prismaticbleed | A Prayer for True Rest (Reply)

God, please help me.
I'm exhausted, all the way down to my soul. I can't go on, not alone at least. I need Your help, Your ever-Present and ever-Loving help, to carry this cross any further without being crushed.
I won't put it down. I won't stop walking. I've made up my mind to follow You no matter what. As feeble as it is, I have consecrated my will to You. But "I am nothing, Lord. Help me!"

Please. I’m overwhelmed and bone-tired. I don't have the strength to run to You, but I can still look in Your direction, and meet Your gaze. I can still reach out to You with my entire heart & soul, even if my body is immobilized, paralyzed by fear & fatigue.
Please. Come to meet me. Come embrace me. I can do nothing but beg. I need You, Lord, or I will not make it through this.

Don't let me give up. Don't let me give in. Don't let me surrender to despair, or worse, to the empty promises of decadence.
When entertainment and "self-care" beckon like sirens from the sidelines, coaxing me to stay in bed and skip Mass, to go online and skip prayers, to "put the cross down for a while" and just "set your religion aside for now" and relax, rest, take a day off, et-fatal-cetera-- when the world sees my struggle of faith and chides that "it's not worth killing myself over it," then please, Lord, fix the focus of my entire existence on Your Cross, and respond in courageous conviction that, actually, it is the only thing worth being killed for... after all, You thought the same about me.

Even so, dearest Savior, it's not easy. You know this. It's a very bitter cup. It's a lot of blood to lose. Some days the mere knowledge of what's coming next is enough to chill my very bones... but I cannot say no. It's not that I don't have a choice. It's that I want to join in Your Agony. I want to share in Your Passion. It's insane, the world screams at me, and maybe they're right. It doesn't change anything. I don't want anything but You.

So why am I still such a coward?
Why am I still so weak, so timid, so prone to making excuses and cutting corners? Why am I still such a gutless chicken, scared of denying You as the cold night darkens, terrified of betraying You in the blind instinct to "survive"? What poor excuse for a life would that purchase? Now that I've known You, Jesus, everything but You rings hollow and flat. Nothing but You has purpose or meaning, scent or flavor, color or light. I've seen it all perfected in You and now I can never forget that revelation of Truth. What else could I ever want or need, if I had You? What more could I lose, if I lost You?
Life without You would be death. I would rather die. Give me the Cross.
Give me the strength of love to carry it with You, dear Lord!!

Maybe I won't get any rest for this body until I die. Deep down I'm willing to accept that sacrifice, but Lord, I'm ashamed to admit that when the actual exhaustion hits, I typically crumble beneath its weight. Yet I cannot expect to ever be free of it. To live a life without a good fight TO fight would be naught but a miserably unholy indolence. The march, the battle, the night watches, are SUPPOSED to be exhausting. They give honorable discipline, they build fortitude, they bolster patience & long-suffering, and they are all the work of humble obedience to You, my King and my Lord! You go before me in all of this. To refuse to follow Your example, to not walk in Your very Footsteps, would be an abominable abandonment of not only my Christian moral duty, but of the Love that both demands & inspires such total self-giving & unity with the Beloved!

So, Jesus, keep me that close to You, in all respects. Don't let me stray even for a moment, no matter how faltering my steps may be. If I want rest, I must look for it in its native place-- in the Sabbath, in the completion of Creation, in the Heavenly Kingdom... in You.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and are burdened... and you will find rest for your souls."
That's what I need, Lord. That's all I'll ever need.

But, God, the irony is terrible.
I get the most exhausted from prayer.
In a way, it feels fitting. What is more worth suffering from, but worship? What better a sacrifice can I offer, but one endured for love of You?
Still, Lord, I'm weak. My flesh is feeble. My mind is worn out. I get burnt down to the wire and I start slacking off, dragging the lumber on my shoulders, trying to take the edge off the thorns, trying to catch a breath and sit down... but doing so takes me away from Your path. To seek "rest" apart from Your gentle yoke just shows that I don't understand what rest is... or what prayer is.
Please keep me close to You. Keep me under the yoke of love. Keep my sight set straight to eternity, so I will think nothing of both the shame & struggle we must meet on the way. Nail my faith to Your Feet. Nail my hope to Your Hands. Let me rest my heart in Yours, even as it is pierced by Love. Unite me so completely with You that nothing can conquer me, not even death, and I will find eternal rest in Your Arms, in that place where there is no more pain because all is at peace with God.

Until then I have to fight. And fighting is prayer.
So I must change my perspective, Lord. Instead of selfishly seeking "rest" from the war, I must seek STRENGTH, the strength to strive ever onwards for God-- and that strength is found only in the Cross, because just like true rest, true strength is true Love, that both conquers & consoles all things, and Love is sacrifice.

In the end, dear Jesus, I must suffer. This is a secret joy, when I know its purpose and origin and end. But it's not supposed to be easy. "I will not offer a sacrifice that cost me nothing!" The worth is proven by the cost; we honor by what we offer. And in a beautiful demonstration of that very truth, You are entirely willing to supply me with the very wealth I must expend-- You already covered my expense entire with Your Blood. To do the same for You is therefore the highest privilege. Everything I endure, therefore, is a gift both from and for You, an oblation of reverence and a pledge of promise. If I accept the Blood, I must offer it back-- and in doing so, obtain the priceless joys my Lord thus purchased for me.
That hope is my rest. That love is my strength.

Jesus, facing life without You is infinitely more exhausting than anything I could ever endure alongside You. Your very Presence can and will give me all the strength I need to brave whatever comes my way, all the rest I need to continue unflagging in the fight, and all the joy I need to keep my heart light and loving no matter how heavy this Cross becomes. It's still a Cross. It’s still my only glory. It's still leading me to God.
Stay with me, Jesus, all the way to death and beyond. That's when I can finally rest, without sin, without fear, forever.
Until then, Lord, please... let's walk this Calvary Road together.

Amen.