may 30 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Ended up getting a hacker to hack themselves today. Not entirely by accident. I feel sorry for 'em really.
But it worked for Julie, I'm sick of this happening, so I told this kid, fine, do whatever the hell you want, but I am NOT letting you lose sight of what the hell you're doing for an instant.
And the kid was scared. This hacker, this actual kid, was scared and TOLD me they didn't want to be doing this, they didn't really want any of this, they were confused, and I let them KNOW that. I SHOWED them how they were being lied to. I TRIED to get them the heck out of there and they almost listened to me damn it, they almost did, but... they had a choice. And they made a choice out of fear and self-doubt and sick obligation but it was a choice.
Now they want to die and I don't know where the heck they went but...

Before all that I stopped them from committing suicide. They were trying. They found our gutting knife and they were about to use it for a pretty bloody similar reason. I had to throw the thing aside to get them to stop. Then the hack hell happened.
But now I now. At least one of these kids, this "androgyne" or whoever we were calling hir, they were only hacking because they were lost and full of despair and hopelessness. I wanna say self-hatred but it wasn't quite. The one who others call "Jess" has the self-hatred, but she's not a hacker, she's an abuser.

God what am I even doing. The body's sick, we're trying our best here, summer makes it hard.


Nienna was out today during church, singing. Jemma was fronting for a bit before that, not sure why her, but she was. Chocoloco was there. When Nienna came out she just gently nudged Jemma aside for a bit, was singing with an arm around her shoulders, Jemma said that was fine. There was a tangible "shift" from left to right when Nienna left, we haven't "felt" a switch that softly but strongly since Laurie yanked "Jewel" out of fronting back in SLC, and that was painful.
But it's interesting. Nienna cannnot/ does not talk unless she is singing. Specifically, she can't "sing" a conversation either; if she wanted to sing-talk it has to be applicable lyrics from existing songs? I have no idea, this is new stuff. Nienna's been getting a surprisingly solid anchor over the past few months, which is lovely, as when she first appeared we thought she would fade out quickly. Not so!
Christina was with them too, reading mass stuff in the innerworld (specifically the petitions). She still has that little chapel-crypt in the Underground levels, in the old areas where everything is mostly stone. It looks very very similar to the chapel in St Ann's locally... I'll have to take a photo of it when the novena starts soon. I love it there, it smells so profoundly comforting, all candles and wood and incense. That smell is "home," it's not motherly but it's that same sort of needed "belonging" feeling. I adore it. It's an amber-gold smell.
The black guy with dreadlocks was out again during mass too. I think his color is gold. He's all gold and crystal drops, no idea who he is but he's got a STRONG anchor, the System keeps trying to push a "J" name on him (meaning Core/Host rights usually) but it's not working? He might end up taking some old Host names. Who knows. But he's VERY real and very positive, he is deeply sweet and hopefully he can front more often. He has no "upstairs" awareness though, and socials like that (Jesse, ) tend to get acutely confused with body dysphoria and time gaps and stuff. They exist, but they have no way of really understanding what their current existence IS. So until those people tap into the upstairs, and come to terms with that reality, they fluctuate madly and may not truly anchor. That whole "I'm just one person in this body?" realization is a huge existential shock, some socials cannot cope with it and reject it. Those people usually become numb and/or abusive and that's sad. We really should focus on that problem soon, actually... we've never been clearly aware of it before and that is a big topic.
Almost forgot. Sherlock fronted too, near the end of mass. He got pulled in for some reason, and it was really clear, the memory data is super solid. He was just looking around at the light and the color and everything, thinking "so this is what it's like to exist out here?" and basically being awestruck by the tangibility of everything, of the odd solidity of the outerworld. He was tearing up a little.

Still having problems with floating voices and intuition. Mostly it's "good" floating voices now but they're too neutral. They just give simple orders and stand back, don't enforce anything. Someone told them we need Laurie instead and hopefully we can go back to headspace all the time instead of socials and floating voices. The latter is flat and empty and sad and abusive. The former is real and alive and helpful and hopeful. Being 'in the body' and listening to voice orders requires an annihilation of individuality and free will. It requires that there is no introsection or self-awareness. Because all your attention must go to constant obedience. So even if we're following good orders, we're miserable because we aren't really living? Is that selfish?
Can't we have a happy medium? Listen to that advice BUT live according to who we ARE? Can't we have color in our life? We just want color in our lif again. That's where the eating disorder is coming from. That's why people are refusing to listen to the floating voices who say "don't eat that, you'll regret it" or "fast for the rest of the day" because these young social fronters are frustrated and heartbroken and they say no, they eat anyway because even if they DON'T want it, they want to "eat" color. They want to FEEL some sort of sparkle in life. So it gets misrouted. They get confused. They end up getting horrifically sick and not understanding why because they don't realize it's food, they don't understand eating, they just want to put color back into their body. That's all.
Misrouting and mistranslation is probably the root problem of everything. It's our biggest, saddest fault.

Progress is being made, however quietly, however slow it feels. Big steps are still being taken even if the journey is long.