110823

Nov. 8th, 2023 09:41 pm
prismaticbleed: (angel)
 

ONE YEAR CLEAR BUDDY!! ONE YEAR FREE OF UPMC & THE E.D. except for June but honestly it's been THE FIRST YEAR LEGITIMATELY FREE OF BOTH ABUSE AND ADDICTION SINCE WE WERE THIRTEEN. THAT IS ASTRONOMICAL.

Adoration Mass & Holy Hour!
Stayed overtime
UP CLOSE & PERSONAL. CHANGED MY ENTIRE LIFE

Decided that we ARE going to Adult Religious Education tonight because it's about BAPTISM and we are VERY UNEDUCATED concerning that essential Sacrament. Plus we want to be reliable and trustworthy, darn it, we don't want to be the "maybe" attendee we want to be someone who can be counted on to SHOW UP and KEEP THEIR WORD. And that requires sacrifices.
HENCE AN 1130 BK TODAY FOR ONCE

Evening =

ARE MEETING
PETRO TALK

Between Mallett & the Catechism= Chaos 0 weeping "I don't want this to be my name anymore"
TO MIMIC "YOU'RE COMING WITH ME" essentially
And to ME, "THAT'S YOUR JOB"

Night car switch
Just barely got to bed at 10pm haha

------‐---------------------------------------------------------------------------

VOTD= 1 John 4:7.
Originally I wasn't going to comment on it as it felt so "obvious," but actually, that's a RED FLAG for NOT ACTUALLY LISTENING-- because it means I'm taking Truth for granted, assuming I already "get it," when I DON'T and CAN'T-- not only because I'm being ignorantly proud, but also because Scripture is FATHOMLESS and there will ALWAYS be INFINITELY MORE TO LEARN.
So let's take it bit by bit.

1) "John is already practicing what he's preaching" by immediately calling the readers "BELOVED"-- "modeling the love God desires us to have toward each other", which is the very heart of the Gospel, AND the very HEART OF CHRIST. The love God desires us to have for each other is the ONLY Love there IS-- it's His OWN LOVE for us!!! And that HITS. By prefacing everything with that term, John is telling us HOW GOD LOVES US. We are beloved to Him. That's ASTOUNDING. And It is only by knowing that truth that we CAN love each other, AS individual beloveds of God, and that awareness makes it second nature to consider each person OUR beloved as well.
THEN the guy in the video basically asks, "When was the last time YOU called your friends 'beloved'?" And Laurie just LOOKS at me: "well, you SHOULD."

2) The LINK BETWEEN being "born of God" and "knowing God," and the fact that they BOTH ARE ONLY POSSIBLE AND PROVEN BY OUR ABILITY TO LOVE!!! "Whoever loves, IS."

3) "If we truly are children of God, then we cannot hide the characteristics of our Father; it's in our very DNA. Showing love to one another [therefore] reveals both who we are and WHOSE we are." Simply yet amazingly = God is Love, and God is our Father, therefore the PROOF of our status AS His Children IS OUR LOVE.
...


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guided prayer=
"Jesus, thank You for loving Your people— for teaching us how to live a God-honoring life, and sacrificing Yourself so we could live eternally with You."
Jesus's Love is expressed IN and BY His teaching us-- specifically,  in "how to live in a way that honors God." The ONLY way TO do so IS TO LOVE. And the only way TO teach Love is to BE LOVE. Even IN His words, Jesus spoke of Love in PRACTICAL WAYS, not as flowery ideals or comforting theories. No, Jesus told us HOW to Love, in both parables and exhortations... but honestly, the way He taught us how to Love most clearly and powerfully was THE CROSS. That was and IS STILL His ultimate teaching, the sum of the Gospel message, the very crystallization of the Love He both revealed and required.
...

"Even though it can be challenging, I want to love those around me because You love me. Each day, remind me of Your love for me and encourage me to love those who may be hard to love."

The only thing that makes ANYONE "hard to love" is our pride.
When we look at anyone through the Wounds of Christ, we cannot help but love them.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what, let me list some VOTD translations.

1) The opening words are either "dear friends" or "beloved." Both communicate the essential dual truth: these Christians are BOTH "John's dear friends" and "dear friends of God"; and they ARE such because they are "beloved OF God," making them "beloved to John" in consequent familial affection.
2) The second bit is in direct response to this intro. "Let us love one another." "We should love; we must love"... "let's go on loving one another," by "unselfishly seeking the best for one another." It is both an entreaty and an encouragement. "SINCE we are beloved to God, SINCE we are dear friends IN God, we MUST continue to love one another." He does not speak into a vacuum, or from a dearth. He greets them AS ALREADY LOVED before appealing for love-- which actually implies the subtle truth that to BE loved IS the very foundation FOR loving in return--
3) "...BECAUSE love comes FROM God." This is the REASON WHY we "must love each other"; because "it is God Who makes us able TO love other people." So when we love, we "let HIS Love continually pour from [our hearts] to one another." We become channels and conduits of Love; we are never the Cause. But notice, the undercurrent is that we are to Love FOR GOD'S OWN SAKE. We are to love because God IS Love, and He alone must be our truest and deepest purpose, goal, and motive.
4) "Everyone who loves has been BORN OF GOD."
5)
...

"God, the world needs to know how great You are! You created us, You love us, and You make us whole. Please guide my words and actions so every choice I make points others to Your perfect love."

The very idea of that is so amazing, so hopeful and beautiful-- that EVERY choice I make, every day, no matter how seemingly inconsequential, CAN point towards God's Perfect Love.
...

------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reading the Catechism on Baptism for A.R.E. tonight.

"Baptism, the original and full sign of which is immersion, efficaciously signifies the descent into the tomb by the Christian who dies to sin with Christ in order to live a new life."

I immediately looked up the etymology of "immersion", and this is the core of it=
"A noun of action from... immergere "to plunge in, dip into, sink, submerge," from... in- "into, in, on, upon" + Latin mergere "plunge, dip" (see merge)."
YOU ALL KNOW HOW SIGNIFICANT THAT WORD IS TO US.
And ITS etymology is THIS=
""to plunge or sink in" (to something)... from Latin mergere "to dip, dip in, immerse, plunge," probably... from PIE *mezgo- "to dip, to sink, to wash, to plunge"... "to sink, dive under.""
And that recurring word "plunge" actually ties it all together =
"to put, throw, or thrust violently into; immerse, submerge... dive in... from Vulgar Latin *plumbicare "to heave the lead," from Latin plumbum "lead". Original notion perhaps is of a sounding lead or a fishing net weighted with lead."
I love the etymology additions of "plumb" too=
"a mass of lead hung on a string to show the vertical line"... "perpendicular, vertical, true according to a plumb-line"...
And "sound" has this =
"fathom, probe, measure the depth of water" with or as if with a sounding line and lead, mid-14c. (implied in sounding), from Old French sonder, from sonde "sounding line," perhaps from the same Germanic source that yielded Old English sund "water, sea".

ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HARMONIZES.

------‐-------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

122717

Dec. 27th, 2017 09:48 pm
prismaticbleed: (soniccity)

1227. Wednesday.

Four years ago today.

 


...We posted this entry the minute we noticed it was 21:48, the exact minute when this was posted, back in 2013.

None of us thought we'd survive that night. We all thought we were done for.
But, love can't be killed. We were proof of that then, and we are even stronger proof of it now.

Four years later, we are more alive than we've ever been.
Four years later, we are alive, and we are in love.

Here's to another year of us.


(and thank you, Javier. If it weren't for you, we'd all be lost. Remember that. You are a blessing.)

 


-----------------

later=
headspace stuff with Javier and altairre
Why so guilty/ scared/ aching abt today?
"They all died and I lived" SURVIVOR GUILT
hacks, etc.?
But brought back, saved who he could, WILLPOWER
he WANTED to save them and DID. vital.
This should be a day to defiantly celebrate LIFE somehow escaping jaws of death.


prismaticbleed: (Default)


DATES THAT PEOPLE FIRST EVIDENCED ON

 

1995-1999

JULIE= unknown date, approximately 1997

JEZEBEL= 1997, unknown date

 

2000

JEWEL LIGHTRAYE= spring 2000

 

2001

CEL= March 2001

 

2003

RYMAN= January 2003? or late 2002

WALDORF= March 3rd 2003

MARKUS= May 2003?

HOSEKI= May 21st 2003?

CHAOS= December 2003?

 

2004

"THIRD JEWEL"= March 2004?

 

2005

GENESIS= July 4th 2005 (Leo)

 

2006

SPINNINGCANNON?

JENNIFER= August 2006?

LAURIE= September 4th 2006

 

2007

NATHANIEL= unknown date 2007

JEMMA= unknown date 2007

 

2008 (first major headspace year)

LYNNE= February 8th 2008?

CANNON= May 15th 2008??

RAZOR= October 19th? 2008

 

2009

SECOND "CEL"

SPINZOR= August 2009?

GLISSANDO= September 2009

 

2010

LEON= April 18th 2010

THE BEAR= June 2nd 2010

SPINE= July 26th 2010

PINSTRIPE= August 5th 2010

JOSEPHINA= August 13th 2010

 

2011

XENOPHON= March 13th 2011

EROS= December 9th 2011

 

2012

AIRPORT= August 15th 2012

EMMETT= October 25th? 2012

 

2013 (the year the Underground opened up)

KYANOS= February 26th 2013

INFINITII= April 3rd 2013

GENT= April 19 2013?

MAVERICK= April 19 2013?

QUEEN=April 19 2013?

DAVID= April 23 2013

MARIGOLD= April 23 2013

MULBERRY= May 1st 2013

MINTY= May 30th 2013

CHRISTINA MARIE= June 2013?

JEREMIAH= June 6th 2013

KNIFE= June 12th 2013

OVERLOAD= June 12th 2013

HYAKINTH= June 14th 2013

JAVIER= July 1st 2013

ZWEI= July 15th 2013?

EINSATZ= July 15th 2013

SUGAR= July 22nd 2013

SERGEI= July 23rd 2013

DREAD= July 25th 2013

ALGORITH= July 31st 2013

SPICE= September 18th 2013

JAY= October 21st 2013?

AIMEE= October 29th 2013

AMARA= October 29th 2013

KALISHA= November 17th 2013

ISADORA= November 17th 2013

GARRISON= November 17th 2013

DREAD= December 10th 2013?

SHERLOCK= found his name in 2013

THE SCIENTIST

SHARONA

ANNA

HATCHET?

 

2014

KARISSA= January 25th 2014

THE DESTROYER= January 25 2014

ASHEN= January 25th 2014

NIENNA= March 2014?

TOBIKO= March 2nd 2014

WRECKAGE= March 4th 2014

JABBERWOCK= May 29th 2014

CHOCOLOCO= September 12th 2014

TIGERLILY= December 27th 2014???

 

2015

so far this year it's just been re-finding older people.

 

"BAT EARS"=

MOXIE=

 

2016

(hard reset)

 

2017

HARMONIA= May??

ISCAH=

SPIKE=

KITTY=

CRIER=

CAKE=

AXIS=




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

AUGUST 2013 WAS THE "DEAD MONTH"

julie/ sergei/ infinitii infant genocide shutdown.

jewel and the ap fronted for almost that entire month; NO MEMORY

 

august 6th, rescue with infi, glasses, chthonic magma zone.

august 28th was ecclesioumon

 

by september 1st, the underground was HUGELY PREVALENT, actually becoming in control of the entire system temporarily.

this was when knife ran the show, started trying to organize everyone in all the other levels.

very very very important for long term growth actually, thank him

 

however the first two weeks of december were fronted by someone who kept actively trying to deny headspace.

"the past isn't relevant" and "I want to abandon all this at once" were the main mindsets.

 

september 11th was the punchcard dream

september 12th, "j" said that headspace was not gone, BUT that "most of us were dead or gone". we also got our diagnosis.

ALSO said "I no longer have a solid identity so it's near impossible for me to enter headspace"

 

SPICE'S AUDIO RECORDINGS WERE ON SEPTEMBER 18TH.

at that time, no one knew who the core was, most of us were still dead.

 

SEPTEMBER 21ST WAS WHEN I SAVED INFI FROM THE TAR SPIDER.

I DO NOT directly remember it though, just very blurry awareness that I was there.

thus started the madeleine l'engle period!

 

sept 23rd was woodsmoke, sept 24th was knife in the mall. that was also the proginoskes time period. NO PERSONAL MEMORY.

sept 25 was a JULIE HACK, retributors smudging the entire room.

sept 28th was INFI AND LAURIE in lou's house.

 

OCTOBER 2ND: "THE CURRENT J DOESN'T KNOW CHAOS. NONE OF US DO"

OCTOBER 4TH: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO JAY; I THINK HE'S LONG GONE"

october 5th was the caliborn baby dream. I remember that?

october 7th was the desk cellar fear?

 

october 8th was mesita's album, AND sergei and hyakin calling me to diamew! FIRST TOTALLY CONCRETE MEMORY DAY!!

also important, I remember the ENDING of "many waters," standing by the stove, BUT NOT THE PREVIOUS TWO BOOKS!!

 

october 21st was the apples AND the yogurt shop.

I WAS DEFINITELY, TOTALLY ALIVE BY THIS POINT.

 

BIRTHDAYS SHOULD BE ON SIGNIFICANT DATES, NOT ARBITRARY ONES. FIND YOURS.



------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Spine Hypomone= "steadfast endurance"

Javier Anastasi = "resurrection"

Algorith=

Lynne Stabelle= "stability"

Josephina Bellameire= "beautiful/ one who shines"

Cel???

Nathaniel Victoire= "victory, conqueror"

???=

Harmonia=

Chaos Zefirum= "zero"

Waldorf Kalliope= "muse of epic poetry"

Leon Kiasi= "fear of death"

Laurie Uberich= "above self/ ultimate self"

Julie Enantios= "opposite"

Eros=

Jay Iridos= "iridescent/ two"

Infinitii Eternos= "eternity"

Sherlock Episteme= "to know"

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jewel= May 7th 1990 (Taurus)

***2009 WAS NOT ME!!! (as far as Gens go, that was Gamboge)

JAYCE: 02-22-10 WAS WHEN I FIRST STARTED USING MALE PRONOUNS.

April 4th 2010= art of my Gen (ON 08-3-2009, I WAS ALREADY A WHITE GEN???)

STILL NAMED "JEWEL" IN MAY 2010 THOUGH.

July 2nd 2010= "seventy four" // july 10th= razia

BY AUGUST I WAS USING INFLUTUSA (AUG. 5 NAME LOCKED IN)

REDLIGHT: December 9th, 2011 (Sagittarius)

EROS: January 4th 2012 (Capricorn)

 

memory picks up around SEPT-OCT 2013??

RESET ATTEMPT? December 5th 2013 (Sagittarius)

 

Infinitii= April 3rd 2013 (Aries)

DIED/KILLED on following dates:
May 28th (kidnapped, brought underground)

August 1st? ('parasite' threat)

 

Javier= July 1 2013 (still manifesting) (Cancer)

July 28th 2013 (named) (Leo)

December 27th 2013 (resurrected) (Capricorn)

 

Spine= November 26th 2008 (Sagittarius)

FOUND around July 26th 2010 (Leo)

STABILIZED on January 16th, 2011 (Capricorn)

 

Lynne = February 9th 2008? (Aquarius)

First mentioned on February 26th 2008.

THE CONCERT WAS ON APRIL 20TH 2008 (3PM)

"Died" temporarily on April 24th 2008.

RESURRECTED: December 1st 2008?? (Sagittarius)

 

Josephina= July 26th 2010 (Leo)

(met on August 13th, hence his pseudo-birthday)

 

Nathaniel= February 8th 2008 (Aquarius)

December 15th 2008

April 26th, 2009

November 20th, 2009

RESURRECTED: November 18th, 2011

STABILIZED on November 9th 2012 (Scorpio)

 

Waldorf= March 3rd 2003 (there) (Pisces)

December 3rd 2002 (ck)

November 13th 2012

 

Leon= April 18th 2010 (Aries)

RESURRECTED: December 8th, 2010 (Sagittarius)

 

Laurie= September 4th 2006 (Virgo)

 

Julie= August 18th, 2011 (Leo)

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

July 15th 2013= underground handwriting page. Einsatz and Zwei's names found. Einastz also evidenced in the car.

July 25th- mention of dread. may 2 & june 13th first listed. originally said he was a young adult!! fronted with others on dec 10.

 

algorith= November 12th 2013? (Scorpio) OR July 31st 2013 (Leo)

 


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

JAVIER= December 27th 2013 (Capricorn)

ZWEI= July 15th 2013? (Cancer)

RAZOR= October 19h? 2008 (Libra)

CANNON= May 15th 2008?? (Taurus)

DREAD= December 10th 2013? (Sagittarius)

 

SPINE= January 16th 2011 (Capricorn)

AIMEE= October 29th 2013 (Scorpio)

JAYCE= October 23rd 2013 (Libra)

SPICE= September 18th 2013 (Virgo)

THE DESTROYER= January 25 2014 (Aquarius)

JESSICA???= May 7th 1990 (Taurus)

THE BEAR= June 2nd 2010 (Gemini)

 

LYNNE= February 9th 2008? (Aquarius)

KALISHA= November 17th 2013 (Scorpio)

AMARA= October 29th 2013 (Scorpio)

ALGORITH= July 31st 2013 (Leo)

 

JOSEPHINA= July 26th 2010 (Leo)

MARIGOLD= April 23 2013 (Taurus)

SIMEON=

MAVERICK=

RAZWELL=

WRECKAGE= March 4th 2014 (Pisces)

 

KARISSA= January 25th 2014 (Aquarius)

BRIDGET=

 

NATHANIEL= November 18th 2011? (Scorpio)

SERGEI= July 23rd 2013 (Leo)

QUEEN=

 

MINTY= May 30th 2013? (Gemini)

EINSATZ= July 15th 2013 (Cancer)

EMMETT= October 25th? 2012 (Scorpio)

TOBIKO= March 2nd 2014 (Pisces)

GARRISON= November 17th 2013 (Scorpio)

 

KYANOS= February 26th 2013 (Pisces)

PINSTRIPE= August 5th 2010? (Leo)

 

WALDORF= March 3rd 2003 (Pisces)

MISSY= ???

GENT=

NIENNA= 2014

 

LEON= April 18th 2010 (Aries)

DAVID= April 23 2013 (Taurus)

AIRPORT= August 15th 2012 (Leo)

CHURCH?=

 

LAURIE= September 4th 2006

CHRISTINA MARIE= June 2013? ()

ISADORA= November 17th 2013 (Scorpio)

 

JULIE= 199?

SUGAR= July 22nd 2013 (Cancer/Leo)

ASHEN= January 25th 2014 (Aquarius)

KNIFE= June 12th 2013 (Gemini)

 

MULBERRY= May 1st 2013 (Taurus)

JEREMIAH= June 6th 2013 (Gemini)

EROS= December 9th 2011 (Sagittarius)

JABBERWOCK= 2014

 

SHERLOCK= 2013

FOGBANK=

 

JAY=

INFINITII= April 3rd 2013

 

RYMAN=
MARKUS=

CHAOS=

GENESIS= JULY 4TH 2005

XENOPHON= MARCH 13 2011

CELEBI=

JEWEL= MAY 7TH

 



 

 

ARIES

  • Infinitii

  • Leon

  • Cel?

 

TAURUS

  • Jewel?

  • Cannon

  • Marigold

  • David

  • Mulberry

 

GEMINI

  • Minty

  • Jeremiah

  • The Bear

 

CANCER

  • Einsatz

  • Zwei

 

LEO

  • Julie

  • Josephina

  • Sugar

  • Genesis

  • Pinstripe

  • Algorith

 

VIRGO

  • Laurie

  • Spice

 

LIBRA

  • Jay

  • Razor

  • Jayce

 

SCORPIO

  • Nathaniel

  • Garrison

  • Emmett

  • Aimee

 

SAGITTARIUS

  • Leon

  • Eros

  • Dread?

 

CAPRICORN

  • Javier

  • Spine

 

AQUARIUS

  • CZ

  • Ashen

  • The Destroyer

 

PISCES

  • Xenophon

  • Waldorf

  • Tobiko



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

 

timeline is largely missing from 1990 -- 2000

 

----------------------------ELEMENTARY SCHOOL-------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL LIGHTRAYE (2000-1)

+ CEL (2001)

+ HOSEKI (2002-3) (FRAGMENTED)

----------------------------high school starts-------------------------------------------

+ "third jewel" (dissolved) (2004-6?)

+ SPINNingcannon (2005-8?)

+ JESSICA (2006+?)

--------------------------------------------JOB STARTS------------------------------------------------

+ Jaqueline (2006+)

+ jennifer (2006+)

--------------------------------UNIVERSITY starts-------------------------------------------

+ CANNON (2008-9)

--------------------------ARTIST BLOODLINE SPLITS OFF------------------------------

+ CEL #2 (2009) (DISSOLVED)

+ Spinzor (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ GLISSANDO (2009) (SUMMER ONLY)

+ "MANIC SPIN" (2009) (dissolved)

+ INK (2010) (UNKNOWN)

-------------------------BLOODLINE SPLITS IN HALF-------------------------------------

+ Pinstripe (2010) (DIED, FRAGMENTED)

-------------------------POST-UTAH SUICIDE ATTEMPT--------------------------------

+ "MALE JEWEL" (2011) (FRAGMENTED)

+ EROS (2012?) (SPLIT IN HALF, RESET)

--------------------------SLC TRIP MEMORY BREAK-------------------------------------

+ DEON (2012-3?) (DIED)

----------------------------------SCRATCH ATTEMPT------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013)

----------------------------------MASSACRE IN 2014 ------------------------------------------

+ JEWEL (2000) RETURNS

----------------------------------HARD RESET IN 2016------------------------------------------

+jay iridos (2013) RESTORED; POSSIBLE SURNAME CHANGE?

 

 

SYSTEM NO LONGER APPEARS TO HAVE A SINGLE "CORE"

 

UNKNOWN STATUS IN 2015?




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





prismaticbleed: (rosewindow)
 
...Whoa.
All right, time to take notes.
This absolutely wore me out and it's very blurry in some areas, so it's going to be a mess of disjointed notes and I apologize. However that's what it feels like in my head, so I can't exactly do much else.
So, this is what happened to my headspace group today, when we tried to reach my inner room, the blood lotus cathedral.


- Started the phase-in around 2:40, I believe. Ended around 4:10 due to burnout.
- me, chaos, genesis, laurie, leon, julie, and josephina went over together.
- We got together in central headspace and i was able to phase us in. we had no trouble getting there. it looked like i remember it, dark and red and ominous. also for some reason my hair turned white instead of red when i showed up there, it stayed that way for a while. anyway laurie immediately took my hand and led me off to the side, to that black structure. turns out it was a giant black spire. behind it was a red ocean, as i thought, but behind us (across from the cathedral), everything just faded into this white fog. i wanted to go see if there was anything there but laurie said no, if it was unstructured she didnt want to risk anything bad happening. she then said we should check out this spire first, there was a door on it and we wanted to know what the heck that thing was.
- laurie then tried to open the door to the spire, it sent an energy shockwave out, flung her like 20 feet backwards, thankfully she gained her footing so she didnt get hurt. julie tried to attack the door too and the same thing happened. julie got mad and used shadows to try and tear it open, josephina tried to cut it open with his scythe, wasnt working.
- we asked leon to warp us in but he hesitated, saying he didnt think it could be warped into. and he didnt want to try, it felt very bad, like we werent supposed to go in.
- at this laurie just tore the door open, immediately inside was all red glare, all these weird red 'specters' came out and spiraled up to the sky, it was scary, i spontaneously sent out light threads after it, it quickly retracted back and tossed us out of the mindscape with force, we were back in central mindspace
- laurie asked why i did that with the light threads, now would we be able to get back in? i said the red specter things just felt wrong and i wanted to stop it. i tried to just phase back in but it wasnt working. so i think we got leon to warp us over. the door to the spire was closed again, no sign of what had just happened
- this next part is a bit blurry. i think laurie flung the doors open again, either way we did reopen the doors but this time something came out, a living thing, all red and sharp.
- it was the manic red voice from 2008. i am dead serious. it immediately started attacking us brutally, the fight was crazy, it kept turning itself into this razor-edged thing and running at me. leon shot at it point blank one or two times, caught it by surprise, but nothing could kill it, it kept coming back.
- it leapt at me at one point, i held out my sword like a shield and it burst with light, sent the razor voice flying backwards to hit the lotus cathedral. it left blood where it touched, but got back up and kept trying to hurt me. chaos jumped into the fray here with his own sword and for a while we were just trying to hold it off, keep it from slicing anyone open because it was trying to
- julie managed to hold it still with shadows and jo put a scythe to its neck, but it laughed, said cutting it or damaging it would make it stronger.
- it said it was me. or at least, it was the old mask i wore. it looked kind of like me when i first cut my hair at first (it always did), but then its appearance warped so it looked like the old 2002 me, with the hat and long hair and everything. it was very disturbing because i couldnt deny that, it felt so obvious to me, i had always viewed 'myself' as a separate person back then and this was the result or cause, maybe both.
- i think laurie tried to open the door again here, i remember she was trying to force it closed but it was full of blood, it wouldnt close, the razor voice kept laughing at us
- the door burst open and blood started coming out of it, with the ocean rising to meet it, we were standing in a few inches of it. i forget how i got rid of it, i think i tried to open up the ground or something
- after a while of trying to deal with this manic-paced fight, i spontaneously shot the razor voice with a gold arrow, it fell to the ground, pinned there, couldnt get up. it was hissing and growling. laurie, julie, and jo were yelling at it for a while, it kept trying to get back up and attack us, at one point leon just took out his gun and shot it in the head like five times. laurie was shocked, this thing was a bloody mess now, leon fell to his knees and almost threw up but couldnt from shock.
- i think this is when i tried to do something with the spire, i mentally reached up and split it in half, immediately all this blood came out and hit me, leon warped us out immediately
- he warped us into a cathedral again, he was crying and actually started trying to get the blood out of my hair. i was in a state of mild shock and my mind was trying to shut off. chaos asked leon what he was doing, more out of concern than anything, but leon was a total mess emotionally and just said he was trying to help me out. he was wiping the blood on the floors and it was just 'dissipating,' into sparkles. i vaguely said i was afraid it had absorbed it, like a sponge, leon said no. if it had done that it would have been a shadow cathedral, that would have been lethal.
- we realized the spire was what didn't belong-- it was a 'second' soul room and a false one, formed for the false me. so it was trying to literally override what i believed i was in a way. so we figured we had to get rid of the spire, maybe. it was all still very confusing and we were all horrifically shaken up from the fight that had just happened, julie was very distraught
- laurie was freaked out about the blood in the spire, she and i were afraid it had something to do with the graves, but we didn't know how that could be true or why
- we stayed there for a minute or so to calm down, i told everyone very sternly that we should not fight that thing unless it was inevitable, the tar was the same way. then we decided we had to go back
- the black spire ended up looking like it 'exploded' after this point, but it was weird, it was bloody and it looked like bone was sticking out or something, like a wound
- the corpse of the red voice was still lying there, blood everywhere, apparently the arrow was keeping it from regenerating, so we just walked around it, still freaked out.
- the sky was weird now, a bright red with a huge weird 'streak' in it, like the shape of a broken rib cage stuck up there, except it was just a warping of the sky. it was hard to explain but it was freaky, it made everything feel high-strung and foreboding instead of the quiet malevolence of the blood sky
- we got into the spire this time, it opened up into another 'cathedral,' it was all black, very bizarre. the center had no floor, it just dropped down, surrounded by stairs going down slowly. the inner walls of the dropoff were covered in huge spikes, at the very bottom was this lurid red glow. julie and jo stayed outside, leon came with us, we walked down the steps until they broke off and wouldnt go any farther. then we realized the place we were standing on was moving down slowly, into the glow. i told everyone to hold on, it would be okay. we went through the glow and kept going.
- we started coming down through the ceiling of a 'polar opposite' of that cathedral, it was stone white, full of vegetation, i think butterflies too. there was a huge tree in front of us and instead of a dropoff in the middle, there was a large rectangular pool of water, perfectly still.
- we got off the step thing and walked onto the grassy area with the tree, i realized our footsteps were leaving glows, mine were white i think? lauries were violet, leons were dark blue, etc. it was really cool.
- i forget why but i walked over to the lake and knelt by it, looking down into it, and suddenly it 'warped' somehow and became more like a mirror, although it wasn't reflecting? and it began to talk to me. it was extremely wise and was reassuring me of who i was, etc. it said it was me, in a way, i understood it was my 'higher self' or something. it talked to me for a while, reminding me of the truths i already knew, there was no doubt in me at all, it felt amazingly clear.
- when it was done talking it told us to 'go back outside' because our friends needed us. then it turned back into water and something floated up to me, it was a silver-gold helmet, like an angel helmet. i put it on and apparently it caused a major transformation, i know i had rainbowy light wings or something but i couldnt see. but it felt really peaceful. i took it off and told leon to warp us back outside.
- julie and jo were fighting the razor voice again, which had come back to life, it was very angry. chaos told me to give him the helmet so i did, then he became angelic, i remember he had these oddly silvery green-blue wings. he then said he'd hold them back, and for laurie and leon and i to go into the cathedral. he told genesis to stay outside and help.
- we went in and there were all candles in the entrance this time, laurie asked if that was how it should look. i wasnt sure. this part is horribly blurry... it looked like an actual church this time, with pews and an altar, there was also a chandelier up top i think. either way it kept warping, unstable environment, i reached up and pulled the chandelier down but it caused the ceilings to start bleeding again, i think, whatever it was leon hurriedly warped me out as soon as it started. we ended up in a red cathedral this time, it was weird, it had all these thin spiral crystal spires in it. laurie was getting anxious, why does this cathedral keep warping. maybe its a red herring, maybe this isnt your soul room at all, and we're being held back from reaching the real thing somehow. i said that made sense so i told leon to warp us back to the blood lotus room. the altar was there, with the statue of me, i stood in front of it and tried to imitate the pose, but after a second i just decided to stab my sword into the floor, it made the ground shatter and almost reset again, laurie caught it and asked what the heck i was doing. i said it still didnt feel right, i was trying to figure something out. the place kept warping though, it felt so bizarre.
- i really, really cannot remember what happened now or whether all that was in the right order... either way our group got all back together outside, i think i had to hit the razor voice with an arrow again to get it to stop, but we did stop it somehow, i remember jo trying to stab it with his scythe
- all i remember after this is that we went downstairs to the tar room, i cannot remember how, i think leon warped us in there.
- the tar was there, so was the razor voice alive, yes it was down there waiting. it said it was part of the tar. we were trying to fight but it was scary because they wouldnt stop. julie turned into this huge shadow thing and was fighting with it directly for a while, she was the only one of us with abilities that large. josephina was helping her though, but we werent getting anywhere. at one point i desperately reached out and 'froze' time, like aradia does. i had to release laurie, chaos, genesis and leon from it though so they could move and talk. laurie was apparently still aware while she was frozen, she could move very slightly and she could tell i had frozen time. however julie and jo were mid fight so i couldnt unfreeze them. laurie asked what i was doing. i said trying to buy us time, i didn't know what to do and it was terrifying. i think laurie just told me to let go, so i did.
- suddenly there was a shield and i looked to see lynne had showed up, said she figured she should step in as she was getting very concerned, she began helping us
- chaos kept staying by me, not letting anything come near me, when laurie wouldnt let us fight he just held my hand, genesis did too at one point
- laurie jumped in front of chaos and i to take an attack at one point, but it was brutal and she doubled over a little, fell to her knees. i realized it had nearly gutted her. i was really scared and put my hands around her, trying to heal her. she insisted she wouldnt die, it would be okay, but i had almost lost her before and i could feel her energy slipping. then i kind of 'let go' and just focused healing to her, but she asked 'jewel what are you doing' because the energy was doubling somehow, it lit us both up but it didn't just heal her, it gave her this incredible energy enhancement somehow-- she turned all white and gold, and felt like the total opposite of a black hole, all boundless and bright. she also had these huge wings or something, her presence just expanded. she summoned a huge light axe after this and swung it at the tar, it drove it into the ground, where it 'fell in' to a huge crack in the floor, the environment was sucked in too like a drain. the tar moved like a snake though, actually escaping down through the hole. there was some blood following behind it.
- now as the tar room was torn away, i realized we were in my edited inner cathedral, but as soon as the tar drained through the floor completely, it cracked more, and a big hole fell through. lynne hurriedly put a circular 'magic seal' on the ground around it, but it didnt quite work, the floor fell in all around it behind us, so it was just this floating ring left of the entire cathedral floor. genesis could luckily float so he didnt fall, but chaos nearly fell in, i had to catch him, same with leon but julie got him. either way now we're all standing on this ring of floor, everyones like 'what happened with laurie,' she just shrugged it off and said not to worry about that, either way i think this is when i realized that the cathedral still didnt feel like me, i didnt know why.
- so we started trying to build a cathedral space that 'felt like me' on the spot. it looked like a basilica. laurie was editing the space mostly, making it bigger, then told chaos 'there should be some plants in here' so he joined in. it looked close but didnt feel quite right yet. there was a big open circle roof in the middle with flowers around it. laurie and i flew up through it and noticed the building was still unmanifested on the outside. noticed were were on what looked like the beach by our cityscape, then decided to check out the water. there was a sudden dropoff in the seafloor about 10 feet in, very sudden. underneath it was a cave, as we swam in it opened up on the other side, went back to the surface and we were back in the red-sky area. the ocean was kind of bloody when we stepped out only, it was creepy. as we walked ashore laurie's gold enhancements kind of shimmered off, she said not to worry about it.
- we all gathered around in front of the spire and lotus cathedral, at a loss as to what to do next, i think we asked leon to warp us back to the normal beach for the time being, he said he was learning to use teleportation normally and not just for cathedral-jumps
- back on the beach, it was empty now, nothing there that we had built. we wondered why this was, laurie said it was because it hadn't really manifested anyway, it faded out, we hadn't really made it stable and besides why make something new? we knew the blood lotus cathedral was my inner space, we just had to figure out how to stabilize it.
- laurie brought up the angel helmet. i asked what it was for, said how peaceful it felt to wear it for some reason, laurie figured it was a 'centering' item to keep us from absolutely freaking out here. also she said it tied into 'love is blind' somehow. i remember asking her to wear it, to see what it did. i put it on her, it made her all gold and white again like i had, but there was a violet sheen to her, it was gorgeous. but i noticed she was looking at me with this kind of sad expression the whole time. when i took the helmet back off, she was crying. i asked why and she said that just made her really understand what i was feeling, and how it related to her and everyone else, i dont remember the exact words but with that she could understand it clearly. at this i decided the rest of us should wear it too, to get that feeling. we were trying to decide order but i remember them all telling me to put it on again first, i did and laurie said i looked different now, she laughed and said i was like a peppermint stick. i still couldnt see myself though, decided it didnt matter really.
- then i gave the helmet to everyone else, genesis was all amber and cobalt of course, regal looking, but he didnt wear it long. the helmet actually 'reformed' a bit for him to fit around his crown. lynne was crimson and scarlet, kind of 'swept back' look. leon was all dark blue with a bit of light gold i think? his wings swept up. i remember he laughed a little and said he didn't feel scared, it was surprising for him. josephina was light yellow and lilac, very fancy, i laughed and said he looked like a digimon, he said that was awesome. julie was all white gold and light pink, wings up and very defined, she looked really pretty. she was moved by it though, still having trouble believing she could do this.
- then we decided to get natalie and spine too, because it would be fair if we didnt. lynne called them in, they asked where we were, we just said it was the beach by our cityscape of course. then i handed nat the helmet and said to put it on, he was all green with silver reflective bits, was really shocked, asked what in the world that was. i said it was a presence helmet or something, we needed to wear it so we understood what we needed to hold on to despite all the fear going on. the helmet 'reformed' a bit for spine too, she put it on, but her transformation was all bony, with some 'phantom feathers' here and there, despite her having dragony wings. but she was so at peace with it, it was really inspiring to see. i think she got the most from it in that sense. she took off the helmet and asked what we were going to do now. laurie said we should go back to the blood lotus cathedral, all of us. she just wasnt sure how to get back there, she didn't feel like swimming through the bloody ocean again.
- genesis said he had an idea, he ran over to natalie and took his hands, said to manifest a mirror. he did, and genesis took hold of it and ran backwards, 'expanding' it to this huge rectangular mirror, like the one my higher self spoke from. then he told natalie to just 'warp it through' or something, and they pushed it down to the ground. somehow this pushed the mindscape through with it? and it pulled it 'through' the mirror onto the flipside, so we didn't move but the space around us 'flipped' so we were now on the beach by the cathedral and spire. that was pretty awesome.
- the weird thing was that the sky here was blue now, with clouds, instead of red. we took that as a good sign. we went inside of the lotus cathedral, and it was now the cathedral chaos and i built on july 7th. this was a surprise because it finally felt like me, i assumed it was because we were all centered in ourselves now, not lost. chaos and i went and stood in the middle, talking about the cupid/psyche myth and its symbolism, how it was different for us. i put on the angel helmet but i looked very simple compared to everyone else, just goldsheen wings and a red ribbon around me, the helmet itself was almost like glass. chaos reached over my shoulder and grabbed an arrow, as apparently i had some, then held it out to me and said we should both 'use the same one.' as in both being struck by it, even a little. so we held it together and it turned almost glassy, blue and red, and chaos said we needed to use it, on the razors. i took the angel helmet off but the appearance i had stayed, i asked the rest of our group how i looked because i couldn't see, natalie summoned a mirror and put my perspective in it so that's how i saw it.
- we went back over to the group, i was back to normal now, we told them about the arrow, then i pointed out that there was an entrance to a dark stairwell directly across from the door. so we went down the stairs, but i realized they werent ending, so i 'pulled' the mindscape up quick and we just 'landed' in the tar room, it and the razors were waiting.
- they didnt attack us straightaway, we were all centered from the helmet. i remember the razor voice was spitting blood at chaos mockingly. however it saw me with the arrow so it started trying to attack, julie and laurie were forcibly holding it back, trying not to damage it as that would make it worse, but it was scary. lynne was trying to shield everyone. laurie eventually yelled for me to just shoot, but it wouldnt slow down, lynne caught it in a bubble shield and i shot the arrow into it
- this was weird, the razor voice froze and then collapsed inside the bubble, the arrow phased away, then the razor voice just melted into blood. it started dripping through the bubble, lynne tried to hold it shut but realized there was no crack, she said it was just leaking out. all the blood pooled out onto the floor. nothing happened for a minute, we thought it was over, and then it merged with the tar and formed into the 'old me' again. it was very angry this time, i was legitimately terrified, it came after me, started screaming at me, 'why do you hate yourself,' things like that. it was very angry. i tried to explain that i didnt hate myself, but it insisted, and i realized that it was trying to get me to identify with it. it was the hatred, if i 'hated myself' then i was disassociating from myself, i was splitting in half, thats what it did to me.
- it kept bringing up the 17th, then it turned into the celebi form of my old self, still made of tar, it felt very frightening. lynne put a shield up between us because it was getting dangerously close, but after a while of it screaming i walked through the shield, said it was something i needed to deal with. this made me turn into eros form, like in the cathedral. the tar laughed and said i was more vulnerable then ever now, i was scared it would abuse me, but i stood strong. laurie was terrified for me though.
- this next conversation was CRAZY, so tiring and scary. ultimately it was telling me about the dichotomy between us, how i used to think it was 'me' on a shallow level, and i hated it, i would abuse myself to abuse it specifically, the 17th was the culmination of all that, it was inner suicide. i realized this but now i could recognize that i hadn't done it, i wasnt the dark hatred that caused that.
- i remember at one point here i reached out and touched the tar, it tried to stick to me to infect me, but it fell to the ground. i formed a flower out of it and offered that, saying i forgave it and could we just leave this in the past already? but it said no, it lashed out at me, furious. it said it was my fault, it kept trying to make me disassociate from myself like this, i realized the conversation wasnt going anywhere and it was just trying to get me to 'hate myself' for doing that, there was nothing to hate though.
- i cannot remember how this ended as my body was starting to shut down. but i think laurie had to step in to get the tar away from me, it kept getting more and more violent. either way we got the heck out of there, went back up to central headspace, said we'd discuss this later because really that was FAR too much to take it at once.
- laurie said there was a lot we had to do yet. i assume she will be talking to us about that later today.
- we still don't know if this is what we were supposed to find or not. but we found something. if nothing else, its a place to start.


All right, I really hope that is everything... this was so completely exhausting that I could barely remember the details after I phased back here.
If I remember any events more clearly-- or can fix the event progression, because everything with the blood lotus cathedral was maddeningly vague-- I will do so. As of now there's just a catastrophe of words, sorry about that.

I seriously doubt we'll return to the cathedral anytime very soon; I need to recharge from this badly, and we still need to discuss the events of February in a Xanga before we tackle this. So there's a lot to do and I don't want to wear myself out. Heaven knows I'm close enough already.

As for now, I seriously need some sleep.

the end

Oct. 29th, 2010 09:42 am
prismaticbleed: (shatter)





I have been too cruel.
I have been too harsh.

I only meant to speak the truth, but I was too brutal with it.

I have hurt many. I have damaged many.
I am so terribly sorry.


I hold no grudges. I have forgiven every soul that ever transgressed me.

My only regret is that I did not truly live during my 20 years.

I was always told, 'you have plenty of time left.' 'Wait until you grow older.'
I will no longer grow any older. I have no time left.
The dreams and goals I was told to wait upon can no longer be fulfilled.
I am so sorry I took it all for granted.
I am so sorry we took it all for granted.

Ever since my childhood, I knew I would die at this age.
I was told to stop being silly. I was told to stop worrying.
I shouldn't have stopped.

There are so many things I will never do,
and so many things I will never say,
simply because I thought we had more time.


I have met and lost so many souls since my first days in this world, it would be near impossible for me to list you all here.
Rest assured I still remember you, and hold nothing against you.

To all those I have deeply loved... in my mind, in my past or at a distance... nothing has changed. Even now, nothing has faded. Remember me, if you will.


This will likely be the last you hear of me, and I apologize.
I never meant to harm a soul.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, thank you.


It is so hard to find the right words.
I have no time for regrets.


Above all else, my final hope is that my life has not been lived in vain.
I hope that I have truly inspired, enlightened, uplifted. If I have saved a life, in any sense, then I have not wasted my time here.



God have mercy on me.

This will be painful, and it will be difficult, but I can no longer run.


I am thankful I got to live, but now...
Now it is time to face what lies beyond.




-JL

 








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