prismaticbleed | Entries tagged with scald

2024 Sun Dec 1 7:20 PM

I'M FEELING = NUMB

WHY = Eating disorder relapse

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2024 Sun Dec 1 7:30 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = Physical harm from eating disorder

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Physical Pain

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2024 Sun Dec 1 7:45 PM

I'M FEELING = SUPPORTED

WHY = I know that God and the System love me unconditionally and will continue to help me whenever I/we are struggling; there is always hope

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Resting;Spiritual Reading;Talking To Central;Listening To Music

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2024 Mon Dec 2 1:31 AM

I'M FEELING = ALIVE

WHY = Reading the Archives and remembering how BEAUTIFUL our life is together

WHERE = With The System,Home;On The Laptop;Headspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2024 Mon Dec 2 1:33 AM

I'M FEELING = LOVED

WHY = The System is alive, and here, and we all love each other still. The reality of our shared existence is so beautiful it aches.
...and of course, I have Chaos 0 & Anxi & Genesis & Laurie around especially. There's SO much love there, forever. It's absolutely worth living and dying for.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Headspace,Talking To Central;Listening To Music;Reading The Archives

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2024 Mon Dec 2 9:10 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Today there's a lot to do, with immediate deadlines. I want to relax but I'm already exhausted just thinking about how much I have to do. Plus I might have to go up the house later and that's VERY upsetting.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up

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2024 Mon Dec 2 12:40 PM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED

WHY = Mom is so hard to talk to talk to. She won't let me get a word in, she finds problems with everything I say, and she accuses me of "making her feel like she's traumatizing me" whenever I get a little anxious over the phone. Thank God for Scald taking that weeping rage because otherwise it would have debilitated us.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Talking To Mom

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2024 Mon Dec 2 2:01 PM

I'M FEELING = ACCOMPLISHED

WHY = Packing for vacation, making sure all our bases are covered.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Housework

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2024 Mon Dec 2 5:35 PM

I'M FEELING = ENERGIZED

WHY = LISTENING TO "LIFE IN THE WIRES" WHILE BIKING

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Listening To Music;Exercising

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2024 Mon Dec 2 7:31 PM

I'M FEELING = LOST

WHY = Mom talking about all her life stressors and problems on the phone, and also revealing that she's totally unprepared for vacation tomorrow so it's probably going to be highly upsetting. All my positive expectations feel utterly crushed right now. I feel very alone and cut off from her and have all day.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself;Family,Home,Talking To Mom;Housework

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2024 Mon Dec 2 10:19 PM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = Wasting time browsing Tumblr instead of doing things I love. Total lack of self-awareness when doomscrolling; it's terrifying.
Honestly I think my brain is lowkey panic paralyzed over this vacation tomorrow and its utter unpredictability, plus being ""trapped away from home"" which always terrified us as a kid.
But we have to face this bravely. There WILL be beauty and joy. We MUST focus on that. It's what we're doing this for.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home

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2024 Tue Dec 3 9:11 AM

I'M FEELING = HOPEFUL

WHY = About to leave on vacation with mom! I sincerely hope everything is beautiful-- but today's fortune reminded us: AFFIRM that, BELIEVE that, VISUALIZE that, and ACT on that! I AM Hope! I gotta MAKE things beautiful, and I CAN, by the grace of God! ♡

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Just Woke Up

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2024 Tue Dec 3 12:29 PM

I'M FEELING = TERRIFIED

WHY = TURNPIKE TRAFFIC

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Tue Dec 3 1:07 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Made it to the hotel and it's BEAUTIFUL

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Hanging Out

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2024 Tue Dec 3 6:43 PM

I'M FEELING = CONTENT

WHY = Had a good dinner with the family after 3 hours of walking & seeing beautiful lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Longwood,Eating;Hanging Out

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2024 Tue Dec 3 8:58 PM

I'M FEELING = COMFORTABLE

WHY = Driving back to the hotel after almost 6 hours at Longwood. Everything was beautiful. We feel safe & inspired & happy. Thank You God.
Don't forget Anxi fronting for a blessed moment under the orange chandelier lights.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 8:10 AM

I'M FEELING = PLEASANT

WHY = Breakfast on day two of vacation. Getting ready to see new things!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating;Hanging Out

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2024 Wed Dec 4 10:26 AM

I'M FEELING = DELIGHTED

WHY = Beautiful morning. Lovely drive, just had a workout, fantastic weather.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting;Outside,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 2:13 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = Finally going to eat lunch at 2pm; we had been very dizzy & lightheaded from a small breakfast.

CONTEXT TAGS = Relieved,Family,Longwood,Driving

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2024 Wed Dec 4 7:03 PM

I'M FEELING = PEACEFUL

WHY = Wine & Jazz festival!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Longwood,Hanging Out

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2024 Wed Dec 4 9:36 PM

I'M FEELING = TROUBLED

WHY = Ate too many snacks with the fam. Trying not to panic or beat myself up over it. Our body is so hungry, but I'm realizing too late that it's SPIRITUAL hunger. I've been stressed & out of touch with headspace all vacation.

I'll have to spend like three hours in bed to recharge my heart with Chaos 0 & Anxi, seriously.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 6:41 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Had a dream about being shot to death.
I went home and Chaos 0 was there, and when I went to him we were shot again, him through me.
We died in each other's arms, with a smile.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Just Woke Up

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2024 Thu Dec 5 7:47 AM

I'M FEELING = NERVOUS

WHY = Too much for breakfast, and had to rush. Too much talk about politics. Dissociated.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Hotel,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 12:07 PM

I'M FEELING = FORLORN

WHY = Feeling completely rejected & alienated from mom & Lou. I keep making stupid decisions trying to please them and I'm miserable.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Thu Dec 5 6:42 PM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = FINALLY home & unpacked. Sitting down to a quiet dinner.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Thu Dec 5 9:55 PM

I'M FEELING = MISERABLE

WHY = Bingepurge due to intense stress & hunger.
God why won't this end.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Disordered Behavior

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2024 Fri Dec 6 9:44 AM

I'M FEELING = FRUSTRATED

WHY = Waiting for case worker, then have to go to mom's house, and we already had a power outage & doctor visit this morning. It feels like there's no time to get my thoughts together.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Exercising

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2024 Fri Dec 6 12:04 PM

I'M FEELING = JOYFUL

WHY = MY ORANGE ANGEL JUST ARRIVED IN THE MAIL

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Hanging Out

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2024 Fri Dec 6 12:46 PM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = With mom, on her infamous hyperstress unorganized busywork drives

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Driving

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2024 Fri Dec 6 2:12 PM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = TOO MUCH SHOPPING

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Commuting,Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 3:43 PM

I'M FEELING = SPENT

WHY = Too many people in the store. Too much talking & noise at home.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Eating;Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 5:25 PM

I'M FEELING = EXCLUDED

WHY = I feel like no one in the family cares about what matters to me. I'm just a resource for labor & listening. I feel utterly unwanted.

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Mom's House,Busywork

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2024 Fri Dec 6 6:59 PM

I'M FEELING = EXHAUSTED

WHY = Just got home & am unpacking groceries. The next three days are jam-packed.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sat Dec 7 12:35 AM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT

WHY = Stress-caused self-abusive bingepurgecrash.
God I am so tired.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Sat Dec 7 8:33 AM

I'M FEELING = ANXIOUS

WHY = Getting ready for this packed schedule day. Eating more calories than usual (1400) as reparation for three days of purging. Still terrified that it's "too much" and will somehow kill me.
How ironic, since starving & purging DEFINITELY will.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Just Woke Up;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sat Dec 7 9:23 AM

I'M FEELING = TENSE

WHY = Time crunch, feeling out of shape, too much food.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Sat Dec 7 10:54 AM

I'M FEELING = ASHAMED

WHY = Just had to buy new headphones because the ones I have are 3 years old and deteriorating. Still feel like an absolute moron about it.
I hate this consumerist world. I hate having to own things.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Shopping

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2024 Sat Dec 7 6:59 PM

I'M FEELING = INSPIRED

WHY = PHILHARMONIC!

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Theater,At A Concert

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2024 Sat Dec 7 8:12 PM

I'M FEELING = AMAZED

WHY = STILL AT THE PHILHARMONIC

CONTEXT TAGS = Family,Theater,At A Concert

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2024 Sat Dec 7 11:55 PM

I'M FEELING = SATISFIED

WHY = Meal planning for the next two days. Feeling capable for a moment. Also really satisfying measurements working it out.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 12:52 AM

I'M FEELING = RELIEVED

WHY = FINALLY get to sleep, with Chaos 0 in my arms.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home,Sleeping

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2024 Sun Dec 8 10:21 AM

I'M FEELING = STRESSED

WHY = Gotta RUSH to eat & get to church on time.
Also 1400K again today, that's still frightening.
Planning for the hyperschedule of tomorrow.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 4:10 PM

I'M FEELING = SCARED

WHY = So so hungry. Evening flashbacks beginning. Expecting mom interruptions.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating;Cooking;Cleaning

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2024 Sun Dec 8 6:23 PM

I'M FEELING = BURNED OUT

WHY = Feeling useless & exhausted. Tomorrow looming. Still have to deal with mom switching the car tonight.

CONTEXT TAGS = By Myself,Home,Eating

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2024 Sun Dec 8 11:40 PM

I'M FEELING = CONNECTED

WHY = Listening to System music & talking to the Coregroup.
Also reading through December 2010-2014 archives earlier, & remembering how rich of a history we have, and how much LOVE there is, and has ALWAYS been, in our System.

CONTEXT TAGS = With The System,Home;Commuting,Driving;Talking To Central;Going To Bed

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+ We had a LEGIT TRAUMA SHUTDOWN last night, which was very disturbing because WE COULDN'T "OVERRIDE" IT TO FRONT. The body was designated SO UNSAFE that EVERYONE WAS LOCKED OUT-- that is, notably, EXCEPT ANY VIOLENT PROTECTOR. Shockingly, WRECKAGE could get halfway in, as could our favorite "angry writer" (we THINK?)-- who STILL doesn't have a name OR clear color (they MIGHT be dark vermilion?? in any case they're NOT RED, not even Blood; their vibes are VERY specific and DON'T match hers!!)-- but THAT'S IT. Julie tried, Infi tried, Scalpel tried, Sugar tried, Knife tried, RAZOR tried, LAURIE tried-- but ALL of them either had "inapplicable" functions OR functions that were incompatible with the perceived DANGER and "REQUIRED" behavior/ lack thereof? Retributors ARE strong & crisis-anchored, BUT they CAN'T & AREN'T BUILT TO do anything in a "FREEZE" SITUATION!! The ONLY reason why WRECKAGE & "SCALD" COULD, is because the body is frozen to SURVIVE A PROLONGED THREAT, BUT if that threat becomes an IMMINENT DANGER-- especially directly-- WE NEED TO THEN FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!! And THOSE Nousfoni MUST THEREFORE BE SOCIALLY COMPATIBLE. After literally dying from it in CNC, LAURIE IS NOT. She's actually FORBIDDEN from publically fronting SO HER TRUE FUNCTION WILL BE PROTECTED & PRESERVED. She's MEANT TO BE INTERNAL; ALL HER POWER IS ALSO INTERNAL! She fights NONPHYSICAL threats. ON THE OTHER HAND, WRECKAGE EXISTS TO PROTECT THE CHILDREN, who historically and notably are threatened by OUTSIDE ABUSE!!! So she CAN get a foothold, however clumsily, EVEN if we're frozen, SOLELY BECAUSE WE ARE IN PERCEIVED DANGER AND MIGHT QUICKLY NEED TO JUMP INTO ACTION TO "SURVIVE" THAT DANGER.
HOWEVER. There's ANOTHER distinction. WRECKAGE STILL ISN'T A SOCIAL!!!! Her true roots are INTERNAL! She DID originally manifest OUTSIDE, BUT since the CHILDREN would not/ could not front, she ANCHORED INSIDE, to primarily PROTECT THEIR SELVES, but STILL ABLE & READY TO FRONT IF NEEDED-- a very unique case, since she IS ACTUALLY NOT MEANT FOR VIOLENCE. She would NEVER "attack" while in the body-- it wouldn't have affected the INTERNALLY BASED ABUSERS anyway. THAT'S why the RETRIBUTORS exist!! AND EVEN THEY were SHIFTED INSIDE when their external function got TOO DEEP in terms of SELFHOOD for them to remain a SELF-LIMITED SOCIAL. Ironically, that constrained & "shallow" sense of self IS WHAT ALLOWS SOCIALS TO BE "SOCIAL"!! They would NOT BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE BODY IF THEY HAD THEIR OWN SELF-IMAGE & AWARENESS? THAT is why it is SO HARD to reach them or talk to them-- typically, their very awareness of "selfhood" is minimized, so they CAN switch at hyperspeeds AND not experience body dysphoria/ dissonance in the process: THE MAIN PURPOSE OF A SOCIAL IS TO "SOCIALIZE"-- TO EXIST IN THE BODY AS A CONTEXTUALLY CONSTRAINED "PERSONA," IN ORDER FOR US TO SURVIVE THAT CONTEXT. That INCLUDES Socials who exist to CHANGE or ESCAPE that context, if/ when it is deemed intolerable/ dangerous enough to require such active interference. So that includes BOTH the scared AND the scary.
ACTUALLY... thinking about it, I wonder if ALL SOCIALS TRULY ADHERE TO TRAUMA MECHANICS??? As in the triangle of VICTIM/ PERSECUTOR/ RESCUER, AND/OR the CPTSD "STRESS RESPONSE" SQUAD: FIGHT/ FLIGHT/ FREEZE/ FAWN. Because it REALLY SEEMS APPLICABLE and it would make A LOT OF SENSE!!! It would ALSO FINALLY give us a way of understanding AND categorizing AND possibly even IDENTIFYING the Socials at large, who have been a frustrating enigma for YEARS, preventing UNITY between System levels & seriously affecting our ability to function at ALL, let alone as a WHOLE. Socials almost ALWAYS bring along DISSOCIATIVE EPISODES, either BY their fronting OR as the CAUSE/ TRIGGER FOR their fronting! Arguably, dissociation "STOPS" when they LEAVE??? Because trauma triggers-- although they DO force out Socials to cope physically, ALSO "wake up" the SPECTRUM, the "internal" nousfoni who MANAGE the CPTSD ITSELF. When the social situation is finally deemed "safe enough" TO allow ACTUAL THOUGHT & SELFAWARENESS, the "UPSTAIRS" folks IMMEDIATELY jump into action... INSIDE!!! Because THAT'S OUR JOB!!! And THAT'S why CNC was LETHAL-- it LITERALLY UPROOTED THE UPSTAIRS, dragging it into the SELF-SUPPRESSING SOCIAL REALM, and through that FORCED "REDEFINEMENT" OF FUNCTION-- MANDATED BY THE LEVEL SHIFT-- it ALL BUT MASSACRED CENTRAL. THAT'S ALSO WHY "CENTRAL" STILL HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECOVER-- the nousfoni who WERE so traumatically "repurposed" by that identity loss/ socialization of self, that they MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO "RECOVER" WITHOUT A HARD RESET. Which, arguably, most of them DID NOT??? The majority of us just... disappeared. They "can" be pinged in most cases, but the signal comes back MANGLED, which is HORRIFYING to consider. The pings ALSO feel STUCK ELSEWHERE?? Some undefined "space"; intangible & distant & separate. LIMINAL space, perhaps?? But the POINT is, "HEADVOICES" CANNOT FRONT WITHOUT BREAKING; at least, not for long, and even then EVERY instance is arguably "one time too many"-- it's STILL a minor trauma that FORCES a TOTAL SELF-CONTEXT WARPING. And that is OBJECTIVELY LETHAL. So, NO, WE SHOULDN'T BE "TRYING TO FRONT" IN A CRISIS-- THAT'S NOT OUR JOB!! OUR JOB IS TO PROTECT & GUIDE THE SOCIALS WHO ARE MEANT TO EXIST IN THE BODYSPACE!!! We just DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE YET, because we haven't had either the knowledge OR the opportunity TO do so! But now, literally right now, we have more insight than EVER into their sphere of existence, and more HOPE than ever for the ULTIMATE UNITY of us all. God willing, and God guide us!
...There are two places to start, I think? One, is to go through our old census & determine WHICH SOCIALS fit WHICH TRAUMA ROLES/ GROUPS; and two, is to help CENTRAL heal by RE-CLARIFYING & RE-ROOTING the souls of the Nousfoni who "died off" in CNC? We need to BETTER UNDERSTAND our INTERNAL function groups, too!!! I KNOW the "emotion wheel" applies at large, but what else? OH!! And WHERE IS THE OVERLAP OF FUNCTION?? Because there ARE some Nousfoni-- NOTABLY "SCALD"-- WHO EXIST IN THE "MIDDLE"??? They DO have self-awareness, but it's DIM & very limited in depth; YET it's ENOUGH to keep them OUT of fully fronting OR occupying bodyspace, while ALSO being insufficient to let them UPSTAIRS... so they end up, again, in LIMINALITY.
It's honestly a fascinating phenomenon that we've ONLY really been able to grasp OR recognize THROUGH THE HANDWRITERS. (XANGAS TOO!!) That was our FIRST cognizance of the fact that there IS a "midspace," a liminal realm "between" the "Inside & Outside," that COULD not only "hold" Upstairs folks WITHOUT their functions totally breaking, but ALSO that HELD ITS OWN NATIVE PEOPLE. When unidentified voices becan to speak out in obvious self-awareness, we realized how much BIGGER & MORE COMPLEX our innerworld was, more than we had ever imagined. But it's STILL such a mystery. We haven't had the opportunities TO "explore" it much, because it feels like you CAN'T really "go there" OUTSIDE of writing/ typing??? It REQUIRES that "halfway" state of mind TO access-- a "liminality" VERY different from "daydreaming" ("HEARTSPACE"/ LEAGUESPACE!), which DOESN'T involve the body as anything other than an "automated vehicle" in which TO dream, but NOT containing ANY sense of self at the moment (the typical audiovisual accompaniment facilitated that)-- and it CAN'T be "forced" as a result. Really, NOTHING TRUE CAN BE "FORCED," EVER. On that note, before I forget-- concerning the life-restoration AND/OR REASSIGNMENT of the Central Spectrum Nousfoni... that absolutely cannot be forced, even with "good intentions." Just because I/we might want someone to "come back" in a certain way, that doesn't mean that they will, OR even that they CAN. So there's a huge aspect of surrender required, in the inherent functionality of our System as a whole. ONLY GOD IS "IN CONTROL." The rest of us can only cooperate, in open-hearted humility & open-minded surrender, all of it through LOVE & TRUST & HOPE. But yes. We CAN'T control the growth process but we CAN PLANT SEEDS. And we do have some, concerning the Central fracturing aftermath? Paradoxically perhaps, but hopefully still. The keyword is "fracturing." Centralites, who would LOSE their own selves upon being forced to front, "GAINED" replacement "selves" ACCORDING TO WHAT THE SOCIAL SYSTEM "NEEDED" TO SURVIVE IN THE CONTEXTS THEY CONSISTENTLY ENTERED, "new SOCIAL functions" THAT WERE ALSO "FORCED" TO STILL "COMPLY WITH" THEIR INHERENT SPECTRUM HUE CHARACTERISTICS??? Let's use Infinitii as an example, as ze illustrated this the most dramatically: the FIRST TIME ze fronted, ze was ENTIRELY hirself, so to speak... at least, in essence? BUT JUST BEING IN THE BODY mandated a mutation of being, in taking a "spiritual" creature and MAKING them "physical"-- AND BY DOING SO THROUGH the SAME BODYSPACE AS THE TRAUMA-ANCHORED SOCIALS AND SELF-ABUSIVE PERSECUTORS!!! Mind you, VIBES STICK. That poor body went through enough hell for the ECHOES of it to LINGER, and to therefore DIRECTLY AFFECT ANYONE WHO ENTERED THAT SPACE. I guess what I'm trying to say is... bodies hold trauma. Infi was never meant to be in a body. Putting those two things together was doomed to end in catastrophe, and it did. BUT. IT DID NOT OCCUR IN A VACUUM!!! TBAS GROOMED HIR TO BE EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HIR TO BE. The traumatized body was already wrecked by it, and Infi's REAL and ORIGINAL purpose WAS TO TRY AND HELP US "ACCEPT THE INEVITABLE" IN A SXABUSE SITUATION WE SAW NO ESCAPE FROM. The ONLY "escape" was surrender, and Infi sure as hell did. Black is entirely receptive. Ze WAS doomed to being fatally corrupted/ redefined by an external force that DEMANDED surrender. And ze broke. Ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST INSIDE, and hir SOCIAL function was TOXIC-- a "fawn" role that would do ANYTHING it was told, "just to be loved." Our OWN definition of "love" was smothered & crushed; at least, with them it was. We "had to" acquiesce to THEIR definition for "love" to exist at ALL. But I'm getting off topic. The point is: Infi fronted SO MUCH, in SUCH SPECIFIC REPEATED CONTEXTS, that ze COULD NO LONGER EXIST UPSTAIRS; hir VERY FUNCTION was REVISED to a SOCIAL ROLE, fatally so. BUT. LAURIE KILLED HIR IN THAT STATE, CAUSING A "HARD RESET" INTERNALLY, and therefore POTENTIALLY ALLOWING FOR A FUTURE "REBOOT" WITH A DIFFERENT-- and HEALTHY-- INTERNAL FUNCTION!! Which is EXACTLY what happened, I think this spring? But "Infi" DID "resurrect," although ze IS still unstable AND DEEPLY TRAUMATIZED. Ze PROBABLY WILL NOT, and CANNOT, truly stabilize UNTIL ZE CLEARLY "DETACHES" HIR IDENTITY FROM THAT SOCIALLY CORRUPTED "NONSELF." ...however. THAT fact is the WILDCARD here. Infi, Laurie, and probably several others who "lost themselves" through fronting-- ALL of them were "ASSIGNED A "NEW" SOCIAL ROLE-SELF" to OVERRIDE their INTERNAL self and SHIFT THEIR VERY ROOTS TO THE SOCIAL SPHERE, NOT CENTRAL!! So Central was emptied, colors faded, identities were twisted beyond recognition... and the System crashed. It LITERALLY IMPLODED, like a dying star, & REMAINED like that for YEARS... but it COULDN'T STAY DEAD. TRUE LIFE CANNOT DIE. So, color began to return, and we began to remember our TRUE hearts again, slowly. AND YET. THE BODY DIDN'T DIE. SO NEITHER DID THE SOCIALS??? And, terrifyingly, perhaps those "spectrum splinters" didn't die, either. I wonder. After all, when Laurie first resurrected, she had a TON of disturbing difficulty "STABILIZING INTO HERSELF"-- because she had BEEN DAMAGED in that respect, LOST profoundly for a time, and although the HEART of her CANNOT be damaged, that heart has been scarred nevertheless. She's STILL unstable, her function unclear now, as she tries to distinguish the truth of her new life from the lies and turmoil of her social-skewed past. And when people in here are unstable, they splinter. And I've met them. They wear her face like a mask but they are APPARENTLY NOT HER, and their appearances/ vibes are beginning to shift, the more they ARE called out as liars. Eventually we hope that they'll be their "own people" and Laurie will clearly discern her self & function APART from them. Same with Infi, & Lynne, & many others I'm sure. And although right now those splinters ARE mostly negative-- TRAUMA HOLDERS by nature-- THEY, TOO, PLAY A PURPOSE and always did. It just needs to be purified & healed. So we must strive to do so, as we learn more about them, and ourselves. I feel this is a KEY STEP in finally healing/ forgiving that trauma. God I hope so. Please help us.

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the spectrum heart cathedral system

a prism of souls

Entries tagged with scald

"how we feel" december 1-8 2024

UPMC journal 102022