042523

[prismaticbleed]

rough phone notes for today because our schedule is a disaster and this is the only way we're going to get updates in. 

dream:
Animorphs survival terror nightmare = i  was tobias? endless enclosed bleach-white metal stairs, transforming into ants, Dishonored sneak vibe with butler/president on 6th floor? trains outside? everything felt apocalyptic.
other dream: Klonoa book? red. on shelf. company talking to brothers about the game, i was doing household chores and they ignored me, no one even called me in. i was FURIOUS SOBBING, we are never that emotive in dreams, as we're never conscious-- but this was JEWEL. "don't you understand that game IS my life"
later, in a theater? some sort of "year by year major events" timeline. 1998 came up, Sonic Adventure movie mention! i was glad they mentioned it, but then there was a little eyecatch of all the main characters, and Chaos 0 made a notable cameo. i remember being so happy at how well he was drawn/portrayed, but then feeling this incredibly honest rush of joy in my heart at seeing him. like, peace set ablaze. again, we haven't felt any emotion that clear in months.

woke up at 645
SO TIRED.

SHJ Mass
Couldn't stop worrying over mom junk. afraid of how she keeps trying to get us to spend hours, if not days, up that horrific house. considering "bailing" like astra, moving out of state again. admitted this was a rash thought, but also admitted that we were just that scared.
So much fear & anxious anger. didn't want mom "shackling us to THAT life and THAT face" etc. we CANNOT EXIST AROUND HER and absolutely not in that traumacage of a house.
being around her makes us "stuck in past", destroys sense of self
kept begging God to help us let go and forgive
praying "Jesus YOU take care of it" but couldn't let go of the terror. why?

ran to QOTA for 8
Adoration morning until 10 exactly
SO DISSOCIATED THOUGH.
oh well. silver lining because if it was that bad we would NEVER have been able to pray it alone

CANNON TRIGGERED OUT BY THE DRAGONFRUIT WATER.
we keep forgetting that's all she drank at MU, she would never eat. just the vitamin water.
and she LEGIT FRONTED for a bit. it was surreal. she seems to be TIMELOCKED too.

Walmart stop for some household needs
Genesis & the candle aisle
SO HARD to front. kept getting shoved out by socials. utterly exhausting.

Gas station
SPINNY SELF-NAMEDROP!!!!!!!

Home for 11 or so
SOCIALLY WRECKED. Could not ground or center.

Saying our daily group prayers
MIDSPACERS SHOWED UP??????????
Got our attention because they brought Addy in
FELT THE LEVEL "SHIFT." haven't felt that in literal YEARS. "midspace" has been EMPTY SINCE 2018.
NIENNA, VEIL, MULBERRY!!!!!!!
Then JEREMIAH showed up too!!! Body started to quietly cry & shake from him; Wreckage tightly held his hand; Sugar showed up with swords to pray with him
Sharona & Julie feeling heartache at this; they're responsible for his being so traumatized
Jewel kissing hands "that strike for healing" = Knife, Razor, Julie, Laurie, Sharona. all of them profoundly moved, showed it in strikingly different ways

BTW Infi is still MIA. Feels like war in a sense. Still melting bleeding dying in that greenspace.
But remember Jay talking heart2heart w hir yesterday: "I DON’T WANT TO DIE" for the sake of that loving togetherness

Still no Celebi baby news btw. Remember it's IN THE EGG.

Finally BK prep at noon T____T

At one point Leon flat-out called himself Scalpel's boyfriend, forget context, it was a humorous self-referencing bit though

Scalpel FEELING THINGS about cutting eggs again. the "latent retributor" instinct buried in his name.
Knife inviting him to use his namesake
Said he wasn't sure.
Also saying he wouldn't bail on Phlegmoni bc they're bros

Mimic called out & admitting to global thought access; learning to roll with it & even coerce it? "Intel" he didn't have to hunt down. "Strategic." Laurie says she actually supports him in this searching out, however subtly sneaky, but with a solemn smile warned him "you just might learn something you wish you could forget."
Mim notably glanced at all her bandages then said "fair point"

Sharona VERY disturbed by & disowning name. Mother triggers corrupting her.
she was looking for alternatives online but the problem is, her name was tied to PHONETIC VIBES. the way it "feels" in our mouth is all danger. and that's HER vibe, her function. certain letters are mandatory. so she's upset.

Decided to do laundry to combat the inevitable after-eating nausea+panic
Made it worse
Allbran binge attempt stopped immediately
Still purged from sheer nerves
don't remember any of it. head is a blur and a static shred.
very quickly resolved and fixed though.

sat down at the table by the window, just tried to breathe and find headspace again. find myself.
went upstairs and tried to just start scripture study again.
mimic looked at me for a second, saw how distraught i was, neither of us said anything
and then
he just reached over and tightly squeezed my hand.
now listen
for months now the big thing with him has been personal space. "don't touch me" etc. "why are you standing so close" etc. don't invade his sphere. making me realize how much of our "instinct" behavior in that respect IS disturbing and IS programmed. but then there are honest actions, like laurie leaning on everyone's shoulders, and scalpel's beaming half-hugs, and my always wanting to grab people's hands when i'm especially distressed for some reason.
mimic has NEVER initiated ANY sort of contact. especially not like this.
it was just a second, then he went right back to his indigo-affect tone and "so are we going to finish up this chapter or what" etc. but he cared.
i mean God knows i care a lot about him, about everybody, but reciprocation is different. and yes on some late and/or catastrophic nights he's spit out that yeah fine we do matter to him, don't know why though, etc. but he's never just let it show before. always deflecting and self-deprecating and watering it down.
so. that meant worlds to me.

DN at 5pm, right on time haha
Studying Mark's parables.
shoutout to the HPB translation always, don't know why my brain loves it but it works

neighbors flooding the air with that detergent smell again. but i just thought, "man i'm glad i'm alive TO smell that." completely different response from the allergy-fear frustration earlier.
Really feeling "I was given life, so that I may enjoy all things"

Many distractions as we tried to clean up
Mom text, chopsticks, color psychology, catholicism inevitably
laundry messed up schedule & got us all confused

Julie talking to Adelaide

joking about the pillowcases
julie ALSO helping with laundry. don't know why the spectrumind keeps pushing her out to help but man, she DOES. thank God for her.

forget what happened as i was trying to brush the body's teeth. talking upstairs. but then this:
Mimic comment "hey. The funny farm called. Your rent is overdue."
Laurie "hey man that's high praise, you could've said we owed em a mortgage"
Mimic "yeah, I could have... but that's what you owe the loony bin"

Chaos SHAMELESS FLIRTING WTF DUDE it's been years

continuing the 2012 archiving. determined to get this nightmare of a year done so we can get into the paradoxical heaven of 2013. that's when people started to wake up remember

btw xenophon being an angel today. felt like i didn't see her as much as usual, but her presence stands out as sweeter than usual nevertheless. she kept me hopeful and smiling despite everything.