badthouhts

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Emotional rape is a thing. Okay? It is a thing. It happens.
Rape is defined, most commonly, as "the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse." But it is also defined as "forceful seizure, plundering, robbery, extortion," as well as "to violate and defile."
Do you understand what I mean? And I'm asking myself, first and foremost. I keep glossing over my most terrifying experiences because "well, not all of them involved forced sexual contact"… guess what? That's not the only damn definition of rape.
…
I'm empathic or something, okay? And it is terrible sometimes. I am very sensitive energetically, to the point of physical incapacitation at its worst. Yes, I love people, but I HATE that so many of them make me feel utterly violated just from standing nearby. I'm so damn open and trusting at my heart, that if someone around is giving off bad vibes, so to speak, it's going to feel like rusty nails or grabbing hands or something even worse, LITERALLY so, and how do you explain that to people? How do you say, "well they never literally touched me, but whenever I'm around them it feels like merciless molestation." Because it DOES and it is HORRIFYING and I don’t know how to get help.
This is why we need a new sleeping situation. We NEED one, dear God do we ever need one.
Marigold keeps screaming. We know it's her. Even if we can't see her face, the shrieks that cut through the night are the color of pollen, the color of weeds at the side of the road that choke and stifle your lungs in the stolid autumn air. It's ragweed, not a flower. At her best, yes, she would be the bright color of those happy blooms that lined the streets in SLC, the moments we missed, the color of pretty things in spring. But right now her screams feel like weeds suffocating. And we always know it is her. And it breaks our hearts.
Minty used to be our sleeper, that's why we still cuddle a Care Bear when we lie down, to keep that connection to her. But she gets so annoyed with the sleeping situation, she can't relax much. At least she isn't triggered. Thank God.
There was another little boy, once, who tried to sleep. But he's since faded.
Jay, really, is our main sleeper. He only truly exists in solitude, in headspace, in quiet moments and peace. But there's a lot fighting his very existence. "Don't do that," the bad voices say, when he tries to be affectionate, when he tries to re-enter headspace, when he tries to think about loving others. "Don't do that. It's wrong. It's distasteful." And, "you're a fag. You're a whore. You're a slut." I won't repeat the other things they say, they're horrible. And THOSE cause huge body shakes and trmors too, from the force of their words and shouts and awful physical manipulations, it's scary because they can literally cause us to feel things that are AWFUL and what can we do? We can only run. But Jay has a few safe spaces left to run to, if he can get to them safely. It just makes our daily life very spaced out, we spend most of it in our own head, the world of open eyes and physical objects can be far too damaging to deal with some days.
But Jay is the one who lies down at night. He says good-night to his boss, and talks to Laurie and CZ and maybe Infi before letting go and falling right asleep. But it's a loving environment. It's very safe, and the people are caring, and he is totally open and sharing.
And even now, in saying that, the bad voices are glaring with hate and disgust and condemnation. "You're a f*cking faggot!" Is what they say, when Jay smiles and tries to hold someone. Even just affectionately. They always guilt-trip him for it. "It's filthy," they say, "filthy and wrong. You're f*cking disgusting. Look at you. Just like a f*cking animal." Again I won't repeat the things they say. But they are saying this about childlike affection, and about mature love, come on you KNOW there is NOTHING WRONG with expressions of love because it's LOVE. And the bad voices still spit and hiss and make faces of hate at us. Go away.
Anyway. Jay is the most open of us all. He is the most loving of us all when he is allowed to be his complete self, him and Infi, because they are both rooted in that. But… it's difficult for them to exist sometimes.
At night. The sleeping situation. It is very bad, and I think it is what is making Jay so sad and closed-off to people. He sleeps with another triggering person in the bed. It is not his choice, or his fault. But she doesn't always touch. That is rare thankfully it is scary and bad, lots of people crying about that in the background, "don't remind us," I'm sorry but we need to acknowledge that maybe we can heal it? I don't know. But even when she does nothing, it is the presence, the sounds, the movement. And it is scary. The energy she gives off it is BAD feeling. VERY bad feeling.
And since Jay is trying so hard to be a good person during that time, but he'll get hurt by her either energetically or physically, it sticks. And then he can't be nice to people without that being reminded of it all the time. What do we do?


"Sexual assault is not defined by how violent an act is; some assaults are extremely violent, and others may be less aggressive. How fierce the attacker is, is not the point. The point is whether you had given voluntary consent for the type of treatment you experienced. Consent means that you were in the right state of mind, permitted to make choices without fear, and with a full understanding of the type of treatment you were agreeing to. If you were not allowed these conditions and choices, then someone mistreated you."
…I didn't know all that counted towards consent. I thought that as long as I ended up saying "yes" it was consent. That's what the word means, right? I didn’t know that fear, or misunderstanding, or being in a bad state could make the "yes" into a real "no." But isn't it funny? I never, ever actually said "yes." I said "no" a lot. But the word doesn't mean much if people don't listen. Maybe other people said yes. I don't know. I'm sick. I don't want to think about it.


Maybe I'm too damn weak. Maybe that’s all it boils down to. I never grew the sort of horrid metal shell that the world seemed to demand of me, and was left walking around the world with all my vulnerable parts exposed, getting pierced and bleeding everywhere whenever someone so much as bumped into me. Because even that hurts like hell.
Isn't that a disgusting word. "Vulnerable." Part of it is the consonant structure. The other part is the meaning. It's tied to those stupid, horrid, ugly parts of the body, that we keep hidden for God knows what reason. Yes it hurts when you touch them. It hurts so much we'd rather die. But we'd much sooner hand someone a knife and tell them to cut those parts off, to cut those ugly bits out. Get rid of them. Then we won't be "vulnerable" anymore, not in that stupid-ass f*cking disgusting sense. Real vulnerability is emotional and has nothing to do with sex, has nothing to do with victimization, has nothing to do with attackers and trauma and bloodied metal getting sliced into pink places. And I hate, hate, HATE when people talk about being open and vulnerable like it has to do with this godforsaken body, all curves like it's going to smother you alive. I hate curves. I HATE them. I hate them, they're horrible, I want to cry just thinking about them. She had SO MANY of them, looking at her was like asphyxiating, I know it wasn't her fault and I'm sorry for being afraid of her but she told us, "how dare you," how dare you think and say that about me, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you looked just like everything we were terrified of, was that my fault? Is it my fault she was hurt? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe people like me caused it I'm sorry.
Stop thinking like that. Stop. Give it no attention. Not like that.

Femininity, in the physical sense, is poison. You have probably guessed.
We don't know exactly why, but the idea of a female as protective and caring never happened for us. For us, females were manipulative, overpowering, and dangerous, often violently so. Females would hurt you if you did not bend to their whim. Females called the shots and told you what to do, when to do it, and how. Say no and they would hurt you. But the biggest fear was when they acted nice, and they still FELT dangerous.
That's what we mean by the… emotional assault thing. Like it's silly on the outside, but for us it's problematic and scary and sad.
We feel things too easily? Like if someone is really mad but not showing it, and they walk by us, we will feel that and react. Like it hurts a LOT and some of us get very scared and cry, some panic, some scream and want to get out of there. And that person will look at us bad, like "what are you doing?" angry, "if I do not like what you are doing you will be in trouble." That is what the feeling feels like, when they look at us, like we are on the spot. Are we in danger? I don't know. But that person feels so very dangerous we don't want to be by them at all.
That is why none of us like being in the body at night especially. The bed is dangerous, SO dangerous, I want to cry, thinking we have to go there every night.
Every damn night. That horrible woman is there and I hate her. Why? I know she's never done a damn thing to hurt me in THAT way. If she did I'd kill her, and I don't think I could help it, even if I hated myself. That would be the last straw. But she's come DAMN CLOSE, and you people know it. You're talking about emotional rape? Have you mentioned all the times she utterly disregards personal space to do so? The touching in utterly inapproproiate places, with her not realizing that IS highly inapproproaite and triggering? Have you mentioned the horrible sounds she makes? Even if those are unintentional. But we've heard too many similar sounds in lethal situations. I guess that's a bad example. But the radiation she gives off, it's toxic. She's hateful and angry. And I HATE-- I hate hate hate, I f*cking hate it, God, I HATE IT when she looks at me. I fucking HATE WHEN SHE LOOKS at me it's horrible. I don't know how to explain it. It's like she's violating us with a stare. Like that look is a condemnation. It's proud and it's spiteful and it's like dripping poison. But sharp. Like she took a spider made of sharp edges and shoved it into our ribcage, writhing and piercing. That's how horrible it feels. And then she watches us, with that FACE, watches us, and waits for us to respond in kind. F*CK YOU. I won't play your f*cking hatred games. Leave us alone.

We dnon't like speeking in the bed because she is there and she fels angry and bad sa.d like we cant sleep because too loud noise from her energetically
It's not right. It's not even tied to you guys in that respect.
Some of us do. All right? I don't know what happened to cause it, but some of us DO hold very explicit sexual abuse memories so lying in bed next to a woman is NOT the safest place in the world, you know. I don't feel safe there either. I know she has clothes on but it doesn't feel like it. I feel trapped there, pinned down by blankets, with this woman ready to violate me entirely at any second. I'm scared, and I'm so so sorry that the children feel some of that too. Marigold screams. I don't know what to do. David doesn't want to wake up anymore. The mother hurt him somehow. I know if you had to share a bed with the mother you would get up and leave the room and go cry somewhere until your lungs hurt. I know.
You won't talk about the triggers, those should be mentioned. We will have to bring this up in therapy nevertheless. The mother is an absolute collection of triggers, so to speak, for reasons I cannot quite place. Was it all proximity to Julie? Why do I have no memories of that stored in the data logs? Either way that is not the topic at hand, I apologize.
I also apologize, again. I cannot list the triggers without overwhelming shame reactions, as well as intense rage, fear, and loathing, from the traumatized voices. I will simply say they are all sensory-based, and cover the entire set. That is all.
why are there so many triggers what did she do
I don't know, David. I don't know, and I'm sorry.



The eating disorders won't go away either. They say nothing does until you've learned what you need to from it. Unfortunately every damn day some new facet of this awful addiction shows itself. I guess that's better than being completely blind.
First you really have to look at the main people tied to it: Emmett, Spice, and The Destroyer. All three of them have entirely different motivations and reasons for being shackled to such a thing. Spice and Emmett have been discussed extensively in the past, with Emmett being bulimic and Spice effectively being orthorexic. However, as of late, the therapist wonders if the bulimia is tied to sexual abuse in some way, to which we would have to say no, at least not literally. But few things in our System are literal.
Nevertheless, the Destroyer seems to be the root, and she confuses us. Her sole motivation in the EDs has been simply, "destroy it," hence her name. There has been a long-standing compulsion to do so, but due to childhood programming, simply throwing out unwanted or "dangerous" food was considered shameful and deserving of condemnation. However, although some voices are distressed by this, the Destroyer does NOT work on this level. This was baffling for a while, but today we discovered a process in the actions tied to her.
1. Find a food that "can be destroyed" or "deserves to be destroyed." It MUST be safe (attempts to destroy unsafe food in the past resulted in very painful consequences).
2. Destroy it, via the teeth. Chew it up until it is mangled.
3. Spit it out. Do not swallow anything if you can help it.
4. Repeat as much as possible.
5. If needed, destroy the food by other means, such as adding too much seasonings, baking it until it burns, waterlogging it, etc.
6. When no longer edible by any means, throw it outside.
7. Vomit up as much as possible.
Do you see how strange that is? Yes, ED voices often have biting compulsions due to stress being stored in the teeth, but this only used that fact as a tool. So what was she doing? Why would this cycle continue even when every other voice was demanding for her to stop, when the other ED voices were screaming in rage at the consumption or crying that they were in pain, when the body itself was sick and filthy from hours being spent at this? Why? And why would there be such a strange need to destroy things-- things that "deserved" it in some sense-- and then throw them away when they were reduced to mere mangled garbage?
Well, if it is tied to sexuality even on a subconscious level, that makes perfect sense. The parallels are obvious.
It's sick.
We think there are two more ED people too. Different voices keep answering when we ask about it. They're strong enough to have vague faces but no solid identity yet. But we don't know. It's so tiring.

We're so sick. So sick.
We keep throwing up. Over and over and over. It hurts too much to keep anything down. But it's the lesser of two evils really. Think about it, if we kept that down, think of the consequences! Of the pain.
IT'S POISON. DON'T PUT
GET IT OUT GET IT OUT.
Destroy it. Don't touch it in the first place. It's garbage.
More than anything the problem is the weight. We said that. When there's something there, it's horrifying,

Someone keeps having weird abusive meltdowns. Like we've never had this so frequent before, and we're so good at hiding it that no one knows, even the good therapist doesn't seem to believe us when we say "this is really happening," because stupid buffer, STUPID BUFFER, it makes everything "socially acceptabke" f*ck you. guess what LOTS of us aren't "socially acceptable" so we're not allowed out isn't that STUPID!!!!!

But someone shakes things and throws physical tantrums not with talking but with weird shaking and not seeing and scary. Just throwing the body around like it s a doll and no one in it. Then bad headaches and sick and hurt. Because they throw it around.
No cutting, Knife said no, Algorith said no it "hurts like hell" to clean all the blood, so no. Plus weird swelling last time, hyperventilating for an hour, lots got scared
happened once before 3am bad morning killed people
long ago
No one is allowed to scream. The body dysphoria would spike and we'd get suicidal because of the horrible voice of the abuser shrieking. So no screaming. No talking if can too.
Mirrors bad
don’t look at it thank you
we just want to be happy can we get rid of bad thing? how why it there still

jay's work is good the dream world is so good, so happy and bright makes us happy.
hope there. lots of hope

but here bad voices yelling today all time. saying bad things. scary. call us animal.
not here now because us. scared of us many of us. laurie makes them run good! go away we don’t needyou beaing mean. sorry that’s rude don’t mean to

It's not rude, they're f*cking ridiculous and you have every right to speak up to them.

brain freeze whoa
not
its hard to type sorry. going to close this up
no idea whats in this entry at all??? welp guess well find out
bye