080417

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

 

ollie waking us up after barely 4 hours of sleep and feeling more completely deeply rested then we have in our whole life

blessed conversations just lying in bed together in that morning light. everything feels perfect.
that awful background ache of feeling the countdown timer and realizing this was it for now. wanting to live in that warmth for all eternity

infinitii not only trying to hum "tessellate" but also "piel" because ze specifically wanted ollie to think of hir when he first hears that song and good lord my heart

ollie suddenly talking to laurie too
"i cannot believe there was a time when i thought that this would kill me"
"you'd better be fucking listening, nexus"
every time she fronts i think i fall in love with her a little more because she is just... beyond words. the most amazingly powerful honest violet knight i've ever known and will ever know. she's amazing.

and apparently BOTH GENESIS AND CHAOS ZERO FRONTED and good lord chaos just locked in his memory of being there specifically for me to see it but i can't, god i cannot look at it or HEAR it (he was speaking in this same body, dear god) because i cannot handle it right now. not right now, it'll crush me. just... dear lord.

no clue what genesis said or did but that's his FIRST TIME FRONTING AND TALKING IN THAT CONTEXT and i am so proud of him. gosh i love him tons, he means the world to me. so glad he can join us with this now; the body is NOT "belonging to the cores;" it's for ALL of us to respectfully inhabit and share and this is like... legit accepting and living of that truth, from everyone.

mentioning how honored yet amused I am that I'm always the one being brought back up to the surface after switches
"you're like a palate cleanser" and mentally so freakin chuffed at the idea of being essentially compared to pickled ginger

---

breakfast was the eggs from yesterday and the dinner from last night that ollie got out for us. god it was such a sweet little normal not-trying-to-prove-anything gesture.

listening to infi talk on the voice recorder. again.
that little break in hir voice at that one point just destroyed me
FREAKING REFERENCING THE OLDEST LOVE CONFESSION IN THE BOOK
my heart barely able to take it, thought I was going to die on the spot
utterly surreal. everything being utterly real.

"let's make it twice"
toy soldier suddenly fronting
feeling like suddenly all the stadium lights are blazing
and this incredible rush of power in that voice as well
mental image of solid, solid blue
it's amazing how we can mentally see them when they switch. we just know and it is absolutely undeniable.
that voice, though. man. wow. so absolutely honored i got to meet him once more.

keep thinking of kris saying "fuck all of you" and laughing over how legitimately affectionately amused we were by it
he's awesome. he's just this really awesome guy and we are so honored to have met him and for him to have been so unexpectedly protective and open with us. honestly we were fond of him before but now, geez.

thinking of ALL of them like that. even the ones we haven't met. just… knowing that even the scarier ones are already beloved to us. just by being who they are.

---

our flight was delayed over three hours.
thank you god.

waiting for the elevator. saw the same kind of lizard we saw in the park crawling in the elevator shaft
wouldn't arrive. kept refusing to go down to the 1st floor. felt oddly like "is this even real" and "we're still existing in a different universe" all at once

laurie carrying our suitcase and just being fiercely happy about it, "this is what they need me for," just solid determined strength. no way we could have carried that thing by ourself, seriously dude she's a boss

blue lights in the ceiling. chthonic lights along the road

sitting together and people watching and treasuring every single moment

trying to quietly sing "my true love" as we walked to the escalators but I was already getting scarily dissociative in "preparation" for where we were headed after this flight

had another delay and suddenly I realized neither of us had to be left alone in this
being able to walk ollie back to the car and both of us just in tears

I have no words for that parting minute. it was… it meant so much.
and it wasn't just me, honestly BOTH laurie and infi showed up to say goodbye too and that just wrecks my heart.
(whatever they said I'm sure it was from their hearts just as deeply as my words were)


---

walking back from the tsa scan and having BOTH genesis and chaos zero show up to ghost.
genesis had this snarky as hell joke about this sign that we saw-- one of those "these things don't fly!" lists of what you can't pack. then another sign that said "fireworks don't fly" and genesis said that was weird as it was untrue, but I said "no but they don't fly, man; they just go straight up for a while and then that's it, they just explode. no flying there." genesis got this mock-serious-revelatory look and said "I'm going to have to re-evaluate my entire perception of reality" and chaos just laughed

feeling utterly comfortable in our red heart shirt and red heart glasses and red heart love for everything. smiling nonstop, everything was joy and gratitude for these past 8 days and we were just radiating it.

gift shop store.
bought everything we could that meant something from the past week.
blackberry water, a rice krispie bar, tic tac freshmints, a red heart-jewel keychain souvenir and a magnet that says "someone who loves me went to charlotte, n.c. and got me this magnet" because the KIDS of the system practically DEMANDED we get it. and that felt so absolutely perfect, of course we did. totally a beloved thing now
immediately hit it off with the cashier. sweetest woman. I love how friendly everyone has been here.
honestly that's the one thing we got from our genetic father that we really are grateful for-- this potential to befriend anyone in the room within minutes. we're just naturally, effortlessly, always loving. that's our nature, notably mine. and we can see people respond in kind.
of course we have to be wary and wise and prudent about it. but it is nice, to feel that legitimate human connection so quickly with people. we adore it.

walking by that lovely warm-tone pizza place, hearing "you can't always get what you want, but… you get what you need" echoing, smiling at the sentiment

went to starbucks with genesis (yeah buoy) and got a vanilla scone, shortbread cookies, and a spinach-feta-egg wrap. why not, seriously. it sounds embarrassing to talk about it now but at the time it was just something really nice to be able to feed our body with.

dude and his baby standing behind us, acting like a legit good father, being so kind and playful with this little child and it was so nice to see.

WALKING BY A NUN (where was the prius)

ollie messaging us about our body's eyes. so deeply touching.

BONUS DORITOS; thought of mason legit enjoying the ones we brought home and ollie's amusing disgust over those chips and had to grab one because why the heck not.

(add more from phone)

---

on the plane. (add from phone)

the sky was literally oliver's color. infi's the one who messaged him about it, plus a photo. the sweetest thing.

filmed the takeoff for hiccup to see. good lord the view was spectacularly gorgeous for this flight.

ate literally everything we bought on the plane. no fear, no shame, no regret. we were taking care of ourself and it was so nice to be able TO do so.

(avp fear)

the place was stark empty. remembered colorado. would have loved it except our grandmother was pulled up to the curb outside with a face half deer-in-the-headlights and half laser beam burning your arm off and the dread and panicked fear was too intense to just be able to pretend we could just sleep in that airport.

(meditation room + message)
(no luggage)

(that fucking horrifying body language our fucking horrifying brother did) (he was driving OUR CAR)

on the drive home, the grandmother matter-of-factly saying that "we thought you were murdered" "we thought you were kidnapped" "we thought you were being held hostage and we'd have to go and pay the bail" "we called the cops"

our stomach just flipping over itself in ugly knots

------

LEYLA messaging us the instant we pulled into the driveway. sending her a veritable flood of love because we wanted to make sure she knew we still love and treasure her presence in our collective life.

sitting in the car and just messaging ollie and never wanting to leave that moment. awful wifi up here but I can't complain too much. we still have a connection.

we searched our room and the kitchen until we found the papers with our phone numbers and home address.
wreckage and cannon took them outside with a box of matches and burnt them to ash.

cannon's wrenchingly vernon-like statement of "I'll burn anything to the ground to protect you"

they fucking OPENED OUR MAIL and TAMPERED WITH OUR BANK ACCOUNT because they're so fucking controllingly paranoid, "everyone is trying to steal your identity" and "everyone is out to get you" but what the fuck. what the fuck. how can you even DO that to someone

feeling so utterly sick. god we have GOT to get out of here.

never realizing how BAD the damage was and how TOXIC this place is until you have something blessed and pure to compare it against.

our little brother lightning, god bless him, walking into the kitchen and saying he was sorry but he tried to calm down the family's freakout and he's sorry if it messed with us or anything. and realizing we looked so haggard with our thousand-yard stare and half-washed straggly hair and just shakily but flatly responding "I don't want to talk about it" "but we'll be better later" and we're still fucking waiting but we loved him so much in that moment for always quietly trying to help us. god we took that kid for granted for too damn long

jemma and triple and echo and jessica and jayce all showing up muddled and hurt and confused and desperate and scared. our poor beloved socials; they are so damn brave, even when they suffer we could NOT survive this hellhole without them; we need to keep reminding them of that

trying to eat blueberry pancakes but then realizing they were cornmeal and only the genetic mother makes them that way and suddenly tobiko is out screaming to spit them out and throw them out because they're poison, poison, poison, and knowing exactly why she was saying that, and being unable to bear that feeling in our stomach anymore and just purging everything until we were so tired we couldn't even stand up.

god I hate this
this needs to stop
it's so difficult here
we won't ever stop helping each other
we won't ever give up
but it's so damn hard, oliver. it's so hard to live here.

having to take sleeping pills.
they haven't worked a fucking bit
i don't want to sleep at all
i want to sleep for the next three months

what am i even doing.

there's hope, we have it in our very ribs now, i have NOT forgotten that, none of us have,
but so many of us never felt that because they only show up in the middle of hell and god we need to help them, please, give us all the strength to work together forever no matter what--

 

god. ollie, it's so difficult being here again. not having you around all of a sudden.
we keep honestly looking up to see if murphy is in the room

being so cold and thinking "oh, we can just get that mint blanket" and it taking a few seconds to realize we couldn't

opening the refrigerator and having to take a few more seconds to come to terms with how alien it was all of a sudden

realizing that you won't be the one waking us up tomorrow morning.
realizing that we won't be waking up with you tomorrow morning.

realizing that our shirt still smelled like your house (our house) and nearly sobbing.

our grandmother looking at our suitcase with that scandalized-fury-paranoid expression and just as agitatedly saying (demanding?) she was going to wash all our clothes and we felt so utterly threatened and scandalized by the irreverence. her insinuating that they were unbearably dirty.
("fuck you," triple says.)
we hid all our shirts in a drawer where she hopefully can't find them.

I know we wanted to take photos of every room in your place so we could remember it visually but dear god just sitting here we can perfectly remember every inch of the place.

thinking about that sacred porch and not knowing how I'm going to deal with not breathing that night air and not feeling that wood beneath our feet for a few months.

"for a few months" is the most luminously hopeful thing I can even think of right now.

abuse-battered socials not knowing how to cope at all

forcing themseves to eat until they vomit, throwing up until it's nothing but acid, walking in and out of the kitchen because they are torn between "I don't want to live anymore; I can't do this; I need to bury everything I miss under this disgusting pain" and "oliver doesn't want you to suffer like this; it's unfair to the whole system to disrespect them like this; this body is a sacred thing now and what the fuck am I even doing to it"

laurie in furious tears shouting "what's worth more, this bullshit or oliver?"
and EVERY social said "oliver" but still couldn't stop hurting themselves because we're HERE now, in this bloody house,

it feels so wrong for "here" to not eternally be in north carolina.
it feels so wrong to call anything a home but your apartment.
it feels so wrong to have so little and yet so much forcing us apart.

it's that same damn sentiment of "I can't cope with the disconnect"
"i cannot admit that i've seen heaven and then go back into hell"
it's unbearable and we all know it.
god no wonder those poor socials always want to just give the hell up
they are so fucking tired of this goddamned holding pattern
they are so tired of living in fear all the time.

the absence aches.

infi wants to talk to you. jessica wants to talk to you. I want to talk to you. everyone in central wants to talk to you. the kids want to meet you. razor and mulberry and sharona and algorith and even people like minty and nienna and emmett wanting to meet you.

I still don't know how I'm going to deal with not feeling your arms around us for so long now.
but I remember it exactly. I remember exactly what everything was like.

that damn disorder is on its way out for good thanks to you, too.

knowing we'll never be able to eat french toast again without wanting to share it with you, without giggling at that silly video, without remembering jewel and jayce and actually being able to sit on the floor of the living room to eat it.
being able to make our own french toast and having it turn out absolutely perfect and having that sudden thought "maybe we really CAN make it on our own. maybe it'll be so much lovelier than we ever expected"
remembering the maverick eating bacon & grits on the porch and utterly loving it and realizing that we really could overcome this disorder together.
remembering casual breakfasts on the porch with you and what that meant to us.
remembering how we just talked over breakfast at the diner and we soaked our hash browns in hot sauce and got the last two apple cinnamon jelly packets and we weren't afraid of anything.
remembering eating dinner with you AND mason on the living room couch and watching moana and there wasn't a shred of awkwardness or judgment in it and we felt so at home and we felt so wanted and appreciated and loved. (and I don't care if that okra wasn't made with the ideal preparation; we LOVED it and mason is an awesome cook)
eating eggs and fried rice on the carpet only a few hours before boarding a plane and not being scared at all to eat with someone watching. to not feel dirty about it. to actually be happy that we were taking care of ourself, of someone you love so much.

…now, looking at any picture that portrays love and that voice growling "you should be ashamed of yourself"
"you're a filthy fucking disgusting whore"
realizing how we were so physically purely affectionate with oliver (and infi, infi, infi) and that voice noticing and making a face like we were a rotten thing
"you're fucking disgusting, you dirty slut"

only ever at this house. only ever at this goddamn house.

awful fucking pronoun and name slips because sometimes we can't fucking remember that we're not still in utah and being absolutely fucking terrified of what "might happen (again)" and being so fucking self-sacrificially hopeful that "maybe this time she'll love us for real" and god I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much.
i cannot tell what's real and what's not and what's a nightmare and what's not and i hate the fucking shit out of it, i want it all to stop.

these past eight days have been the most real thing we've ever felt in our life.

looking at your handwriting in the back of that blessed aqua-eye tablet and suddenly everything is real forever.

and the worst thing is every time we start "falling asleep" and getting those split-second nodding off moments… every time the outside world falls into black we can hear your voice. literally hear it like you're right beside us. a legitimate auditory hallucination, if you will. but it's your exact voice, how you sound when you talk to us in the morning, strangely registering as the same soft aqua green of that tablet you wrote in, the color that means gentleness and love and fidelity to us, everything you gave us.

the background music for the king of sorrow's speech playing through our head and giving us chills too.
that entire game playing through our head thanks to you.

hearing infinitii's voice in my very bones and desperately wanting to hear it again with you. for you. anything. both people I love so very much. both people who love each other and me so very much.
it's absolutely bone-shakingly significant and sacred and i am so devastatingly grateful for it.

hearing "tessellate" and "fitzpleasure" and "breezeblocks" over and over and over.
not being able to tell that voice apart from the former.
thinking of you having owned that cassette tape for years and never knowing this would happen.
thinking of how we couldn't bring ourself to listen to alt+j for years for some reason even though we wanted to and now, finally getting to hear them like this.

remembering hearing "please don't go; I'll eat you whole; I love you so, I love you so I love you so" as we were packing our suitcase and just wanting to sob

looking at pictures oliver drew of himself and recognizing him instantly, just like we did every damn day out there, and it suddenly hitting us how much we love him, how much we love ALL of them.
every image we saved to our computer before that trip is suddenly absolutely undyingly beloved.

...infinitii constantly remembering how you sounded last night and the sheer sense of ardor is killing me. my/our heart absolutely faltering every time ze thinks of it and I have to avert my eyes or my entire being will shatter with it. god. you have no idea.
and infi just keeps remembering. in a sort of awe, constantly. a sense of profound gratitude and unexpected joy and lingering worry and love, love, love, love.
everything in me is trembling with it and this is just secondhand. this is just catching glimpses of emotion from my beloved daemon about you. it's unbearable, in the best way. because it means it's just that raw and sincere.
and infinitii also shaking with remembering everything about what this morning felt like. that experience erasing every last shred of doubt and fear and dreaded inadequacy ze felt last night.
remembering what it was like for hir to give that back, to reciprocate so perfectly, to want nothing more than to feel that again for all eternity.

ollie you have no goddamned idea how significant that was; we don't either when it really gets down to it. it's too huge. it's so fucking deep it's the entire damn world wrapped up in a bubble. it's a sideways 8 and that just about sums it up, doesn't it.

and our collective pitiful constant need to read what you have to say (we hope you have something to say, what an awful demanding feeling) about these days.
we need to feel like we existed to you.
we need to feel like we exist at all right now
we need to remember that we're real and we're loved and you really do care so much
god it's so selfish, I'm so damn sorry

the fucking grandmother looming in the doorway and giving off that awful molesting vibe (because we fucking KNOW) and hiss-whispering the fucking birth name and "get to bed it’s four o clock!" and everything feels so ugly and I just fucking hissed beneath my breath "shove off, bitch" and hating myself for it but not knowing what the fuck else to fucking do. I want her to leave us the fuck ALONE. I want to be able to feel like a REAL FUCKING PERSON in this goddamned house without these constant fucking "reminders" that we are an alleged piece of shit.

we need to message him. god thank you for this fucking blessed phone, that's a sentiment we ALL agree with I think

god we would move in with you and work three fucking jobs at once just to be there with you. we would do anything. absolutely anything.
we miss you so much tonight it hurts.

the universe is still sideways and it's going to stay like that forever