the spectrum heart cathedral system

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH "LOTUS"



We need to talk about this eating disorder. It hasn't stopped yet, and although we’re not as bad as we used to be, it's still harmful and it needs to stop.

So what's the focus on it tonight, kid? Anything in particular or just the whole shebang?

Well, specifically the roots, the cause of it. We need to find that, the source, the motivation, so that no matter what happens next time, we can reroute that initial impulse to something productive and/or healing.

Sounds good to me, kid. By the way I apologize-- one, it is really hard to front or be conscious right now, and two, you still don't got a bloody name so that's throwing this whole entire thing into havoc.

I'm speaking mainly through the Autopilot right now in any case, but you're right. I am still searching for a name that fits and doesn't call anyone else out. But why are you struggling to be conscious? Body fatigue? Or are we still too heavily in the social context?

Bit of both, mostly the first. All that bingeing nonsense is wreaking havoc on our collective mind and frankly that's walling us all out upstairs. Body wants to dissociate and THAT might be playing into the bingeing thing, too, kid. It's looking for some excuse to unplug for a few hours, and right now we keep bloody forgetting that we CAN walk in circles in the living room if we want to, or lie down on the porch, or in the playroom even, instead of making ourselves sick by checking out and wrecking the entire bloody kitchen in the process.

That is an extremely relevant point and have we discussed this before?

Inevitably. Unquestionably, of course we've discussed that hellish eating disorder before, or do you mean the motives? Or specifically the battles we're fighting with it now here in North Carolina?

I was thinking specifically the motives, and you saying it sounded like "wanting to die without dying" and that's really what this still is, the dissociating for hours thing.

True. But really I'm thinking we're leaving out the food part itself entirely too much and that's a massive clerical error right there. It's an eating disorder; we've got to factor in the fact that food is involved. Otherwise we'd already have options-- do we, actually? Right now, could this compulsion to binge and purge feasibly be rerouted TO anything else? Healthy or harmful, either way works right now, I just need answers.

Well, we already know it's swappable for alcoholism, and possibly drug abuse, seeing how this same compulsion gets thrown towards sleeping pills and antacids and Benadryl and dairy pills and everything else that's not immediately a toxicity risk, but even that is mouth-based. Consumption based. It all boils down to biting and chewing mainly, not even swallowing-- that infamously does Not factor into the mental imagining and decision-making process.

Really?

Really. Like when I look at plans, or memory, in the social-level head memory bank, I can see them thinking about the nut butter and oatmeal again--

Didn't they get the freaking memo? That stuff is like eating wallpaper glue. We know this. Why do they keep looking for it? The oil content alone makes us want to die, that's how we end up with kids slumped over the sink and sobbing hysterically for Jesus to help them at 3 in the morning. Our stomach can NOT handle oil and that memo keeps being blithely skipped over, what the heck, these social kids NEED to get on the ball with taking into consideration the physical consequences of those choices. Anyway, they're planning it again, huh?

Yeah. Specifically that one girl, the one with the long hair who feels partly like a manic Jewel but resonates Brown I think?

Warm brown, I assume?

Yeah. Maybe she's a deadname, but I don't think so. Not anymore. She's got the basic body overlay and she feels about, I don't know, 15? 16? Before spinningcannon.

Wait, she's chronological?

A LOT of socials are. I wouldn't be surprised if all of them prior to NC had their roots in time pockets like that. It makes sense, considering their job.

Yeah, it does. Still, it's morbidly fascinating to realize that compulsions and addictions and abuse patterns and all that can be tracked to a freaking time period just by feeling out the body-mirror resonance of the corpufoni that holds it. By the way are we still using that term? Or did we find-slash-invent new jargon for that level?

Uh, working on it. We need to do more research first though. But yeah, probably new jargon, but for now if you want to use "corpufoni" then that works in a pinch I suppose. "Body voice." I just don't like the implication of separateness from the Upstairs that that implies. They're a "nous" voice, too. Just working on a different level.

Hence why I asked if the term was still applicable, so thanks kid. I'll stick to "Social kids" if I've gotta refer to them collectively for now, no problem. But as I was saying. Or, looking back on the chatlog, as socials were saying. This girl's motivation for gorging on sticky oats. What's her prerogative?

Hold up, I'm checking data. They used to have oily oats instead, just dry oats with sugar and vegetable oil, but the thought of eating that is correctly sending oil-memory body chills through our form, and even she is shuddering at it, so that's a no-go. Someone else is feeling the obligation to still do it, though.

Boy or girl?

 

Dude, actually. Might be Jonathan, if that's the same nervous kitchen guy we've been keeping track of for so long.

What's his deal? What is his anchor even for heaven's sake? Why's he so afraid and compulsive with this nonsense?

I don't know, let me see if I can ask actually.

(…)

The sun's coming up. It's beautiful.
Why can't we eat normal meals?
We can. We just haven't decided to yet.
Why do we keep repeating things that don't work then?
Because we changed it once, and Jonathan is afraid to change back.

Jon's afraid of "changing back," huh? Then why's he perpetuating old garbage loops? You know oil in oats makes us sick, but you insist you "want" it, solely because you want to "do the thing you're used to doing." Kid your brain is an addled mess, and you're only lapsing into these harmful patterns because they're patterns. Your brain is so bloody tired and exhausted with anxiety over daily life that you're afraid to even put forwards any extra stress by trying something new, even if it would help. You just do what was done once, so you don't have to think about it. You're literally an anxiety shutdown nousfoni and you NEED to reroute that function to something healthful because it could ACTUALLY be helpful if you would just use it wisely for once, kid.

…

Speaking of. Kid. Core dude. White haired crystal-light heart fella who’s in this Xanga-ass session with me. You still around?

Always, just gotta call me.

Cool. So here I am calling you. Jonathan's motives. He's anxiety looping. Wait, no. He's mindlessly looping for the sake of avoiding a specific kind of anxiety, essentially the stress that comes from change, especially trying something new, or-- God forbid-- admitting that an old behavior pattern doesn’t work towards our health and having to figure out something new that does. Problem is, Jonathan's personal timeflow has no stops. No breaks. It's always moving like a treadmill on high and he can't even stop to catch his breath or it's going to knock him off his feet. That's why he's the one insisting on just emptily repeating old food patterns, even if they don't work or make sense-- because they're ritualized, they're literally just behaviors smashed together into a script, something "self-soothing" he can default to almost as a stim, except the problem is that it's only applying to food. It wouldn't work otherwise. Somehow, the end result of this garbage ending up in our collective mouth is important somehow. Why? Kid, you got any pointers or answers or wondering questions about it?

Of course, that's my job I think. Light. Piercing through obfuscation and bringing things to be illumined. Revealed. Understood. But yes, definitely thoughts on this. Gosh the body's tired though.

Oh yeah, that's what I was going to tell you way up there at the top of the page. You've got one hour before your Food Lion run, so congratulations for making it this far. Congrats to all of us for the record. Yeah we messed up, big time, but hey, look at this, we're having a Xanga session as a result. Cool beans. Thoughts?

Hm. Well, first things first, it's obvious that Jon's just trying to work with Iscah in developing a set meal plan here. Problem is, it's havoc right now. We should be sticking to FODMAP management as well as the dietary exchange card. We need to work within a structure, or someone else is going to compulsively throw inedible meal combos together because "this food is healthy, we Have to eat it " and ultimately just making us sick.

But the oats aren't healthy-- wait, no you're right, it's the combo nonsense. Again.

Exactly! "Oats are fiber," we need fat according to UPMC," and "we shouldn't be afraid of sugar" causes an absolute nonsense combo that is both inedible and abusive to our body because one, we cannot have oil without excruciating pain & nausea, and two, we cannot have sugar without excruciating pain & nausea.

And dizziness so freakin' bad we almost passed out from it today. Twice!

In once week! Yeah it's terrifying, and I don't know why they keep forcing sugar when they KNOW it's terrifying and we ALL think it's disgusting.

There, there's that voice. The interjection. That fearful "but we can't judge it!" that's going to MAKE us keep eating sugar "until we like it." And that's a toxic introjected thought process from the grandmother, ultimately, isn't it.

It sure it. Can't think of anyone else who said it to us but that single speaking source is important enough to be this solid. So. There's two big challenges here--

Hold up-- look at that sunrise.

Gosh. Wow. It's soulfire pink.

Sure is, kid.

…Thank you, Laurie.

For what?

Stopping us to see that. That's an important lesson. Thank you.

(...)

Another huge concern: our body has been VERY SICK lately from IBS. It's flared up spectacularly lately and we're not sure why. It's worrying us greatly.

Hold up. Gonna go sit on the porch for a minute then get back to this and finish those thoughts.

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