oct 24 2015
Oct. 24th, 2015 11:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
prismaticbleed1024
- Woke up this morning so depressed I didn’t want to get out of bed. Even worse, I woke up to SCREAMING in the kitchen for about two hours. It got so bad at one point I almost started to panic because I thought my grandfather was going to get a heart attack from how he was shouting at my mother to stop and she kept ignoring him and screaming back at him, nonstop, over and over. I wanted to vomit.
- At some point during this my grandmother walks into the room with a terrifically battered cardboard box, smothered in tape, and says “this is for you.” Immediately, the inner vibe of the room hit the roof. This is why.
I told you she wanted to come back.
Chaos 0 said he didn’t mind sharing the bed with her too so we all snuggled in under the blankets and just tried to relax and cope with the family situation. It helped, to at least have such a strong feeling of affection and belonging there, if nowhere else at the moment.
- Sat on the other side of the church today due to reserved seating, immediately started to get context “flashbacks” to Christmas and the childhood??? Why was this? Anyway it was really nice, everything felt gold. “Jophael” fronted for a bit again as a result, Nienna came out to sing too. “Jay” (the broader sense of the name? ALL the White people right now go by that name) was also being “pushed out,” but the overlay was VERY angelic, notably no hair, just all wings sloping back. I know Jay Iridos has been “feeling funny” about hair lately (no style seems to fit, too many person-locked old ones) so that was interesting as it fit. Also no mouth? If there was one it would have been vertical?? And glowy eyes, not so much ‘crying’ as ‘leaking’ glowy white-gold energy. Interesting stuff anyway.
- Binge-eater voice out again after church. Upsetting because that’s evidently a coping mechanism to fight the profound crushing depression/ loneliness/ rejection the socials feel. Also whoever this certain E.D. alter is, she’s not hateful and she really does want to enjoy what she’s eating, but it STILL makes the body sick and vomiting after, which makes her VERY distraught and THAT’S why she keeps trying—she’s just trying to be a normal kid, eating something she enjoys that makes her feel comfortable (childhood memory comfort I think. Seeking that feeling of acceptance), and the result is pain and nausea and throwing up? “This shouldn’t be happening,” she thinks, and she wants to FIX IT.
- Julie fronting while exercising. I didn’t realize how solid and comfortable her overlay is in the body. It’s surprising, really nice even. She was thinking about what it would be like to LIVE as herself, struck me as notable that one of her first thoughts was “where would I buy a costume bra” because “the body is male” and then I realized hey wait a minute. It’s technically not as we’re transgender, but the fact that it REGISTERS as such with at least the Centralites is a VERY GOOD THING.
- Woke up this morning so depressed I didn’t want to get out of bed. Even worse, I woke up to SCREAMING in the kitchen for about two hours. It got so bad at one point I almost started to panic because I thought my grandfather was going to get a heart attack from how he was shouting at my mother to stop and she kept ignoring him and screaming back at him, nonstop, over and over. I wanted to vomit.
- At some point during this my grandmother walks into the room with a terrifically battered cardboard box, smothered in tape, and says “this is for you.” Immediately, the inner vibe of the room hit the roof. This is why.
I told you she wanted to come back.
Chaos 0 said he didn’t mind sharing the bed with her too so we all snuggled in under the blankets and just tried to relax and cope with the family situation. It helped, to at least have such a strong feeling of affection and belonging there, if nowhere else at the moment.
- Sat on the other side of the church today due to reserved seating, immediately started to get context “flashbacks” to Christmas and the childhood??? Why was this? Anyway it was really nice, everything felt gold. “Jophael” fronted for a bit again as a result, Nienna came out to sing too. “Jay” (the broader sense of the name? ALL the White people right now go by that name) was also being “pushed out,” but the overlay was VERY angelic, notably no hair, just all wings sloping back. I know Jay Iridos has been “feeling funny” about hair lately (no style seems to fit, too many person-locked old ones) so that was interesting as it fit. Also no mouth? If there was one it would have been vertical?? And glowy eyes, not so much ‘crying’ as ‘leaking’ glowy white-gold energy. Interesting stuff anyway.
- Binge-eater voice out again after church. Upsetting because that’s evidently a coping mechanism to fight the profound crushing depression/ loneliness/ rejection the socials feel. Also whoever this certain E.D. alter is, she’s not hateful and she really does want to enjoy what she’s eating, but it STILL makes the body sick and vomiting after, which makes her VERY distraught and THAT’S why she keeps trying—she’s just trying to be a normal kid, eating something she enjoys that makes her feel comfortable (childhood memory comfort I think. Seeking that feeling of acceptance), and the result is pain and nausea and throwing up? “This shouldn’t be happening,” she thinks, and she wants to FIX IT.
- Julie fronting while exercising. I didn’t realize how solid and comfortable her overlay is in the body. It’s surprising, really nice even. She was thinking about what it would be like to LIVE as herself, struck me as notable that one of her first thoughts was “where would I buy a costume bra” because “the body is male” and then I realized hey wait a minute. It’s technically not as we’re transgender, but the fact that it REGISTERS as such with at least the Centralites is a VERY GOOD THING.
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