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Guys I have to show you the snow today it was HEAVENLY.
I want to go outside and run in it forever. This is the sort of weather that just makes my heart burst with joy, it makes me so blissfully happy no matter what.
It is how my soul feels, in the inside. Exactly so. It's this... incomprehensible fragile intricacy, all that ice all over the trees, the fine lines of black against the crystal chill... like lace, like little fractals.
It's powdery too, which means I can go outside and run in it, and it feels like magic. I did that today. I will do it again tomorrow.
Oh yeah, about the pics. Photo #1 is the "favorite cherry tree" in the foreground that some social(s) have mentioned before. Past it, that dropoff is the "back hill" that we dream about sometimes-- in dreams there's a full river down there, and typically lots of wolves.
Photo #2 is another view of that hill, straight-on
Photo #3 is the front ledge where we stood in this dream, with the ice bubbles. Behind it is Diamew.
Photo #4 is the front hill straight-on. That hill is the entrance to There in dreams; there's usually a huge fallen tree across a river there, and it's much steeper. Again, Diamew is barely visible in the far right.
Photo #5 is the area beside the garden, which in dreams is the road to Ephenburgh. It's also where we used to explore in the childhood, although memory is sparse. There's just a feeling of rich depth to those woods, how far back it goes. To the left there (back in the woods) is technically Orocell, a sub-area of Diamew. There's a fallen strangly tree there that landmarks it.
BUT YES we live in heaven and it is so nice you have no idea how happy I am about this. I even found a candy cane in the house and even though I couldn't eat it it felt like Christmas, legit.
Song of the night, because I can, here you go. It sounds like early happy sunlit mornings. Even though it's LATE LATE. But it matches the smile-peace of late hours pretty well too. It's that delicate time period... late night, early morning. Quiet and soft and clear. Morning just has that bit of a bright sparkle to it, like that song! But it'll be here soon enough, haha. Let's be asleep by then, I hope.
Mage Angels jumped me with ANOTHER plot-changing revelation yesterday, so I was up until 4AM researching all sorts of stuff, stockpiling global maps and ethnicity data and bits from the Book of Revelation. It's exhausting. That series has a weird "feel" to it right now, a tiring feel as well as a too-much-data one. I need to tune back into its story, or else it will become so intellectualized I'll lose sight of its truth. Intuition is key with writing these things; the best bet is to just relax, open a figurative door/window, and see if anything comes in. Trying to "control" the growth or information just makes everything false and wrong. So I should maybe put this on pause soon? I can't force a break-- it'll stop talking when it decides it's done, not when I decide-- but I'll see if any other World wants to sing just as loud.
Dream World never stops, of course. There is SO MUCH SHEER WORLDBUILDING that needs to be done for it, but I'm not really diving into anything else UNTIL I finish this bloody Typecode system, good heavens. It's making more sense lately, though, the more I "get out of my head" when working on it... I need to stop treating that stuff like "game mechanics" because it's NOT. It's an element of their lives. It's organic, and heart-based, and it's not as set-in-stone as my organizational brain might want it to ultimately be.
The other perpetually-being-worked-on point is the spiritual/religious system there, what with the Prophets & Seers & Guardians and all that. It's very interesting, and I keep finding out more about it, almost daily. I really really love the individuals who hold those roles in the "story," so I'm enjoying this work no matter how massive it is.
Also, E, I am working on your art request but my deciding who/what to draw unexpectedly triggered a hugely vital bit of plot development, and my workload kind of exploded so I'm sorry for the delay. (thank you though, i've been trying to fine-tune this particular bit of stuff for years.)
In therapy we're finally talking about family problems, although Monday was messy because the topic was so instantly "traumatic" that DREAD switched out unannounced and really worried the therapist (he doesn't respond or move). Then "Hatchet" (miss "manic red," she's working with us more actively now since she feels her existence is threatened if she doesn't; to quote her she's "throwing [my] lot in with the lot") fronted for a WHILE (again) and honestly I'm still kind of shocked at how fiery she is. She's aware of the floating voices and the trauma and the like, but she will not tolerate it and actively expresses rage against it being "ridiculous," even if she "feels sorry for" those who are still enduring it (she can't really comprehend the "bluer" emotions (green and up) well, it goes against her function). Basically she DOES have potential to be good, and she is acting on it, she just needs to grow into it more. There are so many social splinters, it's confusing. We're learning constantly though.
Jay also fronted during therapy and mentioned the whole "visual aid" thing, in light of how most of us don't announce ourselves upon fronting (due to always being in "stealth mode" for safety's sake, as well as because of the ignorance of most socials of awareness of the Spectrum itself). Sherlock's glasses were mentioned, as was his beard. The therapist also brought up Laurie's posture (she owns every chair she sits in) which is one of the "loudest" visual affectations any of us have when fronting.
I forget what else was mentioned. It was mostly struggling to discuss the family topic. We talked about memory loss and massive depersonalization from the "past life" as a result, etc. I think on Thursday we are going to make a super-strong effort to actually discuss trauma. The psychiatrist emphasized that too; she's acutely concerned about us (if we're judging her behavior correctly) and told us specifically to "open up more" in therapy, which we promised we would.
We're a little scared because we've been "beating up the body" lately too much, through deprivation and passive abuse and the like, and it's starting to get sick. However there IS a silver lining to this; we are at a point in our development and healing where this feels like the "end of the line," the final stamp on our struggle with this situation, forcing us to review what we learned and stamp it into solid practice immediately.
Looking back on just the past 4 months, even if we've felt stuck, with how difficult a lot of this stuff is, there is still a surprising amount of visible and measurable progress. That means a LOT to us, to be able to SEE a shift in the right direction even if we've felt like we've been going in futile circles. We haven't been. So that's good. Again, we just need to really "lock in" that progress now that we have it achieved.
There have been two "hacks" in the past two days. They're shrouded in numbness so we can't talk about them right now. Jay and Laurie also think we should use a different term for "hacks" of that sort, as they don't follow the old 'format,' so to speak... Laurie says they're more like Trojan horses. Sneak attacks, almost. More like... an attack that doesn't bleed, and might not even hurt much, but that still does serious damage. It's a Plague hack, not a Tar hack, essentially. I guess that's the most accurate differention we have, haha.
Even so we might try to have a small Xanga session tomorrow, for the sake of getting a grip before therapy. There is at least one social who admits sabotaging our efforts to do that, but she's learning empathy so maybe we can reason it out with her.
We need to sleep now though. We're only going to get 7 hours, tops, as it stands-- tomorrow is the huge errand day, as the grandparents get their paycheck and we can FINALLY buy food (March was hell; our pipes froze and we had to spend a ton of cash on laundry).
I'm still in debt for that same reason and that is worrying me but I am going to TRY commissions soon. I just need to be very very clear on what I will NOT draw, because the last few attempts collapsed for that reason. Art should be about joy and creativity, not stress and worry and stepping all over my personal integrity.
EASTER IS COMING and that is super fantastic glorious. It feels like it's going to be significant in a quieter way this year, but no less potent. We'll see.
I find it terribly ironic that Chocoloco is, quite literally, a chocolate rabbit and yet he threatens to strangle me every time I so much as look at Easter candy. I'm glad he's that loud and insistent though. There are still lots of younger socials who don't realize sugar is a threat because they interpret it as sweetness in a psychological sense and DON'T KNOW how "food" even works. So we'll need to talk to them too, if we can reach them....
Geez there's so much work to do inside too. No wonder we're so worn down. We haven't taken a break since the surgery, and even then it was short-lived; we jumped back into daily life as soon as we could. But I think we need to learn to rest. Safely.
That too, reminder-- safe exercise was brought up today, what with "compartmentalization of functions" for that very purpose, and how VITAL that compartmentalization is to our well-being. Also remember Hyakinth's real job, that's a whole new ball game too.
Okay, it's 1AM. Good night everybody.
Enjoy the snow if you have any where you are!!
