prismaticbleed | self-compassion group: letter to self (Reply)

Dear us:

It's almost ironic; I would never blame or hate or condemn any of us for the things "I'm" struggling to face-- so why the hypocrisy? Honestly right now I don't know, because right now I'm NOT in that isolatory mindset. And maybe that's the key-- the simple yet profound answer-- that "self-compassion" is inevitable when I stop pretending that "I" am the only "I" in here.

I love all you guys. ALL of you. All the Socials, all the Retributors, all the trauma-loaded Chthonics and all the Daengels. Every single Spectrum-soul is beloved to me. And, as incredible as it still sounds and feels... I cannot deny that YOU seem to ALL feel the same way about me. This morning was PROOF of that. Don't ever let me forget that-- because the REAL "me," the TRUE CORE of this System, IS compassion, both the one who loves AND who is loved. I need to have my heart open to receive love in order TO give it.

So the fact that I CAN write this letter is actually a huge source of hope. Evidently, I AM open to real love, even if hesitantly, or secretly. But I am.

So. Slight topic switch.

I want to say, "this isn't about me, it's about us!" But I am PART of us, too! And I WANT to be; I LOVE being part of the System-- yet, I inexplicably keep pulling back. Why? Is it shame, or guilt? You'd never damn me for the things WE'VE suffered OR the mistakes WE'VE made; we're ALL responsible and we're ALL STILL WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS & HOPE & LOVE, even when we screw up-- or, as I like to say, "especially then."

I can feel a lot of lingering frustration & regret & grief over the past, from many of us. But none of it is cruel. Even the most bitter outbursts of pain are coming from a wounded heart that didn't want those awful things to happen. Ultimately we ALL want each other to be healthy & healed & happy. In the end, we can't hate each other. There's no judgment, when you get to the heart of it-- only compassion. Even if we DO bluntly acknowledge our poor choices & failures to be kind in the past, we've collectively reached an honestly amazing point of psychospiritual maturity where we CAN face up to our biggest screw-ups and not self-destruct over them-- SOLELY because we are now tapped into that heart of compassion, of mercy, of love. It's inundated us all by now, thank God. We don't get reset attempts or bluescreens or apocalypses anymore. Yeah we still ache, but darn it we're aching TOGETHER, and that's something!!

Nevertheless. I can be too cerebral even in this.

Compassion cannot exist only as a theory, or an idea, or even as a nicely worded letter. Love only truly exists in ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP.
You've gotta DO something FOR someone, if you want to realize those virtues. Anf you've gotta BE someone who THEY can give love to in return.

When my poor discombobulated brain starts to flinch or forget that, remind me of that. Remind me of all of you-- and not just as names!! Remind me of YOUR SELVES-- of the faces and lives of the souls I KNOW and who know me... the souls that I love, and who love me in return.

It's always so difficult to confess & admit that, to write you all down.
I still don't know why. But let's start there, because it's ancient, and we HAVE to finally overcome that, COLLECTIVELY.

It's shame-- shame AT my love for others, and at their love for me?
What's so shameful about it? What's so "shameful" about tenderness & compassion? Why do I fear that it's "WRONG" to feel that love, for or from others?
I don't want to be miserable anymore, imprisoned by that corrupt mindset. After all, I couldn't "be ashamed" if I WASN'T actually IN that love, so there's some solid hope already.

Listen. I've been rambling for three pages and I still haven't gotten to the true point, the real heart, of this whole thing.

(left unfinished)