for you

[prismaticbleed]

Hey there. I'm finally managing to recover from that huge stress bomb I hit myself with this month. I must admit I seriously needed to be shaken up like that, though-- it helped some very stubborn pieces of me to fall into place. There's a lot I have to say about that yet, especially in light of what I've been reading in TPoN, but I have no time for that right now (and I probably won't for a few days yet).
However things are finally beginning to pick back up again. Sonic Generations is definitely the big outside light in that respect, and second place would be the fact that I FINALLY got a program that allows me to write my own percussion sections in FL Studio. I haven't been able to do this since my NWC days! So I'm very excited.
My inner light is the most amazing part of this, though. There's going to be a Xanga session soon about that (we were supposed to have it on Friday, but couldn't due to some very unexpected and big schedule changes).

The fact that I'm still here a year after I thought I'd be gone for good is simply incredible... and that's actually why I'm updating right now.
I was just reminded, more clearly and more eloquently than I could have dreamed, just how important this whole struggle has been.
Let me explain.

I'm sitting here with Chaos, Laurie, and Xenophon, reviewing my old 2008-9 Blurty entries and being generally quite astonished at how far we've come since then. I also have iTunes on shuffle, so of course any time something catchy or relevant comes up, Chaos and I randomly start singing to it, and Laurie just laughs and remarks "what the hell are you two doing now." It's awesome, really. But our constant singing, and my inability to ever be quiet or unmoved when good music comes on, prompted Xenophon to ask just how important music was to me, really? I explained that it was incredibly important, as it communicated things that spoken word never could, and although I can't quite explain it, some part of me is deeply connected to sound as a medium in general. So she thought on this for a while as I continued to type.
Then iTunes decides to randomly play a song from Klonoa (Shattered Past). As my Macbook is infamous for playing synchronistic music whenever I'm in moods like this, I mentioned to Xenophon that the Klonoa series is where her middle name came from (Lephise). Then, since we had just been discussing music and its importance, I also decided to play Lephise's song for her.
She listened carefully to it, then asked if that was the song 'she had to learn to sing.' I was surprised at her wording said she wasn't obligated to sing anything, but she insisted that if Chaos and I had named her after it, and if music meant so much to me, then she 'had' to sing it because she loved us and that would be a way for her to really express it that way. She then asked for us to play it again.
We all listened, thoughtfully, until the melody at 1:16... and then she started singing too.

I have never heard something so beautiful in my entire life.

I was honestly in tears. I just... hearing her sing that, with everything it meant... she asked me why I was crying, and I told her exactly why.
It is because, in the game, Lephise essentially sings that song to resurrect the world after it had 'died' under nightmarish rule.
That is exactly what Xenophon did for me, simply by existing.
By coming into my life, she virtually personified the second chance I risked everything for last October. I may have lived physically, but I cannot deny that a terrifying amount of my soul was dead at that time... and hearing my daughter sing the melody of rebirth, a year after that symbolic death, is beyond my capacity to describe.

I am so thankful for this. I am so incredibly thankful for all of this.


...Lastly, I'm just going to link you readers over here, to emphasize just how beautiful today has been in general.


Now I'm off to get the rest of my daily work done, because I'll be on the road for 9, mark my words.

Love and light as always.