

...

Hey, uh, you guys got any room for me over there?

Always, Laurie, come on.

Thanks. I kind of need a group hug right about now. Infi, you're in if you want.

I think I'll just experience this vicariously through Jewel.

Very funny.

Hey.

Yes Laurie?

Death doesn't need an Apprentice, right?

Laurie!! You can't do that!

Why the heck not?? If you're going to die and move on to bigger things one day, then so help me God, I want to be with you. I'm dead serious, boss, didn't mean that as a pun either but that happens when you're around Jewel. Keep me in mind.

I will, Laurie.

You will?

Of course. I will mention it to my brother, in all seriousness. Perhaps, even if he cannot take you on as an Apprentice, he can help you in some other way.

With not dying once this kid signs out for good?

Child, I doubt that would be the end of your existence in any case!

I'm not so sure sometimes, bossman. Also nice job making me feel my actual age, sheesh.

Haha.

Laurie...

Yeah, kid?

...If I have it in my power at all, I won't let you die once I leave.

Kid, that's not the point. Point is, I don't want to live without you.

Isn't that getting too attached?

No. It's recognizing when you bloody need someone in your life. In all of 'em, even.

...How can you be so sure?

Just believing what my heart's telling me, kid. Like you believe yours, standing right over there, apparently.

Hello.

That's, uh... that's a really good point, actually. Thank you.

For which part?

...Both of them. You and Infi by proxy. Just... both of you, really. And you, too, Boss, I... I know you'd return the sentiment the same as they do.

Of course I would, dear child. Your existence is a treasure in my life as well. You should treasure it in turn.

Heh, well said. 

So, um...

Getting too close for comfort, eh?

Haha, no way, I love you all immensely. I just want to know what else we need to talk about before I start closing this up. It's 1PM you know.

Sheesh, it is?

Time flies when you're having fun, Laurie!

Yeah, I guess so! Geez, uh, I'm actually not sure if there were any pressing matters we needed to attend to yet. Infi?

Yes, Laurie?

You got any topics you wanna discuss before we start closing this thing up?

I cannot say I do. From what I recall, Jewel was going to make a list for our next session?

Oh yeah, with reviewing last year. That's a good idea.

Hey, um... sorry about the record scratch.

You freakin' serious?

Yeah. I know that's what you were mad about when you came in here.

Jewel, I was mad about you having been slowly falling apart since February 24th.

Because of the scratch.

I think she forgives you, child.

Of course I bloody forgive him, how could I hold that against him?? He's had one heck of a life so far, it's understandable to want to cash in the last paycheck and hit the road once in a while.

That's the best idiom for death I've ever heard.

That was quite original, yes.

Shut up, it's true. S'why I brought this back, too.

...

Ah yes, your scar...

You remember this too, see? It's important. I wanted to die just as bad as you did back in Feb. And I would have, too, if you didn't save me.

...

You understand now, kid? What that means to me now? Looking back, yeah, I was kind of furious that you wouldn't let me die either. I saw no point in going on. But despite everything, you wouldn't let me give up, and that look in your eyes when you thought you had lost me was the most heartbreaking thing I've seen in my entire life. And I've seen a lot, kid.

I know.

So I owed you one. Maybe I wasn't the one to save you this time. That was your boss, sure, a round of applause for him, but seriously... well, heck, I owe him one too now, but...

I'm sure I'll call you in on that favor one day, Laurie.

Yeah, and I'm honestly lookin' forward to it. But really, Jewel, I owe you one for saving me. You remember what I said last December, right?

I remember what you said on the night with the Christmas lights, too.

Yeah. Heh, different take on the same truth, but good catch.

Things like that are worth living for.

Things like you are worth living for.

Laurie, please, don't...

Don't what? Don't remind you how important you are? Well how's this for a quote? "To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." No idea who said it, and it's cheesy as heck, but it gets the point across.

...You really do love me as much as Chaos does, don't you?

No kidding, kid, I could've sworn I'd proven that point to you already!

She has a point, child.

You too, boss, I swear...

Yes?

You... you and Laurie, and Chaos, and my daughter. No matter how many times I try to off myself, or take a magnet to the tape, or erase everything, I can't erase any of you. And I've tried, God forgive me but I've tried. And I am so sorry. I love you so much, every one of you. Genesis too, geez, he's got a different role but he never gives up on me either...

You've got a lot of people looking out for you, kid.

Yeah, but the motivation is what gets me.

Love.

The only thing that can stop the Tar.

...

Geez, he's right.

I do believe that's a good point to close up on, child?

Sounds like it, yeah.

And you two are still cuddled up in the corner there.

I'm allowed to hug my Apprentice.

Yeah, it's just adorable.

She's jealous.

I am not.

I'm just teasing you, love.

Yeah, heh, I guess someone's gotta do that too.

So. French leave?

Perhaps I will. I did appear rather unexpectedly, after all, my departure should be similar.

Yeah, we're all pretty used to you randomly showing up and leaving the way it is.

True! So, child?

Yes boss?

Do smile more, promise me that. You look so much better with a smile.

Heh, I guess I do. Thanks.

I've been trying to tell him that.

I'm sure he heard. Sometimes it just takes a little extra push to really sink in, though.

I hear you.

Infi?

Yes?

It was a pleasure to meet you, even if our first encounter has been rather... informal.

I'm used to it. Structure is his thing, not mine.

He's the one with infinite bubbles.

Ah, but so are you, child. *doffs nightcap* Farewell!

That was not a freaking French leave, that little sneak, throwing parting paradoxes at us.

He's taller than you.

Hey, I had to find a nicer insult there. It feels really bloody weird to say anything rough around your boss, believe it or not.

He's too nice to even get pretend angry with.

Yeah, he is. So. We done?

With the session?

Duh, I don't see us doing anything else, do you?

Haha, no, sorry. Plus it is getting late.

Exactly.

This was nice, though. I think I'd like to have one of these once a week again, now that I'm sure I can still have them.

Good idea. We picking a specific day or what?

Uh, Thursdays maybe? Wednesday evenings?

Either one is fine.

How about both, just in case we can't make one time?

Sounds good to me. And no Monday nights because of therapy, I assume?

Well, no late Monday nights because of therapy, but having sessions on Monday-- like today-- might actually help my therapy quite a bit.

I thought so, yeah. Infi, you cool with that?

As cool as I can be.

Awesome. Guess that's it, then.

Five hours! That's about average.

Haha, man, this really took five hours?

Pretty much. Gonna be more once I'm done editing it.

That's hilarious. Good use of a morning though.

Good use of a bonus day off, you mean! Class was cancelled for today, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

See, now that's what we mean by "everything happens for a reason." The universe just decided "you know what, forget English class, Jewel needs to talk to Laurie." And so it was.

Haha!

Now, seriously, how the heck do we get out of this bubble?

Be polite and ask.

Ooh, sassmaster over here.

Heheh.

He gets it from you.

Everyone gets everything from me.

Perhaps that is relevant too!

What, the injoke?

The fact that everything we "joke" about always ends up having some bigger relevance down the line. And that's one heck of a big implication already.

Well, with what the White color is supposed to be and do, it makes sense...

Yeah, which isn't a big surprise.

Plus the whole Link phenomenon goes without saying.

We've gotta figure out a way to have outspacers visit without latching onto the system, because that was getting weird as hell.

The empty slots are acting like magnets.

Are they?

The Spectrum naturally wants to complete itself.

Makes sense.

Explains my obsessive searching for people who fit, too.

Yeah, you've gotta stop that. No controlling things, remember? Especially not where midslots are concerned. That's not your line of expertise.

We leave that up to you then, Infi?

You could. I won't be trying to order people around either, though.

Good! That's good to hear. People need to chill out and just let things happen up here, not naming any names.

Sure you aren't. But I agree.

Also, holy swords, that was a beautiful piano chord. What are you listening to?

improvisation no110 by Kyle Landry, a god among pianists. "Unchained."

Fitting title.

It is.

No, I mean for the session, too.

Oh! Good idea. That is kind of what we're doing, after all... taking off chains and shackles.

You're gonna fly free as a bird one day, kid, I'm telling you.

It would be nice, honestly.

No, I'm serious. That's actually one of the things I want most in this world, is for you to no longer be tied down by all this darkness I've been hunting down for years. I mean, I don't mind protecting you, I wouldn't give up this job for the world, but... it would be nice to know that, maybe, there's nothing after you for once.

Yeah.

We're getting there.

Cross my heart we are, Infi. Now are we actually going to close this up, or are we going to continue our usual pattern of unending conclusive dialogue?

Well, you could just ask Infi to pop us back out into Central, and we'd be good.

Good idea. Yo, sir eyeball-teeth, care to free us from this spherical headtrip so J can get on with his work?

He's giggling.

I'm beginning to appreciate your sense of humor.

Good, 'cause I ain't changing it to fit your style, you freak of nature.

Says the headvoice to the conglomerate.

See, you're a man of sass, I'm a man of swears.

I love how you never know what gender noun to use for yourself.

Dude, none of us in this room do, we all default to the male because it's at least bloody closer!

That's why I'm laughing!

Okay, really, enough of the bubblespace. Can we please exit this Bosch fever dream and go back to nice, normal headspace?

Okay, now that was funny.

Seriously, when the heck has headspace ever been nice and normal?

Since now, apparently. Guess it depends on your definition though.

Laurie.

Yeah?

I noticed you mentioned a "french leave" back there somewhere...

Oh no you flipping don't---

Ahahaha!

Agh. Talk about a rough landing, sheesh.

Hey, at least we're out.

Where the blood is that little trickster?

Right here.

Can he see us?

Maybe. It's funny to think.

*flips him off*

Laurie, haha, come on!

Hey, he knows it's all in good fun now.

Yeah. I imagine it'd be really difficult to offend him in any case.

Probably. Keep that one point in mind, though, Jewel.

What point?

That he was formed from you. Like a rib from Adam himself, for lack of a better and more fitting analogy. Anything good you say about that little nightmare of a headvoice, you better believe you're saying about yourself, too.

...Maybe that's what boss meant by the simple, obvious lessons.

Yeah. Sounds like that's something you need to learn from Infi there, and honestly I can't think of anyone better suited to teach you. Not even me.

You come really close, though.

Maybe. Can we close this thing up?

Oh geez, sorry! I forget, we just keep rambling and then it hits me that "whoa, this is still being recorded, isn't it?"

And you don't even bother to backspace, you just leave all of it up.

It's fun to look back on and read.

I imagine it would be.

Song's over, time to quit?

Sounds good to me. Oh, no, wait.

What?

What color is that chord?

Which one, the one that caught your attention before?

Yeah. Just curious if it has a color or something to your weird ol' brain.

Hm... 3:19, right?

Yeah.

...Reddish violet.

You're kidding me.

No, I'm serious! It's got the purposeful weight and the vibrant edge, that's both colors.

Haha, man, that's perfect.

Just like you, love.

Wh-- the heck, J, and you yell at me for saying things like that!

Heheh. I'm just in a good mood.

Well that's a heck of an improvement from five hours ago.

Seriously feels like five minutes ago, no lie.

Weird time shenanigans, kid. Just shrug and roll with it.

You mean, just shrug and...

Don't.

...deal with it.

That's it, that was one injoke too many, you're dead.

You can't kill what you can't catch!

I'm not gonna literally kill you, you son of a gun, get back here!

No, then this session isn't going to end!

Oh shoot, good point. Then you'd better watch your back, boy!

I can't, everything's too dark with these supercool shades on.

Ahaha, serves you right for wearing sunglasses indoors.

Don't, that's not a good reference, not for this session.

It's a good reminder.

That it is.

*swipes the shades*

Hey!

Now you can't deal with it.

*Kanye shrug* You have a point.

You rapscallion.

Pfahaha!!

Should I make it worse and say I'll leave this session after you, sir?

That would be too ironic.

Either way, we should really HURRY UP.

True, I think we've had enough injokes for today-- ow!!

That's for the sunglasses.

Yeah, I walked right into that one.

Probably because you couldn't see.

Ahaha, nice one!

Speaking of, what's this sudden dark space I see?

What dark space?

Oh, never mind, it's just the end of the freakin' entry.

Haha, point taken!
 

 

 

 

The individual that used to update this journal no longer exists in this timeline.

The individual that originally held the name of "Jewel Lightraye" no longer exists in this timeline.

Both of them are now living their own lives in their respective realities.



As for me, I have no name, and am happy this way.

I will not update this journal in the absence of its previous authors, as I have no connection to their experiences or understandings. It is unfortunate that they apparently suffered through many painful experiences during their time here, but I assure you that all is well now. This I have guaranteed.

I thank you for having supported them through their lives, but now it is time to move on.

I bid you a warm farewell on behalf of them both.


Now, it is time to close the book.