the spectrum heart cathedral system

new therapist, second appointment

notes from paper immediately after session ended:

★PRINT STUFF! she needs basic refs!!
★ start bringing morpheus everywhere again and taking AUDIO NOTES on everything notable that day/ moment. we are losing so much info from work and from daily life because we're not recording it fast enough, and then dates+details get lost. that isn't good!


drawing= gave us markers. drew tree, house, person (no face!!)
realized we were drawing SYMBOLS. inherently empty.
THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T "JUST DRAW"; subject needs a context/life in it?
we cannot draw "a" person, or "a" house-- those are empty concepts! BUT we can draw a specific person or house, and the detail+effort jumps SIGNIFICANTLY as well because we are trying to portray a truth.
BUT that very fact includes heavy responsibility of proper representation. this can be overwhelming, often terrifying. why we don't like drawing people; it's like a photo legend, you're "capturing a bit of their soul" in that and you CAN'T LIE. therefore the thought of making a mistake in representing them isn't just a "visual error," it's a LIE in the same way the young wizards books tell it and that is HUGE.
is that true?
either way, we need a way to manage that better so we CAN draw again.

julie fronted, talked a little.
therapist let us then draw anything= we drew a shining heart, a pink lotus (julie drew), leaves/swirls, stars (lynne drew, having lots of fun)

talked about Spectrum. MOST CENTRALITES SPOKE UP.
javier= surprised us that he came out; spoke a bit about red? barely fronted though; he's not comfy with talking outside yet so i'm just aware he was there, not what he said. i can still feel lingering pain in him over the reset of dec 2013? and how that damaged red. HELP HIM HEAL.
lynne= all the orange talk. true to her description, she was very easy to talk to and very merry in her disposition; honestly of everyone upstairs she probably has the least trouble fronting on a dime and talking to TOTAL STRANGERS. most internal people don't even know how to front in social contexts, but lynne just comes right out smiling.
josephina= trying to correctly describe yellow; mentioned how it is tied to the "screaming" feeling (not anger, JUST screaming, like a blind hell sound) and anxiety, BUT that it shouldn't be "defined" by that heavy negativity? said he was trying to emphasize the goodness of yellow-- sunlight, flowers, things like that. but said it was still a difficult process.
nathaniel= describing green as a sort of "neutral" color in the system? notably, "not gray neutral;" said green was HORIZONTAL and gray was VERTICAL? in terms of their balancing feeling. green was like an expanse of grass; a safe and comforting and calm "baseline" for everything to rest upon/within? like that's green, that very feeling of "safe rest."
leon= describing the vibe of the indigo realm, trying to put into similar words the feeling of that color in and of itself-- mentioned the fog and snow and quiet, and the dusky color, but said it was NOT negative or depressing or oppressive? said it was that sort of "before night" feeling, there's a life to it, even in that silence; indigo is about COMPREHENSION in the "inner sight" way? hard to verbalize. it's understanding something, not a "lightbulb moment" but more of a "getting the truth" in a more solid, permanent click. settling in. but the indigo vibe itself is all about being tuned into that discernment and openness of mind and such. also mentioned "indigo is SCALES" and touched his necklace. still not sure how that applies exactly?
laurie= out for a short time; she has trouble just "chatting" and wasn't quite sure how to express herself so quickly. i know she was trying to describe the feeling of violet but it's so powerful, both in its nature and in what it means to her, she couldn't find the words. i remember mentions of it being "like a soldier" but with devotion/ dedication/ protection, how it was that sense of "giving your life for something" out of that same ardor and compassion? but violet is also independent in that it "evangelizes" or something??? in how violets will actively go out and help/ teach/ guide others without making themselves a teacher in the school-like sense; they're more like "voices in the desert?" i remember that concept being totally under-described, we don't have the ready vocabulary for it yet. but it's very important.
julie= besides her drawing, i don't recall what she said? i know she was describing pink as being feminine and soft and pure and caring, but besides that general known info i don't know what else was disclosed.
eros= made it very clear that cerise was "lustless sensuality" and that this was DEEPLY IMPORTANT to us, not just as a system/ as individuals inside, but also in how we interacted with the ENTIRE OUTSIDE WORLD. we do need to talk about this more, it's so important
sherlock= no idea? he mentioned it was data and knowledge, and i think he revisited nathaniel's "balance" bit, but he didn't front for long.
waldorf tried to talk but couldn't, kyanos peeked in and maybe said a few words?
spine, infinitii, and jay DID NOT FRONT OR TALK.

we found it interesting that the colors we couldn't make with markers-- lime and aqua-- were the two colors that STILL had no Centralites assigned to them, and which still felt unstable.
PLEASE GO INSIDE AND FIGURE THIS OUT ASAP.

wattson talked mainly this session?

"definitive person" concept for colors? i.e. "if a person perfectly embodied the attributes of this color, what would they be like?" lynne described orange!
orange is warmth and ebullience and "the kind of person who lights up a room" and "could befriend everyone in a room full of strangers" etc. like our dad, but with an extra "gregarious" (key word!) warmth.
interesting because orange isn't social for the sake of being social?? like oranges are perfectly fine being alone? they're just always a hearth. kind to animals and children, take care of houses, always smiling. "big guy" build vibe, like a gentle giant without the shyness. we NEED to type about this stuff more in depth, it's fascinating

BLACK is "safe" motherly because it is "SPACE"/ a concept field, NOT A PERSON!!!
pink is NOT motherly, it's virginal?? too clear/pure.
(white= "true masculinity?" NO ADULTS concept)

talked briefly about system levels, socials + context locks, faceless/nameless phenomenon, socials having no sense of self, SELF ONLY EXISTING IN A VACUUM???

going home= abusive; "it's an abusive place SO we abuse ourself there"
HOLDING PATTERN (inescapable social mode??)
we have NO addictions away from home? if we're on the road all day we don't even THINK about harming ourself, EVER. but automatically when we walk in the door, that automated addiction starts IMMEDIATELY.
WE NEED TO REDEFINE THE CONTEXT OF THE HOUSE.

tied to symbol-drawing of house: therapist asked what it'd be like to live there, we said "you couldn't;" it was just a depiction. BUT, if you could, it would feel like a very anxious 'interim.' like you weren't supposed to live there. it was just a "standby place," someplace unfit for "living in." thought that was interesting.

talked about razor, the jewels, sylvain in brief.

COLORS!!!!❤



questions to ask ourself in the aftermath of mistakes/ missteps/ bad situations:

1. what did you do right?
2. what could you have improved?
3. what were you aware of?
4. what would you do differently?
5. what would you do the same?

 

 

 

december 15th


the biggest message of today=
there are purer forms of love.


jessica out almost all day today.
she feels close to the "proud jewel" but has NO consciousness of headspace at ALL.

she spends all her time eating and having sex. and she doesn't feel guilty about it. instead, she actually enjoys it. the problem? she doesn't exist outside of those contexts.
she doesn't purge up the food she binges on with "pleasure." she doesn't deal with the horrible aftermath of her liaisons, the physical pain and shame and fear, the spiritual and emotional anguish and confusion and hopelessness.

julie took the third attempt and WHY didn't lynne stop her,
she says it was for the same reason that laurie won't kill the lost hackers,
"because she had good/pure intentions." "what was I supposed to do? I couldn't hurt her."

but you could have stopped her.
…
"I saw no reason to, at the moment. I just… thought she was doing something that she needed to do, for some reason."
why does no one ever question that shit
"because we're TRYING to heal it."
but healing does NOT mean normalizing behavior that is WRONG for us.
"…I know, kid. …I'm sorry. I've been fighting this too bloody long and I'm tired."



jessica is a dead-end typical taurus, obsessed with "creature comforts" and giving casual lip service to religion with that same content "if it feels good it's fine" mindset. once it turns to blood and brimstone she laughs it off. we don't.
that's what scares her about us. she's not evil. she GENUINELY means well, she's trying to enjoy life, even her sexual escapades are done with no ill will.
but there's no true good will either. she claims she's doing it for "religious purposes" BUT!! the instant you bring ACTUAL religion in-- as opposed to her fluffy belief system that "there's really no such thing as evil! "-- she leaves. she gets ACUTELY UNCOMFORTABLE and she leaves.

julie is the one that spoke up, to laurie.
"I don't want to become that person again." "it's a slippery slope and I don't want to set foot on it even once." etc.
laurie asked her if the sexual stuff meant anything, if she "got anything" from it to make it worthwhile or even beneficial, or if it was literally just a waste of time.
and julie thought about it and said that it was empty. it was literally just a few seconds to a few minutes of "nerve stimulation" and she said that it felt more like a chore or "something you had to accomplish" in an obligatory sense (there's that word), that even when she tried to put love in it, the very presence of love made her stop.
sex hurts. it burns all autumn colors and it's terrifying, like an electrical fire scraping its needle teeth against our abdomen. we despise it. but jessica doesn't feel that, I suppose.
what does she even get from this? anything?

I don’t know. I'm too tired to even care, almost. I'm so tired.
I think this is why I feel so heartbreakingly close to sans right now, in terms of empathy. laurie is acting way, way, way too much like him lately too.
we're all exhausted. we're all running low on hope anymore, we're all so burnt out from seeing countless timelines reset, from feeling like none of our efforts can really change the outcome of what we're dealing with, the inevitable presence of someone with far too much power, that they can use for good or ill…
the most dangerous uses are the most careless ones. the neutral, flippant, casual-happy ones. the "this is just a fun game" ones. the ones who are smiling and mean it but who don't give a shit for how the people around them pay for their actions because "but I did nothing wrong!" etc.
I cant even talk about this. I'm too tired. I've said this a thousand times before.


we know the answer, and it is OUR answer, and we're 100% happy with our victory over that war here,
but there are alters in this system who plugged their ears and hummed away while we were getting shot on the front lines, not wanting to face the fact that their very ignorance was contributing to it.
they don't see a problem, they can't acknowledge the war, they insist everything is totally fine and okay and happy and healthy!! because to them it IS.
meanwhile we're bleeding and sobbing and is something wrong with US?
is something wrong with us, that we're in pain and angry and scared, and she is so perfectly content and happy with life? even when she's sinning? do they even count as sins if they're done with "good intentions?"

it's the path to hell, it's the path to hell.
motivation doesn't change the objective reality of an action.
rape is rape. I don't care if you love them. I don't care if you were gentle and you "enjoyed it" and you left happy and smiling and glad.
you still fcking raped someone, even if they were mirroring a flat smile back to you in return.
damn you bastards. god damn you.

"I did it to myself, no one else was affected by it!" "this is a good thing" etc etc NO IT'S NOT
DID YOU FORGET YOU ARE SHARING A BODY??
OH YEAH, YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN WHEN WE TELL YOU THAT.
you still think it's all yours but WE LIVE IN IT
we live in it and I don’t like you, I don’t like those girls.
they make me cut the body open over and over but they don’t get cut, it's not fair. I want to stop. I want to stop hurting. they don’t care about me. they don’t care about ANY of us. WHY DOESN’T LAURIE STOP THEM

God help me I don’t know what the hell to do, I'm so bloody empty already, I'm too bloody tired to fight back anymore when these devil women are smiling at me when I pick up my axe. confound it all. they do terrible things to the body and when I confront them they just smile and say they're totally happy, and they are and it confuses the hell out of me because like jay said, or whoever the heck that was, are we the ones in the wrong here? are we the ones screwing up in life, because we "can't let go of the pain" or whatever the heck that is? but they did, which is why they don't have a bloody moral code anymore and can do whatever the heck they want without repercussions or guilt or any of that painful stuff? but we do?
…god help us. I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry Razor, I am so bloody sorry.
kill me already. please. just kill me if I cant do my job.

I cant.

then you know how I feel. I screwed up big time, I committed an unforgivable sin, letting these chicks get away with what they're doing--


11:11.

god what the blood. what do-- what do I do?


keep fighting.
stand up for your rights.
stand up for what is right.
stop them.




I don’t know how to stop them.
I want to die.
I want to die and I want to take them with me and I want them to die so that the next time we come back or whatever they don't come with us.


I want to be pure again. I want to be a priest, I want to be a saint, I want to be a holy man.
I want to be good and pure and chaste and holy and honest and righteous and honorable, but these girls don’t care about any of that and insist they're STILL "fine" because "I'm not trying to hurt anyone" or whatever.
it's awful. it's disrespectful, it's disrespectful to our souls, isn't that sin enough for you????

and they won't answer me because they don't want to admit that we have souls and that we EXIST because then it would mean being honest with themselves.
yeah, living the high life of luxury is "fine" if you're all alone and isolated from the ripple effect of the world, isn't it. you like to think you're the only real person in existence.
well guess what. you're not alone. one day you're going to mess up big time and you won't be able to exist anymore and god I hope that happens soon.
but in the meantime, you're still hurting us with your blissful ignorance and even though we're all terrifically confused and distraught over having to call such a smiling peaceful happy person "malevolent,"
god what do we do?
it feels wrong, she's not evil, but she's doing things that aren't wise, OR kind,
what do you call that?

what do we do?





"logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."



- crosses of light on foreheads. "you need to be able to take/receive blessings. if you can't, something's wrong."
manifesting such a mark immediately centers oneself into a solid, righteous, light-oriented state. these states are astoundingly similar to our ”ascended forms" that we were imagining way back in 2012 or whenever. we almost forgot about them and then boom, this happened.

- "jemma" seems to be the kid who keeps wanting to eat oats (specifically in front of the christmas tree). the vibe is almost exact. the only difference is age-- jemma feels about 2 years older than the one eating, but otherwise there is virtually no difference between them? it might just be a mistranslation to the social level; that is common.

 HEADVOICES ARE MADE TO FUNCTION INTROSPECTIVELY/ INTERNALLY/ PRIVATELY.
THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT EXTERNALIZE OUR FOCUS WITHOUT SWITCHING TO A SOCIAL OR BLANKING/BLACKING OUT.

in order for us to PROPERLY FUNCTION, our entire conscious awareness needs to be directed inside. we CAN do this, but the huge catch is that it requires not interacting with anyone outside.






- jennifer slowly getting an internal anchor??? probably due to suddenly being paid attention to as an existence. color is baby pink so far

- leon and nat were fronting during choir today. nat actually sang and his voice resonated with the body's for a bit and it felt incredible.
he's been fronting in general more often than ever because he's Green, that's compassion. he comes out when people are scared of the brother to just hold compassion instead. it helps IMMENSELY.
- also the LOVE between them. absolutely heart-head vibes, felt so clear. we tried to send it to the lost kids so they knew what REAL love was

- our angelorei buddy (jubilatio?) is fronting frequently again which is GREAT because he's so joyous and nice.





-something we've suddenly realized:
THERE ARE TWO JESSICAS AND THEY ARE AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER

THE "HACKER"  JESSICA IS BROWN AND A FKING BASTARD WHORE
SHE ONLY CARES ABOUT SEX AND FOOD AND SHE IS A "QUIET MANIC" MEANING SHE NEVER EVER RESTS OR IS PEACEFUL BUT SHE ISN'T MANIACAL EITHER. SHE ENDLESSLY PURSUES """PLEASURES"""""

THE OTHER JESSICA IS INDIGO AND SHOWS UP IN THE WAKE OF HACKS SOBBING "I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE, I WANT TO DIE"
SHE IS THE HORRIFICALLY DEPRESSED ONE WE USED TO TALK TO IN 2008.


(ended abruptly)