prismaticbleed | march 24 2015 (Reply)

My heart has been closed for a long time, because somewhere, someone convinced me that having an open heart was the same thing as having open legs.
(strange war between old hack residue and new knowledge. eros and julie at the forefront of protection. infinitii getting torn to shreds by the bombs, so to speak.)

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@ 03:03 am

A quick update for today.

- We went to see a psychiatrist, I suppose for the general first intake? Tons of paperwork. However, in the days/weeks leading up to this appointment, we thought about the last time we saw a psychiatrist, and we realized something-- back then, we had answered the questions according to what we thought was proper or expected. "Do you feel/ act/ think this way," et cetera, and whoever answered the questions back then was too busy smiling and trying to appear healthy to be honest. Well. Not so today. We were lucky to get a blank fronter out-- NOT a numb one, there's a difference! Numbs don't feel anything, don't care, and aren't connected to headspace as a result. Blanks, though... they're emotionless, detached, but not apathetic. They ARE tied to us, if only from a 'reporter' perspective, and they won't disclose our existence unless it is unavoidable. That appears to be their real function-- knowing of us, and respecting that fact totally, while protecting us from the outside, from doubters and condemners. Nevertheless they ARE HONEST. (They also seem to all be in the Gray area of the Spectrum, unsurprisingly.) Anyway, yes, one was out talking for our intake today. They didn't leave any accessible residual data for us, other than what the room looked like, so we "lost" two hours there, but for once we don't regret it. We know who that time went to, and we trust them, whoever they are, and we are glad.
- The psych had a little Good Luck Bear plushie on her desk, which caught Minty's attention. What was surprising was that she actually ghosted to sit next to our fronter, if only to just be there. Later on Genesis ended up sitting in a chair across the room (lounging in it is more accurate), which I only know because our fronter was backing off a bit at that time (the psych doc left the room temporarily, after our existence was disclosed and the blank therefore could freely hand over the reins to us), and I got to sit in the body for a minute or so.
- The docs prescribed Abilify BUT as soon as we got to the car (we were massively switchy and dissociated between there and the office, lots of fragmenty stuff), our infamous "manic red" fronter came out and started laughing and ranting about it... TO US. That is VERY NEW. Weirdly she's always known about us, but in a sort of "I don't care" way... she was always more concerned with doing her own thing. But now, now she's starting to warm up to the idea of other people, if only in a rather narcissistic sense-- she likes being the center of attention. I'll admit though, I don't dislike her. Her energy is blazing but it's not malevolent, really. It just has a tendency to edge over that way when it gets overwhelming. She's like a sun strapped into a skeleton; all plasma roar and victorious laughter. She's funny, too. Only thing is she needs to turn down the fire, because after barely 10 minutes of fronting the body is exhausted. It also HURTS in her wake, I noticed that following her in. Some fronters leave like little "hook-scars" in the brain when they leave, like walking through a patch of brambles. She leaves something like a fishhook brushburn. But at least she can be reasoned with, and she's willing to leave and let other people out when her energy isn't proper for a situation. That's really significant too.
- But yeah, she was furious-laugh-ranting because they gave us Abilify "to deal with your inability to express emotion," when in fact what had happened was that our blank fronter was one of the ONLY PEOPLE in the System to even have that problem. This girl, this explosion of extroversion, was the polar opposite of that. So she took it upon herself to front very loudly and therefore invalidate the claim that we were emotionless. I had to point out that the Abilify, being an antipsychotic, was also used to treat aggression/ tantrums/ mood swings/ etc. tied to bipolar disorder and autism, so she had to be careful. To that, she then began calling the meds a "neurological sedative" and refused to let the body take anything that would "suppress her existence." All in all no one was happy about it but she took it personally. We then found out that there is both corn and milk in the pills, and ended up laughing because "hey, a loophole," in case anyone was stuck having to admit that we weren't taking them and needed a "non-weird" reason as to why. (Oh yeah, and it can also cause weight gain, to which every E.D. voice basically shouted hell no, not again.)
- I do want to note that it feels like her energy IS blurring with the "clean cut" Razor splinter voice, who also feels red, and whose energy is terribly similar to this manic girl's (same root anchor? no idea yet). So we're getting name-hints but we don't know whose is what yet. I'm sorry for the blurry data but again, this is new. We haven't been in a state of mind where things are open to just LET people front at will, like the old days, which we all miss. But that's happening again now. We're a "we" again. I'm also terribly sorry for having said that over and over for months now, I think... it's just that, no matter how many times it may happen, these flashes, they're new. They're wonderful. And they're all steps up. We never step back. It's like... finding the exit door, only to find yourself in another little labyrinth. But you're out of the first one now, the big heavy one. You're out, and you're closer to the outside now, just don't give up. There are more doors. Now there are windows too. It's going to be okay. And it is okay, when you remember that regardless of physical distance, hearts are forever tied. No one, ever, anywhere, can take us away from each other. There's just a little more space, a little more fog, hanging about than is healthy. It's not permanent. If I can't see them, I can hear them. And if I can't hear them, all I need to do is move about a bit, in any direction, and I'll bump into someone eventually. If I can't move... I couldn't say, because I've never been in that position. Even if my steps may appear to be missteps, at the time, my feet are always free. As long as this body lives and breathes, I will make its life a testament to hope, through me, through us. And when it dies I can only pray it will leave that behind like a gold dust.
- That got kind of poetic. It's 3AM, that is why.
- The most important thing about that whole appointment, though, was the feeling I got when I was in the body for a minute. It was this intense validation, this feeling of incredulity and gratitude, of realizing that we just told a doc that we exist and they ROLLED WITH IT. Neither of those things have EVER happened before. We opened our heart to the reality of our own existence-- a terribly, sadly hard thing to do lately, what with feeling such happiness is "evil" for some unknown reason-- and then had the absolute guts (or the total lack of comprehension of "guts" or the lack thereof, thanks blank fronters) to ADMIT THAT to another person. So yes. It felt incredible for a minute. It felt like... tuning into what we were, into WHO we were, those first steps at becoming a sort of "family" inside back in 2010, but without the crushing pain and fear and anxiety Cannon's timeline cradled. We've healed so much now.
- I saw Central talking amongst themselves earlier, not sure about what, but Leon was doing the whole air-summon thing that previously only Laurie and I have done actively (it's like forming small temporary "holograms" in the air, to illustrate a point or express an idea). Laurie did compliment him on this, rather amazedly too. He responded with something along the lines of, "I want to be more directly active in Central." Which I HOPE he does, I love him, he's such a great guy.
- On that note Javier already has total "you can chill in the Core bedroom whenever you want" rights. He's too cool (ironically). Personally I do feel a BFF-y connection to him as the Red holder anyway, so. It's great.
- Jayce has been helping a lot lately, being our reflection dude. Nienna is still singing. We're all making sure Spine sticks around Central. The Undergrounders are all doing okay. So are Jeremiah and the kids. Julie still has her ribbons on her arms. Laurie is healing her anchor. So is Infinitii. Patience and compassion are key. It's amazing how deep it all goes, how much still needs to be untangled and healed and loved back to light, bit by bit. We're getting our strength back, our warrior blood, and prophet heart. Bit by bit.
- Lastly PLEASE remind me to finish transcribing/uploading the massive amount of neglected data files on Mitchell & Morpheus, our voice recorders. Not only will that help me anchor in this new "we do exist" joy again, but it will also get us back on track with what's solved and what isn't.
- There WAS snow the other day and there was a spring sunset today and it's supposed to thunderstorm on Thursday. What a week. Life is nice.

Good night everyone. I love all you readers and passers-by and people so hold that to your heart and be well, if only for the moment. It'll stick.