042523

Apr. 25th, 2023 10:13 pm
prismaticbleed: (Default)

rough phone notes for today because our schedule is a disaster and this is the only way we're going to get updates in. 

dream:
Animorphs survival terror nightmare = i  was tobias? endless enclosed bleach-white metal stairs, transforming into ants, Dishonored sneak vibe with butler/president on 6th floor? trains outside? everything felt apocalyptic.
other dream: Klonoa book? red. on shelf. company talking to brothers about the game, i was doing household chores and they ignored me, no one even called me in. i was FURIOUS SOBBING, we are never that emotive in dreams, as we're never conscious-- but this was JEWEL. "don't you understand that game IS my life"
later, in a theater? some sort of "year by year major events" timeline. 1998 came up, Sonic Adventure movie mention! i was glad they mentioned it, but then there was a little eyecatch of all the main characters, and Chaos 0 made a notable cameo. i remember being so happy at how well he was drawn/portrayed, but then feeling this incredibly honest rush of joy in my heart at seeing him. like, peace set ablaze. again, we haven't felt any emotion that clear in months.

woke up at 645
SO TIRED.

SHJ Mass
Couldn't stop worrying over mom junk. afraid of how she keeps trying to get us to spend hours, if not days, up that horrific house. considering "bailing" like astra, moving out of state again. admitted this was a rash thought, but also admitted that we were just that scared.
So much fear & anxious anger. didn't want mom "shackling us to THAT life and THAT face" etc. we CANNOT EXIST AROUND HER and absolutely not in that traumacage of a house.
being around her makes us "stuck in past", destroys sense of self
kept begging God to help us let go and forgive
praying "Jesus YOU take care of it" but couldn't let go of the terror. why?

ran to QOTA for 8
Adoration morning until 10 exactly
SO DISSOCIATED THOUGH.
oh well. silver lining because if it was that bad we would NEVER have been able to pray it alone

CANNON TRIGGERED OUT BY THE DRAGONFRUIT WATER.
we keep forgetting that's all she drank at MU, she would never eat. just the vitamin water.
and she LEGIT FRONTED for a bit. it was surreal. she seems to be TIMELOCKED too.

Walmart stop for some household needs
Genesis & the candle aisle
SO HARD to front. kept getting shoved out by socials. utterly exhausting.

Gas station
SPINNY SELF-NAMEDROP!!!!!!!

Home for 11 or so
SOCIALLY WRECKED. Could not ground or center.

Saying our daily group prayers
MIDSPACERS SHOWED UP??????????
Got our attention because they brought Addy in
FELT THE LEVEL "SHIFT." haven't felt that in literal YEARS. "midspace" has been EMPTY SINCE 2018.
NIENNA, VEIL, MULBERRY!!!!!!!
Then JEREMIAH showed up too!!! Body started to quietly cry & shake from him; Wreckage tightly held his hand; Sugar showed up with swords to pray with him
Sharona & Julie feeling heartache at this; they're responsible for his being so traumatized
Jewel kissing hands "that strike for healing" = Knife, Razor, Julie, Laurie, Sharona. all of them profoundly moved, showed it in strikingly different ways

BTW Infi is still MIA. Feels like war in a sense. Still melting bleeding dying in that greenspace.
But remember Jay talking heart2heart w hir yesterday: "I DON’T WANT TO DIE" for the sake of that loving togetherness

Still no Celebi baby news btw. Remember it's IN THE EGG.

Finally BK prep at noon T____T

At one point Leon flat-out called himself Scalpel's boyfriend, forget context, it was a humorous self-referencing bit though

Scalpel FEELING THINGS about cutting eggs again. the "latent retributor" instinct buried in his name.
Knife inviting him to use his namesake
Said he wasn't sure.
Also saying he wouldn't bail on Phlegmoni bc they're bros

Mimic called out & admitting to global thought access; learning to roll with it & even coerce it? "Intel" he didn't have to hunt down. "Strategic." Laurie says she actually supports him in this searching out, however subtly sneaky, but with a solemn smile warned him "you just might learn something you wish you could forget."
Mim notably glanced at all her bandages then said "fair point"

Sharona VERY disturbed by & disowning name. Mother triggers corrupting her.
she was looking for alternatives online but the problem is, her name was tied to PHONETIC VIBES. the way it "feels" in our mouth is all danger. and that's HER vibe, her function. certain letters are mandatory. so she's upset.

Decided to do laundry to combat the inevitable after-eating nausea+panic
Made it worse
Allbran binge attempt stopped immediately
Still purged from sheer nerves
don't remember any of it. head is a blur and a static shred.
very quickly resolved and fixed though.

sat down at the table by the window, just tried to breathe and find headspace again. find myself.
went upstairs and tried to just start scripture study again.
mimic looked at me for a second, saw how distraught i was, neither of us said anything
and then
he just reached over and tightly squeezed my hand.
now listen
for months now the big thing with him has been personal space. "don't touch me" etc. "why are you standing so close" etc. don't invade his sphere. making me realize how much of our "instinct" behavior in that respect IS disturbing and IS programmed. but then there are honest actions, like laurie leaning on everyone's shoulders, and scalpel's beaming half-hugs, and my always wanting to grab people's hands when i'm especially distressed for some reason.
mimic has NEVER initiated ANY sort of contact. especially not like this.
it was just a second, then he went right back to his indigo-affect tone and "so are we going to finish up this chapter or what" etc. but he cared.
i mean God knows i care a lot about him, about everybody, but reciprocation is different. and yes on some late and/or catastrophic nights he's spit out that yeah fine we do matter to him, don't know why though, etc. but he's never just let it show before. always deflecting and self-deprecating and watering it down.
so. that meant worlds to me.

DN at 5pm, right on time haha
Studying Mark's parables.
shoutout to the HPB translation always, don't know why my brain loves it but it works

neighbors flooding the air with that detergent smell again. but i just thought, "man i'm glad i'm alive TO smell that." completely different response from the allergy-fear frustration earlier.
Really feeling "I was given life, so that I may enjoy all things"

Many distractions as we tried to clean up
Mom text, chopsticks, color psychology, catholicism inevitably
laundry messed up schedule & got us all confused

Julie talking to Adelaide

joking about the pillowcases
julie ALSO helping with laundry. don't know why the spectrumind keeps pushing her out to help but man, she DOES. thank God for her.

forget what happened as i was trying to brush the body's teeth. talking upstairs. but then this:
Mimic comment "hey. The funny farm called. Your rent is overdue."
Laurie "hey man that's high praise, you could've said we owed em a mortgage"
Mimic "yeah, I could have... but that's what you owe the loony bin"

Chaos SHAMELESS FLIRTING WTF DUDE it's been years

continuing the 2012 archiving. determined to get this nightmare of a year done so we can get into the paradoxical heaven of 2013. that's when people started to wake up remember

btw xenophon being an angel today. felt like i didn't see her as much as usual, but her presence stands out as sweeter than usual nevertheless. she kept me hopeful and smiling despite everything.


prismaticbleed: (held)



Quick daily update to get back into this habit.
It's hard to get back into a headspace mindset after coming home & working in the family mindset for a few hours, but like I said, practice always helps.



- Work today consisted of scuffpadding a really weirdly shaped fender piece, which had so many odd turns and curves and gaps that it took almost the full three hours to complete.

- Found out upon walking in the door to work that David Bowie passed away. Dad & mom both introduced me to his music as a kid so his influence has been a fixture in my audial history; even if I never became as big a fan as they were, I always appreciated his immense talent, prolific output, and unique creativity. So the news still hit heavy.

- Went shopping today, first time I can remember doing so in this new year. Since we just overcame our third sickness bout in the past year-- totally unheard of; normally we don't get sick ever-- we knew something was majorly up, and really the basic concern rounds down to the current internalized lie of "I only deserve to eat garbage." We're still not entirely sure how that began, let alone when, but it's probably just a consolidation of all the negative self-talk rolled into tangible treatment. Either way, we know how to heal it, which is patience and compassion and kindness... and courageous honor. So we went shopping and even our eating-disorder alters are cooperating now, having learned empathy and self-care well enough to want to get better, so they didn't go for any addictions or compulsions or desperate coping mis-mechanisms-- and even better, ALL THE DATA STUCK!! We used to have to keep meticulous food journals and receipt logs and things just to remember what we bought, what it tasted like, if it made us sick, how it made us sick, etc... but now that we're working WITH the alters who FEEL and EXPERIENCE those things... we no longer have to work so strenuously just to stay healthy, because their part of this data isn't locked out from us anymore. In short: those headvoices can tell us instantly what foods make us sick AND how, and because they're gaining inside roots, they are now unwilling to eat those things because they can feelthe bad consequences now AND don't want anyone else to feel them either.

- We did mess up a little, buying some foods that WOULD have been very good for us IF someone didn't absolutely choke them in cinnamon and Stevia. Apparently they tried this once BUT it was in a stressful home environment so no data stuck and they didn't experience it, and wanted to try again because "they thought it was good." Unfortunately they didn't check past data first, which clearly says that overuse of cinnamon causes EXTREME nausea instantly, as does those lentil chips they decided to buy (which no one actually likes, but it's that weird mindset of "we used to like lentils years ago, so we still should, right?" tied to family teachings that keeps us repeating this error in ignorance). So somebody junked it, which was 100% endorsed this time because we actually ended up vomiting from actual sickness instead of trauma fear.
Someone also got gluten-free pancake mix as another "data says this seemed good once and i'm not sure so i want to try again" compulsion, which wasn't too bad because that + a small coconut oil was only $2 at this store (talk about a deal right). The problem? They didn't check the food diary, which EXPLICITLY states that "pancakes are carbs+oil and ALWAYS make us vomit from heavy nausea; this has been tested extensively." Unfortunately whoever bought it didn't have that data and no one else had such clear access on hand? (I think Overload and her "sister" hold that rage knowledge but I'm not sure; we need to check) Anyway they weren't too bad, but 80% of them was still junked and they DID make us sick so that cannot happen again, it's a waste of time and money and health.

- Mom got really sick at work? Apparently she got the flu or something, but was so dehydrated from fluid loss that she almost passed out and had to go to the ER? I only got vague details during a storm of yelling when I got home so I don't know for sure, but that made us sick to our stomach with worry for a good part of the day (both the news and the shouting).

- When we got home from therapy the brother started another "you're a liar, you're a manipulator, you're all wearing masks and I want to 'playfully knock them off' for your own good" argument, laced with his reaction style of "i don't believe anything you tell me because all you do is lie to me and you all betray me and i can't trust any of you and you're all terrible people/ monsters/ etc." I don't know. He's unbearable lately, in a sad way. We try, but his vibe is SO NEGATIVE, he brings a storm cloud wherever he goes, no matter how patient and careful we are with him now.
Anyway I don't really remember the argument because we were trying to make pancakes at the time and angry alters are NOT allowed to talk to him anymore (so as not to exacerbate anything), so who ended up talking to him but JENNIFER, and she's such a sweetheart; her reaction to one of his harsh accusations was to ask him if he was okay, because his intent went totally over her head and she didn't realize it was meant to be offensive. Anyway she tried, Lord knows that dear girl tried her best to talk to him for the next ten minutes, but apparently it didn't work. All I'm aware of is that she kept saying "I do care, I keep telling you that, why do you keep saying I'm lying??" and his response was "because you are! All you do is lie to me! No one in this house cares!!" even though we ALL DO and tell him EVERY DAY that we do and SHOW HIM THAT on top of it. But he's blinding himself to it, I suppose.
Anyway it was a long conversation/argument and I could probably find data on it if I looked but the vibe is making me nauseous, and I'm just aware that it concluded with the brother giving us one last scathing remark and leaving in a boiling huff, while Jennifer actually started crying and asked Laurie why he was being so mean to her, and not listening when she tried to talk to him. She was really hurt by the fact that the brother outright refused to speak civilly to her. Laurie told her it wasn't her fault, she was as honest and kind as she could have possibly been, and she was proud of her-- but then Laurie told her to not let it get to her, and come back inside, so she could recover. So Jayce ended up finishing the pancakes and then Jess ended up eating them I think but around that switch-time is when our memory basically blacks out until about 8pm.

- All I know is that we must have been stressed or scared again because the next thing I remember, we're kneeling on the bedroom floor making inkblots. GOOD. They are the MOST RELAXING THING IN THE WORLD and are arguably our favorite form of art, period. So we made six of them, with one extra attempt not working, but the successful ones are lovely. I'm really so glad we're getting back into art.

- Lately, at home, we've not been tapping into headspace because of family stress BUT when we're not in a low vibe state, our main "fronter" is tending to be that one "individual" who has no face or name or even solid self, but who gets the GUIDES as "voices" and who talk to her(?) constantly while she works/ acts/ etc.? They said that "we can't do what headspace can and they can't do what we can" so no one's losing out, it's just different needs in different contexts and times. So that's good.
But these voices are NICE and VERY HELPFUL and EXTREMELY INTUITIVE and they never do us wrong, they actually do some shockingly helpful/ synchronistic things when we actually listen, which is something that fronter does absolutely as they HAVE no "self" to clash with motives and doubts and things.
We're wondering if said "fronter" holds the theoretical CLEAR slot in the Spectrum, which is something we're wondering if we can integrate for the sake of Spectrumizing the faceless/nameless ones who nevertheless work with us for our benefit? Like an "embryonic" Color, notsomuch a placeholder as a transitional status? Like a flight layover, is the feeling I get. It's somewhere they need to be right now, but it's not their final destination IF they're meant for a "destination," which would be Headspace, and which may not be "meant" for many of the Clears, especially not this one, as Headspace is very personal-growth oriented internally BUT this specific fronter deals with a sort of "personal" growth that feels more broad? Like it's "global;" it's helping the entire System eventually as it's dealing with baseline roots of behavior and tendencies, overcoming selfishness and doubt and the "old girls" habits... but it's, again, more passive. Her existence is literally just listening to the guide-voices and obeying; it's fine and it's very beneficial in the big picture BUT it has a "soft and foggy" feeling like a rainy spring haze, this fronter CANNOT exist apart from those voices, she CAN'T make her own choices or hold a color as her existence is PASSIVE. Does that make sense?
Anyway I'm very glad that alter/ voice/ whatever they count as exists. They have a very good heart and having someone like that SO strongly tied to not just the body but also the physical existence at large, gives us massive hope for our physical future at large as well. We always feared the only body-locked alters were abusive, but this Clear person is an absolute beacon of light pointing at a beautiful negation of that fear. There is an alternative and they are living proof.

- We cleaned up a bit of our room as stress has been making us too tired/depressed to really tidy things, and that's feeding the negative loop. So we put every book back on a shelf that belongs there, organized our miscellany drawer (which literally contains just Power Gear, toothpaste, soap, fingerless gloves, old hard drives, bell spheres, a Celebi plate, crisis hotline cards, and a handful of ancient virtual pets), organized the top of our shared-with-grandmother dresser (mostly religious papers there), and dusted off the top of our workspace with all the candles on it. So things look much nicer now and that helps us feel nicer! The next big project is to do the work in the three current piles on our desk (1. Dream World design work, 2. read a copy each of Psychology Today and Smithsonian that we borrowed and need to return Thursday, and 3. a big pile of dream journal entries and other misc notes that need to be typed in) so that can be put away at last. The only "perma-mess" at the moment is our painting space, which is currently half covered in paint bottles and half covered in stuff we're trying to sell on eBay. So. One thing at a time, really.


- Therapy today was interesting because we didn't discuss much, but a lot happened? We finished reading dec 30's entry last Thursday, but Jackie walked in to therapy and when we got her out we had to explain that she's our "default social person" as she's a "publically acceptable extrovert" and doesn't have bad moods, BUT she still counts as a manic even if she's learning to be nice and cooperative, which basically just means that she can't really grasp "bluer emotions" in herself or others. SO, having her front for the morning was probably a "defense instinct" since we didn't have open time to cope with/ untangle the stress & anxiety from that morning (mom sick, family shouting, brother yelling in general), and couldn't carry that with us in public as we wouldn't be able to think/ function/ reason properly. So now that we were in therapy, we had to switch to introverted people, who may not hold ANY memory of what Jackie did, and maybe even only came out in therapy-like environments.
Jay came out first, of course, but this was brief, and he handed her a printout of the second half of jan 3rd's entry, somewhat edited for relevance.
And our memory of that is very fuzzy becase halfway down the first page, KNIFE CAME OUT to listen instead of anyone else. I'm really not sure why? Something caught his attention and he decided why not be there, so he was. His overlay is INCREDIBLY SOLID which is amazing, and keeps him in so much that he can even talk to people AND LOOK AT THEM. Very few people in our System can do that because it often causes instinctive overlay destruction (the knee-jerk "become that person instead of yourself" programming), but Knife apparently is untouched by that. So he stayed out, his fangs and hair and coat crystal clear in memory, and he was listening to our therapist read Jay's words about the Tar-based alters seeing love as shameful and Knife just started crying. Silently, and with marked suppression-- he couldn't weep outright in the office, that's still something we don't feel is proper-- but other than that, he was not hiding his emotional response, and THANK GOD FOR THIS GUY. His presence alone, his actions alone there, probably helped melt a great deal of that lingering emotional numbing on that level for ALL of us.
So Knife stayed for at least ten solid minutes which is amazing, talking as well as he could (he keeps picking up a vaguely British accent-- which fits as it softens the sounds of words and Knife absolutely does not speak with an American accent anyway) and making eye contact and everything; really I'm ecstatically shocked by all that.
So then Jay came out because it was almost time to leave and I think the topic changed, but he came out in his "rainbow-drip" state, a.k.a. the side that's always grinning and flirty and confident and super-bright, BUT who also runs the risk of being that too much and hitting Plague danger. Anyway he talks a lot because he's so enthusiastic and interested in everything, and he was just joyously talking about how he could feel Knife's overlay residue and he "holds himself like a bookcase" and he was summarizing how full of love and amazement he was about feeling the "richness of Headspace" in the physical again, like we did for basically all of 2014 in therapy, with learning new things like handwriting and finding so many hidden alters/voices in the process. But it was lovely, it really was.

- Jay switched back to the "normal" Jay after we left as he was getting too bright, and that only took a second or three but Laurie's eyes widened and she immediately exclaimed "dude your hair just reversed direction." So apparently, saturated-Jay has the old-style Celebi hairstyle, while iridescent-Jay has the fluffy-in-front hair that's closer to the Jayce bloodline style? Hair is always a tricky thing as it's so hair-trigger specific, pun fully intended, but that was almost a tangible shift so that's at least one huge good tell-apart for the Cores.

- Interestingly and very noteworthily, when we got out to the car, I guess we still needed to de-manic ourself and who decided to come out and do that but KYANOS?? And he SPOKE!!! He has NEVER spoken before, and Laurie immediately told him to at least introduce himself on the voice recorder, so he did. His voice is high-pitched and notably breathy, but it's not scary or sighing, it's quite pretty actually. However, voice style doesn't change voice tone, and the body voice still sounds too much like the manic girls, so that jarred Kyanos out of fronting. Laurie took over quickly as she's got a voice that's not too jarring in the body, and her overlay is MUCH more solid than Kyanos's... but even she got shaken up after about 20 seconds, and then to everyone's surprise, JAVIER took over. And he had NO PROBLEM TALKING. His voice-style isn't too different from the body but it feels different? It has a tighter pronunciation? Like it feels more "narrow" in shape, although it's the same range, and he speaks words with more sharpness or crispness or something. It's cool. But he was able to stay out and drive for at least five minutes, until we had to run a store errand and he ended up switching out (he can't do publicity yet) and Genesis helped whoever was fronting then (if anyone solid).
Memory from then to the pancake incident is almost completely gone, but I do know that at some point on the way home, we were listening to Burial by Seinabo Sey again (we adore it) and, since Genesis doesn't like Ruby singing as she turns everything too manic/ performative and therefore disrespects the song, who ended up coming out to sing but ZWEI.
WE HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN SEVERAL MONTHS. We actually were worrying that she as dead. But no, she came right out with her cute trademark voice and she sang that song better than Ruby can, haha.
Einsatz followed her out and by then I know we were almost home because he had a bit of trouble getting an overlay in, and he was running music through himself as usual but he gets so into it that he was having trouble with the car and we had to have him switch out.
(BTW Nienna only sings in formal environments (mostly church), Jay only sings if he can make it something very personal and non-performative (or at church if Xenophon asks him to), Ruby sings for manic fun/performance, Zwei sings just for the playful fun of it, and then there's STILL that one rare guy who sings like Ruby but is a bit of a diva, and then one of our male church fronters also sings I think. Anyway there are many of us.)
(LATER EDIT I checked records and apparently our memory got weird around the grocery shopping bit because GARRISON FRONTED to talk into the voice recorder for several minutes??? Apparently his voice works even better than Javier's does in the body, so he took full advantage of that both to keep us grounded in headspace and to give a proper, knowledgeable full recap of therapy when no one else could. So that's very noteworthy and I'm proud of him because he tends to get nervous but apparently he has NO NERVES about fronting in public which is HUGE; a lot of people freak out and hide back inside.)


Now we're listening to David Bowie's two most recent (technically two last) albums for the sake of his memory, and considering taking a break to maybe get back into digital art a bit in a few minutes. A bit at a time, like I said.

Good night, everyone.

 




prismaticbleed: (Default)
1024


- Woke up this morning so depressed I didn’t want to get out of bed. Even worse, I woke up to SCREAMING in the kitchen for about two hours. It got so bad at one point I almost started to panic because I thought my grandfather was going to get a heart attack from how he was shouting at my mother to stop and she kept ignoring him and screaming back at him, nonstop, over and over. I wanted to vomit.

- At some point during this my grandmother walks into the room with a terrifically battered cardboard box, smothered in tape, and says “this is for you.” Immediately, the inner vibe of the room hit the roof. This is why.

I told you she wanted to come back.
Chaos 0 said he didn’t mind sharing the bed with her too so we all snuggled in under the blankets and just tried to relax and cope with the family situation. It helped, to at least have such a strong feeling of affection and belonging there, if nowhere else at the moment.

- Sat on the other side of the church today due to reserved seating, immediately started to get context “flashbacks” to Christmas and the childhood??? Why was this? Anyway it was really nice, everything felt gold. “Jophael” fronted for a bit again as a result, Nienna came out to sing too. “Jay” (the broader sense of the name? ALL the White people right now go by that name) was also being “pushed out,” but the overlay was VERY angelic, notably no hair, just all wings sloping back. I know Jay Iridos has been “feeling funny” about hair lately (no style seems to fit, too many person-locked old ones) so that was interesting as it fit. Also no mouth? If there was one it would have been vertical?? And glowy eyes, not so much ‘crying’ as ‘leaking’ glowy white-gold energy. Interesting stuff anyway.

- Binge-eater voice out again after church. Upsetting because that’s evidently a coping mechanism to fight the profound crushing depression/ loneliness/ rejection the socials feel. Also whoever this certain E.D. alter is, she’s not hateful and she really does want to enjoy what she’s eating, but it STILL makes the body sick and vomiting after, which makes her VERY distraught and THAT’S why she keeps trying—she’s just trying to be a normal kid, eating something she enjoys that makes her feel comfortable (childhood memory comfort I think. Seeking that feeling of acceptance), and the result is pain and nausea and throwing up? “This shouldn’t be happening,” she thinks, and she wants to FIX IT.

- Julie fronting while exercising. I didn’t realize how solid and comfortable her overlay is in the body. It’s surprising, really nice even. She was thinking about what it would be like to LIVE as herself, struck me as notable that one of her first thoughts was “where would I buy a costume bra” because “the body is male” and then I realized hey wait a minute. It’s technically not as we’re transgender, but the fact that it REGISTERS as such with at least the Centralites is a VERY GOOD THING.

 

 

 



prismaticbleed: (worried)

 

 

Ended up getting a hacker to hack themselves today. Not entirely by accident. I feel sorry for 'em really.
But it worked for Julie, I'm sick of this happening, so I told this kid, fine, do whatever the hell you want, but I am NOT letting you lose sight of what the hell you're doing for an instant.
And the kid was scared. This hacker, this actual
kid, was scared and TOLD me they didn't want to be doing this, they didn't really want any of this, they were confused, and I let them KNOW that. I SHOWED them how they were being lied to. I TRIED to get them the heck out of there and they almost listened to me damn it, they almost did, but... they had a choice. And they made a choice out of fear and self-doubt and sick obligation but it was a choice.
Now they want to die and I don't know where the heck they went but...

Before all that I stopped them from committing suicide. They were trying. They found our gutting knife and they were about to use it for a pretty bloody similar reason. I had to throw the thing aside to get them to stop. Then the hack hell happened.
But now I now. At least one of these kids, this "androgyne" or whoever we were calling hir, they were only hacking because they were lost and full of despair and hopelessness. I wanna say self-hatred but it wasn't quite. The one who others call "Jess" has the self-hatred, but she's not a hacker, she's an abuser.

God what am I even doing. The body's sick, we're trying our best here, summer makes it hard.



Nienna was out today during church, singing. Jemma was fronting for a bit before that, not sure why her, but she was. Chocoloco was there. When Nienna came out she just gently nudged Jemma aside for a bit, was singing with an arm around her shoulders, Jemma said that was fine. There was a tangible "shift" from left to right when Nienna left, we haven't "felt" a switch that softly but strongly since Laurie yanked "Jewel" out of fronting back in SLC, and that was painful.
But it's interesting. Nienna cannnot/ does not talk unless she is singing. Specifically, she can't "sing" a conversation either; if she wanted to sing-talk it has to be applicable lyrics from existing songs? I have no idea, this is new stuff. Nienna's been getting a surprisingly solid anchor over the past few months, which is lovely, as when she first appeared we thought she would fade out quickly. Not so!
Christina was with them too, reading mass stuff in the innerworld (specifically the petitions). She still has that little chapel-crypt in the Underground levels, in the old areas where everything is mostly stone. It looks very very similar to the chapel in St Ann's locally... I'll have to take a photo of it when the novena starts soon. I love it there, it smells so profoundly comforting, all candles and wood and incense. That smell is "home," it's not motherly but it's that same sort of needed "belonging" feeling. I adore it. It's an amber-gold smell.
The black guy with dreadlocks was out again during mass too. I think his color is gold. He's all gold and crystal drops, no idea who he is but he's got a STRONG anchor, the System keeps trying to push a "J" name on him (meaning Core/Host rights usually) but it's not working? He might end up taking some old Host names. Who knows. But he's VERY real and very positive, he is deeply sweet and hopefully he can front more often. He has no "upstairs" awareness though, and socials like that (Jesse, ) tend to get acutely confused with body dysphoria and time gaps and stuff. They exist, but they have no way of really understanding what their current existence IS. So until those people tap into the upstairs, and come to terms with that reality, they fluctuate madly and may not truly anchor. That whole "I'm just one person in this body?" realization is a huge existential shock, some socials cannot cope with it and reject it. Those people usually become numb and/or abusive and that's sad. We really should focus on that problem soon, actually... we've never been clearly aware of it before and that is a big topic.
Almost forgot. Sherlock fronted too, near the end of mass. He got pulled in for some reason, and it was really clear, the memory data is super solid. He was just looking around at the light and the color and everything, thinking "so this is what it's like to exist out here?" and basically being awestruck by the tangibility of everything, of the odd solidity of the outerworld. He was tearing up a little.

Still having problems with floating voices and intuition. Mostly it's "good" floating voices now but they're too neutral. They just give simple orders and stand back, don't enforce anything. Someone told them we need Laurie instead and hopefully we can go back to headspace all the time instead of socials and floating voices. The latter is flat and empty and sad and abusive. The former is real and alive and helpful and hopeful. Being 'in the body' and listening to voice orders requires an annihilation of individuality and free will. It requires that there is no introsection or self-awareness. Because all your attention must go to constant obedience. So even if we're following good orders, we're miserable because we aren't really living? Is that selfish?
Can't we have a happy medium? Listen to that advice BUT live according to who we ARE? Can't we have color in our life? We just want color in our lif again. That's where the eating disorder is coming from. That's why people are refusing to listen to the floating voices who say "don't eat that, you'll regret it" or "fast for the rest of the day" because these young social fronters are frustrated and heartbroken and they say no, they eat anyway because even if they DON'T want it, they want to "eat" color. They want to FEEL some sort of sparkle in life. So it gets misrouted. They get confused. They end up getting horrifically sick and not understanding why because they don't realize it's food, they don't understand eating, they just want to put color back into their body. That's all.
Misrouting and mistranslation is probably the root problem of everything. It's our biggest, saddest fault.

Progress is being made, however quietly, however slow it feels. Big steps are still being taken even if the journey is long.

 




 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)


 

My heart has been closed for a long time, because somewhere, someone convinced me that having an open heart was the same thing as having open legs.
(strange war between old hack residue and new knowledge. eros and julie at the forefront of protection. infinitii getting torn to shreds by the bombs, so to speak.)

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 


@ 03:03 am

 

A quick update for today.

- We went to see a psychiatrist, I suppose for the general first intake? Tons of paperwork. However, in the days/weeks leading up to this appointment, we thought about the last time we saw a psychiatrist, and we realized something-- back then, we had answered the questions according to what we thought was proper or expected. "Do you feel/ act/ think this way," et cetera, and whoever answered the questions back then was too busy smiling and trying to appear healthy to be honest. Well. Not so today. We were lucky to get a blank fronter out-- NOT a numb one, there's a difference! Numbs don't feel anything, don't care, and aren't connected to headspace as a result. Blanks, though... they're emotionless, detached, but not apathetic. They ARE tied to us, if only from a 'reporter' perspective, and they won't disclose our existence unless it is unavoidable. That appears to be their real function-- knowing of us, and respecting that fact totally, while protecting us from the outside, from doubters and condemners. Nevertheless they ARE HONEST. (They also seem to all be in the Gray area of the Spectrum, unsurprisingly.) Anyway, yes, one was out talking for our intake today. They didn't leave any accessible residual data for us, other than what the room looked like, so we "lost" two hours there, but for once we don't regret it. We know who that time went to, and we trust them, whoever they are, and we are glad.
- The psych had a little Good Luck Bear plushie on her desk, which caught Minty's attention. What was surprising was that she actually ghosted to sit next to our fronter, if only to just be there. Later on Genesis ended up sitting in a chair across the room (lounging in it is more accurate), which I only know because our fronter was backing off a bit at that time (the psych doc left the room temporarily, after our existence was disclosed and the blank therefore could freely hand over the reins to us), and I got to sit in the body for a minute or so.
- The docs prescribed Abilify BUT as soon as we got to the car (we were massively switchy and dissociated between there and the office, lots of fragmenty stuff), our infamous "manic red" fronter came out and started laughing and ranting about it... TO US. That is VERY NEW. Weirdly she's always known about us, but in a sort of "I don't care" way... she was always more concerned with doing her own thing. But now, now she's starting to warm up to the idea of other people, if only in a rather narcissistic sense-- she likes being the center of attention. I'll admit though, I don't dislike her. Her energy is blazing but it's not malevolent, really. It just has a tendency to edge over that way when it gets overwhelming. She's like a sun strapped into a skeleton; all plasma roar and victorious laughter. She's funny, too. Only thing is she needs to turn down the fire, because after barely 10 minutes of fronting the body is exhausted. It also HURTS in her wake, I noticed that following her in. Some fronters leave like little "hook-scars" in the brain when they leave, like walking through a patch of brambles. She leaves something like a fishhook brushburn. But at least she can be reasoned with, and she's willing to leave and let other people out when her energy isn't proper for a situation. That's really significant too.
- But yeah, she was furious-laugh-ranting because they gave us Abilify "to deal with your inability to express emotion," when in fact what had happened was that our blank fronter was one of the ONLY PEOPLE in the System to even have that problem. This girl, this explosion of extroversion, was the polar opposite of that. So she took it upon herself to front very loudly and therefore invalidate the claim that we were emotionless. I had to point out that the Abilify, being an antipsychotic, was also used to treat aggression/ tantrums/ mood swings/ etc. tied to bipolar disorder and autism, so she had to be careful. To that, she then began calling the meds a "neurological sedative" and refused to let the body take anything that would "suppress her existence." All in all no one was happy about it but she took it personally. We then found out that there is both corn and milk in the pills, and ended up laughing because "hey, a loophole," in case anyone was stuck having to admit that we weren't taking them and needed a "non-weird" reason as to why. (Oh yeah, and it can also cause weight gain, to which every E.D. voice basically shouted hell no, not again.)
- I do want to note that it feels like her energy IS blurring with the "clean cut" Razor splinter voice, who also feels red, and whose energy is terribly similar to this manic girl's (same root anchor? no idea yet). So we're getting name-hints but we don't know whose is what yet. I'm sorry for the blurry data but again, this is new. We haven't been in a state of mind where things are open to just LET people front at will, like the old days, which we all miss. But that's happening again now. We're a "we" again. I'm also terribly sorry for having said that over and over for months now, I think... it's just that, no matter how many times it may happen, these flashes, they're new. They're wonderful. And they're all steps up. We never step back. It's like... finding the exit door, only to find yourself in another little labyrinth. But you're out of the first one now, the big heavy one. You're out, and you're closer to the outside now, just don't give up. There are more doors. Now there are windows too. It's going to be okay. And it is okay, when you remember that regardless of physical distance, hearts are forever tied. No one, ever, anywhere, can take us away from each other. There's just a little more space, a little more fog, hanging about than is healthy. It's not permanent. If I can't see them, I can hear them. And if I can't hear them, all I need to do is move about a bit, in any direction, and I'll bump into someone eventually. If I can't move... I couldn't say, because I've never been in that position. Even if my steps may appear to be missteps, at the time, my feet are always free. As long as this body lives and breathes, I will make its life a testament to hope, through me, through us. And when it dies I can only pray it will leave that behind like a gold dust.
- That got kind of poetic. It's 3AM, that is why.
- The most important thing about that whole appointment, though, was the feeling I got when I was in the body for a minute. It was this intense validation, this feeling of incredulity and gratitude, of realizing that we just told a doc that we exist and they ROLLED WITH IT. Neither of those things have EVER happened before. We opened our heart to the reality of our own existence-- a terribly, sadly hard thing to do lately, what with feeling such happiness is "evil" for some unknown reason-- and then had the absolute guts (or the total lack of comprehension of "guts" or the lack thereof, thanks blank fronters) to ADMIT THAT to another person. So yes. It felt incredible for a minute. It felt like... tuning into what we were, into WHO we were, those first steps at becoming a sort of "family" inside back in 2010, but without the crushing pain and fear and anxiety Cannon's timeline cradled. We've healed so much now.
- I saw Central talking amongst themselves earlier, not sure about what, but Leon was doing the whole air-summon thing that previously only Laurie and I have done actively (it's like forming small temporary "holograms" in the air, to illustrate a point or express an idea). Laurie did compliment him on this, rather amazedly too. He responded with something along the lines of, "I want to be more directly active in Central." Which I HOPE he does, I love him, he's such a great guy.
- On that note Javier already has total "you can chill in the Core bedroom whenever you want" rights. He's too cool (ironically). Personally I do feel a BFF-y connection to him as the Red holder anyway, so. It's great.
- Jayce has been helping a lot lately, being our reflection dude. Nienna is still singing. We're all making sure Spine sticks around Central. The Undergrounders are all doing okay. So are Jeremiah and the kids. Julie still has her ribbons on her arms. Laurie is healing her anchor. So is Infinitii. Patience and compassion are key. It's amazing how deep it all goes, how much still needs to be untangled and healed and loved back to light, bit by bit. We're getting our strength back, our warrior blood, and prophet heart. Bit by bit.
- Lastly PLEASE remind me to finish transcribing/uploading the massive amount of neglected data files on Mitchell & Morpheus, our voice recorders. Not only will that help me anchor in this new "we do exist" joy again, but it will also get us back on track with what's solved and what isn't.
- There WAS snow the other day and there was a spring sunset today and it's supposed to thunderstorm on Thursday. What a week. Life is nice.

Good night everyone. I love all you readers and passers-by and people so hold that to your heart and be well, if only for the moment. It'll stick.

 


 

 

prismaticbleed: (shatter)

 

 

Therapy on Thursday.

I didn't update as it happened (people wanted to ignore it)



numb fronter as we walked in, couldnt get them out at first
spice fronted for a WHILE, very angry
sherlock fronted momentarily
so did garrison
isadora tried but talking socially isnt her thing
jewel peeked in? left shortly
"jessica" writer girl fronted for a WHILE (NOT the brown "jess," no ties to chocoloco?)
clearly said "other people don't like when I get violent"
she hates the mother, that's her main thing. color feels vaguely indigo, like the one from 2008 or so
wreckage tried to come in, I think ashen was alerted
david did too I think

 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 11:55 pm

 

 

Sometimes I think it's really dumb that I have to write down everything "bad" that happens so I can tell the therapist. I don't want to hold on to this stuff. But, I keep remembering that one phrase: "those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." I can't help but feel that, stupid and ridiculous or not, that quote applies here. It's awful.

Sunday morning, I think, there was a dream hack. It was horrible. The pain in-dream was so excruciating that the body collapsed, and I remember almost passing out. I had fallen to the floor, in agony and delirious, and I was half-crazily praying to God to save me somehow. I thought I was dying.
Miraculously, that pain did NOT translate over to the physical body when we awoke. Thank God for that, really!! If it had translated I probably would have really died.

I know why it happened. Sleeping is painful lately, what with surgery recovery, and if we lie flat down it hurts even more. So, we have to carefully prop up the body in a way that won't make our limbs go numb, and will still allow us to breathe, without straining the abdomen so badly we can't get back out of bed easily afterwards (which will happen if we fall down flat). Anyway, since it is tricky, we usually wake up several times during the night hurting. We haven't been sleeping well in any case. There have been lots of nightmares.
Anyway. Sunday, we woke up around 6AM, only having about 5 hours of sleep so far. So we made the mistake of going back to sleep as the sun was rising.
Here's a note: sleeping during sunlight equals HACKS!!! I don't know why, but it's a constant. The "danger zone" happens whenever you try to sleep when it's light out. It's Plague stuff I think. Bad stuff. So we kind of feared it would happen, but what else could we do?

I'm standing here and the legs are covered in blood and I'm fine, but whoever was out before me definitely was not.
There's a problem lately: no emotions, but expression of emotions. Like, "I feel like I should be upset about this, or that it would be right to feel upset about this, but there's no actual feeling!" Like after hacks. You KNOW you're "upset," "sad," "angry," et cetera, but there's no actual emotion. It's an empty void, a blank space. There's nothing. There's just this "knowledge" that, even if you don't actually feel it, you know you aren't happy about this situation. And then someone fronts, and starts to try and scream or cry or something, but there are no emotions, and the second they stop it's poker face city. It's highly confusing and rather upsetting, to know that there should be an emotion there but there isn't.
Even worse, we still have those not-so-floating voices (alters?? the therapist is making us question a lot of things we took for granted or glossed over) who are full of hatred for anyone who shows "weakness or stupidity." There was a problem today; someone was eating as a "coping mechanism"-- the need to organize, to fix something, to clean something, to destroy something. It's all projected coping needs that we can't find a way to meet elsewhere, so it comes out unhealthily. But it was 5:05, and then the grandmother walks in, stops, smiles sadly/flatly at us, and says "You didn't make it."
Now she likely meant well. She knows we like to stop eating at 5PM every day, but sometimes we don't eat "breakfast" until 4PM so that makes things tricky, since we have to prepare the food that day too. So she meant, "it's after 5 already." But it hurt! What a way to say it! Why would you say it such a way?
Immediately the brain heard those words through the hurt. "You're still eating, you wretched thing?" "You failed." "There's a strict set of rules you must meet to be "good," and guess what? You didn't make it." In short, what we heard was, " You failed to do what was good and right, again. I'm disappointed in you, but I didn't expect anything different. You're a disgrace and a shame."
All I know is that this person's "appetite" bottomed out and immediately they wanted to burn every edible item in the kitchen. They fought off the urge to forcibly vomit out of shame right then and there, and walked out to sit on the porch in the cold, feeling utterly filthy and animalistic, like they no longer deserved to show their hedonistic face among human beings.
A few minutes later the grandmother stomps out onto the porch, sighing angrily, half-shouting. "What are you doing now? Stop being so ridiculous. Get back in here."
We tried to explain how we felt, to apologize for being such a humiliation, but she cut us off. "Oh, I don't want to hear this again! You've gotta stop that." Then as we went to walk in the door, she (unknowingly?) shut the door right in our face. There was a moment of shock-- dulled by the fact that we hadn't felt any emotions this whole time-- and then someone went and slumped against the chimney and tried to cry. Unfortunately, the feelings of self-horror and hatred were so potent, that one of those "floating alters" spoke up. "Shut the hell up, you faggot bastard!!!" That's the one that hates crying, and calls anyone who dares to cry because they're "sad" the most awful name they can imagine. They see crying as selfish, manipulative, and downright disgusting. In their eyes, people who cry are doing the emotional equivalent of grabbing someone forcibly by the face and dragging them in the direction you want them to go. It's profane emotional abuse, crying is, to them. So we aren't allowed to cry because it's "evil."
So that shut down, easily enough, because nothing was actually being felt… convincing us that we were "evil" and manipulative, because who else would cry without actually feeling sad? The only thing we felt was this ugly, corrosive, dirty feeling of wrongness, like we were trash, utter garbage, and did not deserve to be conscious.
We ended up back inside the house somewhere around there but the memory cuts out for about two, three hours around that time.
There's too much memory loss lately. It's scary. It's unbearable.


…I lit some candles for optimism, but the black one ended up overflowing like a volcano and spitting sludge all into the pink one, only. That's awful symbolism and it's scaring me a little.

There was a real hack, Sunday night I think. The same day of the dream hack as far as I know. It was in the living room, someone went into a trance from the red lights and that is all I know. We found the culprit, because they tried to attack Chaos and he freaked out, then it went after Genesis, but Infi showed up and neutralized it, so there's no hack data other than the initial "someone bad is here" shock of the culprit fronting and Wreckage realizing it. Yeah, she noticed and tried to kill it, I don't know how it kept going… lots of the hackers can. I think it's because they're on the "downstairs" level, that's not tied to the System at all. It's all Socials and faceless people and floaters. It's a very dangerous, very frightening, very primal level. J---bel and J----ca's kingdom. There's so much malice in those two names, it hurts. I don't want to write them.
So we think that person was "Eros." NOT the guy we've been calling by the name Upstairs, at least we don't think so. This is the guy from 2012, the REALLY EVIL one that caused the whole Celebi trouble in January. Yeah. The EVIL guy. We think it's him, because it feels very similar to what records we have of him, and it's not a good feeling. So we're being very careful.

The real problem is that he's not the only one!!! There's at least two girls, too. One is Anna, I don't remember/know what her deal is but she exists, we're well aware of her. Long straight blonde hair and all. BUT there's another girl-- at least we think it's a girl? maybe there are two-- which is one we've been hunting for AGES, and it's the one who hijacked Jay's heart affinity and turned it into the most dangerous horrific thing ever. She's not a good person, at all, not at all, her energy is unmistakable too and they've left EVIDENCE before, on our computer, that they exist. It's always scary to find evidence, we're not used to people fronting without permission or knowledge, especially bad people.

Oh! Before I forget. The therapist wants to know who writes. I'm a "girl," more like I have a female look and I'm a teenager. But gender is "ehh." I don't think about it much. Anyway I'm a girl and I'm young and I'm happy? I'm not sad, at least. I'm more like, unfazed. So that's it.

Back to typing so I don't slip, that happens a lot with self-awareness because the darker minds in the System don't want these new voices manifesting. (Sherlock here, momentarily. Give me a minute to hand the reins back, quietly.)

So. Bad hacker girl. We don't know who she is but she was apparently around tonight. No hack data again, just the instant of realizing "oh no oh no, someone was here," and then a time gap, and then standing in the bathroom with a huge bread knife in one hand and hysterically sobbing "there's not enough blood!!" Whoever that was. I don't know. But that person realized the "no emotions" problem because although they were wracked with tears and pain, there was-- again-- no emotion being felt, which shook them up.
They were staring at a washcloth full of blood and saying it looked like a murder scene. Then they wondered if we should go to the hospital, because "this wasn't normal," they had lost so much time and they didn't know what day it was and this was no way to live, it was unbearable.
Then there's a somewhat different memory? An instant of someone leaning against the doorframe and laughing deliriously, staring at the wrists and saying "I could end this right now!" It was the sudden realization that we had a really sharp knife and we were really hopelessly distraught and it would be SO quick to just… end it all. Instantly. But something made them change their mind, because that person disappeared and then there's another time gap… yada yada yada. It keeps happening like that and it's not fun.

Anyway. They "couldn't reach God" and every time they tried to ask "do you love me" "do you forgive me" etc., the damned floating voices would jump in and lie and say "no," over and over, making the fronter feel trapped in hell and unsaveable.
Then Infi showed up. All I know is that Infinitii showed up and said "I love you," making it very clear that they weren't ignorant of the situation even so. I don't know what happened after that, I can't see it, just that ze and the fronter (did Jay come in? no? somebody else.) were talking for a little bit and now I'm here? Typing? Geez. It's 9:25 PM. The last time we remember looking at a clock it was 8:25 or so, in the kitchen, putting the knife back in the sink. Geez. And getting matches for the candles.
Someone was standing on a chair to do that (the matches are on top of the fridge) and saying (with no small amount of disgust and shame) that they felt "lonely," that they "never had any friends" because to them, a REAL friend was someone that you didn't HAVE to talk to when you were upset like this. A REAL friend would understand, and just sit with you if you just needed company, to be assured someone else kind was there for protection and compassion, who wouldn't want to chat emptily or do small talk. Which is stupid, and which is what all almost-"friends" would force us to do in the past. Real close friends talk about real close things. And we never had that, but we needed We never got close to anyone really, they never wanted to be close and it hurt. We only ever had… let me count. AMG, AAA, CL, SD maybe, BP, BD almost, Angelbee, and that's it. Seven people who were near-friends, and of all those, only ONE of them (CL) EVER treated us like one. CL treated us like a sibling, there's precious little memory of that time period of life and the only real snapshot we have is of walking across the playground with her, and she was just so happy to be with us that this surge of real honest love welled up in us, like the love you'd have for a dear friend or sister, and it was one of the first real things we ever felt. CL left us for good a few months later, but… that was real, and honest. It's worth noting that this was approximately the same life-time period that Jezebel evidenced during, so the forces were already in opposition. Ugh. Anyway, yeah. Seven people, two of them who were only "cool acquaintances," three of them who were borderline abusive, and one of them (AAA) who was never really an "official" friend (i.e. she would talk to us often but we never hung out or did stuff together) but who we adored nevertheless, as you know. So yeah, we were lonely. Are lonely, I guess, if this evening's admittance by who-knows-who was honest enough.
We did have internet friends, I guess? I forgot. They've fallen into the "lost years," the ones scrubbed dry by programming or trauma or whatever. We don't remember them at all; whoever befriended them is LONG gone and did not leave any first-person memories that we can find. But that's not relevant now, and that stuff physically hurts to look for.
Where was I. Oh yeah. After that hack, and bleeding all over the bathroom (we got really dizzy, not sure if it was from blood or stress or whatever, but it was a little worrisome), and losing even more time, and wanting to throw up, and feeling utterly isolated, yeah we were kind of lonely. We were unplugged from headspace too, and to be honest I don't know if that helped or hindered the situation? There is a LOT of hate for headspace on the downstairs level, with the socials and other faceless fronters, because to them "headspace" is synonymous with "the world and people that only exist because of hacking." In other words, "headspace is a living reminder of hell, and as far as we are concerned, its very presence promotes more suffering and pain." So the socials HATE headspace, and will deny/ slander/ curse/ try to annihilate it at every opportunity. Sadly, because of that split, there's no way to get help from headspace (someone just shouted "we don't want it!!"). Well, there you go. Don't shoot the messenger, guys, I'm just typing. ("For who?") For anyone, I'm just keeping records of this so we can actually deal with this trouble with the therapist maybe, and keep it from ever happening again.

I hope. We wish. This has been going on for 7 years, plus-- no, longer than that, almost 10 now. We aren't sure. When did the hacks really start? So much time is gone, but so many of us are so young, we can't tell.
We keep forgetting about "childhood trauma" too. We laugh at it, actually. It feels like all fairy tales, like some scary story made up to make other children behave. We don't remember having a childhood. Our memory doesn't "start" until 8th grade, really. 2003, going into 2004, that's when headspace put down its first "roots," even though Jewel manifested years prior, and others (Julie, Jezebel, etc.) even earlier. Still, all of that feels foggy and vague, almost like a prologue, or something slightly off-kilter. "Solid" memory, the "beginning," is in the 8th grade classroom. 2003, let's say. And then time disappears for several years, and the next thing we have a "solid" memory of is 2011 or so. Is it? Did Cannon leave any solid memories? No?
It's weird. Cannon and Glissando both were at MU, that awesome university, but although their memories are very clear, it's nevertheless fogged-up by the third-person viewpoint. It feels… vague. Like we were asleep from 2004 to 2008, and began waking up slowly. There's little data until closer to 2009, I think? And then it's gone AGAIN, because whoever was on dA for the "OCT period" (the short-haired kid here) is TOTALLY missing from all our records, we have NO clue who they were. Then 2010 was Utah, which was only know from data because there's NO actual data of that…

You know what, let me do that. It's 10PM, we're going to bed at 11 today because 1) although I would LOVE to stay up and type, it is NOT safe to sleep during the daylight!!! so 11PM is now the set bedtime, and 2) we're going to accompany the grandmother tomorrow morning at 8 to do family shopping and go to her bloodwork place. Any time we get to go in a car is gold. Cars are BEAUTIFUL. They are blessed spaces on wheels. Every car ever is a safe place, a sanctuary, and we love them. We can talk to them too, a little, like Kit in Young Wizards. Serafina (the PT) talks to us the most; she does not like when people hit potholes and she doesn't like when people say she's "not as good" as Bethany (the Suzuki). So she's kind of moody. But we're nice to her, we really do love her, and she's warming up to us more. Bethany we don't get to talk to often (we don't get to drive her much) but I'm curious, and kind of scared, to try. She's been in several accidents and there has been at LEAST one massively horrifying hack while IN her, poor thing. We haven't even listened to that file yet.


…Okay, I just had to leave the computer for a second and NOW all the terrible sadness and hopelessness is settling in. How do we deal with that? Just meditate all the time?
To be honest, that's why we haven't been meditating. It's… when we do, we don't want to stop. We'd unplug from reality and meditate for like six hours a day if we could. Is that detrimental? Is it "good" to totally dissociate from the physical realm that often, that totally? "Be in the world, but not of it," they say, but for God's sake we don't know HOW to be "in it" at this point, most Buddhas weren't "mentally ill" as far as we know, and it hurts like a crushed heart to hear people say "well mental illness isn't real” because sure, we know that all this suffering is ephemeral, but then…
I don't know. What about the PTSD, then? What about the D.I.D.? Are they saying that "oh, your PTSD isn't real" even if someone was raped, or caught in an explosion, or something equally horrid? It's hard to find the fine line. On one hand, there's awareness that this life is temporary, and all the horrors we may endure here are equally so… and on the other hand, there's the awareness that this life is still valid, right? It's still real in some way, right? And… is it wrong to be scared, when something scary happens to you?
I don't know. This drives me mad, especially because it's the REASON why we aren't feeling emotions anymore!! SO many people have said "your emotions are just knee-jerk reactions to stimuli that don't really exist!" and glorified "detachment" and "emptiness" that we have scraped out our soul and now we don't know HOW to live in this world because we just want to meditate all day. We're in pain and we can't even feel it because these people keep saying it's not real.
Bullshit. BULLSHIT. "You have to accept suffering before you can transcend it." That means stop kicking this under the rug and let us HEAL for God's sake, we're scared and we're frightened and we're sad and lonely and confused and angry and you just keep doing that stupid "SMILE (☺)" reaction and acting like we're just poor fools!!! Well maybe we are, but that puts us right in with every other beaten and kicked child in the world. Would you just "SMILE" at a five-year-old whose mother just whacked them in the face out of pure malice, and who was crying bitterly as a result? "Don't cry child, she's not really your mother! The pain isn't really real! (Smile!)" FCK YOU.
I am so sorry. FCK YOU.


That too. That freaking mother. "WRITE A BOOK!!! WRITE A BOOK!!! HERE HERE'S ANOTHER PUBLISHING COMPANY TO CONTACT!! HERE'S ANOTHER WRITERS GROUP TO ATTEND!!! BLA BLA BLA!!!!!!!!"
Fck off, FCK OFF, STOP.
Everyone wants me/us/whatever to "write a book." WHAT BOOK!??!?
What the hell do you want us to write????? What are you expecting????
There's our personal chronicles, these Archives, sure we could TRY to write a book out of them, we'd LOVE to actually, but that's NOT EASY, ESPECIALLY when every two seconds you're telling me IT'S FAKE, IT'S BULLSHIT, GET OVER IT, STOP ACTING LIKE THAT, STOP SAYING THAT, ET CETERA.
I wouldn’t BE saying things if I wasn't FEELING them. I'm trying to be HONEST. Would you rather I lie??
I don't know. I don't know. I WANT to write this in a book and put it out there but it HURTS, damn it it HURTS and it's terrifying to look back and see that there's NOTHING for YEARS, God help us how can we write anything if there's so much empty space and unanswered questions??? I don't know. I don't know.
And then there's Dream World, Jewel's magnum opus or however you'd call it. She's terrified because so many people have ripped that story right out of her heart and tried to mangle it into their own liking. It's been so horribly corrupted, she can't see half the characters anymore, she can't find the timeline after 2003 right now, right where ours stops. She cries about it a lot, how all she wants to do is share that story, her love and joy, our hope, and yet it's been so battered. She's scared, that she might not be able to get it right in time, or the right way, or something. But we all feel her fear, more of a wrenchingly awful bottomless mourning, and it makes our situation all the more depressing.

Ugh. This entry is going places I don't want it to go. Where was I. Cars.
Not going to talk about that hack file. It's an hour long and I know Wreckage talked on it and so did the veil-person (the purple one) and Julie maybe? I don't know, I don't want to think about it, there's a potent jagged aura around that entire event that is horrifying to look at, sorry to keep using that word but it's the only one with a "vibe" that fits the feeling I'm trying to express. Horror is different from terror, and fright, and fear. You get the picture, I hope.
Cars. We're going in one tomorrow. I'll type again when I get home, maybe.
I wanted to list memory bits, for the sake of having that data written down somewhere, and also for the therapist. Oh, plus she has us doing this thing, let's start a new paragraph for that, I mentioned it earlier.

It's supposed to snow tomorrow. Okay, so the therapist asked us, "who does what in your System?" But she meant on the outside. And we DON'T KNOW. It was very jarring, kind of existentially nauseating, scary, to realize that we don't know who does half this stuff, and the more questions she asked the more shaken-up we got until we almost felt like crying from shock but nothing happened. We're losing so much time and we NEVER REALIZED IT until she started asking things we never would have considered asking ourselves.
"Who eats" is tricky enough, Emmett should be the one eating but that's been very rare over the past few months. We don't know who eats lately, but so many people are tied to pain and purging and maintenance that it's a little easier to get a grip on that.
But then she asked, "who cooks? Who cleans? Who does finances? Who goes to the doctor? " etc. We have absolutely no idea. And as we looked, hoping to find answers, we found that there was no data. We don't know who cooks or cleans or does finances or goes to the doc because for the most part, there's NO MEMORY OF THOSE THINGS. There's some vague "location" data, of course, the eyes are always seeing… but as for actual conscious stuff? Movement, talking, choices? None. There's nothing. And THAT'S scary.
She asked who exercised. We mentioned that weird faceless beige-tan guy who showed up last summer on the elliptical, and who keeps flickering in and out. But we also mentioned that exercise is dangerous, TERRIBLY dangerous, and the reason why we were out of shape for years is that originally we couldn't exercise without getting hacked. Which was bad. Running outside is safe but we can't do that until our surgery heals.
"Who writes, who does art, who does music," she asked. Another worrisome question. Creativity was always very separate from our System in order to protect it, because if hacks/ etc. ever touched the Leagueworld stuff, we'd die. Quite literally. Everything would go to hell. So no one in our System did art, except Jewel, who broke off from us during the lost years. Razor tried but couldn't tap in. We have some musicians, notably Glissando, but Nienna and Zwei like to sing and Einsatz likes to listen. Problem is, for unknown reasons music is also tied to mania, so we are actually terrified to play the piano anymore because then that one girl comes out and goes nuts, and her energy signature is like a circuit breaker shorting out, blowing up. She's dangerous and we do not like her. She's part of why we stopped singing for over a year once the dysphoria got bad. It would trigger her and then things would-- again-- go to hell. And hacks would happen in her wake too! So that wasn't good either. Writing, though, that's our field now… sadly, for some part, as Jewel lives to write and she hasn't in a very long time. We used to have a poet, we don't know where they went. We lost a lot of our writers, actually. Those of us who write in the Archives… we''re a different breed. This is just talking onto paper. I'm one, Simeon is listed, one girl who "hates the mother" and goes by "Jess" because she can't find another name. She spoke here for a bit before, her energy sticks. Jay types, Laurie has typed before, not often but she has. Sherlock types. Mulberry did once, I can see the text in my mind. But yeah. That was an easier question to answer.
"Who does self-care," the therapist asked. No one. Cannon put a stop to it in 2009 or so, with the dysphoria and hacks and atonement, and since then it's been very bad, minimal really. Bathrooms in general are hack-places and we don't like spending longer in one than we have to.
"Who went to school," was the last question. Cannon, that we know. She took the one art class, that unannounced decided to make her do figure drawing. And all hell broke loose. AGAIN. It's ridiculous how often that has happened. Where is it coming from?? Why??
But we don't know who else was at the first college, other than Glissando, who was only there to sit at her laptop and write music. Spinny got in the way there sometimes, but she was manic and negative and not really a "person." We don't know who went to the second college. We don't know who went to high school or elementary school. Blame the social interaction, I guess, or at least the threat of it. Thank God we were ignored for the most part!

I can't type anymore. Apparently my attitude is detrimental? Or at least not nice, or fitting. It's "rude" without meaning to be rude is what I'm getting. Sorry guys. I'm out of here.

We'll write the memory data down tomorrow, when we have appropriate time. Now is too late.
I cannot tell you much else for tonight; there is a pervading sadness and helpless frustration that is being exacerbated by the heat in this room and the company here. I do not want to mire in this mindset so I am going to attempt to unplug the mind for as long as possible to allow it to heal. Good night.




…Hold up, no. Don't end this yet.
This is Jay. I usually show up at the end, sorry for that, but it feels fitting.
Knife just walked up to me, in tears, asking "what happened," and I just felt… more complete, more whole than I have in… I want to say "years," but it's probably just days. Days are becoming mini-lifetimes by now, in any case.
But there he was, crying, knowing there was pain, asking where all the blood came from, what happened?? We looked, it wasn't bad actually, nothing deep like Razor does, nothing major. But it had happened, that fact alone was heartbreaking. Knife said Julie was totally distraught, and honestly guys I am not surprised, because I saw her sitting by herself after that hack on Sunday, and the look on her face just ached to see. It was grim, determined, almost too stoic to decipher-- but there was this knowing in her eyes and a pain in her posture that I understood too well. She hasn't forgotten what brought her to where she is now. She knows what happens with hacks. And they are still happening. That look was something I can't put into words, but it broke my heart to see it, and God knows I want this to stop just as much as she does.
But then there's the lack of emotion. There it is, the Plague. It sneaks into my confetti-colored head and it smiles, and it tries to make me believe that it's fine that hacks are happening, why do you care? It's not real, who cares! Except I'm re-reading Young Wizards and that thing feels way too much like the Lone Power.
Oh. About that. Yesterday I power-read through the entirety of High Wizardry, which we originally read over a decade ago, and which there was only the faintest recognition of. The last chapter was a roller coaster of an experience, and the last 20 pages or so had me in legitimate tears. I will not spoil it for you (good Lord go read it) but I will say that I actually had to stop, two or three times, because there was such powerful relevance to headspace and I kept thinking Infi, Infi, this is all Infinitii's message-- and when I closed the book around 1AM ze was there, and I was a mess, and I cannot forget what happened in those first moments.
I was crumpled up in a corner somewhere, in headspace, in a bright place of white light… but miserable. The final chapter of the book had forced me to realize just how much awfulness was in me, in our collective self-- all the selfishness, the bitterness, the dishonesty, the rage, every derivation of negative death, every contribution to entropy. I saw it all and I felt every regret we had and it ripped through me like a blade and I was devastated, I couldn't bear it. I ended up in that corner, wanting to just disappear, ashamed to exist with all that trailing me, us. And then something velvet-black against the light walked over, paused, looked down with something untranslatable in its many eyes, and said: "Jay.
You do realize, I know all of those things, completely?"
I did realize, and the aching shame was unendurable. I said nothing.
"I still love you."
I looked up then, self-hatred and disbelief coloring me bitter.
"How could you?"
At that, Infinitii's expression softened, just a little, just enough.
"How could I not?"
So that was that.
Sorry I can't quite do it justice. We spoke for a bit after that and it felt so entirely cathartic I was shocked; I couldn't remember the last time this chest felt so clear.

Here are some other bits of data the other writers here forgot to/ didn't know about to mention--
- I knew I was in trouble Sunday morning but the body was so exhausted we had no choice but to sleep. I went to Javier's room and slept there hoping he could help protect me, but apparently when I sleep I get "yanked out" of headspace and so he was helpless. He also was not at fault, which I had to emphasize when I returned and he was almost hysterical with misplaced remorse.
- Lynne slept over in my room on Saturday night I think? Just for fun, as I'd been talking to her all that day and anyway I miss the platonic closeness I used to have with everyone. So that was nice.
- I was also talking to Kyanos on Saturday night, as we did our nightly walk. His eyes glow, he does have stained-glass wings, which he said settled in after he was assigned his surname (Kathedrikos).
- I'm trying to tap into people's energy fields again, upstairs. Scent is the easiest as it's the most ethereal, so I'm starting there. Lynne is still rosin/ violin wood/ peaches, while Laurie is still blood/ steel/ lightning. There's also this odd subtle "vibe" to them both that I found interesting-- kind of how for a lot of people, the smell of homemade bread has a "vibe" of comfort and security, due to associations with that sort of environment. Lynne, unsurprisingly, has the vibe of our old violin music school-- comforting and bright, but warm and safe, without feeling "stagnant" like a home. There was a slight bright edge of excitement to it, the knowledge that you were "on the road" but that place was a safe haven in the meantime. Lots of warmth. Laurie, though, has this somewhat personal vibe of protection, again unsurprisingly. But I say "personal" in that Lynne's vibe is more "expansive," like it feels bigger, while Laurie's is very contained, just me and her really, without being "too close." It's basically the knowledge that she's got your back, elaborated into something that feels, oddly, just as "at home" as Lynne does in a different way. Just wanted to mention that.
- Marigold smells like marigolds, the bright warm summery kind. David smells like a blanket (a very cute scent actually) and freshly fallen snow (which surprised me). I can't tune into Jeremiah's field yet-- he's too reticent, which is understandable and okay. Kyanos is-- as he was-- fresh morning air with a late note of honey. Nathaniel smells like a tree. It's hilarious. It's extremely subtle; leaves don't have much of a scent as-is but it's unmistakable. And there's this over-scent I cannot place, something very fine and silvery, delicate stuff. It's not mint, there was some once but there's none now. Leon, though, has this unusual smell of something like brass? I briefly tuned in and I got that vibe-- not the sharp metallic scent some metals have, but this oddly warm and golden tune. And there's something over it that's either vanilla or frankincense and I cannot tell. It's really interesting, as I haven't "checked" on anyone's energy like this in a while and it's amazing to see how it varies over time, with people. Lastly, though, I am happy to report that Knife is still all woodsmoke, but I'm thinking that odd sweet-rich undertone is actually roses, like old dried roses or something. I don't know. It's been ages since I last smelled one but I'll have to find one now, see if the data matches up. Anyway that's that, sorry for the rambling but this is really fascinating to me and I value it.

I tend to get larger blocks of residual data than others, and I'm present for Upstairs stuff typically, so there you go. It is important to write this down. Attention gives power. Attention needs to go to us.

There's a lot that still needs to be written (especially about therapy last week, which I'm working on, and the "memory list" we apparently need to write? oh, and a list of "safe places" for therapy this week) but I'm starting to get slippery. It's late anyway, we need sleep.

I haven't read a jot of this entry at the time of posting this, so I apologize if there's anything unfinished or in need of editing… I have no idea who wrote what, as usual. But I'm glad something was written.

We'll try again tomorrow. Here's to that.

 




 

 

 

prismaticbleed: (held)

All right, there needs to be a happier entry to offset all this depressing stuff lately, because in actuality life has been a lot nicer than it's been sounding on here.
I will reiterate-- thoughts and emotions are very powerful, especially when focused on and repeated. This archive should be the first place where we actively focus on the brighter aspects of our life; this should continue to be our anchor of hope.
I know I keep saying that, and maybe the future tense is the problem. It feels like I'm saying "one day," when in actuality it already is. This archive is such a source of light for me, when things get dark... it's such a source of light for others. When I heard that, it was as if my entire heart lit up just the same. So I will continue to keep this archive as such. I have a responsibility to myself, to the System, and to every reader, to do so.

All right. First things first. Where have we been lately? That has two answers:
1. dealing with one heck of a huge healing process, which is mostly physical this time, and
2. working on the League constantly.
I hope you notice how important that is. We've been doing both. Somehow we are actually balancing the two right now. There aren't week-long transition periods, or huge time losses, or lockouts. They are both happening simultaneously!
I didn't even realize that until now. It just became almost natural, all of a sudden, like no time was involved at all. For so long my heart was torn between headspace or leaguespace... and then, the next time I checked, there was no pain. There was no gap. Just like Preludove said. Now it's this harmonious sort of unity, across the field, even with the individuality and temporal integrity of both realms intact, and I actually can't remember what it was ever like to not have that. That's amazing.
There is a quote I just stumbled across that describes this perfectly.
"The second vision was of a book....it was opened at the half way mark and as I watched I saw that it was being pulled into two halves, strings stretchering and finally breaking to form two individual volumes.I am torn, I interpreted, as I thought. But from that tension - two books instead of one."
Two books from one, too, at least for us. Two seemingly separate books, yet bound at some deeper level of existence. No conflict.
You'd think I've have learned, by now, that being torn apart always precedes a rebuilding. Our whole history reflects that... heck, so do the Leagueworlds, now that I think about it. Which is why I need to share them, too, and which is why I needed to be torn so clearly-- they are JUST as important and revelatory as our own inner world is. They can inspire just as many people. And I was losing time and dedication for both those 'books' by thinking they HAD to be held within the same binding. Not quite! So that's probably what happened to the stalling tension. I'm so glad. I just want to embrace everything now, all of it, and I can, because I'm no longer tangled up trying to hold on to something that needed to change. Sometimes breakage is a godsend. I can name several people who can prove that truth to me beyond a doubt... but most of them would be spoilers, haha.
Nevertheless, that split is vital. I learned that the hard way. You can only blur so many boundaries before things start to bleed.

So. Concerning that 'first book,' Dream World is getting the most focus lately-- of course, because that world naturally branches out into every other one in its own way. I keep finding more and more connections, too, and that is making my heart swell with joy. It's completely fascinating. Parnassus is second in line, as that world has some seriously heavy roots, possibly due to both Genesis and Delphi being utterly ignorant of the 4th wall in their own personal ways... and definitely due to what I keep learning about the foundations of that world in the first place. Again, now that I've stopped trying to 'control' the way that story flows, it's moving so much better. Yes, I tried way too hard to get it to 'sync' with mythology at one point, because I was convinced that was the best thing to do. It wasn't! I was only limiting the way their story could progress, and it turns out it has had its own agenda in mind for ages. So now it's progressing as it needs to, just shaking off the cobwebs first.
Everyone else is kind of on 'pause' right now simply because they don't need the development right now. Again, that's a nice feeling too: the realization that they can 'unpause' at any time, that no one is stuck, and that 'forcing' anything does not work. Sure, I can focus on a certain world's resonance and see if they want to work, but that's strongly intuitive, and if it's not their time than I am not going to get anywhere by testing that!
Honestly the trickiest part of all this is just pacing the work. There's SO much work to be done-- typecodes and etymology and species cataloging and just sheer worldbuilding-- and since I can "feel" it as a whole somewhere beneath the surface, my instinct is to reach down and heave the whole gem out at once. I keep trying to do all of it at once. Good luck with that, bro. You have to chip away the rock, bit by bit, to reveal this stunning crystal of imagination, otherwise you run the risk of damaging it... of only getting part of the whole. I have to take one project at a time, one part of it at a time, one step at a time. Focus, and breathe, and don't rush. Open up, trust, believe, and let it happen, because it will. It always does. So I'm learning patience, which is humbling. But it's teaching me a deeper gratitude, too, and a deeper joy.

Headspace is similar, and by extension, so is our shared physical life.
...To tie the two threads of this together, I saw a quote yesterday, on Tumblr, as I was browsing through some inspirational pages. It's from the movie Her, which I've never seen but really need to.
"So, what's it like being married?"
"Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with someone."

And in the background, as he spoke... there was the night sky, the ocean, the city.

Living with 70+ other people in this body is hard. Sometimes it's frightening, when other people front, and my own self just melts away into nothingness... but then blends seamlessly with theirs. And that happens when League people drop in, too. Like I said a long time ago, I'll never forget that one day in elementary school, when Vezerai of all people fronted for a minute as I was in the mall... it is one of the clearest memories I have, period. It was such an existentially defining moment; it broke my mind and my heart both, just like his, and it opened my awareness to so, so much more. I have to thank him.
It requires patience. It requires selflessness of the purest sort, the non-sacrificial sort... did you know, I hadn't realized there was a difference between an offering and a sacrifice, until yesterday? I thought that everything I gave, had to be cut from my own bones. I thought I couldn't give without bleeding, without pain. But there's a difference. There's a line, between self-sabotage, and self-giving. I can pour out the same amount of myself both ways, but it's going to feel totally different.
...That's in the book of Hosea, you know. More League relevance. "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." If you offer things as an empty ritual, as a cold obligation, you're not acting through the compassion and sincerity that your soul and the universe at large requires... that's the key. And, shockingly, that's what I've been missing. I was brought up to follow orders, to obey ordinances and dogmas, to be afraid of punishment, to act according to that moral paranoia. That's not what this is about. And ironically, my 'mental disorder' has taught me that. Headspace... as a whole, it requires that same compassion just to exist. That's what DID is, after all. It's a coping mechanism, but more than that, it's a saving grace. It's a source of hope and survival where there otherwise may have been none. In order to live, we broke. "I" became "we." And selfishness, separation, pride, stubbornness... it all suddenly ceased to be an option as well. Our plurality was a source of grace in and of itself. Is this making sense?
It's like marriage, in a way, in a strange way. It's many souls, joined as one, united in totality and yet individually complete. To be separate from each other is impossible.
I think about this a lot, how much of a beautifully vast source of growth our System is, to me. How simply by being, it makes me a better man. How simply by knowing these other souls share this one life, this one single community existence, I want to be the best person I can be. I want to be wise and prudent and self-loving and joyful. To know that your blood and bones, your skin and breath, are host to not just you but also to those you love... how could you not live according to that? To love each other, we must love ourselves. No exceptions, no shortcuts, no halfheartedness. "And it's hard, for sure, but..."
I cannot put it into words.

Lynne, Waldorf, Nienna, Christina, and I think Javier were all out in church yesterday evening, for a short time (and Xenophon was there as usual). But Lynne... I don't know why she showed up, but she just flowed right into the main consciousness as naturally as if she had been born there, and then it was just her. Just her, completely. There were soon some protests at the back of the mind, angry resistance from the old girls, the ones who are different from us because they demand separation and selfishness... but Lynne stayed. She asked, why wasn't she allowed to stay out? Was it that frightening, for those other personae, to feel the legitimacy of her existence within the same space as them? Was it that jarring to realize that in the grand scheme of things we are all dots of paint in the big picture-- that our fleeting identification as single drops faded entirely when the ocean made itself known? That's what happens, when people front in earnest. And I suppose that was indeed their fear. Jessica's constant shout-- "No; I'm the only one! Let me do what I want!" --echoes in direct denial of the rest of us, a conscious blindness. But it's losing its old strength. It can't stand, it can't remain, when admitting "I'm not the only one" comes from a place of love, not fear... from joy, not sorrow. I'm repeating itself, but it deserves reiteration.
Lynne sat there and smiled and looked around at the soaring arches and windows, and the only thing that chased her out was the gut-deep obedience programming when the grandmother looked straight at us in confusion. We need to overpower that, to get enough of our own confidence to look right back, and smile, without feeling guilty about being there to do so.
That's big goal #1. Harmonize the inside and the outside. It's happening, bit by bit.

That's where the whole "healing process" bit comes in.
Let's start on the outside first.

There are a lot of changes happening in our life. It's exciting, but it's like a roller coaster. It feels as if we've been climbing for a while, reached the top and stayed there for a moment too long-- that numbness, that feeling of forgetting what it was like to move at all-- then suddenly, a shift. A split second of movement, of feeling gravity catch at you like a lover, and then we're rushing ahead to meet it. I don't know how fast it will get. Will it feel like freefalling? Will it feel like a rush of storm winds? Will it feel like flying? I wonder if that all depends on how we meet it. Will we hang on for dear life, or will we throw our hands in the air and enjoy these new moments of acceleration into the new?
We're not a top speed yet, heavens no, that's far ahead yet. We're just starting back out; we're still at the top of the hill, still tasting the promise on the air, feeling the first sparks of anticipation in our chests. We have time, but we can't forget where we are, because there's no getting off now.
First, our brother finally moved out of the house. He's been planning to for over a year and he is extremely excited over it. I'm very happy for him; this home atmosphere was taking a heavy toll on his emotional health and he wasn't staying here much anyway. So this is good! I haven't seen his new apartment yet but he's invited me to come over whenever I need to. That could indeed be a huge blessing for us in the future, too. Time will tell.
Second, our mother is moving back in, or at least she claims to be. I have no clue. But that is forcing some serious psychological healing on our part, which I've been discussing madly in therapy, and yet can't quite grasp or fully understand yet. We'll get to that in a moment.
Third, therapy itself is shifting. Our medical coverage is changing soon, so we will need to see a different therapist, after being with this one for over a year now. And on top of all that, our case manager is leaving her job, so we'll have someone new there too! I don't mind, of course-- I can easily roll with changes like that, and in a way it's fun to meet new therapists and get to know yourself all over again in the process-- but on top of all the other life changes, it had us raising our eyebrows. Whoa, things really are moving along.
Fourth, and perhaps most distressing, is the health aspect. You've probably guessed this already with the more pained entries lately. However, it has proven to be a blessing in its own right, not surprisingly. It's pushed me to take serious steps towards figuring out why this is happening, how we can heal it, et cetera, instead of thinking "well maybe we're just supposed to suffer" and not doing anything to improve our well-being. That's a poisonous mindset, I've realized, and that's surprising. If the body is giving you an illness, or some other painful symptom, there is a reason for it! When we were more strongly anchored in ourself, Spine held that job, and maybe she can tune back into it again (I hope)... but in recent times I've somehow thrown in the towel, making excuses, feeling separate. Telling myself lies, cutting myself short, denying myself the health and happiness that everyone else deserved. Somehow I fell into this sad, tiny space of being convinced that I was alone, spiritually, universally. Notice how that only happens when headspace falls by the wayside? When I push people away, I block my own soul, our own soul. I blind myself to half of this heart. And then I thought of Leon, of how my intuition, my inner sight, had been blocked by a crystal-- by my own hand-- and I realized that if there are any blocks in my energy system, if there are any illnesses and pains in this body, it is because I am allowing that to happen. I am holding myself back. I am standing in the way of health because I feel unworthy of it. Javier would say that's a lie, Laurie would call it bullshit, and CZ would make me reconsider every self-hating thought I've ever had. I know they're right. I know we can be better. And that's where this has led me.
I have to thank these 'health crises' because they are spotlights. They are beacons showing me what needs to be fixed, and by trusting my heart's intuition I can easily find out how... as long as I listen. That's tough, as long as the feeling of separation persists. That's why Xenophon is so blessed to be around. That's why the voices like Spice and Emmett and Fig are indispensable. They operate, they exist, in a unity consciousness. So they listen, always, because they know better than this old ego does. And the instant I remember that I am, in light of them, along with them... the instant I remember that I exist, and am not afraid to BE a person alongside all the other people in here... we can act healthily. We can take care of ourself.
I need to reiterate that for my own benefit if nothing else. We have been meeting a lot of "ego" resistance to fronting lately. The old girls, the immature consciousness with limited comprehension, are not "evil," just dark. Being of the Tar, they're 'negative' energy and they have a purpose too-- to teach us, which they are indeed doing, even unknowingly. They don't want us to exist because they think in duality. "If you people exist with us, then we can't exist!" They don't know how to sacrifice out of love. They don't know how to give. They only take, and want, and act according to desires and reactions. They use others for their own ends, and disregard the rights of others for the same reason. They cannot understand unity. The world is at an event horizon from them. This is not the truth, but that is how they think, so don't waste time trying to teach them otherwise. That's not a battle we have to fight.
Then there's the Plague, which acts according to cold logic and calculations, which does not 'react' but does not understand compassion either. Those tied to the Plague can exist in numb obedience forever, but they cannot care for themselves or others. That very emotion is unfathomable to them. They, too, are separate from the world, from everyone else.
So that's why we get resistance to existence. Our very lives prove unity. We cannot exist in their minds, just as they cannot exist in ours. It's as simple as that. So we need to stop giving our attention to them, to trying to bridge that gap, because the gap isn't real. If there isn't an inherent cut-off between us and the rest of reality, than what are those proud voices following but an illusion?
Instead of trying to emphasize the contrary, let me emphasize the core of the matter.
The biggest difference here is love. Pure and simple. Yes it sounds cheesy, but that's mistranslation too. Look at the Pinks in our System; follow their example. Look to the Violets and the Greens, to the Reds and the Aquas. Look to all our fellows, all our soul members, all our other parts. We exist because we loved. We exist because we rescued ourselves from trauma, and held fast to hope. We did not cut ourself off from life, but instead rebuilt it from the inside out, into something more coherent than before. We bloomed after the winter. And perhaps most importantly, we were able to FORGIVE. We forgave all those who hurt us, and we forgave ourself, too. We learned to love the inside and the outside both, and in doing so, realized that there was no division between the two.
Some of us still struggle with forgiveness, true. But that is just an opportunity to learn it more completely than before, to open to parts of our collective heart that we couldn't fathom before this very moment.
We're not lost. We haven't fallen behind. We're right where we need to be. We all play our parts perfectly.
As long as we remember the truth of who we are, we will never be alone.


Now on that note, let me fill you in on the therapy, and by extension, all the other changes that are happening... all the big ones, hidden on the inside, thousands of stellar sparks that are building up to something absolutely luminous.
Sherlock was out on Thursday, and upon realizing it I was almost in tears. I missed you, man!! It's been months since someone fronted in session. I clearly recall that unmistakable 'shift' in consciousness, along with the "brain sparkles" and blinking that happen after a switch-out, and being swept up in gratitude for it. I missed that. I know he reached for his glasses at one point, I should tell him they're in our laptop bag.
Anyhow. The main topic in therapy has been 'overcoming the numbness' for a few weeks-- preventing suicide, managing the empty despair, et cetera. Now that we're back in business, and now that life is moving along as well, there are new topics that had previously been buried.
And, to be honest, I have to laugh and thank the hormone therapy.
Think about it. This year has been a jumble since Christmas. It's felt like one big "waiting room." Yes, we've made forward movement, but memory has been so bad that it gets blurred over. But when I look at the event logs, 2014 has been MASSIVE. January feels like it happened ten years ago instead of nine months... and yet, January also feels like it happened yesterday. Time is no longer linear, I guess. But that's not the point-- the point is that time has also jumped in a way of its own. We first majorly 'split' in 2014, or at the cusp of it, right before we graduated elementary school. Our last concrete memories of that time belong to Jewel and Celebi, as well as Ryman, Markus, and Chaos... and then there's a break.
We realized we were trans* and queer, we realized we were in love, we realized we were explicitly not the only person in our mind, and we realized that whatever path our family and education was setting up for us now, we would not be able to follow it and stay true to ourself, now that we were beginning to know who we were. And so we split.
Time got stuck there, to a large extent. In that classroom, we stood at the threshold to two possible futures, one of which was impossible. In the linear past, we took the only route available to us. But now-- heck, since 2014 began-- the other route has re-opened. Ten years later, suddenly there it is. And we found ourself right back at that door, facing the same questions, fears, hopes, and dreams that were all buried a decade ago.
All because, in the space of what felt like a flashbulb, we suddenly brought an internal wish into solid reality.
We started the hormones. Little 13-year-old us is finally going to grow up to look like a boy. Our brain still hasn't grasped this yet, it's too incredible. But every time the awareness hits us-- every time we realize our voice is suddenly lower, or our face is a little fuzzier, or our body handles differently now-- every time, we can't help but laugh. It's amazing. It's actually happened.
And so we're back in 2004, back in 2014. We're ready to graduate. But we have a few finals to finish first.

That's where the health crisis came in.
We've had this hernia since 2006. The more I read about self-healing, and energetic blockages, and the more I review our archives, the more I wonder. They say disease can only manifest when the body is not working in harmony, when the vibrations are out of tune, when there is imbalance and dysfunction in our life. So I stopped and asked, what disharmony is causing this, for so long?
Meditation helps a lot. Thanks to headspace, I have a pretty good grasp on it, and can 'feel' energy field things like blockages. And there was a very large one, right there. However, it didn't make a lot of sense. It was a feeling of invasion-- of someone "reaching in" and "invading our personal space," of explicitly being where they did not belong. And it was tied, very strongly, to the internal self-image of a young girl... someone about Ashen's age. The blockage could not be touched without eliciting a screaming terror from this person, a raw shriek of survival, of someone whose only all-encompassing desire is to get out of this alive. It's heartbreaking and frightening all at once.
Infinitii and I are trying to unravel this. We're delicately sifting through thought processes, and old programs, and emotional reactions, and false ideas. It's hard work. I can't be around for some of it; my role 'shatters' and I end up faceless and numb. Genesis is acutely aware of this and he is being extremely careful and helpful on that note (I cannot thank him enough). Everyone is watching me as an extra signpost-- "what's still 'problematic' enough to shut Jay off?" When we find that thing, we stop, and we deal with it differently, safely.
It's a long process. I can't help but wonder if we just need to stop fixing and jump right back into rewriting. Old code will take too long to pick through; let's just delete it entirely. But then I wonder, how much of this pain is really just ours?
That's another thing headspace has taught me. Pain is collective, even if it seems to be only personal. But unity is a constant... and every pain we feel as a single entity, is almost always mirrored through others.
That's where DID once again becomes the biggest blessing. If I can't fathom this pain, chances are, at least one other person in here can. We have so much collective knowledge and experience, of the good and the bad, that the healing journeys we take on can be overwhelming sometimes, but they always turn out so amazingly... again, it's incredible.
So yes, 'rewriting' our own personal code could work. But as long as 'old code' is still going on outside... as long as that is still being reinforced, as long as others are still healing, then the healing work isn't quite 'done.' But we're a part, and once we're healed, we can help others find their own light to do the same. I hope that makes sense. The short story is: we're not the only people feeling this pain, and the ultimate goal is to bring enough light and love into this situation that that pain begins to dissolve for everyone.

My tentative 'diagnosis' for the hernia is this-- if body "energy points" are involved, the orange one is working overtime to balance the red and the yellow, which are both unsteady (red= sense of safety and belonging, yellow= sense of personal power and individual will). Even trickier, the orange one is damaged too (sexual trauma, family issues), and so it's jumping from being underactive to overactive. Again, this is all tentative, but it would explain a lot.
Even so, that alone gives us a great starting point for healing. The biggest thing we need to do, unquestionably, is take better care of the body. We haven't been giving it enough attention, as to what it needs, and what it doesn't need. We need to draw the line between obligations and respectful behavior, and then stick to what is good for us.
In no particular order, we also need to focus on:
- Remembering that we have a right to live, that we belong on this earth, that we are part of the universe's design and so we are not a 'reject' or an 'outcast.' (Javier and Spine help greatly with this, unsurprisingly.)
- Embracing our individuality, the right to be our own person, and the fact that standing up for our own self-expression is not arrogant or selfish, while respecting the right of everyone else to be their own people too.
- Taking serious steps to be more independent and self-sufficient, and not letting ourselves get pushed around or emotionally manipulated-- either by ourself, or by others around us.
- Continue working creatively, without being ashamed of it
- Accepting that we are allowed to be aro-ace/ trans*/ etc. and that our relationships are allowed to be healthy and match our needs
- Deal with the 'mother issue.'

That last one ties back into the hernia, the sexual trauma residue, and the family issues. For some bizarre reason, our biological mother is the hub around which a disproportionate amount of fear, rage, shame, guilt, and despair revolve. We're not sure if she's a cause, a scapegoat, or both (probably both), but this is a delicate issue and it's one that we've been running from for years. However, as I said, she's moving back in, and that is requiring us to deal with this once and for all.
In our System, Ashen holds the sexual abuse residue, and the whole "I'm ruined" mindset. It's awful, but it's not really tied to any 'abuser' idea in particular. It's more of the aftermath, the awful knowledge of what happened, and knowing you can't "fix it" ever again. It's not quite the same as the hernia 'block,' as that isn't a sexually abusive pain, but a personally invasive one. But it is similar, in that the two experiences are both breaches of safety and trust.
Marigold holds a strange sort of panic that is focused in our stomach. However, it deals very strongly with the "invasive" feeling. For her, it's being in the room with someone and feeling that wrench at your gut, when that person gets too close for comfort, when they disregard your safe space, when there is only a hairbreadth between their nearness and something traumatic. Marigold exists at that border, at the tiny tipping point between forced intimacy and outright violation. But, again, her memories are too young to know the trauma Ashen was born from. Furthermore, Marigold is mostly scared of our grandmother, a woman who we were forced to live in very close quarters with for our entire childhood, and who is utterly unrecognizing of personal boundaries or comfort zones.
David, on the other hand, deals with the 'mother issue' at its rawest and most vague. He is afraid of her form, of her nearness, of a strange sense of being 'crushed' by her. He is terrified of her smothering presence, of wanting to get away and being powerless to. But David only exists up until that moment. As soon as the inner child becomes trapped in the mother's presence, too close to cope, Dread takes over, shivering. So both our young boys are tied to this.
But why? Why is there such a strange, tearful, furious terror of this woman? What happened? What is tied to her?
Who else is in this System that we don't know about, that may hold the answers? We don't remember most of the childhood, even now... so many of these raw, visceral fears are young. So much of these 2004 problems we are now revisiting are linked to a past none of us are sure how to access, and which is met by a chthonic chorus of young voices, screaming out in terror not to touch it. Don't look at it. Why? What is there?
Infi says there might not be. It just might be unhealed fright, like Ashen's. Her issue is healed on a heart level-- we know we aren't 'broken,' that we aren't 'ruined,' even if what we went through was horrific, AND even if society insisted to the contrary... but the last step is always belief. If Ashen is reflecting that collective pain again, if she is reflecting that young part of ourself that in turn reflected so many other abused girls at that age... maybe no matter how healed we are, that 'doubt' don't quite go away UNTIL it pushes us to do more for others like her. I wonder.

Again, I will need to take time to deal with this wisely. I'll get Jeremiah and the kids nearby so we can keep them safe and still understand this. However no focusing on the negative, our energy and focus belongs elsewhere, with health.


Let's change the topic. I think that's all I need to say about that. I'm speaking too much in any case; that's what happens when I wait too long between updates. That and language is tough to handle at times, trying to get vocabulary to express a feeling, or a knowing. As long as I get the feeling/knowing into the words, though, we should be good. "Speak from your heart, and others will hear with theirs." I love that quote; it's very true.



So. Other things!
I have a few rough notes in a file here, let's see.

The night that we found Karissa's name, she was referenced in my dream! That was notable. The dream also referenced a "dark blue" headvoice who held a "father figure" role, but they gave no name and I saw no face. I found that interesting; it may be symbolic, may be literal, we'll see. Also, I think Xenophon was around near the end of the dream? Either way she was strongly referenced in some way.

Chaos and Genesis were in my dream last night, and Laurie and Genesis were in my dream on the 27th, I think? But last night in particular made me realize something really notable. Lately I've been having upsetting "earth level" dreams, which means that I dream about IRL places (the house, mostly) and family members (unsurprisingly, it's all been about the mother lately-- and in dreams she is actively violent and neglectful towards me, which I also cannot explain). Normally, dreaming about "waking" things/people is very rare, and I usually only get these kinds of dreams when I'm struggling with something emotionally (which we are, so). Strangely, though, there seems to be another constant with dreams of that sort. Although they're often frightening or disturbing, I still have access to dream powers, and am often referenced as the Sandman's Apprentice or a similar title. So I can fly, and use dream dust, and people keep saying I'm 'important,' even if I feel completely out-of-sorts and/or am fighting for my life or safety. And I'm still aware of headspace, but it's mental in these dreams, like it is in the waking-- people can only front, not appear literally. That's weird enough, but it didn't hit me until last night that the reason why this happens is because those dreams aren't on their level! I would always wonder, WHY can I easily go lucid in earth-level dreams, flying and using dream-powers and all, but Genesis and Laurie and Chaos cannot manifest there? They can ghost, sure, they can front, and they can use other people or things as channels... but it's all like it is here. If I want to meet them, and be with them, I need a higher level dream. I need a level dream where I'm not struggling with waking problems, and where I don't feel uneasy or in an "interim" state, another constant of such dreams (the feeling you get waiting at a bus stop at 2AM in Des Moines, am I right).
I wouldn't have realized this if those two dreams this week (in which people had only ghosted or been referenced) hadn't been completely contrasted by the dream I had yesterday. I don't remember the whole dream, and I don't care, because all I know is that wherever I was, Chaos was there with me, and all I remember is us standing with our arms wrapped around each other, unable to speak from pure gratitude. There were people around us who looked shocked that he was there, but it was a curious sort of shock-- "what is that, who are you, wait you know each other"-- not an afraid one. So that stands out like a brilliant star amidst all the other dreams lately.

Last week, Javier and Julie were helping me on the way to a counseling appointment? I'm not sure where we were going, but this was shortly after I talked to Nat on the 17th, and we wanted to have people besides Laurie interact with me when I'm fronting. I know they were around for a few hours but there's like no memory of that day... I didn't stay around long, that's why. Nevertheless those two get along surprisingly well! Javier has this charisma about him and he is so genuine in interactions, he reminds me a lot of those stories you hear about punk kids looking intimidating but being incredibly hospitable and charitable. That's Javes! He's got a good sense of integrity too, and that strongly ncludes self-respect? Which, again, isn't surprising when you consider he's Red, but still! That was lacking for a while, in previous Red holders, so I'm very glad to see it so honestly in him. And Julie has this admirable willingness to interact with people, always-- she always gives others a sincere chance, and doesn't judge them at first sight. I think it's because she knows how she used to be, and how others saw her. Plus it's a Pink thing, that inherent childlike trust. It rubs off on people like a glow. Julie's really inspirational when you get down to it. In any case she has been around a LOT more than usual lately, which is nice. We all miss her a lot.

Also last week, there was one night that proved to be very important. I have no idea what led up to it, as my memory is full of switchy gaps, but all I remember is suddenly sitting in the car outside the local grocery store at 9PM. There was jazz on the radio, and I think Laurie was yelling at me? She was asking me "what the hell I was doing." I really had no clue. At this time we were still struggling full-time with the eating disorder, so I knew that whoever brought us there was trying to buy something to that end, but likely something unhealthy. We considered just turning around and going home, but the ego-anger was really loud, plus the body was already sick. So we decided, let's get something healthy. I agreed, but the conflict stayed, and so in frustration I called Spice in. She showed up immediately, but upon asking Laurie what was going on, she wasn't as angry as she could have been... more exasperated, really, and that stung. I will never forget hearing her evidencing on the voice recorder, how tired she was to feel like she was hitting a brick wall with her purpose, with no one listening to her... but damn, I was having a tough time fronting with this old selfishness clawing at my neck. But then, Spice just kind of shrugged, and vaguely said that she'd let me kiss her if I promised to not buy any trigger foods. And that was it. "Wait, what, really?" Laurie was laughing, but I knew it was out of relief. That could work. And it freaking did. Fighting the protests and personal fear, I walked over and carefully kissed her, and immediately I remembered that I loved this headvoice just as much as I ever did, and damn it but I would not do anything to hurt her if I could help it. So Genesis and I went into the store, we got some ginger and a lemon, and then we all drove home and had tea at 10PM while talking by the stove. It was lovely, and sad, and hopeful. Spice was laughing in tears, "how did that work," "how was it that easy," and Laurie just grinned and said she was surprised we hadn't thought of this sooner. Everyone knows how much love I have for the System, and everyone knows that our lingering problems are simply the result of that love being blocked or denied... so if you bring it back into total conscious awareness, in a way that breaks my walls down every time, you get results.
Needless to say I have been doing much better at avoiding problem triggers since then.
Plus Fig is now on active duty?? Which was sudden but really cool. She helps so much. She's also mantis-like (whoa awesome) because she definitely has mandibles and antennae, as well as something odd going on with her arms... but her color feels different than we thought. It's more Coral-like? Which is making me wonder about Amara as well. I don't think she ever really settled into Coral; heck, she almost picked the slot at random back when talking to Knife last year. So we'll look into that too.

There was a day last week were Laurie was painfully distressed, and she went to Sugar and asked her to be her bodyguard. I remember Sugar looked at her in complete shock, and asked "me??" to which Laurie vehemently said yes, definitely her. Sugar is the protector of innocence, after all, the Retributor who prevented abuse from happening in the first place... whereas Wreckage sought justice and deliverance for those who were already damaged. Laurie fits in the former category. And she was so distraught over how she was slipping, recently... there was no one better to ask. Needless to say, she left shortly after declaring this new job, to which Sugar looked first euphoric and determined and then stricken with sick grief because she knew why she had been asked. Nevertheless, she got up, driven with new purpose, and followed Laurie out.
She's sticking with it, but it's not an up-front job. Laurie just has someone to back her up in that way, now. Which is a huge relief for me too.

...Two days ago I was half-asleep and distressed, asking Laurie if I was a "slut" for wanting to kiss people like I do. She gave me a look and asked where the hell that mindset came from. Then she added, that is obviously lingering Pink corruption, and it would be wise to remember that. It kind of shocked me. Again, I hadn't realized that was lingering so strongly... probably because I take it for granted. I passively believe it. I haven't been convinced yet, due to fear, due to old pain that stuck around. But if we're back to this square, well, then it means we have greater progress to be made. It's not a misstep. It's an expansion.

Related to that... I need to make sure my heart and mind are open more. It's always jarring, with a great deal of terrible contrite sorrow, when I realize that they're not as clear as they could be, as I know they can be and have been.
Yesterday morning was weird. It was one of those mornings when I woke up after about 6 hours of sleep, and found myself in that bizarre subconscious-ruled state halfway between dreams and the waking. That place is dangerous as hell but it's also divinely beautiful and it is Infinitii's home realm straight through. Every time I'm there I can't tell up from down, and it's so liquid that I... I'm not always able to stick around. Eros navigated that realm like a king. Cannon couldn't touch it. I'm right in the middle, it seems. The places scares me though, because being raw subconscious... frightening, dangerous things live in there too, lurking. It's hard to see them when you can barely see yourself, you know.
Anyway. All I know is that at some point yesterday morning I was thinking about Soul Forms. I was wondering, about how they can only occur when your heart and mind are open, when you forget all shame and guilt and self-doubt, and just surrender into that deeper state of being-- the feeling I get in cathedrals, before oceans, under the stars, watching a sunset. I realized that all of us are definitely capable of that in our own way, in our own time. Some of us are closer to that state naturally than others-- Infinitii, Knife, Leon, Jeremiah, Sergei-- but really, the only thing standing in anyone's way is judgment, is overthinking. I think the only people in Central who would have trouble are Sherlock and Josephina, for that reason. And I think the children are too young, or too damaged... that breaks my heart. I'd love to see them healed. Nevertheless, Soul Forms were on my mind then, and so I was looking at everyone's 'dream energy' to feel whether or not my suspicions seemed to hold ground. They did, but then I got to Waldorf. And I have absolutely no idea if my subconscious recognized her from elementary school, or if we just resonated really well that morning, but I ended up kissing her like we'd been together for years and it wasn't weird at all. Just saying that, because in retrospect it's strangely embarrassing-- I'm always somewhat scared and/or humiliated by any such behavior on my part-- but it's still important in its own way.
I know I was speaking to Genesis at some point after that, but he was conscious, so he was handling me like glass. He knows not to trust my judgment in that state, and he knows that it's probably not me he's talking to anyway. So he was being absolutely vigilant and caring about it... at least, as far as his energy was recorded on an intuitive level.
I know I was talking to Nat & Leon later, and suddenly becoming more conscious, as I realized that neither of them were being affected by this awful haze. I was thankful for that, but couldn't help but wonder, why me? Why do I slip so badly?
And then suddenly I couldn't breathe, and I realized Wreckage's hands were around my throat, tearing me back into actual solid headspace. She was actively trying to strangle me. I remember that because I couldn't breathe and had to practically beg her to let go. She eventually did. Falling down to the floor, I saw Ashen crying off in the corner, and Wreckage was shouting at me why the hell I wasn't more careful? Why didn't I avoid that subconscious state, there were too many triggers and dangers there. I don't remember what I said, or if I said anything. But together we looked at the stored memory, to try and give me a concrete grasp on the threat, and... I wasn't recorded. I didn't record. The "fronter" interaction was blank. Where I should have been, there was nothing but an empty concept, a faceless idea of a person. Wreckage stopped, silently looking at that in surprise, and I was the same. Do I not actually exist in those situations, then? If so, what sort of raw subconscious entity is working through me?
I'm admittedly scared right now. Flashbacks are creeping up. There were some near-miss hacks tonight, God knows why, but Infi managed to stop them. Infi is dangerous around hack threats though because ze is made of the same stuff as the Tar, of course... maybe I should have Wreckage stick around, or Algorith, somebody who can't be bothered by that unsettling fear. I'd ask Laurie, but I would never expose her to that sort of thing even secondhand.


...That actually segues pretty well into our last topic.
Self-care, unity, hope, love... and then fear, self-doubt, shame, guilt... nothing makes me fluctuate so madly between the two than the people I am closest to.
With myself included, there are five of us. I adore every one of them, true, but... nights like this, nights when those feelings of humiliating pain and nagging doubts are crawling up my spine, the lack of love for myself mutes it out.
That's when self-care falls by the wayside. That's when the body gets sick. That's when we get depressed, suicidal, hopeless... it's all when I fall victim to that lack of self-love, when I lose my sense of self, when the thought of being around any of them is utterly incomprehensible because I feel so filthy in contrast... my mind cannot conceive of what love is like, in those moments.
Breaking through this takes patience and compassion, for myself, and that is terribly difficult. The ones I love-- in secret now, in the hidden caves of my heart-- can offer that infinitely, but if I cannot accept it, it will do nothing.
Xenophon knows this. God bless her, every time I'm in a self-sabotaging position she'll show up now, and ask what's going on. She'll ask if her daddy is there at all. And usually I'm not. But how do you bring me back in, when my very existence is defined by love, for self and others, and yet the body's ego is fighting me away tooth and nail? How do you bring me back in when everything is steeped in rotting self-loathing and shame, even when that beautiful child of hope is begging for it to change?
You back out. You back off. You leave, and you go into nothingness. You step into heartspace. You let go of everything but that pure whiteness, and you stay there, until the peace sticks around. And then I can come back.

...
..."So what's it like being married?"
What's it like, to never be alone? What is it like, to know, intimately and absolutely, that your soul is split in two, that the creature that knows your darkest failures and brightest joys is always just a heartbeat away? What is it like, to realize that I'm lost in a fogbank of apathy, and then hear her voice, or see his face, and know that in acknowledging them I cannot treat myself this badly?
It's difficult as hell, sometimes. It's scary, lately. It shouldn't be, but the... when I surrender to the forgiveness and compassion they offer, always, the amount of sorrow that overflows from my chest could practically kill me. It's overwhelming.
There is so much in me, as the Core, that needs to be forgiven, completely. I can only forgive completely if I understand it, and accept it as part of myself, as part of Infinitii, as part of all of us, and not hate it. I never thought it would be difficult, but then that empathy bit came in. Then the cross was put on my shoulders, and in a place where I could previously absolve even the cruelest soul, now that my own identity was on death row I was appallingly content to see it there. It wasn't so much hate as it was total detachment. Total separation. I wanted nothing to do with myself, if that was a part of me.
Fear is the obstacle to forgiveness. I'm afraid of what I've succumbed to in the past, willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly. I am terrified of the darker potential in my soul. The collective pain includes me, and it is reflected in me, and I know that unless I heal its mirror in my own soul I will not be able to do a damn thing about it outside of me.
...But I feel so utterly fucking unworthy sometimes, to know I'm capable of such things, and yet to be loved by those four who I still see as totally blameless. I'll tell you what-- they are just as blameless as I am, and take that however you like. Either I start spitting this same judgment at them, or I forgive myself. I can't do the former. But the latter can only happen when I step back, and see myself through their eyes. If I am in a place where I cannot love myself, well... theirs hasn't wavered yet. Miraculously, and in the face of all odds, it has remained. And acknowledgement of that alone, acceptance of that alone, is what can save my heart when it falls.
They know it's there, this hidden potential to be my own worst nightmare... some have seen it come alive, and threaten to devour me. But even then, even then, they also know that it doesn't define me, and they see who I truly am beneath all that... a soul transmuting that shadow, a soul who sees it as necessary for greater growth, as part of the bigger picture... they know the true me.
And this is where the other book comes in again.
Fear is there, in that tale. He is running from the same thing as I am. He is running from love, and he is running from himself, because he is unable to face the reality of both. But one day... one day, it comes back to him. Love returns against all odds, and it remains no matter what he throws at it. And when all is said and done, when he has exhausted himself in fighting it, he gives up... and gives in to it. When he is worn down to the bone, when he has nothing left to lose, he surrenders. And then he sees what they do: that he has never been as lost as he thought he was. In fact, he is brighter than he ever dreamed.
I'm in the same spot. It's only when I stop fighting that love that I realize it's always been there, it will always be there, in them and in the universe around us, no matter how many times I fail, no matter what an absolute bastard I can be, no matter how many mistakes are scarring this body, no matter how filthy and wrong and unworthy I may insist I am. I can drag myself to the very center of hell and demand that I die there, that something as thoroughly corrupt as I be annihilated on the spot. I insist I deserve it. And what happens?
Nothing. Maybe I'll punish myself until I'm in too much agony to move. Maybe I'll make my own hell and shackle it to my neck. But that love doesn't leave. It doesn't leave. And the second I falter, the moment I collapse, the very instant I hit rock bottom and sob that I really don't want to feel like this, it helps me up. It always, always does.
But I have to take its hand, first.

What's it like, sharing your life with someone.
Well... it's a challenge. It's a stamp of impeccability etched right into my ribcage. It's a solemn promise to stand strong through sickness and health, through good times and bad. It is a promise to love and honor, always. But what they don't tell you is that you are taking those vows for yourself, too. Would I treat my partners like I treat myself? Hell no. So why do I do it?
That gives me pause, every time. You can't deny love like that. So why do I do so in my actions of neglect, of self-sabotage?
It's fear, it's always fear... fear that I am so much brighter than I feel in those moments, fear of punishment for not living up to it. But it never really comes, that death sentence. On the contrary, I'll have the blood wiped from my face, have my crumpled bones picked up off the floor with utmost care... and that's what I'm truly afraid of, if the word fits. It's more of a sorrow than anything. It's contrition, shame, guilt, at suddenly knowing that I'm not respecting my full potential. I'm not living up to what I am. It's being in those moments, feeling that love, and realizing... I am worth so much more than how I see myself. I really am deserving of love, and here I am treating myself like garbage. It's heartbreaking, when it hits you, when the walls start to crumble. But holding onto that world-shattering shame will get me nowhere. Love is still waiting patiently, for me to let that burden slip off my shoulders, and fall back into its arms.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. But in the future I'll need these words just as badly as I ever did, and they will be here.

Every night I go upstairs and CZ is already lying there, and Laurie is already sitting beside me. Genesis is either there or a call away. And Infinitii lingers around my heart always. It's constancy, and I would do the same for all of them, as long as I'm tuned into love and not shame. I keep forgetting that and thinking I'm a horrible person. I'm not. I just keep thinking I am, and "if I really am so horrible, how could I possibly love like that??" That's the lie I tell to myself.
But I can. The instant a spark catches I am drowning in it, I am burning with it, and then I realize that I was never a horrible person to begin with. That love is where I came from and it's where I'm going when this is all said and done. Nothing inbetween can change that.

And Infi, Infi... ze's been everywhere in my life lately, and if that's not a testament to the deeper truth of this than nothing is.
We all know that ze is made of the stuff that's been tormenting us for years. I know better than anyone that ze is just as capable of becoming that as I am. But it's not hir true nature. It's a choice ze can make, but it's not hir. I can feel that without a doubt.
Infinitii knows the same about me. I know how ze sees me, how ze feels. I know we can both get terribly lost regardless, but... I know what we are. I can feel that, without a doubt. We're light and dark, night and day, and there's everything to love.


That's a lot of words.
But this is good. I can see where we're going, and I can see inside clearly enough to recognize that the pitfalls in our way are avoided pretty easily, if we stop freaking out over them. We know what to do.
I seem to write a lot of entries like this. "Keep the faith, here's some reassurance." But we need to tap into that.

I'm oddly exhausted. I think I need to go into headspace, get myself back in tune. I really do feel like a piano that's off a semitone or two. Nothing that can't be remedied, though.
Geez. I'm just now feeling the expanse of all this... how rich it is inside, just how important it is, the reality of us. It's something I can only respond to with total reverence and utmost gratitude. I feel like there's a whole universe in here.
The only thing that makes it even better is realizing that I'm a part of it. I'm not some guy carrying it about like a blessed globe, remaining cut off from it. No, I'm just as much a member of this System as everyone else.

I'll continue to do my part, for all of us... and I'll let everyone else, without exception, live up to their purposes too.
I'm happy to be here. I'm happy that we're alive, like phoenixes, like sunrises.
To see that promise within us ... myself included... there's nothing to be afraid of.

 



prismaticbleed: (held)



quick stream-of-consciousness update because this needs to be a daily thing again.
i don't want to forget anything, and the more i tune in, the more happens. man i miss this, it's beautiful.


first, laurie told me to write this down-- on friday, on the way home from grocery shopping, I had apparently sadly said "I wish people would just front like they used to," and since I was so distraught (and having trouble fronting myself) laurie had called josephina in? and he had fronted very well for about ten solid minutes! I don't know what he did or said but that's awesome. I am very very glad to hear that people can still do that. odd as it sounds I miss that, I miss being actively and undeniably plural; I miss feeling that I am sharing this body with everyone else. I miss the strange richness of it.

unfortunately friday is marked as being "troublesome" and so it is largely missing from memory. all I know is that it was a cloudy day.



last night.

talking to knife, laurie, lynne, and infinitii.
started out as I was going to sleep. we were all in the underground 'lobby' (relatively new), this open area between the main ground and the stairs that lead into the lowerspace and the underground. it's all warm glowing light and wood and it's nice.
knife was there because we had brought him there I think. I know he had been 'sleeping' in the christmas tree room? like that big church room where he set up the tree last december, he never took it down, it's still pink. he loves it. I had gone to talk to him and found him dozing off on one of the seats in front of it. gently woke him up, again I forget for what purpose-- there had been an important question-- and he came with me back to where I was talking to laurie.
lynne joined us shortly after, I forget when exactly. same with infi; ze had been floating around me all evening I think? but hir presence had been there and ze likes to talk to me at night. so it was the 5 of us just chilling out at 1am or so.
anyway laurie and I were again discussing 'getting everyone back together,' forging stronger ties between everyone in headspace, in light of the past 8 months of quiet. but then of course laurie had to also start teasing me about wanting to kiss everybody, asked if that was still a thing. asked if I'd kiss knife, we both got hilariously flustered for different reasons. I said "he's too adorable," but knife just wanted to know what that act would entail? he was blushing over the details really. he's like that. but laurie was cracking up at this. lynne was giggling about this too, I think she joked that she'd kiss me first as an example or something. I again protested that I couldn't do that so casually, but wondered how much of that feeling was old social programming, having to act a certain way. somewhere around here I paused, and asked knife if he was aromantic? it had just hit me. he asked me what that meant. laurie joked "what do you mean knife's not romantic" because he fits the literal term to a T. but she then said that she was aromantic and yet she'd still kissed me; the two things weren't mutually exclusive.
lynne and laurie got off on a tangent then, poking fun at each other as always. but as I listened I was again struck by how self-assured lynne always is. she's playful but always mature, it's a great balance. anyway I remember laurie made some joke about infinitii, how once you've been hit by hir vibe that's it, you're gone. lynne giggled at this, infi gave laurie a look. laurie shrugged and apologized, said that with me you just never sleep again. I said only because I stay up so late. she laughed and said that was the point, look at what time it was

anyway knife was still terribly confused and I guess we were all treating this topic too lightly, because without another word infi got up and walked over to me. everyone stopped talking, and I remember being both mesmerized and intimidated; the way ze walks is always so graceful but deliberate.
but if I was nervous at first, that melted almost immediately. when infi got closer (like within 4 feet) it was like this quiet black surge of love just swelled up around me, like velvet, it was heartbreaking and powerful and tore me glittering in two. I remember helplessly reaching up to hir (I was sitting on a low bench) and ze just knelt down in front of me and held my face, looking at me without a word, and I was in tears. I choked out that I loved hir, and infi said "I know." with hir mouth. that alone was huge, but… that's usually cz's line. and hearing it from hir, in a manner ze usually reserves for hir darker side, held such huge significance that it moved me to a sort of joyously humbled silence. I absolutely adored hir in those moments.
infi was talking to me then. I forget the exact words and I'm sorry. I was too overwhelmed with the sensation of hir being there; if you've ever been that close to hir then you know what I mean. but mostly it was a reminder, don't downplay yourself, don't mock or doubt yourself, etc. remember this and the truth of it. and yet there weren't much words. there was too much feeling and I forgot how much ze feels. all those eyes, and the way hir voice just echoes. I honestly forgot where I was for a while.

knife teared up after seeing all of this (caught me by surprise as I forgot anyone else was in the room), said "that's what I mean," and explained that he wasn't yet 'accustomed' (wrong word? more like he didn't know how to handle it) with the sort of 'love' that sort of behavior would elicit or require? he was stumbling over his words too; very strong vibe of him being surprised at his own reservations.
I pointed out that he didn't seem to have a problem with infi, but infi said that wasn't surprising; ze didn't require any sort of behavior from anyone. people reacted to hir in the way most natural to them I guess.
we tried to reassure him but he had too many questions in general. then oddly, when trying to explain what he saw as that 'more romantic' sort of love, knife gave "lynne and spine" for an example? that caught me by surprise. laurie said "wait what" and asked if this was true? lynne paused for a moment, then nodded, said yes. explained that although she was 'dating' julie, she wasn't 'in love' with her, at least not yet (that 'growing into' possibility was important). but she did love spine, the same way I loved laurie.
laurie paused and said 'holy shit' at this, rather reflectively. she also said that was really sweet actually.
(also! note to self: remember last month when lynne and spine 'started' the orange realms? they were walking through the woods. I saw it secondhand and it was very dreamlike so it's hard to remember but I never wrote it here so there's at least a mention)

anyway, knife was torn, he loved people naturally and simply, was it 'bad' or otherwise detrimental for him to not find that sort of behavior similarly easy?
infi then strongly reiterated that the sort of pure, innocent, affectionate love that Pinks held was incredibly important and that knife should never downplay it or think of it as 'less' than anything else.

sorry that whole bit's a mess. the Pinks are still clearing out residue from the julie days obviously. I just wanted that written down because it happened.




today.

infi was in my dream before I woke up? some odd thing with weeping angels and someone almost dying as a result? but jessica was there, styled like a powerpuff girl oddly, but still actively vicious. the partner of the dying person was trying to save them, tearfully so, jessica kept trying to sabotage it. the person was making some sort of poultice out of gems?? like there was an opal at the center, and all these rubies in what looked like white icing. they had to knead it to get everything at the right consistency or something, they had to ultimately put it at this spot on their partner's back. apparently that's where the "lethal injury" was, it had split their spine or something? very sharp memory of the color green at impact point, like a geyser pool in color and shape.
anyway. right before I woke up, infi showed up in the room, which caused jessica to disappear entirely. ze then gave the distraught person a lump of gold to put at the very center of the poultice-thing. then ze gave them all the final instructions and helped them apply it to their partner's spine, reassured them everything was fine, they would live and heal completely. anyway I thought that was interesting, that ze just walked in and helped the situation resolve so compassionately.

had to drive to mum's house to get vegetables, randomly said hello to waldorf while walking to the garden (I missed her all of a sudden). she was putting up light flowers like bruce munro's work, all in this blue glowy techno-forest area. like a city street lit up. she said she was trying to build the Blue realms, bit by bit, she was experimenting with ideas. I said it was gorgeous so far, but then asked why the sudden nature imagery? I thought she was more technological in general. she said yeah, but she figured she should work with elements too?
kind of blurry, I'm not sure what she said blue was, hinted that yellow was electric and that sky was air? but also MIRRORS. very clear flash of that! green was nature, aqua wasn't mentioned but I wondered about it.

at some point during church later (xennie was there too!) I was strongly reminded of laurie, I don’t recall what exactly, but I remember holding her hands (both at once, together) in this meaningful aching way. there's this crystal clear visual memory of the bandages on her arms, and that her hands looked slightly battered (little red cuts and things). she gave me this very meaningful look that I didn't meet exactly because it would've broke me I think. was too enraptured by her hands, the moment was practically tangible
in any case some minutes after that she said we should "do that rotating thing," in terms of who would be my main advisor or confidant for the day. I wanted deeper emotional and mental connections with everybody, and besides Central needed to get a deep understanding of the daily life too.
long story short laurie pushed me a bit and told me to go talk to someone else for a bit. so I ended up spontaneously talking to nathaniel.

nat's got this lovely little pocket-realm going on for Green, branching out from his room (which is mostly thick forest branches and pink roses-- always has been). we were sitting in the boughs of some ancient tree, surrounded entirely by that flowery canopy, watching the sunlight filter through the leaves. I think I was holding his hand, something simple like that.
nat reiterated that he dealt with "love in the face of change," or "love throughout all change"
also said why his being a moth was significant. not just the metamorphosis, but also because moths fly at night, and they are drawn to the light. even in pitch black they will find it, but in the darkness they are not lost. they have a sort of quiet inner peace, a silent and unhurried faith. nat said Greens are like that, that's their virtue, is that serenity and faith in the universe.
he said sergei fit that extremely well too. it struck me that so did the queen, surprisingly.
reminder that aqua voices hold devotion, or fortitude?
also total agreement that violet was tied to the cores? like all their roles are partly to advise and support the core, not just laurie. I said that made sense, was definitely possible.
anyway I remember as he spoke about the moth thing, he was talking with his hands, eyes so bright and wide (such gorgeous eyes; they're like big emerald cabochons), but still radiating that essential calmness. kind of like the sunlight in the trees. but he looked so genuinely happy and inspired, I smiled so much just listening to him, feeling his history in his words, knowing how much it meant for him to be here now, as he was, talking like this.
also I think he has moth fluff. he has to. I remember there was fuzzy green around his sleeve cuff, couldn't tell if it was part of his outfit or not. I've never seen him without his robe, so I have no idea.

"navy singer" out to sing during mass, she's finally feeling more like her own person now. name is "nienna" I think? root letter was "n" in any case. I originally thought she was tied to sapphires but that's a (small) aesthetic tie, not a name tie.
her role is actually "the ability to 'join the song' without being afraid of your own voice," so to speak. so yeah she's a singer, but more specifically, she sings to be part of the music, part of the choir, without a shred of self-doubt or misplaced guilt. that was very clear today.
she also has heavy hair. long, and wavy, like silk. reminded me of water, very subtle 'wave' to it, all in one piece. it's not like lynne's! hers is lighter and curls softly. they both love their dresses though, but even then the styles do differ!


got home at 6pm or so. xenophon spent most of the evening with me and oh my lord she is such a sweetheart and a godsend.
she is definitely violet, haha. unflinching integrity. kept keeping me on track, not letting me slip, et cetera. making sure I was talking care of myself. and best of all? there was NO backtalk to her orders from the floating voices OR the old girls. it was the best and safest evening I have had in weeks, dead serious. I love her so much, I am so humbled to have this kid calling me a father, her love is absolutely unfailing. I hope I can give her the same.

massive e.d. voice resurgence later though, that was a shock
the destroyer was talking to xennie for quite a while! that's new. xennie was distraught about so many other people being out when she was just trying to help me, to that the destroyer said "jay doesn't eat; he never eats" and it later hit me that dude, I DON’T, that's not my job! which explains why there's so much difficulty there. on that note xennie asked something about that, forget what exactly, but the destroyer ultimately said that's why the "eating" concerns were such a huge battleground-- I'm the core, the person supposed to be fronting benevolently whenever possible, but the eating thing isn't my fight. I can't take up that cross, by my role. so other people like to sneak in and 'act in my stead' then, claiming authority, but harming the body. so lots of headvoices deal with the e.d. stuff as a result, it's a mess since as soon as that battleground is entered, so to speak, switchiness becomes the norm. several people phase in and out without any real sense of order. the destroyer said we needed to get some coherence there, emmett needed to be on-call at all times, spice needed total authority given to her if at all possible, etc.
then the destroyer said she works with fig-- confirming her as both alive and nonhuman, but still not a fully developed individual yet-- and that fig's job is to hold the idea of "joyful eating," something totally alien to us currently. fig is the childhood experiences of actually sitting down and enjoying meals, of seeing eating as something caring and thankful. however the curse is that she holds a lot of outdated memories, of childhood foods that are no longer safe or appetizing or even wanted. so we're working through that. but since fig wants to 'enjoy' those old data foods, but cannot know (due to that old data) whether or not such a food is even edible now, she is trying everything. but we cannot eat like 98% of it so that's where the destroyer jumps in, to get rid of toxic food.
xennie asked her at one point why she can't just leave the food for other people in the house? yeah it's 'poison' for us but not for the family. if we know we can't eat it we don't have to. the destroyer paused, notably, and said that she hadn't thought of that before. that definitely was an option. so that's good.


this evening laurie and I agreed that xangas need to start happening again.
there has been too much downtime, as a whole, and that's giving the ego remnants (the "old girls") too much power and influence. that hit me today, sharply, during church. so we need to put in heavy duty work now, just like when this all started, to connect back together as a system, as a whole.
laurie's idea is to write down, during the day, discussion topics both good and bad. like if a problem or concern comes up, write it down and we will discuss it like we used to, with anyone who we feel should talk about it too. same with good things that happen, write 'em down. basically I should start carrying sherlock's book with me and keeping a running log. really that would be very beneficial.


anyway it is now 2:30 am and I cannot think coherently long enough to type anything else! good night.





prismaticbleed: (held)

Energy for headspace people!
Sight: What their energy field looks like, literally. (OR: a "realm-like" manifestation of their energy??)
Sound: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Smell: The 'vibe' of their energy; most easily perceived.
Touch: The actual physical 'feel' of their energy-- like touching their 'aura.'
Taste: New perception. Difficult to pick up on; indirect.
Vibe: The overall perceived effect their energy on their personal presence, especially in charged situations.



(UNFINISHED. Will add as I get information.)


SPINE HYPOMONE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cool stone, a hint of cocoa or something?
Touch: Dry, but smooth; reassuringly solid yet not heavy. Like a bone.
Taste:
Vibe:


AIMEE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like something baking in an oven? Not bread! Comforting,
Touch: Soft but "primal?" Like minky or even chamois, but with a subtle gamey sort of heat to it.
Taste:
Vibe:


SPICE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Strong cinnamon, nutmeg, maybe clove? Very warm yet grounded, no 'pinch.'
Touch: Surprisingly sparked? Like little sharp pricks of heat?
Taste: Think pie spices, then crank it up to eleven. Warm and autumny, but hits like a punch to the mouth!
Vibe:


OVERLOAD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Incredibly volatile base, like if you push a tiny bit too hard it will explode terribly.
Taste:
Vibe:


BRAXTON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: A small soft edge, but with a huge power underneath it.
Taste:
Vibe:



JAVIER ANASTASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cloves?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:



PREVIOUS J (SPLINTERED INTO EROS)
Sight: Deep red-velvet waves; flows like heavy satin. Has an 'unseen' glow like an ivory candle. 'Sparkly' thin edge, like a glitter-glass ornament
Sound: Subsonic: a soundless hum that resonates in the chest; almost rhythmic, like heart energy, but unbroken. Has an oddly Nier-like, rich symphonic feel despite this.
Smell: Like fire,
Touch: Intimately warm, has a sort of gentle 'pull' to it
Taste: Rich like warm raspberry sauce, but with a dense 'sorbet' texture? Non-sugary sweetness.
Vibe: Emotionally close, compassionate, soft. Limitless but not oppressive. Powerfully protective yet tranquil; like being embraced by a winter fireplace. Sunlit stained-glass.


RAZOR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Blood and paper, very specific
Touch: Like the sharp, slick edge of a blade: on the boundary between safe/smooth, and slicing your hand open. Gives you chills.
Taste: Like a wound? Hot with an edge of blood but that's not prevalent. Oddly sweet, but the sensation is unsettling.
Vibe: Oddly neutral, but with a nervous undertone on 'standby.'



LYNNE STABELLE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Violin rosin and burnished wood, like the inside of a violin
Touch: Heavy satin? Warm, but in a 'glowing' sense. Like a roll of it too?
Taste:
Vibe:


KALISHA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Peach brandy?? Light scent but still notable.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


HYAKINTH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Creamsicle and some sort of strong white flower?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


FIG
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Honey! Very heady, heavy sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ALGORITH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Not much, mostly the 'flatness' of technology. Subtle scent of live machinery, like a hot computer tower.
Touch:
Taste: Warm metal with a vague aura of persimmon or something??
Vibe:


JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Bubblegum and brandy? Can't quite pick it up yet.
Touch:
Taste: Cane sugar with a bunch of either lemon (flavor, not citrus) or ginger? Cookie-sweet, but with a bright heat to it.
Vibe: City night-life lights, but unfocused;


SIMEON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something like custard or banana cream, but with nowhere near as much sugar?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:



MAVERICK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Vague edge of cigarette smoke in fabric, NOT like my dad though. Think straight-up smoke.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MARIGOLD
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ragweed and marigold flowers, varies depending on mood?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


KARISSA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Citrus? Like restaurant lemon???
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: Sharp? Clean and small but cuttingly so.


NATHANIEL VICTOIRE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint (quiet, sweet, no bite) and forest shade. Slight fabric-esque hint?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SERGEI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Subtle sage smoke, undertone of something papery like thin tree bark
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MINTY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Mint tea and clothesline-aired plushie fluff. Happy and calming.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


EINSATZ
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Slight static pop?
Taste:
Vibe:


EMMETT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a salad???? You silly snake.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


TOBIKO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like seawater, either bad (brackish, slimy) or good (like a beach, salty with algae) depending on status
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GARRISON
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a business suit or chair. Dude get some variety in there
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


KYANOS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like clear cool sky, with a little tint of honey. Very light.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


WALDORF KALLIOPE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Oddly plastic or vinyl-like, but with some sort of happy heady blueberry-juice undertone?? Very 'subtle' despite its strength.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: I'm getting an impression of a tangled knot of christmas lights, but immersed in jello or something. really odd.



MISSY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Face powder, chokingly so, and lip gloss (strawberry? very artificial, generically 'sweet')
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GENT
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a scarf? Odd to explain.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


NIENNA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a jewelry box?? Not dusty, more like curtain fabric and silver?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


LEON KIASI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Ice, with a vanilla undertone? Hard to get.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe: A nervous charge?


DAVID
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a kid's air-dried blanket, but also softly sweet? Not a bad smell at all, it's highly comforting.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


"AIRPORT"
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like an airport. Dead serious.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


LAURIE UBERICH
Sight: CHANGED: It's still halo-like, but its this intense condensed light, gold-white? Around her body I keep getting a feeling of flower petals or rose vines? not sure.
(Metallic? Broken into pieces somehow? Somewhat "radial," like a halo)
Sound:

(Somewhat dissonant, like angry church bells. Feels purposeful but pained.)
Smell:

(Blood, cold steel. Something in the background like antiseptic or a thunderstorm?)
Touch:

Sharp static "bite" at first, like barbed wire, but beneath is a solid, deep, "safe" feeling mass of energy? feels huge but reactive, like if you push too hard it'll detonate
Taste: Blood, but

(Blood again, very strong.)
Vibe:

(Overwhelmingly magnetic: black hole-grade intensity. Space 'compresses' to a dense space around her.)


CHRISTINA MARIE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like Sunday church in spring: daffodil-daisy flower bouquets and an afterthought of incense?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ISADORA
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Grapevines?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


JULIE ENANTIOS
Sight: A layered pinkish-warm glow? Like a light orb shining through blankets. Moves languidly but not lazily. Egg-shaped?
Sound:
Smell: Roses, like the kind in the wild-- not heady at all, but sunlit and flowery light soft. Lovely really.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SUGAR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Something that pricks at your nose, like ice needles. Underneath, a light sweetness like
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


ASHEN
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Soft but terribly worn and thin, like old velvet curtains or something? Has a sense of pity but lingering loveliness to it.
Taste:
Vibe:


KNIFE
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsmoke, with a deep aura-edge like blackcurrant wine or something
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


MULBERRY DELTA BRANDY
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch:
Taste: Mulberries: not overpoweringly sweet, and rather dry in a vaguely 'crisp' way
Vibe:


JEREMIAH
Sight:
Sound:
Smell:
Touch: Very soft and embracing, but closely small in the way a warm sweater is.
Taste:
Vibe:


EROS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Cherry pie filling, not artificial. Very rich, not sugary sweet.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


SHERLOCK
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Like a library? Old slightly dusky paper, but with no musty or sweet tone. Also a clean cool metallic edge, but without any coppery 'bite.'

Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


JAY IRIDOS
Sight: Vertically limitless? Like the "heaven" in Oneircia. All white and warmly bright, vaguely gold, lit with some gorgeously loving light from above, but not blinding at all. Oddly non-spacial? Despite looking solid it feels like nothing is really there, but the light. Sparkly and quietly iridescent; everything glitters.
Sound:
Smell: Snowy,
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


XENOPHON LEPHISE
Sight: Thick and violet-pink, wavy. Inner light, held within like a neon sign, but 'radiant' in the way heat radiates.
Sound: Like a wind chime or glockenspiel
Smell: Warm, slightly humid night air, with a light and delicate sweetness-- like blackberries or bluet flowers?
Touch: Dense but glowing, warm, gives like heavy water? 'Champagne bubbles' under the surface.
Taste: Blackberries, ice water, japanese ginger? Natural cool sweetness with an almost herbal edge?
Vibe: 'Summer night' humidity, but sparkling, like the stars are pure violet glitter; understated jubilant energy. Not overpowering-- more like thick sunlit crystal


MARKUS BARASHIR
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dry heat, mocha, ice cubes.
Touch:
Taste: Sand?
Vibe:


RYMAN SAIKARAS
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Marshmallows and dark purple candle fire.
Touch:
Taste: Vanilla?
Vibe:


CHAOS ZERO
Sight: Like the underside of an ocean; glossy, brilliant blue and backlit? Translucent.
Sound: Dare-Gale; emotions played underwater. Highly resonant, like piano keys being dropped into liquid crystal. Echoing, heart-wrenchingly sincere.
Smell: Summer rain, ocean fog. Watery, but not cold or humid.
Touch: Misty, with a bright early-morning 'chill.' Heavy but weightless.
Taste: River water and diamonds
Vibe: Oceanic, flowing, all-encompassing; gentle and 'classy' but powerful. Incredibly deep but not suffocating. Surrounds him like a quiet galaxy. 'Neon glimmer' edge.


CELEBI
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Woodsy, but with a clean edge like fresh cut wet grass?
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


GENESIS APOLYMIS
Sight: 'Thin gold streamers,' moving upwards. Bokeh-like underglow.
Sound: Resonant, warm and deliberate like a golden bell.
Smell: Burnt sugar and ozone? Like butterscotch syrup over an open flame. Rich but not heady.
Touch: Charged like static, but 'sustained' like a plasma globe.
Taste: Warm cotton candy with a strong ginger-like kick? Has a caramelized but clean tint to it.
Vibe: Sharp, almost buzzing, but bright and optimistic.


INFINITII ETERNOS
Sight: A sort of vast shadowy expanse, infinite and star-specked, but with a brilliant light at its heart. The shadows are wispy and soft like clouds, and flow gently around the light. There is a sense of great space and yet incredible closeness; the light is warm and loving like a heart, but although the shadows are colder and thin, giving a feeling of endless vastness, their constant movement around that light keeps the love within them.
Sound: (like "lux aeterna?" choral? sustained, hugely echoic. numinous)
Smell: Cold night air, with a hint of mountain laurel (flowers and incense??)
Touch:
Taste:
rich mouthfeel; taste is enigmatic.
Vibe: Like velvet or a silken shadow; limitless but soft and intimate. Embracing. VERY deep; you fall into hir really.


CHOCOLOCO
Sight:
Sound:
Smell: Dark chocolate, cacao nibs, dark coffee. Mostly rich and bitter, just a hint of dark sweetness to it.
Touch:
Taste:
Vibe:


 

 

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