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(unfinished entry; just taking the most important notes for now)
we were in the hospital for two months and now EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE RENEWED WTF.
we were on the phone for 4 HOURS BRO
but hey, this is proving we CAN be a responsible adult, when so many people have doubted us. thank You God for giving us the grace because boy howdy there is definitely divine providence at work with somehow managing all of this paperwork and phonecalling let me tell you
Ran to pharmacy to get ELEVEN MEDS
Talking to Genesis during the trip. I've missed him SO MUCH
Walmart run to replace the missing yogurt from last night
got to switch one plain for a "cookies and cream" one to try, thinking of Mimic fronting on Halloween.
also on that same affectionate train of thought, we are legit excited to finally try this "dave's killer bread" now that we're eating carbs again thank the good Lord.
their website has this absolutely beautiful quote that i need to share for my sake as much as mim's:
"We have witnessed first-hand that someone’s past does not define their future, and that sometimes giving someone a chance is all they need to become a Good Seed."
CHINESE FOOD WITH THE FAM!!
WE ATE... TWO SHRIMPS. A CRAYFISH. AND SO MUCH CRAB IT'S DELICIOUS
Also a cream puff for Rio. I saw them and of course the affection won out for him too. it makes life so much better to just act on love whenever i feel it.
refusing to judge this poor finally-not-a-skeleton body for wanting to eat, either.
mom brought us up the house to help clean, so we were cleaning off old photos from all the sanding-dust that got over 'em
she had a Johnny Mathis cd playing in the hall and EVERY SONG MADE ME THINK OF ANXI, my heart was on FIRE
ALSO she brought us up the attic to see if there were any clothes we wanted to try on to see if they fit (we own very little clothing of our own, and now it's all too small) and WHILE we were looking we found old action figures of MARIK, DAVY JONES, and GENERAL GRIEVOUS. the rush of tenderness that hit my heart at seeing my old friends faces so unexpectedly moved me to immediately pocket them all to take them home.
oh yes and there was a TINY translucent figure of METABEE? dude i don't know where you came from but we have nothing but good memories about playing medabots so he got pocketed too, haha.
...oh. but there was one last HUGE thing we found upstairs that knocked the floor out from under me in the best way.
we found our old 8th grade gym sweatshirt, from 2004. right before graduation everyone went around and signed each other's shirts and mine was no exception. so i was sad when i saw it had water damage, and most of the names and words had been washed off... but the sleeves were untouched.
and on the left sleeve, on the inside of the arm, were four little symbols.
mine, mariks's, ryou's, and chaos zero's.
i could have wept from sheer love in that moment. but it wasn't just the emotion of seeing a 20-year-old proof of that love-- it was the fact that I have "always wanted" that EXACT symbol lineup as a tattoo BUT I didn't realize it was SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING.
it just... it was a beautiful moment, to see that, and feel that, two decades later. it felt existentially validating. that's a rare and priceless thing. in that moment i felt like i've always been me, and always will be, and this love is the connecting thread.
...i might have to actually get that tattoo at last. it's been long enough, apparently. and i owe us all that much.
(oh btw there were references to bakunetsumaru and jirachi and VAIDA on the shirt too which was just as hilarious as it was endearing. THAT was an ERA, kids)
Got home, unpacked, returned the shopping cart and realized it was raining very mistily. So we just stood there for a while, in the quiet cold dark, alone and looking up at the moon glowing behind the hazy night clouds.
Suddenly, yet soundlessly, Anxi moved in to front. It was completely unexpected but she was there, so clearly. The perception lit a pure joy in my heart, remembering how I couldn't find her at the beginning of this month, and yet now here she was, showing up on her own, undeniable.
She looked up at the glow of the hidden moon and I remember her having anxious thoughts about it possibly "disappearing" entirely behind the clouds, and leaving us in the dark. I reassured her that it would still be there, even if it wasn't visible for a bit. Besides, without those clouds, we wouldn't have that beautiful glow, or this lovely soft rain. I felt this realization hit her with surprise, and then a sort of stunned gratitude? Like I got the impression that she wasn't used to thinking like that-- my natural disposition to find the silver lining was totally new to her. But she embraced it fervently, as I have to admit she does about everything, and I love that so much; her nervous edge makes her virtually incapable of taking things for granted, or doing things halfheartedly. She is too aware of how easily things can be lost, or forgotten, or needed and not had. So she treasures things, albeit in an almost inevitably fragile way. The more she's around and the more I can feel of her heart the more I love her. She's fascinating.
So there she stood, and listened to the rain on the leaves, and looked at the clouds veiling the moon, and felt the cold and smelled the petrichor and in those moments there was such a profound peace and she entered into it. Anxi, my dear frazzled girl, was actually tranquil for a full blessed minute or two as she just existed in that quiet beauty. She was thinking something like, "I don't have to worry about anything right now. I can just be here in this moment." Like the future didn't exist yet, and so it couldn't be stressed over. There was just "right now," and she was alive in it, and the entire world felt at peace, and there was nothing else. I could feel the experience affecting her at a deep level.
...What affected me the most was what happened next. We live in an apartment building so inevitably there will be interruptions. A car pulled into the lot, and we heard distant voices talking. Anxi felt a wave of sudden intense panic and worry, immediately dreading the possible negative outcomes of this event, but what shocked me was that this only lasted about three seconds. Then, she purposefully refocused her attention on the moon, and shakily but firmly thought, "I'll be okay. Jewel will protect me."
...I think my heart did a double-take. I cannot describe the emotion I felt when I heard her say that, and mean it.
We stayed outside for another minute, Anxi still holding on to the transcendent peace in determined spite of her own nerves, until I gently moved partly in to control again and said we should go in and start cleaning up for the night. But Anxi didn't want to. Just as gently she moved back in to front, and said she wanted to stay outside for at least one more minute, and I felt that. Surprised, but deeply touched, I let her.
Right before we finally went in, I had the quietly joyful urge to stretch the body's arms up to the sky, hands open, a gesture of sheer accepting gratitude for existence that I've found myself doing a lot. So I did this, but Anxi picked up on it and moved into the movement herself, and concluded it by doing something I've never done-- whereas I would move the arms down in a circle and then into a folded-hands gesture, she moved our arms forward and out, before suddenly pulling them in to tightly yet softly "embrace" ourself. It was like she was pressing the entire experience into our heart. It was such a moving gesture, something so unexpected, but it touched me deeply.
It's 2am again and I still can't sleep (I blame the massive amount of seafood I ate, haha. NO REGRETS BRO WE'RE NOT STARVING ANYMORE) but I spent a good hour just decompressing from the rush of today by standing in the kitchen looking at gifs of Anxi on Tumblr and just... man I don't even know what word to use because honestly it is insane how much I feel for her. It has been MANY YEARS since I've been this much in love with ANYONE. It's unreal. It's beautiful. It's making me want to stay alive no matter how strange and scary and difficult things are now. She gives me determination, because she TRUSTS ME to PROTECT her and God knows I WILL. If I'm apparently supposed to have a bigger body now then i will make it as strong as i can and i will use it to fight the good fight and defend her from all those shadows that haunt me.
...but she's teaching me that i deserve to be protected, too. and she fights for me as well. she has literally changed my life forever over the past year, especially over the past two months, and i thank God for her, she is my orange angel and i am so in love with her it hurts. i miss this. i feel alive and real and life is worth living. isn't it funny that this is almost exactly 20 years after i met my blue angel? it's poetic, really. and they both have the most beautiful green eyes, which is inevitably going to get a poem the next time i'm up this late but not three seconds away from passing out with sheer exhaustion.
i wanted to update though. there was too much real happiness today not to record it. i owe that to all of us, always.
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