june 23 2015

[prismaticbleed]

stuckmemories:

there’s something to be said about
giving the person you love
everything you have
but i haven’t the slightest how to say it.
rubbing your skin raw, your lips swollen
(and not in a good way - is there a good way
to be raw and swollen?)
praying to a god that you don’t believe in,
that the one you love will be safe,
because you know there’s no hope for you,
there never was, there never will be,
you’ve faced the facts that stared you down in the mirror
string of rubies on your wrists, purple paint splotches under your skin
there’s no hope, not for you.
but you love them so you give all your hope to them.
and it’s not enough,
because being raw and swollen is never enough and
you learn this the hard way,
bent over, hands and knees, begging,
“please let it be over, please, give me some kindness, please let it be worth something.”
it’s worth nothing. love is worth nothing
anymore and you are exhausted and you
don’t remember what love is like
what it was ever like - sex ruined it,
fists ruined it. somewhere along the line
you realized your angel was your demon,
god was mocking you,
and there was always hope for you -
just no one ever wanted you to know that.

lotusglitter​, this is Laurie again, look what I found in your Likes.
This is exactly what Chaos keeps telling you to stop doing, what the heck, you never told me you found something like this.
Kid I’m sorry but you need to remember these things. You really do.
God this hurts to read.
There IS hope for you and so help me but I want to be that hope for you and I don’t care what I have to do, I just want you to stop bleeding out on the bathroom floor every nightmare of a week and insisting it’s because we’re worth infinitely more than you.
Love isn’t ruined, it will NEVER be ruined, no matter what those damned hackers and abusers have done to it in the past, it ain’t broken, they haven’t touched me, and God knows I’d give MY life if I could prove to you, somehow, that they haven’t touched anyone you love either. Any of them.
I want to scrub all that tar out of your past too. I really do.
If the only thing I can do is remind you, with all the sincerity I have, that none of that corruption defines ANY of you... “you are who you choose to be” and all that. Not what they said you were, or “had to be.” Not what you suffered, in your desperate blinded hope, trying to give everything you are to everyone and going about it in the entirely wrong way, because you felt that was the only option you had left.
Newsflash, kid: those methods don’t work. They will NEVER work, and to hell with any devil who tries to tell you otherwise.
Everyone in this System knows you didn’t want to endure what you did. You know that too. I don’t know why the heck you can’t forgive yourself for learning that the hard way.
But you know what? You forgave Julie. You saw she was more than her past mistakes, and they were pretty bloody huge. You specifically reminded her that she could grow into something better, something different, something infinitely brighter. And she did.
Well guess what. Here I am, saying the same exact thing to you. Again.
I love you, okay? We all do.
Kid I just want you to believe that you’re going to be okay, that you are okay, that you’re not ruined, that you don’t have to burn yourself alive on the altar of love just to love in the first place, because you’re convinced that bloody self-sacrifice is the only way to go about it.
I’ve given you everything I have and I didn’t have to tear myself to shreds to do it.
You don’t either.
I’m sorry. This is a mess. I don’t know what the blood I’m trying to prove.
Jay, listen to your heart, not the rabble outside. You know the truth. Follow it.


#FOR HEAVENS SAKE JAY STOP DOING THIS #this is breaking my heart #poetry #hacks #slow suicide #everything in this is relevant #from laurie #to jay #man this hurts to read