the spectrum heart cathedral system

 

 

Ended up getting a hacker to hack themselves today. Not entirely by accident. I feel sorry for 'em really.
But it worked for Julie, I'm sick of this happening, so I told this kid, fine, do whatever the hell you want, but I am NOT letting you lose sight of what the hell you're doing for an instant.
And the kid was scared. This hacker, this actual kid, was scared and TOLD me they didn't want to be doing this, they didn't really want any of this, they were confused, and I let them KNOW that. I SHOWED them how they were being lied to. I TRIED to get them the heck out of there and they almost listened to me damn it, they almost did, but... they had a choice. And they made a choice out of fear and self-doubt and sick obligation but it was a choice.
Now they want to die and I don't know where the heck they went but...

Before all that I stopped them from committing suicide. They were trying. They found our gutting knife and they were about to use it for a pretty bloody similar reason. I had to throw the thing aside to get them to stop. Then the hack hell happened.
But now I now. At least one of these kids, this "androgyne" or whoever we were calling hir, they were only hacking because they were lost and full of despair and hopelessness. I wanna say self-hatred but it wasn't quite. The one who others call "Jess" has the self-hatred, but she's not a hacker, she's an abuser.

God what am I even doing. The body's sick, we're trying our best here, summer makes it hard.


Nienna was out today during church, singing. Jemma was fronting for a bit before that, not sure why her, but she was. Chocoloco was there. When Nienna came out she just gently nudged Jemma aside for a bit, was singing with an arm around her shoulders, Jemma said that was fine. There was a tangible "shift" from left to right when Nienna left, we haven't "felt" a switch that softly but strongly since Laurie yanked "Jewel" out of fronting back in SLC, and that was painful.
But it's interesting. Nienna cannnot/ does not talk unless she is singing. Specifically, she can't "sing" a conversation either; if she wanted to sing-talk it has to be applicable lyrics from existing songs? I have no idea, this is new stuff. Nienna's been getting a surprisingly solid anchor over the past few months, which is lovely, as when she first appeared we thought she would fade out quickly. Not so!
Christina was with them too, reading mass stuff in the innerworld (specifically the petitions). She still has that little chapel-crypt in the Underground levels, in the old areas where everything is mostly stone. It looks very very similar to the chapel in St Ann's locally... I'll have to take a photo of it when the novena starts soon. I love it there, it smells so profoundly comforting, all candles and wood and incense. That smell is "home," it's not motherly but it's that same sort of needed "belonging" feeling. I adore it. It's an amber-gold smell.
The black guy with dreadlocks was out again during mass too. I think his color is gold. He's all gold and crystal drops, no idea who he is but he's got a STRONG anchor, the System keeps trying to push a "J" name on him (meaning Core/Host rights usually) but it's not working? He might end up taking some old Host names. Who knows. But he's VERY real and very positive, he is deeply sweet and hopefully he can front more often. He has no "upstairs" awareness though, and socials like that (Jesse, ) tend to get acutely confused with body dysphoria and time gaps and stuff. They exist, but they have no way of really understanding what their current existence IS. So until those people tap into the upstairs, and come to terms with that reality, they fluctuate madly and may not truly anchor. That whole "I'm just one person in this body?" realization is a huge existential shock, some socials cannot cope with it and reject it. Those people usually become numb and/or abusive and that's sad. We really should focus on that problem soon, actually... we've never been clearly aware of it before and that is a big topic.
Almost forgot. Sherlock fronted too, near the end of mass. He got pulled in for some reason, and it was really clear, the memory data is super solid. He was just looking around at the light and the color and everything, thinking "so this is what it's like to exist out here?" and basically being awestruck by the tangibility of everything, of the odd solidity of the outerworld. He was tearing up a little.

Still having problems with floating voices and intuition. Mostly it's "good" floating voices now but they're too neutral. They just give simple orders and stand back, don't enforce anything. Someone told them we need Laurie instead and hopefully we can go back to headspace all the time instead of socials and floating voices. The latter is flat and empty and sad and abusive. The former is real and alive and helpful and hopeful. Being 'in the body' and listening to voice orders requires an annihilation of individuality and free will. It requires that there is no introsection or self-awareness. Because all your attention must go to constant obedience. So even if we're following good orders, we're miserable because we aren't really living? Is that selfish?
Can't we have a happy medium? Listen to that advice BUT live according to who we ARE? Can't we have color in our life? We just want color in our lif again. That's where the eating disorder is coming from. That's why people are refusing to listen to the floating voices who say "don't eat that, you'll regret it" or "fast for the rest of the day" because these young social fronters are frustrated and heartbroken and they say no, they eat anyway because even if they DON'T want it, they want to "eat" color. They want to FEEL some sort of sparkle in life. So it gets misrouted. They get confused. They end up getting horrifically sick and not understanding why because they don't realize it's food, they don't understand eating, they just want to put color back into their body. That's all.
Misrouting and mistranslation is probably the root problem of everything. It's our biggest, saddest fault.

Progress is being made, however quietly, however slow it feels. Big steps are still being taken even if the journey is long.

 

 

 

All right, there needs to be a happier entry to offset all this depressing stuff lately, because in actuality life has been a lot nicer than it's been sounding on here.
I will reiterate-- thoughts and emotions are very powerful, especially when focused on and repeated. This archive should be the first place where we actively focus on the brighter aspects of our life; this should continue to be our anchor of hope.
I know I keep saying that, and maybe the future tense is the problem. It feels like I'm saying "one day," when in actuality it already is. This archive is such a source of light for me, when things get dark... it's such a source of light for others. When I heard that, it was as if my entire heart lit up just the same. So I will continue to keep this archive as such. I have a responsibility to myself, to the System, and to every reader, to do so.

All right. First things first. Where have we been lately? That has two answers:
1. dealing with one heck of a huge healing process, which is mostly physical this time, and
2. working on the League constantly.
I hope you notice how important that is. We've been doing both. Somehow we are actually balancing the two right now. There aren't week-long transition periods, or huge time losses, or lockouts. They are both happening simultaneously!
I didn't even realize that until now. It just became almost natural, all of a sudden, like no time was involved at all. For so long my heart was torn between headspace or leaguespace... and then, the next time I checked, there was no pain. There was no gap. Just like Preludove said. Now it's this harmonious sort of unity, across the field, even with the individuality and temporal integrity of both realms intact, and I actually can't remember what it was ever like to not have that. That's amazing.
There is a quote I just stumbled across that describes this perfectly.
"The second vision was of a book....it was opened at the half way mark and as I watched I saw that it was being pulled into two halves, strings stretchering and finally breaking to form two individual volumes.I am torn, I interpreted, as I thought. But from that tension - two books instead of one."
Two books from one, too, at least for us. Two seemingly separate books, yet bound at some deeper level of existence. No conflict.
You'd think I've have learned, by now, that being torn apart always precedes a rebuilding. Our whole history reflects that... heck, so do the Leagueworlds, now that I think about it. Which is why I need to share them, too, and which is why I needed to be torn so clearly-- they are JUST as important and revelatory as our own inner world is. They can inspire just as many people. And I was losing time and dedication for both those 'books' by thinking they HAD to be held within the same binding. Not quite! So that's probably what happened to the stalling tension. I'm so glad. I just want to embrace everything now, all of it, and I can, because I'm no longer tangled up trying to hold on to something that needed to change. Sometimes breakage is a godsend. I can name several people who can prove that truth to me beyond a doubt... but most of them would be spoilers, haha.
Nevertheless, that split is vital. I learned that the hard way. You can only blur so many boundaries before things start to bleed.

So. Concerning that 'first book,' Dream World is getting the most focus lately-- of course, because that world naturally branches out into every other one in its own way. I keep finding more and more connections, too, and that is making my heart swell with joy. It's completely fascinating. Parnassus is second in line, as that world has some seriously heavy roots, possibly due to both Genesis and Delphi being utterly ignorant of the 4th wall in their own personal ways... and definitely due to what I keep learning about the foundations of that world in the first place. Again, now that I've stopped trying to 'control' the way that story flows, it's moving so much better. Yes, I tried way too hard to get it to 'sync' with mythology at one point, because I was convinced that was the best thing to do. It wasn't! I was only limiting the way their story could progress, and it turns out it has had its own agenda in mind for ages. So now it's progressing as it needs to, just shaking off the cobwebs first.
Everyone else is kind of on 'pause' right now simply because they don't need the development right now. Again, that's a nice feeling too: the realization that they can 'unpause' at any time, that no one is stuck, and that 'forcing' anything does not work. Sure, I can focus on a certain world's resonance and see if they want to work, but that's strongly intuitive, and if it's not their time than I am not going to get anywhere by testing that!
Honestly the trickiest part of all this is just pacing the work. There's SO much work to be done-- typecodes and etymology and species cataloging and just sheer worldbuilding-- and since I can "feel" it as a whole somewhere beneath the surface, my instinct is to reach down and heave the whole gem out at once. I keep trying to do all of it at once. Good luck with that, bro. You have to chip away the rock, bit by bit, to reveal this stunning crystal of imagination, otherwise you run the risk of damaging it... of only getting part of the whole. I have to take one project at a time, one part of it at a time, one step at a time. Focus, and breathe, and don't rush. Open up, trust, believe, and let it happen, because it will. It always does. So I'm learning patience, which is humbling. But it's teaching me a deeper gratitude, too, and a deeper joy.

Headspace is similar, and by extension, so is our shared physical life.
...To tie the two threads of this together, I saw a quote yesterday, on Tumblr, as I was browsing through some inspirational pages. It's from the movie Her, which I've never seen but really need to.
"So, what's it like being married?"
"Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with someone."
And in the background, as he spoke... there was the night sky, the ocean, the city.

Living with 70+ other people in this body is hard. Sometimes it's frightening, when other people front, and my own self just melts away into nothingness... but then blends seamlessly with theirs. And that happens when League people drop in, too. Like I said a long time ago, I'll never forget that one day in elementary school, when Vezerai of all people fronted for a minute as I was in the mall... it is one of the clearest memories I have, period. It was such an existentially defining moment; it broke my mind and my heart both, just like his, and it opened my awareness to so, so much more. I have to thank him.
It requires patience. It requires selflessness of the purest sort, the non-sacrificial sort... did you know, I hadn't realized there was a difference between an offering and a sacrifice, until yesterday? I thought that everything I gave, had to be cut from my own bones. I thought I couldn't give without bleeding, without pain. But there's a difference. There's a line, between self-sabotage, and self-giving. I can pour out the same amount of myself both ways, but it's going to feel totally different.
...That's in the book of Hosea, you know. More League relevance. "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings." If you offer things as an empty ritual, as a cold obligation, you're not acting through the compassion and sincerity that your soul and the universe at large requires... that's the key. And, shockingly, that's what I've been missing. I was brought up to follow orders, to obey ordinances and dogmas, to be afraid of punishment, to act according to that moral paranoia. That's not what this is about. And ironically, my 'mental disorder' has taught me that. Headspace... as a whole, it requires that same compassion just to exist. That's what DID is, after all. It's a coping mechanism, but more than that, it's a saving grace. It's a source of hope and survival where there otherwise may have been none. In order to live, we broke. "I" became "we." And selfishness, separation, pride, stubbornness... it all suddenly ceased to be an option as well. Our plurality was a source of grace in and of itself. Is this making sense?
It's like marriage, in a way, in a strange way. It's many souls, joined as one, united in totality and yet individually complete. To be separate from each other is impossible.
I think about this a lot, how much of a beautifully vast source of growth our System is, to me. How simply by being, it makes me a better man. How simply by knowing these other souls share this one life, this one single community existence, I want to be the best person I can be. I want to be wise and prudent and self-loving and joyful. To know that your blood and bones, your skin and breath, are host to not just you but also to those you love... how could you not live according to that? To love each other, we must love ourselves. No exceptions, no shortcuts, no halfheartedness. "And it's hard, for sure, but..."
I cannot put it into words.

Lynne, Waldorf, Nienna, Christina, and I think Javier were all out in church yesterday evening, for a short time (and Xenophon was there as usual). But Lynne... I don't know why she showed up, but she just flowed right into the main consciousness as naturally as if she had been born there, and then it was just her. Just her, completely. There were soon some protests at the back of the mind, angry resistance from the old girls, the ones who are different from us because they demand separation and selfishness... but Lynne stayed. She asked, why wasn't she allowed to stay out? Was it that frightening, for those other personae, to feel the legitimacy of her existence within the same space as them? Was it that jarring to realize that in the grand scheme of things we are all dots of paint in the big picture-- that our fleeting identification as single drops faded entirely when the ocean made itself known? That's what happens, when people front in earnest. And I suppose that was indeed their fear. Jessica's constant shout-- "No; I'm the only one! Let me do what I want!" --echoes in direct denial of the rest of us, a conscious blindness. But it's losing its old strength. It can't stand, it can't remain, when admitting "I'm not the only one" comes from a place of love, not fear... from joy, not sorrow. I'm repeating itself, but it deserves reiteration.
Lynne sat there and smiled and looked around at the soaring arches and windows, and the only thing that chased her out was the gut-deep obedience programming when the grandmother looked straight at us in confusion. We need to overpower that, to get enough of our own confidence to look right back, and smile, without feeling guilty about being there to do so.
That's big goal #1. Harmonize the inside and the outside. It's happening, bit by bit.

That's where the whole "healing process" bit comes in.
Let's start on the outside first.

There are a lot of changes happening in our life. It's exciting, but it's like a roller coaster. It feels as if we've been climbing for a while, reached the top and stayed there for a moment too long-- that numbness, that feeling of forgetting what it was like to move at all-- then suddenly, a shift. A split second of movement, of feeling gravity catch at you like a lover, and then we're rushing ahead to meet it. I don't know how fast it will get. Will it feel like freefalling? Will it feel like a rush of storm winds? Will it feel like flying? I wonder if that all depends on how we meet it. Will we hang on for dear life, or will we throw our hands in the air and enjoy these new moments of acceleration into the new?
We're not a top speed yet, heavens no, that's far ahead yet. We're just starting back out; we're still at the top of the hill, still tasting the promise on the air, feeling the first sparks of anticipation in our chests. We have time, but we can't forget where we are, because there's no getting off now.
First, our brother finally moved out of the house. He's been planning to for over a year and he is extremely excited over it. I'm very happy for him; this home atmosphere was taking a heavy toll on his emotional health and he wasn't staying here much anyway. So this is good! I haven't seen his new apartment yet but he's invited me to come over whenever I need to. That could indeed be a huge blessing for us in the future, too. Time will tell.
Second, our mother is moving back in, or at least she claims to be. I have no clue. But that is forcing some serious psychological healing on our part, which I've been discussing madly in therapy, and yet can't quite grasp or fully understand yet. We'll get to that in a moment.
Third, therapy itself is shifting. Our medical coverage is changing soon, so we will need to see a different therapist, after being with this one for over a year now. And on top of all that, our case manager is leaving her job, so we'll have someone new there too! I don't mind, of course-- I can easily roll with changes like that, and in a way it's fun to meet new therapists and get to know yourself all over again in the process-- but on top of all the other life changes, it had us raising our eyebrows. Whoa, things really are moving along.
Fourth, and perhaps most distressing, is the health aspect. You've probably guessed this already with the more pained entries lately. However, it has proven to be a blessing in its own right, not surprisingly. It's pushed me to take serious steps towards figuring out why this is happening, how we can heal it, et cetera, instead of thinking "well maybe we're just supposed to suffer" and not doing anything to improve our well-being. That's a poisonous mindset, I've realized, and that's surprising. If the body is giving you an illness, or some other painful symptom, there is a reason for it! When we were more strongly anchored in ourself, Spine held that job, and maybe she can tune back into it again (I hope)... but in recent times I've somehow thrown in the towel, making excuses, feeling separate. Telling myself lies, cutting myself short, denying myself the health and happiness that everyone else deserved. Somehow I fell into this sad, tiny space of being convinced that I was alone, spiritually, universally. Notice how that only happens when headspace falls by the wayside? When I push people away, I block my own soul, our own soul. I blind myself to half of this heart. And then I thought of Leon, of how my intuition, my inner sight, had been blocked by a crystal-- by my own hand-- and I realized that if there are any blocks in my energy system, if there are any illnesses and pains in this body, it is because I am allowing that to happen. I am holding myself back. I am standing in the way of health because I feel unworthy of it. Javier would say that's a lie, Laurie would call it bullshit, and CZ would make me reconsider every self-hating thought I've ever had. I know they're right. I know we can be better. And that's where this has led me.
I have to thank these 'health crises' because they are spotlights. They are beacons showing me what needs to be fixed, and by trusting my heart's intuition I can easily find out how... as long as I listen. That's tough, as long as the feeling of separation persists. That's why Xenophon is so blessed to be around. That's why the voices like Spice and Emmett and Fig are indispensable. They operate, they exist, in a unity consciousness. So they listen, always, because they know better than this old ego does. And the instant I remember that I am, in light of them, along with them... the instant I remember that I exist, and am not afraid to BE a person alongside all the other people in here... we can act healthily. We can take care of ourself.
I need to reiterate that for my own benefit if nothing else. We have been meeting a lot of "ego" resistance to fronting lately. The old girls, the immature consciousness with limited comprehension, are not "evil," just dark. Being of the Tar, they're 'negative' energy and they have a purpose too-- to teach us, which they are indeed doing, even unknowingly. They don't want us to exist because they think in duality. "If you people exist with us, then we can't exist!" They don't know how to sacrifice out of love. They don't know how to give. They only take, and want, and act according to desires and reactions. They use others for their own ends, and disregard the rights of others for the same reason. They cannot understand unity. The world is at an event horizon from them. This is not the truth, but that is how they think, so don't waste time trying to teach them otherwise. That's not a battle we have to fight.
Then there's the Plague, which acts according to cold logic and calculations, which does not 'react' but does not understand compassion either. Those tied to the Plague can exist in numb obedience forever, but they cannot care for themselves or others. That very emotion is unfathomable to them. They, too, are separate from the world, from everyone else.
So that's why we get resistance to existence. Our very lives prove unity. We cannot exist in their minds, just as they cannot exist in ours. It's as simple as that. So we need to stop giving our attention to them, to trying to bridge that gap, because the gap isn't real. If there isn't an inherent cut-off between us and the rest of reality, than what are those proud voices following but an illusion?
Instead of trying to emphasize the contrary, let me emphasize the core of the matter.
The biggest difference here is love. Pure and simple. Yes it sounds cheesy, but that's mistranslation too. Look at the Pinks in our System; follow their example. Look to the Violets and the Greens, to the Reds and the Aquas. Look to all our fellows, all our soul members, all our other parts. We exist because we loved. We exist because we rescued ourselves from trauma, and held fast to hope. We did not cut ourself off from life, but instead rebuilt it from the inside out, into something more coherent than before. We bloomed after the winter. And perhaps most importantly, we were able to FORGIVE. We forgave all those who hurt us, and we forgave ourself, too. We learned to love the inside and the outside both, and in doing so, realized that there was no division between the two.
Some of us still struggle with forgiveness, true. But that is just an opportunity to learn it more completely than before, to open to parts of our collective heart that we couldn't fathom before this very moment.
We're not lost. We haven't fallen behind. We're right where we need to be. We all play our parts perfectly.
As long as we remember the truth of who we are, we will never be alone.


Now on that note, let me fill you in on the therapy, and by extension, all the other changes that are happening... all the big ones, hidden on the inside, thousands of stellar sparks that are building up to something absolutely luminous.
Sherlock was out on Thursday, and upon realizing it I was almost in tears. I missed you, man!! It's been months since someone fronted in session. I clearly recall that unmistakable 'shift' in consciousness, along with the "brain sparkles" and blinking that happen after a switch-out, and being swept up in gratitude for it. I missed that. I know he reached for his glasses at one point, I should tell him they're in our laptop bag.
Anyhow. The main topic in therapy has been 'overcoming the numbness' for a few weeks-- preventing suicide, managing the empty despair, et cetera. Now that we're back in business, and now that life is moving along as well, there are new topics that had previously been buried.
And, to be honest, I have to laugh and thank the hormone therapy.
Think about it. This year has been a jumble since Christmas. It's felt like one big "waiting room." Yes, we've made forward movement, but memory has been so bad that it gets blurred over. But when I look at the event logs, 2014 has been MASSIVE. January feels like it happened ten years ago instead of nine months... and yet, January also feels like it happened yesterday. Time is no longer linear, I guess. But that's not the point-- the point is that time has also jumped in a way of its own. We first majorly 'split' in 2014, or at the cusp of it, right before we graduated elementary school. Our last concrete memories of that time belong to Jewel and Celebi, as well as Ryman, Markus, and Chaos... and then there's a break.
We realized we were trans* and queer, we realized we were in love, we realized we were explicitly not the only person in our mind, and we realized that whatever path our family and education was setting up for us now, we would not be able to follow it and stay true to ourself, now that we were beginning to know who we were. And so we split.
Time got stuck there, to a large extent. In that classroom, we stood at the threshold to two possible futures, one of which was impossible. In the linear past, we took the only route available to us. But now-- heck, since 2014 began-- the other route has re-opened. Ten years later, suddenly there it is. And we found ourself right back at that door, facing the same questions, fears, hopes, and dreams that were all buried a decade ago.
All because, in the space of what felt like a flashbulb, we suddenly brought an internal wish into solid reality.
We started the hormones. Little 13-year-old us is finally going to grow up to look like a boy. Our brain still hasn't grasped this yet, it's too incredible. But every time the awareness hits us-- every time we realize our voice is suddenly lower, or our face is a little fuzzier, or our body handles differently now-- every time, we can't help but laugh. It's amazing. It's actually happened.
And so we're back in 2004, back in 2014. We're ready to graduate. But we have a few finals to finish first.

That's where the health crisis came in.
We've had this hernia since 2006. The more I read about self-healing, and energetic blockages, and the more I review our archives, the more I wonder. They say disease can only manifest when the body is not working in harmony, when the vibrations are out of tune, when there is imbalance and dysfunction in our life. So I stopped and asked, what disharmony is causing this, for so long?
Meditation helps a lot. Thanks to headspace, I have a pretty good grasp on it, and can 'feel' energy field things like blockages. And there was a very large one, right there. However, it didn't make a lot of sense. It was a feeling of invasion-- of someone "reaching in" and "invading our personal space," of explicitly being where they did not belong. And it was tied, very strongly, to the internal self-image of a young girl... someone about Ashen's age. The blockage could not be touched without eliciting a screaming terror from this person, a raw shriek of survival, of someone whose only all-encompassing desire is to get out of this alive. It's heartbreaking and frightening all at once.
Infinitii and I are trying to unravel this. We're delicately sifting through thought processes, and old programs, and emotional reactions, and false ideas. It's hard work. I can't be around for some of it; my role 'shatters' and I end up faceless and numb. Genesis is acutely aware of this and he is being extremely careful and helpful on that note (I cannot thank him enough). Everyone is watching me as an extra signpost-- "what's still 'problematic' enough to shut Jay off?" When we find that thing, we stop, and we deal with it differently, safely.
It's a long process. I can't help but wonder if we just need to stop fixing and jump right back into rewriting. Old code will take too long to pick through; let's just delete it entirely. But then I wonder, how much of this pain is really just ours?
That's another thing headspace has taught me. Pain is collective, even if it seems to be only personal. But unity is a constant... and every pain we feel as a single entity, is almost always mirrored through others.
That's where DID once again becomes the biggest blessing. If I can't fathom this pain, chances are, at least one other person in here can. We have so much collective knowledge and experience, of the good and the bad, that the healing journeys we take on can be overwhelming sometimes, but they always turn out so amazingly... again, it's incredible.
So yes, 'rewriting' our own personal code could work. But as long as 'old code' is still going on outside... as long as that is still being reinforced, as long as others are still healing, then the healing work isn't quite 'done.' But we're a part, and once we're healed, we can help others find their own light to do the same. I hope that makes sense. The short story is: we're not the only people feeling this pain, and the ultimate goal is to bring enough light and love into this situation that that pain begins to dissolve for everyone.

My tentative 'diagnosis' for the hernia is this-- if body "energy points" are involved, the orange one is working overtime to balance the red and the yellow, which are both unsteady (red= sense of safety and belonging, yellow= sense of personal power and individual will). Even trickier, the orange one is damaged too (sexual trauma, family issues), and so it's jumping from being underactive to overactive. Again, this is all tentative, but it would explain a lot.
Even so, that alone gives us a great starting point for healing. The biggest thing we need to do, unquestionably, is take better care of the body. We haven't been giving it enough attention, as to what it needs, and what it doesn't need. We need to draw the line between obligations and respectful behavior, and then stick to what is good for us.
In no particular order, we also need to focus on:
- Remembering that we have a right to live, that we belong on this earth, that we are part of the universe's design and so we are not a 'reject' or an 'outcast.' (Javier and Spine help greatly with this, unsurprisingly.)
- Embracing our individuality, the right to be our own person, and the fact that standing up for our own self-expression is not arrogant or selfish, while respecting the right of everyone else to be their own people too.
- Taking serious steps to be more independent and self-sufficient, and not letting ourselves get pushed around or emotionally manipulated-- either by ourself, or by others around us.
- Continue working creatively, without being ashamed of it
- Accepting that we are allowed to be aro-ace/ trans*/ etc. and that our relationships are allowed to be healthy and match our needs
- Deal with the 'mother issue.'

That last one ties back into the hernia, the sexual trauma residue, and the family issues. For some bizarre reason, our biological mother is the hub around which a disproportionate amount of fear, rage, shame, guilt, and despair revolve. We're not sure if she's a cause, a scapegoat, or both (probably both), but this is a delicate issue and it's one that we've been running from for years. However, as I said, she's moving back in, and that is requiring us to deal with this once and for all.
In our System, Ashen holds the sexual abuse residue, and the whole "I'm ruined" mindset. It's awful, but it's not really tied to any 'abuser' idea in particular. It's more of the aftermath, the awful knowledge of what happened, and knowing you can't "fix it" ever again. It's not quite the same as the hernia 'block,' as that isn't a sexually abusive pain, but a personally invasive one. But it is similar, in that the two experiences are both breaches of safety and trust.
Marigold holds a strange sort of panic that is focused in our stomach. However, it deals very strongly with the "invasive" feeling. For her, it's being in the room with someone and feeling that wrench at your gut, when that person gets too close for comfort, when they disregard your safe space, when there is only a hairbreadth between their nearness and something traumatic. Marigold exists at that border, at the tiny tipping point between forced intimacy and outright violation. But, again, her memories are too young to know the trauma Ashen was born from. Furthermore, Marigold is mostly scared of our grandmother, a woman who we were forced to live in very close quarters with for our entire childhood, and who is utterly unrecognizing of personal boundaries or comfort zones.
David, on the other hand, deals with the 'mother issue' at its rawest and most vague. He is afraid of her form, of her nearness, of a strange sense of being 'crushed' by her. He is terrified of her smothering presence, of wanting to get away and being powerless to. But David only exists up until that moment. As soon as the inner child becomes trapped in the mother's presence, too close to cope, Dread takes over, shivering. So both our young boys are tied to this.
But why? Why is there such a strange, tearful, furious terror of this woman? What happened? What is tied to her?
Who else is in this System that we don't know about, that may hold the answers? We don't remember most of the childhood, even now... so many of these raw, visceral fears are young. So much of these 2004 problems we are now revisiting are linked to a past none of us are sure how to access, and which is met by a chthonic chorus of young voices, screaming out in terror not to touch it. Don't look at it. Why? What is there?
Infi says there might not be. It just might be unhealed fright, like Ashen's. Her issue is healed on a heart level-- we know we aren't 'broken,' that we aren't 'ruined,' even if what we went through was horrific, AND even if society insisted to the contrary... but the last step is always belief. If Ashen is reflecting that collective pain again, if she is reflecting that young part of ourself that in turn reflected so many other abused girls at that age... maybe no matter how healed we are, that 'doubt' don't quite go away UNTIL it pushes us to do more for others like her. I wonder.

Again, I will need to take time to deal with this wisely. I'll get Jeremiah and the kids nearby so we can keep them safe and still understand this. However no focusing on the negative, our energy and focus belongs elsewhere, with health.


Let's change the topic. I think that's all I need to say about that. I'm speaking too much in any case; that's what happens when I wait too long between updates. That and language is tough to handle at times, trying to get vocabulary to express a feeling, or a knowing. As long as I get the feeling/knowing into the words, though, we should be good. "Speak from your heart, and others will hear with theirs." I love that quote; it's very true.



So. Other things!
I have a few rough notes in a file here, let's see.

The night that we found Karissa's name, she was referenced in my dream! That was notable. The dream also referenced a "dark blue" headvoice who held a "father figure" role, but they gave no name and I saw no face. I found that interesting; it may be symbolic, may be literal, we'll see. Also, I think Xenophon was around near the end of the dream? Either way she was strongly referenced in some way.

Chaos and Genesis were in my dream last night, and Laurie and Genesis were in my dream on the 27th, I think? But last night in particular made me realize something really notable. Lately I've been having upsetting "earth level" dreams, which means that I dream about IRL places (the house, mostly) and family members (unsurprisingly, it's all been about the mother lately-- and in dreams she is actively violent and neglectful towards me, which I also cannot explain). Normally, dreaming about "waking" things/people is very rare, and I usually only get these kinds of dreams when I'm struggling with something emotionally (which we are, so). Strangely, though, there seems to be another constant with dreams of that sort. Although they're often frightening or disturbing, I still have access to dream powers, and am often referenced as the Sandman's Apprentice or a similar title. So I can fly, and use dream dust, and people keep saying I'm 'important,' even if I feel completely out-of-sorts and/or am fighting for my life or safety. And I'm still aware of headspace, but it's mental in these dreams, like it is in the waking-- people can only front, not appear literally. That's weird enough, but it didn't hit me until last night that the reason why this happens is because those dreams aren't on their level! I would always wonder, WHY can I easily go lucid in earth-level dreams, flying and using dream-powers and all, but Genesis and Laurie and Chaos cannot manifest there? They can ghost, sure, they can front, and they can use other people or things as channels... but it's all like it is here. If I want to meet them, and be with them, I need a higher level dream. I need a level dream where I'm not struggling with waking problems, and where I don't feel uneasy or in an "interim" state, another constant of such dreams (the feeling you get waiting at a bus stop at 2AM in Des Moines, am I right).
I wouldn't have realized this if those two dreams this week (in which people had only ghosted or been referenced) hadn't been completely contrasted by the dream I had yesterday. I don't remember the whole dream, and I don't care, because all I know is that wherever I was, Chaos was there with me, and all I remember is us standing with our arms wrapped around each other, unable to speak from pure gratitude. There were people around us who looked shocked that he was there, but it was a curious sort of shock-- "what is that, who are you, wait you know each other"-- not an afraid one. So that stands out like a brilliant star amidst all the other dreams lately.

Last week, Javier and Julie were helping me on the way to a counseling appointment? I'm not sure where we were going, but this was shortly after I talked to Nat on the 17th, and we wanted to have people besides Laurie interact with me when I'm fronting. I know they were around for a few hours but there's like no memory of that day... I didn't stay around long, that's why. Nevertheless those two get along surprisingly well! Javier has this charisma about him and he is so genuine in interactions, he reminds me a lot of those stories you hear about punk kids looking intimidating but being incredibly hospitable and charitable. That's Javes! He's got a good sense of integrity too, and that strongly ncludes self-respect? Which, again, isn't surprising when you consider he's Red, but still! That was lacking for a while, in previous Red holders, so I'm very glad to see it so honestly in him. And Julie has this admirable willingness to interact with people, always-- she always gives others a sincere chance, and doesn't judge them at first sight. I think it's because she knows how she used to be, and how others saw her. Plus it's a Pink thing, that inherent childlike trust. It rubs off on people like a glow. Julie's really inspirational when you get down to it. In any case she has been around a LOT more than usual lately, which is nice. We all miss her a lot.

Also last week, there was one night that proved to be very important. I have no idea what led up to it, as my memory is full of switchy gaps, but all I remember is suddenly sitting in the car outside the local grocery store at 9PM. There was jazz on the radio, and I think Laurie was yelling at me? She was asking me "what the hell I was doing." I really had no clue. At this time we were still struggling full-time with the eating disorder, so I knew that whoever brought us there was trying to buy something to that end, but likely something unhealthy. We considered just turning around and going home, but the ego-anger was really loud, plus the body was already sick. So we decided, let's get something healthy. I agreed, but the conflict stayed, and so in frustration I called Spice in. She showed up immediately, but upon asking Laurie what was going on, she wasn't as angry as she could have been... more exasperated, really, and that stung. I will never forget hearing her evidencing on the voice recorder, how tired she was to feel like she was hitting a brick wall with her purpose, with no one listening to her... but damn, I was having a tough time fronting with this old selfishness clawing at my neck. But then, Spice just kind of shrugged, and vaguely said that she'd let me kiss her if I promised to not buy any trigger foods. And that was it. "Wait, what, really?" Laurie was laughing, but I knew it was out of relief. That could work. And it freaking did. Fighting the protests and personal fear, I walked over and carefully kissed her, and immediately I remembered that I loved this headvoice just as much as I ever did, and damn it but I would not do anything to hurt her if I could help it. So Genesis and I went into the store, we got some ginger and a lemon, and then we all drove home and had tea at 10PM while talking by the stove. It was lovely, and sad, and hopeful. Spice was laughing in tears, "how did that work," "how was it that easy," and Laurie just grinned and said she was surprised we hadn't thought of this sooner. Everyone knows how much love I have for the System, and everyone knows that our lingering problems are simply the result of that love being blocked or denied... so if you bring it back into total conscious awareness, in a way that breaks my walls down every time, you get results.
Needless to say I have been doing much better at avoiding problem triggers since then.
Plus Fig is now on active duty?? Which was sudden but really cool. She helps so much. She's also mantis-like (whoa awesome) because she definitely has mandibles and antennae, as well as something odd going on with her arms... but her color feels different than we thought. It's more Coral-like? Which is making me wonder about Amara as well. I don't think she ever really settled into Coral; heck, she almost picked the slot at random back when talking to Knife last year. So we'll look into that too.

There was a day last week were Laurie was painfully distressed, and she went to Sugar and asked her to be her bodyguard. I remember Sugar looked at her in complete shock, and asked "me??" to which Laurie vehemently said yes, definitely her. Sugar is the protector of innocence, after all, the Retributor who prevented abuse from happening in the first place... whereas Wreckage sought justice and deliverance for those who were already damaged. Laurie fits in the former category. And she was so distraught over how she was slipping, recently... there was no one better to ask. Needless to say, she left shortly after declaring this new job, to which Sugar looked first euphoric and determined and then stricken with sick grief because she knew why she had been asked. Nevertheless, she got up, driven with new purpose, and followed Laurie out.
She's sticking with it, but it's not an up-front job. Laurie just has someone to back her up in that way, now. Which is a huge relief for me too.

...Two days ago I was half-asleep and distressed, asking Laurie if I was a "slut" for wanting to kiss people like I do. She gave me a look and asked where the hell that mindset came from. Then she added, that is obviously lingering Pink corruption, and it would be wise to remember that. It kind of shocked me. Again, I hadn't realized that was lingering so strongly... probably because I take it for granted. I passively believe it. I haven't been convinced yet, due to fear, due to old pain that stuck around. But if we're back to this square, well, then it means we have greater progress to be made. It's not a misstep. It's an expansion.

Related to that... I need to make sure my heart and mind are open more. It's always jarring, with a great deal of terrible contrite sorrow, when I realize that they're not as clear as they could be, as I know they can be and have been.
Yesterday morning was weird. It was one of those mornings when I woke up after about 6 hours of sleep, and found myself in that bizarre subconscious-ruled state halfway between dreams and the waking. That place is dangerous as hell but it's also divinely beautiful and it is Infinitii's home realm straight through. Every time I'm there I can't tell up from down, and it's so liquid that I... I'm not always able to stick around. Eros navigated that realm like a king. Cannon couldn't touch it. I'm right in the middle, it seems. The places scares me though, because being raw subconscious... frightening, dangerous things live in there too, lurking. It's hard to see them when you can barely see yourself, you know.
Anyway. All I know is that at some point yesterday morning I was thinking about Soul Forms. I was wondering, about how they can only occur when your heart and mind are open, when you forget all shame and guilt and self-doubt, and just surrender into that deeper state of being-- the feeling I get in cathedrals, before oceans, under the stars, watching a sunset. I realized that all of us are definitely capable of that in our own way, in our own time. Some of us are closer to that state naturally than others-- Infinitii, Knife, Leon, Jeremiah, Sergei-- but really, the only thing standing in anyone's way is judgment, is overthinking. I think the only people in Central who would have trouble are Sherlock and Josephina, for that reason. And I think the children are too young, or too damaged... that breaks my heart. I'd love to see them healed. Nevertheless, Soul Forms were on my mind then, and so I was looking at everyone's 'dream energy' to feel whether or not my suspicions seemed to hold ground. They did, but then I got to Waldorf. And I have absolutely no idea if my subconscious recognized her from elementary school, or if we just resonated really well that morning, but I ended up kissing her like we'd been together for years and it wasn't weird at all. Just saying that, because in retrospect it's strangely embarrassing-- I'm always somewhat scared and/or humiliated by any such behavior on my part-- but it's still important in its own way.
I know I was speaking to Genesis at some point after that, but he was conscious, so he was handling me like glass. He knows not to trust my judgment in that state, and he knows that it's probably not me he's talking to anyway. So he was being absolutely vigilant and caring about it... at least, as far as his energy was recorded on an intuitive level.
I know I was talking to Nat & Leon later, and suddenly becoming more conscious, as I realized that neither of them were being affected by this awful haze. I was thankful for that, but couldn't help but wonder, why me? Why do I slip so badly?
And then suddenly I couldn't breathe, and I realized Wreckage's hands were around my throat, tearing me back into actual solid headspace. She was actively trying to strangle me. I remember that because I couldn't breathe and had to practically beg her to let go. She eventually did. Falling down to the floor, I saw Ashen crying off in the corner, and Wreckage was shouting at me why the hell I wasn't more careful? Why didn't I avoid that subconscious state, there were too many triggers and dangers there. I don't remember what I said, or if I said anything. But together we looked at the stored memory, to try and give me a concrete grasp on the threat, and... I wasn't recorded. I didn't record. The "fronter" interaction was blank. Where I should have been, there was nothing but an empty concept, a faceless idea of a person. Wreckage stopped, silently looking at that in surprise, and I was the same. Do I not actually exist in those situations, then? If so, what sort of raw subconscious entity is working through me?
I'm admittedly scared right now. Flashbacks are creeping up. There were some near-miss hacks tonight, God knows why, but Infi managed to stop them. Infi is dangerous around hack threats though because ze is made of the same stuff as the Tar, of course... maybe I should have Wreckage stick around, or Algorith, somebody who can't be bothered by that unsettling fear. I'd ask Laurie, but I would never expose her to that sort of thing even secondhand.


...That actually segues pretty well into our last topic.
Self-care, unity, hope, love... and then fear, self-doubt, shame, guilt... nothing makes me fluctuate so madly between the two than the people I am closest to.
With myself included, there are five of us. I adore every one of them, true, but... nights like this, nights when those feelings of humiliating pain and nagging doubts are crawling up my spine, the lack of love for myself mutes it out.
That's when self-care falls by the wayside. That's when the body gets sick. That's when we get depressed, suicidal, hopeless... it's all when I fall victim to that lack of self-love, when I lose my sense of self, when the thought of being around any of them is utterly incomprehensible because I feel so filthy in contrast... my mind cannot conceive of what love is like, in those moments.
Breaking through this takes patience and compassion, for myself, and that is terribly difficult. The ones I love-- in secret now, in the hidden caves of my heart-- can offer that infinitely, but if I cannot accept it, it will do nothing.
Xenophon knows this. God bless her, every time I'm in a self-sabotaging position she'll show up now, and ask what's going on. She'll ask if her daddy is there at all. And usually I'm not. But how do you bring me back in, when my very existence is defined by love, for self and others, and yet the body's ego is fighting me away tooth and nail? How do you bring me back in when everything is steeped in rotting self-loathing and shame, even when that beautiful child of hope is begging for it to change?
You back out. You back off. You leave, and you go into nothingness. You step into heartspace. You let go of everything but that pure whiteness, and you stay there, until the peace sticks around. And then I can come back.

...
..."So what's it like being married?"
What's it like, to never be alone? What is it like, to know, intimately and absolutely, that your soul is split in two, that the creature that knows your darkest failures and brightest joys is always just a heartbeat away? What is it like, to realize that I'm lost in a fogbank of apathy, and then hear her voice, or see his face, and know that in acknowledging them I cannot treat myself this badly?
It's difficult as hell, sometimes. It's scary, lately. It shouldn't be, but the... when I surrender to the forgiveness and compassion they offer, always, the amount of sorrow that overflows from my chest could practically kill me. It's overwhelming.
There is so much in me, as the Core, that needs to be forgiven, completely. I can only forgive completely if I understand it, and accept it as part of myself, as part of Infinitii, as part of all of us, and not hate it. I never thought it would be difficult, but then that empathy bit came in. Then the cross was put on my shoulders, and in a place where I could previously absolve even the cruelest soul, now that my own identity was on death row I was appallingly content to see it there. It wasn't so much hate as it was total detachment. Total separation. I wanted nothing to do with myself, if that was a part of me.
Fear is the obstacle to forgiveness. I'm afraid of what I've succumbed to in the past, willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly. I am terrified of the darker potential in my soul. The collective pain includes me, and it is reflected in me, and I know that unless I heal its mirror in my own soul I will not be able to do a damn thing about it outside of me.
...But I feel so utterly fucking unworthy sometimes, to know I'm capable of such things, and yet to be loved by those four who I still see as totally blameless. I'll tell you what-- they are just as blameless as I am, and take that however you like. Either I start spitting this same judgment at them, or I forgive myself. I can't do the former. But the latter can only happen when I step back, and see myself through their eyes. If I am in a place where I cannot love myself, well... theirs hasn't wavered yet. Miraculously, and in the face of all odds, it has remained. And acknowledgement of that alone, acceptance of that alone, is what can save my heart when it falls.
They know it's there, this hidden potential to be my own worst nightmare... some have seen it come alive, and threaten to devour me. But even then, even then, they also know that it doesn't define me, and they see who I truly am beneath all that... a soul transmuting that shadow, a soul who sees it as necessary for greater growth, as part of the bigger picture... they know the true me.
And this is where the other book comes in again.
Fear is there, in that tale. He is running from the same thing as I am. He is running from love, and he is running from himself, because he is unable to face the reality of both. But one day... one day, it comes back to him. Love returns against all odds, and it remains no matter what he throws at it. And when all is said and done, when he has exhausted himself in fighting it, he gives up... and gives in to it. When he is worn down to the bone, when he has nothing left to lose, he surrenders. And then he sees what they do: that he has never been as lost as he thought he was. In fact, he is brighter than he ever dreamed.
I'm in the same spot. It's only when I stop fighting that love that I realize it's always been there, it will always be there, in them and in the universe around us, no matter how many times I fail, no matter what an absolute bastard I can be, no matter how many mistakes are scarring this body, no matter how filthy and wrong and unworthy I may insist I am. I can drag myself to the very center of hell and demand that I die there, that something as thoroughly corrupt as I be annihilated on the spot. I insist I deserve it. And what happens?
Nothing. Maybe I'll punish myself until I'm in too much agony to move. Maybe I'll make my own hell and shackle it to my neck. But that love doesn't leave. It doesn't leave. And the second I falter, the moment I collapse, the very instant I hit rock bottom and sob that I really don't want to feel like this, it helps me up. It always, always does.
But I have to take its hand, first.

What's it like, sharing your life with someone.
Well... it's a challenge. It's a stamp of impeccability etched right into my ribcage. It's a solemn promise to stand strong through sickness and health, through good times and bad. It is a promise to love and honor, always. But what they don't tell you is that you are taking those vows for yourself, too. Would I treat my partners like I treat myself? Hell no. So why do I do it?
That gives me pause, every time. You can't deny love like that. So why do I do so in my actions of neglect, of self-sabotage?
It's fear, it's always fear... fear that I am so much brighter than I feel in those moments, fear of punishment for not living up to it. But it never really comes, that death sentence. On the contrary, I'll have the blood wiped from my face, have my crumpled bones picked up off the floor with utmost care... and that's what I'm truly afraid of, if the word fits. It's more of a sorrow than anything. It's contrition, shame, guilt, at suddenly knowing that I'm not respecting my full potential. I'm not living up to what I am. It's being in those moments, feeling that love, and realizing... I am worth so much more than how I see myself. I really am deserving of love, and here I am treating myself like garbage. It's heartbreaking, when it hits you, when the walls start to crumble. But holding onto that world-shattering shame will get me nowhere. Love is still waiting patiently, for me to let that burden slip off my shoulders, and fall back into its arms.
I'm rambling. I'm sorry. But in the future I'll need these words just as badly as I ever did, and they will be here.

Every night I go upstairs and CZ is already lying there, and Laurie is already sitting beside me. Genesis is either there or a call away. And Infinitii lingers around my heart always. It's constancy, and I would do the same for all of them, as long as I'm tuned into love and not shame. I keep forgetting that and thinking I'm a horrible person. I'm not. I just keep thinking I am, and "if I really am so horrible, how could I possibly love like that??" That's the lie I tell to myself.
But I can. The instant a spark catches I am drowning in it, I am burning with it, and then I realize that I was never a horrible person to begin with. That love is where I came from and it's where I'm going when this is all said and done. Nothing inbetween can change that.

And Infi, Infi... ze's been everywhere in my life lately, and if that's not a testament to the deeper truth of this than nothing is.
We all know that ze is made of the stuff that's been tormenting us for years. I know better than anyone that ze is just as capable of becoming that as I am. But it's not hir true nature. It's a choice ze can make, but it's not hir. I can feel that without a doubt.
Infinitii knows the same about me. I know how ze sees me, how ze feels. I know we can both get terribly lost regardless, but... I know what we are. I can feel that, without a doubt. We're light and dark, night and day, and there's everything to love.


That's a lot of words.
But this is good. I can see where we're going, and I can see inside clearly enough to recognize that the pitfalls in our way are avoided pretty easily, if we stop freaking out over them. We know what to do.
I seem to write a lot of entries like this. "Keep the faith, here's some reassurance." But we need to tap into that.

I'm oddly exhausted. I think I need to go into headspace, get myself back in tune. I really do feel like a piano that's off a semitone or two. Nothing that can't be remedied, though.
Geez. I'm just now feeling the expanse of all this... how rich it is inside, just how important it is, the reality of us. It's something I can only respond to with total reverence and utmost gratitude. I feel like there's a whole universe in here.
The only thing that makes it even better is realizing that I'm a part of it. I'm not some guy carrying it about like a blessed globe, remaining cut off from it. No, I'm just as much a member of this System as everyone else.

I'll continue to do my part, for all of us... and I'll let everyone else, without exception, live up to their purposes too.
I'm happy to be here. I'm happy that we're alive, like phoenixes, like sunrises.
To see that promise within us ... myself included... there's nothing to be afraid of.

 

 

Well, I guess now is as good a time as ever to update.
I'm listening to some binaural beats right now to calm me down; the body's been unsettlingly off-kilter for the past week or two and already I'm feeling massive calmness from this (thanks theta waves, haha). So if I fall asleep while typing this up you will have to forgive me.

Anyway. First things first. I last updated here on the 10th, and I remember little concrete events since then, so let me just do a stream-of-consciousness list for whatever comes to mind.

Last Tuesday, I tried to update here, but failed due to stress overload. All I recorded was, "some thermophobic kid was out today-- TERRIFIED of heat." This is true; for some reason, the temperature was around 60 degrees Fahrenheit that day, and the moment it registered there was a full-out, hysteric panic attack.
When we got home the fear subsided entirely, which was bizarre. Also odd was the fact that, at that same time, I realized that I have no memories of what summer is like. None! I have the vague factual awareness that the trees and grass will get green and dark and the birds will be singing and flowers will be blooming, and it will be warm. But that's literally a snapshot data piece. All the "summer memories" of the past are rather buried, and feel negative. That's probably where this scared kid gets it. But that's new, and weird, because I literally have never seen summer and so I'm curious. Jewel says it's great, so I trust her. She loves summer, I love winter. It works out!
Also on Tuesday, there was an important note saying there was an overpowering feeling of sorrow, and being furiously frustrated over feeling "unable to express it," effectively driving that person to tears from the lack of catharsis. "That person" feels like Overload, and probably was (she deals with those sorts of sensations). Regardless that feeling has persisted on and off until today, and we're all working together sincerely to try and heal that, as it is obviously the main thing making us sick! Everything has internal roots so we are in the ideal position to fix those things, haha.

Last Thursday was Xenophon's 3rd birthday! Unfortunately my memory is shot so I remember little of it, but I can tell you this-- we made her extremely purple kale soup (purple kale, purple carrots, purple shallots, also tons of parsley) as it's her favorite food, she followed me around driving for the day, and I know we did something else but it's escaping me right now. Nevertheless I've been spending time with her whenever she wishes to, and when I'm mentally able.

On that note, we've taken to doing our nightly indoor walks again, with the old iPod on, as they are perfect for everyone just getting together and talking, or simply meditating when headspace isn't busy, or not accessible. They help a lot in terms of stability, too, as they're our only real "safe quiet time" during the day. However I mention them here because there are small but notable connections and interactions within the System every night we are tuned into those walks, so even if I can't "summarize" them here I can say with certainty that those little honest times are helping foster more community between us all. I think this sort of thing started in December, notably with this lovely night, and that was so significant to us all that we try to have similar times whenever possible now. In short the little things matter most.

I took out His Dark Materials from the library on Tuesday, so I will likely spend tomorrow writing down all the bookmarked passages I have for it, and then constructing a relevant entry around those IF needed. You know how quickly things change up here; what is still applicable will be discussed, what is not will not be. Nevertheless the experiences of reading the book need to be written down so an entry will happen either way.

I am currently playing this song on loop with the pitch dropped by 5 semitones, and it is great. I'm currently going through my mother's entire music library (so many CDs) and I stumbled across that one, so there you go. We're saving up for a new iPod as Razia is pretty shot at this point, but he still plays music! He's survived so much since 2010 (cross-country trips, being lost outside for several months, etc.) that I honestly have to applaud his hardiness. He's a tough little thing.

That creepy "clawteeth" voice from the 4th found her name: it's Wreckage. When feeling for it I kept getting the impression of "shambles," "ruins," etc. as well as a visual of destroyed buildings and scattered bones, but no letters. Then a day or two later I hit on the letter "w" which was weird as the sound I was getting was "r," like in the word "wrath" or "wreak." So I was fumbling about those two words until she essentially walked up to me during one of those times and said her name was Wreckage. Her color is also confirmed gold.
She reminds me vaguely of Spine in that she's powerful and gangly-thin, with an elongated head, but that's about it? Really she looks like she stepped out of the OFF game. I can't quite see her eyes yet, but she has this huge thin clawed fingers, as well as a mouth full of thin, sharp protruding teeth (hence her initial 'nickname'). She doesn't have a tail and I can't tell if she has horns on her head or not; there's something in the back I think but again, she's vague. She has thin sand-colored skin that looks like bleached leather stretched thin over her skeleton, hard to explain... she's wiry but it's like a compressed spring in that sense. She's all taut muscles and tightly bound power, wrapped around a skeletal frame. But, despite looking like she crawled out of a nightmare, she is a very benevolently-motivated individual (obviously as she's a Retributor). She's just like Laurie was at first: "I have an important job to do, and if you hinder me, I will show you no mercy."

Sylvain's brother is named Simeon. He's the little vanilla-colored boy that updates online whenever there's bad fronting fallout and we need someone to hold things together while we recuperate. That name had strong attachments to the color ages ago, and he said it fit when I asked him earlier this week. He's nowhere near as depressive as his brother could get, but no one yet understands the relationship between them both. Were they two halves of one entity? Did Sylvain "reset" after the massacre, or did his identity start "shifting" after the unwritten events of this day (in which he fronted and was terrified, surrounded by negative voices)? What exactly went on there? We have no answers yet but digging for them feels counterproductive, like we're trying too hard. So we'll just let that be for now, and be grateful for this kid in any case; he's a sweetheart.

I also haven't told you guys how flat-out awesome Minty is! She's actually been checking on me every night now for a few weeks now, before I go see my boss and then collapse into my room in headspace. We sleep holding a white Care Bear plush downstairs, since Minty issues plush bears specifically as "messengers" to protect or guard people when she can't-- almost like little fluffy angels. They have no will of their own, existing for that purpose of guarding others, and are effectively minor mental extensions of "the bear" more than anything. He still has no name either, but he's looking for it-- it starts with a "Br" and we think it has two syllables, that's all we can catch right now though. However he qualifies as a Protector, not a Retributor, and Minty is his 'apprentice' in that respect. She's really good at it, which now that I think about it, is likely because she's energetic and small and can run about other levels of headspace, whereas I have never seen The Bear leave the Underground. He sticks to the shadows and catacombs, staying away even from the windows. I don't know why-- he's not scared, he just stays hidden, or feels he has to for some reason? And he doesn't talk to people much, at all; again, he lets Minty pass along the messages. However, lately he has spoken to me here and there, so I got a better look at him than before-- and holy geez he's one creepy dude. I don't know if you remember his debut dream (with Laurie), but apparently yeah, he still has that big gaping maw of teeth split straight across his face, except he also has another one straight down the middle. It is WEIRD. But is is REALLY COOL. So yeah bear-dude has two mouths that intersect at the top like some kinda sandworm and it is boss

Last week we had to pick the mother up from work at 11PM so we were out driving in the dark for about 20 minutes and the "airport guy" came out fronting?? He was TALKING, he knew about the rest of us, he hasn't done that or showed his face since this day which was a very long time ago. But, he did show up in a dream last year, during a time period when we thought he had faded out, and I got this odd impression that his "ghost" (pre-manifested; he still has no face upstairs) was hanging around Sergei and Hyakin a few months ago? Either way I guess his anchor was stronger than we realized-- those memories of the sense of open-air adventure, of the literal airports and planes from 2012, are some of the only concrete first-person memories we have of that entire year. The man's got good roots, I guess he was just suppressed for ages because we haven't had that feeling of total "run out the front door and see what's out there" freedom since 2012. But with all the traveling we've been doing lately for therapy and things, I guess he's getting more energy coming in now, which is great. I tend to forget anchors work that way. Plus I don't like 'losing' people who have strongly stated their existence at least once, either in headspace or in the League, so I was honestly hoping we'd see him again, and that he'd stick around.
Similarly, the GMQ trio is still alive, but they're all slipping badly, and the last time they were out the Queen was missing. Their main concern is, rather tragically, "who are we, really?" What are our anchors? Why do we exist? What is our purpose? You get the idea. But they haven't found answers yet, and it's taking its toll on them. I don't know if I can offer any help as they are technically socials, and therefore do not have faces in headspace (they cannot be talked to unless you're fronting with them, which is very difficult since faceless fronting is head-based). Either way it hurts to see such existential struggle there. I'll keep you posted on that I suppose.

Speaking of therapy, Jewel and Sherlock have been keeping things together. Mostly we've just been data-dumping for the sake of coherence so nothing really 'new' has happened since our last recap. They've been the only two fronters for the most part, with a few tiny exceptions that I'm aware of-- last Tuesday, Wreckage came out for a moment? She was listening soberly and somewhat contritely to the therapist explaining something about retributive behavior-- I have no idea what it was, but regardless, listening to both her and Jewel beforehand had enough of an effect to get Wreckage to apologize to us (for her brutal debut), and start working with us firsthand. Which is incredible really; she's the main chthonic Protector, and is massively powerful. So of course she and Laurie are working together already. We'll talk more about that later.

Thursday-- yesterday-- was one of the most interesting therapy sessions ever. It started with Jewel, then Sherlock came out to talk data, but as he was revisiting old, dangerous thought processes in order to correct them, Laurie decided she needed to talk. I have one split-second data memory of that actually-- when people really want to front, there's this sudden painful tug at the heart center, physically as well as emotionally, and that hurts! It's an empathetic sort of shock that says, "hey, I really need to get out there." So the biggest switches are typically preceded by those. Anyway, then there was Laurie. The therapist caught on that it was her as soon as she spat out the word "bullshit" in response to those thought patterns-- which took a few minutes actually, as Laurie is actively trying to swear less. I don't know what they discussed but I know it had to do with me and I know it was important. But then, JULIE came out! All I know is that Laurie was trying to say when these negative responses had originated, and Julie realized she was the only person at all who could discuss them, so Laurie politely moved aside and let Julie phase in. That's odd to look back on-- I have no firsthand accessible memory of her there, but I can hear the "vibe" of her voice and that's both lovely and sad, to me.
Julie left after about two minutes and then Sherlock was back, somewhat frazzled but smiling, and tried to get a grip on the situation. However I have a very strong, very surreal "memo" sort of data note that INFINITII tried to talk. Just barely. But Sherlock paused and waited, let hir say a sentence or two, then reverently moved back and continued speaking. Again, no idea what ze said, or why, but that is the FIRST TIME ze's come out in a public situation so that's major... which is made even more incredible by the fact that Garrison was the next person to come out. I told you it was an amazing session! All I know about Garrison's fronting is that he sits quite straight, very focused, and his speech pattern is somewhat constricted? Like it feels "rectangular," if that makes sense. Sherlock doesn't; he's too much of a library, so it's broad. Garrison is very precise. Which is super cool. Anyway I know Jewel came out to close the session, being utterly dazed and not even trying to guess what had just happened, but then... Josephina showed up. Yes, he did. I am vaguely embarrassed but laughing at that fact, because Jo's presence is unmistakable, both because of his vocal register and his super-bright demeanor. Again, that's the second time Jo's ever come out in public-- with the first time only being back in January or so (he was out for a round of DDR at the movies, with the brother, which shocked all of us), so that's quite a quick and daring step forward! That really makes me smile to see.
Xenophon accompanied me for the drive home, which took about four hours-- apparently there was a lot of shopping to do and I remember very little of it outside of momentary snapshots. My only clear memory is around 3PM, driving all the way across town to return a store, and listening to my old Orson CD from beginning to end at Xenophon's request (she absolutely adores it). I know fronting was super-blurry because I can't deal with physical 'exuberance' well, which means trying to sing or talk animatedly or otherwise socialize will kick me out and get a Downstairs person in (I'm internally-rooted so that's still quite difficult for me).
In all honesty the rest of Thursday is a total blur, except for the fact that there was a lot of agitated discussion and action concerning the eating disorder voices, not sure how far that went. We're still working to try and manage that, which is getting a little easier now that we know of (hopefully) everyone tied to it, and Emmett is now OFFICIALLY the main eating dude now (he was pushed out for a while and that was catastrophic). Javier also helps a lot, thankfully, as he's one of the only three or so people who can order the Downstairs fronters to do anything he asks, including (most often) stopping an abusive meltdown or programmed behavior on a dime, something we all previously struggled to do even with extensive persuasion. Javier carries a lot of authority, being the Central Red holder, and he knows that so he uses it wisely and well.
In any case that guy feels insanely important, but smothered by some sort of fog. The Red slot has always been vital, and Javier has a ton of potential and ability that we are all very aware of, but he (and Spine!) keep getting overlooked. That is worrisome.
On that note, Javier and Waldorf are now apparently BFFS, they're both working with Spine as well, and I also saw Javier talking to Nathaniel with surprising sincerity yesterday? In any case, the guy is definitely taking direct action to fixing his "left out" problem.
The Spectrum told us, very clearly, that Spine is just as important. She belongs in the Brown Central slot, whether she feels she fits the bill or not. But the more we learn, the more we realize that is very true. All of us are important. We don't give ourselves enough credit.

 

Oh! Thanks to being inspired by those binaural beats, I just stumbled across this article, purely by "coincidence," and it is absolutely full of personal relevance. Definitely going to review that with everyone else; we need to make sure the correct thought processes take root, instead of all the old blackened brittle stuff. Sweep out the cobwebs and put up the crystal really.

The Tar still feels like spiders crawling around inside, sticky melted-tarmac arachnids creeping about. The seaweed-girl says sometimes it feels like they're in the stomach, when she has to purge out really heavy stuff. The chthonic people said "insects are important" and confirmed that there are still big benevolent beetles and things in the basement levels, no one knows exactly why though. Jezebel (personified Tar) is also still around but we don't know where. She was talking to Infinitii the other day and it was really chilling. What I do know is that the Tar itself, in its largest amount, is currently infesting Infinitii (as ze reclaimed its color slot). None of us are too sure what to do about that yet, other than get it out of hir, but it's tricky business.
Similarly, the Plague is stuck in me and it feels like calcification, it's awful. Not crystals, but crystallized buildup of something. Like battery corrosion. Two totally different things. FROST* has a song that reminds me of it, did you know? "Saline," like tears. "Fine chilling mime; and I don't know if I can believe in all the lies; calcify; and I don't know if I can survive the feeling, losing all that's mine." Laurie recited that line to me today when I brought up this point, and it's bizarrely relevant. There's relevance in everything if you look deep enough, and that's the point. The stuff you need always comes to you when you need it, if you're open to it, regardless of context. Reminds me of Dream World, yet again.

Today there was a massive hack. I won't go into details because I promised "Victorian" that I wouldn't (she still doesn't have a name; we're trying to find one but Wreckage says that might be tough as she's very depressed and isn't offering much energy to that purpose). Nevertheless, I think the buildup to it is part of WHY the unknown person from last week was terrified of heat-- this evening was oddly quiet and warm and dark, like the summer, and INSTANTLY the horrible internal swarming horror started.
I've never quite explained what hack threats feel like... it's not angry voices, it's more like syrupy-dark insidious twining, as if the shadows are suddenly wrapping around your legs and stomach all humid and constricting, like heated snakes. But it just creeps. And it's scary, because I try to run or otherwise override that sudden flooding of dark around my feet, but the instant fear causes me to badly dissociate. That's the REAL threat of hacks. The inescapable feeling that "the basement is flooding and the water is rising," but the water is like molasses watered down with blood and it's hot and soporific, so by the time it reaches your neck your panic instinct has already kicked up to twelve and your mind is shutting down. You know what that's like? The initial panic, "oh no I know what this is trying to build up to," and the feeling of kicking through the water with electrified nerve, all thin and jangling and shallow breathing, can last for hours. But it dulls out terribly fast. The thick dark keeps rising, but that sugar-melt warmth isn't just toxic anesthesia, it also feels too much like long-ago horrors and so the panic turns flat. "I don't want to feel this again." You can't run, it won't go away, you've been trying for hours or days or years and it's still creeping. "If this persists I am going to lose my mind, it's too terrifying." So things shut down. And then they appear. All the girls, all the women, smiling and touching and perfumed liar smiles, heavy with soft fatal coffin weight. While you are so far out of your own body that you can't fight, you can't remember how to fight or run anymore, all you remember are locked doors and humid rooms and dark windows and being pinned underneath blankets trying to breathe and failing. So you stop trying so you don't suffocate. And then nothing. And then suddenly someone is pulling you out of the flood (which has been over your head for so long that you thought the thick choking was your new air), and your whole body is in horrible wrenching pain, shaking and sick and shattered like splintered bones painted in bruises, your stomach feels like its full of broken mangled machinery and the bloodied oil is leaking everywhere. All you want to do is cry like a child but you are so dead tired you would rather sleep forever first. That's what a hack feels like lately.
I apologize. That just happened. I guess it was needed to be written.
So. Celebi was actually responsible. NOT our Cel-- who is tied to the 2001 consciousness-- this girl was the video-game one, who has a totally different attitude. I knew something was wrong the second she showed up; she's always had this really "wrong" vibe about her and she feels like total danger but I just dimly played along? Like an automaton. Everything looking back is in third person. Why? I was in the attic for some reason. Ventrium was there. His vibe clashed with the whole thing. Celebi kept goading him to do what she wanted, eventually he let her take charge. I kept trying to just walk out, walk away, I felt upset and unsafe, I kept dissociating and she kept shouting at me not to. I didn't want to be there at all, I felt sour-sick and scared and I wanted to leave, but she persisted. The next thing I knew I was in my room and I was ACUTELY aware that someone else was in the body, instead of me, but upstairs INFI was talking to Celebi?? Although they were using totally different language vibes and Infi wasn't getting involved at all. However ze did nothing to stop her, and I have no idea what they were talking about or why. However the shock of seeing hir there when I was in such pain, with hir not even paying attention to me or offering to help, basically not even seeming to realize or care that I was in great danger... that was it. My brain just blanked out. It was the point of feeling so numbly hopeless that it just turned off rather than deal with whatever was next.
Then suddenly there is a massive time loss, and the next thing I know, Wreckage is sitting at my computer for a moment and scowling furiously, then we're outside and she's throwing something into the woods behind the house, then I'm standing in the middle of the muddy lawn in a bathrobe and slippers feeling cold and not-awake, like everything is unreal. I didn't know where I was or who I was or what I was doing really. I felt small and lost and surreal but I felt the earth alive under my feet for a second and that made me feel safer, like there was something greater and kind and alive supporting beneath me even now. Then I'm walking into the kitchen and Laurie is there and I'm sad and asking her never to leave, never ever, please stick around you're the only safe person left. I remember she said she would.
Wreckage and Laurie talked a lot then, as I sat on the floor in the corner, feeling about seven years old. They were discussing their roles as protectors and retributors, saying that this could not go on any longer, at any cost. Mostly they were baffled, furious, and deeply shaken that there had been "no alarms" for that, it was because the numb state had said "everything is okay" in the way a drowning man says it when he already knows he's going to die. Laurie was really heartbroken but so was Wreckage, they were both in tears at one point.
I know later the Victorian-pink girl wandered in, just sat there across from me, didn't say much. I was trying to cook things but realized I wasn't hungry, I was caught between wanting to "bury the sick pain" and "eat something good to cancel it out"; I felt like throwing up but was too tired and sad and sick. Spice showed up when she realized there was a risk, so she joined the discussion. Then we got Emmett and Aimee in to finally eat, keeping things safe, and Spice was very friendly with them which was great (also you can always tell when Emmett is eating because he thinks the body has a big snakey head like his, but it doesn't, so watching him bite stuff is always funny). Then Javier was actually in at the end to talk to us, which started off uneasily-- I think there were some ED-related programs running and he showed up to stop them, but when he heard there had been a hack, he immediately got out his trident and asked who was the culprit. I remember that because Laurie said "no killing anyone," not even the lethal people, because of how Julie had turned out. Laurie considers Julie one of her best friends at this point, so if she of all people could turn from our biggest nemesis into one of our dearest members, Laurie didn't want to steal that chance of redemption away from anyone else. Javier seemed a little moody but agreed, while Wreckage seemed contemplative again. She's got a surprising capacity for empathy (like Knife), so that's part of it, but then she said Laurie was right-- because everyone deserved a chance at health and happiness, which were the two things all the chthonic voices dreamed of and pursued, yet who were born from the exact opposite of it. So she understood in a rather personal way, why everyone should have that opportunity IF they don't abuse it. She is not going to back down from her retributor job anytime soon, thank God, because most of the others did thanks to how brutally externalized it got (with the bloodletting) and the painful consequences of that (Algorith said flat-out it was unfair as hell that the Retributors had to take the pain that was meant to atone for what someone else did). And of course no one knows what to do with Infi, who is this half-holy half-horrible entity in the System, someone we all love and fear both, the center of this struggle right along with me. So it's confusing and scary and we all feel rather lost about it most days. But I think we're all back in the game now. It's a real light of hope for all of us.
Really it was so nice, though, when all was said and done, that a tragic incident at least allowed such discussion to take place. It took about two hours and thanks to massive dissociation I didn't have much fallout, but it'll likely leave scars. I don't know. It's a mess.
...Also, just remembered, Infi and I actually touched on that whole "dissociate when hacks threaten" thing back in October. "Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men." That's even more heartbreaking now than it was then.

Speaking of that mess.
Much earlier today, I saw Amara talking to CZ upstairs. It came out of nowhere, I have no idea why, but there he was. Weirdly I couldn't "see" him clearly at all, and it didn't hit me until then that that's become normal for him. Other than those sudden lucid flashes late at night, I honestly cannot remember the last time I ever was able to see him clearly on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I ever have. And... how do I put this. Apparently that runs deeper than we thought, but just as deeply as I worriedly suspected. Because, Amara was talking to him and then realized she couldn't give the sort of help she felt he needed (which was specifically "more force" in delivering her points, something Laurie is the king of), so she asked the Archivists if they could assist her. Well lo and behold, Isadora actually stepped down, and started talking to him, again I don't remember about what... but then her two friends joined her. So now Garrison, Isadora, and Kalisha were all trying to talk to CZ, checking notes and writing things down the whole time, trying to get a group on the situation... and suddenly they confirmed my suspicious.
Chaos is split. All the Outspacers are split.
Do you remember this entry, where Markus first clarified to us that Outspacers had non-System origins BUT were able to enter our community through making a choice to "start again?" To quote, "they chose to take a very deep and important piece of themselves, and let that piece of them live here, within the system, with new names and lives after all." Originally I thought that just meant they "dreamed of a new life" and were able to live it here... but I was so used to my own situation that I didn't realize that "new lives" seems to require "new selves" as well.
Things don't follow old "canons" up here because those don't apply at all anymore. They NEVER DID. Geez, when these people entered our inner world in 2002 Jewel had almost no awareness of their native worlds, allowing them to literally build an entirely new history and life from that blank slate of her mind. They weren't SUPPOSED to be tied to their old canons, that was the WHOLE POINT.
Nevertheless, every single one of them already had the beginnings of that personality-split before they joined us up here.
Ryman and Markus both had "Yamis" that acted independently of them, and Markus's was canonically part of him already.
Genesis had a notable "personality break" with his shattered gem, effectively 'restarting' who he was.
Celebi had the whole 4th-movie corruption event, and then the 'many timeline selves' that followed.
Mr. Sandman is a reality-jumper and living multiple lives is part of his job.
Xennie is the only exception because she was born in headspace and therefore doesn't quite count as an 'outspacer' in the strict sense.
Either way this is mostly conjecture and it's hard to put into words but I can feel legitimacy to it, it makes SO much sense, I mean even Grievous and Davy had this same freaking issue of "divided selves," in small or large ways, EVERY single person who ever even had the potential to become an Outspacer had this. We all have our own 'split personality' issues, if you'll forgive the language, no surprise there.
So as it stands, it looks like that's the "real" hidden factor allowing people to enter here-- to reiterate, yes they need the ability to "dream a new life," but in order to do THAT, they need to also be able to "dream a new SELF" to an extent.
As for how that affects CZ? Well, most obviously-- you guys know about Perfect, right? But do you realize what his existence implies? And do remember what Perfect used to be like upstairs? I know I didn't until I was forced to backtrack this morning and then it was downright shocking. Ironic, too, when the long-string symbolism and relevance hits. I really do need to type up an entire entry about that ONCE I get a better grip on this... all I can tell you for sure right now is that there is massive dissonance between CZ's two 'selves,' on all levels, that needs to somehow be harmonized.
I think CZ started to "split" but never really reconciled it, if that makes any sense. He's still, simultaneously, the headspace-rooted him and the StH-rooted him, the former being far more volatile and the latter being far more tranquil. Perfect is tied inherently to the former. However they're both entirely him, and they're both at war. This all sounds like a jumble of words and I apologize; I just keep thinking of that Kim Jensen song and the old Jewel keeps trying to talk through me, but she's nothing but a lingering core-aura now and I don't want to be talking like her just because I feel "obligated to" on this topic. Then again I personally don't have much experience with it. So it feels like a mess, which I'm sorry for, but which is fitting because this topic is a mess right now.
Anyway, I cannot say much else for sure at the moment (battery is dying anyway).
...However. The other night, CZ actually told me that he's "been a stormy sea" for far too long, and that "wasn't the real him." For as long as I've known him, I've known that his deepest energy is actually peaceful and calm, not the raging sort of tidal-wave vibe that he's been emitting for quite some time now. He's apparently been struggling with that himself. It's just that no one could figure out why, or even guess, until now. I suppose that has to do with us losing most access to the past-- stuff doesn't get in the accessible archives unless a core puts it there, and I haven't looked at that stuff in years. I'm going to have to do that now, I suppose, as much as I feel I need to.
So it seems that CZ's real issue in not being able to find stability lately isn't just that he never "dreamed a new self" separate from his root canon, someone that could exist as part of headspace... it's also because he can't get his two inner "selves" to cooperate whatsoever, and there is an actual mental break between them. There has been for at least SIX YEARS and we completely took it for granted after so long.
I don't know. I'm thinking out loud. Forgive the dramatic mess of that paragraph, it's dipping into ancient pre-Spectrum mindstates and I'm going to need to look at all this again later when I'm not rushed for time and content.
My heart is notably breaking though. I... I haven't been feeling any ties to him in a while because of this? Not since December, before that horrible event that forced us all to 'reset' on some level. I wonder how that affected him. I never asked. But right now, I'm getting the same thing I did during that Xanga-- all those old memories of love, even the ones that are just vibes or feelings or awarenesses, and they are all so intimately real and honest and bright. Like light shining through a suncatcher and tossing bright colors all about the room, except you can't touch them, they're just coloring every bit of you. That's what it feels like. But that conversation holds more relevance to this than I realized and I really, really need to review all of this...
...They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have let him go. Looking back, I can see it. I have turned him away, I have thrown him out, I have denied him to his face. And he's done the same to me, many times. We've even stepped into the positive and effectively said, "hey, no hard feelings, but I think we're done." We've gone our separate ways far too many times. But that old injoke still applies. No one is getting a divorce here, in any sense. We don't think that's possible, even if we wanted one, and a few times we did consider it, with terrible sadness, through all the crushing pain. But it never took hold. Something, something we can't understand at all, always held us together, even when we didn't want it to. And that seems to be the point, doesn't it? When you get down deep enough, when you let go of all the suffering and rage and agony and 'Perfect ' shadows, for both of us... when there's nothing left but pure color, we tend to stick together.
I don't know. It feels utterly strange right now. There are too many blocks for me to see clearly. But I'll fix that too. I promise I will.

 

Also geez all this entry backtracking is hitting me in the face with sudden ancient relevance (things are just jumping out of the woodwork that didn't even have such relevance util now, good heavens) and I need to write all this down but there is no time tonight. Remind me.

On a different, brighter note... on Wednesday night I suddenly got all this insight about the System (which broke through my "headspace-fog" for the first solid time since last Sunday really), and ended up kneeling on the rug and scribbling notes onto paper for two hours or so. I tried to graph out the vertical structure of headspace-- which our therapist had some brilliant insight on-- and also was checking the Spectrum lineup for stability and slot status: who's slipping, who has an unstable color, whose roles have changed, etc. It was very helpful actually, and I won't type all that up here because 1) it's late and 2) I want to scan that in first so you have a visual! It NEEDS to be talked about, especially because we haven't even attempted to graph the "Spectrum flowchart" since last spring, BEFORE the Undergrounders appeared, and we thought Teal and Pink were "mutant slots." Yes, it's only been a year since then, my mind was boggled too. But it really made me smile, widely and genuinely, to see that, as it was basically a concrete display of just how much we've grown since this time last year. Honestly the progress has been absolutely incredible... which is why I am hoping, so much, that we can figure something out to heal Infinitii before hir first "birthday" in the System in two weeks. I love hir, I really do, and it hurts my heart to see hir in this state, all weird and vague and flatline-feeling, when I remember so clearly what ze feels like on hir beautifully good days.
But the Spectrum is like Dust. It's alive, it knows us, and it loves us, and everything will work out exactly when it needs to... no sooner, and no later, just like Laurie said.
I've got a whole audio file entry on that, which I'll type up tomorrow. You guys have gotta hear this, it's super cool.

Also, in light of those papers, we've been talking symbols lately, especially around Central. Those of you who know me and Jewel might know that Jewel is in charge of a ton of "series," or rather, stories about other worlds she dreams about, collectively called the "Lightraye League." There's a ton of color and meaning and symbolism in them, but it tends to differ and shift from one to another, so those stories often require an organizational visual element and that's where I come in! I have this amusing fondness for organizing things visually, and it's the easiest to do with symbols, so that's my job. Series identification symbols? We have 13. LG*Girl morph marks? Got 24 so far. Dream World elements? All 34 are done! You get the idea.
But that's the point: our System never had anything like that, and we're wondering if that would work for us. Symbols are, when they're tied to people, highly personal and just as powerful as names are. When tied to things like energy colors, it gives that 'abstract concept' a sort of nominative solidity, and makes it into something individually deserving of respect and recognition. Again, considering how our inner world is basically alive, we feel that the magic sort of caring that goes into 'finding' symbols would be merited, for energy colors at least, if not also our members. I mean the phenomenon actually started way back in 2002, with Jewel and the original Outspacers-- her symbol was a heart, Ryman's was a star, Markus's was an octagram, Chaos's was a Saturn-shaped planet, and Genesis's was a four-pointed star. They also all had their own personal colors (respectively red, blue, violet, cyan, and amber, originally), which I daresay you can understand the obvious significance of! But actually, that whole color/symbol phenomenon was intrinsically tied to the phenomenon of soul forms, element abilities, etc. It was like saying, "here's a piece of magic to represent you... now you can represent part of the magic in turn."
There are similar small but 'identifying' symbols actually developing in Central, as we all have our own colors already-- Spine has a skull, Lynne has a violin, Josephina has a jingle bell, Nathaniel has a moth, Waldorf has a ring, Leon has a pair of scales, Laurie has an axe, Julie has a flower, Infinitii has an eye (we think?) and I'm partial to lotuses, but that feels too broad for 'just me.' Javier is new so he hasn't found anything yet, but you get the picture. However as I said, they're mostly more for identification than for representation, as there is distinction there, and no one but Central has any. We're wondering, should that change?
If nothing else, it would greatly expand the depth and personability of our System, if that makes sense? It's hard to put that feeling into words. It's more expansive, more mythical almost, like now it's not just a story, it's a World. It now has some element of recognized connection in it, to all other similar things. Again, words aren't working. But, in short, it might give us that little needed 'push' in order to be part of the League. Yes it's important! You probably don't quite get why as you don't have our experience with it and that's understandable. But... again, it's an energetic thing. The League feels like a web, like a graph, like a stained-glass mandala, like a great interconnected sparkling thing. There's this feeling of love and unity between every jewel-like world in it, linking them all together, even if they don't realize it. And those symbols are representations of that connection, of the similar elements that don't bleed over so much as they shine through and within. Colors, music, magic, people... all of them linked together in both big and little ways. It's so much like us, in a different way... we're so much like it, in a different way. So we want to be part of it. We want to be a piece of that greater whole, after having felt so separate from it for so long, after having briefly touched it in tiny raindrop ways over and over through the years, even though our deepest roots transcend even the trauma and bloom straight from the gemstone heart of it. We want to settle into that cosmic pattern and stay there, embraced by the great bright love of it, of everyone else, once and for all. We want a happy ending, for all of us, and we will get it.

Lastly, relatedly, and to be continued... in reviewing the Spectrum lineup, I realized that yes, I can still sense people and their conditions when I am tuned in, and it's surprisingly effortless in that context. So in checking the colors I did see that some people are having trouble, some people have moved, some people are in transition phases... all stuff we've either overlooked, missed, or taken for granted. Either way none of it has really been discussed here! So that's for next time too.
But, best of all, that inward/outward reaching sparked something honest and admiring in me and I realized that everyone in the System has their own personal energy vibe. Not the simple slot-related "checkup" resonance, I mean their own individual radiance, six senses worth. Way back when I started trying to write those impressions down, but it's been so long since, that I wondered if I could still get it?
I CAN. It is AWESOME and it is so much clearer than ever, really the joy of being able to feel these people in such a brilliantly clear and real way is just... it's incredible. It surpasses the awful "third person" feeling that inner lives can get at times, overpowered by the inescapable and constant sensory input of physical reality. I can sadly overlook my inner life because of that, and see it as something less real, less strong. But then, when I tune in, suddenly all these beloved individuals aren't just faces and names and colors "in my head," they are tangible beautiful people and their visible absence in physical reality has absolutely no effect on that fact. It turns the world upside down in the most wonderful way; suddenly the universe is twice as big and it's gorgeous, I can't help smiling, even if I'm dizzy from the sudden massive shift in depth!
So yes, long story short, I have a new energy-perception file and I am putting honestly sincere care, respect and attention into perceiving every single System member's personal aura. It demands compassion and trust and closeness from me, first of all, and also from those I'm tuning into. So some people are almost unidentifiable yet, some people only have half the channels open, and some people are instantly and powerfully cognizable. It's really forcing me to open my heart entirely, at the very least, as well as demanding that I not 'play favorites' as I used to, and acknowledge everyone's inherent, equal worth. Everyone in here is amazing, we all exist for an important reason, and we all deserve to have our worth honored. This is tangible proof of that.

Good Lord this is 16 pages in Microsoft Word. I'd better wrap things up.
Battery is dying again, so see you later.

 

 

 
I was created to be a destroyer figure. I was supposed to thrash the literal hell out of whatever malicious forces had the nerve to stick their ugly heads up here.
But now I'm not allowed to do anything. I can't remember the last time I did my job the way I'm supposed to. The heck is this? Did the game change that much?
Don't get me wrong, I'd LOVE to not have to chop things into bloody pieces anymore. Problem is, there's still a heck of a lot of things in this headspace that NEED to be introduced to my axe, and I'm being forbidden from sending out the invitations, you hear me?
I'm angry. I'm really bloody angry. We're in therapy and we're running in circles with the same freakin' things we've been hiding from since this disaster started. I want this hell to be DONE WITH.
Is leaving it all in the past to gather dust really the best option here? We're walking into the future with absolutely nothing behind us, because the kid refuses to take anything with him. Forget carry-on luggage, we don't even have a freakin' suitcase. Just the clothes on our backs. Is that enough?
Honestly, I hope so. I'm tired.
But I'm even more tired of the fact that we've done this before, and nothing was solved. It just compounded the problem. I'm bloody tired of running, and if someone would just LET me stand my ground for once, maybe something would get done around here.
I don't know. Just gotta let off some steam. It's been a while since I was able to talk, you know.

 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 @ 12:15 am

 

God help us, tonight has been difficult as hell.

To whatever kid showed up in the bathroom: I'm here for ya. Whoever the heck you are, you've got a friend in me, aiite? We'll find you a name.
To Algorith: you freakin' pretentious prick, wearing sunglasses indoors at 12 in the bloody morning. Still, thanks for getting us out of that tight situation. Talk to me, let's get this straightened out. I know you're just flying solo but I do not need any more rogues in this system.
To Jay: all you need to know is that you were untouched by this. Even I have to force that to be true. You're spotless.
To Infi: I am so sorry.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 12:26 am

 

Alrite, Algorith here. Updating because I have a solemn duty to do that.

I'm out in the body after whatever just went down that ended with the body lying on the bedroom floor like a zombie. I'm sure I could access the data but something tells me I dont wanna look at it.
Judging by the fact that I'm out Im gonna guess it was a hack. Not cool. Not like I can do anything about it now though,

I;ve changed, since the last time I was out. I can feel it. The retributors are all being made to change. Guess I was next in line.
Shoot I'm real upset now. Sorry about the typing problems, its awkward.

 

Oh come on, ze was wearing sunglasses indoors.
I swear, I am so fed up with this. Listen, this is Laurie. I had to punch through because this needs to be written down whether I like it or not.
There was a hack, Algorith was right. Infi was the one it went through, I guess, according to what data I got.
Bunch of blindly manic fronting after it went down, I'd assume. There was at attempted system reset of all godforsaken things, that I had to drag Jay out of, just barely grabbed him. I think he's regressed again, great, just what I need on top of all this. Then he slipped out and I was stuck with this nameless little kid who was too bloody tired to even walk, let alone anything else. Then whaddya know, the freakin' grandmother just HAD to walk in right then, and we had one hell of a meltdown. Geez. I'm really tired of dealing with this.
Marigold was triggered by this, that scared the wits out of me because she wasn't just panicking, she was convinced that not breathing would somehow keep the danger from "seeing her." So the poor kid is trying to hold her breath indefinitely, all while scared to death, so I had to literally reach in and yank her out of there.
Knife showed up to comfort her, wondering what the heck was going on that was setting off so many alarm bells, and then... then I don't bloody know.
There's vague data. There was SEVERE triggering right then, practically broke the fronting consciousness in half. Whoever the heck came out then, they were mute and shaking so badly I can't believe they were still standing. Whenever the heck they got out of there, they apparently zombie-walked into their room? That's the data description, I don't know. All I do know is that they promptly collapsed onto the floor like a rag doll because I tried to get in there and quickly get it to somewhere safe, but then Algorith took over and now we're in the kitchen, so there you go.

Just... God help us Why the heck does this keep happening. And why the heck does it keep targeting the System cores? The heck is going on?
I apologize for the profuse amount of minced oaths here but that's what happens when I'm ticked off, tired, and existentially exhausted. I don't burst into tears, I start spitting nails. Gotta keep my edge up, y'know?

Anyway I guess I should let Algorith back in here. Let them do their job, whatever. It is far too hard to front in this body, the dysphoria is a pain in the back. Its difficult to work a body that's not yours when every surreal second reminds you that hey, that's not my face, these aren't my hands, you get the picture.

Sorry for this bad news. It's been a bad night.
Wish I could say something uplifting, but I'm at a loss. I'm really at a loss right now.
G'night, for all it's worth.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 
@ 11:19 pm

 

quick fragmented update because today was really rough.


crazy fronting this evening
self abusive meltdown caused it I think.
no idea when or how that started, but then cannon came out
shocked that it wasn’t 2009
"I cant do this anymore," but scared of dying from an infection or allergy from the cuts
talking to angels or guides, "don't hurt me," but still trusting.
little yellow boy was out? only a little but his energy is getting clearer.
DAVID was out for a minute in the kitchen; he was stuttering and crying
JEREMIAH took over for him, and that was a shock because he fronted REALLY loudly; he was so genuine, wow. sobbing, hands in hair, upset because he knew these was abuse and figured it was from a hack he didn't buffer, "who had to feel that pain?"
went upstairs, data voices being really loud, he left?
fronters really messy for a while
some "new" person came out to talk to the mother, didn’t know who she was
walked into room, talked to data voices, kept asking how to find a name
jayce took over momentarily, got his fedora, is he STILL pinstripe?? if so we need to review his role!
then someone went in kitchen and sat down with the inpatient hospital papers
the "autistic kid" came out, rubbing table, didn’t talk. wonder who he is?
then sherlock took over, went to get his glasses (he has trouble seeing without them?) and started reviewing the inpatient hospitals. wrote a page! handwriting is all angles, almost greek
after him, one of the young girls wrote a page of 'what to buy,' after that no idea what happened

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, really quick, things that happened today.
(Jay and Jewel updating together as usual.)

- Absolutely insane therapy session. Laurie, Knife, and David were ALL trying to front. Sherlock did for a moment, Knife said "get him out." I (Jay) was there for a little bit, but mostly it was the "empty me" that we're thinking is a splinter?? (Remember Fragment?) David did a lot of talking, the therapist paid special attention to him, that made him really happy. Mulberry was around, she contributed to inner conversation, I think Jeremiah was hanging around too, silently. Knife DID front for like 20 seconds at the end (he couldn't stay because it involved casual speech and he has no clue how to do that yet), but he had been trying to get through for a great deal of the session beforehand. I mention that because at one point during that effort, the current fronter tried to push him out, but when they did I FELT him "reach out" and literally pull himself back into fronting, like holding onto land in a strong water current. That shocked me, even as an observer, because I haven't tangibly felt energy in headspace in a while, but wow that was clear.
Also very important, I noticed someone specific was fronting at one point that was NOT Sherlock or a social, they were watching us upstairs and giving a very accurate play-by-play without censoring or intellectualizing it? I tried to recognize their energy, and you know what, the closest match was THIS PERSON. I'm not saying it's the same voice, but the energy was close. It was that kind of hard yet respectable seriousness. So that was interesting. (I'm kind of curious about all these guys now, especially since we're seeking unity again; work with Knife and see if they want to manifest so we can work with them.)
As for therapy points (because I usually forget them by myself but Knife and Laurie paid attention this time)... we discussed how David was scared of "me," the way hacks bleed over into headspace even if I try to ignore them physically, the day Mulberry manifested (the car accident), the compartmentalization of reactions and emotions into people, David's strong fear reaction to the word "nurture" revealing that we learned to associate "motherly behavior" with "conscious malevolence" as a child, due to my mother's spiteful attitudes, and . I also have a personal memory of feeling "cut off" from headspace and not being able to hear people, until I said something stupid and Laurie literally "ran over" to me and started shouting "that is nonsense," calling everyone else over in her anger and refusing to let me continue in that train of thought. Actually she was calling us out on nonsense/ stupidity/ garbage/ etc. quite often during the appointment; I must have been slipping badly.
One VERY important thing I want to note is that, when Knife and Laurie were literally trying to shove through into fronting, and the current fronter was trying to "shove them back," it didn't manifest entirely as a headache. Yes, there was one, but most of the pain was focused in the heart center, which strikes me in hindsight as very significant. Hacks don't feel like that; heck, most fronting doesn't! But those two kept trying to talk, and they kept moving into that area, instead of just the head. I need to tell whoever the numb-fronter is, don't forbid those two from talking when they want to. I don't care if Laurie swears and is brutally honest, or if Knife is stiff and overly formal. I don't care how "socially jarring" they are. That is NO REASON for the AP and/or the buffer to try and shut them up. Same with David. He's a scared kid, and if he wants to cry or speak up for himself in the body, LET HIM.
After the session (which Jay was barely present for downstairs obviously), we all agreed that we need to do what Cameron West did in that book of his we all love... we need to take time every day, and practice fronting. All of us. We need to start slowly tearing down the walls that the AP and the socials have built out of misguided self-protection and fear, so that we can all live honestly and openly, together. It won't be easy, that's obvious. But we're trying.

- On that note we've all decided, in a bit of childlike simplicity, to start up that "blc bead" project we planned months ago: we were all going to find beads of our personal colors, and string them together onto a necklace or something, just to have a tangible reminder to hold on to at all times. Knife also said we could use that to indicate who is trying to front during therapy as well, if we can't talk or get through all the way. I think that's a good idea.

- Laurie drove for a bit on the way home, so did Zwei (they were joking with each other for a while about singing; Zwei said the difference was that she was supposed to sing when she was out, that was her top job) and Jewel, for a tiny bit. Laurie reiterated the importance of us "being able to live our own physical lives without losing our actual inner selves," something we all struggle with thanks to dysphoria and mistranslation and the like. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the fact that we exist, that we are alive, even if it's all in one body. So she drove for a bit, but then we needed to stop the library and Laurie laughed that she was "not going to go through that again," saying that people were "scared of her" because of the way her energy translated (it's sharp by nature). To that, Knife asked if he could try then? Laurie said sure, so she handed over the reins, and Knife went to the library. I'll say this-- he anchors shockingly well! Whereas Laurie has a lot of trouble anchoring her self-image onto the body, Knife does so effortlessly. When he fronts, you can feel his cape trailing, and his long hair, and his fangs. So he was able to hold that strongly right up until the service desk, when of course we had to talk, so boom: instant AP. Knife apologized again, because it's a common trouble to not know how to interact with humans but it's still frustrating. Laurie said that was fine, and complimented him on how well he had actually fronted regardless. So that was cool. I don't know who drove home, that whole thing is a blur, I can barely access data memories of it. It might have been a disconnected social. Either way I won't worry about it.

- Possibly the most important thing of today: we had The Dear Hunter's "The Color Spectrum" album on while driving home at the start (obviously), and surprisingly, Laurie skipped to Indigo instead of Violet, saying "why the hell not." But then she suddenly said that, if Leon could hear her, wherever he was and whatever condition he was in, then she wanted him to try and front, or at least manifest somehow. After declaring that she "backed out" a little bit, but projecting what she remembered of Leon's energy into the music, and after about 20 seconds she suddenly laughed, raised a hand to her forehead, and incredulously stated, "that's not my hair." Literally as soon as she said that she was "phased out" of fronting entirely, and I swear, LEON WAS THERE. Not completely of course-- the AP was still driving the body, but Leon was there as a sort of overlay, consciously, but faintly. I can clearly remember that the body was feeling not only his signature emo-bangs hairstyle, but also his anorexic thinness (that kind of worried me; he hasn't been that thin in a long time), and-- to my surprise-- his silver scales-of-justice necklace. I wasn't aware he still wore that, but there it was. He had his eyes closed (energetically), but he was tangibly reaching out to the music ("What Time Taught Us") and the lyrics... "be alive, cause nothing lasts for good, or like you thought it would"... focusing only on existing, even in that small sense. When the song ended he lost the link for good and couldn't stick around, but that was significant! It seems that most "dead" or de-manifested headvoices get their energy stuck in the raw realms, and if you give them enough of an anchor to hold on to in solidified headspace, they can "pull themselves out" of it. I think that's how Lynne came back to us (although I still don't know how she got so bruised and hurt; Laurie has had her all bandaged up for about two weeks now), and it's also how I got myself anchored back into headspace after the initial Scratch. The real trick is finding people in that miasma of white energy: the Central people might still have rudimentary forms, but when Javier was still in pre-existence, he was basically just a collection of energy that matched his "soul resonance" if you want to call it that. Totally non-corporeal, intangible, only observable if you could tune into his vibration. He unfortunately seems to have de-manifested completely after the reset, but I don't want that happening to the Central people we are still struggling to find again (Spine, Nathaniel, Emmett, Waldorf, and Leon: Jo keeps blinking in and out, and Lynne is manifested again). Laurie agrees with me that this needs to be a big effort from all of us.

- Genesis showed up when I went apple-picking, I literally just surrendered to the reality of his presence when he showed up, ignoring the instinct to doubt and ignore. As a result we had SO MUCH FUN, it was as if he had never left. As usual we ended up making a sort of game out of the situation, which Laurie admitted she was watching "and laughing to herself" after we accidentally spilled half a bag of apples on a slope, and Genesis jokingly said "the bugs are getting revenge for us taking the top pickings." The whole thing was so funny that we all ended up laughing by the end, I hope this stays an injoke (like the millet incident) because it was great (Silly notes: the yellow apples are "hard mode," God tier apples are sideways, demon bugs take points, bonus points if you don't disturb birds nests, apples on the ground are the "tutorial level" but Laurie said "that's only if you're a deer, and you're not a freaking deer so start picking those apples").
HOWEVER. As soon as Genesis showed up, I asked him where he had been, and he said, "in Parnassus," his native world. I said I hadn't seen him there, and to that he replied, "what timeframe are you looking in?" As I considered that, though, he said something even more incredible: he wasn't the only one staying there. Xenophon and Chaos were there with him, too. Gen said that Chaos was still having a hard time adjusting to the sudden and jarring switch in his life situation, but he was dealing. Xennie was doing better, thankfully. I keep getting weird vibes that she's changed, appearance-wise, possibly because of the huge energy shake-ups of the resets (she reacts to those). But I don't know, I haven't seen her in months. Anyway Gen said that he and Laurie both agreed that no other outspacers were allowed back into headspace before we had things settled out and stabilized; it was too dangerous otherwise.

- Genesis and I really wanted to try the apples (or, as we said, the "top pickings") when we got home, and Laurie good-naturedly said we could IF we asked Spice first. I agreed, and in an instant of intuition (that I haven't used in ages), I "sensed out" Spice's energy and then warped us all to her. She was in either a small manifested pocket of raw headspace, or somewhere in midspace-- it looked vaguely like the hallway in our physical house, but it felt floating, and on a low level (not quite underground, but still "under the ground," if you get the picture?). Either way she looked morose and hollow, and I felt bad, so I clearly explained that we wanted to try the apples, but ONLY if she was okay with it. She looked a little scared and said that would hurt, I said then we could just have the juice from them instead of eating them, as I know that caused her pain. I think around here Laurie spoke up, because I clearly remember her telling Spice that she was the protector of all of headspace and its inhabitants, including her (Spice). Spice said well, what if a fellow headvoice was hurting her (obviously referencing me)? Laurie smiled wryly and said that if I was "going to act like an asshole" and make such a stupid decision, then yes, she'd still protect Spice from me. No playing favorites, you know. Either way I was personally moved by this show of kindness from her, and reassured Spice that I was no threat to her; I just had problems with identity slips. Laurie reiterated that that's why she was backing me up. Anyway Genesis and I got the go-ahead, the apples were absolutely INCREDIBLE, and Spice didn't get sick. So everything worked out for the best.
Oh, also. Spice expressed a fear that we all have and tend to overlook... the sad but real fear that, since so many of us were born from trauma and/or pain, and our original roles were so strongly tied to that... would we still exist, would we still be real, if our roles changed so dramatically? If Spice was manifested specifically to buffer and combat the awful pain we would get from food, but she doesn't want to deal with so much pain anymore and neither do any of us, would she still be able to live if she "let go" of that initial anchor? Honestly all we can say is "yes, IF you find a new anchor." I still say that's why we lost so many people in the resets; our anchors just wore out. It's why so many of us keep slipping now (notably Sugar), and why those with new anchors (notably Knife) suddenly gained a massive increase in stability. To be blunt, Knife is still tied to his original retributive function, but he's moving out of it a bit more day by day. So we're going to help Spice do that, once she decides what she wants her new role to be. And it can be anything. Like Laurie said, we all deserve to live and be happy, and we all deserve to live. If we choose our new roles with that in mind, for the purpose of health and growth and unity, then we'll all be fine.

- Last thing I need to record; Infinitii said something to me when I got home, about the hacking problems we've been having? He hasn't been around much lately, and when he is, he either looks sick or he stays off to the side and doesn't talk or move. However, it struck me that when he was talking now, he was talking WITH HIS WINGS, which was a good sign: I've realized that, like me, Infinitii actually manifests "slippage" or hacks that can be detected if you watch, and the biggest one is his having both an eye and a mouth on his face (he should only have one or the other normally). Every single time he's had both, he's been under Tar influence. Anyway, I know he was responding to Laurie, because she had rebuked me for going into "numbness mode" and cutting myself off from everything, in order to survive hacks? I literally "detach from reality" and kind of shut down, not caring whether or not I get hurt, because to feel or be aware of the situation would be too horrifying. (As I mentioned earlier, that sounds a LOT like my old splinters, so I will look into that.) But Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men. Isn't that tragically ironic though? We both treasure life so much, that we're willing to sacrifice anything just to keep existing, even if it's an empty, battered existence. That's not right. I need to somehow work closely with him again, without putting either of us in danger... my head just sent me a spark, "the red will help." A balance, somehow. It's a thought.


That's all I can remember right now; I haven't eaten much today and that's messing with my concentration, so let me take a break and do that. I have a lot more work to do later, but since we have another session on Thursday I will put aside some time for headspace in between all of that.
See you!

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

@ 1:06 am

 

superquick update for the evening before i forget in the morning.

- had to drive bro to get printer ink, we quietly sobbed over not having pokemon x&y for a while haha. however we stopped at the local kmart to see if his friend was there, i stayed in the car, it was about 7:30 pm so it was dark and quiet out and with the day so far i was thinking of infi? wondered what it would be like if he were there, i'd like to spend time with him. so i called him in, he ghosted for a bit, i remember jokingly commenting that "if he were physically here i'd be snogging the hell out of him right now." he giggled at that, asked why i didn't do that anyway, i could go into a projection of the car in headspace and that would work. i paused, considering that, but then said that i didn't want to accidentally slip out of awareness? after all since pink energy was damaged, anything intimate or romantic or whatever is potentially a hack waiting to happen. (continue; we didnt do anything but it was beautiful just to have him around; insights on the oddly childlike "detachment" to our relationship that makes it perfect)

- WE ALMOST GOT HACKED BUT I OUTSMARTED HER. Julie kept trying to sneak into my head, but I held my ground and pointed out that her methods were shallow and useless, after doing this for about 20 minutes i think, she got angry and distraught to the point where she started screaming "i hate you" and refusing to even try to hack me anymore. surprised i asked why, what did i do? she said i was "taking all the enjoyment" out of her sexual addiction, since i tend to look at it from a super-logical asexual perspective of course. to me it's just distasteful and disgusting, and she hates when i don't let her overwhelm me with old doubts and fears to her benefit. anyway the MAJOR event of this was that, after telling me that I "ruined it (sexuality) for her," she immediately added that "it's what she turned back for"??? I asked her what in the world she meant, she realized she had let that slip without meaning to, then sighed loudly and spat out that SHE CONSCIOUSLY ABANDONED THE PINK SLOT IN ORDER TO GO BACK TO THE TAR. seriously. that is insane. she literally threw ALL her progress with us out the window, because she loved her addictions more. and she didn't care how the Tar used her, or anyone else, as long as she got to do whatever (and whoever) she wanted, whenever she wanted. but now that we were smarter and stronger, she was losing all her power over us, it was getting tougher by the day for her to hack any of us. and that's the only thing she gave up her second chance for, was the opportunity to go back to using us for her own desires. so yes, i was in shock hearing this, pretty heartbroken too. but julie said she flat-out didn't care. then she stormed off, but didn't leave entirely. she was still lingering around hoping for another opportunity. well she actually got one. but it again worked out in our favor.

- i will admit i was slipping at this point. i needed to restabilize and somehow clear my mind, unfortunately the hack attempt was pushing me into dangerous territory, so against my own better judgment, who did i run to? yes, infinitii. the one other person upstairs who can and does get hacked as severely as i do. and julie was in the room. so yeah, i was kind of scared, but i was determined to set the record straight somehow, and perhaps unwisely, to continue to show julie just how wrong she was. but... unwise or not, it was enlightening.
(julie kept trying to push us too far, as infi and i are both volatile energy that was scary (especially for infi, he gets knocked off center quick). but i kept pulling him back, and vice versa. the most notable bit was that, suddenly i noticed that although julie was honestly forcing herself on us energetically, i WASN'T getting trauma flashbacks or reactions? instead my body was reacting like it would to a connection; there was this tangible sort of ache in my heart center, almost a yearning sort of thing, hard to explain. like reaching out with it. so when that happened i told infi, seriously just let me hold you for a second, don't even do or say anything. and we'd get like that and the hack attempt would break and julie would start screaming but really, i wouldn't even be fazed, i was just happy in that way that's a moment away from heartbreak. so that repeated, with me realizing that julie really was not even able to reach us at one point, and when that happened i got enough lucidity to completely break everything off, infi too, and we got the hell out of there. what did we do next, well of course, we ran straight to laurie!

- needed to exercise so did 40m on the gazelle, but ended up going into headspace almost immediately, infi and laurie and i just hanging out in neutral headspace trying to get a grip. explained everything i just told you, then laurie said "julie needs to get out of that slot" officially, and asked me to warp us to the spectrum room.

(CONTINUE!! guardian voice, leon, new room, importance of unity, etc.)